#im hurt but thats the worst thing i couldve done

[kindnessisweakness2]

Delusional - Part 24

Jax's eyes widened in shock as he watched Delaney Grab the barrell of the gun. Lunging forward, taking Alex down to the floor as 3 shots of the gun fired, Jax screamed as he watched Delaney fly backwards. Smashing his fist into Alex face twice, Jax threw the gun away from him. He couldnt explain the relief he felt at the sound of the door flying open and the guys rushing in. Happy was the first to Jax's side. "Take this piece of shit to the warehouse. I want him alive Hap!" Jax barked orders he knew the Tacoma Killer would be glad to Obey. Juice, Tig and bobby followed behind Happy, there was no way that slimy fucker was running away now. Chibs and Gemma were all over Delaney. Jax stood next to Opie, gripping is hair in frustration as tears fell. "She grabbed the gun Ope. H-he said she had to choose. She grabbed the fucking gun!" Opie did his best to comfort his best friend. They'd grew up together, and he'd never seen Jax like this. Not even when Tara left. Jax always jumped to Anger first. Never let emotions get in the way. Fuck, he'd only seen him cry once and that was when he got the news his dad died. After that it was all fighting and drinking the pain away. "She's gonna be okay. She's a fighter. Shes survived the worst. It's gonna be alright man." And as Opie patted his best friends back, he hoped with everything he was right.

Chibs worked fast. Faster than he ever had. Cutting Jax's hoodie away, revealing the once white vest top underneath, he packed gauze into the open wound in her shoulder. "Its still in there. Im gonna have to pull the bullet out." He looked at Gemma as he spoke, unable to keep the worry from his face. He'd never had to work on an old lady before, let alone his VPS. "Shouldnt we get her to the hospital? Shes pregnant for god sakes!" Gemma questioned. Clay and Chibs shook their heads at the same time. "No. It raises too many questions. Shes been in and out of hospital too much recently. I can handle this Gem. Shes gonna be fine." Gemma shook her head, hoping what he was saying was true. Jax leaned over his girl, kissing her forehead. "Shes got a shoulder wound. The other two bullets missed her. Shes very lucky lad, but shes gonna have to rest after this. The doctor said no stress and i dont know what effect this would have had on the baby." Jax nodded at chibs, not being able to manage words. He stayed there, leaning over the love of his life as she lay unconscious on their living room floor. He begged whoever was up there, God, his Dad, Thomas, that both her and their baby would be okay. She didnt deserve this. She didnt deserve any of it. Him? He was far from perfect. Maybe this was Karma for everything he had done wrong in his life. The best thing that ever happened to him was going to be ripped away.

White hot pain. Thats what Delaney felt when she opened her eyes. "Fuck" She groaned as she tried to sit up, but a hand flew out to stop her moving. "Dont." Jax spoke softly as he sat on the side of their bed. "Alex.." He cut her off. "Happy has him up at the warehouse on the Wahiwah. He's not getting away this time, im gonna make sure of it." Delaney sighed, "I was so scared he was gonna hurt you." Jax cupped her face and kissed her gently. "I cant believe you grabbed the gun. You idiot! You couldve been killed, Our baby..." It was Delaneys turn to cut him off. "I wasnt going to let you get hurt because of me. Yes im an idiot, but your important Jax. Your needed." Tears fell from Jax's eyes as he kissed her again. "Your needed. I need you" Delaney wrapped her arms around him, hissing at the pain and trying to be gentle because of the stitches. "I love you Teller" Jax smiled at her . "I love you too you idiot." Gemma, Chibs and Clay made their way into the bedroom at that point. Each of them wanting to check on her and Chibs handing her much needed painkillers."Now we know your both okay. I have halfsack fixing the bullet holes in your living room and Happy's getting antsy. He needs to know what to do with the scumbag." Clay questioned Jax. "I want to see him." Delaney stated to the shock of everyone in the room. "It's my turn to get answers. Also i have a question, has anyone else noticed this fucker only re surfaces after Tara rears her ugly head and causes an argument?" She could see everyone thinking it over. "Think about it, both times hes come back and attacked me its been when Tara has managed to seperate me and Jax." Chibs and Gemma nodded. "The bitch has to be involved some how." Delaney stood from the bed, "We'll im gonna find out." Jax tried to stop her but it was no use.

Delaney was determined to find out Tara's involvement in all of this.

She wanted Answers and she didnt care who she was going to have to go through to get them.

#jax teller x reader #sons of anarchy #jax teller #jax teller imagine #jax teller x oc #sons of anarchy imagine #sons of anarchy fanfiction

[yagamisdiary]

LEMME TELL U, 3 years ago i was talking to this guy and HE LITERALLY TOOK MY INNOCENCE AND BROKE ME. anyways he was manipulating and gaslighting my ass and my oblivious ass kept apologizing FOR HIS FUCKING ACTIONS. but anyways he took my virginity and DIPPED and the worst part was school was starting and guess what HE WAS IN MY FUCKING CLASS AND HE WOULD GET ANY CHANCE OF HIM TOUCHING ME AND FLIRTING WITH ME LIKE HE WAS ON MY ASS. and this was months later (we were done) he saw a hickey on me in class and he kept teasing me AND MY ASS PUT MY HEAD DOWN AND STARTED CRYING CUZ I WAS SO SAD CUZ HE HURT ME BAD. anyways 2 months i rlly wanted him even tho HIS ASS PLAYED ME HE LITERALLY WAS TALKING TO LIKE 10 DIFFERENT GIRLS AND HE KEPT “reassuring” me that it was nothing and shit and i LET IT GO. i was too deep 🧍🏽‍♀️ i wanted him back so i let him fuck me, when in reality I fucked HIM, THIS MF NEVER MADE ME CUM NOR ANY OTHER GUY HAS AND I FEEL LIKE IM BI OR GAY CUZ GIRLS ARE SEXY ASF but my religion forbids that’s shit but i already had sex so… anyways i asked his cheating ass if he was talking to any girls before we ducked and he said no.😐 SHOULD’VE NEVER BELIEVE HIS ASS BC HE WAS FUCKING THE GIRL WHO HE LITERALLY SAID THATS HIS FUCKING BLOOD SISTER. in the end i got high and i called him and til this day i don’t rmr what the convo is but we was done and THEN LIKE 7 MONTHS LATER HE TEXTS MY PHONE WANTING TO FUCJ AND I SAID WHY AND HES LIKE MY PUSSY IS GOOD. LIKE MAYBE HIS ASS COULDVE HAD MY PUSSY ALL HE WANTED BUT NOOOOO HE WANTED TO BE A FUCKING WHORE AND I SAID ILL THINk ABT IT AND I GHOSTED HIS ASS to let him know that it’s a no, but tell me why a year later HIS ASS TEXTED ME FOR A SNEAKY LINK AND I HAD TO MAKE THE BEST EXCUSE I HAD, anyways it’s now a year later and i haven’t had any contact with him😍 OH AND ALSO HES A FUCKING TARUS AND HIS NAME STARTS WITH A J

THERES SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH YHIS AND I WANNA START WITH THE FACT HE SAID ITS HIS BLOOD SISTER WHAT

AND A J NAME + TAURUS IS NASTY THATS WHAT MY EX WAS TOO

[sunfortune]

speaking of while you were sleeping gonna post my kdrama men who are on thin ice and kdrama men who are almost on thin ice list. from worst to not that bad lfmgkdfnkjdf

ji chang wook. at the absolute bottom. he is almost drowning. the amount of shows of his ive tried to watch. the CHANCES i keep giving him to get him off this list -_- and he FAILS every time. healer was the closest he got to having a right but even in that one as soon as they got into a relationship it became so awkward and weird. i think on top of picking terrible shows to lead. hes just bad at acting in love. i think thats what his problem is for me. anyway my fav work of his was the first couple eps of the K2 before i realized the milf wasnt his love interest (a hate crime btw). that was his peak tho of anything hes ever done. it was all downhill from there. he should just do action crime dramas i think. he needs to pack it up in the romcom genre

park seo joon. if it wasnt for a witchs romance he would be in the same boat as ji chang wook BUT im gonna put him in the middle bc he was adorable on that show. i think they should stop making him play stoic emotionless characters/CEOs/rich dudes. (secretary kim was ass i do not care how successful it was) he is just not endearing to me in those roles. i do not like him. they need to let him play a cute nerd again. he really shines with those type of roles. no more CEOs and stoic man character. enough of capitalismsexual

lee jong suk. the only thing that saved this man was the potential W had. WHICH it did NOT even meet btw! dnfed while you were sleeping. romance is a bonus book was so boring. but W. W! that show as a whole was...not great. and YET. AND YET! the concept, the chemistry between the leads, the potential it had! the way it had the most immaculate first meeting ever. and was SO close to getting it right but then didnt </3. it upsets me how good it COULDVE been. but lee jong suk was good in it so gonna give him a right. its not his fault the writing was like that. the job he was hired to do he did immaculately. props. his only almost good show tho. im sorry

song joong ki. okay my general rule is three strikes and THEN you get put on this list. and ive only watched 2 things of his so far lfdmgkdfmf so hes still safe and one of those two things was vincenzo which like with the amount of hype should have been better but still not enough to put him on this list. BUT the second one...was the innocent man. and well. that fucking show. NO drama has upset me like that one did. that one single drama was 3 strikes. and its not even song joong kis fault the WRITING was ass hes just the actor but it was SO badddddd and someone needs to PAY for that! one of the most unique kdrama plots with such interesting and cool characters (thats why it hurts more💔💔💔) and then the most fucking STUPID execution on earth! screaming and crying and throwing up. SOCIETY if they didnt water down moon chae wons character who was so fucking cool and angry in the beginning just so she could be the demure love interest [flying cars and futuristic buildings.jpg]

#dramas #i think thats it #ill get back to you if i have more men to oppress #or one of these men get rights and dont have to be on this list anymore

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, ep 12-16 thoughts! these episodes, in comparison to the first 10 or so, felt way more laid back and low-stakes, which I appreciate sometimes. I didn't appreciate how lazy jack's halfa design was in masters of time, it made me so annoyed I redesigned it. 👎🏻 u_u

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-'picking a fight with me and my upgraded form!' 'you upgraded to a mullet?' DANNNNY. YOU CANT SAY THAT TO TECHNUS. YOUVE HAD A MULLET TWICE NOW ('fun' split danny, and evil future danny BOTH HAD THEM). I HAVE THE RECEIPTS.

