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ghouljams · 10 months

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Omg I LOVE your konig!cowboy story, it's entertaining just how dumb bee is around this whole farm life, but what if she wasn't really that stupid? Like imagine konigs computer completely shuts down, and he's not the most tech literate but bee sees the problem and goes full city slicker tech bro mode and fixes it in no time, showing she is in fact competent, just not about her current life

Congratulations on unlocking Bee's expertise.

This is almost exactly what I had in mind when I was trying to figure out how she could just up and move and do wfh and generally have no clue how to own a farm. I think she's 100% a tech jockey of some kind, maybe a little bit of a hacker type. She's very smart but only about her areas of expertise.

König's laptop is open on the kitchen table when you drop by, the blue screen staring at you like an angel of death. You wince a little. You hope he wasn't working on anything important. You set your fabulously not failed cookies on his kitchen counter and pull out the chair in front of the computer.

"König, you mind if I poke around on your computer a little?" You call, straining to hear any movement before he pokes his head into the kitchen. He narrows his eyes at the computer for a moment, and damn you've never seen someone think so long about having their tech salvaged. "I won't check your browser history or anything if that's what you're worried about, just wanna get it running again."

König makes a noise of surprise and embarrassment. "I am not worried about that!" He sputters, which tells you he actually was worried about that. You shrug and flex your fingers a little. "Don't poke around too much." He relents, you grin, men are all the same.

"I'll stick to drivers and operating files only," he gives you a blank look, you press a few command keys to pull up your favorite little black box, "I'll just get it back to working."

You spend a few minutes manually filling in code and resetting the garbled muck that's filling your neighbor's computer. It's not too bad but he's got a nasty worm that seems to have been installed through a lousey torrent. You wipe the last few installs as best you can, calling König over to translate every so often. It's bad enough reworking an operating system in English, you're losing your mind trying to parse German files.

Eventually he finds a chair to sit next to you and watch. You pull your feet up onto the chair, your posture atrocious as you concentrate.

"I don't even know what half of this is," You grumble, staring at what looks like a matrix of some sort, a really sparse one.

"Which one is giving you trouble," König follows where you point on the screen, eyes narrowed against the brightness as he reads through named files, "Ah, this is security."

"Your place has security? We're in the middle of nowhere," You shoot him a look, he hums half agreeing, "I'll leave it."

"Braves Mädchen," he breathes, "you're very good at this."

"I hope so, can't exactly fall back on farming." You grumble, fingers working to finish your repairs to Königs frankly ancient laptop. This thing is going to be running marathons when you're done with it. Probably best to avoid any major changes to the OS though, König doesn't seem like he'd be willing to learn new shortcuts.

This is good though, you feel like you're paying him back for helping you out so much. Especially when you hit the button for the final restart and everything springs to life with a pleasant chime. You smile at your work, typing in König's shitty password to check that everything is working alright. You check the time, updating the clock to the correct time zone.

You stop, dread making your stomach roll. Is it really that late? "We were supposed to see a movie," You frown. König shoos your hands off the keyboard and shuts his laptop, it rings like a death bell on your ever present forgetfulness. "I'm sorry, I didn't even realize, and now we've missed it," König raises a hand to stop your apology.

"I don't mind," He's so sweet, his eyes smiling at you over his bandana, "I enjoyed watching you work, it was very... informative." You offer a hesitant smile, that's certainly one way to put it.

König watches you straighten up from your position over the computer, knees dropping from where you'd pulled them up by your chest as you arch your back to stretch out the kinks. The satisfied little noise you make at the quiet pop is going to bounce around his mind for a while yet. The same way your focused stare and the silent movement of your lips as you read will stick with him.

He would have asked you for help sooner, but there was too much about you on that laptop to be safe. Still, your discretion was a credit to your professionalism. Although your flagrant dismissal of what you must have thought were his porn habits was... telling. How many men have jumped to get their computer out of your hands?

"I better go home, gotta feed the critters and all." You stand, grabbing your bag from the floor, "Thanks for letting me fix your computer."

"Of course," König stands as well, walking with you to the door, "Danke Schön, hummelchen." He tells you quietly, holding the door above your head.

"Bitte schön, König," your pronunciation is hesitant, but still leaves him wide eyed staring down at you, "I Googled a few basics." You explain, as if that could be the reason for his silence.

"I see," König tries to keep his voice from sounding too tight, thinks he even succeeds at it, "Then, Gute Nacht."

"Gute Nacht!" You reply enthusiastically, giving a wave as you turn to leave. His fingers tighten on the door, grabbing something other than your throat. If you were going to speak his mother tongue so prettily, you should have at least warned him. Maybe then he wouldn't have to close the door half hard. You are going to be the death of him.

#cowboy!König #Bee very excited to have a fun movie night with her good friend and neighbor #könig coaching himself in the mirror that this isnt a date and he will not ruin this for Bee #oc: Bee #könig x you #könig modern warfare #könig x oc #colonel könig #könig cod #cod x reader #x reader #cod mw2

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dreamonminecraft · 2 months

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Ok so u support dreamnap? Me as well but what are your thoughts bc ur extremely educated and well spoken

Okay first of all careful with the "well educated and well spoken" part. I'm 16 and trying my very best not to lose my mind. After four years in this fandom, I'm very well aware of how words can become violently misconstrued and everything is taken as the end of the world. I get it, parsing through information like this is difficult and trying to figure out where you stand is even harder- but don't take my words as final. Don't take anyone's. Consider your own thoughts and feelings against the evidence we all have and make up your own mind. That's part of the reason we're in this mess. That being said:

I think the largest factor here is that George and Caiti lived two very different experiences that night. I don't believe that George was attempting to get with her in any way- I don't think that any of the girls were invited to Dream's hotel room for any sexual reasons. I think from the first night they hung out Caiti was uncomfortable with the age gap and thought of George as weird, potentially flirty, and maybe untrustworthy. Neither Caiti or her friends liked Dream to begin with.

When they decided to go up to Dream's hotel room that night, Dream did not know how old Caiti was. Caiti says that George did. I don't know what their instagram dms were. However they interacted, they were all drunk and Caiti perceived George's actions to be sexual.

I think, based on how we know George to act when he's drunk (Sapnap's stories, Dream's stories, and the drunk banter episode) that he likely was touchy with whoever was around them that night. That doesn't invalidate what Caiti felt. She hasn't been around George much prior to this, certainly not while drunk, and she already felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever touching happened wasn't called out or even noticed by anyone in the room. Nobody remembers it happening except Caiti (and potentially George, but it's unlikely)

When she went to leave, she was already uncomfortable and then he followed her to the elevator. Benefit of the doubt, he was probably just going to walk her back to her hotel room, but she was very drunk and very uncomfortable, which he failed to recognize. The minute she told him no, he backed off and left her alone.

He likely did not interpret any of her signals that night, as she said they were all non-verbal until the elevator. He probably doesn't even remember it. We know that when George is drunk, he'll often sit on the laps of his friends (Sapnap) or hang on them (Karl) or even kiss them (Dream) but that's not okay to do with strangers.

This isn't a story about an abuse of power or age, but likely recognizing that some people just can't handle getting drunk. George is not good at reading people when he's sober, and can't be trusted not to trample on people's boundaries when he's drunk. Alcohol is not for everyone.

This is likely, hopefully, a one-off event. I believe that George's tweet yesterday was reactionary, as our first time seeing the allegations was likely also his first time hearing them. I doubt that he remembers the details of the night.

None of this is to abstract his fault. If Caiti was uncomfortable with any of his actions, he should have been able to recognize that and step away. The fact that he couldn't proves that he was too drunk and needs to reflect on his own problems with alcohol.

