#it genuinely is not worth it to be online anymore and yet i feel like if i delete this thing i would have wasted all the effort

[kicksnscribs]

Firefox how do i make social media give me the dopamine like old times again???

#it genuinely is not worth it to be online anymore and yet i feel like if i delete this thing i would have wasted all the effort #but mannnnnn #this place sucks now #its lonely #i barely have anybody to talk to bc theyre all busy or already established with others #its like irl being the extra useless component #and then its like you try to put yourself out there and there is still nothing #the only interactions i feel i ever get are for negative shit and im tired #i feel like im only good for giving ppl what theu want and when i dont give it to them im left alone #i just want to talk to ppl about my stuff #and i mean talk WITH them not talk AT them #god give me the strength to delete bc i cannot do it myself

[usedpidemo]

so i went to my first ever concert and...(storytime!)

Generally speaking, I don't like the concept of concerts. For the longest time, I've never had any interest in attending one. I've been disillusioned by the idea of them as a whole, with no disrespect to people who attend them. Even before the global pandemic that shut down live events, ironically, despite being on my headphones/speakers 90% of the time, I don't like crowds and extremely loud audiences. It also doesn't help that many live artists nowadays are just not good stage performers or lipsync or in some cases, aren't as pleasing to hear as the studio mix that I could easily play on Spotify. My mantra, which has always been my mother's as well, was "Just listen to the CD." This also explains why I don't really buy CDs anymore and stick to streaming instead.

It's now 2023, and as the old adage goes, things change. I've become a K-pop fan, live events are back, and there's this push to have me leave my house a lot more than I should. I'm no recluse like Bruce Wayne, but I certainly don't like going out when I could be relaxing and playing video games in my spare time even as an adult. Growing up made me realize that there's plenty of things that I should do, even at least once. I'm nowhere close to dying—I think so at least—but I definitely felt the need add some spice into my life and have some fresh memories to keep now that the pandemic's over.

Anyway—I've never been to a concert, and my older sister's only concert experience was seeing Fall Out Boy when she was in her teens that she desperately begged mom to see, and she was all the way up into the nosebleeds. Now obviously I can't go and see IZ*ONE anymore (sadblob) and every big act carries extremely large demand for them. My sister failed to secure Blackpink tickets for their tour even with the membership presale, and the experience was so frustrating and damning that she stopped listening to the group for a while. There's so many things that can go wrong even as early as ticket sales, so I understood that any concert I wanted to go to should be absolutely worth it.

It was during our vacation back in February when IVE announced that they would be bringing their fan concert around Asia, with June as the set date. I can remember seeing it trend on Twitter while waiting in the car; the hype was fucking real. I knew I had to be there by any means necessary. The campaign began as soon as we got back to our hotel. They said yes.

One thing I want to say is: fuck online ticketing. It sucks, big time. Anything that can go wrong, can and will go wrong. Yet some part of me was so uncertain and wanted to test the murky waters again. I got in touch with a third party way before they announced the ticket selling date, and I was so fixated on the success rate of the seller, against the advice of my family. It wasn't until two days before ticket selling that I was given a proper talk, saying that it could be a potential scam and that I should camp out the night before to get the best chances. Ultimately, I gave in and settled at a hotel close to a hotel without many fans. They ended up being right. I ended up first in line and got the best package for a little over $200. It was so difficult to keep my composure the moment I got the tickets all the way till I got home.

Fast forward to a little over a month. The family also booked me a nice hotel close to the venue days before the show so we wouldn't have to face insufferable traffic. I couldn't sleep the night before the show—not because I was excited and all, but I was genuinely feeling restless. It ultimately didn't matter as my mood and overall energy never diminished once I woke up 2.5 hours after finally sleeping.

You just know it's gonna be a good day when the first sign is making new friends out of nowhere. At breakfast, I befriended two Japanese tourists for some reason. My smile was wider than it normally was. It's so weird greeting people with amped up optimism that at times, it felt like main character energy, which was typically uncharacteristic of me. Mind you, I only had 2.5 hours of sleep.

An hour later, venue time—at least close to it. The concert organizers and local fanclubs held a fanhub that was already filling up the floor with a line that stretched around in a loop. So I bailed and went to the cafe across the street from where the actual concert would happen to get free shit. Saved myself almost $25 dollars from buying the I'VE IVE album because of a cupsleeve event being organized by a remnant of WIZ*ONEs. A big W if you ask me.

I even met up with some of my readers too! Cray and Nomad, if you're reading this, it was great finally meeting you. It was awesome to fanboy and connect with guys I've been talking to online for the past two years in person.

Afterward, we went inside an hour before show start, and people were already screaming like they showed up and it was just staff bringing out towels and water bottles. Then the lights went out and holy shit, everyone lost their shit. It wasn't a sold-out show but the audience's energy made it feel otherwise. They were singing instead of following fan-chants.

It should surprise no one that everyone killed it. Yujin is the 4th gen ace and no one can tell me any different. Wonyoung was absolutely fantastic in crowd control and drawing the audience in and lived up to the center title. They added both title tracks from I'VE IVE and changed up two of the cover songs for the unit stages, otherwise the set remains mostly similar to the ones in Korea and Japan, the only difference being new outfits and alternate color ones.

I'm gonna dedicate this section specifically for Liz. Consider me bias wrecked. She was not only an elite vocalist but she performed like the rent was due, holy shit. Blue Blood (my favorite stage of the night) in particular really gripped me and never let go. I was genuinely shook at how terrific she showed out in the performances. If anything, she's the 2nd best performer of the group after watching the footage.

There was an emotional moment at the end as the show was winding down. The members were lined up for the group photo when a fan video played and half of the members cried. Leeseo, Rei, and Yujin all cried and it was a wholesome scene. Rei mentioned how this was one of their first performances as a full group following her health hiatus and she was moved by the overwhelming support of the fans. Wonyoung also promised they would return—hopefully later than sooner I'm not loaded at the moment—which invalidates the stupid argument international Dives were having on Twitter. The girls felt their support, cried their heart out, and that's all you need to know.

After the event, there was a hi-bye session for all VIP ticket holders. They sent everyone else out, so it started 20 minutes after the actual ending. They kept reminding us that we weren't allowed to record or take photos of the event, but apparently someone at Starship was filming the whole thing? So there's a possibility that I might end up on YouTube, heh. Since we were on the left side of the stage, we were among the last to go up and meet them.

Holy fuck dude. I wasn't nervous while watching everyone else go up and meet IVE, but once the staff told us to form a single line and we slowly made our way around the stage, my heart began to go buckwild. You just don't know what to say or do when that moment comes—like how do I make this memorable or at the very least, not cringe? One thing I do know was that we all agreed, as a section, to walk past them as slow as humanly possible; five seconds was not enough. I was so unsure of what to do as I slowly walked up the steps to the point I was practically mouthing 'Jesus take the wheel' or else I'd melt into a puddle, lose my shit, do something stupid, or maybe all of the above.

Jesus Christ. They looked so fucking flawless. You honestly couldn't tell they were sweaty and exhausted after performing for 2.5 hours.

From left to right, it was Rei, Gaeul, Wonyoung, Yujin, Leeseo, and Liz. Liz was the first member I met, and she completed my half-heart gesture. From there, my brain blanked for a good three seconds. My mouth was still uttering 'Kamsahamnida' but that scene seemed to stick long past that moment. I couldn't register Leeseo, Yujin, and Wonyoung's reactions—I knew they were smiling and waving—but then my brain suddenly went back up as I met Gaeul and Rei's eyes right as we made our way out. I went to the bathroom and uttered a relieved, awestruck 'Holy shit.'

God. I don't know if I will ever move on from such an experience. I'm still thinking about the interaction as I write this little thought diary, and my mind keeps replaying the interactions with Liz, Gaeul, and Rei. All of them had lovely smiles and were so happy even though they clearly were gassed out, and I was in utter shock trying to comprehend what had happened. Famous streamer IShowSpeed met his hero Ronaldo the same day as the concert and if you've seen his video, he practically plays out all the emotions I wanted to feel after meeting them. I've not played any K-pop after the concert aside from English versions of songs and most certainly I've avoided IVE songs aside from rewatching my concert fancams because I'll just melt into a giddy pile of goo watching it, telling myself 'I was there.'

