#it's not my fault that i'm bipolar either

[anghraine]

Another form of Depression Discourse that I'm extremely wary of is "here are some things that can help with depression, so it's totally curable! You just have to do The Things, even if they're hard."

The issue is that—yes, there are things you may be able to do that can help with depression, for some people. There are habits that are likely to be helpful, like dragging yourself to things you normally like or getting exercise where possible.

Does this mean that those things intrinsically cure depression if you just pull yourself up by your bootstraps try hard enough? No. They can cure some people's depression completely. They can help other people's. It depends on the person.

But for me, the incessant do this, do that, you've got to take responsibility and get over it, has always been far more discouraging than learning about things like the relatively high rate of recurrence. I used to think that the reason I couldn't get past it was wholly on me. It kept coming back because I was lazy or undisciplined or self-indulgent or simply not doing the right things for whatever reason. Not trying hard enough. I told myself that if I could just summon up enough will to push myself past it, I would cure myself by sheer personal strength.

But I never could.

It tended to come back worse when I was under a lot of pressure, but no matter how good things were, it always returned. I'd spend a week or two feeling really good and motivated and energetic, then irritable and anxiously go-go-go yet very distractable—and then there'd be this awful crash into another episode of depression, over and over and over. I lived in my favorite city, I took walks, I went to readings, I volunteered, I kept myself and my apartment clean, and yet I couldn't overcome it.

The only thing that really put a significant dent in it was getting diagnosed as bipolar and put on mood stabilizers and eventually antipsychotics. And it still comes back! The crash is less extreme, most of the time—but I have grad student insurance for my medication, I have a psychiatrist and access to counseling when I need it, legal accommodations, and necessarily keep a fairly strict schedule. Going to my university in person rather than online helps, doing things I ordinarily like helps, sleeping regular hours helps. None of them help very much without medication. And for me, nothing helps enough to cure it.

The point is not that improvement is impossible, or that it never goes away for good. It does for some people! It does for many people. But, without denying the effort those people have put in, there is an element of good fortune to that. I think it's important for the people who aren't cured, who can never pull the bootstraps hard enough, to know that that's not a moral failing. It's not because we're weak or undisciplined, it's not because we aren't trying, it's not because we have any less value or merit than the people who get better or people who never have depression at all.

So, personally, I think a more important, generally accurate, and compassionate message than "depression will get better if you just try hard enough" is this one:

Whether you're cured or not, whether the usual recommendations help much or not, whether medications help or not: this isn't your fault.

#it is most similar to asthma for me—i can make lifestyle decisions that often minimize or prevent my symptoms #but man if the temperature drops or someone smokes near me or the air is polluted or i'm exposed to allergens—back it comes #sometimes just lying down gives me the Asthma Cough and keeps me awake #and it's not my fault! i just have a disease #it's not my fault that i'm bipolar either #honestly this is part of the reason that lotr speaks so strongly to me—apart from my gondor stanning and all #frodo tries so hard and he doesn't succeed and he doesn't get better and he is still worthy of the greatest praise #and his choices still contributed heavily to victory in the end even if he couldn't do it on his own #this is more powerful for me than all the recovery narratives in the world honestly #anghraine rants #anghraine babbles #rare breed of attack unicorn #depression #bipolar disorder #long post

[froshele]

You know we pick on the Aspirant but I think we don't do it comprehensively at all, because even among cultists I think they truly are special.

Nobody else is entirely normal compared to the librarian either. It's just that they have solid reasons to be doing their thing:

1. Exile has the world's most dramatic relationship to his father possible and is hopping continents and cities instead of working it out, sure. But it's (partly) because he's an Antaean, and Duffoure Senior really and genuinely forreal sucks.

2. Dancer is ... in a possibly survival based position that they choose not to leave for better things despite knowing that it's full to the gills with horrific occult threats to wellbeing. To be fair, they are within rights to prefer that to the attention of their patrons, but basically on the we respect sex workers and, what, adult entertainers website I don't really need to elaborate on the fact that whatever Dancer gotta do is whatever Dancer gotta do. At some point it may switch from getting that bag to becoming a chorus dancer for the Thunderskin, or to becoming a full time esoteric furry, but to be honest go sib go I refuse to fault the Dancer for anything they're my favourite. They were in what may be read as an inescapable pipeline and they won that shit, no notes, pack it in everybody.

3. It is a beautiful day and Priest is a terrible priest, actually I'm unsure of what Priest's deal is, I think Priest might just be Priesting correctly. Their religious framework sacralizes their despair and mania, which like, ok, not healthy maybe, but it gets them through the day without chugging opium!

4. Detective and Physician are just ill but functioning guys with jobs who happen to have totally justified brushes with the Mansus and make some rash decisions.

5. Medium??? Is a totally legitimate businesswoman don't even fret about it :)

Aspirant, though. Aspirant isn't forced into their life nor has it thrust upon them nor do they respond in any sense normally to being willed a bunch of occult stuff - they're just, like... Like That, from the jump, from the moment they as a surly hospital janitor have access to occult concepts. And the Like That that they are is totally divorced from their mechanically represented condition; everyone else has the same condition. Nobody else seems to make the same choice for the same reason, Just Because They Can -- the ending text is the same but I think the context, right, the context really does a lot of quite heavy work here.

Everyone else is /capable/ of pursuing one of Aspirant's victories, but, um, they don't really... I mean their heart's not in it, nobody seriously reads it as canon when they do. I bet you didn't even remember it was possible to ascend under a different Hour as the Dancer!

Which brings me to this: nothing at all has happened to make the Aspirant talk or think in their very instrumental and personally cruel type of way. Their existence as a menial hospital worker is far from as precarious as some others', their main gripe seems to just be that it's not very stimulating.

There's no backstory causing it, they're not undead, they seem to have not been working before because they think it's beneath them, they don't metaphysically or personally /need/ to be doing what they do. They do what they do /specifically because they crave that mineral,/ that mineral being for some reason immortality and phenomenal cosmic power.

And they WANT it. They want to be an unspeakable bodiless radiance or an ithastry-golem or one of the Grail's heaps of awful devouring minions more than anyone should have strength to want anything. It's a fixation for them, an obsession, possibly a symptom of their mental illness, since we have to manage what is actually a very strongly crafted but probably unintentional representation of bipolar with schizoaffective traits.

From specifically the point of view of ludonarrative integration I think it's fair to diagnose everybody in that game with a dread-fascination cycle in some capacity with some form of something in that general region. But Aspirant is probably the one with the worst coping mechanisms, and the one in the most need of help -- everybody else has friends or coworkers or voices to talk to at least, and something else to do in their life. The Aspirant... paints ominous pictures and smokes opium.

Exile grieves their dead, you get a card about it and heaps of exposition and all. BYT seems to be doing the whole thing kind of half as a bit at least at first, and I guess you could say they deliberately don't get too close to anyone. Physician is academically curious and honouring a patient's last wishes. Detective is just doing their literal actual rentpaying job. Dancer likewise, at first. Priest. Ghoul, if you want to get deterministic about it. But Aspirant just does all the culty horrible things the others have to be professionally inured to doing, /for no initial reason and with no training at all/ except a desire to cope badly with The Wolf, Despair.

Aspirant is just ... Aspirant. They just... are Aspirant. They're the most Cultist of all the cultists, even the other POV guys in that game.

Whatever Librarian does calmly and from a hinged mental state, no matter how eldritch, has nothing on Aspirant, who woke up one beautiful day [arning, burning, yearning, burning, yearning, burning, yearning, burning, ye] and completely uprooted their entire life to become an antisocial, occult hermit who isn't even very good at it

#book of hours game #cultist simulator #hushposting

[randomshyperson]

Yellow Curtains - Chapter Two - Wanda Maximoff Series

Summary: Wanda Maximoff's senior year at Novi Grad School is duly planned for her. She has good friends, good grades, and a good system to hide who she really is. Or, the one based on Evak from the Norway Skam series, where Wanda is queer and tries to survive the last year without anyone knowing about it.

Warnings: (+18), general warnings about language and violence, legal drug use, mentions of underage drinking, high school, internalized homophobia and discovery of sexuality, explicit mentions of mental disorders (bipolarity and depression), dysfunctional family, making out, and eventual smut.

Skamverse | Series | General Masterlist | AO3 | Wattpad

--//--

Chapter Two - The Cabin

Ponedeljek 7:30 (Monday 7:30 am)

"Who can dissertate on the Sokovian Revolution of '74?"

The history teacher's question echoed in the classroom, but all he got in response were crestfallen students and soft giggles. T'Challa sighed, a small smile on his lips. "Come on guys, pay attention." He asked, nodding to the digital board where some information from the day's subject matter read. "We discussed last class how the labor revolution allowed Sokovia to become a first-world country in less than fifty years and about how that..."

Wanda's attention fell on the outside, birds flying in the sky above the main courtyard. She watched a few students walk by, and monitors asking what they were doing outside the room, before trying to force her attention back to the matter. 

The minutes dragged on as Professor T'Challa explained about Sokovian independence. Wanda didn't usually have trouble with humanities subjects, but lately, she had been so distracted.

Suddenly, the professor's talk was interrupted by the arrival of Vice Principal Harkness at the door. And she was not alone.

"Hi, T'Challa, good morning. We have a new student; She is late but is my fault, we had a problem with the paperwork. Is it okay if she watches the class?" Asked the woman - practically pushing the new student inside. 

The teacher agreed, of course, smiling gently, and the whole room looked at the student. 

Wanda held her breath, those eyes were so familiar...

"Shit, it's her!" Natasha whispered beside her with some indignation, and Wanda blinked away the new student to her best friend.

"Sorry, what?" the girl asks confused. Natasha nods to the new student's chair.

"It's the girl Carol brought to Tony's party." Nat explains in a low tone so the teacher won't hear. "Shit, I can't believe she's going to study right in our class. I am so unlucky."

T'Challa called for silence from the excited students, and Wanda tried to pay attention to the subject, not understanding why it bothered her that a stranger might be taken.

