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letkirillfight · 4 months

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15 people 15 questions

thanks for the tag @babygirlspurgeon, @masonshaws, @giveemgreef, and @babygirlboberrey

1. are you named after anyone?

I share my middle name with my mom.

2. when was the last time you cried?

A couple days ago. The last month has been a bit rough.

3. do you have kids?

No and never will.

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

I played soccer when I in like elementary school and then did a season of tennis in like high school. Low-key hated doing both of them. I'm not really one for playing sports unless it's the sort of casual pick up game with friends. I much prefer to watch.

5. do you use sarcasm?

Yes, religiously.

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?

I'm going to be honest I am not self aware enough to know the answer to this one. But probably their outfit if I had to guess.

7. what's your eye color?

I always say gray.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

To my endless annoyance my brain is absolutely the worst while watching scary movies, like the most obviously built up jump scare will still spook me, so happy endings I guess.

9. any talents?

Uh, I'm really good at packing? And I'm pretty good with horses? I don't know, my mind kind of blanked on anything I have ever been good at when I read this.

10. where were you born?

Michigan

11. what are your hobbies?

I am a huge nerd and also a grandmother (this is not a slight towards grandmothers). I love watching movies and binging tv shows and have an extensive dvd collection because they will tear physical media from my cold dead hands. I also love playing video games and really want to build my own desktop one of these days towards that end. I will read anything that looks half interesting and have also lost many an hour to writing whatever idea pops into my head. I crochet, can technically knit, and am learning how to spin yarn and sew beyond basic mending. I also play sudoku, solitaire (spider specifically), and do puzzles. Plus like hiking and traveling to occasionally get out of the house. Oh and hockey.

12. do you have any pets?

Nope. I grew up with a wide variety of animals but have yet to get one of my own. Someday I'm considering getting a cat or two but we'll see.

13. how tall are you?

I am 5'5".

14. favorite subject in school?

History, followed closely by English. This probably has just as much to do with my teachers as the actual subject material as those classes were really fun.

15. dream job?

None lol. I dream of financial stability not working. If I had to pick something though it would probably be something physical. I like being able to say "I made that" or something with horses. I loved working with them before. Most realistically though it wouldn't be one thing. I like the idea of being a jack of all trades type and bouncing around learning how to do a bunch of things.

tagging: @wildrangers, @eis-hockey,@kirill-kaprizovs-curls,@cecishockeyblogging, @jonassiegenthighler, @lindholmline, @carpehistoryandthepens, @stanleyoffseventh, @couthbbg, @dwisp, @devils-wild, @thecardiackids, @wehaveagathering, @flaticeball, @oetter if y'all want to do it and haven't already done so. Plus anyone else who sees this and is interested consider yourself tagged.

#tag games #on j

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lipglossanon · 8 months

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alright i’ve been stockpiling thoughts and you ignited something in me with the priest fic inspired by type o negative stay out of my dreams and 12 black rainbows,,,, priest leon x plagas/demon/succubus/vampire reader, like character idea i had has standard succubus vibes, horns, tail, wings, claws, sharp teeth the works okay, he’s done with sunday service and shouldn’t have anything else that week unless needed. he goes to sleep and his nightmares are the same they have been for months now, some woman in the woods beckoning him, making him feel like there’s bugs all over him, calling his name randomly in the chapel, getting stuck at the bottom of a ravine because he ignored her etc. so it’s saturday now and he’s sleep deprived, but he gets a good nights rest for sunday when the woman from his nightmares shows up, a completely new face but no one seems to notice her except him. he finishes mass and everyone leaves but he asks you to come to his office so you follow close behind before making your way into his room remarking about the decor and how bland it is before you hear the door click and he’s right up against you, behind you, hand on your waist the other holding a knife (dipped in holy water because duh) to your throat making you wince while he asks you who you are, while you laugh trying rub yourself against him to no avail while you say you met him in spain all those years ago and wanted to see him again, fulfill the prophecy or some shit. the back and forth escalated to the basement where he locked you before digging through old files to see what could be used to stop you, he finally corrals you into a corner of the basement while interrogating you to no avail. he eventually gives up and makes his way back upstairs when he hears a loud noise from the basement, he goes to investigate but catches you walking up the stairs 🫣

- 💀

(idk what to put here but that’s all the plot i got before smut so like here ya go, eventually you make a deal and he lets your roam the woods around the chapel as a form of security and you come in during the day to nap because you’re nocturnal and eventually he gets on your schedule, months go by and his old symptoms return, one morning you come in to sleep and he’s already in the basement passed out, paying no heed you crawl into your respective mat on the floor and curl up for day. when you awake that night you’re in leon’s bed, legs apart and covered in bites and bruises when he comes in and says he didn’t do anything invasive while offering you a cup of blood, smelling it it was from an animal something he never let you bring into the chapel but he was different, the same as you. intrigued you chugged the blood hungry from your nap while he takes the cup and sets it on the the table before spreading your legs with clawed hands smelling you while he moans watching the black veins get darker, tentacles come up around you your body holding you in place, your body singing to his that you’re each other’s making you both lash out at each other in some sort of archaic way resulting in days of sex and the most obscene ways of worshipping each other, the chapel closed shortly after turning into your own little sanctuary just the two of you. if i got detailed with the smut you’d be here for hours reading this and this was supposed to be the original plagas leon ask i sent i just split it up and spent all this time shortening it 🫣😳)

Have my fave pic of Peter (and also what I used as inspo for priest Leon 🤭 )

💀 anon 😮‍💨 😮‍💨

This is a new masterpiece 👏 👏 👏

I love the dark turn at the end where your both infected and the chapel is now like some haunted decrepit building the locals are too terrified to speak about cause demons now inhabit the place 😵‍💫

I love your brain 😭 💜 💜 thank you for the delicious meal as always 🙏

#ask box #💀 anon #lipglossanon #lipglossanswers #priest!leon s kennedy #plagas!reader #succubus!reader

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m0n0lithical · 11 months

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Sims - get to know me

Tagged by @igotsnothing thanks so much I absolutely wanted to do this one! Also if ya’ll like occults you better go follow them.

1. What’s your favourite sims death? Either meteor because of HOW dramatic it is, or pufferfish since that’s like, the only way for your own sim to kill another sims (without mods, anyway).

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match? Mostly Maxis, but I do have mix elements (like the hairs that aren’t TECHNICALLY alpha but are so detailed they almost look it), especially in my fandom saves because the outfits in those are always alpha.

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? Nah, if I really want a sim to stay the same weight, I lock the weight/gain loss (I do this for my selfsim every time so she’ll STOP LOSING WEIGHT oh my god woman). But if I’m playing with it on, what happens happens.

4. Do you use move objects? I don’t even have to enter this cheat because it’s always ticked on my BBB.

5. Favorite mod? I mean the most practical favorites are MCCC and BBB, and really most of the ;must haves’ the majority of people have, so lemmie pick a lesser seen one – PreferencesPlus by Helaene is a huge game-changer for someone who really dislikes all the missing likes/dislikes in the game.

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got? ...I wanna say Outdoor Retreat? I know, horrible pick, I didn’t know how lacking it was.

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing? Like LIVing

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? This...is hard, but I’m gonna have to roll with Amie, because she’s evolved beyond being just a sim at this rate – she’s also my FFXIV character, as well as a VtM character. But she absolutely did START as a sim.

9. Have you made a simself? Yes – she’s set loose in EVERY save I have for sake of hilarity – I love passing by her in-game and she’s doing something utterly random. The last time I saw her she was shooting down a goth witch lady flirting with her – thrilled the sexuality update can make her proper asexual now, was so happy to see it without having to put dumb flags on her!

