#like i didn't even know of this person until today

[darkness-follows]

F!Reader/ Boyd Crowder (Oneshot)

Smut!

Summary:

You deliver a package to Mr. Crowder not knowing the content of it could put you into a rather unfortunate situation...

Luckily for you, a man pointing a gun at you isn't a huge turn off.

Word count: 5,169 (I think)

TW warnings: Gun threat. Mention of a cut off hand (not yours or Boyd's!) Sexual choking. P in V sex. Unprotected sex (reader is on the pill). Creampie. Reader has a thing for assholes.

Enjoy my lovelies:

Working for a package delivery Service in Harlan you don't think about nothing much. Living a rather worry free kind of life, sure the crime rate has gone up a bit, rumors about what's really going on get shared. For some reason especially in your line of work, having to go from house to house and everything..- yet that still doesn't bother you nor stop you from delivering packages. A job is a job and you are quick and well paid for your time. One rather early morning a man comes into the warehouse, face barely visible, a cap pulled deep onto his face. Sunglasses and a beard. But that's a pretty ordinary look for Harlan men, you don't think twice about it.

The man pays in cash for a same day delivery, handing you a perfectly squared box and telling you the Address. Some Bar downtown Harlan.

You make the same day delivery, around 5 pm right at the end of your shift you push the door open to the bar, looking around for a moment. “Hello? Harlan delivery services. I am looking for a Mr…-” You have to check that again. “Crowder!” You announce.

Head turning to the sound of a door opening in the back, watching a rather attractive man step towards you. “I did not order anything.” Crowder says, and just the tone in his voice makes you frown a bit, no need to be rude here. “Makes sense, cause this was dropped off for you today” You hand him the Box and your clipboard to sign. He raises his eyebrows at you before he signs the paper, taking a rather big knife from his belt and cutting the Box open.

You did notice how he inspected it for something at first. Like a bomb or something. Ridiculous.

But once it's open a harsh smell hits the both of you, causing you to gag and turn away.

“What the fuck!” You hear the man yell, after you manage your gagging you take another look at the box.

“That's a hand.” You gasp, a fucking cut off hand showing a middle Finger. Rotting and everything. Jesus christ.

What you didn't expect was a gun shoved in your face. “What the fuck is this and who the hell are you?!” Crowder yells at you, causing you to flinch and raise your hands, dropping the clipboard.

“Just..- Just calm down please! I swear, I'm just a delivery person.” You say with a shaky voice.

"Bullshit.. Who sent you?!” He aggressively pushes the gun against your temple. God this is the scariest moment of your life, it's not helping in any way that the man pointing a gun at you looks so good doing it.

“Mr. Crowder, sir, I swear. There's an ID in my back pocket. Normally I wear that clipped to my shirt but this was my last delivery for the day.” You sigh. If only you would have left it where it was, maybe he wouldn't threaten you then.

Your breath catches in your throat uncomfortably when he grabs your arm and turns you around. Pushing you face first into the wall. His hand pats you down until he finds the ID Clip in your pocket. Checking it once…twice..hell even three times.

“Who gave this to you?” You hear the click of his gun and then slowly dare to turn and look at him again, watching him put the gun back into his belt and covering it with his shirt.

But you are still shaking, trying to catch your breath. Normally you are a rather relaxed woman but today? Moment like that? You fear this is a panic attack.

“It uh..- it was….- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, please don't kill me when I tell you, god please.” You try to calm yourself down but he shoved a gun in your face moments ago.

“God ain't got a whole lot to do with that sugar, sit down” Boyd Crowder points at the barstool.

“Mr. Crowder I really am trying to remember, I'm sorry.” You take a seat even though every fiber in your body tells you not to trust him or do anything he says.

“That's on me, I scared ya, I'm sorry.” Boyd steps behind the bar, grabbing two glasses and pouring two big shots of whisky into them. Pushing the glass over to you. “Have a drink sweetheart, calm down, try to remember.” He nods towards you.

With a shaky hand you grab the drink, downing the whole thing.

“Atta girl” Boyd smirks wide. “And call me Boyd please, I won't point that gun at you again, scouts god damn honor” He chuckles.

You nod, twirling the glas around in your hand.

“This morning a man stepped into the warehouse. Gave me a Personal delivery. He was uh, he was white, mid or maybe…late forties.” You watch him pour you another.

“He had a really big beard, like in volume. Big black sunglasses and a green fishing hat pulled all the way down on his forehead. That's all I saw of him, I swear, he didn't give me a Name he paid in Cash.”

“Fuck” Boyd sighs, he's got an idea who it was. And that's bad. Worse is not knowing whos fucking hand that is. And what's he gonna do with her? Can't risk Raylan having a little chat with her..

“Sounded local?” Boyd asks, taking a good sip of his own drink.

You nod. That man sounded very local, the born and raised here kind actually.

But you still feel on edge, what if Boyd decides to get rid of you? Now that you told him what you know. “Mr…-” You huff, correcting yourself “Boyd? Please just let me go, I know people always say that but I swear I won't say a word. Nothing. To nobody! Not about the hand or the guy who gave me the package.. as far as my log goes.. I went home early and didn't deliver anything else to anyone.” His eyes are Intimidating.

He's got something really fucking crazy about him, the teeth, the hair, the eyes.. it's got you on your toes and as much as you hate to admit it..- he's also really handsome. Threatening. Might really kill you. But hot.

Boyd thinks on it for a moment, eyeing the ID card he pulled from you.

“Can't afford any risks right now..” He mumbles to himself.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck.

You don't leave him out of your sight when he walks around the bar, hand on his back where you know his gun is.

FUCK!

He pulls the gun out and points it at your chin, pushing himself closer to you.

“I swear..please..I can keep my mouth shut I promise” You whisper, searching his eyes.

His face moves strangely closer to yours, almost as if he's trying to lean in for a kiss..and then you hear the click of the trigger.

Empty.

“Holy shit..” You gasp, staring at him.

“Wasn't loaded sweetheart, couldn't find the full magazine in time when you walked in here” He smirks. “Forgot to reload last time” He shrugs, putting the gun onto the bar counter.

‘Last time’

That alone right there should make you storm out of that fucking Bar. But instead your shaky hands just grab your drink, downing the whole thing before you lean in and push your lips roughly onto his. A kiss pumped with adrenaline and tasting of whisky.

You truly don't know what drove you to do this, just the relief? Of knowing you won't die today. Of knowing you were never in any real danger when he pointed it at you?

The Booze? A way of saying ‘Hey thank you for not actually blowing my brains out?’

It was probably all of the above.

You turn to break the kiss, jumping off the bar stool to leave.

Boyd couldn't be more confused and surprised but that kiss? That kind of kiss is from his exact type of woman, he felt that..

