#i feel like i sound bitter idk

[khodorkovskaya]

the plan is to go to our flat tomorrow while he’s at work and get my stuff. and my stepdad will take the car so we can take everything at once. 

i wrote a letter to explain everything. i think i will leave it on the bed and i’ll also give him a drawing of us i made a couple of years ago. (i would return any gifts, but surprise surprise he didn’t actually give me anything. five years and no gifts and i put up with that, can you imagine.)

so here’s the letter. what do we think, girlies?

Dear B,

I don’t love you anymore and I’m leaving you.

It’s been years since I’ve wanted to leave you, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And now I feel like I finally can.

Our relationship has always felt like an ill-fitting shoe; sure, you can still walk, clenching your toes or putting the weight on the sides of your feet, but it still doesn’t fit. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that it’s fine and that maybe all shoes feel that way, the facts are still there; it was never your size to begin with and you can’t do anything to change that. That’s how our relationship has always felt to me. I have tried so hard to convince myself that we’re meant to be together. I have run hundreds of scenarios through my head, telling myself that it will all work out in the end and that we will be compatible one day. But I don’t have the strength to do it anymore. It feels dishonest to me and to you.

I don’t love you anymore. Or maybe I do. I love the mysterious, brown-eyed boy I fell in love with. I love how gentle you were with me when you first made love to me. I love how when I slept over at your house for the first time, you slept under your jacket because you were afraid to wake me up to ask for the duvet. I love the first winter that we spent together, huddled under the covers, dreaming about our future together. I love your warm hugs. Shit, I will really miss saying I love you.

I don’t think I was ever happy in our relationship. I was always frustrated, on edge, waiting for the perfect moment to arrive, but it never did. I’d always tell myself that if nothing changes until a certain date, I will end things or ask to take a break from the relationship. “I’ll just wait until the end of summer and then we’ll see” or “we’ll have a talk after my exams” or “I’ll see how things are when this and that happens”. But it just kept making me more and more miserable.

Visiting your old flat for the last time was like taking a cold shower. It made me realise that I was never satisfied with you or our relationship. The first room made me recall the time you threw a tantrum about me mentioning the fact that I wanted to move to [city]. I remember you insulting my parents, slamming the door and going outside to smoke weed, under the pretext of working. I remember crying, wishing I had the courage to leave. But I just loved you so much. The second room reminded me of the start of my depression. I wished that you could die so that our relationship would end without me having to end it. I remember you guilt-tripping me into having sex with you in the third room, while I was at my lowest. I hated myself and my skinny body, thinking that I could never be as sexy as the girls in the porn videos you’d watch, instead of trying to comfort me.

And when we moved to [neighbourhood], I thought that my frustration would end, that I would be happy now, that we would finally be a compatible and happy couple. But we are not meant to be. We are different people with opposing world views and contrasting values. We’re not meant to be together, no matter how I try to convince myself so. There is no future for us and it’s better to end things here.

I want to give you this drawing because it depicts a moment where I felt happy with you.

Thank you for everything! I hope you find happiness. I don’t blame you for anything, that’s just how things are.

The key is in the mailbox. If I forgot anything, keep it. And please don’t try to contact me, I don’t want things to be more painful than they already are.

#i feel like i sound bitter idk #but like #i want to give some details but not many details #so that he understands why im leaving him at least #i would hate to have to closure

[bunnihearted]

🐁☁️🌫️

#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant #nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it #it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer #ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know #it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are #but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom #bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park #i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that #i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none #my sisters havent talked for me in over a year #and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w #nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao #i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots #i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol????? #im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay #and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like #when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!! #im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing? #other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing????? #and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things #i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))

[kithj]

Hey, hope you're doing well! Had a couple questions for you if they're not too personal:

1. Whats your favourite story you've written so far? Is it something public? Is it finished?

2. Do you have any long form non-interactive fiction you've written that's available to read? I would genuinely kill to read something like that from you

hi :-) ohh these are fun...

my favorite story is probably My NovelTM which isn't finished yet, i've written a first draft and now it's just been languishing until i can find the motivation to start a second draft. i finished the first draft in august i think, and started editing it pretty heavily before i realized i was just going to have to rewrite the whole thing again. i'm mostly having trouble with the ending, which always seems to be my problem lmfao... anyways it follows the relationship of Angel and Valerie, after Valerie has been missing for a few months and suddenly returns as a vampire with no memory of Angel or what happened over the months while she was away. it alternates between both their povs in both present day and through flashbacks.

