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mbmrocks · 5 years

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Ready Or Not Chapter 1 - Deja Vu

Prologue

~~~~11 years later~~~~

Light streamed curtains signalling the morning as Spencer lay watching his wife of nearly ten years sleeping peacefully. Every morning he found himself doing this before he left for work. The sight over her snuggled against him, made him feel at peace.

Sometimes he wondered how the team of profilers he worked with hadn't figured it out. Well, apart from Hotch but he had been his boss. It had been something both he and Darcy had talked about a great deal once they got married. Darcy had not understood both Hotch's reasoning that would be safer in theory and Spencer not wanting to lose her or their kids when they had come along. She was and still is incredibly anxious about meeting the people who her husband had thought of as family. That had changed however once Emily had taken over as unit chief. The couple had decided that there was no need to hide anymore. Sure, it would be a bit of a shock for the team at the BAU but after years of becoming comfortable with the situation they had both agreed they were tired of the secrets.

All going to plan at the next dinner held at Rossi's, which happened to be this weekend they would reveal everything.

"Daddy guess what "

The sound of a loud squeal catches Spencer's attention, just as his four-year-old daughter Mia rushes into the room. A gapped tooth grin on her face she jumps onto the bed where her parents were now sleeping.

"What is it my little bunny," he chuckles at the bundle of excited energy in front of him. It was that energy that earned her the nickname. Right from when she was born, she was always moving around like she was hopping everywhere because she moved from place to place so quickly

"The tooth fairy came," she grins a dollar bill rolled up in the palm of her hands. Her first tooth fairy visits and she was so excited.

"That's awesome sweetie," Darcy smiles sleepily having just been woken up. Spencer hadn't really been too keen on lying to his children about the tooth fairy and Santa etc. By the time Ava had been born, she had managed to convince him it wasn't lying. It was more preserving their child like innocence really. How could he say no to logic like that? Actually, it could have been her puppy dog eyes; potato, potato.

"Hey how about you go show your brothers," Spencer suggests knowing Darcy would need a little bit of time to wake it. Not that she wasn't a morning person, it just took her awhile to wake up fully.

Nodding eagerly, she jumps off the bed before racing out of the room.

"It's like she never stops," Darcy shakes her head, "and shouldn't you be at work already after all Dr Spencer Reid is never late."

Before he had the chance to reply, they sound of their oldest Charlie curse rings through the house. Well, technically he was Darcy's oldest and Spencer's stepson. Although Spencer had always treated him as his own son.

"I suppose I should deal with him, he didn't come home till after we all fell asleep, I caught him coming in his window when I got up for some water" Darcy sighs reaching to pull the blankets off her as Spencer does the same.

"Babe you need to get to work," she begins walking over to him before he could protest, "I've got Charlie."

"Alright, but you call me if you need anything," He tells her, feeling slightly bad she would have to deal with the unruly sixteen-year-old.

"I know," she smiles peaking his lips, a hand resting on his chest. "Now go get ready."

Kissing him once again she slips past exiting the room leaving him with a smile.

How did he get so lucky?

Twenty minutes later he arrives at the BAU a sad sigh escaping him. Mia and his other son ten-year-old Elijah hadn't been to impress about him not being there for breakfast, and he understood why. It hadn't been that long since he had been released from prison, which had been extremely hard for everyone. That also combined with the latest apprehension of Mr Scratch he hadn't been home much. Thankfully there hadn't been any cases as of late.

"Spence we're needed for a briefing," JJ waves him over once her inside.

And he thought today might be another day of simply just paperwork. Nope that not how things work at the BAU, monsters never sleep.

Once at the round table Spencer looks to the screen for the briefing to begin, Tara, Luke, Matt, Rossi and JJ following in suite as Emily stood opposite Garcia.

"We got a call from Bridgewater Florida PD. The body of Rebecca Strong was found last night in a rest stop women's room, with and without things," Garcia starts her voice tense and slightly frightened.

"Woah," Luke blinks as the images of Rebecca's body and the crime scene appear on the screen behind her. Rebecca lay dead in the stall; both her legs and all her fingers had been cut off, along with a pentagram carved into her chest.

"Yeah and then it gets worse," Garcia's mouth turns into a grimace, two pictures of her fingerless hands appearing with the click of her remote.

"All the tell-tale signs are here," JJ grimaces slightly as she opens her file, her eyes widening slightly.

"Pentagram, legs and fingers gone," Rossi continues

"There even one neat aspect, her earrings and jewellery were laid out equidistant on the floor," Emily concludes gesturing to one of the crime scene photos

"Certainly, looks like him," Rossi sighs

"Looks like who?" Matt asks confused.

"Floyd Feylinn Ferell," JJ answers leaning back in her seat as Ferrell's picture was now displayed on the screen

"A psychotic cannibal who had been killing under the radar for years," Spencer concludes

"He killed ten prostitutes, then moved up to low risk victims," Emily informed Tara, Luke and Matt the three newest members of the team.

"He kept slipping through the cracks and avoiding justice, so people referred to him as lucky.

"The worst of it was he owned a barbeque joint, and he fed one of his victims to the search party," Rossi shakes his head slightly in disgust.

"That is a very," Tara is cut off by Garcia putting her remote down suddenly and quite loudly. Everyone turns to Garcia who stood the seemingly frozen and very out of character.

"I uh I have a computer," she stumbles of her words not even finishing her sentence as she exits the conference room. Everyone looks at each other, wondering what was going on

"Was it something I said?" concern filled Tara's her eyes licking around the table then to Emily.

"No, that's not you," Emily assures her. "Um, we were working Ferrell's case when she was shot.

"Garcia was shot," Luke's widen in concern and surprise,

"Ten years ago," JJ informs them, "happened right in front of her apartment building."

"Just a random act of kindness?" Matt asks the three newest agents were taken aback, but the new.

"No, he lured her into dating him, before she ID him." she continues. "Turns out he was a dirty cop named Coby Baylor and she was getting close to exposing him."

"So, he shot her," Luke voices his thoughts, "where is he now."

"He's dead," JJ tells him, the matter of factly

"Good," Luke nods glad to hear that he wasn't around anymore.

"Let's just give her few minutes," Emily suggest, "Tara what were you saying

"Projected cannibalism. The act of inducing others to consume human flesh unknowingly, you do not see that very often."

"Projection seems to be a thing for Ferrell, he fed the fingers of he then previous victims to a later one," Emily frowns.

"His way of telling us he was ten victims deep before we even knew he existed," Rossi pipes in.

"You think he's back?" Luke asks looking at everyone.

"Not unless he really lives up to his nickname," Emily tells him. "He's been locked up in the Hazelwood psychiatric hospital for the last years.

"Well, then it's a copycat who wants to ride the wave of horror left in Ferrell's wake," Matt concludes that being the most obvious option.

"Statistically copycat killers tend to be vulnerable narcissist," Spencer begins he had been listening to everyone conversation, formulating his own theories, along with what he was going to tell his wife before he got on the plane. "Though overtly boastful the harbour deep seated feelings of inadequacy. Emulating notorious crimes makes them feel powerful.

"Ferrell was filed to be mentally incapable in assisting in his own defence," Rossi informs everyone, "so he escaped without trial."

"If unsub is anything like Ferrell, he's got a taste for it and copy cats typically don't stop after just one," Emily concluded the briefing. "Wheels up in twenty."

Now that they had all been briefed Spencer along with everyone else files out of the room, apart from JJ who Emily had asked to talk to.

Despite only just hearing about the case, Spencer could tell it was going to be a long one. Now to tell the family. They were not going to be happy. With a silent sigh, he pulls out his phone entering a now empty office.

"Where Spence," JJ asks as she enters the bullpen, Emily following behind.

"The kids in there," Rossi tells her gesturing towards the office Spencer was now in. Even at the age of 35, Spencer was still treated as the 'kid' of the team due to him still being the youngest member on the team.

"Probably talking to his Mum," JJ shrugs as she watches Spencer pace across the office floor through the glass windows. Unbeknown to them he was on the phone with his wife and kids who he adored. watching Spencer pace across the office, through its glass windows.

"Not sure actually," Rossi shrugs, "

Back in the office, Spencer waited patiently for Darcy to answer, praying he didn't miss her. Sure, enough she answers within seconds which causes him to smile.

"Hey, honey to what do I owe the pleasure?" Darcy asks from the driver seat of her car. Only just beginning school drop off.

"Bad news, we have got another case," Spencer sighs, "It looks like it will be a long one, I'm really sorry guys."

Hearing this the sound of protest from his two youngest rings in his ears. This was the part he hated about his jobs; not being there for his kids, his wife, his family. Seriously he was the luckiest man in the world, and he couldn't have asked for more.

When he got back things were going to change; all was going to be revealed

Although that was what he thought.

_____________________

Another chapter up and posted

Feel free to let me know what you think and what will happen 😉😉

Molly XX

#spencer reid #criminal minds #fanfic #secrets #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x oc #fanfiction #bau #ocappreciation

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iamtaekooked · 6 years

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Something like love || jjk

Genre: Fluff, cop!au / police officer! au

Word count: 8.4k

Synopsis:

It was meant to be a regular day at the hospital. That is until you get kidnapped in broad daylight. Meanwhile, the famous detective Jeon Jeongguk who also happens to be your best friend, just wanted a normal day free of world’s bullshit, but he couldn’t even have that.

A/N: Police officer Jungkook anyone??? idk about you but I needed it. Let me know your thoughts and feedback!

MASTERLIST

8:15 am “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T BE TREATED LADY?” You see a man pointing a gun at one of the nurses as soon as you arrive at the ER to start your day.

“Sir, I am going to ask you to put the weapon away” she shifts back hands poised in the ready position. “Hey asshat” you yell, catching his attention, just enough for one of the security guys to tackle him and restrain his hands. Soon enough 3 gruff looking men enter immediately beginning to shout their protestations upon seeing the man handcuffed. “You. White coat, help him. Now” says the shortest of the bunch as he walks towards you. He looks more like a cartoon character than someone associated with the mafia. The balding patch on his head, the protruding beer belly, and the thick French accent only helps to affirm the image in your mind. The tallest of the three men nods in agreement.

