#i dont want to fail. im so terrified of failing again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mooncheese3 · 1 month

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DISCLAIMER: this version is different from the prev post on this au (vvv) in that this is the only incarnation of sj that ghost!yqy has encountered, and bingges dont keep popping up for a shizun. but yqy still goes down the simon petrikov route of self sacrifice for loved one(s)

ok so ghost!yqy in the modern world with reincarnated!sj

So. after pidw. yqy's physical body didnt survive, but his spirit Did. he failed sj so many times already, he's not going to fail him again, and through sheer determination and love and want he put himself back together (as hed always done)

him fixing himself wasnt really bc of his rational mind. if anything it was a glutteral, instinctual Need that really pushed him to mold himself into a being all over again. however bc his spirit is binded with xuansu's, on top of his spirit almost disappearing bc of how much scattered, bringing the pieces of himself together took a LOT of time

by the time he took form, sqq was long dead

not sure if he shouldve been the one to end lbg, but itd be kind of cool if that was the case

and so yqy, whose entire purpose is to protect sj, roams the world looking for his reincarnation

in the background apocalyptic shit happens that leads the world to abandon and/or forget about cultivation, which leads us to the modern world!!🥳

sj still has a hard-knock life on the streets and then with the qius--can u tell im a sucker for the history repeats itself trope. he doesnt remember anything, but he Does feel like someone is missing. like someone that Should be there Isnt. its a constant feeling in the back of his mind, but he always pushed it away to focus on the now.

like what happened in his first life, sj has enough of all the abuse and kills qjl. what Changes though is that yqy is finally--after thousands and hundreds of years--on time

yqy burns everything down.

sj isnt sure what to make of this malevolent being. no one else but him can see it, though people /can/ see when it moves things around. people have always mentioned to sj that they feel like someone's watching them, though when they look around no one is looking their way

it makes people leave him alone, which is honestly what sj prefers

its (he's?) his savior and he makes him feel safe, yes, but who knows when that wrath gets directed at himself. his head is screaming at the threat yqy poses while his instinct and soul tells him hes safest with yqy. for a long time sj walks on eggshells around yqy, sometimes trying to escape his presence

his attempts always fail, though. somehow.

he eventually starts to warm up to yqy. sj has a feeling that this...thing was always meant to be by his side (as illogical as that sounds). he no longer has that feeling of a missing presence, something he'd felt since he'd developed a consciousness as a very young child

sj even finds the ghost a bit endearing, in his infinite gentleness to contrast his terrifying, sharp form. he doesnt understand why the ghost is so protective over him (the ghost once almost flew into a destructive frenzy over everything except him when he and his team went to investigate a deep, unexplored ravine that appeared out of nowhere), but that was endearing too

— RAMBLES BC I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GONNA TYPE NEXT (ITS BEEN A FEW MONTHS SORRY) —

one day sj got tired of calling the ghost “the ghost”, so he decided to find him a name. the ghost seems to have an opinion on this, as his thick eyebrows turned downwards every time sj called/proposed to him a name to be referred to. the progress was non existent, so sj started spouting out random characters and then later on numbers. when sj gets to “qi”, the ghost very excitedly straightens up from its seemingly perpetual hunched posture.

“7?” sj snorts, finding it a little funny. who knows, perhaps spirits loose their marbles the longer they stay amongst the living. he watches “qi’s” eyes crease into happy crescents, the shadows seeping away from his form retreating back into himself. his form looks more solid: less blurry and more clearer at the edges.

“lao qi, you really are weird” sj says fondly, though is inwardly confused when lao qi seems to deflate a little. perhaps he didnt want to be reminded of his age?

"what, do you want to be called xiao qi?" qi's eyes twitch, as if weirded out. "thought so. qige?"

at this, qi's eyes widen into two happy suns, joyfully—on instinct—coming closer. but then stops himself a pace away, as if remembering himself

sj raises a brow, "youre far too old to be called qige; im many generations your junior, yknow? youre basically my grandfather's ancestor's ancestor"

qi's eyes droop into despondent half circles. sj carefully doesnt say any more, recognizing that it may be a more sensitive topic than he thought.