so unfortunately for your second question, no, but i do hope to publish Angel and Valerie's story one day, either traditionally through a small press (lol here's hoping) or by self-publishing it. otherwise my only published work is what's available on my itch.io (siren's call, one day hike, etc)

i am working on a short story for vampire jam, which i'll hopefully be sharing next month. it's still in the form of interactive fiction, published in twine, but it's more of a short story than anything like blood choke or tnp. i also have a butch cowboys and zombies story i've been working on for a while, but i'm not sure when i'll get around to finishing it since it's not a priority project.

i do want to write another novel as well, a very old story i've been kicking around for years, but as usual i haven't been able to come up with an ending for it... but maybe one day.

#one thing that amazes me abt published authors is just. the way they churn out books #how do they have so many ideas.... esp when their stories are so varied #i feel like my work is very one note lmfao one day hike & blood choke & hell's holler& even my vampjamp story& the cowboy story #are all very similar. it makes me feel self conscious tbh like im just writing the same thing over and over #but whatever it's what i need to write rn to keep myself sane even if it's all jsut sad lesbians LOL #i tell myself it's helping me refine the narrative i want to perfect in hell's holler (the novel) #idk i would like to write something more happy eventually #like i want to write a YA book. everyone brace yourselves but i want to write a historical fiction during the early 2000s/2010s #it sounds silly to call it historical fiction but like. it would be #around when gay marriage was legalized in the US & the lead up to it #as well as political/cultural attitudes in the US during that time post 9/11. through a high schooler's perspective #think something like the old american girl doll stories when they were actually historical and educational rather than nostalgia bait #yes i AM bitter about the 90s twins why do you ask #anyways. yeah 👍 #ask #sproongoose

[nsfwitchy2]

People gotta stop calling the salon and asking for directions

Because I’m the one most likely to pick up the phone as the person here 5 days a week who’s job is partially to answer the phone

and lemme tell you. I do not know shit. I can tell you the city we are located in and some nearby landmarks and that is IT. Unless you also know the location of these landmarks, I cannot help u. I am sorry.

#nsfwitchytalks #I do not drive and I do not live around here I’m sorry #also ngl it’s not my job to give directions #I don’t wanna sound like a bitter bitch cause I do feel bad #but like…. idk man it’s 2024 #even if your car doesn’t have a built in gps #do you not have like. a phone? or a computer? an iPad??? #ANY FORM OF MAP???? #WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS MY JOB #IDK SHIT DUDE

[simonstamenovic]

its like not even a problem except for if i think too hard bc logically yeah i wouldnt keep me around if i wasnt useful either but also man aside from being essentially a tool its not. listen. i get it. will if you ever exist here i get it i do i got mad last night but now im just like at least be smart about it. you can let me die after but hes given up too much. idk. man. i know you can live without me. not sure about him. and i understand that. but itd at least be more useful if you listened to match and let me take care of it. as i fucking do.

#bloodletting #i feel like shit maybe. i should be asleep. tomorrows gonna suck #im barely tired though. idk. #that last bit sounds bitter again im trying not to be #or like. i get it. more. whatever. #its just. may be wrong but. idk. canon vs memories. we will fucking see

[stormyoceans]

of course ofc people started to hate aof when he's going to make js series I'm not panicking I'm nooooot

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ANON THE FIRST TIME I SAW PEOPLE BASHING P'AOF I WAS LIKE OH SURE OF COURSE Y'ALL START DOING THAT /NOW/ OF ALL TIMES

but the entire situation is also kinda funny to me, mostly because all the critics im seeing aren't even things that may depend on him (like not getting an age appropriate actor to play jim in moonlight chicken) or that are intrinsically problematic, they're just stuff people don't like because of their personal preferences (like the bb and atots crossover). it's just interesting to see how one year ago people were putting him on a pedestal and thinking of him as a god because everyone was into bad buddy, and now the same people are treating him like he's the devil incarnated and are jumping to other directors (who are just as questionable imho) for no real reason (at least that i know of)

sadly last twilight always had the biggest disadvantage out of all the BL series that are supposed to air this year, so i don't think p'aof not being as appreciated as before is gonna make much difference, which i know isn't exactly comforting but as long as p'aof will treat it with the same maturity and respect he used to tell all his other stories, then i think we're gonna be okay. of course i would love for last twilight to become incredibly popular and for jimmysea to finally be recognized, but honestly popularity doesn't always equal quality, and i know which one i'd rather have!!!

