#i'm no longer mourning

[that-cunning-witch]

i feel so bad for that one ask in my inbox that hasn't been answered yet i feel really bad for saying this bc i'm not looking for sympathy or anything but the reason why i haven't answered ur ask yet is bc my family has been dealing with a close family death so yeah i'm so sorry!!

i've also been working on other stuff which normally doesn't take a bunch of time but reorganizing/getting back into those things with the reason above is what's taking up time too

#tw death #i promise i'll answer that ask!! #it's just we've been trying to figure stuff out #considering there's an apathetic wife in the mix #and we all took time to process the death too #dw i'm good !! #please no thoughts and prayers #i'm no longer mourning

[dotpyenji]

happy 5th anniversary to the mobile game that changed my life 🩷🫡

#dragalia lost #dragalia #notte #notte dragalia #Oug. Yknow #I'm no longer mourning Dragalia #and I think my mental health has gotten better since it ended service #But also like. Nothing has replaced it as my 'media i think about all the time' thing yet. #Idk. It hit different. #I'm not crying at cygames door for a reboot or remake but I do hope this isn't the last we see of Dragalia #yknow? #Happy fifth anni everyone.

[themalhambird]

The world is not real: Charlotte cannot touch it. This -news-, this tragedy  is not real either, and it cannot touch her. There’s too much cotton in her ears, there’s an endless, keening chime slowly boring through her skull- in at one temple, out at the other- a continuous line, all the way through…

She is sitting on the sofa. There’s a cup and saucer cradled in her hands. She doesn’t remember picking it up, but the steam is ghosting over her face. It’s fresh. (Her husband is dead). Polly must have given it to her. (Her husband died at his own hand.) They have a visitor, she ought to be showing more hospitality. She wonders if there’s any of that fruitcake left. (Alfred confessed to murder. Alfred confessed to murder,  and then Alfred murdered himself)

“Mama?”

Polly’s voice, soft and tentative as it is, makes her jump. Tea sloshes, spills over, pools in the delicate saucer. She shakes herself and focuses her gaze on Sir Julian. “That’s not,” she tries, but the sound barely forms. Charlotte pauses, swallows, tries again. “That’s not right,” she says, unsure if she’s really addressing Sir Julian Harker or merely facing his direction whilst trying to bargain with a Higher Power. “That’s not- none of this is right, Alfred wouldn’t- he wouldn’t do any of it, any of this…” But he has. He has, he has, he has, and when he comes home she’s going to skin him alive. “What will we do?” she asks, as the first beginnings of fear worm their way through the numbness of shock. “The disgrace of it-”

“Mama!” Polly cries, indignant. “At this moment, of all moments, your thoughts cannot be of what other people will think- what does that matter, what do any of them matter!”

It matters because they have never been reckless with money, but savings will not last forever and Charlotte doesn’t know if the widows of Police Inspectors who confess to capital offences and then take their own lives qualify for any sort of pension. It matters because the disapprobation of society in any circumstances can be death by a thousand cuts, whereas the widow who has the sympathies of her community has a better chance at maintaining a somewhat genteel situation. It matters because the infamy of the father will cast a shadow over the life and the character of the daughter- the best chance for Polly, now, is marriage, but what respectable, decent man would want a father- in- law six feet deep in unconsecrated ground?

“Mrs Hillinghead,” Sir Julian says solemnly, “I wish to assure you that you and your daughter will have the fullness of my protection. The events of the last twenty four hours- they will not reflect on you, nor on your daughter. You have my word.”

She acknowledges his words without really understanding- it will not be until much later, lying in a too-empty bed and staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep- that Charlotte will consider that Harker told Polly about Alfred’s death before he told her, that he stood as close to Polly’s chair as proprietary allows for, that he has seemed- these past few weeks- to admire Polly: her beauty, her music. And perhaps nothing will come of it but friendship- , but the friendship of a man that powerful is not an asset to be scorned. And if it turns into anything more…

They were nineteen, she and Alfred, when they married- they had been friends their whole lives before that. And she had known about him:  years before they had married, she had known that  his desires steered his eyes not towards the ranks of giggling, frivolous girls who batted their eyelashes at his well built figure and handsome face, but to other members of his own sex. And she had ignored it, because she knew him: he was too good a man to act on those desires. And he was kind, and gentle, and they were friends, and a husband who would be perfectly happy to conduct a marriage with minimal activity in the matrimonial bed suited Charlotte. She had courted him as much as he had courted her, really, although whether he ever realised that…

