#if i let it

[comfreyhollywings]

it's kind of like scrolling back into the beginning where you've first formed a post.  it's a little bit like, say, tumblr. you've been scrolling through tumblr the past few days—quotev too to see what your past self has said to you. to see what she has written. there were so many gold mines, so many things that's been written down on a website that'll may be lost media some day. it hasn't gone past you to archive it to a certain point, but you know that it takes on work. work that you don't quite have the energy for today. 

mentally, i am scattered. i'm not in a space where i can read lines in order. the words have become scattered, ink blurred. it's like when you stare at a book or a screen for too long, it begins to deteriorate you. it's been deteriorating my voice. i can literally feel my voice regressing even to this day. it sucks, because when i've been looking for work, this was not what i had in mind. i thought it'd help me in my communication skills. to an extent, it has—but not in the way in which i pictured it. 

i never thought three hours every day mon-fri would tire me out. i never thought that i'd have the bare minimum of interaction with my coworkers while i'm stuck; isolated away from everyone but my client. i never thought i'd have to focus on the external world so much about gaining my financial independence while simultaneously helping mom pay the bills. i never thought i'd fret about my experience with my boyfriend keeping in mind the age gap we have. my friends keep DMing me on instagram. i still livestream a lot through an organized process. my dad was in the hospital but he recovered... so that's good.

in hindsight, my mental spoons aren't the greatest. it doesn't seem like it's been pushing me up. or maybe, in a weird sense, it is? maybe i need to just.. grow through it? and get used to this? i'm not sure yet. i'm still discovering things out. 

regardless of what's happened, i'm writing. i keep finding my fingers scattered all over the keyboard, just waiting and typing and staring at all the words. the grammar in this isn't the best. i'm still not quite mentally up to date yet. things keep changing and there's little stuff like social media that keeps flitting from day to day. no permanence. 

i'm not used to this. i'm used to taking things slow one step at a time. 

i received a reading before this—in which i was supposed to find a career that stokes my inner flame, not dampen it. i'm supposed to get something that'll stray away from the expectations put on me; to find something i like. that it's okay to strive away from people's expectations. i'm told to give myself grace for the things that's been happening. to slow down, nurture, take care of myself. 

so i've been trying, you know. i've been trying really hard. obviously i know, that in order to find things that you don't like, you have to start experiencing life first. naturally, it's a hard process. to go out there and actually gain it. i'm not a huge executor in the first place, but i know it's needed.

but again, it's like a bad internet novel. almost too good to be true. almost. where everyone started to remember that they could be happy, including me. even with the amount of work and the directionless thoughts i have; they're all just potential to start up something new again. i can find things that make me happy from the inside out. i can just.. accept and align with it.  

everything that had helped me survive in the past was reptilian skin. this is shed in light of a new circumstances; a new reality.

this side of mines that held such sharp, defensive tension. sneaky and eyeing from the shadows. always willing to be in the background because that was the only thing i knew. treading around mistakes carefully, banging my head against walls after seeing one slight imperfection. i feel restless, crawling out of my skin sometimes because i constantly feel like i'm not where i'm supposed to be. like i feel bad just for existing even though i've never interacted, not even once. 

but maybe this. this, the fear and confusion, is the thing that can be wrong.

things can be easy. if i let it.  

#bee speaks #spilled ink #inkskinned #writeblr #exhaustion is a bitch #but things can be easy if i plan things out #including time for myself #if i let it

[princeshilo]

sometimes im like "wow holy shit im being really fucking annoying. i should stop talking" and then i pull out my magic 8 ball and it says "youve always been annoying and your friends chose to talk you anyways. youll be fine" and im like wow thanks magic 8 ball. and then the ogre attacks me

#found this beautiful gem in my drafts and couldnt let her go to waste #frog rambles #idk whay this is about. or if its anything. but i think its funny

[mewvore]

#I will not let elon take this tweet down with his decaying ship

[suiheisen]

i watch baseball for the side quests (ps: this baseball player also makes fruit cocktails midgame)

