#idk it's like I'm scared to have confidence in my own stuff

[jojosgaylittleadventure]

~

I only just got to respond to the first few comments on my fics on Ao3 and I just T-T thank you for your donations to the "Sophia has imposture syndrome" fund

#lol no one will read or interact with this post probably I'm just vomiting out a stream of consciousness #I constantly second guess myself and my writing and that's half the reason why most of my fics have sat on a google drive for years and #never been posted #I have a literal minor in creative writing and have had my prose work as well as scripts win awards but my dumb ass brain goes #“Oh no I suck at writing why do I still do it” #But I also have never hated my work #idk it's like I'm scared to have confidence in my own stuff #I also get nervous when my work is different from other people's in terms of content and style but idk why #cuz isn't that a good thing???? #I am dumb #But thank you to the few people commenting and the people leaving kudos #And thanks especially to Miima/chococostrawberry #Christ you're gonna kill me being so nice 🥺 #Anyways... #Sophia talks too much

[amphitritebaby]

crazy rambling incoming

#i submitted my post botox survey yesterday and god. like im fucked. it was like list ur symptoms and what % theyve improved and every single #one is 0% #like its joever #and while yes i am happy that 1 its submitted and its over and now i can finally schedule a fucking meeting about sugery like. ahhhg i feel #like my symptoms Have improved in my head. like the oh its not actually that bad ur fine. (as i am typing this my symptoms are flaring up #when they normally dont lol) and like. im just so scared that i'll get to the doctors and theyll say well botox worked a lil bit. #but not a lot. so u can do more botox and extend this process #or u can get surgery which is faster but also SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE #and i'm absolutely Not complaining about having a choice obvs im very grateful that 1 my doctors are nice enough to not push me into the #more expensive option just because #and 2 im lucky that this isn't a more pressing issue #but god. with all of the ingrained self doubt and oh ur exagerating and the tough i out mentality i have #and with the fact that i'm not in Constant pain #its just in certain positions and stuff. i'm just so scared about having to make a choice between surgery and Not sugery because i Want #the surgery so bad if it fixes me but i just dont know if i have the confidence to say definitively Yes. I Want Surgery. when its such #an ENORMOUS financial burden on my parents. like a life-ruinning financial burden. #not like it would be life-ruining for my family #like we would be alright... just... i don't want to add that to their plate especially when they get all sad when i pay my own med bills #idk. anyways that was a huge rant and if u see me complaining about this on anon to my mutuals no u didnt

[etincelleart]

I have a lot of weird moods lately, all of it being mixed completely in a chaotic way, but I think it feels nice to figure out some stuff and to think about it o/

I'm thinking a lot about how I experience love in fact, because I always wonder if my affection comes from my desire to get some physical reassurance or just to feel loved because of my own complex family situation. Like even if it takes me time to fully develop crushes or actually fall in love, I always find myself wondering very early in relationships if romantic (or at least romantic coded) stuff could happen between one person or me. And idk I just don't know if that's something pretty ok or not, or if it's just my lack of confidence speaking ? What do I need or want exactly ? Sometimes I feel like my brain is just jumping on people as if I was searching some kind of comfort absolutely, but it's not always something I have control over.

It's confusing, I remember I loved people deeply but it also caused me a lot of pain, and I don't want to go through that again and I felt really free last time I finally felt like I cut off the strings that took me attached to someone too much to the point I would feel bad. It's a real difficult thing to talk or even think about because I now realize love isn't just "we love each other, let's date", there are so much situations, so much nuances, so much needs, so much differences depending of the person(s).

I know I'm demi and super super super super super romantic and also can be super super sexually attracted to someone at some point, it just takes me time, and sometimes it's blurred and confusing, but at the same time I just don't know what to expect or want from a "classic" or "normal" romantic relationship. I want to date yes, but what is it exactly ? How does that work ? How are you supposed to know these codes or norms, how can you be sure you're doing good ?

Sometimes I just wish things could just be like, "we have this strong bond and we both love physical affection, let's just do our thing and decide of what we'd like for us as we go" without just thinking too much, but at the same I'm demi and developing a crush or love can take so much time, and sometimes it's not even a crush it's more but it's not fully romantic either, I can get so lost in all this,,

It feels good to learn and do researches about it tho, because in fact even if I did try and even if I did loved people a lot, I never got into a romantic relationship for real and idk I'm 24 and just wondering how that stuff work. I'm not even pressed by time or anything or what I'm just, really curious and also just trying to understand what could work for me too, or what if I'm just lacking experience and stuff will be clear as I go on, idk

I haven't really thought about all of that for the past few years, mostly focused on uni, and honestly I just felt really good on my own after the chaos of my previous romantic experience. But now after a few years chilling in my corner I admit I start to think about it again, and while I don't actively seek anything or just want it absolutely, I'm just scared of how I would handle things if that does happen again. Especially with all the stuff going on on my side, with family and all

I may be good at art, I'm not that great when it comes to relationships. But I always have been really romantic lmao and it just comes out because I still have this idea of giving a lot to someone. idk when you experience romantic attraction it's just so big and so hard to describe, I just wish I could love myself just as much as I loved someone else in the past

So I've been learning about QPRs, searching and also reading and watching videos, talking about it, and basically I'm learning a lot of stuff about all of the possibilities that exist for relationships. I don't know if my strong love always come from what I experienced at home and I just try to fill the hole, or if I'm just truly like that and love a lot, but either way, no matter when or what happen I just hope things can be smooth, and that I can learn to handle my own insecurities

#just some thoughts about love and attraction and relationships because i admit it's been on my mind a lot lately #qpr #relationship #romantic #love

[beannary]

If you want to talk about one of your aus, or au ideas, I'd love to hear about them! (*scoots my chair forward, looking hopeful*)

ok ive been wanting to answer this for a while but i kept on being so scared because ah! this is the one opportunity ill get to talk about my au! but then i realized that is stupid this is not gonna be my only opportunity to talk about my au

putting my ramblings under a read more because i ended up uh saying a whole lot about Donnie and his relationship with both Splinter and Big Mama

ok so basically ive been thinking a lot about the little prince au because it is fully my child and i adore it so much but ive been specifically thinking about Donnie and Splinter's relationship because I really want to write their relationship well

theyre gonna have such an interesting relationship. I know I havent gotten into how Big Mama ended up with Donnie but I am working on a comic for that so I'm not going to get into all of the details but Splinter does know that he left a turtle behind, he just thinks that the turtle he left behind died in the lab explosion, so over the years he has dealt with guilt because of that but overtime that guilt not necessarily faded but he comes to rationalize it because truly it wasn't his fault that Donnie got left behind, and truly there was nothing he could have done to save Donnie. But once he learns that Donnie is not only alive but that he's been living with Big Mama, Splinter's guilt is going to come back at full force because oh my god, not only is the kid that he thought was dead actually alive but he was raised by the woman who kidnapped Splinter and forced him to fight for years!

