#i didnt realize almost none of these pictures have no sources

[kyubea]

post/166785504298 it's a repost you reblogged. 3eautiful reposts pretty much everything they post

okay thank u! i didnt notice that! 

#not pink #anon #i never noticed! i wont be posting anything from 3eautiful anymore #i didnt realize almost none of these pictures have no sources #thank u for pointing this out!!

[lost1nspac3]

Who Am I?

The marauders put two and two together. They knew that Remus was alone, and just needed to feel loved. So that's what they did. When they got back to where they were camping, they started up the fire again and got the story of what happened from Remus. If it wasn't for Sirius holding his hand Remus would have run away again“i came out and- and my dad was angry. He threw pictures of our family across the room, broke vases, chairs, and the coffee table. He burned all photos that had me in them.....” Remus paused. It still hurt to tell the story. But now, he was safe. He was with his friends. “he- get threatened me. Called me a disgrace, disappoint, fag, so on....... My mom wasn't happy about this. She agreed with what he said but didnt like the way he was reacting by breaking things.... She cared more about a vase than her child..... ” Remus trailed off, leaving it at that. He wasn't going to say what happened next. “he hurt you didn't he” Peter said, putting a hand over his mouth. Remus nodded • • • The 4 marauders fell alseep about 5am. They were up all night talking, and ended up all in a bundle, hugging.People say that love has to be shown in words. But Remus Lupin knows this isnt true. When Remus Lupin is around bia friends, he feels loved. Even if thy are just sitting there. He feels loved. He feels wanted. He feels cared for.Remus grew up where love was a sore topic. Love was girl and boy. Not girl and girl or boy and boy. Remus thought gays were brave. He thought they're cool. He looked up to them. He knew he was onw of them when he met Sirius Black He knew he was in love. But he didnt tell anyone. He kept it a secret. He put on a mask. He hid who he was. And he hated itRemus Lupin is the friend that waits for you when you tie youe shoe. Remus Lupin is rhe friend that listens when you need to talk. Remus Lupin is the one that's scared to be him. Remus lupin is the one that loves everyoneRemus Lupin is who we need more of in this world."THIS IS RUBISH!" Sirius yelled, running a hand through his hair. "how does this stuff even work!??" It was summer, and the sun was setting. Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter were camping in the woods, something they did every summer. Dora Potter gave James some little challenge things for them to do, and some were harder than others. The first one was to do something no one has done before. This one was easy, mainly because of Sirius' wild imagination. He came up with the idea to turn into his dog form (also known as snuffles) when on a broom with James, whilst Remus and Peter set off fireworks. It was somwthing else, and if you didn't know the marauders, it'd seem really weird. "were lucky this stuff won't be on O.W.L.s " Peter said as he syarywd handing out some snacks he bought. "bloody hell, theres O.W.L.s next year!" James said, looking up from the paper he had been staring at. "im not ready for those-" they were all sitting around the fire, which was the only source of light other than the moon and stars in the sky (and their wands, but the only one that remembered that was Remus) Remus hasn't looked up from the paper, yet was listening to everything in the conversation. He was thinking about the question on the paper that Sirius was yelling about. He didnt know what to put for it. Who are you? At first, the boys thought the answer was there name. But then, they realized the question had much more to it. Who are you? What parts are you made of? What Makes you different? James and Peter had found a few things to write down, but Remus, nor Sirius, couldn't think of anything. 'what am I?' he had said when they got to this challenge. 'a werewolf?' he finished, rubbing the back of his neck. He had almost said 'monster' but stopped himself. He knew that wouldnt go over too well..... He truly had no idea what to write. Peter had written how he wad a good listener, how he was caring and kind, and how he knew small things about his friends that not many people knew. James had written about how he was a believer. He believed in himself and his friends, and someimes even his peers. (If they weren't a Slytherin that was. He really didnt like Slytherins.) He wrote that he would never give up on his friends and trusts them with his life. Sirius was also having trouble thinking about things, because of where he came from. He wasn't loved or cared for by anyone other than the Potters or his friends.

James and Peter went to get some more snacks from the tent when Remus and Sirius stayed at the fire, Remus never looking up from the paper. "I DONT KNOW WHO I AM!" Sirius yelled, throwing his arms into the air. "I DONT KNOW!" Even though Remus wasn't showing it, he was just as frustrated as Sirius was. He was starting to get mad at James' mom for giving them these challenges. After 5 minutes James and Peter came back to the fire, holding bunches of foods and snacks. Remus didn't eat anything though, He said he wasnt hungry. After about half an hour, Sirius came up with some things, saying that he was different and indepenident. It made sense, he was the first non-Slytherin in his family. "your brave " Remus said, looking up from the paper for the first time. "your brave for going back to that place every summer" Sirius looked into Remus' eyes for a second before nodding and writing that down. A little flutter of hope had gone through him when remus had said that he was brave. Remus wished he could say that HE was brave. Yeah, he had moments when he was brave, but most of the time he was a loser. His mind flashed to a month ago, when summer had just stared. The month he wished never happened. That's when evwrything went down hill. He hadnt told anyone about what happened thought. Just kept it to himself. His friends didn't need to know he was homeless. That's when Remus wrote something on the paper for the first time. He curled the y at the end of the word aroundd the bottom of it, making the word be underlined with the y's tail. He stared down at the word and sighed. It was who he was and he couldn't change that.

The word was gay.

.

.

.

After the word gay, remus wrote a few things the other said. Brave. Smart. Kind In small print off to the side though, Remus had a wrote things he didn't want anyone to see. alone, monster, disappointment, failure, ugly.... Most of the list is what he got told when he came out. None of it was from his friends, but more of less his parents. Remus kept adding to the list, adding homophobic slurs he got called by others, and other hurtful things that he knew he was, no matter what people told him.

Its was about 2 in the morning when Sirius feel asleep, then about 2:30 when peter and Remus fell asleep. James, who was still wide awake, notices the small handwriting in the corner of Remus' parchment. He read the words. Alone. Monster. Disappointment Failure. Ugly. Faggot. Mistake. Accident. Unlovable. Unnoticed. Homeless

James bit his lip and looked over at Remus. He was hugging himself in his sleep. 'hes homeless?' james thought to himself, setting the parchment back where Remus had set it. James didn't know what to do, or what to think. So he woke Sirius up.

"whadyawantProngs" Sirius muttered. He and james were farther away from the team and fire, james didn't want anyone to heae them. (He mainly didnt want Remus to know he read the paper). "its about Remus " james said. "i didnt know who else to tell, but he wrote really bad things about himself Sirius. He isn't ok." James paused and looked at Sirius, who now looked worried. "he wrote a monster, and that he's ugly and a disappointment and an accident and a f-" James couldnt being himself tk say the word. "he said he was homeless, Sirius. Something happened. He needs help Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes. "lets talk about this tomorrow. Right now Rey is with us, and he's safe. Well ask him a out it tomorrow. Er- later today I guess James nodded and started walking back to the tent. But when they got there, the fire was out, and Remus was gone. All they found was a sobbing Peter.

---

"h-he r-ra-ran" Peter stumbled around the words, trying to stop sobbing. He couldnt believe what had happened. He could barely remember it. He had told the story to the best of his ability. At this point he was just repeating things.

Not long after James and Sirius left, Remus had woken up. He saw the paper had gotten moved and started freaking out mentally. Thats when it happened Thats when Lyall(a/n: sorry if its spelt wrong) Lupin apreared. Thats when Remus screamed, but it was muffled but his father putting his hand over his sons mouth. Peter woke at Remus' scream, and watched everything that happened under his eyelashes, not daring to open his eyes anymore. Peter heard the words Remus' dad spoke. Peter heard the quiet sobs Remus let out. Peter heard Remus call his name. Peter heard the calls for help. "Remus?" he muttered, acting like he had just woken up. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, then acted like he was just seeing the sence before him for the first time. Before Peter could say anything else, Remus' father dropped Remus and disappeared again. Peter went over to Remus. "are you ok? Should I get the oth-" Remus had fun before Peter could finish the sentence.