My sister only listens to Blackpink. She agreed to take me to the venue provided I buy her tickets, so this was a consolation or redemption of sorts after failing to secure tickets for the Born Pink tour. She's a Dive now. She couldn't stop raving over Wonyoung's beauty but she eventually found all the members to be cute and beautiful. It feels great to finally share a sweet moment with my sister despite the turbulent relationship we have.

In an ideal world, I'll be watching Le sserafim and the other IZ*ONE members when they perform/arrive here. Of course, there's many obstacles in the way, and I'm not loaded with disposable income. Seriously, these tickets were more expensive than a veteran group and they're supposed to be rookies! But the entire experience—the energy, the performances, and the ending—made every coin I spent worth it. If this ends up becoming the only concert I attend in my entire life moving forward, I'm glad it was an unforgettable one.

Gaeul, Yujin, Rei, Wonyoung, Liz, and Leeseo, thank you for making my year and giving me a core memory I can fondly look back on. I fucking love you guys.

#update #storytime

[thepalmofyourfreezinghand]

You are one of a very few tumblr users that I follow with Taylor-related content, and I genuinely wonder with what you’ve been showing at the moment, where is your stand in the fandom? As an ex bipoc fan of Taylor who cannot listen to her songs anymore, I feel so confused with what you show with all the q&a and you still seem to support her music? I know you can do whatever you want as a fan and I don’t mean to sound like i’m attacking you. I just can’t understand how people preach on the way she goes against what she had showed in years and yet still stream the new songs like nothing happened, it’s quite confusing for me to see

Don’t worry, you’re not attacking me hahah. And I honestly feel quite confused myself most of the time.

For example, yesterday night I was about to go on another rant about Matty because I cannot stand people calling him “a leftist”. They were eating up his “advocacy” for Scottish independence which is honestly laughable because the Scottish self-determination movement is probably the most supported and less controversial one in the entire world, especially after Brexit. Like, call me up when he tells his government to get the fuck away from the Chagos Archipelago, for example. Preaching for Scottish independence is hardly leftist.

But then this morning I woke up and the first thing on my mind was going online and checking the surprise songs. And when I realized that she had sung False God (which is literally my third favorite song from her ever) I proceeded to watch like ten videos of the performance.

It’s difficult to get over her and get over what she means to me, because when I think about my highest and lowest points in my life in the last fourteen years, her music was always there.

And it’s not the first time I’ve felt seriously disappointed in her. A few months ago, when she encouraged people to get up and applaud for Nicki Minaj (a woman who’s doing exactly what Taylor is doing, only her partner is obviously much worse than Matty), I was so disgusted that I didn’t listen to her music for a few days. But I came back because it’s hard to get away from something that constitutes such a big part of my life.

I guess deep down I still hope that this is till a big “mistake” (I mean, it’s clearly worse than a simple mistake, but you get what I mean). I still hope that in a few days/weeks MH will be gone. I’d never look at her the same way ever again, but at least I’d feel less guilty about continuing to support her.

If she stays with him forever, though, I’d stop supporting her. It’s difficult to do that right now because it’s been less than a month since they started dating and I’ve been following her for like 160 times as long. She’s such a huge part of what I like and what I am.

For what it’s worth, I won’t be buying the Speak Now TV album. I don’t like buying albums anymore anyway, but I initially thought about buying this one because of how gorgeous the cover is, but I decided I won’t do that anymore. I also won’t stream any music she makes with MH. If I like it I’ll download it illegally and call it a day.

(And yeah, I don’t need anyone to come and tell me that the money she loses from me is nothing - I know that and that’s not why I’m planning on doing that).

(And I also recognize that the fact that I’m able to act so hypocritically comes from a place of privilege).

The only thing I’m 100% sure about is that if she stays with him in the long term, then I’ll stop supporting her and talking about her and liking her beyond her music.

In the short term, while I don’t justify what she’s doing (and I don’t get how some fans can say “she’s attention-starved, it makes sense that she’d go to MH”), it’s hard to leave it all behind because she’s such a huge part of my life.

Does that make sense?

#taylor swift #matty healy

[go-learn-esperanto]

Hey, so this is a depressing ass question that you don't need to answer, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Simply put: do you think KOSA is gonna pass? Because thinking about KOSA just makes me feel sorta depressed. This is such a stupid thing to compare it to, and I don't want to make this more hopelessly depressing than it already is, but it's the only thing I can think of, But Roe v Wade, I saw SO many people begging it not to be overturned, and yet here we are, still overturned. so it just feels like it's just "not worth it" to be on the Internet anymore because of "why bother with enjoying the Internet, it's gonna pass and everything's gonna self destruct anyways" (which i KNOW is such a stupid mindset, but... That doesn't change that fact at ALL)

Which sucks a lot because almost every single one of my friends are here. Simply put, Is it worth remaining hopeful? Or do you think we're done for, that this is the beginning of the end?

Again, no pressure to respond, I just needed to get this off my chest. And even if you do respond, you're my best shot at getting a genuine answer that isn't hopelessly optimistic/pessimistic if that makes sense

Unfortunately I have zero idea if it'll pass or not, and I'm not even American so I don't even know how those laws manage to pass.

if it does I can't claim it'll be daisies and roses but I don't believe it'll be the end of the internet, for various reasons:

What you can see right now with Roe V Wade is that there's a lot of solidarity. There's online websites done by professionals just to manage to find a way to help somebody who needs an abortion. What I mean with this comment is that there's always a community of people who will try to make things a little better

There's always gonna be ways to bypass that law. The internet is very difficult to control. China has a death grip on it but plenty of people can get through its firewall.

The internet isn't the USA. It's the World Wide Web remember? Yes, US companies are gonna be affected, it will suck, but there's gonna be apps from other countries out there. If the US forces them to do something on the US market you can always try a 🌟VPN🌟

Honestly a VPN will be your biggest saviour if the law goes through

So my conclusion to this is if the law does pass it won't be the end of the internet, redditors or 4chaners have the brain power to figure a way to evade the bullshit, VPNs is your friend and if it does pass talk with your friends, try to make a plan if things really have to be changed.

And lastly don't stress over this. It's not on your hands to decide. Being hopeless is scary but know that it isn't on you if it does happen. Sign the petitions if you think they'll help, or if you wanna try do something at all, and after that free yourself because there's little more you can do. If it happens then you can see what you can do, but being in anticipation of something you aren't even sure will happen only causes you unnecessary stress (I know this is difficult and you've heard it before but it really is the truth). Focus on having fun times with your friends, even if it all ready went to shit it would better if you had more good memories than if you didn't, right?

Have a lovely day and please accept this photo of of some kitties I took recently 😊

#ask #Anonymous

[waterparksdrama]

man i know yallre just worried for them and it comes from deep appreciation for what the band has done up until this point but, why all of the nihilism??

sure funeral grey and fuck about it are.. pretty vapid in a few ways but, they each have a least a lyric or two worth something and sound generally catchy? rsd and self sabotage are pretty good imo, and seem genuine/vunerable even if they showcase Bad Stuff for awsten. and we havent got to see really *any* of the record thusfar because theyve been so busy, so there can be hidden gems. no ones gotta deny the clear appeal to general audiences, but i dont think we have to shit on it *so* heavily. ultimately they seem to want to keep growing and making music. they are probably pretty wealthy but its likely not enough to drop everything after one last poorly performing album. i especially can’t imagine that awsten would want to “let Them win” by leaving from feeling miserable due to ending up the same as every other artist or “failing” to play the industry game.

it would be ideal if they took these next few months before ymas tour to take a genuine break (minimal writing, no studio, nothing) and let fans know a vague release date but that its for the best so that they can put their all into it. i know realistically that probably wont be how it goes, but i trust them to recognize their own burnout and take *somewhat* of a break before their art suffers for it. even if they were planning on this being the last album before a hiatus, i cannot imagine theyd want to flop hard instead of going out on a bang. this doesnt have to be “the end of a good band” etc, awsten has openly talked about how much criticism theyve gotten from the start even on black light.

