#lots of Real Madrid energy here

[ollieflopkins]

♋️ Cancers ♋️ we’re living

(Thank you copa_astral on twitter for making this and @kraeki for showing this to me, others are linked below the cut)

#world dominating 11 #cancer ♋️ #lots of Real Madrid energy here #too much imo

[pedriscroquettes]

the three times you said yes and the one time you didn’t – pedri

warnings: mentions of cheating, angst, sexual themes, and a broken hearted pedri.

word count: 5.4k

𝖎.

the confetti fell quickly from the sky, getting stuck in your hair as the pieces landed. the cheers from the fans filled up the atmosphere in the stadium and soon enough anna was tugging on your jersey. the number 8 creased as she tried to gain your attention, you slowly turned towards her. her mouth moved but your mind canceled out everything she said. it wasn’t until she stopped talking that you regain your composure.

“what?” you mumbled.

“are you okay?” she tilted her head to analyze your facial expressions.

“yeah, uhm, you know it’s just really loud in here.” you say motioning to all the fans that stood above them.

anna stared at you for a few moments hesitating on asking you another question. it wasn’t loud at all, she was able to listen to mikky’s conversation from the other end of the row. she decided against questioning you wondering that maybe you were just daydreaming.

“i said we can go to the pitch now to celebrate. can you help me with one of them?” she motioned towards her daughters.

“oh! yeah of course!” your old saddened expression quickly disappearing as your mind gained consciousness of what had just happened.

you were thankful that you had spent a lot of your free days with anna and her family so that when you picked up laura instead of crying out she simply clung out to you. as you walked down to the pitch where the team was celebrating you locked eyes with a certain midfielder. he immediately waved at you before offering you one of his iconic smiles. the same smile that had convinced you to move from tegueste to barcelona. the same smile that had once had you head over heels.

you offered him a weak smile before following anna to where her husband was. you carefully placed laura on the ground before congratulating robert on his win. you watched as the family celebrated, admiring the dynamic they had. they seemed so content, so in love.

“hey.” his voice makes you jump.

“hey, champion.” you turn around to face the team’s number 30.

“why aren’t you celebrating with the golden boy?” he asked, a little curious.

“well, i was on my way but you interrupted me.” you lied.

“yeah, okay” he laughed. “well i won’t keep you lovebirds separated. i’ll see you at the next game?”

“maybe.” you weakly smile. you lost the energy to offer your best fake smiles weeks ago.

“okay well bye.” he’s on his way to go bother alejandro when he pauses and turns around to face you again. “by the way, i like your new hair color.”

you freeze. gavi had been the first person to notice the slight change in your hair color. you had just wanted to retouch your hair accidentally grabbing the wrong color. you were thankful it was almost the same as your natural tone and no one had mentioned anything about it, until now.

you shake away your inner thoughts before heading to the other side of the pitch where your boyfriend and his family are. fer is the first to notice you immediately hugging you as soon as you’re ten feet away from him. his screams almost leave you deaf in the process. then it’s pedri who practically attacks you next, lifting you as he hugs you. you can’t help but laugh at the feel of his kisses all over your face.

“well, someone’s extremely happy.” you say as he lets you down gently.

“well, when you win a trophy, beat real madrid, and have the hottest girlfriend you’re allowed to celebrate aren’t you?” he wraps his arm around your waist bringing you closer to him.

“hmm… maybe you’re right.” you kiss him.

“i’m always right.” he leaves short quick kisses on your neck.

“hey, i was wondering maybe we could-”

“chico estrella! your turn with the trophy. give it to robert after.” dembélé instructed him before leaving.

“oh great.” he analyzed the trophy’s beauty before placing it on the ground in front of him. he took his phone out and gave it to you.

“hey babe, would you take a picture of me and my family with the trophy?” he asked you nicely.

you didn’t hesitate thinking he just wanted pictures with his family before taking some with you. but the moment never came, you didn’t even get to touch the trophy that night. you suppressed your feelings not wanting to cause a scene in front of his teammates or his parents. you watched around you as all the players took pictures with their wives or girlfriends and immediately your heart plundered but what felt worse was that none of his family members had asked you to be in any of the photos, not even fer.

after taking the trophy to robert pedri approached you once again. he pulled something out of the pocket of his jacket, a bracelet. the bracelet had three charms hanging from it. a football for the sport that united you both, a butterfly since it was your favorite animal, and the number 15. the day both of you had met. your sadness has been immediately replaced with shock and happiness.

“i was going to get you a promise ring but i didn’t wanna make it obvious by asking you your ring size so i got you this. it’s not much but-”

“not much? pedri this is beautiful.” you interrupted him.

“so, you will accept it?” he asked, trying to hide his smile.

“are you serious? yes, of course!” you hugged him. hugged him like you were both still the same two kids from the island.

too engrossed by the gift you don’t notice the pair of wandering eyes on you from a certain sevillan. his jaw slacks at the sight, at the gift he helped pedri pick out. although, he doesn’t admit it’s not the gift he’s mad about, it's you. he stares at both of you for a while longer before adverting his attention to the boys in front of him. apparently his name twin and alejandro are planning on visiting the local night clubs when they get back. he simply murmured a quick ‘ok’ to their invite before heading to the locker room not wanting to see anymore of you and pedri.

𝖎𝖎.

you don’t jolt or move when pedri walks off limping. you simply bite your nails, a bad habit of yours that anna can’t help but notice. she had been one of the few wags that had traveled to manchester to watch the game. she also notices how you’re not necessarily worried but rather anxious. initially she believes you’re just in shock over pedri’s injury but as the game continues and you don’t ask about him once she realizes that something might be going on.

“hey, are you okay?” she holds your hand.

“hmm?” you ask her to repeat not hearing her the first time.

“i asked if you’re okay?” she asks more concerned than the first time.

“oh! uhm, yeah just you know a bit upset about pedri’s injury is all.” you try your best to convince her of your lie.

“we can leave if you want? the game is almost over plus we’d get to miss the traffic on the way out.” she suggests.

“no! it’s fine anna really.” you insist.

unfortunately for you she doesn’t buy it and you’re currently watching the second half from the tv in your hotel room. she had insisted on staying with you until the guys came back and who were you to deny her? she had been there for you since she had arrived to barcelona. you liked the other wags but anna had made you feel more welcomed than anyone else despite her arriving after you.

“so, are you going to tell me how you really feel?” she poured some tea into a mug before handing it to you.

“i’m sorry i don’t-” you scratched your eyebrow. “i don’t know what you’re talking about?”

she put her mug down on the nightstand before placing her hands above yours, squeezing them. she gave you an empathetic smile, one that made you feel comfortable. she made you feel safe.

“have you noticed that you always muffle all the surrounding noise when we’re at a game? if there’s something going on you can tell me. i’m your friend.” she assured you.

“it’s just- i- if i tell you, you won’t judge me?” you hesitated.

“well, yes we’re friends and i’m worried about you.” she answered.

“when pedri got injured earlier i felt bad for football player pedri but not my boyfriend pedri. i know it sounds horrible but i think… i don’t know.” your voice went flat at the end. you say there regretting saying what you had just said.

“do you love him?” anna’s question took you by surprise.

“obviously! whenever he leaves for practice i miss him. i miss our late night talks, our midnight runs to the park, and-” you paused. the words caught in your throat as soon as you realized you were describing the pedri you had initially moved to barcelona with. not the pedri from now.

“well it’s obvious you love him but are you in love with him?” this time anna was staring at you intently studying your facial expressions once again. you were starting to think that in another life she could’ve been a therapist.

you focus on her question. you couldn’t even come up with an answer that involved the word yes. your stomach churns and all of a sudden you feel nauseous. you try to remember the brown eyes that once comforted you but the ones your minds visions aren’t pedri’s. the guilt of thinking of someone else at the moment starts forming and soon you believe yourself to be the worst person alive. pedri had sacrificed so much for you and your family and you weren’t even sure if you loved him anymore.

what’s worse is that you didn’t even associate the color brown with him anymore.

“i don’t know.” as soon as the words come out of your mouth the pole embraces you. she hugs you close and for a second you feel comfort between the chaos. you feel okay.

that is until you pull away and feel the urge to be honest with her.

“anna, i think- i- i think there’s someone e-” you don’t finish your sentence because soon the door opens and you’re met with a bandaged pedri.

you quickly stand up to greet him, wiping away any forming tears in the process. he offers you a weak smile before groaning at the pain that surged through his leg. without thinking twice you wrap his right arm around your neck before helping him on the bed.

“oh, hey anna!” he greats the older woman once he notices her sitting on the couch.

“hey, pedri. you doing okay?” she motions towards his injury.

“yeah, hurts and i’ll probably be out for a month but you know nothing serious.” he answers. “by the way, robert is still at the stadium with the rest of the players.”

“oh thanks. i’ll be on my way now.” she stands up grabbing her bag before stopping in front of you. “don’t forget to call me or stop by whenever you can.”

“i will don’t worry. see you later.” you walk her out before making pedri a cup of tea as well.

you place the warm cup of tea on the nightstand within his reach before laying down next to him. he murmurs a quick ‘gracias’ before taking a sip of the chamomile tea the hotel provided. you turn to face him studying his facial features. he looks awfully calm after limping off the pitch in pain. you gently place your head over his chest, the sound of his heartbeat filling your ears. he placed his tea back on the nightstand before wrapping his arm around your waist pulling you in closer.

you close your eyes at the close proximity not wanting to cry in front of him. he was so oblivious to it all, to your true feelings and you felt horrible for it. you almost started to pinpoint the moment where the butterflies that once filled your stomach stopped existing but not wanting to alarm the player under you, you quickly shook away that thought. you soon feel his hand rubbing down your back. for a moment you forget about your inner crisis before finding shelter in his body.

“do you remember back in the islands when you told me about how much you wanted to spend the summer in biarritz?” his slow charming voice caught your attention.

“yeah every time we walked by the pier i always annoyed you about it.” you laughed thinking about the old memory

“well if you’re still obsessed with going, i found a house right by the coast we could stay at. what do you say?” he looked down to see your reaction.

“pedri gonzález obviously i’m gonna say yes! maybe we could pass by san sebastián oh and that one restaurant i told you about.” as you kept going on and on about the many wonders near the french town pedri could only laugh at your extensive knowledge.

“where would i be without you?” he kissed your forehead.

‘probably with your actual soulmate.’ is the first thing to form in your mind.

“probably with pablo getting drunk as fuck with your hangover being all over the tabloids.” is what you say instead.

he laughs and doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the night. while his soft snores fill the air you can’t seem to fall asleep and soon your thoughts betray you. you start thinking about the other midfielder with brown eyes. you try to think of anything else but you can only remember how he had been the only one to notice the slight change in your hair and soon enough your mind is flooded with memories of the intense player. the way he would talk yo you at parties when pedri left you to talk to his friends, when he offered to drive you home whenever pedri stayed after to practice extra drills, and the way his smile was contagious.

you grabbed your phone not hesitating on hitting the follow back button before quickly turning it off again.

𝖎𝖎𝖎.

coldplay blasted through the stadium filling the atmosphere with a surreal feeling. although the team had lost tonight the fans were screaming and applauding their team because the league was finally theirs again. as the fans around you started singing along to viva la vida you made your way to the pitch alongside anna. you hardly ever interacted with any of the other wags anymore only finding solace in the polish fitness trainer.

you had barely made it on the pitch when she pulled you close to her. both of you paused your movements as she started speaking to you trying to be discreet.

