#it is always such an interesting feeling when im in a depressive

[mountain-lion-gremlin]

a good reason to leave for me:

i honestly think it would be safer for me and therians to not be in the same space sometimes haha. P-shifting isn't safe for many and it can really hurt others.

Although I would love to stay, I know that it's probably safer for everyone to no longer teach it and keep to myself about things that involve how to shift and such.

P-shifting isn't a joke and can harm people who suffer from mental issues and other things of that sort. Its just not safe to teach in a large public space. It's something only some can stomach and be safe while doing. Plus some communities that are too unregulated exist and may mess with people's reality and how they perceive it. Some are too open to allow people to start p-shifting right off the bat and it's just too dangerous that way. (including those that say "oh just wait you will shift eventually but you cant control it at all" those are even worse.)

Theres a very good reason why newer communities are very apprehensive about teaching, or telling, or allowing new people who know nothing about it just hop in and start shifting. Usually if you are coming to the "learning" community (as in, you are following steps laid out by others to understand your identity) there is guidelines, there are warnings, etc. It's just too risky to not follow these guidelines and not listen to the warnings.

Dont start p-shifting right when you find out. Take the time to start a journal. Understand that what you are getting into isn't something that will make you cool or quirky. You risk your mental health if you are not careful. You have to be born to be a p-shifter. You must first mental shift before you can even think about p-shifting. P-shifting is not easy and will take years to even get to a point where you start getting somewhere physically.

The list goes on. When someone who is teaching shifting slacks in saying these things, you can harm someone. It takes a very long time to even get to the point where you may be ready to p-shift. Some never will p-shift. You have to accept these realities too. Not to mention how some older guides, although effective, can be so incredibly risky. (Such as completely shutting out the world and being an animal 24/7. Some people just take it too far and do it too early and ruin themselves.) Its just not worth it sometimes.

Thats why I'm leaving Tumblr. Too open, not safe for neither me nor others looking in. I know I usually don't have these sorts of posts, but I just saw someone in an anon saying how unstable their reality and they were after lurking in the community and it just.... its just so hard to see. Nobody deserves that sort of mental torture. Sometimes I forget that p-shifting actually can be dangerous to some if nobody teaches how important it is to regulate yourself, check in on yourself, and remember that p-shifting isn't for the faint of heart.

It's only for those who have spent so much time over years of their journey, exploring themselves, askong questions, taking breaks, questioning themselves so many times, and checking in, to finally be able to claim that they are able to p-shift. (There is so much more to it than that obviously.) My fourth year of shifting is coming up, and after so long I might be ready to leave the online community permanently and start my journey. (of physically shifting i mean. I spend more time teaching others rather than doing the practice itself right now lol. When i say p-shifting im trying to refer to the whole process, but really talking about the mental shifting and phantom shifting etc. Sorry if its been unclear, many know the whole community as "p-shifters" when in reality "p-shifters" are only those who havw actually preformed a p-shift. I havent yet in my conscious memory so i just call myself a shifter or nonhuman.)

Please be safe. Please, if you are curious about the p-shifting community, remember that it is a mixed bag and not for everyone. As always any community can be a mixed bag, but p-shifting "learning" communities can spiral and be too lax on the warnings and importance of these warnings.

Thats all. (make sure to read all tags fully too.)

