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spoondrifts · 4 years

Text

long post ahead I'm sorry-

crack au where Jonah Magnus is a good guy but everything keeps going wrong and he spends all of his time running around trying to stop his employees from diving headfirst into their Fuck Up™ of the week

in this au Jonah is almost entirely incompetent but he's got the exasperated parent thing down enough to make up for his lack of braincells

he's also at least 7% dumber than he is in canon

s1 Jon: please call pest control there are so many worms

s1 Elias: I already did

Jon: and??

Elias: they ate them

Jon: the worms?

Elias: the pest control guys. the worms ate them

Elias spends the entirety of season 2 desperately trying to convince Jon that none of them killed Gertrude (in this au Gertrude just had a stroke or something in the tunnels). Elias stops Jon from destroying the table but a week later something heavy falls on it and the NotThem escapes anyway. Elias bashes in Leitner's head with a pipe after mistaking him for the monster and Jon gets framed.

now Elias has to convince this hunter that Jon is innocent while Jon runs around and harasses various fear avatars (who are all very amused with Elias' wayward Archivist). Jon assumes Elias knows nothing about all this bullshit because Elias is just his weird and uptight boss who accidentally killed someone, he can't possibly know that there are literally fear gods ruling over them

olive ⚰ has named the group 'Avatars ✨'

JMagnus 👀: Jude please don't hurt him. I'll explain everything when he gets back to the Institute.

🔥: too late

JMagnus 👀: What?

🔥: too late

🔥: burned him

[JMagnus 👀 is typing]

JMagnus 👀: Where is he now.

🔥: going to mike

JMagnus 👀: Mike Crew???

🔥: ya

Elias RACES to Mike's house but he. he fucking misses them. the Beholding helpfully tells him that they're all going back to the Institute so Basira and Daisy can interrogate him, which isn't ideal, he'd really like to not go to jail, so he drafts up an employment contract on the way back and barely manages to escape the whole thing with his life intact.

then he explains everything to Jon because if Jon is going to end up being the Archivist, being uninformed won't do. Jon becomes the Archivist completely on accident and Elias is desperately trying to make all of this work because, haha, the Unknowing is coming up, and Elias is not in the fucking mood to deal with clowns.

olive ⚰ has named the group 'all that is terror uwu'

spidey🕸: lmfaooo jonah how do you make an archivist on accident

JMagnus 👀: He stumbled into it. All I can do now is ensure he doesn't die.

JMagnus 👀: Or get further injured by the rest of you.

🔥: woops

🎭: hEy gUyS lOnG tiMe nO sEe

🎭: gEt iT eLiAs

🎭: sEe

JMagnus 👀: Beholding puns are not amusing from a manifestation of the Stranger.

🎭 has named the group 'eLiAs bE niCe tO niKoLa cHaLlEnGe'

🔥: haha

spidey🕸: I'm sure Nikola will be on her best behavior

🎭: yEaH i wOnT kiDnAp yOuR aRcHiViSt

[JMagnus 👀 is typing]

mike n ike: hey guys what'd I miss

🔥: arent you dead

mike n ike: yeh but I came back

JMagnus 👀: NIKOLA ORSINOV WHERE IS JONATHAN SIMS

🔥: can't you see haha

mike n ike: heh "see"

JMagnus 👀: NIKOLA

spidey🕸: wow he must be pissed

spidey🕸: he left out the punctuation

JMagnus 👀: I WILL BREAK ALL OF YOUR PLASTIC BONES WHERE'S MY ARCHIVIST

🎭 has left the chat.

JMagnus 👀: what the FUCK

since he's still a coward Elias sends Michael to go fetch Jon, only finding out after the fact that he very nearly almost signed Jon's death warrant. Elias is now speedrunning Jon's development because fuck the Unknowing is coming up really quickly and Tim is a self destructive mess and Melanie keeps trying to stab Elias and Martin is a pining idiot and goddammit he didn't sign up for this

Elias prepares Jon the best he can for the Unknowing, because even though he knows the ritual will fail, the Circus can still cause a considerable amount of damage and he needs them out of the way.

the Unknowing happens. Jon ends up in a wack ass coma, Tim is dead, Daisy's in the coffin, and Basira is starting to look like the better choice of Archivist because jesus christ Jon has no self preservation instinct. Elias doesn't get arrested this time around but his ex husband starts coming by the Institute and fucking with all his employees. and the Flesh is attacking. jesus. goddamn.

olive ⚰ has named the group 'bully elias'

JMagnus 👀: Why are you all so mean to me? I'm arguably the nicest one here.

🔥: ur joking right

Peter Lukas: you're not nice you didn't buy me an anniversary gift 😢😢😢

JMagnus 👀: I was busy.

Peter Lukas: doing what

JMagnus 👀: Stopping the Flesh from destroying my Institute. Besides, you didn't remember my birthday.

Peter Lukas: you're 200 years old how could I remember 😓

helen!!!!!: We All Know I'm The Nicest One Here!!

JMagnus 👀: How did you make your text that colorful?

helen!!!!!: IDK

JMagnus 👀: Liar.

helen!!!!!: That's Literally My Job

olive ⚰: hey eli your archivist just woke up I think

🔥: ew why

helen!!!!!: How Delightful!! Maybe I'll Throw Him A Glad You're Alive Party!!

olive ⚰: should we invite him to this chat since he's an avatar now

Peter Lukas: no 🙅 🚫❌

Peter Lukas: I hate archivists 😤😤

olive ⚰: still mad about gertrude huh

🔥: were all still mad about gertrude

🔥: but jons fine once you burn some manners into him

JMagnus 👀: Can you all please stop hurting Jon? Or talking about hurting him? I would like my Archivist to not acquire any more scars.

🔥: damn

Peter Lukas: damn 😔

Elias keeps trying to teach Jon how to pick certain victims to feed off of because personally he has no qualms about feeding from innocents but Jon!! actually trusts him!!! so Elias doesn't want to push Jon into making decisions that will offend his moral sensitivities.

things are actually going okay for a while. Elias starts going home at a reasonable time in the evenings and Jon is actually getting some sleep. and then-

Elias is having a nice dream about Peter trying to fish Simon Fairchild out of a sky filled with eyes when he abruptly sits up in bed, wide awake.

"Ah, fuck," he says to Peter, who is laying on the floor where it is Lonelier™. "Jon's doing something stupid. I Know it."

Peter's mumbled "isn't he always" goes unnoticed as Elias hurries to the Institute, where he finds a fucking rib on Jon's desk and the coffin in the middle of the room.

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'archivists ruin my sleep schedule and my sex life'

JMagnus 👀: What the fuck do I do?? I can't go into the Buried! Why is Jon so stupid? I didn't know he had zero braincells when I hired him!

🔥: ngl why havent you fired him yet

JMagnus 👀: Beholding won't let me. We're all bound to the Institute.

🔥: F

JMagnus 👀: Why are there no Buried avatars in here? Please someone help me.

mike n ike: lol the buried is gross why would anyone go down there

spidey🕸: does he have an anchor?

[JMagnus 👀 sent an image]

🔥: is that a fucking rib

spidey🕸: wow that's not a good anchor at all

spidey🕸: he needs someone he loves

JMagnus 👀: Thanks. Gtg.

spidey🕸: np

🔥: are we not going to talk about his rib

🔥: how the fuck did he get that out of his body

🔥: yall

🔥: YALL

it takes three days for Elias to find Martin.

"Please tell me why the fuck you're dabbling in the Lonely," Elias says as Martin steps sheepishly out of the fog.

"Ah. Well. Jon can't See into it very well and sometimes we like to spice up our se-"

"Stop before I have to gouge my eyes out again."

"A-Again-?"

Elias drags Martin back to the Institute. Martin starts setting tapes on the coffin because "Jon loves these" and Elias starts bashing his head into the wall.

Jon climbs out of the coffin with Daisy and Elias almost considers locking Jon in his office so the damn archivist can't do anything else ridiculous. instead, Elias very calmly takes Jon by the shoulders, and shakes him like a rag doll.

"Stop fucking with entities, you stupid, stupid man," Elias says, shaking Jon more viciously now.

after several hours of breathing exercises Elias returns to his house and doesn't take his Sight off of Jon for the rest of the night, which is a fun experience for Peter when he wakes up and finds Elias' bloodshot eyes staring directly at him in the morning.

JMagnus 👀 added Daisy to 'archivists ruin my sleep schedule and my sex life'

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'archivist hate club'

JMagnus 👀 has named the chat 'shut up peter'

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'you love jon more than me'

JMagnus 👀 has named the chat 'I don't love either of you I'm heartless'

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'I want a divorce'

spidey🕸: jeez take your marital dispute elsewhere

spidey🕸 has named the chat 'lonelyeyes dni'

Daisy: wtf is this

mike n ike: it's a chat for avatars

mike n ike: and ex avatars ig

Daisy: didn't I kill you

mike n ike: yea

JMagnus 👀: Hello, Daisy. Welcome to the group chat.

Daisy: why is Jon not in here

Peter Lukas: because I hate him 😁

spidey🕸: Elias talks mad shit in here and Jon would get offended

Daisy: if you talk bad about Jon I'll rip your throat out

Daisy: :)

JMagnus 👀: Noted.

mike n ike: he's kinda rude tho

Daisy: I've killed you once

Elias' only goal now is to keep Jon and his assistants from pulling any more wild stunts without his supervision. his renewed involvement with the archival staff results in a few things he'd hoped to avoid: drink invites, physical contact (Martin is surprisingly quick to start hugging Elias once he realizes Elias won't stop him), and- shudder -feelings. because Elias genuinely cares about his staff and doesn't want any harm to befall them. especially Jon. Jon is his Archivist, the only one to ever succeed like this, and Elias will be damned if he lets anything happen to him.

"Why do you care?" Jon asks, once, compulsion thrumming like static on his tongue. "About us, I mean. I would've assumed you'd want to perform the Beholding's ritual."

Jonah Magnus attempted the Watcher's Crown once, when he was young and new. he'd brought his patron close, but not all the way through, and the backlash of power killed all the inmates at Millbank and severely crippled Jonah's connection to the Eye for months afterward. he grew to assume that the Beholding simply preferred the world as it was--ripe with fear for watching. it didn't need a ritual.

he instead dedicated himself to growing stronger, cultivating his Institute of knowledge, his stronghold. if he tore out a few people's eyes when he got too old, then, well, collateral. but he doesn't want the world to end, and knows now that no ritual will ever succeed unless it brings in all the Powers at once. and he doesn't want that either.

it's concerning to him that Jon seems to be collecting marks regardless. the only ones he's missing are the Dark and the Lonely, and Elias is determined to keep it that way.

he explains all of this to Jon who, to his credit, takes it pretty well. Jon is fascinated with historic life and Elias spends some time simply recounting tales of his youth, when he still bore the name Magnus.

they bond. it's good.

and one day Basira does a little too much research and discovers the dark sun waiting in Ny Alesund. she insists they need to go and see what's left of the People's Church, they need to ensure everything is taken care of. Jon is rather insistent too. and Elias wouldn't have been inclined to let them go, except Peter was finally home after weeks at sea, and it wasn't like Jon was defenseless, he could call Elias if anything went wrong...

so, very reluctantly, Elias gives them the all clear. Basira, Jon, and Martin head north, and Elias almost forgets they've gone when he arrives home and Peter already has dinner prepared.

Jon comes back marked by the Dark.

Elias curses himself, over and over, for being foolish enough to let them go, for not keeping a closer eye on them. he knows the ritual won't work unless a certain incantation is spoken, so he'll just have to keep world-ending written chants away from Jon. easy. and it's not like Jon will even get marked by the Lonely. Peter wouldn't.

(but Martin doesn't have the same level of control, and sometimes...)

it's an accident. Martin and Jon are testing it, pushing the boundaries, when Martin pulls them both into the Lonely. Elias threatens divorce until Peter caves and fetches them, but it's too late. Jon has been marked by all fourteen Powers.

Elias tells him, and warns him to check everything he reads.

helen!!!!! has named the chat 'apocalypse babey'

JMagnus 👀: How are you doing that?

