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kiwi-astrology · 3 years

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Sun in the Composite Chart

The sun in a composite chart represents the ego of the connection. What is your guys goal together? Why does this connection exist?

->The composite chart works for all relationships (family members, platonic, romantic, work related, etc.). While there is potential with the energy, remember it is created mutually with time!

(ALSO! These are just my mere interpretations and observations as I have been researching/reading various com. charts of people I know!)

Aries: Aries sun in the composite chart is all about the thrill. This relationship exists because of the youthful energy you both possess when together. Your goal together is to seek fun and feel like a child again. I have noticed that this placement is found in a lot of younger siblings (with big families) or casual friends. This is a very lighthearted placement. There may be a tendency for the energy to burn out once the spontaneity ends.

Taurus: Taurus sun in the composite is all about comfort. This relationship exists to remind the parties to slow down and appreciate life. There is a very fond connection between the two, as well as mutual support. This tends to be a long lasting energy, even if people depart. These connections can become sensual as well.

Gemini: Gemini sun in the composite is all about friendship. This relationship exists because of the recognition each party has for the others quirkiness. Even in romantic relationships, this connection will be light and playful. There’s a lot of mental stimulation and exploration in these connections.

Cancer: Cancer sun in the composite is all about reassurance. This relationship exists so that both people know they have someone to protect them. There is a strong sense of comfort in cancer sun composites. The involved parties are very fond of each other and want to endlessly support each other.

Leo: Leo sun in the composite is all about the highest self. This relationship exists to boost the confidence of both individuals. With a Leo sun in the composite, the energy created is an illumination of the ego. Both people want to hype each other up and encourage growth. They want the best for each other.

Virgo: Virgo sun in the composite is all about lessons. This relationship exists to allow both parties to learn something new from each other. Ive noticed that there tends to be a comfortable distance between the two parties as they analyze each other. Nevertheless, they find the other intriguing and a topic worth exploring.

Libra: Libra sun in the composite is all about romance. This relationship exists to invite beauty and love into both parties lives. This is an ideal placement for romantic relationships, but it brings a sweetness to any connection. No matter what, both parties will always try to see the goodness in each other. They tend to be very flirty with their energy.

Scorpio: Scorpio sun in the composite is all about insight. This relationship exists to probe into the hidden areas of each other and heal. There is a raw vulnerability of Scorpio sun in the composite that brings comfort to the unknown. These people tend to share many secrets, but can sometimes keep things from each other on purpose. This occurs if one feels ‘taken advantaged’ of due to the inability to conceal darkness in these connections.

Sagittarius: Sagittarius sun in the composite is all about expansion. This relationship exists to remind the people of everything they overlook in their own life. The energy created appreciates the vibrancy of creation and new experiences. These people love to travel and try new things together. It’s an endless journey between the two.

Capricorn: Capricorn sun in the composite is all about ambition. This relationship exists to reach success and complete desired goals. These people create an energy of purpose that seeks to accomplish. This placement is very binding until both people feel that they have reached the desired goal. There are certain expectations in these relationships as they hold each other to a high standard.

Aquarius: Aquarius sun in the composite is all about acceptance. This relationship exists to express individuality and fully accept each other. There is a lot of zesty energy and the two may love to innovate/create together. There is rarely harsh judgement but rather encouragement to pursue grand visions.

Pisces: Pisces sun in the composite is all about healing. This relationship exists to ascend the parties into higher awareness. The people involved gain deeper understandings of themselves because of the other person. It’s like seeing right through any facade and nurturing the forgotten wounds. I have noticed, however, these relationships sometimes end with one person wronging or taking advantage of the other.

In the houses!

Composite sun in the first house deals with individuality. Appreciation for the others goals and egos is emphasized. Seldom do the parties attempt to change the other. This placement can sometimes indicate one person inspiring the other to create a stronger identity for themselves (if that makes sense lol).

Composite sun in the second house deals with security. There is a lot of power for one person to influence the other persons self-worth. The energy is steady and everlasting, as both people feel comfortable early on in the connection. The people involved can really raise (or hurt) each other’s self-esteem/confidence!

Composite sun in the third house deals with youth. Similar to Gemini sun in the composite, this placement is great for friendships. There’s a lot of communication and humor involved. These people don’t take each other seriously, but in the best way. I also find this placement indicates that the people involved begin to steal each other’s lingo/hobbies, it’s so cute.

Composite sun in the fourth house deals with family. This could indicate people that become apart of your family or who feel like family. Typically, these people care immensely for each other and the connection feels natural. The fourth house is the deepest part of life, so there is a chance to really open deep wounds (in a good or bad way).

Composite sun in the fifth house deals with creativity. The connections are great for working together on creative projects, or for creating fun memories. I’ve found that sometimes there’s comparison in the connection about clashing talents/egos. I’ve also found that the people appreciate the others talent. This placement reveals itself differently in all charts.

Composite sun in the sixth house deals with routine. It could be common for people to have composite sun in the sixth house to regularly see each other and work with each other. One thing I have noticed is a tendency for one person to put themselves above the other. It could also indicate one person helping another with mental or physical health.

Composite sun in the seventh house deals with lovers and enemies. This is such a powerful placement that manifests in such extreme ways. These people can almost feel like they’re supposed to be in a relationship. The people involved understand the others power and ultimately want to work with them or against them.

Composite sun in the eighth house deals with karma. There could be unexplainable reasons why you guys stay in a connection together, but you do nonetheless. This placement may indicate inheriting money from each other or feeling obligated to help one another. The people involved are probably fairly vulnerable with each other.

Composite sun in the ninth house deals with experience. The two will definitely learn a lot from each other, but especially through physical experiences! They will probably ask a lot of questions within the connection and have a goal of expanding their mind. A lot of teacher-student energy created. One person may try to get the other to do a lot of new things out of their comfort zone.

Composite sun in the tenth house deals with accomplishment. This placement is common in a lot of public/famous couples. Your guys connection will be hard to keep secret, and could involve a lot of other people. Being together may manifest an energy that boosts your own image or success. You guys may create a lot of grandiose goals together.

Composite sun in the eleventh house deals with awareness. This placement may bring many new thoughts or wishes into the pair’s life that they disregarded before. This is the one placement I couldn’t find a lot of physical examples for, which was interesting. However, expect growth with the energy of this connection and a newfound appreciation for humane and hopeful things.

Composite sun in the twelfth house deals with the subconscious. This is personally my favorite placement for the sun (in platonic & romantic relationships). A spiritual and everlasting bond ties the two together. This allows for intense healing and revaluations for both people involved. These two people tend to understand each other in a way others can’t, which is very powerful and intimidating. For the brightest planet that surrounds the ego to be placed in the darkest house that rejects ego is very symbolic and intriguing to me. This placement is definitely unforgettable. I’ve found that this placement in celebrity couples leads to a private relationship, but successful.

I hope these were insightful! I think using composite charts to see how certain relationships can work out (work, siblings, parents, friends, etc.) is really interesting! I’m not 100% good with this type of chart yet, but I have been doing a lot of research :)

#astrology #composite #composite chart #sun #sun in composite

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a-dragons-journal · 3 years

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i dont "kin for fun" but through tiktok i found out about the whole kin for fun vs actual otherkin... situation ig? im having a really hard time taking it seriously... maybe im just burnt out and bitter from dealing with the worlds current events, and maybe its because on tiktok the only people i saw mad about it were white people, but you're the most reasonable person ive seen talking about it (a lot of other posts have this odd tone that 12 year olds on tiktok saying kin is the worlds greatest opression and it weirds me out) so ig my question is just... why exactly does this matter? why does it matter enough to post about and care about and not just ignore? /gen

Hey! I don’t blame you for being a bit weirded out by it, we’re a weird subculture and we’re well aware of it! xD I appreciate you taking the time to actually look into it past your first knee-jerk reaction, especially considering burnout and the state of things.

I’m not totally sure if you’re asking why otherkinity matters or why the “kin for fun” being wrong matters, so I’ll answer both - they’re pretty well tied together anyway.

The short version:

Otherkinity is an identity. It’s who we are, we can’t choose to pick it up or put it down, and it comes with struggles - though no, ‘kin are not systematically oppressed (though we are pretty badly bullied and, at this point, pushed out of our own words and spaces).