#please be safe #if you are interested in p-shifting feel free to approach me but I'm not going to be as open as i used to be #this whole post isn't to claim that the p-shifting community is incredibly dangerous #i can be full of the most amazing kind people #the only issue is people forget how dangerous it can be to not remember the warnings that follow the community #many young people toss them aside because they think it's gatekeepers or a “cool kids only club” #(like i did) #but it's for safety and making sure you take it slow enough so that you can back out without being permanently damaged #p-shift #I will always tell anyone interested that you have to spend time researching thinking evaluating the list goes on #And it's nobody's fault #when you've been a p-shifter for a long time (like me) you forget the warnings that you followed in the beginning that protected you #from spiraling mental issues depression etc. #p-shifting can be done and practiced safely #hey i did it and I'm doing fine. I've lived with it for so long and don't hold onto it like a lifeline anymore #it's more of an aspect of my identity #im just trying to help others understand that it can be fun and safe but it's not something to joke with or play with #it is something that is serious and if the warnings are ignored usually very risky. #bro it's like rock climbing almost #“WEAR THE HARNESS. If you fall you won't plummet to your death!! Remember rules ABC and you will be okay!!” #it's sort of the same thing in that matter. #we do unsafe things all of the time but since we know the dangers and the warnings we will go about to be much safer in practicing it #Im just trying to say p-shifting from the “learning” side of it - these warnings should be heeded and taught. #Or else you get whats been happening lately with people wandering into places that are too lax with teaching the dangers #and people are traumatized and damaged from it #Many new people who I've seen wander onto my Amino don't even really know that there is even a process before p-shifting itself #it's scary and I'm afraid even more people will have to deal with the rough bumpy road of understanding that they aren't p-shifters #yeah so uh #this might not get any likes or anything but I still wanted to put this out there. #Please don't crop this and use this for out of context hate against p-shifting and p-shifters

[whoblewboobear]

Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?

#tw mental health #personal #idk how to tag this #I’m doin BAD #like- I think I’ve run into that gifted kid thing where it’s like yeah I was told I was good at this and then growing up and realizing I #never developed the skill beyond childhood but instead of gifted kid syndrome it’s high functioning depression #like I hit my 20s and I can’t high function my way through this shit anymore #I don’t know how and that makes it worse bc I’m looking back on teen me who could pretend for days and power through #now I’m just- a depressive episode hits and I just.. everything stops y’know? #im so tired and overwhelmed and I just don’t know where to start to even dig myself out of it #I’m self soothing to the point of it being harmful #if I don’t think about how bad it is and instead focus on whatever interest it feels better #my therapist has been out sick for almost 2 months now and I’m worried about her but we work so well together that I don’t wanna find #someone new and start all over again #I just.. #I tried telling my family I’m struggling and my mom told me to pray about it so it’s like okay I’m just alone to deal with this like I #always do but I’m just.. I’m not doing well enough to be able to handle this on my own and no one is listening when I say that #I’m not going to do anything but I can’t pretend the s*ic*d*l thought aren’t at the front of my mind #every single problem I have would disappear for me if I wasn’t here and that’s bitter sweet because I want to see this life through #depression #mental health #struggling with depression #major depressive disorder

[cinnamon-notes]

i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)

#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact #with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes #but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost #become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad. #i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their #hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed #and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month??? #after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they #lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never #had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant #really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you #just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs #capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem. #and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them. #sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont #care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem #and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did #try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry” #and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found #yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!! #and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i #crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :) #cinnamon diary

[thedevotionaltour]

thinking about daredevil yellow again im not. going to make it Guys.

#static.soundz #crying screaming and hitting the ground. so good. it made me cry really bad #bc whenever i think about jack n matt it always makes me think of me n my dad for various reasons #when matt said i couldnt feel his heartbeat inside me anymore. no words. #i rambled about it on my main but dd is very much intwined in an interesting and special way with my own heavy grief about my dad #and matt was a very important character to me during that time of my life for the exact same reason. #it's why i take a lot of very heavy issue when things try to make it so his dad died in his childhood as opposed to college #bc a) think it takes away a lot of the important nature of their relationship and b) my own personal projection #bc all grief at any stage is highly personal and unique and particular #but it really does feel like. matt is really just starting to become an adult (depending whether he dies when matt's in under or post grad) #(bc i can never remember which) but he's not quite a mega established one. there's still that lingering of childhood #so even though he's grown. it just hurts in a very particular way. they saw you grow up. but they didnt really see you become an adult. #they did not see the person you're going to be. that you are. that you're becoming. it feels like such a bizarre unfair moment in time. #bc why now? why not when i was younger? why not when i was truly an adult adult who is expecting to lose you now? #why at this moment and no other time? #but thinking about matt going i wish i told my dad how much i loved him. #more than anything when he goes 'i love you dad. did you hear? i love you.' #it made me cry like a fucking bitch. honest to god tearing up when i type about it. it wrenches my heart it twists it and it makes me wanna #drop to my knees and just weep and weep and weep. they are everything to me. #i have intertwined a lot of matt's grief with mine in a way that makes him so so so important to me. because as stupid as it fucking sounds #that comic and him as a character are everything to me. so genuinely. they were a lifeline my freshman year #when i was so depressed all i could do was read comics. or listen to music #i could do nothing else. i did. clearly. i did work and assignments. but dd was everything to me alongside dm #im sorry i am being an actual like nutbag in my tags im sorry i just have a lot of feelings. this story is everything to me ever ok? ok.