-danny seeing technus hurting valerie and yelling I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF. SAMEEEE <3

-axion labs is now a part of vladco. FUCK YOU VLAD. hes not even really IN this episode, but just thought I'd throw out a nice fuck you anyway.

-'capable of blasting a single person into space in (2) minutes!' tucker. that would kill someone. i mean yeah they might get to space, but theres NO WAY THEY WOULDNT CATCH FIRE, OR THEIR ORGANS WOULDNT LIQUIFY BECAUSE OF THE STRAIN. THEY'D PROBABLY PASS OUT BEFORE THEN, BUT. ...no, okay, I get why vlad bought this company. this is RIGHT up his alley.

-danny KNOWS VAL DIDNT DO THIS, THAT SOMEONE STOLE THE SUIT. AND SPENDING ALL NIGHT CHATTING WITH HER. <3 and val is a 9TH DEGREE BLACKBELT?? danny's mom is, too!! omg and she hunts ghosts, his parents would love her. and her fav fruit is kumquat bc its a funny word. im so with danny val is amazing. I love her and I Do Not Want To Hear It From Sam.

-I knew danny wanted to be an astronaut, but the bowling tidbit is like. yes give me more useless info abt these characters, I love tiny details that make them feel more human, and im glad hes got hobbies aside from ghost stuff, we dont really see a lot of that!!! (I mean, we knew 'fun' danny from when he split himself in half liked bowling, so obv it makes sense he LIKES it, but hes very GOOD at it. so proud of him, bowling king) val calling him neil armstrong and them teasing each other. LOVE THAT.

-technus you are my favorite grandpa for setting this up. SAM WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CREEPY BE HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND!!! STOP SPYING ON THEM!!! who actually cares if technus did 'set them up' together, theyre having fun and enjoy each others company!!! 'you think the universe wants you two to be together?' 'i dunno, but maybe /I/ do!' EXACTLY DANNY!!! SOO TRUE.

-and valerie being happy sam said she wants to try and be happy for them and make room at the lunch table for them. and hugging sam over it. VAL NEEDS MORE FRIENDS.

-VAL GOING AFTER TECHNUS IN HER SUIT WITH (1) MILK, AND (1) TREE BRANCH AND KEYS!!!. I LOVE YOUUUU BEST GIRL. her new suit kicks ass

-dannys like 'HEY IM AN ASTRONAUT :D' AW. ...HES IN SPACE... the fact he's actually intending to give her the ring. with SAMS NAME ON IT?? IM CRINGING DANNY NO. YOU CANT DO THAT...thank god he didnt. thank god valerie cut it off and said they can just stay friends for now. tbh, they both have a lot on their plates!! they obv both still like each other...it can be a future thing!! when she knows about phantom! youre 14 theres no need to rush. I just want her to have friends and be happy :(

-...danny struggles to do (1) pull up. SAME. but all the ghost fighting in phantom form REALLY doesnt carry over at ALL? that sucks

-sam being as fit as she is, is not just a goth. shes a goth jock.

-honey I Shrank Our Kid, One of his Enemies, and his Bully: the episode

-dash's crush on phantom is So Obvious. fitness buddies :) watching them interact always makes me laugh. also, phantom, with PANTS. 'how many costume changes you gonna go through, what is this, vegas??' DASSH DJKSFHASKDF

-MADDIE GOING AFTER THE MOUSE WITH A BROOM, WHAT THE FUCK. AAAH. JUST BUY SOME KIND OF MOUSE TRAP.

-danny likes lime and vinegar chips. which sound very good.

-'our boy finally has the physical prowess of a 60 year old president!' ...poor danny LMAO

-'what's wrong with beauty pageants' oh tucker you sweet naïve child. what ISNT wrong with them. who approved this for a high school?? (I mean, yes. unfortunately child pageants exist, but...) also danny and tucker once again treating the pretty girls like objects. I need to meet the grown man who wrote this, I just want to talk...

-prince aragon's dragon form reminds me of maleficent (color scheme wise) which is always a bonus. considering the episode is called beauty marked, I feel like the sleeping beauty references are deliberate

-sam with the fake fangs. once again her accessories never miss. hate the 'not like other girls, girls who get sucked into this kind of thing are all shallow and all want to be carbon copies' bs tho.

-sam trying to be the Worst Bride, being rude as shit. DORA IS GOING TO GET KILLED. DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE SHE SAID THE PRINCE WILL HAVE HER HEAD IF YOU ARENT THE IDEAL BRIDE. YOU /KNOW/ DANNY WILL COME SAVE YOU. JUST ACT CHILL UNTIL THEN. even if you were doing fine to get him to take off the crown, consider maybe not letting his poor sister get punished also?? sure, she could also take off the crown and has dragon powers, but did you know that for sure?? dora didnt even really realize it until you guys talked!! (or at least, she was scared to stand up to him. you had no guarantee she would...) but. good for dora. ANOTHER friendly ghost to add to the List :)

-tucker is so under appreciated in his time. if he was doing a tech-based campaign today he'd have a better shot. people in 2004 had NO IDEA how much tech would be a part of our day-to-day lives...altho. tbh if you're going to be running for student council president, maybe you should..focus on things to actually improve the school? since he's going for a tech angle, he could say like, he would be running fundraisers for the schools computers to be upgraded, etc? we've already SEEN he can be good at money-making entrepreneur type stuff!!

-oh my god wait. this episode is JUST YUGIOH?????! A REBORN PHAROH USING A TEENAGER AS A VESSEL?? YESSSSSS

-tucker using his new minion to feed him grapes and carry him. AND LOCUSTS ONTO THE BULLIES. I love how when he's possessed, he gains winged eyeliner.

-this episode is giving me big 'plankton makes everyone in bikini bottom his slaves and build monuments of him from the spongebob movie' vibes. and the pharaoh has a traitor who works for him? VERY big yugioh vibes. aknadin confirmed

-I like that danny is still completely exhausted after using ghostly wail. (still patiently waiting on him to get duplication)

-LOVE the fenton's 80s outfits. I get hes 14 and embarrassed by everything they do because theyre his parents, but. cmon, this is one objectively cool thing theyve done. love 80s fashion.

-...was vlad just standing on that streetlight waiting for danny to come out? how'd he know they'd be coming out the back? how long has he been up there???

-oh, wait, his ecto-acne has flareups? that SUCKS. danny was...well I dont want to say he was LUCKY HE HALF-DIED, but he was lucky his was pretty instant (I'm assuming that had to do with the power/scale of the portals being different?) I remember in the ep we met him, vlad made a point of saying he was stuck in a hospital for a long time, so. that really actually sucks and I feel bad. not that it excuses anything he's done...but like. it does suck.

-vlad being so sure danny wouldnt help him he made it somehow contagious to his friends to make sure he'd get help? danny is a nice boy, he wouldve helped if it was anyone else. the only reason he wouldn't have is because of the shit vlad did to him, on purpose. vlad 100% dug his own grave by being the biggest asshole, so it is very hard to feel bad for him.

-clockwork is back!!! and making danny learn lessons The Hard Way. Uhhh, okay. I kind of get Danny’s logic, that time traveling this far back would prevent vlad from becoming a halfa also, ergo no arch nemesis or ectoacne to worry about. But the fact that was basically the first solution Danny came up with to solve this problem is actually so funny. It’s so extreme

-APPRICIATION FOR THESE 80S LESBIAN BG CHARACTERS.

-vlad telling maddie in the lab (in the 80s) he has something he's wanted to tell her 'for a long time'...how long have they known each other? I assumed they met in college, since jack always calls vlad his college buddy/roommate, so jack and vlad for sure met in college, but did vlad know maddie longer? thats surprising if so. Tho we don’t know what year of college they’re in so they could mean they met as freshmen and a few years have past…speaking of maddie shes crushing the 80s look.

-vlad blames jack, but. maybe dont stick your face 2 inches from the portal??! THIS FEELS LIKE LAB SAFETY BASICS. IF SOMETHING HAS POTENTIAL TO BE DANGEROUS, DONT GET NEAR IT. WITH YOUR FACE UNPROTECTED IN ANY WAY. (altho jack didnt really give a Big Warning besides screaming BONZAI. so. also that, but cmon.) also, they need gloves, goggles, and to pull all of their hair back tbh. but fuck lab safety, I guess!