“No” you reply firmly, maintaining eye contact with both men, allowing your eyes travel between the two of them.   “What did you say bitch? Do you not see this gun pointed at you?” The man aiming the weapon at you speaks, as he clicks off the safety. An action meant to scare you. “Or what?” you fold your hands over your chest, waiting for his response. The lean man with blond hair walks towards you, each step predatory. The look on his face says it all and if he could he would have his way with you right then and there. There wasn’t anything stopping him, yet he had a reputation to uphold. “Such a pretty little thing. Its a shame” he breathes onto your face, and all you can smell are cigars. Your heart beats frantically against your ribcage, the loud vibrations reaching your ears. “Take her Cain” he gestures with the gun to the third man. He comes up behind you, and ties your hands with the rope, while everyone watches stunned. “Shall we?” The guy with the blond hair winks at you, as the other man hauls you up on his shoulder despite your frantic kicking in the air, and punching. He walks in the front while the other 2 men follow behind him. You trail after them, hauled up on the man’s shoulder. On his way out the man with the blond hair points his gun at anyone he sees, and laughs as they flinch back. Deranged and psychotic you think. He’d make a perfect case for the psychiatric ward and they would have a field day with him. However you are surprised that not a single cop car is waiting outside. You wonder if anyone present at the scene even called the police. You were screwed if they didn’t. Its a kidnapping in broad daylight, and Hoseok couldn’t care less.

11:00 am   The bar is empty, silent except for the sounds coming from the tv. “Hey Coby. Usual for me” Jeongguk takes a seat on the barstool as the bartender named Coby makes him a drink. He wipes the glass before pouring the whiskey in and sliding the glass towards Jungkook. He grabs hold of it and lifts it to his lips, chugging down the drink in one breath and slamming the glass back on the table. Taking his phone out, he swipes across the screen as he sees at least 50 missed calls from his chief. The name ‘Insufferable Git’ flashes across the screen as he slides the phone back in his pocket with a strained sigh. “Rough night?” Coby asks him, and he nods while gulping down his second glass. “You remember that whole deal about the Cassidy guy?” He leans forward, considerably lowering the volume of his voice, in case anyone was lingering around. He wasn’t exactly in a profession where he could afford the luxury of talking freely. People could be watching him, waiting for the right chance to pounce on him. “Jog my memory. I am getting old,” the middle aged man says, mirroring Jungkook’s posture as he leans forward. “He kidnapped that 3 year old girl, the daughter of Mr. Magnolia…” he searches the older man’s for any sign of recognition and then his eyes light up. “Oh yeah. That one. What ‘bout it?” “Caught the guy.” the smug look on Jeongguk’s face doesn’t escape Coby’s notice. Rightly so, after all he is the most famous detective in town. Famous enough to get shot at three times in broad daylight and survive. The first time it happened was at a supermarket. It was the most unsuspecting moment, even for a guy like him who watched everything with hawk eyes. The bullet had grazed his shoulder, and luckily enough it didn’t hit anyone. The second time it happened right outside of the police station. It was the bravest thing he has witnessed, but stupid too because of course the guy got caught. The third time was a week ago, in the middle of the busiest part of town. Lucky for him, the fates yet again supported him. He only got by with a scratch. Being famous had its perks, because everyone knew him. He was the named as the most desired bachelor in all of the country, but he couldn’t care less. He didn’t even attend the celebration held in honour of that. For he was busy raiding Cassidy’s place and ensuring the guy would be locked behind bars for the rest of his life. “Well hey. Only you could have done it. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know where this city would be. Next one’s on me” Coby begins to shake up another drink for him, while Jeongguk yet again tries to diffuse his superior’s efforts of getting a hold of him. He doesn’t really care for anything because he needs a day off. He needs a day to drink all of his stress away. He places his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palm. His phone vibrates in his pocket and he takes it out with the intention of throwing the phone across the room. But his hand stops mid air as he sees his sister’s name flash on the screen. He picks it up with a sigh, his sister not even waiting for a response before she launches into a rant. “Jeon Jeongguk! Do you know how worried we have been for you? We thought something had happened to you. You did not pick up any of my calls. I told you, check in periodically. Is that really so hard to do? I am not asking for anything big here--just a damn text saying ‘ok’ would be better than nothing at all asshole! Why can’t you do that?” She sighs heavily into the phone and he suddenly feels guilt wash over him. “Me dying is always a possibility. You know that” he says casually. “I do. But still stop being a dumb shit and do what I tell you to. Got it?” “Got it. Now are you calling for something other than just checking up on me?” He asks with a roll of his eyes because he knows his sister very well.   “Oh yeah. Your chief called my number. Says he wants to talk to you. Sounds important.” His initial response is a deep sigh, and a drop of his head on the bar counter. “It’s always fucking important.” He whispers into the phone, feeling deflated because he can’t even get one fucking day of rest. After all he has done, he feels he deserves this much, but he knows its his duty too. Its a compromise. “What?” His sister asks on the other end since she missed his remark. “Nothing. I’ll call him back. And stop worrying about me. I’ll check in later. Promise” “That’s all I am asking for baby brother.” His sister sighs into the phone and it makes him smile because he knows there will always be one person watching over him, while he watches for the safety of others. She’s the reason why he can do his job well.

“Take care. Love you” “Yeah. You too.” The dial tone rings and he puts the phone back in his pocket. He grabs his jacket from the back of the stool. He leaves several bills on the counter as he exits the bar, ready to head to the station.

“50 missed calls. Do you know how much can happen in 50 calls? A whole city could get blown up. You know that right Detective Jeon?” The short bald man glares at him furiously.

“Yes, sir” Jungkook replies, eyes trained on the ground and hands folded behind his back, robotically answering his boss's dramatic antics. “I know you are popular man. Swarmed by people all the time, wherever you go. Hell its warranted because you have saved more people than I can count. But keep your head in the game son. We all need you. This city needs you” he pauses. “But right now a certain doctor needs you”

His brows furrow in suspision as he meets the eyes of his chief. Doctor?   “Don’t stress that brain of yours. Let me explain before you say no” Being famous had another perk. Jeongguk was allowed to choose his assignments, unlike every detective sharing the same position as him. “8:15. General Hospital, this morning. Jung Hoseok and his gang arrive at the ER, Doctor refuses treatment and he kidnaps her. Broad daylight. A care aid gets shot in the leg, not to mention the patients in the waiting area terrorized out of their minds. He’s reaching for it, but someone’s gotta set his ass back down. I recommended you for the assignment.”

It doesn’t even seem interesting. Its a simple kidnapping. Anyone else could handle it. There is nothing thrilling about this, and without that added thrill he doesn’t want it. But then his eyes fall on the file sitting on the table behind the chief.   “I know what you want to say” the chief says and Jeongguk closes his mouth as he gets interrupted. No, actually you don’t. “Sir- I would-‘’he gets cut off by the chief’s hand. “Take this son. We need to bring in this asshole and his gang. You’re the only one I can trust” he feels a hand on his shoulder as the short man stands in front of Jeongguk, looking at him from behind his moon spectacled glasses. He is a foot shorter than Jungkook, yet has a commanding presence. “I was going to say yes” Jeongguk replies quickly before he gets cut off again. “I mean I know- Wait what?” He looks at Jeongguk surprised, unable to believe the words coming of out the youngsters mouth. “Yea I am taking this” his voice is one that is filled with an unusual amount of determination and his face expresses a never seen before level of commitment. Usually he just takes on cases that interest him, but he never actually looks serious about it. But now he does and the chief wonder’s what has changed.   “What changed your mind?” He simply points the file on the desk. “Her”

“Do you know her son?” He asks in a gruff voice. “Yea. I am taking this case and I respectfully don’t give a crap, whether it is a “conflict of interest” or not, Sir” he grabs his holster from the table and straps it around his belt. He pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket. It’s old and yellowing, ripped at the edges. Glancing over it once he puts it in his back pocket. “It can be cause for disciplinary action. You know that” “How many times have I saved everyone’s asses?’ He steps threateningly towards the man, the veins of his neck bulging prominently as he grits his teeth. All sense of boundaries forgotten, he glares at the man in front of him and doesn’t even care to conduct himself in a professional manner. “Too many times to count” the chief’s stare is just as firm as Jeongguk’s. “So then I deserve this one. I am taking it as an honorary case. I missed that party so now I am making up for it” He puts the gun in the holster, and flings jacket upon his shoulder before walking out. He hasn’t completely stepped out of the door, when the chief interrupts him. “How many men you want with you?” The chief asks. “None chief. I am going solo in there” “Why do you want to save the girl so bad?” He asks because he is genuinely curious. He has never seen Jungkook this angry about anything. He has never seen him that fiercely concerned about anyone.   “ Because she’s my best friend and no one messes with her” he turns around with a murderous look on his face before turning back around and slamming the door behind.

Hoseok has you tied up against a chair, masking tape slapped on your mouth to block your protests. You glare at him across the room, and he doesn’t back down either. “You are one feisty woman aren’t you?” He chuckles as he moves towards you, stopping only to crouch down in front of you and remove the tape.   “Oh you have no idea, you filthy piece of crap. I’ve dealt with your kind before. You all are nothing but cowards.” you struggle against the tight rope, but it only serves to leave red marks on your wrists. “Ohhhh.. I like her” he looks at the tall man who had pointed a gun at you at the hospital, and they both begin to laugh sickeningly. While Hoseok is busy rambling on about shit you don’t really care for, out of the corner of your eyes you catch a shadow behind one the pillars. You quickly divert your eyes to your lap, so as not to alert him or the other men in the room to someone’s presence. But you hope whoever they are, they are here to save you. Because right now, a little saving would be nice.

“Why the hell did you kidnap me anyway? What the fuck did I do?” you scream at him, face turning red.

“Sweetheart you should have just treated me. I don’t like being told no” you can’t believe the words that come of out of his mouth. But than again you were right.

Definitely psychotic. Manic and deranged as well. Jungkook, on the other hand watches the whole exchange from the shadows. He is just as shocked as you upon hearing the reason for you being kidnapped. But more so he is just confused because how does someone do that? He’s health with enough criminals to know there is something wrong, but this is a first for him. He tries to calm himself, but he finds it increasingly hard seeing as you are being held hostage. It’s pissing him off, but he has to wait for the right moment, or else he might get himself killed. Or worse you.  

His hand automatically reaches in his back pocket, from where he pulls out the crumpled piece of paper. He doesn’t think you would remember him. But he remembers you as clear as day. After all if it wasn’t for you, he wouldn’t have become a cop, among other reasons.  

He remembers the day his whole life changed for him.

It was a regular day like any other.   The bus was on its merry way to the camp, when an abrupt stop caused everyone to panic. Children began whispering to each other, while teachers were trying to calm them down. Jeongguk sat at the very back of the bus, his eyes trained on your scared form. He really wanted to give you a hug, but he couldn’t because his 10 year old self didn’t know how to.  

Plus, he had heard terrifying stories from his friends about how girls were blood sucking vampires and they could talk your ears off. So he had that fear too. But he watched as you looked out of the windows looking scared out of your mind. Biting his lip, with a racing heart he approached you. He stopped by the empty seat next to you, daring not to sit. You hadn’t noticed him sanding there until you heard a mumble.