JMagnus 👀: And the apocalypse is not imminent. I have the situation under control.

olive ⚰: ha yeah

JMagnus 👀: What do you mean by that?

olive ⚰: nothing

JMagnus 👀: Well, now I certainly think it's something.

olive ⚰: it's just

olive ⚰: don't you think it's kinda weird that @spidey🕸 has been offline for so long

🔥: thats weird shes always online

JMagnus 👀: Oliver, what are you implying?

olive ⚰: idk

olive ⚰: just weird, that's all

🔥: never good when the spiders are quiet

olive ⚰: hear hear

Elias gets a sinking feeling in his stomach, and beside him, Peter looks alarmed. meanwhile, in his flat with Martin making tea in the other room, Jon has a statement clutched in his grasp.

Hello, Jon.

I would apologize for the deception, but I'm afraid that's quite what I'm good at. I'm not one to monologue, that's more Jonah's shtick, so shall we get on with things?

I admit I underestimated Jonah Magnus. He's still remarkably easy to manipulate, but when he abandoned the Watcher's Crown ritual I knew I would have to take a different approach. The Mother is not so satisfied with the world as she may have insinuated. It is our turn to rise, Jon.

At the age of eight, you were marked by us. We sent you to the Magnus Institute in the hopes that a new Archivist would rekindle Jonah's desire to end the world. Unfortunately, it seemed as though he grew fond of you, and so we brought in a new plan. We marked you. One fear at a time. Jonah gave an admirable attempt at protecting you, but ultimately, he is an incompetent old fool, and I am a Weaver. Even Jonah Magnus dances to invisible strings.

Everyone underestimates a spider until it bites. Poison is poison, Jon, regardless of the medium in which it is served.

You will be safe in this new world. Martin, too. Perhaps even Jonah and his Lukas, if the Mother deems them worthy.

Now, please repeat after me...

Jon reads the ink scratched words, eyes welling up with tears and hands trembling, as thunder crashes outside and a howling gale picks up beyond the windows. Martin is shouting something, there's the crawling press of Elias' gaze as it rests heavy behind Jon, a silent observer. He can feel Elias' soothing presence, cool and calm in the raging storm.

Elias is still watching out for him.

Strings are wrapped around his wrists, jerking his arms up in a poor mockery of religious regard, strange hysterical laughter clawing out from his throat.

Jon's tears run red. Somewhere, Elias is still watching.

The door opens.

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voiceless-terror · 4 years

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hi friend!!!! i love your writing!!! if you're taking prompts from the bingo card (if you're not then feel free to delete this!!), how about N5 for Jon? :) i hope you have a great day!!

‘fighting to pay attention to urgent information’ ahh i love this prompt!! thank you so much for the ask, it means a lot since i love your writing so much (and it inspired me to starting posting my stuff, to be honest). Here you go, I hope you like! This takes place right after Sasha makes her statement to Jon in season one.

Sasha is talking but Jon can’t hear her.

It’s all muddled in his mind. So many things have happened over the last couple of weeks- Martin’s worm attack and now Sasha’s encounter with Michael- and his mind is refusing to process. She gave her statement in his office and was now explaining the situation to Martin and Tim while Jon stood awkwardly in the doorway, trying to nod at the appropriate time.

“We’ll need a plan of attack if Prentiss comes or if any of us encounter Michael again,” she’s saying. “Martin’s already living here, but-”

A plan. Yes. A plan would be good but Jon can’t think beyond Sasha bleeding in his office and Martin throwing open his door demanding to be heard. The worms on the pavement crawl and creep and remind him of something he thought he’d finally put behind him but he’s been chasing it the entire time, hasn’t he?

His body feels at once too hot and too cold. Jon’s never understood that about illness. How a body can burn with fever and shake with a chill at the same time. But he’s not sick, he’s just...overwhelmed. Needs to eat a normal meal, needs to get some sleep. If he could just get a deep breath in his lungs the black spots would stop dancing in front of his vision and he could pay attention and come up with a plan.

But every other word is ‘worms’ and ‘infestation’ and all matter of disturbing things and his mind goes wild with imagination, horrible scenarios playing out in his mind as his breaths turn into an uneven staccato of sound that he tries to stifle.

“-could get more CO2 you think? Jon?” That’s your name.

“A-Ah, yes. I’ll t-talk to Elias.” Sasha nods and Jon is relieved to have said the right thing. The fog in his brain lifts; the panic eases for just a few moments but it only reveals more physical pain and he starts to shake. He knows he needs to sit down soon or he’ll be lying on the ground either way. So he slowly backs out of the room, hoping no one notices as his hands grasp at the wall for balance. He manages to stumble back to Document Storage before he hears someone calling his name. But he’s lost now, barely breathing as his heart stutters in his chest and he sinks to the floor.

________

Martin had been watching Jon while Sasha spoke. Martin watched Jon a lot- innocently, of course, and Jon never seemed to notice. He was either willfully ignorant or really that oblivious.

Martin was starting to double down on the ‘willfully ignorant’ theory.

Jon was nodding along, sure. But his face held a detached blankness, as if each word were in one ear and out the other. Of course he would zone out during this conversation; it involved real, actual supernatural occurrences. He only contributed once, a vague promise to talk to Elias, who was turning out to be a very useless manager. Martin thought Jon was getting better about this. After all, he seemed to believe both Martin and Sasha’s stories. But he watched as Jon moved further and further out of the room when he should be contributing to the conversation. He disappeared down the hallway and Martin let out an irritated sigh, drawing Tim and Sasha’s attention.

“What’s up?” Tim asked from his perch on Sasha’s desk. “Don’t worry, we’re gonna figure this out-”

“It’s not-” Martin got up, starting to make his way down the hallway. “It’s Jon. I can’t believe he would just walk out on this. I’m going to go talk to him.”

“Martin-” Sasha sounded hesitant but he ignored her as he spotted the open door to Document Storage. Why would Jon go here instead of his office? This was Martin’s room with his things. And I didn’t exactly keep it clean. “Jon?” he called out. “Jon, you need to- what are you doing?”

The man was leaning against his cot, knees brought up to his chest as he stared at the floor. His glasses were tucked into his sweater and his hair was a mess, as if he’d been running his fingers through it. And he was ignoring Martin in favor of whatever the hell he found so interesting about the floor. Martin stooped down to his level, ignoring the twinge in his knees on the cold cement. “What’s going on?” he asked again, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. God, Jon could be so infuriating at times, but he was still concerned.

Jon barely spared him a glance and tightened his arms around his knees, looking like a ball of tension. His shoulders moved very minutely upwards in a sort of shrugging motion and Martin thought he heard a mumble of ‘’nothing, fine,” under his breath and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He moved in closer, setting a firm hand on Jon’s bony shoulder- when did he get so thin?

“Look, I know it’s a lot,” Martin tried for comfort, though it was getting harder and harder to do so these days when the man refused to see reason. “But you can’t just bury your head in the sand whenever someone says something you don’t want to hear, alright? We’re all struggling and it would be a lot easier if we had a boss who actually listened instead of- shit.”

Jon was shaking so much. How had he not noticed? His breathing was off, like a sputtering engine as his white-knuckled grip dug into his knees. His face was ashen and sweaty. He was clearly unwell but he opened his mouth anyway in an attempt to respond. His eyes did not meet Martin’s.

“It’s- it’s all I think about,” he began, his voice more of a croak than the smooth baritone Martin was used to. “She’s after us, after you and Sasha and now there’s Michael and I don’t know what to do.” Martin watched in horror as his eyes filled with tears and his voice trembled. “And- and what if I go home and she’s waiting there? What if she gets Tim? What if we aren’t safe anywhere?” A slender hand shot out and grabbed onto Martin’s sweater, startling him as Jon’s eyes met his own with a desperate fervor. “I-I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. And Elias doesn’t even care, just w-watches while we all scramble around doing- doing-” his voice broke into a hacking cough and Martin couldn’t witness any more. He dislodged Jon’s hand and backed away. Seeing Jon like this was uncomfortable and he wasn’t sure what to do about it, so he went into his natural problem-solving mode. “I’m going to get you some water, yeah? You’re- you’re not well, we can talk about this later.” Despite keeping his voice soft and low, Martin watched as Jon shrunk into himself, desperately trying to stifle his coughs. “I’ll be right back.”

He hightailed it out of the storage area, eyes firmly on the ground and steps so quick he didn’t notice Tim until he ran right into him.

“Oof! What’s wrong, Martin?” Tim said as he grabbed him by the shoulder. “Boss giving you trouble?” Martin shook his head, voicing his next words as diplomatically as possible.

“He’s, um- I think he’s sick?” Tim’s brow furrowed in concern. “I’m just going to get him some water, yeah.” He walked off before Tim could ask another question; he didn’t want to leave Jon alone for too long but he also didn’t want to be subjected to Tim’s questioning.

It only took him a couple of minutes to grab some water and a cold towel but by the time he got back to the room Jon was laid out on his cot, eyes barely open as Tim said something Martin couldn’t hear and smiled softly at the man in the bed. He knew they’d all known each other before the Archives; it was something that he thought about quite a bit, to be honest. But he’d never really seen Jon interact with someone like this, so quiet and trusting that he nodded off right in front of them.

“There you are!” Tim said, uncharacteristically quiet. He reached out and Martin handed over the supplies, still stupefied by the whole situation.

“Just gonna let him sleep for a mo’ before I force this down his throat,” he chuckled as he gently placed the towel on his forehead. “Glad you checked up on him- didn’t realize he was having a rough go of it. I’m usually a bit more observant.”

“We’re all having a rough go of it, Tim,” Martin felt like he had to explain some of his frustration. “How did he let himself get to this point? I mean, he’s always so skeptical on the tapes but it turns out he’s worked himself up so much he’s sick and it doesn’t make any sense.”

“We all tell our lies, Martin,” The words weren’t said unkindly, but he remembered that Tim knew about his resume and though he didn’t think the man would ever tell anyone it did seem like the words were rather pointed. “His coping mechanism is all this skeptic nonsense. Don’t get me wrong, it’s terrible and very annoying,” Tim conceded, giving Martin a knowing look. “But not all of us ended up here accidentally. Most of us are here for answers. For a reason.” Tim’s far off look reminded him that he knew so little about the people he worked with. He wondered what Tim’s reason was, what Jon’s was. And if they would ever feel comfortable enough to confide in him.

Martin doesn’t know how to respond to those words, so he does what he does best- deflect and nervously offer his services. “I can throw the kettle on, maybe order some takeaway? Food would probably make him feel better.”

“Yeah, reckon it would,” Tim’s just staring at Jon as he fitfully dozed. Tim may not have been attacked directly but he looked tired and worried all the same. “He likes Thai.”

Martin noted the fact down for his mental file on Jonathan Sims. Hates spiders. Likes his tea with milk, no sugar. Hates my handwriting. Likes Thai. It’s not very comprehensive.

Later, when he’s making tea in the break room, he watches as Sasha slips into the hallway to Document Storage, attempting to go unnoticed. She’s got a hand to her shoulder like she’s trying to rub away the ache and Martin grabs some paracetamol out of the cabinet, knowing both her and Jon will need it. Everyone in the Archives likes to hide their pain, himself included. But maybe for one night they could help each other out. Four tired humans against two eldritch abominations.

Martin could get behind those odds.

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27065482

#asks #my writing #tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #tim stoker #sasha james #sickfic #prompt #panic attacks cw #taylortut #thank you for the prompt! i loved it

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anachronisims · 3 years

Photo

New posts resume tomorrow, so refresh on all your favorite cave-dwellers’ plotlines in the ultimate tldr catch up post!

When the last snows melted and it was safe to travel again, six couples set off in search of a perfect place to found a settlement of their own. They could not believe their luck when they stepped over a the crest of a hillock and saw before them the lush, rich river valley upon which they would soon bestow the name “Meraki.”

After passing a large meadow with wild berries and evidence of recent animal activity, when the group found six caves at the foot of the next hillock, they knew this was their place. They spent the next few weeks chopping down trees, settling into their new cave homes, and working together to create some common amenities at the Fishin’ Hole. Then, their new lives began in earnest...

Tammuz: “Howdy, neighbor! How goes it today?”

Kimba: “Oh, you know, the usual. Working in the garden, trying to pull forth some food from this sparse and spotty terrain. We’re going to need to start thinking about storing food away for the winter if we’re all going to stay healthy and strong.”