#i was about to add more but i already feel like im sounding way too bitter or petty or.. idk patronizing maybe??? #and that's not what i wanna be!!!! #i think all we can do is be positive and spread as much love for jimmysea and last twilight as possible #maybe it won't make any difference but maybe it will help people decide to give it a chance #let's support the show together in any way we can anon!!! #and once again im not tagging this because i am a coward sfjksgfj ;;;;;; #m: ask

[camptw1nk]

.

#not 2 be like. negative but i just kinda got hit hard by the way my relationship w my best friend has changed #dont get me wrong i understand that her girlfriend will be super important to her esp bc she lives across the world and is only physically #here for another 2 or so weeks #but my best friend just got back from a trip to another city to see an artist she loves and as she came in i got up to go see her and ask hl #how it was but she was in her room w her gf before i could and thats fine i get it and like she hasnt done anything wrong i can not #emphasize that enough like i hold no bitter feelings to her she is excited to talk to her gf understandably #it just hit me that like. oh yeah. i have no one else that i go to about literally anything but she does #and its less ab her so much as its. its just hitting me that i dont really have? friends? #i have one or two people but like. i only have One Person thats my go to fave person always tell them everything #and i just. I've realized that its not reciprocated the way it used to be #and that i think is just like a part of growing up #i dont have a partner i dont have someone my life is intrinsically linked to #like a best friend is great but its not. relationships are placed to a higher level you know like its jusy more important #and i just. ive nevr Had a partner really. unless u count a like 2 month thing when i was 12 which i dont count #not to be depresso but i am just not the kind of person that people want or desire #and thats been the case long before i came out as trans but its extra complicated now since i dont. Fully pass #idk not 2 sound sad i just wanna be loved #and i think theres only so many times i can hear the most important person in my life come home and talk excitedly ab things thru the walls #and then never actually get told anything myself. not just ab things shes excited for but just in general #we were meant to go to a house viewing together a few days ago and it was only half an hour before it was happening when no one else was #home that i messaged them to check in and they were like oh yeah we're not going we have this and this going on #which like. fine whatever but i dont drive and getting anywhere fast is hard so it just. was stressful #but it just seems like i am constantly out of the loop. everyone i live with is in a relationship w each other and i am just here #in every aspect of my life i am Just There and im tired of it #not to sound desperate or needy but i just would like to. be noticed? or feel prioritized? or even wanted #idk this is. i just needed to rant i think im emotional bc my hormones r a bit wack #im due for my testosterone shot in a few days but i dont have the money or time to go to the doctors lately so its being pushed back #a few weeks and its just. i think its messing w me a bit #i mean i feel this way literally all the time but just the like. the being upset and emotional and posting ab it i think is bc of that #idk i needed to get it out idk it this will stay up or not

[xamaxenta]

It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way

This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow

but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month

None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion

#like i should be doing more #im very sorry for complaining so much online #i just dont really have any other way to express myself #i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear #but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter #matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal #but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time #i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to #but i also want to if that makes any sense at all #i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally #i want to stop being toxic towards myself #i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way #but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up #I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it #doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling #it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard #this is so woe is me #im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create #and i have none like thats so unfair #this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it #i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again #please im done i just dont want to

[mcl38]

new lando article just dropped! its fun that hes not following a strict schedule, writing (or dictating - jury’s still out) this column before the singapore gp means this is less of a race report and more of a fun update of his life. it also means that he spends a decent portion of it talking about pissing his pants (hypothetical, never happened). make of that what you will. anyways as always i am reminding you not to subscribe to the telegraph or even give them ad money by visiting their website, because i will be posting every single article in full as soon as it drops. u can find them all under the hashtag ‘lando’s columns’. this one (as always) will be under the cut, enjoy the read!