What people calling roleplay/relating to/projecting onto characters “kinning for fun” does is steal our words, make them meaningless, and in doing so, make it difficult or impossible for us to find each other. If someone says “I kin [x],” I no longer know whether they mean “I am [x] on an intrinsic level” or “haha I relate to this character a lot”. I no longer know whether they actually share my experiences or if they’re going to turn on me and call me “crazy” as soon as they realize I’m not exaggerating or joking or roleplaying. It’s done massive harm to the community as a whole because it’s become difficult to tell whether someone is actually ‘kin or if they’ve misunderstood the whole thing - and because antikin rhetoric, which I’m seeing more and more in KFF spaces, hurts far more when it’s coming from inside what you thought was a community space than when it’s coming from self-labeled “antikin.”

There are other words for roleplaying and relating to and projecting onto characters. Hell, there are words for strongly identifying with-but-not-as characters/things, though usually KFF people don’t even seem serious enough for those to fit in my experience. I’m really not sure why these people are so determined to steal and misuse our words, words that were specifically created to mean something else, when they already have their own and are just refusing to use them. (Or, hell, if you don’t feel like those fit, make your own. We did. It’s your turn to put in the work. (General you, not you-the-anon, of course.))

An analogy, if that still doesn’t quite land for you:

Consider, for a moment, the transgender community. I am aware this is a dangerous thing to say, but bear with me. Obvious CW for hypothetical transphobia up ahead is obvious.

Consider if you were part of the trans community (I don’t know if you are or not), having finally found a word to explain why you feel the way you do about yourself, why your experiences don’t seem to match up with those of everyone else around you. Having found a community, a home, full of other people like you, people you never would have met if not for words like “transgender” and “gender dysphoria/euphoria” that were created specifically to describe your experiences.

Now consider if people suddenly stumbled across your community for the first time who were not trans themselves. They see community jokes and lighthearted posts out of context, because Tumblr and Twitter aren’t exactly conducive to making sure people find the Transgender 101 information posts first. They don’t bother to do further research, assuming they understand: ah, these people like to crossdress! They like to pretend they’re a different gender! This seems like a fun hobby, I want in!

They begin to post things like this. They post photos of them crossdressing and caption them “hi, I’m [name], and I trans men!” and things of the like. Suddenly the concept of “transing for fun” seems to be everywhere - and it’s not at all what being trans actually is, but these people either don’t know or don’t care. When actual trans people try to politely correct them, they’re accused of “gatekeeping” - and to be clear, this is not “nonbinary people aren’t real,” it’s “transgender means you identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, and you’re self-identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% and telling us this is just a fun hobby for you, therefore you’re not trans, you’re crossdressing or doing drag or being GNC. That’s fine, but it’s not being trans - you have other words to describe that, use those.”

(Yes, I am aware these things have a history with the trans community - please just ignore that for the sake of the analogy and bear with me on the slightly simplified version of this. “Kinning for fun” does not have that same history with the otherkin community.)

...And then the response to those attempted corrections, in some corners, turns into “wait, you ACTUALLY think you’re another gender? idk that sounds pretty unhealthy, maybe you should see a psychologist or something :\” and “you’re taking this too seriously.”

I imagine, in this hypothetical scenario, you’d also be pretty fuckin peeved.

(Obviously, in this hypothetical scenario, systematic transphobia would be an issue as well, which isn’t the case for otherkin - again, you’re gonna have to bear with me on the simplification for sake of analogy there.)

(EDIT: this is not an anti-MOGAI/exclusionist argument, this is “you’re literally telling me you don’t fit the definition,” explanation on that here)

The long version, which is probably still worth reading if you have the time and energy:

Otherkinity is... pretty core to who I am, who we as a group of individuals are. We live with being otherkin on a daily basis. Many of us spent a long time feeling different and disconnected and not understanding why until we found the otherkin community. Even people like me, who don’t share that experience and still had social connection - I’ve still had to live with weird differences that I had to learn to mask when necessary; instincts that don’t line up with human society well, feeling body parts that weren’t there and that no one else ever seemed to have, things that other kids grew out of because it was just make-believe for them and I... didn’t, because it was never make-believe for me to begin with. Oh, sure, I played make-believe too - I played warrior cats and house and all those things with the other kids, but there were things that weren’t play-pretend for me too. I didn’t have an explanation for it for a long time - it was just how I was, I was weird, and fortunately for me personally I was okay with that (many of those with species dysphoria or more trouble connecting with humans have more problems from that than I did).

And then I found the word “otherkin.” And suddenly everything fell into place, and I had an explanation for the things I’d been experiencing, and there were other people like me. Something I’d assumed didn’t exist. I found others who shared my unique experiences, who were talking about how to cope with the instinct to growl or snap jaws at people instead of expressing annoyance in a human way instead of just saying “that’s weird, don’t do that”, who were talking about dealing with phantom wings and tails, who understood me. I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t broken, I was exactly what one would expect from a dragon living in human skin. I found an explanation for myself. I found a home.

That is why otherkinity matters - it is who we are, it’s not something we can walk away from (certainly not most of us, anyway), and it’s something many of us need the support of the community to help deal with on a daily basis. Being a nonhuman in human society isn’t always easy, but it’s not something we can just magically stop being - it’s core to who we are, we (generally) didn’t choose to be this way, and we (generally) can’t choose to stop. Which is fine - the vast majority of us can cope with it just fine, with a little advice and help and space to be our authentic selves in. We found each other, we built this community from the ground up to make a space and words to make finding each other easier - or possible at all.

Thus we come to the second half of our story.

It was only a couple of years ago that the “kin for fun” trend started getting big. It had existed before that, of course, but it only started going mainstream two, maybe three years ago, from what I can tell. Suddenly people were treating “kin” like it meant relating to, projecting onto, roleplaying as, or just really really liking a character or thing - not being that thing, which is what it actually means. Not long after that, it became hard to tell whether someone saying “I kin this” meant they were that thing, that they were actually part of our community - or that they really really liked that thing and either didn’t know or couldn’t be bothered to learn that that wasn’t the case for us.

Not long after that, it became relatively commonplace to hear phrases like “otherkin are ruining kinning!!” and “you’re taking this too seriously” and “idk, if it’s that serious for you that sounds unhealthy. maybe you should get some help :\” (all directly quoted, or as exactly quoted as I can remember, from things KFF people have said to me or people I know).

It is a special kind of hell, I think, to be told “you’re taking this too seriously, that’s unhealthy” by people who are taking words created to describe your experiences, not theirs, and misusing them to mean something that you do for fun on a weekend instead of something that’s intrinsic to your being.

Perhaps more importantly, like I’ve said, it’s making it almost impossible to know whether someone who says “I kin [x]” is actually ‘kin or if they’re misusing our words to mean something else entirely. The entire point of words is to communicate ideas, and once you start misusing words to mean something totally different than what they actually mean, that communication falls apart and suddenly we might as well not have those words at all. Especially when the community is small enough and obscure enough that we’re starting to be outnumbered by the misinformation. We’re being run out of our own words, words we created to describe our experiences specifically - because we’re a small community that the wider internet can easily drown out by sheer numbers of people who either don’t know any better or don’t care to learn.

That’s the harm it does - the harm it is doing, right now. That’s why it’s important enough to post about. That’s why it matters - because we’re fighting desperately to hang onto our own words so that others like us can actually find us. Because we’re seeing young nonhumans go “this isn’t a kin, I actually am this” and screaming “No, I’m so sorry that this is what the misinformation has done to you, that’s exactly what otherkin means, you have a place here, please don’t let these non-’kin misusing our words drive you away from the very community you’re looking for and that you belong in.” Because we can’t even communicate effectively about our own experiences anymore except in semi-closed spaces like Discord servers and forums (and the number of Discord servers overrun with KFF people is absurd).

......This got very long. Hopefully it at least explained why it matters so much to me and others a bit better ^^; Thanks for hearing me out, and thank you again for looking into this beyond your initial knee-jerk reaction - I really do appreciate it.

(For further reading, if that text wall didn’t blow you out of the water completely, I recommend my “kin for fun” tag, which has more posts like this in both short and long form.)