Splinter is going to be trying so hard to get Donnie to live with him once he learns that Donnie is alive, and he's going to be trying so hard to be the best parent for Donnie ever to like makeup for abandoning Donnie back in the lab explosion. or you know, not abandoning Donnie but that's what Splinter sees it as

I also want Donnie to have like similar reactions to leaving Big Mama that Splinter had. Like undeniably Splinter was incredibly depressed after leaving Big Mama, and like Big Mama turned this thing that Splinter loved, you know performing and being in the spotlight and entertaining!, and completely took away any agency that he could have to this thing that he loved to the point where he refused to take part in it just so he could have some sort of control over his life again

When Donnie leaves Big Mama (whether its by his own will or not I havent decided or figured out how he comes to live with the Hamatos yet) but he's going to go through something similar just a complete shut down where he abandons everything that he loved to do because he now associates them with Big Mama and her control over him if that makes sense? Like Donnie LOVES dancing and he loves playing music and listening to music! but these are activities that Big Mama actively encouraged and so naturally hes going to associate them with her.

I think one thing Donnie is going to throw himself into when he first leaves Big Mama is his inventing. Sort of like how Splinter would lose himself in his shows, I think Donnie is going to get into a sort of headspace where he just spaces out and doesn't have to think about anything while he's tinkering around.

Donnie and Splinter I think are also both going to want to try to prove themselves to each other? Splinter I think might end up being really overbearing while trying to makeup for all this lost time while Donnie is going to try to be the perfect son for Splinter just like he tried to be the perfect son for Big Mama

But like once they actually get to talking and once Donnie is more comfortable around Splinter I think these two are going to have a lot of heart to hearts just because Big Mama controlled their lives for so long, there's a lot of stuff to bond over and relate to

Idk Im not super confident in my writing abilities and Im trying really hard to portray Big Mama as a narcissistic parent but a lot of the stuff that I've read about how narcissistic personality disorder might portray itself in a parental role like centers heavily on the way that they pit siblings against each other and Donnie does not have a sibling! So I guess in a sense he would be both the golden child and the scapegoat which must make for a confusing existence. I dont even know if im portraying this well at all or if any of this is coming across in my writing but I sure hope that it is!

Another thing I want to get into is how Big Mama like reacts to Donnie's inventing because like having a super smart kid that can build you whatever you want is logically a very good resource to have and she does want him to keep building her stuff. But like inventing is messy! Science is messy! In an ideal world Donnie would be getting down and dirty working hard on engineering and botany, and like Donnie can sometimes get so focused on his work that he turns into a bit of a hermit till he comes out of that focused mindset and that's really the part that Big Mama doesn't like because like yes having a super smart kid does reflect very well on her, but having a kid whose constantly playing in the dirt or messing around with explosives and other dangerous devices and who occasionally goes completely MIA while working does not reflect well on her. So she's put into a position where she both wants Donnie to keep building her stuff but she also doesn't want all that extra messiness that comes with encouraging this interest of his.

Anyways im going to stop now because this has gotten WAY too long and I dont even know where im going with this! but it was so helpful to write this all out and just like getting my like thoughts you know written out so I can actually see if any of this makes sense asdklfjhsakdjh

#bean babbles #literally bean is babbling so much in this one guys #answered asks #writing-biting #tlp au #the little prince separated au #idk im kind of feeling this all out especially with big mama and donnies relationship #because i am projecting a lot obviously because donnie is my blorbo but also like my relationship with my mom is not nearly as intense #as donnies is with big mama #so mostly ive been doing a lot of reading into psychology to try to write this well #and i hope that as i write more about big mama and donnie that i will be writing that well #idk im so nervous about this au because drawing is definitely something im better at than writing and doing a comic is like combining both #and combining something im good at with something im not super confident with #OK im shutting up for real now askdlhfjalksjhdf

[sigmxnd]

okay poll is saying yes so im going for it (this is gonna get very rambly and might not all connect or be coherent but oh well)

i've realized i love taking my favorite characters and putting a bunch of the same hcs to them cause i like making my favorites more like me

i know why this happens, its cause im silly and i look at these characters and my brain just goes "i like that" and then i just ARYARAYAEAGA4AYA and get rabies, but also like a lot of the time i look at these characters that more often than not i see myself in them

these stupid dumb dirt eating rebellious evil losers just exist and i see stuff happen to them for the plot and i just go "i see you. i know you. you're just like me fr" but they aren't real so they don't know i understand them but yknow

but at the same time its always an internal battle cause i percieve other people's opinions and hcs all the time, but at the same time i'm so utterly terrified of sharing most of my stuff and my own hcs that i'm not confident in for fear of being percieved and having someone else think I'M weird. and yeah i am weird but i don't wanna be seen as like. bad weird

i just recently shared that i hc mike and zeke as being autistic, cause as a peer reviewed autistic i find it extremely comforting and it makes me super happy to think of them like that, but like they're not the only ones i think of that way. it's pretty much all of them that i think of that way, which makes sense, but idk it makes me feel a lil weird

ik i can do whatever i want (within reason) but it feels almost strange to do all this when i currently don't even have access to the rest of the td seasons AND there's not a lot of hc differences between them, and it feels cringe or something idk

but anyway i love making jokes about how i am absolutely INFATUATED😍✨️‼️ with both duncan and scott and i hate courtney with such a burning seething passion. she was so mean to both of them, i can fix them (or also make them worse. i could do that for funzies)

tl;dr: I'M CRAZY I'M OFF THE WALLS I'M NUTS I'M BONKERS I'M SILLY I'M GOOFY I'M WACKY I'M SO UTTERLY GOOBERISH (i'm scared to talk about all of my hcs for my favorites out of fear of people looking at me with their EYES, and probably something else. sorry guys my own post doesn't even make sense to me)

sigmund silly sessions will happen again, this was fun to just vomit my thoughts

#total drama #tdi #tdroti #shitpost #ramblings #text #td duncan #td scott #sigmund silly sessions?!?

[elvenbeard]

V Then and Now

Yes, I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon too! XD Even though I feel like Vince really hasn't changed much at all, but AMM defintiely gave me an opportunity to take better pics of him :D Because poses <3 and subtle expressions <3 "look at" feature, my beloved <3

2022/12/18

This was the first pic of him I ever took in Photomode where you could actually see his face XD I had taken scenic pics mostly until then, or him just standing somewhere and looking into the distance. I remember that it felt weird to take pics of him at first... I figure, since it's a first person game and you don't really see your character's face up close that much, it was always like "uh, hello sir, sorry for approaching so closely" initially xD he felt a little bit like a stranger. Glad I'm over that now :D

I'm a chronic screenshot taker though, and so this is not technically his "oldest" pic I have. That would be this:

2022/11/27

The usual "oh no, I like this guy... better take shots of all his sliders real quick so I don't lose him if I wanna play him again!"

But my most favourite early pic of him that I shared with everyone back then was from the 6-month-montage:

Idk there is just something about it that really... captured his essence in a sense and the brainrot started XD Little cocky bastard coming into his own finally but still has to hype himself up in front of the bathroom mirror bc on the inside he's just a scared kid really xD And that hasn't changed until now - yeah I can say with relative confidence that his personality did not change much, just became more well-rounded over the months, he has a very well-developed backstory now, and I keep getting to know him better and better as I'm slowly going through my second playthrough xD

2023/07/18

He's still an edgy bastard, but he got his tattoos upgraded to something fitting his vibes better :3 His fashion sense is still soemthing that stands out, even more so now than it used to! That is probably the biggest change from that early shot, his wardrobe fitting his corpo background and personality more (cause first time around I was so caught up in story stuff and didn't really know yet what options there were in terms of clothing and styles... so I just put him in that random Wraiths jacket for a large part of my first playthrough xD I still like that style of jacket a lot, and him just running around shirtless under his coats and jackets bc gotta show off those tats :3).