[photo of lando looking at some telemetry, jose and will blurry on either side of him. he’s wearing the black singapore fireproofs] 

Imagine a street circuit like Monaco where one little mistake can put you in the wall. Now add speed. Marina Bay may not be the fastest street circuit in the world. But it’s bumpy. And hot – 30C plus and over 90 per cent humidity, meaning a tropical downpour is never far from turning the track into an ice rink.

Yep, for overall toll on the body and all-round intensity, I would say Singapore is right up there as the toughest race on the calendar. It’s not as hard on your neck or your core as, say, Miami. But it’s just so energy-sapping. So intense under those lights.

I have actually only ever raced here once, in my rookie season back in 2019. So I’m by no means an expert. But I well remember just how draining it was. Literally. You have to drink so much before the race that you begin it 2 per cent heavier than normal. Then you sweat so much during the race you not only lose that 2 per cent but at least another 2 per cent on top of that.

It’s brutal. Taking on so much fluid, and constantly topping up the levels, leads me to a question we’re sometimes asked as F1 drivers: do we ever pee in our race suits?

I can honestly tell you I never have. I love my race crew too much to do that to them! I wouldn’t be surprised if it has happened in the past, though. 

[photo of the special livery MCL36 looking soooo sexy in pink guys i love this car so much u dont get it]

Sometimes, particularly in a race which involves a safety car, we can be out there for well over two hours. I was absolutely desperate for a wee at the end of the last race at Monza for instance. But I haven’t yet been so desperate that I’ve just gone in my race suit.

Most of the time, you are so focused on the race itself you don’t actually notice that you need to go. It’s only when you finish, or like I say, when a safety car comes out, that you sometimes realise how desperate you are.

To be honest, in Singapore pretty much all of the fluid you take on is secreted out through sweat. It is so hot inside your suit and helmet that one driver said he used to put a woman's sanitary towel inside his helmet to try to soak up the sweat while he was racing, so that it wouldn’t drip into his eyes.

I have never gone that far, but I do prepare a little differently for the race at Marina Bay. I train on an indoor bike wearing extra layers of clothes: a hoodie, a jacket, a hat. It’s horrible but it makes a big difference when you come here. I even have a couple of electric heaters which I put in the room with me while I’m cycling to try to get me really cooking.

The other thing I’m going to do this weekend, and which I don’t do anywhere else, is drive with a drinks bottle. 

Generally I don’t tend to drink during a race. It’s just not something I’ve ever felt the need to do. I think Barcelona in May this year, when I had tonsillitis and needed to keep drinking on every lap to stop myself from going downhill, was the only other occasion I’ve needed a drinks bottle. But as I say, taking on fluids in Singapore is just a non-negotiable so I have asked my mechanics to put one in the car for me. 

I’m looking forward to the weekend though. I’m feeling good and ready to go. I arrived out here quite early this week and I feel as if I’ve acclimatised pretty well. I’m a night-owl anyway so staying on European time is not a problem for me. It’s what I would choose to do. I’ve also had a lot of fun this week with my new toy: a digital camera which I bought out here on the recommendation of my photographer (who is now very jealous of it).

[photo of beloved with his face covered by a digital camera. this camera has been the bane of my existence and also a source of constant entertainment, much like this column. much like lando himself]

I’ve had a lot of fun exploring Singapore and experimenting with what it can do. I’m not very good with it yet, but I’m really enjoying it.

I just love documenting my life to be honest. I’d have someone with me documenting it all if I could stand for that person to be following me around all the time. Which I cannot. Hence why I’ve got myself a camera I suppose! I just like to look back and record cool things. My summer golf trip for instance. It would have been really cool to have a digital record of that. I like to throw myself into new things generally. 

You might notice that I’m wearing a slightly different helmet this weekend. It’s actually one inspired by Master Chief’s helmet from the Halo games to celebrate my esports team announcing we’re joining the Halo Championship Series [HSC] partner programme.  Quadrant, my team, is something I’m very excited about. So far Halo is our only esports title, but we have big plans to grow the Quadrant brand and expand into other titles. Watch this space! 

For the next few weeks, all my focus is on Formula One. I finished P7 here in 2019. I’d love to go better this weekend. It will not be easy at the toughest race in the world. But we’ll give it everything. Now, where’s my drinks bottle?

