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starseneyes · 4 months

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The Catharsis of Healing - Doctor Who - Doctor 14

It was 2005 and my then-boyfriend and I were studying at the University of Leicester.

During Spring Break, we traveled Europe, including spending some time with various British mates. And one afternoon in Reading, we were readying to go to the pub with our Uni friend and her Dad when a clip played on the tele for Doctor Who.

Before we go any further...

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the 2023 Doctor Who specials and/or want to remain unspoiled, turn back. I won't say much, but what I do say will ruin absolutely everything. So, off with you, if you wish to remain ignorant! If you don't mind spoilers or already know what you're in for, let's continue...

Not understanding the tone of the show, Matthew and I exchanged a shrug. But, somehow, we ended up watching the show, anyway. And that was how we met Doctor #9 portrayed by Christopher Eccleston, and Rose Tyler played by Billie Piper.

Doctor #9 had an edge to him and a lot of darkness brewing within. But, at that point, I was Rose. I was this young, 20-something who was just starting to explore the world.

While Rose traveled the cosmos and timeline in the TARDIS, Matthew and I took the train. A lot less elegant, but no less an adventure. We even visited some of the same places the Doctor would visit! Although, Pompeii wasn’t quite as alive during our trip as it would be when Doctor #10 and Donna popped in.

But as we were discovering Doctor Who, we were still in a point of discovery about ourselves. We were looking to those who had gone before to guide us, to help us along our path.

June 9, 2006, Eccleston left the role and Tennant popped into view for the first time. And as Doctor #10 came into being, so did post-Uni Rachel. I graduated in June of 2006.

And in that way I saw Tennant’s take on The Doctor in a completely different way than I had Eccleston’s. Of course, each actor brings their own flavor to the role. But, I was a newbie and still getting used to that.

So, with Tennant, I found myself relating more to the Doctor than the companions. And so, when he said, "I don't want to go" before he left us, I was utterly devastated.

By the time Tennant returned to the role in 2023, oh, life had taken turns. Now, I've never led a gentle life. I raised both my parents more than they raised me, and I have had my share of abuse.

But the strain of the last few years between the break in, Matthew's nephew dying, Matthew's great-nephew dying at age 5, Matthew's mother's worsening dementia, the medical bills, the fights for my kids' needs at school, the one really abusive client I finally shed, and everything... plus a Pandemic? Illness? Death?

It's been a constant barrage of bad with no time for that most needed thing—healing.

And so when David Tennant returned to the role with a face I remember well from an era of transition in my life, I remembered the weight and strain of my post-uni years and met that with all the strain experienced in the years between.

We are tired. We are broken. We never stopped to say, "What the hell?!" because there simply hasn't been time. And for the Doctor—who seemingly has so much more time than any of us—to be exactly in the same position is reflective of the state of the world.

He needed healing. So do we.

So when Doctor #15 as portrayed by Ncuti Gatwa looks to his younger self and tells him that he is seen, that he is loved, that he has permission to rest, that they will be okay because he puts in the work to heal... It's the permission each and every one of us needs to give ourselves.

Yes, the bigeneration was unprecedented and ruffled feathers. But as I watched Doctor #14 sit at a table surrounded by people who love him, by people who will give him space to heal, by the community he has craved but always lacked in the end as he took off, again, alone... I felt that in my soul.

Sometimes we need a happy ending. I've talked often about Sullivan's Travels (1941)—a film that takes a hard look at why people need to laugh in hard times. It's such a genius film, and I absolutely recommend you check it out if you haven't. Complete classic.

When the world beats us down, we don't need a mirror to remind us how much it sucks. Sometimes, we need a little joy, a little love, and a little space for healing.

So, I don't mind that Doctor #14 is out there while #15 is continuing the mission, taking the journeys, pursuing the future and past. Gatwa will absolutely make it his own, and has already proven he is more than up to the task. What a sensational choice!

But to see Tennant's #14 giving himself permission to heal... it's just what I needed. Because, golly, maybe I still have some healing to do. And that's okay. I can give myself permission to heal and rest.

And so can you. Give yourself permission. It's okay. You've got you.

#Doctor Who #Doctor Who Spoilers #Ncuti Gatwa #David Tennant #The Doctor #Fourteenth Doctor #Fifteenth Doctor #doctor who 60th anniversary

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mariannesbones · 5 months

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vent post

back in april this year i was unwillingly placed into outpatient 'recovery'. worst. fucking. decision. ever.

after being assessed in the hospital, i was told that my health was too critical to start therapy before coaxing myself into eating; that i would have to be fattened up straight away before i suffered from serious complications, and changing my mindset would happen after. essentially, the institution decided to place my physical health of higher value than my mental health.

looking back on this now, it absolutely outrages me. i was never in the mindset of 'recovery' in the first place, but if the doctors wanted me to go down the path of healing, why wouldn't they try to build healthy habits surrounding food first?? they took a girl severely deep into her disorder, stuffed her like a prize pig, and expected her to be fine with it??

