#its like i just wallow in self pity all the time. everytime i think about it (which is...all the time) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rubyreduji · 2 years

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My Heart Has Gone To You | 07

pairing: lee jihoon x f!reader (side son hyunwoo x f!reader) ch notes: angst, jihoon has multiple realizations, kinda fluff? mentions soft ynhoon moments, reader is a bad bitch, suggestive content, use of bunny as nickname (like once), smut [male masturbation, explicit pictures and videos, mentions of fingering] w.c.: 5.0k a/n : i hope yall arent too mad at the reader in this its kinda of a bold direction to go but yea anyways

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It’s been almost a week since the “Jihoon Incident” and you’re still fully miserable. You can barely pick yourself up to go to class and work. You don’t speak to anyone anymore besides Sana who forces you to speak to her.

There’s been no word from Jihoon, even though Soonyoung keeps texting you (you just ignore him).

You’re still not even sure what fully happened in that conversation. All you remember is Jihoon saying he doesn’t need you and then storming off. All you wanted to do was see him, for him to want to see you back. You’re completely lost without him, even though he’s been out of your life for almost a month now with how little contact you guys were having before the fight.

It doesn’t help that Jihoon is all over even when he’s not here. His clothes are in your room, his smell is buried into your pillowcases, his photos are on your wall. You don’t even get rid of them because you can’t find the energy or the heart to make the effort.

You barely sleep anymore. Everytime you close your eyes all you can see is Jihoon telling you to shut up. Sana keeps calling you a walking zombie but you can’t even care about her retorts anymore.

The only people who know are Soonyoung, Sana, Nayeon, and Minghao. They’ve all been periodically checking up on you but you only shoot down their attempts. Your heart has been broken and anything they say or do won’t change that.

You know that you should study for your finals, but you can’t bring yourself to do it. Most of your final was covered with the Fine Arts Showcase and most of your classes this semester surround photography and graphic design so you don’t bother to study.

It’s obvious that Sana is incredibly worried about you but you can’t even do anything about it. You honestly just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Unbeknownst to you, or anyone else, Jihoon has been repenting alone in his studio. He’s not even working on his music anymore, he just spends the day in his studio beating himself and wallowing in his self pity. The second he slammed his studio door shut he knew he made a mistake. He wanted to rush out of the room and make it better but he already knew he couldn’t do anything that would take back his actions.

He doesn’t even know why he said all of that to you. You were completely right. He was the one who was cutting everyone off in favor of hiding in his studio. You were genuinely just concerned for him and all he did was push you away even more.

Jihoon had been stressed. Showcase time was never nice to him as he was always swarmed with his own and other’s work. Due to the success of last year’s performance, he seemed to have even more projects than normal this year, which led him to being cooped up most hours of the day. He was aware he wasn’t giving attention to any of his friends, let alone you. Being away from you for so long made him irritable and he missed you just as much as you missed him but he knew he couldn’t go see you with the Showcase so soon.

Being alone for prolonged periods of time wasn’t great for Jihoon. It left his mind to wander which then led to him thinking about things he didn’t want to. Things like his feelings for you.

He’s always sworn that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you but a conversation with Seungcheol made him rethink that.

“Hyung!” Seungcheol turns around to face the younger boy. “Never give Y/N’s number to some random stranger like that again, got it?”

“Namjoon? He said that she wanted to go on a date with him.”

“She was drunk. You should have asked her before giving it out freely. That was stupid.”

“Jihoon I know you’re all protective over her and everything, but why do you care so much? She can take care of herself, and she can date whoever she wants. Unless you don’t want her dating someone.”

“Why wouldn’t I want that?” Jihoon scoffs.

“Maybe because you’re fucking in love with Y/N.”

After that conversation the idea couldn’t get out of his mind. Him…in love with you? Lee Jihoon in love with L/N Y/N? Could that be possible?

Despite all of his songs about love and heartbreak, Jihoon has never been in a relationship before. He’s not exactly what being in love feels like.

Whenever you’re with him he feels empowered, like it doesn’t matter whatever happens because you’ll be there with him, holding his hand, and it will all work out. Is that love?

Is love when he feels safe whenever you’re around? That he’s supported and taken care of, that there is someone in his corner.

You’ve always there for him. Besides maybe Soonyoung and Seungcheol, nobody else bothered to check in on him when he closed himself off. But without a doubt you would be there dragging him out of the apartment to go get lunch together or take him to go check out the new bookstore that opened up downtown. Just seeing your smiling face could make all of his stress melt away.

When you press soft kisses to his face and he feels a comfortable warmth spread throughout his whole body, is that love?

He thinks about you all the time, even if he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. You inspire his work and push him to be a better person. There’s nobody else in his life who means the world to him the way you do.

Is he in love because out of everyone in the entire world, even out of supermodels and celebrities, he would choose you? And that he wants you to choose him back, no matter what. Through the good days and the bad days, through all of his highs and lows, he wants you to choose him and nobody else.

Jihoon can’t imagine you being with anyone else other than him. He doesn’t want other men to flirt with you and he wants all of the special moments to be between you and him, nobody else. He doesn’t even want to think about anyone else kissing you or playing with your hair or anything he does with you. He wants to be the only one who does that to you.

If he is in love with you, where has it been hiding? Why hasn’t he figured it out before now? Was the love hiding in intertwined hands and whispered jokes? Was it in the late night adventures and early morning cuddles? Jihoon wonders if your love was hidden in movie nights and grocery shopping.

Jihoon can’t kid himself anymore, he’s thoroughly infatuated with you. He wants to spend the rest of his life by your side, and he wants to cherish you everyday, and tell you he loves you with all of his being whenever he can.

The realization sends him into an even deeper spiral. Jihoon loves you, and now he’s gone and fucked up the best thing is in his life.

You won’t ever forgive him, and he doesn’t want you to. He can’t even begin to think about how badly he’s hurt you. Not just from his words but his actions as well. He’s been ignoring you, brushing you off, hell he even stood you up. You deserved better than Jihoon.

You deserve better, but the selfish part of him still wants you to love him. He wants to be the one you pick, but that’s not fair of him to ask you. He told you he didn’t love you even after you laid out your whole heart for him. He left you crying on his living room floor and he did nothing to make it better.