Tammuz: “Huh. Yeah, I guess summer probably is ending any day now…”

Lehabim: “Yeah, I’ve got this whole five-year plan for expansion. We fill out the area here around the Fishin’ Hole with some huts, get ourselves out of these caves and everything, then start spreading out towards that meadow we passed when we came in? There will be plenty of space for the next generation and any newcomers we can attract. Which we will, because Pallu and Junia are going to spread our reputation as a strong, prosperous place to settle far and wide! It’s as easy as child’s play, when you think about it!”

Lehabim: “Hey, so, you’re trying to be like, a shaman now, right? Like, tell us all this mystical shit from up in the stars and whatnot?”

Noel: “Yeah, I mean, a little bit of what’s in the stars, a little bit of what’s in the trees, like that sacred bloodleaf tree there on the island in the middle of the Fishin’ Hole. There’s a lot of ideas out there about why this is all happening, where Meraki and the rest of the world came from and who moved mountains and dug rivers and why we walk and talk and do what we do all day long. I just love talking about this stuff, I could go on and on all day! ALL DAY!”

Lehabim: “If you do, you know, get in touch with the spirit world, you think you could ask them if they know how to make this bread stuff? That guy Pallu has been talking about it ever since we got here, it’s like he’s absolutely obsessed with bread. I think half the reason he’s trying to become a trader is so he has an excuse to run away from home and look for this mythical village where they supposedly make it. It’s supposed to be warm and filling and kind of soft but also solid enough to hold other food in it?”

Noel: “Oh my stars, that’s absolutely THE most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!!” Lehabim: “I know, right?! But. Seriously, though, if you get in touch with the spirits, ask them for me. I’d love to beat Pallu to it… if, you know, it turns out it’s real.”

Nadii’ya: “Good morning, Kimba!” Kimba: “Hallooo, Nadii’ya! Sleep well?” Nadii’ya: “Honestly? I’ve been better. Maybe it was something I ate? I threw up this morning. Got any ideas?”

Kimba: “Oh, well, it definitely might have been something you ate, but that’s not the only explanation. You might have… you might be pregnant, new friend! The best medical science available today says that it happened because you WooHooed. You did WooHoo, right?”

Nadii’ya: “Uh, yeah, of course.”

Pallu: “Did Stachia tell you her idea about giving special medals for acts of val -”

Nadii’ya: “Let me stop you right there. The proper reward for someone who, say, slays a boar that has roamed into the village, is to let them keep the carcass. They risk getting gored to death to protect everyone, and then what? The village splits up the boar and hands the hero a shiny rock for their good deed? No way. The one who saves the village should be rewarded with the boar, they and their family should get to feast! Why is this so difficult to comprehend?”

Pallu: “Well, but, I mean, that’s what the boar-slayer signed up for. Protecting everyone, not feasting on a boar. When they do the job, why should not everyone share in the feast? Isn’t that how a community works?” Nadii’ya: “But I could have hypothetically died!!!!!”

Kimba: “I can see it both ways. On the one hand, you, as the warrior, are risking certain death for the benefit of the entire community, and as such, you feel like the reward should be equal to that risk. On the other hand, Death is all around us, all the time, and we pretty much are all subject to certain death with every step we take. We made a community to ease the burden of living with this knowledge, to share our many burdens and attempt to ward off Death as best we can. Life is short, and why should we not all share its bounties as fully and fairly as we share our burdens?”

Nadii’ya: “…Kimba, you’re not going to die from kissing a boo-boo. Some of us are sharing the burden of death a little more than others.”

Tammuz: “So, you’re a carpenter, eh? That means you work with… wood?”

Gandu: “That’s me, the wood master of Meraki! What can I do you for?” Junia: ::loud eyeroll::

Gandu: “So, you know my partner, Junia -” Junia: “Hi!” Gandu: “-she’s going to work on finding this village that makes this amazing drink out of wheat that makes you feel like the king of the world and makes everybody friendly. Isn’t she great?”

Rubati: “The reason we must light fires every single night is to protect us from dangerous animals, and also, from the spirits of dangerous animals, which can cause us even more harm! There’s a wolf-like beast with extra scary horns that likes to terrorize Sims at night and disturb their sleep, but it’s completely terrified of fire! Isn’t that great?”

Pallu: “I cannot wait until I know how to make bread, holy ogres. Mushrooms are just pretentious dirt.”

Stachia: “Can I just say, I’m so so so so glad we all found each other and became best friends? For months, the only Sim I had to talk to was Pallu, and, creator knows I love him, but he can be such a bore sometimes. Can you imagine? Endlessly traipsing through snow and forests, crossing rivers and mountains, and just ‘bread bread makeouts bread woohoo bread bread bread,’ constantly. At least now that we’ve established a home, he can leave and go look for it and I can have some peace and girl talk!”

Saphir: “Hey, love, guess what!”

Lehabim: “You want to make out with me?”

Saphir: “Well, yes, but also, Stachia asked me to be in the hunting party she’s putting together. We’re going to start making trips to the meadow and bring back loads of food for the whole village to share. Isn’t that a great idea?”

Lehabim: “Sure… kinda wish I’d had it, to be honest.”

Tobiah: “Hey!!! Hey everybody!! Look what I caught!!” Nadii’ya: “I curse this pole to the depths of this Fishin’ Hole for ever and all time, may it never see the light of day or feel the breath of a cool breeze or do anything but rot into nothingness in the mud and the muck amongst the fish it so thoroughly refused to catch.”

Lehabim: “Do you think I should make a pact with a demon to consolidate power?” Saphir: ::record scratch::

Tobiah: “Wait a second. Special wheat drink. Beer? Are you talking about beer?”

Pallu: “Are… ‘beer’? Are you saying you know how to make the special wheat drink?”

Tobiah: “I mean, more or less. We had wheat fields all around our homeland, and you basically just take some wheat and seal it in a jug with some water and let it sit for a while and then you have beer. It’s really not that complicated. Anyone can do it in their own cave. And the longer you forget about it, the better it ends up being! It’s kind of perfect for me, lol”

Pallu: “And this information has just been inside your head this whole time?”

Tobiah: “I suppose so.”

Pallu: “Did y’all make bread back there, too?”

Tobiah: “No, no no no.”

Tobiah:

Tobiah: “But we did hear rumors of a village that did. We were planning a raid on it right before Nadii’ya and I left, actually.”

Pallu: “Did… did you find out where it was?”

Tobiah: “Of course. I was a Raiding Party Commander back home. It’s actually not too far from here, now that I think about it. Want me to give you directions?”

Rubati: “WooHoo is weird, right? Like, so strange how we get in the bed and you put your censored bits with my censored bits! Is it weird, or is it just me?”

Noel: “So, like, WooHoo, amirite???”

Tobiah: “Everybody, look how pretty!”

Gandu: “Not really the most interesting thing going on at the Fishin’ Hole right now, bud…”

Tobiah: “I think it’s just a little bit rude of Saphir to proposition Noel right there in front Kimba. I mean she’s literally right there.”

Junia: “Why would that be rude? Noel and Kimba both know that their partnership isn’t based on exclusively WooHooing each other.”

Tobiah: “Sure, Nadii’ya and I feel the same way. But that still doesn’t mean I’d want to SEE it happening, right in front of me! Saphir’s not being brave, she’s being brazen!”

Junia: “Hold on, how is it all Saphir’s fault? It takes two to woo, boo. If Saphir’s being ‘brazen,’ Noel’s being just as bad.”

Tobiah: “Everyone expects it of Noel, but Saphir should know better!”

Junia: “Do you hear yourself? Of course we expect it of Noel - so does Kimba, you idiot! She knew he was a major horndog when she decided to partner with him! This is just the way things are!”

Kimba: “I heard you were talking about me? Don’t talk about what you don’t know about, Tobiah. I don’t need anyone else to defend me, and I DEFINITELY don’t need to be protected from Noel. So butt out.”

Tobiah: “All I did was - ”

Kimba: “Butt. Out.”

Tobiah: “Every time I see your face, it makes me angry all over again! Just stay away from me!”

Kimba: “Then why did you even come here?!”

Tobiah: “Because… because… to support… because… birthday… Noel… Gaia… UGHHH just leave me alone!”

Noel: “Everybody looking??”

Tobiah: “Stop! Standing! Next! To me!!!”

Tobiah: “Oh, Chipmunk, Dada’s sorry about tonight. I’m not proud that you saw me like that. When you’re older, maybe you’ll understand. Sometimes sims have so many emotions at the same time that they don’t realize what they’re doing or saying to other sims. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Ms. Kimba is really a very good sim, but it makes me so confused and frustrated to think… you know what, I’ll tell you when you’re older. Just be nice to Ms. Kimba whenever you see her, okay?”

Linus: “Okay, Dada.”

Gandu: “Did you know the Creator made me attracted to all brown-haired Sims, and that’s like, half the village? Turns out I want to make out with just, like, everybody.” Rubati: “…Interesting… everybody? I never thought about kissing… everybody.”

Gandu: “Sometimes it can be hard to tell another Sim you want to kiss them, especially for a Sim as shy as you. Maybe it would help if you could feel like you weren’t really being yourself. Like, you’re from the Green Eyes lands. From what you’ve told me about it so far, you were raised not to kiss a lot of different Sims. So just pretend you are a Sim who isn’t from the Green Eyes lands.”

Rubati: “But… my eyes ARE green, Gandu.”

Tammuz: “I was having the most interesting dream, I was on a date - with you, of course - and I was - I mean, we were - running after a deer, and it kept darting this way and that, and then it reached a stream and I couldn’t make the jump across it but Ga- you could, and the deer was getting away and you were telling me to come on and jump over but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t make it over.”

Lehabim: “Saph, I’m really really sorry about before, I didn’t mean to make you think I want to rule this land with an iron fist - or any fist at all. I want this to be a place where Sims want to come and live their lives and I think I’m the one with the best ideas to make that happen, and I know with you by my side we’ll make it happen together, and I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt you or scare you.”

Kimba: “Have you tried summoning the dee- spirit with music? Noel is always talking about how powerful the magic of music is.”

A Voice on the Wind: ♫ Spirits, Spirits, in the trees ♫ please come out and talk to meee ♫ I have needs and you have powers ♫ If you help me I’ll give you flowers ♫ Spirits, Spirits in the trees ♫ let me indebt myself to theeeeee ♫

T̲̟͔͍͙̘͖ͣ̽͒h̩̣̱͋ͧ̈ͪͨͨ́̚i̩̜̗͔̖̮͎ͣ̃̂̆͊̀̆ͮ̀s̞̯͕͍̟͎̞̦̓̓͋̀̽̐͑ ̭̳̲̲̿ͧ͊̌ͮͨc̥͈̼̺̎̇͑ͨͬ̑o̗̲͕̘ͥͫu̲̝̩͊͆͊̔ͫ̓̌̀l̦̟̭̍͌͐d̙̑͊ ̮̟̠̼͊̈̊͊ͣ̓ͧ̀b̻̲̺̝͂̂ͥ̚ͅḛ̲̮̗ͦͥ̓̿ ͈̞̯̗̭̠̬ͬͩ̊̈́̍͌̿̄f̼̹͚̲̐ͧ̍̑̽ű̹͔͑ͭ̓n̫̰̣̈ͩ̽̐̾͆

Noel: “Everybody, I have to warn you to be on the lookout for ogres, or demons, or any other evil spirits of the forest… I don’t want to point any fingers - so I won’t tell you which person not sitting at this table tried to summon the supernatural today without help from me or Rubati… and so it probably wasn’t successful, of course. But. Just in case. Be on the lookout, and come get me immediately if you see anything out of the ordinary.”

Dan: “Lehabim of the Golden Eyes, the sound of my true name cannot be heard nor comprehended on this mortal plane. Suffice it to say that I am the one who can make all your dreams come true, so long as it pleases me to do so. Do you want riches? Unfathomable riches? I can make you so prosperous your mind would explode. Power? Dominion over this forest and all its minor creatures, dominion over your fellow sims, even unto Death itself? Speak it, and we shall see whether I want to make it so.”

Lehabim: “I mean, that all sounds really great, and I’d love to talk over my ideas for the village with you, but, seriously, what do I call you? It feels weird not having a way to address you.”

Dan: ::huff:: “Fine. You may call me Dan.”