how hard is it to take the bands experimentation at face value or at least give awsten the credit of knowing when enoughs enough?

wow this is long and im not even sure if my response will encompass all of this but i'll try

i think the nihilism is reasonable tbh. it's not like awsten changes his bad habits online and it's not like this fanbase gets any less annoying and the songs don't get stupider etc etc. everything and nothing ever changes with this band at the same time. they get older, but habits still stay and never leave.

i think the new songs for the most part are passable but aren't really "parx songs" in the classic sense meaning "playful, but with some serious passion entwined in it that really gets you hooked". it just feels really edgy yet somehow generic when he tries to push some of these sex lyrics in and it just feels awkward especially coming from him of all people. and the complaining songs (as i call them) about shit he always complains about (fans, music critics, being a d list internet celebrity at best) is so fucking tired and also some of the things he complains about are usually his fault and something he can stop.

i do think they want to keep growing and making music but i also feel like they're trying to convince themselves that they are in the first place bc things just don't flow the same anymore especially now that they don't even all live in the same place. i don't think they're sticking to whatever plan awsten had in his head for this album from the looks of it bc i have a feeling it's been reworked a lot and he's kind of stalling its official announcement to rework it in the first place.

as of taking a break, while that is a good idea and you know they probably won't anyways, have you seen awsten? he barely takes breaks and even when he says he does, it just means he's lurking without saying anything because he doesn't wanna say shit. he legit has not taken a real break since goddamn 2010 because even after he finishes something, he's always onto something else. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only reason there's such big gaps between the eps was just to gather the resources and promo they needed to record them in the first place bc they're always making some shit no matter what. i don't trust him to take a break even if they're burned out bc he'll always have something to say and write as stupid as he manages it.

it's ironic you use the term experimentation considering they're really just relapsing into that modern distilled pop punk sound when their last album was experimental one. i feel like if awsten's trying to go mainstream on the radio, let him; it won't necessarily mean it's the best they've put out. and awsten never knows when enough's enough; he'll take things too far every time (love, internet jokes, etc etc) and won't jump back until he stops posting (only for a little while of course and he'll still lurk himself in that time) and come back so that everyone tells him they love him and he'll believe it until he takes things too far again and the cycle repeats like it always does - iz

[blackllghtburns]

not to sadness dump on here but. I genuinely hate how my life has turned out. and this feels ungrateful to say because there are so many people out there who have it so, so much worse but it’s true. 

I hate that I’m 25 and have nothing to show for it. I hate that I’ve only gotten to live on my own once and had to tuck tail and move back in with my parents in 2020 because I was broke and just couldn’t do it anymore. I hate that all my relationships have failed and I’m still too stuck on my last one to move on. I hate that trauma and fear rule my life. I hate that I can’t afford to move even though I hate this state. I hate that I’ve dropped out of college three times. I hate that I work my ass off and still can’t even afford to live.

A lot of it boils down to the fact that I’m just genuinely unhappy with myself, tbh. I don’t like myself at all. I’m irritable and mean and just not a nice person at all. I hate that I’m afab but refuse to even explore that because the possibility about ever having to come out as trans terrifies me. Like legitimately there are practically 0 things I like about myself at this point. 

The isolation doesn’t help. I barely have any irl friends. And yet I feel so closed off and separated from literally 99% of people that making any at this point just feels impossible. I have amazing online friends that make life so, so much better but I’m still so goddamn lonely. But I don’t even know if throwing friendships or relationships at this loneliness will even make a difference tbh. I’ve felt this way for so long that idk if it’ll ever even stop. and yeah music and my interests and stuff helps but at the end of the day I don’t think it’s enough. Plus, I genuinely don’t think I’m the type of person that’s easy to love or worth befriending or literally anything of that nature.

I’m just. Unhappy. I’m so unhappy and so tired and I’m sick of feeling this way. When I consider the fact that maybe this is just my life now it makes me physically sick. I feel like I’ve given up on ever having a good and fulfilling life but at the same time, how do you even get that motivation back when you just genuinely can’t care anymore. I would give anything to be a different person. And like, I know no one but myself can change my life around and make it into what I want it to be, but how do you even do that when you hate literally every part of your life and every part of yourself.

idk. I think I’m just bummed about friends and about other stuff. But also like, genuinely if this is what life is then what is the point. 

#i'm sad and venting sorry. #I need to go to bed

[studentofetherium]

here's some thoughts on stuff that's in Jump right now

ive been doing my weekly Jump rankings for about six months now but i don't actually talk about Jump manga all that often so i'm going to try and fix that so here's a bunch of thoughts on everything i'm reading weekly right now

Akane-banashi

young Skane seeks to become a rakugoka to make better on her dad's failure years before. this is consistently one of the best manga in the magazine. i always appreciate when stories focus on niche subjects and rakugo is certainly that. framing it through an apprentice means that the audience gets to be led into things slowly. a lot of praise needs to be given for the way its able to translate rakugo, a spoken art form, into a print medium, but it does so really well, with fantastic art and paneling. this series feels really unique, yet at the same time, wholly familiar and approachable. highly recommended!

Ayakashi Triangle

technically this one isn't even in Jump anymore but it still comes out on Sundays so i count it. Matsuri finds himself transformed into a girl through supernatural means, and wants to find a way to transform himself back, while at the same time this leads him to reconnect with a childhood friend and possibly lover. this is by the author of To Love-Ru and you can really tell. it was too horny for Jump and eventually got cut and put online, and since then it's only gone on the deep end more and more. so a warning for that. but at the same time, the stories it tells and its characters are genuinely fantastic and the entire thing is entirely queer. over time, Matsuri feels more and more like a trans character, and Suzu, his childhood friend, has to come to terms with her own sexuality as it relates to her possible boyfriend-turned-girlfriend. it also has a lot of fun action, as well as a great side case for the slice of life moments. the series has a lot of different moods and genres it traverses and all of them are incredibly fun and good. highly recommended, but do know what it is before going in (that is, an incredibly horny manga)

Blue Box

80+ chapters of pining and angst. also there's sometimes basketball and badminton. two teenagers end up living together for a time when one's parents leave internationally. this leads both to realizing that they have a crush on the other, with no way to know how the other feels. also, they both play sports. Blue Box really excels with both its writing and its art. while the characters can sometimes feel like they're trying to get a good grade in therapy, their characterization and angst is incredibly compelling, and the dynamic between the main two is incredibly effective. Miura is a fantastic artist and in particular i love the way she draws motion. even for people who don't like sports manga (i usually don't) this is great. highly recommended

Cipher Academy

set in a cryptography school, Cipher Academy follows Iroha as the token boy in the school as he gets caught up in a plot involving trillions of dollars worth of cryptocurrency. this series only has three chapters out so far, so it's a little hard to say where it's going, but its writing, by NISIOISIN, is certainly fun. the focus on buzzles gives the protagonist a lot of odd stuff to work through, so there's a lot of potential here for atraditional battles with clever solutions. i also love the art and designs, although they're less notable compared to the writing. highly recommended

Elusive Samurai

from the same mangaka as Assassination Classroom (a manga i haven't read), a feudal era war story focusing on Tokiyuki Hojo as he seeks to redeem his family and bring them back to power. this has a lot of interesting fights which are complimented well by the art. however, characterization is lacking and a lot of the humor can be scattershot. when this series is good, it's really good, but there are also a lot of times when it feels a bit more lacking. still a recommendation, but with less enthusiasm than the manga before

Fabricant 100

the newest story in the magazine, Fabricant 100 is a story about a boy from a family of rich, long-lived people who all got killed by an artificial person. now he wants to kill all of those artificial people. since this is only in its first week, i can only say so much about it. the art is fine, and while there's a lot of exposition in the first chapter, it's conveyed well, but i'm not sure the story has a lot of legs in the future. there's a clear goal (kill the other 82 fabricans) but it sort of runs past a lot of the concepts in its premise which i imagine might be explored later. if this sounds interesting, check it out, it's only one chapter so far, so it's not a huge time investment