2023/07/01

I am very very happy with his looks and as of right now I'm not really planning on changing anything big about his physical appearance. He is and always was (and always will be) equipped with very little cyberware, he has tattoos that fit him now (although I might expand on them in the future for a potential post-2077 appearance). I still wanna do an updated wardrobe post and mod him some custom top surgery scars, but I liked him a lot from the start and feel like if I changed him too much it wouldn't be my Vince anymore xD

#cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk v #male v cyberpunk #cp2077 #cyberpunk vp #cyberpunk 2077 vp #virtual photography #my vp #vincent ezaki #trans!v tuesday

[skrs-cats]

I have reread sunrise (the first actual wc book I've ever owned) and it's been WILD reliving a few of my memories with all the made up stuff I've accumulated in brainrot over the three, now I have all these thoughts that I have to vomit out. Aka a REALLY LONG incomprehensible ramble post abt the ending book of po3. Mostly about lionblaze though. I'm sory

*IDK how many times I've mentioned this, but chapter 1 starting out w lion leaving the df for good and beating tigerstar in a fight ALWAYS makes me wonder how things would have been affected if he just straight up went for the killing blow. I've only ever read books 1-5 once, so I don't have the best memory, but I think it's interesting to note that tigerstar managed to actually injure him, and lion was scared that if he died here he'd be dead for real, and then lion was surprised to see the wound when he woke up. I'm just wondering if these facts were first introduced here or if I just have tunnel vision towards this book (which is also true)

*'lionblaze always knew there was something wrong between him and ashfur' no shit bitch 😩😩😩😩😩 and then there's lion wondering if cats suspect him as ashfurs killer, something to do about everyone realizing how they never got along. and NOW I'm thinking about lion ending his df dream w tigerstars blood on his paws, and how that might have made the READERS suspect HIM to be the killer (leafpool prolouge chapter contributing to this supicion seeing as lion is also her kit) Only to end as a red herring when Holly is revealed to be the girlie w mascara running down her face (u can't see it clearly but my point stands)

*interesting lines about ashfurs death that I think about regarding what a warrior means for the clan (nonverbatim):

-'Ashfur never mattered this much when he was alive'

-'Ashfur's murder now made the clan determined to make him into a hero.'

*lion is posited to be the brave one of the three, in regards to physical danger and such. I am taking this character trait and cranking it up to a million

*I forgot smoky and floss existed :( IDK if they're still alive in the latest arcs but I hope they're doing ok

*brambleclaw trying 2 be nice to his kids and tell them that they can confide in him bc clearly they're all hung up about something but being denied it is funny and sad to me personally. He didn't talk w Jay, just as leaf didn't talk much w lion in this book, but I think it's given an interesting ending when in the end, its officially revealed even squirrel didn't tell him of the truth, which ends their relationship for the most part. I really do wonder how well he could have taken this if he was in on the secret from the very start.

*outside of that they sure do like to crank up the dramatics and mention bramble / squirrel as their parents any chance they get so that the three can be Emo about it like. 'THEYRE NOT MY MOTHER/FATHER.' 'WHATEVER SKILLS WE HAVE DIDNT COME FROM YOU.' 'WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH? WE'RE NOT EVEN KIN!' last one is abt leafpool which is honestly a lot. I think.

* one of the saddest parts about this book was how lonely they made purdy 😭😭😭 this poor old man. I'm glad they brought him back to the clan. But also I think they just forgot about him bc for someone being so vocal in defending Sol, he was outright just not mentioned when it was revealed Sol 'escaped'

* more lines that I think about regarding clan cats (also nonverbatim)

- Clan cats' instinctive distrust of outsiders

- why do clan cats have to think they always know what's best?

* Sol. He's just there to me ig.

* I liked jingo. I hope she's doing ok even now

*criminal how this book barely has any sibling bonding w the three when that is my blood sweat and tears. Maybes that's why I got so obsessed w the three of them being happy together bc I was STARVED.

* honeyfern 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

* call it the thunderclan bias in me but I was sorta annoyed when the three other clans walked in and told them that they should get rid of Sol or else. But also thunderclans reaction to Sol seemingly having run away is like. Giving back stolen candy to pre schooler vibes. Or something. This makes no sense I'm sorry

*I think it's interesting that Jay and Holly manage to find out who their mother is thru their own way. With the former deducing it on his own (I actually enjoyed the detective esque work he did in doing it) and Holly straight up asking leafpool. So now I propose lion being informed someway or other thru SQUIRRELFLIGHT BC I WANT FOR HER TO TALK W ANY OF THEM AND THAT LION FIINDING OUT THRU HIS SIBS WAS SO BORING OKAY I WANT HIM TO HAVE A SHOCKING REVELATION TOO-

* ahem. Also can I mention Holly confronting leaf abt who their parents were and leaf thinking it was about ashfur is so unbelievably ????? KHADHD, I'm not saying it was bad. but MAN. Talk about awkward huh

* anyways. When they all find out that leaf is their mom and then squirrel and leaf are mentioned to have looked at the three in the same familiar expression they have always had; love. And that line hurt me as much as Holly refusing to acknowledge or listen to it and running away. Lion and Jay werent against listening to what their 'mothers' had to say, but they loved Holly more than to just let her go on her own

* I always blabber about how they should have tried to talk thru their issues but man. They tried multiple times. They tried so hard. I'm not gonna specify who but they tried.

* Holly and lion changing their view of Sol in opposite ways in the two instances they meet w him is interesting but also a bit confusing. The last time we get a pov of lion is when he helped Sol escape so we don't really get a clear idea of his own thoughts anymore w everything after. That's why I can't help but just think abt him I guess

* reading Hollyleaf spiral more and more into her grief and despair sure was something.

* out of the three, jayfeather was actually the calmest in this book. Which is saying something, I think. I'm now taking this and making it my mission to have all the three of them as short tempered grumpy schmucks.

there's a lot more to talk about for me regarding these three, but I think I've used up all the words in my brain. My last thought though, is that after going through All That as an ending, it was really funny to just have this as a preview of the next book.

Also a bonus picture of what this book looks like too, sorry if it hurts u but it's testament to me on how much I adored this thing when I was younger </3

#i speaku #this is a long ass post #runs away

[noriirori]

HEADCANONS FOR TEAM FORTRESS 2

CW: might contain spoilers! Please read with caution and if you haven't read the comics, I recommend you do so that the head canons make sense but you don't have to!

Hi! These are my head canons about our mercs! They are A LOT so be ready hehe. Now, I don't play the game bcuz one, poverty, two, don't have a PC, and three, the mobile version is not available for my phone (I'm sad bcuz of it 😔) , ok LETS GOOOO.

• HeavyMedic

Medic is the "talks a lot" to Heavy's "listens"

• this head canon has always been in my mind ever since I've started watching sfm on YouTube and reading the official comics is that because Medic likes to ramble about basically *anything* from his newest discovery to talking shit about their own teammates and Heavy listens. In one particular discussion that they both had is about Scout, mainly Medic complaining about the Bostonian, and he *accidentally* mentions his his similarity to Spy, ending it with "like father, like son". Which is how Heavy found out about Spy being scouts Father.

