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#if i stay i can change. if i stay i can make it worth it. i can apologize and fix this. and make us both okay.
emjayewrites · 15 hours
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Fuck A Title (Lewis Hamilton x Black!Fem Reader) (1/5)
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SYNOPSIS: Lewis and his former FWB try to navigate the murky waters of being official.
PAIRINGS: Lewis Hamilton x black!fem reader
WARNINGS: cursing, sexual content, angst, racing vroom vroom stuff. RATED R (minors DNI/18+)
SONG REFERENCE: "Title" by Kiana Lede
TAGLIST: @queenshikongo3 @cocobutterqwueen @mauvecherie-writes @a-moment-captured @yeea-nah @melodichaeuxx-lacritquexx @lewisroscoelove @hxneyclouds @questionable-behaviour @lovebittenbyevans @tian-monique @alika-4466 @saintslewis @cherry2stems @planetmimi @woderfulkawaii @d3kstar @liamundi @trinitoldyouso @scorpiobleue @omgsuperstarg @certifiedlesbianbaddie @serpenttines-library @peyiswriting @motheroffae @hrlzy @sinflowersugar @hopefulromantic1 @vile-harlot @xoscar03 @blveeeeee @everywherea11thetime @blckgrl-sunflower @whoreforjjk @blowmymbackout
A/N: Not back fr, but had this in my drafts for a minute, so..... [Please comment & reblog]
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You sucked in a sharp breath as Lewis pulled you flush against his rock-hard body, his intoxicating male musk enveloping her. "Damn, Lew..." you husked out as his full lips trailed searing kisses along your neck.
Lewis rumbled a low chuckle against you skin, the gravelly timbre shooting tingles along her spine. "You know you want to stay." His mouth found hers, kissing her with a slow, hungry intensity.
"I can’t," you mutter as you arched shamelessly against the solid wall of muscle, whimpering into the heated kiss. These intimate nights used to be your steamy little secret - just two badass workaholics blowing off steam as commitment-free FWBs whenever you craved each other's bodies.
"I'll have your breakfast waiting in the morning, baby girl," Lewis purred in that panty-melting accent, charming and rugged all at once. "Let me take care of you like you deserve."
Your thoughts went to last season; it was stress-free, almost reminiscent of an endless vacation with you being flown out to see Lewis at some of his races — Monaco, Japan, Las Vegas, and Abu Dhabi, to name a few. There was also that two-week getaway to Turkey during summer break with his close guy friends.
But nothing could ever prepare you for how quickly things changed between you and Lewis. Just a few weeks ago, he wanted to make things official.
You blame that Brazilian girl. Jackie, Josie, Julia-something-or-the-other. Lewis's other sidepiece. The one who didn't know how to be discreet.
She's been kicking it with Lewis and his inner circle since 2019, and their off-and-on cycle can put anyone's head in a tailspin.
But, it wasn't your problem to deal with.
As messed up and unusual as it may sound, you knew what you had with Lewis. The conversations were always on par, the sex was bomb, and his friends were nice.
It wasn't until JuJu leaked his whereabouts to a tabloid journalist during his winter getaway to Brazil that Lewis finally put the nail in the coffin for whatever situation they had, and in return, it was you whom he had invited to join him in Paris, testing in Bahrain, and even a race in Saudi Arabia. It was you who he eventually grew close with, closer than what you envisioned, causing him to have an epiphany or midlife crisis moment, but he wanted you for some reason.
You and only you.
Against your shot-caller instincts, you had agreed to try monogamy with your long-time friends-with-benefits partner, yet could you really live up to the ride-or-die girlfriend role?
In the racing world, Lewis was F1 royalty - the kind of megastar talent that sparked a panty parade from groupies with each arrival. At thirty-nine years old, the British race monster had already stacked up multiple championship wins, the insane looks of a cologne model, and a net worth balling enough to buy a private island.
Cradled against his frame, you almost forgot your doubts about your newly-minted relationship status.
Almost.
Lewis was a whole meal with his tattooed body: wide shoulders, chiseled chest and biceps, and a tempting vee that disappeared beneath his form-fitting Tommy Hilfiger briefs. It almost felt criminal for one man to be so incredibly attractive.
"You're doing it again," that baritone washed over you as Lewis smirked knowingly. "Getting thirsty for me. This is why you need to stay." He flexed his pecs in a ludicrous muscle-man pose, making you throw back your head and laugh.
"Bye, Lewis," you shot back, eyes sparkling with mirth as you ran an admiring hand along his sculpted torso. "My mind was on work."
The lie was smooth, but he knew better.
"You think about work more than I do," Lewis chuckled richly, catching your roaming hand to tug you close once more. His skin glowed temptingly in the dim light, and you felt your resistance swiftly melting as his lips crashed into yours again. He tasted like your ultimate indulgence. But soon, much too soon, Lewis drew back with obvious reluctance. "Best not keep tempting me, baby girl. Let me walk you to your car like a good boyfriend."
And there it was - that word reminding you of your new reality. Boyfriend.
Swallowing hard, you began gathering your scattered clothes. "I should really go," she said, aiming for a breezy tone that fell flat even to your own ears. "But raincheck on the morning cuddles and all that, yeah? I've got an early call time."
Lewis watched you with that panty-dropping stare, shaking his head in fond exasperation. "Will you call me when you get to work at least?"
"Of course," you replied, sliding into your dress and avoiding his intense gaze. "I'll see you later," you said with a forced smile before turning and making your way out of the bedroom.
Like a dog to a bone, Lewis followed closely behind in nothing but his briefs and that all-too-obvious aroused bulge that he proudly sported. Bending over to put on your heels, you flinched slightly at the unexpected touch from behind.
His hands flattened against your spine, trailing downwards until it reached your hips before settling on your ass.
With a sharp intake of breath, you turned around to face him, eyes wide with shock and arousal as his fingers squeezed the plump flesh of your backside. "You can’t just grab me like that," you protested weakly, even as your body leaned into his touch.
A devilish grin crossed Lewis’ face. "But you like it," he murmured huskily, gazing down at you with hooded eyes. "You sure I can't convince you to stay?"
"Nope."
Lewis pouted playfully, his hands still lingering on your hips as he leaned in for one last kiss. "Fine," he sighed dramatically, before pressing his lips to your forehead and releasing you with a parting slap on your ass. "I'll see you later, then."
You grinned up at him as you straightened your dress and made your way towards the front door. "Bye, Lewis," you called over your shoulder.
As soon as you stepped outside into the cool London air, reality hit hard. Your mind was a cyclone of emotions.
Why were you still craving the easy detachment of your previous arrangement? Surely you were just going through an adjustment period of cold feet. A big part of you felt skittish about going from independent and free to somebody's boo'd up ball-and-chain, especially with someone who equally enjoyed working as you did. Though you weren’t on Lewis' level of fame, you still had clout as a fashion stylist and worked with prominent magazines, such as Vogue and Vanity Fair. You faced plenty of trials and trepidations in your life, yet navigating this new realm of commitment would be your ultimate challenge.
The drive to your hotel was quiet, with your mind filled with thoughts of Lewis and the budding relationship between the two of you. Shaking off those thoughts for now, you focused on reaching the hotel safely and getting some rest before another long day on set tomorrow.
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The next morning came far too soon for your liking. Despite having only slept for a few hours due to work calls and texts from Lewis throughout the night (something he did often but never seemed to tire), you dragged yourself out of bed when your alarm blared loudly.