[designernishiki]

hot take but. oda is honestly one of the most interesting prominent side characters in y0 to me. like. don’t get me wrong obviously i don’t condone his actions, but speaking as a character design guy, i think he’s got a whole lot of complexity to think about in his story and identity that people tend to ignore/overlook because he’s not a black and white “good” person. like no shit he’s morally fucked, that doesn’t mean his intense pining and crazed level of dedication to tachibana and the lengths all his guilt and repressed love for the man he saw as the best thing to ever grace his life drove him to aren’t interesting to think about– if anything it makes him more interesting. he was. really something

#people like to joke about wanting problematic queer rep instead of just good upstanding citizens all the time but then you get someone like #oda and suddenly all nuance dissappears and liking him as a character (for being a well-made character I mean) is equated to #condoning sex trafficking. like. no that’s not how that works #though I do think- regardless of him being a shitty dude- he does count as a victim of burying your gays #but that’s less about his death being narratively a bad choice and more that there could’ve been more queer rep amongst prominent characters #to balance it out (who don’t die) #though idk I’m always a little put off by the all too common Gay Chracter Dies For Their Tragic Love Interest trope #because it’s. too common. and depressing. but again I think it could’ve been balanced out if someone else was prominent and #canonically queer (also thinking like. nishitani seemed pretty close to canonically bi but. he. also died. so) #anyway. yeah on the other hand im glad they didn’t sugarcoat or morally sanitize him as a character for the sake of his queerness though #I would’ve really liked to have seen more on tachibana’s side about what he thought of oda and their relationship in general- cause they #knew each other for quite a while and were undeniably close. even lived together and whatnot. and all tachibana really got to say when he #found out oda was probably dead was just. well just that. that he’s probably dead. I feel like he should’ve gotten to be more shook by that #and/or more deeply conflicted and pained by the combination of his potential death for makotos safety and his responsibility for #trafficking her in the first place. that’s. such a deep well of complicated emotions to sort out and they really did absolutely nothing #with it. like. it makes me wanna write something that’s how much is There that was unused. so much with that relationship in general really. #hhhh….. anyway I should shut up now #jun oda #oda #yakuza #yakuza 0 #rgg #rgg0 #rambling #oh yeah also. hating him is understandable but you have to then apply the same judgement to all characters who have done some real shitty #stuff in their pasts to get by- which is quite a few characters- including lee who’s far more liked and was a literal hitman #(saying that as someone who also likes him as a character quite a bit and Likes that he’s in a moral grey zone) so. yeah. #yakuza 0 spoilers

[caffeinatedopossum]

Starting to wonder if I have bipolar but then I would literally have almost every mental illness. Like fr I'm not kidding you, I'm a collector and I never chose this

#it does run in my family since my mom had it #i just wonder because while im almost always suicidal the way that prevents itself can greatly change very quickly #like periodically ill be stuck to my bed very sad very mopy for like 3 weeks to 3 months #and then sudden i get this burst of false energy that is actually severe restlessness #and i NEED to do something when that happens. sometimes i just cannot sleep because ive gotta do something #sometimes i frantically draw or write and ill have these moments where i feel ecstatic and when i come back to normal levels of sadness #im convinced i mustve been delusional to think the thoughts that i had then #usually the sadness isnt as bad during those periods but the suicidality is much worse actually because i become very frantic #and have so much more energy #idk. my theory thus far has been either 1) adhd causing mood dysregulation and hyperactivity #2) fluctuations in my depression and anxiety combating each other. actually both of these. #or 3) DID. just DID. i think thats lretty self explanatory #the interesting thing is that i think what i described with point 1 and 2 would be clinically considered bipolar...? #listen clinicians dont always consider the other factors that contribute to what symptoms the person is having #especially in psychology where the lines are very blurry since diagnosis tends to be made on behavioral observations #and also on self reported symptoms.i suspect im one of the only people who would describe symptoms like 'im having x because i have y' #and not just 'im having x symptom' #skfjfh sorry to everyone who reads my tags 👍 psychology special interest go brr