#please… when he started decorating it with sunflower seeds #when the commentators were like: he actually tried to pour water in the moat #;_______; i love #baseball can not be a real sport #my fave moment is still mantis-chan perched on victor robles’ cap. the tandem we deserve #but this. this come close #the nhl should let opposing players in the penalty box build a snowman together #lourdes gurriel jr #arizona diamondbacks #baseball #mlb

[cloud-ya]

outcast of the village

#werewolf #folklore #slavic #poland #folk clothing #folk costume #wolf #me when The Peasants (2023) i hate that movie #nothing against it I actually love how it's made along with the soundtrack and references to polish paintings #but having watched it in cinema it triggered so many traumas that i wanted to immediately leave the screening room #kto się wychował na polskiej wsi ten się w cyrku nie śmieje #art #pl #polblr #how much more tags can i fit to get people to notice this? let's see!

[epoxyconfetti]

#geology #scotland #i haven't worked in geology in 30 years #but it's still dangerous to let me drive when the geology is interesting #@ayeforscotland #but i am still a cartographer #and this is a way cool map

[lazylittledragon]

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

#ramble #if you say unalive in front of me i will personally kill you with my hands #you just can't muffle and censor and hold someone's hand through some things #some things are horrible. and they should be spoken aloud and they should upset you. because they are horrible #the second we started kidzbopifying the world was the end of taking anything seriously i think #i'm not even joking i've spoken to people older than me who won't even say the world sex #this isn't the playground you're not going to get in trouble just let us say the word!!!!!! #how am i supposed to listen to you when you won't even say the thing you're supposed to be talking about #yes this is the fault of the platforms with their censorship rules but the fact that we all just go along with it like it's not dystopian #you do know it doesn't stop with cursing right. people are already having to censor queer terms because they get flagged as inappropriate

[dendrochronologies]

maya angelou saying the funniest thing anyone has ever said about editing, which i can never let myself forget EVER AGAIN [x]

#OK. YOU'RE RIGHT. SO WHAT? DON'T EVER MENTION THIS TO ME AGAIN. IF YOU DO I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN. #i used to think about this interview all the tiiiiime i can't believe i let myself lose track of it!!!!!!! #maya angelou #FAVE #editing #*r #god i've read this a thousand times and i still laugh every time it's so GOOD #'OK. YOU'RE RIGHT. SO WHAT. DON'T EVER MENTION THIS TO ME AGAIN' #notifications are off for this besties 💗 #i will eventually turn reblogs back on but 20k notes overnight was a little too much pls slow down ✋️ #also pls do not follow me unless you are desperately in love with me. i can't make silly little personal posts with so many of you here!!!!

[hjartasalt]

Asked for a doctor's note to show to the airport staff if necessary for an upcoming flight where I need to bring my T with me and they were like "yeah sure no problem" and then sent me a note that makes it sound like I will literally die if I go one day without my testosterone LMAO

#I mean hey at least they'll definitely let me through with it 😭

[liquidstar]

If my mom sees a significant amount of blood she gets lightheaded, and has fainted on some occasions. Once it happened when we were kids, I wasn't there to witness it but I heard the story from my dad. Basically my brothers, around 7 or 8 at the time, were playing outside while my mom was making their lunch, and she accidentally cut her finger. It wasn't anything serious, but it drew a fair bit of blood and she passed out. My dad saw this and rushed over, but he didn't really know what to do so he just sort of started slapping her to wake her up (not recommended, but he had no idea and panicked)

At that exact moment my brothers both came in from playing, and all they saw was our mom unconscious on the floor and our dad slapping her. So, like, without even saying a word to each other they both just INSTANTLY start whaling on him, like, full blown attack mode to defend our mom. Which obviously didn't help the situation, but she did wake up and everything was fine.

Now our dad says that he's actually really glad they attacked him over what they thought was going on, because it means he raised good boys. And I still think that's true, they're very good boys.