#probably should've put this under a cut but oh well #otherkin #kin for fun #kinnie #kinning #rani talks #asked and answered #anonymous #rani talks A LOT apparently sbfldkngjlksdf #i have a lot of feelings on this #long post

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quarterfromcanon · 4 years

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27-29 for the get to know my favorites game

Hello, lovely! Thank you for these. :) Trios turned out to be a surprising challenge (I apparently have more favorite groups of four than three), but I’m pretty happy with the ones I remembered after giving it some thought. The final picks are under the cut! <3

Top 5 BROTPs

1. Paula Proctor & Rebecca Bunch (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) - Naturally, this was the immediate choice that sprang to mind. It’s the first relationship on the show I really fell in love with, and it’s the one friendship in the series that consistently tugs on my heartstrings. It’s flawed, complicated, and messy but the genuine connection underneath it all is strong enough that I’m hopeful they can work through their problems. I would’ve preferred to see more emphasis on that effort in the fourth season (and a lot more work on Rebecca’s friendships with Heather and Valencia as well), but I want to believe things improved between them after the finale.

2. Steve Harrington & Robin Buckley (Stranger Things) - The general public opinion of Steve Harrington has been on such a journey since Season 1, bringing him now to a status of common fan favorite. As such, I think a delicate balance needed to be struck in finding a suitable match to team up with him on adventures. This person needed to:

A) Have good chemistry in their interactions with Steve

B) Bring a new dynamic to the table that he didn’t already have with an existing connection

and most importantly

C) Be a unique and engaging character that the audience would care about individually, so they didn’t get lost in simply being an offshoot of Steve’s story. They couldn’t be relegated to perpetual sidekick with little else to define them.

As far as I’m concerned, Robin Buckley fits the bill on every account. She’s artistic, resilient, loyal, and - especially endearing to me - a movie buff. She has a quick wit, a sharp mind, and a big heart. Being friends with Robin helps Steve take the specter of his high school self less seriously so he can put it behind him, and she helps him more fully embrace the person he’s becoming in the wake of that lost status. Having Steve for a friend helps Robin resolve some lingering emotional scars from school as well. It gives her an opportunity to share her authentic self with a peer and - to her relief and ours - find acceptance after revealing a pretty important secret. I can’t wait to watch the two of them be adorably nerdy and goofy bros at Family Video in Season 4, presumably with some daring fights against dark forces when they’re off the clock. Does saying I hope Kali comes to Hawkins somehow and bonds with one or both of them mean I can speak that into existence? I’m doing that now. It’s worth a try. If it happens in some capacity when the time comes, know that I will throw a One Blogger Party of epic proportions.

3. Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught (Wynonna Earp) - I had to use this specific screencap because it perfectly encapsulates the chaotic energy that makes me loves these two together so much. Their separate approaches to their shared work environment are at pretty much polar opposite ends of the spectrum, but they make a pretty solid team when they play to each other’s strengths and communicate. They also both love Waverly most of all, so it feels like they were bound to work out their differences eventually since neither would want to make her feel torn between her sister and her girlfriend. The hijinks they get up to in each other’s company are just top shelf. I look forward to at least a little bit of fun like that from every season. If I wind up having a lasting partner later on down the road, it’d be cool if their personality balanced well with my sister’s on this level. I’d also be really happy if I ultimately gelled with her person in a way that sounded unlikely at first but worked. Fingers crossed for both outcomes, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

4. Emily Thorne [Amanda Clarke] & Nolan Ross (Revenge) - I have two things to quickly clarify for those who are unfamiliar with this show.

#1 She has two listed names because she was born Amanda Clarke but goes by Emily Thorne for most of the series to hide her true identity.

#2 Despite the impression this picture may give, Nolan is not marrying Emily; he is simply walking her down the aisle.

These two are there for each other through so much - the looming threat of discovery, jail time, capture, near death experiences, heartbreak, the passing of loved ones, etc. - and they make it to the other side with a deep bond the likes of which they’ll never experience with another person. It is at times heavily one-sided because of how much drama Emily deliberately dives into, but it’s something that she tries to make up for during her more self-aware and less self-involved times. There’s genuine love and mutual respect there by the finale and it’s really gratifying to witness the journey they’ve taken together.

[~Slightly spoiler-y closing statement after these brackets~] I was pretty sure I knew where the show was going with romantic ships by the end. I knew for certain it wasn’t my personal OTP for her because they’d already killed that person off quite some time ago. There was a part of me that could’ve found some contentment in leaving the story with these two as a couple. After all, one of my favorite ship dynamics is Reluctant Acquaintances to Best Friends to Lovers, but it was not to be. That being said, the platonic friendship they shared was a big part of the heart of the show and I cherish it for that. Nolan was a rare exception for Emily, a genuine bond formed in the years when she was tried to operate like her heart was made of stone. I also think working with Emily gave Nolan a sense of purpose and let him flourish in his area of expertise. I’m not sure how either of them would feel about the musical reference but, to slightly paraphrase from Wicked: because they knew each other, they have been changed for good.

5. Penelope Stamp & Bang Bang (The Brothers Bloom) - I have seen Rachel Weisz and Rinko Kikuchi in more roles since this movie than I had prior to watching it for the first time so, if anything, my fangirling over this friendship has gotten worse rather than more manageable. x) This post classified the film under the subgenre whimsical noir. It turns out that’s a style I instantly adore every time I stumble upon it. One of the titular brothers, Stephen, lives so deeply immersed in the variations of the world he writes for their heists that even those closest to him are essentially characters he can interact with on a daily basis. His feelings for them as people can get very muddled with his feelings for them as interesting OCs to move through narratives. A big trouble with this is that his living archetypes can often get reduced to clichés. He’s not always mindful of their nuances or allowing for the full range of their autonomy. Penelope is selected by Stephen to serve as the “manic pixie dream girl” who will be his brother Bloom’s forever love and Bang Bang is essentially presented as a “dragon lady” stereotype. I haven’t done a rewatch in years so I may be giving the movie too much credit here, but I remember this choice feeling at least semi-deliberate. It could be interpreted as a way to illustrate how Stephen warps real life to fit his vision. At least, I can definitely remember scenes that felt like they debunked the one-note assessments of these two. What I genuinely love, though, are the little moments when Penelope and Bang Bang are able to just spend time together with little to no interference from Stephen or Bloom. They share their hobbies and teach each other new skills. It feels like they truly perceive one another as whole human beings on a level that neither guy is capable of doing since they’re both so immersed in the drama of the plot. When the women are with each other, they get to be more than an extension of the men who maneuver them; they get to be themselves. Penelope is the only one Bang Bang clearly wants to maintain contact with once the heist is finished. I think that says a lot. Honestly, this is another BROTP that could slide to OTP. If someone wrote fic of them completely severing ties with the brothers and going off on their own - romantically or platonically - I wouldn’t be upset at all.

Top 5 Trios

1. Luke, Leia, & Han (Star Wars Episodes IV - VI) - Oh dear, I’m overwhelmed just looking at a picture of them together. Star Wars has been a part of my life since childhood. Getting to watch the original trilogy felt like a rite of passage (when I was really little, Mom used to find things for us to do outside the room while Dad watched because she was afraid some of it might scare me). Princess Leia resounded with me on a level that almost no other fictional royalty has ever quite matched. Han’s wardrobe is still some serious #aestheticgoals and I would 100% wear replicas of his jackets and vests if I had them. I also remember thinking that Luke’s new look in Return of the Jedi was SO COOL with the all-black wardrobe and green lightsaber. Wow, imagine that, an edgy costume change that shared vibes with the common Disney villain color palette called to me as a baby fan of antagonists and antiheroes! Who ever could have foreseen that sudden spike in appreciation? :P Anyway, one of my lingering sorrows about the more recent trilogy is that we never got to see all three of them as aged adults in each other’s company. I still wanted our new cast to get their time to shine, of course, but I do lament the absence of at least one little trio reunion.

2. Luna, Neville, & Ginny (Harry Potter series) - The Silver Trio, pictured here with the first set of three that comes to mind when thinking about the books and movies. I do still love Harry, Ron, and Hermione, but I’ve found a growing appreciation for this other team-up over the years. They’ve been through a lot too, even if they are not always present where the main action is. Bullying, loss of parents, manipulation of the mind and body, abuse at the hands of authority figures - they’re all left with internal (and probably external) scars to bear. There’s also something to be said for how strong they all were in the school year set during Deathly Hallows, when the Golden Trio wasn’t around to inspire and unite those who wanted to stand up to ever-increasing tyranny. It can be easy, unfortunately, for them to get written off based on the oversimplified stereotypes that have gotten associated with them. People remember Luna as being weird and spacey, Neville as awkward and hapless, and Ginny as bland and lovestruck. They’re all far more nuanced than that, and they accomplish great things while fighting for and beside their friends. I’m planning on doing a re-read of the books at some point, and I really look forward to revisiting these brave kids.