[potpiehead]

ive been more depressed lately

#if you cant tell #during the summer i had some zest for life and felt actually happy lol but with the turn of the season it just disappeared.. so annoying lo #i keep having thoughts that boil down to "id be happier if i were happier' like lol #i know that spending time with my friends and family; always having something going on; engagine with my interests and keeping myself busy #all make me feel good and i think those things came easier over the summer #when im doing something of interest i just feel this whole world open up and everything feels lighthearted and easy and then when i fall ou #of those habits and start doing less everythig just feels dark #the depression i have now is 100x better than the depression i had as a teenager though. i didnt have the life experience to know that #things could be better #it does make me feel good to know that there are things that help #i just feel so mentally weak like there are times when i think of the thing i want to do but the effort it would take is monumental #and it stresses me the fuck out #i applied to a couple of jobs today because i just need a change of fucking scenery and i feel stagnant. #evereythig feels bleak and meaningless but i have moments where i feel everything open up. idk #i have hope for myself lol just that today in particular has been shitty like a concentrated version of the past few months #but i did apply to jobs which is something i was stressing about! and i bought some shit i needed to buy that i kept putting off #i often have so much on my mind and am so overwhlemed i cant even think of getting shit done. this shit is ruining everything #catastrophizing was my specialty in early high school ive been here before its just that being a young adult is a new frontier. #and i feel like ive been sitting in one place not moving even though i have been doing things i need to CHANGE things #i have moments of strength but i know that overall im struggling. #anyway thanks for reading. i have work tomorrow gn!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#focus who? i dont kno her #its so bad. i csnt focus at all. and ive got way too much to do. take me back to last week where i spent hours reading papers #annoying. also possibly lack of sleep cstching up with me #do u ever get very little sleep and not miss it at all? yea bitch all the time. then i get depressed and its sleepy time #and by sleepy time i mean i get like 8hrs of sleep lol #maybe ill just do nothing and completely fuck over my sunday lol #maybe i should go run up thr mountain rn before im stuck in a car for 2 hrs #bc im getting spikes of being insane. unfortunately i have no emotional object permanence so when i feel crazy its like #ive always felt like this ans its terrible forever. and then immediately afterward im like lol wot? nah im fine. ive always been fine #shout out to mood swings ✌️ like bro im trying to get materials together so i can teach a class. can u shut the fuck up? and focus? #well see how i do today with a ton of socializing. itll b fine. im normal i can b normal #or i can b endearing quirky. or whatever i usually i am. i dont think i have conversations like a normal person but i cant tell bc im not #there for conversations im not in. whatever everyone else has conversations in a way thats boring. i just wanna grill ppl til i understand #how they work. and then feel like im gonna die if im in a group conversation 🙃 let me study thr ppl around me #bc im very normal. god. i promise irl im not that weird. ppl think im nice and cool and successful #ok maybe not cool. but i think i can get away with being interesting. i got at least a lil charisma. im only a bit horribly awkward ;-] #but i try to own it. wtf was i saying. jesus. i cant with my brain rn. i shoulf have gone for a run this morning #being social just makes me anxious so im babbling i guess. but itll b fun. and itll b pretty im sure #maybe ill try to draw my ocs while im not paying attention. ive neglected them for so long 😭 #unrelated

[indigodawns]

.