SORRY YUE QI </3333 BUT </333 ... ITS FOR THE GREATER GOOD

THAT I AM GOING TO EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW, BUT NOT VERY WELL DONE:

in canon, sqq and yqy are stuck in the past. it keeps them from growing as persons and as. brothers? friends? Potential Lovers. Yes.

in this au, it is especially so for yqy, who loses himself the more he clings to the past, his promise, and sj

when he first died, his soul was at risk of being destroyed, scattered pieces and all. but because he put himself back together, he Could reincarnate into his next life. its just that he refuses to.

had he allowed himself to move on and accept that things have passed, he would have been able to start over anew in the modern world; perhaps even changed the course fate seems to have set on them for the better Without his soul suffering for it

sj reminding him that hes from an era long gone serves as one of many instances that help him come to terms with. dying? moving on. Yes.

ON THE TOPIC OF YQY'S SOUL MOVING ON.

i was thinking just now How that would happen, esp when in this au yqy's soul is like. one wrong move away from self destruction, xuan su's still binded to him, yqy letting go of sj after roaming All Those Years? Very hard., its the modern world so supernatural cultuvation stuff is almost entirely out of the picture, sj is like 25 what would he know about these things, etcetc that sort of stuff

but then i was like. "WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS AIRPLANES WORLD. TRUE LOVE IS TOTALLY A VIABLE SOLUTION"

so. True love is the solution. true love saves qige💗

and then in their next life its the ultra ultra modern futuristic au and theyre pilots of mega robots 💗 /hj

OH. AND. THIS IS THE SONG I GOT THE DIALOGUE (???) FROM

youtube

#qijiu #malevolent spirit!yqy #ghost!yqy #but he puts the love in malevolent #yue qingyuan #yue qi #original shen qingqiu #shen jiu #mxtx #svsss

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aventurinemylove · 9 months

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FIRST TIME REQUESTING! So I have no clue if you're okay with what I'm ganna ask?

May I ask for a angst to fluff. (Only if you're okay with both in the request! unless you want it to be full angst) Like where reader/ y/n is near death (again only if your okay with it) wiith Dazai and Chuuya. (If you wish to add another one that's your choice!) It can be either a headcanon or short fic. Whichever one your more confterble with!

(Ps I love your smau au!)

Have a nice day/night/afternoon (it's 3:10 a.m for me 💀) but anyways if you can't accept my request I understand! But take care of yourself. ♡

A/n- OMG YOU DONT KNOW HOW FAST I GOT UP AND STARTED WRITING TYSM FOR THE REQ OMG AND IM GLAD YOU LIKE THE SMAU😭🫶

Close call

Dazai x reader and chuuya x reader (separate)

Genre-angst and fluff

Warnings- heavy topics, torture, blood, mori…

Songs to listen-skyfall adele,I bet on losing dogs mitski,francis forever mitski

Osamu Dazai

You were sent on a mission by yourself by Fukuzawa to gather information on a rival organization. You knew the risks of this but you were willing to risk it To give the Ada any type of advantage. Before your mission dazai told you to be more cautious about everyone and everything, he had a pitiful feeling in his stomach..the same feeling when he lost his dear friend, which left him wondering if his past finally catching up to him?

Ever since you left the feeling only got worse and worse, he couldn’t take it anymore it was eating him alive he felt a sense of guilt, and for the first time in year, he felt fear..? Something might have happens to you..days without contact or even texts all his texts were delivered you never left him on delivered. He couldn't take it anymore and decided he will look for you himself.