-cryyyyinnng at how lazy they were with jack's ghost form design, its just plasmius' design on jack!!! you couldve given him his own design!!

-there. I did that in about 10 minutes and its somehow less lazy than what made it into the show. embarrassing! better yet, I think the episode would've been better if maddie would've gotten the ectoacne. or maybe its just me, wanting to see her design! anyway. I'm sure people have already done redesigns of them both as halfas. I have to go look after I finish this watch through. Also mildly frustrated jacks resentment and bitterness is basically also a copy paste of vlads backstory. They’re different characters, I really don’t think jack would stew in bitterness and jealousy the same way vlad would!! I also don’t think he’d give up after one time of trying to hunt ghosts and getting laughed at. Our canon timeline says different…I dunno, I get it was for laughs, but I’m annoyed because the POTENTIAL this plot has…

-did vlad really wear a stupid cheese hat to his wedding. ok actually that kinda rules. and the cheese door knocker. the dairy-only buffet table. vlad still got rich, just on being the New Dairy King. (Assuming that means he owns a lot of dairy businesses?) ok! this actually is great. hope maddie isn't lactose intolerant!

-'no matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of my ghost half, the half I knew Maddie could never accept' ohh, ouch, what a horrible thing to say to her HALF GHOST SON. 'YOUR MOM WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU' BASICALLY.

-maddie strapping danny to the table with a lazer pointed at him in a secret lab she keeps from vlad that she makes a point of saying is sound proof so he can scream all he wants...CHRIST. DANNYS POOR PYSCHE.

-also, not to feel bad for alternate vlad (because, he did lie to maddie saying jack blames her and never wants to see her again...) but. being married to a woman 20+ years and she immediately goes back to jack? if she didnt love vlad and feels like she had to hide shit from him, and says she wasted her best years with him, WHY MARRY HIM. it feels like leading him on!!! cannot believe im feeling bad for vlad, but. this alternate timeline vlad is significantly Less Horrible than Our Vlad. did she not think she'd get funding for her ghost stuff? (which, fair assumption since they're considered 'ghost fanatics/nuts in canon...but...) why did she think jack or vlad would be her ONLY OPTIONS? be like your sister. be single. Actually, this au could’ve been really interesting if after the accident, vlad lied to her and said jack never wanted to see her again, but she stays single. Imagine how much that would bug vlad… like, in her mind, it was never a competition it was jack or no one type situation…

-danny being like 'leave him ALONE' this jack is a HOMEWRECKER, DANNY. let them go to court and settle this at the least. ...or just throw vlad into the portal. (100% human, defenseless vlad) CHRIST, MADDIE THATS BRUTAL. THATS MURDER.

-danny seeing his mom immediately accepting him and his dad being half ghosts in this universe, if I was him this would be a great sign that his universe's maddie would also.

-*maddie voice* "clockwork will help!" *2 seconds later, with clockwork* "I will Not Help." TOUGH LOVE KING. YES LET DANNY SEE THE SODA HIMSELF AND DEVOLP BETTER OBSERVATION SKILLS.

-when clockwork ""reset time to the way it was"" just before danny "meddled"" ...did he really erase a whole alternate timeline? ...damn. because maddie and danny both called it an alternate timeline by name, it splitting when the college incident went different, so it wouldnt have really mattered if he reset it, right. like because danny's timeline is on a different stream? why didnt clockwork just. show danny a replay and not Reset That Timeline. wh...I wonder how many people that Erased From Existence. Anyway! once again stating clockwork is casually terrifying!

#danny phantom #dp thoughts #sanchoyorambles

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw death and suicide

hi. i just need some reassurance please. this is something thats been haunting me for years but i once went to a gore site when i was young and completely forgot about everything until one day it all hit me again. i felt so much guilt and grief i would cry myself to sleep every night. it felt like i caused it somehow by watching those videos and that maybe if i just died i would atone for watching them or that maybe i couldve somehow saved their lives by never watching them die. whenever i try to talk about in real life i get choked up and cant talk. its been my biggest trauma for me. sometimes when all the guilt got really bad i would go onto the site again and watch more. the memories of it all have gotten fainter but honestly the worst part over the years is the loneliness of my trauma. it feels like no one has ever been through what i have even though logically i know thats not true. i feel especially lonely in the feeling that i think about those people alot and what their lives probably were. i feel an attachment to these strangers that ive never even heard of and sometimes i pray for them even though im not religous. i even think about if they would ever forgive me for it all and get scared that they wont. i know ive never met these people and i cant even remember their faces anymore but it tears me apart so much still. sorry if this is incoherent.

Hey anon,

It sounds like this has been weighing heavily on you for a long time. That must be really difficult to deal with.

The internet has a lot of things on it that are not appropriate for children to see or engage with. Lots of kids have been exposed to harmful material online and none of them are at fault for that. It is the fault of the people who make (often fabricated) and post these kinds of videos.

I hope you can find comfort in the fact that many of those sorts of videos are faked. That doesn't mean that the harm they cause is lessened, but it may help to know that not all of the people you saw were actually being harmed.

I understand why you'd feel like no one else has experienced what you have. This type of trauma is not talked about much. But more and more, people are talking about the trauma they experienced via the internet, and all of the things they were exposed to that caused harm. This harm is valid.

It sounds like you're really hurting and that the idea of the people in the videos being harmed is extremely distressing for you. You're feeling guilty for something you did not do. The shame around that can be really challenging. Shame diminishes your self-compassion and growth.

Some ways to overcome guilt and shame: - Forgive yourself. Acknowledge what you did and really see it for what it was. You were not maliciously seeking out graphic material. You do not have to punish yourself. - Ask yourself, "what was I looking for?" and "what did I need?" - Accept your feelings. - Practice self-compassion. What would you tell a friend in a similar situation? - Remember that you've grown and learned since then and you are now able to keep yourself safe online. - Acknowledge your judgmental thoughts and feelings about yourself, but don't give them weight. Just notice them and try to imagine them floating away. You don't need to get attached to every thought.

There is nothing you need to atone for. You haven't done anything wrong. You are not the cause of those types of videos. You did not hurt anyone.

Take care.

- Misa

#mod misa #trauma talks #tw death #tw suicide #guilt #shame #tw gore mention

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

oh nothing in a book has ever made me as angry as fucking pissed off as i am now about the end of chain of iron and i have a lot to say on it (i have more to say on the last few chapters of chain of iron than i did on the entirety of the folk of the air series)