And he’s dead. Her best friend of nearly forty years. The murder confession, she has already written off- she neither knows nor cares about the details. If it was a false confession, then he confessed to try and protect someone- probably that journalist, given the confession it prompted to her, and she is furious at him. She is furious at him for not protecting his wife and child, and for not letting the journalist face whatever justice he merited- unless, of course, the man threatened to reveal Alfred’s inclinations, and take the Inspector who had detected his crimes down along with him. That seems, to Charlotte, the most likely explanation. And if the confession is- was- true, then Alfred must have had good reason for taking another man’s life: she has seen him carry spiders in the palm of his hand to release them outside, rather than squash them underfoot; she has listened to him vent his frustrations about officers being too heavy handed with their arrests at more dinners than she can remember. Taking another human life…it must have broken something in his mind, which would explain being in such a state that he would…. It does not matter. Alfred is dead, either way- she is a widow, either way. And she will encourage Julian Harker’s friendship, because if Polly can catch him she will have a comfortable home, and a husband who seems a good hearted and generous man. And she, Charlotte, will grieve Alfred Hillinghead. But if his death unravels into the scandal she fears, then she will take care to grieve him quietly. She will survive this. She has to. She has to survive this so that there’s someone who remembers that Alfred Hillinghead played cricket as a boy and took two sugars in his tea.

#bodies netflix #bodies 2023 #suicide ts #homophobia ts #(victorian-typical attitudes) #alfred hillinghead #charlotte hillinghead #trying to flesh Charlotte out a bit beyond 'generic victorian wife/mother #(also trying to get a handle on the Polly and Mannix happy timeline because they seemed to get married very quickly #but Charlotte wasn't in mourning dress during the ceremony so either there was a much longer gap than implied or Charlotte wasn't following #the usual customs for victorian widows) #anyway she didn't seem surprised when Alfred told her he was attracted to other men so I'm working on the basis that she worked it out #for herself long ago #And because I can I'm imagining Charlotte Hillinghead as somewhere on the ace spectrum who had #doesn't want sex every ten minutes #at the top of her shopping list when considering potential husbands #my fic #long post

[maxsix]

#jung wooyoung #wooyoung #ateez #Happy Birthday To this guy #this hair though #it was at the expense of that amazing long hair #but tbh i'm no longer mourning #this is a really nice cut on him #San was right about it

[daniwib]

Pictures of You

When Abuela passes away, Eddie struggles with profound grief, trying to cope with the emptiness left behind. Memories of their shared moments bring both comfort and pain as he considers life with her absence.

As he mourns, Eddie finds strength in the legacy of her wisdom to take the final step and admit his love for the man who’d been by his side the entire time.

[Fic is complete, chapters will be posted weekly]

Chapter 2 now posted!

Drop me a comment and let me know what you think? Reblogs always appreciated and recs are adored.

#sad fic #abuela dies #sad eddie #sad christopher #supportive buck #grief #angst #mourning #talking about death #I wrote this after my dog died #I'm sorry I was very sad #still am #no longer by my side but forever in my heart #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #isabel diaz #9-1-1 #9-1-1 fanfiction #911 #911 abc

[hussyknee]

Grief is the most asshole emotion ever invented. Desperate, terrible, helpless yearning for something that you know is gone forever? What kind of sadism is that? Fuck you.

#this is about my kitty #i grieve my pets more than I would any of my human family #well Dad's death was fucking brutal but I've been thankful that he died more often than not #my dogs and cats though? i would keep them with me forever #it's a sick joke that we have to love them knowing we will outlive them #I only had Gar for the 2 months he was sick #tried so desperately to save him every waking moment #tried to get him to live just a little bit longer until the very end #i'm afraid it might have let him suffer more #i left him in hospital for the last week of his life #barely lasted a day longer #Gar. Gar I love you my baby #come back to me #fuck this hurts #tw animal death #tw death #grief #mourning #knee of huss

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

I wish I could just grab a bunch of my mutuals and go on a hike/walk in the wooded mountains with y'all while we infodump about our hyperfixations, it would be so much fun

#tbis post brought to you by me mourning that I can no longer do this with grandparents #the conversation dynamic is just different now that I'm older #just me rambling

[imakemywings]

This has almost no basis in canon but I’ve gotten so committed to my vision of Thranduil as “dude who loves being married.” Like obviously he loves/loved his wife but he also just loves the entire experience and concept of being married. He likes having a partner. He likes having A Person. He likes being able to help them and take care of them. After everything about his general personality he went and surprised the shit out of everyone by being wholeheartedly enthusiastic about virtually every aspect of marriage.

#thranduil #the hobbit #tolkien tag #Lark has to listen to me talk about this #and I know this is all purely headcanon based BUT #I'm still right #if you take his wife's death as canon I feel like aside from just mourning her loss #there was also a sense of loss in no longer having that partnership and that was really hard for him to adjust to #2000 years later he still misses being married

[harmofud]

The news these days that greet me when I wake up are all like

"America's Inevitable Civil War"

"This Group of People Think the World is Ending: Here's How To DIY a Bunker"

"What Makes a Traitor a Traitor? A Look Into Semantics"

"How to Recover After Losing Your Home for the Eighth Time to The Horrid Weather and Climate"

"The Youth are Depressed These Days. Here's Why"

"Feeling Down? It Might Be Your Fault"

"A Climate Scientist Has Stated That We Are All Fucked"

"Should You Prepare for a Coup After Election Day? Here's What the Experts Say"

"Costco Membership Now Requires a Social Security Number to Enter the Building"

"How Your State's Ban on A Type of Person Could Affect You"