"shhhh Pete it wasnt your fault, calm down " James said, slightly hugging his friend. Peter nodded. It took a a few minutes, but soon he had calmed down. "we need to find him " Sirius said. He had beem staring at the paper remus had wrote on, re-reading everything on it. He was almost in tears. He couldnt believe anything that Remus had written. It hurt his heart. "i agree. Peter, did you see what direction he went in?" Peter nodded and started walking in the direction Remus went in. Sirius' hands were shaking. He had tears in his eyes that broke free when they couldnt find Remus. "we'll never find him..." he said, sitting on a rock. Thats when he heard it. Crying. "Rey?" Sirius looked around. There was no one there. "hey James? Did you bring the cloak?" James looked at Sirius. "yeah. Why do you ask?" Sirius bit his lip slightly. He knew where Remus was. "no reason " he lied, getting up. He walked between some trees that were behind the rock he had been sitting on and saw the log. "rey?" the cries stopped. Sirius sighed and sat on the log, right next to where Remus would be if he could be seen. That's when he felt him. Remus had put his head on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius could hear the cries, he could feel Remus trying to catch his breath. Thats when James came back to where Sirius and Remus were. He sat on the other side of Remus and reached out to pull the cloak off Remus. Sirius hugged Remus, the james hugged him too, waving Peter over. If there was anything Remus needed right now, it was love. And that's what the other marauders would give.

.

.

.

The marauders put two and two together. They knew that Remus was alone, and just needed to feel loved. So that's what they did. When they got back to where they were camping, they started up the fire again and got the story of what happened from Remus. If it wasn't for Sirius holding his hand Remus would have run away again

“i came out and- and my dad was angry. He threw pictures of our family across the room, broke vases, chairs, and the coffee table. He burned all photos that had me in them.....” Remus paused. It still hurt to tell the story. But now, he was safe. He was with his friends. “he- get threatened me. Called me a disgrace, disappoint, fag, so on....... My mom wasn't happy about this. She agreed with what he said but didnt like the way he was reacting by breaking things.... She cared more about a vase than her child..... ” Remus trailed off, leaving it at that. He wasn't going to say what happened next. “he hurt you didn't he” Peter said, putting a hand over his mouth. Remus nodded • • • The 4 marauders fell alseep about 5am. They were up all night talking, and ended up all in a bundle, hugging.

People say that love has to be shown in words. But Remus Lupin knows this isnt true. When Remus Lupin is around bia friends, he feels loved. Even if thy are just sitting there. He feels loved. He feels wanted. He feels cared for.

Remus grew up where love was a sore topic. Love was girl and boy. Not girl and girl or boy and boy. Remus thought gays were brave. He thought they're cool. He looked up to them. He knew he was onw of them when he met Sirius Black He knew he was in love. But he didnt tell anyone. He kept it a secret. He put on a mask. He hid who he was. And he hated it

Remus Lupin is the friend that waits for you when you tie youe shoe. Remus Lupin is rhe friend that listens when you need to talk. Remus Lupin is the one that's scared to be him. Remus lupin is the one that loves everyone

Remus Lupin is who we need more of in this world.

#Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #James Potter #peter pettigrew #Marauders #angst #lgbtq #wolfstar #self hate #love #Harry Potter

[order-progress]

I used to have a really entitled outlook on life. In my mind though, I was entitled to my thought processes because it was where my mind existed in the place having had come from a once far more turbulent era. Back then I didn't question things that werent outwardly obvious. I didnt question the unremarkable identities of things that exhibited no distinctions amongst one another. Life was a stream of experience, and I just did the best of choices I decided to arrange, or really actually, more like shuffle choices into a messy pile and pat myself in the back cause I could squint at it my mismatched pile of non related events and not feel guilty for putting off routine, structure and goals.

I guess it isnt so surprising to anticipate that like all my other experiences, disicpline would present itself when and if I needed it to be summoned out of wherever creative and yet very hard to imagine location i would imagine it arriving at some future, ambiguous date, just in time to make no work look like fancier no work and with ribbons on it.

Something very common happened to me, something that is happinning right now all around the world, no matter how many days, or years after i first posted this here.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

I wore my entitlement pretty high that day, because somehow, despite there having been no carefully executed plan made on ky end--some masterpiece scheme of genius where one could really see there existed some reasonable and healthy attention to tackle to fucking problem.

Nope. My mother fucking entitled ass decided id actually be shocked. Not even fake shocked. Thats how you know you have lost touch with your surroundings, because big things happen in your wake..while your awake and yet somehow your stuck on who killed the butler in the library with the candle stick.

What makes this one of the most significant event despite its occurance being fairly common globaly, is that his presence had caused me to become more aware of more of the things I would have otherwise taken in stride, none of these events were remarkable on their own, but collectivelly, I had inadvertantly cleaned up my mindspace to find neatly organized clusters of thoughts no longer blending into the subconcious like 70's urban grafitti.

I didnt hold that moment to some disporportionately skewed sugar coating scale just to get ribbons on them after they were organized,I just acknowledged them, like a breath,where as before, they were simply obstacles or pit stops that would perpetuate the chronic attention deficit I had welcomed into my head. I like to think of ADD as the worlds most innefective street sweepers, they sweep alright, but they just make a bigger mess and then you got things in places they have no business being in.

I was in a place of low self worth because of an accumulated collection of short lived and half assed adventures, disastrous endeavers and the nefarious presence of something so obscured, so black and forboding, made me avoid certain places for simply not wanting to deal with the house keeping it wouldve required to mitigate its destructive intentions.

I kept myself busy to not force the acknowledgent that this would become a source of not only my insecuruties, but then in addition to its ever increasing interconnectedness, its complexity. Its chambers that hardened like a mystical kight of armor, whose drawers were full of destructive objects and thoughts that rattled in their confinement as a means of foreshadowing something so sinister, I could not then yet fathom the destrutive ways its icy talons would engulf and twist into my everyday life simply to create chaos, and it didnt register that this was a problem because amidst this battle royale of fragments and bits of poorly put together patterns, Francisco's presense was a light whose emimation lulled me into a complacecy I hadnt anticipated

It wasnt that in this period, that I conciously made a decision to disregard the growing issue, it was the novelty of being in a loving, beautiful and mature relationship with someone that as each day grew, so did my conviction that this person was becoming the brightest fixture in an ever cramped confined hallway of possibilities.

As I stood there aware of this moment, feeling a satisfaction and a gratitude I had never felt before, I realized that I had come so far on autopilot, it was a move that was almost instinctual, I rolled my sleeves up, put on the rocky theme song, got my gym bag ready, went and bought like every stupid unessecary stupid trinket shit people buy to feel like their getting a handle and a good start on some shit, but really it just becomes the infuriating bag of junk that is now the obstacle between you and the door handle to exit your car and actually start your project.

I felt a sense of urgency, I saw how unequipped I had been and while I was and it was this moment that taught me how much I loved him. I reckognized that somehow I was one of those fucking weirdos that jumped through those seedy ass short cut type scenarios in life to give you the same effect of the real thing in less the time, kind of like a GED vs high school diploma, or plan b instead of condoms.

I recognized that there was an innate element of unneccesary risk involved in many of my accomplishments. The risk was usually always a concious decision that I would accept a certain amount of totally unnecessary consequences that typically would define the life of those people who you catch specific glimpses of in mysterious times like dawn or dusk. And be like..yea i could totally see that guy having to figure out what to do with the llama he inherited as a result of some gamble.