•endearment is very common but they WOULD NEVER, EVER, TILL THE DAY THAT THEY DIE use "babe". U feel like they are very class and shit and that really makes them shudder and shiver cuz they think it's for younger couples and they ain't young they in they 50s. What they would use is Darling, sweetheart, my love, and their favorite would be animals that remind them of each other. Medic would call Heavy "bear" and Heavy would call medic his "dove".

Helmet Party (Soldier x Engineer)

Basically their whole dynamic:

Engie "calm but still feral bf " x Soldier "not contained feral bf"

•Soldier is definitely such a softie when it comes to Engineer, like he gives the Texan special treatment and he doesn't even notice but the entire team knows of course. He isn't necessarily soft spoken, just kinda of chill and let's his guard down around engineer (he doesn't to it to anyone else even Demoman). ALSO! Engie is the "calm, reserved still insane, but regardless nice bf" and Soldier is the "loud, bossy, mentally unstable bf".

• Both of them have anger issues but the difference is, Engie can control his anger because he's very patient and understanding ( bless his soul) but Soldier can't. But just because Engie has lots of patience doesn't mean he doesn't get mad, I just know that Engie is the scariest to anger because he just stays silent and glares at everyone unlike soldier who won't hesitate to slash out, destroy things, etc.

•Engie is definitely more confident and more demanding in bed while Soldier is a bit timid. Idk why but I feel like soldier has this tendency to be scared to feel pleasure when it comes to sex and i wanted to link that with religious trauma, internalized homophobia, but despite that he still tries his very best to enjoy sexual intimacy (Engie WOULD NEVER let himself finish before Soldier does because he knows that he fins it hard to finish)

•Engineer's love language are definitely acts of service and Words of Affirmation while Soldier's would be physical touch. Like it wouldn't be unusual for Engie to build something for Soldier and he does it often but Soldier is still very grateful for every gift, and when they sleep together, Engie would just shower him with loving words like "I'm so glad you're mine" , "you're so adorable", "I love you" , etc. And Soldier would always be a blushing, flustered mess everytime. Soldier would be very physical with Engie like holding his hand, hugging him, and kissing him and other none sexual intimacy things. And it really surprised Engie at first because Soldier doesn't let anyone touch him (unless your super close with him like Demoman is). And when they have sex, Soldier really takes his time with Engie, kissing and adoring every part of his body to the point he's just worshipping Engie (not that Engie would complain lol) , and Engie would be really shy about showing his body because of scars and stuff like that and he isn't the most ripped and toned guy on the team so naturally, he'd be embarrassed to show his body but Soldier just constantly reminds him of how beautiful and lovely he is as a person.

•They are more reserved, like low-key and stuff but they don't and will deny their relationship if someone asks. I feel like they do it for the comfort of the other, like the team knows about their relationship but they aren't the type to flaunt it and really show PDA in front of the guys but it doesn't mean they don't share loving glances, hold hands when possible, cuddle on the couch, when the guys are there, just low-key stuff.

•They don't like it when other members of the team call them by their real names. I feel like this would apply to both of them, but Engineer would be more of the type to say that he doesn't mind it but he prefers it not to be used and if you call Soldier by his real name, run because he will gut you alive.

Can you tell I'm obsessed with Helmet Party? So, yeah! These are some but definitely not everything, it's just that I'm tired of typing shit lol (I'm lazy sorry). I'd like to hear your thoughts or own personal head canons about our mercs! Don't hesitate to comment cuz I love that😘

UPDATED HC: 07/18/23

•Pyro crochets. Idk. Like I just see him crocheting a dino or a unicorn for himself or to give to others.

•Heavy is English, literature, poetry, etc. smart while Medic is Mathematics, Science, etc. Smart.

•Medic LOVES being praised so heavy always praises him. From that series of sfm by HoovyTube (idk I could be wrong) about Medic and Spy not getting the recognition that they deserve and I feel like Heavy knows about Medic's craving for recognition so he praises him a LOT. Like "thank you doctor" "you are so smart doktor" etc.

UPDATE: 07/23/23

•Soldier is BEST at combat plans. Like okay, we all know that this man isn't the smartest right? But I can totally see him planning shit for upcoming battles, sometimes they are very absurd, and the other mercs are like worried cuz it might not work but in the end it all works out. Like all the time, which is why they let Soldier give these speeches before battle.

•Heavy is part of the people who taste soap in Cilantro. Like he is a man that'll eat whatever (edible) is given to him but as soon as he sees Cilantro on that stuff? Nah, he ain't eating it.

•Scout has dyslexia. This is more of canon tbh. He can read but he finds it difficult especially if he's reading it out loud.

•Engineer and Pyro have autism. Which is why engie is sometimes the only person who really gets Pyro and vice versa.

•Engineer, Medic, Spy, and Heavy are the Mercs that learned ASL for Pyro. They once found out that the man prefers to sign than try to talk when it comes out incoherent to them anyway.

•scout and sniper both know Morse code. It helped them expressing their love for each other even when the other mercenaries are there when they still kept it low-key. But what they didn't know is that Spy also knows Morse code , so evrytime Scout says "I love you" in Morse code, spy always let's out a disapproving groan or eye roll.

08/01/23

•Medic plays the violin, Engie plays the piano and guitar, what does Scout play? All three. I've got a feeling that bcuz he's the youngest he never got that much attention from his siblings (author is the youngest of five) and because he never got anyone to play with, he hangs out with a lot of people which is how he learned to play these instruments but he mostly plays guitar.

•these three having GOOD voices. Medic and Engie are expected but Scout? Nah, no one guessed. So it's really a surprise to the mercs when they find out he can sing.

•bidwell and miss Pauling are friends because they have one thing in common; overworked.

#tf2 #team fortress two #tf2 scout #tf2 spy #team fortress 2 #team fortress medic #heavy team fortress 2 #fuck i love this game #helmet party #soldier tf2 #heavy x medic tf2 #headcanons #i love them #all of them are gay your honor #fanfic #im so normal #tf2 sniper #fags #I LOVE THEM ALLLLL #hes fuckin hot ok?! #all of them are hot tbh.

[ashthemadwriter-archived]

Hello so Idk if you still do match ups if you do please do this request i will really appreciate it. I wanted to ask for my bsd match up and for basic romantic and if possible nsfw that would make the really happy me😊

Appearance: I have dark brown(close to black) hair with dark brown eyes. I wear glasses and I am 5'6.

Mental issues: I have anxiety or call it trauma or whatever. Throughout my life I have been expected to live up to my parents and relatives expectations that I have forgot how my own personality was its like a facade now. I also have abandonment issues everyone I have ever given my best just used me and left me behind. I also lost my grandfather who was very close to me he die just after I left the house making me feel maybe If I was there i might have seen him for the last time. I also overthink a lot and it depends on the situations most of the times.