That being said, if what I think happened and what actually happened are the story that George explains when and if he goes live, and on the condition that Caiti believes him and accepts his apology, I will continue to support George.

I think there is a lot of growth that needs to happen in his own life. I think he's emotionally stunted, I think he uses alcohol in an unhealthy way, and I think he needs to come to terms with the fact that he hurt someone even if it was unintentional.

Lying will not get him out of this.

With all that said, I will continue to support dream and sapnap regardless of their reaction to this. Sapnap wasn't there. He has no part in this other than being George's friend. Dream didn't notice it when it happened and was never aware of any of it. He's been caught up unfairly in the allegations and I don't feel it's right to drop him over this, at least personally.

I don't think Dream or Sapnap will stop being friends with George. I think dream and George are more than friends and have completely built their lives around each other. I think sapnap's content is already mostly stand alone but dream has been his best friend for over a decade and George is such an integral part of that. I think it is naive to think George will be kicked out, and that doesn't mean that either of them are supporting a bad person, it just means they're being good friends.

Sometimes you have to be a good friend because somebody needs it. I don't know when George will go live and I don't know what he'll say, but I don't regret my time here regardless of what it is.

#ask any more questions if you have them #asks

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threadsun · 1 year

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Hi I've been stalking your blog and had a cute idea for head cannons with bo and jack- since jack can at least somewhat read mcs mind, and bo is always listening, what if they heard mc realize their in love with them? Like just an ordinary day and out of no where the realization dawns on them that their in love- cheesy I know but it's too cute not to imagine bo hearing mc whisper "holy shit I'm in love with a tamogatchi..." Or sunshine thinking to themselves "oh my god...I'm in love with jack..." No pressure, just figured something sweet and cute would be a nice change from the Horny™ asks-

Oh that's super cute!!! I definitely love the horny asks, but I don't mind doing something sweet for a change!!!

Content: being listened in on/having your thoughts read

Bo:

You're not sure exactly what it was that made it dawn on you. Maybe it was the fact that you'd turned down plans with your roommate three nights in a row now to spend time with him. Or maybe it was the way you blushed when you thought about him. Or, perhaps, it was just the bubbling happiness in your chest every time you closed your bedroom door behind you so you could take him out to play.

Whatever it was, the realisation seemed to creep up on you slowly, and then hit you all at once like a pile of bricks. It leaves you standing in the middle of your room, staring blankly at the wall as you try to process your feelings.

"I'm in love with him." You feel every shape your mouth makes keenly as the words come out. "I'm in love with my DachaBo... what the fuck..."

The words hiss from your throat like releasing steam, but it's loud enough for him to hear you from where you've left him face down on the bed.

You love him. You love him. After all this time, all this waiting and loving you and trying to get you to love him back... You love him.

The realisation blooms like a flower in his chest. The relief, the joy, the... euphoria! Of loving and being loved, finally, in return.

You love him.

Jack:

It's something you've sort of been chewing on for a while now. Your feelings for Jack. It's hard to parse what's friendship and what's love, what's platonic and what's romantic.

It's not easy to do. This man came into your life and changed everything. You've gotten into a solid routine, begun eating more balanced meals, started going outside more and generally taking care of yourself. How can you tell what's love and what's just immense relief and gratitude that he's made your life so much better?

The distinction comes to you clear as day. Out of nowhere, you understand. Standing in the yogurt shop, trying to imagine making a life with anyone but him, it hits you. You're grateful he's helped get your life together, sure. But you do also love him.

If you could get rid of him and keep the habits, you wouldn't. It's not the habits you love. You appreciate them, sure. But its his company. His kindness, compassion, humour. That's what you love.

Your heart softens at the thought, eyes straying for just a moment to the ghost sitting on the counter behind you before returning to your walnut chopping. You love him. You really, really love him.

Jack feels warmth spread through him, joy and comfort. You love him. You love him, and you don't want to live without him. And that's all he needs.

Because he loves you too.

#dachabo #swwsdj #something's wrong with sunny day jack #sdj jack #bo x reader #sunny day jack x reader #gn!reader #18+ only #sunshine #im-not-here-anymore-my-dude

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reasonableapproximation · 9 months

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A thing I've been looking into at work lately is collation, and specifically sorting. We want to compare in-memory implementations of things to postgres implementations, which means we need to reproduce postgres sorting in Haskell. Man it's a mess.

By default postgres uses glibc to sort. So we can use the FFI to reproduce it.

This mostly works fine, except if the locale says two things compare equal, postgres falls back to byte-comparing them. Which is also fine I guess, we can implement that too, but ugh.

Except also, this doesn't work for the mac user, so they can't reproduce test failures in the test suite we implemented this in.

How does postgres do sorting on mac? Not sure.

So we figured we'd use libicu for sorting. Postgres supports that, haskell supports it (through text-icu), should be fine. I'm starting off with a case-insensitive collation.

In postgres, you specify a collation through a string like en-u-ks-level2-numeric-true. (Here, en is a language, u is a separator, ks and numeric are keys and level2 and true are values. Some keys take multiple values, so you just have to know which strings are keys I guess?) In Haskell you can do it through "attributes" or "rules". Attributes are type safe but don't support everything you might want to do with locales. Rules are completely undocumented in text-icu, you pass in a string and it parses it. I'm pretty sure the parsing is implemented in libicu itself but it would be nice if text-icu gave you even a single example of what they look like.

But okay, I've got a locale in Haskell that I think should match the postgres one. Does it? Lolno

So there's a function collate for "compare these two strings in this locale", and a function sortKey for "get the sort key of this string in this locale". It should be that "collate l a b" is the same as "compare (sortKey l a) (sortKey l b)", but there are subtle edge cases where this isn't the case, like for example when a is the empty string and b is "\0". Or any string whose characters are all drawn from a set that includes NUL, lots of other control codes, and a handful of characters somewhere in the Arabic block. In these cases, collate says they're equal but sortKey says the empty string is smaller. But pg gets the same results as collate so fine, go with that.

Also seems like text-icu and pg disagree on which blocks get sorted before which other blocks, or something? At any rate I found a lot of pairs of (latin, non-latin) where text-icu sorts the non-latin first and pg sorts it second. So far I've solved this by just saying "only generate characters in the basic multilingual plane, and ignore anything in (long list of blocks)".

(Collations have an option for choosing which order blocks get sorted in, but it's not available with attributes. I haven't bothered to try it with rules, or with the format pg uses to specify them.)

I wonder how much of this is to do with using different versions of libicu. For Haskell we use a nix shell, which is providing version 72.1. Our postgres comes from a docker image and is using 63.1. When I install libicu on our CI images, they get 67.1 (and they can't reproduce the collate/sortKey bug with the arabic characters, so fine, remove them from the test set).

(I find out version numbers locally by doing lsof and seeing that the files are named like .so.63.1. Maybe ldd would work too? But because pg is in docker I don't know where the binary is. On CI I just look at the install logs.)

I wonder if I can get 63.1 in our nix shell. No, node doesn't support below 69. Fine, let's try 69. Did you know chromium depends on libicu? My laptop's been compiling chromium for many hours now.

#software

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russilton · 2 years

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rb!george adjusting to merc accordingly i— 🥺🥺🥺 my god, i'm so Soft for found family dynamics, or just general kindness from a group of people after they know you've gone through a rough time. i could imagine how absolutely surprised george is after realizing how fucked up his past working environment is compared to this one. 100% feel like that man would cry like he did in hungary 2021 because he finally internalizes the fact that he's okay now, that he's in a good place.

also curious—you don't have to respond fully if it spoils the fic btw!—how would lewis ask george to join merc? and if it's announced, how would the entire grid react? :0 as always, fuckin love your writing!! :D also i am a sucker for perfect and open communication too so 🤝🤝🤝 - @ruszhou

AME THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME TALK ABOUT FOUND FAMILY CAUSE IM FERAL FOR IT.