He had no excuse for his actions. It didn’t matter how stressed he was, he let his own insecurities get a hold of him and he took it out on you. He got into a big fight with Bumzu which left Jihoon feeling unconfident in his songwriting abilities. He threw himself into his work even more to make up for it.

Then one day Soonyoung came home from a photoshoot with you and he raved about how you seemed to be thriving. You were busy but were still able to keep up with everything and he was envious. Envious that you could so effortlessly handle the stress of your life. You could get your work done and still have time to see your friends. You were also still texting him, checking up on him periodically all while he ignored you.

If Jihoon is being honest, he’s always admired your work ethic. You’ve always been known for your phenomenal photography, even back in high school. When college hit you got your apprenticeship at your agency within the first semester of college. Jihoon’s music career didn’t truly pick up until this year and he felt like he needed to work even harder just to get up to your level. People have always sought your photography skills and you were always working on multiple projects and were able to flawlessly juggle them. You worked and did the newspapers and plays and were still able to help people with their photography needs and take care of your friends. On top of all of it you were still able to make time for Jihoon as well. Jihoon was never that good at juggling multiple things; his attention is very all or nothing.

It wasn't fair to you for him to take up your time when you had so much going on so he started to avoid you. After he realized how much it affected you, it was too late, he was ashamed of his actions and he was so guilty that he didn’t want to see you because it would be too much for him. He would then have to face his actions. So he avoided you even more.

Then he missed the day you guys were supposed to meet and he felt like an even bigger asshole. Bumzu had called him to the office to apologize and introduce him to the new project he wanted Jihoon’s help with, and he was too hyper focused on that to even remember you. He’s not sure what was wrong with him, he’s never forgotten about you.

Then he got even busier with the Fine Arts Showcase and he got into a fight with Soonyoung. The older boy was pressing him to get out of his studio, that he was being childish for ignoring all his friends, and Jihoon snapped at him. He said a lot of fucked up shit about Soonyoung’s dancing career in comparison to his music career. Soonyoung hasn’t talked to him since.

Then he still had to worry about you so he thought that if he sang Ruby you would be able to finally talk to one another and get things worked out. Everything would be okay. He knew he was guilty of not coming to your exhibit with the others but he knew that he could make it back up to you, but he would never have a chance to network like that again. Bumzu had just told him about the new K-Pop group he would be producing for and he knew he couldn't mess that up. If he was being honest he was also trying to steer clear of Soonyoung because that guilt was also eating him up.

On Saturday he was so nervous for his performance. He wanted his heart to reach yours and for you to be touched by his lyrics, for you to come find him after the show and make it all better. But after the show a bunch of girls crowded him and all he could think about was a conversation he had with Bumzu.

“Are you dating anyone right now?”

“Excuse me?”

“Are you dating anyone right now?”

“If you’re trying to set me up with someone, I’m not looking for anyone to date.”

Bumzu snorts at this. “Okay but dude, there’s no way you’re not seeing someone, Ruby is way too intense not to be about someone.”

“It’s…complicated.” Jihoon frowns. He’s not dating you but the song is about you.

“Well if anyone asks, no it’s not. You’re an attractive, young, talented guy. If girls think you’re single your fame will be through the charts, trust me.”

“Whatever you say hyung.”

That led to him telling those girls that the song wasn’t about anyone. He didn’t even know you heard him until he heard Soonyoung shouting your name as your figure disappeared into the crowd. He didn’t even realize you were standing there. It was still a stupid decision on his part. He never should have listened to Bumzu, and he never should have let those girls flirt with him. It felt wrong the whole time and as soon as the words left his mouth he knew it wasn't right. He wanted to run after you but Minghao was glaring at him and he felt like he didn’t have the right to go after you anymore.

On Sunday Jihoon went to the photography exhibit. He was hoping to catch you there but he should have known better. Your art was the first thing he saw though, hung up in the center of the room for everyone to adore. He looked over each photo, warmth filling his heart at the sight of his friends doing what they love.

He frowned at the fact he wasn’t there though. Why wasn’t he there? He racked his brain trying to think of why he wasn’t there and then he realized it was because he never had time for you. You had brought up the project to him on multiple occasions but he was always too busy for you. It seems he’s been too busy for you a lot lately.

Then his insecurities started to eat at him again. It seemed that you were still able to function without him. He could even say you were thriving. Your photos are beautiful, you had amazing friendships, what right did he have to be in your life and mess that up? You don’t need him.

Then he ran into you and he couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle hurting you even more so he pushed you away, only to come to regret it. He wants you around, he needs you, he doesn’t think you’re annoying, and he never wants you to shut up.

He didn’t mean anything he said, he didn’t even know what he was saying, he just needed to let out all of his emotions and he did it in the wrong way to the wrong person. He betrayed all the trust you put into him and he threw it back in your face.

The week following has been the worst week of Jihoon’s life. He barely goes to class and he only leaves his studio in the dead of night. He doesn’t want to see Soonyoung, to see the way Soonyoung looks at him in disgust.

Jihoon’s eyes flit down to the framed picture on his studio desk. It's the one that Mingyu took during Halloween. Your bodies leaning into each other in your couple’s costume, giant smiles spread across your lips. It pains him to keep the photo, but it would pain him more to get rid of it.

He knows he has to make this better with you. He also knows there’s a big chance you won’t forgive him, but he at least needs to apologize to you, to try and make it better. He owes it to you to get proper closure if you really do want him to leave you be. He just needs to figure out a way to do it.

“Are you okay?” The voice startles you and you look up to see Hyunwoo.

It’s been a little over two weeks since you and Jihoon had your “break up”. Finals were over and winter break was upon you guys but nobody in your friend group was going back home. You had too many obligations at your jobs to go back home, but you didn’t mind.

Even though you are coming into work everyday, you know your performance isn’t the best. You didn’t think anyone would notice but here Hyunwoo is, standing in front of you, noticing.

“Uhm it’s complicated,” you chuckle darkly. “I’m sorry if I’m dragging the team down.”

“No, no! Not at all! I didn’t mean to imply anything like that, I was just…worried about you. You seem down lately. If you don’t want to talk about it you don’t have to but I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to cheer you up.”