Meanwhile, you haven't texted Dazai due to leaving your work phone at the ADA in order to not cause any suspicion between you and your new boss however you couldn't stay like this forever he saw you rummaging through classified files which ended up with you having to reveal your identity causing you to fight. What surprised you was the ambush from behind which ended up with u getting stabbed in the chest and losing conscious.

Once he got there he was late...your body on the ground bleeding profusely, he couldn't believe it he failed you. The person he vowed to serve and protect you only to fail you. His heart aches at seeing you so motionless so still. He couldn't even form a word he couldn't even stand on his feet. “You're not gone [name] right..” his voice filled with sorrow and disbelief. If only he came earlier..he could've prevented this he wouldn’t have lost you.

He ran to your body and held it..for the first time in years he couldn’t mask his emotions how could he..you were special to him the only one keeping on this ground, but now that your gone he has no will to live no reason to be here. “[name] I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, you didn’t deserve this awful fate my love..I’m sorry”. You were still conscious you heard everything how u you wish you can tell him “everything’s going to be okay” but honestly not even you knew if your going to make it”

Dazai held u so close running towards the nearest hospital he could find without any second thought begging every doctor to treat you before it was to late. He didn’t leave your side the whole time you were unconscious, atsushi brought Dazai food and made sure to give him company and any ounce of hope he had.

It was almost a month since that event you haven’t woken up not even once…this left Dazai terrified he only thought of the worst outcome. Though before u hit one month of being unconscious you woke up, every emotion hitting you but the one hitting you the most was shock and fear. You couldn't believe you were alive, and you also wondered who brought you to the hospital but soon realization and memories hit you. Dazai found you laying unconscious, you couldn't help but have guilt. Your poor husband finding you unconscious and unresponsive was a horror to think about.

You were so deep in thought you didn't notice Dazai practically tugging you into a hug crying his eyes out on your shoulder. [name] my love I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you, I'm sorry I failed you I was so scared, I was so scared of you leaving me like everyone” he said between broken sobs. “Dazai dear I'm sorry for being so careless I really should've seen it coming” you say through your tears.

To say the least, dazai is happy you're alive and that's all that matters to him.

Nakahara Chuuya

You and Gin were sent on a mission personally requested by Mori, which was odd since usually, he would have you take missions with Chuuya since he had his suspicions here and there. You always found your boss “odd” he always figured out things even he was told which was a scary thought.

On the mission, you were told to play a fair person and your objective was to woe the victim over and that's when Gin strikes. Though it was easier said than done, during the night you felt like something was coming for you or that you were being watched but you pushed your thoughts away for the sake of the mission. You found something quite odd about your victim he looks like a former mafia member though you've never seen him, you feel like his name was mentioned somewhere.

Fortunately, before the night ended you got the victim to think that you were an innocent person trying to get help from him for your company on how to grow it etc. But he knew you were from the mafia he had his eyes on you ever since you stepped in, he knew Mori would send an executive to assassinate him during this party. You had a feeling that your facade was seen through like clear glass, which made the gut feeling start to tell you “leave” or “go home” but you knew being in the mafia your life was always on risk.

Chuuya on the other hand was sweating and shaking something was telling him to watch over you that night, he had a feeling Mori had some plan since usually he would send him with you and no one else. So while you and Gin were on your way to the party he followed you guys but decided to stay hidden until he felt he was needed.

You were unexpectedly brought a handkerchief to your mouth making you pass out. Otherwise, Gin was concerned about what could have happened to you, you weren't giving her any sign to strike..unless the struck first which had her panicking since she also didn't see the host anywhere. She Knew something was wrong, so through her headset she let everyone know “Code red, our executive is missing”. Just hearing this made Chuuya jump and head to the party area before he knew it, he was frantically searching for you everywhere in the area but had no luck he couldn't find you and this made him more frustrated he couldn't believe he took his eyes off you for a bit and you were MISSING.