So when he sees you leaving his hand grabs your wrist, it's a harsh tug, it makes you stumble back a little. You use the slight force of the pull to push yourself against him, kissing him harder and deeper this time.

You kiss each other breathless, moaning deeply when your tongues press together.

His hands grab a hold of your hips and slowly the realization after that adrenaline kick sets in. You are hardcore making out with a guy who not only had a cut off, flipped off Hand delivered to him but also pointed a gun at you ‘loaded or not’ the fear was real to you.

It takes some force to pull away from him, holding him at a distance by pressing your hand into his chest. God his heart is pounding just as badly as yours.

“What the fuck am I doing” You huff.

“Shit.” “Been wonderin’ that myself Darlin’! But I like em a bit crazy” His hands run over your brown Uniform.

“STOP that..- this is fucked up” You take a few steps back, shaking your head to yourself you can't possibly hook up with this fucking guy! He's dangerous.

“Ain't nobody forcing you love, there's the door” He nods towards the big exit sign. He's right..- you can just leave.

“Or we take this bottle of fine amber colored liquor and sit on the very comfortable couch in the back, have a few drinks..- amongst other things” He smiles, and fuck it's a really nice smile!

“Up to you, but I know where i'm goin’ “ and with that Boyd grabs the bottle, disappearing towards the back room of the bar. What is still stopping you from walking out of the exit door? He's obviously fucking crazy, and totally in trouble with some people who would send him a cut off hand!

But god it's one of those moments where you look back to later in life, one of the things you'd either be happy you did or didn't do. But the way he talks? Walks…the way he kisses even..-

You walk towards the back with a heavy pounding heart, slowly pushing the door open to see him on the couch. Bottle in hand, prideful evil little smirk on his face.

“Well then, looks like you made up your mind cupcake’ gonna come over here and take a seat?” His hand pats his thigh. Suggesting you should sit on his lap. That's asking a lot….

But you still go and do it, sitting down on his lap. Legs next to his thighs on the couch.

“There you go girl, look at that, not so scared of me anymore are you?” He puts the bottle between himself and the side of the couch, needing both hands to open the buttons on your brown Uniform.

Your hand gently strokes through his hair, tugging a little on it at the back of his head. The way he looks up at you has you melting, christ, how can he look so attractive and scary at the same time. Once he opens the shirt his hands slide it off your shoulders, taking in the bra that you are wearing. A simple Black bra with soft cups, watching him lean in closer to place a few kisses onto your neck and collarbone.

“Just promise me I won't regret this.” You ask, hand still combing through his hair.

His hand on your back opens your bra, slowly sliding it off before he looks up at you again. “I promise” then his head leans down to kiss one of your breasts, the texture of tongue against your sensitive nipple makes you moan deeply. So far no regrets.

When he leaves off of you again to lean all the way back you catch yourself squirming on his lap a little. He's staring at you, at your neck and your stomach and your breasts..

Watching him take another sip from the whisky bottle.

“I'm just enjoying the view, savoring the moment.” Boyd sighs.

“If the gun would have been loaded…” You look into his eyes, you just need to make sure.

“No. I wouldn't have shot you” he huffs, his left hand strokes over your side and then up your arm, to your shoulder and then he cups your face in his palm. “Cause i believe that you knew nothin’ about this, I just gotta be real damn careful with whom I trust these days”

It's good to hear that, so you lean into the palm on your cheek, for pointing a gun at you and being all Intimidating he sure is weirdly gentle with you. You almost feel a bit worshiped under his touch and gaze.

Your hand starts to explore his chest, fingers stroking over the thin fabric that's covering his skin, toying with the first few already opened buttons. That's when you feel a scar, peeling back the layer of his shirt wasn't your best idea. You see something a whole lot worse than a bullet hole scar.

“No. No way..- I don't fuck with that.” You huff getting off him, looking for your shirt. “Should have drawn the line the second you pointed a damn gun at me. But I am REALLY gonna draw the line at bullshit like white fucking Power” You curse, reffereing to the hateful symbol Tattoo on his upper arm. Being disgusted that you even kissed him.

“Now now, hold on. That was a long time ago, when I was a different man, who had different beliefs. I don't share these kinds of beliefs anymore, just haven't gotten rid of it yet because believe it or not, very little people wanna Cover this up and laser is expensive and I don't have the gut yet to just Stick a damn branding Iron to my own flesh” Boyd doesn't get up from the couch however, he won't try and persuade you. He never talked a woman into having sex and he's not gonna start with that now.

“Oh? Lemme do that for you, i gladly burn that fucking thing off your arm” You smile wide.

“I believe that in a second darlin’ “ Boyd shakes his head to himself, finally standing up. The tension is still there, the both of you with your Shirts all the way open. Revealing chest and stomach. “I don't believe in a superior race anymore, I promise” He offers the bottle of whisky to you.

It's still a bit hard to digest.

“If I screw you and it turns out that you do believe this crap it's really going to be a motherfucker on that regret scale, Boyd.” You take the whisky however, taking a good chug before handing it back. Feeling it warm your stomach, flush your cheeks a little.

“I've been a man of god..” He steps closer “I've been a brainwashed racist” He takes another step closer “But I sure as shit have never lied to get my dick wet, but you..you love this type of adrenaline darlin’ don't even try to deny it. Sure I had a gun but you still could have ran at any point. Could have just left instead of kissing me. But you..- Miss..- are a real adrenaline junkie. I'd bet if I pointed a loaded gun at ya you'd soak your god damn panties” He stops just an inch away from you. How does he do that?! This charm and speaking so much truth, how on earth does he know that it really does turn you on.

“It was a phase when I was younger.” You point out, letting him come closer to you. Undress you more. “I bet it was” that evil little grin returns to his face until you have the edge of the table against your butt.

“Booze…tattoos…little bit of weed and a whole bunch of bad boys ain't that right? Lemme guess, you noticed then and there that ordinary flip flop wearin’ legally money makin’ nice guys weren't your type. Always had one with a bit of an edge huh?”

Speaking of edge Boyd lifts your hips up to make you sit on that table, stepping between your legs.

You just nod at everything he's saying with a burning Red face.

“And even though these guys were total pricks, lyin’ cheatin’ assholes…They all had something in common didn't they?” He moves to completely undress you. He takes off everything. And you just let him. Sitting on the table with your legs around his waist fully nude while he still has all of his clothes on and only his shirt unbuttoned.

“God don't say it Boyd.” You squirm on the table.

His hands opening his belt is one of the hottest things you've ever seen. Those big strong fingers working the Button and his zipper…

“They made you scream didn't they? They made you hotter and wetter and moanin’ louder than you ever had in your life…” He sighs.

Your hands grip the edge of the table next to your thighs hard when you nod all shy and caught. He really does have a hang on reading people…Drilling into their darkest deepest secrets.