ill start with being glad lucie was able to raise jesse but definite reylo vibes there and im ignoring the end of that so watch me ignore if lucie dies ill be like yea ya know shes just,,, somewhere else but i hated how many secrets she kept from fucking everyone i mean she didnt tell a single person the whole truth of anything shes got secrets on top of secrets and thats not good but hey matthews drinking isnt good either and no one but the lucie and cordelia ever really say anything about that so theres that and im not counting james’ you dont love anyone as much as you love that bottle or w/e he said bc that wasnt talking to him to try to help and get him to stop drinking that was just a hit bc they were fighting and i hate that i hate that they were fighting bc they wouldnt have been if it wasnt for that fucking bracelet and which has caused so many fucking problems that i could cry in indignation bc its not its not fucking fair james spent the last what three years of his life in a fog not being able to feel and not being able to notice his parabatai slowly spiraling into a drunken depression from something thats not his fault at all i mean yes it is his fault that his mother took the potion but it is not his fault that the baby died thats no ones fault but whoever sold him the potion and yea he shouldnt have bought it in the first place but he was kid and he thought that was the only way he could get the truth and its unfair its fucking unfair and alistair god alistair he knows what he did in school was wrong but he saw it as the only way and now hes trying to make up for it and apologise and be a better fucking person and thomas sees that and thomas loves him for that and alistair wont let himself be loved and its not fair and anna oh anna talk about not letting yourself be loved she put on such a good front she did but she shouldnt have ariadne loves her and wants to be with her fully with her but anna has to understand the stigma of that and why ariadne cant come out yet hell thats still a problem today but we wont get into that because anna clearly loves ariadne but shes too afraid of getting hurt again and frankly she should just go for it i mean so what if you get hurt again at least youll finally feel something because i know she feels nothing for all those other girls i know theyre just replacements for ariadne and it isnt fair and speaking    of   replacements    fucking grace fuck grace but fucking grace just casually destroying james life listen i dont give a shit how she grew up i couldnt care less about how tatiana treated her and how scared she was of her because if shed just fucking helped then she wouldnt have to worry about a damn thing from tatiana i mean theres a number of things grace couldve done she couldve told the merry thieves everything and they couldve defeated belial like they are now and then no one would be around to help tatiana and grace couldve told anyone in the clave about all of tatianas shit and then they wouldnt have underestimated her and she wouldve been in a proper prison and thus unable to escape so damn easily and thus not fucking able to get to grace okay shes a fucking idiot and i hate her and i hate reading about her and im fucking disappointed in her for not taking the damn bracelet off okay i had very fucking low standards for her but i hoped she would take the bracelet off and at the very least i thought she could fucking not manipulate him further like god damn girl james is a much nicer and understanding person than i am and he would try to protect her from tatiana if he knew that grace was being threatened by her if grace took the bracelet off and told him the truth he would help her i fully believe that but since he had to find out on his own he was furious as he should be but i dont think he had to be nice to her when she showed up at the end there i mean i wouldve just yanked her in the house and started yelling at her right there fuck pretending his still under that enchantment fuck talking to her in private okay id chew her out in the entryway its not like cordelia doesnt need to know she fucking does and i think her finding out by overhearing james arguing with grace is actually a fantastic way to find out because she gets to hear everything all of what james feels and all of what grace did completely unfiltered not that james would try to hide it from her but hed definitely try to soften the blow and i just think she needs to hear the whole truth and AND i really fucking hate when characters overhear only part of something and assume the worst and run away its so common and i hate it so much and i hate how she ran to matthews because i knew it was going to happen and i knew matthew was in love with her and that it was already straining their bond because no one fucking realised that james was madly fucking in love with cordelia because of that fucking bracelet have i mentioned have i mentioned how much that bracelet pisses me off i dont think i have lets get into it so how james was unable to feel properly for three years and how his head was so foggy he was unable to think properly too and how because of that he missed matthew becoming a drunk and how the merry thieves look to james as their leader so if james isnt saying anything about it then there must not be anything to say and how james was already in love with cordelia before the bracelet and thats part of why grace couldnt control him and how he loved her for years how he was in love with her for years how no one knew this not even him because everyone thought he was in love with grace how cordelia was in love with him but thought he was in love with grace how cordelia got married to him knowing she was in love with him and thinking he was in love with someone else how she could tell he wanted her but thinking he just wanted her body and that he was still in love with grace how she’d rather have some of him than none of him at all how he picked out everything in their house with cordelia in mind how he remembered that she loves chess and she never thought he would how he learned a whole other language for her how he immediately checks on her after every battle how everyone, especially cordelia, just writes all this off as who knows what because he cant be in love with cordelia if hes in love with grace and hes obviously in love with grace how no one could ever notice there was something wrong because they were feeling the effects too how james was so in love with cordelia that that love unintentionally broke an enchantment made specifically for james by a Prince Of Hell one of the most powerful beings the entire species will ever meet and i think that covers the gracelet situation but i keep thinking of the scene where the bracelet cracks when grace first went to curzon street and kissed james and james’ mind literally thinking it was cordelia because who else would he be kissing and afterward grace saying ‘i dont know who you think you were kissing, james herondale, but it wasnt me’ and im like damn right bitch get fucked but back to cordelia running to matthews okay i know she didnt know matthew was in love with her so she wasnt doing anything wrong going to him but i kept thinking they were going to kiss or something because we all know matthews in love with her and there were a bunch of hints that cordelia might be attracted to matthew and she was upset about james and i just kept thinking something bad would happen and i was right but shit i didnt think id be like that i had no idea matthew was leaving for paris and even less of an idea that cordelia would join him and the thing is i cant even be mad i cant blame her i would probably do the same thing hell id probably ask to go with and im very proud of her for saying she’d go If matthew stops drinking i really appreicate that and i hope he gets better but the all those misses how james left the house only minutes after cordelia and arrived at matthews only minutes after they left and how he could see them at the train station could see them getting on the train and leaving and leaving him behind because his sister is missing and he shouldve ran and caught them and begged them to stay if not just to help find lucie because they both think of lucie as a sister and they absolutely wouldve stayed to help her and then there would be the chance for james to explain the gracelet situation and everything would be fine it would fine eventually and everything would be okay but NO and ive said a lot but i havent even mentioned cordelia being a paladin for fucking lilith yet where did that come from i was not expecting that ill tell ya see i thought it was odd that wayland the smith would still be alive and that it wasnt mentioned in any of the other books and i thought it was odd that some apparently god-like blacksmith would be wearing such an elegant jeweled necklace and i thought it was odd that magnus would be back from the spiral labyrinth for just a day and would be staying with hypatia instead of ya know his own place but shit id never have put it together as one person let alone lilith and i cant say it came out of nowhere because it said that edom used to be liliths so it would make sense that she would want belial gone so she could have it back but still that was unexpected but im not disappointed i mean im obviously upset that cordelia is now pledged to the mother of demons and feels like she cant even touch a weapon speaking of which what did she do with cortana where did she put it she said she dealt with it which makes me nervous but we know she couldnt have broken it or anything a) because i dont think she physically can and b) emma has cortana later but i think cordelia should keep cortana close since its the only thing that can mortally would belial and apparently he only needs one more before something happens im guessing before hes like gone gone so she definitely needs cortana and lilith wants her to kill belial so i think she should and if shes stuck as liliths paladin after that and never wants to touch a weapon again so be it but get rid of belial first ya know anyway i think there was something else i wanted to say but i cant remember so if you read all of this holy shit im sorry thats a lot i hope it was entertaining at least and i hope i didnt also get you pissed off

#chain of iron spoilers #chain of iron #coi #choi #the last hours #tlh #lucie herondale #jesse blackthorn #lucie x jesse #secrets #matthew fairchild #cordelia carstairs #cordelia herondale #james herondale #james x cordelia #drinking #the gracelet #the bracelet situation #parabatai #alistair carstairs #thomas lightwood #alistair x thomas #anna lightwood #ariadne bridgestock #anna x ariadne #grace blackthorn #tatiana blackthorn #belial #prince of hell #enchantment

[thornsofdeath]

phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

#phf #purple haze feedback #fugo #pannacotta #pannacotta fugo #fugo pannacotta #jjba #jojo #mista #guido #guido mista #mista guido #giorno giovanna #giorno #giogio #fugio #vent #rant

[g00by3]

i am genuinely such a bad person. down to my absolute core, i am absolutely awful. im so toxic and manipulative and always searching for attention. i need other ppls validation to feel good abt myself, otherwise i feel like nothing but a fraud. thats why i overshare so much, i need ppl to validate that what i went thru was bad otherwise what happened was nothing. im convinced im lying abt everything, i dont know whats real or not anymore. i could just be typing this into the void and just be tricking myself into thinking ppl care. any one of my countless attempts couldve worked, n i wouldnt necessarily know. anything i did before my death didnt matter, and whatever im doing now after my death doesnt matter either. i hold no meaning in life at this point. im just good to be hurt and hurt others. i do my best not to turn into any of the abusers, but deep down ik im just as rotten as them. i say things w/o thinking and w no second thought, i hurt others. i tell myself what im doing is bad n do everything in my power to change but it never lasts.

i keep filling my life w relationships (platonic, romantic/sexual, stronger familial bonds) and self-harm thru any number of means just to not feel as empty. but i still always feel empty. i make pathetic attempts at relapses and addictions and its the only time i feel alright abt myself. the only time i dont hate myself is when im hurting myself. i force myself into bad situations bc ik its what would make someone else happy, and act so impulsively. im constantly on the brink of cutting off all relationships and isolating myself from ppl i consider loved ones. ik it would be better for everyone but then who would give me that validation i so terribly need? i mute messages and chats bc i know ill snap at ppl one of these times. im constantly getting annoyed and irritated at other ppl showing me that they care for me or checking on me or claiming to love me. i dont know if any of these ppl mean anything to me honestly. i dont know if im actually capable of caring for another person and loving them unconditionally. someone says one thing that i cant process healthily, and suddenly im on edge around them and feel like i cant trust them. everyone is lying to me. they cant possibly care for me, im too bad of a person.

i deserve to hurt. i deserve all the pain ive received, i deserve even more. i wish it could just be an endless cycle of abuse so that way i actually have a meaning and a purpose. im nothing but a sick child right now, but ppl just love to hurt sick children like me. i have no value to myself, but maybe if im able to please someone else i wont hate myself so much. just maybe. i dont know what its like to love myself. there are times ill love one or two things abt myself but in the end, theres more things i despise than like even the slightest. im nothing but bitter and broken, i shouldnt hurt ppl like i do but all ive known is that hurting makes ppl feel valuable. is that how i show my love?

i cant get myself to care when ik i should. im either way too empathetic or show no empathy at all. as soon as someone else is struggling, i have to do everything i can to help. otherwise, whats the point? if i cant help others, why do i exist? but once their venting gets too repetitive or they dont listen to anything i say, i snap. i say things i shouldnt say to a struggling person. then i go and vent abt the same exhausting things, day in and day out, and always expect them to help me. i struggle and blame it on everyone but myself. im a god, and can do no wrong. i cant get better as long as someone else i love is struggling. i cant possibly be the "okay" one, i dont know what thats like. i dont know what being "okay" is like. i have to be the worst one, have the worst struggles and receive the most sympathy. ik its bad but i cant change it, no matter how hard ive tried.

ive done everything i can to get help. ive tried everything and nothing works. the only time i felt "alright" was during the times i was being hurt bc at least then i was pleasuring someone, making someone feel good. theres no hope anymore, im done trying. why do i even bother? i might as well give in, do every bad thing, cut everyone off, ruin any relationships i have, and damage myself even further. in the end it doesnt matter. ill die tragically at a young age (assuming i havent already died) due to myself but at least then it will be over. beyond my death it doesnt matter. i give up. once ppl know abt the things ill be doing, theyll leave me too. then i have freedom to hurt. hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt. hurting is all ik n i might as well reclaim it and do everything to myself. then ill have all the power. ill be the powerful one, not any of them. ill be god.

whats wrong w me?

