#ive always had a hard time with them

[harvestmoth]

steven got them for her

#ive been on a bit of a su kick recently i was rewatching some episodes #just kinda picking and choosing them though but i’ll probably do a full rewatch sometime soon #still really really like this show :] i didn’t realize just how much i missed it #ive never posted or said anything about it before but this show was so huge to me and i think it really holds up still #hard to believe its 10 years old later on this year. grew up on this #lapis was always one of my favorites i think. i remember rewatching her debut episodes over and over again when i was younger #sorry for being sentimental on my not-quite-art blog im just going insane about an old favorite #man i hate how its an. old favorite to me now. absolutely horrid #anyways i hate the passage of time but i think im too young to think that #steven universe #lapis lazuli su #probably wont be posting anything else su related i just had to get it out of my system after rewatching alone at sea earlier

[extreme-technicality]

rotating Imogen and Ashton in my head like Beyblades

#technical talks #imogen temult #ashton greymoore #critical role #like. i just. #something about how theyre parallels and mirrors and so similar and so so different #theyre the purple twins #ik ik ashton was all 'ive always wanted a sister' @ fearnie but like he can have two sisters #as a treat yk #idk i just feel like the reason imogen isnt giving ashton as hard a time about the shard as everyone else (cough chetney cough) despite the #Massive Fucking Breakdown laudna had about it is bc on some level she Understands. like she Gets It #its about not having family and then theyre There and you could Touch Them and its like grasping at flames #ashton with the hishari and the shard is like imogen with her mom and ruidus #they are PARALLELS they are MIRRORS they are TWINS and i am smashing their issues together about it

[flamboyant-king]

Hey babes, sorry I've been dead, but I coulda been literally dead if I had not gone.

I didn't hurt myself and we're still figuring things out. I would love to share but I've already forgotten what I've learned. I hope I get more guidance and time for healing and learning on how to lead my life in a better direction than where I was. But that takes time and effort.

I hope to get some rest, get some support, and get it together. But right now, I don't think it's healthy for me to worry about art in the way I do now. I may not express it here, but trying to maintain my art endeavors/projects while there's so much bullshit going on backstage is not helping me. Especially since I'm not even obligated to do so. But trying to force myself to do something I am currently unable to do will just make me feel worse. I'll follow my dreams and passions one day, but I've been putting off the healing process for years.

So I guess it's better to get better now so I can get the ball rolling again. Why drive on a flat tire?

#i was in there for a week and ill continue partial hospitalization for a few weeks #i hope i learn more and i hope i get specific help to my issues. because whay i learned there didnt directly pertain to me #but having structured daily life felt nice. but it wasnt all relaxing because there were still responisibilites on the outside world #tapping on the window or calling me on the phone. chose the best time for a meltdown. i have taxes and credit card bills to take care of #but if i stress about it now ill jsut be going back to the ER and thats no good. the hospital was so cold dude im glad im home with blankets #this is mr octopus again. im glad i broguh hom to work. i went straight to er from work and if i had no plushie with me #i probably would have stayed longer or be even more mentally unstable and distressed. its good to have comfort items #i dont think i want to know ehat if be like without some kind of companion or grounding item with me. i dont want to imagine me without em #its okay to have a little friend with you. i would be so distraught. everyone loved me there #the nurses the patients the residents yhe social workers the students #mr. octopus made them happy because of his big smile and mine too. the people there did not expect the mass amoutns of stress and depression #in this bubbly happy baby witb a happy pink octopus. one of the patients thought it was the meds the happy pills they gave me #no im jsut naturally like this. or artificially like this. i still dont know how to express or understand my feelings #if what im showing is real or not because i know ill be the happiest in the room wherever i go. maybe its a front or a mask #but when im like that kinda hard to know whats really underneath. they always ask me if im okay but i turn to myself #and its nondescript like ive put a blanket over how i really feel. its weird. the bubbly energy is blinding. #words #mr octopus #mental health #doodles

[puppyeared]

i am playing professor layton and the curious village on my ds. very fun!!!