After a quick shower and a strong cup of coffee, you were dressed and ready to head to the set for another long day of styling. As you arrived at the location, you were greeted by familiar faces - the models, photographers, and other crew members whom you had worked with countless times before in the last couple of months. You were currently on a six-month contract for Schön! and even though there was some shoots that required long work days, you appreciated the flexibility of the work.
Everyone was scurrying around, setting up equipment and making last minute adjustments before the shoot began. You made your way over to the fashion rack where designer clothing was carefully organized and ready to be styled on the models.
"Morning, Y/N!" A voice called out from across the room.
You turned to see one of your bosses, Tara, walking towards you with a smile on her face.
"Hey, Tara," you replied. "How's it going?"
"It's going good," she said, glancing around at the busy set. "Looks like another long day ahead of us."
You both chuckled, knowing that long days were just part of the job.
"So, what are we working with today?" Tara asked curiously as she looked over at the fashion rack.
"A mix of high-end brands and some vintage pieces," you replied, pulling out a beautiful Dior dress from its garment bag. "I'm excited to see how this looks on one of our models."
Tara nodded in agreement before getting pulled away by one of the photographers who needed her assistance. You went back to organizing and styling the clothes for each look on your mood board.
As the day went on, you couldn't help but feel a little distracted by the constant buzzing of your phone. Every few minutes, another text from Lewis would come through, each one more persistent than the last.
"Come with me to Australia," one read. "I'll book your flights."
"Wasn't it your fantasy to be bent over the railing of a hotel overlooking Hobsons Bay?" another said.
You sighed as you set your phone down on the table next to you, trying to focus on the task at hand. The shoot was going smoothly but with every text from Lewis, it became harder and harder to concentrate.
One thing was for sure: this nigga was extremely persistent.
You couldn't deny that a trip to Australia sounded tempting - it had been on your bucket list for years now. But at the same time, it wasn't practical for you to just drop everything and go away for an undetermined amount of time.
Or could you? an intrusive thought bubbled in your head. The ho' side of yourself was speaking, coming out from the depths of her hoeness cave. It often appeared whenever Lewis was involved, and let's be honest, it was probably the reason why you found yourself in this weird ass situation in the first place.
Think about that tongue of his, girl! ‘Member how he had you walking funny for three days straight after finishing in eighth place?!
You couldn't forget it, as it would always be ingrained in the fiber of your very being. You enjoyed seeing Lewis angry, especially when there was a mistake during race weekend. Not that you blamed him for losing, as the car wasn't up to par, but he had a unique way of channeling his anger through sexual pleasure.
A familiar shiver ran down your spine as you hit send on a three-letter response to him.
Well, there goes the idea of keeping my distance and any modicum of self-respect.
Bitch, you know you can't resist that dick, quipped your inner ho.
And as usual, she was correct.
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The hotel didn't have a direct view of Hobsons Bay, but the Yarra River and Botanical Gardens could still be seen from the balcony. It was nighttime, and as Lewis moved in a steady rhythm, your vision may not have been top-notch, but the sparkling city lights served as a focal point amidst the familiar feeling building up in your pelvic region, signaling an imminent orgasm.
You couldn't help but moan loudly as Lewis hit that spot inside of you that always made you lose control. He had you bent over the railing, one hand gripping your hip while the other played with your aching nodule. Each thrust sent bolts of pleasure shooting through your body.
"Fuck," he grunted in your ear. "You feel so good."
You couldn't respond, too lost in the overwhelming pleasure coursing through you. As his pace quickened, your moans grew louder and more desperate. The height from the penthouse's balcony was both terrifying and exhilarating, deafening in its intensity. It was a common choice for him whenever he visited Australia, as if being that high up meant less chance of encountering any spiders.
Just as you were about to reach your climax, Lewis stopped to bend down to bury his face in your core, working that sinful mouth of his. Your legs began to tremble as two of his fingers pushed inside you, matching the movements of his tongue.
He had always been a master at eating pussy, and it didn't take long for you to reach your climax. You cried out his name as waves of ecstasy washed over you, leaving you breathless and satisfied. Lewis stood up, a smug grin on his face as he saw the effect he had on you. He turned you around to kiss you deeply, tasting your own essence on his lips.
"You're still the best I've ever had," he whispered against your lips.
After catching your breath, you put a smirk on your face. "That's because I am the best," you teased.
"You’re right 'bout that," he concurred, leading you to the patio couch.
He sat next to you, his hands running up your sides and causing goosebumps to rise on your skin. You leaned into his touch, enjoying the sensation of his hands on your body.
"You always know how to make me feel good," you murmured.
"I aim to please," he replied with a wicked grin, before leaning in to kiss you again.
Without breaking the kiss, Lewis maneuvered you so you were now straddling his lap. His lips moved down your neck, causing shivers to run down your spine. Your hands roamed his muscular back, feeling every ridge and dip of his body.
His hands traveled to your hips, guiding them as you began to grind against him. The friction between your bodies was building a delicious heat, making it hard for you both to control yourselves.
"God, I need you," he growled against your skin.
You moaned in response, eagerly meeting his lips again. Lewis thrust upwards, filling you to the hilt and causing a soft gasp to escape your lips. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you leaned back slightly and rocked your hips faster against his. The pressure was building between the two of you and it was becoming harder to keep quiet. Your nails raked across his skin and he hissed in pain.
"Mmm...easy there, baby girl," he rumbled out a low warning, giving your earlobe a gentle nip of reproach. "Can't have you mauling me before the big race this weekend. Need to look pretty for my adoring fans."
You scoffed and ground harder against him in sweet retaliation, making him curse roughly. "Please, I'll mark you up anyway I want," you husked.
Lewis chuckled and tightened his grip on your waist, holding you still as he thrust up into you with more force. Your head fell back in pleasure, a loud moan escaping your lips.
"Jesus Christ," he groaned, his movements becoming more frenzied as he chased his own release. He reached between your bodies to stimulate your clit, pushing you closer and closer to the edge.
The sound of skin slapping against skin filled the air, along with your moans and Lewis' low curses.
"That’s my girl takin' this dick so well," he croons softly. "You’re so fuckin' wet, baby. You like this dick, huh? This yours?"
Lewis' words only spurred you on, as you continued to ride him with reckless abandon. The pleasure was building inside of you, threatening to consume you completely.
"You know it's mine," you gasped out, your nails digging into his shoulders. "No one else's."
"Damn right," Lewis growled, his own release approaching fast. He gripped your hips tighter and slammed into you one last time, pushing you both over the edge.
Your walls clenched around him like a vice as you came undone, screaming his name as he followed suit shortly after.
Panting and sweating, the two of you collapsed onto the couch in a tangled heap. Lewis held you close, kissing your forehead gently.
"You're amazing," Lewis murmured, voice rough with satiated desire. His arms tightened around you, pulling your flushed body flush against his sweat-sheened skin.
You hummed out a breathless laugh, nuzzling your face against the solid warmth of his chest. "So are you."
For a long while, the two of you simply held each other close, basking in the post-coital glow. Lewis traced idle patterns across the exposed skin of your back, his touch reverent and tender.
Finally, with obvious reluctance, Lewis stirred beneath you.
"As much as I hate to move right now, we should probably get cleaned up."