#i think about this story sometimes like yeah I'm proud of them for that too actually. good job baby brothers #they're not babies anymore of course they're turning 20 next year which is crazy #but they're still the type of people who'd do something if they saw something of this sort happen for sure #respectful of women and everyone else too. they're good guys #I'm glad I ended up with them living in my house against my will for like 14 years #anyway i have no idea where i was for all this but my best guess is probably a friends house given the time period #i was always at my besties house lol #i hope she's doing well too actually. haven't spoken in forever... #bestie from greek elementary school... if you're out there... let's get muffins and fanta at the bakery across the street again someday 💜☮️

[linktoo-doodles]

resurrection is sort of romantic, isnt it

#farcille #falin touden #farlyn thorden #marcille donato #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dungeon meshi spoilers #my art #Linktoo art #lets get that yuri on the road. who has a good analysis of these two. they have a lot of symbolism but I want to see like #someone get into the feelings they have for each other about how they see each other romantically. if that makes sense #tw blood

[mylittleredgirl]

my new thing whenever an embarrassing memory jumps up out of some backwater neuron to t-bone my present-day thought process is to declare a statute of limitations. like i can burn down an entire building in the state where i live and the law deems it both unfair and illegal to prosecute me after six years have passed, i think that thing i said in high school can be expunged from my record.

#ohhhhh so twelve years ago i was really rude to someone at the mall and now i'm worthless forever? let's see it hold up in court #containment breach

[captainsaltypear]

IS ANYONE ELSE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS OR

#hazbin hotel #huskerdust #hazbin husker #hazbin angel dust #hazbin angeldust #angeldust #husker #hazbin husk #look man im all for overlord husk but EXCUSE ME???????? #WHERE DID THIS COME FROM #I LITERALLY YELLED W H A T AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN WHEN HE SAID THIS #I KNEW HUSK WAS STRONGER THAN HE LET ON BUT AN OVERLORD??????? #GURL?????????? #DAMN SON #THIS new piece of information caught me so offguard that i was still reeling from it even after the emotional bomb that was loser baby #anyways huskerdust truthers how are we feeling #HOW DOES VICTORY FEEL #NO LONGER CRACKSHIP BROTHERS #WE'RE REAL #AND IM FEELING SO GOOD ABOUT IT #anwyways im doing very emotionally good how are you guys #im...gonna put a hiatus my own personal webcomic to cry over this for the next 6 months #girls help #keith david...........im so sorry i ever doubted you he ATE THAT UPPPP #hazbin hotel spoilers #pear post #scheeze art

[leiandroid]

"free palestine," he shouted until his last breath. aaron bushnell, we will never forget you.

as much as bushnell's actions has moved us all, please seek other ways to take actionable measures against the injustices we face in the world. none of us wanted him gone, and the least we can do is prevent another such tragedy by supporting each other in our efforts to enact lasting change.

#aaron bushnell #the boy with his heart on fire #this is in no way intended to glorify his actions #i do not condone self immolation as an act of protest but i cannot deny that it is something that causes an impact #and it has struck a chord within us all #we must not let his death be in vain #free palestine #my art #original

[greykolla-art]

My blog has become infested with angst goblins, and they must be fed with some hypothetical scenarios!🙏💚

#grey art #fan art #hazbin hotel fanart #hazbin hotel #Hazbin hotel comic #JESUS WEPT THIS FUCKING THING WAS A BEAST #BUT I LOVE IT! #hazbin charlie #hazbin alastor #Alastor #charlie morningstar #angst #hurt/comfort #whump art #I know what you people are I’m one of you! #I heard your cries for more angst and I aim to please! #also good excuse to use clip studio more #I only bust that out for something special #now let’s do something else! like eat!

[hundredsofsmallbirds]

attention joann's shoppers. there is a freak in the yarn aisle buildinf a nest

#weird horse.exe #okay to reblog #theres so many nice cool optionssss cant i just burrow. please let me burrow #big notes