FORCED RECOVERY NEVER WORKS.

i gained back all the weight i had lost, surpassed my starting weight and seemed to become the fattest i had ever been. sure, i'm in the 'healthy' weight range, bordering on underweight, but the change is so obvious to me that it makes me want to rip the flesh off from my grotesque, chubby body every time i catch my reflection in the mirror.

the way i gained it back wasn't healthy either. i was banned from exercise, meaning any weight i put on was purely fat, no muscle mass at all. that also meant that when i was allowed to exercise again in september, i had severe difficulty doing so due to the long break.

yep - i was able to exercise better when i was 'critically unhealthy' as opposed to now, in a seemingly 'healthy' body.

i've been stuck on a meal plan since i started, which my parents have made me stick to and have punished me for deviating from it. three sickeningly calorific meals every day with three fattening snacks inbetween. i'm being treated like a toddler, except with far less independence.

being thrust straight into 'recovery' also triggered binge cycles. i would gorge on stupidly unreasonable amounts of sweet food, feel miserable about myself, but i would be unable to do anything about it. too terrified to purge, too lonely to stop the bingeing.

my social life flourished whilst i was at my lowest weight, too. now that i resent my body even more than i did back then, i barely go out to see anybody. they say that anorexia is the most isolating of illnesses, but what's even more isolating, i would argue, is being forced into a false 'recovery'. all the thoughts are still there but you're not allowed to express them. all the worst fears you could have possibly imagined before have become true. now that you're 'healthy' you simply cannot feel ungrateful for your current situation, all the work you've put in, all the help you've received.

but why should i feel grateful when it's ruined me?

i've never hated my body more in my life. i genuinely think i would rather die than to have to see my body every day, to feel this useless lump of flesh, bag of fat, to know that i failed myself completely. i don't have anything to live for anymore. by making me 'recover', they took away the only motivator i had left in life. at least when i was losing the weight i had goals and ambitions, but now? i have nothing. just fat. i've sunk into this pit of depression but i think i fell too far down to be able to climb out. i trusted people, i told them how i felt, and this is what they did to me in return.

nobody ever sees it from my perspective.

i think the worst part now is that i won't ever be taken seriously. i don't think i look fat enough to have people understand the extent of the disorder. if i told someone that this was the worst the anorexia had ever been, they would scoff, say that i haven't lost weight in months, so how could that possibly be true. inside, there's nothing left, she's hollow, consumed up completely by the disorder that doesn't want to eat.

i'm so fed up. i want to go back to liking myself. either it happens soon or i die trying

#i need to get this out to someone somewhere or else i think i might explode

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anicekidlikeme · 6 days

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Fuck you, Mr. Ireland.

What I am about to do feels like opening the biggest box in a storage room full of neatly packed items. I am going to be embarassed, and teary, but it's okay. Telling stories and retelling stories is such an important impulse, and I must set her free. For whoever is able to find this atleast.

I used to laugh so much that my throat would get sore. And I feel like i was a different woman then and I am a whole other one now. Everyone makes such a big show about being sexually assaulted. They call you brave, they say it is not your fault, and whatever else is in the manual of saying all the right things. Touched, ruined, decreased in value are more like the words I would use, but fuck, sexual assault survivor works too. I still cant find the courage to tell my mother, but it is nice to daydream of a reality where she finds out, holds me tight, says its okay and its not my fault. I want her to say she likes me. But that won't happen.

Therapy helps. It's evident. I have come such a long way from not being able to shower for days, not able to leave the home of my then boyfriend, not wanting to eat. God it sucked. I learned nothing from it. And I want to honor that. I left my friends behind just to run as far away as I could from what I thought was a big danger sign with a bomb on it. It's not so graceful wishing ill on someone, but jeez, I cannot fucking help it. You know he's in Italy right now? Or Spain, or London. Im not sure. He could be fucking anywhere and he'd be standing high and mighty, with so much power over me. I truly believe that if you wouldnt wish the worst on your worst enemy, you need worse enemies. This man is my worst enemy, and sincerely, fuck him. I wonder if he thinks I won. I wonder if he did win. My brain fucking trots every day thinking about that. I get so used to feeling bad sometimes I wish I could just lay down and watch everyday pass. Not reacting.

You wouldnt believe how many hugs I have gotten from my friends since that day, but not one felt comforting. It didn't make me go wow, it feels like im ready to put this past me. To start fresh. I set such a strict deadline for myself for when i should have been fully healed, but oh my god was that a stupid idea and a giant failure. I will probably have moments of grief for the rest of my life, and you know what, I want to fucking honor that too. My boyfriend and I were joking around the other day about what the worst crime ever could be. Of course he went with murder, and its no shocker what I picked. I told him so casually, atleast you get to die and it’s all over when you're murdered. With Sexual Assault, you are a victim forever. Sorry, I meant "survivor". Fucking bullshit word.

I am working on it, and everyday is better. But if anyone would like to hold me all day, wow would that be awesome. I could use a full day of being held. For the longest time, I felt such shame asking my friends for help just for me to be able to function normally. They are truly the most patient, loving and generous people in the world. They protected my heart with such gentleness.

I wish sometimes that I had so much money that I could make everything work out for me just the way I wanted. I choose to go back to New York and live in a large large apartment with plenty of windows. I'd ask Drew if he wanted to come. We'd live close to all my friends, and host dinner parties. Enjoy the city (which you can only do with 2 mountains of cash). In a few years, we'd have a kid, and move to the suburbs. I would love to make babies with Drew. They would be so smart, kind, gentle, loving, and talented. I have never felt that way before for anyone (Sorry past boyfriends). We'd start a cute coffee shop together, and live out the rest of our days with no worry.