3. Irma, Marion, & Miranda (Picnic at Hanging Rock) - Ah, yes, my very recently discovered darlings. I have many thoughts about them all. I’ll try to keep this as condensed as I can while still making sense. Some spoilers will follow, although those won’t answer every question the story poses. There are audience members who ship the above characters as a throuple, which I totally get, but for me it’s like soulmates of a different kind. These three have met at a point in their lives when they all burn with compatible intensity. They long for the same dream version of youth, for a way to begin life free from the confines of a world that won’t accept all their hearts contain. While the people that surround them may not be willing to bend the rules, nature itself appears to show them mercy. How often do we see a story of girls who just... love other women so much that a sacred location goes, “Y’know what? I’m gonna help you escape your restrictive society. Permanently.” This miniseries definitely depicts the setting as being involved in messing with the investigation, as a mystical place that befuddles unwanted intruders. I love the way these three fortify each other in times of pain and fear, and there’s something deeply moving about how standing side-by-side helps them defy the odds.

4. Sarah, Alison, & Cosima (Orphan Black) - Okay so, technically, when I picture our core team in this show, the net is a little wider. My mind tends to also include Felix, Mrs. S., Kira, Helena, Donnie, Delphine, and Scott. However, I think you could kinda argue that those characters have a stronger connection to one of the above three than they do to the other two. Thus, this ends up being the central triangle. They’re all such solid performances and the fact they’re all played by the same person is incredibly impressive (not to mention the, like, twelve other clones Tatiana brings to life throughout the series). Watching them go from tense strangers to sestras was wonderful. I’m glad they had each other through the increasingly complicated web of lies and schemes they had to unravel and survive.

5. Galavant, Sid, & Isabella (Galavant) - Remember how James Marsden was in Enchanted? If you dialed down the deliberately cartoonish quality of that performance and allowed for more not-so-G-rated humor, I feel like you’d have a general sense of what Galavant is like as a character. Sid is his squire and Isabella is a princess whose mission happens to combine with Galavant’s, albeit fueled by different driving motivations. They find themselves involved in a lot of shenanigans because of Galavant - even in his own universe, he’s into the whole dashing knight thing more than is strictly necessary - but they make a fun little team to follow through the world of this musical television series. I’ve gotten fuzzy on the details since I watched it air live four years ago, but I remember the series being enough of a summer feel-good time that I’d be game to revisit the show again someday.

Top 5 Family Relationships

1. Stevie Budd & The Roses (Schitt’s Creek) - The whole fish-out-of-water setup for this series was already pretty fun in and of itself, especially given how outlandish their lifestyles evidently were before the show begins. The thing that makes it special, though, is how the absence of all their expensive distractions finally helps them prioritize being a family. The Roses do a lot of work to reconcile who they were with who they find themselves becoming in the present. It’s sweet to see them collectively conclude that growing closer to each other is one of the few things they do not regret in the slightest. They also silently agree to adopt Stevie along the way and, boy, does that give me a lot of Big Feelings, particularly in the later seasons.

2. River Song & The Ponds (Doctor Who) - I think it’s been like seven years or so, give or take, since I watched Doctor Who with any regularity. These three have resurfaced in my mind many times since then. They all love with such fierce and unwavering devotion, spanning lifetimes. It’s fascinating - and often heartbreaking - to learn about the things they’ve experienced and endured. Oh gosh, and once the show reveals how River’s story overlaps with theirs, and you pay attention to how she looks at them, IT HURTS but it’s so engaging to watch. The emotions are all flooding back just remembering them now. Argh, what great characters... </3

3. The Tico Sisters (Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi) - Rose appears in two installments of the third trilogy, but this is the episode that has both Tico daughters. We never get to see them interact onscreen in the film, but I still feel the bond between these sisters so intensely. I found out later that Kelly was present for the filming of Paige’s death scene (which happens so early in the movie that it doesn’t feel like a big spoiler - please forgive me if it is). I’m glad that was something they decided to do behind-the-scenes, because it definitely informs Rose’s grief. She’s sitting in the dark, picturing her big sister’s final moments with such horribly vivid detail that it feels like she was there, and yet she can’t do anything to change how it ends. The shape of the sisters’ necklaces immediately establishes that they were a unit even when acting independently, that they felt like two halves of a whole - all they had left of their family. Now there is only one, and that fact is a weight around Rose’s neck both figuratively and literally. It serves as a visual reminder of how she carries Paige’s absence always, trying to discover and embrace who she is on her own while still honoring the memory of a relative she loved so deeply. I think she reaches the end of Episode VIII feeling like she’s someone of whom her sister would be quite proud. I’m very proud of her, too.

4. The Tyler Siblings (Wonderfalls) - Jaye is comically different than the rest of her family, and the show establishes that right out the gate when we learn that she’s the only one whose name doesn’t rhyme with the rest (left to right, the others are Karen, Sharon, Darrin, and Aaron, respectively). Her relationships with her parents could certainly lead me off on some analytical tangents but, predictably, it’s the sibling stuff that interests me more. I think it could be said that all three do more living inside their heads than they do out in the world, and that they’ve all grown up to be borderline loners (Ironically Jaye, who is considered the most troubled, is the only one I remember being shown to have formed and maintained a friendship). Aaron’s a very philosophical and analytical person, so you get the sense he talks to himself more than to others, although he still manages to resurface from those deep contemplations so he can goad and tease his sisters from time to time. Sharon is high-strung, competitive, and brings that “disaster lesbian” energy to basically every social interaction she has. Jaye’s standoffishness seems to stem from both the difficulty of fitting in with people and the fear that connections will fall apart once they manage to form at all. They’re all just messes trying to make the best out of the situations they face, and I appreciate that. I also enjoy how prominently the Jaye and Sharon sister bond features throughout the show’s only season. It starts out on pretty rocky ground, but they grow a lot in regard to how willing they are to communicate and express their love for one another.

5. The Brothers Proctor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) - The family dynamics in their house are in need of some serious work, without a doubt. I’m just really touched by how close these two have become without Paula’s notice. It’s possible they always were, in that we-fight-but-we-care way that siblings can often be, but the supportive side of that really moves to the forefront as they get older in the series and it warms my heart. There’s such a glaring difference between The Household As Paula Views It and Things That Are Happening While She’s Not Paying Attention. I can’t help using fic as a way to explore that. I happily find excuses for her sons to make pop-in appearances, just to check up on them. I'm so pleased that, as of Season 4, they seem to have become fairly well-adjusted in spite of everything. Oh, and I am still not over the revelation that they attend renaissance festivals together, in character, for fun. What precious cuties who would no doubt dislike me referring to them as such! Paula, please give them an extra hug from me!

#About Me #Answered Asks

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vegannaise · 4 years

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boys deserve love

i started realizing around 16 that i wasn’t cis. i flipflopped back and forth between different nonbinary identities, occasionally wondering (in private) if i was just simply a boy. i was already out as gay, and people already regarded me as a “tomboy”, so that helped alleviate some of my teenage discomfort.