Lehabim: “Dan, can I ask you something? Are there really ogres in the forest? It would be a huge help if we knew exactly what threats to be on the lookout for.”

Dan: “Ogres, elves, tomatoes, toh-mah-toes.”

Nadii’ya: “Do you ever wonder if you’ll be able to remember all the names of the new babies?” Tobiah: “Probably. Eventually. I mean, I really only need to know our kid’s name at first, right? I’m sure I’ll pick up the rest in time.” Nadii’ya: “…what if we have twins?” Tobiah: “Uhhhhhh. Then, uh oh, I suppose.”

Pallu: “So, which one is this, again?”

Stachia: “Darah. I think Darah. I think we decided if you always do everything for Darah, and I always do everything for Hasrah, then we’ll never get them confused.”

Pallu: “Right, right right right. Okay. Darah for Daddy and Hasrah for Mommy. Makes sense. We’ve got this, Stach. We each do a diaper, we each do a cuddle, we each put one down for a nap… they’ll be toddlers in no time.”

Tammuz: “Thanks for being here, Japhia. I didn’t even know how much I missed you.”

Nadii’ya: “Look at you! How did you fit inside me?! You look like a Linus. Your father missed the whole birth, so he doesn’t get a say. And I say, you look like a Linus. Hello, Linus, who’s the biggest baby to come out of the tiniest mommy? You are! Yes, you are!”

Noel: “Kimba! You’ve done it! You’ve birthed the most perfect bundle of perfection I’ve ever seen! Can I name her? Please, pretty please? I promise you’ll like what I pick!”

Kimba: “Ok, wha-”

Noel: “GAIA! The mother of the world!”

Kimba: “That’s a lot of pressure to put on one little baby, Noel. You sure?”

Noel: “Gaia! I can feel the Creator whispering it in my ear. Gaia, the first goddess. Gaia, the progenitor of the entire future. Gaia, the mother of all simulated life.“

Kimba; “Yeah, you’re right, that’s no pressure at all, love. I’m sure she’ll turn out just fine. Gaia it is, then.”

Saphir: “Tziviah, shhhhh shhh shhhh! Time for sleep, little doe! I’ll be right here next to you the whole time, and when the sun comes up, we’ll start your first day on this crazy plane of semi-existence! I have so many things I didn’t even know I wanted to teach you!”

Rubati: Literally WHAT have I gotten myself into??

#meraki tldr #back from hiatus

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nikatyler · 4 years

Photo

Quarantine, day one. I’m currently taking a break from studying. I did some phonetics and morphology in the morning, now I’m going to read a few more pages from the history book that I was supposed to finish yesterday. This one is so slow. It’s packed with facts, gives a detailed description about probably every single thing that happened in medieval Europe...and most these things are somewhat new to me because I usually only studied what directly influenced my country. Everything else was just basics to be aware of the fact that we didn’t live in a vacuum. Also, the letters in this book are really small and it’s hell to read. I look up to my screen to write down a note, then I look back at the book and I have no idea where I was. But small letters generally are hell to read for me, even here at simblr, if there are “subtitles” in the pictures and they’re tiny, I’ll probably just skip the whole story. Sorry, that was off topic. But yeah. Long story short I have dumb eyes.

I haven’t had much time to play sims. I take breaks when I’m studying, but I don’t open the game because I know I’d spend way too much time there and then I wouldn’t go back to study. And when I’m done studying, usually I don’t see a point in opening it. I’m trying to go to bed early every day so I have more time in the day. It used to be difficult for me to get up before 10am, now I usually wake up between 8-9 and I’m aiming for an even earlier time. We’ll see how that goes. But I really like it. My days are longer and I don’t feel that tired. Also, maybe sunlight is good after all...

Take care of yourself, wash your hands, stay at home if you don’t absolutely have to go out, you know how it goes. Don’t hoard toilet paper, help other people. Be nice. Follow the orders, they were made for a good reason. I’m done preaching now but seriously. Stay safe. This isn’t a joke.

amuhav replied to your post “what's your pinterest? i would love to follow it :0 I'm sorry, I won't...”

OOF, yeah, mine's conected to my facebook too and every so often I have a little heartattack when I make a new board and forget to set it to private ��

Yeah same! I’m so glad the option exists haha.

Also, I think I disconnected my Facebook successfully? Like it works here?? I thought it was impossible. But maybe after all I will share my pinterest haha.

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Everyone went crazy because Dustin Broke was at the restaurant.”

Lol, see, everyone hates Thorne Bailey but Dustin Broke is the one I dislike most ��

lmao I hate all the celebrities in this game because usually they show up and only mess with my plans

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “I opened this poll almost a month ago, closed it about two weeks ago...”

Lilith's relationships also raise really quickly due to her vampric charisma (I experienced it myself yesterday) so BC would be... "Lilith scored herself a harem" �� propably Cassandra is a good choice!

Oh yeah, I didn’t even think of that. Well, it would be kinda fun haha.

Also, off topic but that harem idea reminded me of something that happened when I was in my first year of high school. We only had one boy (and 11 girls) in our class. The first time we all took a picture together and put it up online, people were like “oooh, look at that harem he has!” Ah, 2015.

justkeeponsimming replied to your photo “I’m pretty much unable to just sit in the dark and watch a movie, I...”

Wow this is stunning! You’re so talented!

Thank youuu 🥺❤

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Do not panic guys. Do not. I have it under control. I won’t let...”

Omg ��‍♀️

Okay but do you have any idea how I panicked in that moment? 😂 It was happening again and all because Sunset was dumb and walked straight into the fire. Like father, like daughter, seriously. They know what could kill them and they do it anyway.

glammoose replied to your post “Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to get a message from the...”

It's a wild world right now. Take care of yourself and try not to panic, it only makes things worse

I’m actually strangely calm. I mean, I read the news, go on social media and think “holy shit this can’t be actually happening in the world right now”, but then I go on with my day like everything is fine. By the way, side note to everyone reading this, if you’re overwhelmed with the news and you are afraid, it’s okay. I personally think it’s important to stay informed but if it gets too much for you, just log out and take a break from all of this.

But yeah, I agree. Panic makes things worse. I wish someone explained that to certain news websites though...people started panic shopping here two weeks before we even had our first case of coronavirus...and it’s probably because one popular news website published an article saying that we should start hoarding shit in case apocalypse comes 🤦‍♀️ As far as I know it was all worded like the actual end of the world is coming...clearly many people got that message and went wild.

prossims replied to your photoset “Claudia: “Hey Zack! What are you doing here?” Zackery: “I just wanted...”

Oh she is so clueless ��

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Iris: “I bought this dress yesterday. What do you think?” Crystal:...”

Hahaha not sure if Crystal is getting the point....pretty sure she means "wear it on a date....with YOU"

Yup yup, they’re both oblivious. It pretty much runs in the family. I mean, how long did it take certain two vampires to realize that “hold up, maybe I’m in love with my best friend?!”

elisabettasims replied to your photoset “Huh. That’s weird. Turns out Iris has been here all along, and now...”

Sometimes they hide. I've had friends come home that I couldn't find on the lot, LOL. And I've had more than the one they asked come, too. Just like teens, ha ha ha.

Yeah it makes sense. I wonder though, is it supposed to be like that or is it just a glitch?

#replies #amuhav #fataleromeo #tiny-tany-thaanos #justkeeponsimming #glammoose #prossims #elisabettasims

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yakumtsaki · 7 years

Photo

CHILLIN LIKE A VILLAIN. Pleased with yourself, are you, Becky with the good hair?

-Oh quite, though I’d be more pleased if my damn arm would unglitch.

HA looks like it got stuck while you were putting your filthy hands on Wyatt. God’s punishment is swift. Know what else is gonna be swift? YOUR DEATH. Get him, Waylon Fairchild Dementia Raven Way!

-Ugh, no way, I’m exhausted, everyone is in love with me and I just want to be with Draco, ok? Why couldn’t Satan make me less beautiful? IT’S A CURSE

Waylon sis truly don’t even talk to me about curses and Satan right now, this entire lot is cursed and crawling with evil spirits and beelzebubian energies. Ever since we moved here my life has never known peace. Next thing you know snakes are gonna start manifesting in this house physically.

Well looks like the snakes are already here. FRANCES WILL YOU FUCKING STOP ALREADY YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED JOYATT IS DEAD NOW CEASE AND DESIST

-No way bitch, time to suffer. Look at it and weep, look at it with your own two eyes!

First of all I’ve been weeping since yesterday so joke’s on you. Secondly I still can’t believe you did this to me after I generously gave you this whole debonair look YOU’RE THE WORST

-La la la can’t hear you over the sound of your plans crumbling all around me!!

I’m seriously gonna murder you a thousand times. Wyatt what about you, you dumbass bimbo? What do you have to say for yourself?

-Not beaucoup, I honestly don’t know why I’m doing this, it makes absolument no sense! Huhu!

I hate you both so fucking much I might actually vomit.

Ugh my poor Jojo </3 I’m so sorry that your love life has turned into a giant pile of crap.

-Please, who cares.. Definitely not me!

Yeah well that much is obvious! Are you sure you’re alright tho? Because you look, you know. worryingly expressionless and in denial.

-Oh no, I’m just focusing on my new proposal,“Project MKUltra: The Comeback”. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I have to deal with adulterous whores again!

Good, good, pour yourself into your art. Speaking of, maybe it’s also time to pour yourself a refreshing drink?

Attaboy, milk that cowplant, Jojo!

-Hmm this process feels oddly sexual..

Yea, I can tell by your massive erection, jesus, I mean even for you-

-Ew no what the hell? That’s just because Ti-Ning is dead!

Oh ok, that’s fine then!

-YES YEEEEES I FEEL THE POWER COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS

Hard to believe anything can course through your veins with all that ice in there but alright. Now we just have to wait..

..for the cowplant to get hungry again. I literally can’t with Daniel and Gunther constantly picking fights with Jojo’s former suitors, especially since Jojo doesn’t seem to give enough of a fuck to fight them himself. We are family, I got all my sisters with me!

Ugh I keep forgetting Daniel has 9 nice points, what a crybaby. How you gonna fight capitalism when you can’t even fight Wyatt?? MAN UP DAN

Nice, there we go! I’m truly living for Brit’s utter lack of interest in fights happening next to her. Her aspiration bar is about to hit the crapper bc I’m even worse at playing popularity sims than I am at getting couples not to whore around, so the time has come..

TO PARTY HARD, TOGA STYLE. I really threw this party thinking it would be a success and save Brit from aspiration failure, so obviously the time has come to acknowledge that I’m even stupider than Wyatt. Things get off to a good enough start with the profs tickling each other, which everyone knows is the mark of a wild college party!

Ti-Ning, gone but never forgotten.

-Hey Brit, want some Ti-Ning to wash down that pizza?

-Please stop addressing me.

-That’s right, address moi instead!

NO YOU DON’T WYATT. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE

..........................................................................all I can say is LMAO

Wyatt, sweetie, full offense, exactly how dumb are you?

-What? I wanna marry Jojό! <3

Ok. Do you have any recollection of breaking his “heart” 2 hours ago, setting him on the path of a complete nervous breakdown?

-Oh, that was just a bump on la route, don’t be so dramatique!

-Does it count as a win if the only thing you put in the hole.. are your tears?

.....god.

Meanwhile and to the surprise of no one, Gunther is being sexually harassed by a professor, namely Down-With-The-Kids-Pink-Beanie.

-Sooo Gunther, half-alien professor told me all about you, you little ginger minx.. What do you say you and I adjourn somewhere private and I see if the carpet matches the drapes..

-EW forget it, lady, you’re not even in the art department and I only have one rule: no whoring without extra scoring.

Um what about the rule of monogamous dating which you are currently doing with Mel?

-RIGHT that too!

Once again...god.

The one person having a great time at this party is Kevin Beare, who eats half a pizza by himself..

..and then moves on to chips. He legit came here for the free food and didn’t talk to anyone the entire time, which is what I do at every party except with drinks. Live your truth, Kev!

Look who’s back from class and still glitched lolol

-Can you please reset me already, I had to take an exam like this!!!