#finch #tw abuse #tw vent #sorry this is heavy im just struggle #tw suicide #i nearly jumped in front of the train today #n also off the overpass #but i didnt? #n i went home n continued living normally as if nothing happened #im so empty

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

#asks #long post #friends

[domesticangel]

2 4 8 13 14 18 22 29 33/34 36 37 40 41 44 48 55 69 76 80 82 94 95 98? Sorry if that's a lot sfhsghsh there were so many to choose from!! U can skip some if u want

SDFHSJKDL NAH DUDE UR SO FINE I APPRECIATE U GIVIN ME SO MANY TO ANSWER !!! 🤠🤙🏻 I’m gonna throw this under a cut just bc. I Talk A Lot

2. is your room messy or clean?

HHHHH i’d say its more on the messy side lmao like its not too awful bad but i am rly bad about having The Chair™ that i pile all my worldly possessions on

4. do you like your name? why?

ive honestly never rly liked it lmao emily was apparently like one of the most popular baby names for girls in ‘97 so from grade school through college ive always been one of like at least 2 or 3 emily’s in each class kjhkjhfkj thats why i mostly prefer to go by emmy

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

i drive a 2002 ford taurus named tori and she’s my silver babby. she’s a very good car and i plaster her in as many bumper stickers as i can get my hands on

13. any siblings?

ye! one older brother. he’s like a cartoonishly stereotypical stoner but he’s chill so we get along

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

HMMM ive always thought colorado would be nice? i love mountains and i love cold weather and i feel like theres enough cities that id have an ok chance of getting a job in my field. somewhere in scandinavia might also be nice bc once again i like the cold and also ive heard their healthcare slaps

18. favorite tv show?

OOF idk if i could pick one fav but some I’m rly into and find myself rewatching a lot are scrubs, bojack horseman, its always sunny, archer, and dexter

22. do you go to the gym?

i do when I’m on campus just bc my school has a rly nice gym with a good running track but if I’m back home like over breaks and stuff ill just run outside. i sometimes go to the yoga/pilates classes my mom teachers at her local gym but thats about it

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

HHHHH well. the main thing that came to mind was 3 years ago when i was driving and took a turn too fast and accidentally crashed into the front of a lady’s car….obv i didn’t mean to do it but i definitely was being reckless thinking i could make the turn. i totaled her car (i was driving a mustang at the time and those mfers are built like tanks so only our fender got dented but her entire front end was crushed) but luckily everyone was physically ok. i def learned my lesson about being a dumbass and also don’t fuck w rwd cars anymore lmao…even to this day thinking about how badly i couldve hurt her makes me shudder and i haven’t been in a wreck since

33. favorite actor?

idk if i can pick a fav but dfhjshgkjsdf i rly like samuel l. jackson, jason bateman, and paul rudd

34. favorite actress?

HHHHHHH i love so many actresses it’d probably be impossible to narrow it down but ive been rewatching ahs coven recently and it reminded me how much i love angela bassett and jessica lange 😩❤️

36. favorite movie?

kjghdsgjsk IM SRY IM PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF NARROWING ANYTHING DOWN TO ONE BUT,,, some of my consistent all times favs are the kill bill movies and the kingsman movies

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i dont tbh i did when i was a kid but i always abandon books halfway through whenever i try nowadays,, i think the last book i read was the kite runner and its definitely one of my favs. i also like p much all of toni morrison’s books but beloved was my fav of hers

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

i think only twice??? once when i was RLY young for something i don’t even remember and again when i was still p young to get my tonsils out lmao

41. top 10 favorite songs

OOF ok favorites are so hard for me but some songs ive loved for a rly long time and always come back to are nightdrive with you (fear of tigers remix) by anoraak, countdown by beyonce, song of the sea by cake bake betty, surrender by cheap trick, bubbly by colbie caillat, ferrari by coyote kisses, that green gentleman by panic! at the disco, nightswimming by R.E.M., if it makes you happy by sheryl crow, and punk rock girl by the dead milkmen

44. what is your biggest fear?

JHDFKJLSHKJSGFK ok this is kinda morbid but like i have this specific fear of someone close to me dying and it depressing me so much that i like, am not able to finish school and pursue my career and i get like totally trapped as a result of grief that sustains itself by constantly reminding me that said dead person would be disappointed in me for quitting. Sweats Loudly

48. who is your role model?

prob my mom tbh which i know is. Cheesy but like. she’s been through so much shit and still came out the other end of it as this unconditionally compassionate and capable person and i just. thats what i wanna be

55. what is your dream job?

honestly this might sound sad but like? literally anything that doesn’t make me wanna die and pays well enough that i can pay my bills and have a little fun on the side?????? obv some kinda art career but as for what specifically I’m rly not picky tbh jfghjhf all i know is that id wanna work for a company as opposed to freelancing

69. do you play an instrument?

nope dkljhfsdjk im not musically talented in any way shape or form

76. what color looks best on you?

black or tie dye, no in between

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

probably just like? super negative people. like people that go out of their way to find negativity and complain about other things or people and have no desire to look on the bright side or enjoy the little things. like chill dude. we’re all just here to have a good time

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

HMMM i rly love pecan praline ice cream !!!

94. favorite lyrics right now

i honestly rly like the chorus from help yourself by sad brad smith,, “I know you’ll help us when you’re feeling better, and we realize that it might not be for a long, long time, but we’re willing to wait on you, we believe in everything that you can do, if you could only lay down your mind”

it just. makes me Soft. it reminds me of the ppl in my life that believe in me unconditionally and are patient with me and how grateful i am to have them and all the people that i love and believe in too and. Yeah 😩❤️

95. summer or winter?

winter 100% i HATE heat and sweating plus like 90% of my wardrobe is cold weather clothes fdljhksjkdh

98. favorite month?

HMMM probably november? its usually like the transition from fall to winter so you get that really nice crisp fall weather that flows into the super cold hot cocoa weather that i loooooveee

#txt #abt

[marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer]

MTVS Epic Rewatch #208

Don’t forget to vote on the season 7 polls!!

BTVS 7x21 End of Days

Stray thoughts

1) So this is how Faith is doing as the leader…

…and this is how Buffy is doing as the outcast Slayer…

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder who’s the boss… (maybe we should ask Abed.)

2) I don’t like seeing Faith hurt, but I do get a very sick (I admit it) satisfaction at seeing all these girls hurt and scared because they kicked Buffy out and they screwed everything up in the worst possible fashion. I know that by having Faith lead them into yet another trap the writers were trying to prove the point that what happened at the vineyard could’ve happened to anyone and that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault (Buffy will make this same point herself later on the episode.) Both Buffy and Faith were trying to do what they thought was best, yet it backfired. Shit happens yada yada yada. Yet I just can’t help but feel personally vindicated when I see Faith and the potentials fuck everything up so spectacularly.

On the other hand, not only was Buffy able to pull herself together after the group (and her friends! Her family!) kicked her out and made her feel like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but she also managed to A) get the scythe and B) make Caleb nervous, which was a first. So yeah. #teamBuffy

3) So why exactly were the Scoobies looking for Buffy? I mean, didn’t they kick her out literally the day before? And now they’re suddenly worried about her or something? The only person who followed Buffy after they all kicked her out was Faith. Faith! Do you see how wrong/ironic that this? Do you see how painful it must’ve been for Buffy not to have NONE OF HER FRIENDS – not Xander, not Willow, not Giles, not even her own sister! – go after her to see if she was okay? To ask her where she was going or what she was going to do? The only person who showed any concern whatsoever about her was probably the only person she would’ve labeled a potential enemy. 

Damn you all, I’m still pissed off. I hate this. I hate having to feel this way about the characters I’ve loved for seven seasons in the FINAL EPISODES OF THE SHOW. It just feels so wrong, but I can’t help but HATE THEM. What the hell was this fucking writing choice? I hate it. I hate everything about it.

4) If I have to say something in favor of Kennedy is this, when shit hit the fan, she was the only one who wasn’t screaming like a moron and who was actually trying to fight off the Turok-Han. So yeah. The girl got spunk.

5) But she’s nothing compared to our designated BAMF.

6) No one is kicking Buffy out now, HUH? HUH???????????????????

7)

Yes. Yes, you did.

8) And this is exactly why they shouldn’t have kicked her out or “rebelled” against her or whatever the fuck they thought they were doing.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It's not her fault. That could've just as easily happened to me.

9) While I do appreciate the pun and the side glances between Buffy and Willow…

I still feel it’s very wrong they’re all just talking and Giles is playing around with the scythe as if the last time they’d been together they HADN’T HUMILIATED BUFFY AND KICKED HER OUT OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? In Willow’s own words, you're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Like, I know the apocalypse takes precedence, but maybe say “sorry for kicking you out” and “thank you for saving us AGAIN”.

10)

11) Again, I get the same feeling with Xander. Like, did they all suddenly forget they had left Buffy alone and kicked her out of her own house? Xander is all like, “I don’t need you to protect me just because I lost an eye” but literally a day before he was telling her it was HER fault he’d lost it, and using that as a justification not only for removing her from her role as a leader but also TO KICK HER OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE. And now it’s just like nothing ever happened? How is that possible? How is literally no one apologizing to Buffy? And not only is he not apologizing, but Buffy is telling him that he’s her heart and the reason she’s still alive, which okay, it’s all kind of true, but he’s also the guy WHO BLAMED YOU FOR LOSING HIS EYE AND WHO KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE THE DAY BEFORE?!