The two of you stood up, still tangled in each other's embrace, and made your way to the bathroom. Lewis turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature before pulling you under the warm spray with him.
You leaned back against his chest, feeling content and blissful as he washed your body with slow, gentle movements. His hands lingered on your curves and crevices, eliciting soft moans from you.
"I could get used to this," Lewis murmured against your neck, pressing a kiss to the sensitive spot behind your ear.
You chuckled and turned around in his arms, wrapping yours around his neck. "Me too."
And even though you are apprehensive, there is no denying that Lewis was still the best thing in your world, but it all can't be butterflies and rainbows...
TO BE CONTINUED.....
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st4rgzer · 2 days
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now playing…FORTNIGHT (spencer reid)
-“ˈfɔːtnaɪt: a period of two weeks”-
summary: in which your unlawful affair with fbi agent spencer reid must come to an end
genre: angst, flashback of fluff
cw!: allusions to cheating, kissing, inappropriate innuendos
a/n: this is acc so long but i promise its worth the read, first of many to come!
you watched as spencer methodically fiddled with his tie, a sign that no matter how loose he’d get it to be, it felt like he was choking. you grinned reminiscent, this had brought back to your mind the memory of your first date with him. except he had shorter, neater hair and a less bitter smile.
“how’s your wife” you said, pettiness laced in your words. your arms crossed over your chest, putting up invisible walls, distancing yourself mentally from him. pretending you weren’t thinking about how pretty he’d look under you.
“she’s…well.” he had given you a short, wary response. his eyes studied your face, landing on your lips, he licks his. most likely, he was trying to memorize everything, as if you were a fleeting moment. but you were. you were uncertain about his intents when his eyes wandered for a few seconds.
“how’s dan?” the word ‘dan’ came out with a petulant smile, and sour tone. flourishing the little likeness he had toward him.
the conversation bored you out of your mind. he was holding back. he could’ve said about a million things by now but he chose to keep silent, neglecting your tortured heart even more.
“i think he’s cheating on me, though im still not sure. but i have strong points on the subject, good reasoning” you say dismissively, looking down at your nails. the issue didn’t seem to faze you. after all, some could say you had committed certain behaviors that could allude as cheating.
spencer tried to bite back the grin that was forming on his face, he looked down to try and conceal it.
“i’m sorry about that…” his tone seemed untruthful. he wasn’t sorry about it, because he knew the things he’d done with you while both of you had a ring on your fingers.
you gnawed on your bottom lip. thinking of an ingenious comment that would make him laugh. a quip to start some friendly fire. something that could break through the crushing tension that lingered between the both of you, like thick vines wrapped around your neck, making you unable to speak.
‘i love you, it’s ruining my life’ was all that your brain could come up with, but of course, this wasn’t exactly the best thing to say given the setting and circumstances. but it was how you felt. you treasured every touch and every word, hanging onto every detail desperately. every fortnight that his wife would be out of town. it was unlawful, but, who were you to neglect an invitation with spencer reid? until then, your mornings are all mondays. stuck in an endless february. unable to move on from what should be yours.
you meet his gaze, regretting it almost immediately. knowing the lethal effects he had on you, like some sort of drunkenness that had turned you into a barely functioning alcoholic. his eyes change, his smile differs. he swallows, clearing his throat.
“we can’t do this anymore.” he speaks, his voice sounds brittle and unsure. you don’t break eye contact. you listen intently to his words.
“my wife…my wife knows that i don’t stay late at the BAU as much as i say i do.”
“im a profiler, i can lie but- it doesn’t take away from the fact that this can’t happen anymore.”
“i mean you know how i feel about you, i just- i just can’t keep up with the ruse. i love you and it’s ruining my life.”
your eyes widen at the last sentence, appalled. you tried to decipher spencer’s words. reading between the lines, seeking for some sort of clue that hinted towards the truth. if he loves you, why can’t he stay?
“okay…can we at least stay friends?” you ask him cautiously. even if it meant no more sneaking around, his eyes would at least stay in your life.
spencer swallowed harshly, your eyes lingering over his adam’s apple as he does so. he looks uncertain. you figure maybe his wife was the one with the real issue, not him. you wanted to kill her.
“sure” his voice was slightly above a whisper. he looked away. almost as if, if he continued to hold your gaze he’d had no choice but to give in. that’s what you wanted him to do, to cave in, like always. you wondered if this would be the last fortnight spent with him, and suddenly, realization hit you like a 10 ton truck. you looked down as well, confidence derailing.
“but you’re still my best friend, spence” your voice was nearly a whimper, sounding like a wounded dog. you look up at him with glassy eyes. tilting you head to the side slightly, eyebrows furrowed as you try to control your emotions. you look down, hands fidgeting nervously.
“yes, of course…we just can’t have those benefits anymore” he wants to do nothing more than to grab you and hold you in his arms. to say sorry for everything he had put your through. instead he looks to the waiter.
“check, please” he clears his throat and hopes the sound of his tearing heart isn’t too loud as you look up to look at him with tear rimmed eyes. you bite your bottom lip to stop it from trembling. spencer pays the tab, leaving a generous tip. you get up from your seat, incapable to look at spencer in the eye.
you don’t notice him stepping towards you. your breath hitches as you stare up at him, the closest you’ve been to him all night. his calloused hand cups your cheek, fingers tracing your face, to your under eye. you blink, cursing yourself internally as a tear slips. you look away. he sighs, wiping the tears carefully with his thumb.
“im sorry, you know what i’d do if i could…if things were different” his words are just more salt to fresh cuts. even if he sounded regretful, even if he was sorry, you still had the right to be sad.
“it’s fine, you aren’t mine, i shouldn’t be this sad” you harshly take a step back, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. his mouth stays slightly agape at your sudden movement. he bites down at his lip, sighing, admitting defeat. you were right, he was never yours and you were never his. two parallel lines who never got the chance to see what could’ve been if the circumstances were different.
he had corrupted you, nights that belonged to only you would fade into a memory. the touches that lasted a fortnight. the feeling of his hands in your hair, your clothes on his bedroom floor.
you loved him, and it was ruining your life.
“goodbye, reid” you tone was purposefully cruel, and the choice of using his last name. you looked at him for a second, fighting the instinct of kissing him as a goodbye. he stared with pitiful eyes as you walked away, bell chiming as you opened and closed the door. for a moment he regretted everything said, wishing to just run away and live in the mountains, to follow through on that quiet life you had both talked about when the night passed 3am. tangled in bedsheets. he curses his eidetic memory for remembering your tearful expression, comparing it to the soft, sweet smile you had on every time you left him. can he erase every curve, every dimple he knew you had, every tiny change in your expression he could read like a book, over and over? no, he will be cursed with the gift of knowing, just like you’ll be cursed with the sound of his voice. soft and tender, the sound of his whispers of foreign words against your ear.
“Я тебя обожаю.” his voice is quiet, nose brushing against your neck as he places soft kisses against it. you giggle at the ticklish feeling, grabbing his face delicately to stop him.
“what does that mean?” you ask with a smile, pressing gentle kisses to the bridge of his nose, his face heating up in your hands.
“i adore you” he grins, leaning against your hand and kissing it.
“i know that but what does the sentence mean?” he rolls his eyes as you break out laughing, throwing your head over his shoulder, giggling as if it was the funniest joke you had ever told. you look up at him, both of you grinning widely as he places a proper kiss against your lips.
he loved you, it was ruining his life.