Ginka & Glüna

a young girl living out in the mountains comes to know a walking snowman who claims to be a great wizard. after training her for several years, they set out to reconstruct his body. i love love love this series. its art is great, its character designs are all very strong, and there's a lot of creativity present in the world. the story itself has been rather simple so far, with the two titular characters traveling around, meeting friends, and getting up to adventures. simple, but good. another high recommendation

Ichigoki's Under Control

this series is awful. i do not recommend it

Ichinose Family's Deadly Sins

from the author of Takopi's Original Sin comes a manga about an entire family who wake up with total amnesia. as they try to adjust to their new lives, they realize something may be up with their history. unpleasantness ensues. i find it hard to talk about this because it's clearly a mystery that's still setting itself up, and at the moment it's a lot of unpleasantness as the characters find themselves in a world which is cruel to them for reasons they don't know. the art is good, but it's a tough read so far, and without knowing what the payoff is, it's hard to recommend. i love Takopi's Original Sin and i think this has a lot of potential as well but only time can say

Mashle

the worse manga in Jump at the moment. it had an incredibly promising start as a One Punch Man-esque series about a kid without magic in a world of magic, who uses his sheer strength to make do and achieve magical feats. however, the last six or eight months have been nothing but one long fight scene. i'm not sure why anyone is fighting. the main character has been missing for most of it. it's meaningless. it feels like a parody of other shounen action manga that will have long extended fight scenes, except that if this is a joke, it's an incredibly unfunny one. it doesn't even have good action, as the focus on magic gives it a poor sense of continuity. i'm hate reading this. there's no way i recommend it

PPPPPP

PPPPPP is frankly a bit of a mess. the art is unique and striking, but it often distracts from the story, which isn't a problem because the story its telling is rather minimal. i think that's to its strength tho, and it comes together well sometimes. it's certainly an enjoyable read, but mostly for the art and i don't think it's as good as its contemporaries. recommended, but lightly

Tokyo Demon Bride Story

a guy reunites with his childhood friend, who turns out to be a demon, and now he has to marry her. over time, he comes to meet other supernatural friends of hers. this is a mix of romance, action, and slice of life akin to Ayakashi Triangle and while i don't think it's as good as that, it's still highly enjoyable in its own right, especially for the interesting designs and also great characterization. it has its ups and downs, but i usually have a lot of fun with it. recommended

Witch Watch

Witch Watch is... inconsistent. it's about a witch and her bodyguard, and theoretically, it's a romcom focusing on their relationship, except the series has a massive side cast each with their own supernatural gimmick and powers. what this means is that chapter to chapter, the series can vary wildly depending on the characters involved and what's being done with them. when this series is good, it's really good, and when it's bad, it's really bad. hard to recommend this, even if i do enjoy it

#mangaposting #long post

[tullium]

I hoped to never go on to social media to call out someone for abusing me in some way... but here I fucking am.

TW// grooming, toxic relationship

At the age of 10, I met someone online who I shared a common interest with. They introduced me to their friends, and one of them would become my abuser. After our little group fell apart, her and I stayed friends. Eventually, we figured out we liked each other, and we started dating by the time I was 12.

Things were fine for awhile, but during an arguement one time, I remember her calling me toxic. I didn't even know what that word meant, yet it stuck to me for years. I didn't get over that until I finally stepped into the light, left her behind, and finally started to get better.

We'd keep arguing, we'd take "breaks", but with each break we'd end up still be like "ily" and realize that we weren't truly having a break, ever.

Once we broke up, it only took me a day to decide that we couldn't even stay friends. It didn't feel right. I ghosted her, and I don't even remotely regret it. I was only 13. Things were quiet, and with my therapist, I had come to realize how much she really abused me.

6 months later, my abuser reached out to me. She snuck into my discord server, once she revealed herself, I was willing to make small talk. I was willing to forgive. I was naive.

I mentioned that I told my friends in my server about what she did. So she snooped and got upset when I called her a groomer. So, I deleted that message... but I really shouldn't have.

I'm 16 now, and I only just now realized that she abused me so much worse than I think. Everytime I realize that she did something wrong, I think "it can't get worse than this.", but it has. Most of my memories of the time I had with her is blotted out, but one thing I do remember is a BDSM list.

I was 13, maybe even 12, when she sent me the blank list, and one filled out. She told me, "You should do this and send it to me. Here's mine." I don't remember looking at hers, but I remember genuinely trying to fill it out, because I was young. I was naive. I didn't know any better.

I didn't know most of the things listed on it. I had to look half of it up, and I was so uncomfortable doing it the whole time. Not like anything could have had any truth to it because I was fucking 12/13. I had absolutely 0 experience in anything sexual. I was so uncomfortable doing it, it wasn't fair to me to do something like this and not understand any of it.

I didn't realize how damn weird it was back then. I only just realized it and it's been nearly half a decade. There are certain people out there that have used that list to groom their victims, I found it out just now, and it hit me like a fucking train to realize that I was victim to it.

Tabby, I don't fucking give a shit if I ruin your chances of college, or a job. You don't deserve a good life because you ruined mine. And even though I've learned to grow around my trauma, I cannot move on from the fact that you are the reason I struggle so much today. I don't fucking trust people, because of you and the way you treated me. But I have learned to realize that I will not tolerate people stepping all over me and I will not be treated unfairly because I have fucking worth and you don't get to act all innocent anymore.

My abuser is Tabbybat6. Bluebat, Tabbitha, whatever the fuck she goes by now. I first met her on Steam, we moved to hangouts, then Discord. She has Wattpad, Instagram, Tumblr, and on everything I could think of, I have her blocked and restricted.

Tabbitha, if somehow, you're reading this, I hope you understand the way you made me feel, someday. I hope you feel all the pain you made me feel from your abuse. And I'm praying to the god I don't believe in that justice gets fucked served.

#abuse cw #abuse mention #abuse tw #abuse victim #mental health #mentalheathawareness #mental abuse #emotional abuse

[sandshrew]

Long post sorry idk how to read more on mobile

I think I’m finally growing up in the sense that yes I’ve been living independently on my own with a full time job and like, paying taxes, for many years now, but I think I’m finally understanding who I am as a person and what I want out of life and my job and what my true priorities are. and lately I just keep dreaming of a good work life balance, I want to have flexibility and not be exhausted 24/7, I want to have time and energy to enjoy the things I like and spend time with the people I like. I guess it’s bad to admit, but yeah I’m lazy and want a low effort job that doesn’t drain me physically or mentally. I don’t think I find fulfillment in “having a cool job and working a lot with tons of responsibility” like I thought I would.

I used to think getting my “dream job” and being a workaholic was “making it” as a grown up, and now I genuinely think I’d be much happier with a “boring” yet stable office job again like my last job...shift work just isn’t for me, I feel like all I’ve done this whole past year is work and sleep. I have no spark for anything anymore, I get exhausted just thinking about doing anything, and I did NOT used to be this way.

Yes my old office job did get boring and it could be draining sitting at a desk, but I would turn that into fun by indulging in myself and attending school online, or listening to podcasts and running errands on my lunch break, by looking at recipes and planning on making new things for dinner or on my weekend, and finding videos to work out to bc I’d been at a desk all day and wanted to move when I got home. I haven’t felt driven to do any of those things since this job :/

I don’t know, I just am mentally and physically drained by my weekend, and I’ll be honest, I think it’s mostly because I work 4/10s on graveyard on the WEEKENDS. I never have time off when everyone else does, I miss hanging out with A and my online friends and being able to have NORMAL plans for the weekend. Instead I sleep it all away bc I’m exhausted and work nights obv. I admit the 3 day weekend is nice, but if I had to work 5 days and have weekends and holidays off (I’ve literally worked every holiday) I’m thinking I’d rather prefer that. I miss it. I didn’t think I would, but I do. And yes granted someday if I stay with this job, I have the POSSIBILITY for a “better” schedule, but tbh that’s at least years away at this point and I just know I can not last that long on this shift I’m on. I just can’t, I’m already going crazy and it’s only been about 8 months.