She was curious about the new student, but everyone else was. And when the class was over, and the table was filled with several other students greeting them and asking where they were from, Wanda gave up trying to find out too.

Natasha seemed willing to run away and practically dragged Wanda out into the courtyard.

They sat down at one of the outside tables, and it wasn't long before Pietro and Clint joined them. 

"Maximoff, you have something of mine." Barton declared as soon as he sat down, and Wanda sighed in defeat.

"I don't." She retorted. "I probably lost it at the party."

"What? Damn it, Wanda, it was three hundred euros!"

"I know, sorry." She asks immediately. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

Clint raises an eyebrow. "Well..."

"Dude!" Pietro interrupts with an angry grimace, giving his friend a hard shove. "It's my sister!" He recalls, but Clint laughs, raising his hands as a sign of peace.

"I'm joking, relax!" He assures between laughs. He then slips an arm around Wanda's shoulders, hugging her for a moment. "You don't worry either. It was because of the police at Tony's apartment, right? You were quick to think of getting out of there, he would have gotten in trouble."

Wanda forces a smile. "Yeah, but now I owe you 300 euros."

Clint shrugs. "Pay me back when you can." He says pushing her shoulder against his lightly. "You can do my homework too."

Wanda rolls her eyes, laughing weakly. "I'll think about it."

They fall into casual conversation after that. Clint comments about the party, and the boys on the team, and Pietro talk about his date with Crystal going well. Natasha is distracted, her gaze keeps going to the other side of the yard, and Wanda sighs slightly when she realizes who her friend is staring at.

"Have you talked to Carol yet?" The younger Maximoff asks, receiving a deep sigh in return.

"Not really, but I don't need to right?" Nat retorts looking at Wanda. " She clearly moved on."

Wanda frowns slightly, looking at the small group. The new student seems close to Carol, and they're all laughing, but she's not as sure about it as Natasha is.

"I don't know, Nat, maybe they're just friends." She tries, and Natasha gives a sad laugh.

"Whatever, Wands. It's not like we have anything official." 

"I think you should talk to her." Wanda insists, and Pietro and Clint join the conversation as well.

"Me too." Barton says. "Make things clear."

"I don't think so." Pietro comments shrugging. "Avoid her, make her anxious. She'll get the message."

Wanda rolls her eyes. "Don't listen to him." 

Nat laughs lightly, and when he sees Tony's group entering the courtyard he lets out an exclamation. "Shit, speaking of crushes, I'll be right back." And walks off towards Tony Stark the next moment.

Wanda feels her blood run cold. From her friend's excitement and the giggles of the boys and glances Tony steals in her direction, she knows exactly what they are talking about.

Natasha runs back to them with a proud smile on her lips.

"Great news, Maximoff." She declares. "Tony told me he's taking his brother for the cabin on the holiday, so we'll all be together and you'll get a chance to get to know him better."

The boys make teasing sounds, and Wanda can only force a laugh. 

When the bell rings, announcing the next class, and her gaze meets the new student's on the other side, she wants to believe she is imagining the way her heart speeds up.

The Independence holiday means four days off, and since eighth grade, Wanda's friends organize some trips, mainly to Stark’s winter cabin, even though it's not really cold.

The weeks go by quickly - which is great. Wanda's attention span at school doesn't improve, and she grows irritated at her brain's insistence on stealing glances at the new student, with whom she shares a single history class a week. 

She learns a few things about the new student. Their first name, the taste for rock bands that she notices due to the black T-shirts, the skateboarding skills from the item they use to leave school. She learns that they are from New York and that they are not Carol's partner.

It is Natasha who is investigating, of course. And Wanda was in the middle of reading an article when her best friend addresses the whole thing.

"You won't believe it, Maximoff! I'm so stupid!"

Wanda frowns. "What? What are you-"

"Y/N is not Carol's girlfriend! They are sisters!" She declares, holding out her cell phone at the brunette's eye level. "She just posted this."

It is open on Instagram, a photo of Carol with the new student riding her skateboard in the city park. In the caption 'I missed you, little sister! Glad you're here now!" Wanda feels a wave of relief fill her body and doesn't know why.

Natasha exclaims excitedly, "You know what that means, right?"

"Žal ne (No, sorry)." Wanda mutters uncertainly, but Nat chuckles.

"Silly girl, it means I'm back in the game!" Declares the redhead. "I'll like her last few stories and put her back in the best friends. She'll get the message."

"Or you could just talk to her..."

Nat laughs through her nose. "You're funny, Wanda." Says the girl, turning her attention back to her cell phone.

Wanda doesn't want to think too much about the whole matter. She doesn't really know you, and it seems ridiculous that you don't leave her thoughts. She is sure that it is Nat's fault and her momentary obsession with Carol.

When the Independence holiday arrives, and she finds herself in a crowded car heading for Tony Stark's cabin, her anxiety returns. She remembers that there, it would be Vision, and that everyone expected her to leave the cabin with a new boyfriend. Would it be too late to give up the trip?

"I'll take the window bed!" Clint and Pietro got into a pushing fight over the largest room as soon as they arrived. Wanda just wanted to sit down, because Tony's group was finishing checking out the entrance to the cabin's compound - Rich people's stuff - and they were all stealing glances at her.

By the time Carol's car arrived, Wanda was dressed more comfortably and smelled of soap. She had taken advantage of the fight for rooms to use the shower before everyone else, and although she only got one bunk, she was satisfied with the impossibility of sleeping with someone else next to her. It read Vision.

"I swear to god this girl is trying to kill me." Natasha gasps low from the balcony next to Wanda, watching Carol get out of the car in short shorts and a button-down shirt practically all open, showing off a sports top underneath. Wanda laughs at her friend's reaction, but when you get down from the back of the truck, she shallows dry.

You are busy pulling a motorcycle out of the back, and Wanda's brain clicks.

She recognizes the vehicle, and the helmet, and her heart speed up so much that it's the only thing she hears in her ears for a moment.

"Her sister's hot too, huh?" Natasha comments half-impressed, and Wanda immediately looks away. 

"I don't know, I don't like girls." She retorts, surprising Nat with her aggressiveness. The redhead gives a confused laugh.

"Okay? But you can tell a girl is pretty without being attracted to her." The redhead says, but Wanda clears her throat and hugs her own body.

"Sure, whatever." She murmurs. "I'm gonna take a nap, I'm tired from the trip." She says, practically running inside.

She doesn't notice your gaze searching for her.

–//–

Petek, 20:40 (Friday, 8:40am)

Wanda awoke in a very quiet cabin. 

She wasn't surprised that everyone went to bed early, after all the trip had been equally tiring for everyone, yet it bothered her a little to be the first to wake up.

She left her bunk as quietly as she could, watching her brother in the bottom bed snore lightly as he slept on his stomach.

After going to the bathroom, she was disappointed to find a completely empty kitchen and thought about waking Nat or Tony for a company to the market when she heard footsteps in the living room.

You opened the door making some noise, because the key got stuck in the doorknob.

"Shit." You muttered to yourself, struggling a bit to unhook the item. Wanda stepped into the kitchen doorway, hands in front of her body, and you jumped slightly when she wished you good morning half uncertainly. But your surprise gave way to a smile the next second. "Zdravo! (Hello) Sorry about the noise!"

Wanda shook her head, smiling as well. "Don't worry, you're Y/N, right? Carol's sister."

You raise an eyebrow at her, a charming smile playing on your lips. Wanda hates it. Hates how gorgeous you look right now, the twist in her stomach. She swallows dryly, and you lean on the door.

"She mentioned me, huh?" you ask. "Or maybe you asked."

Wanda's cheeks flush, and she grimaces to disguise it. "She mentioned it." She assures you with a half-trembling voice, which seems to amuse you. "Anyway, do you know where I can find food in this place? I'm starving."

You chuckle lightly, tossing the door key on the small table next to you and reaching out to grab your wallet from there and another set of keys from the support, which has a keychain that Wanda recognizes as belonging to Carol.

"Of course, princess, we'll find food for you." You say, and Wanda knows she is blushing at the nickname, but follows you anyway, just like the first night. And outside, walking side by side toward Carol's truck, you extend your hand to her. "I'm Y/N Danvers, by the way. We haven't officially introduced ourselves."

Wanda shakes your hand. "I'm-"

"Wanda Maximoff." You complete with a small smile, still holding her hand. "And I asked about it."

Wanda pulls her hand away before you realize that she is shaking.

You get in the car first, whistling lightly as you start the truck. Wanda tries to play it cool, keeping her arms crossed the whole way to the market. It's not far, but it seems like every minute drags.

"Did you get home safely after that day?" Your sudden question surprises her a little. Wanda frowns until she remembers what you are talking about.

"Hmm, yeah." She answers. "Someone else gave me a ride home." She says with a small smile.

You don't take your eyes off the road. "You lied to me, Maximoff." You comment then, to which Wanda looks at you with confusion. A small smile plays on her lips. "You are not part of the Avengers. You snuck into an event of ours, I could have ended up in trouble..."

"Hey, you're the one who practically kidnapped me from Tony's party!" Wanda defends herself. "And you asked if I was his friend, which I am, not if I was part of his group of protesters!"

You laugh, shaking your head. "Relax, I'm just messing with you." You comment, but Wanda can only give a nervous laugh because you give her thigh a gentle squeeze and she forgets how to breathe. The touch fades away at the same speed as it happened, your hands returning to the steering wheel, but Wanda's skin is still prickling. "I asked Carol about the mystery girl and she told me you weren't part of the group, but you were trustworthy and welcome in everything. So relax."

Wanda smiles half proudly, glad that Carol trusts her so much even though they are not so close. You cross a green light, and at the next turn, you find the supermarket parking lot.

Whatever this conversation means, it completely improves the atmosphere between you, making the interaction very light and fun. Wanda is unfamiliar at first - Pietro would recognize that Wanda had a shy and alert nature even better than she did. He would constantly tease her about being too self-conscious, and in need of relaxing, and would surely be surprised to see her laugh as easily as she is doing now. 