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mysticheathenn · 1 day
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What Do You Need To Work On To Bring in Love?
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Hi, Hexlings!
This pick-a-card reading is all about where in your life that you need to work on in order to bring in love.
This is a general reading, remember to take what resonates and leave what does not. This reading does not supplement your need to seek professional help. Tarot should be used as entertainment and not a sure answer to your problems but as a guide, a sense of hope, and amusement.
Take your time when choosing your pile. Ask yourself the question and choose the picture that you can’t stop looking at. Listen to your intuition.
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Pile l:
What do you need to work on to bring in love? Tarot: Awakening, 5 of Cups, Page of Wands, 8 of Swords, Knight of Cups.
Self Esteem. Regardless of gender some of you have dealt with a "maneater" in the past. What I mean is you dealt with someone who made you feel as if you weren't worth anyone's time. They made you feel little, made you question your worth, and so forth. Some of you are either still dealing with this person (very few) while others of you are still grieving and trying to heal from this past relationship. Some of you are actually trying to heal but every single time you feel you are making any kind of progress you take two steps back and it's ass if you're still in that relationship all over again. You're not too sure how to change things for the better or heck some of you don't think you will get better and you will forever be "broken". I'm here to tell you that things will get better, you just need to find out WHO you are and what YOU think of yourself and not what anyone else thinks. Find something that you like about yourself no matter how small. This can be you loving your dimples, your kindness, the way your farts smell, anything, and start from there and work your way up to other things you may love about yourself. Ask loved ones what they love about you and try to see what they see and do affirmations in the mirror. Some of you may even benefit from Mirror Work or if you are readers reading Mirror Work by Louise Hay. Either way, you are worth loving, you are beautiful, you are amazing, etc etc.
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Pile ll:
What do you need to work on to bring in love? Tarot: 9 of Pentacles (reversed), The Sun, 10 of Cups (reversed), King of Cups
Mindset. Similar to Pile l but a bit different. Instead of this pile dealing with a previous relationship, I'm hearing "It's me, hi...I'm the problem it's me" You are the problem. Some of you don't believe that you are meant to be happy or even find true love. This could be because of a previous relationship that made you feel this way or because of self-worth or the constant videos on social media that show you toxic relationships and you feel that all the good people are taken. Either way, You need to start believing that good things can and will happen for you regardless of what your surroundings show you. Regardless of how the past has treated you. Most importantly regardless of what social media or even your friends and family's relationships may show you to make you want to stay single. True love is out there and it's waiting for you to switch your mindset to the Sun card and believe that all good things happen to you. Nothing but amazing people flow into your life. Some of you I believe may feel this way because you constantly get lesson after lesson from the universe and from what I am hearing for a "good" reason that I rather not touch on because everyone's path is different. ("Good" meaning transformation within yourself for the better not good that you deserve it.) Read romance novels, and tap into the algorithm that shows you healthy relationships. I know there was a trend on TikTok recently where one female wanted people to display their healthy relationships to give others hope because her algorithm kept showing toxicity and weaponized incompetence from partners, etc. Do any and everything that you can do to surround yourself with positive and loving love.
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Pile lll:
What do you need to work on to bring in love? Tarot: Hanged Man, 5 of Pentacles (reversed), King of Swords, Page of Wands, 5 of Swords
Self Worth. Pile lll you have a horrible habit of letting people go. You're like a hoarder but for people. Some of you are giving me the definition of "I can fix them." Even when a person treats you horribly, even when someone disrespects you, even when a person shows you nothing but red flags, you are always there for them ready to take whatever it is they want to give you. You literally will take whatever scraps a person will give you if it means that you feel they thought of you for a split second. A very few have FOMO. What do I mean? I mean you are staying in this toxic environment waiting for that one day or the chance of them turning their ways around and treating you the way that you truly deserve. Instead of you constantly always making excuses for their bad and wild behavior. Call a spade a spade, please. If they are not calling, being communicative, or even giving you the time of day. They are not interested. I think I have a video clip of what you need to hear, Click Here. The lady in the video speaks about men but this goes for any and all genders if I am being honest. People will do what they want to do. People will treat you how they want to treat you regardless of gender. Overall the saying being delulu is the solulu was not meant for you babe. Wake up, smell, and pour the coffee on yourself to wake up your senses to know you deserve better and there are people out here ready to give you attention, love, affection, etc and you don't have to beg or wait by the door like a dog for it.
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Pile lV:
What do you need to work on to bring in love? Tarot: 9 of Wands, The Moon, 5 of Pentacles (reversed), The Emperor, 8 of Swords
Divine Feminine. Pile lV I want to hug you because I see myself in you a bit. You deal with hyper-independence badly when it comes to relationships or even in life for some of you. Just in case you don't know what that means, it means you can't release control to others because you feel like the saying "If you want something done right, do it yourself." Someone or many people in your life or even past relationships always made you feel like you always had to do everything because you can't count on everyone. You literally have to carry the whole relationship on your shoulders. You also remind me of the quote "Since I stopped texting people first, I haven't heard from a lot of people in a while." You may have also been drawn to pile lll some of you at least. Either way, you need to start operating in your divine feminine and letting the chips fall where they may. If anyone wants to be in your life the phone, intentions, etc works both ways. Let people show you how much you mean to them without needing to control every single outcome in order to not want to lose someone because you either aren't sure when or if someone else will come along or because you want this relationship to work out because you have been in so many that you are tired of leaving the chips where it may. For a few of you, I sense you may be the type that has a five year plan like you want to have kids, get married, have a few dogs, that kind of plan and you feel if you leave it up to others you will never get there. One thing I will tell you about that mindset is it will have you settling pile lV. Let people show you how they love others. If it isn't what you expect, want, or desire then you need to leave. Stop settling, stop trying to carry the entire relationship, just stop baby. You deserve to for once operate in your feminine energy. You deserve to sit back and relax while you let someone pour into you instead of the other way around.
Thank you for liking and reblogging my readings. I always appreciate you guys on here and on Patreon.
Stay safe and be blessed
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tiredfox64 · 17 hours
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Hi! How are you? First of all, I love your way of writing, it's amazing! I wish I had that magic that you have. UwU <3 Can I ask you to write a Bi-Han x Chubby!Afab!Reader? Where the reader is Liu Kang's apprentice, but since he does not have time to train her, he takes her to Bi-Han and he mocks her for not seeming strong, but when they face each other, things change and for the first time Bi-Han meets He is attracted to her and wants her for himself. But the reader feels insecure, thinking that this was some kind of mockery. There can be a lot of fluff and a possessive Bi-Han. Please :3
Thick Thighs Can Change Lives
Prior notes: Hoi!! I’m doin fine just trying to finish the semester strong. How bout you? And thank you for liking my writing! (´・ω・`)
Pairing: Bi-Han x Chubby! Afab reader
Warnings ‼️: KICK HIS ASS!!! AHHHH
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It’s an honor to be an apprentice to Lord Liu Kang. He treats you well and always saw potential in you no matter what. Your body did not change the fact that you had a fighting spirit. There was strength in you that was hidden. Though others will doubt you they will eventually find out the truth that you are mighty.
If only Bi-Han saw that from the beginning.
You were unsure of Liu Kang’s decision to send you to the Lin Kuei for more training. He apologized profusely for not having enough time to do it himself. You understood since there were many others that he had to train. He trusted Bi-Han to take good care of you during your stay. If only the first interaction was good.