Im not even close to having that kind of money, but thats okay. To have people in your life that make you want to imagine your whole future with them is so special. There is no way he won.

Fuck you Mr. Ireland.

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danniesenio · 5 months

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The feeling, say you're stuck in a room with someone. The person being so familiar, someone you've known your whole life and at the same time they just feels like they're a complete stranger. Your mind playing tricks on you. You telling yourself this is someone that's meant to be in your life for a lifetime. More than a friend, family. But there comes a point in your life where you need to release certain people from your life.

We are on two completely different paths in life. From our personalities down to our interests, how we treat other people, our mannerisms. Not a single thing we shared together except our memories of our friendship and it slowly deteriorating. You knew & so did I but I felt we held on for so long. But for what?

Too many times we were in and out of each other's lives. But feelings were always one sided. I felt too deeply. I apologized when I never needed to. I stayed longer than I should've. I reached out and connected when the connection was long gone. But I kept telling myself, "I want my best friend back in my life". I kept justifying your actions and disrespect towards me. I kept trying to be understanding in situations where it wasn't even justifiable nor understandable. Dealing with someone with a certain mental illness and justifying their actions because of their disorder at some point you have to learn there's just no changing others nor making them understand or view you from your point of view. Dealing with someone that cannot maintain healthy relationships. Whether it be platonic or romantic. Their emotions being extreme, being manic 24/7, chaotic, having suicidal tendencies, resulting to drugs, alcohol and medications. It hurt me letting you go. But I know I'll heal. I know I'll learn to love myself. I feared letting people in my life because I felt they'll treat me the same way you did. I couldn't express myself to you without you feeling attacked. Without you shutting me out. Without you going to your room and slamming the door because I or someone ruined your mood, your day. I spent more time socializing with your family than I did with you.

You won't ever admit you need help. And if you do, it'll be for a realization for just a moment that doesn't last too long. I tried to understand you. But I don't think you even understood yourself. It hurt losing someone that meant so much to me. Because, even through the bad times there were also good times

But the bad outweighed the good. And it wasn't enough for me to stay in your life. Continuously, feeling like an accessory. I felt like you wanted me around to just be there. Keep you company. You couldn't stand being alone. But I felt like I was your last resort. Not your first choice. You went from calling me your best friend to a friend and now, a stranger with memories. Knowing how much that title meant of a best friend meant to us. It came down to you questioning why we were even friends to begin with and pointing out yourself we had nothing in common.

Over the years I stopped being a yes man to you. I stopped showing up for you 24/7. I stopped doing whatever it took to make you happy. Making sure you were having a good day. Making sure everything was "perfect". Anytime id call you out or begin to tell you how you treated me you'd go thru periods of time where you'd stop talking. We'd reconnect and you wouldn't ever remember why we stopped talking or why you shut me out for days, months, years. So, my trauma that has stayed with me because of it, you're living your life like it's just another day. I will no longer continue to allow myself to be disrespected. Nor will I justify your actions. I want better for myself. You were my best friend, your family was my second family. And I had the most love and respect for you all. But I never got that in return. For once in my life I want to prioritize my peace, my happiness. And choose those that choose me.

I've never felt so belittled before.

The good times we had, id say we were in our early twenties, when we started going clubbing, socializing with so many people, going so many places, going on so many friend dates, giving gifts to one another. I've kept every single hand written letter you've ever given me, every birthday card, every plushie, and honestly I'll keep them forever because even though it, hurts all that you and I both have been thru. You were a huge part of my life. But I'm thankful for the times you were there. The times you were supportive throughout my transition, during the loss of my father & all my hardships. But we aren't who we used to be. I pray oneday you do get the help you need. But we no longer serve purpose in each other's lives. We both deserve better.

Just, take care & goodbye.

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butterbuni · 3 years

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♥ Chapter 4 ~ Morning Chaos ♥

Previous Chapter

"Kean! I can't find my sneakers anywhere!" I yelled while frantically turning my room upside down. "I'm going to be late! Argh!" "Sorry N/n (Nickname), can't help you or I will be late for work...again but check with mom." He kissed me on the forehead yelling good luck as he left the house.

"Hey Hey Hey, May I come in," Star said already walking in. "Hey Star mind being useful for a second. I can't find my workout shoes anywhere. You know the ones that open up at the bottom and I still haven't had any breakfast yet." I slumped down on the floor. "Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe I'm not supposed to become a hero." "Stop being so dramatic, maybe if you spent less time playing video games you would be able to keep track of your stuff." Star pulled me up from the floor.

"Let's at least eat something. I'm starved and your mom always makes the best food." I knocked him in the shoulder "Maybe she can teach your mom how to cook instead of making burnt mac and cheese. Seriously though how do you burn mac and cheese." "I honestly don't know," Star and I laughed as we entered the kitchen.

"Good morning mom," I sat on one of the stools slumping my head onto the counter. "Good morning Ms. L/N," Star said as he sat beside me. "What's wrong with her this time," Mom said. I could hear the happiness in her voice. At least she's not too tired from her last night shift. "She lost-" "I did not lose anything, I simply misplaced my special workout shoes, the ones that open at the bottom." I shot my head up trying to defend myself. "Misplaced" Star sarcastically said putting air quotes. "Thank you for the meal!" We both said as Mom placed the dishes in front of us.