You picked up a shopping cart and seemed to have made it your morning mission to make her laugh as you sort through the groceries. You did little dances with the objects, threw bad jokes and flirtations at her, and even told loose facts as if you were close friends.

Wanda now knew that you lived in a shared apartment with Carol and two other girls and that you could speak Sokovian fluently. You were not a vegetarian even though you tried about three times, and you couldn't have pets even though you really wanted a cat because your roommates were allergic. And you could sing Lorde.

"She's so dramatic, I love it." You declare as the music starts on the speakers in the marketplace. You and Wanda are in the pasta aisle, and she giggles softly. "She's like a Taylor Swift of lesbians, but more alternative."

Wanda chuckles, soft anxiety rising in her stomach. She follows you down the hallway. "But there's a theory that Taylor Swift likes girls too, you know?"

You chuckle, shrugging. "Yeah, I've heard of it. But I think I prefer the ones who actually came out.  Nothing against Taylor, of course, she's a great artist. I just won't refer to her as a queer icon when she's never really taken her place in the community."

Wanda bites her tongue, the question about your sexuality on the tip. Would it be weird to question whether you liked girls in the middle of pasta hall? And why would that make a difference to her?

Your cell phone vibrates, and as soon as you read the notification, you huff softly. Wanda is curious to know what it is, but you put the device away and hurry up the pace. "Come on, Maximoff, our friends are hungry too."

You are distant on the way back, and Wanda twists the fabric of her shorts in curiosity as to why. 

Luckily, you accompany her to the kitchen with the groceries. 

The guys in the cabin are waking up a bit, but the space is small enough that no one will bother you two with breakfast, even if the living room fills up with teenagers.

"Can you make the coffee while I prepare sandwiches for us?" You ask so gently that Wanda doesn't even hear the question properly, and only nods in agreement. She moves around, trying not to touch you - which is practically impossible in that small space - but you don't seem to notice much, busy with bread and cheese. "You're not a vegetarian, are you Maximoff? I was going to put some ham on this."

"I'm not, you can follow your recipe." Wanda retorts with a small smile, a curious look at the double sandwiches you are preparing. She bites her lip when you catch her looking and offers her a wink before returning to the task.

Carol appears in the kitchen doorway next.

"Good morning, cuties. Got any coffee?" She asks. Wanda denies it with her head.

"It's not ready yet."

Carol yawns, moving closer to look at the market bags you have brought. She chuckles then. "Jesus, Y/N, did you buy anything healthy?" You shrug, indifferent to the question. Carol sighs. "You know you have half the soccer team here, right?"

"If they're bothered they buy their own food." You retort impolitely. Carol rolls her eyes.

"Don't be rude; you know you should eat better too-"

"Sure, Mom." You cut her off, turning your back on her to hand Wanda her sandwich. "Here you go, princess."

The brunette smiles half-heartedly at the nickname in Carol's presence, but the blonde only sighs in defeat at the argument and doesn't even seem to notice. She leaves the kitchen, and you stare at Wanda expectantly. She smiles shyly before taking a bite of the sandwich and is surprised at how good it tastes.

"Wow, what did you put in here?"

You chuckle. "Chef's secret." You joke, wrinkling your nose in an adorable way as you pick up your sandwich. You eat together for a moment until the kettle beeps and Wanda leaves the rest of the sandwich on the countertop to finish the coffee.

"Did you like it?" you ask as she pours the drink. Wanda smiles.

"Yeah, quite a bit." She assures you. "Too bad it's a chef's secret, I'd love to learn how to make it."

You chuckle, finishing chewing your piece before clarifying:

"Well, it's a family recipe. That's why it's a secret. You'd have to be part Danvers to earn the legal right to know the ingredients." You joke, getting a soft chuckle from Wanda. You stare at her, almost fascinated. "What about you? Don't you have any family traditions?"

Wanda is thoughtful for a moment, an expression on her face that you would describe as adorable to say the least. And then she gives a small laugh.

"I think so." She says, pouring a mug. "Mom always prepares Šišky on birthdays. I think it looks like American doughnuts."

"Yummy." You murmur causing me to smile in agreement. "And when is your birthday?"

Wanda is surprised but smiles, "February 10th." She answers and watches you pull your cell phone out of your pocket at the same minute.

"Well, let me save the date then." You comment, putting her birth date into the calendar app with the greatest tranquility in the world. Wanda thinks she is blushing.

"What about your...?"

But her question goes unanswered because a tall boy appears in the kitchen doorway. It's Peter Parker, another of Tony's classmates who is on the soccer team. He stretches out gently and you put your cell phone away, placing your snack away on the counter to greet him.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." You say, and it is so affectionate that Wanda swallows dry. He chuckles sleepily, moving closer. Wanda's heart stops when he kisses you on the mouth. "Did you sleep well?"

He mumbles in agreement, shrugging before looking at Wanda and wishing her good morning. 

"What's for breakfast?" He asks.

"Food." You retort amusedly, making him chuckle and roll his eyes.

"Okay, smarty pants." He grumbles, yawning a little. "Clearly you didn't buy anything healthy, you know Steve's gonna give you a hard time for that, right?"

You shrug, letting him hug your waist. "I'm terrified." You comment wryly, making Peter laugh.

Wanda feels sick. He kisses your cheek again, and she clears her throat. She grabs the coffee mug, and barely manages to force a smile before practically running out of the kitchen.

The rest of the folks are gradually waking up, and when Wanda is on the porch drinking coffee, Vision comes over to greet her.

"You're Wanda, right? Tony told me about you." 

He is gentle, and he is good-looking. And Wanda remembers Peter Parker kissing you in the kitchen, so she smiles and asks Vision to sit with her. It's exactly as it should be, she convinces herself.

–//–

Ponedeljek, 14:30 (Monday, 2.40 am)

Whatever Wanda expected from this holiday, she was not prepared for anything that actually happened. 

On Saturday, everyone played paintball between the cabins. Vision was her partner. He was a good player, but you hit him on the top of his helmet two minutes into the game.

You looked Wanda in the eye but didn't shoot her, disappearing between the cabins the next minute. She kept thinking about this interaction all day.

On Sunday, the gang went outside to play soccer and it was a real mess. Wanda was discreetly watching you play, annoyed at the line her thoughts took with the image of you sweating and panting, but she had no choice but to stay outside because Carol and Natasha were making out in her bedroom. She wasn't sure when they happened again, but she wasn't surprised that she missed it, having been too busy the whole holiday trying not to pay attention to you.

When it was finally time to leave, and everyone was finishing cleaning the cabin in pairs, Wanda caught you and Peter fighting outside when she went to put some bottles out for recycling.

"I don't need a babysitter, Parker!" You angrily declared, gesturing a little. 

"I'm just taking care of you-"

"I'm not a fucking child!" 

Peter rolls his eyes. "No, but you act like one." He accuses annoyed, and you chuckle humorlessly, crossing your arms. He sighs in defeat, raising a hand to your arm but you pull away from the touch. "Okay, whatever. Go chill out, then we'll talk."

He walks off angrily into the cabin through the kitchen entrance, and Wanda makes a noise so as not to startle you.

You run a hand across your face, forcing a smile before approaching her, "Let me help you with this." You say, taking the case of beers from her hand without waiting for a response. Wanda swallows dryly, but decides to follow your cue, and picks up another box further away before following you to the recyclable trash cans.

You place one box next to the other on top of Carol's open truck, in the intention of separating the bottles and cans. Wanda takes a risk:

"Is everything okay between you and Peter?"

You chuckle weakly, grabbing two bottles from the pile.

"Sure, just a silly argument." You mutter moving away to put the bottles in the correct garbage can. "He's sweet, but he's still a man."

Wanda frowns. "What do you mean?"

You short, shrugging; "You've never had a boyfriend?" You ask, and Wanda denies it with her head. You sigh, searching for the right words. "Well, boys can be... obnoxious." You comment with a short laugh. "It's just, they're different. How they treat us, how they act with us and with other people. Peter is really sweet when he's with me, but when he's around his friends he's a jerk and kind of controlling. And by god, don't even get me started when it's around my father... Fucking treating me like I'm something he owns just to please the old man."

Wanda separates a few bottles, thoughtful towards your statements. "I'm sorry."

You hum, shrugging. "Okay, it's not really our fault that society is patriarchal and sexist. It's going to take Peter some time to break the norms and act decently, but I'm under no obligation whatsoever to deal with it."

Wanda swallows dryly. "D-did you broke up with him?"

You look at her with surprise. "No? I meant that I don't have to take pity on him. If he acts like an idiot, we'll fight. And if he doesn't change, then we'll break up."

The brunette tries to hide her disappointment with a hum of understanding. You look at her curiously.

"You and Vision seem to be getting along well."

She forces a chuckle, nodding. She grabs more bottles and runs away from your gaze as she replies, "I guess so."

"Is he your boyfriend now or what?"

Wanda laughs nervously, shaking her head. "No, not really."

"He seems interested in changing that." You insist, studying her reactions. Wanda swallows dryly, putting away other bottles.

"I think so." She murmurs. You hum almost angry all of a sudden - Wanda jumps when you mash a can with a hard punch - and she swallows dryly before raising her gaze to you again. "Do you think...I should accept? If he asks."

You stare at her with an indecipherable expression, biting the inside of your cheek. Wanda almost takes back the question, but you sigh and look away.

"I don't know, you're the one who has to know." You retort with forced casualness. "If you like him, say yes. You were together the whole holiday, I don't see what the problem is."

Wanda stares at the bottles in her hands, her heart racing in her chest.

"Maybe... I was just scared." She murmurs, surprising you. You stare at her expectantly, but Wanda doesn't meet your gaze, her fingers on the bottles. "Maybe I think Vision is likely my only option."

You grimace softly. "What are you talking about?"