“This is the woman? Are you sure she is capable of fighting?” Bi-Han looked you up and down with a look of uncertainty.
“Trust me, Bi-Han. She is more than capable. There is a reason why she is my apprentice. Do not judge, lest ye be judged.” And he means it.
Bi-Han grumbled at Liu Kang’s response. He thinks the god is foolish for taking you in. You have proportions he hadn’t seen before on a warrior. He expects abs and flat stomachs, not chubby bellies. He circled you, checking you out from all angles and not in a good way. He pokes you to check for any muscles. You keep hearing a disappointed sigh.
“If this task is too hard for you, Bi-Han, I can always have the monks at the Wu Shi train her.”
Liu Kang’s words infuriated Bi-Han. He makes it sound like he can’t train you himself. That this task is impossible for a man like him. Forget it, he’ll take you in.
“No, I will take her in. She will be better than before. Come on.” He grabbed your hand and yanked you before you could even say goodbye to Liu Kang.
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There were many in the Lin Kuei who questioned their grandmaster’s decisions. You were not like them, that was evident.
He didn’t even work with you at first. After about two days you had to go up to him to ask if he was actually going to train you or not. Clearly it’s not that he’s into training other cause when you found him he was watching all the other Lin Kuei assassins train.
“Grandmaster, when are you going to train me? I thought that was the reason Lord Liu Kang brought me to you.” You reminded him of his purpose.
He groaned as he remembered that you were still here. If he’s going to train he will do it separate from the clan.
“Fine, come with me.”
You followed him to a secluded area of the temple. Your heart was pumping. You were excited to show that you are capable of anything but afraid of failing. Liu Kang’s words echoed in your head telling you to focus on your actions, not the outcome. Give it your best shot and kick his butt!
“Show me what you are capable of. I hope you can show me that you are a worth opponent.” He sounded like he already had little faith in you.
From the start of the fight you were already proving him wrong. You were blocking every attack. Bi-Han was going easy on you for now but seeing as you could at least defend yourself he was hoping you would attack soon.
Hell, you were even dodging his ice attacks. He couldn’t even freeze one of your legs in place. Looks like he was wrong to think that you would be an easier target to hit.
Throughout it all you watched as he grew more and more frustrated. He set the bar too low and seeing that he was wrong was the worst thing he could have expected. Though your special move was probably way worse than having his ego be tampered with.
You finally attacked him. A palm strike to the jaw caused him to fall back. Before he could comprehend what you just did and get himself up you were already above him. You pressed down on him which put one of his legs in an uncomfortable position. You pinned his arm down before swinging your right leg behind his head. With all your strength you managed to flip both of you before locking his head in with your legs. And there you have it, you got him in a triangle choke.
This was just humiliating for Bi-Han. He didn’t think it was possible to lose to you. You had him right when you wanted him. Your legs made him feel like he was being squeezed by a vicious anaconda. The more he struggled the more he lost his breath. It didn’t stop there oh no. You started bending his arm and leg that were trapped between you two. You bent them in directions that would be impossible to achieve unless you broke his bones. His free hand came and slapped your thigh. He tapped out. He couldn’t take it.
You unraveled your legs to set him free. You were panting a bit and felt a bit sweaty. But compared to how he was now you looked like you never even fought him.
“I’m sorry, grandmaster, if that was too much.” You apologized even though you didn’t need to.
Once you were back up on your feet you stuck your hand out to help Bi-Han up. He looked up at you, taking in all your details for once. Maybe he lost too much oxygen when you were chocking him because for some reason you seem so cute right now. Yet he was still upset from being beaten by you. He didn’t take your hand but got up himself and walked away. Not a word was said from him and you were left wondering if you did something wrong.
I can guarantee you didn’t do anything wrong. Bi-Han just needs time to think of where he went wrong and what kind of woman he is attracted to. Looks like he might have an unexpected type.
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No matter how many breaths of fresh air Bi-Han got his new stance on you didn’t change. He has enough oxygen going into his brain this new liking is not a delusion.
He was wrong but he won’t say it out loud. You have the strength of a warrior with a heart of gold. It was all hidden in that plush body of yours. What a fool he was to doubt you.
Now his eyes are always on you. Without the mindset of you being weak he sees now that there is much more to you.
Why didn’t he see it before! Just look at that cute face of yours, especially your cheeks. He wants to squish that face and not in a skull crushing way. And those legs good heavens! Those thighs could kill a man yet he would gladly put his face between them again. Your chest is a good alternative as well. He won’t deny he noticed that from the beginning but he would remind himself about it constantly. It just took him a while to realize the whole package was enticing. Screw it, let him get his hands on your tummy.
Look, Bi-Han likes his women strong. That’s one thing. But if chubby is the new strong well he won’t hesitate to take it. And don’t tell him that’s wrong he can’t be wrong two times in a row.
You did notice his stare. It was different now. You noticed one of his eyebrows would raise as he looked at you. His eyes wandered up and down. Before he could even walk over to have a word with you, you would start walking away. You were concerned he would insult you about your looks. Why else was he checking you out like that?
No one walks away from the grandmaster. You will listen to what he has to say. Bi-Han walked quickly towards you before yanking you back by your shirt.
“Where do you think you are going? Do you not see that I am trying to talk to you.” He is giving you his gentlest voice but it still feels like he will rip your spine out.
“I’m sorry, grandmaster.” You turned around quickly to look at him.
Suddenly his hands were at your face. He had a good grip on your soft cheeks, pinching and squeezing them. You looked up at him with confusion. You brought your hands up in an effort to remove his hands only for him to quickly slap them away. Bi-Han isn’t done admiring your beauty.
You thought he was being mean to you again. He was taunting you by bringing attention to your round face. This ain’t the first time something like this has happened. The only difference is that Bi-Han seems determined to look at you. He’s not saying anything which confuses you even more.
Yes, yes, she is perfect. She will look perfect standing next to me. No one will dare touch her unless they wish to feel her wrath. if anyone dares to say something negative about her weight I will make them pay for their disrespect. They will be forced to watch their hands lose function when I freeze them-
“Bi-Han, what are you doing to her?” Tomas’ voice rang out.
Bi-Han broke away from his inner monologue. He wasn’t done making plans on making you his. His eyes caught onto the sight of Tomas’ hand reaching out to grab your wrist. You looked at him in desperation as you were so confused by what was happening. But suddenly you were flung over Bi-Han’s shoulder. He did it as if you weighted as much as a kitten. He started walking away but he had something to say to Tomas.
“Mind your business, Tomas.” He snapped at his adopted brother before walking off with you.
You were humiliated by the fact that all of the Lin Kuei were watching their grandmaster carry you away. His arm was wrapped around your thighs. You didn’t see his face but he was satisfied that his arm was squeezing your thick thighs.
“Please…just put me down already. I got it you’re strong enough to pick me up.” Your disappointed voice was muffled by your hands covering your face.
“Silence. I will put you down when I want to.”
Were you silent or were you silenced?
Bi-Han brought you all the way to his office before placing you down on the ground. Don’t think you can catch your breath now because his arms quickly wrap around your waist and pull you onto his lap. This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
“What are you doing?! Don’t you think I’m a little too heavy to be sitting on your lap?”
He looked offended by your words. As if you were the one who was calling him heavy. It only made his grip on you grow tighter, making sure you won’t leave now.