Spoilers for Redbull George au! Big ones!

God George joining Merc may be one of my favourite parts of the second half of the story haha. Lewis approaches Toto about a seat for George somewhere around Russia. Redbull have nerfed the shit out of George’s car post summer break to keep him in line, and while he’s worked his ass off to outdrive those issues, to keep his head above water, they make the car fundamentally harder to drive. Around rolls Russia, max has the engine penalty, and George is having a really hard time keeping his car in contention.

He’s also exhausted. He isn’t sleeping much, every weekend is brutal reminders that if he doesn’t perform he’s fucked. He can’t look Lewis in the eye. After Monza something in him twists like a knife seeing Lewis crash. He throws up when the team joke to max he should have tried spinning his wheels. Going to sleep means the next day comes faster so he often ends up laid up in whatever expensive hotel the team is booked into staring at his phone, trying to figure out who he can talk to. He can’t talk to his family, after all they sacrificed to get him here. He can’t talk to Aleix, or any of his previously close friends all on Redbulls pay role. All he has is Lewis, what cruel irony. He doesn’t call.

This lack of sleep, combined with the surprise rain in Russia, his horribly under responsive car, slick tires and max just slightly tagging his back wheel into a turn as he overtakes him, and George’s car spins out and takes Max with it. George hits the wall harder, max gets off lightly even if the car isn’t able to finish the race. George’s head is still spinning when max is leaping out of his car to shout at George, vitriol and acid that george can barely parse over his ringing ears. George can’t even look at him he’s panicking so badly, adrenaline making his instinct to freeze rather than fight kick in. Max shoves his head violently before he storms off (at this point he doesn’t even know if george has a head injury or not, which is pretty horrifying) and george is so dizzy he can’t get up. Max is already on the back of a cart back to the garage when medical arrives, and once they get his collar guard off, george has to try and pull himself out the car and look fine because he knows Redbull will be furious if they think he was using the medic for sympathy. He grimaces and waves his arm to the cameras even as his shoulder screams. Nobody can tell behind the helmet.

Redbull put the blame for the incident entirely on George, they quote his drop in delivery (that they forced) and his withdrawn attitude as him reflecting on what he did (he’s actually trying to stave off a crippling migraine.) When he’s back in the redbull building it doesn’t get better, they verbally abuse him for damn near an hour before marko tells George he won’t be driving for Redbull next year. When george looks like he’s teetering on a panic attack they tell him that if he behaves from now to the end of the season they MIGHT give him a seat in the AT rather than pierre. But if he steps out of line again they’ll blacklist him from the sport entirely, making everything he and his family have worked for worthless. As he leaves, max shoves him so hard into a wall he’s surprised he doesn’t break his nose, hissing something about George deserving it for fucking with his championship. Nobody stops him .

That’s how Lewis finds George, tucked away behind a Redbull motor building, blood dripping out his nose, on the verge of a complete breakdown as he tries to stop the blood getting on his shirt. Lewis was just looking for him to tell him he didn’t think the crash was his fault, and now he’s found george looking bruised and beaten emotionally and physically. He hustles George into a quiet Merc building to get him out of camera view then leaves him sat on a sofa while he finds something to get the blood off his face.

When Lewis cups his face to gently wipe the blood off his nose and lip, he ends up murmering who did this to you? He sounds angry, and George is panicking again, thinking about what just happened, and he dives for Lewis to kiss him. It’s not graceful or loving, it’s desperate, George acting on instinct bc Lewis always made the pain go away before god please take it away now. Lewis holds him back, because Jesus george what’s going on with you? You’re not fuckin okay what happened? And George just, breaks, tells Lewis everything. About the second driver status, the testing, the abuse, and how he’s just lost his seat and might be kicked out of F1 entirely. Dams broken, he’s shuddering and sobbing into Lewis’ shoulder. Ugly, snotty, terrified crying as it all crashes over him.

Lewis ends up hugging him close as he processes everything, everything george is telling him is 10x worse than he guessed. No wonder george has turned into a stranger on and off track, it’s all beyond fucked up. He can’t do anything more than help calm george down and offer him somewhere to stay away from Redbull. Once George has cried it out he just laughs without any humor to it and tells Lewis he can’t, he has to go back, if he’s gone any longer it’ll be worse. Lewis has to let him leave even if it feels like letting someone walk off to be tortured.

It’s when Val finds him, still sat on a couch; still with slightly bloody hands and a damp spot on his shoulder that Lewis realises what he can do. He asks Val for his blessing to suggest george as a replacement to his seat (as mentioned last time, it’s already been decided that Val will be leaving Merc for 22, a mutual choice between Bottas and Toto). Val looks at him like he’s grown two heads, then at his hands, and connects the dots. He approves and doesn’t make Lewis elaborate. Solid man, Val is.

Lewis approaches Toto about it just after that debrief, and it takes two weeks for a preliminary agreement to be drawn up between Toto, himself, and James V. When George podiums in turkey, it’s agreed they want to approach him, and just before COTA Lewis invites George to dinner. George goes because he barely gets to escape his hotel rooms now. He thinks it’s just Lewis; he’s not prepared for Lewis to lead him into the lavish back seating area of a fancy restaurant and to be met with Toto, James V, Bono, Val and shov all waiting for them. Here george is in a slightly wrinkled shirt across from a whole table of serious looking men in smart buisness attire.

He’s on edge immediately of course, doesn’t even sit down, all their calm measured gazes feel like spotlights, and he defaults to angrily demanding to know what the fuck is going on. Are they trying to get him to give up engineering secrets? To blackmail him into shitting on his team? Are they gonna take advantage of him as well??? They let him hiss at them like the angry feral cat he is before Val just leans forward on his elbows and says “they don’t want secrets, they want you”

George falls into shocked silence. Toto confirms it and taps a stack of papers, telling George it was Lewis’ idea. Lewis is eyeing George for a reaction, and George is so overwhelmed, confused and… kinda scared. He just can’t trust them, so he asks Lewis what the fuckin’ catch is, and Lewis tells the group he just needs to speak to George and drags him outside and into a side alley where it’s quieter and they’re hidden from passers by.

Lewis, very politely, asks George what the fuck his problem is, and George blows up at him and accuses Lewis of either trying to get something out of him, or pity him so George will feel in debt to him. He’s working himself up and doing a lot of pointing at lewis and accusing him of trying to make George his bitch on track too, and lewis gets a little fed up and grabs George by his shirt collar and pins him to the wall so George shuts up for a second.

This is when lewis uses his communication skills to tell George to maybe consider that lewis fucking misses him. Fighting George made him feel like a kid again, that he can’t stand having George handicapped on the grid no matter how much it makes his job easier. He wants to battle with him again, he wants George in a car alongside him so he knows that no matter which of them wins it’ll be for the team. And George’s jaw is tense, eyes damp and glaring at Lewis with a vulnerability Lewis fucking hates because he knows Redbull put it there. The only thing George manages to spit back in a wobbly voice that sounds a little close to tears is that “you just want to get a leg up on redbull” and Lewis just growls and gets right up in his face to tell him “of course I fucking do, don’t you? I want to battle someone who actually matters”

That finally shuts George up, and Lewis can gently unfist his shirt and step back. George self worth is in the basement and it makes Lewis so angry and sad. He misses the George who taunted him so Lewis would bend him over a table. He misses the spark in his eye. He tells George just to hear them out, listen to the offer, he doesn’t have to decide today. Redbull are going to fuck him anyway, what does he have to lose. George finally nods and let’s Lewis take him back inside, listens quietly to Shov and James explaining the details of the offered contract. The only thing he asks is to valtteri, which is he really okay with this? Val nods and explains why he’s moving. It’s all very tense as George tries to guess if they’re going to screw him, and everyone else waits for George to explode.