I didn’t date a lot in highschool, partially because i was incredibly intimated by girls, partially because boys didnt pay too much romantic attention to me, and probably a little bit because i had 0 interest in sex all throughout my teenage years.

when i was 17 i had my first “serious” relationship. it was with a boy that coerced me into hooking up with him while i was nearly black out drunk (wow,, what a catch right???!!! thats a whole different story). as sad as this is, i finally felt like my existence was valid. i felt like i had finally achieved this unspoken goal of having someone love me in a romantic way, having someone find me desirable. i was happy for the first time in years.

of course, i was still trans and in the closet during all of this. one night, i was completely swallowed by my dysphoria. i was either on the floor or in front of the mirror crying because of how my body looked. i even ended up giving myself a stick n poke to avoid self harming. Mason (boy in question) was texting me throughout this, i think i had told him i wasn’t feeling good, but i didn’t want to tell him why. he eventually pressured me into telling him what was wrong, and i told him “i dont like my body. i want my body to be a different body. i want to have a BOYS body”.

for just a second, i pictured myself years in the future with a flat chest and stubble and a deep voice, my arms around Mason, who still loved me even though he was “straight” and i had transitioned.

sadly, this fantasy was violently ripped away as soon as i came back to reality. Mason had responded with clear discomfort, saying he wasn’t gay. i told him i knew he wasn’t gay, but wouldn’t he still love me for me??? i would still be the same person, so wouldn’t he still love me????? to which he prompty responded, firmly and bluntly, that if i were to transition and call myself a boy, he would break up with me.

this experience made me go back into the closet for 2 years.

fast forward to when i was 19, i was in a relationship with a transguy. since i grew up in a tiny homophobic town i was never able to date another trans person, and most likely put this person (lets call them...... Pickle) on a big ol’ pedestal because of that. Pickle had been out as trans for almost 5 years, and had been on T almost just as long. they were the first person to tell me that nonbinary people can be trans. they were the first person to actually make me feel seen and valid as not only a trans person, but as a boy.

i ended up coming out to them, in tears, as a transguy. i still felt really confused, i was a boy but didnt really feel connecting to masculinity. i wanted nothing more than to be a pretty boy but recoiled at seeing myself as a Man™. even though that relationship was incredibly toxic, Pickle supported me unconditionally through getting on hormones, they even bought me a new binder. they were the support i had desperately needed.

we had been dating for 8 months when i left town for a few days. something seemed off when i would text them, it felt like something was wrong, but they werent telling me what. Pickle was staying with me at the time, so i saw them as soon as i came back. they said they had something to tell me.

they told me that while i was out of town, they had had a major identity crisis, and realized that she was actually a butch lesbian. of course, i gave her a giant hug, i told her i loved her and that i was so happy she had figured this out about herself. thats when she started talking about us.

she told me that since she was a lesbian and i was a boy, we had to break up; as if this shouldve been obvious to me...... it wasn’t. as she sat there telling me things like “i still love you” and “and i wish things could be different” we both cried. a lot. i still couldnt wrap my head around what was happening. here she was, telling me she wishes things were different so we can be together, why couldnt we just be together as is??? if you want to be with someone, why does it matter if they’re a boy or a girl??? especially when you’ve already been together for 8 months??? it felt like it had a lot more to do with other peoples perceptions of us, it wasn’t because i was a boy, it was because she didnt think she’d be seen as a lesbian dating a genderqueer boy.

the next day i confronted her about this. i was so confused, i had given myself a headache and multiple panic attacks trying to figure out what the fuck i was feeling. she told me that she felt like we should break up anyway, that her realizing shes a lesbian was just “the final nail in the coffin”. i found myself even more hurt and confused than before. id told Pickle all about Mason, how i went back in the closet because i was scared of him leaving me. i told her about all the shame i had accumulated over the course of my relationship with Mason. despite her knowing all this, she still decided to scapegoat our own identities, rather than just own up to the fact that our relationship was falling apart already.

this experience made me question my entire identity, the identity i had JUST started feeling valid in. this experience made me eventually stop taking hormones. this experience made me feel more invaild and undesirable than ever before.

during this time, i started to also ID myself as a (nonbinary) lesbian. i had felt my attraction to men dwindle, and i was grappling with my attraction to women. but more than anything else, i convinced myself that being a boy = being hated. looking “like a boy” = being ugly and undesirable. not only did this feed into terf rhetoric, but its a result of being told my whole life that my worth is directly tied to my level of attractiveness, and that no one would find me attractive if i looked the way i wanted to.

it felt so much easier to stay how i was. all i wanted was to be seen as queer, and since people already read me as a lesbian, i might as well just settle for that, right? at least people would get it. at least people would see me.

i’m 22 now, and ive really only just started to deconstruct these things and unlearn my internalized transphobia and self hatred. about 6 months ago i started calling myself a boy and using he/him pronouns again, and for once i actually feel safe. for once i actually have a good support network. for once i actually feel seen. for once i actually feel loved.

to anyone who actually bothered to read this all the way through: healing is not linear and our identities sure as shit arent. if you’re in the closet right now, or if you’re questioning your gender/sexuality for the first or fifth or tenth time: i see you. i love you. you are so valid in your fear and confusion. the world still actively hates LGBT people, and that internalized fear is so real and deserves to be acknowledged, but please believe me when i say that there ARE people out there who hold the deepest love, appreciation, and camaraderie for you, even if you dont know them yet. your existence as an LGBT person in this world is inherently radical, please don’t ever forget that.

#oh GOD it took me almost 3 hours to write this kill me #vent #soapbox #long post

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arcane-sync · 6 years

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Sander Sides and Dissociative Identity Disorder

This is a topic that wanders in and out of the sphere of focus amongst the Thomas Sanders and Sanders Sides fandoms (the Fanders). I feel inclined to give our input as well as a thorough explanation, because I’m long winded like that.

For the purposes of credibility and clarity, we are officially and unofficially diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (which used to be called multiple personality disorder). By this, I mean more than one therapist and a psychiatric nurse have told us it’s highly likely we have this disorder. However, our various institutions of mental treatment do not provide the primary diagnostic tools used to diagnose DID. We are having a hard time finding someone who can administer either the Structured Clinical Interview for Dissociative Disorders (the SCID-D) for either the DSM IV or the DSM V, or the Multidimensional Inventory for Dissociation (the MID) who also accepts our insurance. So according to medical professionals, we’re diagnosed. However, there are people in the community who will say you can’t be diagnosed without one of those two tools. My sibling is also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Since I plan on tagging multiple tags outside of the Fanders, I will very briefly summarize Sanders Sides. This is a youtube series starring a singlet by the name of Thomas (Thomas Sanders being the owner of the channel and actor, but he has made it clear that the Thomas in the series is a character and not himself). In it, he talks to different “sides” of his personality, exploring all sorts of issues while doing so. These sides are logic, creativity and morality with a fourth side of anxiety being added later (for those in the fandom, I know I’m leaving information out. Shhhhh. I am specifically doing so in case anyone outside the Fanders decides to go watch it). Later on, these four sides reveal their names of Logan, Roman, Patton and Virgil respectively. For those amongst multiplicity cultures, you should already be able to see why this might cause controversy.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is an extreme on a spectrum of multiplicity. For the purposes of this discussion, let’s give a quick run down of the typical names and types of multiplicity across this spectrum. (Using gender neutral pronouns because I cannot be bothered to type himself/herself/themself repeatedly)

1. Singleton

This is the average individual you will run into. This type of person is whole in and of themselves. They might have different ways of behaving with friends versus family versus work versus alone, but that is typically accepted behavior for a singleton.

2. Median System

This is someone who’s behavior implies more than one person. They may or may not consciously recognize this vague division with themselves, or they might have consciously or unconsciously created more extreme modalities of behaving for the purposes of getting things done. They are neither singlet nor multiple.

3. Tulpamancy

Originally a monk practice, this is when someone consciously personifies different aspects themselves. This can be either to sharpen skills or to learn about themself. An example would be someone who pushes their sadness into a box and talks to it in an attempt to understand their sadness. Eventually, this box is supposed to evolve into an independent being inside their head. Once fully developed, they are officially called a Tulpa, thus tulpamancy being the practice of creating them. They may or may not have a name or gender. They are neither singlet nor multiple.

4. Borderline Personality Disorder

I hesitantly place this on this list, but I feel it’s worth discussing for the purposes of this discussion. On the spectrum, BPD could arguably be placed anywhere on the spectrum below OSDD. There are 9 symptoms to diagnose this illness, and there are entire books written on it. I am not going to dig into that here, but suffice it to say that BPD could be argued to be on this spectrum. This is someone who is characterized by a distinct instability of self. They may or may not go by multiple names, but what defines them as a person swings wildly around. They feel or act unstable. They might change behavior, clothing style, or friend groups rapidly. This is a MENTAL ILLNESS and not something to be pursued. If you think you might have BPD, please seek professional help. They are typically considered an extremely unstable singlet or perhaps median at most. However, it is not uncommon for someone with BPD to pursue tulpamancy to help understand themselves or become an endogenic system to help define their unstable state of being. (However, if this person developed BPD as a result of trauma, they could arguably be placed within the traumagenic area of this spectrum)

5. Endogenic System

This is a broad term. Technically speaking, an endogenic system is strictly a system that came to exist naturally (essentially, trauma did not cause their identity split). As a result, this could include Median, Tulpamancy, BPD splitting their different ways of behaving to understand themself, or anything and everything in between. Some claim they just grew up this way. Due to the broad nature of the definition of endogenic, there is a lot of controversy surrounding it. I’ll touch a bit on that controversy later. Within endogenic culture, they are considered multiple.