You should have known that someone like Boyd doesn't do a whole lot of prep, or gives out any warnings, that he takes what he wants when he wants it…- but feeling him push his entire length inside of you just like fucking that makes your eyes roll back in your head. Huffing and puffing because FUCK he's huge, at least it sort of fits.. fucking god.

Your arms wrap tightly around him, breathing out a broken moan against his shoulder.

It was only a tiny bit uncomfortable at first, that feeling is gone now and all you can feel is the fucking weight of his cock deep inside of you. “Fuck..Boyd!” You exhale.

His hand slowly wraps around your throat, squeezing the sides and suddenly that feeling of him pointing a gun at you starts to come flooding back. You want to trust him but..- He pointed a fucking gun at your head.

“Boyd..-” You ask with a desperate sigh.

His grip eases up and when he starts moving his hips he locks eyes with you.

“You're okay, you're alright.” He whispers, placing a deep kiss onto your lips.

After kissing you breathless his other hand strokes over your cheek. Thumb rubbing over your chin “You're safe with me darlin’ I promise.” He lets out a deep moan as well, putting his lips onto your throat and then he sucks gently on your neck.

“I'll hold you…- to that!” You moan mid sentence when his lips leave a hickey behind on your skin. His hands start wandering over your entire body, you can feel his rough Fingertips dance over your inner thighs, hips, running up your sides and then you feel his hands gently kneading your breasts. He really seems insanely into you, not just an object to get off with. You feel genuinely desired and wanted.

“Sweetness, If I'd known how godly you felt I would have never pointed that stupid Gun at you, christ, you take me so good” He groans, kissing your cheek and placing his hands back to your hips to move you into his thrusts.

“FUCK…-” You moan.

The way his hips keep moving and how his hands keep pulling you to meet each and every single thrust is unholy. It's a kind of pleasure you haven't felt in a while. Fucking assholes usually doesn't turn out so well, but whatever Boyd Crowder is involved in makes him the best cock you ever had.

“How long..can you…keep this up?” You ask. It's been minutes already, which is maybe normal but knowing how desperate you both were..he's holding out isn't he?

“Until I feel that drippin’ cunt of yours choke my cock baby” He huffs. Putting his forehead against yours. “God Boyd…” You didn't expect that.

Your hands move over his shoulders, your right hand strokes through his hair. Starts gently tugging on it with each thrust.

If it were up to you, you two could keep this up for fucking ever. His dirty mouth is certainly a little surprise but a nice break from all the cute nicknames he seems to come with. He's only going to finish when you do… that almost seems too good to be true so you try your best to hold out. You let him keep this rhythm up, the hard thrusts and the lips all over your skin when after a minute or two he starts to sound way more desperate when he moans then he did before.

His hand moves down on you, gently starting to rub two fingers over your clit.

And Boyd Crowder was right, assholes do make you scream. “OH GOD…-” Your legs tremble when his fingers speed up, that feeling mixed with the harsh thrusts got you beat. You give up. You don't hold it in a second longer, your core clenches brutally around his cock, legs squeezing his hips tightly when you cum.

And from all that sudden tightness Boyd cums too, letting go of your hip and wrapping both arms around you tightly as his now rather uncoordinated thrusts pump his release deeper inside of you, the sound coming out of this man almost makes you wish you could finish again just to see who gets louder. It's a moan you don't ever want to miss again, the kind of sound that's going to Ring in your ears everytime you touch yourself in the future. His hips slowly but surely come to a halt. Boyd's head resting on your shoulder.

You can't help but to stroke a gentle hand through his hair, the other over his back. He's still holding onto you so tightly.

“Assholes and their damn A+ fuckin’ “ You joke a little and when he chuckles something warms in your chest. His arms slowly let go and his head moves, trailing even more kisses over your shoulder, neck, cheek, all the way to your lips. You are sincerely surprised by that deep kiss, he claims to be one of the bad guys, an asshole like the other's but these sudden gentle and sweet things really do confuse you.

“I’m only a part time prick actually” He leans back just enough to take a good look at you but not pulling himself out of you yet.

"Hm. But lemme guess, you won't call” You meant it as a joke. Of course he wouldn't. This was a one time only thing right? A little fling. Just sex nothing else.

“I was..about to ask if you'd like to grab some dinner” Boyd smiles a bit, carefully pulling out of you and the way his hands keep you from closing your legs so he can take a good look at his work makes you speechless. You can feel it slowly running out of you…the sudden cold air.. squirming on the table again.

“Now that right there Sweetheart is a fuckin’ piece of art” He comments on it too, when finally his hands close your legs for you. God you want him to keep treating you like that, like that's all his, he may do with your legs and your hips and your entire body whatever he pleases.

When he simply pulls his underwear and jeans back up from his ankles he winks at you “So, dinner?” He asks, closing his zipper and belt and then the buttons on his shirt while you still sit on the table breathing through the feeling of that soaked leaking mess between your legs. Thank god you are on the pill…

“I thought you were joking about that” You huff. Making a grabby hand gesture towards the box of tissues on the other desk. Which he noticed and picked up in a flash for you.

“I ain't that cruel” His smirk however while he takes in how you clean up makes you want to doubt that statement.

But just as you were about to agree to Dinner you hear the heavy metal door open in the front of the bar, the look on Boyd's face is..really scary. How he takes his gun and checks if it's loaded this time, tugging it into his belt.

“Stay here darlin’ don't come out” He whispers, leaving you with a kiss on your cheek.

While Boyd goes to investigate you hurry with that cleanup, putting a pad into your underwear before putting your work Uniform pants back on. Fixing your hair and clothes to make it look like nothing happened here. Just in case it turns out to be a fucking girlfriend or wife or something.

“Raylan…” Boyd huffs, of course it would be him. “What can I do for ya” He walks behind the bar.

“Well, Boyd. We found a body this mornin’ missing a hand ! Can you believe that?” Raylan and his acts. “Oh..maybe you can, what's that?” He points at the box.

“A halloween prop” Boyd sighs loudly, of course he's Raylans first fucking stop and of course Boyd forgot to put that away when he got distracted with the most perfect and Intense sex he's had in long while.

“Right. Don't smell like one though, now what do you bet Boyd.. that this hand right here belongs to our guy who's missin’ one?” Givens teases some more. “Wouldn't that be somethin’ Raylan.” Boyd nods. “I didn't kill him if that's what you're asking. I got this as a message, a warning…and I do not know from who” He points out.

“Why should I believe that? Wouldn't be your first dead guy” Raylan inspects some more.

“I got this delivered. Officially. That means someone put some real work into that message, that's what you should focus on.” Boyd is getting tired of this, he has dinner plans. Hopefully.

“Can anyone vouch for that or are you just making up some tales” Raylan pokes at the box with a pen. “Nope, guess you gotta take my word for it friend” Crowder grins.