At the end George takes the copy of the contract he’s handed, and leaves without much of another word. Val and James immediately start questioning if George even wants a seat at Merc, sure doesn’t seem like it, but Toto is staring intently at Lewis, who matches his gaze, steady and determined. Toto nods at him and tells the rest that George wants it, the question is if he’ll let himself have this.

COTA is right before a two week break, and none of them hear a fuckin peep from George. He’s radio silent on and offline, till 3am on the Wednesday before mexico where he calls Lewis. Lewis is barely awake, asking George what’s going on, but George just cuts him off and asks lewis if he can trust Mercedes’. Can he trust this contract. Tell him this isn’t a trap.

Lewis is awake immediately, telling George about all the details of his own contract, about how fair Merc are, how they want him, not just because of Red bull. George doesn’t reply, silent, and lewis just says “ even if you don’t know you can trust us, isn’t that a better option than red bull, who you KNOW you can’t”. Silence. Lewis asks if he’s okay. George hangs up, leaving Lewis groggy and confused.

But next morning he’s getting on a private plane in Monaco with Toto and Valtteri to fly to the race, And Toto holds up his phone to show Lewis the freshly emailed scans of George’s signed contract, just waiting for his and James signatures. Sent over that morning, time stamped just after George hung up on him.

#britcedes #gewis #4463 #mark’s fic tag #asks #hoecedes #redbull george au #ruszhou

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when-did-this-become-difficult · 1 year

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2, 3 and/or 25 for the reading meme! <3

oh @doreyg friend! haven't seen you much because I haven't done much exchange stuff lately, very happy to see you, hello! <3

Answers under the cut because they're long and I'm not evil

2. Did you reread anything? What? I don't record everything that I reread because I'm trying to get more into new stuff, but I'm pretty sure I reread some Jack Reacher books for fanfiction reasons, reread Parade's End books because I simply always do that, they're comfort food, and I'm rereading War and Peace as we speak (and loving it just as much if not more this time!)

3. What were your top five books of the year? ONE. No Place for Heroes by Laura Restrepo, which I already rambled about here. Copying and pasting from there.

I’m a sucker for effective usage of two timeline storytelling, and I found both of the storylines compelling. storyline 1: a young woman working against the dictatorship in Argentina and the rise and fall of her relationship with a man she meets at the same time. storyline 2: that woman, now a single mother, goes back to Argentina with her son to find his father. I love a mystery story that isn’t really a mystery in the sense of “who murdered” but rather “what happened to this relationship? what have these people done to each other?” and also the way the mother son relationship is depicted is sooooooo i mean it is sOOOOOOOOOO I still think about one particular facet of it all the stupid time. hngh

Also, Laura Restrepo is my author of 2022 because I read three books of hers this year, the Dark Bride, No Place for Heroes, and A Leopard In the Sun, and they were all in her style, but at the same time, they were all vastly different in subject matter and in setting and I’m just in awe that one woman can have that much range. Honestly, I do feel like The Dark Bride would've been on my top 5 if No Place For Heroes wasn't already in it.

TWO. The Bitch by Pilar Quintana. Maybe I just haven't found out a way to read books in this style, but when I read this book, I truly felt like I was reading something that had a style I wasn't used to? The stakes OUTWARDLY are low, it's presented as simply the life of a woman who makes a living cleaning on the coast along with her fisherman husband, who adopts a dog. And yet I was so emotionally gripped by the whole thing. SO GRIPPED. I admire how much the book feels full of meaning and metaphor while at the same time the author very strictly keeps to telling plain facts about what's going on. The meaning is in the subtext and it's left up to the reader to parse.

THREE. The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. I am so sorry to put this on here because I know it is exactly the type of business major thinking that most tumblrinas would find enraging, but I was told to read it by my then-Spanish tutor and I actually think it did help shift my perspective and inspired my late-summer 2022 thriving era. Now, did that era last? No. But it was great while it lasted. I was jogging like six times a week and I could feel myself getting stronger. The book's kind of obnoxious, but it got results. I might have to reread it in 2023.

FOUR. Women Talking by Miriam Toews. Sorry to use buzzwords but it literally is so nuanced, and I love that the central conceit of the thing (it's about women! talking!) means that a lot of the extraneous arguments about sexual assault and systemic misogyny are just things that the author can afford to ignore. Like, this is a conversation sort of by us for us, is the feeling I get, and so it can spend its time at the heart of the matter, on questions of what is right and what is just, and how to figure out the right thing to do in absolutely morally bewildering circumstances. I feel like its nuance comes from a real place of the author (and characters) trying to think things through for themselves and sincerely seeking truth, rather than being one of those annoying books where the "nuances" are just one person trying to flaunt that they can go bothsidesy at will. Also, it's not all philosophy, there's wistful romance and deep rage and friendship and bits of humor here and there.

FIVE. Reputations by Juan Gabriel Vásquez. This book is kind of a mess in some places, but it did actually hit in a way I feel like his more-acclaimed The Sound of Things Falling didn't for me. Again, I am a sucker for people being forced to grapple with their memories of the past, and I found it compelling that the main character is basically forced to doubt his own motivations and morality. Vásquez is an idiot for one or two scenes in this but on the whole it made me think, it had an effect on me, and I think overall it's worth reading.

BONUS NOVELLA. Monticello by Jocelyn Nicole Johnson, it's a bit like Red Dawn or other action/survival stories that are a sort of mix between American dystopia and American action fantasy, except in this story, it's not about winning through nationalism and white supremacy, it's about fighting against nationalism and white supremacy but on a very micro scale, a very "and then we foraged for food in the gift shop" scale.

25. What reading goals do you have for next year? I haven't set them yet! I think I'll probably try to do a baseline total goal, and then maybe some specifics, both in terms of trying to patch the many holes in my knowledge of Official Literature Canon and in terms of trying to build of a base of nonfiction knowledge for Certain Fic Stuff as;asdfkl;sdf

questions from: ask game about what you read this year

#correspondence #doreyg

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levinletlive · 2 years

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I've always wanted to learn and to share. I've always wanted to go to college and become an expert in something I could use to help my family, friends, and community. It feels vain to just say it myself, but I'm pretty intelligent. That's probably why I'm so depressed all the time, in spite of all the medications and therapy I'vegone through.

Today was a bad day. I have a list of over 50 drafts of articles that I want to write based on things I learned, care about, and thought might help or at least entertain others.

I don't know why I think that would be a useful way to spend my time. I don't have a college degree or any certifications in anything. I'm not an expert on anything except my own experience. Even then, I have a hard time figuring out what things I believe based on facts and what I believe based on my feelings. Everything I write makes me feel like a fraud and a lightningrod for punishment and abuse.

Without any formal training, I struggle to find articles and studies that are relevant to the things I want to talk about. Even when I find them, I struggle to concentrate and parse through the horrible vocabulary salads that scientists and scholars vomit up on Elsevier. Sometimes even the abstracts and the conclusions are so full of technical jargon that it feels like they were written in a dead language.