It was days maybe 3 days since the incident they had you tied to a chair with handcuffs tied to both hands making it impossible to use your ability. You were so beat up all these days tortured just for some information you didn't have. “Now where is that supply box” he spoke, another hit towards your ribs but you stayed silent. “OH SO WE ARE GONNA PLAY THE SILENT GAME ARE WE?!” he says but before you were hit again the doors of the area were crushed open before you knew it Gin ran to you and untied you, and carried you to the truck where they already had a medical professional on board.

Meanwhile, chuuya made sure this man was dead and he made sure that he paid for what he did to you. Chuuya had rage in him, the state he found you in made me sick and sad, how could this asshole do this to you. After his job was chuuya got back to the truck where the doctor talked to him. “Sir they will be unconscious for a few days maybe a few hours if lucky but they had a few broken ribs and a few bruises to the head”. He couldn't believe what he heard, he felt the rage he had earlier come back to him, but he kept his composer just nodded to the doctor.

He was now facing you he felt his heart shatter to 100 pieces the pain and guilt he felt was eating him alive. “If only I got there earlier” or “I should've taken the mission but compared to other missions this was one of the least dangerous. He knelt near your bed while holding your hand slowly letting the tears down.

After 3 days you finally open your eyes looking around the unfamiliar room it looked nothing like the mafia hospital room which relieved you, you didn't have to deal with mori and his annoying overbearing antics, how u hated him and wanted someone to take his spot.

While lost in thought u turn to see flowers and a note on the bedside, you grabbed them smiling to yourself already knowing who it was. As you looked at the flowers you open the note slightly smiling as you read. “My dearest [name] I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you as I vowed to you I will, so after you feel better let me take you out to eat, sincerely yours Chuuya Nakahara” but before you finished you saw the end “ps I’ll visit you later I'm on a mission right now”. You never knew how you got lucky with such a man but honestly, it did take you guys a while to be where you are at right now.

Later…

You were sitting down reading a book when you heard the hospital door bust open, at first you thought it was an enemy attack but you were relieved to see Chuuya at the door with a little box at hand. “My love” you heard Chuuya speak “I got you this,” he says as he gives you the box. You were shocked, to be honest, you weren't expecting anything so when u recognized the jewelry box you began to cheer up. “Thank you dear you didn't have to,” you say smiling at him while opening the box, to your surprise there was a gorgeous necklace that you'd been wanting for a while but couldn't get your hands on it, so it was surprising to see Chuuya get ahold of such an item.

You felt your eyes start to tear up as you pulled Chuuya into a tight hug and whispered “Thank you my love I couldn't ask for someone more amazing than you”. Chuuya was surprised by your sudden action but didn't complain at all. “My love I'm sorry for not being there on time,” Chuuya said his voice cracking “If maybe I was there earlier this could've been avoided”. “Chuuya it's ok, I'm fine I'm here with you look on the bright side at least we got him” you say softly.

Chuuya knew you were right, he was just happy you were alive and with him still.

#bsd x reader #dazai osamu #dazai osamu x reader #chuuyabsd #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara #chuuya nakahara x reader

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chronicpain-itsastruggle · 1 month

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Third surgery of the year went rocky yesterday. I have cried a lot in the last 48 hours. My mom and husband came with me and my mom was able to stay with all the way up to laying down for surgery bc babe had a therapy appointment i wanted him to go to and he agreed. My nurse was so nice and sweet but she tried and failed once to get my IV in. Then the anesthesiologist came in and was a very quiet man. And he sat and picked and prodded at my right hand for about 30 minutes. He tried twice with a lidocaine shot each time before he finally got an iv placed on the inside of my right wrist the third try, also with a lidocaine shot first. I sobbed the whole time. I barely remember walking to the surgery room and laying on the table. Then i woke up holding my moms hand so confused and then in 10/10 pain in my left arm where they took more of my arm out. I screamed and sobbed in pain. I asked Mom “where is Tyler?? Where is babe?!” I didnt even open my eyes i was crying in so much pain. My mom told me they couldnt reach him and i sobbed even harder, terrified. Tyler walked in abt 3 minutes later. His phone wasnt getting calls and he literally sped from home when he saw the voicemail notification. They held my hands as the nurses pushed a bit more pain and anxiety meds and i sobbed in pain. It took a while to get me to Tyler’s truck. I puked twice before i got home, revisiting the apple juice i had tried right after waking up and coming to. Once home i slept a lot on the couch. In and out of consciousness. Tyler stress cleaned our kitchen building our new shelf for our pantry and even selling our dog crate we’ve been needing to sell. So he was very productive awesomely while i was in and out of sleepy town.