Anyways, point being, I think I have reached a place of contentedness with having a “boring” “regular” job in the future. I don’t regret my current job, I’m glad I’ve been able to experience a job not many people get to or understand, but I had rose tinted glasses on and ultimately now it’s just work, it’s a hassle, and it’s exhausted me to no end. Every job gets like this, but I just feel the benefits are not worth it for me and my attitude and place in life right now. I’m staying with it for now, but I don’t think I intend to last a whole other year with it...I’d be burnt to nothing by that point, I think. Oh well, live and learn right??

#it’s like past relationships....start out great and then turn meh and then you part #but ultimately you do learn something more about yourself and your needs and desires #🕺🕺🕺🕺I just keep keeping on and growing I guess!!!

[golbrocklovely]

When people state in their leaving xplrclub post that there's 'not enough fan interaction' but you know for a fact that both boys have been responding to members feed posts regularly and have been leaping into the chat semi-regularly. Just because it's not happening when you are online does not mean it's not happening.

I do not understand what these people want, do they want them to come on every single day and spend hours chatting and responding? Do they not realise they have work/editing to do and lives to live? This fandom is so unbelievably clingy, my word. Some fans are literally dogs with separation anxiety I swear to god.

If you're leaving xplrclub that's fine, goodbye and have a good life but at least be accurate in your leaving post

idk if this is the same anon five times asking me the same thing, just slightly different. or five different ppl needing my opinion on a fan leaving xplrclub bc snc don't interact with us anymore sksksk

imma be honest with yall, idc. i'm not personally on xplrclub to interact with snc, that's just an added bonus. not to mention there is 2000+ ppl on there, it would take them HOURS to notice all of us. i don't expect that from them. if you feel like you weren't getting your money's worth, then leaving is the best option.

that being said, snc seem to try to interact at least weekly from what i can tell; either in chat or in the member's feed. and i think that's fine enough for me, bc again, i don't use xplrclub to talk to snc (or really anyone for that matter lol).

but outside of xplrclub….. a lot of fans are complaining about snc not interacting with us more. and my thing is, what else are they supposed to be doing? bc according to the twitter heads, they aren't doing enough.

lemme try to lay out what i've read and seen them say:

snc repost fans constantly on their xplr insta account, and also on their personal, but that's not enough. bc a, they only notice fans for merch which just feels like they only care about fans that spend money and b, they only repost hot, skinny, pretty fans.

for YEARS fans wanted snc to repost fans more in merch, and now that they're doing that, it's not good bc it's only fans that spend money that get noticed?????? okay. and the pretty fans only get reposted comment… i've explained how i feel about that. it's horseshit, and you're just insecure. sorry.

also let's be clear here, it isn't "oh snc don't notice fans enough" it's really just colby. bc none of yall bitch about sam. everything colby does is the worst and he's the worst, but sam's allowed to do whatever he wants as long as it's not involving kat or katelyn or a combo of the two, right?

yall wanted colby to like edits/artwork from fans more. he starts liking edits of him and malia. that's not good enough. but when he was noticing fans' work, it wasn't the "real" fans or the ones that "deserve" to be noticed that got likes from him.

you want snc to talk to yall on twitter yet… every day you guys flip flop between being nice to them or shitting on them. it just depends on whether or not they seem online or if you direly need them to wish you happy birthday, or say they love you, or just some other random words of notice.

you want snc to post weekly… which they basically are doing on their react channel…….. and yet again, not good enough. you somehow want hour long vids posted weekly….. when colby's really the only one editing anymore. okay.

why is there a caveat to everything you demand from snc? i'm just genuinely curious. if it's not one thing, it's another. at this point, it would just be better in the long run to admit you're unsatisfied and will never be, and just leave. as i've stated about a million times at this point.

bc for the few 100s that are feeling this way, there are millions of fans (me included) that don't feel like snc need to do more. sure, there are certain things i would love for them to tack onto their business schedule, if they COULD do it. but i'm also not constantly threatening to either leave or off myself if they don't meet my demands.

they aren't going to. so…… LEAVE.

#ask #personal

[z-unsentletters]

One of the unsent letters I wrote two years ago out of many.

This letter was supposed to be sent through email, but for some personal reasons, I finally decided not to send it anymore and just posted it here as an open letter. So here lies one of my unsent letters that I wrote two years ago. - May 30, 2022

Hi! It's me, from a couple of years back. I trust that as you read this, we're still friends, keeping the conversation alive online and in person. Of course, if life led us on separate paths, and we suddenly stopped talking to one another (for the better, perhaps), that's cool, too, and I understand. I'm crossing my fingers that you still check your email so my little time capsule here will not go unnoticed. I did give you a heads-up, remember? So, blame my penchant for romance and drama–I've turned this into a 'techie' time capsule. LOL. I hope you make it through the last word of this letter because it is packed with all the things I couldn't quite express that day. It's just that it took me quite a long time to finally tell you everything that was on my mind that very day that I opted for a scheduled email, thinking I’ll forget about this one when this day comes. It's up to you whether you brave this lengthy message as I've got a lot to share, as usual.

As you unwrap this letter and, let's assume, dive into it the very day it arrives, it marks the second year after our breakup. I sincerely wish we had found healing and happiness by now, as we both undeniably deserve it. We're most likely navigating our last month in our college senior year, with hopes high for us to graduate and be a step closer to our dreams. I'm optimistic that the dreams we once shared, of ideal houses, dream careers, and those travel destinations, will come true. Always remember, I take immense pride in you, future engineer.

The experience of falling for you was incredible and terrifying, the greatest yet scariest feeling I've encountered since. Every day brought us closer, and I cherished the moments of talking and laughing together. I hope you cherished those moments, too. It felt like a refreshing excitement, as I was used to liking someone from far away or had not experienced being appreciated back. The scary part came when I realized you had become incredibly important to me, and the thought of losing you was something I couldn't bear. It is hard to like a treasured friend because if things go south, the friendship is at risk, and nothing will ever be the same again. Despite being in denial about my feelings towards you as you were a treasured friend, it became evident through my constant mentioning of your name and incessant search for you. It took me a reality check from our friends to finally admit what was happening.

We had our share of happiness. But I want you to know that even if only for a while, you profoundly impacted my life. Those years spent with you were undeniably my happiest. Believe me, all my friends couldn't help but notice that whenever we were together, I radiated joy as if it were their first time seeing me genuinely happy. Knowing that I made you happy made me happy, too. I've said this before, but it's worth repeating–thank you for giving me a taste of that elusive "high school love" after a string of failed crushes. Gratitude fills me for taking me to new places and letting me experience things that I had never encountered. Your commitment to ensuring my safety, from knowing the tricycle's plate number to driving me home, doesn't go unnoticed.

Thank you for believing in love again and allowing me to love you in return. Those sweet messages, the way you made me feel good and pretty, like how my name, suggests each time I sent you some selfies and each time we were together, allowing me to be your Smurfette, sunshine, and everything in between–thank you. Thank you for being a part of my life because I learned a lot through you. In you, I found the love of my life, my moonshine in the darkest moments, my inspiration, my push to keep going, my home, and my solace. 

I did not lose you totally, right? (I hope so. But again, if things don't go how I want, I will understand.)

The "me" from two years ago kept pondering countless what-ifs. What if I had been stronger and braver? What if I had been more emotionally stable? Perhaps we'd still be together, creating lasting memories as a couple. But, life's brimming with surprises, they say. As this letter makes its way to you, I genuinely hope I've grown stronger, braver, and more stable to confront whatever comes my way. I sincerely hope that I've finally found peace and no longer require fixing and that I am more mature and ready to commit. Likewise, I wish you to handle life's challenges gracefully and resiliently and that you will be genuinely happy as you deserve it so much. 

The "me" from two years ago still hadn't fully adjusted. I miss holding your hand while you drive, pinching your cheeks, and the warmth of hugging and kissing you. I miss watching movies through Google Meet with you, especially my favorite, Ride Your Wave. I long for everything about us and our time together because I have been so used to your existence that when something happens to me, my mind automatically wants to tell it to you. Our routine of talking every day before was still on me, and I promise, I'm trying to get rid of it now. Even now, as I write this, I am not accustomed to waking up without sending you good morning messages as I usually wake up earlier or go to sleep as I usually sleep earlier without our nightly exchange of good night messages and those three words in our language. 