"Hun your shoes are in the garage you put them there after training with Kean the other day," Mom said with a sigh. "O mah gah tank you," I said with my face stuffed with food. I hopped out of the stool running towards the garage and mom yelling for me not to talk and run with my mouth full. I could hear Star laughing at my antics. I opened the door and sure enough, they were there.

"I am meant to become a hero!" I yelled as I triumphantly marched back into the kitchen like a champ with my shoes in hand. "YEAHHHH!" Star said holding in his laughter. "Hun are you hundred percent sure this is what you want to do. There's nothing wrong with using your quirk to heal people as I do. That way you won't get hurt or targeted by villains." Mom said worried as she was cleaning up after breakfast. This isn't the first time she has tried to get me to change my mind. She's been trying constantly for the last 10 months. "It's okay mom it's just hero school and so what if when I become a hero villains target me. If I can get into U.A I'll be well trained to take care of myself just fine. Which shouldn't be a problem since Kean has trained me even harder these last few months and got me into recommendation so ill be alright." I said with a big grin on my face.

"Yeah plus it's not like villains will want her she can't even pass basic geometry"

"Really Star! You're going to make fun of my grades right now? Besides I won't need things like geometry when I become a hero!"

"You kids should probably get going if you don't want to be late for the entrance exam"

Shoot. I practically leaped up the stairs and burst into my bedroom. I scanned the once clean room now ruined by searching for my shoes. I spotted my backpack and quickly grabbed it putting in any random workout clothes. I grabbed some flashcards that Star made for me and put those in too. Hopefully, it will help me prep for the written portion of the exam today. quickly changed into my school uniform.

"Hurry up Y/N or we will be seriously late!"

"I'm coming. I'm coming!" I said practically bouncing off each step with my backpack in hand.

"Bye Mom, I'm going to do my best and become a hero and it all starts at U.A!" I was so giddy and jumpy as I left home.

"Don't be so giddy you still have to pass the written exam too! Now, what is the 12th element of the periodic table?" Star grumbled but I could tell he was also happy as we walked over to U.A. "Magnesium!!" I giggled.

~Time Skip~

"Isn't this so exciting? We are here at U.A very soon we will be here again as students." I smiled at Star while we walked through the large gates of the school. "It is pretty exciting to be here. For the first time ever I think I might be nervous about an exam I prepared for, "Star said weakly. It was a rare sight to see. He is always so confident especially when it comes to exams. I went ahead facing him and said, "If anyone deserves to be here it's you and when we pass we will become heroes together. Remember the glass is half full." He looked at me and smiled too. His smile slowly turning to a smirk looking at something behind me.

"Good morning to ya Izuku." Star chirped walking ahead of me. I turned around and saw our green-haired friend looking very flustered. Probably very nervous. "Heya Izuku." I ran over to where he and Star were standing.

"G-Goodmornig L/N. Good morning Mochizuki," Izuku said nervously.

"I already told you it's okay to call me by my first name, no need to be so formal it makes me feel old and I'm only 15. No wrinkles on me."

"Not yet, but soon if you keep playing video games at all hours of the night." Star laughed.

I punched him in the shoulder. It wasn't even that hard but he made faces that made it look like I punched him super hard. "Y/N you hurt me, I was only teasing." He had a slight smirk on his face. I scoffed and turned my attention back to our friend.

"Shall we go in and take the exam that decides our futur-"

"Move it extras or I'll kill you." I heard Katsuki say from behind us. It was more of a yell though. I let out a heavy sigh that quickly turned to a smirk as I turned to face Katsuki.

"Good morning to you too Katsuki. I would like to see you try and kill me. Aren't you trying to become a hero, you can't go killing people." I sneered at him. "You don't want to fail before you even start do you." He just kept walking ignoring me.

"At least acknowledge my witty remark! That was really hard to come up with y'know." "There there I thought it was funny," Star said as he patted me on my head. I turned my attention back to Izuku. "Well, I'll see you later guys I need to find auditorium b. PLUS ULTRA!" I waved at them seeing Izuku who was still standing there all nervous like. I ran up the stairs with a big smile on my face. This is it. This is where it all begins. This is where I can become a hero and it starts with this exam.

~Shoto's POV~

"At least acknowledge my witty remark!..." I looked up from the ground to see a rather loud girl disrupting my thoughts. Why is everyone so loud. Earlier some guy was I my personal space. Don't these people have any decency? It's just a test.

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sainadazai · 3 years

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Chapter 5

^^^

A/n Hey I drew a lil doodoo drawing of y/ns suit

So yeah, this was a quick one when I was bored. Maybe Ill do more art for this book and better art later. I also apologize for the body type being on the side of thin- curvy.

I simply drew the common body shape for MHA's animated style, and then made the thighs a lil thicker because I felt like a garter deserves some nice thighs . If its not your body type, or it offends you, I apologize, and I can take it off this story if it bothers anyone.

Anyway..

On the way out of school that day, you could faintly hear the quarrel of two boys from your class, the ones whose fight earlier scared Ojiro. They seemed to have so much in common, and yet it pitted against them. They needed a wake up call, but it wasn't yours to give. The yelling was hard to just walk by, but you did your best to tune it out, you'd ease dropped enough earlier when you watched them put their hearts into their battle on the screen.