Wanda laughs sadly, looking at you. "Like... I don't think there's anyone else to love me. Maybe Vision is my only option, and I just... I'm tired of being alone."

The heartfelt confession takes her by surprise as well. But at this point, Wanda shouldn't be impressed that your presence in her life has come to turn everything upside down at once.

And when you simply step forward, and bring a hand to her face, pulling a lock of hair out of front of her eyes, Wanda thinks you are doing it on purpose.

"Don't you think it's selfish to stick by someone just for convenience, Wanda? Vis has feelings too." The seriousness of your words doesn't do justice to the gentle touch on her face, and Wanda feels a mix of conflicting emotions in her chest.

"Maybe I'm just a bad person." She declares with a sad laugh, but you don't smile.

"I don't think so." You whisper, your thumb caressing her cheek. "I think you are very sweet. And maybe you just need to understand that lots of people love you. And you won't be alone if you say no to a boy you don't like."

Wanda lets out a shuddering breath. "Who says I don't like him?" She teases, her knees going weak as you firm your grip on her cheek and lean in all at once. 

Your breath hits her lips, and Wanda closes her eyes, waiting for the impact that doesn't come. You gasp softly, your breath heavy against her cheek.

Your hand leaves her cheek and goes down to a bottle beside you.

You step back a half second before Carol appears in the area where you are standing. Wanda didn't even hear her coming, in fact, she doesn't think she heard much beyond her own heart beating in her ears.

"Aren't you guys done with that yet? Come on people, we have to get on the road soon." Carol repressed, but you forced a laugh at her, muttering something about her being a pain in the ass. 

If you noticed how Wanda's hands were shaking as she held the next bottles, you didn't say.

#wanda maximoff x reader #wanda x reader #elizabeth olsen x reader #skamverse collection #alt er love series #yellow curtains #wanda maximoff imagines

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Watching Con O'Neill's Filmography: 'Telstar: the Joe Meek movie'

This movie needs Warnings for: Murder, graphic and accurate depictions of Suicide, depictions of depressive episodes, psychotic-of-body episodes, assault, manic moods, some nudity(nothing below the waist), semi depicted sex. Mentions of hate crimes, entrapment from a police officer, homophobic language, period-accurate (1960's England) homophobia, outing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Con is a fucking genius, and yeah, I'm glad I waited until I was out of a bad headspace to watch this. I was finally pushed after listening to a podcast where he talks about his experience filming the movie. It reassured a lot of the hesitancy I had and made me appreciate how he must have made this.

Every actor kills it, and yeah, a few unfortunate actors are in this but play a small enough roll it shouldn't matter. Go in fully informed about triggers and how to keep yourself safe.

(SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT)

God, the fact that everyone went on to either disappear or revolutionize pop and rock music is so fucking depressing. The whole 'what happens to musicians' line just came true.

The movie never covered how much debt he owed, but god. The 3 million given a few months after his death just might have paid off. If he'd just stayed around for a bit longer, he might have built a better support system with people who could call his bullshit out.

As for the romance, god. You get that Joe Meek tended to attach himself to anyone who would listen. In the interview that made me watch the movie, Con said he'd listened to all this guy's work and a ton of it was puppy love-based music.

The guy who chose him just so happened to be young and unwilling to sacrifice his career for possibly being associated with him. Starting fresh and keeping Joe close as a 'friend' in the eyes of the public. Both members of the shitty relationship here are at fault for poor communication and abuse. But god, it just aches. I read it as a kid who slept with someone powerful and got too close. The lonely target is too willing to be taken advantage of for a taste of companionship.

If Joe had people around him who worked like he did maybe he could have had other influences. All the people in his life relied on his music to make money, and once he started to fall behind. Once society moved on, it was already too late. Just to survive everyone else had to move on.

The fading motif is amazing.

That moment Heinz goes to go back into the car, and the audience expects him to fade away, but Meek reaches out and grabs his hand in public. Desperate to keep him here since everyone else was leaving around him. Just fucking killed me.

The tragedy is knowing that if he'd just listened to the world around him. Stopped trying to make songs that worked in the 50s in the new era of the 60s, he could have survived. Everyone else saw this, but Meek just couldn't see it.

Other artists of the 50's era also had this split, which was why pop/rock was predominately younger, giving the new genera a shot.

Modern mental health specialists suspect real-life Meek of having schizophrenia and bipolar disorder with 'psychotic rages'. Con does play him like this, and it's so fucking refreshing.

I have both been diagnosed with BPD, and have schizophrenia-like symptoms from major depressive disorder, and yeah, a few scenes really hit home. It can feel like you are alone, being shoved into a corner. Hating yourself and not understanding why everyone hates you.

When in reality, much like Joe does in the movie, you are causing pain in the life of those around you. Sometimes people need to leave your life for a bit, and you don't get why. You don't realize how rude or mean you are in the moment. There are other things, but this is a general list of my initial thoughts.

Of course, a mentally ill person isn't just their illness. They never are, Joe also has a personality. Con plays a Joe Meek that is so desperate to be loved and accepted. He wants the things everyone else gets to have, success, money, and top hits without seeing how others around him could helm. His only want in life is a success; he never thought he'd get to love. His pride causes his downfall; it's never just his fault when things go wrong.

He'll have screaming scenes and be spitting and angry. In seconds he'll be sad Con O'Neill once again, portraying a sad broken man, with a smile and tears in his eyes, and AHH. I'm excited to rewatch this movie.

I feel for the landlady and Patrick. We don't know what really happened, obviously, but if that's how things ended...shit.

The cinematography is amazing, besides some bits that are very of its age. It feels era-appropriate. I'm excited to go do research about the inaccuracies. I want to look into if, after the outing, Joe started to really spiral. What the before and after were like.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(This bit was added a bit after watching. This was the first Con movie I'd watched, so I didn't have this rating scale like his other works)

Con: Fucking 10/10. Joe obviously isn't my favorite Con character, but it might just be my favorite performance. Knowing that he was stage Joe, and was chosen to be Joe in the movie. Even if his name wouldn't fill seats at the time, was the right choice. Even though this is in a mid-late era compared to other things I watch in this series, it feels like a masterclass in acting. We get to see every shade of emotion Con is able to produce and it has heavily influenced how I appreciate him as an actor.

Everyone accept Con: 8-9/10. I can't think of any actors being awful and I couldn't find too many reports of inaccuracies from real-life people about their screen counterparts.

Editing: 8/10. Semi stuck in the era it came out in. There were a few scenes that felt a bit stuck in 2008, but other than that. The music choices, fun montages, and hard cuts were smooth and helped the story along. I personally love the cuts where we see future/present Joe having his breakdown, then showing exactly how Joe got to this headspace.

Music: Stellar. I personally can't stand a ton of music from this era, but god, the movie made everything feel so fresh. I knew where half of these bands ended up, and still, it felt new and exciting to see their start.

Overall: Personally a 10/10. I fucking love this movie, as a depiction of some of the struggles I've worked very hard to work on. Seeing a character you go from disliking to empathizing with. Would I recommend it to anyone? God no. You really need to evaluate just how heavily the warnings I gave above will be an issue. (If you've read this, haven't watched it, and want to ask about warnings, don't be afraid to message me)

Do I enjoy it mainly for Con? Maybe, but given that he's the character on screen for 70% of the movie I don't feel like that's a wrong 'bias' to have.

#con o'neill #telstar #telstar: the joe meek movie #telstar the joe meek movie #con oneill #Con's Conography

[tumbleweedtech]

Forgiveness

There's something that's been bothering me, for a long while. Well over a year. I'll put it under a cut because it's quite long.

It's in the way people apologize, and what they expect to come from it. If you harm someone, either deliberately or by accident, you owe them an apology. I'm aware that within courts of law this has consequences. I'm not talking about that level of harm or responsibility. The social contract is, when you harm someone you apologize, and attempt to right the wrong done. I was raised in a heavily catholic family, in a christian-centered community. I am not religious anymore, but I'm aware this informs my experiences, so please note I'm leaving the floor open to anyone else who has experienced a culture who treats apologies differently. In a very christian viewpoint - apologies aren't the important part. The forgiveness is. They insist it makes you christ-like, to forgive those who have harmed you. It's what Christ did on the cross, right? They know not what they do. Your god will forgive you if you apologize (confess) and attempt to right your wrongs (repent). This, I feel, has seriously tainted how people raised in a christian culture view apologizes to each other. I was abused as a child. I have been told, many, many times to forgive. Forgive my abuser. Because that forgiveness makes you christ-like, right? My forgiveness matters. Not that my abusers ever apologized or even recognized the wrongs they did. But that doesn't matter. They even try to twist it. "Doesn't living with that anger twist your heart? Forgiveness is freeing! You don't have to carry it around!" Actually, no. It protects me. I have not and will not forgive them, even if they were sorry. It reminds me that I must never, ever go back. That I must treat people better than I was treated. But where am I going with this? In a Christian-centric perspective, an apology is assumed an absolution. You have apologized, therefore the other person not only forgives you, but your faults, your sins, your crime? Are wiped clean. As if you confessed to your god, apologizing to your friend for hurting their feelings, the harm you have caused has been erased. Christ has risen again, your friendship has been repaired. In a christian perspective, there is no harm that is irreparable or irredeemable. Christians Parents have forgiven their children's murderers. This is a perspective entirely alien and unfathomable to me. But in the eyes of their god, in their religion, they have done what is right and holy. Their relationship with their god is safe

But relationships with other people does not work that way. Your relationships with other people are not your relationship with your god. When you harm someone, and you apologize, you do not automatically get forgiveness. It's not assumed. Especially if it's a shitty fucking apology. I've seen some incredibly shitty apologies. Refusal to take any sort of responsibility, blaming their mental health, their variety of diagnosis, even blaming the person they've harmed for reacting to shitty behaviour.