"Just Google it!" People say, but they don't tell you what to do after that. They don't tell you how to separate lengthy phrases and terms without losing your understanding before you've grasped the concept. They don't tell you what a good sample size looks like, or how to tell when something that seems logical isn't really.

I wouldn't even mind teaching myself, if all of my time wasn't monopolized by work and doctor's appointments. I became so frustrated trying to write an article about the misuse of the phrase "live within your means" in response to rapid inflation of the cost of basic necessities that I wanted to cry. Then I became frustrated, and all I could think about was how good it would feel to go swimming.

Then I became angry. I started to think about all of the simple pleasures of life that are increasingly paywalled due to privatized ownership and fees. Fees for parking, membership fees, sign up fees, reservation fees, maintenance fees, annual fees, etc. National parks used to be a free way to have quality time with nature, and now it would cost so much money in gas and fees that I would have to give up food for a week to go. A gym membership would cost me almost the same.

I'm mad. I'm pissed off that educational institutions paywall knowledge and access to high-paying jobs by charging exorbitant tuition fees and then charging up the ass for certifications to prove that you can do the job better than a monkey so employers won't have to give you any on-the-job training. I'm pissed that there are jobs that don't pay enough to cover our basic needs. I am enraged that the upper classes are rushing to lock us out of every good experience, and more quickly all the time.

Above all, I'm exhausted. It's a challenge to find reasons to keep getting up in the morning and trying to do what's necessary just to barely eke by.

I love my job, but I hate my circumstances. I just keep thinking, what would my life be like if my time was my own? What if I could just take days off without having to worry about losing access to water, shelter, and food? I want to work with people. I want a hobby that educates and entertains people. I want to write and read about subjects of passion. I want to go outside of my fucking county without starving myself at home.

And I make good money! Or, I used to. I make $26/hr, but even before I had to go out on disability (because I literally wanted to unalive) I was barely making ends meet. Now my checks are 30% smaller and my rent went up 20% last December. I have such a tiny, desperate support system because we're all carrying generational trauma that prevented our families from developing any financial stability. Now it's too late. With the rate of inflation being what it is, I just feel like I'm circling the drain. I look at the homeless camps by the riverside and see my future.

When I reach out to others to try to find a way to do something about the situation, they always just tell me to go start a fucking revolution myself. As if any one individual could just kick off Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo. Besides, is that all I am? A fucking human sacrifice? How depressing. It feels like they just want to feed me into a paper shredder. Allies like to talk the talk, but they always seem to expect the most disadvantaged people to do all the walking.

All I can think is that I wish I hadn't been born. I'm not a dragonslayer born in the age of dragons. While I am as capable of righteous fury and frankly uncharacteristic violence as anybody else, I am a healer. I do my best work comforting people who are in pain, or caring for them when they are under stress.

You know why I wanted to go to college? I wanted to develop cutting-edge robotic prosthetics for disabled people, not least of all because I'm disabled myself. I wanted to develop programs to automate some of the most difficult and tedious tasks human beings have to perform so I could save us time and energy that could be put towards taking care of ourselves and each other. I wanted to save us pain and misery. And there are thousands of people like me across the world, all just barely scraping by under fascist boots.

I just want to be able to learn without feeling like there's a time limit. I can't focus when I'm worrying about keeping food on the table. Time spent not working is money lost. My work suffers when I can't fulfill my needs, and all I have the spoons to do is play video games that let me escape to universes that are in mortal peril, and yet are still more enjoyable to live in than the real world.

I want to meet people and have meaningful conversations. I want to make friends, and have adventures, and fall in love, and experience loss with the support of my community. I'm tired of being isolated by my work schedule and my commute. I'm tired of the rich chaining me down by my needs.

I don't even know how to end this. I don't feel like looking on the bright side or pushing my pain to the side with dark humor. I'm just sitting alone in my room, avoiding my family and my pets because I'm too angry and I'm scared to let them know just how fucking close I am to losing it. They can't do anything more for me than they already are. We're all in the same position.

I wish I could be the guy who starts the revolution. I wish I could go up the hill and light a certain famous housing developer's private dick-stroking of an art museum on fire. I wish I could tell my landlord to go apply for foodstamps, because I'm not paying them another cent. I wish I was any more special than anybody else so I could carry the torch, but I'm not. I have loved ones who would be completely helpless without my support. And I don't deserve the help any more than anybody else, so this isn't me begging some wealthy patron to "pick me."

I'm just done. I wish we could all wake up one morning and just stop taking it. I wish we could just unanimously decide that we would stay home, visit our families, tend our gardens, walk our dogs, visit the beaches, and take what we need without paying a thing. I wish to God that that could be a possibility. I don't want violence. I don't want acceleration. The people who are the weakest in our society are the ones who would suffer for that.

I cannot change these circumstances, but I also cannot accept them. I can't just accept that this is going to be my life. I'm 30 and feel like I'm already looking forward to a hospice bed.

#this post has no point #personal #rant #im sorry #im always fucking sorry #and frustrated #suicide mention #depression #anxiety #disability #anti capitalism #my writing #written by me

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mb-blue-roses · 3 months

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That reminds me rhat I wanted to post my fic - I don't feel like posting the Ao3 link, so I'll drop the fic under the cut!

Reunion of Fire and Ice

1.5k words

Summary: After the Fairytale Detective insists he goes and sits down with his sister like the adults they both are, Ross Red finally makes his way to the kingdom of Snowfall to reunite with Snow White.

Ross Red makes his way through the kingdom of Snowfall, a flame-red jacket pulled around his shoulders. Dark red fur rests around his shoulders, and he gazes at the city around him. Well, his sister's kingdom is certainly thriving. He can't help but be proud of his sister, seeing the people that mill about and chatter regarding anything and everything. A cool morning breeze blows through the town. Ross holds a bag of freshly-baked breads and other breakfast foods, recently purchased from a vendor in the city. He figures it isn't a good idea to show up to an impromptu family reunion without something on hand to make it smoother.

He raps on the castle's front door.

No answer.

He raps on the castle's front door again.

No answer.

He raises his hand to pound harder on the front door, trying to draw someone to open it. Then it creaks open.

"Who's knocking at this time of the morn-" the figure in the doorway snaps, before stuttering out- "R-ross?"

Snow White, the sister he hasn't spoken to in over a thousand years, is standing in the doorway. He can't help but flinch a bit under her cold stare. There's something unreadable in her eyes. Unable to find the words, he holds up the bag of fresh breakfast. Snow gapes at him for a moment, then turns around with a snap and jerks her head in a gesture to follow her. So he does.

His shoes squeak on the tile as he follows his sister through the elegant halls. Eventually, they end in a comfortable and less ornate dining room.

"What. Are. You. Doing. Here?" Snow asks sharply. Ross slams the food on the table defensively, hissing, "What? Can't I just try to see my sister?"

"It's been over a thousand years, Ross!"

"I know you want this reunion just as much as I do, Snow!"

Surprisingly enough, Snow is the one that backs down first. She hesitantly sighs, "You're right..."

Ross busies himself with spreading out the assorted foods, so that he doesn't have to look his sister in the eyes. He can't bring himself to look her in the eyes, as much as he wants to see her response. She remarks, "Let me guess. This was the detective's idea."

Involuntarily, Ross snorts.

"So that's a yes," she states in reply.

The room settles into an awkward silence. Snow's foot taps on the ground, and Ross shuffles thing around the table. He glances up, and looks out the window. The sunlight reflects off a little bit of snow, and the flourishing kingdom makes him smile at his sister's competence.

"Your kingdom seems to be flourishing," he remarks, "That's good."