Still, your mind was preoccupied, so you walked past them easily, not even sparing a glance. Eyes stuck to the ground in concentration. Just trying to follow the little scrapes and grooves in the sidewalk you stood on.

Todoroki said thank you, after you apologized. As if he'd never heard it before, that's what his voice sounded like. Like no one ever noticed that fear he had in those heterochromatic eyes. Whatever happened to him, stuck with him. Bothered him, even. You could just tell.

Why hadn't you said something more? Or maybe all you said was all he neede-

"Oof!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you," He did see you, he saw you from meters away, looking at the ground. Perfect time for him to execute his plan.

You looked up from your spot on the ground, having fallen over. There stood Shoto Todoroki, in all his deadpan glory, looking down at you. He wasn't offering a hand so you did your best to stand on your own while keeping your underwear hidden. The boy didn't seem like the type who would look, but you never know.

"Ah, don't worry, um, its my fault anyways." You had been waiting for the chance to talk to him, but now he stood in front of you, there was nothing you felt comfortable saying. Earlier in class you totally embarrassed yourself in front of him, and then scared him. In a mean way too, in a trauma way.

"I don't really see how it's your fault."

So he did want to talk to you? He could have simply left after the brief apologies, but he stayed, protesting your claim. That and the privacy, made it much easier to respond to the boy.

"Well, I was staring at the ground, so not really the best way to walk through a place where anyone else could be." You kept your gaze at his shoes, to prevent from overthinking and getting flustered. This was supposed to be the beginning of a great friendship.

"Hm, you always look at the ground?" He pondered seriously, as you used his voice to block out the sounds of yelling a couple hundred meters away.

What was he implying with that question? Did he mean it as an insult, or was he just curious? He always seemed so sincere with his words, blunt but soft. It was strange to you, but it felt trustworthy.

"What do you mean?"

"You always seem to be looking at the ground, like in the quirk assessment test, and when you were beating me earlier. Why do you do that, L/n?" Todoroki took a step forward, standing one meter away from you.

"I guess to distract myself?" You were guessing out loud, but again something about it felt okay. Like you could say whatever you wanted and he would still just be there, curious eyes staring down at you.

"What are you distracting yourself fr-"

"You were super cool in the training earlier!" You almost yelled at him, not feeling like describing the eyes that felt so prying on you every time you spoke. Similarly not wishing to relive all the years where talking got you beat up in alleys on your walk home, and black eyes began to mark your face more commonly than not. It's not like that would be important to him, at least your wounds healed.

He had that trauma, whatever it was, constantly screaming at him in the mirrors or reflections of himself. A scar that widens his stoic eyes at the mere presence of heat, something that must hurt him very badly. Your childhood bullies are nothing to him, so it's best to talk about anything else.

"Oh, um thank you, L/n, but you were the one who won after all. I won't let you best me again, you know."

"Oh, I um, I'm not sure that win was fair.." You rubbed the back of your neck, hiding your embarrassment for your actions earlier. It didn't seem to cross your mind that what you did was actually what you were supposed to do. All you could think of was the look in his eyes that you put there, and you didnt ever wanna see it again.

Todoroki could sense that feeling of guilt in you, he'd felt it plenty of times before. Alone in his room when he dreams of his mothers face, sitting at his desk at school, thinking of all of the times he lost control of his quirk as a kid, in training. He learned to see it in others, you felt like it was an unfair win because you had scared him. That was your job, though, wasn't it? Why were you so upset at your success? He didn't understand.

"Did you break a rule, or something?"

"No.."

"Then how could you have cheated?"

"I just.. Look whatever happened to you eye-" you stopped as you noticed him stiffen. It wouldn't be nice to make him relive his trauma either, so what were you meant to say?

"I just shouldn't have used heat, I could tell that was a burn scar and it was a cruel thing to do." you looked down at the ground feeling like the shittiest hero in the world.

"You were playing the villain, though, weren't you?" He spoke again, seeming to have regained his stoic presence and stone face.

"I guess I was, but I'm here to become a hero. A hero wouldn't do something like that."

"Maybe they would." He started talking with certainty that disobeyed his use of the word 'maybe'.

"Huh?"

"Not all heroes are what you think they are, L/n." He looked you dead in the eyes, the intensity of his aura growing and it almost felt like you were supposed to cower in fear. Still, you held your ground, despite now being only inches away from him.

"Sounds like you speak from experience," You tilted your head becoming more outwardly spoken and allowing your thoughts to exit your mouth.

"That's a topic for another day, goodnight, L/n." With that, he turned away and walked stiffly out of U.A.'s gates. Leaving a million questions to run through your mind.

Did this make you friends now? When would that other day come? Had you just eternally ruined your chances at being a hero? Was he right? Were some heroes bad, like you? Were you bad? There were too many questions for you to answer yourself. So you settled from going home and making some dinner with your parents, you missed them, after having to be friends with other kids all day. They would be your comforting escape from highschool, or well, two days worth of highschool.

When you arrived at the barrier-like gates of your school the next morning, you were rushed with reporters. They were men and women, tall and short, circling around you all at once. You could hear the sweet and kind voice of Uraraka from afar, but you couldn't see her over the swarm of reporters. It was terrifying.