“Ah, you’re so sweet Hyunwoo, but I think this is something I just have to wait until it passes.”

“I see.” Hyunwoo is quiet for a moment before starting up again. “I know this might not be the best timing but I think I’ll kick myself if I don’t do it. Y/N, will you go on a date with me?”

You look up at the tall man with wide eyes. That is…not something you were expecting. You think about the day when Jihoon asked you if you would go on a date with Hyunwoo if he asked and you shook the idea off. Now here you are, being propositioned by him.

“Hyunwoo…I’m kind of going through a break up of sorts? I don’t know, it’s complicated. I just don’t want to use you as a rebound.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Is that who that small guy was at the grocery store? Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t want to pry. But if you’ll have me, I’d still like to take you out. You deserve a nice night without thinking about him.”

You weigh your options. Soonyoung, Minghao, Nayeon, and Sana have been trying to get you to go out and feel nice for once and you keep shutting them down. Maybe this is your chance to at least try and if it goes horribly wrong you know then you know not to do it again.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll go on a date with you.”

You guys agree to go out tomorrow night (Friday) and Hyunwoo leaves with a giant smile on his face.

When you tell Sana about this she’s more excited than you are. She even helps you get ready for the date.

“Sana I am not wearing lingerie on this date. It’s not like that.” You snatch the pair of black strappy lace panties out of Sana’s hands.

“So? Don’t do it for him, do it for you. To feel good.” Sana picks up the matching bra and hands it over to you as well. “What’s the worst thing that can happen? He sees it? Oh no you’re going to get laid Y/N, the horrors.”

You glare at her but make a decision to wear it. Not because you think you’re going to get laid, just because you want to feel nice about yourself.

You pair your undergarments with a dusty pink satin dress and white heels. Sana finishes up the final touches of your makeup when you get a phone call. It’s Hyunwoo.

“Hello?”

“Hi! I’m here and I was going to send you a text but I wanted to be a little more romantic than that. I’d go up to your apartment door but I can’t exactly get inside the building.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll be down in a minute.” You hang up the phone and tell Sana that Hyunwoo is here. She gives you your hand purse and one final look over before she’s sending you out the door.

When you get to the front of your building you can see Hyunwoo standing outside with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. You blush deeply and hurry up to greet him. His mouth drops open when he sees you but he quickly recuperates.

“These are for you, and they’re nearly as beautiful as you are. Wow Y/N, I’m not kidding you are stunning.” Hyunwoo takes your hand as you do a little twirl for him.

“Thank you, and you look very handsome as well.” He’s in a black button up shirt with matching black pants and a black blazer. The top button of his shirt is unbuttoned and the only bit of color in his whole outfit is the silver of his belt buckle.

Hyunwoo leads you to his car and you two take off. You guys converse as you drive and you find that making conversation with Hyunwoo is easy, even outside of work. You talk about how busy you’ve been and everything going on in your life and he listens intently.

You two pull up to a restaurant and park before Hyunwoo is at your door opening it for you. You take his hand and he leads you all the way into the restaurant. The building itself is nice and you don’t think you’ve ever been in a restaurant so nice before.

When you two sit down Hyunwoo is sure to pull out your chair for you before seating himself. When you pick up the menu the prices stun you for a second and you hear Hyunwoo laugh across the table.

“Darling, don’t worry about the prices.” He then leans across the table towards you. “You didn’t hear this from me but trust me, the agency pays me a hefty sum of money for modeling for them.”

You giggle at this, all of the worries and stress ebbing away.

The rest of the night goes without a hitch. Hyunwoo is genuinely sweet and funny and good at holding a conversation. You find yourself not thinking about Jihoon and rather laughing along at Hyunwoo’s stories he tells you.

Afterward as you’re walking back to Hyunwoo’s car he speaks up.

“I’m going to be honest here, I’m not sure I want this night to end yet, so would you like to come back to my place for drinks?”

You find yourself agreeing and soon you’re in Hyunwoo’s penthouse living room, a few drinks in but not even tipsy yet. Hyunwoo had put a random movie on but it’s been forgotten as you sit in Hyunwoo’s lap, making out. You can’t even blame this one on the alcohol. Hyunwoo had asked if he could kiss you and you agreed, it was as simple as that.

Hyunwoo pulls back from you, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. “Y/N. I know that you’re still getting over your other guy and that there’s a chance that this will turn into nothing, but I want you so badly. I don’t care if you still love that other guy, who by the way is nowhere near good enough for you, but please just let me help you forget about him. Just for tonight.”

His hands sit on your thigh and your brain is already a little fuzzy from just making you. You blink at Hyunwoo for a moment before nodding back. “Please, help me forget.”

With that Hyunwoo is scooping you up into his arms and carrying you off to his bedroom.

Trying to make a plan to get you back is proving to be harder than Jihoon has expected. It doesn’t help that none of the people closest to you seem to be talking to him and everyone else is unaware of the situation.

Everytime Minghao is over to visit Jun he can’t do anything but glare at the other boy and make off-handed comments about him. It’s gotten to the point where if Jihoon knows Minghao is going to be over he’ll leave the apartment.

So Jihoon can’t ask anyone for help and he’s not too sure anyone would be his side anyways. He knows you better than anyone else though, so he should be able to do this.

It doesn’t help that everytime he thinks about you though, he wants to just hit himself in the head and hide away forever. He misses you even more than he did before everything blew up. He never realized how much it meant to him to be able to hold you at night and now his sleep schedule is messed up even more than usual.

He knows the real way to fix this is talking to you in person, but he can’t do that while your friends are hiding you away from him and he’s too much of a coward to just text you. So his next best idea is to do what he’s best at: writing music.

Jihoon is clicking through his files when he sees an unlabeled file and frowns. He prides himself on being very organized, especially with everything on his computer. He moves his cursor over to the file and clicks it open.

His eyes go wide and his face blushes red when the photos of you pop up onto his screen. One night while you guys were still on good terms, he was locked away in his studio working on a song. He had a bit of free time while all of the audio clips transferred over and he was bored so of course he pulled up his stash of sexy photos and videos of you. He wanted to see them on a larger scale so he uploaded all of them to his laptop and put them in an unlabeled folder for him to use when he was feeling particularly needy for you but was stuck in his studio.

