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noxtivagus · 1 year

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the 1975 hdlfkahdfklasdd

#🌙.rambles #i really want to go to their concert here so bad n apollo n i were fine w gen ad but #first day is mostly sold out na n then 2nd day the cheapest one is just yeah n #it's weird rn our statuses in discord were abt the concert n now for like quite a while w some friends #i don't know how to say it help #i am Really bad with asking others for stuff. unless they actually genuinely rlly want to do something for me then i'll #really be. super shy about it. i can give so easily but receiving is so much more difficult #it's nice talking w my friends like this again tho since we don't super talk much but #realizing i am unintentionally funny fr one of my friends ended up asking what 'otp' is bcs our convo went to like earning money n #taking comms for writing LMFAO SO #'one totalitarian pair' i said 😭 & then 'one-time password bcs [k-pop idol my friend wanted a fic with] is the key to [friend's] heart'#THAT WAS FUNNY HFLASDJAFSLKDF NT HEN OTHER STUFF TOO N #i just really want to go. listening to their music n watching stuff on yt or wtvr has rlly touched me honestly #I RLLY WANT TO GO ARGHHH.......#but the timing is 🥹 WE STILL HAVE SCHOOL ON THE 4th n then #our parents wldn't allow us to go ofc w/o an adult but if it'll be w the 1975 that'll be so funny yk 💀#N THEN THE SEATS LEFT..... IM NERVOUS IT'LL RUN OUT #rush against time n #aaaaaa ;;;;;#none of our friends listen to the 1975 so that's also like. lacking in interest thing idk #IM JUST RLLY NOT SURE AT ALL W ALL THIS BUT I WANT TO GO SO #nah we'll find a way n wtvr the outcome i'll be satisfied with it yk?#oh the thing is tho if we do go my phone camera is broken oh no r ppl allowed to bring cameras or smth or idk #BUT NAH FOCUS ON WHATS IN FRONT OF ME FIRST #YEAH.

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inkskinned · 9 months

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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

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uncanny-tranny · 6 months

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Basically, my philosophy around disability fakers is: I would rather a thousand people fake a disability than have one disabled person suffer without care, aids, compassion, or any help.

#disability #disability advocacy #and there's a difference not many people seem to recognize between faking and realizing you don't have [x] problem...#...such as realizing you don't have [x] disorder because it is instead [y] disorder...#...or you haven't completely understood your care needs/your symptoms/what helps you...#...and some people see ANY change in your understanding of your disability as proof of maliciously faking...#...when i suppose in my personal experience people don't *maliciously* fake disability...#...i'm not saying it could never happen but that i don't think it's the *only* thing motivating people called fakers #i just think (like most everything) this is complex and nuanced because it's a *human* experience #like for me personally i /know/ i still have a lot to learn about my disabilities...#...like... i realized recently that my hands shouldn't be in AGONY when warm water is ran over them when it's SLIGHTLY cold inside or out...#...and i realized that i likely have a Noticable limb difference that needs checking out. does this sound like i'm faking...#...or that maybe i just didn't really explore my own needs and body because of a variety of factors?#i can assure you it is because i haven't really thought before about how i deserved to understand how to best help myself