"What's it like having all might as your teacher?"

"Is the hero course majorly improved by the symbol of peace's presence?"

"Why did All Might become a teacher?"

"Have you done any training with the number one pro?"

Being here almost felt like being in your own mind. Swarmed with questions you don't have the answers too, or the confidence to answer them if you do. It was overwhelming, the world began to spin around you and your palms grew sweaty. E/c eyes shot in every direction to find an escape but they couldn't, you were trapped. Then, little black dots started to crowd up your vision like ants in your eyes and you fell unconscious.

The brown haired girl who had been happily indulging reporters noticed your fall and ran to you, grabbing hold of your arm. She wasn't really sure what had happened, but she decided to just take you into class with her. The reporters busying themselves with other arriving students.

Ochako took it upon herself to take hold of your backpack and drag your limp body by it, all the way up the hill and into the buildings of U.A. She wouldn't admit it, due to being a bit shy, but you caught her eye on the first day of school, and she'd been meaning to befriend you. Unlike the group of girls who she noticed had adopted you, Ochako spent her first few days with Deku and Iida. Securing herself in a nice little group with them.

However, you were very pretty, and adorably shy, and she really wanted to be your friend. Then after your awesome performance in yesterday's training, she was set on it. This was a great opportunity for her to help someone out, and make a new friend!

Strange looks came from every direction as the short, pink-cheeked girl dragged your seemingly lifeless form through the halls. They were both concerned for you, and confused at her calmness in the situation. However, no one spoke on it, fearing a hero class student might have some weird reason to do a strange thing like this.

Well, no one until Deku. He had been excited to greet his friend until he noticed her unusual baggage.

"Hi Urarak-Is that L/n?!" His eyes shot wide and he almost jumped back.

She looked down to you, and then back up at the freckled boy, "Oh, yeah" rubbing her neck she added, "She sorta passed out by the reporters and I couldn't just leave her there!"

"Oh my god! Is she okay? Should we take her to recovery girl? What if she has iron deficiency? Did the reporters zap her with some sort of quirk?"

"Deku...Deku...DEKU!"

"Wahh!?Yes?"

"She is fine, I think she just got overwhelmed." Uraraka tried to calm him. She wasn't all that sure about your condition herself, but it didn't seem crazy like Midoriya was implying. You just looked panicked. Her head turned as soon, Todoroki walked up to 1.A. 's door.

"Oh, hello L/n.." he looked down at you, kicked your side a bit to check if you were dead or not. Honestly, he wasn't very surprised to see you passed out in the halls, having assumed you were met with the reporters as well. Todoroki couldn't blame you for falling unconscious, he wished he could have, too.

At his nudge, you stirred awake, and then all at once, shot up to your feet defensively. "A-All Mights cool, okay! He's fine, he's just fine. Please I-" Then your eyes cleared and you were no longer in front of the school. The people surrounding you were no longer reporters, but your classmates.

"Oh, um, hi..guys?"

"I already said hello to you, L/n."

"While I was unconscious?"

"Yes."

"How does tha-"

"Get outta my way you losers!" The puff of blonde hair and rabies stormed through the halls. Back slumped like an angry old man, scowl resting on his face. He was not excited for school after yesterday, and those damn reporters made it worse, bringing up the sludge monster incident. So imagine the rage when the annoying girl who placed just behind him on almost everything was at the door, looking stupid, and nervous, and in his way.

"L/n! You better get out of that doorway!"

You squeaked, not because bakugou's empty threats scared you, but because if you defied him, that meant speaking words. He seemed pretty good at words, so you didn't want to test it. His voice was also way too loud for someone who had just woken up from what you thought was a near death experience.

People were scary.

Soon enough, however, everyone was settled in class. You, in your seat next to Todoroki, who didn't seem quite as cold as the day prior. Not to say his face was any less stone-like or his voice was any less monotone, but the aura around him wasn't as intense. That comforted you as Aizawa began the days homeroom period.

"Decent work on yesterday's combat training, you guys. I saw the video feeds and went over each of your team's results. Bakugou, you're talented, so don't sulk like a child about your loss, okay?"

Said boy huffed a breath "Yeah, whatever."

"And midoriya.."

He continued talking about how Midoriya has to break himself to use his quirk, but you tuned it out because the memory of seeing it was pretty gross.

"L/n, your battle with Todoroki was risky, he was less than a foot away from a victory by the time you took action, additionally, you're going to have to get those nerves under control. We can't have you apologizing every time you use your quirk. It's a waste of air."

His call out of your name was enough to shock your eyes open, but him criticizing your work in front of others? That was terrifying. You knew he was right, about everything, it was his job to be, after all. Still, it hurt to hear, considering it wasn't like you intended on being shy. Your body just clamped up and started to sweat when other people came around. It got super hot and loud and scary until you muttered an apology, nothing about it was voluntary. If anything, you really wanted to be extroverted and say what's on your mind and be bold. The world just seemed to have different plans, you supposed.

"Sor- I mean, uh, yes sir!"

Todoroki shot you a side glance , internally a bit proud at your ability to stop the apology that rested on your tongue. He was having an internal battle with himself about why he wanted it and why he didn't. The argument points being; it's adorable when you're shy, it's kind to apologize - versus - you being confident yesterday was arousing, and making quick progress is a sign of intelligence. A tough battle for the young boy's mind.

