the thing about destiel that hits so hard for me is that cas is thee number one dean understander. no one in dean’s life has EVER gotten dean the way that cas does. no one has ever even tried to. dean takes care of everyone he loves. but cas…cas is the only one who takes care of dean back
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BECAUSE YOU'RE MY HEADLINER!!!!!
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SO PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT'LL YOU GO MY HEART CAN'T BEAR THE NEWS JUST KNOWING THAT YOU'LL BE A THOUSAND LIGHT YEARS AWAY *sobs*
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hey I just remembered Lost and Found and I wanted to thank you again for sharing it! It's still one of my favourite stories to this day
the fact that lost & stolen was my senior undergrad thesis and you sent this minutes after i submitted my graduate thesis...
i feel so grateful for everyone who read lost & stolen bc the support you showed me pushed me to submit it to my mfa program. like that story got me to grad school. y'all got me to grad school. and i worked on and revitalized it in workshop in said grad school. like... hath and cleo followed me all the way to graduation and i feel so stupidly emotional in this moment... thank you anon this is so kind and wonderful thank you a million times
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sometimes I think of all the on-the-surface warm, well-meaning but deeply ineffectual advice and attention john gives harrow through harrow the ninth (make some soup and get some sleep! get a hobby! don't be so hard on yourself! self care harrow! as long as I need take no actual responsibility in this relationship whatsoever I would have loved to be your dad!) set up against the stark truth that with his other hand he has been staging her attempted horrific murder again and again and again like a living nightmare on the logic that it will 'put her down or fix her'. and then I find that I wish there is a hell. a special hell where twitch streamers turned necromantic death emperors go
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that ivan loves till is the most obvious thing about them
but. does ivan know that…?
the ivan that regards his own feelings as shallow, the ivan that learned how emotions are expressed only from copying others… does he even know that the love he’s felt for so long is love?
probably not. and part of the reason is the one he loves himself
because the easiest example he has of love is till's feelings to mizi. till outright calls it love, and ivan watches him so much he has to be aware of this
and till’s love to mizi is totally unselfish, right. he doesn’t seem to actually want much from her—just that she's still there and still "mizi"
but ivan can't be satisfied with just watching
he… wants. ivan wants till’s attention, till’s affection—
surely this selfish wanting can’t be love
...no wonder he was never able to express his feelings straightforwardly when he belittles them so much
but he can’t stand not having anything either, so he does… whatever he does instead to get any scraps of attention he can, from someone he's convinced doesn't care about him at all
only showing affection when till can't see it, right until he knows he's going to die
but ivan's feelings for till are all he still has of himself... to think of them as shallow...
I've seen this translated as "I should've been kinder" to him (till) or to her (sua)
but really, the one he should've been kinder to was himself
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