This was no longer an acceptable risk. It wasnt that i thought it was dangerous or scare him away, its that I am not the kind of man that wakes up and sees the problems his factory has and finally knows how to fix it and then just be okay with going to bed and put it off.

This is where I get annoyed again. I knew that I wasnt capable of actively doing something against him, because we both agreed on things, and also neither of us was completely high as fucking kite on methamphetamines while operating a forklift to tune a paino yet.

I couldnt ever feel bad about atheletes who ugly cried after being disqualified for juicing to get an unfair advantage in the sports world.

Yet once again my overwhelming confidence, my lovable man mentality of "fuck a map or tools you got grit, spit and teeth". Prevailed.

Im mad because it was this moment right here. In a sea of me being happy to grow and learn and doing the rignt thing. I saw a place i overlooked, its presence was almost like a marker that there were many other areas i needed to work on, and i got sad.

I didnt feel good enough. I felt like a mess. I felt dissapointed at the pride in nothing I had taken so many times. I was finally proud of the changes i was making again, only to be reminded in a very real way of how I never had structure, never had a fail safe implemented effectively to instead of adopting either anxiety or no fucks about an event that could have been in my power to mitigate, i either didnt even notice I missed it, or didnt care.

As I started seeing the mountain of work I had to do, I wondered what it meant about how effectively i could handle other things moving forward, it was an irrational fear that I had that I would dissapoint him because I wanted us to be happy. But i am an artistic person, people who work with details to make a larger picture learn early on how to work details, and I never evaluated just how shoddy my altertanitive crash course was like getting PlAN B instead of putting a condom on.

I can handle pressure effectively. I can be okay with my decisions. What I cant do is open up a factory, see everything that was negelcted when I now know how to fix it, and then go to sleep like nothing bothered me.

I never in my life found myself in a place where i came face to face with old life and it made me feel sad or humilated. I felt like a fraud for just having gotten lucky that everytning worked out, while he worked hard.

I suddenly felt something I never experienced before, fear in love. The moment where you realize your not a piece of shit because you actually dont want to let someone down, the moment when you feel bad because you walked around in life with luck you didnt give a second thought to and passed it off as hard work. And here was this beautiful man, whose life was suffering and hard work, and you realized all of it at once, and there I was, eager fucking beaver captain america man of the house cause now i feel like a god damned engineer since i could assemble an ikea 3 piece wrench-back the fuck up motherfuckers.

I just felt humbled and i felt driven. I also felt the pressures rise up around me and I dont know why I couldnt look away from the sight of the realization of how id been. And its not like i did it all on purpose, but from that moment on, it was as if I had something to prove to myself that at that time I couldnt understand yet because I hadnt reflected yet. And as I was taking the scenic route on ways to "punish yourself is actually how we fucking motivate ourselves around here cus were fucking men" the bigger I created something inside me that wasnt ever there. And then as the places that I had been tendering to and growing in started to not be kept, pressure in my life at home happened. And for the first time in my entire life I was embarrassed at my life.

I remember the moment I felt it, my mom leaving me at work after I lost my car. I walked 2 miles in the cold because i was infuriated that I allowed another event I could have forseen to happen.

I never in my life reflected this intensley on my actions before. Having him in my life made me realize I had been holding myself to a higher standard because I am at my best when I when I am actively building towards something. I opened a place in me I never saw with those eyes and it hurt me. I tried to let him in, and to be honest, the insecurities of him seeing all that mortiified me..not because I would be seen as a slob or this or that, i was just dissapointed that I for a time during when I needed it the most in my early life, I wasnt necessarily taught healthy ways to do things. Mostly because I came to this country at 10, didnt know english, parents worked all the time until i was 16 and then dad got sick with brain cancer and we caught it after he had a seizure cause dad apperently loved moonlighting as my biggest fan when he would go reading my journal at night.

I didnt know how to explain it to francisco. I was feeling. New concept, i was feeling out of sync, i didnt understand why it hit me so hard. I was trying to look away and orient myself on the present.

I could have just dealt with that. But i suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. My boyfriend and I were getting into arguments because I just wanted us to be closer due to this need i didnt know how to vocalize about what I was going through, and he hesitated because he probably thought id leave him if i saw his dirty secrets.

That was the one thing he really never appreciated about my love. I just knew. If everything else was as evident ..like this feelings and where they came from and how to process them healthy while ...it just all got too much. I didnt know how to tell him what I needed. I just needed him.

I started to feel like i wasnt tethered to the focused areas I was so eager to work in. I just kept telling myself communication is key we will get through it.

Then I the drugs did something I didnt expect them to. They turned off this guilt and switch. They gave me the quiet to make them come down to a more manegeable place where I wasnt overwhelmed anymore.

Because I couldnt process this in words at the time, i didnt know how to express that to him. It led to me feeling guilty for not understanding why i enjoyed doing the drugs aside from the stimulant effect. When i tried to explain it to him, it was like trying to coin a cheesy motto for a doomed cereal commercial in french, basically everuthing sounded like something he had no understamding or could relate to.

I started feeling depressed because i could see that although from his perspective we were fighting..

I was even more frustrated becauese we werent fighting. I was pretty much crying, trying to tell him in french something he didnt understand while he was yelling at me in english about me not respecting him by not speaking english.

This was the worst fucking part. Because part of the issue that led me here was accountabiliyy and communication.

I kept telling him in the only way i knew how.please im sorry i know things are getting worse. But this isnt how we are.

I thought we could get through anything.

In his mind he saw a piece of something, he ignored my emotional attachment to it..and i mean i cant blame him, other people never quit.

But even in those moments i knew i wasnt going to be other people.

And suddenly i was alone. I was depressed. I had realized that it wasnt us that was th issue so i tried so hard to communicate more effectively that he got frustrated and said i talked in loops. I felt so alone because i understood his frustration and i just needed him to trust me. But that was the perfect storm when i just got so alone feeling from his inability to just not look at me how i felt at myself. And i honestly tried to fix it in the middle of him running away and the most painful thing was that he couldnt understand and i didnt know how to say it.

I dont blame him for leaving

But a part of me breaks to my very core to know that if he just literally lookrd at me like yes i was going crZy but i was just hurting and overwhelmed.

All i wanted and needed was him.

The worst. Pain was that he didnt see that.

And i needed to explain it. And he didnt let me.

I felt like i was desperatly trying to express something of real explaination. I just honestly was desperate to because he was running.

I

[dont-follow-me-im-scared]

My worst goodbye

Per my therapist request im "journaling" breakup I guess. I mean its been a long time coming but this time it was real and needed to this might be long but here goes:

The force,

I dont even know where to start so I'll start from the begining. The night I met you, when I walked into that bar I had no intention of meeting my soul mate. Yes soul mate. I never believed in them until I met you. But after 9 long years ive learned sometimes we meet our soul mate and we dont get to keep them. I had quite a bit to drink, see you didnt know this but I was 19 I just looked old enough to be there and I had gotten divorced a few months before my world would be forever rocked and changed. The night carried on the christmas air was no match for the drink and the long sleeve I had on. I removed layers the more I drank and I stayed close to the bar. This tall man with the bluest eyes id ever seen was taking care of my drink needs but young me saw a mountain I wanted to climb. I was informed you were married when the regulars realized my attention wasnt going anywhere but you. I flashed the bar (dumb kid is probably what you thought) but everyone in there knew it was for you. Hell I said I wouldnt do it unless you were there. The night carried on, my friends were restless trying to protect whatever modesty they felt I had that night. I wanted to go to the after party I was told youd be attending. They refused and wanted to get me home. Closing time was coming. I wrote my number on a napkin and waited. You went back towards the bathrooms and I knew somehow in my awe struck drunken stuper that was my chance. I walked back caught you right at the end of the hall. Do you remember what I said? I can. The words and moment is forever burned into my brain. "I can keep a secret". Slipped my number into your front pocket smooth as fuck. Which isnt me. But you know that right? Because after that night you saw sides of me no one was ever allowed to see. You saw me grow as a person and into a woman. That was the begining of the end. That singular moment with rumple on my breathe as I stood on my tip toes to lean as close to your ear as I could when I spoke those words. I took in how you smelled. I had no idea soon that smell would be my favorite and put my spirit at ease.