Turning around you found a terrified looking boy, staring at you with the brightest eyes you had ever seen. His eyes were refusing to settle at one spot, hands fidgeting with each other along with biting of his lip. As he pulled his lower lip between his teeth, you saw a small mole in the under his lips. The sight made you smile. It was cute. “Do you want to sit down?” You asked him, and the corners of his lips turned up. He nodded eagerly before taking a seat next to you.  

“T-t-thanks” he mumbled, still playing with his hands. You studied him, and although you didn’t know much about body language at the age of 10, what you did know was that he was scared. But as much as you, maybe not. Reaching in your backpack, you pulled out a bottle and extended it towards him. He looked at you startled, almost looking alarmed by your gesture.  

“Its water” you offered.  

He took it shakily and gulped some of it down before handing it back to you and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes fell to your lap where you were playing tic tac toe.

“Are you playing by yourself?” He asked and you nodded , shyly.   “Can I?” He looked at the pencil and you realized he wanted it. You handed over the piece of paper to him and he put a x right in the middle of it.  

“You scared?” you asked him, not knowing the reason for his fear was more you than anything else.  

“Y-yea. You aren't?” he turned towards you, suddenly interested.  

“Oh no. You see those men, they are looking for me” he was shocked by how calm you were. He was half expecting you to get hysterical and cry like most girls. But something told him you weren’t most girls. He leaned over you to peek out of the window and saw some men walking towards the bus.

"W-why are they looking for you?" He asked feeling a sense of admiration towards you because of how calm you were.

"My mom said my dad borrowed money from some bad guy and now he wants it back. So she said I have to be brave because they might come looking for me" you smiled at him, smoothing the creases from, your dress.  

“Aren’t you scared they’ll hurt you. I- I just mean you know, t-they don’t look nice” he retreated back to his seat, all the while looking at you.

“No. My daddy will protect me. He’s a cop you know. And everyone says he’s badass” you smiled at him and despite his best efforts to resist he found himself smiling.  

“So, you like cops then?” He asked, waiting with anticipation for your answer. “I do. Cops are the best. They are my heroes” a smile yet again tugged at the corner of his lips, but it fell immediately as the men forcefully entered in the bus and grabbed you harshly, dragging you behind them. You looked back at him, still smiling. In that moment he had never feared for anyone’s safety like he did yours. In that moment he wished he was a grown up so he could protect you. He wished that the men who tried to hurt you would be struck with a spell that caused them to be stuck with the sensation of 100 lost sneezes, or even just diarrhea. He hoped their hair would fall out, and they would never be able to pee again. Of course that was when he was 10. He didn’t know better. But what he did know was he would grow up one day and become a cop. So as he reached for the paper of tic tac toe that you left behind, he drew a little heart at the top of the page.

  He gently strokes the piece of paper he has carried with him for 15 years. He never once let go of it and never let you in on his secret either. This and the other that of course the reason why he decided to become police officer was because of you.  

He pokes his head out from behind the shadows, inspecting the scene in front of him. Hoseok and another guy were the only ones left. Its too easy for some reason and it strikes him as odd. You almost gasp as you see a man whose face isn’t visible, wearing a police vest, peeking out from the behind the pillar. Hoseok looks at you suspiciously and you compose yourself back to a neutral expression. He looks around, eyes full of caution. You try to act normal because you don’t want that officer killed because you couldn’t hold it together. But then he starts laughing a full bellied laugh and you don’t know whats so funny.  

“You can come out officer,” he turns around looking behind the pillar, where moments ago your eyes were directed. You look at him wide eyed, and your heart drops. Turns out he isn’t as dumb as you thought.  

“I was hoping you wouldn’t say that” and he steps out from behind the shadows.Your jaw drops as out walks your best friend.  

“You seriously couldn’t have let someone else take this could you, you dumbass!” you scold him but he pays no attention to you.   “You two know each other?” Hoseok asks, and for a very brief moment Jungkook freezes.  

“No. I have no clue who she is. Did you forget I was famous and that practically everyone knows me?” Hoseok nods because it makes sense. But Jungkook can’t believe how dumb the man is for believing his lie.  

He walks towards Hoseok, gun held limply in his hand. His walk itself is powerful enough. He looks at ease and it takes you by surprise. But then you remember he is a police officer. Its his job.  

“Well who do we have here? The famous Jeon Jeongguk. Here to apprehend me?” He looks mockingly at Jungkook  

“Nah. I am just here to have some dinner” he smirks, cocking a smug eye brow at the guy. You want to laugh but you know that wouldn’t be smart. He’s a wise crack as always. You have only ever heard stories about him dealing with criminals but watching it live in action is definitely something else.  

You keep staring at him, feeling in awe of the power he exudes just standing there and doing nothing. Somewhere in the midst you realize that he is actually a very handsome man. Even in such a situation your hormones get the best of you. The rolled up sleeves of his white shirt, the veins bulging in his forearm, his biceps peeking out from beneath the shirt sleeve. It hugs his arm perfectly, the curve of his biceps clearly visible. You only wonder what he is hiding under the shirt. The thought itself cause you to squirm in your seat. You bite your lip, trying to contain that small moan, but it escapes your lips.  

Jeongguk glances confusingly at you behind Hoseok’s shoulder, but catching your eyes he winks at you, accompanied by a small smirk. You feel heat rising in your cheeks, heart hammering in your chest. Control yourself. You are a doctor for fucks sake and he is your fucking best friend.  

It was true. They did teach you in med school how to control your emotions. But a certain man was wreaking havoc on your emotions and hormones, just by being present in the room. That man happened to be your best friend. The same best friend you had seen each and every single day for the past 15 years and never once had you ever thought of in that way. So what changed? Oh maybe just that you actually witnessed him being a cop and it was hot? Maybe it is his confidence because who doesn’t like a man full of confidence. But more so, who doesn’t like a man that could hold his own in front of the bad guys, all the while being smug and sarcastic about it. The answer is everyone. But most of all you in this particular situation. “How do you think you are going to save her?” Hoseok places his gun on his shoulder, tapping an impatient foot on the ground “Glad you asked. Its easy, First I am going to knock the guy out who is standing behind me right now. Then I am going to shoot the skeleton of a bastard who is advancing towards me with a gun aimed at my head. Then I am going to take down that fatass you sent over to check up on me, and lastly I am going to drag your ass to jail. So wait your turn big boy” he smiles at Hoseok who looks completely enraged and shouts in anger. You look at Jeongguk in awe and suddenly he seems a million times hotter than any man you had ever known. Not even Channing Tatum could compare. You would have clapped too, but seeing as you hands are tied behind your back, that isn’t possible. Well something about him is different. Or maybe its just me. “You cocky bastard-’’ but a punch lands on Hoseok’s jaw and he stumbles back. Blood gushes out from the corner of his lips, as he hols his face in his hand, wincing in pain. Then turning around, in one swift move he disarms the man named Cain, expertly taking away his gun and pointing it at him. Sweat is dripping from his forehead, hair slicking to his forehead. The sight has you gulping once more. Jungkook bends down, levels his face with the guy and knocks him out with a single punch. “Take that you stupid son of a bitch” you yell in excitement and for a spit second it draws Jeongguk’s attention towards you, who briefly glances at you. But it doesn’t do any good for him when he falls back in pain, holding his stomach.   “Okay you know what. I love that you are so excited. Its frankly an ego boost, but shut it doc” Jeongguk gets up wincing, glaring at the tall man. “Really man? I actually fucking liked you. You know you remind me so much of Voldemort and he’s my favourite character in the whole series. Too bad this Voldemort’s end is too close” he advances threateningly towards the tall guy, breaking into a run in the middle and lands a flying kick right on his face. The man falls back, clutching his nose in pain. You are positive its broken and beyond repair.  

As he promised he hauls the chubby man by his collars dragging him on the floor.  

“Okay stop. Please stop. I swear I’ll go with you to jail or wherever you want to take me” he pleads and Jeongguk stops in his tracks and looks at the man. He rolls his eyes at him and sighs, crouching down in front of him. He leans in close to the guy’s face, and you watch as his eyes widen in fear.  

“I really hate fuckers like you. You know that? You assholes have no concept of self- respect or loyalty. But hey you make my job easy” he lets go of his collar. “Now go wait for me in the corner and then I’ll take you out for some doughnuts okay?” He pats the older man’s cheek who scrambles back and does as he is told.

“Now whose left? Oh yea you” he turns around to face Hoseok who had been standing towards the sidelines after receiving a hard punch to his face.

Hoseok takes out his gun and points it at Jeongguk who puts his hands up.

“Okay genius. You got me”

“I am going to kill you and then I am going to kill her” Hoseok spits on the floor, blood spewing out as he does so.

“Kill her for all I care” JeonggukJ says casually and you look at him in outrage. You want to protest but he glares at you before you even have the chance to open your mouth.   “You sorry son of a bitch. Everyone idolizes you and they dont even know you are an asshole” Hoseok chuckles, still aiming the gun at Jeongguk.

“I didn’t ask them to. They do. Not my problem” he shrugs. You are starting to like him less and less by the second. You dont even know what you were thinking before. He is a goon too, but he’s just not labeled as one. Its all about the labels isn’t it. You shake your head, feeling stupid for placing your hopes on this guy. He doesn’t look like he cares one bit about what happens to you. “Then why the hell are you here if not for her” Hoseok moves out from behind you as Jeongguk takes a few steps back. “Stop moving you bastard” Hoseok holds the gun firmly and moves forward a few paces. Jeongguk’s eyes glance upwards and you catch it. You look up and you seriously cant believe it. “How redundant. I told you. I was here to have dinner, and then on my way I see you bastards and I was in mood for some fun so I came here” he looks at Hoseok like its the most obvious thing ever.

“I am telling you, man to man, dick to dick , that attitude is going to get you killed” Hoseok says.

“And your stupidity is going to get you killed” Jeongguk looks at him smugly, while Hoseok’s eyebrows crease in confusion.

“What- ’’ he is cut off as the old, musty chandelier falls on top of him, lacerating his face.

Because while Hoseok was busy trying to be a smart ass, Jeongguk had seen the frail thing was about to drop and he lured Hoseok to the right spot, and he followed like a puppy. The rest was history.

“Are you fucking kidding me? That was your plan?” You look at him in shock. “I think a thank you would be nice right about now” he moves towards you ignoring Hoseok’s cries of pain, as he clutches his leg on which the frail glass decoration had fallen.

Jeongguk unties your hands and your feet, helping you up.

Hoseok watches you two with anger, and whimper and cries in pain because the glass pierced his skin. He tries to move his leg but it only saves to jam the glass in further and rupture the artery. Blood gushes out. You run to him but you don’t move anything since, it would only make the situation worse. Besides it’s not a one man job.

“Call the police” you look at Jeongguk and he looks at you as if you are crazy.