The pain lingers when I listen to my favorite songs, which are strongly associated with you. Witnessing the sunset and everything related to the sun (and moon) remains a daily reminder of the ache. I will reclaim my favorite songs so their melodies no longer sting, especially when the time comes that I finally mustered the courage to listen to them. The sunset and the moon, too, will become a serene view rather than a painful memory. I'll likely find someone to share sweet messages, playlists, and experiences with. Lastly, I hope you find someone to hold hands with, share hugs and kisses, and exchange those heartfelt messages. May you find someone who will write you more handwritten letters. Of course, I will never forget that you also love handwritten letters. 

Choosing not to love you as intensely as I do now and cherishing the memories we created seems like the only way forward. However, I want you to know I will never regret knowing you and the beautiful memories we shared. The best I can offer is to be your friend, always ready with a call or chat whenever you need. If things don't go south, remember, I'm just a message away. 

Always drive safely wherever you go, R. - P.

#UnsentLetter

[tangerinesteve]

that’s such a good way of putting it! i like a few bmth songs but i don’t know that many. i’ve dabbled into emo music and i think fob and bmth fit under emo??? but i’m not sure 100%. definitely get the interest in them, i should listen to more honestly but it’s Not The Right Time yet haha. it will happen sooner or later! just not now :’]

REAL!!!! i fucking have to have lyrics the first time i listen to a song or else i may as well not listen to it. i need to know the very essence of the song in every form or i’m not satisfied. lyricism is one of my favorite things, probably because i love words in general, but GOD. i love songs and concepts and fitting that into groovy lil tunes. it’s the best. AND YES, oh my god. you get it. i fucking love chateau (feel alright) because at a certain point in the song, you can hear joe’s mouth sounds and i’m so fucking obsessed with it. it’s also just one of my favorite djo songs in general. it’s ethereal to me. it’s a favorite song of all time of mine, as well as end of beginning. i did the math of playing a certain part of that song as the new year rolled in, if that explains any at all how much i adore end of beginning. music and me are one, as are you and music. i’m so happy you understand. it’s made me overjoyed and no less of it

:( that’s so kind. i hope you’re proud of yourself, because i am <3 i am so glad that you’re here, thank you for being here. i’m sure little you is so so so proud of you and happy to be where you are now 🫶

WOAH. that food looks so delicious, holy shit. looks like food from an actual recipe website or something. broccoli is so good by the way. i had this broccoli bake recently that was like mac and cheese but was broccoli instead of macaroni and it was incredible! i hope you can have more nice food soon, to treat yourself and such <3333

-🦇 (MWAH, you’re so nice to talk to. i felt like this was worth adding. talking to you makes stuff feel less lonely, if that’s not too parasocial to say. you’re such a cozy person and you have incredible vibes. thank you for existing in this space. you make it a lot brighter just by being you)

I think technically bmth is like screamcore stuff but they aren't as screamy now thankfully cuz i cant do the constant screams. Im like baby you're hurting both us with all this yelling. 🤣🤣🤣 but yeah i would think like emo punky and fob is like poppunk i think. I just ADORE their lead singer and his voice and ugh i can try and rec you a few songs if you ever want! Whenever the time hits!!!

(Gonna pop this under a readmore cuz they keep getting long!!! 🤣🤣🤣)

Ooohh yessssss Chateau is SUCH a dreamy song!!!! Its not my fave fave one but it does get stuck in my head A LOT. and yesss end of beginning is amazing too!!! I think Mutual Future (repeat) is one of my very faves. I just love how slow it is and then the like, way he almost chants the bit later on. Like he's full of so much need. Like... gosh. There's also a line in Personal Lies that literally makes my head go all fuzzy every time i hear it. Cuz, and hopefully not too tmi here, but I'm a little subby gremlin and he uses his condescending voice when he says "you need attention. Well baby there's the line" and i just.... go a little feral. Every time. Getting shivers now just thinkin about it. But like... that happens with me and music alllll the time!!!! And i LOVE that you timed it!!! Thats amazing!!! Sometimes you just need to hear the right thing to start the year right!!!!

And i am! Very proud of myself. I still have bad days here and there. But they never feel like i can't get past it anymore. So thats really nice. I just sort of embraced the small joys and it really just makes things brighter!

And awwww thank youuuuuu!!!! I love cooking so much!!!! I would share my food if i could!!!

YOU ARE SO SWEET OH MY GOSH! not parasocial too much i don't think. Most of my friends are online people who live in my phone ans i have so much love for them!!! BUT IM GENUINELY SO GLAD MY VIBES ARE GOOD AND COZY YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRYYYYY!!!!

#🦇 anon #asks

[reneluvrs]

My dearest, weapon#4673

I hope this text finds you well. It has been quite some time since we last spoke, but I wanted to take a moment to express just how deeply I miss you. You were not just a person who came into my life, but someone who left an indelible mark on my heart. You were the first person who truly made me feel loved. From the moment we connected, I felt a warmth and acceptance that I had never experienced before. Your presence in my life brought about a profound transformation within me. You made me believe in myself and my worth, even when I was at my lowest. Your unwavering support and encouragement were like a lifeline, pulling me out of the depths of despair and showing me the beauty and strength that resided within me. During the darkest and most challenging times of my life, you and our friends became my guiding light. You guys were the sun that shined through the storm clouds, illuminating my path and giving me hope. All of your unwavering belief in me gave me the courage to keep going, even when I felt like giving up. But you held my hand through the toughest of moments, reminding me that I was not alone. Your love and presence brought me solace and reassurance, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I find myself reminiscing about the little things that remind me of you. The color green. The playful phrase "suntukan tayo" or "susuntukin kita," which was our lighthearted way of expressing our affection for one another. The anime Hunter X Hunter, which you always talk about, immersing yourself in its captivating storyline and characters. The white-haired anime characters, which is your profile as always. The never-ending story song from Stranger Things, which I sang to you. The voicemail on Discord, where I always wanted discord to add on that moment. The word "inaanpi," which I didn’t knew the meaning, and kept calling me a foreigner. The word "mornight," where you told me to use because it wasn’t night anymore, it was exactly 4:00 am. And even the "/gn" that stood for genuine, although you mistook it as goodnight, reminding me of our shared moments of laughter and misunderstandings. And of course, that one particular profile picture of mine, which captured a precious memory that I will and can never forget. These seemingly insignificant things hold immense significance to me because they are intertwined with the memories of our time together, reminding me of the love and happiness we shared. It may seem unusual to some that I still hold onto these memories and feelings, even though our time together was relatively short, and we lost connection years ago. But they will never understand the profound impact you had on my life. You were not just a fleeting presence, but my rock, my confidant, and my safe haven. You protected me from the darkness that lurked online, shielding me from harm and providing me with a sense of security. You were the one who stayed by my side, even when everyone else seemed to fade away. Your love and support were unwavering, and I will forever be grateful for the comfort and strength they gave me. But, my dear weapon, the truth is, I still miss you with every fiber of my being. It hurts that it has been a year since we last connected, yet the ache of your absence remains as raw as ever. My days feel incomplete without you by my side, sharing laughter, making memories, and experiencing life together. There is a void within me that yearns for your presence, and no amount of time can erase the profound connection we shared. I find solace in the memories we created together. I close my eyes and let the images of our joyous moments flood my mind. I can still hear your laughter, feel your gentle touch, and see the sparkle in your eyes. Those memories are etched into my soul, and they bring both comfort and pain. They remind me of the love we had and the happiness we experienced together, but they also serve as a constant reminder of what I am missing. My dear Bomba, I want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart. The love we shared was unlike anything I had ever experienced before, and it has left an indelible mark on my soul. I cherish every moment we had together, and I am grateful for the love and happiness you brought into my life. As time passes, I hope that wounds heal, and hearts find solace. But until then, I will continue to carry you in my heart, cherishing the memories and longing for the day our paths may cross again. You are and always will be the one who made me feel truly loved, and for that, I am forever grateful

With all my love and longing, anding

#letter #missing you #w.anding

[always-aqua]

Just a vent… feel free to move along.