#whew you know when you've been Going for a while and then you get a break and you're still tired but you're also so so jittery #S WHERE IM AT OHHH MY GOD #luxury problem and it's totally fine but i am crawling up the walls my friends #also update time ig!! took my family to the autism group meeting thing on tuesday bc it was a meeting esp for that #and they kept throwing me glances throughout the info part like lol it's you JDFHJDFH it was v interesting #bc throughout it all it's like... here i have info about autism and here i have my 25 years lived experience without thinking i had autism #and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they #don't fit 100% (it's . the autism) so anyways it was v helpful!!! #and my mum was like ah yeah i always had moments where i thought so?? but then it didn't fit the cold white boy stereotype bc i #am empathetic and i have humour etc so she never mentioned it to me bc it's a big thing etc and tbf i wasn't ~ready pre-this year #but now it's like... ah yes i was always upset on holidays and they never got why (the change in Everything)... i was picky with food #and with new shoes and i HATED shopping and it overwhelmed me so much (still does) #i would ask my mum what tf i was feeling and why i was crying and i would analyse social interactions #and i'd have obsessions with media and horses etc. was big know-it-all. was so slow with some subjects at school #like yknow when you had to copy letters 80 times? that'd take me ages and i'd get a fail bc i was being so precise #anyways. enough signs methinks dfjhdjh so now im just trying to see where stimming & eyecontact come in? #i never noticed a problem with eyecontact but im trying to let myself not do it and it's kinda nice?? but idk #and stimming idk i used to suck my thumb for a long time but?? i wanna try things but whew internalised ableism etc #so see then im like so ARE YOU ACTUALLY-- but anyways it seems i am #and my mum made me realise that'd. explain why i suddenly developed depression around age 11 and never got out of it again #so lots of Thinking!!! and wanting to shelve things like ok great figured it out NOW WHAT but noooo #also stupid to do this on tumblr and not rly talk about it with irl friends but what do you say like #hello im autistic? yeah it surprised me too. no i can't really explain how it works for me. no that's not how the spectrum works #so here we are yes #<3

[mediawhorefics]

hello marie, hope ur okay! so, there’s this girl on Wattpad who’s claiming that she finally got your permission to translate tts, is that true or… she’s just lying ?!

https://www.wattpad.com/1318890612

why can't these people just leave me alone?

#in case y'all were wondering this is a big part of why i don't write hl anymore #i know it's not fair to the majority of people who are so lovely and encouraging and respectful and supportive #but this kind of disrespectful shit started in the early pandemic when i was really depressed and uninspired and i was started to feel less #interested in 1d cos nothing was happening #and i can't even begin to tell you how it felt... to already feel so low in personal life and then to see the way my work was treated...... #it really changed my relationship to this fandom. in bad ways. #and ik im prob. gonna get some anon saying im annoying for complaining/that theyre glad im gone or whatever mean shit i always get when im #being honest about what it felt like to be a creative person in this fandom #but whatever this is my blog and some of the people who steal others' stories should know how it feels #and it feels like shit #about me #i have like... a message from that person from like... last friday ?? asking permission #and i didnt reply cos i simply did not see it #cos i dont open wattpad #unless someone sends me a link to a stolen copy of my fic #idk when they started posting maybe they did ask first #but still #its written in my ao3 profile #its written in the tts author's note #its fucking written on my twt profile #i dont know how much clearler i can make myself #idk maybe im a bad person their message says theres a revolution in iran and thats why i should say yes... idk

[professionaljester]

what are you suppose to do when all the coping skills a therapist would teach you arent working

#ABC shut it #trying to self therapy myself sucks but how am i suppose to get better #but none of these skills seems to be working anymore and im just sick of it #sick of feeling depressed and bad all the time #sick of feeling like only bad things happen to me (they do) #(i get my hopes up and encourage myself for once and its always the same outcome of sadness and dissapointment) #like what am i suppose to do when the world is out to get me #and i feel like i havve no one and im so alone #its so bad i justhave a meltdown over every little thing bc nothing in my life NEVER goes right nothing good EVER happens #this is not the depression talking these are facts and tract records #itry and i try and things stuill dont work out for me #i try and make more friends and i feel like they all just think im annoying and wish i wouldnt talk to them #like i know i cant except to be talked to first but what am i suppose to do when i try to engage and im just talked over and ignored #or i get thevibe the person doesnt actually like me or is talking to me anyways just to get it over with #and and the paranoia is bad on top of just the general depressionbut what am i suppose to do abt it if i feel i cant talk to anyone abt it #bc all i do is complain but what do i have to talk abt if my life is boring and nothign interseting happens to me #the only interesting thing abt me is i know ppl who have way more interesting lives then me and are more successful than me #like what am i suppose to do when i want to kill myself but cant bc all the ways to kill yourself sound fucking horrible ways to go out

[yarrowleef-babbles]