Our dog Jupiter, his timing impeccable as always, had diarrhea and pukey all night so we were up every twoish hours having Tyler take him outside again and again. I woke up each time but had to stay on the couch. It was a very rough night.

Today has been the day after surgery and the pain has been so severe. I am staying on top of my pain meds. And thankfully i have been able to eat and drink just fine. The pain is just incredible and severe. We had to take the bandage off and clean it tonight and i sobbed thru the whole thing in agony. Tyler was so patient and gentle with me. I was so brave and its rewrapped and I’m back on the couch calming down while i write this. Im exhausted and it hurts and im so glad i gave myself a month before i go back to work because this is going to be a long recovery.

If anyone is so inclined or wants to: my cashapp and venmo is @ earnham and literally anything will help. I am having to spend so much on medical supplies and dont know when my fmla will actually go thru. Im also going to link my amazon wishlist eventually with a bunch of melanoma gear for this summer but that will be closer to my bday in June bc thats what ima be asking for this year, is help with anything on my wishlist.

This isnt the point of the post i rly just needed to vent my past 48 hours. Thanks for reading if u did.

#fuck cancer #fuck melanoma #cancer #melanoma #surgery #cancer surgery #chronic pain #chronically ill #chronic illness #wheelchair #disabled #chronic fatigue #spoonie #actually disabled #cripple punk #invisible illness #cashapp #venmo

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mrpsychokiller · 10 months

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i am literally so. scared. to draw. like i want to draw more stuff but all i can feel is dread a terrifying anxiety of what if i open the canvas and try to draw and i fail. what if i cant do it. what if i dont like anything i draw and i realize i am in an artblock again and i cant get anything done for weeks in a row and all my effort will be in vain. i love love love drawing but by now the whole process is so mind numbingly scary and stressful to me that ive been sitting here for hours avoiding opening the art app because im scared.

#i feel really bad mannnn #🧃

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blueeandyellowmakesgreen · 2 years

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dont mind me im thinking of a moment of similar byler angst from s3 in s5 where will wants to play dnd with mike and the others and is yearning for more time to things go back the way they were, but its reversed.

will being way too focused and stressed on the topic of vecna, trying to see how he can be useful to everyone so he can keep his loved ones safe, using his superspy senses to strategize with el.

mike on the other hand, is not a fan of how will is atm. ok sure hes kind of attractive taking charge and being a hero but no what he didnt like was seeing will constantly stressing himself out and not seeing him laugh or talk about his interests anymore, or the fact will is not confiding in him about things, not anymore. sure, its the end of the world, but seeing will so serious and.. secretive all the time kills him. so he devises a plan for will to stay over his house in the next coming days, but will barely talks, his mind too occupied. will staying up so late trying to devise a plan sleeping over at mike’s house. mike trying to distract him with dnd or games or movies, or try to get him to talk about what he’s going through, but all will could do was nod, or say ‘thats nice, mike’ dismissively. he dodges questions regarding how he felt about the situation. he is clearly putting mike at an arm’s length

and mike finally has enough. mike finally snapping at will and tell him he cant keep being like this or he’ll hurt himself. ‘i thought we agreed we were a team!! why wont you tell me anything, what the hell could i have done to you??’ and he genuinely sounded hurt. will looks like he had an answer but closes his mouth, which mike found more terrifying than any monster they faced. he was doing it again. repressing something. will iust apologizes, says some bullshit on how he’s just ‘trying to keep mike safe’. from what? what could possibly be more dangerous than what theyve faced before?