“i know you’re going through something and you know i have your back but there are cameras everywhere and the last thing i want is the fans crucifying you because you looked at pedri the wrong way.” she covered her mouth in case anyone was recording her.

“yeah, okay. thanks.” you squeezed her hand before making your way towards pedri and his family.

you were almost near fer when you felt someone’s hand on your waist, instinctively you jolted at the unexpected contact. you immediately turned around to come face to face with the player you had been trying to avoid for the past couple of months. your efforts unfortunately failed each time because pedri couldn’t live without his teammate. you had always joked he’d leave you one day to marry the shorter midfielder. now you just cringed every time you thought about it.

“sorry i didn’t mean to scare you.” gavi scratched his neck suddenly nervous in front of you.

“no, it’s fine i just didn’t see you coming.” you paused looking around. “congrats by the way on the title.”

“why do you do that?” his sudden question making you look up at him.

“what do you mean?” you bit your lip at his question.

“look anywhere else but me whenever we talk? am i that ugly to look at?” he jokes laughing at his own joke.

“that’s the problem. you’re not ugly at all.” you once again break eye contact again as his laughter halts. you step back as soon as the words you’ve said sink in. you’ve messed up, badly

“i’ll see you around pablo, I’ve gotta go find pedri. goodbye.” is all you can muster before walking towards the canarian.

the canarian greets you with a comforting smile while fer hugs you immediately as he noticed your presence. his parents do the same as the older brother and hug you before flooding pedri with more compliments. each one adorns the flag of the canary islands and tegueste, it’s an endearing sight. except for you. it’s a heartbreaking sight because you simply don’t feel the same way as they do. obviously you’re happy for pedri, you immediately remember the younger version of him pedro who just wanted school to end so he could head straight to the field to play. but the guilt of not loving him romantically anymore starts consuming you and you can’t even try and fake your smile any longer.

this time pedri does ask you to be in the photos. the first one you take is with him and his family, the next is one of pedri and you with the trophy, and finally the last one is of you alone. pedri smiles widely as he snaps a photo of his beloved with the trophy. he mentions something about making the picture his lockscreen but you hardly pay attention to him when a certain brunette makes his way towards the two of you. you immediately start internally panicking wondering why he was making his way towards the two of you.

“pablo! hermano!” pedri greets his friend with a hug.

the two of them begin a conversation but you hardly pay attention deciding to muffle out their conversation. instead you focus your attention on the surrounding families. your focus landed on andreas and katrine and their son. you admired their dynamic from afar envious of how happy they seemed. just a couple of months ago you had envisioned that life for you and pedri and now you couldn’t even imagine it. your thoughts are interrupted by pedri calling your name.

“babe, can you take some pictures of gavi and i with the trophy?” he innocently asks you meanwhile his teammate just stares at you intently.

“yeah just move over to the right so ale’s family doesn’t come out in the back.” you respond.

the boys make you take about ten photos with each of their phones and initially you don’t have a problem with the close proximity between you and gavi. that is until you’re reviewing the photos you took on his phone and he scoots closer to you.

“we need to talk.” he randomly says as he continues to scroll towards the pic, favoriting the ones he liked.

“no, we really don’t.” you respond curtly.

“yes, we do i think i-” his words are interrupted by your boyfriend.

“babe, i know our trip to biarritz was supposed to be just us but is it fine if gavi and robert’s family joined us as well? come on! you love anna! it’ll be fun!” he tries to convince you.

you stare at him in disbelief. the one trip that you hoped that could salvage your sinking relationship ruined but you had been anticipating this trip since you were ten and wouldn’t let it slip away from you so easily.

“yes, sure it’s fine.” you respond.

that night when pedri leaves a trail of kisses from your neck to your stomach it’s not his mouth you envision. when he leaves hickeys around your whole body it’s not his name on the tip of your tongue. most importantly when you lock eyes with him as he fills you up it’s not his brown eyes you see and for that you let out a couple of tears.

you should’ve never left tegueste.

𝖎𝖛.

laura clings onto your leg as the lady in the store asks her how old she is. the youngest lewandowska has clung on to you since they arrived at biarritz one day after you and pedri. eventually, the lady just apologizes for scaring her before leaving the store. it isn’t till you tell her that the lady is gone until you feel her grip on your leg loosen and soon enough she’s standing right in front of you.

“come on, let’s go with your mom.” you stretch your hand out to her to which she immediately grabs as you walk out the store.

anna’s face immediately lights up at the sight of her daughter making her way towards her. the brunette is sitting alongside her husband while pedri is sitting at the other end of the table patiently waiting for you. as you sit down you notice the empty chair across from you. at first you ignore it but as pedri hands out the menus and puts one in the empty space you sit up straight.

“is someone else joining us?” you ask your boyfriend.

“gavi got here last night and i invited him over for lunch.” he says as his eyes scan the menu. he doesn’t know whether to try the lobster tail or the shrimp skillets.

while pedri debates what seafood delicacy he wants to savor, your appetite vanishes. you had forgotten the other barça player would be joining the rest of you on your trip and suddenly you feel the walls of the seaside restaurant caving in on you. you quickly stand up ignoring the look your boyfriend gave you and made your way towards the other end of the table. anna is too busy translating the menu for her younger daughters to notice you until you clear your throat.

“sorry to interrupt anna but can you go to the bathroom with me? i think i have a makeup smudge.” you lie.

“yeah, hold on.” she hands the menu to robert. “robert, i’ll be back just help the girls with their orders.”

“the bathroom isn’t too far from the table you’ve been seated at so it doesn't take long to arrive. as soon as anna closes the door you let out a sigh of relief you don’t know you’ve been holding. anxiety starts to build up inside of you and soon enough you’re pacing around the small room. anna steps in front of you grabbing your hands.

“hey, what’s wrong?” she makes eye contact with you. she tries her best to calm you down but you can’t help the tears that start forming.

“anna i think- no. i’m in love with someone else. well maybe not in love but what i feel for him isn’t platonic anymore.” you finally spill out. the confession is surprising. you shock yourself as you finally admit how you feel about the midfielder.

“anymore? don’t tell me it’s-” she looks at you for confirmation and you just nod your head. “you haven’t done anything with him yet, right?”

“no, no i wouldn’t do that to pedri. i don’t even think gavi knows how i feel. it just happened so suddenly, i’m such a horrible person what the fuck.” you’re downright sobbing now too disgusted at yourself.

“no, don’t say that. we can’t control what we feel. what matters right now is that you don’t act on your true feelings. you’re still with pedri and until you break up with him you can’t act on those emotions.” she tries her best to sympathize with you.

you simply nod, grabbing the napkins near the sink to clean yourself up. you’re thankful you’re wearing waterproof mascara or else you’d look even more bad then you do right now. you start surprising your feelings, something you wouldn’t wish on anyone, and pick up your shoulders. as soon as you feel stable enough, anna leaves you, you stay behind for a couple of minutes before composing yourself again and head out the door.

you don’t plan your exit well because you crash into a much stronger build as you walk out the bathroom. you’re about to apologize when you realize who you’ve just rammed into. his brown eyes bore into yours and once again you feel like you’re on the pitch and it’s just the two of you. you step back not wanting to invade his personal space any longer. he immediately pauses his movements and both of you just stare at each other.

“pablo…” is all your voice can say.

“never thought you’d talk to me again.” he jokes.

“well, i just didn’t think we’d see each other again.” you look down at your feet once again not being able to look at him.

“what do you mean?” he questions you.

“i’m gonna go back to the islands. i don’t plan on coming back for a while, at least i don’t think i will. barcelona isn’t for me, a beautiful town but i can’t be there any longer.” you over share

“i don’t think pedri will be very happy about that. he’s okay with long distance?” he asks genuinely curious about the ordeal.

“pedri won’t have any thoughts on that because i’m breaking up with him.” you confess surprised at your own actions. you had never been so upfront before.

“oh.” his smile he once displayed completely vanished at your words.

“yeah, well i’ll see you at the table.” you’re about to leave but he grabs your wrist lightly so he doesn’t hurt you.

“wait, we need to talk about what you said at the game. i haven’t stopped thinking about it.” he confesses.

“pablo, isn’t it obvious?”

“no? i quite frankly haven’t stopped thinking about what you told me or you in general. i need to- i- i need to know if you feel what i feel.” he stutters trying to explain himself.

“pablo, i’m moving back to tegueste because every time i look at pedri he isn’t you and i hate that i feel that way.” you’re on the brink of crying again. “it’s better if i leave.”

you start walking back to your table when you hear footsteps behind you. gavi was running after you do you increase your speed and soon enough your table is in sight. you’re halfway there when you notice fer and his parents at the table and soon the footsteps that were once chasing you stop. you furrow your eyebrows at the sudden intrusion of your in-laws. you’re too confused at the situation you don’t notice anna’s eyes of panic.

you’re about to sit down when you feel a tap on your shoulder and you’re met with your parents. claps, cheers, and conversations start to fill the atmosphere but you do what you do best. muffle everything around you. you start to panic hoping that whatever you’re thinking isn’t what’s going on. you quickly hug your parents and pedri’s as well. you turn around to face him and sure enough he has a huge grin on his face.

a few minutes pass and soon enough pedri is the only one standing up. you’re really hoping he’s just making a speech about gathering all his loved ones. your mind starts panicking and your eyes make their way down his body to his short pockets. surely enough his left pocket is full. your mind short circuits then and you make eye contact with anna you hope she understands the question you’re asking her with your eyes. your pleading eyes. she simply shrugs.

“…and to my girlfriend who’s sacrificed so much for me. can you believe she left tegueste for me? i wouldn’t have asked for a better partner. you’ve done so much for me and you keep me stable so,” he starts kneeling on one leg and you feel as if you’re going to throw up.

“no, no, pedri stand up. no, no. stop.” you whisper at him but it’s too late. he’s taken the box out of his pocket and a diamond ring is staring at you. no, the ring is threatening you to say yes.

“will you marry me?” the restaurant is full with cheers and applauses.

you stand up being unable to move or respond. the glares of everyone make you feel horrible, you can’t bring yourself to say yes. you can’t say yes. you have to be selfish for once, do what your heart desires. this isn’t about pedri anymore you decide and soon enough the pressure is too much and you start crying. you look at pedri’s face of realization after you’ve taken more than a minute to respond and you feel like breaking down.

“pedri i can’t.” the box snaps shut as soon as you reply and he walks away.

you can’t help but chase after him not realizing gavi, anna, pedri’s parents, and your parents are following the two of you. you call out his name multiple times to which he initially ignored until you’ve all reached a balcony and he pauses. he turns around to look at you, tears welling up in his eyes as they did in yours.

“why?” he sobs out.

“pedri we can do this in private please.” you beg him.

“no, you can answer me honestly in public like how you rejected me publicly a couple of minutes ago.” his tone changes and you don’t recognize the pedri you’re talking to.

“pedri, please.” you cry.

“i spent months planning this hoping you’d say yes. i thought you’d say yes, that we would start a family in a couple of years, settle down and this whole time you’ve been playing me.” he chokes out.

“no, pedri it’s not like that. i just-”

“you just what? fell out of love with me overnight? i have loved you since we were teenagers on that pier back home. what happened, what changed?” his sadness hurts you and you feel even worse than you already do.

“pedri please, i can tell you everything but not here, not in front of everyone.” you beg him.