The photo on the screen is one of his favorites. You’re face down on the bed with your ass in the air. Your lacy red panties are pulled to the side and a pretty silver butt plug with a red gem sits in your ass. Below it your pussy is dripping. Jihoon’s cock is in frame, his tip lined up to your wet entrance.

Jihoon remembers how hard he fucked you that day. He fucked you into the mattress while he shoved a dildo in and out of your cute little ass. You were so full and you came at least three times just from his cock and the toy alone.

He clicks to the next picture. It’s a solo mirror picture you sent to him one day while he was in class. You’re sitting in your room with your legs spread under you. Your tits are out in the open and a pair of pink panties sit over your core. He was in his music history class when you sent that photo. You had also sent him a video to go along with the photo where you pulled your panties to the side and bounced on a thick dildo while whining for Jihoon and wishing it was his actual cock pistoning into you. He couldn't pay attention for the rest of the lecture and afterwards he stormed all the way to your apartment to make you choke on his dick. Before Jihoon even realizes he’s doing it, his hand reaches down to palm at his cock in his sweats.

The next file to come up is a video. The camera shakes as the phone is awkwardly placed down and propped against something. Then Jihoon comes into view as he walks over to where you’re laying on the bed. You’re already naked but Jihoon is fully dressed. He slides into place behind you and picks you up so your legs straddle his thighs.

“Sit up baby, let the camera see you.” Jihoon hears his own voice flow through his headphones. In the video he’s pulling you up so your tits are in frame, as well as your soaked pussy. “Mmm, look at your pretty little cunt, already so wet for me. Want me to finger you bunny?”

You only nod but it’s enough for Jihoon. His hand is sliding down your body and to your clit. He rubs circles the bud and you’re already shaking. You let out small begs for Jihoon to finger you. After a few more jerks of his fingers he complies and sinks a finger into your cunt.

Your whimpers make Jihoon’s dick stir and he’s pulling down his sweats and boxers to get his dick out of his pants. He spreads the precum around his dick a bit before pumping his cock into his hand. He watches the video intently as video Jihoon curves his finger into you. Soon he’s adding another finger and thrusting into you quicker. His thrusts get deeper the quicker he plunges into you, his fingers grazing your cervix.

Jihoon fists his cock to the pace he’s fingering fucking you at and he wishes he has the real thing. That it’s your pussy clamping around his dick and not his hand, that the real you is in his lap instead of just a video of you in his lap. You’re freely moaning out now and Jihoon can feel his balls tightening. On camera you let out a sob as you fall forward, Jihoon catches you and continues to fuck into you as you ride out your orgasm.

Real life Jihoon cums as he watches you squirm around. His cum squirts all over his hand and torso and he releases his dick to lean back, his breathing heavy. The video stops and he finally gets a hold of the situation.

What is he doing? Jerking off to pictures and videos of a girl whose heart he broke. He’s disgusting and shameful and he misses you more than anything. He wants to be able to hold you again, and not just in a sexual way, but in a romantic way as well.

Jihoon knows he should clean up and forget that this ever happened but instead he finds himself clicking to the next video and grabbing at his cock again. And if he jerks off for the rest of the night thinking about you, well nobody else has to know.

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doebt · 4 years

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and everytime i recount one of these traumatic events i just feel more and more hopeless. im getting really very good at pretending to be normal, ive spent my entire life practicing it, but ik im not and ik i never will be, not even close..and i just have to live with it and hope that at least a few people in the world will treat me well in spite of it??? wtf

#and so much of it is surfacing lately and i guess #its like im realising how bad it was #i guess ive been 'realising how bad it was' for a long time now but i just keep realising it more and more #and remembering more and more #like when my dad would hold me against the bathroom wall with 1 arm pressed against my neck #so he could do his little dermatological surgeries (read: sticking needles into individual pores to 'get everything out')#and lock me in my room for the entire day afterwards bc i would cry and scream so much #or all the times in the car w my mom when she would pass out at the wheel and drive us into those shallow roadside ditches #everytime was just as terrifying as the last #and those are 2 relatively small (in the big picture) things but #they still affect me like...so much #like...more than they should #and then i get so...self absorbed about it #and i have this burning resentment in my heart for anyone who had a childhood that was anything less than miserable and traumatic #which i hate bc that isnt like. in my nature at all..i really hate it and i do suppress it and fight against it but its still there #its like i just wallow in self pity all the time. everytime i think about it (which is...all the time)#even though ik soooo many people have it sooo much worse and i really have a lot going for me #and its in the past anyway so why even bother thinking about it anymore #but i cant stopppp

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dreamiesdotcom · 3 years

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february spring | h.rj

genre: hanahaki!au, angst, fluff

trigger warning: character death

summary: You wonder what he'll do when he realizes you no longer cough petals, but flowers in full bloom — that inside you is a full blown spring, within a body that exists in winter.

word count: 2.7k

The thing about flowers is that they suck.

Today again you wake up coughing petals and blood, feeling like wanting to burn the world and then your damned feelings — but no, you think, you'd rather not have life at all if you're not in love with him. You'd choose him again and again if asked.

That's the stupid thing about it. You're so willing to hurt and to be hurt for love that made flowers grow inside you.

Your mom is crying at the foot of your bed, praying for it all to be gone; the petals, the blood, the disease you have to fight because you fell for the wrong person. Your dad turned around to face the wall, tears in his eyes. He wants you to be better. He needs you to be better, and he needs to be strong so you could fight.

It's useless, anyway.

"This could end in three ways," you remember your doctor saying. "Either he loves you back, you take the surgery, or you die."

And you know what that means? That no amount of strength, of happiness, will keep you alive. It's impossible for him to love you back. You're dying. There's flowers growing inside you and you're dying — dying in the most beautiful way; dying of love.

Of stupid love, but you disregard that.

"Mom," you call. "I don't want the surgery."

"You want to die?" She asks with a laugh, "You want to die for a boy who doesn't even know of your love?"

"Y/N," your dad calls, a warning.

"Please don't make me go through it," you close your eyes. "I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget love."