I didn’t know that End of Days could make me as angry as Empty Places but here I am.

We’re 14 minutes into the episode and still, no one has apologized to Buffy and they’re all pretending like they didn’t turn their backs on her and it’s pissing me off. I hate feeling this way in the episode prior to the series finale. This is not how a fan should be feeling right before the show ends!

12) Not only do I know what a glottal stop is but I’ve also learned how to pronounce it. Or at least I was able to pronounce it a few years ago. 

13) And hence the fate of Miss Kitty Fantastico was finally revealed…

DAWN Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

If you must hate Dawn, it should only be for this.

14) Did anyone really believe Xander would hurt Dawn?

15) What was the point of this scene…?

…I mean, other than to give us Nathan Fillion’s orgasm face?

16) And this is the difference between Buffy and the rest… just remember how everyone reacted and treated Buffy after the vineyard, and see how she acts here after literally the same happened with Faith in charge…

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn't blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are or how smart you are. War is about death. Needless, stupid death.

She’s understanding and reassuring, she’s not pointing fingers or kicking people out. And that’s why she’s a hero and the rest are a fucking bunch of morons. I’m sorry, I’m still so angry about Empty Places and this episode is not making things any better.

17) But I do love when my two slayers see eye to eye…

FAITH So, here's the laugh riot. My whole life I've been a loner.(…) No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than... (…) Me, by myself all the time. I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that's you every day, isn't it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.

FAITH There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

This is something that had been a long time coming. Since day one, Faith had envied Buffy. Just like Buffy saw in Faith her road not taken, Faith saw in Buffy the life she could’ve had but didn’t. She envied it and she wanted it for herself. She literally tried to steal it away several times. So if she couldn’t have it, if it wasn’t meant for her, then she could take Buffy away from it, drive her to the dark side, where she lived. Every attempt was futile, even stealing Buffy’s body and literally taking her life. It only made her feel more undeserving, more inadequate, more unworthy. But every time she’d taken a shot at being the leader, it was by playing tricks, by taking what it wasn’t rightfully hers. This time around, she had somehow earned it. There was no foul play on her part. Others made the decision for her and gave her the role she’d craved for so long. And she finally understood that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Yes, Buffy did have friends and people who looked up to her and cared about her. But when push comes to shove, when tough calls must be made, the Slayer is always alone. The weight of the world is only on her shoulders, and she can’t share the burden. It took four seasons but Faith finally got it. And she could finally let go of all the envy and jealousy.

18) I just love the fact that for the first time Buffy is the one who opens up to Spike. She’s always been the one who pretends there’s nothing between them and who skirts around her feelings and dismisses his. But not this time. And for me, it was enough that she acknowledged that it meant something, even if they – and we – don’t know exactly what that was.

BUFFY You're a dope.

SPIKE I'm a what?

BUFFY You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty.

SPIKE Have you gone completely carrot-top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.

BUFFY Spike...

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah... I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.

BUFFY You don't have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don't know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No. Not right now.

19) Update: 29 minutes in and I’m still waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

20) Am I the only who thinks this speech is okay but like, the writers were trying too hard to give Anya her “Anya Speech Moment” of the season and it kind of feels a bit, I don’t know, forced?

ANYA Well...I guess I was...kinda new to bein' around humans before. But now I've... seen a lot more, gotten to know people... seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed-up they all are. I mean really, really screwed-up in a monumental fashion. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die...which they...they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane. And yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

21) #priorities

22) And in another episode of Plots Totally Pulled Out of the Writer’s Ass… (a.k.a. Joss Whedon Tries to Rectify the Fact that He Wrote a Bunch of Men Violating the Original Slayer by Putting a Demon Inside of Her and Thus Utterly Destroyed the Whole Slayerness Equals Feminism Theme)

WOMAN We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...

BUFFY Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

WOMAN Ahh, yes. Then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

BUFFY Oh! So you're like... what are you?

WOMAN Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Okay, I get it, I get what you were trying to do, but it was so fucking obvious, it was so transparent. Like, I know most of the so-called metaphors in this show were not so subtle (think the fucking monster-penis in Doublemeat Palace, for instance.) But the feminist struggle in the slayer vs the council struggle was always something that I personally enjoyed. And this is how Joss’s brand of “feminism” began to crumble down, in my opinion. This is what a white dude who is a self-proclaimed feminist believes to be a Good feminist storyline, but it’s so clichéd and self-evident it's almost cringe-worthy. Like, you get a bunch of Evil Men quite literally raping a Poor Woman, who is faked Empowered (her powers were lent to her by the Evil Men and the source of her powers is Evil, Demonic in nature because  duh! she is a Woman)  so that they can Manipulate her and Use her for the benefit of the Patriarchy. But oh wait! This is a Feminist Show! So in spite of what the Evil Men who were supposedly the Powerful ones did, there always were These Great and Powerful Women behind it all, the True Guardians of the Slayer, This has been a Matriarchy all along, you see?! PLOT TWIST!

Yawn.

The worst part? I can imagine all the writers patting themselves on the back for writing such a groundbreaking and Feminist storyline and for sticking it to the Men.

23) And btw, just to show you how big a Feminist Show this is, we get this…

I guess since this is a Feminist Show and Angel is the hero here and Buffy the damsel in distress, that makes Angel a woman, right?

But hey, at least he (or she?) literally let Buffy deliver the lethal blow…

24) And yes, this totally makes sense!

because Angel has not claimed to be in love with Cordelia and Buffy has not just had her more honest heart-toheart with Spike. Let’s just disregard whatever arcs have been developed in both shows in order to deliver a Ship Moment for the Bangel fans, right? Who cares about character development, right? Because I’m positive this is what former lovers do after not seeing each other in over a year, being currently emotionally unavailable, and facing the greatest evil of all. Suck face.

25) Update: minute 42 and I’m STILL waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

26) Sorry for the bitter rant! 

27)  If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

#Buffy the Vampire Slayer #BTVS #Buffy Summers #Faith Lehane #The Chosen One #MTVSepicrewatch #mine #recap #End of Days #BTVSrewatch2015 #btvsrecap

[sunshineonamission-blog]

sunday morning

1/27/19

I woke up yesterday morning and I didn’t know so much pain could stay in my body.

I called mom. I needed her. 

My eyes were swollen almost shut from crying. 

Heartbroken. But he didn’t break my heart. 

Everyone said the same thing. Mom, Dad, Alex, Amy. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. It’ll come back around. 

I picked up my packages at Speare and sat reading the Creative Habit for a second. 

A single lacrosse player in a white helmet and white shoes was practicing with a lax back outside my window and I cried. It wouldn’t be Daniel though. He’d still be in his peacoat. 

I went to Miss You Like Hell with Julia

I couldn’t breathe getting dressed when I realized I’d worn the outfit I was about to throw on - black tights and my denim dress with my pink bralette with my platform shoes- when I realized I’d created that outfit for the train ride down to Boston winter break to the park plaza. It’d be an easy dress to take off, easy to change into my sexy undies, I was so sweaty when we got the hotel that the entire sides of the dress were soaked from my armpits and we laughed. Change of plans obviously. I wore my new jumper. I’ve never worn it before. I wanted to show him how I looked kinda nice even though my eyes were smaller than usual.

Julia was very kind and listened and understood. It was really important to me that they all didn’t just have whatever Mia’s version of the story was.

The tickets at the ART were identical to my barbershop chronicles one. I sat with lead actress’s boyfriend and mother, who went on about how they’d been dating for 8 years and met in high school show choir. How they were gonna get married and she’d flown in for possible mother-in-law points. How her last show was at the Seacoast Repertory Theatre in Newburyport. That hurts. That hurt a lot. As either mom or dad said after, “Can’t make this shit up” 

The play was incredible. Relevant and necessary and breathtaking. It hurt. And I am in a raw state of being. So everything hurt doubly. When she sang “I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of you. I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of us.” or “You are the bread and I am the hunger” I wept for this mother and daughter who are real they are real and this story is real. And selfishly, selfishly, I wept for myself. I wept for the loss of the love of my life. I wept for the fact that I couldn’t call Daniel after the show and tell him how incredible it was and how I wanna direct something like that. 

At intermission I opened my phone to a long text from Amy. I stood up and suddenly was outside the theatre and I was crying so uncontrollably. Somehow the most painful words there were the first ones. “Hi sweetheart. I talked with Daniel today.” Because of everything that meant. Because it means it’s real. It’s real. Because it means she talked to Daniel my Daniel about how he’s not my Daniel anymore. 

I wish it didn’t happen yet. It had to. I wish it didn’t happen on that day. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I hope he knows I didn’t give a fuck about that party. I think he does. 

I hope he feels the way I do, still. I hope that he feels like we did the right thing but God I hope he wants to take it back as much as I do. That’s selfish. I know that. I don’t want him to be in pain and this is the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. I called Dad when I got home last night and he said it might be permanent it probably is and I screamed that I didn’t want it to be. I don’t want it to be. I wish I could’ve said Daniel. Wait for me. Live your life. Have fun. Love it. Grow. But wait for me. And the thing is, that’s our hope. He said he’ll never not be thinking about me. I believe him. Because I know him, and fuck any hard time I’ve ever had believing him. That boy says only what he means. But I know that life continues. And I want his life to be magical. And I wanna be in it. And I wanna run back to him next week and say was this enough? Is it time? 