Snow coughs, clearly trying to disguise a laugh, before she tells him, "I'm not the queen of Snowfall, Ross." "You... aren't?" he asks, startled. He would've expected her to be the ruler of this kingdom. He couldn't think of anyone else, there was no way their father was still in power.

"Who is, then? Surely not Dad?" Snow chuckles again, and then a voice rings out from the doorway.

"...Prince Ross? What are you doing here?"

Ross whirls around. Gerda, now a young woman, stands there. Her hair is loose, and she's wearing a night gown with a blanket around her shoulders. She rocks back and forth on her heels, watching Ross with a confused expression.

"What... what are you doing here, Gerda?" he asks in return. He can hear Snow snort in amusement before Gerda raises an eyebrow at him and says, "I... live here?"

He gapes at her for a moment, his jaw open as he tries to process. Gerda lives here? In the castle? Fascinating. He parses through his thoughts, attempting to form a response. He's saved from that by Gerda asking, "Anyways, how are Rapunzel and Belladonna doing?"

"They're doing well," he answers, "Belladonna has finally stopped insulting me when we are alone in the same room."

Gerda's face scrunches up in amusement. Ross offers her a hesitant smile. Then he asks, "Well, how are you doing then, Gerda?"

Gerda opens her mouth to reply, but then there's a rapping on the wall behind her. A young man, around Gerda's age, steps up to stand next to her. His hair is a soft blonde color, his eyes an icy blue. He presses a kiss to Gerda's cheek, and she blushes. The man asks, "May I ask how you know my wife, sir?"

By this point, Snow is doing nothing to stifle her laughter. The blonde man rolls his eyes, clearly amused by her reaction. Gerda's giggling as well, though it appears she doesn't have as much context for the situation as Snow does. Snow beckons the two of them further into the room, and they both move further in. The man leans on the counter, slotting himself easily in the corner of the small counter. Gerda, meanwhile, pulls out a stool and sits next to him. When both kids (they're adults, he knows this, but in his mind they're kids) are settled, Snow claps her hands. Ross can't help but stare. Gerda's married? He never knew her all that well, considering how little time they spent together and the fact that he was more focused on Rapunzel at that time, but it still surprises him. Nudging him to get his attention, Snow starts, "Ross, this is my son, Gwyn."

Ross is left speechless yet again, his head spinning. Based on Snow's movement, she's likely telling Gwyn that Ross is his uncle. He has a nephew?! He missed so much while was estranged. Likely, he was the king. Blinking away his thoughts he asks, "How long have you had a son?!"

"My entire life," Gwyn replies with a shit-eating grin. Gerda snorts loudly, before blushing and covering her face with her hand. Gwyn smiles and leans into her. Wait a minute...

"Does that make Gerda my niece-in-law?" he asks.

Gerda nods, taking Gwyn's hand.

"You also have a nephew-in-law. I'm married to them both, and them to each other," Gwyn says, at the same time Gerda mumbles, "Where is he? He's usually the first one up..."

Before Ross has a chance to process any of that, and almost as if mentioning him summoned him, another young man comes into the kitchen. The cane in his hand taps against the wooden floor as he sleepily enters, rubbing at his eyes. He approaches the table, saying, "G'morning everyone. Where'd this come from?"

"The uncle I just learned that I had," Gwyn answers, jerking his thumb to point at Ross. The man's head snaps up, and he looks at Ross with a startled expression. After staring blankly at Ross for a moment, he seems to make some sort of mental connection. He says, "Oh, you're the one who took Gerda to Floralia a few years ago. My name is Kai."

Kai offers Ross a handshake, which he respectfully accepts. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Kai, my name is Ro- Wait, how do you know about that?"

Kai chuckles awkwardly, his free hand finding its way to the back of his neck. He answers, "Well, Gerda's been my best friend for most of my life. When I saw you leaving the village with her, I wanted to make sure she was safe. So, I followed you. I... didn't get very far, and the detective saved me. She was at our wedding, actually."

So everything comes back to the detective, and an improbably tangled web of connections. Huh.

After a moment of awkward silence, Gerda hops off her stool. She strides over to the table, kissing her other husband on the cheek. Gwyn follows suit, and Kai turns bright red. Seeing the display of affection brings an uncharacteristically fond smile, unbidden, to his face. It reminds him of how he and Rapunzel were, in the early years. A small, but loud, part of him misses that. It also reminds him of how that frog prince (James, was his name?) and Snow acted before Ross left his family behind over it.

As the happy trio talks and serves themselves from the dishes Ross spread out on the table earlier, Ross himself turns to his sister. When she turns to him, he twists his head to look at Gwyn. The king is laughing, his face scrunched up in delight as his husband kisses some butter off his nose and his wife sneaks a sausage off his plate. Then he turns back to his sister and asks, "Was he with..."

"Yes. It didn't work out, and he's dead now. We were divorced for a few hundred years before that."

There's a lot of unanswered questions there, but she doesn't seem inclined to answer them. He can respect that. After all, he did show up at her house at eight in the morning after over a thousand years of no contact.

"We should join the kids," Snow says, and so they do. Questions can wait.

#dark parables #ross red dark parables #snow white dark parables #gerda dark parables #gwyn dark parables #kai dark parables #gwyrdai #<- im nothing if not predictable #obligatory 'takes place in an au where ttatt didn't happen and they all got married instead' tag #rapunzel and belladonna are both mentioned #fanfic #dark parables fanfic #Arty_Girl_Writes

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the-amalgam-house · 2 years

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I keep wanting to talk about plural things in the plural chat in wereweb but I feel like I just go on and on way too much and no one's really that interested. It's been like a year since finally allowing myself to admit that I'm plural, that we're a system, that my rate of people to person is higher than average.

But even though many others in that chat are prob the same, more recent than like established? I guess? I still feel weird trying to parse how I feel about the subject of just being plural to begin with. I feel like it has a lot, a LOT to do with being raised in Christianity and in a Christian culture heavy secular world. Being multiple people is supposed to be something sinister, demonic. It's possession, these things these people we believe are sharing this body they MUST be demons! And like, for some ppl some alters do identify as demons but that's beside the point.

So I spent years, YEARS experiencing grey outs and time loss and emotional amnesia and all kinds of things, chalking it up to "depression messes with memory" and "dissociating doesn't necessarily mean DID or anything like that", to actually experiencing switches and recalling how I (as Toby) can only access most memories in third person in 240p, and to finally admitting I have some kind of identity disorder with my dissociation, only just last year.

Is funny cause I was thinking about it the other day how I was always described and self identified as "oblivious", to just about everything. The dissociation and maladaptive daydreaming really kept me so far away from this reality that I have very little memory of what the fuck happened in most of my life. My being oblivious was me actively trying to pretend I don't live in this world at all, and I can recognize that now. The few highlights I can still remember are specifically because of my friends who gave me joy and meaning in my life. Even then, it's exceptionally hard to recall much from any point, and even less emotional recall. I can remember data points, things that happened, but not how I felt at the time. These days I now know it's because that emotional memory is split away from the event and given to someone else (mostly Noey).

There are a few things that can occasionally get through here and there. Ever since we decided to actively work together, since starting to discover each other, we all seem to be able to share memory a little more. It's not that there aren't any walls, but rather that the walls are glass and kinda frosted.

I think because of this relief in accepting this reality that we're a bunch of people in one body, there has been a precedent set that anyone who comes forward or is newly split isn't going to be in danger of the others in the system, or likely not a danger TO others in the system either, and so they're starting to come out of the woodworks and be open about their experiences, as complex and nuanced as they are.