Because it's all I have, you wanted to say. Love is the one thing worth having, and you can't imagine yourself after the surgery; you'll get your emotions removed alongside the flowers in both your lungs and heart. You can't imagine that.

It's not even about him anymore. It's—

"Mom, please," you beg, "I don't... I don't want to live in a world where I wouldn't be able to live and love. I don't want to live not loving you and dad."

Because what is a human without love, emotions? An empty vessel. A withering rose. Something to stare at emptily as slowly, they begin to die.

Tears well in your mother's eyes, shaking her head, repeating the same words again and again — "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him" — but you made up your mind. You're dying, but before that you're gonna live —

you're gonna live, and this time not for him anymore; for yourself. For yourself too.

Even though life with this disease is limited to this hospital, the window and the rooftop, it is life still — this sickness made you cherish all the little things you'll lose when your body loses warmth. On some days you play with the kids, young hearts running around not really understanding their situations.

You put a smile on your face after everytime you throw up — you hide away somewhere no one would see, you hide yourself. You want to live. If you want to live, there's no need to be pitied.

At night, before you need to go to your room, you go to the rooftop and meet with a friend; Huang Renjun, same case. His heart longs for the stars, the moon, and a boy who is and will always be happier with someone else.

Tonight again, you stargaze.

"Imagine what we'll be if we weren't like this," he wonders out loud, "You'd still be annoying."

You kick his foot lightly, making him laugh, "See? You're sick and annoying. If you weren't sick, you'd be even more annoying!"

You turn to face him, and a fond smile is on his face, "You'd be beautiful still, even more without the tiredness in your eyes."

"And you'd still be handsome, Renjun," you find yourself saying, "You'd still love books and poetry, and stars..."

"But your smile wouldn't be so sad," he continues, pointing to Sirius, tracing the entire constellation as if the stars are right before his fingertips. "Your smile would be open and honest, not just something to comfort me."

You smile wistfully. He rolls around to pin you down, his hands on your wrists, a smile of his own on his face. It's something silly, kind of cheeky — typical Renjun.

"You're my only friend, Y/N," he confesses. "And I hate him. I hate the boy who made you sick."

Tears start to fall from his eyes, leaving him shaking. His arms still pin you to the ground, his tears falling on your face. He sobs. He sobs and sobs and my god, he still looks beautiful — Sirius rests on the space where his neck and shoulders meet. Galaxies are in his eyes.

He looked beautiful, so beautiful that you didn't have the heart to tell him that it's him. There's no other boy but him.

###

I wonder when he'll notice...

February cold engulfs you in its hold, making you shiver. Renjun walks beside you. It's a silent trip to the rooftop, snow falling in beautiful flakes. He takes notice in your silence.

I wonder when he'll ask if I love him...

"Are you okay?" Renjun asks, shoulder brushing against yours.

You smile at him, "I'm fine. I'm just a little cold."

Time is running out...

"Renjun," you call out his name, "Do you think you could ever fall in love with me?"

He looks at you as if you said something absurd. He laughed, he laughed until he coughed blood and petals — you stop in panic, rubbing his back.

"I think the cold is doing us no good," you say. "Let's head inside."

Was it really that impossible for you to fall in love with me?

"No, no, I'm fine." He wipes the blood off his lips, "See?"

Scary as it seems, the petals have become usual visitors for patient with Hanahaki. It doesn't even bother Renjun anymore at this point.

He'll have the surgery and get better — just a little more, he said, let me feel this love for a little more, because after the surgery I know I never will love again.

The petals don't shake him anymore. There's a cure, after all. A cure you keep denying yourself.

"Alright, let's go."

You resume walking, looking straight ahead. The sun is setting as a white sunset.

You wonder what he'll do when he realizes you no longer cough petals, but flowers in full bloom — that inside you is a full blown spring, within a body that exists in winter.

###

"Happy Birthday to you~ happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, happy birthday..."

You look at Renjun's room, meeting gazes with Lee Jeno. You smile and look away.

Renjun has told you the story of three best friends.

Jaemin and Jeno are his regular visitors. Whenever they come, there's a spark in Renjun's eyes — the glint of sadness, the look of yearning for love like theirs. You know. You pass by his door everytime.

You know, too, that he's still in love with Na Jaemin.

Whenever they come by, they bring him flowers — you laugh, because Renjun has enough of those blooming inside him. They bring him food to eat, bring him gifts, but there's no love for him in that space. Jaemin and Jeno's love are solely for each other, and Renjun wants that selfishness too; he wants Jaemin's love all to himself. It's what planted those seeds.

Whenever they come, Renjun wallows in envy and self pity and sadness, sadness because it breaks his heart that seeing them both so happy hurts him. Whenever they come, you battle yourself to not yell at them and make them leave and tell them they're not of any help, not helping him feel better — Renjun's life is just as limited as yours. He has counted seconds and all they do is make him realize what a fool he was to fall for someone he'll never have.

Whenever they leave, they leave a hole in his heart — it only grows bigger and bigger with every visit, with every goodbye. Renjun must be a fool.

But he'll have it, the surgery. He wants to live that much, that even though it will be impossible for him to feel love, he'll still search for happiness.

And that's how you know it.

You're dying.

In silence, you break down and whisper your greetings: Happy birthday, Renjun.

###

Renjun sits across you, holding the flowers Na Jaemin has given him. He plucks them once — he loves me. The sun is hidden away by the clouds, and his gaze that once were on you flutters across the room, back to where Jaemin stands. He plucks another petal — he loves me not.

Jaemin looks back to your direction, and waves. You're sure it made Renjun's heart flutter.

"You're the infamous Y/N," Jaemin grins. "I hope we can be good friends."

"Before I die, that is," you joke, earning a smack from Renjun. The stem of the flower hits the back of your head.

He loves me.

"Jaemin, where's Jeno?" Renjun asks, curious. There's no sight of honey haired boy and it's a strange sight, but you know deep inside he is pleased.

He loves me not.

"He's busy today."

"As he is every day?"

"C'mon, Renjun," Jaemin laughs. "It's not like he never gives me time."

Renjun shakes his head anyway. He releases a big sigh, calming himself down — deep inside he knows he can love Jaemin better. A pained look flashes in your eyes.

Renjun taps your thigh in concern.

He loves me.