“Did you forget I am the police?” He chuckles

“Sorry. Then call back up or whatever, and get an ambulance right now. This guy needs to go the hospital otherwise he will loose too much blood” you explain your reasoning to him.

“Why are you helping him. He kidnapped you because you refused to treat him”

“Yea that was when he had people pointing guns at me and patients. He could have shot me. I think getting kidnapped is a better option. But now he is in no position to cause anyone harm. Besides I am physician. Did you forget?”

He unconsciously smiles as he watches you attend to Hoseok. This is why he likes you. Because you don't back down, but neither do you let your feelings get in the way of your work. Pulling out his phone he dials for back up and an ambulance.

“But seriously the chandelier? Even for you that is stupid” you speak when he is done talking on the phone.

“A thank you would actually be nice right about now as I saved you life”

“Yeah. Thank you. For a second I thought you would actually leave me here” you rub your reddened wrists, while still sitting down next to Hoseok.  “I was. But then I thought, the world needs more doctors and I cant take away one just because I wasn’t in the mood” he raises his eyes brows and shrugs. But the truth was he had no intention of leaving you behind. You stand up and slap him upside the head for that sarcastic remark. He winces and rubs the back of his head while giving you the evil eye. “Come on you think I was going to leave you here? I just didn’t want that bastard to know you were my best friend. He could have taken advantage of the fact”

Your mouth contorts in an ‘o’ shape as you nod in understanding. “Lets see your abdomen. That looked like a hard kick” “Doc. You haven’t seen anything yet. This is nothing” he tries to brush it off, but you are adamant. “Jeon are you forgetting I am doctor. I basically treat you fellows every other day at the ER” you lift up his shirt. And as you guessed, he is packed. He is completely ripped. You become aware that you are being carried away so you, so you try to compose yourself. Gently palpating his abdomen you feel that the left side is bruised and tender. “Whats the diagnosis? Am I going to live?” He laughs but you look at him warningly. You know thats his job, but you hate how he never takes getting injured seriously. “You are going to live, but we need to get you to the ER, stat. There’s little bit of internal bleeding. Nothing life threatening but we can take care of it”   So, despite his protests you drag him to ER and he gives in because its you. He can never say no to you. To his doc.

While the rest of the battered and bruised gang gets transported to the ER as well, but under police supervision. Later in the day you hear about how Hoseok creates a havoc in the ER and gets transported to psychiatric unit like you had expected, because he had gone into a psychotic episode, accompanied by a bit of delirium.

The same night you have trouble falling asleep. Your mind refuses to let you forget the feelings you felt when Jeongguk walked into that room. So, you toss and turn in your bed unaware of how much time has elapsed. You give up on any prospect of getting sleep considering your heart refuses to settle down.

The heat makes it way up your body, the more you think about him. The more you try not to think about him, the more you do. You find yourself stuck in a line of thinking, so you rip off your bedsheets, put on your pajama’s and leave the house. You didn’t realize how stuffy your room was until the gentle breeze caressed your face.

The night isn’t bad. Its just the right temperature, not too cold and not too hot. Hence, a walk doesn’t seem like a bad idea. You begin your walk by turning towards the main street, but you forget that you have to pass an alley on the way. Then suddenly the event’s of the day come rushing back, along with the fear which begins to spread like poison through you. But, you remember how your mom used to tell you to be brave, you remember that your profession requires it from. Every aspect of your life requires you to be brave, and so you do.

You reach the alley with hesitant steps, peeking your head from behind the wall of the corner house. It seems to be clear so you begin your leisurely walk. At least for a moment it gets your mind off Jeongguk. And then the thoughts are back again.

You stop mid-step and stomp your foot on the ground in frustration. “Why the fuck is wrong with you dude. Get your head straight. Best fucking friend. Remember those words” you say to yourself and if someone else had been watching you, they would have mentally certified you.

“What are you doing here?” You scream as you jump back in fear. As you open your eyes, Jeongguk’s face comes into view.

“Great now I am hallucinating. Awesome” you say to yourself, shake your head and hopefully with that the illusion and resume your walk for the millionth time.

“I am real. You are not hallucinating. Did you lose a screw today doc?” And then you realize its really him.

Great. Fuck. Frickity frackity fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You turn around slowly, keeping your eyes trained on the ground because suddenly out of nowhere you can’t look him in the eyes. Because if you do, your heart begins to race and you start feeling nervous.

Jungkook on the other hand is furious. He looks up and finds the surveillance camera, giving a thumbs up before yanking you by the arm, and moving to a safer place.

“Jeon— stop” you try to free your wrist from his grasp but he’s way too strong.

“Shut it. You are coming with me” he looks pissed off and if you could see his face you would be able to tell to. You follow him with a dazed look on your face.

Your hand feels like its on fire.The effect of this feeling once again has your heart thumping against your chest, the staccato building each second, and the beat reaching dangerously loud in your ear. For a moment all you can hear is the beating of your heart and it feels as if its going to stop.

The fiery feeling spreads from your arm to your spine where it takes on tingling form, leaving chills in its wake. You can’t comprehend what is happening but you do know its because he is holding your hand. He stops in front of your house, punches the code in, which unlocks the gate.

He then punches the code to the front door. Hand still grasped firmly around your wrist, he leads you up to the bedroom, where he turns the light on and harshly lets go of you. It send you flying on the bed where you land on your elbows. You slowly try to get up once the dizzy feeling passes away. Before you can get a word out he cuts you off.

“Shh” he puts a finger on his lips, and takes steps towards you until he is leaning over you on the bed. You can tell he is getting his teeth because you can see his jaw clench and unclench. You slowly lean back, trying to put some distance since his nose is almost touching yours. But he moves forward again, caging you in his arms by placing them on the bed on either side of you.

“Dont say a word. What were you thinking? What was going on in that stupid fucking head of yours you dumbass. How can you be that dumb y/n” and you know he is beyond furious because he says your name. He stopped saying your name when you became a doctor. Since then it was just doc.

“I expect better for you. Do you have any idea how gravely you compromised your safety by going out at night? Do you?”

You don’t answer because you are too stunned to reply since he has never acted this dominant. But then you realize he is waiting for your answer.

“S-sorry” you whisper, and he leans in further, his nose almost touching yours.

“Are you?” You nods frantically.

“If you wanted so desperately to go on a walk you could have messaged me. A message. Thats all it took and I would have accompanied you”

“Y-y-you would?” You stutter.

He rolls his eyes because even after all these years you cant understand.

“Yes. Yes I fucking would. I would do anything for you. You could fucking call me 3 am in the morning and say you want ice cream I would get it for you. You could ask me to get you that weird ass tea you drink and I would drive the 100 miles for you. I would fight your stupid ex for you, hell I’ll even take a bullet for you. I would fucking do it all for you, if you say it. You just need to say it” he looks at you intently, eyes boring into yours. Your stomach flips and you find that you can’t look at him any longer without feeling nervous and shy.

Shy? What the fuck? “W-well y- you… you don’t have to” you reply, avoiding his eyes and he sighs in defeat because clearly you wont get it.

He lifts himself off of you and begins pacing in your room. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he flops on the bed next to you, looking completely exhausted. You feel bad for worrying him so much.

“Look, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I get that now but I was— I-’’ you pause, inhaling a deep breath.

After a small stretch of silence, which gives you the time to put your thoughts together, you continue.

“I just… I dont know okay? I just fucking dont know” He lifts his head to look at you and he is surprised to see you on edge.

“I am.. I dont even know. Forget it. I am sorry” your bury your head in your hands, feeling inadequate in your efforts to explain to him why you went for that walk.

“You can talk to me about it” his voice is gentle, and calm and soothing. For just one second it takes away all your anxiety.

No I cant. Because its about you, you dumb ass

But you don’t even know what to say to him. You don’t even know how to begin because thats just it. You don’t know yourself. So how can you explain something you don’t understand?

“Come on. Tell me” he urges and you know he is getting that worried look on his face, which tells you that he wont stop asking you now.

“Something happened today okay?” You look at him and hope to the heavens that he would understand the meaning behind your words. Howeer, you realize that would have been possible if only you phrased it better because this was just way too broad.

“Well no shit something happened today”

“No- No. You- y-you don’t get it. I don’t mean me getting kidnapped. I mean…” you pause once more to collect your thoughts. “I- I mean you. Something happened with you, in my head and its just the most fucked up thing ever. Just fucked up completely and honestly and I don’t even know where to begin, and you are the worst person to talk to this about because this is fucking about you. Its about you. You get it?” you wildly gesture and talk in one breath and he just looks taken aback.

“Woah. Okay slow down. What about me?”

You shut your eyes tightly, biting your lip and sighing deeply.

“Something changed today” your voice is calmer, almost a whisper and its a complete stark to the hyper and frustrated state you were in just moments ago.

“Something about you. And I don’t know what it was but when you walked into that room my- my heart just went off. Beating like crazy. And- and then when I looked at you it got even worse. I don’t know Jeon” you sigh once more, your shoulder slumping, hands coming together in your lap.

“I know. I do know. I know all about it” a bittersweet chuckle escapes his lips.

“You do?” You look at him with wide eyes and he swears he would let you rip his heart out and still feel happy about it.

“Yes. This is how it feels. At the beginning at least. Its confusing because you can’t name it. You can’t label it as any particular emotion because you have never felt it before. You’ve never experienced anything that intense and overwhelming and it scares you. How am I doing so far?” He looks over at you, and you nod.

“How do you know all this?”

“Because I have felt it too” he looks at his lap, biting his lip because its finally here.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I am telling you now”

“Who was it?” And as you ask him that question your heart drops and you can feel that little bit of disappointment beginning to make its way in. You feel ridiculous because he is your best friend and you shouldn’t be disappointed if he liked someone. You should be happy but you know you won’t feel happy.

He turns fully towards you, but still maintains a respectful amount of distance.

After a short pause, but what seems like an eternity to both of you, the word slips past his lips. The long held secret is finally out.

“You” he looks at you and even though everything in him tells him look away, to brace himself for the rejection. He doesn’t. His eyes bore into your soul, into the very depths of your being.

It unnerves you, makes you insecure, feel vulnerable.

“Me?” The word leaves as whisper

“Yea you. Its always been you. It has been since that day on the bus”

“I-I dont— dont know what to say Jeon” and its true because you dont. Yes you are happy but you cannot fully express it because for one you are way too surprised and two you weren’t expecting for everything to fall into place so fast. You were expecting something along the lines of him falling for you, and then you telling him how you felt and then the happily ever after. Well, not exactly but this was definitely not what you expected in the least.

“Dont say anything. There is nothing to say. Either you do or you dont” he shrugs, but masked behind that simple gesture is his broken heart. The pain of which he desperately tries to keep away from his tongue and his eyes.