"Amazon Has a New Deal: Work in Their Towns and Get Amazon Dollars"

"Have No Money? It Might Be Your Fault"

"When is Genocide a Genocide? A Look Into Semantics"

"Fried Chicken Recipe"

#i'm so so so sick of it #it is almost always endless bad news #I feel like I'm mourning for my future #Can anyone on here see themselves living past 50? I've thought since high school that I'd die around 35 maybe 40 if I lived that long #not even cause I want to just cause of war or climate change or oppression or disease or whatever #I'd like to live longer but it kind of seems like the world is ending #I wish to live in precedented times #sorry for the rant #I guess this technically counts as a vent post #vent post #also this is very usa centric since I live here

[darcyolsson]

cassandra jean deleting all her old shadowhunter chronicles art on tumblr was like the modern burning of the library of alexandria

#im not sure when she did it though i can guess why #but honestly... such a shame :( i think nearly all of it is still on the shadowhunters wiki #but the original posts no longer existing is sad #personal #also i will say it. i do miss her old art very graphic art style it was so beautiful and i get why she changed it #but i'm forever nostalgically mourning the death of that style </3

[baezdylan]

oh noooooo i wanna cut my hair again

#told myself i'll keep it like this till next month but. uh. #it's not even that i don't like having it a bit longer but it's not exactly easy to deal with even when it's short #there's TOO much of it. rip summer me i hope you last a tiiiiiiny bit longer #but i am mourning you already. need to try to stay away from scissors #it's also getting a bit too light colour-wise and i don't think i'm enjoying THAT. the downside of the beach 💔 #jo in the tardis*

[drydak]

every week i have the same question which is where is cody is he safe is he alright......and every week i get no answers

#IT'S GETTING DIRE #good 2 see wolffe though hey king. but also the fact that his armor is still the same makes me crazy re: cody #because like. it seems like all of them got to keep it the exact same so cody is the one outlier. which means he painted the grey over the #yellow. which i have no choice but to interpret as the one form of mourning he was able to do #hey d*sney i am no longer asking i need to know and i need you not to do anything worse to him..... #i'm also living in a fantasy world where crosshair tells rex yeah i saw cody yeah he was going through it and well they told me he went awol #this is a real conversation that is real to me that is happening post-e7

[squidaped-oyt]

Every time I replay DAO Surana's relationship with Alistair becomes increasingly fraught with tension

#dragon age #warden surana #that invisible approval meter just dropping down and down right from the first meeting #and because surana's a mage and alistair's an ex-templar he's very careful to let absolutely NONE of this show on the outside for a while #'hi i'm a templar :)' instant -50 approval hit because now he has to be On Guard all the time again #that grieving period alistair has post-ostagar and before lothering? yeah that doesn't go down well either with him lmao #if you behaved like that in the circle when someone died or disappeared you'd probably either end up in the dungeons or #you know #also dead #so alistair acting like that just seems excessive and why can't he just repress everything like a normal person??? #(there's absolutely no deeply buried streak of jealousy at someone being ''allowed'' to openly mourn their losses. no sir) #gonna stop before this tag essay gets longer but yeah ... the kids are Not Okay and that's not even getting into later game stuff lmao

[just-an-anxious-mess]

I'm glad there is apparently no more conflict between us but I can't help but be bitter. Why couldn't you be there for me, be supportive and listen to me when I was still a kid desperate for attention and praise and approval. I appreciate your support now but I am furious on behalf of that poor child who would do anything to have this kind of parent. As an adult I'm thankful for your help but my inner child will never forgive your absence.

I mourn the person I could have been if this support had been present from the start instead of after I'd been kicked out.

#sami talks too much #just an anxious mess rambling #childhood trauma #toxic parents #wounded inner child #neglectful parents #unsupportive family #family issues #why is it when i no longer live with them that they turn into the parents i always wanted as a child? #its not fair #im both sad and angry on my younger selfs behalf #its not like i can even ask why or bring up any of my childhood #not without being told I'm misremembering or being dramatic #they'll never admit what they did #and that in and of itself kins of crushes me #they'll never admit that they're the reason im the way i am today #there are so many past versions of me for me to mourn

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

[soryualeksi]

Two weeks and I'm still constantly crying. I just can't believe I'll never see him again.

I feel so weird to be knocked out like this.

It's like THIS time I reached and crossed my limit.

My brain is still in "I don't want to believe this" mode. It's too painful.

#mourning #i dunno since I'm not family or close friend i feel like i should be expected to get better after 2 weeks #I KNOW THIS IS A WEIRD THING TO THINK #i don't know what the social expectations about mourning colleagues is #all i know is that it's like a hole has been ripped into my heart #also the longer i think about it the more i realize that apart from my team partner he's probably the only one to knock me out like that #like what are the odds #this sounds so evil but I'm bad at communicating #all of my colleagues would have made me sad but this guy i was. stupidly protective of inside my own heart i realize. #it's probably the mutual autism lol #but seriously i just. i can't really cope. this is such a nightmare. #death cw