and it kills mike to know he cant do anything. because, honestly, with how he treated will lately, why would he confide in him? he never sent his letters, and he gave up calling in the fear he’s been replaced. ever since he arrived in cali, all he did was talk about himself and el. he never gave will the time of day. but will despite the rink o mania incident and everything; listened and comforted him without fail. will was so easy to love..and he felt himself too easy to hate.

maybe its too late now to fix things, but mike considers himself too stubborn to simply let go. he was gonna make this right no matter what, even if will ends up hating him. because its mike and will.

it has always been mike and will.

#idk what this is sorry #byler

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royalwriteroftheuniverse · 2 years

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The beginning of the end of Lloyd Lloyd Hanson origin story.

COMMENTS welcome its still a Work in progress. Reblogs are welcome working on a larger peice im thinking it might go this way or maybe another way. So I need feedback

Trigger Warnings 18+ as always just incase there is mention of Lloyd getting aroused once just one sentance violence, kidnapping. Guns being shot and manipulation. No reposting or publishing elsewhere or translating you are responsible for what you read.

-------‐---------------------------‐------

Immediately following the events of The Gray Man

Lloyd stood frozen at the sight he last time he saw her she was...

"Meg but I thought you were-"

"So did I looks like we were both reserected. Happy Easter. We've got work to do" she shoved files in his hand. Not amused at him or the situation.

Lloyd stood there speachless by the only women who could do that to him. Who turned him into....by breaking his heart. Alive breathing and she looked good.

----------------------------------------‐----------

Years ago when Lloyd had begun his training.

Lloyd: copy that you're clear I have eyes you get to-

He felt steal against his head

"Bang"

Lloyd's head dropped

Then the gun lowered "bang"

"You're dead Lloyd What are you doing?" He didn't respond "What. Were. You. Do.Ing."

" I was covering my p-"

" No You were trying to get killed," she held her her hand for the ear peice. "Give it to me.:

He bregrudegedly agreed.

"You need to look out for yourself because trust me no one will be covering your ass in the field. It may be all friendships bracelets and kumbayas now but out there no one care trust me."

She blows a horn two long one and two short signaling a reset on the field.

"Again We start from the top" she emphases to Lloyd

"But"

"I don't care . Just as much as you hate it its boring for me to go over the same stupid simulation point out the the same issues. I mean how many time do I have to fucking say it Lloyd. No one will come for you. No one will rescue you you go on there and your partner will do the same thing you go down they continue. When will you start to fucking trust me on this. It's not boy scouts"

The frustration rose in the chest as she finally fired the gun at three trunks.

Lloyd. Steped back a little.

"Oh yea I dont have a training gun oops she says dryly. " Crushing his earpiece with her bare hand it both terrified Lloyd and turned him on.

She turned her back and walked away and Lloyd caught up and put his hand on her shoulder which she grabbed, twisted and held him securely with his hand behind his back

"Don't do that."

"How do you know?"

"Because"

"I was like you then I spent six fucking months in a terrorist camp in the hills. partner was dead mission failed and HQ knew. They heard. And I waited for my rescue and no one came I got myself out. Then I found out there was no failed exfil there wasn't even an attempt at one. As far as they were concerned I was K.I.A. in an unscantioned operation."

She took a shaky breath

Then through gritted teeth "I am trying to help you here."

She let go and he turned around rubbing her wrist.

"I love you Lloyd. I do. But you're going to get killed out there unless you listen to me. Because he was alive"

"He"

"My partner"

"Alive and fine he didn't even care while he knew I was-"

Her head dropped.