Most recent explorations deal with helping ilo and milo figure themselves out. They occupy the same space and "body" in a sense, in the way that they can't be present at the same time. Both of them are the same ghostly apparition, switching between the two depending on how they feel.

More recently, though, they are getting much more distinct in their presentations. As a ghost, they can look however they want/feel, and I want to try to help them find their...I guess aesthetic? Their sense of self? Since they originated as Deadname and were forced to conform to the whims of insistent family, until their death. Or I guess "dormancy" since they tectonically came back as a ghost?

Tho on that note, I've read where some headmates go dormant, maybe just for a while maybe forever, but Deadname didn't feel like "just dormant". When I finally discovered that Deadname HAD been around and then stopped, it really felt like a death, like a loss of life.

Them being back as ilo and milo doesn't change the fact that they D I E D and that was incredibly hard to process. I STILL feel guilty about it even though ilo and I have had a few talks since and we get along fine. She's so much like me, what with us having once been the core together. We're still often very blurry when we're around each other, and it's p clear she holds a lot of bad memories and emotions from young adult years, even if they were much more dull, near nonexistent, when she first came back. ilo has been the one to keep track of the kids lately (Noey and Belly). She always wanted kids, and as long as she is ilo she can be their mom.

milo is different. milo is solely raw sorrow and anger. she seems like she has the potential to become more of an individual, but she's constantly in high alert...like she's ilo's protector. Even to other headmates, she will get aggressive and doesn't trust everyone yet. She's fine about the kids, but if ilo starts to get overly upset then it's milo who switches in. She's not really harmful, she just takes on the form of like the classic dark haired ghost girl to be intimidating, to protect herself and ilo. It's understandable. ilo had to shoulder ALL of the burden of facing that time in our last church. Which I'm realizing that basically ilo covered just that space in time from when we started in that church (about age 18) to leaving that church after marriage. Whatever that place did to us...I don't care how much they think they're good and righteous people, that place royally fucked us up.

Oof. Anyway. Might have more thoughts but this post is long enough.

#toby talk #ghostly ilo #ghastly milo

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my-strange-attraction · 3 years

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hi~~

I've seen you give advice to other anons and you seem like you really know what you're talking about so I hope you don't mind me asking for some advice.

ATM I identity as aroace. I've never had a proper crush despite already being a hs junior and I really thought I never could but I might have found an exception and now I'm very confused. I have for sure realized that I am ace so it's just the aro part of my identity I'm struggling with. There's his guy in school and we are friends but I think I might have feelings for him, I'm just not sure what feelings they are. We talk a lot and we're pretty close considering how little time it's been since we've been friends. I'm just not sure if I actually have a crush or if I'm just fixating on him because I don't have a lot of guy friends. I'm Desi, and it's been pretty hard to feel "desirable" as a girl living in America so I'm worried I might just be craving male validation. I had some issues with my gender identity a few months ago for a similar reason, not feeling connected to the western image of femininity, so I'm worried this might be caused by a similar sentiment

Hi anon! Ok so these are some really good questions (questions? ponderings? idk) and it reminds me a lot of some stuff I went through in high school in regards to sexual/ romantic identity and also some stuff I've gone through more recently in regards to my gender identity. Now, I know this advice is going to sound so basic but it's really helped me out in the long run and I think it's probably what you need to hear too: In the end, it doesn't matter where your feelings are coming from--they're still your feelings, and you should follow them and do what makes you happy regardless.

Let me expand a bit on that. I can see you're doing a lot of questioning of yourself and your motivations, and questioning of what you're feeling. I know it goes against everything you've heard here on The Hellsite™ but I need for you not to analyze yourself and try to parse out where your feelings are coming from. Ask yourself: does it really matter why you don't feel connected to your agab? Will knowing it's because you're Desi change the way you feel? Will it change the fact that your self perception of your gender doesn't line up with the western image of femininity? Probably not, so what's the point on analyzing it?

Now I know that was just an example of something in the past, so let's apply it to this current situation. Feelings for people are a bit more tricky than feelings about yourself, so it's not an exact method (and I have some more to add to this advice after this) but consider your feelings for this friend. If you enjoy hanging out with him and you're close with him and you know you feel some sort of feelings for him, how much will it help to analyze where these feelings are coming from? If he makes you happy to hang out with him and gives you some sort of warm fuzzy feelings, does it really matter if you're just fixating on him because he's a guy? They're still your feelings, whether they come from a place of liking him as a person or if they're helped out by the fact that he's a guy and you don't have many guy friends.

Now, just because we've established the validity of your feelings doesn't mean you have to do anything about them. There's this idea that society has ingrained in us that if you have a feeling about someone you need to follow that, and that's just not true. Sometimes the timing is right, or sometimes you know it wouldn't actually work out no matter what your feelings are trying to tell you, or a billion other scenarios that I won't type out because this is, of course, getting long because I'm me.

No matter what, it seems like you guys have a solid friendship, and you having some sort of feelings doesn't have to change that. If you want it to change, then that's great, and he seems like someone you can trust not to hurt you from what you've told me, but if you still think you've got some work to do on yourself, in figuring out who you are, in getting more comfortable with your identities, or getting more comfortable with not fully knowing or understanding your identities, then that's cool too.

The advice I've given you today isn't a one size fits all and I'm not super experienced in this stuff myself, but what I do know is that nothing in high school sticks past graduation. I had a similar situation to you where I thought I had a crush on a guy because he was my first guy friend ever and it went on for a while. Nothing ever became of it because we weren't that close but thinking back on it, even if I had dated him and then realized I was very, very aroace, I'd still be in the same place I am now. High school (and college for that matter, seriously why am I acting like I'm so much older, I'm literally still a sophomore in college) is a very exploratory period in your life and if you spend all that time constantly questioning your own motivations I think you're taking it too seriously. Have fun, make mistakes, figure yourself out somewhere along the way. Better to do it all now than when it actually matters, right?

I hope this helped and wasn't too long, anon. You can definitely always come to me for advice and I'll do my best to help out from my own experiences. Also anyone who has some additional advice, you know you're always welcome to add on!

#ask #anon #advice #aroace #cloudy rambles

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shamelessllamapeanutthing · 3 years

Text

My MatchaBlossom playlist

Here's the link to the playlist on Spotify-

Song meanings and POVs elaborated on down under.

Call it what you want- Taylor Swift

(Let's start with a TS song cause why tf not. I am and always will be a total slut for her 💜)

Okay, just the general vibe of this song is that of a person who's been through a bit and has now found a love so beautiful it's helping them heal and I feel like that ties in so well with Cherry and Joe's entire arc. I hear this song in Cherry's POV when Joe's affection is starting to restore his faith in love and life after Adam's done fucked it all up. Or even when his anxiety gets really fucking bad or whatever. It's just got big comfort vibes and I am a total whore for Cherry acknowledging and appreciating everything that Joe does for him.

All my flowers grew back as thorns,

Windows boarded up after the storm,

He built a fire just to keep me warm.

Explosion- Zolita

PINING JOE PINING JOE PINING JOE

*ahem* let me be more articulate.

TEENAGED PINING JOE

Don't call me about him I don't wanna hear

Put him out of your mind just make him disappear

Stop pretending you got nothing left to hide

My memory is slipping and it's killing me alive

Reached the bitter end

Can't pretend I'm not in love with my best friend, my best friend

Hate that you know me- BLEACHERS

Okay I think this song fits Cherry very well, especially when he is still trying to understand his dynamic with Joe. My personal headcanon is that Cherry is prone to bouts of self-hatred because of his anxiety and consequently, doesn't always consider himself deserving of Joe's love, and so, he tends to dislike it at times when Joe seems to understand him better than others and anticipate his needs so well, and I feel like this song depicts that beautifully.