I woke up the next morning with a text from an unknown number. Then the conversation started. You filled in the parts of the night that wasnt clear. You made me nervous. A sensation that would never die down. Tuesday. She'll be at work. Dinner and hang out at the house? Sure. I bet you thought you were getting lucky that night. Not as lucky as I was going to be I guess. Because see even though this is a goodbye, and one thats tearing me apart I was so lucky to feel this. Not everyone gets to experience this with anyone in their entire life. You had a young child. Maybe 3 months I think. Timing in the universe is shitty like that. We sat on the couch. Me almost shaking with nerves but trying to keep my calm because I refused to look a fool in front of you. Do you remember what we watched? Big bang theory. And from then on anytime I saw an episode (I never watched it myself) my thoughts would gravitate back to that couch with you. Do you know how hard thats going to be on me now because that shows everywhere. I guess thats not your problem though. We didnt have sex. I was too nervous and I mean I felt like I was going to puke you made me so nervous. But there was a warmth. This tiny spark of a fire that was felt by me at least. We made out alot. But everytime you reached for my belt my gut screamed "No! Not yet" and ive never been one to ignore my gut. I left. I parked my car a few houses down. The late December air felt so cold against my face because my cheeks were burning like id be in the gym. This couldnt be real. I texted you when I got to the end of the street. "Im sorry I couldn't have sex with you I was so nervous if you dont want to meet up again i get it." I expected you to blow me off. I mean you are older and a bartender. I knew in my head what you were use to with women. I had only been with two people my whole life but you. You reeked experience. Then my phone did something that felt magical in the moment. It lit up with that text. That text reassuring me you wanted to see me again. The text that made me float the whole way home.

The visits became more frequent. Sex with you was amazing. You engulfed my body in what seemed like worship. Not one inch of me ignored. Hands and mouth just exploring the new territory. I was more adventurous. I wanted to make you happy in every way possible. Theres a need inside me to make sure youre happy. There's this new feeling like in a woman and not just some highschooler whos date is trying to get lucky. Theres a chemistry unmatched and indescribable in all honesty. It happened on the couch. The 2nd time I saw you. You carried my straddling body to your room all that was on was my unbutton jeans and your jeans. Your arms lifted me with such ease I gasped. I remember. See how much I remember. Your bedroom smelt like soap and the sheets smelled clean. The only light in the room was the green from the clock by your bed. Then before I knew it your mouth was where no other mans had been. You gave me a new experience I had been deprived of before. Then you were inside of me when I felt like my body was going to stop. Laying there after wards, your hands playing with my spine while we had small conversations in between sighs I considered if this could be forever. I knew right then you were different. I knew we were different. I knew there was something in my way but never desired to remove it. Your kiss at the front door when I was leaving had a longing. Like you didnt want to send me away. It was dark. The neighbors didnt know but as bright as I felt like I was shinning I wondered if they were peering out of the windows to see the source. Was any of this real for you? I dont think I want the answer because it was so real for me. This all sounds crazy. You're married and I knew but here I was.

It got to where id barley make it through your unlocked door without you scoping me up like youd waited all week to get your hands on me. The text in between visits didnt seem like enough any more. So I started doing what any logical in love person would do. I started getting hotel rooms and going to the bar on the weekends. I had to see you more. Hear your voice. See you smile at me from across that bar knowing I was picturing having you under me on every surface there. It made it fun right? Like we had a huge secret right in front of everyone. Including your sister in law who bartended with you some nights. It was a rush right? Knowing I was going to be in that weed infused hotel room half drunk mostly stoned in the see through black robe you love(d) so much. Knowing there was nothing between me and you but this thin fabric. Do you think people could see it on our faces? Your friends became mine because I was at the bar so often but none of them knew. Our conversations grew and we became friends who just happen to explode with this chemistry. It was more than what it had been but that was the most itd ever be. Remember the Halloween you dressed at a 20s gangster. Remeber the red dress i rushed into the bar in on new years eve so I could kiss you by midnight. Do you remember taking me in your arms around my waist and kissing me in front of everyone? I'll never forget because that was a moment where I thought this is how it could be. I met you for lunches. I met you at quicktrips for a five minute visit. Boyfriends came and went but you never left. I kept you around. Remember the apartments down the street I moved into so I could be closer. You whistling while I was waiting at my open front door. That smile. You nuzzling me after on the balcony while i smoked. I hated you had to leave me every time. You lingered in my door hesitant to walk away. The good thing about me living so close is you got to spend more time with me.

I stated you were my soul mate. I mean it. I have forever missed my chance with the one person I truly believe was made for me. All because a year of timing. You told me so many times had it not been for your baby youd leave. I believed you. I love my husband and my daughter but no one will ever light the fire you did inside me and still do. Which is why I need to walk away. Youre a source of confusion in my life. I cant allow myself to question if my relationships right because I dont have the feeling I did with you. Does that make me bad? I dont think so. I love him and dont want to hurt him which is why I have to do this. Cutting an imprint with you is one of the hardest things ive had to do but hurting him would be harder. I'll never forget a million things about you. Memories with you. I honestly hope you'll never forget me. I wish I could tell my daughter about you one day and how she never needs to settle unless someone makes her feel like you made me feel.

Love always

Youre biggest fan.

#breakup #soul mates #sometimes it doesnt work

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Wait, What Did You Just Say? (Jungkook x You) // ONESHOT

MASTERLIST

A/N: I really dont know what I'm doing, but the idea just came to me at 3am and I decided to just go with it. Hope you will enjoy it! Comments are welcomed.

Summary: You wake up on the day of your 21st birthday to find that you are in all the headlines as BTS' Jeon Jungkook alleged girlfriend, confirmed by the man himself. The problem is, you've never even met the guy! .

God, what is that shrill annoying sound? You groped around your bedside table, trying to find the source and just make it stop, with eyes still tightly close. You grunt in victory when you found it, which happens to be your damn handphone. You pry one eye open with much difficulty to see the time, 8 am, and grab the damn device.

Who the hell would call so early in the morning?

"Good morning sunshine!" the sound of your best friend's voice filled the air.

"What the hell do you want Jin Hee? And why the hell are you up so early? Didnt you partied just as hard as I did yesterday?" you grumbled. Jin Hee had thrown you a fantastic birthday party at the club last night. In your hazy memory, you are pretty sure she is just as drunk as you were, so how can she be so chirpy right now? Is she still drunk?

"Wow, someone woke up at the wrong side of the bed! Arent you too grumpy for someone who is celebrating her birthday today?"

"Its nothing to do with waking up with which ever side of the bed, its because you woke me up, period," you grumbled again. Seriously, why is she your best friend again? "And you are right. It is my birthday, so can you just let me sleep?!"

"Oh ho, no can do Y/N. You have a lot of explaining to do,"

"What do you mean?" God, what is she on about this early in the morning?

"Look at the article I sent you! How can you keep this from me? We've been friends for years!" Jin Hee cried out.

"Seriously, can you just tell me what nonsense you are talking about and let me go back to sleep?" you groggily ask her. You really just want to go back to the warmth of your blanket. Your head is still dizzy, traces of last night's massive hangover is still prominent.