“Do you see me as a man who is unable to handle anything? Don’t be so foolish. Just sit here and look pretty for me as I work.” He instructed you.
Pretty? Did he just call you pretty? Maybe you hit him too hard during practice. But right now you don’t feel like disobeying any orders from him now. Even if this is a joke you rather wait to get pushed off than get off yourself and face a possible punishment. So just sit there and look your prettiest. You already are a gorgeous lady so there is no need to push yourself.
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It’s not a joke anymore. It stopped being a joke a long time ago.
Every day since that weird interaction it’s like Bi-Han can’t keep his hands off you. He would go near you just to squeeze some part of you. It started with your arms which you really hated at first. You thought he was pointing out how he couldn’t feel muscles in that area. Wrong, he just liked the feel of it.
In general he likes the feel of you. But may the gods help anyone who tries to grab at you. Only Bi-Han can do that.
The one and only time you practiced with the others in the Lin Kuei it ended with someone’s face being smashed in and you being dragged away. Hey, he shouldn’t have smacked your stomach and called you names. He was just a sore loser who couldn’t comprehend losing to you. Well now he just lost his face privileges and respect from the grandmaster.
If anyone doubted you they had to face the fury of the Lin Kuei grandmaster. If fact they can’t even look at you at this point. If they looked at you for at least five seconds Bi-Han would start holding onto you like a child who is afraid their favorite toy will get taken away.
Wherever he went, you had to be with him. He needed to keep his eyes on you. In his mind you are already his, there is no arguing about it. You didn’t even know that’s what’s going on. It just happened.
Bi-Han loves to have you on his lap. It shows everyone that you are his now. He loves having his arms wrapped around your waist and squeezing it. Occasionally he would rest his head against your shoulder. That’s the calmest anyone has ever seen him. He would compare his hand size to your thighs. You thought it was another insult before you felt him squeeze them.
Squeezing, poking, squishing, grabbing, holding, secretly loving, that’s all he seemed to do. If you ever asked why, Bi-Han would silence you. You’re not allowed to question his actions nor hint that there was anything wrong with you. The only time you were allowed to have space was when you need to use the bathroom, eat, or sleep. And even getting him to go away so you could sleep was an issue.
You thought your saving grace would come once you heard Liu Kang would be visiting. He wanted to check on your progress and see if you wanted to return to the fire temple. He manages to make more time for you. No matter how much time you were away from him you were still Liu Kang’s apprentice.
Though that depends if Bi-Han will let you go.
One of the clansmen alerted Bi-Han of the god’s presence. Liu Kang soon came walking into the office. He was shocked to see you sitting on Bi-Han’s lap. Clearly it wasn’t fully your decision since you looked shy about it.
“I see you have gotten along with my apprentice. Is there any reason she is sitting on your lap instead of training?” Liu Kang addressed Bi-Han.
“Is there an issue with this. You brought her to me, I make the decision on what she is supposed to be doing right now.”
“I mean, I think I should have been training at this point but you were barely letting me do that.” You talked back, barely caring about what is happening anymore.
Liu Kang’s glowing eyes kept shifting between you and Bi-Han. If what you say is true, which it is, that means the grandmaster has been lacking in his duties. Though to Bi-Han he hasn’t lost anything from this experience.
“If that is the case it might be best to come back with me, my apprentice. Perhaps Bi-Han has other things he would prefer to attend to.” Liu Kang gestured for you to come with him.
The moment you tried to get off, Bi-Han pressed your body against him more. He glared at Liu Kang who looked back in shock. There is no chance in hell that he will let you walk out of this temple. No one will take his strong, chubby woman from him.
You sighed, realizing he will never give up. It dawned on you that he wasn’t making fun of you. He genuinely liked you now that you have shown your potential. You shrugged your shoulders at Liu Kang since you didn’t know what to do now. You would like more training but it might be a whole battle just to get Bi-Han off you. In a way you’re not complaining all that much.
“What is the meaning of this, Bi-Han? You have lacked in your duties to-“
Bi-Han didn’t want to hear anymore from Liu Kang. He carried you in his arms like a princess and walked out of the office. Liu Kang followed close behind him, still scolding him for his actions. All Bi-Han would respond with was a blunt no and continued walking on.
You’re left to think while this madness is going on. There is one thing you are certain you are feeling. Pride. Pride in the fact that you not only beat Bi-Han and proved your worth but proved that you are worth his affection. You changed this man’s perspective and his type. His eyes have been opened to the possibility of having a bigger figure in his arms and in his life. This is the way.
In an effort to get Liu Kang off his back he walked into his bedroom and slammed the door shut before Liu Kang could get another word out. He placed you on the bed before laying down next to you and resting his head on your chest. It’s hopeless, he’s too attached to you. I mean just look at that face. You didn’t think he could unfurrow his eyebrows. This is a moment in history!
“You’re not gonna let me go I’m guessing.” You asked.
“No.” Plain and simple from Bi-Han.
You held yourself back from chuckling. He’s clearly the possessive type. And if he can see that there is beauty in you then you will take it even if you had to beat him up first for him to see that.
“Fine, you win. Just this once.” You said softly.
Are you happy with your prize, Bi-Han?
After notes: Good amount of people don’t expect me to be strong because I’m chubby. A lot of my strength comes from my legs. But I’ve had instances where I have slapped and even punched people by accident. Literally told a story yesterday of how I punched someone I knew by accident and they folded. Anyways I was very happy to get a request like this. I hope you are happy with the outcome I did my best! I’m sorry i didn’t post yesterday I was very tired and mentally drained from all the bs. Hopefully that didn’t affect what I wrote. Adiós!
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lovecolibri · 16 hours
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And yet if it was all questions related to Tommy they wouldn’t have a concern in the world. They like to say stop making it about buddie, and that it should be about just Buck, but then they turn right around and make it all about Tommy and his perfection. But like you said, asking about buddie is asking about bi Buck. And not to mention buddie is 6 years worth of history at this point. And we’ve learned enough the last few days to know a big portion of bucks bi sexuality was in tandom with Eddie. There is next to nothing to go off of in terms of things related to Buck Tommy. They have had a single kiss and a bad date. That’s it. Interviews would get like one question out of that and then end of topic.
Yeah, I just don't get the hype 🤷🏻‍♀️ Which is normal, I'm a chronic mono-shipper so I just avoid ships that aren't for me and block tags and such. But it's hard because right now there is a LOT of mis/cross tagging so I'm trying to just stay in my bubble.
But yeah, it's weird that people are both saying this should ONLY be about Buck but are also mad that it's not more about Tommy. He's a side character whose job is to move the plot forward, and there are lots of other storylines going on that are going to get the focus in upcoming weeks, and they haven't shot the last couple episodes yet so what is Oliver supposed to say? If there are only a couple more scenes with him and Lou coming up while the storyline focuses on Madney, Bobby, and Henren, he won't want to spoil them. If they already have maped out where the relationship reaches its natural end, he's not going to spoil that either but also won't want to super hype up a relationship he knows isn't going to last. He HAS made a point to say he hopes Tommy can stick around as a friend which to me says that the cast enjoys working with Lou and the audience has been mostly receptive so it's a good character for the show to keep in their back pocket as a recurring guest.