I don't know if i'm very far in because most of the time spent in that game was me being confused and bad at puzzles. it's fun though.

!!! im glad to hear youre enjoying it!! its one of my fav titles and honestly such an underrated series, id love it if more ppl gave it a try!

the puzzles can be difficult but very rewarding!! i used to dread them as a kid but now i find them nice and challenging. the math ones are still hard, but if u speak to Flick at the cafe he'll give you chess puzzles which i think were my favorite ^_^

#its nice because its story driven but gives u enough room to do the puzzles on your own to make progress.. and the rewards like #the gizmos painting pieces and furniture for the minigames are also a nice bonus because it gives u a little extra incentive to solve as #many puzzles as possible!! ngl i didnt know how the hotel room minigame worked but i had fun completing the painting and robot dog #plus the variety and the fact that u dont know which puzzles youre gonna get makes it interesting. and theres no harm if u cant finish or #end up missing some because you can find them in the riddle shack or just do a different one instead and its fine. very cool #i have dyscalculia so the math ones have always been hard for me and id need my brothers help so we'd work on it together #or i'd just search up the answer as a last resort............ #actually im gonna save u the trouble. if u get the camera case puzzle the answer is 95. ITS FUCKED UP I KNOW BUT ITS 95 #it took me like 2 hours with my brother just to figure that out and i dont want anyone to get a headache from that one ITS FRUSTRATING #ive only played curious village and pandoras box bc its the only ones i had as a kid. replaying pandoras box rn actually!!! #i have cracked versions of unwound future and azran legacy which come after CV and PB BUT my version of unwound future is broken #it freezes on the opening cutscene every time i try to play it which SUCKS bc i really wanna play the games in order. maybe ill emulate it #professor layton #ask #answered #yapping #doodles

[dandylyins]

meet me under the pokeberry bushes

#ruehob #battlemaster of ceremonies #acofaf #d20 #idk why i can't like stylized color right now ive repainted this like 30 times 😭 so you guys are just getting the nakey base version #i've had this pokeberries idea for ages too and it's just so HAARRRDD why are plants so hard to draw #i just have always felt pokeberries have very strong hob energy and loved the idea of them meeting by a sprout of them #in the hart hunt woods. for like a clandestine meeting or something #my fanart #2022

[v3il]

systems with MaDD how do i tell if the 'conversations in my daydreams' are just alters communicating??? 😭

#like ik an obvious answer is 'if u cant control them theyre alters' but im already dissociating 99% of the time when im daydreaming #so i wont exactly be thinking about that until afterwards kfjdhf #so i wanna know like. the specifics ig #ive always had a feeling some past daydreams were rlly just alter interactions in the innerworld but its still hard 2 tell most times hhhh #srry if this doesnt make sense lol its late #claudia.txt #did #did system #dissociative identity disorder #endos dni #osdd #osdd system #osdd1b #system #madd #maladaptive daydreaming #maladaptive daydreaming disorder #actually madd #did questions #system questions

[milkbreadtoast]

can finally put them together... the main 4 charas of this story(*that will prob never be made into a thing but its fun to think abt)!!

*whispers* tentative names: 💚강효준 (kang hyojun), 💙이설(yi/lee seol), 💜유성화 (yu seonghwa), ❤️송혜연 (song hyeyeon). Hyojun(m) and Seol(f) are the protags and Seonghwa(m) and Hyeyeon(f) are on the "opposing side" in the story