But i will see him again. Soon.

I hope we can keep in touch a little. I really think I need that. 

He’s my best friend.

I will never fall out of love with him.

I will always love him.

Right now I miss my best best friend. 

And I can know this: that when I have figured out these things:

How to love myself fairly unconditionally  -or at least not to hate myself. Not to swallow myself. To be kind.

How to make certain my self-love is fueled by my own satisfaction with Who I Am and not how others praise me. 

How to make my own happiness and not let it hinge upon the satisfaction of others with me. 

How to make choices for myself. 

If not what I want to do for the rest of my life, where I’m going next. What do I want now. 

And then, how to get it. 

When have figured out these things, I will find him. I will knock on his door. I’ll say hi. You are the love of my life. Is it time yet? And maybe it will be and maybe it won’t be but someday it will. Someday, someday, it will be. 

I woke up in my Grinch PJs with makeup contacts bra and two layers of shirts and a feeling like there isn’t joy in the world for me. 

I am about to have a productive day and try my very best to get everything done for tomorrow without staying up too late,

I’m gonna try to make Angels fantastic. 

I’m gonna explore some options.

[forethan21]

18/12/2020

To me love isnt about staying in a relationship or dwelling on a feeling. Love to me is bending but not breaking to compromise. It is the kind where you know when to let go in hopes to trust for the best to come, the kind where you empathise, showing vulnerability and completely surrender. (Remember when Jesus died for us in the cross? Diba he gave his all, his everything just so we can live. That should be a standard in our lives. To choose someone who would do anything to just be with us without questioning our worth. Never settle for someone who gives half of their heart. Its all or nothing.) The kind that is mature. Love is what you do despite of what you feel. The kind that fights for the good of someone else even if they never see the value or sacrifice that you did. (Thats what Jesus did. He never complained when he was on the cross. All the pain and burden he endured bc he loves us. And look at us now not even recognising how amazing he is. We took it this life for granted- some of us are wasting it, choosing people for our own accord and pleasure. Im saying this in general im not hinting it on anyone, but if the shoes fits then..) The kind that demands temporary surrender of security, giving up familiar bad habits and patterns, giving unrewarded works and efforts. The kind that challenges you in so many ways. Love wasnt made to be comfortable. It was made to show change and growth.

Not gonna lie tho i loved you for you and everything youve done. Those memories are dear to me bc i knew you tried no matter how difficult it was to love me in some days. Kaya gusto ko lng magpasalamat dun. Likewise, something i learned recently was that we should never question someone elses love for us regardless if it was inadequate. Bc i realised we should be thankful for the amount of love and care we receive from any person out there. Family, friends, lovers. That itself should be enough. Its not up to us how much love they should give to make us feel satisfied. That wouldn’t be love. The greatest love you could ever receive should come from you and the Lord not from anybody else. So i just wanna tell you that i take back those times i questioned your love. Bc what you gave was already enough.

Im sorry i couldnt wait for you to change. Bc i realised if you knew how to love me the very first time I wouldnt need to tell you anything. I wouldnt feel hurt bc im rest assured that you love me enough to know what to do. It didnt feel mutual to me.

When u came bck with your letter idk it seemed like there was something missing. Committment and plans. Maybe i was hoping that youd take me back but i guess it was the opposite. And maybe that was your answer after all. To tell me that you arent staying. I hope next time you go into a relationship po, you dont assume the worst. You dont jump into conclusions when it gets tough. Bc like anything can change if youre willing to do it. You need to trust the the other side will stay. It was the way your mindset was so fixed on the idea that I will leave. That i was making excuses. Ndi pow. I jst have standards. Oo tao ka lng, you make mistakes but how do i know tht youre not gonna make the same mistake again? Im jst protecting my heart po. I guess i dont wanna experience the same trauma again.

I hope someday na you will learn to see the good in people regardless if they did u wrong pow. (idk lng ha pero I dont think youve moved on sa ex mo pow. I feel like you havent fully forgiven her and accepted what has happened. I know it hurts to know that they betrayed you like that but your worth is not defined by them po. You did your best po and if she did not recognised that then thats her loss. This is partly what keeps u holding bck. Bc u didnt get closure. I hope you reflect on that and find the closure that you need po. Dont tell me you dont need one bc i know deep in your heart that it still hurts. Like bruh the fact na sure na sure ka na sa kanya u were ready to put a ring on her finger. You were hopeful and certain. I think it was meant to happen to test you both in your worst. You had your mistakes. She had hers. Dont you think you should close tht chapter of your life before starting a new one? Or more importantly, dont you think you deserve peace? Ill leave you to think bout tht). I wasnt trying to find something wrong jst to let you go. If i did i wouldnt put myself in a situation where I will lose my friends po.

Ethan i understand you. I understand your fear of giving too much to someone who youre unsure of and thats fine. But you need to accept the consequences of your mistakes. You need to take responsibility of it and what you couldve done to fix it. (Reflection is very important.) Youre not wrong for not knowing that but again you need to reflect in every situation in your life. It doesnt matter if you were right or wrong. Its important to do this bc the next time it will happen to you, you will know what to do. reflecting really helps you to step back and understand yourself, other people and the surroundings. It helps with analysing your own feelings, emotions and as well as understanding the depth of your own thinking. You need to consider other people’s feelings too. Understand their point of view and why they did things that way. 

I told you yesterday that what happened in the past does not define you. You may have done them so wrong but i hope your realise youre not in debt to them. I remember your story about what you did to the girl. Yung trauma mo sa kanya you gotta let it go pow. You dont need to blame yourself every day for something that youve no control of. You did it out of anger. and she threatened you bc she has her personal issues as well. She was showing wat kind of person she was. It does not put a label on u. So far as I know you havent apologised to urself for what had happened and u havent forgiven her for what shes done. Whenever youre mad po dont let your emotions get the best of you. Give space and time. Step back from the situation and reflect. count to ten and reorganise your thoughts and feelings. What happened? what made me feel that way? what can i do to fix this? 

The way i see it lng ha pero it felt like youre pitying yourself. And i want o reassure you that i recognised all you did to keep this relationship. The fights where you communicated with me, the times where you waited for me to explain, the support you give, and how you made me happy each single day. What youve done until this day is enough. I cant emphasise it enough. Ndi ko yun binalewala lahat. I saw your effort. Thats why i fought for u. Bc alam ko ndi ka ganun na tao. Kc alam ko na they have perceived you wrong. I saw the good in you. I saw that youre worthy of change. Everyone does pow. That was the purpose of it all.

But ldr is frickin hard. Being in a relationship is difficult enough let along ldr. Jst thinking about the amount of trust u hav for ur partner dang.. you need to fully invest on trust yo. How to overcome and resolve issues esp if theyre like me haha. Its hard for sure to do tht kc even ako may trust issues but it is possible. But as of now theres many areas in your life that you need to fix alone. Im not saying that im right ha. I could be wrong in so many areas about you that idk of but this is based on knowing you for months. im not saying you have a problem internally cuz we all have problems po What im saying is that there are some things we need to learn from others as well. Its a matter of listening and comprehending what theyre tryna relay and teach u.

Also asking for help isnt a weakness. (Idk but i cud feel you were mad that I reached out to your mother. Bro i know na kaya mo nman maging independent and i know na ayaw mo lng maburden yung parents mo with your problems on top of theirs but its gud that alam din nla ang anak nla is struggling and needs emotional support.) Its realising that we are deserving to feel and be emotionally supported. so dont ever feel bad for reaching out and admitting that youre struggling. after all were only human.

Though i never said anything i lowkey promised that I would not give up on you (sinsabi ko sa sarili ko to) bc i wanted to show you what its like for someone to stay. You told me about your past and struggles and i did everything i can for that not to happen again. You told me what broke your heart and I nver wanted you to feel anything like that in the relationship. More like i ensured that my intentions for you are pure. But somewhere along the way i came to realise that we both need to grow seperately. Not bc i gave up on you but bc i decided to think about myself and what i needed. I dont wanna text you and talk to u bc i respect you that much to know that this isnt the right time for both of us.

Being the way i am right now is for the best. Were both healing and getting the peace we need. God knows what Hes doing with us and i keep you in my prayers at night. Maybe someday down the line well meet again, at the right time. God will decide tht for us but for now ill be supportive of you in the silence. I dont wanna be civil cuz i know itll jst hurt you more esp since you have strong feelings for me. Dont worry my love for you will remain unconditional. But one thing i cant promise tho is that idk if my love for u will stay. We dont know what the future will bring. We may find our happiness in diff places. We may find it together. But all i know is i trust God to dictate my life. Thank you Ethan. Kahit paano i felt your unconditional love din. You can text me anytime if you need anything. Ill be here nman pow.

[gendrie]

im gonna do something i really dont want to do........and that is rationalize a couple aspects of the winterfell plot on hbo’s game of thrones

i know

i KNOW ok?? i dont want to do this either but while the entire thing is a hot ass mess its not *quite* as bad as people are gonna make it out. and as an arya stan? i have more reason to drag this shit. they did her so dirty in this episode. so go with me for a minute. 

sansa: sometimes anger makes people do unfortunate things 

arya: sometimes fear makes them do unfortunate things, i'll go with anger. 