10. What sim traits do you give yourself? Lover, Unflirty, Lazy, Cat Lover, Creative, Foodie.

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color? I’m a pretty big fan of the middle red tone. Or the green, if we’re picking unnatural colors.

12. Favorite EA hair? The RoM updo short locs are SO good. Honorable mention to the EL undercut half-ponytail.

13. Favorite life stage? I’m gonna be boring and say YA, because the game is LITERALLY built around them so you have so, SO many more options.

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? I do a little bit of everything, but CAS is my specialty. I spend HOURS in there.

15. Are you a CC creator? If some hair/eye recolors and simple tattoos count, then yeah. I really can’t be fussed learning blender beyond pose-making.

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? My social anxiety stops me from interacting a lot, even if I try my best to talk to people. Like, I know the chances of someone being an asshole to me are very, very slim and that most everyone is chill and laid back like I am – REASONABLY I know I’m being dumb, but also my brain is an asshole.

17. What’s your favorite game? In Sims, I’ve honestly only played 4 (a friend sent me 3 a while ago but I have yet to fire it up). Outside sims? Uh...Okami for single player, Guild Wars 2 for multiplayer.

18. Do you have any sims merch? God I wish.

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? Hahahah like my internet would let me upload videos.

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing? Lord I have no idea...I’ve been fiddling with different types of sim face styles, but I keep falling back to the same one, really – at least for non-themed saves. And it doesn’t even stand out I’m pretty basic bitch.

21. What’s your Origin ID? Monophony! I mostly make sims, but there’s a few terrible builds there, too.

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator? That is a hard as hell question...but I wanna say @simandy,. For multiple reasons, but primarily because their hairs are just...to die for.

23. How long have you had a simblr? It’s been a year or two, but I took several hiatuses as I got distracted by my MMOs. I have a goldfish attention span.

24. How do you edit your pictures? I have several different reshade presets I’ll alternate between, and a good number of Photoshop actions and/or PSDs, and it’s always some combo of those. Each save has a different reshade/action (or PSD) combination to make them have their own looks (I have a word doc for ref so I know what save uses what combo).

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? Vampires will always be my favorite, but I was shocked by how much I also enjoyed Werewolves – I’m not a werewolf person, really. Non-occult...Growing Together really does add a ton through the whole game.

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? I uh...well you see >-> I’M STUPID WITH MY MONEY I HAVE THEM ALL.

I’m only gonna tag a few peeps since I’ve seen most people having done this - @simarcana, @druidberries, @apricote, @lotus030, @salemssimblr if ya’ll wanna do this here’s your excuse! <3 Feel free to ignore if you don’t wanna!

#tag game

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leafostuff · 2 years

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Our Little Secret (Ft. NiziU Miihi

note: so...i had a birthday like 4 days ago (im 18 so pog) and i decided to write This Miihi oneshot since she is one of my favorite Idols, i hope you all enjoy this

12 AM

First night of summer and god you are struggling to sleep, maybe it was still excitement from the fact that you finished school as a Senior, leaving you to only have the Adult life ahead of you, maybe its more Stress of not knowing what to do with your life but whatever it was it costed you some important sleep hours.

another look at your phone and the hour was 12:03 AM, “maybe a walk should be enough to calm my brain down” you thought to yourself as you jumped out of the window, the height wasn't too high, so no damages were done as you took your phone and wrote a message to your parents how you went to a walk, fortunately your parents gave you a thumbs up, and your walk has begun

10 minutes has passed, and your small adventure brought you to the park, as basically you were listening to music in your ear buds and checking up funny memes on Discord, few laughs and a comment later you take a look at the members list and notice someone specific who was online.

“quite unusual of her to be online this time” you thought as you opened a DM with her and write a Simple question, “Cant sleep?” you ask in the chat, a couple of seconds later she responds, “yeah” a simple response but an effective one, “Thought maybe i could take a walk in the park to calm my nerves” another message came in as you couldn't help yourself but smile lightly, as you just noticed what she was saying.

“Want to meet on the bridge?” another quick typing which resulted in a Quick thumbs up emoji, as you stood up from the bench you were sitting on and heading to the bridge, as you got there you were just leaning your back on the side of the bridge, as from the corner of your eye you notice her heading to you.

Miihi was one of your best friends ever since the two of you were very young, not 5 years old like all the movies talk about, but like since age 10, so now as the both of you finished school forever, you knew each other for 8 years which included many smiles since just seeing her could turn your day upside down, and in the end the two of you kinda grew to a friend group which included some of her friends and yours, making a amazing friend group. as she was standing in front of you she was wearing a White T-shirt, followed with a black sweatshirt and and fairly basic pants, nothing too fancy for a midnight walk.

"So….first day of summer, huh? we finally got to it” You ask as Miihi shows her smile and joins you on the bridge, leaning on the side and watching the stars together with you.

“Yeah, finally is school is over, and we could do whatever we want now” She added, “do you have plans for the summer? or you're just going to laze around and do nothing like me?” she asked as in response you just shrugged, since even you don't know what are your plans for the summer.

“To be honest, i thought about maybe Trying to get a job for the summer, before i get to college, what about you? i guess that a scholarship so you dont really need to work that much to pay for it” You knew how smart Miihi was, topping your class and is considered one of the smartest students in the school.

“Oh…So we won’t have much time to hang out don't we?” her smile changed slowly into a frown as she looked down, it was true that you will not hang out as much anymore, yes there will be your almost daily discord chats, but its not the same as meeting in person.

Suddenly, she showed a little smile and held your hand “Follow me” she started running, getting you to follow her quickly with a run from your own, “If this is the one of the last times we will meet like this….it means we should make it the best night ever” She said as her comment made you smile brightly, it was so good to hear how important your friendship was to her.

10 minutes of running later the two end up at her Mansion, Miihi was the daughter of one of the richest families in the town, so mansion to live in is something not surprising.

However instead of going to the house directly, Miihi instead turned right, walking toward her Family Pool, the both of you stopped in front of the Pool house as she left your hand. "I'm going to switch up for a swimsuit, don't you dare peek" she said as she gave you a Wink as she closed the sliding door and the curtain as well

"What about me?" You ask, realizing you didn't expect to come with a Swim shorts of your own.

"Get on with your pants or something" She spoke through the sliding door as you took your shirt off, and left it near the the pool, you were always less comfortable showing your body and would get Insecure going to a pool together with your friends, but it couldn't be that bad, it was your friend Miihi, what was the worst that can hap-.

“I'm ready” Miihi said, as she got out of the pool house, wearing a Pink swimsuit, as you could feel your face getting hotter by the second, and unfortunately she got notice of it fast “OOO…someone is blushing, its Just me” she added as she giggled and leaned closer. after Miihi opened the Pool which took a couple of minutes she smiled at you cutely, you return the smile when suddenly…

*Splash*

You find yourself in the pool, as you look up you see a Laughing Miihi in front of you as she sat on the edge of the pool “come on, you know it was worth it dont you?” she asked as you just rolled her eyes “ok, just sit with me” she added as she gave you her hand to get up however…

*Splash*

“ha….HAHAHAHAH” she started laughing as you couldnt help but join her as the two of you just started goofing around in the water, from swimming quietly to Splash fights the two of you really had one of the best nights that could ever be, the hour was around 1:30 AM as another splash fight was going as in the end you cornered Miihi to one of the corners as the two of you started laughing as the stopping gotten quieter and the two of you were gazing at each other’s eyes as one thing was on your and probably Miihi’s mind

“so….close” your thoughts clouded your senses as the Both of you lean your faces closer to each other…and closer…and closer as finally the both of you kiss, Lips were awfully sweet even more than you expected as you could feel her hands get slowly around your back and yours go to her waist, even while both of your eyes closed you can feel the movement of you sitting on the edge of the pool with Miihi on your lap.