“no, please enlighten us.” he pauses. “i should’ve never turned down isa for you. she probably would’ve said yes.”

you flinch at the mention of his ex. not once had he compared you to her until now. your feelings changed and now you only looked at pedri with resentment.

“okay! you wanna know what went wrong? i don’t love you anymore. i like someone else.” you finally let out.

you hear as his mom gasps in the background but quite frankly you don’t care. you hadn’t been unloyal to him at all, you had no reason to feel bad except for rejecting him in front of everyone else.

“who?” he asks and eventually he raises his voice as you don’t answer him. “who?”

“it doesn't matter-” you start before you’re interrupted.

“no, it does, who is it? who are you leaving me for?” he demands to know who you’re talking about.

“pedri hermano come on it’s been a rough afternoon. there’s cameras everywhe-”

“stay out of this gav- fuck it’s you isn’t it?” he turns around to confront his teammate.

“pedri, what are you-”

“all those times you gave her a ride home what were you actually doing? hm? to think we were brothers.” pedri scoffs.

“i never cheated on you. i wouldn’t do that to you.” you yell at pedri.

“bullshit. is he better than me in bed? what was it that got you hooked? his dick? did he fuck you better-” he doesn’t get to finish because you slap him. his cheek turns pink in seconds.

“i may be horrible for not telling you earlier that i didn’t love you but not once did i sleep with someone else. i would never do that to you but i wish that i would’ve.” is all you can say before walking away.

you’re almost out of sight when you decide to turn around and face the man you once loved. the man you once hoped would be the father of your children.

“by the way, yes it is gavi. he’s twice the man you are.” you insult him one last time as you walk away.

it’s not until you’re in the parking lot that you break down completely. pedri’s words haunt you and you can’t help regret the awful words you said to him. you lean against the window of your car as you drown in sorrow. you hate yourself but most importantly you hated those innocent brown eyes. the ones that enchanted you every time.

#the ending wasn’t exactly what i wanted but yk it works #worked three days on this which isn’t much but i managed to write 5k words so … #pedri imagine #pedri x reader #football imagine #ash writes

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Away From Her Goalie - Clàudia Pina x Reader

A/n: next part in the Score A Goalie universe... enjoy! next one will take a while, it requires research:)

///

The UWCL final in Eindhoven was here. Barcelona versus Wolfsburg. Clàudia on the pitch, you watching from the stands. You hadn’t felt so anxious about a match since the Copa De La Reina final, Atleti against Real Madrid, a match that went from 2-0 up to Real Madrid to Atleti bringing it to 2-2, through extra time and into penalties. Atleti came out on top and you were unashamed to admit that you had shed tears of joy over Atleti’s victory.

You had spent your time after the league finished organising the stuff you had brought to Barcelona back in January, trying to fit what you needed for your plans after the final.

Both sets of plans, as Clàudia planned to help you with your move, before the two of you went on a small holiday to serve as a break for you before you were thrown into training for the NWSL with NJ/NY Gotham FC, a club in need of a strong goalie to maintain their position at number 1 in the table.

It was hard, but you no longer had your apartment in Madrid, moving your things into storage that you did want to keep, but selling a lot. Clàudia was keeping some of your stuff for your return to Barcelona, the plans being after the NWSL season was done in November, you would be able to visit whilst Atleti and Gotham sorted out the post-NWSL training you could do before the winter transfer window in January.

But your career wasn’t the focus right now, as you sat in the stands of the Philips Stadium, in Eindhoven, waiting. Pina was on the bench but the stadium energy was electric.

Wolfsburg may have scored two goals first, but you couldn’t help but think about the Copa De La Reina final, Atleti were two goals down before bringing it up to 2-2, taking it to penalties after extra time where Atleti won.

You did not want it to go to penalties.

The second half was different and you could feel it, Patri sending the ball into the net to take it to 2-1, then two minutes later, Patri sent the ball in again, the score going to 2-2. Rolfö eventually making it 3-2 but later shots were going wide.

Pina was finally subbed on for Mariona in the 79th minute, while Ana was subbed on for Caro at the same time.

You grimaced as Wilms fouled Pina, but it wasn’t long after that Wilms was subbed off. A clash between Bronze and Popp had all the attention on the sidelines however, as Ingrid and Alexia prepared to be subbed onto the pitch at the 89th minute. 7 minutes of stoppage time were added, your stomach twisting as you leaned forwards in your seat, watching carefully.

Popp and Paredes ended up with yellow cards after a collision almost looked like it would turn into a fight on the pitch, Alexia and Ingrid having been subbed on minutes before the seven minutes of stoppage time arrived. Tackles flew in with players dropping like flies and you couldn’t stop grimacing.

Eventually the minutes ran out, Barcelona being crowned champions of Europe as Queen’s We Are The Champions played across the stadium, the team swaying and Pina rocking the trophy like it was a baby.

She spotted you in the stands, grinning and waving as you waved back, jumping up and down in celebration.

///

The UWCL final was a flashbulb memory in your mind, and your fiancee’s as you sorted out your suitcases, the flight across the Atlantic amounting to more than 8 hours in the air, with Patri driving you two to the Barcelona airport.

“I will miss you, but I will miss your pancakes more.” Patri declared as she watched you travel with double the amount of suitcases as Pina, but the reasoning made sense.

You were moving countries for your career, your fiancee was helping you settle in first, but you were allowed a break before going head on into the NWSL.

A break that you were spending with Pina, visiting someone you hadn’t seen in almost a year. Jenni Hermoso, who currently resides in Mexico to play for Pachuca in the Liga MX Femenil.

Arriving at JFK airport, Pina pulled up her hood, whilst you dug through your backpack, eventually finding a pair of sunglasses and putting them on to obscure your face.

“Where do we go?”

“I was emailed instructions… we need to get the subway to…” you paused, looking between your suitcases, to your large backpack balanced on one of them, to Pina’s luggage, “we’re taking suitcases on the subway… great start.”

“So we go from central station and get a connecting train to New Jersey…” You went over the instructions, passing Pina your sunglasses as you found your hat, almost amused at the Atleti logo on it but you were pretty sure someone had recognised you both whilst on the subway already.

///

“This should be it. The club arranged something close to the subway so I could get around without a car.” You explained, putting the key in the lock and almost celebrating when it turned and opened the door.

Wheeling all the suitcases inside, you headed over to the windows as you heard your fiancee speak, “es pequeño,” as she locked the door behind you both.

“Un poco,” agreeing with her, but it was a studio apartment with a tiny kitchen and windows that let in a lot of natural light, the view of the city presenting the hustle and bustle of New Jersey as you gazed out at the busy road full of cars.

“It feels very… New York, New Jersey… I don’t see a bat signal though.” You joked, peeking through the blinds like you were looking for a way to summon Batman.

“Gotham.” Pina rolled her eyes playfully as she snickered at your joke, walking over to the window to have a look.

“Suppose I should unpack something. Can’t leave it all until I’m back from Mexico and you’re on a flight… back to Barcelona.” Meeting your fiancee’s sad gaze, you held back your emotions as she reached for your hand.

“What am I doing? Moving nearly forty thousand miles away from you for a few months in the hopes my goalkeeper career isn’t just sitting on a bench until I retire then get stuck trying to become a goalkeeper coach? I’m sorry, you deserve better.”

“No. I deserve you. We deserve each other, and we both deserve play time, but I want you too.” Pina declared, her hand cupping your cheek as your face softened from where it was scrunched up in sadness, trying to hold the tears back.

“I want you too, and I want to play minutes. You are the only person who has put me first in a long time. You’re it for me, mi vida, our souls are together, even when our bodies are so far apart. I want to come back to you, marry you, and never leave you again, unless you don’t want that-”

“I choose you, remember? And our bodies are not apart yet.” Pina smirked, leaning in to press her lips against yours, before pulling away as you smiled.

“You’re right. In fact, I think our bodies could be a little closer.”

///

It took a little while to get your stuff unpacked, the two of you heading back out to travel from Hoboken and ending up in Greenwich Village, Lower Manhattan.

“I’m sorry you’re missing Ibiza this year.” You apologised over dinner/lunch (the timezone difference threw you two off), but your fiancee shook her head, pointing out that she was getting to spend time with her fiancee, in a new city before heading to another new city for a few days and seeing Jenni again after so long.

“I missed you in New York last winter.” Pina rationalised, smiling at you, before avoiding eye contact with whoever was behind you as the two of you were recognised.

“When do Atleti and Gotham announce your loan? People are recognising us from Barcelona.”

///

The flight to Mexico was nowhere near as long as the Transatlantic flight from Barcelona, the two of you bringing a lot less luggage too as you both looked to find Jenni and whoever she had brought with her to pick you both up from arrivals.

“¡Hola mis bebés!” Jenni cheered, pulling you both into a hug when she spotted the two of you approaching.

///

Your time in Mexico came and went, revealing the engagement to Jenni and how you were going to be on loan to NJ/NY Gotham until the end of the 2023 NWSL season. Jenni’s reaction included how you did not ask for her blessing, before she was congratulating you both and hugging you for taking a big step in your goalkeeping career.

Now you were staring out of your tiny studio apartment’s windows, watching the sun rise and trying to hype yourself up on your first day with Gotham.

///

Atleti and Gotham posted their posts first. Atleti revealed you had been sent on loan to NJ/NY Gotham for the rest of the 2023 NWSL season with good luck.

Gotham was a little more excited for you, using a photo array of shadows to tease your arrival, the shadows even resembled Batman before the final reveal of you in the Gotham goalie kit, the shadows made to look like the Bat Signal through the use of the spotlights during the photography session.

You were the next one to post, announcing your loan with a repost of the photo of you in the Gotham kit, with Bat Signal shining onto the dark background behind you, followed by photos of New York and New Jersey you had saved from when you and Pina were exploring around the two states.

Your previous posts consisted of photos of you and Pina hanging out with Jenni in Mexico, throwing people off online who thought everyone would be going to Ibiza, whilst leaving fans speculating as your engagement rings were spotted in one of the photos.

‘Sorry I’m not Batman, but I’m here to protect Gotham.’ Your caption was cheesy, especially with the bat emojis that Pina copied into her comment, along with a heart and flame emoji reminding you of the early days in your relationship.

///

#woso x reader #woso imagine #claudia pina x reader #claudia pina imagine #barcelona femeni x reader #barcelona femeni imagines #barcelona femeni imagine #atletico madrid x reader #atletico madrid imagine #atletico madrid imagines #woso imagines #claudia pina imagines

[cheesybadgers]

okay soooo tell me your favorite thing about writing the epic beast that is OHDH. i want the directors cut lol

Ahhh Alex, bless you and thank you for sending this question ❤️😘

And oh boy, where do I start?!! It’s hard to pick just one, so here are three main things:

1) I think one of the trickiest yet most satisfying parts of the process was figuring out a) how any canon divergence made sense for the characters and their motivations and b) what the impact of those changes were on future canon events. It was such a fine balancing act and I had a lot of lightbulb moments in the shower (I swear my shower is some sort of creativity portal lol) solving plot problems. I had someone comment on AO3 saying how much they liked the ‘butterfly effect’ of the canon divergence and that sums it up so well, because one change at the start of the fic has a domino effect on everything else.

Sort of linking on from this, I also had so much fun making characters interact who never met in canon, or only had very minimal screen time together. Horacio and Chucho obviously never meet in the show, but their paths crossing in OHDH led to a whole new subplot and ultimately helped shape the ending of the fic. I wanted this to be a transformative work rather than a re-hash of canon, so if I achieved anything, I think it’s safe to say I achieved that!