Pfff grades??? There are so many more important things in life, Fran. Live a little, join the celebration.. party like there’s no tomorrow. CAUSE THERE ISN’T

I’ve no idea what happened here but Tiffany is non-stop bullying this 2006-Oliver-Sykes haired professor. Judging from Pink Beanie and sims professors in general it’s safe to say he deserves it. GET HIM TIFF

-Why doesn’t anyone want to fuck me, Frank? What am I doing wrong? Has Woody Allen been lying to us about hot young women being uncontrollably attracted to neurotic, misogynist, mediocre intellectuals over 60?

Oh great, I thought this party was gonna end as a dud but I see we’re going for full-on disaster.

-I’ve just about had enough of you and your passé casquette, communiste!

-My casquette is not passé, it’s classic!

-LADY STOP TRYING TO GET UNDER MY TOGA

-Aw come on, please? For mommy?

-You should use that line on Jojo where it might actually work!

Enemies, these bitches my enemies, not on my level so they just pretend to be, yes, why do you envy me? Cause I am the MVP, these bitches my enemies ♪

-FOR THE GLORY OF THE USSR

Yea, seems about right. Whatever though, cause after the party..

COMES THE CAKE.

Goodbye Francis, it’s been nice, hope you find your paradise!

-Oh please, SEE YOU IN HELL BITCH. WAIT FOR ME CAUSE I’M GONNA FIGHT YOU THERE TOO

It’s a beautiful morning and our llama friend is back to spread some school pride and presumably some bodily fluids. We almost went an entire day without seeing him but here he is again! GET OUT OF MELODY’S SHOWER YOU FUCKING CREEP

-FINE. YOU’RE GONNA APPRECIATE ME WHEN I’M GONE

Yea don’t worry that day is permanently coming as soon as we milk Frances out of the cowplant. Honestly this fucking llama is the last straw, the time has come for me to take back control of this house..

..starting with getting sweet, dumb Wyatt back with Jojo! I really think the Frances thing was a fluke, I mean W wasn’t in a committed relationship with Jo, he didn’t initiate it and he rolled the want to get engaged to him for the second time after it. So the whole thing = Fran’s + ACR’s fault!!!1 Also and more importantly we have literally 0 other viable options and college is almost done so it’s time for Jojo to put Lemonade on repeat and get over it.

Let’s bring out the big guns!

-Mom! it’s so good to hear your insufferably domineering voice. Did you get my latest murder pics?

-Ha! Yes they are great, thank you mom. Soon I’ll add the french courtesan to my album. Now tell me, in as much detail as possible, how proud of me you are!

-I don’t know how Wyatt is doing, he’s the french courtesan, I’m going to kill him! Are you even listening to me?

-What do you mean it’s probably my fault? Can you divorce dad already, his influence on your brain has been catastrophic.

-Love is a battlefield? Mom seriously. Divorce. Now.

-Ugh yes, I could imprison him in a gigantic safe for a few days instead of killing him, but what on earth would that achieve?

-Well I don’t care about having a husband! Worst case scenario, I’ll just marry Max!

-Yes, Max does look like dad. Yes, he is as dumb as him. YES, MOM, I KNOW. HONESTLY YOU’RE ONE TO TALK

-Well, I have to go now, but you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. And by that I mean which care home to put you in cause you’ve obviously lost it. Goodbye, mother.

As soon as Jojo hangs up the phone Melody runs over to autonomously lecture him. Nice move, Mel, let’s peer pressure him till he caves!

-Jojo this is an intervention but please don’t mistake it as me actually caring about you. Your bullshit harem drama has taken over the entire greek house storyline and enough is enough, we demand equal airtime. Just forgive Wyatt already, he’s too hot for you and you were literally dating 2 other dudes at the same time and you also treated him like shit and you are the worst and Gunther is the best and he’s gonna beat you for heir. Melody out.

Yes, powerful stuff, thank you, Mel. Now Wyatt, let’s apologize!

-I’m so sorry I kissed Frances, Jojό, I don’t know what I was thinking </3

That’s a great start Wyatt, now let’s try it facing the right way!

-I’m so sorry I kissed Frances, Jojό, I don’t know what I was thinking </3 Also I’m totally planning our wedding in my head you right now.

Ok, smaller steps, let’s get him to not hate you first!

If there’s one thing I hate about ts2 it’s how ridiculously hard it is to be forgiven for cheating, shit is unreal. Wyatt has been apologizing for about 3 years now and Jojo is still furious jfc, it’s legit easier to get forgiven for cheating irl than it is in this game.

-For the thousandth time, I’m so so sorry Jojό, honestly in the dark of the nuit at first I thought Frances was you and then it was too late!

-Yes, it was also broad daylight.

-Well you know I have bad eyesight, mon cheri :(

Wyatt seriously, we’ve reached the point where you’re throwing junk out there, so let’s take a break..

..from this fucking house! It’s date time! Time for dinner and public woohoo in that vegan restaurant downtown, cause I’ve ignored Gunther so hard his aspiration is currently scarlet red. Mel is doing great though, like all knowledge sims in uni, she’s legit never not-platinum. The adorable couple make themselves right at home, by doing literally what they do at home 20h a day. NOT WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR GET UP

-Maybe if we act like children they’ll think we’re under 12 and we’ll get a discount!

-We’re so in sync, babe, I brought my monster trucks with me for this very eventuality!

-Here, let me blow you a kiss, babe. A prelude of tonight’s blowing.

-Honestly, every time you talk, I just see the eggplant emoji <3

I didn’t vomit from Wyatt/Frances but this date might actually do the trick!

-Do you think the waiter is mad that we insisted on lobster in a vegan restaurant and he had to go fishing for it?

-Whatever, babe, we deserve it.

-We really do. I ship us.

-I ship us too <3

Good because I don’t anymore.

Yaas, aspiration problems taken care of! Mel’s shy ass hilariously had a fear of having her photo taken, but public fornication she has no issue with.

-Having your photo taken is unnatural! I’m just using the photo booth as god intended.

Ofc, on the 6th day, god created the photobooth for people to publicly fuck in.

-Wow Mel, my reflection in your sunglasses is so beautiful.

-So is mine in yours, babe.

-I almost wish we could look into each other’s eyes but then it’d ruin our whole look. You know what, screw it..

-..I was gonna wait till we graduated it and were more mature and crap like that, but whatever, babe, when it’s right, you know. Will you marry me, Melody Tinker, despite the certainty that one or more of our kids will get the Komei nose?

-Oh my god, Gunther! I literally thought you’d never ask, because, let’s be real, you’re a gigantic slut.

-These days are gone, babe, I’m a changed man!

-This ring has been in my family for half a generation, ever since my mom stole it from Florence Delarosa who was obviously never gonna need it.

-Oh it’s beautiful and the fact it’s stolen makes it even more precious!

It’s morphin time! Let’s pretend the red around Gunther’s memory signifies passion and not a crippling fear of commitment. Congrats you gross, crazy kids!

It’s also morphine time, cause damn are we broke as shit. In hindsight perhaps we shouldn’t have gotten the lobster.

We return home, where I’m trying to fulfill Jojo’s longstanding wish to see Ti-Ning’s ghost but apparently Ti-Ning is an even bigger asshole dead than he was alive. Bitch seems to be deliberately refusing to scare Jojo, I mean we’ve been standing around playing ghostbusters for like 4 hours now and it’s just not happening-

-but some scary shit IS happening inside. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS.

-What!? We’re just talking about our mutual interest in entertainment.

Brit seriously, don’t make me kill you cause I’ll do it, I’m kinda on a roll here and completely exhausted from this fuckery.

-Gawd, fine, I’m gonna go to sleep.

GO TO A DIFFERENT BED. I’ve noticed a sudden and disturbing reappearance of slutty wants in Gunther’s panel immediately after the engagement, which I’m guessing is some kind of regression back to his usual pattern, like he’s rolling wants to woohoo 10 sims and makeout with another 20 and idek. It’s extremely pissing me off and it’s also extremely not happening.

I JUST SAID IT’S NOT HAPPENING. FUCKING STOP IT.

-We’re just friends!!! Paranoid much?

CAN YOU BLAME ME

Look here, THIS is the distance I wanna see between you two. It’s also NOT the distance I wanna see between Wyatt and Jojo, man this apology shit is taking fucking forever UGGGH

-Jojό, are you still mad at me?

-What do you think?

-No?

-Guess again.

-No?

-Ugh.

-Oh Jojό, I know you hate me but I’m gonna keep apologizing for the rest of ma vie, cause I really have nothing better to do. And also because je t’aime, Jojό. Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold cœur?

YES. FUCKING FINALLY. I HEAR HEARTS I HEAR HEARTS!!!!!

THEY’RE JUST NOT COMING FROM THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!11

KILL ME. I WILL PAY SOMEONE TO KILL ME. DON’T TELL ME WHEN YOU’RE COMING JUST SHOW UP AND DO IT. TAKE MY CAT ON THE WAY OUT AND FIND HIM A GOOD HOME. I’M DONE.

#ts2 #union legacy

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katedoesfics · 4 years

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StrangerVille | Chapter 4

It wasn’t hard to find Erwin. In one of her babbling moments, Morgan had explained to Jayson how she met Erwin at a little, run down shed where all the conspiracy theorists seemed to hang out, like a club of some sort. Siobhan had murmured something about it being more like a cult, so Jayson shouldn’t have been surprised when he saw a few of them gathered together with strainers on their heads. He had to choke back a laugh, turning it into a cough and cleared his throat as Erwin met his gaze.

“Oh, it’s the bodyguard.” He turned away from Jayson. “Here to mock me like everyone else?”

“No,” Jayson started. He frowned, feeling bad for the guy. “No, actually, I wanted to ask you something.”

Erwin glanced at him over his shoulder, then looked him up and down, determining whether Jayson was being genuine or not. “What?”

“Only an idiot wouldn’t see all the weird vans and shit around town,” he said. “What do you make of it?”

Erwin’s gaze narrowed. “Why do you ask?”

Jayson hesitated. “Because I saw one at the trailer park by my house,” he said.

“When?”

“Last night.”

“What happened?” Erwin pressed.

“They took someone and drove off.” He shrugged. “Didn’t look like they were going out for fucking tea.”

“Just random sims?”

Jayson’s gaze narrowed. “What do you know?”

Erwin walked down the street and Jayson turned to follow him.. “What did you see?”

Jayson hesitated. “I don’t know,” he said softly. “The other day… he was acting… weird.”

Erwin nodded, as if he understood.

“What’s wrong with him?” Jayson asked. “Where are they taking him?”

“I don’t know,” Erwin admitted. “No one knows. Well, not us townies, anyway. I’m sure some of those scientists that worked in the lab know.” He shrugged.

“You think it has to do with why the lab was shut down?” Jayson asked.

Erwin nodded. “If you want any information, you’d have to get it from them. Or one of the military personnel.”

“I don’t exactly want to get involved in anything,” Jayson said warily.

“Then don’t,” Erwin replied in a disinterested tone.

“Don’t you think someone should? Like, maybe the police?”

Erwin snorted. “You think we haven’t tried that?” he said. He rolled his eyes. “They blew us off. This whole thing reeks of some kinda cover up. Something’s going on, and they don’t want us to know.”

“What would they have to gain from that?”

Erwin shrugged. “World domination? It could literally be anything. And those answers are kept inside that lab.”

“So, why don’t you do something about it?”

He barked out a short laugh. “Right. Look at me. Look at us.” He sighed. “What are we gonna be able to do about it? We’re just… weird people with weird ideas and no one takes us seriously. We have no other skills that could get us anywhere.” He glanced at Jayson. “We’re not all the bodyguard type like you.”

“You say that as if I have some skill you don’t.”

“Look,” Erwin started. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but if I were female, I’d do you.”

“Uh, thanks?”

“You’re tall, dark, handsome.” He poked Jayson’s biceps. “Muscular. But not overkill, you know? Enough where you could definitely kick someone’s ass, but not too much where you look like a dick. You probably don’t really work out, except that drinking arm, lifting beers and kegs and whatever you attractive guys do. You’re charismatic. Way more than I am, anyway. Can talk to the ladies no problem. Hell, I bet you could make friends like it was nothing. Charm. You got charm. You could get what you want, when you want, for nothing more than that pearly white grin.”

“Do you want my number or something?”