“Go to sleep. Today has been a very long day” he smiles at you but something tells you its forced. You actually feel hurt that he is trying to hide it. You thought he would be honest with you, out all people, just like you were with him.

He gets up from beside you, intent of leaving painted on his face but you quickly stop him by holding his wrist.

“Do you think I am that stupid? You think you can hide it from me?”

“But you don’t” he replies and you pull him down harshly until he sits down on the bed.

“Did you not listen to a word I said? I didn’t say no”

“Yes but you didn’t say yes either” he huffs.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean its a no. Yeah sure it would have been until yesterday. But like I said something about you changed today. For me. I don’t know what it is, but it did. That counts for something doesn’t it?”

He is silent for a while.

“Doesn’t it Jeon?” You gently shake his wrist to get his attention, which is still in your grasp.

“I guess”

“No. No guessing. It does you idiot. I have started feeling something for you. I cant name it like you said. But I don’t exactly see you as a best friend anymore. Not really. You saved me, and you were so brave. You were so fucking awesome and I understand why every woman wants you. It’s just something about you, something that I never took notice of before” you pause looking at him to see if he understands.

“I saw it today. I saw the goodness in you. I saw the courage in you, the kindness, concern, care in you today. And that did something to me. It changed the way I look at you. Do you get what I am trying to say here? I just need time because this isn’t how I expected for it to happen” you exhale sharply feeling a heavy weight lift from your chest.

“Okay. Lets take it slow then. Your pace. We’ll do what you want, how you want. We wont give this thing a name unless you say so” he smiles at you and overcome with a sudden urge of gratefulness you crash your lips onto his.

He doesn’t respond immediately but when he feels your hand threading through his hair, stopping behind his neck and pulling him in, he does. Its a soft, sweet, gentle kiss. Its perfect for the occasion given that everything so complicated.

You pull away first, and he opens his eyes.

“What happened to taking it slow?” He laughs

“Well, if you are going to be this sweet and considerate then I don’t think its going to take long” you smile and he reciprocates.

“I can be sweeter than this you know?”

“How?”

“Like this” he pulls you into himself, arms wrapped around you tightly. He rests his head on top of yours, trying to take in the moment because he feels happy. He feels thrilled and he doesn’t want to forget it.

“You know I can get you to kiss me again?” And you pull away from him, looking at him suspiciously.

“How?”

“Do you know why I became a cop?”

You shake your head.

“You. To protect you. Decided that day on the bus”

You look at him in awe because how much sweeter could he get?

“You are right that does earn a kiss”

So you pull him by the lapels of his jacket and kiss him. You kiss him until you don’t feel nervous, until you don’t feel doubtful about it. You kiss him until it begins to feel right to do so.

“Saved the best for the last” he winks and pulls you into himself once more because he doesn’t want to let you go. He has waited far too long for this and he will make it worth every single second.

You were right. It was something about him. In fact, it was all about him.

Dont forget to click that heart, reblog, leave an ask or comment if you liked it! Let me know your thoughts. Thanks for reading!!!

#bts #bts reactions #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bts smut #bts jungkook #bts cop au #bts jungkook police officer au #bts writing #bts fanfcition #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fluff #bts fluff

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psychotherapyconsultants · 5 years

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Podcast: Defying Bipolar Disorder

Charita Cole Brown was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 21. After reaching recovery, she became very active in her local NAMI affiliate for many years. Recently, her book – Defying Bipolar: My Bipolar Life – was published. Her goal with the book is to show that people can live well with bipolar disorder, despite how the disease is often portrayed in the media. In this episode, she talks about her story and also shares her views on the ways mental illness is viewed in different cultures.

Subscribe to Our Show! And Remember to Review Us!

About Our Guest

Charita Cole Brown earned a BA in English from Wesleyan University and an MAT in Early Childhood Education from Towson University in Maryland. Now retired, she lives in Baltimore with her two daughters.

Find her online at www.charitacolebrown.com.

Defying the Verdict: My Bipolar Life

DEFYING BIPOLAR SHOW TRANSCRIPT (Computer-Generated)

Narrator 1: [00:00:02] Welcome to the Psych Central show where each episode presents an in-depth look at issues from the field of psychology and mental health with host Gabe Howard and co-host Vincent M. whales.

Gabe Howard: [00:00:14] Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Show podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Vincent M. Wales. Today Vince and I will be talking to Charita Cole Brown, author of Defying the Verdict – My Bipolar Life. And personally, I love it when another person with bipolar disorder comes and hangs out on the show. We outnumber Vince! Charita, welcome to the show.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:00:37] Hi. How are you Gabe and Vince?

Vincent M. Wales: [00:00:39] We’re good.

Gabe Howard: [00:00:40] Oh, we are doing quite well. We are happy to have you. So the first question that we want to ask right out of the gate is: what made you want to write this book? I mean of all the things that you can do with your time, why write a book?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:00:53] The reason I wanted to write the book… First off, there are a lot of people who live well with a mental illness, but people don’t know that, because what comes out in, you know, in society is the people who live poorly. So, in general, people expect you, if you have bipolar disorder, to be swinging from a chandelier. It doesn’t mean I’ve never swung from a chandelier. But you can live a good life with this illness. So the reason I decided to write the book was to start being what Dr. Kay Jamison called the “silently successful,” because there are a lot of people who are living well with bipolar disorder, but nobody knows it because of the expectation in the media, etc.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:01:55] That is very true, although I think that that’s beginning to change, don’t you think? I mean we are seeing more and more people who are being open about their mental illnesses and I guess more and more people being surprised by that.

Gabe Howard: [00:02:07] I mean hey we exist. You know the Psych Central show – that was kind of our thing when we started, so we couldn’t agree with you more Charita. Thank you for being vocal. To Vin’s question, do you think that it’s changing? Are we getting braver?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:02:23] I think that it is changing, but I think because of the stigma… I’ve been in bipolar recovery for more than 25 years and for a long time, people that didn’t know that I was bipolar, that I had bipolar, that the illness that I have bipolar – you didn’t know. And I didn’t share because of the stigma associated with the illness. So one of the things that I am attempting to do with my book as a vehicle is to help change stigma and diffuse stigma. And as I like to call it, as NAMI calls it, to choose stigma – you don’t think of it like an illness. And you know although we don’t have a cure for bipolar disorder, stigma is 100 percent curable.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:03:20] Very good point, very good point.

Gabe Howard: [00:03:21] Couldn’t agree with you more.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:03:23] So tell us a bit about your personal experience with bipolar disorder – when were you diagnosed and how did that come to pass and all those fun things?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:03:33] OK. I was diagnosed initially in 1980. I was a student at Wesleyan University. I had just turned 21 and it was interesting because 21 used to be the median age of diagnosis. So I was right in – if we could call it a sweet spot – it’s not a sweet spot – but I was right there. So I was 21 years old as a student at Wesleyan University when I was originally diagnosed. For me, I saw that as an anomaly and I took a semester off from school to get myself together. I had a little bit of therapy. I came back to school and then in 1982, two months before graduation, I had a psychotic break. And in 1980, I was committed to a hospital because two doctors said I was a danger to myself and others. And then in 1982, I had a wonderful psychologist at Wesleyan and she sent me home because she did not want the same thing to happen to me. So my parents took me to a therapist and said, you know given the severity and frequency of my episodes, I had my first depression and 16, given the severity and frequency, as you guys probably know, every time you have an up and down, it affects your brain. So the therapist told my parents that what they were probably looking at was this brilliant young woman who will probably eventually end up in custodial care.

Gabe Howard: [00:05:21] And that’s a very hopeless thing to hear. How did you and your family take this?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:05:27] The thing was my mom was kind of numb to it because my mother was raised by an actively bipolar mother. So you know I have a genetic illness. My grandmother had bipolar type one disorder. I have a great uncle with Bipolar Type one disorder. So for my mother, she… it was too much. And I will interject that I have a girlfriend who is a psychologist and you have to understand that that was 1982; we’re in 2018. She said that no therapist worth their salt nowadays would speak that to a family or to a client because it is the death knell. And that was the way I received it – as the death knell.

Gabe Howard: [00:06:20] You are very right; we’ve come a long way in the way that we talk about these illnesses and more importantly the amount of hope that patients are given. I was diagnosed in 2003 with bipolar disorder and as soon as I heard the diagnosis, I myself believed that I was going to end up in custodial care, join a group home, and and my life was over. But over the next couple of days that I was in the psychiatric hospital, they they quickly explained to me that no no no no no, with management, I can be well. So just between the amount of time from your diagnosis to my diagnosis, we’ve seen some major differences in how they talk to patients and families, so I think that’s right. Your advocacy is working!

Charita Cole Brown: [00:07:04] And people have to understand, when you were so bravely, Gabe, talking about your illness, it’s a 20-year span.

Gabe Howard: [00:07:14] Right. It’s very true.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:07:16] So in a 20-year span people have grown in what they see and what they say. So for me – and I have I have adult daughters – and one of the things I always say with my daughters was that you have to be careful how you speak over your children – what they hear, what you speak into their spirit. So that was what was spoken over me. And it just wasn’t good. And it was like and it just put me in a fight. I was immediately in a fight.

Gabe Howard: [00:07:52] Thank you so much for that answer Charita. We’ll be back in a moment after we hear from our sponsor.

Narrator 2: [00:07:57] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com, secure, convenient and affordable online counselling. All counsellors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:08:28] Welcome back everyone. We’re here with Charita Cole Brown talking about her bipolar life.