Personality: I'm quite the ambrivert I like to talk to people but only talks to the people I know most of the time or just go only to few new people. I an even temper person. I like adventures that will just make you scream fear though my parents rarely let me do them. I'm bisexual but prefer men more. I am bold and can control my emotions according to the situation. I love and absolutely adore murder mysteries and love weapons. I am goofy in nature or that is how friends describe me as. I care about those who are really close to me and I'm loyal to them as well. I love collecting black mail a out people and pranking them. I 'm also said to be a funny and dirty minded tease in my friend group. I'm very confident in what I can do and I remain calm in tough situations while thinking my plans through. My friends have told me that I am quite scary when I get mad which quite rare but they did said if I get mad all hell breaks lose. I'm also artistic. I'm am the chaotic mom in my friend group who does all the chaotic stuff and cares like a overprotective mom who will kill. I like to be alone when I'm sad but I love hanging out with my friends.

Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs

Format: Headcanons

Warnings: Nsfw content cuz you asked for it bae, Spoilers from the novel "Storm Bringer"

Word Count: 1.1K (I'm surprised didn't think it would be this long lmao)

A/n: I read your info and let me tell you, you really are a Dazai kinnie🚶🏻‍♀️

I match you with...

Chuuya Nakahara!

↳SFW

Ok first if all, you're going through a lot of shit lemme just give you a hug🥺💕It'll be ok...

btw you're female right? cuz if you're not then all I wrote for you was just a waste of time🚶🏻‍♀️

SO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING A SOUKOKU SHIPPER

But idk I think Chuuya would be a good match with someone with a personality similar to Dazai's, except for the mocking part cause it makes him insecure.

I think Chuuya used to be very anxious when he was a young, but he got over and learned to control it over time; So he relates to you. He knows what it feels like to constantly feel like something bad is about or happen, and he will try to help you feel better and learn how to control it like him, over time. He would tell you that it's ok and he's been there before, and you shouldn't overthink stuff cause you'll end up making a mess out of your mind. He will literally do anything to distract you from your problems, and would do all he can to help you solve them.

Abandonment issues? Well, Chuuya relates to you with his life. Almost everyone has left him behind, and it hurt him a lot though he always tries to hide it. His friends, Dazai, idk... They all betrayed him and he will never forget that. But Chuuya's loyalty has no boundaries. He will assure you that he'll stay by your side forever, through his words and actions. I don't think that you'll be scared of him leaving you once you spend time with him. He's loyal as fuck, so no worries on that. But please assure him that you're not going to leave him either; that you're different with those who used him and then left him behind like they've never knew each other before. He needs to know that.

If you've read the novel "Storm Bringer", you know that he relates to you about the death of your grandfather (I hope he rests in peace, I'm really sorry for your loss). Chuuya lost all his friends who were in a group with him in the mafia called "Flags" if I'm not mistaken. He didn't get to say goodbye to any of them... :")

You like adventures? So does he! Though you might not "Scream out of fear", because, well, you've got the strongest ability user with you. I see you guys going to multiple murder mystery parties on his day offs, and you'll definitely gonna Enjoy it because you get to see Chuuya's concentrated face which is rare to you cause he's always in a good mood, happy and smiling around you.

Lmao don't black mail Chuuya. He's a mafia executive girl. But I don't think he would know how to respond. I mean nobody dares to black mail him except for Dazai, and with embarrassing things, and also, you're his s/o; how is he supposed to react to this?

Ok when you're sad... Well, it is said that most girls want their man to comfort them even when they tell them to leave them alone, so Chuuya thinks you don't mean it when you ask him to give you some space and since he cares about you a lot, he tries to comfort you and ask you what's the problem, and that's when you snap out and tell him "YOU YOURE THE PROBLEM"

That's when you hurt his feeling and feel bad afterwards🚶🏻‍♀️

↳NSFW

So time for my favorite part-

Ok you have a dirty mind and you're probably into teasing too since you're a Dazai kinnie, so you make A LOT of dirty jokes to get him all flustered. At first his face gets all red and looks away so you don't see how much of a blushy mess you made him, but after a while, he gets used to it and will act out.

so youre like "Hm Chuuya, I wonder how you'd react when I scream your name while cumming on your tongue. Not that you're able to do that, since you're not that experienced"

I'm sorry I suck at dirty talking :')

You expect him to blush and just tell you to stop as always, but you see his lips curl up into a smirk and the next thing you know youre landing on the bed and he's on top of you, staring down at you with a smug look on his face.

"Oh really? Let's find out then"

You're like WHAT WHAT?

Ok so I believe that Chuuya is a virgin and you're probably his first one, but the man knows stuff. don't ask how, but he knows. And he's also a fast learner. He knows which parts will make you moan a little bit louder and where he should kiss and all due to your past sexes; And now that hes familiar with your most sensitive parts, HE'S GONNA MAKE YOU REGRET SAYING THAT.

HE'S GONNA MAKE YOU SQUIRT, AND NOT JUST ONCE

I AM TELLING YOU

I mean, Chuuya's short but we all know where his height went🚶🏻‍♀️

You're in missionary position, he's pounding into you with an unbelievable speed, staring at you with lust in his eyes while whispering dirty stuff in your ears which makes you blush even harder.

"Look at you doll, all shaking and needy for my cock. Where did your brattishness go, huh? You still think I can't make you scream like a cheap whore?"

Ahem, yes, he's into light degradation🚶🏻‍♀️

Gives the best orals. He will try to see how loud he can get you to moan by focusing on your clit, sucking it hard as his fingers thrust into you <3

Anyway when youre having trouble walking the next day,boy hes just so proud of himself.that sly smirk never comes off his face lmao

"So, I'm bad at sex, huh?" "Sh-shut up!"

Has really high stamina. I mean his body is so muscular and the guy is powerful af so-

BTW loves marking you up. Wants other people to know that you're his as he's kinda possessive, and he just likes to see a reminder of the wonderful night you had every time he looks at you.

Lmao idk why but I think you'll have sex on money too if you're into that cuz the man's REACHY REACHY REACH-

Anyway good choice if you wanna date him, because Chuuya is literally the best choice out of bsd men. He's not one to leave you and will treat you like a queen so... You're gonna be with each other till death tears you apart :) or you break up with him but we don't consider that🚶🏻‍♀️

I hope you like this and tysm for participating! btw if you ever wanted to talk about anything I'm hear for you <:

#My last match up post :> #AshTheMadWriter's 300 follower event #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd imagines #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs headcanons #bsd headcanons #chuuya x reader #bsd match up #Chuuya x you #Chuuya x y/n #Nakahara Chuuya x reader #Chuuya Nakahara x reader #Chuuya imagines #Chuuya headcanons #Chuuya hcs #Chuuya fluff #AshTheMadWriter #Chuuya smut #Chuuya Nakahara smut #bsd smut #nakahara chuuya smut

[aisaariel]

Hi Aisa, I hope you have a lovely day.:)

First of all, I want to say that I looove your readings and your energy. I don't really have a question but more like a request for your opinion on my situation if it's possible? You don't have to answer me if you don't want to, it's okay!

For the past (maybe like) 2 years I have always felt this strange strong soul connection. I call it like that because even though I have been very intuitive and drawn to spirituality since I was a child, I'm also trying to be very logical with my own feelings...my main concern is that it isn't soul connection - just obssession. But the thing is...I have felt this kind od emotional pull for the longest time and because of it I feel a strong sense of love which is great but...sometimes, that feeling becomes so strong that I'm scared of it and I don't know if I really want to feel that way. Tbh it's exhausting.

Ever since I have known this one person, it became waaaay stronger and yes, it made me realize a lot about myself, I didn't expect it to have such an effect on me. (Still, I'm not sure if this person is the reason. That is the worst thing about this, I just can't be sure if I'm not just going insane lol.)