I’ve been in the fandom for nearly 8 years. I have followed the “big” accounts, the update accounts, the smaller accts. I have tried time and again to connect with others. I have written fic, I helped organize a meet up before one of H’s shows. I have sponsored singles, albums, and veeps tickets. I reblog fan work, fics, play the writing and general meme games even when no one tags me. I have tried to be present in this fandom. For eight years. Sure. I’m not an OG. I have a career that ebbs and flows my time so I am not 100% available or online 24/7. But I am here. A lot. I try and watch livestreams for all shows I am able and be active online reblogging and posting in reaction to the shows.

My point is…I’m here. I’ve tried. I’m trying.

And yet…it feels like this is not a space that cares. I’ve felt this pretty much my entire time in this fandom. I am not trying to be negative about everything because I firmly believe you cultivate your own experience. At the same time, I can post something one minute and never receive a note and see the same thing almost verbatim posted by someone else a few minutes later and jump immediately to 20+ notes. Cultivating my experience only goes so far when no one else wants to buy into it. So what then?

I’m not saying I’m a great writer by any means. I am lucky to have had one fic actually “take off” but the rest? Hardly anything. My posts rarely get notes. (shout out to the the three people that actually interact with me!! It means the world to me!) and last night I went to L’s show. I have posted pics and vids and my thoughts. Extremely limited interaction.

I don’t live my fandom experience for other people, but think of it this way. I spend all day baking cookies to bring to a party. Actually, many days. Deciding which recipe I want to use. Then I go to the shops for ingredients. I decide to splurge on the expensive salted cashews, the extra right chocolate and cage free eggs. I even decide to bake two batches to be cognizant of potential nut allergies. So I double my ingredients and time. Now, it’s the night of the party, my two batches came out perfect (the second time around because the butter was too soft the first batch and the cookies spread more than what I wanted.) I put the cookies in two different serving baskets and hand-write little signs for each kind to explain nuts/no nuts. Then at the end of the night, I go to collect my containers and realize that only like 3 cookies are gone and I find half of one in a garbage. A few thoughts go through my head: well that sucks people didn’t like my cookies. They didn’t even try them to know if they might have liked them or not. / nice! I still like cookies now get to have more for myself. The next party rolls around and I try again thinking maybe it was just the people at the first party were not in a cookie mood. And the same thing happens at the end of party number two. A third party rolls around and begrudgingly I go through the whole process with very little hope anyone is gonna eat the damn cookies. They don’t. So you know what? I’m not making cookies anymore since it doesn’t feel worth it. Doesn’t mean I don’t like baking.

I love it here. I love supporting L&H. For eight years, this has been my oasis from real life when I’ve needed it, and I have made one or two genuine connections. I love when something dumb happens and memes fly out of people faster than I can blink. I love show days where the excitement is palpable. I love seeing people organize fan projects and the audience following along. It truly is a happy place.

But goodness can it feel lonely when no one else cares about your excitement.

#personal thoughts about fandom #just wanted to put it out there #feelings #I’ll get over it #just feeling particularly glum today

[ilooklikeaburntchickenugget]

Call It What You Want

A/N: Another little story matching one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs ever. I feel like Call It What You Want is so under appreciated. It’s not fair. Pairing: Chris Evans x F!Reader Word count: 1,531 Warnings: A little bit of angst, lots of fluff

Your love life was a treacherous, fracturing, mess.

It had been like that for years and years, taking a new round of douches and less than decent men every couple of quarters until finally the cycle got too old, the warped record screeching far too loudly to be tolerable anymore. So you gave up.

You were never really the quitting type. Perseverance was stitched into your work, setting expectations higher for yourself was just a norm. And as much as you hated to have to break it to your little teenage self with a shattering ego who dreamed of someone to love her one day, you had to admit that maybe love just wasn’t your thing.

“Okay, you’ve had your bad rounds of guys.” Your best friend bantered on, pacing your living room with a glass of wine in her hand, “That doesn’t mean you just give up.” You shrugged.

Online dating was a nightmare. Just thinking about it made you want to cringe. Guys in bars were always snobs looking for a hookup, and worse, co-workers who approached you. That was a huge no-no.

But you loved yourself, and in the end that’s what mattered. Two years of no relationship, no need to worry about a man who wasn’t even worth a mere second of your time, and you had begun to genuinely love who you were. You woke up in the morning loving the woman you saw in the mirror. Your body shape, your hair, your face, your eyes... you loved everything about you. And at the end of the day, you couldn’t have asked the universe for anything better.

“Please, Y/N,” Your best friend, Y/B/N practically begged, “He’s such an amazing guy and I can legitimately see you two being soul mates.” “For the last time, no!” You stated, turning around from where you were retrieving items from your fridge to make dinner with her. “I’m not getting together with another man who is gonna trample all over me like I’m some one night stand again.” “He’s different, I promise.” She insisted.

“That’s what they all say.” You responded, grabbing some bowls now, “And then they’re all the same.”

Okay... so maybe you were a tad bit wrong.

Scratch that, you were completely, utterly wrong.

This man was legitimately perfect. It sometimes stung you a bit that he was stuck with you, a written on, erased through, scratched off, piece of paper that had been crumbled and smushed into the bags of failed love time and time again. But he managed to look at you as if you were some sort constitution of love.

Every-time you looked into his eyes every stab to the heart and salt in the wound you ever felt melted away and you were left completely new, completely clean. He was such a gentleman, it was even the little things like always opening doors for you or insisting he put the groceries in the highest shelf at whatever cost it what take so you didn’t have to.

And of course he knew about your incredibly fractured love life in the past, but he was making you question every conclusion you have jumped to about the word ‘love’.

You were so deeply in love with him, sometimes it felt like your stomach was so filled with butterflies they flew up to your throat. You hated yourself for letting this love get to you, yet you were ecstatic at the exact same time.

You had really tried to dive head in every second of this relationship to drown yourself in the really heavy love you felt for this man. If it ended one day, you at least wanted to live in the moments filled with bliss and not your mind torturing itself with the thought of this all coming to an end, which was more of a possibility than not given your track record.

It was an oddly peaceful night. You had finished up your work for the weekend, he had finally been given a few weeks off. So you just sat on your couch, the little fire in your fire place flaming on with all the power it could, and a movie playing softly in the background. His arm loosely thrown around your body which laid in his lap, the warmth from him made you feel like a teenage girl in love.

You couldn’t help but look up for a moment, admiring his features from below. The scruff of his beard, his perfect nose, and his jawline that was just a little too sharp but not enough to push you away- “What’re you lookin’ at?” He smiled down at you. You sleepily smiled with a small blush growing.

“Nothing.” You responded, barely above a whisper.

“Oh?” He asked with a quizzical look on his face, “Then why were you staring at me?” “You’re very handsome.” You responded, “I just couldn’t help myself.” He lightly laughed, leaning down to give you a long kiss, as you reached your fingers up to just graze his cheek.

When you two separated for a mere moment to take a breather, his gorgeous eyes scanned across your face, studying it more than ever before. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” You smiled at his oddly serious tone and face.

“Would you marry me?” Your eyes shot wide open at the question sank in, maybe a little too fast. He could immediately tell you were in a state of shock, so he removed his face from such close proximity to yours, giving you room to think and breath.

“Uhm,” You coughed a little, sitting up to be next to him. “I um-” “It doesn’t need to be an immediate answer.” He replied, still looking at your while your eyes strayed away as if trying to defuse the situation. “Take as much time as you need.” “I mean-” You said, formulating words that just didn’t want to come out. “Are you, like, sure?” “What d’you mean?” He asked.

“Like, ya know, there are lots of other very wonderful women out there and you wanna marry me?” You asked, more of a warning laced in your voice.

“Why- why wouldn’t I wanna marry you?” He asked with a slight laugh, looking more confused than ever. The room grew awkwardly silent, only the slight cackling of fire and dim sounds of some comedy you would never be able to watch again filled the tension-thick room.

“I mean, I’m just, I’m-” Again, you were trying so hard to just put a sentence together that didn’t want to come out. “Am I really the love that you wanna have for the rest of your life? Don’t you think you deserve something better?” At this his own eyes went wide, in a state of shock similar to the one you were just in.