#lando norris #formula 1 #f1 #lando's columns #i do genuinely think he wrote at least parts of this #i think the 'literally.' is such a written stylistic choice #as well as the awkward construction in 'i well remember'. it sounds like lando #and the exclamation marks around the end #idk maybe hes dictating them but i feel like id recognise his voice more #anyways enjoy him talking abt his new hobby / nico rosberg pad-gate / piss / halo #also reiterating yet again the thing i once claimed in a post (that he doesnt use a drinks bottle) and got absolutely rinsed for #whatever im not bitter (is) #lando

[praisethelamps]

Do people not see my Tumblr posts ?

#I sound bitter about interaction #but I genuinely don't see my friends' posts half the time #and they've told me they rarely see mine #idk how to fix it #I know Tumblr 'doesn't have an algorithm' but god damn it sure feels like it sometimes

[shojoboy]

Rest In Peace, Henry Berg-Brousseau

Haven’t seen any posts about him here so I’ll make one. Henry Berg-Brousseau was a transgender rights advocate in Kentucky who died on December 16th, 2022, of suicide. You can read a short article about this here https://www.them.us/story/trans-activist-henry-berg-brousseau-has-died-at-age-24 

I didn’t know about this man until I heard this news today, and both those things make me quite sad. All my love & respect to Henry and to all other trans activists and advocates out there, humbly chugging away at work that is difficult and deeply emotionally taxing. It’s hard to have to wake up every day and fight on the front lines for your own right to exist. I am so so grateful to those who do. Henry was an activist from as early as his high school days and did so much to help his community, from organizing protests and community space to speaking to the senate and working with The Fairness Campaign and The Human Rights Campaign. 

If you would like to make a financial contribution to honor his legacy, his family has asked that donations be sent to The Fairness Campaign or The Trevor Project. 

#sorry if i sound stiff i feel weird being the one making a post like this. but i thought someone should #it really felt bitter seeing this news articles amidst several right wing clickbait articles about The Transgender Contagion and whatnot. #henry berg-brousseau #suicide cw #lgbt #transgender rights #idk wat else to tag im sorry. but i guess if u reblog this that'd b nice. i dont want this dude to just be forgotten about #or his death ignored #people #pol #-_-

[sodrippy]

i love dnd for the "omg i want to be a cool guy and have cool friends and have cool adventures with my cool magic" of it all and how it fosters creativity and fun but unfortunately it does also tap into the inexorable escapist fantasy mindset i lived in as a kid and i have to separate the two out lest i become overcome a misplaced sadness from ten year old val who wants to have magic powers so so badly

#you know what i mean? hwuekwk #just having another one of those moments where i remember how big my feelings were as a kid and how im a completely different person now #its just so like...weird idk #bc i can so keenly recall how i felt as a teenager and how sure i was id always feel like that and it was such a core part of who i Was #and now its all so distant and ofc that comes from just growing up but theres also such an edge to it #like idk itll sound stupid and dramatic to describe but i think unless youve been. as full of anger and bitterness at that age in that way #it wont really make sense #anyway idk where i was going w this just that wow that person is so not me anymore its wild

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#lmao nothing makes me feel more dyslexia than doing field work #i cannot do math in my head #i cannot process instruction. i cannot communicate literally anything. my communication skills r held together with string lol #my language skills lol. im constantly stumbling over words and forgetting words i need #whats the word...? how do u say it...? must be some of my most used phrases. my brain just works on a delay lol #me trying to learn german: well i can vaguely remember the shape of this word but not the actual spelling and also i cant remember how to #pronounce it. its so funny. my brain cannot read sounds into existence. i read aloud in English like an elementary schooler #also if u say the word out loud to me i will instantly forget it. lmao the effort it takes to get info into my brain #i sent off my personal statement for edits btw. which is terrifying bc its like my heart is bleeding thru my ribs and i pressed a page to #my chest. that is my personal statement. overindulgent and rambling. so the cuts will probably be brutal but thats fine #im not so sensitive abt the editing so much as im sensitive abt how i structured it. like did i do it wrong? should it have been clinical? #that seems so boring to me. idk we'll see what he thinks. i still think theres no way i get the scholarship but whatever. he's putting the #effort into working with me so i must show some potential. but also i cant find anything on how to format the statment from the department #and im annoyed at the uk grading system bc technically i have a 2:1 in my undergrad but literally if i round up by 0.01 on the us system id #have a 1st. and like not to diss the uk uni system but the way they grade is bullshit and also the us system is like brutal so i feel like #my grade should count for more lmao. im just bitter and worried i wont get in. bc the project would b so so so perfect #ugh. whatever. one step at a time. now onto the next thing. do i write or draw...? #unrelated