"I need to go, 'jun," Jaemin says, taking his belongings with him. He runs straight to the door, but before that he turns around and waves.

When Jaemin leaves the room, Renjun looks like he just fell in love. Again.

A bitter smile draws on your face.

He loves me not.

###

The day of Renjun's surgery came quicker than expected. The explanation was simple; he can never feel love again, but he will survive. He will be alive and that's what matters.

It's a sad thought, living without love. But Renjun would rather not love than not live at all.

"It's tomorrow," he said. "You should take care."

You don't meet his gaze.

"I'm tired, Renjun," you whisper, clutching his shirt to pull him impossibly closer.

A smile draws on his face, a beautiful sight to look at.

He asks, "Tired of what?"

And you've been tired of a lot of things. You tried not being so, but you can't help but fail miserably — lately everything's just been too much. Most of them, though; thoughts like this, like the truth that spills from your mouth.

"Of the flowers growing inside me," you say wistfully, "I'm tired of it and I hate it. I hate it so much."

"Y/N..."

"And I'm tired of you too, of you looking at me with those eyes," you turn to face Renjun who sits with his head hung low. You let a chuckle escape your lips, "Those eyes that look at me as if you could love me had you not met Jaemin."

Renjun couldn't say a word.

You feel yourself withering away as more flowers bloom inside you.

###

Renjun left right after he recovered from the surgery, the nurses said. You stay in your bed all those time, not bidding him goodbye at all. You throw up more flowers than usual, more blood.

All the promises you made about living life before you die is gone. All you can think about is how difficult it is to breathe, how hard it is to live.

"Mom," you call, hoping for ease, "I want to give up."

But she smiles with tears in her eyes, she smiles. You see, she had the most beautiful smile in the world. Her eyes are brimming with unshed tears and her lips stretched in a pitiful expression, "No, darling," she begs. "Stay awake. Stay awake for me."

You smile back.

"It hurts to breathe."

"It will be okay," at least she prays. "It's gonna be okay. Go through with the surgery."

You shake your head, declining still. Time is running out. Your father hugs you tight, the first time in years, a kiss pressed on your temple. Your mother holds your hand.

I don't want to, you repeat again and again.

Your father holds your hand — "We'll do what you want."

And there's a protest at the tip of your mother's tongue, but it melts away at the sight of tears falling from your eyes.

"Okay, sweetie," she says. "We'll do what you want."

Your doctor comes in a hurry minutes after. He's panting, a red flush on his face — he seems mad. "How long has it been?"

"Doctor..."

"You didn't tell us you were coughing out whole flowers."

Your mother's cries start to get louder. Full flowers meant the last stage: the closest to death. At this point it's a game between life and death and the dangers in between. You smile.

"I'm sorry," you whisper, "But I'm not going through the surgery, doctor."

They look at you with eyes of pity, saddened that it has come to this. Your doctor nods. Your mother shakes in your father's hold. You laugh, "Why are you all crying?"

"Stupid child," your mother says. "Stupid Y/N."

You laugh harder, tears falling from your eyes. "I love you, mom," you say. "Can you hold my hand tighter? I'm scared."

From outside your door, Renjun clamps his hand over his mouth; he feels like throwing up. He originally planned to say one last goodbye, but instead, he gets this... this. Whatever the hell this mess is.

You're dying, all because you're in love with him.

All because he couldn't love you back.

###

The time comes quicker than expected.

You look at your body, watching from your soul — this must be what it is like to be have your soul wandering. You breathe in sharply, breathe out. You look at all the tubes connected to your body.

You go through the wall, moving to hug your parents. Your mother must've felt you, for her sobs grew louder and she called your name.

Suddenly, someone storms in.

"Doctor, it seems like you have an emergency patient," the nurse intervenes.

"Who's the patient?"

"Huang Renjun."

Your feel your heart drop — who knew you could still feel such things? But Renjun, didn't he...

"Renjun? Didn't he have a successful surgery?"

"Yes," the nurse looks down in shame, "But it seems there's remains of flowers in his lungs. He's now coughing out flowers in full-bloom."

The doctor rushes out of the room, saying excuses to your parents. You watch your own body breathe its last breath.

The nurse looks down, "Y/L/N Y/N, time of death, 10:48 a.m."

You wander around the hospital, going to where your feet take you. You soon find yourself in the emergency room, watching Renjun almost pass out from coughing flowers.

"Renjun," you call — the ghost of you, your soul. The one Renjun sees.

He looks in panic, knowing why he's seeing you; he's ready to die. What he's not ready for is to see you as a soul, dead and eternally young.

He blinks once, twice, hoping you don't disappear. It's not all truthful words, but he says it — "I love you."

Outside the room, Renjun's parents wonder to themselves — who is he talking to? What is he mumbling? His parents can't help but cry, worried at every flutter of his eyes.

"They say... when people are almost dying, their closest family visit them to take them to paradise." Jaemin says with a bitter smile, "I heard... Y/N passed. He might be seeing her."

A slap sounds in the room.

"My son is not dying!" Renjun's mother says. Jaemin nods, tears falling from his eyes.

"Are you scared?" you ask, head tilted, hands brushing strands of his hair away from his face.

"Yes," Renjun confesses.

"I'll hold your hand."

"Until it's over?"

You smile, "You're one of my greatest friend, after all."

Renjun never expected to die. Then, at the same time, he never expected the tiny sliver of love he feels for you — love for a friend, for a dear one. Renjun found a real best friend within you.

So, he holds your hands and comes with you.

"Doctor? Doctor, what's happening— my son!" His mother calls as he watches his eyelids close, "Renjun... My little boy..."

One last smile, one last cough of his favorite flower — Renjun is at peace. He closes his eyes and remains his age forever.

"Huang Renjun, time of death, 10:52 a.m."

#nct dream #nct dream one shot #nct dream imagines #nct dream x reader #nct dream blurbs #nct dream drabbles #nct dream scenario #renjun #renjun oneshot #renjun drabbles #renjun blurbs #renjun imagines #renjun x reader #hanahaki au #nct dream hanahaki au

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scarletwinterxx · 3 years

Text

why, oh why does god keep bringing me back to you?