6. Quiogenic System

This is a system who has no idea why they’re multiple. They don’t know if they’re traumagenic or endogenic, if its caused by childhood trauma, if they grew up this way, if they accidentally created their multiplicity, or any combination of the above. They might be singleton, they might be endogenic, or they might be traumagenic (Worth noting is a lot of traumagenic systems are amnesiac of their trauma. Something could have traumatically happened, but they have no recollection of what happened. Some are even amnesiac of their own amnesia. Meaning, they don’t know what memories they don’t know, and/or they don’t even realize they’re missing significant portions of their life where trauma occurred. This naturally causes a lot of concern and confusion). If you don’t know why you’re multiple, you deserve professional psychiatric help if it is something you struggle with.

7. Imitative Dissociative Identity Disorder

This is where we lean into the multiplicity debate heavily. Imitative DID is not an officially DSM recognized illness (DSM stands for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and is the accepted standard for diagnosing mental illnesses). However, it is gaining recognition within professional psychiatric fields and multiple articles have been written on it. This is someone who either deliberately or unconsciously created their multiplicity. Believers in Imitative DID would argue everything discussed thus far would be Imitative. You can easily see how this causes strife, as this essentially states anyone who isn’t traumagenic is making up their multiplicity for whatever reason. Since multiplicity is so closely tied to how someone understands themself or themselves, this is like a slap to the face. It is not uncommon for traumagenic systems to call anyone else fake and incapable of understanding true multiplicity. Which traumagenic multiplicity comes with a LOT of problems that makes life terribly difficult or hellish. They get angry because they feel like endogenic systems are encroaching on their clinical terminology and stealing/redefining it. This in turn is considered to be devaluing their mental illness and struggles, ruining the official credibility of a set of illnesses that is already extremely stigmatized culturally and professionally. They also feel like endogenics are stealing/overwhelming/corrupting their admittedly few areas of clinical support. Knowing all this, it should be pretty obvious why there’s so much controversy here and why it can get so vicious.

8. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is not yet a DSM recognized mental illness. This is a form of PTSD created for the purposes of better encompassing chronic abuse symptoms such as childhood abuse. However, this could also include trauma caused later in life such as war. There are other examples, but these are the most common cases. In that case, C-PTSD would be diagnosed instead of PTSD if it presents with what appears to be multiplicity, such as severe emotional dysregulation (inability to control emotions) and emotional black outs. This person can present with one or two other supposedly different identities. The difference in personality is usually very obvious, and the individual does not typically remember what happened in this alternate state. It is unclear if they are truly multiple or not, although most will argue not. If you think you have PTSD or C-PTSD, you deserve help and should seek it out as best you can.

9. Traumagenic System

These are systems that are created due to trauma. Clinically speaking, the large majority of professionals state this can only be caused by chronic childhood physical, sexual or emotional abuse. PTSD is almost always diagnosed comorbidly (comorbid illnesses simply meaning illnesses that are frequently diagnosed together on the same person). All traumagenic symptoms are defined by two or more distinct personalities/personality states/alternate personalities/or simply put: alters. These alters can be completely different ages, genders, or even ethnicities. Alter don’t even have to be human, presenting as animals, fairies or even rocks. This becomes terribly difficult to live with when say… a 5 year old, a wolf, or a rock alter ends up taking control (the clinical term being “fronting”) around family, friends, or even at work. Functioning independently can easily become impossible, although plenty of people manage it with treatment. If you think you might have DID or OSDD, you deserve professional help and should seek it out as best you can.

9a. Other Specified Dissociative Disorder

There are several different types of OSDD, but for the purposes of multiplicity only type 1 applies. Subtype 1a includes alters without clear boundaries between each personality. Subtype 1b is essentially DID without “lost time” (time during which the body was doing something but one or more alters do not remember what).

- I will add the caveat that OSDD 2 might apply depending on your POV. This is someone who has become convinced they are multiple via severe coercion/abuse.

9b. Dissociative Identity Disorder

This is a single body with two or more alters. In some cases, none of the alters will remember what anyone else has done. They might only be able to communicate via leaving each other letters. Other times, some alters might share memories and others might not. In order for DID to be diagnosed, there has to be lost time somewhere between the alters (as in, alter 1 might remember what alter 2 did but alter 3 might not). Whether or not this lost time has to be something that occurs in recent times or only something that occurred in childhood is a decision left to individual professionals.

Now back to Sander Sides. Knowing all of the information above, it should become obvious why there might be controversy surrounding the Sanders Sides. If you watch the series, it quickly becomes obvious that Thomas is a tulpamancer. Outside of the show, people have argued that Thomas Sanders himself might be median. Thomas Sanders himself has strictly denied any similarities between Sander Sides and Dissociative Identity Disorder.

This obviously puts Sander Sides dead center of the Imitative DID debate (endogenic versus traumagenic). Aside from that, there is the fact that tumblr in general has a gatekeeping culture inside it especially concerning any and all mental illnesses.

As for our personal opinion?

By all means, promote Sander Sides. We don’t even care if you present or consider Sander Sides to be representative of multiplicity, although I would generally discourage saying it is DID specifically, only similar in some ways. In the face of movies like Split and Sybil, multiplicity and DID especially needs better cultural representation. The fact that DID only ever makes the news when a criminal has revealed themselves (Like Billy Milligan, Billy Joe Harris, and Dwayne Wilson) makes this representation particularly important. As someone with DID, I would die for more media presenting DID as something other than dangerous. In fact, someone with DID or OSDD is far more likely to be victims than to create victims.

-On a side note: If you’re curious about multiplicity and how this may or may not apply to singletons in general, I highly recommend reading The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness by Martha Stout. The DSM V is also a great resource for obvious reasons. For DID specifically, I recommend did-research.org . If more resources are desired, I can add them. I’d also encourage someone to reblog this with resources for these various mental illnesses, but I’m a bit too spent to attach that right now after typing all this.

Aside from all the debates, Sander Sides has helped multiple people come to accept their DID or OSDD. For some, it’s brought awareness to those mental illnesses. I know for multiple people with DID or OSDD, Sander Sides has been a huge relief. Finally, we get to see something that shows debates similar to the arguments that happen in our heads every single day. It’s a breath of fresh air.

Is Sander Sides DID? No.

Do I promote it anyway? Yes.

Do I think comparing it can do more good than harm? Yes.

Do I think it’s possible for it to cause harm? Certainly, but there is far more good that can come out of it. It’s worth the risk.

Editing real quick to say that I'm more than willing to answer any questions, related or no. Comment, reblog, Ask, PM or whatever else you can think of.