Miihi was your star, there was no way to deny it, from her long and smooth hair that you could feel touching your skin, her hands that were softer then the most fluffies wool a sheep could ever produce were now on your chest, feeling how loud your hearts knocks and how her large yet adorable brown eyes that made every wish by her a command were now starting to tear up slowly as the both of you moved away from the kiss, you could swear you seen her eyes sparkle from the tears, smiling from side to side Miihi just leans her forehead close enough to touch yours, as you smile lightly and mirror her, almost as the both of you were telepathizing your feelings as no words were needed between the two of you.

“Woah” you just said, shocked from your intimate connection the two of you just had as Miihi just giggled in response

“Yeah….indeed woah” she said as your hands without any thought just went to her hair, twirling it around your finger and pushing some of them to the side, to see her true beauty. “i…want you to stay with me the night….together” she simply said as all you could was just nod and hug her tight.

~-~

2:30 AM

First night of summer, 2 Showers, and a movie later the both of you are laying on the sofa since there wasn't any mattress, so you had to resort to Miihi using you as her mattress while you could only have the sofa, the lights were closed as the both of you were just whispering to each other lightly.

“so? what i am drawing on your skin?” even while the both of you were falling asleep you still tried to talk as much as possible, your finger was on her back drawing some shapes.

“It's a heart isn't it?” she asked quietly as you just shook your head.

“No, it's a bunny, see? i did the ears” you replied as you traced the the motion of the ears, “And now i did the face” you added another motion as you could feel her humming feel like music to your ears “and i added a nose” as you teasingly tapped your nose as she just giggled.

“god whatever…you know…i think this going to be *Yawn* the best summer we will ever have” she said as she closed her eyes, her smile still felt through her aura as she just started fall asleep, as you couldnt help but smile at her cuteness.

“uh…yeah, you are right…the best summer ever” you said as suddenly your face started to frown as you opened up your phone to look at your mails, and one that you kept for a long time was still sitting there “You have been chosen to work Under Starship Ent, the flight to Korea will be at the 1st of July 2022” the Message said as you just looked at the message, not knowing how will you have the bravery to tell this to her.

================================================

Thanks for Reading and i will see you all Next update

#miihi #niziu #NiziU fanfic #Fluff #Kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop fancam #kpop fanart

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sunnnnaccount · 11 months

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“i want to fall in-love with life again” (A really long and personal piece about my life)

There’s this person whom I used to see as my role model. This person had great outfits everyday, that weren’t too extravagant, but not too “basic” either. They had loads of friends, and it seemed as if everyone loved them, but I soon realized that was only a mirror image - and what truly coined off of that bedazzling reflection was someone much like me, who has always just wanted to be seen, and who yearns for more each day after that wish is granted. I thought becoming this type of person would allow me to experience joy again - something I felt like I lost months ago. It didn’t - trying to become someone I wasn’t merely made me feel like a fragment of my own consciousness. If you’ve read my posts, you probably know that I lost myself trying to become this person to whom I was not.

My therapist (has said) multiple times she believes I have a certain type of depression that allows me to feel hyper-strongly at times. Due to this, I have had some experiences where i’ve felt completely out of this world. Describing it sounds like i’ve just been totally high many times, but no, I haven’t gotten high yet. I’ve felt as if I’ve been falling, flying, kissing the ground, feeling the concretes warmth burn my lips, and drowning simultaneously. This period of time where I felt (far) too much happened over the summer - I would do risky things, steal, kiss my friends, drink 4 energy drinks a day, hang out with people for 12 hours straight each day, etc….this of course ended with the worst depressive episode of my life in August, (for some reason, I get depressed each August). If I could describe this feeling (once more), imagine riding your bike on a hill, past a setting sun, and while you’re riding your bike, there’s a tenor saxophone blaring in your face, and god damn, it’s loud. You absorb the sound as if it’s traveling through your veins, you use it to push the pedals a little harder - you notice planes go by above your head, and just across the sunset, you can almost see the stars that will soon pave the sky - but for now, you are incredibly and dangerously in the PRESENT, with no conscious concern to the future or past. You feel all this love, and you don’t understand it, and you feel all this pain because you can’t fathom the love - “how could they love me?”

After my mood regulated a little, I realized all the toxic people I let in my life, (some whom I let BACK into my life) when I felt manic. I cut them off immediately. I did not realize I would spend an entire school year contemplating and getting past the fact that the feeling I enamored myself in over the summer was gone. It was completely and utterly out of reach - of course, I had experienced something like this before, with other episodes. I always hated the aftermath. I would always spend hours alone in my room, feeling awful that I could no longer feel ecstatic, because for some reason, my brain told me it wanted me to get better, and feel ‘neutral’. I trap myself in all the memories of those no-good people whom I spent all my time with. I call these people “friend ghosts”. I think when you do something, like check an old friend or an ex’s feed, or just trap yourself in melancholic remembrance, it creates a “friend” ghost. This friend is in your headspace, lingering around you, but you still can’t physically reach them - like a ghost. I think these ghosts need to be avoided, like normal ghosts.

To be honest, it’s really easy in situations like these, to forget the beautiful little parts of life that can be simply noticed from afar, even if you feel nothing at all - like I really do occasionally. Like, I was thinking a moment ago about one of my favorite things, when people make playlists for me - i’ll listen to them thoroughly and pay attention to all the lyrics, even if i’m not hyper, even if i’m depressed. I started to think about how I have so many things like those playlists - like, there are certain webtoons series’s that i’ve always followed - and no matter my mood, I always check whether or not a new one has come out, because I do enjoy reading each new chapter. Depression does not entirely take away the color of life.

My mental state is kind of like a constant breakup - I go through periods of time where I am overwhelmed with feeling, soaking up the dopamine and anxiety life has to offer - and then I’m depressed again, feeling absolutely nothing at all, lying in bed, thinking to myself “what happened?”. I fail to remember, though, that it is not entirely black an white. There are little pieces of joy that bind all of my experiences together in a beautiful bow, or a paved road I am excited to ride my bike over.

For months, I have told myself repeatedly, “I want to fall inlove with life again”. I don’t even know what that means, though. Nothing will ever feel like it did over the summer - I know i’ll feel electric again someday, but it will be in a different way. I am still mourning the excitement of it all - but I also want to focus on just feeling okay for now. I hope life has good things to offer in the meantime. I don’t want to constantly feel like i’m waiting to feel happy again, even though I do. I want to wake up and not try to recapture a feeling that is long gone. I want to feel what I feel now, and be okay with it. I want the friend ghosts to disappear, I want to take a deep breath and feel all the clean air go into my lungs, refreshing me, I want to notice when i’m doing a task, but not to the extent where I overthink it, I want to feel awake in school, I want to laugh naturally, I want to look around at others and not overthink my interactions with them, but rather feel happy to know them. I want to be grateful for being able to feel to such a great extent sometimes, even if it hurts so much when it’s over, instead of fearing it. I want to really feel something again, too, not in a way that “ruins” me - I just want to feel - i’m tired of experiencing confidence and energy, and then waking up one day as if that joy and light never existed. I want to look into the mirror and feel pretty alright, instead of having to subconsciously think about my appearance every second - I want to feel less grateful that music can capture memories, but rather be able to let go and no longer have to hold on to certain feelings. This ideal isn’t falling in-love with life, it is simply living in a matter that doesn’t constantly weigh me down, that doesn’t constantly make it feel so hard to breathe.