"Y/N, why didnt you tell me you are Bangtan's Jeon Jungkook's girlfriend?!"

"Seriously Jin Hee. I'm so tired and-" your eyes shot open, the sleepiness and dizziness disappeared in an instance once you process what Jin Hee just said. "Wait, what did you just say?"

/////

"Okay, explain," Jin Hee look up at you once you arrived at the booth she was seated at in your favorite diner. You yawn and take slide in the seat opposite from her.

"Can you just at least let me order first? Its still my birthday you know," you complained.

"Fine," Jin Hee quickly flagged down the waitress and order a stack of pancakes top with strawberries, blueberries, syrup and cream, your usual preference. "Okay, now explain,"

You rolled your eyes. "What if I wanted something else? What if I wanted the toast or the sunny side up or-"

"Y/N. You've been eating the same thing since the first day we came here," Jin Hee, cut you off, looking straight at your face. "The way you are avoiding the issue make me thinks that its actually true! You are, arent you?" she asked with wide eyes.

"I am what?" you turned and smile at the waitress and mouthed a thankyou as she placed your delicious pancakes in front of you, more interested in the food than you annoyed best friend right now. Jin Hee shot you a death glare.

"Jeon Jungkook's girlfriend?" she point to the screen of her phone, where an article with the exact same headline can be seen. You rubbed your temples.

"Jin Hee, you know I dont even know the guy. We have only ever seen him on TV. That is probably not even me, just some chick with the same name!" you hungrily digged into your pancakes, hoping your friend would just drop the topic. The issue is so ridiculous. You've never even met Jeon Jungkook in real life, and its too early in the morning and you are just to dizzy to dig deeper into the issue that only seems like a mindless rumor.

"Oh really? Then what is this?" Jin Hee scrolled further and showed you another part of the article, where there's a picture of Jungkook himself, smiling that cute bunny smile, and to your horror, is holding a photo of you that you uploaded on your social media a few days back, with a caption, 'Jeon Jungkook finally introduced his girlfriend to the world, known as Lee Y/N'. Your eyes widen and you looked at Jin Hee.

"From your reaction, I can tell you really have no idea about this," Jin Hee ponders, getting more interested in the issue.

"I...I really dont. What the hell is happening?"

"There's only one way to find out," Jin Hee grinned. "You need to go and meet Jeon Jungkook,"

"What?!" you shrieked. "No way. Even if we can locate where he is, how am I even supposed to to meet him? I dont think they will just let me,"

Jin Hee's grin got wider, making you feel like you are talking to the Cheshire Cat. "Of course they will. You are, after all, his girlfriend,"

/////

"Are you not going to go and find her?" Taehyung asked, hands crossed over his chest as the two of them stand in front of the TV, watching the entertainment news that is buzzing with the theories and reactions on Jungkook's girlfriend. The younger man just grinned.

"Nah. She will come to me. I'm pretty sure of it," Jungkook confidently replied to his hyung, making Taehyung chuckle and shakes his head.

"You really have some weird method to confess your love maknae," he patted the younger's back and walked off, leaving Jungkook alone, still smiling as he continued watching the news about himself.

You are going to be mine this time Y/N. There's no running from me.The whole world already knows about us.

/////

"You are really a first class stalker, do you know that?" you glare at Jin Hee as she lead you to a downtown restaurant.

"Its not stalking, its just careful obversation," she smiled. Jin Hee suddenly burst into your apartment one day, saying she found some information to where Bangtan will be having their lunch and forced you out from your pajamas just to go to the said restaurant. Seriously, she is into finding your 'boyfriend' more than you do.

"Are you even sure he is here?"

"Yes," she said, full of confidence. "Even if I were to be wrong, we will atleast get to eat some decent food. I heard this restaurant is good," you just shrugged, following her.

After a few more minutes of walking, the two of you arrived at the said restaurant. The smell coming from it is absolutely delicious and its a quaint and quiet, a little secluded, perfect for some world class idols to come and have a proper meal without being mobbed by their fans. Your palms start to sweat as you realized you are going to meet the guy who claims himself to be your boyfriend in a matter of seconds. What do you even say?

It turns out you didnt have to say anything because the moment you entered the restaurant, seven pair of eyes turn and looked at the two of you. One of it is accompanied with a huge bunny looking grin. Its as if they leave the clues of their whereabouts on purpose.

"Ermm, hey?" you akwardly give them a tiny wave. Jin Hee who is standing by your side stay quiet, literally suffering from massive star struck at the seven boys who she usually just see on TV. You glanced at her, oh now you know how to keep quiet!

"Hey Jungkook, your girlfriend is here," the one you recognized as Jimin said, as if your presence in the restaurant isnt obvious.

"I guess you are right after all. She did come to you," the other one called Taehyung chimed as as he shoved more food into his mouth. The said boyfriend just continue to stare at you with a huge smile on his stupid handsome face. Not liking the way they are talking about you as if you arent there, you can feel yourself fuming.

"Okay. Hold up. What the hell is going on? Is this some sick game you celebrities play? Like lets prank a fan or something?"

Despite your anger, the boys seem unaffected. In fact, their smile got wider.

"Oh?" Hoseok raised an eyebrow. "I didnt know your girlfriend is also a fan Jungkook," Hoseok suddenly chimed in. You rolled your eyes at his statement.

"That's not what I mea-"

"She's feisty Jungkook. I like it. You chose well," Yoongi make a comment, totally ignoring you. You huffed in anger and raised your hands, surrendering.

"This is really bullshit. I'm done," you quickly spun around, dragging Jin Hee with you. You can feel the tears pricking at the corner of your eyes. You felt shitty from what Taehyung said. Its as if Jungkook is mocking you by telling everyone you will eventually come to find him. You dont understand why, but you felt hummiliated. As if they are just playing you. You shouldnt have listen to Jin Hee and sought him out. You should just let the news died down on its own. You have never even met Jungkook before, why do you even bother to clear out the misunderstanding? Why is he doing this to you?

"Y/N I'm sorry. Dont cry. Lets just go home okay? And forget all this, " Jin Hee sense your sadness and embraced you, feeling guilty for pushing you on the issue. You almost let all your tears spilled out when a voice stopped you.

"Y/N, wait!"

The two of you turned around to see none other than Jeon Jungkook, looking flushed in the winter air, as if he just ran the short distance from the restaurant to where you are standing right now.

"Urm, can I talk to Y/N alone for a while?" he looks over at Jin Hee, eyes pleading. Jin Hee nodded and slowly release you from her hold. You look at her, begging her to stay.

"I'm sorry but I think this is something you have to do. I will just be over there if you need me," she whispered before she moved away.

Jungkook takes slow careful step towards you. "I'm sorry,"

You raised your head to look at him. "For what? For telling the whole world lies about me being your girlfriend or for the way you and your stupid friends treat me back there?" you snarled, angry tears start to rolled down your cheeks, which you quickly wiped away. There's no way you are going to let this cocky idol see you cry. Jungkook's gaze dropped to the floor, feeling guilty.

"For both. But I'm not lying Y/N," he looks up to you. "You are crying!" he exclaimed, hands automatically reached up to wiped your tears that betrayed you. "I didnt mean to make you cry,"

You pushed his hands away, startling him. "What are you talking about Jeon Jungkook?! You lied to the whole world! I'm not your girlfriend! I dont even know you! I have never even met you before today!" you cried out. Frustrated for not getting the answers that you need. This whole thing just feel like some kind of a weird dream. How is it even possible you are standing in the middle of no where with a well known celebrity claiming to be your boyfriend?

"I promised you Y/N. Dont you remember?"