I can feel that it is a spiritual thing but on the other hand I don't trust myself and want to call it an obssession. But even though I try to ignore the feeling, that person...it always comes back - someone says his/her name, I see him/her, I see some spiritual stuff I can't explain...it just never leaves me alone.:D

I'm sorry for writing too much, I was just curious if you have some opinion or experience related to this topic? Or any advice? Idk if I made sense, I'm sorry. I just had a feeling I should give it a shot and write you.

Thank you sm. Take care please! <3

thank you for reaching out and sharing~ it always makes me happy that people feel they can trust me with their worries! i think this is a really complicated situation though and there's really no way to downright confirm it.

i kind of mentioned this in another post on a whole other topic, but the best way is to just sit down in a quiet place, turn on meditation music, take deep breaths, calm down, and then ask yourself some honest questions:

why did this person appear to you? what's the purpose?

what do you think this person brought into your life?

when did this person appear in your life?

how did this person change your life and yourself?

try and wait it out. your most deep and honest conscious will probably let you feel intuitively or directly, the answer to these questions. it took me lots of practice, but i was able to discern why i felt a certain way about certain people in my life when they appeared in my life. for example, i had a very close friend whom i thought i would be best friends with for life. however, she and i aren't as close anymore. i didn't know the reason why, but with some time of meditation and thinking, i realized that she had entered my life during a time when i was at my lowest, and she really helped me build my confidence. she had such a carefree and youthful nature, and she was very impulsive and maybe made not-so-great decisions for herself— but that's what i needed during that period of my life. but now that i'm back on my feet and doing well, her presence in my life won't have as much of a positive effect on my life as it did in the past. now, the qualities she had that indirectly helped me build myself back up are actually holding me back in some ways and keeping me on my toes. and as much as i'd love to continue the friendship, there were just too many differences in the way we viewed life. we also had a completely different way of reacting to different situations, had different interests, went different ways related to our careers as well. sometimes, things in life just don't work out the way we want it to, but that's just what it may have been meant to be.

so, to conclude, if you feel that you had been holding on to this person - holding on to hope - then maybe it's time that you slowly start to loosen your grip on this person. they were there for you during a time of your life where you really really needed someone to be there for you... but maybe it's not the same anymore. if you feel that there is really a huge significance to this person's and your relationship, then you don't have to let go. but just know that there really isn't a way to receive confirmation from any other person than yourself - because i think in the end, no matter what someone else might tell you, you're going to be the one who makes the final call on whether this person is significant to you or not.

#aisa🩵anon

[willowser]

willow!! i so love the way you characterise our faves 🥺💗 it’s spot on every time!!! as someone who writes as well, i honestly find it so intimidating to tackle complex characters (for me: bakugo, gojo, ++) & am amazed every time i read your works bc hOW ?????? you write them so well 🥹 forgive me for this q&a but!! are there any characters that you find are a bit intimidating because of their complexity? who? and how do you navigate characterising them 😳

omg tysm !!! 🥺🥺🥺 i really, really appreciate this bc characterization is probably the most important thing to me, when i'm writing !!! 🥺 and so to be complimented over it feels so like I'VE BEEN WITNESSED !!!! ajfhejak you're so kind, thank you truly 🥺🥺🩷✨️

BUT OH MAN i'm so afraid to write for so many because of their depth !!! gojo is a big one !! though i've started kicking him around in my head a bit more, he still intimidates me SO MUCH bc his character and trauma and backstory, how it all manifests into his personality, how that would translate romantically — it's all SO COMPLEX AJFJDKA so 👀 he scares me quite a bit 👀 but others would be like hawks, deku, aki, yuuta, shouto is another BIG one — though i literally just posted something for him LOL — toji, too !

characterization is honestly just so fun for me, like i love anything that's going to test how i specifically view a character, and i love trying to fit them into specific situations and seeing how i would justify their reactions ! i feel like in order for me to feel confident writing for a character, i just have to really understand them, like their goals in their stories, their friendships, how they form bonds, how they are socially compared to how their emotions are portrayed, what struggles they've overcome and how that would shape their personality, their fears and deep desires, etc. it's a lot !! so it's why i can only write a handful of characters at a time ajfheja bc then there's just so much space in my brain being taken by all the little hc's i have LOL

i think reading A LOT for them helps, as well !! and that's usually the first thing i do, because it's like research ! and i read from many different writers so that i'm not getting the same characteristics over and over again, and then once i kind of understand some of the more common themes they're written with, i start making connections between their personality and personal beliefs, fears, wants, etc. their past !

another thing that i actually think helps is like — writing so many au's LOL bc one thing about me, i'm gonna write an au akfhskak but i feel like if you take a character out of their world and stuff them into another, you still have to keep their core personality consistent or else you're just writing for some original character with a known and loved face slapped over it. but things can still be a little bit different, ofc, because THAT au character is going to have a different backstory than the original, so that will shape the personality some.

like for example, werewolf bakugou is a bit rougher and tougher than canon bkg, because he's LITERALLY a werewolf LOL and he's got those animalistic tendencies, plus all that he went through when that change affected his life. there's no all might or edge shot or anything like that, but !! he's got his own issues !!! .....maybe that's why i like au's so much, bc it's just another characterization test LOL

it's 2am. idk if this makes ANY SENSE or is even COHERENT. but thank you for asking i cherish you so so much !!!!

#i love au's bc it's like #lemme take bakugou and turn him into a dragon #how is it still bakugou ?? 🤔🤔🤔 #THAT'S SO FUN I THINK #lemme make dabi a vampire in a post apocalyptic world #how do i keep it still reading as dabi ??? #LOVE AN AU #i hope this made any sense i am so sorry akfhsiakak #✿ ask willow

[student-in-nightraven]

Hello!!! Is it possible your matchups are open? If so, could you match me up with the obey me cast? Or twisted wonderland, since I'm fine with both!

Idrk how to start this off since I'm an awkward person (at first), but I'll try describing my personality..

I'm an esfp(got enfp on different tests) people say I'm a fun person to be with, though I can be quite annoying.. People also say that I'm charming (only when I want to be), and a really nice person! The way I dress is quite the opposite from how I act. I dress in rokku gyaru clothing and Gothic lolita whenever I get the chance, and theyre often stereotyped to be someone mean, and really hardcore, but I'm not! I literally have like 30 plushies hiding in my closet😭😭 though apart from dressing like that, I also dress in himekaji, and sweet lolita clothing!

I'm really, really, REAAALLY energetic. It can be pretty hard to keep up with me. And I talk A LOT, I talk so much I pretty much just talk about EVERYTHING that happened to me.. I always regret it after. I'm chaotic and childish, though I can act calmer and more mature and sophisticated if others want me to.

I'm really great with children, though they can annoy me sometimes.. And I really love cats! I own like 16 cats, don't even ask abt it😭😭

I love learning about new stuff, and listening to others stories! It's always fun to learn something new.

I have hobbies that include: reading, writing, drawing, etc!

I mostly read stuff on the horror genre, and poetry! But I occasionally read romance.