"Today we'll be choosing a class representative. Hurry up and choose before class ends." Aizawa zipped himself away in his sleeping bag and the class was left confused. Until you suppose everybody wanted to be class rep. Then there was an abundance of screaming and begging. From the red haired boy, the pink skinned girl, the kind girl from lunch. The whole class thought they would be worthy leaders. You heavily disagreed.

From your experience in previous schooling, class representatives were meant to be somebody smart, strong minded, compassionate, a good leader. These were just a ton of kids begging for attention, really, you aspired to be just like them.

Aizawa was right, though, you needed to get the whole shy thing under control, and fast if you wanted people here to view you as a threat. So you decided you probably wanted momo as class rep and slumped in your seat to strategize ways to be more bold.

While you were zoning off in your seat, Iida took charge of the situation, you guessed it was always going to come down to a vote, but good on him for 'coming up with it.'

"Hey, L/n."

"Wha?! Oh todoroki, um, yes?"

"Who are you choosing?"

"Um, Yaoyorozu.."

"Why?"

"Well, she is smart, and kind, and probably a good leader, so"

"Okay. Me too then."

His words didn't make sense to you. Was he agreeing with you just because of something you said?vIt couldn't be. Maybe he was insisting that he, too, was a good leader. That would make more sense than agreeing with you.

"You're a good leader too?"

"No. I will also vote for yaoyorozu."

"B-b-but...WHY!?!" your eyes widened in shock as you whisper-yelled at him.

"You don't want me to?" he asked, still in deadpan.

"I-well I do, B-but um, nevermind." It was better to return your gaze to yo[ur desk. He would think you are weird if you said something about it being because of you. He probably just also saw those traits in momo, it had nothing to do with you.

There were almost tears in your eyes. It felt as if the whole world was rooting against you, cheering for your failure. Eyes were watching and glaring, it felt like it'd be better to just curl up into a ball on the floor. Be so small they cant see you anymore, then maybe the universe would stop hating you so much.

They were out of soba for lunch. You would rather starve.

Next to you, on the way to some random table, momo was complaining about how Midoriya was president. She didn't understand what he really could do, being that he was so shy to attention. He reminded her of you, but she would never say that. It would make you nervous, like you and he were competitors, and he is so much nicer than you.

"Hey! Over here!" Ashido called to the two of you, waving her hand frantically.

"As I was saying, he does show some signs of good leadership, but im worried he is too nervous right now."

"Mm, yeah.." Your hand came up to wave at said boy, who had been making an uncomfortable eye-contact with you for quite some time.

Over at Midoriya's table, the conversation about pros had shifted to you. As Iida was explaining his family business, or hero-business, it led him to the memory of having been told a story about you. About your dad, to be precise.

"Yes. And I dont think I'm the only descendant of a pro in our class."

"What?!' Ochako screamed, eyes wide and shaking in excitement.

His gaze flickered to where you walked slowly next to a rambling black haired girl. No lunch in hand and mind seemingly elsewhere.

"Yes. I recall the story of one rising pro from years ago, under the name of Magneto. He was almost in the top ten ranks after less than a year of hero work, and climbed quickly. His private life was kept under wraps but his last name was L/n. That, and the metal quirk lead me to believe that the L/n of our class is his relative in some way." Iida presented the information with less gestures than he used for his own family, but more like he was solving a mystery, one he seemed quite proud to have deciphered.

"Oh I know Magneto, he retired around the same time All Might got famous." Uraraka added.

They were both quite indifferent at this information, but Midoriya was thinking a million miles a second. He knew exactly why your relative retired. In the battle where All Might saved over a hundred people, and became famous, the battle he'd watched a thousand times as a kid, Magneto was injured, along with his pregnant wife. It caught the news a couple days later and he had written down everything.

So was this hero your father? Uncle? Cousin? Is this how you got to be so strong? He was so busy feeling in awe of you he began to stare. Lost in the gate of your stride, and the stillness of your lips, how they were pursed in a straight line as if you disagreed with something. Those e/c eyes were however lost in thought. Until you spoke something quietly and looked up at him, holding eye contact.

He blushed slightly at being caught and decided he should just wave, and you waved back.

From the other side of the table, Todoroki could hear everything. He could acknowledge that you were strong, with or without a famous dad, but he wondered if the pro-hero dad thing was the same for you as it was for him, He'd hope not, he assumed not, too. Even if your life wasn't what he had thought it was, you always smiled so brightly. When you thought no o[ne was looking, you'd smile at Midoriya's success, and the fighting of the kids in front of you. Sometimes he even caught you smiling to yourself in class, as you just wrote down some English questions.

That smile didn't feel like it came from struggle, or masking pain, it felt genuine. He found that he really liked that.

"Warning Level 3 Security Breach!"

#todoroki fluff #shoto torodoki #todoroki shoto x reader #mha todoroki #todoroki x reader #mha fanfiction #mha fluff #momo yaoyozoru #yaomomo #momo x reader

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weabbynormalblog · 4 years

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Keep strong...