So I was just watching the new preview for Ariana Grande’s docu film and it happens to be a performance of one of fave track of hers then this scenario popped up in my head. Next thing I know I was typing away😂 i know i just wrote a scenario also using an Ari song for inspo but i just really really like her songs okay hahah I hope you enjoy reading this one!

Also I’m thinking about opening for requests maybe? or just scenarios you guys would like to read about. Send me a message then I’ll see what I can do😉

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

The last time you saw Mark was when you broke up, With tears in your eyes, a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes and a half hearted goodbye.

It would be a lie if you say you didn’t miss him, these past six months have been hell for you. How do you go from having the most wonderful boy in your life then not? It’s was a struggle to say the least.

The first week was hell. You didn’t even leave your room. Food tray abandoned that your bestfriend courteously left in hopes that you would eat, boxes and boxes of tissues littered around the trashbin, You made no effort in making yourself feel better, you spent that time just wallowing in pain and self pity. After the first month, you finally were trying to get back to normal. You tried not to cry so much, tried cleaning your place and even made plans with your bestfriend in hopes that it will cheer you up.

There are moments of course when you can’t help but wonder what he’s doing right now. Mark was a busy guy, if he wasn’t halfway across the world he would be too busy to come and see you. To an extent you understood that. You knew that it was going to be the tough but you still chose him anyways.

Loving him might have been complicated but he was worth all of it.

Until one day you realized that you haven’t seen your boyfriend, well now ex boyfriend, in a good six months. Given that he wasn’t even in the same country as you half the time but still, you sent a total of 9 messages back and forth over the past three weeks. NINE.

Mark was beyond tired, if there was anyone who knew this it would be you. There were far too many nights when he came to you, crashing straight into your arms and saying only a few words because he just didn’t have the energy in him. You just hugged him a bit tighter because you know he’ll understand what you were trying to say without using any words.

You should’ve never let it get to that point, the point where it felt like you didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. You were angry at yourself and Mark too.

As your gaze fall on him from across the room, you can see the usual smile he had on. The look in his eyes as if they hold all the stars in the universe.

You try not to stare too long but you were a second too late before his gaze was on you.

Quickly you looked away, pretending to be interested at the cup in your hand before making your way out of the room and into the second story of the house you were in.

You found yourself at an empty balcony, the booming bass from downstairs could be felt through the floor. You set your cup down on the bannister, just taking this moment to take a deep breath and collect your thoughts.

“You okay?” the sudden voice from behind you made you jump in surprise, looking back to see Mark holding up both of his hands “Sorry sorry I didn’t mean to scare you” he said

You just looked at him for a few seconds, he feels nervous under your gaze he didn’t even know why is that. Maybe because it’s the first time he’s seen you in months. Or maybe because you looked as beautiful as ever and he wanted nothing but to tell you this. Or maybe because he just missed you too much.

Of course he didn’t say any of those things, instead he felt awkward around you. Rethinking his choice of following you up here, but in his defense he just wanted to check if you were okay

“It’s okay, I was just trying to get some fresh air” you answered, Mark had one hand on the back of his neck. Something he did when he’s nervous.

Why was he nervous? you thought

“Uhm.. well... okay. I was just checking to see if you were okay” he mumbled, not sure what to say next

“I’m alright, thanks” you shoot him a quick smile before turning your back to him, too afraid that he might see you’re just as nervous as him.

You hear his footsteps get closer then he was standing next to you, looking over at the view infront of you.

“You used to hate going to parties” Mark remembered you telling him how you really didn’t like large crowds after he invited to a party that one of his friends threw, you only said yes because he looked like he really wanted you to come with him so you did. But after an hour, you admitted to him just how much you disliked it.

At that time you thought he was going to be mad ad you but it was Mark, so instead he just smiled down at you before saying a quick goodbye to his friends. You found yourselves at a 24 hour diner sharing a plate of cheese fries and two chocolate milkshakes.

“I still do” your answer made him look over at you, confused as to why you were here tonight. He was glad he saw you again but also baffled at what you just meant by that

“I go out to forget, hoping the drink would help me get over it” you mumbled, you can’t but give him the honest answer

“it?”

you chuckled before speaking, “Think of it as a way of me self-destructing, I don’t like being here but I also hate being at home wallowing in my loneliness every night”

Your answer broke his heart. He knew he was the reason why you were hurting so much and he hate himself for it. He promised he would never ever do anything to make you feel that way, he clearly broke that promise.

“Sorry” him suddenly apologizing made you look over at him, a sullen expression taking over his face

“Don’t be, you don’t have to be sorry anymore”

“But I am, it was my fault why we ended up like this” Mark said, frustration, anger and sadness lacing his voice. He so badly wish he could go back and change how things turned out.

“It was bullshit when I said I was over it” he mumbled under his breath, not having the strength to look at you anymore

“Me too”

“Why did we ever break up again?” he asks, this time looking over at side to you. You can get lost in his stare forever but you know you don’t have that luxury anymore.

“Because we’re tired, the no-shows, few text, no calls. That’s not how we want to be together” you answered, a sad smile making its way on your lips

“And yet fate keeps bringing us back together” he mumbled, you don’t miss the quick gaze he had on your lips before looking back up into your eyes

“Maybe because I’m such a headcase and I don’t want to get over you no matter how many times people say I should” your admission made Mark’s heart beat faster than it already was. Hearing how you were still not over him made him want to jump over to the moon because he felt the exact same way about you.

“You don’t have to say anything, Mark. I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. It was nice seeing you tonight” you said before he could even utter another word, then you stepped closer to him.

Putting a hand on his arm, you stood on your tippy toe then landing a quick kiss on his cheek.

You shoot him one last smile before walking away without another word.

Just like the time you two broke up, Mark was rendered speechless. The feeling of your lips on his cheek still lingering.

He shook his head then took a quick breath, steadying the pace of his heart before going back downstairs.

You both knew this isn’t the last time, there’s never a last time for the two of you know you’ll always come back to each other everytime.

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rekara-blog1 · 6 years

Note

웃 & ☿ ( be salty w us :3c )

meme // accepting !

웃 : An existing character you’ve played in the past that you miss?