It's entirely possible to apologize for only your part in a situation in which you have both done wrong. "I'm sorry for accusing you of X. I should not have assumed Y of you, and when I said Z I was out of line." The other person may have responded with hurtful or harmful things. Hell, they may have even started it. But your feelings, your reactions, your words, are all your own responsibility. I have friends with plenty of diagnosis. Bipolar disorder. RSD. ADHD. Autism. Depression. Anxiety. None of this has stopped them from being kind, thoughtful, caring people. It hasn't stopped them from checking in, from apologizing when accidentally causing harm. I also know people who use their diagnosis as a weapon. They have X, Y, Z diagnosis, that's why they behave like an asshole. They make being a selfish, self serving, and thoughtless asshole a part of their personality and insist that because of that you should just understand and accept that. And if, in the rare instance that type of person attempts to apologize, it's never a good one. It's always "Well, you made me mad." or "You upset/triggered/annoyed me". Don't get me wrong - triggers are big and valid and a whole other discussion - but it's a word that's thrown around sometimes as a shield to explain why someone is not responsible for being nasty to someone. I'm off in the weeds. The point I'm coming around to is that these people surround themselves with reasons why you cannot criticize their behaviour (to a reasonable degree, ofc) and then they apologize.

Which in a christian-centric society, they not only feel like should solve any interpersonal issues that came of the disagreement/argument/harm, but should absolve them. I've said absolution quite a few times. But what does it mean? It means that they believe that it removes any consideration from this in the past, or in the future. As far as they're concerned, it no longer ever happened, because they have been forgiven and it will not be brought up again, nor will it impact the relationship they have with the person they are apologizing to. This is not how relationships with people work. If you harm them, an apology will be considered a step towards repair. Changing your behaviour to not harm again is a big step in repairing the relationship and trust. If the person forgives you, it does not mean your behaviour will be forgotten. It means you're being given a chance to prove that you will be better. It does not mean that your behaviour will be forgotten and everything will time jump back to before you made a bad choice. And it does not mean you get to harm them again. Because if you keep behaving that way? Keep harming people in the same way over and over again? You're not actually apologizing. And if you keep the same behaviour repeatedly, you do not deserve forgiveness (or absolution), because it's proven that you don't mean it. You will just keep on going, over and over. And when that's the case? Well. People need to stay angry at you, to remind themselves that you do not mean your apologies. You just want the chance to harm them again.

#Long post #I was thinking about forgiveness today #and what people expect from it #and why people get so angry when they've apologized and people are still hurt

[foreveratlas]

The 90 Day Return Window

I have relationship trauma,

and maybe that's my fault

or isn't, or is a little or a lot–-

.

and that makes recognizing the calm

impossible, as if I have only known

honeymoon phases and never

what comes after, because news

is handed to me during early Spring

that I am either not enough

or too much.

.

How does one handle that?

Too much or not enough or both

or neither or just-not-the-one,

my favorite being told,

I don't love you anymore,

but I'd like to stay friends--

.

How can people live

together with lack of experience?

When the honeymoon phase ends,

is that when the details crumble?

Is that when the rose colored glasses

lose their tint and all the flags

appear ever redder

than the blush on our cheeks?

.

Is that why I am not enough, or too much

or neither, or simply unforgettable--

Always the crazy bipolar ex,

who cries and clings

to all the vestiges of adoration

and codependency.

.

Will I forever not be enough, not

good enough, or too much,

too me for people to love

beyond the 90 day return window?

.

That must be when they figure out

I'm damaged goods.

Maybe that's why I was on clearance

in the first place.

#poetry #spilled ink #poets on tumblr #spilled thoughts #writerscreed #lgbt #relationships #love

[magicalmousey]

I hope you're happy with the pain and suffering you have caused. I have known Freckly for YEARS, I've gotten to spend a week with her in person and share space and time together, and she has always been kind and honest and sweet. I've seen her go through 2 relationships that ended badly, and you still left her the worst, and yet still you are letting people attack her character. All you had to do was block her, tell your friends to block her, and respect her wish to keep your comissions private. Thats it. All her vent posts are tagged. She is allowed to be angry. There is a difference between feeling rage and making a threat. People are allowed to have extreme emotions. You should know, you blamed every single awful thing you said and did on being Bipolar. Other people have reached out to her telling Freckly you've done the same thing to them.

Also, Freckly isn't trying to lay claim to Starscream, but she feels she's lost him, that he was taken from HER. And you told her you SAID you didn't have feelings for starscream but you were lying. She said she was happy to share but for some reason you still just lied to her. She's also told me about the art you got. The things you've said. Just leave her alone and tell your friends to do the same. And maybe try and keep your promise about keeping your comissions private, just let artists send them to you, like you *promised*.

Just because you're nice to some people doesn't mean you werent awful to others. Thats actually a common abuser tactic so-

Just leave her alone and let her move on. If she could catch a break from you and the people talking to her about you, she'd be able to move on and stop talking about it. She left a website she adored and had friends on for 8 months because of you. Give her peace. I'm only saying something now because your partner is slandering her. Tell them being kind to one person doesnt mean you arent capable of hurting others. Where's the proof Keri did anything to you?

You probably didnt even read all this, and theres an even smaller chance you answer. If you did, I hope you grow and better yourself. I hope you get it together. And just leave her alone so she can get past this.

Hello, anon. No, I am not happy with the pain and suffering which I caused. However, I am not responsible for her feelings.

I am aware that I did wrong things. I apologized for them, never did them again, and I intend to move on from this horrific fallout.

Attack her character? Anon, she is the one who decided to publicly demonize me in front of her thousands of followers.

She is not venting. She is absolutely making threats against me. I can understand feeling rage, but death threats are never acceptable.

Anon, it’s bpd. Not bipolar. I didn’t use it as an excuse and I even mentioned that to her. It is an explanation and I realized my mistakes and I am constantly trying to better myself. I apologized and I want to move on.

Anon, you cannot rip a fictional character away from someone when they were never ours to begin with. I apologize for lying to her, but I did want to preserve her feelings because I know how attached she is to this character.

Anon, I don’t owe her anything. I tag my commissions properly and I even ask artists to do the same, but I owe her nothing. Likewise, she doesn’t owe me anything, either.

Where’s the proof that I intentionally abused her? Where’s me convincing her that Starscream wouldn’t love her?

If she really wanted to move on, she wouldn’t make death threats directed towards me.

As for my partner, she is responding to her claims, especially when she called for my death.

Anon, did you ever stop to think that I am suffering as well? I cannot eat. I cannot physically eat as much as I am suppose to because ever since she made her “vent” post, I have been unable to eat like a normal, functioning human being. That is not her fault. But I cannot help that I react this way. It is something that I must heal from on my own, much like herself.

I agree. I want to move on, but she has to be willing to as well. I hope that she seeks help and feels better.

#discourse replies

[hotcrossbun]

potential trigger warning:

I'm unsure of all the triggers I'll post so read at your own discretion. thank you. (addiction, divorce, DV, homelessness, sewer slide ideation, family separation) ((i think thats all))

diagnosed: bipolar 2, PTSD, gad.

ive been diagnosed bipolar 2 for 11 years. I'm only 26 years old but I feel my life has spun a little out of control this last year- since November of 2022. I impulsively (and probably mid episode) got married 5 years ago (2018) to a person I knew in high school. my daughter was only about 10 months old. it was really great while we were initially seeing each other but got married after only 2 weeks of officially dating. 😬 I was scared of the idea of being a single mom, trying to do it all and be mom and dad. and i did love them, we knew each other well for years and fell out for a while, but I wanted a sense of family and stability for myself and my daughter. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but very very quickly the relationship turned. a lot of it was my fault- but there's plenty of issues that went around. I wasn't managing my illness well and they had been diagnosed BPD. their family eventually pulled back and enabled behaviors. there was a lot of abuse to each other from both sides. physical and emotional.

my daughter saw a lot she shouldn't have, me with injuries that probably scared her, listening to a lot of yelling and bad things. I feel horrible about it. I feel like I didn't protect her correctly but I still wanted her to have a family. I tried to leave multiple times but felt I had no where to really go- I felt safer in the chaos, at least it made sense, right? my instability and lack of support had transferred to my daughter unintentionally and I can't forgive myself for it.

after my ex spouse was arrested for DV in March this year we continued to talk and communicate when we weren't supposed to. ( no contact order ) maybe a little trauma bond-y but we both got evicted from the apartment and bc of a lack of support in my life we moved into another place together. I felt me and my daughter wouldn't have had a place to go. but the relationship was the same. we both triggered the worst parts of each other and both were pretty heavily drinking nightly at this point:(

they got charged officially in early July and when the court stuff was over they really never came back home. it was right before Father's Day and it really hurt me and luckily my daughter isn't really old enough to quite understand yet. (she's young, also a bit on the spectrum and has some speech development delays)

but I hurt for her because they decided to no longer be a part of either of our lives. (since July they have spoken to her 3 times and moved away from our hometown as well) ((everytime they spoke i had advocated for the communication))

my daughter and I moved a few states away for the summer to try to restart closer to my sister but my drinking was a little out of control. the divorce was finalized after our move and it hurt me a lot. I felt that I would tolerate anything for their love but they couldn't accept consequences to their actions. and I think it triggered a deep mixed episode I wasn't aware I was in. but I almost figured it out, I had an apartment lined up in a new state- 2 jobs, a new drivers license and insurance in a new state, my daughter was enrolled to start school. (all done while severely impaired, I was constantly under the influence of alcohol) ((sober now but probably would still drink given the ability, sadly enough.)) we were going to move out of my sister's as soon as I paid the deposit for our new place and my application got accepted to the complex- but the night before my daughter was supposed to start school I was deeply intoxicated and my sister noticed. she has a very low tolerance for any form of substance abuse and I did know that. I just rationalized what I was doing- I thought bc I was sad and upset- going through a lot- since it wasn't illegal- since I was still getting things done- that it was okay. we got kicked out of my sister's house that night and had to stay in a hotel for about a week.