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egophiliac · 2 months

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CROWLEY SSR THOUGHTS

there is zero basis for this, but I can't get this thought of my head

I don't know why I decided to draw it this way

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #(these will be relevant in a moment)#this isn't going to happen. but WHAT IF.#anyway i didn't get him (damnit birdman come home) so i had to look up his story #and let me tell you friends my findings were SHOCKING #crowley canonically likes vegetables which means that the crowley is revaan theory = BUSTED #crowley is sailor venus = CONFIRMED #(i know 'whip of love' is a saying but that's where my mind always goes)#DISCLAIMER: this is (mostly) a joke please continue to hold whatever theories and headcanons you want #but look. c'mon. look over here at this whiteboard i've covered in red yarn.#revaan being a picky eater has come up multiple times and there is an entire whole bit about how much he hated jerky and refused to eat it #and now they've made a point of talking about how crowley will eat almost anything and loOoOoves wild game meat especially #it's SO stupid but i can't help but read way too much into it #(this is tumblr if you don't want to see incredibly stupid overanalysis of anime guys then why are you HERE)#and i gotta hold on to something because otherwise whenever malleus and crowley are onscreen together i just keep going 'same hair color...#unless this is like. some kind of deep cover thing.#lilia doesn't recognize him because he saw him eat a green bean once and revaan would NEVER #crowley's secret is safe for another day #(serious hat on: i do think they're probably connected in some way)#(but there's something deeper going on that we're just not clued into yet that will hopefully explain things)#man forget revaan what if crowley whips off his mask and it turns out he was meleanor this whole time #wait hold on meleanor loves jerky. IT ALL FITS...

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deep-space-lines · 1 month

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okay but like. I just had the weirdest thought about that ‘don’t look I’m naked’ comic. Which is that that’s essentially the same thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the fruit of knowledge of good&evil. So I feel like the theological implications of that could kneecap Gabe if he doesn’t think V1 is a being with free will.

yeah ok. i dunno man. is this anything

((side note. this isn’t necessarily meant to be in-character or story-accurate or take place at any particular point in time, just a way to explore some Thoughts. i was also imagining more that V1’s words aren't actually spoken, more like Gabriel’s more articulate interpretation of whatever garbled mechanical noise V1 is using to communicate. I think an angel could do that.))

and then they fucked nasty the end

#my art #my writing #who fuckin sent this. fuck you. come off anon so i can kick your ass. (the thoughts this ask sparked consumed almost 3 days of my life)#i dont know what this even is #i just work here #disclaimer i don't come from a particularly religious background so like.#most of my knowledge of christianity comes from when my mom sent me to vbs for cheap babysitting in middle school or absorbed via osmosis #so i have no idea what im talking about except for when i do! hope this helps #i love how i say that like i expect biblical scholars to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction #if you are a biblical scholar and you want to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction please know i am not going to read the bible for this #ultrakill #v1 ultrakill #gabriel ultrakill #gabv1el #blood #love tagging ultrakill stuff with blood. hmm yes the floor here is made out of floor

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spllwys · 10 days

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endless ghifs 11/? ⛧ source — "I don't wanna end like this—"

#but the sting in the way you kisss meee #we are back to ghostposting!#i should be working but the fire alarm went off in the library so what can you do #work at home? nahh #lgifs #alltag #eg_series #ghost #the band ghost #papa emeritus iv #nameless ghouls #the source material was soo crusty i am actually thrilled with how these came out all things considered #added a bit of noise which is smth i started doing for s///up//ern- i cant say it #did not do many of those. just made some things for myself then ducked out #forgot about that trick until today #it really helps i recommend #just 1% to kind of hide the grainy smoke background #i don't know what i'm talking about ngl

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genderkoolaid · 2 years

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also in language discourse have y'all heard about people saying that you shouldn't use "lesbophobic" if you aren't a lesbian, because it has the word "lesbo" in it which can be used offensively, so nonlesbians have to use lesbiphobia. because that is truly one of the most intense instances of internet baby gay's first activism. it's flawed in so many ways it's kind of impressive

#m.#I literally saw someone say 'its not called lesboan so why do you say lesbophobia :/'' bestie help they don't know how words work

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flame-shadow · 1 month

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As a commissioner, I love seeing how artists interpret and stylize my characters, but as an artist, I often agonize over if I should try to match the style of the provided reference or lean into my own style.

#flame polls #sometimes people specifically say which style they want which is super helpful #sometimes people don't know which is when i usually stick closer to the reference style. idk if that's for the best tho. like-#im being commissioned because they like how i draw right? so i should draw in the way i usually do? but that doesn't always seem to #be the case idk #i don't wanna bash people for having preferences tho. this isn't meant to be judgemental one way or the other #i was just contemplating how i approach various commissions depending on how the client asks for what they want #and also because im doing some design exploration right now so i'm pushing at certain aspects of my style. makes me think!