He stepped slowly to her

Then in a caring voice- slowly lifting his hand to her shoulder

"Did they?"

"Don't" she said softly with a tear escaping for her eye.

"I dont want to be going to your funeral Lloyd because I didnt do my job." She sniffled.

He looked her over- this confident badness chuck just gone. Her eyes down. Her shoulders rolled forward slightly

"You won't. I'll listen. I promise you. When were on a mission together."

"If"

She looked at something else on the ground. As he stepped closer

"When because ill pass training. I'll never leave you behind I'd rather be there with you. Than to live without you."

Thier faces were closes her breathes uneven as she then threw her arms around Lloyd's neck

Promise me you won't tell anyone what I just told you. I never told anyone- her breath shaky

"I promise" me wispered in her ear as he rubbed her back.

"Come on" she sniffed "Lets go get another ear peice for you." She went to while her tears off when Lloyd did it for her.

"What did I say about getting too close? "

"It's more fun to see the fear as you kill them. Not that you ass."

They did then things were reset.

Everyone was reset as meg and the other trainers and supervisors sat at the command center

"Well that was evil." One commented

"That was fun" she laughed

"Tears were a nice touch."

"You can send my Oscar to my office."

"And you don't feel the slightest bit of sorrow for him?"

She breathed in slow. "No. " She smiled "he'll thank me one day well not thank me my grave stone. I'm thinking I want one of those infinity flames. But trust me if I needed a heart transplant he'd give me his. Bit of a shame though- might have made someone a good husband." She says with an indifferent look

"Oh yea you look so broken up." A handler rolls thier eyes.

"Hey I train him to be a ruthless killer I've done my penance and I'm back on the field and Meg is dead."

What do you all think

Taglist:

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @sparklybarbarianninja @patzammit @hawkeyes-queen

#avengers #steve rogers #chris evans #chris evans x plus size reader #ransom drysdale #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson x female reader #steve rogers fanfiction #chris evans characters #chris evans comfort #lloyd hansen #lloyd hanson x reader #the gray man #russo brothers #lloyd hansen x reader

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yoonyia · 17 days

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reading enders game again is messing with me again

STOP JUST WRITING ME ORSON SCOTT CARD

GET ME OUT OF YOUR BOOK

LEAVE ME ALONE

STOP SHOWING ME THE EXACT TRAITS THAT I HAD IN THE EXACT TIME FRAMES AS THE CHARACTER

STOP IT

PLEASE

ITS NOT FUNNY

I NEED YOU TO STOP DOING THIS

I SHOULD NOT BE READING THIS BOOK ABOUT CHILD SOILDERS BEING BEATEN UP AND BE LIKE "oh yea I did the exact same thing" NO THIS IS NOT WHAT SHOULD FUCKING HAPPEN

STOP SHOWING ME THE EXACT THOUGHT PATTERNS I FOLLOWED AS A PRETENTIOUS LITTLE BITCH

STOP SHOWING ME THE SAME COPING MECHANISMS AND FEARS AND IMPULSES AND SPIRALS I ALWAYS FELT

STOP IT

the sheer amount of times I had to put the book down because my brain was like "hey you do that too" is going to kill me.

DONT MAKE ME INTO A BOOK CHARACTER MY GOD LET ME BE A PERSON

the scene near the beginning where ender goes like "I was smiling because I found it funny they thought me of all people should represent all these launchies while I'm barely capable of holding myself is so funny, but others will think im smiling with them at their joke" is genuinely something I have constantly thought is pissing me off

and the entire enders thing of seeing peoples faces on things that he's afraid of???? excuse me sir did you just steal one of my most common hallucinations?????? and also the entire peter thing of thinking I'm a horrible violent person that finds joy in killing?????? because no matter what I do I always end up hurting people to the most they can be hurt and I know I meant it, and I hate and am horrified of that side of me that can kill people???? the feeling of wanting to kill someone then later being absolutely terrified of yourself and who you are and having to constantly remind your self that you're not that person and then failing because no you are that person, the world never proves you wrong. THIS GETS PERSONAL

the weird ways of insulting people people for their incompetence then immediately acknowledging their worth and skill????