I've had this message on my board all week. So I must of looked at it more than a dozen times since then. What does it mean, what am I trying to say? I stare at it, percrasting not putting laundry away, but washing the floor instead. I struggled with it, the grammar and text of the sign. Should it "be strong" or "stay strong"? Why did I decided in "keep strong" versus "be strong"? Strong can refer to physical and mental strength. Staying with the program that's the "keep" part and the "strong" part is not giving it up for good.

At my worst, it was tempting to end it all. I also wrestle with cutting behavior and body numbness. It isn't easy being me. I know I can change and heal; I've done it before. I am strong. I overcame my dyslexia by the time I was 25. I have over came back injuries, 4 times now in my life and still healing from the last time. I was in a wheel chair for a year due to a frozen sciatica. Ive had successful shoulder surgery too. I gave up smoking over 20 some odd years now. I've survived and recovered from a nasty divorce, lost business and financial ruin. I've also lost 200lbs and avoided diabeties. I thought I had seen it and done it all.

Now I'm a brain injury survivor with chronic pain and fatigue. I'll get through this and so will you!

Can you keep strong and have the ability to ask for help when needed? If you're an over achiever like myself, your pride takes a bit of a dip in having to ask. I know, it's hard to be the one needing help. Especially if it was the other way around before. Now it's time to get past it! It's ok that we need help with some tasks, and that there are things we don't know how to communicate. Then there's things that I can do that others can't. One of my best gifts is my creativity. I can make something out of nothing. Whatever a sweater boom there it is, a minion pinayta for a party, a desk organizer, a bird feeder; some people can't even visualize it, never mind create it. Even Greta Nuremburg speaks of her handicap as a gift. It let her cut through the bullshit to form a direct line to help climate change. There's a certain stubbornness that seems to develop with learning disabilities/brain injury/mental illness etc. For me I'm sure its a coping mechanism. Its my brain working out how to make sense out of all this data. It gets overloaded at the strangest times, it seems. Still lots of mystery in my head. As a person that has difficulties decoding, speaking and hearing, sometimes adapting means putting myself in the middle of everything. I need to arrange things so that I can understand and communicate better, which isn't always possible. I'm fortunate to have a person to help when I need to get groceries or run errans. I'm still too limited with my mobility to drive most days. For everything else I do more with less. I can't hear on the phone. Add accents of any kind to conversations like West Indian, British, French or German... It's the worst for me and then we play a game show called What did you say? I'll take M as in Michael please. I dont do phone calls on days that I'm not up to the task. Forget everything if I have a migraine or my pain is past 6 and I had a rough night. Phone calls, get them out and done first thing in the am. I don't play telephone tag either. When leaving a message state a day and time that works better for them to reach you. I do everything I can possibly do with text messages and email. I process information best like this, the written word. Yeah, I'm not much of a conversationalist these days in person, unless its 1 on 1 or maybe you need a monologue or speech delivered? While writing offers some communication relief theres still grammar errors and spelling mistakes, but more or less writing is stress free for me, even enjoyable opposed to trying to follow a conversation between 3 or 4 people and remember names.

On bad brain days all my disabilities can be too much; then with the chronic pain and fatigue on top of that? Just kill me now? Or maybe now? Screw going anywhere! Ever! It's a head in a jar rough day, my body doesn't respond well to anything. Walking and talking is over ratted at this point; all I can do is rest. I feel defeated by my own body. See you have to "Keep Strong" even when your body can't. So no deal, less urgent tasks fall to the wayside. Sorry I got to bail out on that date again. In the moment I just want to give way, let it all go and become a gelatinous mass that can ooze up and down the stairway, absorb nutrients by oozing on them and Ah...don't move just emit blob like behavior.

Recently I joined the local Chronic pain and fatigue organization, there is no brain rehabilitation in my area, so much for Medicare. I'm so grateful that this .org exists. It's great when I can get out to the activities. The Yoga, it was great! Low impact just what I needed. I was in bed for 2 days after that. This Thursday Yoga came and went with my sadness. I did my at home version instead. Today again is not one of those going out days. That's perfectly fine with me. I know when I'm not good with other people or getting around. There's no point in being angry, tired, frustrated and in pain.

So when faced with "keep strong" laying in my bed. I know that caring for myself is not giving in to limitating beliefs but allowing myself to becoming stronger in the long term by understanding and treating my physical limitations today instead of making like the other regular sheep. I still meet my short term goals on stretching, hydrating and eating well. The basic chores still gets done. You need to remind your self that resting is a part of the healing process. This part is about concentrating on my health and supporting my own recovery. No one can do that for you. Understanding our limitations is not a weakness! Adaptation by trial and error. What works, what doesn't and concentrate on what does work for you. Forgive yourself for not being up to task. I know it's hard to believe that it's is a gift. It is a strength and a gift to be able to face the tough stuff. We get to see the world we live in another way opposed to those entrenched in the rat race. It's not about fitting in society. It's about taking your space, finding your power and place; just as you are. I no longer feel that I'm missing out in life. I'm working on healing myself. I haven't lost the war, I'm just taking a breather. So go on ahead, I'll catch up eventually. This dang boulder won't stop rolling down the hill. Hold on, I'll go get another boulder to stop this one...

#brain injury survivor #survive mental illness #rehabilitation recovery #chronic illness missing out #coping with energy managment #emotional support #How to cope with cop out #understanding mental illness #on the spectrum #how to love yourself

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