“I can.” You say with your clipboard back in your hands, and for a second there Raylan moved his hand to his gun holster.

“Who are you?” Raylan wonders but Boyd? Oh Boyd looks mad.. “I told you not to come out” He whispers when he makes a few steps to stand next to you, you feel a bit better about the nervous Marshal in front of you two right now.

“I made the delivery Sir.” You smile, carefully placing the clipboard with your Info and ID card onto the bar and taking a step back again.

“Your neck…are you alright? Did he hurt you? Force you to say that?” Raylan worries when he takes a closer look at you.

“Raylan! I am deeply offended that you'd think I'd ever lay my hands on a woman. That might have been how my Daddy did things but I ain't that kind of man” He protests. You forgot about the redish and purple spots on your neck and throat. It does look like someone violently choked you or something. “Then why does she..-” He squints his eyes, putting two and two together. “Was it consensual?” Givens asks and you can feel some color on your cheeks now, slowly nodding.

“Very.” You smirk up at Boyd for a moment and he returns it, placing a kiss against your head.

“Happy for you two, so, if I check this they can confirm you made this delivery today?” Raylan asks, looking somewhat disgusted at the thought of you two having sex. You nod again “Yes sir! It's all there..I didn't get a good look at the guy who put the contract in. I see so many faces on a daily Basis it's hard to remember specifics”

Now that's not what you told Boyd….

And he noticed that.

The look on his face is intensely hot, it makes you want to drop to your damn knees for him.

“I'll check that real quick then, don't go anywhere.” Raylan warns when he takes the box, the clipboard and your ID. He needs to make a few calls in his car so he leaves the bar, shaking his head to himself. When the door closes you grab Boyd's face with both hands to kiss him deeply.

He lets you but only for a moment, breathing roughly when he pulls away. “You didn't have to do that! But oh am I fuckin’ happy you did. Gives me some time to deal with that guy myself before the Marshal can get his hands on him” He kisses you back. You kiss intensely and passionately before you both run out of air. “I don't do good with cops and if I make any official Statements he needs to drag me to the station and..-” You smile wide “I have dinner plans” You wink at him, having him all over you again with deep kisses, hands on your hips when Raylan walks back inside.

“Jesus christ” Givens complains.

You two separate when the Marshal returns.. but damn it, why couldn't he take just a little longer.

“You two really are meant for each other..with your hefty criminal records and everything. But your Boss confirmed the delivery and your job there, so good for you young Lady.” He eyes Boyd a bit worried. “Look at that..a little more to the whole datin’ asshoels Story hm?” Boyd however doesn't look worried by it, he looks if anything turned on by it. “Break ins. Underage drinking.. theft, even an assault on a registered sex offender with a uh…Baseball bat” Raylan huffs impressed.

“God damn woman, where you been all my life..Smackin’ weirdos around? Atta girl” He smiles at Raylan like he's insanely proud of you.

“You got lucky today Boyd, but remember, I'll be back” Raylan reminds him before giving you your things back. “If that guy really does it for you…fine, but if you want a life away from all this crap reconsider. Boyd Crowder is always bad news” Givens mumbles to you before he leaves.

Once that door closes you and Boyd start laughing, giggling like idiots.

“Boyd Crowder is always bad news!!!” You mock Raylan Givens' voice. “He's a pain but he sure knows how to be funny” Boyd points out.

“So, where would you like to go for dinner sweetheart?” He asks and all you can do is stare up at him with a happy smile. What a strange day and what a strange man, from putting a gun to your head to making you scream from good sex to asking where ‘you’ would like to go eat.

“How about…my place? I can fix you up somethin’ nice.” You offer and his face lights up even more.

“Well then I'm already pretty set on what my dessert is gonna be…cupcake” He teases.

What a great use of this nickname, you can't wait to be eaten like one. “It's a date” You kiss him again, gently.

Hey you!

Thank you for reading!!! I hope you liked it.

Tag list:

@pixelatedprofilepic @golden-omega @ivyinthesun @catclaw12

(I hope i got that right!)

#walton goggins #boyd crowder #justified #boyd crowder x reader #boyd crowder x female reader #boyd crowder spice #cooper howard #the ghoul

[polaris-stuff]

Hey Noffy again.

You know ... I had planned on writing out a post today. Of why my view on this whole situation is so different. Maybe put it finally all into words.(And I still might make it) Talking through here has been...easing on the nerves of ever making a post about tsams. That I always hesitated on for various reasons but

This episode on Tsmas. (Montys plan to bring old.moon back)My thoughts on the celestial family hasnt changed.

But personally even as someone who was/is defending the celestial family.

I HATE the idea of killing new moon to bring the old moon back. Just because he is spiralling and hurting. Lashing out at his family and wanting to kill ruin/Bloodmoon. Doesn't mean Moon doesn't love and care for his family.

I don't think Monty talked to sun about this. AT ALL I don't think sun would want this either (I hope so at least i really really hope so) considering he ran off during the last discussion after firmly stating he didn't wanna do any of the things they were suggesting. I am holding out some hope.

I am not making my judgement on old moons feelings yet. Guy ain't got the full context. Just what Monty told him (wich was heavily skewed imo) and whatever flashes he gets when active. But based on the context he got. New moon hurts his family of course he wants to do something.

The only reason I would be okay with old moon returning is if it DIDNT kill/destroy new moon.

Killing never solved anything in this show anyway.

(also not liking computer just listening to monty to shock moon. But that is a whole another can of worms)

So yeah. While I still be defending sun ( and to a lesser extend the families) desissions.

If Monty goes through with this. Without talking to any of them??? I be so pissed.

(also weird thing I seemed to notice. A lot of people in the YouTube comments seemed really excited for new moon to be gone and old moon to return. While here on Tumblr. The opposite seems to be the case. Either way. If I could have my cake they both be around in the long run. But that's a hopeful idea that likely won't happen. )

-Noffy

Hi, Noffy! Sorry if today's answer isn't that long, I'm a little tired😭

But yeah! I totally agree with you! Monty didn't talk about what he did to Moon with Sun today, Sun has no idea that Monty went to talk to Old Moon and I hope the computer notifies Sun what happened. Although, honestly, I'm starting to not expect anything because I'll be disappointed when it doesn't happen

I genuinely do NOT want Old Moon back. I know that Old Moon loved his family and he loved Sun even though he hurt him but... Killing New Moon now... Just because he is having psychosis episodes and in a bad mental state...? Keeping him locked in a cage, electrocuting him until he faints... It sounds like torture.

I don't want Monty or Foxy to fix anything that's happening tbh, this is the SUN and MOON show, not MGAFS, so keep the protagonists on their own show.

And yes! Please don't read the YT comments, they are full of toxicity and little kids XD

#tsams #polaris stuffs #the sun and moon show #sun and moon show #tysm for the ask!