#my art #OC #im still deciding on the names but atp i think i might just go w these names #else i'll be deciding forever fkbfmff #actually purple hair(seonghwa?? sunghwa??) was the only one w/o a name #ur yu seonghwa now.... #he was almost yuseong but i already associate that name too much w that mystic messenger mf #but i still like it so. sticks it in secretly w his last name(yu)... im so smart /j (im an idiot) #its so hard picking names when its not ur native lang #as a kor am ive been indulgently making kr OCs all this time but its always hard naming them jfbfn... or any ocs in general #so many r unnamed still #i had decided to name blue hair seol from my friend's suggestion yrs ago #but i wanted to stick in a water pun somehow... 이설 sounds kiiinda like 이슬(dew)... not rly... but i tried #almost changed her name to 슬 but ive gotten too used to 설 by now to change it #hyeyeon's name means like... wisdom and beauty #the hyo in hyojun's name means filial piety/duty; a name given w the hope that he would be an obedient and dutiful son? #o btw seol is a girl KDJSKJD but she gets mistaken for a boy often... both in the actual canon + irl apparently Kzhdjs #it actually makes me giggle bc it means i made her gnc enough... happy #edit: i just realized i made them both S H S H names... i didnt mean to make them sound so similar... IT WAS AN ACCIDENT #HANGS HEAD...

[b4kuch1n]

been scribblin with the dip pens to prepare for inking the next comic (yuuto⏫’s “origin story” kind of basically) and wow turns out I can do anything I want forever

yuuto’s new friends names of amy and linh >:]c

#UTAU #sawayama yuuto #bakuspecial #[comic tag pending] #I'll be drawing about just the beginning of this whole plot this time round. but boy oh boy if I were paid to serialize this!! #well even if I wont. I will hopefully get to chip away at it a bit at a time. over the next uhhhhh ten years #in another news. I think somethings up with the dip pens. about anything comes out looking good with them #its scary!! I kept looking at my sketches like no way these are gonna work out. but I'll do it for the practice hour #and then I do it and it always turns out pretty good. what the hells!!! thats weird!! thats kinda scary I like it!!! #and like I'm absolutely not even that good with a dip pen yet!! 1/Ive just had these for uhh. two days. and 2/my hands are NOT steady #its why u see me undo and redo a line 298473987 times twice a half hour. it was caught on stream multiple times #but!! the dip pen's making me commit to a line. and also I'm slowly internalizing that anything'd come out okay with them #as long as I have a sketch. boy oh boy is freehanding with these hard #its so. idk its so nice!! its so fun. somehow a lot less pressure than the usual stuff I do lol #I cant wait to really get into drawing this comic... I cant wait to force all of u to look at yuuto&co #you WILL see and hear my baby boy #dskjfhsjk Im so glad the senpai lets me do this. I mean even if he doesnt I will do it anyway. its just gonna suck #but Im so happy I get to do this with him actually #hehehe >:]c

[elegyofthemoon]

i feel like i need to go back and reread the earlier manga even though they were retconned within the timeline but i feel so bad for mei in chapter 15 :(

i think it was in st.freya high/escape from nagazora (which i know are ggz or honkai gakuen 2 manga but it was on the reading list so i read it anyways asdlkfah), but i think a lot about how she was so afraid of her powers as a herrscher, and how it was kiana that had saved her back then.

there's "will of the herrscher" where she finds out that kiana's the herrscher of the void, and in parallel with escape from nagazora, mei tries to save kiana, and calling out to kiana, she does manage to get kiana's consciousness back but loses it so quickly and soon enough loses kiana in the process

then finally over in arc city, when she thought she would be able to reunite with kiana and bring kiana back home -- even despite everything, even despite how much kiana feels like she doesn't deserve to go home -- she still isn't able to save kiana the way kiana had saved her several times now, and how powerless she must feel against durandal taking kiana away from her.

she just wants kiana back :( please reunite them...