(it case it needs 2 be said, when i make speculative live-blog thought posts like this, i Do Not want anyone to confirm or deny or give me hints about what happens later, unless i specifically ask plz and ty)

ANYWAY jumping off that last post, one of the things I consistently saw in fanart before i knew anything was a queer pairing involving...SOMEONE, couldnt say who since my memory is being filtered through a me that couldn't keep any of the names straight. I ALSO could not for the life of me tell if it was *actually canon* or if it was one of those instances of a fan pairing getting really popular and taking over fanworks, even though its just ""subtext"" in canon (which often translates to 'the characters hang out a lot'.....i'm not *mad*, i have simply been mislead and then disappointed by canon when it comes to fandom habits like this more than once)

but it felt so consistent that i THINK it may have actually been based on canon. so i have spent this reading wondering who and how it was going to manifest

like is Ronan having vaguley homoerotic nightmares about Adam but twisted up and colored through the Catholic Guilt(tm) filter or am i reading it wrong lmao

#it is kinda fun knowing (maybe) that its a thing but trying to rule out who it applies to #like i think its ronan and i am not against it being with adam #largely because adams doomed relationship with blue is depressing an id like it to be put out of its misery #adam made a passing comment at ronan in book one about him being 'not straight' #and declan glared at him for laying too close to adam in the car. that felt significant #but what i dont know is if ronan is actually *out* to anyone or to himself #because he's never directly addressed it #like the prologue alluded to a type of secret that one doesn't want to admit to themself #and maybe??? its that?? #im just saying he describes adam as very pretty fairly often but still in a plausibly deniable way #BUT ALSO. theres A LOT of shit going on with him. idk if 'being gay' is a big enough deal to warrant being a real ~secret~ #when compared to the life and death nature of the other sorts of secrets in this story #BUT HIS FAMILY *IS* VERY CATHOLIC #which could MAKE it a big cataclysmic deal #idk!! theres a lot i still dont understand about ronan #the narrative definitley isnt always straight forward about why he is feeling certain ways #he just Feels Something and it upsets him and you kind of have to figure out the pattern yourself #which i appreciate but also no idea if inam projecting completley the wrong narrative onto his emotions lol #he gets occasionally internally angry when gansey fixates on adam. hes randomly very hostile towards blue. idk. whats up with that bud. #i mean i think it would be very interesting if it were implying that because i always appreciate complicated crushes portrayed subtly #without the author holding your hand with whats going on #i just hope im not missing some Bigger More Important Thing by thinking about it like this #yarrow reads trc #trc #the raven cycle #dream thieves #cause Adam also...made a vague sacrifice to some talking trees #and THAT could very well be the only reason Ronan is dreaming of him in such bizarre ways

[alchemiclee]

as a fellow introvert; we are social creatures. introverts who purposefully see no one for months on end are usually just in a cycle where its been so long since they’ve hung out that it’s too intimidating for them to do anymore. i 100% feel tired after hanging out with my friends but i DO also feel happy and refreshed! tl;dr - you’re super normal lol. try to reach out to a couple people just to chat this week <3

thanks for reaching out I really appreciate it❤️ but I have to rant a bit. I allow you to ignore it!

I wish to not be a social creature because going too long without having a friend to talk to or not having someone to talk with almost daily feels bad and it's so hard to have a friend when I need one D:

i've been reaching out to people for the last few weeks or so but they don't reach back. try playing games with people but they play with their other friends or dont feel like playing. invite people to hang out but they say maybe and never give an answer or don't respond.

I don't want to bother my closest friends in our group chat too much in our group chat but the chat is mostly me sending messages with no response and even couple times saying I need a friend when I was having bad days but they didn't want to chat and I dont want to force anyone to entertain my lonely depressed ass. (especially when all I really needed was to talk about the new star rail stuff to distract me but I don't think they've finished it yet so I don't want to spoil) they live together so they always have to socialize and probably make each other tired without needing to add me to it.