2) I was also surprised how much I immersed myself in fic research, more so than I ever did for my degree back at university 😂 I knew I was going to have to do some research when the story got to a certain point, but I just kept falling down different rabbit holes and it expanded my reading list in all sorts of directions I wasn’t expecting. It got me back into the habit of reading books too, which I’m embarrassed to say I hadn’t done much of in recent years. But knowing I needed to read X or Y in order to progress with a certain scene or chapter was great motivation.

I must confess, my knowledge of Colombian history wasn’t great before (it’s not something the British education system covers), but my reading actually made me question and challenge the source material in ways I hadn’t before. So, shipping might be considered just shoving two characters together like dolls, but hey, at least I learnt some history along the way lol.

3) Getting to make up a tonne of backstory (especially for Horacio, who is a bit of a blank slate in canon) and create OCs. I’d never created proper OCs before this fic, so it was fun building them around the main pairing, giving them their own personalities and histories but also letting them affect the story. I think the different locations throughout the fic were like OCs of their own too (I’ve been contemplating a holiday to Madrid since I wrote the chapters set there lol), so the world building aspect of it was a fun learning experience too, and not something that came naturally to me at the start.

I’m sure there are so many more things! I will also say it’s been the steepest of learning curves re: my writing skills as well. I’m probably not even consciously aware of everything I’ve learnt, but going back to earlier chapters has been difficult, because I was obviously much more inexperienced back then lol. The urge to do re-edits has been real, but I don’t think I have the energy for that right now (and it was posted as a WIP, so by its nature it’s going to show the progress of my writing from start to finish).

Back in 2020/2021, I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone (I think it was around a time during the pandemic when I realised how uninspiring my day job is and how little motivation I have for it anymore, so pursuing creative hobbies away from it seemed like a better use of my time), and it's safe to say I managed that with this behemoth 😂 It's been a huge journey of self-discovery and realising what I'm capable of. Fic used to be something I thought only other people wrote, so there were times I'd pull a metaphor or certain phrasing out of thin air and laugh at my laptop in shock, because I didn't think I had it in me to be poetic lol.

So, my advice to anyone reluctant to start a creative project because they don't feel skilled enough, please, please, please do it anyway. Seriously. Because you will muddle through, learn so much along the way and surprise yourself ❤️

Ok that was a bit of a ramble, but you did say director’s cut, so here we are 😂 Thank you once again for sending this, I've been in such a reflective and bittersweet mood since finishing, so it's nice to focus purely on the positive aspects of the experience 😘

#Ask #Asks #Replies #OHDH

[willinglyghoulified]

3, 9, 17, & 45 for the courier asks?

Thanks so much for the asks! I literally cannot get enough of talking about my lil blorbos. I don't give Dorothy (NV) half as much attention as I give Gwenora (4), so it's nice to talk about her.

3 - Melee, guns, energy weapons, or unarmed?

As for me personally: Guns all the wayyyyyyyy. Idk what it is about NV, but I love the guns. Maybe it's because of the cowboy repeaters, varment rifles, and magnums. Really gives it that western feel. Also, the sniper rifles were good as hell. But as for my headcanon courier, she prefers her magnum. It was a gift and has a lot of significance, too.

9 - Gender / sexuality / ethnicity / species / etc.?

My courier, Dorothy Vargas, is female and is canonically bisexual, though she doesn't discuss this much. She grew up in the Casa Madrid apartments where there were cheap prostitutes, and she didn't have any real role models for half of her life. Sex, booze, chems, cigarettes, and gambling kind of became a part of her life, and she experimented with everything in her teens and early twenties, including her violent tendencies. She doesn't talk about her sexual activities a lot, but she has been known to flirt her way through situations where she knew violence wouldn't do the trick regardless of gender. She winds up with Boone, though, because even though they only teamed up to kick Legion ass together, she found that she really enjoyed someone caring about her well-being. Who she is romantically interested in has a lot to do with her trauma. Boone treats her juuuuuust right, you know? Not too nice, but not too mean lol. As for ethnicity, she has a heavily Western-American lineage. However, she doesn't know much about her family history, so it's a bit of an unknown for her. Fun fact: Manny Vargas is her brother, who was separated from her when she was 7 and he was 12.

17 - What's their reputation with the Khans / the Brotherhood / the Boomers / the Powder Gangers?

In my FF, Dorothy is a sort of special agent for the NCR. Thanks to Boone guilt-tripping her into doing "the right thing," she decides against siding with Yes Man and taking over Vegas. Instead, she joins up with the NCR, and let's just say that Colonel Moore has it out for her. Sending her on high-risk missions alone and cramming bouts of rigorous training in as few days as possible are two such ways the Colonel likes to remind Dorothy that she works for her now. And since she was sent on quests like this alone, she always tried not to chance eradicating everyone, so she worked on her diplomacy here. She talked the Khans into leaving, she talked the Brotherhood into a truce with the NCR, she left Yes Man in the care of Swank, and she conscripted the Boomers' help for the war. For the most part, she tends to completely ignore the Powder Gangers unless they give her trouble on the road, but she kills Legion scum on sight.

45 - What do they do after hoover dam?

I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't actually written this part yet, even though I've been "working" on this fanfiction for yearssssss. I feel like I'm literally going to melt just talking about this because I am so ashamed lol. But the plan for Dorothy after Hoover Dam is: Colonel Moore offers Dorothy anything she wants as thanks and as an apology of sorts for doubting her during her enlistment, and she really pulled through for the NCR. So Dorothy asks her to cancel the rest of her and Boone's 2-year enlistment term. Colonel Moore was very hesitant to adhere to Dorothy's terms, but an agreement is an agreement. So she let Boone and Dorothy go. On paper it's listed as "honorable discharge." Moore mostly agreed to Dorothy's terms because of Dorothy's pregnancy, though. She and Boone basically travel through the Mojave in search of a place to settle down. And funnily enough, she does run into Benny again, but he's in a t-shirt and overalls, scraping the dry ground with a hoe, trying to learn how to grow his own crops, the poor bastard. Dorothy stops, smiles, gives him the platinum chip, and continues traveling with Boone without so much as a word to Benny. (Book ends with Benny smiling and his favorite quote, "Ring-a-ding.") Pray that I finish this damn book, it haunts me lol.

#ask #fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #dorothy vargas #thanks so much for asking #i love storytelling #and talking about my imaginary people

[assim-eu-sou]

S2 Recap

Favorite Extended Sequences (in chronological order):

Sleepover/Fake Diego Call

Angie's Farewell

Madrid Podemos

Gregorio's speech to Diego

Soy Mi Mejor Momento (finale)

Favorite Songs (in no particular order)

Soy Mi Mejor Momento

Algo Se Enciende

Si Es Por Amor

Alcancemos Las Estrellas

Peligrosamente Bellas

(But tbh, the whole Hoy Somos Más album is sooooo good).

Character Thoughts:

Violetta: You will always be my baby. This girl has been through the wringer, with the Esmeralda deceit, Jeremías, and Diego. Then add to that losing her voice, losing Angie, and then losing her passion for a time. I just want to give her a big hug. And she honestly handles it with more grace than most people ever could. She deserves every good thing that comes her way.

León: A male protagonist that deserves rights. I appreciate his Entre Dos Mundos arc as someone pursuing a double major, although the motorcross seemed to come out of nowhere. I'm mad that he was mad about the non-consensual kiss and he certainly had his moments that frustrated me but like. He cares about Vilu so much.

Ludmila: She's so stupid... I love her. It's hard to remember what about her is real and what I made up because I think about her so much, so I won't say too much. Her fake friend era was such a time. It was hard to watch her cause Vilu pain, but what can I say except I know where she's coming from. Seeing her finally realize that hurting Vilu wasn't going to solve her problems was such a moment.

Naty: babeygirl. period. poor thing goes through it with Ludmila and I'm glad she ended the season happy. and yet, in the end, she will always choose Ludmi. she is unconditional. there's not much more that needs to be said here.

Francesca: Ah, Fran. She's always looking out for Vilu and that is something that I treasure. Her going-to-Italy arc was so.... yeah. As someone who knew they were leaving their hometown for college and also someone who knows they have to leave their college town whenever classes aren't in session, I get it. It's a lot. She had a really hard time letting her heart say yes to Marco, which could be frustrating, but I don't blame her. Commitment is hard, especially when you wonder how permanent things can be.

Camila: Ooooooh she's so funny. So many lines here and there that cracked me up. Her boy scrapbook was funny to me because like. That's such a normal thing to do. Not. But similar energy to something I'd do at the same time.

Diego: I hate this show for making me feel sorry for him by the end of it. He's almost even likable now. Dang it. I despised this man at the start of the season... creepy stalker. But in the end... idk. Something happened. All of the dynamics that he's a part of just make it.

Andrés/Broduey/Marco/Maxi: They exist. I don't think enough thoughts about them to say more than that.

Germán: I HATE HIMMMMMMM. Stupid Jeremías and stupid helicoptering send him STRAIGHT to prison. He did not deserve applause for Soy Mi Mejor Momento. That belonged to Vilu and the kids. As the child of overprotective parents, I have a lot of thoughts about Germán and how the show Violetta itself could be a metaphor for other things, but that should be its own post, so I won't expand for now.

Lara: she's so cool! Funky lil mechanic! Never did anything wrong tbh. I hope she ends up happy wherever she is.

Gregorio: this man is unhinged. But his development with Diego destroyed me. Like. I felt it in my soul. He truly has the range.

Angie: Her scenes with Vilu are always so special. But poor woman, she definitely needed to go to France. And her send-off... affected me. One of the deserves better girls for sure.

Jade: Please free her from the shackles of Germán and Mati. Enough said. Also her opera scene was ICONIC.

Esmeralda: It would be nice if she got a redemption arc in S3 but that won't be happening so... oh well. I also like how she brought Ámbar with her. Seeing Vilu being an older sister was cute.

Pablo: what was WRONG with this man for the majority of the season? Bring S1 Pablo back!

Olga/Ramallo: They exist. They care about Vilu. They put up with Germán. I couldn't do their job.

Pairings (Platonic and romantic)

Leonetta: A main ship I can support. Madrid!Podemos was so much. And all Leonetta hugs... so true. There's just a lot of care there.

León and Fran: such a fun dynamic, especially in Madrid. Best detectives. They just want to protect their girl Vilu.

Fran and Cami: these two fight like a married couple but in the end they have each others' best interests at heart. They often give each other advice that they need to take themselves lol.

Ludmila and Vilu: Vilu puts up with so much, bless her. The way she kept trying to let Ludmi in to her circle at the beginning of the season? The way she just moves on so quickly at the end? And the way Ludmi finally comes to her senses and wants to help her get her sparkle back? Yeah... s3 sisters will kill me.

Ludmila and Diego: Oh... so much. They're just so much. I want to study them under a microscope. Just a shocking and entertaining dynamic all around. The way they both despise and care about each other.

Diego and Vilu: Their start and end was not good. They had some cute moments, unfortunately. In another life, maybe. I can tell that in the end, he really did care about her, and was caught in a very rough spot. He wasn't in the right but I get it. I will be interested to see where their interactions go from here.

Fedemila: I mean I had fun. I like seeing Ludmila enamored. I like seeing her try. And they're both just so much, so diva.