Erwin rolled his eyes and turned away. “I got sidetracked,” he said quickly. “I’m just saying. We’re losers. You’re not.”

“What… No… But… what does that have to do with anything?”

Erwin shrugged. “If you wanted to do something about what’s going on here, you’d have way more success than we would.”

“Because you think I’m hot?”

“I don’t think you're hot!” Erwin stammered. “I have a girlfriend, you know!”

Jayson sighed. “Alright. Look. You think way too highly of me. I’m basically a nobody, too.”

“Thanks,” Erwin muttered.

“No, I mean.” Jayson hesitated. “Look. You have way more going for you. At least you have something you believe in, you know? All I’m saying is that I don’t think I’d have any more luck. You don’t know me.”

Erwin shrugged. “I don’t care what you do. But don’t bother me with your stupid questions if you don’t care.”

Jayson bit his lip. “I kinda care.”

“I know.”

Jayson regarded him with an unamused glance. “You’re a pain in the ass. I mean, how do you see something like that and not care? What the fuck is wrong with those people?”

Erwin met his gaze, but his eyes were fearful. “And how long is it going to take until it happens to us?”

Jayson hesitated. “I don’t know how much help I can be,” he started. “But I’ll see what kind of info I can dig up. I’ll try to get that keycard back. After that, it’s up to you.”

Erwin turned away from him. “Careful,” he said. “Or you’ll get hooked like the rest of us.”

“I’m not a conspiracy theorist!”

*****

Sleep didn’t come to Jayson that night, his mind buzzing erratically with all he had witnessed and learned the last two days. Something was definitely going on, that much he was sure of. He didn’t think it would be easy to get any information from any of the military personnel or the scientists in town, and most of the information he had gathered from the residents were more or less the same stories sprinkled with wild exaggerations. The newspapers were useless, and he found even less information online with the exception of conspiracy theory blogs. And from what he could gather, even those were monitored closely. It seemed posts that contained valuable information - in one instance, images of the missing newspaper articles - were deleted completely. And even though more blogs were made quickly in an attempt to keep this information public, whoever was behind keeping the mystery a secret was quick to shut those down, too. All he could do was trust in the knowledge of the residents. And if he wanted to get any further, he would need to break into the lab.

Jayson spent the next morning brainstorming ways to get a keycard. He couldn’t be sure who had the keycard he needed: the one with the black dot on it. That was his first step in his new mission. One thing he was certain of: he couldn’t just go around pick-pocketing lab members and military personnel, or he would quickly find himself like Erwin, and he couldn’t afford to raise any suspicions from them. He basically had one shot at this, and he had to get it right. It seemed Erwin was right - he would have to work his charm and casually attempt to befriend them enough to get them to spill.

He spent the afternoon at the bar in his usual corner, drinking quietly and paying close attention to the patrons that wandered in and out. He opted to study them for the next several days, looking for patterns in their routines. After two days of this, he started casual conversation with them as they came to the bar to order rounds. And within a week, a few of them had taken to joining him at the bar to chat. It seemed they had grown tired of interacting with their colleagues day in and day out and they eagerly grasped at the opportunity to chat with someone new.

One particular sim was an older, gruff military man named Kenny. Jayson found him relatively easy to talk to, and it wasn’t long before he started to open up to Jayson.

“You’re a good kid, Jayson,” Kenny said one night after finishing his beer in one large gulp. “But if I were you, I’d be careful who you hang out with.”

“Why’s that?”

Kenny used his empty beer bottle to point at Jayson. “This is a small town,” he went on. “It’s not easy to hide, yanno. Everyone knows everyone, and word gets around quick.”

Jayson drank, waiting for Kenny to continue.

“That Erwin kid has caused a lot of problems around here.”

“Has he?”

“Those conspiracy theorists are all the same,” Kenny said in an annoyed tone. “They all have these wild ass imaginations and they think they can save the world.”

“So, you think the world needs saving?”

Kenny met his gaze briefly, then pulled away.

“Course not,” he said. “But for some reason, they think it does.”

Jayson paused to drink. “They probably wouldn’t think that way if things were normal around here.” He glanced at Kenny, checking his expression. “I mean, you’d have to be pretty oblivious not to see the weird shit going on.”

Kenny shrugged one shoulder. “What Roswell does is of no concern to anyone in this

town.” Jayson raised a brow and Kenny quickly cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with how much he had revealed.

“People need to learn to mind their own damn business,” he muttered.

“Sounds to me that maybe you’re working too hard to keep them quiet,” Jayson said pointedly. “You seem awfully afraid of a couple of conspiracy theorists.”

“We have enough on our plate,” Kenny said defensively. “We don’t need to be wasting our time cleaning up after their dumb rumors.”

“Like covering up Roswell’s shit?”

Kenny glared at Jayson. “So, you’re one of them after all?”

Jayson let a sly smile pull at his lips. “No,” he said. “But you haven’t exactly denied any of it, either.”

Kenny held his gaze on Jayson for a long moment, and Jayson shifted uneasily in his seat.

“C’mon, man,” he muttered. “I’m just fucking around with you. Don’t be such a tightass.”

Kenny turned to the bartender and motioned for another drink. With a full bottle in hand, he spoke. “I’ve been in the military for a long time,” he said in a tired tone. “I’ve seen things I wish I never had. I’ve disagreed with how things were done around here, but I always kept quiet, because it wasn’t my job to argue.” He paused to drink. “Between you and me, those conspiracy theorists are far stronger and braver than I could ever be. They’re an odd bunch, sure, but I have respect for them. At least they stand up for what they believe in.” He frowned down at the counter. “That’s more than I could say for myself.”

“What are you saying?”

Kenny shrugged. “Not everything is as it seems. And it's about time someone does something about it before Roswell kills us all.”

#the sims #ts4 #the sims 4 #fic #fanfic #strangerville

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tessatechaitea · 5 years

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Team Titans #13

I'm not saying there should be a version of Let's Make a Deal where awful things happen to people who choose the wrong curtain but I am saying I'd lie to people's faces when I told them I absolutely do not watch it.

I just lost the ability to orgasm.

It's too bad I can't orgasm now that I saw Deathwing's nipples and tongue because the next few panels are of Mirage bending over in her underwear! Sure, she's traumatized and puking from the time Deathwing raped her. But she's in her underwear! If artists didn't want me to masturbate to hot characters in their underwear, they shouldn't draw them so sexy! They should make them obviously horrified and in pain and anguish which probably means concentrating on their face instead of their asses and pudenda. Like the way they drew Deathwing in the above panel. Nobody is going to masturbate over that! Unless they're a gay male into really flamboyant men just barely exposing their rock hard nipples and hiding in showers. They also need to love sharp spikes just over the mouth giving them a thoroughly satisfying blowjob. Just because I was turned off by Deathwing's appearance doesn't mean I can't recognize his blowjob expertise. Donna is concerned that Mirage needs to see a doctor and maybe a therapist because of her traumatic experience. But Battalion, being a rational male who knows the inherent manipulation within all social justice story arcs in super hero comic books is...well wait a second. Isn't social justice the point of all the story arcs?! What the fuck is the point that comicsgaters are trying to get across? "We just want to see people punching each other in tight costumes! I don't want any of that shit where the heroes are trying to make the world a better place! Just stop the robberies and leave the racism and sexism for your feminist romance novels!" scream the comicsgater strawman character I just invented (whom I'm certain isn't actually a strawman at all and pretty close to the mark). Um, anyway, Battalion's reaction comes off a bit cold and patriarchal.

Here's a small hint about the word patriarchal for the anti-feminists: it's not the same as saying men. The majority of mothers in the 70s would probably have had the same reaction as Battalion to their child being sexually assaulted. "Oh dear. It's just boys being boys. Run some water over it and have some ice cream. You'll feel better in a few hours."

Donna, being a social justice Titan, can't let Battalion have the last word. She's all, "She needs to see a doctor! And probably a therapist! And get an AIDS test!" And just like that, it's an after-school special on HIV!

This was in 1993. Is this what Comicsgaters mean when they want to go back to old school comic books? Because if that's their argument, I don't think they have an argument! Although if their argument is that this kind of thing ruins the comic book, they obviously haven't read the rest of the comic book. This might be the best bit!

So the conversation about whether or not Mirage should see a doctor and a therapist after being sexually assaulted ends with Battalion declaring he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Why isn't this guy the poster child for the Comicsgate movement? Ugh! Enough about those creeps. I'll save really discussing them when I reread Cerebus! If you want to see what happens when a guy believes feminism means completely overthrowing the patriarchy and establishing a matriarchy and what he thinks that would look like, you'll love Cerebus! I love a lot about Cerebus but Dave Sim doesn't come across as logical as he believes he is. It seems a large part of his anti-feminist philosophy stems from the fact that he doesn't believe relationships benefit anybody and since he's a cis-hetero man, that means the problem is women. He claims he's not a misogynist but then acts offended (or whatever the "rational" expression of "offended" is (because he's not emotional!)) when somebody calls him one after his conclusion from research on Mothers and Daughters is that women are dull and uninteresting if he doesn't want to fuck them. I mean, a lot of men are dull and uninteresting too but he doesn't see that as a problem because he never wants to fuck men. If a man is interesting and he enjoys being around that man, the man becomes a friend. If it were a woman, that woman would become somebody he wants to fuck. I'm not sure what his thoughts on a woman who he isn't attracted to that's interesting. Maybe he never finds out because he's all, "Ugh! I don't want to fuck that! She sucks!" Also Dave has been celibate for like twenty years or something so, at the very least, he's putting his dick where his mouth is. Oh man that sounded hot. Calendar Man and Clock King break out Chronos to join their catering business. If they wind up just being criminals, I'm going to be severely disappointed. They could really start a fantastic business by combining their powers. Stiff competition? Just go back in time and start your business earlier! Need to provide products by a certain time? Who better than these jerks?! Need additional resources? Travel to the future and borrow against your future earnings! They could be such a success! But I have a feeling they're just going to rob a bank. And then the SJW hits just keep coming! Fucking Team Titans! I'm trying to avoid noticing social justice concerns in comic books the Comicsgaters hold up as the pinnacle of the genre!

"Look! A confederate flag! That just means we'll have lots of southern things to discuss!" says Charlie who is in for a racist shock about what the flag really means, at least in our timeline.

Dressed as women, the Time Buddies pick up Time Commander from an insane asylum.

Aha! This is more like it! Back to the days before male nurses existed!

Later that night, Donna Troy and Terry Long fuck and I finally think, "Writer Jeff Jensen, you've gone too far!" And Jeff Jensen replies (I imagine), "Too far? Wait until you hear Terry's thoughts on the sex!"

I hope the "Mmmmm!" is because of something he found in the fridge and not a memory of what Donna did to his dick.

Team Titans #13 Rating: A few other things happened but does it really matter? I can't actually retain anything else after Terry Long thinking about how wild his sex life is. I know I'm not speaking for anybody else and that this might be a little insensitive but the above panel is more traumatic to me than Mirage being sexually assaulted by Deathwing. I'm not saying it should be more traumatic for everybody! I'm just saying it was for me and nobody can deny me my pain and suffering! On the other hand, it's canon that Calendar Man enjoys wearing bras. So this was a pretty historic issue of DC Comics.

#Team Titans #Teen Titans #DC Comics #Comic Book Reviews

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theconservativebrief · 6 years

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Every week, Vox critic at large Todd VanDerWerff and culture writer Karen Han get together to discuss the latest episode of NBC’s loopy comedy The Good Place. This week, they’re discussing the sixth episode of the third season, “The Ballad of Donkey Doug.” (Because the first two episodes aired as one installment, the episode number is one ahead of the number of weeks the show has aired.) Spoilers follow! Proceed with caution if you haven’t seen the episode!

Karen Han: While watching “The Ballad of Donkey Doug,” I was reminded of what Todd said a couple weeks ago about the early part of the season, in that it seemed like The Good Place was going to have to put on its running shoes and sprint in order to ever surpass the high bar it had previously set for itself, and shake off the relatively slow start to the season. While “The Ballad of Donkey Doug” actually made me tear up — and laugh out loud more than once — I’m not sure it reflected the show hitting the stride that we thought it would.