(7x06)

this is the crux of whats happening and i actually like this bit lmao because its surprisingly true to their characters. ya know the ones in the book. sansa lies out of fear and arya clings to her hates. (arya’s also afraid but characters aren’t allowed to be more than one thing on this show. moving on) this works and its motivating their actions in this episode. 

the letter is a weak plot device and contrived af since sansa was forced to write it and played no other role like she did in the books (ie: revealing neds plan, arya’s location to the lannisters ect) but regardless arya believes she betrayed their family. their confrontation scene over the letter is actually, dare i say it, pretty on point. for the most part. it couldve done without the lines that were straight up snatched from tumblr.com but thats quality we’ve got to deal with. honestly something like this is gonna happen in the books too so everyone should just get used to it now. it’ll be 10000x better in grrm’s hands but that goes without saying. arya is furious with sansa for betraying their family. sansa is scared that arya is going to reveal what she did and threaten her position. they both strike low blows. 

then sansa has scenes with littlefinger and brienne. she confides in the former that arya would go against her if she thought sansa was going to betray jon. then she sends brienne away. sansa states she has plenty of men who can and will kill for her. but brienne? would protect arya. so sansa wants her out of winterfell in the event her and arya throw down. this is further supported by sansa’s discomfort in the sparring scene when arya states that brienne is sworn to both of catelyn’s daughters. sansa needs brienne gone to attempt to make arya more vulnerable. not that it would make a difference. arya is a force of nature. anyway. 

the scene that follows is fucking stupid lol. but lets get into it. sansa finds arya’s bag of spookies. before arya says much of anything sansa reflexively defends herself by stating she has a 100 men loyal to her. or whatever. thats a threat. arya responds in kind. but she takes the creepy up several notches. this bit is bad. it’s real bad. i just ??????? wanna kick d&d in their nuts. like as pissed off as arya is she is NOT going to talk about killing sansa and wearing her face. i could scream. i probably will before this is over. also arya is not going to leave braavos with a bag of faces. it doesnt work like that. this is the bit irritating me more than anything because its completely nonsensical. (how the fuck is she even drying these things?? they literally look like they’re from party city i fucking ??) the whole thing is just done for shock. i swear arya consistently gets the worst of this. the writers really love to just throw her characterization out of the window whenever an opportunity to be edgy comes along. but arya hands sansa the dagger after her threats. my interpretation?  she could hurt sansa very easily if she wanted but she doesnt. its also like a “bitch dont you dare betray our family again” warning 

so whatever. the writing is atrocious. this entire show is a pile of shit. but they’re *both* acting out in this episode because of fear and anger. which i guess is the point i wanted to make because i know how bad this entire thing is gonna blow back on arya. ultimately this mess is all d&d. my humble request is to keep that in mind before dragging arya over poor writing :) 

#like the bag of faces is driving me CRAZY #just from a logistical standpoint lol #it makes no fucking sense #arya needs to burn those before gendrys gets to winterfell #i dont want him stumbling across that after they bang #a mood killer if there ever was one #got spoilers //// #this season needs to end #my blood pressure cant take it #i will prob reblog this on sunday #but the hate is already starting #so lets just jump right in

[agentporange-blog]

Im afraid that its the last time ill hug all the spotlight, i know it sounds selfish but im always accustomed to being the one who's the talk of the town about anything... And when he came into my life everything is changing and everything did change. I just now realized how talent beats hardwork. No matter how much effort i put into anything if there is someone born with an instinct with what im putting effort unto... I just failed in comparison and i hate that all of my friends that is in my very little, (and if i mean by little like less than ten people) circle of friends are changing their opinion towards what I am capable of. It just hurts my very soul that years of hard work would just amount to nothing because people are super easy to persuade into changing their minds. And even if i try something im afraid people will just look at me and say "you're so last year" "you're all washed up" its like hitting a writer's block but no way to overcome it... Atleast not right now. I want to keep on waiting for IT to hit me the something that'll push me to do things that would help me be that person again, be that idea guy and has the passion and will to back it up. But waiting hasn't done anything. So i tried doing something about it... I've join everything that i could possibly enhance my skills possibly get experience and later would snowball into something greater than what i couldve imagine. But alas everytime i did try, i fail. Sometimes horribly but most of the times the worst thing that I've ever experienced. Each one more horrible than the last I've now came to an honest conclusion that im incompetent more than anything. I'd peak into something and thats it, its all downhill from there. Im just so tired of the same pattern over and over again and its just my fault nobody elses i can attest to that and im always ready to admit the truth than to fixate on a complete facade that nobody's fooling except morons.

After those realizations, i am now falling into a bottomless pit where i am either just waiting for someone or something to grab unto or just waiting for my inevitable downfall on a pit full of my sorrows I avoid calling contentment.

[taeminification]

hello. this is my letter to you, whose existence can never be replaced. the night sky is brighter with you in it, love.

i cant even begin to think that i would understand what you were thinking. i dont know that i want to feel what you felt in those moments. i dont think it is something you would wish on someone. but i wish that i could have been someone that would have given you hope. or at the very least that there would be someone that couldve gotten you the help you wanted and needed. but i have to come to terms with the fact that there wasnt. 

i remember waking up after a restless night. i wasnt able to sleep. something wouldnt let me rest. then i saw the news. and i knew.

my first thought was denial, immediately a stream of ‘no no no no no’ left my lips, and i thought desperately that this was some sick joke someone was playing, or that it was another car accident, but that there was a hope that nothing was final, that someone was out there fighting for your survival, that this wasnt the end. but you were already gone.

my second thought was the worst. ‘if someone like you couldnt do it, what is there for me? what is the point?’

but that wouldnt change anything. and i know without a doubt you would never want that of me or anyone.

i refreshed the page. you were an organ donor. 

i cried then, tears that i could never have even tried to hold back. even in your absence you are still here. helping people. helping them live. even when you werent.

i wanted to sit on the floor, to bawl my eyes out, but i had things to do, prior engagements. so i walked around my room, getting dressed like it was any other day, like you were still here, on the other side of the pacific, but still, here. 

my heart was heavy and my lungs were tight. it was hard to breathe. i felt my hands shake but still. i tried.

the day was brutal. nothing seemed to right to me, even the things i would enjoy felt empty, pointless. my heart ached for you, for your mom, for your sister, for your four brothers. for your family that would be missing you more than anyone else. and i thought about all the countless lives you touched. people you knew, people older than you, people younger than you. all the people you met, and even the people you never knew.

when i got home i finally let myself cry into my hands on the bathroom floor.

it is hard to say good bye to someone who so deeply influenced me during my youth. ive been a fan since debut, and i can even remember the first time i saw your debut music video from one of my school’s computer screens. i was in middle school then. soon i’ll be done with college.

and in all those years youve given me so much. to you, i am one more fan in your sea of admirers, and thats okay.  its enough for me. but for me, you will always be one of the reasons i had to keep living during times where it was hard to continue. i used to think about the ways i might say goodbye, but i would always remember you, and remind myself ‘no, i cant leave or ill miss out on new releases’. and maybe it sounds sad or corny, but it was something as simple as that thought that allowed me to keep myself alive.

and when i entered high school, i met so many new people. some of them already knew you, and i was so happy to be able to share my love for you with them. and there were those who didnt know you, and i was so happy to be able to introduce them to someone i loved. 

as the years went on, there were always new friends, new music, new people to love. but you have always remained in my heart and in my thoughts. ever changing but always present.

now, ive grown up, and i know that you too had times where you wanted to say goodbye. its hard and it hurts to think that you wanted to leave so many times before this. that you were not able to find your happiness here.

some might think it is selfish of you to leave like this, but i cant help but remember how selfless you were. for all your life you were always giving a part of yourself to those who wanted even a taste of your brightness. a part of your talent, a part of your beauty, a part of your smile, a part of your love. and still, even in death you keep giving. 

this winter is colder than ever to me, even when the sun shines so bright it feels like it might burn through my skin and bones. but i know that if you were here, you would probably quote some deep and profound saying about spring coming after winter, and i would probably laugh, but you would be right. but right now spring feels far away to me.

im comforted by the thought that you are still here, living on in others, and that your happiest moments and greatest accomplishments are with us forever. i will always admire your talent, your sense of humor, the way the room seemed to light up with you in it, like a star on earth. but all stars belong in the sky, and while i can only wish you stayed here longer, its a comfort to know that i am not the only one that will look up into that night sky and think of you shining next to the moon you loved so much. 

to you who gave us so much, i am sorry you could not find your happiness here. i hope i can find that happiness you wished for here, and that every life youve touched can find that happiness too. i hope that when i look up into that vast night sky, you see me, and you see every other person like me, and feel the love that we have for you. i hope that you do not feel sad where you are, and that you can see how loved you were. 

how loved you are.

even now, i still dont feel like any of this is real. maybe every day will feel like this. i dont know. 

a part of me died with you. i dont think i’ll ever get it back.

but a part of you lives with me and with every person who knew you.

and maybe one day that will be enough.

but for now, i will look forward to the next life, and i can only hope that i am lucky enough for us to meet again, and that we are both happy there. in this life and the next, and all the lives after that, and even before this one, i know that i love you. i hope you know that most of all.

and i wont say good bye, because it is not forever.

so good night, kim jonghyun. i’ll see you later.

#*