Naxi: Maxi just. doesn't trust Naty. So while she ended the season happy, she deserves better, I think.

Brodemila: They are what they are. They're always gonna be in conflict. But their cute scenes are cute.

Marcesca: It would never work out in the end, but it was nice for what it was. Like him learning Italian? So good. His Madrid gestures may have been a bit toooo grand lol. Still. after S1, Fran deserved someone at least as decent as Marco.

Caxi: not the worst tbh. I don't have strong feelings either way.

Natila, Cadmila: Some enjoyable moments for both of these pairings. Tension between Cami and Ludmi. Naty and Cami making the music video. Their trio dynamic. So much fun!

Franletta: the softe girls!!!!!!! They fight so hard for each other. Fran pulling the fire alarm? Vilu convincing Fran's dad to let her stay? That whole arc was so much. All their hugs and just being attached at the hip... yes. Sweeties.

Luty: I don't even need to say anything. We know what they did to me. Just. Yeah. There are so many moments that aren't even subtext, just straight (not) text. Like yeah. Solo te quería desear suerte. And fin.

#violetta #Lauren’s season 2 undoing

[umichenginabroad]

Week 3: Fútbol, Art, and Day Trips

Well...I'm an Atlético fan now. We bought tickets to the Atlético vs. Real Madrid game this week, because what better game to go to than that one??? It was at the Atlético stadium, and coming in, I didn't really have any particular loyalty to any team and was there mostly for the vibes. But about 5 minutes into entering the stadium and hearing the Atlético fans, their energy was so contagious, I couldn't help but cheer just as passionately for them. I love my college football, but watching soccer at a European stadium—and at the energetic Atlético stadium—was an experience that doesn't even come close, and one that I'll never forget. While the Big House is bigger, the fans here were cheering so loud, that the stadium felt just as big, if not bigger. It was also amazing that Atlético ended up winning! 

The next day, I went to a Monet exhibition, and WOW!! I've been to many art museums in my life, and have even seen many Monet pieces before, but this exhibition is definitely in my top 3 I've seen. It focused on Monet's life and progression of his work, and I even got to see the actual paint palette that he used! Seeing that was kind of like a window into his artist brain. I learned that Monet grew most of the flowers and plants he painted in his garden specifically to paint them, which I find super cool!!

Over the weekend, I traveled to Segovia and Toledo, two cities about an hour from Madrid, for a day trip. They're both historical and older cities, and it was so cool to see all the old buildings and structures that have been there for centuries! The aqueduct in Segovia was actually breathtaking, and I can’t believe it was built in the 1st century AD by the Romans. The aqueduct doesn’t have any cement or anything holding the stone together, so the fact that it’s still standing centuries later truly is an engineering marvel. I was so amazed by the aqueduct, that that’s what I did my drawing of the week on! Another fun fact is that the castle there is what inspired Walt Disney and Disneyland, and it really did feel like it was straight out of a medieval fairytale. 

In Toledo, we saw the huge fortress as well as a beautiful monastery and cathedral, but my favorite part by far was the gorgeous sunset we saw overlooking the city. After the sunset, we walked around the city in the dark, and somehow it got even better. The lights illuminating the walls were gorgeous, and thinking about how many centuries ago everything was built really gave me a lot of perspective into the rich history of the country. One of the coolest things about Toledo was that it has Moorish, Christian, and Jewish influences in its architecture and history. The way they preserved everything was also amazing to see. Inside the Alcázar in Toledo, they created raised platforms over the ruins so visitors could view the real formations without disturbing them. 

Every time I go to an old city, I can’t help but think about just how old everything is. Like things are older than the entire country of the United States, and that’s just crazy to me. Anything we have in the US is newer than the history from the ancient civilizations here, and I’m always super grateful and humbled when I see all the buildings built by the Romans and others that still stand today. As an engineer, it also makes me think about the lasting impact I have the potential to have when I create things for society, and it makes me think: how do we build things for society today that can last in a way that’s beneficial to everyone? Like being intentional with the materials we use especially from the earth. How do we minimally disturb the community to build what we need to? Like building around people’s lives instead of displacing them. 

I highly, highly recommend everyone to go see the Roman ruins here, or anywhere else in the world at least once. And just think about what it might have been like to build it centuries ago.

This was a long one, but that’s it for now!

See y’all next week :)

Isha Venkatesh

Mechanical Engineering

Comillas — Madrid, Spain

#umichenginabroad #spain #ipewinter24 #ishavenkatesh #IPEComillas

[engbergeurovacay23]

Wow, what a day we had. It is 11:00 p.m. and Cece has just gone to bed and Rowan will follow soon after. We have to do a load of laundry tonight already because we got incredibly sweaty and walked over 10 miles throughout the day in about 100° heat! Yes, it is just as sweltering in Madrid as it was in Albuquerque.

This morning I woke up at 9:00 but the other three in the family slept longer. But throughout the day, we all did quite well with jet lag, never feeling too terribly exhausted. Last night, all of us did have a patch of sleeplessness overnight. My own lasted maybe an hour and was more of a "twilight sleep" situation where I couldn't quite fall back to sleep but thankfully finally did. In all, I'd say I had a pretty good night of sleep.

Once we had breakfast and got out of the apartment, we walked to the Plaza de España and there, there is a playground. By that time it was already pretty hot out, but the kids did get some playtime in, though unfortunately Rowan slipped and landed on his rib cage on a metal sort of balancing tube. He was a bit low-energy for an hour or so after that . . . but he did bounce back.

From there we walked through a beautiful park that was of a higher altitude than the rest of the city, near something called the Templo de Dobod (which was closed, but is apparently an ancient Egyptian temple that was a gift from the Egyptian government in the 1960s), but we paused to take some photos at the overlooks and got some beautiful views. We did a bit more walking before our 2:45 to tickets to see the Royal Palace (Palacio Real de Madrid). One of the places we walked to was the Mercado de SanMiguel, which my friend Dani recommended. It was so amazing -- but it was also amazingly hot. I mean, all of Madrid was sweltering today, but inside the mercado, there was little air circulation, even though it was open on the sides, and there were misters going, but it was very crowded, and well, hot hot hot. So, we did walk from there to a restaurant that had a lovely shaded dining area outside on a plaza (as many places do), and we ate there-- El Federal, on the Plaza de las Comendadoras. The kids had "fluffy banana pancakes" with mascapone and hazelnut crumble, the part of the pancake meal of which Cece did not partake. I had an amazing noodle salad with grilled halloumi.

After lunch -- when were were fed and somewhat cooled off and a bit rested-- we went to the Palacio Real. So, we got in a long line because it appeared that those who had tickets and those who didn't needed to be in the same line. Foolish us. By the time we got close to the front, we could see that, indeed, those with pre-purchased tickets (us) could move slightly to the left and go right on in. Oh. My. Word. We'd baked outside for no reason.

Anyway, the palace was really a thing to behold. However, perhaps if you've seen one opulent monarchic relic, you've seen 'em all. Well, maybe not "'em all" -- but there was a lot of silk, monogrammed wallpaper, silver serving pieces, impressive dining rooms and bedrooms and antechambers, gold-gilded everything, thrones, porcelain, marble halls . . . etc. I think it might just leave an imprint in the children's minds and I did explain how it is that, historically, monarchies amassed such wealth. I won't go into the numerous tragedies that accompany imperial legacies here in this blog, but you know what I mean.

Soooo, by the time we finished with the palace, we popped over to El Corte Ingles, a huge Spanish department store that I have visited once before. I really have a thing for European department stores' food halls, so we headed there, on the lower level. It really was a food hall that had it all. We went to the kids' clothing floor after that but, at the mid-afternoon point, we really needed a bit of downtime, so we walked back to the Airbnb and had a few-hour break, during which time I talked to my parents and Rowan finished a book and Eric napped and Cece drew. Then, I realized that the Reina Sofia museum is open late on Mondays! Until 9 p.m.! Our lucky day! Even luckier was that it was free on Monday nights! So, we mustered, used the Metro via the metrocard our friend Laura gave to us, and made it to the Reina Sofia with an hour and a half to view the works. I would love to dedicate a whole post to it! The most famous work there is Picasso's Guernica (which is HUGE), but there were Le Corbusier drawings, Salvador Dali paintings, political propaganda posters, Alexander Calder sculptures, Miro paintings, and so much -- there was even a contemporary art consideration of the theories of philosophers Deleuze and Guattari, whose work I've read in my time. I didn't even have time to deeply study what was going on in those pieces. The Reina Sofia is huge and we really only scratched the surface.

OK -- now you probably have guessed that by this time, we were running on low fuel ;) You're right. Even though we had some food at home, we did stop and eat dinner at a restaurant and I picked a pretty amazing and hole-in-the-wall-ish place that was a great fit, made even more entertaining by a group of two Scottish couples who sat behind us and absolutely did not need more booze, though they had some, and a very drunk Spanish elder with a super-duper deep voice, who immediately fell in love with our children. It was called La Vera. After we ate and laughed our way through a late dinner at La Vera, we walked back to the Airbnb -- and heard a huge amount of cheering en route, when we discovered that a crowd had amassed because The Weeknd was arriving to his hotel. It was quite a scene.

More tomorrow! Time, clearly, for bed!

[lisacatara-actress]

Almost Lisa: Pt 10, “Almost Festive”

*I retain all rights to my photography and story, story details, biographical information, fashion designs, art work, and anything and everything I have posted which is my own creation*)

Hiraeth (n.)  A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return,     which maybe never was (Welsh)

It’s Christmas Eve. An unusually frigid 20* here in Atlanta. I’m cafe-hopping from favorite spot to spot, trying to find the distraction of good energy to preoccupy myself in the laptop, writing and editing photos. Christmas music (old and new) is everywhere. All around me are friends and families, sharing beverages, pastries and plans for tomorrow together. Many flew in to celebrate with loved ones. Others are on their way out. Then there’s me: head down in my screen, writing this blog, secretly listening to everyone around me, wishing I could experience what they are. For real.

I haven't celebrated a holiday for many years. Too much struggling. Not many people in my Tribe to celebrate with. Painfully isolated by health issues. Disinterested in traveling to Cleveland and “celebrating” with the parents and siblings (it’s just not the same since my grandparents passed). Instead, I indulge in my own Christmas traditions (GOD, I wanna be traveling right now!!!). Cafe/coffee/writing, maybe a drive to grab food which I’ll eat in my car (I eat most meals in this manner), then jammies by 5pm, and a marathon of corny Hallmark Christmas movies and “streaming blah-blah” as I begin to prepare my taxes. What more could a gir..........er, woman, want?

Flashback: On my last Christmas abroad (in 2019), I was experiencing Madrid, Spain. Someone offered I take a walk to the Mercado for lunch. FANTASTIC recommendation!! It’s a tasty smorgasbord for picky, undecideds like me. Everywhere I travel, I indulge in local food, fall in love, then attempt to find the cuisine back in the States, in Los Angeles. In Spain it was the tapas (never found it), in France it was quiche (kinda found it) , Lisbon was red wine (found it!), and Cambodia it was Khao Soi, a delicious creamy yellow curry  dish with boiled and fried noodles. It would sound impossible that The Valley could have such a delicacy. Nevertheless, I searched. One day, after visiting my credit union, I looked up across the parking lot Id been  in nearly every other day for a year and there is was: A restaurant CALLED Khao Soi!!! Right in my back yard. And low and behold, the namesake was a featured menu item. SOLD!