"Okay. You are delusional. I dont know how you even know my name or how do you even get my picture in the first place. But I swear to God, you celebrities are sick if you think-"

"Dont you remember me?" Jungkook took hold of both of your hands, cutting you off from your rambling.

"What are you talking about? How can I remember someone I literally just met? You are really crazy," you tried to shake loose but Jungkook only hold on tighter while one hand goes inside his coat pocket, taking out a tiny bracelet, fit for a child. It somehow looks familiar to you.

"15 years ago. Dont you remember?" he peered into your eyes. You are confused at first but as you stare deep into his eyes, you start to recognized the same deep brown doe eyes that used to stare at you every day when you were just a mere seven year old.

"You are pretty, I like you," the boy who has been staring at you for the whole year finally have the courage to say something to you. You giggled, like the little girl you are.

"Thank you. But I dont like you!" you said and run away. Little Jungkook chase after you.

"But why?" he pouts. The two of you sat on the floor of the playground.

"I dont know. You are weird," you laughs.

"You will like me. I'm sure of it!" even as a tiny seven year old, Jungkook can never give in to defeat, and to him, at that very moment, having you to like him is the biggest victory. "I will make you my girlfriend when we are old enough. My mommy says 21 is a grown up.. Then you will be my girlfriend when we are 21! And I will let everyone in the whole wide world know" he confidently said, making you giggle.

"You are weird!" you start to get on your feet to playfully run away again, but Jungkook managed to grabbed your wrist, making your bracelet fell into his grasp as you ran away.

You never see Jungkook again as you moved to another city the very next day, leaving all memory and the promise of a bunny tooth boy behind.

"Kookie?" you stuttered out. Jungkook smile at your recognition.

"Yes," he softly said, carressing your hand. "I didnt lie Y/N. I promised to make you my girlfriend when you turned 21 and tell the whole world about it, and I did," he grinned.

"You...you, how did you find me?"

"I tried to find you for years. Trust me, its difficult. I kept your bracelet all this while as a reminder of my promise and as I grow older, the need to find you increased. I need to see you again. I finally find your social media a few years back and have been following your move since then, but I still dont know where you lived or how to find you. I'm scared you will be weirded out if I try to contact you through your profile. When I've finally make a name on my own, I knew if I tell the world you as are my girlfriend, you will come and find me eventually. And you did," he explained everything, trying to make you understand.

You cant help but to cry, smiling widely through your soaked cheeks, feelinf extremely touched. All the man in your life left you the moment somethinf went even a bit wrong and here you have this boy, who you met when you are just a little kid and its been 15 years and this boy still havent given up in finding you.

"You think I will be weirded out if you contacted me on my social media but thinks its fine to announced to the whole world instead?" you raised an eyebrow, questioning his poor decision. He sheepishly smile, his hand scratching the back of his neck.

"Yeah... It seems like a great idea at that time," he grinned. "And its kinda romantic dont you think?"

You playfully slapped his chest. "No! Its weird!"

Jungkook close the gap, placing both hands on your hips, pulling you close to him. "So... do you finally like me now?" he asks, referring to your rejection 15 years ago.

"Hmmm. I dont know. I havent seen you in 15 years. I need a little convincing,"

"I hope you are ready to be convinced," he whispered before pulling you in for a kiss. A slow sweet kiss that melted all of your insides. You havent seen him for 15 years, you dont even know if you two are really compatible with each other, but as he broke the kiss and looks you deep in the eyes, you know you are willing to give this doe eyed boy a chance.

Nine years later

"Why do I always have to hear news about you from the articles? You are my best friend, right? Am I not your favorite hyung?" Taehyung growled from the other line.

"What are you talking about now?" Jungkook whined. "Its too early hyung,"

"Here's today headline Jeon. Let me so kindly read it to you. 'BTS' Jungkook and wife are expecting!'. I'm going to be an uncle and you didnt tell me!?"

Jungkook rubbed his eyes, still trying to process what Taehyung is saying as he lovingly smile at your sleeping form beside him. Nine years and he still can never get enough of you.His eyes shot open, now wide as saucers as it suddenly dawned to him what Taehyung had just said.

"Wait hyung, what did you just say?"

#bts #bts jungkook #bts fanfic #bts scenario #bts fiction #jeon jungkook #jungkook #jungkook scenario #jungkook fluff #kpop #kpop scenario #kpop fanfiction

[naptis-lucis-caelum]

HAPPY 420 (Noctis x Reader)

welllll it’s officially 420 and I’m stoned so might as well right? based on this photo of Noct, Iggy, and Prompto getting high as fuck floating around, posted by his-shining-tears, and the source says Twitter but the link just goes to the homepage. if anybody knows the original source, kindly send it to my inbox please! idk why it got fluffy in the end, but yall know me i’m a thirsty Noctis hoe and will do just about anything to write about him lmao. AANNNNDDD ENJOY 

p.s. I know they’re in a tent in the photo but wtv

Rating: SFW

Pairing(s): Noctis Lucis Caelum/Reader

Fandom: Final Fantasy XV

Warning(s): Drugs, swearing

Plot Summary: The guys invite you to celebrate the mystical stoner holiday of 4/20 with a little help from Gladio’s not-so-secret stash.

Words: 2,143

As soon as you finished your last lecture for the day, your phone began to vibrate violently in your pocket.

New Message from CHOCOBO BUTT HEAD:

WRU????

“Oh, for the love of–” you hurriedly scrolled down in order to hide that extremely compromising photo of the Crown Prince and his Crownsguard. 

You lowered the brightness of your screen and scrolled back up again, pinching the screen and zooming on their faces. The only thing that gave Prompto’s current state of mind away was the redness in his eyes; Iggy was clearly stoned, with his eyes almost invisible; while Noct’s cheeky grin-and-thumbs-up combination made your heart flutter a little bit. Leaving the classroom, you replied,

omfg whose stash are u smoking?

CHOCOBO BUTT HEAD: irrelevant question

You knew for a fact that Ignis had grabbed Prompto’s phone to send that reply himself. 

CHOCOBO BUTT HEAD: u didnt answer the question

i just finished class

CHOCOBO BUTT HEAD: k cool were at the apartment

The sender’s disregard for mentioning whose apartment they were in specifically only meant that the person currently holding Prompto’s phone was none other than the owner of the apartment himself, Noctis.

...is that an invitation or

CHOCOBO BUTT HEAD: obvs

CHOCOBO BUTT HEAD: hurry

CHOCOBO BUTT HEAD: AND BRING FOOD

With two paper bags filled with chips, candy, and Ebony, you stepped off the elevator and entered the hallway. You could already smell the dank from there, hearing laughter faintly echoing the corridor. The noise gradually got louder as made your way to the apartment, confirming that they were indeed the laughter of your friends.

After a bit of struggling, you finally managed to ring the doorbell. Obvious shuffling from the other side of the door moved closer to you until a blondie opened the door.

“She’s here!” Prompto yelled out. He looked back at you and noticed the bags you were carrying, taking them off your hands and adding, “And she bought the food, guys!”

You closed the door behind you and followed Prompto into the living room. On the floor sat the other two who appeared in the photo; they were missing an additional person. You stared at each of their obviously stoned faces one by one, adding two and two together until it hit you.

“So,” you grinned, joining their circle and taking the space between Noctis and Ignis. “Does Gladio know you’re smoking his weed?”

Noct chuckled lazily, “Nope, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Ignis passed you a freshly rolled joint and a lighter. “Spark it?” he offered with a sluggish smile.

“Why thank you, Iggy.”

You took the joint and placed the filter between your lips, leaning forward as Ignis sparked the lighter. You took a puff, then another, and one more until the burn looked even from your end. A deep exhale with a cloud of smoke escaped your lips, adding to the already low visibility of the room. Psychedelic rock music softly blasted from Noct’s speakers on the table as you passed it over to Prompto who was busy digging in.