But Buddie??? Oliver has YEARS of pent up Buddie stuff he didn't feel like he could talk about, especially after FOX shut down the storyline, and that he's talking about it now tells me conversations have been had with him, Ryan, Tim, and the network about what possibilities are open to them and likely a broad timeline/plan. Which is of course, subject to change as we saw with this originally being planned for Eddie but due to actress availability, got shuffled around but I don't think they would be clearing these questions and Oliver especially would be answering so freely if he didn't feel like it's where things are eventually heading. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also, I think it's important to remember it's a STORY and so of COURSE people are pulling in threads from previous seasons and connecting the dots because that's what you do with stories. And from the first moment Buck sees Eddie and doesn't quite know what that feeling is that he's getting, it's all been tied up in Eddie, with the show reinforcing that relationship at every turn. Why WOULDN'T people make it about Buddie when the story itself tells us it always has been? I just don't always get the "these stories have to be entirely separate from each other" because beyond all else Buck and Eddie are best friends. Of course their stories are going to include each other and be intertwined! And if Buck is looking at his life with new eyes or Eddie is examining what he actually wants in a partner for himself, why WOULDN'T they examine their relationship with each other since it's the most prominent one they have?
ANYWAY
*i just have a lot of feelings.gif*
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ciderjacks · 3 days
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weird list of life lessons I’ve learned from age 18-19 because i think I had a character development arc lmao
Things do get better, they also get worse. Nothing stays the same, but if you just keep going then even the worst shit will be ok.
self perception and little individual labels are so unimportant. You are the things you do. Work on yourself instead of worrying about your various categories.
happiness isn’t that hard to find if you’re not expecting anything. So many little things are what make life worth it.
self pity gets you nowhere. You get to decide how you’re going to respond to your circumstances, and as good as it can feel, sitting in a pit of “this is so unfair, I can't believe this is happening to me” only makes you feel worse.
on the flip side: self pity isn’t the same as letting yourself feel bad. You need to let yourself feel like shit, and you need to acknowledge those shitty feelings, otherwise they pile up and consume you and that's how you end up in the self pity hole. When I was walking a few days ago, I felt really weird, and I realized it was because I felt upset about letting the last year of my life go. Once I acknowledged that, I instantly felt better and I haven’t struggled with that since.
It’s possible to find joy in the shittiest situations, this doesn’t make them any less shitty, but it makes you more equipped to roll with them and not get stuck in your own head.
I already said this but seriously labeling your identity is so unimportant. I was so far up my own ass in high school, I had to label every little feeling and experience, and I was so obsessed with how I was perceived, and then I went to college and had to learn the hard way that I just am who I am, and I am what I do. Your desires to be perceived a certain way, obsession over embodying whatever you perceive yourself as, is not doing anything good for you. Identity can be important, but if you’re obsessing over it, maybe take a step back and ask yourself if it matters.
you are never going to stop having to work on yourself, change, especially positive change, isn’t something that happens to you, it's something you work for.
Negative experiences are unavoidable, and important to have. If I’d avoided all the shitty stuff in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am now. Lessons are in everything.
People probably care about you a lot more than you think they do.
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shy-urban-hobbit · 3 days
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@elmonstro
Lambert finds out something about Aiden's past when the Cat accidentally gets triggered.
C/W past dub con/ non con but not between Aiden and Lambert. You have been warned.
The change in Aiden's mood was so swift it almost had Lambert choking. The scent of arousal moving to pure terror the minute Lambert pinned his wrists above his head, the Cats entire body going stiff as a board underneath him.
"Aiden?" He asked trying to catch the others eye, no easy task considering how they were rapidly darting around the room, looking at anything but him.
Looking for an escape Lambert realised.
"Please let me up." Aiden's voice sounded so small and meek and totally unlike the Cat who would yell dirty limericks at the top of his lungs, not caring who heard him. Lambert was off in an instant, barely moving away fast enough to avoid bumping heads with Aiden as he sat up, breathing deeply and absent mindedly rubbing his wrists, bringing his knees to his chest. Something had triggered him. Badly.
"Aiden?"
"Sorry, sorry. I just need a minute. I....it's fine. I'm fine."
"The fuck you are." Lambert went to put a hand on Aiden's shoulder in what he hoped would be a comforting gesture, trying not to let his hurt show when the Cat flinched away. This wasn't about him.
"Ok. I won't touch you, hands are staying right here. But will you please talk to me, what did I do that scared you?"
Aiden held up a finger and Lambert nodded in understanding before falling silent, wanting desperately to comfort the other but unsure how to until Aiden was ready to speak.
After several long minutes, the stink of Aiden's fear began to ebb away and be replaced with a nauseating mix of embarrassment and misery.
"I don't like being pinned down. I can't be pinned down, alright?" He gave a derisive laugh, still avoiding looking at Lambert, "I already know what you're going to say. You pin me like that all the time when we're training or wrestling but that's different it's not...sexual."
Lambert felt his stomach lurch unpleasantly at the implication, "Someone hurt you."
Aiden nodded, "More than I realised at first. I hadn't been on the path very long and...it was hard. I was lonely and miserable and then this person swooped in, they might have been the first one who wasn't afraid of me. They treated me like a person and weren't ashamed to be seen with me whenever I was able to visit them and I took it as a compliment how they only ever seemed to smell of lust when we were together and what they wanted in return seemed such a small thing in comparison...how could I say no when they endured so much shit just for being seen with me? It was a couple of years before some of my schoolmates found out and helped me realise exactly how fucked up this relationship actually was."
Lambert was fighting a losing battle to keep his anger in check as Aiden finally looked at him. All he could think to say was, "Are they still alive?"
Aiden shook his head, "A couple of my older brothers found me one season and told me they'd 'taken care' of it. They still refuse to elaborate on what exactly they did, but you've heard the stories about my school."
Damn. Lambert had already been making plans to present Aiden this bastards head on a platter. Oh well.
"And what do you need from me right now? Do you want me to stay or leave?"
"Will you stay?" He asked, looking at Lambert as if he was genuinely afraid the Wolf would refuse.
"Of course I will. You want me up here with you or on the floor?"
"I want to be held." The words left Aiden in a rush, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can...not now, but can you still just hold me. Please?"
Lambert shifted so he was lying on his side, "Nothing to apologise for Kitten, and for what it's worth, I want nothing more than to hold you right now. C'mere."
Aiden practically dove into Lambert's open arms, allowing himself to be enveloped as he snuggled as close as he could get without crawling into the others skin, "Thanks, Lam."
Lambert hummed in response, listening as Aiden's heartbeat slowed even more in sleep as the emotional toil caught up with him and totally unaware that his Wolf planned on keeping vigil the entire night to guard him from any nightmares which may be dragged into being by such unpleasant memories.