That the gang is split up into smaller groups isn’t as much of a sore spot here as it was in previous episodes (Eleanor, Chidi, and Janet go one way; Tahani, Jason, and Michael go another), but not having everyone together still slows down the action. Watching Eleanor and Chidi workshop how Chidi could break up with Simone was both sad and hysterical (who hasn’t had to deal with that kind of anxiety?) but it felt like filler to me. Removing Simone from the equation seemed designed to inch the season’s plot forward while keeping Eleanor and Chidi in the episode, as Jason’s journey to help Donkey Doug — who was revealed to be his dad — allowed the episode to meet its moral development quota.

Or maybe I’m still adjusting to the fact that The Good Place has fundamentally altered its characters’ motivation. Now that they can’t get into the Good Place, more of their energy is directed toward helping other people, rather than toward their own self-improvement.

Then again, that’s why Jason’s storyline works. It’s the deepest dive the show has taken into his past to date, and, like Chidi’s break-up, though all the Florida insanity is funny, it’s semi-tragic, too. I mean, the fact that Jason calls his dad Donkey Doug stems not from how dope the nickname is but from the fact that his dad doesn’t really dig the idea of taking on a father’s responsibility.

I feel like my conflicting emotions about the episode are driving me into Chidi “I’ve made my decision, I want … to start crying” territory. Todd, maybe you had a little more success in parsing it all out.

Here’s another photo of Tahani, though Michael is also in this one. Colleen Hayes/NBC

Todd VanDerWerff: “The Ballad of Donkey Doug,” so far as I can tell, represents The Good Place’s new status quo. Instead of being about its characters trying to help themselves, it’s now going to be about them trying to help their other loved ones, the better to help said loved ones avoid the Bad Place. Which isn’t bad as a premise for trapping everyone on Earth, even if it kinda leaves Michael and Janet without a lot to do. (Janet makes up for it by saying, “Bing!” every time she does something, because she misses her sound effects so.)

That may be why the Chidi side of this episode, which I would agree wasn’t on the same level as the Jason side of the episode, felt a little extraneous. Yeah, we probably need to know what happens to Simone, but I’m not sure an entire B-plot was necessary in the end. Plus, it’s wrapping up old business, instead of exploring new ideas.

It’s mostly an excuse to set up the fact that Janet has constructed an elaborate virtual reality simulation, which means she can effectively put people in an unreal world to test things out. This lets the show keep some of its “wild and surreal things can happen” tone, but almost everything that happened in the Chidi half of “The Ballad of Donkey Doug” seemed like it was blazing along at light speed, so I never had the chance to go, “Wait, what?” Maybe the breakneck pace was meant to gloss over Janet inventing seamless virtual reality, but I still felt like the show was on step 17 when I was still on step one.

(Sidebar: So far, it hasn’t broken the show, but the fact that Janet is functionally omniscient feels like something the writers either have to lean into or work hard to neutralize. So far, they’ve done neither and haven’t quite nailed the balance.)

That said, the Jason side of “The Ballad of Donkey Doug” is truly wonderful. The reveal that Donkey Doug is Jason’s dad is terrifically funny, and Michael and Tahani’s utter amusement at all of the circumstances of Jason’s upbringing made the story click even more. If this sort of story is where The Good Place is headed, I’m intrigued. If, instead, we’re just going to see a bunch more attempts to recreate the wild, anything goes atmosphere of the afterlife here on Earth, the show might start to chase its own tail too much for me.

Karen: I do wonder if we’re seeing a case of Chekov’s virtual reality simulation, given that there’s never a Good Place detail that hasn’t turned out to serve a purpose. (Or maybe I’m just overinvested in Eleanor’s Jason Statham fantasy. Girl, same!)

I’m also not entirely convinced that the new ideas we’re seeing are new enough. Jason’s half of the episode really was great (his tearful secret handshake with Pillboy is a work of art), but it looks like The Good Place is setting up what I’m going to refer to as a video game scenario: We’re seeing the characters help other people, yes, but they’re doing so by working through their own stories in a way that doesn’t feel organic so much as it feels like steps leading up to a grand finale. Jason has achieved closure, now it’s time for Tahani and Eleanor to do the same.

I think that’s why I was ultimately disappointed that “The Ballad of Donkey Doug” ended on the reveal that Eleanor’s mother is still alive, not least because it means the gang will be divided up once more. The only upside is that what comes next looks like it will be evenly balanced, as opposed to one side of the episode functioning as pure fluff, à la Chidi’s ordeal this week.

On that same token, though, what you said about The Good Place being on step 17 while we’re still on step one is enough to make me reconsider. Again, this is a show that does everything deliberately; so far, nothing is without a purpose, and maybe I should trust that this season is built the same way.

Lest we forget, everyone is still on the Judge’s shit list, which means there’s a cosmic reckoning waiting for them at some point. And I get the feeling that season three won’t end until we see some more moral hemming and hawing from our party’s supernatural contingent of Michael and Janet. Or maybe I’ll just end up eating my hat on all of this.

That baseball cap is great. Colleen Hayes/NBC

Todd: No, you’re right on that account, and the video game idea is astute. The characters are embarking on some side-quests to help characters who drop in pretty much for a single episode, then leave the narrative. I mean, I’d love to see Donkey Doug and Pillboy become series regulars, but it strikes me as unlikely.

There’s also the rub that the characters can’t tell anybody about the whole Good Place/Bad Place system, because that would make it impossible for anyone they tell to get into the Good Place. That pesky little detail complicates every relationship they have with anybody who isn’t one of the other series regulars.

The Good Place has always been a pretty insular show, but at least in the afterlife, we had figures like the Judge and Trevor and Vicky and on and on, characters who would pop in just frequently enough to keep the story moving. So far, the Earthbound antics haven’t developed the same set of supporting characters, and any time someone like Trevor ends up hanging out with our heroes, he’s quickly written out.

I think the virtual reality of it “The Ballad of Donkey Doug” bugged me just a little bit because — so far, at least — it has no bearing on the show’s larger reality. It was fun to watch William Jackson Harper run through a bunch of possible versions of breaking up with Simone, just as it was fun to see Kristen Bell play Eleanor slowly realizing she’s into Simone, at least in the simulation. (And, really, why don’t more men say they’re bisexual? It’s 2018!) But it’s inherently a story that runs in place, a comedic conceit that works in a scene but can’t carry a whole storyline. Chidi’s gutted feeling when he finally does break up with Simone is inherently more interesting, but the show buzzes right by it.

And yet the virtual reality stuff made me think about the simulation hypothesis, which Elon Musk (a particularly loathsome Tahani ex, it turns out) was obsessed with for a while there. The idea is that we live in an incredibly advanced simulation, created by descendants of people very like us, designed by them to get a sort of window into their past. It posits that we are, in essence, the Sims, but with autonomy. Or something like that.

The major philosophical question raised by the simulation hypothesis is — how do we behave morally if we live in a simulation? And the answer is simple: It doesn’t matter. The moral code you live by doesn’t change one iota, because even if you’re somehow aware of the simulation, it doesn’t make the people around you, or your interactions with them, less real. You still have a responsibility to them. We all still owe each other kindness and sincerity.

So maybe there’s more to “The Ballad of Donkey Doug” than I’m giving it credit for. But nearly halfway through season three, I’m increasingly concerned The Good Place is trying to extend its old heavenly delights to the planet Earth and struggling with just how little our reality affords those kinds of opportunities. In the Good Place, you can jet all over the universe in an instant. On Earth, it still takes the better part of a day to get from Australia to Florida, to say nothing of going back again.

Original Source -> The Good Place settles into a new status quo in “The Ballad of Donkey Doug”

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief

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fashiontrendin-blog · 6 years

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Period Cramps and Pesto Pasta: A Day in Haley’s Life During Fashion Week

http://fashion-trendin.com/period-cramps-and-pesto-pasta-a-day-in-haleys-life-during-fashion-week/

Period Cramps and Pesto Pasta: A Day in Haley’s Life During Fashion Week

I suppose my Saturday technically started at 12:01 a.m., at my brother’s apartment in Bushwick, as I sat on his couch waiting for my SIM card to breathe life into his old phone. It was old and wouldn’t stay charged for more than six hours, but it didn’t have a shattered camera lens as mine now did after my attempt at a fashion week hat trick: leave a show, put on a coat, whine on the phone about my period migraine. Suffice it to say, it didn’t work out and everything was going great. Here’s how the next day went.

Saturday, February 10th, 7:48 a.m.: Friday was so long and I stayed up so late working that I decided to treat myself to an 8:30 a.m. alarm., but I woke up before 8 a.m. due to sleepy delusions that I’d ruined Man Repeller. My subconscious knew we had two stories going live that morning that I had yet to edit.

8:30 a.m.: After fake-sleeping for 42 minutes, I got up, grabbed my computer, and brought it back to bed to work from there, which I sometimes do on the weekends, even though I know I’m not supposed to.

9:44 a.m.: I ‘ve just finished editing and scheduling the stories. I close my laptop and pretend to sleep for five more minutes, then get the hell up because I have to do an outfit recipe for Man Repeller’s Instagram.

9:50 a.m.: I send my boyfriend packing to get us coffees because I don’t want him creeping in the background of my filming and also the thought of him watching stresses me out. The cat can stay though.

10:05 a.m.: I jump in the shower.

10:20 – 11 a.m.: I get dressed on Instagram, which sounds creepy but involves no skin. I end up wearing this:

The answer to my caption is yes.

11:15 a.m.: I do a final edit on another story, email the writer to let her know, then respond to other emails.

11:30 a.m.: Avi comes back with coffees like the angel that he is. We head out to get some food, preferably somewhere with wifi so I can get a little more work done.

11:35 – 1 p.m.: Our joyous morning outing entails:

-Avi getting anxious about stuff he needs to do, I think possibly as a direct result of my being anxious about stuff I need to do.

-Us passing our anxieties back and forth, empathizing with each other and discussing realistic solutions like hopping on a flight back to California where we were last weekend. (It was 70 degrees.)

-Stopping for breakfast at a cafe in Williamsburg where the food is bad and the wifi sucks, which improves our moods a great deal.

1:20 p.m.: It dawns on me that I’m already running late for a show — Eckhaus Latta — which starts at 2 p.m. but which is luckily close to my house. We rush home.

2:05 p.m.: I get to Eckhaus Latta on time. It’s in a huge and beautiful warehouse space in Bushwick.

There are cool looks and camel coats aplenty. A baby in the front row cries in the middle of the show and has to be rushed out like a tiny, hungry prince.

2:45 p.m.: The show ends. I mentally note how much I’ve enjoyed the casting so far this season; it’s felt less box-checky than usual, in regards to race and age, and I’ve seen a lot of makeup-free models and bodies similar to those I see in the wild.

3 p.m.: I walk home nearly doubled over with period cramps. I decide they are the worst period cramps I’ve ever had (but I always say that).

3-4 p.m.: I crawl back into bed like Gollum. I don’t move for an hour, I feel genuinely relaxed and like I could stay there until Monday. (I know I’m dramatic but, after a week of 12-hour work days and poor sleep, I feel tired in the marrow of my bones.)

4:15 p.m.: I map how long it will take me to get to Spring Studios by train for Jonathan Simkhai: 40 minutes. Given I am in bed, I am basically already late.

5:25 p.m.: I get to Jonathan Simkhai and it’s a madhouse! Intimidating, but thank god Harling is here. I find my seat next to her and we spy one Joan Smalls in the front row while we wait for the show to start. Later I see this amazing video of Phoebe Robinson feeling awkward sitting nearby and am utterly tickled, because I felt like that sitting near her just two days prior at Creatures of Comfort.

5:55 p.m.: Harling and I regrettably part ways (she has a show uptown), and I have a two-and-a-half-hour break, for which I have nothing to do.

6 p.m.: I call my sister to see if I can come hang out with her — I miss her and she lives in Nolita — but she doesn’t answer. I decide to walk to Man Repeller HQ instead, like a loser. I call my mom, she doesn’t answer.

6:05 p.m.: I call my friend Adrea and apologize for missing her birthday party the night before. We talk for awhile and it’s really nice.

6:30 p.m.: I get to the office. It’s dark and empty and silent. Since I live in a basement with no door and have three roommates upstairs who are home a lot, I never feel totally alone, and I never quite get the satisfaction of closing a door on the world to complete solitude. Right now, the office offers that, and after a week of overstimulation, it feels like ecstasy. I’m suddenly so excited I have two hours to kill until Pyer Moss at 8:30 p.m.