so i've also been trying to reach out to new people, like joining twitch chats again for the first time in years. but that never goes well and doesn't satisfy my social needs. too many people talking at once and being the new person no one cares about and all....getting to know a new is very exhausting. but it's so hard to just be able to skip all that getting to know each other stuff jump straight into talking about a thing we both like (in this case it's star rail and cosplay and maybe art) I don't have enough already-known people to reach out to and i'm too tired to do the small talk dance until it's appropriate to jump into special interest territory. being autistic is so exhausting. I with to be one of those rare autistics I sometimes hear about that have 0 interest in social interaction at all

so as you can see, i'm trying. so hard. to the point I'm exhausting myself. it's been too much work for no payoff and makes things feel worse when the outcome isn't what I need and its constant reaching with no one grabbing my hand back. so I keep making annoying tumblr posts about it. i'm so sorry to anyone that reads my nonsense 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is a normal thing with me but it's usually kept to my other blog that's reserved for more serious posts like this but I tried posting here as a way to "reach out" and see if it invites any friendly friends or something but I don't think i'm doing it right...

(but I am going to a con tomorrow with someone I haven't talked to in like 2 years. but we don't have anything in common anymore so theres not much to talk about. he's the only person who responded to me after trying to reach out for like a month but I fear it will only exhaust me being around too many people and not help this gross need to have a deeper connecting socialization D:)

#i dont know how to ask for attention without asking for attention because attention seeking is bad and annoying #the more needy and annoying you come off the more people will ignore you. saying i need someone to talk to or hang out with gets me ignored #but being vague gets me also ignored???? like just trying to start a convo by throwing things out randomly doesnt work either #so if i cant be direct or indirect or invite people or ask to be invited or anything else ive tried ehst do i do? #how do i satisfy this stupid social need im cursed with? it takes me a month or 3 to recover from socializing so its not like i always ask #but its still too much. and “you need to find the right people” isnt helpful. because how!!! ive been looking for that for 30 years lmao #i just need someone to invite me and always invite me every time and always reach out first every time (well not every time. just dont make #me be the one every time because thats how it usually seems to go) #but no one wants to do the work and tell me when its ok to bother them. if i bother someone too many times in a row and get no response #then i will stop and wait. and wait. and wait. and give up eventually. or after certain amount of rejections i give up. #so that i dont come off as needy and attention seeking and obnoxious. if people want me they can come to me. and when no one does #that just feels bad. i hate that it feels bad. i wish to make that stop. i wish to turn off feelings. #i cannot figure out the line between bothering someone too much or just enough. how much am i required to push people #and how much is too much where i snap the line while trying to reel them in? because ive snapped more times than ive caught #or the bait just gets completely ignored and i get bored of waiting #oops im slipping into metaphor territory now. that means its time to stop saying words. #hopefully no one reads my annoying tags. i just needed a free space to ramble and vent amd tags are lile little whispers to do that in #but also it is autism acceptance month. people should be adopting a local autistic(me) person to show them what having friends is like #lee rants #im being super particular about how i need to socialize right now as well. dont want trauma bonding/life talks/depression sharing type stuff #only want special interest light hearted goofy fun talks. but those are so hard to do. its easy for people to default into doom conversation #but its hard to keep them on my topic of interest and to stay positive 😭

[lunataurora]

kinda funny seeing that last queued tf post with me gushing in the tags abt the comic bc i havent felt joy or even an emotional connection reading mtmte for a while