[lordgirlfriend]

chest is hurtin tonite

#i feel so lonely #all the time. #i don’t know what’s wrong with me #it’s just been so loud these past 2 weeks #i like think about my sister and her boyfriend and my brother with his girlfriend and like #thehre always texting each other #and it must be so nice #to like #idk #have someone who wants to talk to you as much as you want to talk to them #idk idk why my brain is spinning in those directions bc like realistically i can’t have what i want there’s just no way anyone will want to #be that for me . and it used to be so easy to move past before once it stopped hurting but now it’s hurting all over again . #i’m constantly torn like maybe i’m not doing enough or trying hard enough maybe i just am asking for too much maybe i’m being mean and selfi #selfish #idkkkk . it’s like a heaviness in my chest that i can’t ignore . i have nothing to focus on other than jt #it’s distinctly person shaped . there’s not enough hobbies in the world that fills it up. #what is it about me that makes love not want to stick around . what is it about my personality that ruins it i don’t know anymore #ahhhhhhhhh #i’m so scared about my future . i don’t know what i’m supposed to do when everyone’s gone . #i hate saying this because it makes me sound bitter and i swear i’m not but everyone i know has had sometbjnf emotionally intimate and i #always am left watching on the sidelines because i don’t know why i can’t have that too . i want to mean something to someone too #and i know i do but #it’s not like THAT. no matter how special someone is to me i just can’t seem to figure out how to be special back #lol #anyways #crying fat ass tears on the toilet snot and everhthjng

[ilgaksu]

i woke up and npss didn't canonise trans xiao hua yet, which is a shame but all bets are off since the day isn't over yet! i'd also like to file a request for some other highly specific headcanons if we're taking suggestions! i'll happily provide a list.

#if i sound bitter it's because i am hurt #if it makes you uncomfortable that your local cryptid writer who chooses to keep their personal life private #might find this situation bewildering and painful #then idk maybe start accepting said writer has a personhood behind the persona #it's my party and i'll be sad if i want to etc #i want you to imagine it feels to be apparently so personally off-putting that you had to find out about the fact your idea is so popular #it's presumed canon #and you find out by chance. like #by chance. #personal #i'm not allowing reblog on these because i don’t want someone to explain to me why this wasn't accidentally thoughtless.

[archivvve-xp]

He’s feeling bonita

#i think it’s funny cuz remember when i had to go the family gathering and wanted to draw? i actually wanted to draw us in dresses and doing #each other’s make up. i also wanted to make an animatic of us with the ‘do you or do you not feel bonita’ audio #seeing this made my day 😭 it’s rly great to know he would LOVE make up awwww <333 #also yes i’m still scrolling on fox’s CC. i’m studying my joyfriend closely and taking noted #s* #so far he’s rly close to how I interpreted him. except for him not understanding or liking animals that much 💔 it’s okay he’s my pookie idc #that he wouldn’t help me take care of my cats #op said he likes bitter flavors and also lime. which i actually thought he’d rly like so i’m happy 👍 #I remember asking him if he’d prefer bitter chocolate over sweet chocolate expecting him to like bitter chocolate and he actually did answer #that he prefers bitter. niicceee. i now my pookie so well <333 #i actually did not expect him to have a birthday. let alone a zodiac sign. his birthday is non-existent tho (nov 35th) but i’ll round it to #the nearest date (nov 30th) #should i do that?? or should i just count the days after nov 30 and make that his birthday??? idk #honestly him being a sag makes so much sense because i always fall in love with sag’s. when i read that he’s a sag i just paused and had a #whole cut scene play in my head #pink backdrop. rose petals flying around. sparkles and bubble. an arrow in my heart… like it made sense… #i’m an aqua (duh my birthday is in pinned post) and i get a long w sag’s so often uggghhh i love them!! #i sound like an astrology nerd but i promise i’m not. i just like to know these fun little facts abt each person’s sign n stuff #alright gonna go back to collecting as much info on my baby as possible <3 ciao!! #desperatelover.txt #f/o: john doe