(tagging @aromantic-asshole cause he asked)

(Also tagging a few big name Fander blogs, because we would really like this to make the rounds)

@tinysidestrashcaptain @treblesanders @randomslasher @sanders-sides-thuri @princelogical @milomeepit @theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly @2queer2deer @ironwoman359 I know for a fact I’m forgetting people, I’m so sorry. I also don’t personally know over half of you and if this is unwanted, I apologize for that too. This just means a great deal to us, and we finally worked up the courage to say something. Also screw it, let’s tag @thatsthat24 and @thejoanglebook

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magical-agatha · 5 years

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god my fuckin temperament is too weak to handle thinking about inguinal hernias anymore today. this: http://transhealth.ucsf.edu/trans?page=guidelines-testicular-pain is still the only link i can find that has any confirmation of it as a danger to trans women who tuck. but it doesn't go into detail about how the actual hernia is occurring and what the relationship is with tucking. but at least it confirms a correlation so i know that it is in fact a danger and not just wild speculation or something based solely on one person’s experience, which may or may not reflect the rest of the community. from what i can guess its probably like? pushing the testicles into the inguinal cavity is distending it and weakening the muscles, which is allowing the intestines to slip through into the cavity. i wonder if theres like, something in this to do with like, physical exertion, bc it could also be that tucking is creating a weakness that is getting exacerbated by a moment of physical exertion? or maybe by moving in a way that like, affects the muscles in there? idk. there really isnt a lot of info about this and im not a doctor so the best i can do is speculation. but i dont think the idea that tucking is distending the inguinal cavity which is weakening the associated abdominal muscles is too extreme of a jump. this is one of those times where i really really wish there was more medical information and research about trans bodies, bc most of what there is is sporadic and incomplete and the rest is sourceless uhh, whats the word, when its just based off a persons experience being recounted without any like, reliable research or info. starts with A. im very tired lol. point is i wish there was more info out there cuz there really isnt a lot and im scared ppl are going to get hurt bc of that. this is also like, opening my eyes a lot about how uncertain the information i have in general about like, my body and the bodies of other trans women. bc im finding inconsistent info about things i thought were facts, like for example tucking has always been held up to be perfectly safe, but ive never been able to do it without it hurting, and apparently like?? the whole ‘hrt will turn you infertile’ thing might be inconsistent too? apparently it happens to some but not others. and the thing about like, ‘you WILL lose the function of your dick’ (with the implied ‘but thats a good thing’ that has always pissed me off) and my dick still works, it works differently and i cum and orgasm differently than i did before hrt but it still very much works, it just seems to follow different rules? and i still cum and i can still get hard, both of those things were supposed to stop happening but they didnt. it just like.. went through a process of being reprogrammed so it behaves differently now. cuz there was a period where i couldnt orgasm and i couldnt cum, but then i could again, and now my orgasms are totally different than they were when i was pre hrt. instead of it being like, sudden and intense and overwhelming, it builds up slowly to a peak, then gradually declines from there and leaves you feeling warm throughout and very very soft. and my hen leaks precum constantly when im aroused, and then when i cum it shoots a little bit out then like, leaks goo for the next half hour, not a little bit either. its a mess.

there was something else i wanted to say here but i forgot it. all in all im just. mad that the only ppl who care about the health of trans ppl are some doctors and trans ppl themselves. and that information about our bodies is inconsistent even between professionals. i cant be sure that my doctor actually knows how my body works and whats best for me. it makes it so much harder to trust doctors and feel safe when i see them. what a nightmare. i want to help ppl. i want to find and compile info about our bodies to keep us all safe but i can barely look after myself and i cant commit to doing that. i have to focus on myself. so all i can rly do is like, give advice and try to warn ppl of potential dangers and do what research i can. which is what we’re all doing. the danger is when personal biases conflict with caring for the safety of other ppl, which is the root of all the problems with trans medical stuff i think. whether its doctors enforcing their biases on trans ppl thru medical advice/medicine, or trans ppl themselves giving advice that is warped by their personal beliefs. it leads to misinformation and inconsistency and thats dangerous. that means people getting hurt. so i have to be careful when i give advice to be aware of my own personal biases. such as like, i hate tucking, but i cant tell ppl to just not tuck bc its not my body, i dont know if theres a way to tuck safely or not, so instead i have to tell ppl to be careful and to be aware of potential risks, and to listen to their body bc pain and discomfort are important indicators of harm being done. but im scared that will be lost in the tide of ‘tuck or you arent a real trans woman, you need tucking to pass, it cant hurt you’ that has been spread among us for a really long time.

i feel like this is like, tied to another big problem which is the like, necessity and obsession with passing. which are two very different things. necessity is like, passing to be safe, which i feel like has room to accept that tucking might not be totally safe and comes with certain risks, because it isnt about affirming self worth or identity, only about staying safe. then obsession, which might not be the best word but it will do for now, by that i mean ppl who feel they Have to pass at all costs, bc they think that if they dont they arent a real woman or something like that. they tie passing to self worth and identity, if they dont pass they are worthless or incomplete or like, inferior to cis women, and they will do anything to pass, with little to no regard for personal safety. they will do risky things like skipping meals or tucking unsafely bc they want to pass at any cost. but they spread their perspective on this through advice to other trans women, telling them they need to tuck and they need to wear makeup and they need to do voice training and get implants and srs and all manner of things or they are a trender. a faker. they put insecurities into other trans women and bully each other to propagate their personal biases and force other trans women to conform. most trans women pre hrt are extremely vulnerable and lost, which is when these obsessive trans women give them bad advice and twist them to their world view. that happened to me. i got sucked into that when i was trying to figure out my identity and needed validation. luckily i got out of that and i know better now. its really fucked. ive talked about like, versions of this idea before. that there are two kinds of trans ppl, those who love being trans and those who hate is and want to be cis. and i think as im getting a bit older and learning more and getting further thru my transition im starting to put together a bigger picture of the interplay between all of this stuff. like, the interactions between cis society and its expectations of trans ppl, how trans ppl deal with those expectations and how they deal with living and moving in a cis society thats hostile to trans ppl. this is all one big mess. and thats not even touching on the interactions between terfs, transmeds, and the various levels of trans communities both online and irl. its an absolute nightmare. and then as well there’s like, further interactions with like, nb and gender diverse ppl, gay vs straight trans ppl, intersex ppl, exclusionists, and the mess that the current lgbt+ community online is. i could write a book about this. im living in a nightmare. a massive roiling chaotic community thats fighting itself and the world around it and trying to survive and destroy the parts of itself that it thinks arent ‘valid’. which sounds like a metaphor for my experiences as a trans woman. god and theres more i keep forgetting. im so scatterbrained tonight. i havent had enough sleep to be trying to talk about something so complex as this. and im destroying my hands by typing this much. time to stop. i can sort all this out later. what a mess.

#hashtag blogging with aggy #transgender

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growingupautie · 6 years

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Anti NT or misanthropy (part 2)

Q and A Continuation from last time. With my answer to a followup question based on my response and your comments. (It is a long one, but certainly worth the read.)

Q: Thank you for your response and your patience. I am grateful for your time. I didn’t know about face-blindness and that helped me understand the overarching imagery of your blog with much more clarity. I had initially saw what I understood to be an overly schematic division between the “neurotypical world” and the “neurodiverse autistic world”. An understanding of face-blindness, and in particular a very poignant thing you said to me: “I have a theory that my face blindness is tied to the pain it takes to look people in the eyes, and when people are kind or loving it makes it easier to do so” really helpful to me in understanding the overall meaning of what you’re doing and made me appreciate the whole page much more.

I’d also like to make it very clear that it is not a form of “victim-blaming” that I am advocating. In fact, if it wasn’t clear from my response, I was also diagnosed on the autistic spectrum and am trying to understand what a productive way of talking about autism is. My point is not to justify people who see in vulnerability an opportunity for exploitation or in diversity an excuse for violence. My question was to what extent the distinction between neurotypical and non-neurotypical/autistic is a meaningful one. But I understand my question may not have been articulated clearly enough. Nathan’s answer and the comments helped me to refine the question further. My question, stripped down a bit is whether identity politics is a productive/accurate way of talking about autism. Can the diagnosis exhaust its usefulness eventually and be discarded?

One comment struck me as a particularly thought provoking:

‘I think I got confused because they said things like "my struggle with autism" rather than saying "in my experiences as an autistic person" and "it doesn't penetrate very deep into my identity". It was confusing for me because it was worded like a not autistic person speaking or maybe it is common for people to not feel their autistic identity is deeply engrained in them? I am fully autistic all the time, my autism and me are one and the same, completely inseparable, and have been since before I ever had the words to describe it.’

From a lot of the comments, it seems pretty evident that a lot of people perceive autism as an entrenched part of their identity.

As a child I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome following a long series of behavioural “incidents” in the classroom and subjected to psychological and pedagogical attention throughout my childhood in America. I didn’t like most of it and found it unhelpful and sometimes demeaning. Once I moved out of the states to Europe, I decided I would not think of myself as tied to the terms “neurodiversity” and “autism”, terms at best problematic, vague and difficult to define. I perceived “autism” as a limit to my liberty of thought, and as such, I rebelled against it. At the age of 18, I burned every single document relating to autism in a bonfire in my garden. Out of all the cinders; I found of fragment of page survived, burnt into the shape of a heart. It felt deeply meaningful. Discussing with my parents, though, they told me that I was right to do what I did, but there was one document I shouldn’t have burnt. That document was my diagnosis. They claimed the doctor who wrote it was an empathetic man and that his diagnosis had made raising me a lot easier.