#avil plays hi3 #i am hhhhh #i love you hi3 you have such good character development but also i am In Pain #raiden mei #tbh ! i havent thought much about mei #IN A LONG WHILE ACTUALLY im pretty sure the last coherent thought i had about her was back in ch 8 with the animation and the parallel ive #mentioned #but its so good.... i love it #side thing i cant listen to durandal in cn because when she talks my brain goes 'vENTI ?!?!?!?! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺VENTIIIII' #durandals cool though i like her as well (i like her wife but thats a different thing) #idc if this is coherent tbh i was just putting pieces together #i love kiamei T _ T they are good and they make me happy (i am in absolute Pain over them) #idk i think theres something very artistic about mei trying so hard to chase after the speeding light that is durandal #it feels very much the summary of mei trying to save kiana all this time #always always out of reach

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[skyburger]

"fnaf is the scariest game ever" "no its silent hill" "well i think its resident evil" everyone shut up!!!!!! youre all wrong. its actually zack & wiki quest for barbaros' treasure (on the nintendo wii) but only the level "keeper of the ice". that level scared me so bad as a kid and you can tell because its the only individual level i remember the name of off the top of my head. like there is nothing scarier than a) being chased and b) being on a time limit. and you know what this level has? BOTH OF THOSE. this level is still scary to me im like AHHHHH!!!! and then i die

#i had to google horror games after i thought really hard for silent hill and fnaf #because like. resident evil is just not a horror game in my mind... its just cool zombie game... #to be fair though. the only one i actually played a portion of was re6 which is probably the least scary one in the whole series #anyway do the kids still find silent hill and fnaf scary. i dont know. #well the former id say yes given how prevalent ps1 horror has been in recent years #fnaf i have no idea. im a massive wuss so its scary when i play it for myself #but watching someone else play them especially when i know them well isnt scary #and ive watched fnaf videos for YEARS #so i dont know. (old man voice) these damn kids... back in my day we watched markiplier scream at freddy fazbear and we LIKED it! #anyway its objectively a horror game and thata literally fine thats all i needed for this post #MY POINT HERE. my point here #IS THAT HIT ZACK AND WIKI LEVEL KEEPER OF THE ICE. IS SOOOOO SCARY #its not that scary but i see tjat level and im like 3 years old making my mom play this level for me again #and for the record yes me and my sister really did make our mom help us with z&w #she remembers helping us with frost breath the most because we like did notttttt get that one at all #and she could never remember how to do the mirrors based on what combination of stands is there (because tjeres like a few variations) #so she always had to look up a guide 😭😭 #my poor mother on fucking gamefaqs or something in like 2010... legends only #anyway if you have no idea what level im talking about (any of my oomfs reading this that isnt end) (hi end) PLEASE look up this level #and i need you to think of like a 5(?) year old making her mom play this game. #this aforementioned child is still a massive wuss as an adult btw. some things never change #anyway watch that level and think about how someone like me. whos already a scaredy cat! #imagine how someone like me felt at age 5 possibly younger playing this level #I WISH I COULD LIKE CONVEY EMOTIONS OVER TUMBLR. why cant i attach a .emotion file to this post #anyway ramble over <- hes said that like a million times today #scariest level in a game ever...!!!!! FUCK that keeper of the ice bitch im GLAD he died #muffin mumbles

[theygender]

I just found out that the majority of the music I used to listen to back in my "emo phase" was actually nu-metal. I don't know what to do with this information

#like i mean. i always knew it wasnt 'real' emo music #i had friends who listened to 'real' emo music and tried to get me into their bands and i just didnt like them as much #i definitely was emo in like outlook and stuff but i was just into harder stuff music-wise #i always thought of the music i listened to as alternative rock or hard rock tho. which like. it still IS #but apparently more specifically its nu-metal. like. pretty much every formative band that i listened to at the time #im having an identity crisis now smh. was i actually... a baby metalhead? #i didnt even get into any emo music until AFTER my 'emo phase' ended 😔 im a fraud #rambling #disclaimer: i am aware that the subcultures are more than just their music lol #im the one that has that nearly 100k subculture praxis alignment chart going around rn with the funny ska addition on it #ive just been learning more about which bands are technically what (sub)genre recently and this discovery was funny to me #(apologies to any Actual metalheads i may have offended #by jokingly referring to myself as a metalhead for accidentally listening to nu-metal bands during my emo phase) #(...and to any Actual emos i may have offended by accidentally listening to nu-metal bands during my 'emo' phase) #(go ahead and laugh me out of the mall/skate park 😔 i deserve it)