[jayden-killer]

Ayo, hiii! Is it okay to ask angst?

Here's an idea: reader has a sensory disorder (maybe autism), but doesn't know about it (they weren't diagnosed somehow for all these years) and it prevents her from building strong friendships/relationships since people think of them as weird or whatever. But it's not a bother until Miguel shows up. We all know he likes this intense eye contact when speaking to someone but READER CAN'T LOOK IN THE EYE WHEN THEY SPEAK TO SOMEONE. So Miguel might feel that he is disrespected or they don't listen to him (which isn't true, they listen very carefully).

So conflict happens and fluff in the end (make up... make out)? Like reader gets diagnosed after because LYLA notices pattern in reader's behaviour and encourages Miguel to get reader to see a doctor.

I hope I write clear, because English is not my first language.

Thank you, byee💥

Woo-oh! Thanks for requesting, anon. This is some interesting idea here. I tried my best, making some reseraches about sensory disorder and its symptoms; I hope I didn't disappoint you and won't be disrespectful :((

KISS ME BETTER.

Miguel O'Hara × General neutral reader.

warnings: angst, conflicts between the two protagonists, low self-esteem, use of Y/N.

I always thought I was strange. And I always thought that this weirdness would cause me discomfort, like friendships. Seeing all those people of my age and not being able to create unbreakable bonds...I envied them. They made things seem so much simpler than they thought, yet how could I never? This was not even possible when my life changed, taking on my responsibilities as Spider-man. Even in the Spider-society everyone seemed so sociable, available. Perhaps only in appearance.

Not even there was easy to make a friend, let alone find a lover. Great story.

I should have lived with this weirdness for life.

~~~

I can’t face him.

I can’t do it.

I can’t do it.

I can’t do it.

I can’t do it.

That’s what resonates in an endless loop in my head.

It’s not the first time. Every time that happens to me I have a heart that feels like it’s about to escape the rib cage, tense muscles, excessive sweating. It’s not normal to feel so uncomfortable when Miguel tries to talk to me. Every time. Time.

One thing I noticed in the leader of the Spider-society is wanting to maintain eye contact. An intense eye contact.

I just can’t look him in the eye; it creates an inexplicable discomfort. Today Miguel seems particularly whipped (as if he were not always, but who knows...), and my ears are wide open, listening precisely to what he says about the next mission, And how many teams we should split up to make the mission a success.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Of course I do..." I stutter, panicking. I’m afraid it might burst like a volcano. " Then why does it seem that I am talking to a wall rather than a person?" He heard a snort from Miguel. "I don’t have your attention on me. Listen to what I’m saying, Y/N, it’s extremely important".

"I’m listening to you, Miguel..."

"I don’t understand if it’s a joke or not." the leader replied with irritation "because I have everyone’s eyes on me, but not yours! And you know such behavior..."

"So how?" I snapped in self-defense, feeling myself called into question.

"It is disrespectful! And rude!" At that his accusation my eyes finally moved to see his. His face was tense, showing me how angry he was feeling at the time. But it wasn’t my intention.

I never do it on purpose.

Why can’t I be normal like the others?

Why can’t I even face him like everyone else?

Why do I look like such a disaster?

Miguel breathed a deep breath, pinching his nose trying to find his lost calm. I was already looking down. And our conversation ended badly.

The misunderstandings never end.

~~~

"I’m sorry, Miguel."

"Of course you’re sorry!"

"I didn’t want to be rude, I would never, especially to you, because I know you’re the lead-"

"THEN WHY DOES IT SEEM YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME?!"

"BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING OFF ABOUT ME! ALL RIGHT?"

Just one sentence.

One sentence from me to silence Miguel and his thoughts. A single sentence to make the tears begin to scratch my face, warm tears that I had kept inside and suppressed for who knows how long, with no intention of releasing them. Sobbing silently in front of the person I cared about the most was another kind of pain. Miguel had no qualms at the time as he approached me with caution, as if I were a helpless little animal, circling me with his mighty arms.

Gently.

A delicacy that seemed extraneous to me because I had always seen him in action, always brutal with his enemies, and to feel me caress the head with so much sweetness seemed strange to me.

"I didn’t mean to yell at you…" These were the words that left my lips, trying with all of myself to look at him, once again, in the eyes, but a greater strength, something contrasting prevented me from doing it altogether. I would never, ever understand why.

"I really wasn’t disrespecting you because by now you should know me well enough to know...and-and-maybe."

Miguel’s hands took me with firmness, but kindness, holding my cheeks, making our lips meet in a sweet and meaningful kiss. My cheeks began to blush.

I could smell Miguel’s strong smell on me, musk and vanilla combined, and how he pushed his lips to mine; he seemed to have no intention of ending that moment.

When our kiss came to an end, Miguel made sure to look at me with his cheeks flushed and his breathing laboured while my gaze wavered.

"LYLA..."

"LYLA..?" I raised an eyebrow. "We just kissed for what seems like an eternity, and the first thing you say... is LYLA?"

Miguel sighed. "No, I..." He rubbed his chin with need, then said, "LYLA has...noticed that you have unusual behaviour. Not that you’re weird, but..."

Just then, Miguel’s AI, Lyla, appeared on his shoulder, like a fake angel, smiling upwards. "Did you call me?"

"LYLA, please..." Miguel snorted, closing his eyes and taking another deep breath. When I saw that scene, I smiled.

"Okay, okay..." answered the AI, picketing Miguel’s cheek, too big for her hands. She then turned her gaze upon me, quickly dissolving from his shoulder and then appearing before my face. " Y/N, what Miguel wants to say to you, but he can’t say out loud because he’s afraid..."

"Don’t start this again..." Miguel’s voice sounded threatening, even though LYLA chuckled, "... is that I recently noticed patterns in your person. Something that makes me think you have a sensory disorder..."

Oh.

Oh, right. of course.

Suddenly, all pieces of the puzzle seemed to connect with each other. It was clear. The woman listed some of the things she had noticed over the months: my wanting to avoid food for the appearance or smell, the agitation in looking even for a moment in the eyes a person, little coordination, hypersensitive to some situations... This was a real problem for me, believing that I was a mistake modelled to take the form of a person, but LYLA wasn’t actually wrong. And maybe...

"I... I wish someone could help you get better." Miguel’s voice brought me back to reality.

"I want you to finally feel good about yourself. I want…I want to be there for you. I want to help you too."

And even though I kept avoiding his gaze, playing with my fingers, Miguel’s tone seemed sweet, sensitive to my situation. And I never would have said it, but then we started getting closer together, spending days, and the memories were etched in my mind forever. He encouraged me in my sessions with a specialist, trying to be present to most of them, waiting outside the waiting room patiently; at the end of each visit he asked me if he could take my hand, which I agreed, wondering how it went and other details. The results were noticed, even if by a little, they were noticed.