He grabbed the joint and took a sip of water. “You guys know what,” he inhaled sharply. “I love eating.”

Prompto took another puff, holding it in for a couple seconds before releasing completely. He passed it to Iggy who just opened a can of Ebony. Careful, he took a quick sip from his fountain of youth and followed it with a deep inhale of his perfect roll.

“And I love Ebony.”

The Prince happily accepted Iggy’s joint offer, moving forward to grab it before leaning back on the couch. He stretched out his right leg and fixed his left knee up. 

Giggling, he took his first drag of the new joint. “And I love–” He turned to you for a second then quickly looked away, shaking his head. “Lucis!” he quickly finished, exhaling the smoke.

“You always get nationalistic when you’re high,” you pointed out, erupting in laughter with Prompto and Iggy. 

Noct joined in and ran a hand through his midnight hair, “It’s because I think the past Kings of Lucis try to speak to me when I’m stoned!”

The roaring got louder with his comment and the joint started another cycle. You took it from Noct and passed it on to Prompto who kept it between his thumb and index fingers. 

“Do you guys think the past Kings see us right now?” he asked.

“If they did,” Noct said. “I just wanna say sorry to my great-great-great-grandfather’s grandfather,” he finished off.

Next thing you knew, Noct was already handing the joint to you. Has it been that long already? Or did I space out? Wow, this is some pretty good shit.

Your eyes began to droop, but from the corner of your eye, you could see the Prince watching you take a hit. Unsure of whether it was the weed or just you, you started to become more conscious of your actions as you handed the half-joint over to the marksman. Prompto let it hang on the corner of his lips for a few moments, fixing the snacks you had bought on the table in the middle of your circle.

“... I’m fairly certain His Majesty’s done his fair share of rule breaking,” Ignis chimed in, snapping you back into reality.

Okay, you were transcending your current realm. 

You shook your head to look at the three men chatting away. You must’ve been quiet for a while now, considering the fact that you weren’t entirely sure what they were on about.

“King Regis toking? Fuck me, that’d make for one hell of a cover!” Noct exclaimed as he entered a fit of laughter. 

Slowly, Iggy exhaled once more and a cloud of smoke appeared above your heads. He tapped Noct’s arm and showed him the remaining of the joint, prompting him to calm down a little bit so he could take his hit.

“Your old man? A stoner?” Prompto reiterated with his thumb under his chin. “I could so picture it, dude!”

“And as it turns out, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” Ignis teased.

“Get off my dick, Iggy,” Noct joked in response, making all of you laugh this time. “And stop trying to sneak vegetables in my food all the damn time. If you like them so much, just eat it yourself!” He puffed out and stretched his arm out to you. “You should roach this,” he suggested with a faint smile quirking up his lips. 

“Nah, go ahead,” you offered back. “You’re already holding it.”

“But you just got here!” he retorted, moving his arm up and down to add emphasis to the burning joint. “Those in favor, say I.”

“I!” Prompto and Iggy voted together, raising their right hands in support.

You shrugged, “If you insist.”

You roached what was left of the roll, then killed it on the ashtray on the table. The moment you leaned back on the couch, you felt a tap on your arm and saw Noctis doing the exact same thing he was doing just now.

“Wait, what the fuck?” you said out loud, looking over at the filter of the last joint on the ashtray, then back at the joint Noctis was holding. “Didn’t I just kill one?”

“Dude, that was ages ago,” Prompto answered you as his right hand dove inside a bag of chips.

“No way,” you replied in disbelief. 

On your left, Noct refrained himself from chuckling, in turn making Iggy chuckle too. The two of them looked at each other and, unable to control themselves, burst into a mixture of heavy wheezing and loud ha-has.

Your eyes switched from studying Noct and Iggy’s face, bouncing back and forth as you watched them either slap their thigh or clap their hands. The Prince favored the thigh slap more, while the Royal Advisor preferred to clap his leathered hands.

“Ah, you’re so fucking cute when you’re stoned,” Noct blurted out, turning his head to face your blush-mantled cheeks. 

You rolled your eyes in a response but you could feel the heat on your face rising. Mockingly, you grabbed the not-so-new joint from his fingers and inhaled. “I swear,” you held your breath. “I just roached the other one.”

“If you did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, now would we?” Prompto fired back as he pulled his hand out to take the joint. 

You paused, “But we were having a totally different conversation before this.”

“Indeed,” Iggy nodded. “Prompto and I best be going.”

“Huh?” you responded. “I just got here, Iggy! Come on, stay a while longer?”

“Just got here?” a voice from below you asked.

You looked down and found Noct’s head resting on your lap, his glassy blue eyes looking straight into yours. Once you began to feel the physicality of your body, you found your right hand unconsciously combing through his hair. When did he lie down?

“Yeah, didn’t we just...?” You pointed over at the overflowing ashtray on the table, spotting the countless filters resting on top of each other. The food was completely devoured, and you realized you actually felt pretty full.

“Holy shit, how stoned are you?” Prompto taunted. “It’s almost midnight and I’m fuckin’ sleepy.”

“Again, you guys don’t have to go,” Noct said. “Just sleep here!”

Iggy and Prompto looked at each other, rolling their eyes at that comment he just made. You stared as the two of them conversed with their eyes, obviously making sure you wouldn’t get the hint. 

“Nah, I’d rather sleep on my own bed,” Prompto declined.

“I share the same sentiments,” Iggy nodded, moving his hand up to adjust his glasses. “By the way, Noct, I’m in no mood to drive so I’ll be leaving the Regalia in your hands.”

“Ha,” Noctis scoffed. “I’m a great driver!”

“I meant to say, ‘don’t fuck it up.’” Ignis bit back. “Goodnight, you two.”

"Later!” Prompto called out.

This left you and Noctis’ head on your thighs all alone. You awkwardly continued to play with the softness of his hair, pretending like this was a normal occurrence in your friendship. He attempted to do the same, lightly grazing the thumb on his right hand over your left knee. 

Finally, he cleared his throat and broke the silence. “I don’t... I don’t think you’re in the condition to drive,” he stated.

“I-I–”

Was he seriously asking you to sleep there?

“I think I’ll be fine,” you nodded.

“Please, I insist!” he maintained. “If anything terrible happened to you...” 

Noct’s voice trailed off but he kept his eyes locked on yours.

You took a deep breath, “Alright. Alright, yeah, sure.”

Okay, he gets it, you’re staying the night. Calm down.

“Cool!” he squeaked, getting up and patting the dust from his cargo pants away. “I’ll... I’ll get the couch ready. You can take my bed,” he generously presented.

“Noct,” you titled your head. “Please, I’ll take the couch. I don’t wanna displace you in your home.”

He scratched the back of his head and aired out a laugh, “It’s no big deal, really!”

Your heart began to beat faster as the seconds passed. Finally, you plucked up the courage and proposed,

“I don’t mind sharing the bed.”

His sea blue eyes grew wide for a moment before he quickly bobbed his head up and down in extreme concurrence. You entered the bedroom behind him, and even though you’ve been in there countless times before, being along with Noctis was pushing your mind into overdrive, your heart into arrest, and your primal want into a need. 

As you settled into bed with him, all cleaned up and still quite blazed, you snuggled up to his side and patted his arm in an upward motion. He looked down at you and grinned, lifting his arm up and allowing you to place your head on his shoulder. Tilting your body sideways, you closed your eyes and rested your hand on his chest. 

It was a relief to know that his heart was beating just as fast as yours.

“Happy 420,” he said randomly, causing you both to giggle.

“Happy 420, Noct.”

He planted what seemed like a long, overdue kiss on your forehead. Maybe the next time you smoke together, the two of you will finally be vocal about how you feel for each other.