If anyone is reading this, if you haven’t gotten there, I hope you can, too. <3

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2djdanger · 1 year

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I WROTE A SHORT TBHK FIC BC LATEST CHAPTERS HAD ME FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY 😭💕 SPOILERS THIS TAKES PLACE IN A PERFECT WORKD WHERE THEY GET AOI BACK SAFE FROM THE NEAR SHORE AND EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO NORMAL THE NEXT DAY🙃😭💕☠️ ANYWAYS I WANTED TO POST BEFORE THE LATEST CHAPTER COMES OUT AND ULTIMATELY CRUSHES ME SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO MY FIC:

(Written in Yashiro POV)

Aoi turned the corner & I was overcome with so much emotion I ran to her. I mean she was just dead in the Near Shore with Hanako-kun 12 hours ago. I’m so glad we got everything back to normal. “Aoi!!!” I yelled as I ran with arms outstretched toward her. She looked up & flashed her perfect popular girl smile as always & responded, “Hi Nene-chan!” I sobbed as I pulled her into a hug, “I’m so glad you’re back Aoi! I hope Hanako-kun wasn’t too weird to you like he is to me especially since now we’re officially “dating” I guess if you can call it that—“ She cuts me off with a confused expression, “W-what? Nene you’re not making sense??” Uh oh. Did Aoi forget everything?! Hanako-kun didn’t tell me if she’d remember anything or not but I guess that’s what I get for not outwardly asking him in the first place. “Nene…?” Aoi looked concerned. “I—uhh—umm—“ I tried to make up an explanation but nothing was coming to my flustered brain. “Who’s Hanako-kun? I’m so proud you finally got a boyfriend! Congrats Nene-chan!” She smiled warmly at me, “When do I get to meet him? Which class is he in?” My face went pale. I did just let it slip that Hanako-kun & I are dating didnt I? Ugh, popular girls pick up those details so easily but I mean I thought she knew already due to everything that happened yesterday. “Aaaaahhh……” I said sheepishly, putting an arm behind my head, “I gotta go!” I quickly ran out of the classroom, straight to the old building & dropped to my knees on the floor. If I go to Hanako-kun I don’t know what he’d say. If I go to Tsuchigomori sensei he might tell me the opposite of what I wanna hear. I just need to talk this out with someone. At that moment I realized Kou-kun was standing in front of me. “Are you ok, senpai?” He asked, staring down at me. I nodded & stood up, “Yeah, I’m fine Kou-kun. Perfect timing actually!” He raised his eyebrows, “Really?” “Mmhmm!” I nodded fervently, “I actually needed to ask you something…” I trailed off not knowing how to quite approach the subject of accidentally telling Aoi about Hanako-kun & I. “Well what is it?” Kou-kun inquired. “Aaaahhh…. I may h-have….um…it’s really a funny story I ran into Ao-chan & I—“ “You told her about yesterday didn’t you senpai…” Kou-kun finished for me. I nodded & he sighed. “How much? “ “Well I didn’t realize her memory would be wiped so I may have accidentally let it slip that Hanako-kun & I a-are…..you know…” Kou’s face twisted slightly as I mentioned Hanako-kun. He didn’t seem too excited for us when we first announced it but put on a happy face whenever we were together & the topic came up. “A-and now she wants to meet Hanako-kun…..” “Nene you didn’t!” Kou exclaimed. I sighed, “I did. I’m sorry Kou-kun I thought she remembered!” “Well….” Kou searched for the words to say, his eyes darting around the hall, “I guess we’re just gonna have to re-introduce them!” He puffed up his chest & his tone turned a bit happier. “You think so? What will Hanako-kun say?” I panicked. “He’s met her before! They’ll just have to meet again!” Kou put a friendly arm around my shoulder.

—

~Later~

I was laying on the bathroom floor with Hanako-kun taking a bunch of selfies on my phone with him. He seemed a bit suspicious of me. “Uh…Yashiro?” He asked while sitting up. I looked over toward him. The setting sun was coming through the window at just the right angle so that you could really see that Hanako was in fact a see through ghost. “Yeah?” “It’s not that I don’t like taking photos on your high tec magic box but it seems a bit out of character for you to be taking so many pictures. Is something the matter?” He leaned in close, caressing my face with his cold hand, “You know you can tell me~” “Agh!” I jumped backwards, blushing bright red, “I-It’s n-nothing—“ “You’re a bad liar Yashiro.” He laughed. “It’s for Aoi…” I sighed. The smile dropped from his face, “Why do you want photos of us for Aoi?” His voice became emotionless. Hanako-kun’s so hard to read. He acts tough but underneath it all he’s just a kid like me. It was no use trying to hide it from him anymore, “I might’ve accidentally told Aoi we were dating & because *somebody* didn’t tell me her memory would be wiped she obviously thinks you’re alive & wants to meet you!” Hanako-kun rolled his eyes, got up, & floated toward the window, sighing, “Dammit Yashiro what am I gonna do with you?” I squealed in panic, “I’m s-sorry H-Hanako-kun…” I sat up & covered my eyes with my arms. He must’ve floated over to me since his voice spoke right next to my face, “Hey….” He removed my arms from my face to reveal my teary eyes. He jumped back a little, startled by my tears. “Y-Yashiro! I—uhh—h-hey—it’s ok Yashiro—“ He stumbled through his words & quickly pulled me into a hug. I hugged him back. “Y-You’re not mad…?” I cried. He shook his head, “Frustrated to be honest….but not mad, no…” I sniffled & pulled away from Hanako to which he reached his arms out hesitantly toward me as if he was unsure I was ok. I grabbed his hands, locking my fingers in between his, “I’m ok Hanako-kun.” “Not to um…change the subject..” His face turned bright red, “Y-You know since we’re…..” A pause as we locked eyes, “ I told you you can call me A-Amane or even just Yugi-kun if Amane’s too casual….but that’s only if you want to!” Hanako-kun seemed flustered now. My eyes widened a bit with the realization that Hanako-kun was finally opening up to me more. Oh my god! My first real boyfriend & he wants me to call him by his first name! How romantic!! “Ok, Amane…” I said. He looked like he was about to pass out after that. “H-Hanako—I mean Amane!! Are you ok?!” I was panicked now since he didn’t look so good. “I’m fine, I’m fine…” He waved & couldn’t keep eye contact with me. So this is what it’s like to have a boy in love with you?! Is he nervous about me?!?!! My heart was aflutter. “Sorry to break up the love fest but wasn’t there something we needed to discuss..?” Kou-kun interjected. He was here the whole time, leaning against one of the bathroom stalls since I brought him to clean toilets with me. “Oh right!” I laughed nervously. Hanako tried throwing his kokeshi at Kou. Kou ended up catching it, “Come on dude!” “It’s not my fault you’re a peeping Tom!” Hanako argued. “Senpai invited me! I cant help it you removed yourself from socialization amongst girls for 50 years.” Kou put his hands up in defeat. Hanako-kun pulled his knife out. I jumped on him & wrestled it away from him, “No! We’re not killing Kou-kun! Be the bigger person!” Hanako-kun wouldn’t look at me, fear in his eyes. I grabbed his face reminiscent of how he’d handle me, “Amane look at me! No stabbing or murder please!” He slowly nodded looking at me finally. “So you’ll be fine then if I bring Aoi by after school tomorrow?” I smiled at him. He sighed & put his hat back on his head since it’s gone flying after I wrestled the knife from him. “Not like I have much of a choice.”