Gabe Howard: [00:08:33] One of the things that you talked about in your press packet was that some of the differences between being bipolar in the African-American community, Now I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a white guy; I’m a white middle class man, straight… This is the only version of bipolar disorder that I know but I’m not foolish enough to believe that just because we have the same illness that it has played out the same way in our lives. Can you speak to that a little bit?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:08:57] What a great question and what the question speaks to is culture, and culture is not just color. Culture is how we do things around here. So, for me, being an African-American woman… African-American women, if you think back to many years ago (but not so many) to what Mammy was considered to be. Mammy could take care of your children and her children, all kinds of things, take care of the health. Do everything with the smile. She was strong. She never got tired and unfortunately some of that has seeped into African-American women and our expectation of ourselves. We oftentimes unfortunately expect ourselves to be all things to all people. That’s not, I’ve learned, a good way for me to be. And also, since writing the book and while writing the book, I looked at other communities of color – in Farsi, which is Persian. There’s no word for mental illness. Asian women, no… are not expected. They’re expected to be like the Tiger Wife and super smart and never have mental illness. Hispanic women. No no no. It’s not seen as something that would affect us. And one of the good things about writing Defying the Verdict – My Bipolar Life is that I am an African-American woman and I have a generational illness and I did the things that I needed to do so that I could get well. Now fortunately for me, in the book I talk about my aunt, my Aunt Nellie, who was my grandmother’s sister who had seen all of this in the family and she was the person that helped me make it through and appreciate the fact that there were there was now a medication and that there were things that I could do to be well. And because she didn’t attach guilt or shame to the illness… I still had shame to it, but because she didn’t, it helped me to make it through it.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:11:41] Thank you for bringing up the different cultural differences regarding how mental illness is viewed. It’s been a concern of mine for quite some time. What do you think can be done, if anything at this point, to break down that wall and allow people of these cultures to more readily accept what mental illness really is?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:12:05] I believe one of the things that has to happen is that people have to see that there are people of color who do experience mental illness and go on to live successfully. There are books by people of color. There’s a book by a woman Nana-Ama Danquah and her book is Willow Weep for Me. She’s an African woman that grew up in the United States. She actually was one of the people who blurbed my book, and she was the first African-American woman to write about depression. And there is Melody Moezzi, who is a Persian woman. And when I read her book, that’s how I found out that when she got sick, they didn’t even have a word for it. So by people coming forth and sharing their story… sometimes it just takes one person to come forth to empower other people to go, oh OK, this seems similar to my story. If they can come forward, I can come forward, too. And that is another reason why I thought that I needed to write a book. It was scary because a book is in print and people can read it, Because I had talked to people about my illness, but never written it down. But the important thing is that somebody can read this and they can look and say, oh my goodness, this woman… I start my book with hospital records. This woman was completely out of control. And by the end, look at that, she is whatever quote normal is. No, I mean she thought, OK she’s able to hold things together better than she was. And that’s what people need to see. Sometimes people really need to see examples and I don’t know if you have seen the same thing in your life by people seeing you do well. It’s encouraged other people to do well.

Gabe Howard: [00:14:14] It absolutely has. You are you are completely right about that. Many people in the years that I have been doing this have come up to me and said, You know I didn’t believe that I could… fill in the blank… from as simple as work part time or go back to school all the way up to work full time, start a company, buy a house, get married, be a parent, and then they said, you know I saw you do it. And one of the messages that I always say (and Vin laughs every time I say it) is I’m nobody special. I’m not extra smart. I’m not extra rich. I’m not extra famous. I’m not… I’m just a regular guy that grew up in Ohio and I was able to do this because I had the right help, so if I can do it, anybody who can access treatment can do it. That’s why I fight for treatment and it’s why I try to be so positive. The question that I want to pose for you now is… there’s always this big conversation in America, which is how are the cultures different? How are the cultures different? And you’ve done a lot of research, but the question that I want to ask is how are people with mental illness all the same? I mean, how are we the same as, you know, male and female in different cultures, what do we have in common? And it sounds like you’ve done a lot of research on this and talked to a lot of people.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:15:27] The commonality I think for most of us that I’ve talked to is the feeling of shame.

Gabe Howard: [00:15:38] I can certainly understand that. Is there more? I mean, it’s just it’s so sad. I mean I know that this is not a positive thing to discuss and you can kind of probably hear in my voice that I just… I want to reach for there has to be some way that we’re just all the same and it is sad that we’re all ashamed of our illness and we’re all afraid of what people will think. But you’re right, that is a binding agent and in that way we need each other.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:16:07] And we’ll when it comes to shame, I feel like when the shame and the fear is what we need, those of us who are doing better, is to help distill hope. And I think that’s important. I think for all of us, what we have in common no matter what race, age, gender, whatever – and this might sound a little schmaltzy, but I believe it – all of us are part of humanity. And I think that is the common, the least common denominator of everybody. You know we are all people; we are all human on the planet. I’m a Christian person. I believe that everybody deserves compassion. So I think that’s a common denominator, that no matter who we are, we are all human beings here together. All of us are like a blind man trying to cross the street. And when you think about it like that, it makes us more willing to help each other. If you think I’m a blind man trying to cross the street… that guy over there, that woman over there, no matter what color, age, you know, gender, if you think about it like that, that we’re all just trying to make it through, we’re all just trying to cross the street. We don’t have a plan, here, but if we help each other, it makes it easier.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:17:52] Very well put. I totally agree that compassion is something that we need to have more of in this world.

Gabe Howard: [00:18:02] And compassion is free. We should spread that everywhere.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:18:04] Yeah.

Gabe Howard: [00:18:05] It doesn’t cost a dime. Now’s the time to be considerate to people. I can’t agree more. I’m sorry, Vin, I cut you off. Please ask your question. I got excited.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:18:14] It’s quite all right. I’ll be considerate. [laughter] So tell us more about how you are are spreading hope for others out there.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:18:27] Yes before I wrote the book I talked to people about my process. I’m also very active in the National Alliance on Mental Illness. My local NAMI is NAMI Maryland. I’m active in NAMI Baltimore City. I’m in metropolitan Baltimore, which covers Baltimore City and Baltimore County, and I am an In Our Own Voice presenter, which means that I go different places and talk to people about mental illness. I’ve taken a peer to peer course. I recently was trained to become a trainer for primary care physicians. We have a new program because a lot of times when people have mental health challenges, the first person they go to is their primary care physician. So I’m part of a pilot program teaching doctors affiliated with two hospitals here in Baltimore – St. Agnes and Harbor Hospital – how what to look for and how to engage with people so they find it okay to reach out and get the help that they need.

Gabe Howard: [00:19:43] That is wonderful. I have been a long-term member and fan of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI, for a long time. I was a peer to peer teacher. I was a connection facilitator. I ran three of their walks here in Columbus, Ohio as their walk manager. I love speaking to NAMI chapters. I get to travel all over the country and do it. I love it when they call and hire me. I tell the story of my bipolar life. It’s called This Bipolar Life and you’re right, you can reach a lot of people quickly when you’re part of a bigger organization and I really like your answer there because we get a lot of e-mail, you know, how can we become advocates, how can we reach more people, and one of the things that we always recommend is that they join their local mental health agency. You know we don’t give any particular one it can be NAMI of course, it can be Mental Health America, it can be Depression Bipolar Support Alliance or you know, there’s all kinds of independents all over there, but so many people try to start their own agency and put it all on their back when they can join supported infrastructure and learn and reach many many people, so I’m glad that you’re so heavily involved. Those are good programs that you named.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:20:53] The other thing is, when you talked about DBSA, I have some connection to Johns Hopkins – when I did my book launch, one of the doctors at Johns Hopkins came into a Q and A with me. Her name is Dr. Karen Schwartz and she created the Adolescent Depression Awareness Program through Johns Hopkins mood disorder center. So one of the things that was very gratifying for me was that not only did they post pictures of my launch on the Ask Hopkins Psychiatry Facebook page and Instagram page – people can see those – but they also asked me, can we extract quotes and put them on? Of course you can. So they also extracted quotes from my launch about how I maintain my wellness and posted those at Ask Hopkins Psychiatry. And I was really honored to have that as a part of what went on with me.

Gabe Howard: [00:21:57] That is wonderful. I love hearing that the patient voice is in front of the medical community because it’s so important for all of us to work together and remember that the goal here is for people with mental illness to be well, it’s what we all want.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:22:10] Definitely yes.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:22:11] Yes. And the example that I often use, I’ll say, well OK, if I put on my helmet and get on my skateboard and become a skater girl, and they go, ha ha, you? And let’s say I fall off my skateboard and I break my arm in three places, my shoulder, my elbow, my wrist… you know is anybody gonna tell me, Charita, just be tough. Charita, just pray about it. Charita, leave it alone. It’ll be okay. We don’t want to talk about that. No! Somebody is gonna get me to a hospital, somewhere where somebody can deal with the broken bones and we might say, you know it was very foolish of you at your age to be on a skateboard. But they’re going to take care of the injury and one of the things that I often say is that it is important for people to understand that mental illness is physical illness. My brain is part of my body, so the same way you would be concerned about my broken arm, we need to be concerned about brain health and mental wellness.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:23:37] Absolutely. These are things that we’ve been saying all along. In fact… you sounded like Gabe there for a minute.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:23:46] Did I? Yay!

Gabe Howard: [00:23:47] Great minds always think alike. Great minds think alike.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:23:52] That’s right Gabe. They do. They do.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:23:55] Well unfortunately Charita, we are approaching the end of our show so let’s take a minute here to talk a little bit more about your book, where people can find it, where they can find you online and all of that fun stuff.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:24:08] My book is Defying the Verdict – My Bipolar Life. You can find it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble. My website is www.charitacolebrown.com and you can see where I have spoken, podcasts that have covered me, different things that relate to the book, and how things have gone for me. I would like to say that my book was blurbed by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, the author of An Unquiet Mind, and she said that she highly recommends this book and she called my writing powerful and eloquent, so I would hope I am not tooting my own horn.

Gabe Howard: [00:25:00] You’ve done a great thing and you deserve it. And we know that you’ve been on a great podcast, because you were on this one.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:25:07] Absolutely absolutely. And thank you so much for including me.

Gabe Howard: [00:25:13] Oh, you’re very very welcome.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:25:14] It’s really wonderful to be a part of your community.

Gabe Howard: [00:25:19] Wonderful thank you so much for being here and thank you everyone else for tuning in. Remember, you can get one week of free convenient affordable private online counselling anytime anywhere. All you have to do is go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. Give it a try. Thank you so much and we will see you next week.

Narrator 1: [00:25:42] Thank you for listening to the Psych Central Show. Please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you found this podcast. We encourage you to share our show on social media and with friends and family. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website. Psych Central is overseen by Dr. John Grohol, a mental health expert and one of the pioneering leaders in online mental health. Our host Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who travels nationally. You can find more information on Gabe at GabeHoward.com. Our co-host Vincent M. Wales is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor and author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels. You can learn more about Vincent at VincentMWales.dot com. If you have feedback about the show, please email [email protected].

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-defying-bipolar-disorder/

#World of Psychology

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woods2006gal · 7 years

Text

The Born Again Identity

“You can’t just barge in here without an appointment,” the nurse says as Dean barges into the office. Addison shoots the nurse an apologetic smile. A balding middle aged man sat behind a desk. As soon as the hospital had called Dean, they both were in their latest car to go find Sam.

“They said ‘talk to Kadinsky.’ You Kadinsky,” Dean asks, ignoring the nurse.

“You need to be scheduled.”

“Well, then, schedule me,” Dean snaps. “He was in a car crash. Why the hell can’t we see him?”

“You’re Sam Smith’s family,” Kadinsky asks.

“Yeah, what’s going on?”

“It’s fine. Thank you,” Kadinsky tells the nurse. She shoots him a skeptically look. “Really.” The nurse glares at Dean as she walks out of the office. “Sam was admitted. He was treated for a broken rib and lacerations.”

“Well, that’s not too bad,” Addison says. “But that doesn’t explain why we can’t see him?”