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inkskinned · 8 months
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it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
#warm up#writeblr#i spent a lot of time picturing our future#how funny to think: in each version of our future#i was never myself#i was someone smarter kinder braver#better adept.#who could navigate the way you shouted and got angry at small things and never fucking believed the best of me#i would never be needy and you'd never get tired of me#people usually talk about how we picture people as being “fixable”. but i assumed i was the problem. my idyllic picture wasn't of you.#it was a version of me that wasn't ill. that needed no extra help. that could be your wife and happy#the fact i wasn't happy was because there is something so wrong inside me. it's always been that way. i convinced myself:#if i stay i can change. if i stay i can make it worth it. i can apologize and fix this. and make us both okay.#for the last year i've been thinking about how you blamed our whole breakup on me. how it was my fault for whatever thing.#and i agreed with you. because of course i did. you'd trained me to believe everything was my fault . that you wanted to love me and i made#it far too hard. that i was always finding ways to ''set you off'.#a few days ago while i was doing something else#i realized that while i was in crisis you told me to fuck off and find someone else to get help. and you never fucking apologized .#you said i made you do that because i wasn't being sensible. i had been crying too hard to speak clearly.#you said: you're doing this to manipulate me.#you forgave yourself for that. i had to forgive you without apology. you said you were right to react that way. and then you were SO#SO annoyed. any time i said: i feel like you aren't nice to me. it is hard to trust that you love me.#i don't think about you that much anymore. but these days when i do: all i can think is that im not sure u ever really understood kindness#you were the cruelest to the people closest to you. and most of the time. that meant it fell to me.
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homeless202 · 1 year
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Eunyung and stealing
HJ | Parallels | Details
Eunyung had never stolen anything before the first time he was accused of it, after running away the first time. He didn't steal those headphones, yet still got beaten up for it.
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His dad didn't even let him explain himself before starting to hit him. Only afterwards did EY get the chance to say he didn't do it so his dad could hear, who ofc didn't care enough to believe him. Instead of trusting him or at least listening to him, he asked EY to apologize for sth he didn’t do and just get the whole thing over with.
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^^ Here, EY was caught off guard by his dad's "gentleness" (<- not hitting him) when he leaned down and whispered to him (hence the small blush above). To me, it seems like he had a sliver of hope that his dad would be nice to him for once. But the gentleness vanished quickly as his dad then proceeded shaming and guilt-tripping him into apologizing (hence the blush below).
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That tactic didn't work bc EY knows how unfair the thing he's being asked to do is. He knows he's innocent bc he really didn't steal anything. When he refused and insisted he really didn't do it, his dad pulled the "I'm so disappointed in you. You never change"-card.
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Now, that tactic worked. In the end he just gave in and apologized as told in order to avoid more conflict and finally get out of that uncomfortable situation -> Something like resignation
(^^ This also ties into why EY was so upset with HJ's words during Thanksgiving's arc -> he hates the idea that he can't change and will stay like this forever. That's also a reason why he apologized despite being innocent -> EY wanted to prove his dad wrong: He can change. He can be something other than a disappointment not worth anyone's time.)
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The guy who actually did it got away with it and EY got made fun of for being stupid enough to take the blame. He sought out the guy to take revenge bc he knew there'd be no other type of justice for someone like him.
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His dad’s actions that day (wrongly accusing and forcing EY to take the blame) is what pushed him to try stealing -> If he was going to suffer the consequences anyway, he should at least benefit from it somehow by actually stealing sth and profit from whatever he stole. That way the accusation would at least be valid.
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That day, EY learned to seek justice by himself because no one else would; and he learned to steal. He started stealing in his first year of middle school, one month after running away from home for the first time. All because of his dad. EY never had a father, he had the opposite of a role model -> he knew what he did not want to be.
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woodenela · 5 months
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Don't you ever let anyone tell you that it is too late to switch jobs/careers. Not ever.
Found a job at 18 & stuck with it? Cool.
Wanna change things up every 5 years? Do it.
Wanna start in a new field after devoting 20+ years to a single company? It's never too late!
We only have one dang life on this planet, if you wanna go wild and test all kinds of jobs out & find something your passionate about at 28,39,52? DO IT!
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frienderbender · 2 years
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It's always been just him and me together
So I bet all I have on that furrowed brow
And at least in this lifetime
We're sticking together
#my art tag#nikki tag (mtl oc)#metalocalypse oc#metalocalypse#rikki kixx#idk thinking about the arc of canon compliant rikki/nikki#thinking about just like. their relationship over time. how things change and stay the same#bc it’s like. sticking together bc they’ve been together so long and there’s no one else they love and trust more than each other#you’re the one i chose and will stand by you no matter what. we’re in this together and we always will be#but then it’s like. rikki changes so much. and how do you stand by the person you chose if you can’t even recognize them anymore#but at the same time it’s like. that’s just it. they WILL stick by each other because they still love each other.#they will never stop loving each other.#i just like writing very layered relationships that ultimately are just two people so ridiculously in love#and looking at the lengths they’re willing to go to and how things end up#and i hope i’ve written even a somewhat compelling relationship between them/written an interesting character in nikki#because like. this isn’t even getting to the whole other celebrity aspect of them which plays a HUGE part in all this#(also worth noting more stuff will get explored in KfaD) (and you can just ask me stuff whenever)#THERE’S LAYERS TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP! they have so much lore i feel like i haven’t done it justice on here#there’s so much stuff in my head/notes/etc…..#also i just want to make it abundantly clear that is still a GOOD WORKING RELATIONSHIP at the end of the day.#they are still legitimately good for each other. they just have a some of their own personal issues that they need to work through#with or without the other person.
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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
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you lied to me, and ruined everything, and ruined how I approach almost any romantic feeling at all. and all you can describe it as is having fucking beef with me. and you don't even recognize your own actions. you don't even fucking remember them. you aren't phased by it at all. I agonized, had meltdowns over it. losing me, ruining me was just a regular fucking day for you.
#mine#the other day i thought. why is my hatred worth it. why am i continuing with this?#🪳#why am i continuing with something that happened so long ago. why do i CARE. and this is why. fucking indifference#no amount of fucking sorries will fix it. no amount of i love yous will fix it.#there is nothing you can do for my forgiveness other than die. <- banger post btw i need to make that#and this is just? fucking irrelevant to you? you changed the trajectory of my life forever and you can barely even remember#youre so wrapped up in your sick little romantic fantasy you dont even realize how many people hate you.#all the time i hear it. if so fucking many people hate the both of you and dont want you to be together then its not destiny!#you only stay together because youd be fucking nothing without eachother? so itd be best to just kill yourselves<3#good evening yangang how are you all today. im balls to the wall batshit insane and about to get a murder charge#also good evening to everyone except terrible pieces of shit who i hate and want dead and who im writing this about.#me when i definitely have an undiagnosed mental disorder but idk what it is for sure so i just say im insane#like definitely BPD but there is something else too i feel like this cant just be one disorder#at this point i dont care if im forever regarded as a shit person because of all this. people dont really like me anyway? except val#shoutouts to val everybody. if they are reading this hii hello bestie#well there is a select few people who like me. but not enough that CARE about me. doomy for example is keeping me going#even if its just through mundane posting like this. i cant believe im liked let alone loved#maybe only my surface level personality is desirable but the more you get to know me the more annoying i am#well they still like me despite the fact im displaying every mental illness everyday on tumblr.com so thats niceys#no person is entirely bad or good. i feel like thats me though. i have so many bad actions. but so many good actions too. two halves#two wolves inside of you and all that business. thats me#also lotto to me to choosing the most shit idiot guys to care about ever this one isnt even responding to my misery#well he never responds to anyone elses misery either. and only mine if directly asked.#hes too much of a puzzle for miserable me to figure out.#well im done being angry here u go here's the post
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wickedghxst · 9 months
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okay i Have to have some sort of out of wack hormones or something.
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ihamtmus · 1 year
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i will miss him :((((((
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hagravenholm · 1 year
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I personally cannot wait to fulfill my destiny of being an old cat lady spinster hagraven (coping lol)
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