—

~Next day~

“So Nene-chan show me what he looks like! Is he cute??” Aoi was rapid firing questions at me about Hanako-kun all day. I tried to play it off but her popular girl charms were starting to wear on me. I pulled out my phone & flipped to one of the selfies from yesterday. “This is us!” I held my phone out at her & couldn’t bring myself to look. “Um…Nene..?” Ao-chan seemed confused. “Eh?” I looked at my phone. Of course how could I be so stupid? Hanako-kun doesn’t show up in photos except as a scary black blob. “Ahahahh….it was a joke!” I lied. “You’re a terrible liar Nene.” Aoi laughed, “It’s ok if you don’t really have a boyfriend. It’ll happen eventually! I believe in you!” “I do too have a boyfriend!” Something came over me as I grabbed Aoi by the wrist & dragged her to the girl’s bathroom. I usually was never that forceful but when it came to defending Hanako-kun I always lost my cool. “Hana—I mean Amane!! I’m back & I brought Ao-chan to meet you!” I yelled out. “Nene-chan a-are you sure you’re ok??” Aoi seemed really scared & concerned for me. Hanako peeked his head out from the stall. “Hi Yashiro.” He smiled at me, “You do know she can’t see or hear me, right?” I nodded, “I know but I had to do something! She thought you weren’t real and—“ “This isn’t funny Nene!” Aoi seemed really upset. I was about to say something when Hanako-kun grabbed my notebook & pen from Haku-joudai who must’ve stolen it from my stuff in the classroom & walked past me with it sitting in front of Ao-chan. He opened the notebook & began to write. Aoi jumped back scared. “Nene! The pens floating!” “It’s ok Ao-chan! This is Hanako-kun—er..Yugi Amane-kun….my boyfriend!” I tried reassuring her. Hanako set the pen down & Aoi & I looked down at the paper which read: ‘Hi. Sorry about how weird this must be for you but I’m Hanako-san of the toilet, 7th wonder of Kamome Academy, & now Yashiro Nene’s boyfriend. Nice to meet you.’ “Very funny! Using the ghost stories! Hanako-san’s a girl with a red skirt & bob haircut!” Aoi spat at me. Hanako-kun sighed, “I tried.” At that moment Kou-kun ran in, “Hanakoooo!!!! I’m gonna pound your ass this ti——I mean Akane-san, Senpai, hi there.” Aoi-chan screamed, “What are you doing in the girl’s bathroom pervert!!” “I—umm—“ Kou looked toward me. “He came to see Hanako-kun. He always comes to say hi after school.” I said matter-of-factly. “Y-yeah!” Kou nodded and agreed, “Hi Hanako!” He looked toward the notebook where Hanako-kun was sat & smiled & waved. “Hi kid…” Hanako said, a bit amused. “Wait—you can see someone?” Aoi asked Kou. Kou nodded, “Yeah! That’s Hanako-kun—er well…you probably know him as Hanako-san of the toilet but he’s a cool ghost! He helps people & he’s dating senpai now I guess-“ Aoi turned back to me, “Can…..Hanako-san of the toilet hear us…?” I nodded, “Yeah! He’s sitting right here!” I pointed at the floor where Hanako was sat with my notebook. “And…..Hanako-san is a….boy???” Kou & I both nodded & said yes at the same time. “Ok then…..why can I not see him but you guys can? Is he just not showing himself to me….?” Ao-chan sounded a bit hurt. I looked to Hanako who returned my gaze with a reassuring nod. “Only some people can see him. Not everyone otherwise you would’ve noticed every time when he visited me in class.” I laughed nervously, “That’s why you saw me whispering to myself so much!” “Ok….then….” She looked back towards the notebook, “Hanako-san is it? I-I’m Akane Aoi….nice to uh….meet you?” Hanako started to write again, ‘Likewise. Yashiro’s told me a lot about you.’ “Y-you have?!” Aoi-chan gasped & looked back to me. “Y-yeaaahh….I guess I have…haha…” I spoke awkwardly. Aoi & Hanako ended up having a multi-page conversation, the more she spoke the more she seemed to grow comfortable with the idea of Hanako-kun. By the end of it all, she seemed genuinely excited for me and him. Kou was even joining in the conversation acting out how he almost exorcised Hanako when they first met. Ao-chan ended up telling me she was really happy for me, hoped it worked out, & that she’d want to talk to Hanako

#hanako kun #tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #yugi amane #yashiro nene #hananene #jshk #jibaku shounen hanako kun #toilet bound hanako kun spoilers #jibaku shonen hanako kun spoilers #tbhk fanart #fanfic #minamoto kou #akane aoi

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rheallsim · 2 years

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I just wanted to make a little post explaining why I haven't been as active here lately, so here goes!

[Fair warning, there's discussion about chronic health issues (Chronic Fatigue in particular) under the cut.]

So I really, really miss the old gameplay posts I used to make, for the Velasquez Legacy, my LEPacy family, the Globetrotter Challenge, etc. I miss the engagement and I miss the stories and I miss seeing my sims faces pop up on my timeline when their queued post is published.

The issue is I've been struggling for the past few years with worsening chronic fatigue symptoms. Nowadays I sleep on average of 9-12 hours every day and I still wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep. Most days I don't end up getting out of bed until 2pm in the afternoon, and it's not for a lack of trying; I'm just a complete useless utter zombie if I try to wake up before my body is ready to.

I started a job at the beginning of this year, a really good one for my circumstances, working from home five hours a day, twice a week. My coworkers were fantastic, my boss was the best boss I've ever had, and they worked so hard to accommodate me and my fatigue issues, but after working there for seven months I realized that my CFS was getting worse, not better. So I had to quit. :(

It was the first real job I'd had since 2010. It was such a wonderful opportunity, and with such great people, and I was heartbroken that I had to leave them. They said they'd do their best to welcome me back if I started to feel better, which was so kind of them! But right now I have no idea when that will be, if ever.

I've had CFS symptoms since well before COVID-19 hit us all, but my doctors didn't get their act together to seriously try and find me a specialist to help until around the time COVID hit. And of course, so many of the CFS resources, of which there were very few to start with, are now taken up by folks suffering with Long Covid, which presents almost exactly like CFS in many cases and have been treated by the same specialists.

I've been trying to find a specialist to take me on for years now, and haven't been able to find anyone. I've taken all sorts of tests to try and figure out what causes my fatigue, and even though we've ruled out a lot of things, we've found nothing that's helped. I've just been steadily getting worse over time, losing more and more of my life to this brain fog and lethargy.

Just a couple weeks ago, a referral to a specialist I was waiting on since February finally got back to me to say "We faxed your family doctor back in June to say we weren't taking any CFS patients, didn't he tell you?" And of course, he didn't. This is the third time he hasn't told me that a referral has fallen through and I had to find out months later on my own.

Years of my life have been taken up by this. Waiting months and months on a referral only to find it's a dead end and having to start all over again. And because of the current family doctor crisis and other health system issues it takes months for me to get another appointment with my GP just to discuss this all and have the process repeated for another year and a half to year-long wait.

Anyway… I'm sorry for rambling at you all! Long story short, I've been losing myself into a lot of escapism-type games that require little brain. And unfortunately, taking screenshots and writing gameplay stories for the Sims takes just a little too much brain for me to be able to do it reliably. So I've been taking a break from the social side of Simblr, and just letting myself play how I want for a while at my own pace.

Other than playing games I've been getting heavily into embroidery. When I have good days where I can actually focus long enough to work on it I've been really enjoying myself! Here's an example of some of the things I've made:

I miss being creative. I miss drawing, I miss writing, I miss creating things. I mourn for the life I could have had if it hadn't been taken away from me by CFS. But I'm grateful that I'm here, I'm grateful that I'm not in pain, that I'm otherwise healthy, that my family and friends and pets are wonderful and healthy, and that I can still embroider and make nice things when my body allows me to. Things aren't all bad. <3

Thank you for reading this far, if you have. I miss you all, and I hope you're all well! Keep being awesome, you're all so good at it. 🥰

#Rheall Rambles #Text Post #non-sims #Chronic Health #Chronic Fatigue Syndrome #ME/CFS #Chronic Illness #fatigue

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slashertempo · 12 days

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Handle Your High..?