“He’s on our locked psychiatric floor.”

Dean and Addison exchange a surprised look. “Well, I mean, he’s had some trouble—” Dean begins.

“So, you’re both aware that Sam is experiencing a full blown psychotic episode?”

“Psychotic? Come on. I mean, the guy’s…it’s not like the guy’s freaking Norman Bates.”

“I’m sure he isn’t. We need to determine whether his state was brought on by the insomnia or whether the insomnia is a symptom of his condition. Do you understand? So we can figure out how to treat him.”

“Well, all I can say is that the, uh, sleep thing is kind of new.”

Kadinsky sighs. “Right. Well, we’ve pumped him about as full of sedatives as we safely can. So far, he won’t go under. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Addison glances at Dean. “Doctor, can we see him?”

“Follow me.” Kadinsky leads them through locked ward. He stops out side a room and they can see Sam sitting on a bed. He looked worse than the last time either of them had seen him. He was wearing the white pajamas that all the patients wore.

Addison enters the room and tightly embraces Sam as Dean quietly closes the door. “How are you feeling,” she asks, sitting on his bed.

“Maybe you should cancel my UFC fight,” Sam replies.

“Sam, we’re gonna find you help,” Dean says, sitting down next to Addison.

“I don’t think it’s out there, Dean.”

“We don’t know that.”

“We know better than most. It’s all snake oil. Last faith healer we hooked up with had a reaper on a leash. Remember.”  “Yeah, Sam, I remember.”

“I’m just saying…”

“What? That you don’t want my help?”

“No, I’m just saying…don’t do this to yourself. Either of you.”

“Sam, if I don’t find something—”

“Then I’ll die.” Dean shakes his head and stands up. “Dean, we knew this was coming.”

“No.”

“When you put my soul back…”

“No.”

“Cas warned you about all the crap it would—”

“Fuck Cas,” Dean angrily snaps. “Quit being Dalai fucking Yoda about this, okay? Get pissed!”

Sam tiredly sighs. “I’m too tired. This is what happens when you throw a soul into Lucifer’s dog bowl. And you think there’s just gonna be some cure out there?”

Addison watches as Dean nods and walks out of the room. She hugs Sam once more. She presses a soft kiss against his cheek, then slips out of the room. ~*~ Addison yawns as she walks upstairs, clutching the heavy book. The past few days, her and Dean had been holed up in Rufus’ cabin, searching for anyway to help Sam. Dean had been calling every contact that he could find in John’s journal and that he found in Bobby’s journals. Addison had called everyone of Patrick’s contacts and had spent her time going through his books. “I think I might have found something,” she says, setting the heavy book on the coffee table. Beer cans fall to the floor. “It’s a transference spell. It would essentially take away everything Sam’s going through. I mean, we already have everything to cast it.”

“What’s the catch,” Dean asks, sitting down next to her.

Addison shifts. “Well, if I got the translation right, since we would be transferring it from Sam it would have to go into another person. It’s a sacrifice.”

Dean shakes his head. “No.”

“Dean—”

“No, Addison. We’re not sacrificing some innocent sap to be subjected to Lucifer.”

Addison takes a deep breath. “Or we put Lucifer in my head.”

Dean stares at her. “No.”

“Sam’s soul spent a year and a half locked up with Lucifer. A year of that is my fault. Because I didn’t call—”

“It doesn’t matter how long his soul spent in that damn cage, Addison. Sam would still be in the same damn position as he is in now. It’s fucking Lucifer. I’m not letting you put Lucifer in your head. We’ll find another way to save Sam.”

Addison sighs and picks up the book before standing. “Back to the drawing board.” ~*~ Dean runs a hand over his face as he scrolls down the website he had randomly found while researching. He glances over at where Addison was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of soup and looking through another book. They had barely talked since he had shot down her idea. His phone rings and he automatically picks it up. “This is Dean,” he answers, closing the website.

“Mackey,” a voice replies back. “Calling you back. Hey. Real sorry about Bobby.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Look, what you called about…I might have something for you.” Dean perks up. “There’s this guy. He goes by Emmanuel. He kind of roams. First started hearing about him a couple of months back. How he was healing the sick, curing the crazy.”

“Uh huh.”

“Naturally, I think something in the milk ain’t clean. Find this sucker, punch his clock. Right?”

“Right.”

“Heard the best way to get to him is through his wife, Daphne, out in Colorado? So, I go. Tell her I’m going blind. It’s true. My right eye’s burnt out. She says, ‘Go home. He’ll come. So, I go. I set every trap, every test in the book.”

“That's what I would have done.”

“Emmanuel shows. He passes every one. There ain’t nothing weird about this guy. Except…he’s the real deal.”

Dean tightens his grip on his phone. He barely registers Addison standing next to the couch. “What do you mean?”

“He touched me and my eye was fixed. Look, I don’t believe in much that don’t suck your blood. But I wouldn’t call you on a maybe.” ~*~ Addison climbs out of the car with Dean and they exchange a look before walking up to the suburban house. She was skeptical about this Emmanuel guy. But since Dean considered it a lead that he was actually interested in, she hadn’t said anything. Dean knocks on the door and they wait until a man comes and opens it. “Hi. Uh, is this Daphne Allen’s house,” Dean asks. “I’m looking for Emmanuel.”

“Well, you found him,” the man replies, with a smile. “Daphne’s resting. If you don’t mind.”

“Oh, sure. Yeah, sure.” Dean moves back as the man steps out of the house. “Um, so, I was hoping, uh…” He trails off when he notices a woman tied up and gagged sitting in the living room. Addison takes a step back when the man’s eyes flash back.

The demon grabs Dean and throws him against the door. It then grabs Addison and tosses her over the porch’s side railing. “You were saying, Dean?”

“You know, I’d think twice. Or don’t you know that your boss issued a hands off memo?”

The demon laughs. “Please. What you have done for him lately? Roman’s head on a plate? No? Whatever Emmanuel is, Crowley is gonna want him. A lot more than he wants you these days.” The demon moves towards Dean and Dean quickly stabs him in the heart. He shoves the demon and starts down the stairs to help Addison. He stops when he sees a man helping her up.

The man looks between Dean and Addison, who can’t help but stare in disbelief at him. Standing in front of them was Castiel. Gone was his usual suit and trench coat. It had been replaced with a dark blue sweater and a pair of dress pants. It was clear that he had no idea who either of them were. “What was that,” he asks.

“Maybe we should go inside,” Addison softly suggests. Dean clears his throat and nods. Emmanuel walks up the stairs and they enter house.

Emmanuel immediately moves over to Daphne and undoes the gag. “Did that creature hurt you?”

“I’m okay,” Daphne answers. Emmanuel unties the ropes and she immediately stands up. “But, Emmanuel, they were looking for you.”

“It’s okay.” Emmanuel and Daphne walk over to where Dean and Addison were standing. “I’m Emmanuel.”

Dean blinks and shakes Emmanuel’s hand. “Dean. I’m Dean. And this is Addison.”

“Thank you for protecting my wife.”

“Your wife. Right.”

“I saw his face. His real face.”

“He was a demon.”

“A demon walked the Earth.”

“Demons. Whack loads of them. You don't know about…” Dean trails off, realizing that Emmanuel had no idea about demons.

“You saw the demon’s true face,” Daphne says. She turns to Dean and Addison. “Emmanuel has very special gifts.”

Addison smiles. “Yeah, we’ve heard that Emmanuel can help people.”

“I seem to be able to help to a certain degree,” Emmanuel replies. “What’s your issue?”

“My brother,” Dean answers. ~*~ Dean clenches the steering wheel as he glances in the rearview mirror at a sleeping Addison. Emmanuel had readily agreed to help after Dean had explained about Sam. They were currently on their way to go see Sam. “So Daphne. That, uh, your wife,” Dean questions, breaking the silence that had settled over the car.

“She found me and cared for me,” Emmanuel answers.

“Meaning?”

“Oh, it’s a strange story. You may not like it.”

“Believe me, I will.”

“A few months ago, she was hiking by the river, and I wandered into her path, drenched and confused and unclothed. I had no memory. She said God wanted her to find me.”

“So, who named you Emmanuel?”

“Bouncy baby names dot com.”

Dean glances at him and nods. “Well, it’s working for you. Must be weird not knowing who you are.”

“Well, it’s my life. And it’s a good life.”

“Yeah, well, what if you were some kind of, I don’t know, bad guy?”

“I don’t feel like a bad person. So, your brother.”

“Sam,” Dean supplies.

“Sam. What’s his diagnosis?”

“Well, uh, it’s not exactly medical.”

“That should be fine. I can cure illness of a spiritual origin.”

“Spiritual? Okay. Someone did this to him.”

Emmanuel looks at Dean. “You’re angry.”

“Yeah. Dude broke my brother’s head.”

“He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?”

“Yeah, well, he’s gone.”

“Did you kill him?” Dean glances at Emmanuel. “I sense that you kill a lot of people.”

“Honestly, I don’t know if he is dead. I just know that this whole thing couldn’t be messier. You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. You know, whatever it was. Might take me some time but I always could. What Cas did…I just can’t. I don’t know why.”

“It doesn’t matter why.”

“Of course it matters.”

“No. You’re not a machine, Dean. You’re human. Your friend’s name was Cas? That’s an odd name.” Dean shifts, but remains quiet. Emmanuel turns to look at Addison. Dean’s jacket was draped over her. “Is Addison your wife?”

“No. She’s…” Dean trails off. “She’s just a good friend.”

“Oh. You seem to care a lot about her.” ~*~ Addison groans as she climbs out of the backseat of the car and stretches. They had stopped at a convenience store, to pick up a couple of snacks. “Oh, hey. Just, uh, sit tight,” Dean says, turning to Emmanuel. “We’ll be right out, okay?”

“An angel with amnesia,” Addison mutters in disbelief as they walk into the gas station. She shakes her head as they enter the store. She makes a beeline for the chips as Dean pulls out his cell phone. Hearing the store door open, Dean looks up into the mirror. When the man strides towards them, he pulls out the demon killing knife and shoves Addison behind him. The demon lunges for him and Dean throws him into the beer cooler before stabbing him.

Addison picks up Dean’s now broken cell phone off the ground. “Come on,” he says, taking his broken phone and shoving it in his pocket. They start out of the small store, but stop when they find more demons.

“Great,” Addison lets out. Dean raises the knife and swigs at one of the demons. The demon easily blocks the hit and sends the knife flying across the floor. She lunges for the knife as the demon tosses Dean into the wall. One demon walks over to Addison while the other demon moves towards Dean. The demon easily tugs her up and Addison slams the knife into it’s heart. She pulls the knife out as the familiar orange light flashes within the demon.