#noctis x reader #noctis lucis caelum #ffxv fanfiction #naptis writes #happy 420 #chocobros #prompto argentum #ignis scientia

[fredheads]

Would you do a fic/imagine of the black hood coming back during the election and outing FP and Freds relationship to everyone and the backlash of that? How would the kids take it?

GOD THIS IS LIKE MY #1 DREAM!!!!!!! I would pay someone good money to fic this. I wish someone else would fill this i just want to read it but ok here goes: 

here’s how i see it starting: 1. the black hood outs fred and fp principally by leaking pictures of them doing it up against a wall in cowboy boots but he’s also sure to make a big stink about how fred is a DEVIANT and an ADULTERER and a HOMEWRECKER and is sleeping with a GANG MEMBER and IS THIS WHO YOU WANT FOR MAYOR, leaving notes about it and shattering fred’s reputation. he’d built his whole platform on being this selfless, squeaky-clean, all american father and now it’s all gone south. 2. the black hood’s outing them as a couple, but he’s also kind of just outing them period point blank. fp’s never come out as bi to anyone but fred and maybe gladys. fred’s out to people who know him but he definitely doesn’t broadcast it: it’s a small town and it’s in his best interest to keep it hushed up - but most of all, it’s in archie’s best interest. he’s been terrified all his son’s life of people making fun of archie if they got wind that his dad was bi and he wants archie to have every opportunity and not to be mocked or made to feel ashamed. he’s had the conversation with archie, but they don’t make a lot of space for it in their relationship and he’s scared of archie being ashamed of him somehow - he knows archie has gay friends but he also knows it’s different when its someone you love. they've never talked about it a lot and to have this dragged out in front of his son as well as everyone else before he was prepared for it hurts in ways he can’t describe. 3. shame. fred’s not ashamed of who he is and he’s definitely not ashamed of who he loves (fp whole jones) but the fact that everyone in town including his son has seen these pictures of them going at it and the fact that this whole thing was preventable if he could have just kept it in his pants is a big source of shame for him especially because this is hurting fp and archie and even mary indirectly, even if she claims she doesn’t care what people say about her. these are the people he cares about most in the world and he’s ashamed to have let them down. plus everyone’s going out of their way to remind him this is a shameful thing for a mayoral candidate to be doing and he’s absolutely drowning in it. 4. there’s backlash, both homophobic and also because of the north/southside gang thing. and people in small towns are not afraid of crossing any lines. fred gets shit spray painted on his garage, on his driveway, his workplace. his car is vandalized, his house is vandalized, people make out flyers and pass them out on the streets claiming he’s a danger to children / telling people not to vote for him. they’re stapled to lightposts and stuffed in his mail box. he’s not allowed to coach little league anymore. people don’t smile at him on the streets. everyone’s asking him when he became a serpent, but the serpents don’t want him as one of their own either because of the northside baggage and the potential for trouble he brings. 5. fred keeps his head up through all of that, but then archie takes it badly and that’s what has him crying himself to sleep every night over it. archie's embarassed and he's angry and he doesn't want to come home for dinner anymore and he won't look his dad in the eye when he tries to explain and his vendetta against the northside just gets stronger. he's convinced this is fp's fault and hiram's telling him all these nice sounding things that make him feel better so his support of hiram only gets stronger and he has nothing but disdain for his dad. he's embarassed and he doesn't know how to react. fp tries to talk to archie but he won't listen. eventually he has a character arc where they reconcile and it plays out with lots of hugs and tears but it takes awhile to get there. 6. the parents!! hal feels awkward about the whole thing and isn't sure how to approach it, he just keeps his head down and keeps supporting hiram's campaign and avoiding fred's eyes when they're in public. alice wouldn't wish what fred is going through on her worst pta enemy and actually does a 180 and starts supporting the shit out of him and yelling at everyone who she sees treating him badly. she tries to keep fred's morale up but it doesn't work very much. she buffs up her investigative skills and redoubles her efforts to catch the black hood with her bare hands. fred doesn't tell mary for a long time but rumours get back to her and then she's livid. mary tells fred to pack up archie and move to chicago with her. he declines and goes back to covering up the words serpent slut on his front door. hermione feels a slight twinge of sympathy, but ultimate it's just helping her campaign so she lets it happen. hiram loves the chaos and figures it's fred's own fault for having sex somewhere he could be seen by a camera. he has no remorse. sierra tries to be supportive. she had no idea fred and fp had been seeing each other since high school. she tries to give fred some PR 101 and seriously thinks he should avoid fp and the southside until it all blows over but fred won't listen. he refuses to deny anything or to avoid fp and sierra thinks he's working up to a PR nightmare but there's nothing she can do if he's refusing help. she complains about it to tom who feels really awkward about the whole thing. he didn't really know fred wasn't straight & as much as he does what he can when people are passing out flyers and breaking fred's windows, he's kind of at a loss for what to do. he wishes it had never happened and he's not willing for awhile to risk his own reputation to defend fred. finally he takes a good long look at his son and how bad it is for fred and remembers fp and fred as they were in high school  and he steps right up to let fred know he has his back and its really great. 7. the kids!! jughead knew for a long time fp was pining over fred but he didn't realize they were having secret hookups. he feels bad for them both and probably writes a lengthy op-ed that the blue and gold refuses to publish. betty didnt even know fred or fp were gay and is SHOOK but is ultimately on fred's side, even if she thinks he's irresponsible for letting it happen. veronica hates that her parents are capitalizing on this and wants to be behind fred 100% offering support, but her parents are pressuring her to keep her head down. moose wants to cry about the whole thing. fred doesn't deserve it but he has to act disgusted in front of his parents. josie knows what it's like to be treated like dirt because of your positionality in life and has her cat claws fully out for anyone who talks badly about fred. same with valerie and melody and the band is back together because i say so. reggie is a surprise - everyone's expecting him to be a homophobic jock about it but he's actually defending fred -while still making it clear that he'd NEVER take a dick up his butt!!- but hey, fred doesn't deserve to be shit on, there are bigger problems. he's still voting for fred. kevin also had no idea fred was gay and is kind of thrown for a loop about it. sure, yeah, he supports him, but did fred have to make it so easy for himself? kevin's been doing fine for years - almost being murdered in fox forest, but doing fine!!! - and it kind of rubs him the wrong way. everyone's expecting him to be really vocal but in his head fred kinda deserved it. kevin has some inherent biphobia to work through and he sees fred as marginally more privileged than himself and he wishes he wouldn't make such a big stink about it. none of this was happening when everyone knew he was gay. he's also just frustrated at the culture of the town - all this shit thrown at fred is a reminder of homophobic the town actually is and what they're capable of.  plus, everyone's acting like they've never heard of a gay person before and it irks him to no end. when he sees archie treating his dad like shit, though, he steps in fast as hell to oppose him. eventually he reconciles all his kinda problematic attitudes and then he's behind fred 100% supporting him.thank you for asking this!! please add on in the replies if you want!! 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i need to do some writing today.

here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source. 

and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through. 

i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes? 

47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed. 

so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free. 

bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”

i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death. 

so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things. 

but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.

and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass. 

the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?

on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.

but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also. 

he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.

the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space. 

i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck. 

last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.  

i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him. 

he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.

and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay. 

he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over. 

he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him. 

this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes,  i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended.  i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast. 

i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please. 

i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?

he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better. 

this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all. 

so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”. 

i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of  man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”. 

i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying. 

but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck. 

but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?

and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job. 

so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development? 

i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different. 

outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others? 

the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit. 

but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty. 

if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”. 

i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone. 

so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room.  i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move? 

if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever. 

i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry. 

i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now.