while we stayed in the hotel I got very very low and contemplated sewer slide, my daughter couldn't get to school bc I didn't have a car and the buses didn't go all the way out to where we were, my sister wouldn't watch my daughter so I could work, and I was running low on funds to continue to pay for the room and a deposit on my apartment. I felt alone and like there was nothing left I could do. I acknowledged my negative consequences to my decisions, and the guilt hit hard, i just felt so lost. my wallet got stolen and had my card maxed out. we couldn't fly back to my home state bc my ID was in my wallet and I thought we were going to be homeless. I made some calls and long story short now we live with my daughters bio father, after a lot of borrowed money and a 18 hour car ride, and a lot of grateful feelings towards him and to the universe.❤️

I've always loved this man, I am now dating him again. he's never done wrong by me, it was always me that left and created any of the minute conflicts we've had. I think it has been a long time coming- me and my daughters dad being back together- he has been my best friend for longer than I can really put my finger on. but sometimes I feel like I've just lost all control of my life and worry we're just together bc I lost everything, because we've always been there for each other. recognizably harsh, he would be hurt if I said that, and doesn't lead me to think that. I just worry. he's not a perfect guy, he has tendencies at times that are hard to cope with but I love him for it it all. he's been through a lot lately too- but he's kind and tries really hard to be here for me even when I don't want him to be. he loves me and sees me, our upbringings are different but similar enough to be compatible. he helps me be better, more open, he keeps my heart and soul soft. hes no stranger to mental illness in himself or his family, but also doesn't struggle in the same way as me. I understand him and I hope he feels as if I've been here for him the same way as well.

last night after a long long trip, I started to feel a little episode starting to creep up after handling some situational and circumstantial things that are from our pasts. we both respected each other's separate lives but now have to make them coincide. collaborate and mix our separate lives into one. and now I feel like I'm in another mixed state. wanting to change my emotional identity and be someone else, impulsive feelings and manic thinking and lots and lots of guilt and feeling like an imposter, like I don't deserve to be here in this life or to be cared about. to be taken care of. to participate.

I know this man doesn't trigger me the same way but I have some deep rooted issues and emotional instability that I've been able to keep at bay for the most part. but there's a big part of me that recognizes that just 6 months ago this is not at all where I pictured myself or my daughter. I wouldn't truly change anything about right now- I'm happier ironically and feel safe. it was an off route to happiness I feel. but I fell behind again in things like med insurance and jobs and my daughter going to school bc of moving from out of state to back into our home state, and I have some solutions to these issues, we are balancing responsibilities that contain large dynamics that are so new- but what if the instability never ends? my life is unstable. it always has been. same with my emotions. am I bringing chaos to others lives?

how am I supposed to trust myself in the new life and 'solutions' and know if it's actually coming from a stable non-episode thinking? I always trust everything initially and then it turns into something else, like others are misleading me and I'm misleading myself, maybe that I'm misleading them, with or without the intention to do so. I internalize and am self aware almost to a detriment and I think it just causes more issues, bc I don't know what really is sane and what's not sometimes. am I delusional? am I missing the bigger picture? I love hard and feel everything so deeply idk what to trust anymore.

luckily my daughter is adjusting well, she's smart and kind and healthy, she's strong and willful. I just know that it's probably so hard on her and she lost the person she knew her whole life as her father. been moved around and the one thing she wanted to do was go to school and I couldn't do that for her. I feel so guilty. she's happy, her bio dad loves her so much but also I know that huge transitions for little ones isn't always easy and losing people no matter who they are hurts. she may not get it super well right now but I worry when she's older and really starts to grasp everything that has happened it will be something she will genuinely struggle with. it feels like its my fault. I wasn't dealt the best hand in life and although I do my best with it, by default it's her life now too.

I guess I wanted to express, maybe get some validation and advice. I'm seeking therapeutic services but waiting lists are forever long and it doesn't seem to be possible at the moment. I'm holding in there, I'm okay, just feels like everything could not be okay in a moments notice. I feel alone in my type of situation and feel so misunderstood by some people who've meant the most to me. I can't blame anyone though for not understanding bc I don't really understand it myself. I'm strong but only so beefed. smart but only so intelligent. I worry this is my life now. constantly just waiting for the ups and downs to make themselves known, and the consequences of my actions to be the things to tell me that I was in an episode and wasn't thinking clearly.

if you got to the end of this thank you for your time. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I have very little family. I know my boyfriend loves me but I won't bring him down with my worries. I know that these neg feelings are probably fleeting but the consequences of life never are. I just wanted better for my daughters experiences. for her emotional well-being and her stability. I hope I am on the correct life path bc I am growing tired and a little hopeless that I am making the same mistakes. thank you again⛅

#mental health

[lizajane2]

Outer Banks 1x10

How did those cops not notice John B and Sarah entering the house? Someone explain that to me. She literally had the flashlight on as if screaming, "WE'RE RIGHT HERE!" And they deserve that happy ending!

"I'm not leaving my little girl," Oh my god, if Ward wasn't a murderer, I'd find that sweet.

Rafe, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but everything is not all right. You're losing it. You're falling apart.

I can't believe no one would actually listen to Sarah. I mean it's obvious the SBI Agent was suspicious. Also, the moment Ward steps in the absolute fear on her face and can he not see how this is tearing her up inside? How it's screwing with her mentally and emotionally?

"She doesn't even see him for what he is." No, she sees you for exactly what you are. A liar. A murderer. Fucking calling her bipolar.

Sarah's family, her whole life is falling apart around her. She's slowly losing everything. Her dad and brother are both murderers and take no responsibility for it. Rose is an accomplice to all of it and Wheezie has no clue what's going on.

I love Mr. Heyward, as strict as he is, he's a good dad. He just wants Pope to make good decisions and be honest with them. He wants Pope to have a future outside of the Pogues. And he's not forcing him either, he's letting his son make his own decisions even if he doesn't agree with them. Can't say the same for Kie's parents though.

"Look I think I actually hurt his feelings." No shit Kie. I thought him giving you the silent treatment and being angry was a clear enough sign.

Holy shit! Kie's mom gave me a mini heart attack popping out of fucking nowhere like that. One of those rare moments that I think she's being a concerned mother. Like at this moment she just wants Kiara to be safe and that's understandable.

JJ's dad is passed out on Ambien shit will knock you the fuck out. I have such a funny story; this was years ago, and it was the night of the GA vs FL football game, she hadn't slept in 6 days. She took one that didn't work, took another, and the entire night she thought she was giving a rock show and playing an electric guitar. Funny as fuck, laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.

Anyway, any scene that JJ has with his dad hurts. My heart hurts for JJ. He's not even sure if his dad means it or not, but it's clear that no matter what happens between them JJ is always gonna love his dad. But he shouldn't be the one apologizing, for anything. It's not his fault.

"I see your mother in you." Just stab me and twist it, why don't you? It'll hurt less.

Pope kicking the living fuck out of Rafe is:

That ass-whooping was deserved.

JJ to JB: "Love you." No, but listen their friendship is not talked about enough. Especially when he's like taking control of the situation making sure that John B is listening to him, to make sure that he gets out safely.

Kie: "I don't have feelings for you, Pope." A few minutes later, kisses him. Girl, make up your fucking mind. The second time this girl has confused me with her ability to keep saying one thing and then doing the complete opposite.

"Let's go into the storm!" Yeah, let's not do that, JB. Out of all the decisions you made this one takes the cake and the icing.

Ward when JB speaks on the radio, "You framed me for a murder I didn't commit!"

I love that Mr. Heyward also brought in JJ for a hug. Broke my heart to see that he had no one to comfort him... yeah, I never stop thinking about that.

Dream A Little Dream of Me by Ella Fitzgerald ft Louis Armstrong is my all-time favorite song.

"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you, sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you."

#outer banks #outer banks season 1 #john b routledge #jj maybank #kiara carrera #pope heyward #sarah cameron

[timeoverload]

Ok I'm sorry about what I said last night. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or be insensitive so I apologize if it came across that way. You didn't do anything wrong.

I'm just very confused and I guess I should stop worrying about what's going on. Your life is none of my business and I shouldn't try to get involved in anything. I don't know why I keep trying to get answers. I need to accept the fact that you don't want to talk to me or share any information with me. I can't force you to tell me anything. I don't know what you are going through so I shouldn't assume things. I just want to know what is bothering you. I need to stop obsessing about it and I'm sorry for caring too much. It's difficult for me to pretend like I don't.

I'm not sure how to interpret all of the messages you are trying to send me. It seems like you are trying to tell me that I'm evil or that I need to overcome my demons or something. I'm not sure why you would think that I'm evil because I don't think that I am. I don't know if that's what you are trying to say or not.

I'm not sure what demons I need to overcome at this point. I know I'm a lot better than I used to be. I don't really enjoy being sober but I still am so that should count for something. I'm sorry for having the desire to smoke weed to manage my physical pain and anxiety. I don't think having that desire makes me a bad person but I still haven't been doing it since I can't anyway. I also have moved past my previous relationship and I'm mostly content on my own. I do struggle with some stuff but it's mostly due to my physical limitations and I'm learning how to live with my disabilities. I literally can't help the fact that I'm bipolar and it's a disease that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I'm trying really hard to manage it and I'm a lot better at dealing with it than I did when I was younger. I'm doing my best to overcome the anhedonia that I've been experiencing for a while and I don't feel like I should be punished for it because unfortunately that's just a symptom of my mental illness. I shouldn't have said anything bad about my brother either because depression is a very serious condition and I know that. I'm also sorry for being anxious about things and that's another thing I have to try to manage forever. I'm sorry if that bothers you. Also, I have to remind people that my brain isn't structured like everyone else's because it didn't fully develop and that's not my fault. I can't change the fact that I'm different.

I'm actively trying so hard to get out of a toxic work environment on my own. I'm not expecting anyone to fix shit for me and I'm not totally helpless. I know I don't lack self-efficacy. I have gotten out of a lot of bad situations on my own. I deal with a lot of problems by myself. I know sometimes I talk about not having a lot of motivation but I still accomplish more than you think. Sometimes it makes it easier to do things after I vent about it. I have actually gotten a lot of shit done today. I'm a lot stronger than people might perceive me to be. I have literally never been in a situation like this before so I think I'm handling things pretty well given the circumstances. The past couple years have been tough for me.