I'm a dipshit I'm so sorry

the hatred of respect???? THE LEARNING HOW TO CRY QUIETLY BECAUSE IF YOU CRIED TOO LOUDLY YOU WOULD BRING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF????

THE LEARNING HOW TO SAY THINGS WITH NO SARCASAM AND MAKING IT SOUND GENUINE?

I could just go listing forever and it bothers me

I am such a boring horrible person

I can be diluted down to a book

I am so pretentious

I'm calling myself the main character of a book

it's so ridiculous and stupid

I want to cry

I wish I had a sister

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phagvision · 2 months

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how did u realize that u were a lesbian?

ever since i was a kid, girls were the only thing that i was affected by in da whole world, really i was obsessed, freaky, would stare at the girls in my class twenty-four-hours..would do anything 2 get their attention, but i was also very shy around them, i would drawn them, try to make them laugh..imagine wht would feel like to touch them, be with them, get closer WHATVER I JUST THOUGHT I WAS REALLY WEIRD

1st girl i remember having actual feelingz for was when i was arround idk 6-7years old, her name was mariana. what really got me going about her wasn't how pretty she was, but really her smile cause she had little dimples and i thought it was cute, the way she was quirky..left me fascinated like she was strange forreal but sooo funny, so i would try really hard to impress her, 2 the point i failed math class because i knew she was also bad at math and by doing that i'd be able 2 get in private classes, by her side, same class..just da two of us.. BTW SHE DIDNT GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME BUT I WAS SOOO IN LOVE

whenever i heard my friends talk abt boys they had a crush on i wanted 2 kms in front of them cause I COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY SAW IN BOYS so i felt like a freak most of da time.. funny now but back then it was terrifying 2 get asked who i had a crush on cause i didn't thought about boys, i just thought about other girls but couldnt say shit, oh so men.. what is there 2 say about them? 😹😹 they were just there, growing up, bois had a thing 4 me and i would get weirded out by it, i was just indifferent, i had many friends who were bois, would hang out with them just normal. boys did wanted me to be their gf which is insane bc i got asked out like 3 times by these men and i could nawt evr possible feel the same, so ive rejected a lot of men in dis lifetime..its funny looking back how t fuc i pulled men looking the way i look tf maybe they were all gay and confused or they were into lesbianz i dont Fuckin know okay alexa play pink triangle by weezer..

when i was around 14-15, i had this thing with this straight girl in highschool, we almost kissed at some point but she said she had a crush on this man.. and i cried a lot likee that one brought me 2 my knees i was down bad..i even tried 2 hook them up because i jst wanted 2 stop crying over her n get over with it quickly (will byers moment) when i thought i got over it because i was like naahh i can't be doing this gay shit anymore cause all i do is fall for these straight gurls im not a dyke can Gawd just make me straight already gawd pleasee ( internalized homophobia? who tf knows i did spent 1 year in a catholic school and YES I DID FALL FOR MY 48YO BIBLE STUDIES TEACHER ) anyways thee straight girl found me at a supermarket one year later.. we we're not in highschool anymore..mind you i was with my niece there and SHE SAW ME getting all shy in front of her and then later my niece was like itz okay if ur gay..a dyke whtv i was just wondering how i could make myself dissapear that day. da straight girl was like hiiii..how are youu.. SHE ONLY SAID THAT and all those feelings came back, her name was debora, never saw again, lost her contact. gawd bless her soul. hope her and her man have beautiful kids 2gether👍

#thanks 4 asking anon #what was it like 4 you tho?#i never had a “realization” i just accepted ( tried to )#I HAD 2 THUG THAT SHIT OUT #seedavision #just_lesbo_and_real

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