Sometimes I hate that you know me so well (so well)

Sometimes I, I hate that you know me so well (and I hate ya)

Some days I, I wish that I wasn't myself (No)

No luck! (No)

And I hate that you know me so well

Heart attack- Demi Lovato

Okay, I can not be the only person who thinks of teenaged Cherry every time this song comes on. Imagine a Cherry who's flabbergasted by the strength of his feelings for Joe, and can never figure out what to do with himself.

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair; pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air; it feels so good, but you know it hurts

Lover- Taylor Swift

I have a very specific scene in mind when it comes to this song and that is MatchaBlossom slow-dancing in the first house they get together.

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Make you mine- PUBLIC

You knew this song was going to end up on here lol.

Strangely enough, aware as I am of the fact that most of the fandom believes Joe was the one chasing Cherry (and I agree) this song just hits me as all Cherry's. It has all of his characteristic dogged determination and refusal to admit defeat lol

Well, I have called you darlin' and I'll say it again, again

So kiss me 'til I'm sorry, babe, that you are gone and I'm a mess

And I'll hurt you and you'll hurt me and we'll say things we can't repeat

Mess is Mine- Vance Joy

Slightly older, mellowed out MatchaBlossom, starting to realise they're in this together for the long run, that they always have been.

Further I feel like verse 1 and 2 respectively follow Joe and Cherry's POVs

First we have Joe, who is just brimming with the realisation that Cherry is his for good.

Talking like we used to do

It was always me and you

Shaken up and shipping out

Check me in and check me out

...

Hold on my darling

This mess was yours, now your mess is mine

Secondly, we have Cherry, who considers himself unbelievably lucky to have been considered worthy of Joe's love and keeps wondering if he is half as good a partner to the other man as he is to him.

See you in the market place

Walking around at 8 AM

Got two hours before my flight

Luck be on my side tonight

You're the reason that I feel so strong

The reason that I'm hanging on

You know you gave me all that time

Did I give enough of mine

More than Friends- BEKA HONNE

Baby MatchaBlossom pining. Really sweet, soft vibes. I keep thinking of shy, unsure junior high school Kaoru and Kojiro suddenly becoming blushing, stuttering messes around each other for a period of time as they both hit the realisation that they'd very much like to be kissing each other and it's very much not a Friend™ thing.

It happens after Joe has freshly realised that he is bi after all and Kaoru is exactly what he needs. Again, verse one reminds me of Joe, verse two of Cherry. They are down under respectively.

Driving home and those cats eyes got me seeing you

I'm always seeing you

I don't know how to tell you that I was wrong before

I thought I needed more

I was wondering if we could talk

I think about you every day

And the mixtape you made

Is all I ever to play

And every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

...

I never thought I would see your face at my door again

Not at 3 AM

And I don't know just why I wasn't enough before

I thought you needed more

I know you came here to talk

Can't listen to the tape I made

It brings me too much pain

Cause every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

This song can also work if you reverse the POV orders and then see it post Adam, but the vibe is a lil too soft for that.

Night go slow- Catey Shaw

MatchaBlossom but in a chill, lo-fi aesthetic.

The cars all stop where they are

When you take my hand, there is no time

Every moment that passes by with you

I wish I could rewind

Let go of your ways

And forget today

Just follow me tonight

Do you understand why I put all my plans on hold?

Not Afraid Anymore- Halsey

Okay, this one goes a lil heavy but imagine a traumatised Cherry, ya know after Ad*m, finally learning to let himself go and feel things again, emotionally and sexually, with Kojiro.

I also feel like they are two kinky bastards so really if you only wanna interpret it like that be my guest.

I am not ashamed anymore

I want something so impure

You better impress now, watching my dress now fall to the floor

Crawling underneath my skin, sweet talk with a hint of sin

Begging you to take me

Devil underneath your grin, sweet thing

But she play to win, heaven gonna hate me

People Crying Every Night- A R I Z O N A

I hear this song as Joe trying to get through to a hesitant Cherry, trying to make him see that while they don't get a say in so many other things, things that have happened and things that will happen, they get to choose the life they have together. They get to pick out their happy ending, build one out of scratch with each other and even if they have nothing else, at least they have this.

Oh and as the day

Turns into night

The things that we can't say

The things we try to hide

Like everyone else

We can't choose the way we die

Oh but we can choose

The way we live tonight

Oh I wish I had the answers

I wish I had the time

To give you all the reasons

Why it's worth it down the line

Ready to go- NEFFEX

This song is an ✨ aesthetic ✨

Okay but imagine, young, punk! MatchaBlossom, maybe around the time when they're travelling the world together?

It's all hot and heady, and Joe is thrilled by the wild, wild force of nature Kaoru is. He can't do anything but give in.

She said stay for a minute

Play with my limits

Drink till we're sinnin'

Baby I'm ready to go

...

She said she's finally alive

When she starts losing control

I said I know what to do

Just let our bodies go

Shine a Light- BANNERS

Another Kojiro song. This one reflects his inner struggle as he feels torn between wanting to comfort and protect Cherry after Adam, and the fact that he is hopelessly in love with Cherry who inadvertently keeps hurting him with how he is lost in the huge web of feelings he can't parse through, not completely blind to how much Kojiro loves him but not fully realising it either. This song reminds me of a confused and helpless Kojiro. Loving Kaoru is such an integral part of him that it makes him, him and it is his constant in the rapidly changing world around him as he stands on the brink of adulthood. He is very nearly ready to beg for mercy and yet knows he, himself is saved by the love he has for Kaoru.

And when the night falls, oh, call on me

Just don't forget to show me some mercy

Ooh, say you're mine

Ooh, take me higher

Sleepover- Hayley Kiyoko

JOE PINING @ HOMOEROTIC SLEEPOVERS WITH YOUR B(est)F

You wanna be friends forever?

I can think of something better

I'm just feeling low, feeling low

Sleeping here right next to me

But will you ever mess with me?

Thank you, my twilight- the pillows

Listen, this has been my fav classic Japanese love anthem for so long and to think it is PERFECT for Matchablossom just makes my heart go 💞

The lyrics are heart-wrenchingly raw and real, which is great reflection of Joe and Cherry's relationship. I include a translation of a few verses below, the first one seems something snatched straight out of Joe's internal monologues and the second one depicts the breathless intensity and loyalty so typical of Kaoru:

If you think it looks like I'm waiting for someone

Then you're right

I've been waiting for you

...

Sometimes people will ask me

"How far will you go for her?"

BABY as far as it takes

Wings- HAERTS

Another song depicting Cherry healing from Adam and learning to accept Joe's love, but a fluffier and sweeter way to go about it.

In which, Cherry decides to separate all of the sweeter moments of his and Joe's days with Adam from all of the bitterness, and carry that in his heart after they part ways and he finally moves on.

I will never let you go

I know you want it, know you want it

Learning love means not to know

I'll learn to take it,

Would you mind- PRETTYMUCH

Ending this post with a fluffy, flirty rec that could be Joe's anthem. See for yourselves.

Say you don't catch feelings, you say you ain't the love type

I'ma have to work, then, uh the whole night

Nothing like your ex, no, this ain't what you used to

Just give me that chance, girl, uh, won't lose you

See it? ;) Also, I feel like Joe had typical frat boy taste in music at some point so

#Spotify #sk8 the infinity #matchablossom #matchablossom playlist #past loveblossom #kaoru sakurayashiki #kaoru x kojiro #nanjo kojiro #sk8 cherry blossom #sk8 infinity

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