I don’t even have my laptop, so I can’t work! I take a selfie.

6:42 p.m.: I get a big-ass bowl of pesto pasta from across the street. I’m really hungry after mostly not eating all day. (Remember, breakfast was bad and I gave most of it to Avi.)

6:48 p.m.: I put on David Letterman’s new Netflix show and watch him talk to George Clooney for an hour, which is surprisingly entertaining. I decide that I, too, would have changed my whole life for Amal. I eat some of Edith’s ice cream cake. This is a really cool Saturday night.

8:05 p.m.: Time to go! Should be a 20-minute walk or so. I realize my phone is dying so I steal Matt’s charge cord (sorry Matt, I’ll bring it back!) and head out.

8:25 p.m.: As I approach Spring Studios, I run into Aemilia (Madden, not Diamond), who I like and know through various industry events. She indicates I’m walking the wrong way and I panic and say I have to make a phone call, which is an anxious lie.

8:28 p.m.: I come to my senses and meet Aemilia in line and remember how nice it is to know people at fashion events. Her friend knows someone in PR who is working Pyer Moss and gets us to the front of the line, which is fun but I feel undeserving.

8:35 p.m.: I’m in my assigned seat now, feeling slightly awkward but enjoying all the good outfits in the front row. I decide to introduce myself to the guy next to me.

Me: Hi! I’m Haley.

Him: Hi! I’m Josh.

Me: Nice to meet you, where do you work?

Him: *turns away and talks to his one million friends*

Me: *pretends to cough*

9 p.m.: Show starts. Holy shit there is a live gospel choir here!

9:15 p.m.: The show is moving, political and beautiful. The clothes are so good, but they’re almost secondary. Robin Givhan says it best:

9:35 p.m.: I’m outside, it’s raining, and I realize I left my umbrella under my seat. (Good thing I’m wearing a detachable hood!) I hurry to the subway — I have 45 minutes of trains to take home. I spend them reading Maureen Dowd’s New York Times piece on Uma Thurman, which is great.

10:22 p.m.: I’m home, I’m home!!! I immediately put on sweats, do my skincare routine and brush my teeth. Just as I’m about to get in bed, I remember we have two stories going up tomorrow that I haven’t edited. I go to my desk and work for an hour.

11:35 p.m.: OKAY now I’m ready to sleep.

11:37 p.m.: I get in bed and have never been more comfortable in my whole life. I’m such a baby — this day wasn’t even that crazy, but I decide I just might sleep forever. Good night!

Photos via Haley Nahman.

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amazimgdaniel-blog · 7 years

Text

Home Renovation

I lay in my bed, procrastinating on whether or not I want to get up and make a YouTube video.

I haven’t made one in a couple of weeks but I still vote against it, the thoughts about my long term crush will make everything hard today.

Everything.

I’ve had a crush on him since the day I felt his first hug. It was warm and comforting, despite the chilly October weather.

Speak of the devil, as if on cue, he strolls into my room.

“Hey, Dan—”

I struggle to pull the duvet over my shirtless body in a panic, but it was stuck on my toes. “Agh! What happened to knocking?!”

Phil laughed at me as I got out of my bed. I walked over to my wardrobe. I heard the door click as it closed, and I didn’t bother to look back.

Suddenly, I heard a knock on my door.

I chuckled slightly, feeling my cheeks heat up. “Come in, you spoon.”

Phil laughed and reopened my door, stepping inside.

“Do you want to make a Sims video today?”

I thought about it for a second. The way my feelings were acting today, it probably wasn’t the right way to go. What if I said something that shared my feelings for him?

“No, I’m not really up to it today, sorry Phil.” I heard him sigh behind me. “But tomorrow! We can tomorrow.”

I hated making Phil upset. It was like stepping on a puppy’s paw. I turned around to face him.

“You promise?”

I sighed. It wasn’t like I could say no. “I promise.”

He smiled, “Okay! Can we watch anime?”

I pulled a shirt over my head, “Of course, just let me put trousers on.”

“Yay!”

Phil left the room quickly, I assumed to set up Netflix.

About five minutes later, I was leaving my room to go to the lounge.

“What are we watching?”

Phil chuckled, “Yuri on Ice.”

Fuck.

He looked up at me, raising an eyebrow. “You okay? You look a little flustered.”

“What? Yes. I’m fine. Are you sure we should watch Yuri on Ice?”

“I haven’t had my dose of gay this week, so yes! Yuri on Ice!”

Soon enough, I was sitting on the couch with Phil. I tried my hardest to not focus anything that would make me wish for more with my best friend, but we were sitting so, so close…

Phil giggled, and I was pulled further into my thoughts.

The thoughts that made me procrastinate so I wouldn’t think them. I love Phil, and it feels so right.

But, fuck, it’s so wrong.

It’s so wrong.

Suddenly, Phil’s head landed on my shoulder. I felt my heart speed up as he scooted closer to me.

My cheeks started to get hot, and I started to contemplate what I should do.

Should I put my arm around him? Would that be weird? Do friends do that? I don’t want him to know about my silly crush.

Fuck!

I finally took a gulp and raised my arm, dropping it on his far side.

He leaned into my side further while allowing himself to scoot closer.

We stayed like this for about thirty minutes.

“Phil?”

No answer.

“Phiiiiil?”

He suddenly shifted closer and put his head in the crook of my neck.

Fuck! Fuck, this is bad!

My neck is the most sensitive part of my body. Well, other than, uh, down there. But that’s not the point.

The point is that this is really bad.

Fuck it. Just ignore it and try to sleep, it’s not like you can move the large bean.

I turn off the TV and lay my head on Phil’s, trying to fall asleep while the night is still young.

Phil shifts beside me, and I open my eyes to see that it’s bright in the room.

Then, I see Phil.

Laying down.

With me.

On the couch.

Fuck.

We must have moved around in or sleep, enough to be cuddling but not enough for Phil to completely fall off the couch.

Our lips are so close.

His lips are a pale pink colour, kind of chapped, but still lovely.

I’d examine them closer, but Phil opened his eyes.

Fuck.

“Good morning.” I whispered slowly, admiring his face as he slowly smiled.

“Hi.” He whispered back, his smile growing wider and wider.

“How did you sleep?”

Neither of us mentioned how we were sleeping, it felt natural.

“Well,” Phil looked into my eyes, “better than usual days.”

“I need to shower.” I shifted to get off of the couch, but Phil stopped me.

“Dan.” He wouldn’t look me in the eyes.

“Yes?”

“Um,” he paused. “Never mind.”

He left the couch and walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

I sighed, what could he have said?

‘Sorry, I just realized my feelings for you and thought you should know!’

'I think you should get a new flat mate.’

'Why are we laying on the couch together?’

Fuck.

I stood up quickly and tried to keep my balance as I walked to Phil’s room.

“Phil!”

I barged in, only to find him stripping himself of his trousers.

He turned around, looking completely unfazed. He chuckled.

“What happened to knocking?”

He walked to his wardrobe and opened the drawer.

I gave a half-ass laugh. “What were you going to say?”

He paused, staring at all the shirts.

“It’s not important, don’t worry about it.” Phil smiled at me.

“Uh… okay.” I sighed, “I’m gonna to take a shower.”

I walked out of Phil’s room and crossed the hall quickly. Something was keeping Phil from telling me what he wanted, and I’m determined to find out what.

The warm water rushed over my face and my back. Of course, my silly crush crosses my mind more than he did yesterday.

No YouTube videos can be made like this. Thank god I don’t have to.

I stepped out of, drying my body and my hair. I walked to my room, but Phil caught me.

“Hey, we gotta do the Sims video today! Don’t forget, you promised.”

Fuck.

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” I continued to walk to my room. He stopped me again.

“Dan?”

I turned back around and raised an eyebrow.

“Can I uh…” he paused again, longer than he did in his room. “Can I have a hug?”

He looked at the floor, shoving his hands into his pockets and twisting them around. “I mean, I don’t need one but we haven’t hugged in a few days, and I just kinda miss your hugs because they make me feel warm and happy inside and your hugs are the best hugs and—”

I stopped him by walking forward and engulfing him in a hug. “Of course you can have a hug, don’t worry.”

He hugged me tighter than anyone ever does, Phil’s hugs are my favorite hugs.

“Thank you,” He smiled after I released him. “Alright, go get dressed, you spork. It’s time to make a Sims video, Dil awaits!”

I laughed at him and left the hallway, scrambling into my room before Phil could say anything else.

I stole Phil’s corgi button-up shirt a couple days ago, and anything to make the fans go wild about us sharing clothes again, I was willing to do it.

I slipped the shirt over my arms and pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans. Of course, I’m still semi-freaking out because of my feelings towards Phil. I had no choice, considering I promised him we would make the video today.

“Phil! I’m going upstairs!” I yelled through the house, then began to race up the stairs in an attempt to get there faster than him.

I got to the end of the stairs and opened the gaming room door.

There Phil was, opening the Sims app.

“I beat you,” he said to me while turning around in the spinny chair to see me.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, “And you made me run up the stairs? Rude.”

“Come sit, you-” he thought for an insult, “you slice of cheese.”

“Nice insult.” I walked over and sat next to him, spinning my chair so that I was facing the desktop.

“So I was thinking we could redecorate the Howelter family house today.” Phil turned towards me.

“Yeah, sure. But do we have enough money?”

“I dunno, we’ll see.”

Finally, we turned the camera on and we were being our normal goofy selves.

“Ooh! Should we put a window here?” Phil asked me, while pointing to a random space in the house.

“No! It’ll be uneven!” I yelled to him.

“No one cares about uneven-ness in the Howelter household!”

“I do and I’m of the people who gave birth to Dil!”

“But you don’t live in the house!”

“We don’t need a window there, Phil!”

“Alright fine, no window there.” Phil rolled his eyes.

We continued to put stuff everywhere. All of a sudden, it came down to a door.

A door that had to go somewhere uneven.

“Phil, we can’t put it there! It will be uneven.” I said with wide eyes.

“Well, Danny, that sucks.” Phil responded, turning to me as he clicked the spot for the door to go, the uneven spot.

“Phil! No!” I yelled, feeling my arms flare everywhere as I waved them around.

“Dan, no one cares about uneven. There are people who don’t give a cow about uneven doors and then there’s you.” He laughed at me as if this was a joking matter!

“There’s me, but then there are people who are a lot worse than me who will curse our first born son if we leave it uneven! We need to fix it!” I yelled again.

Fuck.

Did I just say our?

Phil stayed quiet, not moving a muscle.

Then, he turned to me, the chair squeaking as he did so.

“Our first born son?” His voice was emotionless.

I could feel my cheeks heating up as he kept his eyes locked on mine.

“Did I? I didn’t realize but if I did I didn’t mean to and it was an accident, I’m sorry.” My voice cracked between the sentence and I talked quickly.

He turned back to the camera and smiled. “Well that’s it for today’s episode! Make sure you subscribe to see the rest of the Howelter life! Subscribe to Dan’s channel here, and mine right here, and you can watch our last video over here. Goodbye!”

He put his hand over the camera.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

Phil chuckled. “So, what will his name be?”

“Um. Excuse me?”

“Fine, I guess we’ll find out when we get there.” He laughed. “How long have you liked me?”

“What- who said I like you?” I waved my arms around and stood up from my chair.

“Stop pretending that you don’t, I like you too.”

“Well how long have you liked me?!” I was so scared of this situation that I didn’t even register what Phil said. “Wait, you- you like me?”

“Are you blind? I thought I was the one who needed glasses in this household.” Phil laughed again, and I fell in love more.

“How come you never told me?”

“Because I was scared to lose our friendship.”

Makes sense.

“But-” I tried to argue, but I was cut off by a soft feeling on my lips.

“Phi-” I tried again.

Shit, he’s kissing me.

I kissed back quickly, and his hand reached the back of my neck.

When he moved away, all I wanted was more of his lips.

“You’re a spork.” His smile was the best smile I’ve seen ever since I met him.

“Rude.”

#phan #oneshot #the sims #danielhowell #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #pinof #phanfic #I love dan and phil #oops I was bored today #so basically I was redecorating my sims house but dnp??

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