Handle Your High

When I was a kid, acid was my drug of choice. Friends were smoking weed, or buying a lot of cocaine, and I just didn't get it. Their stuff was expensive, and I was doing a goofy drug that came on a tiny chip of paper for a couple of dollars. It lasted and kept me up for about 8-12 hours, it made the lights pretty, and the music hit my brain HARD. That and a Long Island Iced Tea, if I could afford it, was all I needed for fun at the clubs. I don't think I ever tried coke, and weed hurt my chest, probably the asthma...

The music would be really intense and I was just there to soak it in and dance for hours, usually by myself. I went just for that, my friends knew that and would be off doing their things, and find me when they were ready to take off. It was always a perfect and simple night for me to blow off steam from my restaurant job, I could tune people out, smoke a bunch of menthols, and hear new sounds every weekend...

Speed was cool, it would get me wired, so we could club all night, and then I could do an opening shift at Carl's Jr. I don't think anyone there ever knew I was tripping or super wired. It kept me pumped for the lunch rush, and then I'd go home and sleep through the daylight. I got away with doing that while living in Chicago.

I've told the story about meeting David Bowie in the early 90's, it was probably a night after a club night, being the reason I was so tired and unable to remember anything about him, but his nasty cigarette breath, heh...

Looking back at those days, and reflecting on it all, at 55, I don't think any of that is something I could get away with, not so much. These days, I enjoy a rum and coke, or a 7up with some red wine in it, or maybe a single Warsteiner or Sam Adams. And they make me feel... maybe a slight buzz, a warm fuzzy drunk, and always tired and ready for bed.

So back to our current timeline, a few days ago I finally got to see a doctor about my breathing, she was understanding of all of it, and saw that I needed to adjust what I was getting used to. She wrote up a few prescriptions, one of which was one of my least favorite drugs. One of the few I usually refuse to take, Prednisone. I don't like pain killers, and I stopped anti-depressants long ago, and Prednisone is right up there with those. If you've taken it, you may be familiar!

Prednisone is a steroid, and it makes you hyper, energetic, perhaps a little high, bordering on seeing shit and your brain seriously wanting to tune out. That's how it makes me feel. I had a ton of trouble the first few days and was awake three days straight, work was insane by the third day, but I made it through, had a day off yesterday, and it was still really weird! I went shopping and spent all my money, bought really stupid food, and a bunch of clothes. I would not have done that if someone was with me, but it is what it is...

So, here I am staying home from work, again, because it is making me feel a bit loopy and strange, and I have a little bit of the shakes. I sent a note to my doctor over the weekend, asking if I should stop, but she shot back that it's really going to help the other asthma meds get a start on helping my routine, and I'll be happier with the results after a few more days. She told me what to look out for, and she was the one who suggested staying home if I could. I'm trusting that and trying to keep relaxed for the day.

So here I am, writing and thinking about how when I was younger, there was always some kind of prep work involved when I was planning to be high. Who was driving, where I needed to be at what time, how long I would be awake, and when I worked. But it all went fine. I was always the type who would follow the "handle your high" rule.

Not to slight any of you friends, but I never wanted to be that "I love you guys, man!" or the one who was tripping all over and everyone had to help me get home. If I was going to become a burden or draw awkward attention to myself from my drinking or drugs, then they were removed from the plan and I'd go without, hah...

So now, I'm taking something that makes me feel out of control. I'm indeed, NOT handling my high, and I hate it, even though there's a lot of positive coming from it, this time. Some of the kids were having a laugh at me a few days ago. I was so wired and loopy, they commented that I was not the usual crabby character I am and that I was super jumpy and giddy about everything. They were still cracking up at my joking, but it was different, I was a clown, apparently. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" one of them joked...

So now I'm here at home, jittery, a bit lucid, and I can feel a sense of hyperactivity moving in. Hopefully, it will be around the time, the kid wants to go do some grocery shopping and laundry and can at least keep an eye on me. If I'm good, maybe I can get 'er to grab me some Chili Cheese Fritos and a coffee drink!

...like I really need one of those, right now! (maybe a choco milk).

youtube

#drugs #prescriptions #lsd #acid #drinking #clubs #bacheolor party brad #i love you drunk #handle your high #Youtube

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clownboy808 · 28 days

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3/19

1:02 Am

Listing to live performance of normal love by xiu xiu.

The lyrics are so good.

I wanna make something good.

I feel like shit. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat real food.

I want to cry right now.

Not crying.

Chewing on my comforter like I do.

Tomorrows not going to feel great. My grammar class sucks ass. Marketing is boring and dumb. I just wish I could do creative writing classes. It’s the only one I like. But if they were all like that it probably wouldn’t be good. I have to cancel or reschedule my therapist appointment. I could do it now , I’ll do it now.

2:30 AM

Still not asleep. Can’t stop thinking about music I don’t make when I’m able to. Wasn’t most of today. Well that’s harsh I got sone stuff done. But not enough for me to feel accomplished. I don’t know if I ever have or do feel that way. Maybe the closest I get is just not thinking about feeling accomplished. I’m just not thinking. I wish I had a vice to fall back on in times like this. Should I just drop out and move back home. Focus on the music. That’s not a good idea probably. I really don’t want to move back to Charlotte. Well actually I really don’t want to move back home with my mom. I should text that girl back. She seems cool. I would like being roommates with her. I guess I should look for places. And apply to them? Fuck I don’t want to do this. I want some one to just do it for me. I want it to just be done. The thought of putting effort into things that won’t for sure work out fills he with suicidal rage. I don’t want to fucking do anything. Ever.

2:39 am

Going to browse tinder because fuck what the fuck else am I gonna do!? What the fuck else is deserving of my time. It’s definitely not sleep.

2:41Am

Fuck tinder. I don’t want any of these hoes! Hahaha. I would kneel down just to lay eyes on a pussy. Just to catch a glimpse. I’d let them spit on me. I’d let them punch me. Not into the stepping on balls and dick stuff. No not my thing at all. I guess I mean do like watching humiliation stuff but I don’t think that’s something I’d want to participate in. I think the humiliation is probably much more deep seated. Well be it’s probably much more pathetic. My hand hurts from typing.

2:51 Am

Responded to girl I messaged a week ago about horror movies. She finally responded , asking me what REC is? I of course waited five minutes to respond to someone who made me wait a week. But she’s hot as fuck so fuck it. I have no shame. Like In the song I’m working on says. Even though I think I’m not going to use that line . The song is probably not going to ever be finished if I’m being honest. Must keep at it though . Must finish something.

12:14 pm

Saw that they them again. Leave me alone, you whore! She wasn’t a whore. They weren’t a whore. I don’t know. About to sit bored in marketing again. I could read to entertain myself a bit. It’s so fucking dumb - that class. Literally for baby brained retards.

12:28 pm

The Spotify algorithm loves fievel is glauque I like them too but Jesus. Every daily mix is like a quarter them.

Listening to answer by Tyler the creator now.

3:55 pm

Shitting. “ I were you I start working 80 , 90 hours a week”. I want to write about a southern guy who’s done with his life that runs over a twink. His freedom from his life comes at the cost of some one else’s. That’s the theme. I want to blow away my fiction class. I want to make a Paul Thomas Anderson esc story.

Preparing myself to go to grocery store so I don’t just eat chocolate like yesterday.

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applesauce365 · 1 year

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I still remember the day tanay (my first boyfriend) told me that I'm the most unromantic person he has ever met and that I'll never know what true love feels like.

Context : I had told him earlier that day - "I don't believe in dil (= heart). Your brain controls your emotions"

We broke up within the following few days. And I never looked back. But some part of me was always scared... what if he's right? What if I really am incapable of loving someone?