“Emmanuel, you son of a bitch,” Dean says, pushing himself up.

“Emmanuel. Yeah, not so much.” The hunters turn to see Meg.

“Meg," Dean greets.

“Dean and Addison,” Meg dryly greets. “You guys got some explaining to do.” Addison looks between the two bodies on the floor and walks over to the door. She locks it and flips the open sign to closed. She pauses for a moment, the pulls down the window shade. “Rumors are really starting to fly about this Emmanuel fellow. My curiosity sure got revved up.”

“Just tell us what you want, Meg.”

“Imagine my surprise when I track him down and he’s snuggled up with the two of you. And he’s the spitting image of poor dead Castiel. So, Dean, what’s poor dead Castiel doing in that junker out there?”

“Christmas caroling.”

“Fun. But how’s he alive? Last I heard, he played God, went poof.”

“I don’t know. And neither does he, so you gotta keep it shut.”

“Oh, I do?”

“He doesn’t know that he’s Cas,” Addison clarifies as Dean walks past her.

“I know. Been watching you for hours. So, here’s the deal. You might remember Crowley and me were frosty back in the day? Well, times haven’t changed.”

“Good,” Dean coldly says, tucking a bag of chips in his jacket pocket.

“That hurts my feelings. I’ve been good to you, Dean.”

“No, you’ve been good to you, sweetheart.”

“Look. Right now, rumors of this wandering healer are strictly low level. But body count is getting high enough to change that. Folks start poking, they sniff angel dust.”

“And they start falling all over each other trying to tell Crowley.”

“Now, picture Crowley with his hands on harmless little amnesia Cas. Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna burn that smarmy dick. My time’s coming. But right about now, my army of one situation is not cutting it. It’s cold out here, there’s a price on my ass and I need friends.”

“Yeah. I get that. But we ain’t it.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Dean. Cause I’m here to help you two and that makes us friends.”

“Help, huh? You mean see if you can’t turn harmless little Cas out there into an angel sized weapon?”

“Like you’re taking him caroling. And by the way, you really want to keep going with no backup? Hey, I don’t trust you guys either. But I could really use Emmanuel. And he trusts you two. So for now, it’s in everyone’s best interests to hold hands and cross the street together, okay?”

Dean glances at Addison and she remains quiet. “We go straight to Sam. No detours.”

“Love it.” Addison hands Dean the knife and grabs a few snacks off the shelves. “You sure we wouldn’t be safer traveling with a full throttle angel? I could jog his memory.” Dean shoots Meg a cold look. “Kidding! We wouldn’t want to upset the poor guy.”

The three of them walk out of the store and across the street to where Emmanuel was waiting. “Her face,” Emmanuel says, backing up. “She’s one of—”

“It’s okay,” Meg interrupts. “We come in different flavors.”

“She’s a friend,” Addison explains.

“Meg. Just here for moral support. I mean, after all, we go way back.” Meg’s met with three disbelieving looks. “Dean, Addison, and me. Just met you, of course. But I think we’re gonna be good friends too.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “All right. Can we go?” ~*~ “This silence is very uncomfortable,” Emmanuel says, breaking the silence that had settled over the car since they had gotten back on the road. Meg was sitting in the backseat with a sleeping Addison. Emmanuel glances between the hunters and demon. “Is there something I should know?”

“I don’t know,” Meg responds. “Guys?”

“No,” Dean answers. “Meg has that effect. Awkward. You know?”

Emmanuel turns to Meg. “That must be difficult for you.”

“Dean’s making a joke, Emmanuel,” Meg clarifies.

“Oh.” A loud snore comes from the backseat and Emmanuel frowns, looking at Addison. “Is she okay? I’ve noticed that she sleeps a lot. I can cure her sleep apnea for you.”

“Addison’s fine,” Dean replies.

Meg smirks. “She’s very special, isn’t she, Dean?”

Dean shoots a glare at the demon in the rearview mirror. “Addison is—”

“Awake and needs to pee,” Addison yawns. “So, can we pull over?” ~*~ Dean shuts off the car and climbs out of the car to join Addison, Emmanuel, and Meg as they overlook the hospital that Sam was in. A group of people were standing outside the emergency entrance. “Oh, gracious,” Emmanuel comments.

“Damn it,” Meg says. “Demons.”  “Lovely,” Addison says.

“All of them,” Dean questions.

“No grass growing under your feet,” Meg replies.

Emmanuel looks at Dean. “How many of those knives do you have?”

“Just the one,” Dean answers.

“Well, then forgive me, but what do we do?”

“Yeah, Dean. Got any other ideas how we could blast through that,” Meg mocks.

Dean turns to the demon with a hard look on his face. “Excuse us. Meg?”

“Oh for the love of,” Meg mutters as she joins Dean and Addison a few feet away from Emmanuel. “Sam’s in there. I know you’re enjoying the double dip with your old pal, but—”

“You think it’s that cut and dry,” Dean interrupts. “Really? You know what he did. And you want to tell him and just hope that he takes it in stride? He could snap. He could…disappear. Who knows?”

“I gather we know each other.” They turn to see Emmanuel right behind them.

“Just a dollop,” Meg replies.

“You can tell me. I’ll be fine.”

“How do you know? You just met yourself. I’ve known you for years,” Dean argues.

Addison takes a deep breath. “You’re an angel, Emmanuel.” She ignores the look of disbelief that Dean shoots her.

Emmanuel stares at Addison. “I’m sorry? Is that a flirtation?”

“No, it’s a species,” Meg explains. “A very powerful one.”

“They’re not lying,” Dean tells him. “Okay? That’s why you heal people. You don’t eat. I’m sure there’s more.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me? Being an angel,” Emmanuel says. “It sounds pleasant.”

“It’s not, trust me. It’s bloody, it’s corrupt. It’s not pleasant.”

“He would know,” Meg states. “You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually.”

Emmanuel stares at Dean. “We’re…friends? Am I Cas?” He’s met with silence. “I - I had no idea. I don’t remember you. I’m sorry.”

“You have the power to smite every demon down there,” Addison softly says.

Emmanuel turns and looks at the hospital. “But I don’t remember how.”

“It's in there,” Dean tells him, walking over to him. “I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.”

“I don’t know how to do that, either,” Emmanuel says. Dean runs a hand over his face. “All right. I’ll try.”

“This ain’t gonna go well,” Dean says after Emmanuel walks towards the hospital. Addison rolls her eyes, but joins Dean as they watch Emmanuel.

“I don’t know. I believe in the little tree topper,” Meg counters. They watch as one by one, Emmanuel places a hand on the demon’s heads and a white light flashes. Once he’s finished, they make their way down to the hospital entrance. “That was beautiful, Clarence.”

“Cas,” Dean asks.

“I remember you,” Castiel replies. He turns to face them. “I remember everything. What I did. What I became. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because Sam is dying in there.”

“Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn’t be here.” Castiel turns and walks away.

“Cas! Cas,” Dean calls. He turns to Addison and Meg. “You guys stay here. Cas!” Dean runs after Castiel. “If you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time.”

“Don’t defend me. Do you have any idea the death toll in Heaven? On Earth,” Castiel explains. He turns and stops to look at Dean. “We didn’t part friends, Dean.”

“So, what?”

“I deserved to die. Now, I can’t possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of the river?”

“Maybe to fix it. Wait.” Dean opens the trunk of the car and pulls out Castiel’s trench coat. None of the blood had been cleaned off. He watches as Castiel pulls on the trench coat and disappears with a flutter of wings. He runs back to the entrance and frowns not seeing Addison. “Where’s Ads?”

Meg smirks. “Said something about you not being her boss and going to save Sam.”

Dean runs into the hospital. He catches up to Addison and grabs her arm. “Cas is going to help Sam. So, whatever the hell you’re thinking of doing, don’t.”

“I was going to check on him,” Addison says, pull her arm out of Dean’s grasp. She walks into Sam’s room, with Dean right behind her as Castiel appears with Sam. The younger Winchester looked worse than when they had last saw him a few days. His hand was wrapped up and he looked even more exhausted than before. Addison sits down on the bed and lightly grasps his hands.

“I tried,” Castiel softly says, walking out of the room with Dean. “But I can’t.”

“What the hell do you mean you can’t,” Dean asks.

“I mean there’s nothing left to rebuild.”

“Why not?”

“Because it crumbled. The pieces got crushed to dust by whatever’s happening inside his head right now.”

“So you’re saying there’s nothing? That he’s gonna be like this until his candle blows out?”

“I’m sorry. This isn’t a problem I can make disappear. You know that. But I may be able to shift it.”

Dean frowns. “Shift?”

“Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet.”

Castiel moves to walk back into the room, but Dean grabs his arm. “Tell me what the hell Heaven’s natural protection means when it comes to the damn bloodline,” Dean quietly demands. “Sarah isn’t picking up the damn phone and Patrick didn’t leave us any idea as to what it means.”

“Addison can die. Heaven no longer offers the protection after anyone in the bloodline turns thirty-three.” Dean frowns, taking in what Castiel had just told him. He turns when hears Castiel walk into the Sam’s room. Castiel sits down on the bed, on the other side of Sam. “It’s better this way. I’ll be fine.”

“Cas, what are you doing,” Addison asks, rubbing Sam’s hand.

Sam flinches as Castiel leans in. “Now, Sam, this may hurt. And if I can’t tell you again I’m sorry I ever did this to you.”

They watch as Castiel places a hand on Sam’s head. A red light flashes from Sam’s head and slowly moves up Castiel’s arm. Sam gasps for breath. “Sam,” Dean asks, walking over to the bed.

“Dean,” Sam disbelievingly says. “Addison!” He pushes himself up the bed and stares at Castiel. “Cas? Cas, is that you?” They watch as Castiel stands up and slowly backs away. A look of horror was on the angel’s face. ~*~ Dean rolls his eyes when he sees Addison walk into the gas station’s men’s room. “Occupied,” he tells her. They had left the hospital that morning, leaving Castiel in the hospital. Meg had stayed behind, offering to protect the the angel. And it was something that he wasn’t comfortably with but it was too dangerous for Castiel to come with them.

“What did Cas tell you about the bloodline,” Addison questions. “And don’t act like you didn’t talk to him about it. I know you, Dean. I know that you asked.”

Dean tucks himself in and flushes the toilet before moving over to the sink. “He said that you can die. But that’s it.” He glances at Addison and finds her staring at him. “Ads—”

“I think we should put this whole bloodline thing in the case closed file,” Addison quietly interrupts.

“Okay.”

#supernatural #fan fiction #series rewrite #dean winchester #sam winchester #deanxofc #ofc

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