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yardsards · 9 months

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do people who have listened to taz balance but not graduation Know that it was HEAVILY IMPLIED that lup and barry eventually adopted a lil sorcerer child who got disowned by his family for his natural necromancy magic, and they taught him how to use his powers for good and were overall great parents that he looks back on fondly

(and said child grew up to be a dimension-hopping lich, caretaker of the dead, and very sweet adoptive father of a major npc)

#eliot posts #taz #the adventure zone #taz balance #taz graduation #lup taaco #barry bluejeans #blupjeans #like they never specifically say ''my parents are barry and lup'' so it's left up to interpretation but #he says he came from another world other than nua (nua is the name of the grad world like faerun is the balance world)#he says both his parents were highly skilled necromancers that ''travelled'' a lot because of their work #he says that inter-planar travel runs in the family #and he likes to bake #also travis apparently said on a livestrean that he got something carved by magnus for his daughter #it's a fun little easter egg for balance enjoyers but kept vague enough where it's like. you don't have to know about balance to enjoy it #anyway tho it's adorable cuz he talks about how much of a positive impact his parents made on him #and how he wanted to emulate them when raising his own daughter #and he's a good dad and his daughter loves him (also she is an absolute delight i love her #and like the only older adult to look at our college-aged protagonists and be like #''yeah it's messed up that you have to deal with all of this you're so young you're the same age as my child i will help however i can''#like balance easter egg aside gordy is one of my fav graduation npcs (behind his daughter rainer who is my fav)

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mrtequilasunset · 6 months

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Highkey so sad to see Kim's character get butchered by people who see Harry as whichever addict wronged them in their life.

#disco elysium #unironically seek help Disco Elysium isn't your revenge story #like treating him like he *wants* to be an addict and *wants* to be the way he is #idk how you can play most of the game in his head and still come out of it thinking he's choosing this on purpose #atp i think you're just stupid sorry #“I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore” means nothing to some people I guess #and also the people who treat Jean like he's better than Harry for not being addict should know that its heavily implied #that jean also uses substances #and also kim shows interest in using speed #so literally none of these characters are any different than harry #saw someone say that “everyone enables harry” as if 99% of the game isn't everyone telling him he's shit garbage for being an addict #assflash newshole everyones addiction gets enabled it came free with your fucking RCM badge

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i-am-just-a-girli · 1 month

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I can forgive my father for all his wrongs against me, if only he had treated my mother differently. It is an echo, of what my mother says, "He may not be a good husband, but he is a good father." How do I tell her that one cannot exist without the other? He will never be a good father. He is not good to my mother.

—Reva

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inkskinned · 3 months

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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big.#the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort.#but it still feels like...#when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing.#they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly?#and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go)#and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW."#''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.''#and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

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gazkamurocho · 2 months

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I recently got into the series (starting with Yakuza 0) and your art is feeding me every minute I’m away from my console not playing the game uwu

Omggg you don't know how happy I got by reading your comment ;;💕 Thank you so much!! Yakuza 0 is one of the best gaming experiences out there and I hope it hooks you to play the entire series! Enjoy every second of your journey because it's gonna be a blast ❤

#it's not a stretch to say that this game and the series changed my life for the better lol #not just artistically but as a human being as well (I'm serious)#I will never be able to fully express my love for this franchise and how much it helped me dfdsjklsf #I don't know man I just love Yakuza ;;❤#ask #tumblr ask #kiryu kazuma #majima goro #kazumaji #yakuza #y0 majima #y0 kiryu

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mewtwo24 · 4 months

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I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.

Turns out that was a perilous mistake.

Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me

What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:

LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"

The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--

How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls

And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:

Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.

Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)

Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:

Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me

Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:

I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.

And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...

I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.

How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.

Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.