HUH. I MISS EVERY CHARACTER and i always Wallow in self pity everytime i leave them………..SIGH BUT! the one i miss the most has to be joseph joestar ( first to aladdin from magi ) besides the fact that i genuinely had the BEST time delving into that Nasty Boy i think i also miss the fact that at the time when i rp’d as him it was …….. an absolute era of Serenity and fluffy feelings then ur bitche hit high school then shit hit the fan rlly quick sjkanjkd

☿ : A trope you dislike?

stop that ur gonna get me in trouble

I ABSOLUTELY HATE. overusing the ‘gratuitous’ tropes where all its sole function is to create shock value & in the end it does nothing at all to move the plot forward like. hell u can move it. backwards even move it sideways just……..why ... uve immediately lost my interest at that point. if ur trying to garner attention to a certain point slash time with what ur doing dont. let it be by cheesy gimmicks like shock value it begins to lose impact noah fence and yes im talkng about 13rw the creators and entire production set smoke dick . i hate u and ur coleslaw brains how do ur minds work together collectively and still bring this disgusting sack of dung to my dinner table. i lost my appetite next

#why did this shit get a season 2 #lumenisse #u r an ENABLER dksnls #◜ ooc. ◞ * ･ﾟ✧ * ━━━━━ ♡ so ? no head ?#◜ inbox. ◞ * ･ﾟ✧ * ━━━━━ ♡ a battle with myself ...

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linagettingfit-blog · 7 years

Text

Home life rant

You can ignore this it’s not fitness related

I just need to get it off my chest. I am SO sick of my husband’s lack of work ethic. Part of it is my fault, not wanting to be a dick I baby him a little, but god nothing I do works to get him off his ass short of riding his and helping him. Like for instance I get up and ask him what he’s been doing all day. Our friend is coming to visit us from NY on Wednesday so we need to finish getting cleaned up and set up for him by then. His response was “I picked up a little.” I literally can’t find where he “picked up” today because nothing changed in the whole apartment. Here’s what i’ve done in the past month to get our place clean: Dishes, everytime except for two times he loaded the dishwasher for me Laundry: Every time, with a MASSIVE backload to do because laundry is HIS chore and he never does it Cleaned the living room three times, him once (But he keeps lording over how he did it ONCE whenever i ask him to clean something) Cleaned both bathrooms

Did the litter box (Fair, they’re my cats, but in that case why am I struggling to get him to take his dog for a fucking walk? I just had to twice because he was “tired” boo fucking hoo I’m literally never NOT tired. Cleaned the study which was PACKED full of boxes and garbage and crap from HIM. I made a mess when I did my makeup in there but aside from that, everything that has trashed that room since has been him, which he still hasn’t picked up again. Cleaned the worse half of the bedroom (It was my side of the bed BUT he had been throwing crap on my side for a few months so 90% of it was HIS mess but i still cleaned it). He only did the bedroom with me because I said I’d help him. Helping him turned into me doing most of the cleaning while he kept going to the study (Where his computer was....) and getting “distracted” or “putting something away” for 15 minutes. It was a fucking struggle to get him to finish it and to get him to vaccum a small spot he missed the next day.

Meanwhile this is what we have left that is decidedly MY responsibility: The rest of the laundry (He agreed to pick it back up as a chore but i had to tell him I’d do all the loads until there were 1-2 left for him to be okay with this...) The rest of the dishes and cleaning the kitchen (which i’ll havfe to do twice because meal prep day is tomorrow) Finish cleaning up the living room (I’ve already cleaned up the junk now it’s just organizing) Clean the study. Again. What he has to do: Vacuum. I’ve tried fucking everything to get him to help me with even just maintaining the cleanliness from asking him to do all of an area, to then compromising to him just picking up the dishes and taking them to the kitchen for me, to it turning into me asking him to just collect the dishes so I can take them to the kitchen. Nothing fucking works. Babying him doesn’t work. Being a dick doesn’t work. Crying doesn’t work. He just doesn’t care and doesn’t want to help. So fuck it. I guess I’ll do EVERYTHING and if h fucking DARES fuck up ANYTHING I’m going to explode. I love this guy. I do. I can overlook all of his other negative qualities but we are BOTH lazy, we both get sad, and we both get tired and sick easily. Why the fuck do I have to power through it but he doesn’t? I just feel like curling up on the couch and crying right now because its so overwhelming. It has been overwhelming and even when he sees me cry over it, it doesn’t motivate him to help. He did his tiny portion of the bedroom, so he feels his work is fucking done. God even besides all of what i listed to do we still have to set up the couch for our friend (make sure a blanket is clean, the covering blanket is clean, and that we have a pillow for him), pick up weed for 4/20 so I don’t have to do it closer to the day (i don’t wanna wait over an hour for legal weed kthanks). The worst part is knowing he’s doing all of this while i’m paying LITERALLY EVER FUCKING BILL RIGHT NOW. I buy the groceries, I pay the bills, I pay rent, I payfor the games he wants, i pay xbox live, I pay for his cellphone, everything. I had 150K from my trust fund and i’m down to 30k because of him just eating through the money. God. Part of me just wants to kill myself and leave him with what’s left and tell him “Good luck, asshole” but that’s just me feeling overwhelmed from all of the hurt I have from him just not giving a fuck about how I feel or how tired I feel. All of this on top of trying to fight shitty eating habits and get to the gym. Can anyone fucking BLAME me when I say I’m too tired to go to the gym? I literally wake up tired because the work in my apartment never ends. I’m legit about to throw out half of my own belongings when i clean just to make it less work. Plus there’s a pile of garbage bags waiting to take out, one of his two chores, that i’ve been slowly taking out on my own because he can’t even take a garbage bag to the dumpster when he takes his dog out. I don’t know what to do besides leave to stay in a hotel until he gets the picture, or just giving up and resigning myself to being a maid for the rest of my life to a really ungrateful person who thinks showing he’s grateful for what I do for him means telling me i’m sexy and beautiful. Fuck you. On the offchance he ever checks out this tumblr and reads it: I love you dude but you’re literally killing me. Step it the fuck up instead of wallowing in self pity about being “worthless.” If you feel worthless or like you don’t do anything THEN FUCKING DO SOMETHING. It’s not that fucking hard.

#i'll delete this later i just need to cry for awhile

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