Another tradition is to be kind to strangers. Okay, in all honesty, I practice this every day. But on Holidays, I try to do something kind for those who deserve it. Sometimes that's simply buying lunch for firemen & women, police officers, or nurses. Other times, it's noticing someone- like me- sitting alone at a restaurant/ cafe. I’ll often invite them to join me and share stories/ conversation. There’s so much to learn from each other. It’s a joy to listen and validate someone who may be feeling unheard and invisible. I know all too well what that feels like. So it’s a privilege to help lift their spirits. We never know the battles anyone else is facing. And we cannot know the expiration on our greatest gift: TIME.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote that “Youth... is wasted on the Young”. I never had a disrespect for my Time and Energy. As a child, I hardly hesitated to create, explore, pen, perform, sew, draw... to explore every aspect of my growing artistry. Though I understand fully what he meant.

When I was in elementary school (at Coventry Elementary, back in Cleveland), we had lots of group assemblies. One in particular left a strong impression on me. Our principal, a kind, 35-40-year-old tall, slightly overweight man with glasses, held up a clock for all of us to see. He asked us all to sit there and watch the clock in complete silence for one minute. It felt like a really long time back then! After a minute, he told us "that was just one minute of your Life. One minute can be a very long time. Never waste it!".

I never forgot that lesson.

I often struggle with the overwhelming accumulation of Time I’ve lost. Time I’ve wasted in unhealthy environments and with unhealthy people, as well as Time taken from me by such environments and people. This includes recovering from events beyond my control (9/11, writers strike, pandemic... all painful as hell to overcome, and accompanied by substantial financial loss). It’s easy to become angry now that my physical body is preventing me from living the life I’ve earned and desire. I dress for comfort, not fashion anymore. I seldom go out. I rarely make appearances. I'm quieter. I seldom seem to want to grab lunch or dinner with anyone. Not to mention physical changes, like my skin and face changing, my body always bloated and widening. I work constantly at curbing the disappointment, lest it should ever be projected elsewhere. I am not that person. Though I wonder all the time how on earth those who have been around me for years fail to notice any of these changes in my life. It may be as simple as they do not care. Hollywood, after all.

Something I learned in my 30′s:  Surround yourself with people whose faces light up when you walk in the room. Those who ultimately make you feel stronger, more possible, and more appreciated. Those who call to check in on you from time to time.

Those are your people. And in my Biz, they're precious.

   (to be continued...)

(PS If you like what you're reading, I welcome contributions to the efforts via Venmo @LTarantinoDesigns)

#Hollywood #entertainment #Lisa Catara #movies #health #wellness #blog #history #cleveland #actrress #photographer #life #artist #art #fame

[energylifeanalysis]

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[theearthquaketrackingfox]

Introduction

I realized that I needed more outlets than just Twitter and Blogspot, so I decided to create another blog here. I sense impending earthquakes all over the world, strong ones from here. I moved to Tennessee from California in March of last year to help with my Grandfather after losing my Grandmother to a stroke. It was a very difficult change that had to be made and it has taken me a while to readjust to this new situation. I lived in California for 8 years which was long enough to grow roots. I may have the New Madrid Seismic Zone to my west and Eastern TN Seismic Zone to my east, but it is not nearly as active as a hot tectonic plate boundary. Back in California, I still kept track of large earthquakes around the world, but my senses were mainly focused on the region which extended about 100 miles. It was also rather complex because the region was fractured by numerous faults where I could not thoroughly feel that much over a distance. I discovered a lot throughout those years. 

California was not quite as seismically active as its reputation leads on. Earthquakes did not happen that often. There were only very small ones that occurred daily which were too small to be felt by people. I experience pain in my left side and pressure throughout my body moments leading to an earthquake. At the time of the magnitude 6.4 and 7.1 Ridgecrest earthquakes, I was living in Lake Arrowhead, a town in the San Bernardino Mountains. On the morning of the July 4th earthquake, I was feeling some sharp side pains and discomfort throughout my body. I was feeling “not quite right” a few days leading up to the events. I was feeling pain running up my legs, sort of getting trapped in my knee along the way which was something I never really felt before. Usually, I would feel relief after an earthquake. After that first one, I felt very little relief. I was still feeling pain and restlessness until after the magnitude 7.1 mainshock the next evening. 

After moving here, I discovered I was more acutely sensitive to significant activity from various parts of the world. I have these imaginary strings or cords connected to the plate boundaries around the globe where they each get tugged on wherever it might be getting active. At times, it can be overwhelming as well as confusing. It is hard for me to decipher whether there is a potential for a large event somewhere in the world or possibly something less significant closer to my area. I have been at least aware of my acute sensitivity to earthquakes for almost 13 years. Being here reminded me of the few years before I moved to California. I was living in Florida(with a few trips to TN and one to TX in the meantime) and found myself more vulnerable to what I call secondhand energy from parts of the world. I believed that my first trip to California which was my first contact with a plate boundary initiated it all. However, it may have been there all along. It is safe to say that I at least was not aware of it until I became interested in earthquakes. If I have always been hypersensitive to earthquakes, it must have not fully developed until I visited a tectonic plate boundary. I am completely confident that this is real and not something I have imagined all these years or else it shouldn’t go on that long. I am on the Autism Spectrum(Asperger’s) and I have been told that I might physically experience things most others can’t. I had my hearing tested at the age of 14 and was told that my hearing is above average human hearing range. 

#earthquakes #earthquake #science #physiology #research #sensitivity #tectonic plates #seismic waves

[realmadridfamily]

Does the others Wags ( Clarice Alves, Anna Marianna Casemiro, Vajna Bosnic, Jessica Kroos, Chloe, Anastasia, Sofia ) get along with the other wags Mishel, Karoline, Shalimar, Daphne, Mina, Sandra, Maca, Maria, Maria Delgado ? Cause I often see them togethers but rarely or never with the others wags i mentionned before… Also I remember that Mina said that she created a WhatsApp group with all the wags so that they can hangout all together but i wonder if she was talking about all of the Real Madrid Wags or just some of them… Anyway I just hope that there is no drama between them and that it's just some of them who just don't want to hangout with the other wags but without having something against them…

I don't think there is a problem between them because there is no reason for that :) They follow each other on Instagram, comment photos, give likes … during the celebration we could see them talking to each other with a smile. As in everyone's life, small groups are formed or someone prefers to stay in their comfort zone with their own friends. This is normal :) I had seen many comments that WAGs in Real Madrid didn't stick together, but this was never true. Most haven't felt the need and still don't feel the need to share each of their meetings. For example, Clarice and Vanja are friends, but we don't see them often on social media. Same with Maria and Maca. Players and WAGs attended Ema Modric's birthday but didn't share it :) There are many such occasions. I have noticed that a lot has changed since Karoline and Shalimar arrived, in a positive sense of course. They both love to share a lot of things and both infect with positive energy. Even Mina Bonino let herself be caught by it, although she kept her distance from the others so far :) But she also noticed one thing … the language barrier is also a problem. Many people know English, but are afraid that it's not at a sufficient level. Many of them also focus on work or stay with children. Not everyone has time to meet. But there's definitely no drama here :)

[clintbartonruinedmylife]

I’m a different anon begging for a follow-up to Clint trying to regain the avengers’ trust. Can he sacrifice himself for them and then they all feel badly when they see him broken? Love your stuff. Thanks for sharing it with us?

“Barton!” Tony hissed in his comm. “Barton! What are you doing?”

Clint could hear him. Of course he could. After all, Tony had built his hearing aids with a built-in comm system.

He ran. He had to be fast since he still wore the tracker and they would find him any moment.

“Cap! Barton has your shield and my boots! You have to stop him!”

“On my way!” Steve snarled into the comms and he didn’t sound too pleased.

“Fuck!” Clint cursed. He took a deep breath and sat down. It’s now or never. There was no second chance. This morning his world was in best order - or as closely as possible - and then the alarm went off and everything went to shit.

     10 hours earlier  

 “What do we have?” Steve asked as soon as he entered the control room.

 “Twenty-seven ships appeared over Washington DC,” Tony said. “And a vast number all over the world.”

 “Twenty-seven?” Steve blurted and Bruce nodded. He held a StarkPad in his hand and typed on it.

 “We also discovered a bigger ship over Madrid,” he said and looked up.

 “Madrid? That’s in Spain, right?” Steve frowned.

 “Yes,” Bruce confirmed. “It seems as if this ship is… I don’t know… the mother ship,” he said.

 “In Spain?” Tony blurted. “Why are they in Spain?”

 “Why not?” Bruce sighed and raised a brow. “There’s no sign at the threshold of our solar system that says Aliens have to land in the USA.”

 “And what are they doing?” Natasha asked and frowned. Clint licked his lips but he kept quiet. They put no value to his opinion, he had noticed in the last months. Not anymore.

 “They… attack!” Tony said and looked at Steve.

 “Okay,” Cap said and nodded. “Suit up!”

 “Where’s Thor?” Nat asked and Steve sighed.

 “Still on Asgard,” he said. “We have to do it alone.”

 And with that they all left the control room to get their stuff.

 Many Superheroes fought in many cities but Clint flew the Avengers to Spain in a quinjet. They would take care of the mother ship. He landed and got his stuff.

 “Good luck,” Natasha said to him with a small smile and Clint nodded at her. He took his gear and left the quinjet.

 The aliens were tall, gray guys with huge black eyes. They could shoot them but they were numerous and the fight was long and brutal. Lots of people died. And the Avengers knew they had to get onto the mother ship, had to destroy it.

 But then Steve got shot down. He lay there, bleeding and Nat was at his side.

 “I have an idea,” Clint said when he hurried over to them, too.

 “No,” Steve groaned. “Stick to the plan.”

 “But I know…”

 “Tony will take over,” Steve hissed when Nat pressed some cloth over the wound in his abdomen. “Tony knows how to…”

 Clint glared at him but before he could finish his sentence, he rose, grabbed the shield and hurried away.

 “Clint!” Natasha yelled after him.

 “Barton,” Steve said, too. “Barton! Stop it!”

 Clint jogged away, the shield strapped to his back now.

 “Tony,” Steve groaned in the comms and Iron Man came in his direction.

“Barton! What are you doing?” Tony hissed in his comm.

“I have a plan!” Clint said. “Trust me.”

He hunkered down, put on Iron Man’s boots. He fumbled at the wiring when he heard Tony’s voice that he cannot use them.

“Fuck!” Clint screamed when the repulsors went off and vaulted him up in the sky and to the mother ship. He managed to shoot an explosive arrow at the hull of the ship, clipped the bow back to his belt, reached for the shield while he tried to keep the boots stable and then threw the shield. It hit the spot where his arrow exploded and broke through the hull.

With a painful groan he landed on his back inside of the ship. Two of the aliens came in his direction and Clint used his gun to shoot them. They fell down and Clint grabbed Steve’s shield and ran through the ship. He had to find the main engine.

“Barton!” he could hear Tony’s voice very quietly but he still ignored him. They had to destroy the ship or they would all die.

He had to kill forty-seven aliens till he found something he reckoned to be the engine. It was a weird construction made out of energy and something he couldn’t describe. But he had a shield made out of vibranium.

“This is probably the dumbest idea you ever had, Barton,” he muttered to himself, shot two attacking aliens, got shot in the leg himself, fell down on one knee, winced and threw the shield. It went through the engines like a hot knife through butter and mere seconds later the explosions started. Aliens shrieked and tried to flee. They forgot to shoot at him, forgot that he was still here. They chattered in their weird language and ran.