This is actually a pretty old story (winter 2015-16). I just remembered it today. Because after that day I had always believed that I can save myself and that I'll never need a man. Of course I'll date someone if I like him and I want to date him but I can ditch anyone and everyone for my career. That's what I thought. And I had successfully done that for the past 6-7 years, until yesterday. I still remember the day I told arghya that since I'm not important to him, I'll focus on myself and my career because "ছেলে আসবে যাবে" (sounds so mean and rude, now that I wrote it down and read it out loud). I can't believe I said that to his face, must've been painful to hear that from the person you love. <I'm such a bitch>

And I think I actually believed that I can throw away anything, anyone, any feelings or any emotions that gets in the way of my career. People come and go, but my career and my success will be mine for as long as I'm alive - this is what I thought. Until yesterday, when I realised I can't let everything/everyone go because of my personal goals. I was very so sure that I was going to be fine, I played 'Unapologetic Bitch' by Madonna on repeat and sang along, and kept reminding myself that my soft girl era is over. And that I'm on my own now, and that it's okay because I've always been alone to begin with.

Then arghya said that he's going to give up NEET. And that he can't take this anymore it's messing with his mental health. Honestly, I still don't what is it that I felt or why I felt that way but my voice choked and suddenly tears were rolling down my cheeks and before I could think about what's going on I was sobbing. And all I could think of was that if arghya's giving up mbbs, I will too. There's no way I'm doing this without him. That's when I knew I cannot throw this man away - not for my career, not for anything. It actually took me 12 hours to come to this realisation. I texted arghya an hour or two ago explaining why he cannot give up on NEET. And then he called, I heard his voice and started to choke up again. Then brainstormed what could be going on. (And wow, as I'm typing this I'm still discovering just how much I must be in love with him for it to hurt this much).

New level unlocked 🔓 : a man that I love more than my career and myself - Arghya Bandyopadhyay.

I'll always remember how much he wanted to leave BVSc and this hellhole called Mohanpur and he chose to get out of here together - with me. He offered to be my safe place and commit to me because he wanted me to feel loved. That's probably one of the reasons I fell for him this hard. And I can't leave him behind and focus on myself. I just can't.

I did not know I was capable of loving someone this much.

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muddyorbsblr · 1 year

Note

So sorry that you're hurt, I hope it gets better ASAP! 🧡 If you're still answering questions, I'd love to ask: how did you get into writing fan fic and/or what advice would you give to new writers? I've really admired your work since I joined tumblr and I'm super thankful that you share your work with us!! 🥰

Thank you! 💖 The foot itself only hurts now when I put weight on the outer part of it and the knee's bruising badly and it's warm to the touch but I generally have mobility for it now.

How I got into fanfic writing…Well it started when I was 12 and I wanted to write down what happened in a dream of mine, and then it turned into this whole story that I wrote in a little school notebook. I kept going like that for a while before I started typing them down when I got my own computer at…I wanna say 14? And then I started posting as well under a name & ff.net + AO3 account that I've retired long ago.

After that I more or less left the scene when I was 17 and started college, and only really came back full force last year with 'what's today again?' that really only happened because I joined in on this thread about Loki lifting the reader with a single arm and also something a coworker of mine said and that led to me saying "I think I might be able to write something about this" and approximately 24 hours later, that oneshot was born 😅

Since then my brain's gone back to writer mode and every idea I have I scribble down somewhere so that I could see if I could extend it into either a 1k+ word story or a drabble. Granted, some of them just stay an idea, but most of them are stories that are incoming sometime in the future. 😳👀 Needless to say, since writing that story, my brain hasn't stopped churning out new ideas and I've so far been able to bend what grasp I have of the English language to my will and create stories for y'all to enjoy 😅

My advice for new writers would be this: It doesn't matter how silly or mundane your idea might seem. Post it anyways because I can guarantee you there will always be an audience for your ideas. If you wanna just write a little thing about Loki & YN making coffee together in the morning, do it. We love slice of life stories here. It doesn't have to be epic. It doesn't need a bad guy. It just needs for you to have put your heart into it and I promise you the rest will follow.

send me a 'get to know the blogger' ask to distract me from my foot injury

#get to know the blogger asks #cultofcarter asks #muddyorbsblr answers

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tallestcat · 1 year

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100 Days of Productivity [1/100 to 7/100]

I have not been able to concentrate well. I'm distracted by YouTube, podcasts, my phone, my laptop, everything. My brain has rotted to the point where if I don't hear noise, I can't do anything. Winters are especially hard for me to get started in anything even though it will be 100 degrees in Summer everyday and even worse than it is now. I've been working from home since Nov 2020 and every day is the same. I was in online school from June (?) 2018 to June 2020 so nothing changed for me. I don't have many responsibilities and there is a lot of leeway if I ever need more time to complete something.

I started watching James Scholz a few months ago either by his ThinkPad videos, to justify the time I bought a $250 ebay craptop for school, or by his 'how I studied for 12 hours a day for over a year' video to learn how to study like an Asian. I'm Asian too, just not the type that can study for 12 hours a day lmao. I find it kind of pathetic that my millennial boomer ass is motivated by someone 10 years younger than me but he's really becoming the best version of himself. At the place I am in my life, there's a lot of room for me to improve. Seeing him work on screen has really helped me stay on task. I was stuck watching a bunch of videos on productivity trying to find the best productivity systems and methods veering into toxic productivity, the short answer is you just have to start doing shit. So here I am, starting to do shit.

If I can sustain my hard work, I too can buy a house. Not for my mom but for my future kids. I know how batshit housing prices are so I can't just be happy with 70 or 90k. I can't just be like, 'I have enough for rent and eating out 2x a week' - I need more. The usual equation is 3x-4x your salary is how much house you can afford depending on how comfortable you want to be. I need a lot more if I want my kids to have a nice safe school with good academics they want to be at. I got standards, 8 or higher on greatschools.com.

I started my 100 Days of Productivity on Wednesday March 1, 2023. Starting a challenge in the middle of the week makes my calendar stupid ugly but here we are. I created a small database on Notion, hopefully not revealing any sensitive work information, I kept it as vague as possible. My goal for the week was 2H focus, the actual amount was 1.49H excluding meetings. I'm recording these pomodoros/flomodoros in Forest. 30M focus is a slog, some tasks only take 10M, but 60M was torture.

I'm watching the patreon stream videos because they're a little more interesting but have no music. I'm making my way through the Umineko soundtrack since I never gave it a chance.

#100 days of productivity #100 day challenge #100dop #work with me #i’m not focused #drive #motivation #just elderly millenial things #Youtube