And Miguel…never abandoned me.

#marvel imagine #marvel x reader #miguel o'hara x reader #spiderman 2099 #miguel o hara x reader #miguel o'hara #miguel o hara #sfw #angst #miguel o hara x y/n #miguel O'Hara x gender neutral reader #gender neutral reader #artists on tumblr

[dark-konohagakure2]

can you write about hokage!naruto who's tired from all his responsabilities and asks for a cute shinobi to be trained so he can use her mouth as stress reliever every time he needs it!!

tw: dub/noncon, blowjobs, infidelity, power imbalance, praise, throat training, dildo gags, age difference, public humiliation

All characters depicted are 18+

Naruto has been under a lot of stress lately, being the Hokage is as difficult as ever, not to mention he recently got a new addition to his family in the form of an adopted son. Naruto's troubles seem to be never ending, so he decides to invest his resources into something he really needs: a stress toy.

Of course Naruto would never use Hinata as a stress reliever to suck him off all day, he loves her too much for that, so instead he has a slightly younger shinobi picked out and "trained", of course she doesn't know what the training entails before it's already too late and she has a dildo gag locked into her inexperienced mouth.

The training isn't too intense for the poor girl, and it only lasts a few weeks, but it is utterly humiliating. The gag is locked with a seal that won't release until she has completely lost her gag reflex, so sometimes she'll have no choice but to go out in public with the gag in, letting everyone in the village instantly know that she's the Hokage's new personal cockwarmer.

When her degrading training is finally finished, she'll be forced kindly asked to go to the Hokage's office to "assist" with his daily paperwork. Naruto himself is actually quite nervous about being sexual with someone other than Hinata, but it doesn't take him long to get very used to it.

"A-ah, fuck..! All that training really paid off didn't it..? Now just stay quiet, I still have all this paperwork to fill out, so you'll be down there a while..."

Despite his initial nervousness, Naruto quickly gets used to the feeling of having her warm, young mouth around his shaft, and she doesn't even gag anymore thanks to the training, which boosts his ego somewhat. The feeling of her mouth servicing him makes the endless paperwork much more bearable now.

Naruto also likes that he has the opportunity to be as rough as he wants with her. His wife is a delicate woman in the bedroom, so Naruto can use this well trained girl to fulfill his darker desires, like making her choke on his thick cock for hours on end.

Naruto will use her mouth like his personal cumdump, shooting his load into her mouth over and over again until he's satisfied. He's often too busy with work to have sex or masturbate, so the Hokage is very pent up and needs an outlet for his sexual frustrations.

On most days he isn't done with her "services" until the tail end of his day, since he can't resist how good her oral skills feel. Once he's finally done, Naruto will send her off, being sure to remind her of her job from now on.

"G-Good girl... I'm done all my work for today, so you're dismissed for today. I'll definitely see you again tomorrow..."

Naruto is very glad that he acquired something to make his job as Hokage both more bearable and pleasurable. While normally this would mean he can get his work done quicker, he's in no rush to go home when he has such a perfectly wet hole for his cock under his desk.

#naruto #naruto shippuden #boruto #naruto smut #naruto x reader #naruto headcanons #headcanon #reader insert #x reader #naruto uzumaki #naruto uzumaki x reader #hokage #hokage x reader

[gaylightisminetocommand]

wtf someone messaged me on insta saying thanks for the follow back and then asked to show me some of their art and i'm like 'idk why you're not posting it publicly instead but sure' so they did and like. they're decent enough, idc, that has nothing to do with it. i compliment their art and then immediately they're like 'would you like to commission me?' I respectfully say no, I'm not in a position to commission art at the moment, and they're like 'oh it's ok i'm having a sale at the moment, i can give you a discount to suit your budget'. I say thanks but I'm not looking to buy art at this time regardless. And then they're like, 'why not?' like wtf dude that's none of your business??? So I say in the nicest way possible that you don't just come into someone's dms and try and pressure them into buying art and they're like 'sorry, I'm just trying to do my best, I don't have much <3' my guy you are not the only struggling artist and making people feel uncomfortable is not how you gain clients wtf.

#i can totally respect that there are lots of underappreciated artists trying to make money #but that's not how you do it??? #i just felt so creeped out the entire time #like i didn't even know of this person until today #it was just a courtesy follow back like i usually do unless it's a private account or they post stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable #i didn't even interact first #it was like the online equivalent of a door-to-door salesman #and they're notorious for making people feel uncomfortable #and succeeding in selling absolutely jackshit #might just stay off insta for a few days #i've had a few people (complete strangers) barging into my dms and getting uncomfortably personal lately #god tumblr is so much cozier #insta's a fucking warzone #gaylight post

[zouisexo]

.

#ok i will say smth abt it bc im a little pissed hehe #and verito is not answering my texts so now u all have to hear it #im not self absorbed enough to believe i know what's best for phoebe or if she planned it or not or whatever #the way she announced it seems she's pretty excited so good for her #but honestly some of the takes i've seen on here... #people in their middle/late 20s calling this 19 year old girl an idiot #saying that she must not know the difference between her vagina and her urethra #that louis must be soo disappointed and that he didn't pay and expensive school for her to get pregnant (????????) #do u guys hear yourselves what the actual fuck #ofc teen pregnancy is an issue worldwide but is this really the hill you're gonna die on?? that it's all the girl's fault bc she's stupid?? #u sound like a 50 yo congressman wtf is the actual matter with you #people i've seen joking about how long until her bf leaves her... #i literally encourage u to seek help it is not normal to lack empathy in this way and to be so cruel to a person who has #literally done nothing to you #also louis can pay for whatever school he likes he still doesn't have the right to decide over his little sister's body?? do u guys #hear yourselves be so real with me rn #also how do u even know he's upset?? #tfw some of u think u know louis.. it's insane #i literally am in shock at some of the things i had to read today #i really hope you are not in any field where people come to you for help #especially girls especially young girls #you guys are insane lmao #that's all <33 #shut up laura

[whatsagirltoblogabout]

I'm at the conspiracy theory stage of my White Collar hyperfixation.

In the Season 3 premiere (3.01 On Guard), Neal's tie is sliced during a fencing match and he's forced to put on a new one at the WC office. He puts the new tie around his neck, but then takes a file out of the rack on his desk and moves it to a different part of the rack before starting to tie his tie. Does he have a mirror or something hidden in his file rack??? Was this established or hinted at somewhere else, either in the series or in behind the scenes content? And if there isn't a mirror, then WHY DID HE DO THAT???