And then the mother ship started to lose the ability to hold its position over Madrid and he knew they would crash down.

With a painful groan Clint managed to get back on his feet. He stumbled to the entrance, found the shield, took it and limped back the way he came. Every now and then an alien shot at him but most of them tried to save their own thin, gray asses.

“Fuck!” he blurted when he finally could see the damage. The space ship fell and all of the smaller ships fell, too, some already crashed in the city beneath them… and it was still falling. And Clint had no way to get off of the ship. He could jump, but then he would die. He could stay, but then he would die, too. And he had killed the boots of Tony’s suit on his way up here so…

“Fuck!” Clint hissed again, took Steve’s shield, took his gun and turned to kill more aliens. It was the least he could do before the ship would crash, too.

                                                   ****

The first thing he noticed was pain. Clint groaned and tried to turn his head, but it was impossible. He groaned again.

“About time,” a voice said beside him. It sounded stern but also somehow… amused. Amused?

“Wha…” Clint croaked and a face appeared above him. It was Tony.

“You were asleep for three weeks now. About time you wake up,” he said and… and smiled at him. Clint blinked confused.

“Three weeks?” he rasped and Tony sighed.

“You killed the mother ship,” he said. “You crash landed it in Santiago Bernabéu stadium, by the way. Real Madrid is not amused. But you saved us.”

Clint closed his eyes and swallowed.

“Recognized them… out of… Loki’s mind… when he…” he said and swallowed again. “Knew how… how to… destroy them.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Tony asked and Clint snorted but then he looked at him.

“Would you’ve trusted me?”

Tony cast his eyes down and took a deep breath.

“It’s good to have you back, Clint,” he said then and reached over to pat his shoulder. “Good to have you back.”

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[kieranfm]

𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐂𝐊𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐌  ,  𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐍    ;    𝓌𝓇𝒶𝓅 𝓊𝓅 𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉𝓎    ››    𝐊𝐈𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐍  + 𝐃𝐀𝐈𝐒𝐘 .  

he  should  have  been  celebrating  .  he  should  have  been  wrapped  up  in  the  envelope  of  warm  congratulations  &  high  praise  that  hadn’t  stopped since  they’d  stepped  off  the  stage  back  at  the  venue  of  their  last  show  in  stockholm  .  they’d  JUST  wrapped  the  european  leg  of  the  no  other  place  tour  ,  their FIRST  headlining  tour  ,  for  gods  sake  .  he  should  have  been  on  top  of  the  world  ,  basking  in  the  glow  of  a  dream  come  true  .   but  yet  —-  nothing  .  he  felt  NOTHING  .  it  was  an  ODD  feeling  ,  knowing  that  he  should  be  happy  — ECSTATIC  even  —  but  was  unable  to  make  himself  feel  even  a  speck  of  the  pure  ,  unadulterated  EUPHORIA  that  he  could  see  from  where  he  sat  in  the  corner  booth  lighting  up  just  about  every  other  face  in  the  crowded  ,  stifling  bar  .  he’d  TRIED  to  mimic  them  .  to  plaster  a  smile  across  his  lips  ,  it  was  what  was  expected  after  all  ,  &  for  the  most  part  ,  he’d  succeeded  .  he’d  managed  to  convince  nearly  everyone  that  he  was  just  as  HAPPY  as  they  were  —  but  not  those  that  really  mattered  .  not  those  that  KNEW  him  sometimes  better  than  he  even  knew  himself  .  conan  ,  adam  ,  even  ruairi  —  they  didn’t  believe  the  carefully  constructed  facade  for  a  minute  .  they’d  been  around  him  too  long  to  know  when  the  curve  of  his  lips  was  real  or  not  .  &  one  glance  at  him  was  all  they  needed  to  know  that  NOTHING  about  the  smile  that  had  been  curving  the  corners  of  his  lips  since  berlin  was  real  .

 NOTHING  about  him  since  berlin  had  been  real  .  he  was  a  ghost  of  himself  .

 it  was  a  MIRACLE  that  the  whole  tour  hadn’t  imploded  in  on  itself  ,  that  he  managed  to  get  through  show  after  show  on  such  little  sleep  &  energy  ,  but  it  shouldn’t  have  been  a  surprise  .  people  depended  on  him  .  people  had  PAYED  to  see  the  four  of  them  up  on  that  stage  .  payed  to  see  HIM  .  &  if  there  was  one  thing  he  was  capable  of  doing  ,  it  was  putting  others  before  himself  .  whatever  was  happening  in  his  personal  life  ,  no  matter  how  empty  he  felt  or  how  HARD  it  was  to  simply  get  out  of  bed  in  the  morning  ,  it  couldn’t  matter  after  he  stepped  out  onto  that  stage  .  nothing  but  the  crowd  that  filled  the  cavernous  space  before  him  &  their  music  could  matter  .

 he’d  thought  music  had  been  his  saviour  before  —  now  it  was  more  evident  than  ever  .

those  moments  up  on  stage  had  been  the  only  reprieve  he  could  get  from  the  endless  thoughts  that  had  been  running  through  his  mind  since  berlin  .  since  everything  had  CHANGED  .  since  being  evan’s best  friend  had  left  a  bitter  taste  in  his  mouth  .  he  STILL  couldn’t  figure  out  what  had  happened  .  he  couldn’t  piece  together  the  events  of  that  night  that  led  up  to  her  VANISHING  .  it  still  felt  as  if  one  minute  ,  they’d  been  happy  —  the  type  of  happy  he  was  meant  to  be  right  now  —  &  the  next  ,  they’d  been  fighting  .  turning  into  what  he’d  always  been  afraid  of  .  FEELINGS  complicated  things  —  they  always  did  .  but  he’d  thought  ,  that  for  once  ,  they  would  be  the  exception  .  he’d  thought  she  felt  SOMETHING  .  he  could  still  hear  every  word  she’d  said  as  clearly  as  if  he  was  still  in  that  moment  with  her  .  words  that  had  convinced  him  that  taking  the  leap  he’d  never  let  himself  take  before  was  alright  .  

 he  should  have  known  it  was  too  good  to  be  true  .  he  should  have  known  that  her  loving  him  in  the  same  way  he  loved  her  wasn’t  possible  . he  wasn’t  made  to  be  LOVED  . especially  not  by  evan  connely  .

 the  muscle  in  his  jaw  worked  as  he  starred  at  the  dark  amber  liquid  that  filled  the  pint  glass  before  him .  he  really  shouldn’t  have  gotten  it  in  the  first  place  .  he  knew  it  had  been  a  gamble  buying  it  in  the  first  place  .  he’d  seen  it  in  conan’s  eyes  as  he’d  set  it  down  upon  the  table  half  an  hour  ago  ,  in  the  exact  same  place  it  still  sat  now  . drinking  when  he  was  HAPPY  was  one  thing  ,  but  drinking  when  his  thoughts  were  clouded  with  dangerous  thoughts  was  a  slippery  slope  .  but  there  was  something  about  having  it  in  front  of  him  that  made  him  feel  ALIVE  in  a  way  the  room  around  him  couldn’t  — knowing  that  all  it  would  take  was  one  sip  for  him  break  a  silent  promise  he’d  made  to  the  person  that  had  already  broken  theirs  to  him  .  

 “  are  ya  gonna  drink  t’at  t’ing  or  are  ya  gonna  let  it  sit  t’ere  all  nigh’  ge’ing  warm  &  going  t’  waste  ?  ”  rauiri’s  voice  brought  him  back  from  the  dangerous  game  he’d  been  playing  ,  shifting  his  eyes  away  from  the  glass  for  a  brief  moment  to  linger  upon  the  male  sat  next  to  adam  on  the  other  side  of  the  booth  before  they  found  their  way  back  to  dark  amber  that  looked  innocent  enough  .  silence  met  his  question  .  at  least  at  first  .  

 “  haven’t  decided  yet  .  ”

 “  kieran  —  ”  

 his  nose  scrunched  with  a  tilt  of  his  head  as  he  heeded  conan’s  subtle  warning  .  he  knew  he  wasn’t  going  to  .  he  knew  he  couldn’t  bring  himself  to  let  his  fingers  wrap  around  the  handle  of  the  pint  to  bring  it  to  his  lips  &  allow  ,  what  he  expected  to  be  warm  ,  beer  to  pass  between  them  .  unlike  HER  ,  he  couldn’t  break  his  promises  —  even  ones  she  didn’t  know  even  existed  .  but  he  would  have  liked  to  .  he  would  have  liked  to  give  into  the  ONE  thing  that  made  him  exactly  like  the  person  that  had  taught  him  that  he  wasn’t  made  to  be  loved  .  instead  ,  he  pushed  it  towards  ruairi  .  there  was  no  doubt  that  ,  that  was  exactly  what  he  was  angling  for  —  even  if  it  was  just  to  get  it  AWAY  from  him  .

 “  knock  yourself  out  .  ”  it  was  spoken  as  his  hands  came  to  lay  flat  against  the  wooden  tabletop  that  felt  slightly  sticky  to  the  touch  ,  &  he  pushed  himself  up  &  out  of  the  booth  .  “  reckon  i’ll  go  for  somet’ing  a  little  stronger  if  i  change  my  mind  later  .  ”  he  knew  it  would  piss  conan  off  ,  it  was  exactly  why  he’d  said  it  .  pushing  boundaries  had  always  been  a  BAD  habit  when  every  piece  of  his  life  felt  out  of  his  control  &  right  now  ,  he  felt  like  he  had  NONE  .  but  with  years  of  practise  behind  him  ,  conan  only  brushed  it  off  with  a  pointed  look  he  chose  to  ignore  as  his  hand  lifted  to  run  through  his  hair  just  as  he  angled  away  from  the  table  .

 “  where  are  you  going  ?  ”

 an  exhausted breath  left  his  lips  as  he  closed  his  eyes  ,  fingers  curling  into  a  mop  of  dark  hair  before  his  hand  dropped  to  his  side  &  he  glanced  back  over  his  shoulder  .  features  lacking  the  edge  they’d  held  before  to  display  the  exhaustion  that  he’d  been  carrying  with  him  for  days  .  the  loud  music  ,  heavy  air  & sounds  of  celebrations  were  getting  harder  &  harder  to  stand  .  if  he  stayed  in  here  one  minute  longer  ,  he  was  certain  to  snap  .