I'm a female who's fine with any pronouns but prefers he/him or they/them pronouns

Here's a little more about me; I give almost everyone a silly nickname, it's usually from something silly/embarrassing they did or smth they remind me of and I tease them with it(if they're uncomfortable with it I stop calling them that immediately). I don't usually play games online,and I much prefer to go outside. I have a habit of typing in caps (im not mad or anything-just really excited to chat) People I'm close with say that they we're scared at me at first since I kinda have a rbf😞 I seem much more confident and bold than I really am, people think I'm brave when in reality; I'm not really that brave. People usually open up to me quick, and tell me that they think I'm kind, and caring! (I love those people with all my heart istg😭)

That's it! You must be tired of reading, and I'm tired of typing😢 thanks 4 reading all of this!!

16 cats?! That's impressive👀, but either way, I match you with..

..

... Lilia!

Lilia loves your clothing style, since his kinda into the gothic outfits too so he loves matching with you, once he found out you have 16 cats he immediately wanted to see them and memorise everyone's name(he actually did memorise them, can't remember his own birthday but he can remember 16 cats names😭)

Lilia loves going in adventures with you, and hearing you talk about your interests, it can be hours but he'll never get tired from hearing your own tales💞

You two are super chaotic and whenever about to cause trouble have that Cheshire cat grin on your faces and anyone who's around to witness that is preparing to survive.

You give him a nickname and he adores it, pouts anytime you don't use a special nickname on him, he obviously uses nicknames for you too! He calls you his little bat or bloop (idk I suck at nicknames 💔)

Lilia tells you his tales that includes horror since he found out you like the genre, also I hc that he's a writer so he shows you some of his poems he wrote, most of them are new which he wrote ab you

He's bubbly around you and you're bubbly around him, one of the most sunshine couple the entire nrc had ever seen!

In short you 2 are the sunshine/chaotic couple!<3

Thank you for the request dear annon! May you have a wonderful week♡

#twisted wonderland #x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #twst #twisted wonderland lilia #lilia vanrouge #lilia x you #lilia x yuu #lilia x reader #matchups #fypage

[desudog-gone]

Grrrbv ;'_';

Just saw a mutual who randomly blocked me (old blogs, i only saw them bc i moved sense then. Not purposfilly block evading) some months ago after we were really close (like, shared stuff personal with and gave free stuff on flight rising type of close) and it just. I can't feel fulfilled about it. Why. Like why did they do that. They didn't even like vague about me so I could tell what it was about. It just feels terrible. Usually I don't really feel this way about when people find it time to go, but it literally happened 100% randomly. Sometimes I consider asking them (of course, very consciously will make it sure I'm okay with any answer) because it really confuses me but I also just think that seems... childish? I don't know. I won't call it ableism but it kinda felt that way, just randomly blocking a very int disabled mutual and then doubling down on being buddy with the person who said I had the skills of a child among other statements that are just nasty over something that was nothing. It's just weird. It makes me feel really sad and sick inside and I just don't get it. I can let other stuff go idk why this one's so hard. Well I do, because I cared about them but was apparently overnight disposable? But it's happened before.

Idk. Hard to fight my fear of abandonment and issues trusting others when everyone I confide in either lashes out at me or wordlessly blocks me on every platform and every blog I've ever owned. I have a really hard time talking to people and trusting them these days. I kinda only talk in depth to ppl anymore 1 on 1 like on discord if I'm convinced I'm not the "weirder" one of us.. even mutuals I had and didn't block me just kinda faded away from me lately and it's just very uncomfortable and sad. Idk.

I really try not to feel like this or think like it but it keeps happening and i feel unsafe and upset. It makes me feel really sad. I just feel confused and sad. It makes me scared after I get vulnerable to others. I feel like I get retraumatized every few months. And I'm just too stupid to be allowed to be okay. I "have the conversational skills of a 5 year old." Its okay to not tell me why or when you leave, right? Insulting me for daring to sleep is okay because I'm too dumb to understand words right? Idk. I won't call it ableism. But I feel unsteady.

I really appreciate the freidns I have. The only problem always have. But I feel like I've been taught that no matter what I'm not worth appreciated. I just existed to make my mutuals laugh or to listen to their vents (but not mine) or to engage in their special interest (NEVER mine.) And when they get another friend I'm worthless idiot who can be thrown away. I don't belive that but it feels like people mean that...

I just wish I knew. I always wish I knew, I'm happier when people are meaner to me because I can process mean and angry to me. I can process that I know what it means and I can get over it but the quiet unannounced disappearance is bad and so scary and I think its worse because my disability. I'm sorry I can't tell. I can't tell when you started to hate me. But I'm never sorry that I was kind.

So many times I am worried now because I opened up. I regret it every time now. It's so scary. I regret ever opening my heart to people in dms about my joys or things that upset me it's so so scary when they hate me.

Sometimes it feels like everyone hates me. It's not true but I feel bad inside about people a lot.

I try not to look scared and I try to be brave for myself. Whenever it happens I get scared. Because I let people inside and it means they can hurt me once they decide I'm no longer valuable or human enough to be kind to.

And it like... everyone does.. ! It's not "I wont" it's "not for now".

I know they're talking about me. I know they want to hurt me if they haven't already.

I feel like talking is wading through MUD.

I want to love people stronger. I want to love people happy and confident.

Sometimes I forget not many people want this for me

[trans-advice]

(sorry this is so long) i’m not sure where to go from here. i’m 25 years old. i’ve been trying to figure out my gender identity for several years now. this all started when i tried binding on a whim (i’m afab) and felt so euphoric, idk how to even describe it in words. from 2017-early 2020 i thought for sure that i was a trans man. i was out online with a different name & he/him pronouns, i wore a binder everyday, i dressed in a masculine way, etc. eventually, i was even able to express the feminine parts of my personality without feeling invalid. there were stretches of time, especially early on, when i’d back out mentally & re-enter the closet & try to live as a woman. but eventually it settled, and for the entirety of 2019 i was fully determined to transition medically & come out to everyone once i was able to move out of my mormon parents’ house. but then i suffered through a sudden major personal tragedy in late 2019, followed by the pandemic in 2020, and basically i dropped the entire trans dream between those two events, in probably like february 2020. i developed agoraphobia as well. on top of all of that, i’m autistic, so all this change has been really hard on my brain. since then, i’ve been on this rollercoaster where for a few weeks i’ll try to live happily as a woman, then cave and live as a man, and so on and so forth. it’s driving me nuts. i finally confided in my therapist about my gender stuff, because it’s really affecting my agoraphobia recovery progress, and she officially diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. she firmly believes i need to accept myself, whoever that is, but i don’t know how. there are real moments when i’m ok being a woman. it can be fun to shop for pretty clothes (though they’re usually stuffed to the back of my closet immediately) & have girl talk with my younger sisters. and it’s hard to imagine myself as an old man. but it’s also hard to imagine myself as a mom rather than a dad. i don’t know. maybe i’m so scared my religious conservative family will abandon me if i transition? and maybe the loss i experienced a couple years ago was so awful i’m scared for it to happen again? or what if i’m not trans but just some sort of androgynous woman with internalized misogyny. help?

I'm not sure about how agoraphobia works. Readers if you have any feedback on agoraphobia please share it!

Yeah, I think it's more like you need a better support network that will accept you if you transition into being a man. Like I think you need to have some preparation for abandonment by your religious conservative family.