#idk man something just aint right. whether im just getting hit with another depressive episode or. idk. #the writing just feels... different. it feels weirdly cartoony? even though. the beginning was also really cartoony? but this feels worse #i liked the beginning so much more i liked the characters that cared so little about each other and the overall oppressive mood #idk part of it is i really dont like typical western superhero comic tropes and writing styles at aalllllllll #i cant stand the lack of foreshadowing and 'well just believe that it was secretly always like this' and the superpowers and trying to #raise the stakes by just Saying 'you might die' but its ok nobody does nor does the concern cross your mind #and i cant tell if the jokes are worse or more frequent but certain characters dont even seem like themselves anymore to me #the last thing i enjoyed was around when rewind killed a man. everything since has felt like some marvel movie type writing and it hurts #what happened to nuance and reading between the lines my good friends nuance and reading between the lines #'the one with sunder was good its a really good horror' <- why did you lie to me. are you mad at me #it wasnt even fun..... wasnt even interesting...... #isnt this supposed to be a story abt attempting to adjust to postwar life and how fucked everything is. and how no #-thing is morally cut between good/evil? theres nuance? theres depth? whered all that depth go? maybe i imagined it this whole time #like.even the thing with skids gave me less of an impact when its surrounded by such. cheezyness. it deserves more consideration? respect? #good god its a very direct depiction of a very real horror dealt to rEAL PEOPLE #AND ITS CORRELATED WITH 'OTHERS RECEIVE SUPERPOWERS FROM THIS REVELATION' FUCK YOU #i feel bad for that plotline existing in that fucking situation jesus fucking christ you can't just do something like that #like. just. 'trauma gives you superpowers and also your suffering makes others stronger' how abt i go drink bleach. #maybe someone else will have a GREAT time if i do. <- kidding but like. christ man what the fuck #does this have to do with his whole 'i shouldnt have done red alert like that' idk what to tell you boss but that was nowhere near as bad #as the skids superpower giving scene. #red alert was fine it made sense it was severely relatable. it happens. but skids? no that fucking doesnt. what is that even trying to mean #beyond yknow. what guilt does to people. and cementing the worst of the war that um. isnt going to feel much justice at all it seems #sorry im in a very. tear everything apart kind of mood #dummy posts

[jadeneppy]

Welp

#okay well im starting to ' lose interest ' in my boss i still tgink hes neat but hhhh now the dumb part of my brain has activated #ive become self conscious and am makin myself be weary of my own feelings. #which... sucks fr i feel depressed again cuz i just genuinely want someone to like me in a romantic way i want to be earnestly loved #its also maybe whu im gonna shave my head soon <333 #i saw him for the first time in a week and just felt dull #didn't even laugh at his comment ` sup gay boy ' as hes now seem to greet me compared to his first greetings #maybe ill just put a techno stream on so i can cry and fall asleep #i still cant stop crying about techno it still hurts and his death anniversary is so close #i wish you liked me when i liked you and there wasn't an obstacle because now that im free from my infatuation i don't know what to do #i want to be loved in a gentle way like ive always loved #xzzt

[cptnbeefheart]

need to complain for a sec hehe

really upsetting when i come into work feeling refreshed because i was finally able to unwind for the first night after a week of working. I feel prepared to have a good day and check off all the remaining things on my weekly to-do list for the first time in a whole week ! but after sitting down and looking around at all of the incomplete work on my desk, or having coworkers come up to me and ask for updates on projects i was supposed to have finished for them a week ago, or having my boss remind me of what not to do.. i just feel guilty for not having done my best that week. its really stupid because i guess it all comes from assessing my self worth based on the work im getting done.  and how i should just be grateful that i have a job where i can sit down all day. which is all an objectively stupid mentality, probably conjured by capitalists to guilt me into overworking and undervaluing myself. but its soul crushing! i understand that billions of people are working jobs that they could not care less about, and that i’ll be doing this for the rest of my life. it just really upsets me. when im on the clock im thinking about all the art i want to be creating, all the video games i could be playing, all the shows i could be watching etc.. I find it difficult to have energy for my interests when i AM off the clock. i dont have a physical labor job, im looking at a computer screen all day. so why do i feel so exhausted when i come home from work? so much that i cant do any of my interests (which usually help me unwind and feel better !!) !!!!!!

#maybe i am a lousy worker but i shouldnt feel like this if i wasnt doing SOMETHING.. idk #there really are some good benefits working here. ill have insurance when i get kicked off my parents eventually #and i get paid time off. and holidays. it really is not a bad job. theres upward mobility #it just feels like ill never have a job that ill like. even if it involves my interests or even if it is more tactile than this job is #i just feel like i hate working as a concept LOL #its just annoying that im always having to self soothe and do like self care routines every day when i come home like it sucks it sucks. #im being such a baby idk. ive had jobs before and ive been working here for 1.5 years. i think im just able to articulate the parts i dont #like about it better now #driving home from work every day really angry and being irritable is annoying. its fine im okay like this is dumb and im okay! #there are times that im super depressed though and it makes me feel really hopeless. im doing good now though. just angry to cope i guess #long post #lol can you tell that my therapist is influenced by cognitive behavioral therapy by the way i talk #tldr having a steady job is annoying