“What does that have to do with anything?” He asked, “I’m surprised I pulled you, and you’re saying I deserve better?” He scoffed, “I asked you to marry me because I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you. I know, it’s really cheesy, but there’s a reason I never asked anyone before you. And it’s because I do want your love, and no one else’s.” “But mine’s very used,” You explained, “It’s not like one of those fairytale loves that everyone wants. I’m not capable of that. And I think you deserve all the happiness in the world and then some. I’m not sure how you could do that with me.” “I do it everyday already,” He insisted, “Everyday I get to wake up next to the most beautiful woman in the world, and I get to fall asleep next to her every night. And even when I don’t I dream about you laying next to me just so my mind will shut up about how much I miss you. I have the perfect love, and I have my fairytale fantasy, Y/N. And you happen to be the main character right next to me.” You couldn’t help but look away as small tears began to brew in your eyes.

“I don’t know if I can burden you with me, and the fact I just can’t love you like what everyone wants-” “It’s not what I want.” He replied, “I want your love, and that’s it.” You nodded slowly as he grabbed your hands delicately in his, looking down to watch his fingers caress your palms.

“I’ll think about it.” You replied with a small smile.

“Take as much time as you need,” He smiled back, “I’ll be waiting here for you as long as you need.”

It only took a couple of days before you reached a decision, agreeing to marry him but wanting it to not be rushed. You didn’t feel the need for a big, fancy ring, or even some big wedding. You just wanted to get married when it felt right, and now was a little to early.

“You’re sure you want this?” You asked him, “All of this? Because the majority of my love is not novel-worthy.” “Call it whatever the hell you want.” He smiled down at you, “But I want you.”

#Chris Evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x reader #chris evans x y/n #chris evans x you #Steve Rogers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fan fiction #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you

[saintobio]

this chapter was just… idk what to say. it’s amazing and soooo well-written but fuck. my heart can’t take it. i have sm things to say!!

first off, how dare gojo be worried about us??? like he isn’t the cause of our suffering??? gojo u bastard 🖕 strangely enough, i actually do believe he wanted to enjoy bora bora with y/n. he’s just an indecisive little child and cannot choose between y/n and sera

i’m glad y/n finally noticed gojo wearing the wedding ring! but damn. it really had to end that way huh 🥲

i love how one of the first people to know about the cheating was shoko and geto, gojo’s friends. personally it means a lot more that the one who talks to y/n about this is not someone close to her like gen or her father, bc we know that shoko and geto voicing their disapproval lends more validity to y/n’s feelings since they’re gojo’s friends. so the fact that his own friends don’t support his bs proves just how wrong the situation is and how y/n’s feelings are very valid

“I couldn’t tell her that it’s not right for her to come anymore.” gojo it’s time for you to put your foot down and make a decision. “and you’ve been so cold to me for the past week for no reason. What’s your problem?” FOR NO REASON?? BITCH TELL ME. when this man is being sweet i cave in, just like y/n. but when he’s being an ass i wanna choke the life outta him istg

on some better news, i like how gojo’s beginning to realise just how traumatic iceland was for y/n. development! yay? only to be broken later on but let’s not talk abt that yet

when gojo slipped into y/n’s room bc he could no longer sleep peacefully unless it’s with her… 🙁 god that was so painful. but also quite satisfying to know that his body aches for the comfort of y/n’s presence. and when y/n woke up later that morning and felt disgusted bc she believed he and sera did it when they didn’t even do it? god they’re both really out of sync it hurts

and toji?? MR TOJI ZENIN??? when he left a comment on y/n’s post i screeched so loud my brother told me to stfu cuz he had an online class 😭😭 i was hoping gojo would flip y/n’s phone and see that she’s been stalking toji shajsjsksk also when they were on the plane why didn’t gojo hear y/n say she and toji were friends?? 😩 i wanted him to be so salty. see now even geto and shoko know that toji would treat y/n better than gojo ever could, even if only as a friend 😌

one word: sera. bitch. what a fucking bitch. i was holding back my anger on her bc she ain’t worth it but goddamn i fucking hate her sm. i hate her even more when she smiled???? after gojo fucked her??? like i understand why she would think gojo genuinely wanted to fuck her raw and cum in her but by god i would do anything to smack that smile off her face. first, she installed the fucking app. second, the audacity to even go up to y/n and what? assert her dominance? bitch the entire world would never side with you. y/n is the legal wife and you’re just pathetic cheating scum. hope hoejo’s dad deals with her filthy ass and that of her family’s so they don’t spawn anymore!!

another one: geto. i know we had our reservations abt him at first, but it’s nice to finally see him making a stand. i think he’s beginning to see y/n as a friend after he got to know her, wc is great bc y/n needs all the support she can get, and where else to get it than from her stupid husband’s friends. i like how sera mentioned this isn’t the first time geto and gojo have fought, but i admire how he’s basically stepping in and telling gojo to make a fucking decision. bc honestly gojo’s indecision is what’s fucking things up for everybody. even for stupid sera. someone needed to tell gojo that he is indeed becoming like his father and it’s only fitting that geto is the one to do it bc y/n doing it (as she alluded to when they were fighting) just made gojo angrier and clouded his senses since he still has some misplaced anger towards her.

the fight: okay i was lowkey half-hoping y/n is rushed to the hospital of smth shsjsjsks but damn it still hurt either way 🥲 finally, everything has come bursting out. i’m glad y/n got to speak her side of the story but oh how poetically unfortunate that gojo only felt remorse after (1) making y/n cry so hard she passed out, and (2) raw fucking that sera bitch. i know you said gojo’s character will really start changing in ch 9 so i’m actually very excited to see how you will flesh him out even more

ok so about the last part. i think what i find most painful is the fact that we KNOW gojo will regret fucking sera raw. and i personally find it sm harder to hate someone who would inevitably regret his actions. like, for me it’s better if gojo actually intentionally, wholeheartedly fucked sera raw without any care for the world bc then i could bask in my hatred for him. the feeling i have right now resembles that one painting of ivan the terrible killing his son and the visceral look of regret that came on his face right after. it’s like when you do something so bad no matter how much you regret it, it’s already too late to do anything.

moving forward, i def think sera will become pregnant. it makes sense narratively. it was foreshadowed earlier in the chapter with the period tracker, and with sera actually telling y/n about the possibility that she will get pregnant. but i think where it will differ is in the part where sera says that if this happens, gojo will be hers. bc the total opposite will happen. poetic justice? definitely 😁

now idk if gojo will be able to convince sera to abort the fetus. but either way, i’m with gojo’s dad on this one 🏌️🏌️🏌️ club tf outta these hoes !!! i honest to god hope gojo gets a good flogging once his dad finds out abt the pregnancy. i’m sorry he had to suffer during his childhood but fuck that, he hurt other ppl (y/n, his mom) so bad he deserves it and more.

all in all this chapter was so intense. when y/n and gojo had their confrontation i felt like i wanted to scream just like y/n shsjsjskk. thank u for writing this series and i hope u have a good weekend!! 💕

(i actually have another part to be added in a diff ask. i just chose not to include it here in case it contains spoilers shajsjs)

(hi from the prev ask. this is the second part with the prediction shjsjsks)

so i think the progression of the story will go from the climax (ch 8) to a separation (whether official or not), to a reunion (now idk where this will go from here). i could see gojo and sera trying to work it out but things ultimately falling apart. then maybe gojo and y/n would reunite again to talk things through. i don’t think an official divorce will happen but i totally see y/n leaving for a while maybe to pursue things that will make her happy, with the open ending being one where she and gojo will promise to meet again someday when she’s ready. this time, gojo will be the husband waiting for her to return home :)

aaaaa i just wanna say (again) that i love this series sm and it gives me life every week. i love going thru ur asks in between each update and i know the angst will hurt me sm but it’s just soooo good!

A+ for this essay this literally encompassed all the important plot points from the previous chapter and you are vv amazing for that !! 😭 thank u for taking the time to send me ur thoughts <33 i can’t answer ur theories but i’m sure the other readers can relate/have the same predictions in mind.

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not