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misbit · 2 years

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ADHD is basically destroying my life and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been in college for almost a decade. I’ve changed majors three times because I’ll get a good way through it and get frustrated or realize that I no longer care for the subject. I’ve failed classes because I’ve forgotten important due dates or got so frustrated I stopped making an effort. And I’ve been late to class pretty much every day since day one back in 2014. And I’m finally almost done - finally but I can feel my brain starting to slip back into the “this no longer interests me thus I will be making no effort” mindset it always does. I don’t drive. I have a car but I don’t do anything with it. It’s not that I haven’t tried - I’ve tried for years to do it. But when I’ve gone out to practice I’ve made so many “could have resulted in an accident” type mistakes because I’m not paying attention, that I’m scared to get a license which makes me obligated to get myself places. Currently I’m stressing myself out because I misplaced a very important document. I should have filed taxes four months ago but didn’t know where I put this document. I still don’t. My entire apartment is such a mess from my being so disorganized, I don’t even know where to begin. I didn’t get a tax return because of my disorganization and I’m stressed out worried that I might accidentally owe and be on the hook when I can’t file because I don’t know how to keep my life together. I want to get diagnosed. I would love to be able to get ADHD coaching and medication and academic accommodations. Those would be life changing. But I don’t want to be dismissed as lazy or just “a bit forgetful”. I don’t want to be diagnosed with anxiety and depression again. I don’t want to be thought of as “dr*g seeking” if I mention the possible benefits medication would have for me. I don’t want to pay all kinds of money to see someone only to subconsciously mask my symptoms the way I do with my autism. I don’t want to pay all kinds of money just for a professional to brush me off or minimize my struggles. Plus, there aren’t even people in my area who are able to diagnose it. Which means trying to find a way to get four hours away just hoping I won’t have to repeat the process if the psych in question does dismiss my symptoms. And many require “proof” that the symptoms were present in childhood. So that means hoping that my mom kept report cards from pre-2007 and hoping that my teachers made notes of these specific things. Or they may want to interview people who knew me back then which leaves... literally my mom - like that is the only person I know who knew me before age 12. My mom, someone who got mad at me when i was diagnosed with depression as a teen because it “made her look bad”. I’m sure she would totally take time off work to talk to a psych so I could get diagnosed with something she’s, on many occasions, called a “fake disorder made up just to push meds onto kids”. So that just leaves me here hoping I can figure something out. Basically it’s hope I can get the help I need or keep sitting here self destructing because I struggle with things so many people seem to be able to do so naturally. I want someone to sit down with me and tell me what I can do to help myself. I want medications to “flip a switch” on my executive functions so I can pay attention to conversations, so I can keep my life straight, so I can maybe almost function. I want accommodations at school so i can take exams in the testing center where every page turn and sound outside doesn’t break my focus and eat up time. But no, it’s never that easy. So I guess I’ll just be here, sitting in my mess of an apartment, typing this up when I should be studying, trying to find a document I lost months ago. So yeah, I guess I just wanted to rant. Maybe people have advice but I don’t know. I’m just burnt out from trying to keep myself from falling apart.

#Rant #Personal #ADHD #please don't reblog #Although advice would be kinda nice

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nope-body · 2 years

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(11:55) Started my meds up again and remembered exactly why I wanted to get off of clonazepam: (7 weeks w/ nothing, took c last night, c and v this morning at ~8:30)

- It makes my fatigue worse, both physically and mentally.

- I’m pretty sure it’s either making my ‘stand up and get dizzy lose vision’ worse or is the cause of it

- Taking it alongside vyvanse (gives me energy) essentially gives me the feeling of “I’m exhausted and need a break but I can’t stop now I have to keep going” which (tired, need break, typing & thinking too hard, arm tired, 11:57) (restart 12:00) is harmful because it encourages me to ignore the signs my body is sending me, which results in me being out of touch with my needs, ignoring them, and pushing myself too hard. Important part of my recovery, coping, and self care is learning my boundaries and enforcing them

- Slower thoughts- sluggish. Can’t remember words I want even though I use them regularly and know they’re there (recall issues). Do not want to slow my thoughts- NOT A GOAL

- The time it takes to formulate ideas is much longer, can’t think clearly, loose track of what I’m trying to say 9 times out of ten, cannot communicate clearly and precisely like I’m used to

- Slower typing, more reliance on auto fill for words I normally would have just typed out instead of occasionally using autocorrect for mistyped words, lots more revision to get it close to normal typing, far more typos but eyes are tired so not moving as much so use keyboard and delete key more, and word suggestion bar less

-Can’t remember 3 minutes ago- working memory has become way worse

- heart rate of 128 lying down after lying down for 20 minutes

- feel shaky and very weak

- disorganized thoughts- more than usual with ADHD

- negative- brain still jumping topic to topic, but now only able to have one train of conscious thought at once and multiple subconscious trains that pop up randomly (instead of multiple conscious trains I can choose to jump between always)

- Trouble formulating grammatically correct full sentences or correct/consistent formatting, brain too tired

- brain fog, can’t think clearly, have to fight and use way more energy than usual to think

- sensory issues exacerbated, when they get worse, I get more irritable because sensory overload

- Still experience the positive: Clonazepam makes the mountains shorter, vyvanse gives me more energy to get over them (mountains are executive functioning barriers, mostly task startup, continuation, focus, completion. Largely being able to want to do something and then being able to get up to do it when I want)

Biggest issues: (italics if I know it’s v related), (?) if I don’t know what is causing it, strikethrough if I think it’s because my system still needs to get used to meds

physical side effects- fatigue, weakness, heart rate

Mental side effects: mental fatigue/sluggishness, poor working memory, trouble organizing thoughts/ideas (category organizing on single topic, multiple different thoughts at once not counted as this) (?), brain fog, invisible thought trains (?), communication/language issues (?)

Will look into clonazepam and vyvanse side effects and go back and mark each with a c or a v if it’s a common or rare side effect for clonazepam or vyvanse. (?) if it’s unknown, (c?) or (v?) if I think it might be clonazepam or vyvanse based on how they work (Edits above in bold)

(12:38)

Edit (12:42):

Side effects that overlap between meds are bolded, overlap within meds are italicized

C side effects I experience from the list of common side effects off of drugs.com:

drowsiness/sleepiness or unusual drowsiness/tiredness-

if I lay down (before the edit the post was written laying down, this is written sitting up), I feel like I’m going to fall asleep immediately, and if I’m tired I want to lay down and take a nap. All I did this morning was walk a few blocks to the farmer’s market, wander there a bit, and walk back, that took all of an hour and a half, hour and 45 minutes? Not enough to exhaust you so much you immediately want to go and take a nap. I also struggled to wake up this morning, it took me half an hour or more compared to my normal five minutes off of meds.

dizziness-

minor, mostly when standing up, turning my head/any part of my body. Probably something to do with where the blood is going

lack of appetite-

could be v or c, both cause it, but I am never hungry when on my meds. Off of them I’m ravenous

poor coordination-

fumbling, tripping, not setting things down as gently as I meant to, spilling more water than usual when watering plants, also ‘unsteadiness, trembling, or other problems with muscle control or coordination’

shakiness and unsteady walk-

felt very shaky and weak when walking, like I might fall over suddenly or my legs might collapse randomly. Walking feels like I’m walking in a trance or a dream, also ‘unsteadiness, trembling, or other problems with muscle control or coordination’

trouble concentrating-

mental fatigue and sluggishness, poor working memory, trouble organizing thoughts/ideas (category organizing on single topic, multiple different thoughts at once not counted as this), brain fog, invisible thought trains interrupting my train of thought

unsteadiness, trembling, or other problems with muscle control or coordination-

see ‘unusual tiredness or weakness’, ‘shakiness and unsteady walk’, and ‘poor coordination’

unusual tiredness or weakness-

feel very weak. I know I’m strong and am the strongest person on tech crew but moving my body feels exhausting, much less carrying things. It feels like I wouldn’t be able to hold a heavy jar of pickles, it would just slip out of my hand, also ‘unsteadiness, trembling, or other problems with muscle control or coordination’

V side effects I experience from the list of incidence not known side effects off of drugs.com:

dizziness-

see ‘dizziness’ under c

fast, irregular, pounding, or racing heartbeat or pulse-

had a pulse of 128 after lying down for 20 minutes.

irritability-

see ‘talking or acting with excitement you cannot control’

joint or muscle pain-

experience this, no correlation to when I have taken/not taken vyvanse

lack of appetite-

see ‘lack of appetite’ under c

poor coordination-

see ‘poor coordination’ under c

talking or acting with excitement you cannot control-

do this normally, but is much more common when on vyvanse, also get more irritated when repeatedly interrupted while on vyvanse versus not on vyvanse

trouble concentrating-

see ‘trouble concentrating’ under c

unusual tiredness or weakness-

see ‘unusual tiredness or weakness’ under c

(Edit done 1:28)

@nope-body

#posting here so I can remind myself about this later

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