I also don't think I'm wrong for wanting to spend time with people on a physical level. I don't think I'm wrong for not wanting to spend all of my time in my room and wanting to get out and experience things with people. I don't think I'm wrong for being depressed about not being able to do that. I'm only human and that's a normal thing for a human to desire. I'm sure my serotonin levels would be a lot higher if I could actually be around the people I care about. I don't want to have shallow connections or friendships. That's another reason I didn't want to go to that party last night because I don't feel a deep connection with those people. I do feel a deep connection to the people who read my blog though and it really sucks that everything has to continue to be a secret. I'm tired of all of the rules.

Life is short and I want to be able to enjoy the time that I have instead of wasting it by myself. How long do I have to work on myself and be alone before I'm deemed worthy of human interaction? This sucks and I feel like I have been alone long enough.

I don't have to share anything with you but I choose to because I want you to be a part of my life. I can't force you to reciprocate that even though I wish you could. I should be able to be open about stuff without it being used against me. I should be able to talk about the things that I'm concerned about. Communication is very important in a healthy relationship. I want to have a normal relationship so badly. A lot of disagreements and misunderstandings could be avoided if we could just talk about stuff. I really just want to get along and not argue about anything. I don't even know if you are actually mad at me but I'm not sure what to think right now.

I decided that I should just refrain from posting personal things for a while. I'm not in the mood to continue sharing my feelings at the moment. I'm not trying to "get back" at you for anything but it doesn't seem fair to continue to pour my heart out to you all the time if you can't respond with words. I also don't want to offend you anymore because I feel like I do a lot of the time. I don't want to create any more problems. I just can't continue doing this right now and I spend a lot of time writing stuff. I'm just going to be quiet for a while unless I have something to say that's important. I appreciate you all for putting up with me and listening to me. I love you all.

I love you Maxwell. I really hope we can work things out someday because that would make me extremely happy. I'm looking forward to the day that we can actually have a conversation. I appreciate you and thank you for everything. 💖

#personal

[bpdrug-addict]

still no therapy, I'm so frustrated dude. and the millionth time someones screening me for bpd "to make sure it's the right diagnosis" how many times do I have to get rediagnosed with it its not my fault none of my doctors will put it on my chart bc "people won't want to treat me" surprise either way they'll find out i have bpd and not treat me anyways so idk why they keep saying I have bipolar when I don't. im so tired broooo

[nathank77]

3/29/24

1:18 a.m

Why do I dislike Mike as a therapist? Hate is a strong word but I wanted to make it clear in my email to Danielle that I posted below with a whole speel about having a lower quality of care and having to out myself to providers as trans and a voice hearer, making it known to her that I feel unsafe, dehumanized, stigmatized and discriminated against yet I will stay with Mike bc of this bc I don't want to be discriminated against.... anyways I got that all out but it was an important entry.

Why do I dislike Mike?

1) do you really hear a voice or is it a narrative?

- we talked about it and he showed genuine human emotion and cried a little but nonetheless I don't want to see him bc of the question that's why I tried to replace him.

2) would you rather have a mood disorder (bipolar voice hearer/schizoaffective) or a personality disorder(schizotypal)? In relation to saying psychosis is not a stand alone thing.... fact is psychosis can be a stand alone thing 1000%. Look it up. I had to fight him on this with facts.

- we talked about it and said he wasn't trying to diagnosis me, either way it rubbed me the wrong way that I had to fight him about facts, it is factually psychosis can be a standalone thing and go away. It doesn't have to be schizophrenia or depression or something else.

3) he brings up his education at NYU constantly and acts like a big wig. He thinks he is a big wig and he challenges me with questions which I'll list below that blow my mind, and aggravate me constantly.

He actually thinks he is smarter than me. I'd say we are of equal intelligence tbh. He isn't stupid but he isn't emotionally intelligent that's factually and he actually acts like a big wig.

4) just going back to psychosis not being a standalone illness. He doesn't believe psychosis can just be psychosis......

5) he pushed and has continued to push antidepressants..... especially since getting psychosis.... BRO MY NEUROTRANSMITTERS ARE ALREADY ALL SORTS OF MESSED UP. And I'm trying to recover naturally from psychosis....

Why not throw in some random SSRI or whatever and see what it does??? Antidepressants aren't a fucking bandaid and I don't have depression....

I'm sick of this conversation. He keeps saying well ERP in conjunction to an antidepressant is the highest quality of care for someone with OCD. First off we aren't doing ERP right now but secondly even if we were, I don't want to take a fucking antidepressant.

WELL BROTHER I DON'T FUCKING WANT AN ANTIDEPRESSANT. I NEVER DID AND I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT ONE NOW THAT I HAVE PSYCHOSIS.

WE DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THE BRAIN WORKS AND WE NEVER TRULY WILL SO LETS LEAVE MY BRAIN ALONE IM ALREADY ON BENZODIAZEPINES JUST TO SLEEP AT NIGHT AND ID RATHER NOT BE BUT I CANT SLEEP WITHOUT THEM.

6) when I brought up how my quality of care is lower bc I won't take antipsychotics bc of the side effects, and I'm not being treated the same by medical providers bc I'm labeled as psychotic.

Aka they won't treat me. If they will they won't look at issues as separate. Such as insomnia. And Continuing to be referred out to Behavioral health where I'm going to be forced to take antipsychotics.

Mike actually asked me why wouldn't you just do antipsychotics..... well idiot:

1] Seizures

2] movement disorders

3] negative symptoms- aka all this functionality I currently have can come to a screeching fault

4] the voice doesn't typically go away I've asked and looked at research....

5] it lowers your life expectancy by 30%

6] it lowers dopamine all over your fucking brain rather than the appropriate pathway-talk about antidepressants being a bandaid and the brain not being fully understood, antipsychotics are way worse

7] when you look up can you recover from psychosis in Google searches- you actually see in the commonly asked questions can you recover from antipsychotics!!!!!

8] I brought up my extensive education on the topic as I studied it intensively in grad school

9] they actually lower your IQ

His response was why wouldn't you want a lower IQ?? STUPID PEOPLE ARE HAPPIER..... that may be true... but:

I responded well I mean I went to school for my masters in neuroscience... I have a 160k education I worked very hard on and I may not be using it but I like being intelligent... I like learning new things. I like being inquisitive and educated and may be one day I will beat psychosis and OCD and end up getting my PhD or using my current education and getting into research but either way I like being intelligent.

7) when we were having this conversation i said i wasn't psychotic just bc I have psychosis and he said having Psychosis means you're psychotic... and I was like not when you're in remission, when you are firmly gripped in reality and not delusional, not when you're socially and occupationally functional and the only symptom you have is an auditory hallucination that causes suffering but nonetheless doesn't prevent you from functioning, you're not psychotic.

He made me feel like I was once again defined as fucking psychotic just bc I hallucinate... my grip on reality and functionality and intelligence plays a role in whether I'm, "psychotic."

Gotta love how people label you. Erin doesn't see me as psychotic. She sees me as a functional, intelligent, and firmly gripped in reality person who suffers from broken d2 receptors.

8) I asked him if he could stop cutting me off so I could finish my stories cause I need to vent and everytime he cuts me off I have to answer his annoying question and then I have to backtrack to explain what I was explaining. I explained it nicely but nonetheless now he is "checking out." I can see it in his face.

9) When I reestablished Therapy with him and I lost track of time and missed our 6. He said 630. I showed up and he never did and he pretended he didn't receive my texts.

-This is all I can come up with now minus him always bringing up movies that's gotten a little better but he talked to me about Benadryl and the man in the hat. I didn't know what he was talking about but Benadryl can make you see stuff cause I guess it's a delirium... I mean I never had visual hallucination with psychosis. Other than numbers being a little different (50 followers would switch to 51 back and forth) and i had that one physical hallucination the Rosalyn post i thought Elise posted... but that was actually October 7th before I had psychosis. Nonetheless it scared me that it happened but that's the extent of my visuals. I don't have them anymore.

before psychosis I took benadryl every single night with weed and I slept but bringing up the man in the hat scared me.... like of course I worry that things will worsen despite them getting better.

-he really lacks emotional Intelligence. I don't hate him. I don't like him as a therapist but bc of Danielle I'm stuck with him...

-Do I think he is a bad person?

No. I just don't think he is emotionally intelligent enough to be my therapist. I think generally he is a decent human but not the right fit for me as a therapist. I'd drop him like a hot potato if Danielle would find a therapist who was accepting of trans people and someone who doesn't stigmatize voice hearers.

[the-living-embodiment-of-moss]

TW suicidalness, self hatred

i just talked to my mom about going to a gender care specialist. I thought it would help me and her and everyone around. I even told her what it was and in detail why I think it would help. it trailed off into how she didn't think it would help at all, she didn't know why I wanted a gender dysphoria diagnosis. it trailed off into how I didn't show any "signs" as a kid, and the thinks that the reason I think I'm a boy is because of social pressure. which traveled off into that she doesn't believe that I'm trans.

she doesn't believe me.

she doesn't see me as a boy, she thinks I'm faking.

I might not write the rest of this correctly, because I'm going emotionally and memorially numb (trauma response)

but I just, I can't even look at trans content right now. I can't think about gender right now, if I see any feminine pronoun it's gonna get worse.

it's been almost two years since I've come out, and she doesn't believe me.

she admitted she might not even believe me at six years.

I'VE SPENT PROBABLY HUNDREDS OF HOURS, trying to fix myself. make myself acceptable. make people see me as a boy, to work on myself.

I've worked so hard. I've been through depression, I've been through starvation, self harm, suicide attempt you name it.