Even worse, I would be worried about them giving conversion torture under the labels of "conversion therapy" & "religious apologetics". So in case you're facing that, I'd seek out some pro-lgbtqia+ religious apologetics, not necessarily to deprogram them, but to help fight the gaslighting that comes with anti-lgbtqia+.

You already said that you were very okay with being an androgynous man, so I don't think it's a matter of you somehow being an androgynous woman with self-hatred.

Since we live in a patriarchal misogynist/transmisogynist/transandrophobic society, I would look into trans-affirming feminist information so that you can get a better grip on what misogyny is when people try to gas light you like that.)

As for the enjoying the girl talk, are you sure that's not just enjoying talking with others? Also defining "girliness" can vary from group to group, so I would make sure to look into how that's being defined.

Have you applied for health insurance like Medicaid or Obamacare (affordable care act)? Because you're getting to age 26, so you're going to need your own insurance most likely. Like that would help with preparing to be either abandoned or more independent of your parents.

I'm not sure how much of my transition strategies will apply to your situation & what's available by you. I know in my transition before the pandemic, I basically relied on getting my things organized with a therapist at a therapy office in person because I was not safe from domestic violence when I would talk about my gender issues on the phone. Like I would have to go outside & walk around & find free of charge spaces in order to avoid the people I lived with as much as possible. I had to get a public transit pass in order to get to places without having to be at the mercy of people to drive me.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[seeminglyseph]

I'm like... slowly watching a Chainsaw Man reaction and getting stoned to deal with a liiitttle PTSD episode I had earlier... and realizing that like.

as a person. who is very touch starved and lonely in my own way. while Denji has like "I wanna touch a boob" which is like funny etc etc... if he was not an animated character whose age was easy to forget, because his everyman protagonist placement makes me accidentally age him up to be closer in age to me... anime is bad for me just fuckin' forgetting that people are high school students. I just mentally adjust people to be 'neutral age' instead of their actual age. Especially if they happen to work in an adult industry surrounded by other adults.

I fully like. though. can understand like. 'man... sometimes I'm curious what that kind of sexual interaction is like. I have kinda given up on being seen as sexually appealing... but I kinda crave that intimacy.' and like. a lot of really toxic relationships have been built on that foundation. and exploring it with Denji is really interesting because like. Denji and Makima are.. a relationship dynamic I've seen played out with the Teacher and Student in a lot of series that aren't supernatural adventure shows. "I've given up on being considered attractive but I crave something" and "I know I can manipulate you and can get what I want from you without you realizing it because you have no experience and no confidence" and it's really fascinating. And all of us knew it was bad from the moment it started, but it was like 'yeah but it's like... something. and that's kinda good enough.'

And like. I ain't gonna shame the folks barking, I got my fair share of nasty abusive freaks I would bark at too. My Toxic Fictional Man list is Too Fucking Long. I'm just like. Too Gay for Makima. that's the only reason I'm not right there with you. Also I have like... too many abusive toxic women in my real life, fictional toxic women just don't do it for me. but like genuinely, I get it. I understand. Good for you, I hope you enjoy the good rep for genuinely horrifying Toxic Fictional Mistresses Who Might Walk You On A Leash If You're Good. like I get that want for fictional characters who make you both scared and horny for the subs out there. it's hard to get a good Evil Dominant who isn't just Tsundere or Yandere. The Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss is immaculate and like, congratulations on your full sexual awakening.

But practice safe kink IRL. to bring it maybe back around I guess. it's important to know like. when you can tolerate and survive being alone better than being with someone toxic, and that like. it's one thing to do a sexy roleplay of that stuff, but like there has to be a place where is stops 'cause it can wear down your self worth. Practice safe boundaries in kink. it's important even it maybe it's kinda boring. But it can mean you can do more exciting stuff. You *can* be someone's dog, if you also know you are important and valuable and a person with the right to say no in situations that you don't like. Live your fucking best life with communication, boundaries and safe kink. idk.

#seph watches chainsaw man #look. you can be someone's dog if you want to #it's just important to do kink properly #i don't know why I feel like this is the conversation that feels like is happening #but like.. the answer isn't 'be ashamed of how you feel about makima' #but instead 'practice pet play responsibly' #I feel like a lot of people just want to be subs and pets and that's hardly abnormal... #they just are getting a little bit 50 shades about it and like... go to the right avenue to learn about it #it's okay and normal you don't have to go full puppy mask #so many people just wear collars that people got cancelled about it a while ago #there are whole shops for collars at sex shows #it's so fucking normal you will find a nice leash holder one day I swear

[fae-iii]

It's New Year's eve! I made a post last year (on Cohost) that I think I deleted cuz I was kinda spiraling pretty hard, but I thought I was doing "really well" at the time, lol. Deleted quite a while ago cuz it embarrassed me and I don't want a ton of personal stuff on my main account. Anyway, here's a ton of personal stuff!

In a lot of ways I've gotten better this year! I've done less crazy things that I don't wanna talk about and I've done more crazy things that I do wanna talk about! Uh, but first:

My physical health is kinda worse right now than it was this time last year. From a low of ~260lbs, I'm up ~40 this year. Upset about that, but from my absolute high of ~400+, it's not too bad and I think my original method was kinda all over the place for various mental reasons and I've very recently gotten back on the saddle. So I'm not gonna reach my desired weight this year; that's insane, but I am gonna be more active and try to make better food decisions. Try and prioritize physical and mental health, seems like a novel idea.

Oh, mental health… I wanted to get a therapist this past year. With work going into crunch time, I don't think I'm gonna have the time to commit until mid-April rolls around again. It's trending better though! I've felt less scared and less alone for the past few months than I have in a long while and I've let go of some delusional thoughts. Regardless of the therapist situation, my mental heath has improved, and I'm really happy about that!

Speaking of improvement: pixel art! Felt very inspired and jealous seeing other's stuff, from small pieces of art to more ambitious projects come to fruition and feeling very unfulfilled with my own place in life, I finally started doing pixel art, which is something I've always had romantic thoughts of, but the low-confidence thought of "I'm not a good artist and I'm too old to start at the age of (13~23) and there's lots of people who're better than me so why even try" and my penchant for kinda abandoning things at early stages had held me back.

I think the being able to stick to a diet and exercise of the prior year helped discipline me, even if it was a little intense and that kinda stemmed from another delusional thought, so I had the fear that this was all being built on a weak foundation. I've gotten good enough at it that I don't have this fear anymore! Well… only a little.

I'm pretty conservative on my goals for it right now. I eventually wanna make some kind of big creative endeavor, not gonna be this year. I've had an idea for a much smaller scale, less elaborate pilot project. After "Weasel Wednesday"s denouement, I might- I will play with smaller sprites and read into GB Studio and see what I can come up with. I'm thinking something Zelda-like. Like a singe, medium-large dungeon, maybe? I could probably design something passable. Idk if anything will materialize this year of it, but I'll at least experiment.

It'd be cool to maybe contribute to or work on a project with other people eventually. I don't really expect that in the upcoming year, but maybe further in the future. I've got some lofty dreams, but I'm also a believer in not taking on bigger workloads than I can handle alone (mixed results).

I think that generally covers my resolutions. Probably a lot of goals under that "mental health" banner that I neglect to mention. Happy New Year™!! !!!!!! ! !! !!!!!

#new years resolution #happy new year!