#today's episode of 'losing my mind about white collar' is brought to you by me trying to figure out the timeline for the warehouse explosion #I still haven't figured it out to my satisfaction #but as far as I can piece together the warehouse explodes during the day then there's a gap in time until nightfall #Neal arrives home at night/evening to find the key and go to the warehouse with the treasure #and then ends up with Peter and Jones for the lie detector test? which took place for 5 hours overnight in some other warehouse? #and then immediately afterwards he goes to meet Sara at a bookstore without changing his clothes? #and then finally goes back to his loft and talks to Mozzie #still in the same clothes #i think??? #what happened in that afternoon gap after the explosion? #was it just cleanup and stuff? #what was Neal doing? #he says 'prove it' and then walks off all angry so I feel like he wouldn't have gone back to the office? but he didn't go home either? #or did he go home but Mozzie hadn't left the key yet but he didn't change his clothes and went back out again at some point? #like that seems overly convoluted #ha! overly convoluted. says the person thinking too hard about something that was probably just hand waved for plot reasons #eh whatever. I like overthinking. I'm having fun and that's what matters #also why did Peter and Jones do their interrogation so clandestinely #like I know Peter wanted it off the bureau's radar #haha radar - because 2.16 was called under the radar #anyways #why not at Neal's loft? why the warehouse? #like I acknowledge that the scene took place where and when it did for the *ambience* #however in-universe it puzzles me #but I'm also super oblivious and certainly not the sharpest tool in the shed so I might just be overlooking a really obvious solution #welp #white collar #episode 2.16 #episode 3.01

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Saying you can host Thanksgiving when you're the planner in your relationship and you work in a retail-adjacent career is really just digging your own grave.

#i did this to myself #my partner is southern-ish (don't tell him i said ish but he's from virginia it hardly counts his mom is from south carolina though) #and he's got the whole hospitality thing and he loves hosting stuff #so i was like yeah sure we can do thanksgiving here #because i want to make sure he feels like moving to my small hometown was worth it right #but also i forgot that he just is NOT good at planning things #which is weird because he is a project manager so it's all he does all day #also i've been sick for like 5 days now? so i didn't even pick up on the lack of a solid plan until today #i don't have time for this #it feels like i've been in meetings for two weeks getting everything for work set up #and now i also have to plan out this menu 2 days before the actual holiday because no one knows what's going on #listen he TRIES to do the planning he really does but he gets too excited and things spiral lol #personal

[arsenicflame]

well i think its finally time to open this box

#sorry gang apparently i am incapable of sticking to my word and am continuing to have a personality on main and subject you all #to all of my bullshit #i am doing my best but i am a weak bitch who does not know how to process feelings #so its a fucking miracle im opening this box tbh. ive wavered a lot around this one #this round of thinking is being brought on by the probable imminent break up between me + my gf 🙃👍 #its been on the cards for a hot minute i mean. she hasnt sent me a message since the 8th of march until today and its like a. #we need to talk message so. like im not surprised. ans ive been thinking about it all a lot recently #i dont really want to realise im aro while im with someone so ive been avoiding it but like. ive been thinking. and ive been thinking if we #shouod break up too anyway because like. i get i am so hard to be around. but nothing. for a month. even a silly picture. it hurts dude #but i kinda didn't want to push because. i know i am. me. and a lot. and i know shes got stuff on her plate. but so do i #maybe we're both no good #to be around #nyxtalks #this is very not helpful in my whole. everyone i love leaves me eventually so i should isolate myself and push them all away thing i guess #but i dont think. i want to cling. i dont wanna be that pathetic. #she can do better than me (i cant do better than her) #i mean. idk ive been questioning if im aro anyway so. idk #i dont fucking know #honestly this is gonna be so cringe if this isnt what she wanted to talk about but like. what else could it possibly be i guess #dude i am so sorry if you read this this turned into relationship vent rather than my feelings around aromanticism #those are.complicated enough for their own post and i probably need to talk to some actual aromantic people about that

[taegularities]

i'm hurt 🥲

#it's been 8 years and i still dream of my best friend who i was in love with in high school #last night was way too much though #like i met him again and replayed all the memories we had.. like dancing around in the rain #and since it was raining i told him to dance with me again even though it felt different #i knew he didn't feel shit for me bc he rejected me back in hs too but when i started talking about another guy he did NOT like it #and he admitted it... questioned me about him and then we kissed ??? #he told me to call him every now n then bc up until now it was always just him calling. like the jealousy was SO OBVIOUS #we kind of get together.. literally my 18 y/o's dream coming true like y'all i was SO IN LOVE WITH HIM LMAO #and then i ask him 'be honest did you feel something for me back in hs' and he just won't answer 🥲 keeps dodging the question... #suggests smth that sounds like a yes but then i woke up 😐 #i just wanted to let this out... idk it's crazy to me that even after all those years i still think of him #like if he approached me today and asked me out i just KNOW i'd give in. even though it's been almost a decade. i would definitely give in #first loves.. especially unrequited ones... leave an impact fr #my dream sounded like a fic i'd like to come true but well that's not how life works #anyways i'm just sentimental lol tdl ?? #personal

[dredshirtroberts]

it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such

#if i say it enough i will remember it's true #can you guess which aspect of capitalism i'm struggling with today? #it does not help my bones are somehow WORSE than yesterday even after all of the rest i took so that's Super Fun:tm: #so i've got that on in the back of my head #ugh #i... am putting off calling my grandma - i meant to do it last week but i got too in my head about it #and uno reversed myself into forgetting to do it at all until the Worst Times Possible #(generally around Normal Fuckin Meal Times) #i want to call to wish her a belated mother's day and check in re: grandpa but also... #also i don't want to have to do a phone call i don't want to talk to them about anything at all #they stress me out to talk to and it makes me super uncomfortable to be on the phone in general let alone with a Heavy Topic over our heads #like.... i'm comfortable with where i'm at acceptance-wise with Grandpa's whole situation #and i know i am late for a better relationship with the pair of them in general #like i'm not going to repair a relationship that wasn't built to collapse down to this point this is as far as it got built up to #i'm not building more relationship between me and someone who i know is passing soon when they didn't take the opportunity either #like they had just as much chance as me to improve our relationship after i became an adult and they chose to use my mother as #an intermediary which has stunted their connection to me and that's not my fault #i admittedly did not reach out but i was not taught i could safely do that to anyone #because my parents badmouth literally any person they know for one reason or another #i regularly fuck up in conversations with my grandparents because i'll say somethign that is a holdover from my understanding of them #through my parents and it's like. kind of really insulting! and i've been doing it my whole life and i know as soon as i get their reaction #and i can't recover because i don't actually know them at all #so i can't be like ''oh my god i know that's inaccurate i have no idea why i said that'' because i *don't* know until after i've done it #every goddamn time it happened the last time i got a call from them too #like... my bio fam/family of origin is just not good at keeping in touch and i know i'm a product of that #and i know theoretically how to adjust for it but it does require work on the other end of the line too #and unfortunately i know my bio family too well and know they won't do their part #i grew up in the group project everyone hates #and i'm on my way to deciding they can show up to the presentation day without me #i've started a new family project over here with blackjack and hookers