I've spent so much time on myself for her, and she doesn't see me as the one thing I have set in stone. I feel useless.

sorry if this is cringe. even typing it I know it is. but I just want to kill myself. I can't wait. I can't look at her, listen to her bullshit again. I see my trans friends and most trans people I've met online at my age or even younger, getting support, hormones, binders. I'm so sick of it. I feel so ill.

I just want to kill myself. I want to have the courage to go downstairs, grab a kitchen knife, and shove it through my stomach. I wish I had killed myself in the 6th grade.

I want to run away. I want to see her crying, knowing it's her fucking fault for most of my hurt. my ptsd, my anxiety, extreme boundary issues, it comes from her.

and she's fucking up my life once again.

this is so fucking cringe. I'm crying uncontrollably. my friends probably hate me and that's why I'll never be fucking good enough for anybody.

I hate myself. I'm not even a dog. I'm not even a boy. if I never get to be either, then I'm nothing but a shell.

I'm sorry if this continues, I thought it went away. but if you don't hear from me for a week or two, I might be gone. probably wish I am, or you'll be hearing a lot of vents.

sorry this is so cringe, I'm sorry if you read it.

this isn't even the way I wanted to word it. this is just fucking useless bullshit like anything else I do.

a few seconds later, she apologized and she booked an appointment.

I feel sorry for her, she has really bad bipolar and just went through a divorce. and she loves me. I'm just not sure if I can forgive everything she's done.

please take this whole post with a giant grain of salt. I'm not gonna die, it was just a lot of raw emotions. I just need some reassurance, time, and a emotional support system. I'll be alright.

#not gonna die don't worry

[newwave-lesbian]

i try to ignore how bad it is sometimes and i FAIL. i mean my brain feels like its dying and giving up i feel so out of it constantly and its know its my fault or whatever and yeah it's bad and it hurts but it's FINE right like. yeah my brain is telling me to kill itself all the time but ok. yeah it feels like the light is draining from me every day but like so what. i just don't know what to do about it. don't have a psychiatrist appointment for like another month and this could just be my brain telling me i'm doomed but my aunt's bipolar was also treatment resistant so idk yeah it's hopeless anyways lol. i'm fucking tired and the only thing i've been feeling much of is just anger anxiety and emptiness this past week or so, worse than usual though i still try to distract myself even when my brain feels like static. don't know how the fuck i will get a job or hold one down either and i know i'll run out of money soon but what can i do.... what can i do when i can barely have hyperfixations anymore it feels like either... because i'm just too sad to care and that hurts because there's so much of myself i feel like i'm just losing. but it's the way it's meant to be i guess.

also i just don't feel much of anything good from caffeine/stimulants anymore. i'll just focus on art for hours but get nothing done. and then next thing i know i'll be picking at my skin for hours. lol. i should just give up

#im crashing just ignore this #vent #skin picking tw #i am isolated as shit

[devolawrites]

I originally posted this on Twitter, and tbh I'll probably get the worst cringe in a day and delete the thread and this as well but I need people who have commissioned fics from me or at least know my writing to know what the actual mcfuck has been going on with me lately.

Re: status of my fic comms right now.

It's not that I haven't been honest with people, I have been, but probably not as honest bc I haven't been too honest with myself either? I am working on them. They will be finished. I guarantee that. But... I have very high expectations for myself. Ones that are, most likely, unrealistic. I am genuinely running on fucking empty right now and have been for the better part of six months now. Not that I was much better beforehand but it's been the worst in the past 6 months.

I'm very open and honest about being physically ill with fibromyalgia and endometriosis. Chronic migraines. Asthma. Spinal issues and the like. I also have bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, C-PTSD and, while not diagnosed, am likely touched by the tism as well. As such, I take (or I should say am supposed to take) a lot of meds daily. I haven't been able to take them bc I've been getting violently ill immediately after taking them and no one can figure out why! I also work full time and have been attempting to finish my masters.

That, right there, is baseline 'what the fuck mary take some time to yourself' but, lol. lmao, even. Then my life fell apart in March. How so?

In the span of one week: someone I considered a family member passed away. I finally allowed myself to be open to someone about how I felt after two horribly abusive situations only to get the kindest, gentlest thing ever said to me while also being turned down INTENSELY. And then found out not even 10 minutes after said FAMILY-ZONED (not even friend zoned FAMILY ZONED do you know how weird it is to tell someone you have feelings for them only to get told 'oh i see you like a sister i've never had' and just wanna die) that your best friend died.

Via fucking Facebook message.

And then that week also be the one year anniversary of my Nana's death which I'm sure still was malpractice but we'll never know for sure and I'm still bitter about it. Needless to say, I spiraled. Very badly.

I was already stressed from paying for fixing my car and finding myself needing the extra money from comms more and more and piling on more work on myself bc lmao bills and making my back log even worse and now I felt horrifically alone and vulnerable and embarrassed. And, to be sure, I still did put work out. But I also struggled with a lot of comms that I genuinely had been excited to take on only to find myself just... unable to do them. For one reason or another. Writers block? Feeling like it wasn't meeting expectations?

I'd ask other writers for help. For suggestions. For feedback. For other angles to approach shit. And I got fantastic advice. And still, nothing budged. I literally had burnt myself out and was still trying to run on empty. On fucking fumes. And I still am. And, I'll be honest, it also did sorta sting when I'd finally get work posted and then I'd just... idk. Feel like it flopped. Either with the person who comm'd it or with people in general and that's bc of how Twitter's algorithm hates creators but it's hard to not internalize.

And it made wanting to write and wanting to work on things so much harder because it became less and less about wanting to do something I genuinely enjoy and wanting to smush yalls Barbies around and felt like an obligation with no reward. And that's not yalls fault, truly. But I internalize that shit really hard and take it as a 'you're not doing this right, no wonder people would prefer others write shit and not you, you can't keep up the schedule you made for yourself.' Which is why my timeline even changed in March.

I tried to make a more realistic turnaround time, with the same disclaimers. I even mentioned to people that they'd be on a WAITLIST. And I still feel like I'm not working fast enough. Not because of any pressure from those who have paid. But my own brain. And it sucks.

Because it's making me spiral and making it even worse and it's a snake eating its own tail because if I can just get out of this fucking cycle of doubting myself and feeling like it's not gonna be worth it, I can conquer this shit. I owe so many people so much and I just... I feel horrible. I know that I should refund like, most if not all of you at this point. I just haven't had the funds to be able to do that, tbfh. I only just was able to get caught up on bills these past 2-3 checks. And if you want a refund, please, tell me! I'll do it!

But I think once this batch I have currently listed on Trello is completed, I'm closing comms for a good fucking long while. And learning how to actually enjoy my writing again. Because right now, I don't. I don't enjoy sharing my work and getting no boosts. No comments. Kudos are nice, don't get me wrong, and I love every single kudos that I get, when I get them. But it's hard to not let the self doubt and self critique fester. And again, this is not any of yalls fault. It's my own. And I don't know how to fix it, tbh.

So, once these comms are up, it's gonna just. Stop. I'll probably work on my own stuff, but I didn't even do any of the ship week content that I wanted to do (wolchefant, wolcred, wolmeric OR wolstinien) because I didn't want to upset those who I owed work to.

So, that's the state of me as a fic writer right now. It's more theory than practice, at this point, and I'm just... I'm trying, I really am. I have so many drafts in my google docs right now and I hate everything I've written so much that I'm starting from scratch every time.

Which is why the Trello has, for the most part, stood still. I'm not blowing you guys off. I just genuinely have nothing to show. And I'm sorry.

#literally crying writing this bc i hate feeling like a disappointment and a failure #but i am!!! i am letting people down and it sucks!!!

[sapphiredhearts-a]

today I am focusing on picking my battles when it comes to my marriage.

that being said - my husband is a sincerely great human being & we have a really healthy relationship ( a new concept to me in all aspects romantic , platonic , familial , etc ) so our communication is great.

I tend to run very high on emotion because of bipolar / trauma responses so my new thing is learning when to be higher on emotion and when not to. like basically learning how not everything has to be a fight / a huge deal and instead finding ways to express my feelings / frustrations in a calm manner without feeling like I'm being stunted either. which is great because I have gotten a lot better at it and it's gonna help a lot when we have baby boy.

but this week it's been hard. we are under a lot of stress lately. we had to go to a fertility clinic to get pregnant & to do that I had to quit my career - and tbh that was fine financially bc even if I stayed my paycheck would have eventually just gone to cover the cost of daycare (which is INSANE but that rant is for another day) and I'd miss family time. and we agreed we'd rather have me home with baby. but I lost my good ass state benefits including health insurance and couldn't qualify for medicaid because we weren't married until feb & sc is stupid & I didn't qualify without being pregnant + medicaid won't cover fertility because it's "cosmetic" (another rant for another day). now that we are pregnant we had to wait for his business accountant to give us tax paperwork & he took FOREVER so we ended up paying out of pocket for the first OB appt which was around 5k (seriously it was insanity ok). so husband was understandably stressed tf out but I have ptsd so ofc I felt like I was on eggshells etc. we talked about it but it's stressful esp because my hormones are running WILD rn thanks to baby.

any way now he's having hella family drama ( he helps run the family construction business ) and has to do everything basically alone ( another another rant for another day because they are pissing me off tbfh) so we haven't been able to go to medicaid / wic this week bc he's so busy and I have been trying so hard not to be irritated with him because it isn't his fault & he really does do like everything for everyone it's just UGH ya know. and it's like as soon as we get those benefits we'll be pretty okay - he makes a good living but the medical bills are just absolutely avalanching on us rn and we have another appt june 21 and you can't just miss these appts because they're timed for a reason and i'm scared we won't make it in time to get the insurance and have to pay out of pocket again.

any way idk where I was going with this I just need a place to rant because I can't do it on twitter or like facebook. if you made it this far send good vibes and manifest many cheeseburgers for me okay bye.

#this is a hella long rant that is not important at all #just irl stuff i cant post anywhere else #depression tw // #infertility tw // #tw // #just in case #☾ ` out of my mind ; ooc post .