So, I flew back to America after 12 years and went to visit him. He asked me if I was aware that Asperger’s had been since removed from the DSM IV and was no longer considered a valid diagnosis. I was. At the end of our conversation he told me ‘I’m not sure I would diagnose you with autism anymore’.

What if tomorrow autism as a whole ceased to be considered clinically valid? The concept of Autism was introduced in a clinical context. Since its first theorization the incidence rate has risen from 1:20.000 to 1:68. It’s becoming more and more an open spectrum. A mentor I respect told me that “we are all on it”. I was taken aback, but not entirely unconvinced. What if the label of autism begins to become an obstacle to thinking about oneself? At its essence, it remains a clinical term, designed to help people access the help they need to survive and thrive. To the extent in which it is a tag used to access resources and support, it has a clear function. When something becomes an entrenched part of people’s identity, on the other hand, it becomes very difficult to think clearly about it. Basically, I want to draw attention to the clinical context to which the label of “autism” refers and question whether thinking about the challenges and strengths it broadly identifies in terms of identity is the best way of understanding them.

Your story of face-blindness and not knowing who to trust and the invitation to step in your space made sense to me in a way that it hadn’t before, and I thank you for taking the time to explain it to me. You told me not to take your comics out of context as I had sent you photos from your comics to justify my claims in my previous question. That was a fair piece of criticism. Having read more widely, you state your basic claim as a claim to want to educate people about the challenges faced by people on the spectrum. That’s great. You defend autistic people against the ignorance of those who would define autism as some sort of disease. That’s great too.

On one hand, I’ve come to see a powerful story about an individual struggling to survive as themselves, without bending to dangerous messages in an alien and often hostile world. On the other, some posts (and fan engagement) run the risk of reinforcing an “autism clique” mentality. My fear in relation to your blog was that it simplified relationships between the “autistic” and “neurotypical” world to a binary that reduces nuance and introduces partisan rhetoric where it is not productive. I have seen thanks to your kind response that your page is much, much more than that. But I have also seen that for some people autism is very much an identity (maybe even self-diagnosed, which raises a bunch of other issues) that they define against neurotypicality. My question is: Can a diagnosis exhaust its usefulness? Can it be discarded?

A: All very well thought out concepts. There is definitely a "clique" mentality in the Autism world, and (not but) the same can be said about the Neurotypical one. There is a book called "neurotribes" I believe that covers exactly that. But that in itself somewhat negates the "we are all Autistic" mentality as well. I too had a mentor I truly respected that believe something similar, but mentors are human too, and not everyone (no matter how intelligent) knows everything or at least knows enough about everything to come to the correct logical conclusion.

Saying "we are all on the spectrum" as a Neurotypical is quite similar to saying "we are all people of color" as a "white" person. In both cases, yes, we are all part of the human race, but trying to lump in the majority group with the minority group ends up robbing them of the struggles that they face exclusively. Often times those struggles come from the very group of people claiming to be "one with them."

There are social, and mental constructs in the Neurotypical world that specifically and non specifically exclude us from participating, or succeeding in society. If we were indeed all on the spectrum, there would not be a discrepancy in things like employment, lacking friendships, and relationships, and depression, and suicide rates. We are much more likely to have issues with those things as our Neurotypical counterparts, and those are things that set us apart.

I sensed from your original question your disdain for the separation, and a bit of your backstory with wanting to negate your diagnosis. Mostly because when I was re-diagnosed, I went through that phase. I didn't know what it meant, and all of the people around me seemed to act like it meant I was broken. And it didn't help that those very same people had treated me like I was fragile, broken, and "insane" my entire life. I literally went around thinking I was "mentally challenged" (not that there is anything wrong with that) because of the way people were treating me.

Almost to feeling like there was an elaborate setup similar to the Truman Show to give me almost a "normal life." Because, even my friends in school would go through moments and periods of acting like I was to be written off, and even hated me at times. Because of these things, when I went and got rediagnosed to get help with employment (which they failed to do) It hurt me at first. It made me believe something was wrong with me and made me feel I deserved all of the horrible things that had happened to me.

That is the essence of where "self-hating" Autistics come from. We get our diagnoses or maybe even have always had it, and we blame ourselves for being Autistic and all we are told that means. Because that's what the narrative is. The US vs THEM mentality is already in existence put in place by Neurotypical society. Groups like Autism Speaks raised money by dragging our Neurotype through the mud and accusing us of being burdens, perverts, and criminals.

And they have been the ones controlling the Autism debate from the Neurotypical side which leads to more Neurotypicals against us, and more Autistic people blaming themselves. Acceptance of us cannot come through self-degradation and self-subjugation. We are not lesser, we are different. We are equal, and in some ways superior. Just like they have superiority in some things as well.

We have always been here. The rise in cases of Autistic people is not only because there are more of us, but because we are finally at a place where we know what we are looking at and for. And diagnoses should lead to self-understanding, acceptance, and understanding from the people around you. Not self-loathing, mourning, and disdain from the people around you.

To your main question, Can a diagnosis exhaust its usefulness? Can it be discarded?

The issue it seems you are having is our segregation from the Neurotypical world. That segregation is sometimes forced on us, and sometimes self-imposed in a feeling I can easily explain as "you can't fire me I quit." or to paraphrase a spin on Groucho Marx "I refuse to be a part of any group that refuses to have me as a member." We push ourselves away from the group because we grew up with them pushing us away.

I have always strived for acceptance. To not get eyerolls every time I added my two cents to a conversation. I mimicked Neurotypicals for years after painstakingly building a costume made of their odd behaviors and norms, and when it fell flat I blamed myself and at times went into a deep depression because of it. But my self-esteem did not heal until I was given my diagnoses as an adult.

Not because it was a crutch I could lean on, but because it gave me the insight I needed to understand my past, my current situation, and what I could do about it. Being diagnosed can most certainly feel like the end of the world or a curse, but once you realize that it gives you this missing key to unlocking your own understanding it becomes so much more.

That's why you see Autistic people making it so much a part of their own identity the way you see other minority groups doing the same. That is who we are, and that is who we are proud to be. I am a part of many different groups that intersect with Neurotypicals. I am a man, I am tall, I am a martial artist, I am a musician, I am a multimedia artist, but I say I am Autistic in the same way one proudly proclaims their race, culture, or religion, because deep down, that is who I am, and who I am proud to be.

So, will that time the diagnoses become useful ever happen? Given that it is necessary for our self-understanding and the understanding of those around us, I would say not. Can it be discarded? Given that I spent my entire life struggling to find acceptance and success after me and my family all but ignored my childhood diagnosis and didn't manage to find it until my rediagnosis and self-acceptance, I would also have to answer no.

You can deny your diagnosis, and you can hide from it. You can build the most functional replica of what you think a Neurotypical thinks, sounds, and acts like like I did, and have it come crashing down like someone snipping a highwire from under you. But until you understand who you are, and accept it, you will be stuck in a much longer version of the movie Ground Hog Day where you fail to make it through the gate every single time.

The main goal is acceptance. A diagnoses, and pride in that diagnoses are not the culprits in what is holding us back from that. Prejudice, and certain social construct from the Neurotypical side, and as you stated anti-Neurotypical rhetoric (specifically mirroring the most extreme sides of the anti-Autistic community.) are the true culprits.

The arms have to be put down on both sides of the battlefield, but give that we are severely and drastically outnumbered, our people will have a significantly more trouble putting ours down until their side does.

That is what I am working towards. I am working both sides. I am trying to give self-acceptance to the Autism community, and trying to give critiques against because viciously anti-Neurotypical, while also attempting to get the Neurotypical side to understand us well enough to fix their issues with us, accept us, and create a world where we are not on the defensive.

There may be a day where a diagnosis does not mean the difference between understanding your oppression or not because one day (far in the future) there might not be any oppression. But that diagnosis will still give you valuable insight on how you should learn, how you should navigate life, how your brain works, and how you should use that to your advantage.

I hope that that helps you understand better.

-Nathan

#neurotypical persona #neurotypical #autistic #autism #aspergers #aspie #aspieproblems #aspie pride #autism pride #support autism #autism support #awareness #autism acceptance #aspergers acceptance #autism advocate #aspergers advocate

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