[hella1975]

choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her

#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me #and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front #always always bowl me over #like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time #like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that #when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair #but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard #so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment? #and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's #even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with #bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc #i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum #BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart #like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me #it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE #and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry #and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls #that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good #and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her #that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension #and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone #but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her #i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me #but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her #girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH #hella goes home

[lesbianlenas]

the thing is that i HATE orientation stuff so much like i hate having to do little activities i hate having to talk to random ppl around me i hate having to pretend like i care abt the school as some sort of identity like i do not care i am just here bc i want an education……& like fr and honestly i hate heterosexual ppl so much like i really do and i’m always surrounded by heterosexuals at these types of things and they never want to talk to me & i never want to talk to them so i just feel incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. like this happened to me in both high school & college and it will inevitably happen again. i am not made for this world on god……….

#michelle speaks #if i have to do a single ice breaker i will start ripping ppl apart w my teeth perhaps 🤪 #s2g my whole life it’s like i have had dyke written on my forehead & everyone is like oh it’s dyke girl let’s pretend she doesn’t exist #like i’m talking all the way back to when i was in prek where none of the other kids would talk to me 😭 #like bc of my rsd ive always had a VERY hard time initiating convos even back when i was very little #but it’s like that’s not normal for little kids to not approach another kid. like when i say NO ONE would talk to me in prek i mean fr #the only ones who talked to me were two boys who would make fun of me for sitting alone when we were in the play room #bc no one ever invited me to play w them & i was too anxious abt approaching anyone to ask to play #even tho i really wanted to…..like ppl literally just ignore me it’s BIZARRE!!!!! #it doesn’t bother me anymore really like idc actually i like have friends so idc if i make more or not #but there HAS to be smth abt me since i was a child that makes ppl like i’m mot going to talk to her. & i think it’s the lesbianism……. #ANYWAY. i hate orientation i don’t want to talk to anyone i don’t want to hear abt anything. bye.

[perilegs]

i’m making huge generalizations here but idk i feel so much more comfortable just existing around trans (and some gnc) people than i do with people who are cis (and gender conforming) bc of the way we view our - and other peoples bodies. i hear trans people talk about bodies with so much love and adoration. like sure hating your body is a big thing for most trans people but most of us also learn to accept what we look like. and the acceptance often turns to genuinely liking yourself. especially if you make changes you want to to your body. it’s just. idk i feel like only a trans person could see my body for what it is

#ive seen a lot of trans art recently and its all been so lovingly made and with clear adoration towards bodies that look like yours #idk im not very eloquent and theres a lot more nuance to this entire thing #but like. i personally love my body like yea i have parts im insecure about we all do but also i have been able to choose to do things to m #body that make me happy! and i dont just mean surgery and hrt bc thats not for anyone but also choosing to do whatever the hell i want to #with my hair and getting piercings and dressing in a way that feels good #i know being able to dress etc the way you want to is a privilege #and im so grateful for it #i can't believe there was a time when i wasnt allowed to cut my hair or wear boy clothes and i had to dress up as a girl #and got constantly reminded of being a failure of femininity etc. and now that i dont talk to my mom anymore im so free #i can exist in my body and i actually feel like my body is mine and not there just for show if that makes sense #like i look in the mirror and go that me! #and also like seeing myself like that has obviously made me appreciate others bodies as well #bc when you have for a long time always payed attention to the positives of a certain thing you start noticing positives more! #just like how idk going for a walk and finding 5 nice things you appreciate or looking #in the mirror and listing things you like about yourself #out loud. even if you feel uncomfortable #it helps #can you believe you're happier when you fall a bit in love with everything around you #there are so many wonderful things on this earth and you have to condition yourself to notice them and its hard work that never stops #but it is so worth it #i have lost the plot of my post #leevi talks #anyways i love how trans people love bodies

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here