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: May 10

"The Ghosts of Beverly Drive” by Death Cab for Cutie

#song of the day #lovely rain today and exactly the right amount of cool and windy to get the smell of it in my room #spent my morning performing excel magic tricks for a /very/ appreciative audience I must say #one of my coworkers is very much in demand for help with identifying poorly-labeled fields in our oldest query structures #she's been around for a million billion years and can glance at a column and effortlessly expand its useless acronym title #I tapped her for a question and she was answering me on what I did not realize was an open zoom call in the conference room by her office #and then when she finished answering me she asked me for help with an excel formula in exchange #and I helped her (an easy fix. she is /not/ good at logic structures. always goes for OR when she needs AND and vice versa) #and then I was teasing her and said how she didn't have to hold onto her questions until she had something to barter with #that I like fixing things and I'll help for free #and then her laptop was physically wrenched around by another coworker farther down the table #(not as disorienting as actually being grabbed by the head and bodily turned but even over zoom it was still an Experience) #and the accosting coworker asked if that went for everybody. could anyone ask me for excel formula fixing help. please /please/ #and I was like yes? can't guarantee I can do anything but sure? how much help could you need? #y'all I gotta say. like battling an enthusiastic and especially unthreatening hydra. chibi excel hydra. #it was incredibly satisfying after so many days of intense frustration to have problems I could so easily solve and for such grateful folks #and some of their formulas were pretty fun to set up. always love the little glimpses of behind-the-scenes in special exceptions #any time you put in conditional formatting for if a single specific person's ID is in the 'comment entered by' cell #there's a story there #anyway I heard so many people say 'I don't know why' this morning and then it was such a perfect cool gray day #I've been humming Ghosts of Beverly Drive all evening #'I don't know why I don't know why / I return to the scenes of these crimes #where the hedgerows slowly wind / through the ghosts of Beverly Drive'

[anirudhpisharody]

.

#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much #it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with #i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown #friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any #close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it #would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely #i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with #other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too! #it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes #it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know #like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk #to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that #i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that #it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have #more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i #don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so #they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine #wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine #and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom #which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn #anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed #i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight #shut up hanna

[superfluouskeys]

godddddd wasting time and energy on things that don't fucking matter has got to be THE worst feeling

#personal #i felt super embarrassed in my korean lesson today #because I didn't have a lot of time the last couple of weeks and I was trying to resolve the situation w the other tutor #when i should have just cut my losses and bailed #and look i know i'm learning there's literally no reason to be embarrassed etc but i am insane so that's not an option LOL #i should have somehow already known the contents of the lesson and therefore not needed the lesson hope this helps #but actually it was like i spent what little time i had preparing for the other lesson that was stupid and pointless rather than this one #and that just made me feel :( you know #in fairness to me my mental health was circling the drain literally until 2 days ago #so the last couple of days have just been like *sweeps up the carnage of various mental breakdowns and other insane behavior* LOL #but idk just generally feeling frustrated with myself even tho that's not super helpful #also frustrated that stupid bullshit has been taking up way too much of my time and energy lately #and it seems like the more i try to get the stupid bs out of the way the more it just dominates my life somehow #also super helpful that my brain's natural response to this state of being is 'well maybe you can't do anything right and should die :)' #like okay ty for your input LOL #despite how this sounds actually my korean lesson was REALLY good LOL #it was so good I just like got upset about wasting time on other bs you know?? #anyway ty for coming to my nightly overshare i actually feel better now #love to shout into the void #exciting korean learning tag

[running-in-the-dark]

social interaction is so weird. I don't understand it.

at my birthday party yesterday, I just sort of sat there. and watched and listened. and occasionally responded to something someone said. my brother and my friend did most of the talking. it's easy for them, they just know what to say and/or they don't care how they seem to others. they just talked to everyone the whole time.

I don't know, it just feels pointless. I want to like it, I really do, but when there's more than maybe 2 or 3 people (maybe 4, depending who it is) I just feel like an animal trapped in a cage. it feels really bad. it's not fun, it's just stressful. even when I like everyone there and everything is completely fine.

and when everyone leaves I'm just so relieved. I always want to talk to people more, I miss the times when I saw my friends more often, but when I do see them I just want to leave. like, I don't know what to do about it. I did all the things my therapist told me when I was in therapy but it changed nothing. it doesn't feel like I have social anxiety (though yeah okay that too - but it's better now with meds), it's like they're speaking a different language that's sort of similar but I can't quite understand it. I really want to and I try to pretend I do but I can't and it sucks.

like, my therapist would always tell me I can do it, there's no reason to be afraid of social situations because I'm really good at them actually. but no, I was good at therapy because it was a short period of time, I knew the rules and what was expected of me, I knew the only other person there, and I just. lied all the time about everything so she wouldn't be angry with me. I was so afraid she'd think I'm just wrong that I still had to pretend I'm normal.

#I complain about this every time #but just. what do you do about it #practice never made it better. actually it made it worse because I was always exhausted from being around people so much #like when I was going to class every day and practicing everything my therapist said. didn't help. just made me even more tired #I don't know #at one point today I got so overwhelmed that I just thought right this isn't working let's just pretend to be eliot. I don't even know what #that means but I just. idk. being me doesn't work it's just not good enough #it's possible that I really am just autistic. I don't want to say that because I don't have a diagnosis but. idk I guess that's how it feels #I feel so out of place. I had to try so hard not to go get one of my dolls and brush their hair to calm myself down #but that'd be weird so I can't do that #so I just sit there and wait until it's over. and maybe occasionally look at some gifs on my phone. look it's okay my fictional people are #still in there I can still pretend I'm with them! #what the fuck is wrong with me? #personal

[mrsducky]

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#I hadn't seen my favorite kid at work since he started school and my schedule changed #it was only a week lol but I missed him so much. he's just very sweet and special to me !! #but I finally got to see him again yesterday #so before he went home I lifted him up into a big hug and for the first time I said 'do you know I love you?' #he simply answered 'yes!' before I let him down and he ran back to his dad #I didn't expect him to think much of it tbh? it was important to ME that I told him 'I love you' but #it didn't cross my mind that it would effect him at all #until today when he got off the bus and came directly to me with this tender look on his face and said #'Miss Faith I remember what you said to me yesterday 🥺' and hugged me tightly #and like...idk. but it was probably the most heartwarming experience I've ever had with anybody #afterwards he was very smug and told the other boys what I said lol and kept hugging me until he got picked up :') #I cant even articulate why but it just Got Me and now I'm emotional thinking about it phhss #anyways ignore me I'm journaling this so I remember it #personal