 “  i  need  some  air  ,  i  need  a  break  —  ALONE  .  ”

 &  before  conan  could  even  speak  the  words  he  knew  were  ultimately  coming  ,  kieran  turned  on  his  heel & left  the  three  boys  to  stare  after  his  receding  figure  as  he  picked  his  way  through  the  crowded  room  towards  the  door  that  led  out  to  the  rooftop balcony  at  the  back  of  the  bar  that  was  his  only  hope  of  some  peace  &  quiet  .

 the  cool  night  air  that  filled  his  lungs  as  he  lent  against  the  railing  ,  eyes  focused  on  the  city  that  lay  blinking  &  shifting  below  him  ,  wasn’t  enough  to  settle  the  ranging  thoughts  but  did  help  settle  the  growing  need  to  GET  OUT  .  &  with  only  a  few  people  finding  a  moment  of  quiet  of  their  own  ,  he  could  allow  the  facade  to  drop  .  turning  tense  shoulders  sullen  as  his  head  dropped  between  his  arms  .  how  had  he  gotten  here  ?  how  had  he  let  something  like  this  happen  ?  how  had  he  let  the  most  important  person  in  his  life  slip  through  his  fingers  like  that  ?  he’d  once  thought  that  there  was  never  any  chance  of  ever  losing  evan  but  now  ?  now  he  wasn’t  so  certain &  it  made  him  sick  because  it  was  HIS  fault  .  she’d  asked  him  ,  implored  him  ,  to  not  go  quiet  on  her  .  but  he  had  .  he’d  shut  her  out  as  if  it  was  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world  .  as  if  it  didn’t  KILL  him  every  time  he  caught  her  gaze  from  across  the  room  .  as  if  it  didn’t  KILL  him  to  have  her  so  close  but  so  far  away  from  him  .  but  he  couldn’t  get  the  look  out  of  his  head  ,  he  couldn’t  get  her  EYES  as  she  lied  to  him  out  of  his  head  .  his  hands  clasped  together  as  he  let  out  a  huffed  breath  .  SHE  DOESN’T  LOVE  YOU  —  SHE  DOESN’T  BELONG  IN  YOUR  WORLD . he  wished  he  could  just  quieten  his  mind  for  ONE  second  .  he  just  wanted  ONE  second  .

 “  you  know  ,  there’s  a  whole  party  back  in  there  that  some  might  say  is  being  thrown  in  your  honour  &  you’re  stood  out  here  looking  like  you’d  rather  be  just  about  ANYWHERE  else  .  ”

 the  sudden  voice  forced  him  straight  instantly  ,  attention  snapping  around  as  he  searched  for  the  owner  of  the  voice  .  it  wasn’t  the  voice  he  wanted  to  hear  but  he  couldn’t  say  he  HATED  hearing  it  because  somehow  over  the  weeks  spent  together  ,  sharing  stories  &  first  time experiences   ,  daisy  had  managed  to  creep  her  way  into  his  life  as  something  else  other  than  just  the  guitarist  in  his  band’s  opening  act  .  a  FRIEND  —  even  if  he’d  been  acutely  aware  that  there  was  something  else  that  lingered  in  her  green  eyes  as  she  looked  at  him  .  but  friend  or  not  ,  the  facade  slipped  back  across  his  features  as  his  lips  broke  into  a  small  hint  of  a  smile  .  

 “  t’at’s  probably  because  it’s  true  —  not  exactly  my  SCENE  .  ”

 a  single  brow  rose  up  in  his  direction  as  she  took  step  after  step  toward  him  ,  “  & what  then  ,  is  your  scene  ?  ”  

 he  shifted  ,  body  turning  to  allow  her  to  come  fulling  into  focus  without  having  to  turn  his  head  ,  elbows  coming  to  rest  back  against  the  railing  as  his  chest  rose  in  a  deep  breath  .  “  just  ‘bout  the  opposite  of  whatever  it  is  t’at’s  going  on  inside  .  would  rat’er  it  just  be  us  lot  back  in  an  ‘otel  room  like  t’at  day  before  the  madrid  show  ,  you  know  —  not  a  party  being  t’rown  for  ONE  person  when  t’ere’s  t’ree  others  t’at  make  up  the  band  .  ”

 a  sincere  look  flashed  across  daisy’s  features  as  she  settled  beside  him  ,  fingers  coming  to  wrap  around  the  metal  railing  as  she  let  out  a  long  breath  &  lent  back  ever  so  slightly  .  “  you’re  the  FRONTMAN  .  thought  you  would  have  known  they  always  get  special  treatment  .  might  not  be  fair  but  it’s  just  the  way  it  works  . ”  light  reflecting  in  her  eyes  brighten  the  soft  gaze  that  flittered  to  land  upon  him  .  “  can’t  exactly  have  a  band  without  one  you  know  &  it  seems  to  me  that  you’re  kind  of  the  glue  that  keeps  you  all  together  .  ”

 a  crease  appeared  across  the  bridge  of  his  nose  as  his  gaze  diverted  from  her  ,  “  i’m  not  sure  ‘bout  t’at  .  t’ere’s  a  whole  lot  you  don’t  know  about  me  .  ”  like  how  he  was  having  a  hard  enough  time  keeping  himself  together  at  the  moment  or  how  there  had  been  times  where  he’d  thought  he  was  the  one  that  would  eventually  split  them  all  apart  when  things  had  gotten  hard  at  home  &  he’d  vanished  without  a  word  .  

 “  you’re  probably  right  there  .  you’re  not  the  easiest  person  to  get  to  know  —  i  mean  REALLY know  .  i’ve  been  trying  since  i  first  met  you  &  i’m  not  even  going  to  entertain  the  idea  that  i  know  even  a  FRACTION  of  you  .  but  i  don’t  need  to  know  you  that  well  to  know  that  everyone  back  in  there  loves  you  &  would  do  just  about  anything  for  you  .  ”

 NOT  EVERYONE  . at  least  not  in  the  way  he  wanted .  

 his  head  shook  gently  as  a  quiet  breath  left  his  lips  .  this  was  edging  into  the  type  of  conversation  he’d  left  behind  him  when  he’d  stopped  conan  before  he’d  ever  gotten  a  chance  to  follow  him  .  he  didn’t  want  to  think  about  it  .  he  didn’t  want  to  think  about  what  people  would  do  for  him  if  he  asked  them  to  .  he  didn’t  want  to  think  about  HER  .  so  ,  instead  ,  he  focused  on  the  safest  route  .  the  route  that  made  a  small  ,  quiet  warmth  rise  in  his  chest  .  

 “  trying  t’  get  t’  know  me  are  ya  ? ”  his  gaze  flittered  to  her  as  his  chin  dropped  a  little  in  her  direction  as  his  head  turned  ,  a  smile  —  more  genuine  he’d  EVER  given  anyone  in  the  past  couple  of  days  —  pulling  at  the  corners  of  his  lips  as  his  brows  rose  up  in  slight  teasing  question  .  a  look  that  had  her  own  lips  pulling  into  a  smile  as  gentle  laughter  slipped  from  her  lips  as  her  gaze  seemingly  never  once  wavered  from  his ,  

 “  i  think  it’s  pretty  obvious  that  i’ve  been  trying  to  get  to  know  you  .  ”

 it  had  been  .  evan  had  pointed  it  out  to  him  the  first  time  she’d  met  her  .  just  like  she’d  pointed  out  that  she  was  VERY  PRETTY  .  he’d  known  of  course  .  of  course  he’d  known  ,  he  wasn’t  BLIND  .  daisy  was  a  gorgeous  girl  .  both  in  looks &  in  personality  .  &  if  he  hadn’t  be  caught  up  on  one  particular  girl  ,  maybe  he  would  have  let  daisy  get  to  know  him  a  little  easier  .  there  was  no  denying  that  she  was  EXACTLY  the  type  of  girl  he’d  go  for  .  EXACTLY  the  type  of  girl  he  should  maybe  have  gone  for  .  she  was  in  the  same  fast  paced  world  as  he  was  .  she’d  signed  herself  up  for  this  life  .  she  knew  EXACTLY  what  came  with  being  with  someone  that  was  in  a  career  that  brought  with  it  a  scrutiny  that  other  jobs  didn’t  &  maybe  most  importantly  ,  she’d  never  hid  the  fact  that  she  LIKED  him  .  it  had  been  written  plainly  across  her  features  that  night  at  the  pub  all  those  weeks ,  just  as  it  was  plainly  written  across  her  features  now  as  she  looked  up  at  him  .  there  was  no  guessing  what  was  going  on  in  her  head  .  there  was  no  hot  &  cold  .  there  was  no  lying  .  no  threat  of  breaking  apart  10  years  of  friendship  that  had  been  one  of  the  most  solid  things  in  his  life  .  it  was  SIMPLE  .

 “  yeah  —  it’s  been  pretty  obvious  .  ”

 &  it  was  nice  . it  was  nice  to  know  that  there  was  SOMEONE  that  wanted  him  — even  if  it  wasn’t  the  person  he  wanted  it  to  be  .  but  the  person  he  wanted  it  to  be  didn’t  want  HIM  .  not  like  that  at  least  .  

 his  gaze  softened  against  hers  as  a  coy  smile  pulled  at  the  corners  of  her  lips  before  her  gaze  diverted  out  to  the  city  below  them  .  he  watched  as  her  lips  parted  in  a  breath  ,  but  before  she  could  get  a  word  out  he’d  stepped  closer  ,  pulling  her  attention  up  to  him  as  she  shifted  to  face  him  .   &  maybe  he  shouldn’t  have  .  maybe  he  should  have  stayed  exactly  where  he’d  stood  beside  her  .  but  he  wanted  to  feel  something  .  he  wanted  to  feel  what  it  was  like  to  be  WANTED  by  someone  .  he  hesitated  for  a  moment  ,  eyes  flittering  between  green  eyes  searching  for  something  that  would  tell  him  NO  .  but  that  never  came  .  there  was  no  sign  of  ANYTHING  but  a  wanting  as  he  studied  her  .  there  was  no  resistance  as  his  hand  lifted  to  curve  around  the  back  of  her  neck  .  no  resistance  as  he  pulled  her  closer  .  no  resistance  as  his  lip  grazed  against  hers  ,  testing  one  last  time  .  

she  wanted  him  &  that  was  enough  for  him  . that  was  enough  for  him  to  kiss  her  .  

he  kissed  her  .

& to  begin  with   there  was  no  denying  that  ,  for  the  first  time  in  days  ,  he  felt  SOMETHING  .  he  felt  something  other  than  the  heavy  NOTHINGNESS  that  had  been  weighing  him  down  since  things  had  changed  between  him  &  evan  .  since  he &  evan  had  been  the  furthest  away  from  each  other  they’d  ever  been  —  even  when  there  had  been  452  kilometres  between  them  .  the  way  daisy  responded  to  the  way  his  lips  captured  hers  ,  brought  back  some  of  the  warmth  within  his  chest  . a  warmth  that  had  once  filled  his  entire  being  .  a  warmth  that  was  comparable  to  the  way  he’d  felt  when  evan  had  merely  lent  into  him  .  but  maybe  that  was  the  problem  .  he  was  KISSING  someone  else  —  someone  that  was  no  doubt  gorgeous  &  could  make  him  happy  if  he  gave  her  the  chance  —  &  all  he  could  think  about  was  the  fact  that  it  felt  like  nothing  it  was  SUPPOSE  to  feel  like  .  how  it  only  felt  like  a  FRACTION  of  what  evan  was  capable  of  making  him  feel  with  even  the  simplest  touch  .  hell  ,  all  evan  had  to  do  was  look  in  his  direction  &  his  heart  would  quicken  its  pace  ,  a  warmth  FILLING  every  inch  of  him . his  heart  felt  like  it  was  hardly  beating  .  he  wished  he  could  .  he  wished  he  could  feel  his  heart  pounding  against  his  ribcage  .  he  wished  he  could  hear  it  in  his  ear  ,  drowning  every  other  sound  out  .  it  would  makes  things  so  much  EASIER  .  moving  on  from  evan  once  &  for  all  would  be  easier  .  that  way  ,  he  could  be  exactly  what  she  wanted  him  to  be  .  her  BEST  FRIEND  .  but  he  didn’t  want  that  .  not  really  .  he  didn’t  WANT  to  move  on  from  her  .  he  didn’t  want  to  just  settle  as  her  best  friend  .HE  LOVED  HER  .he’d  known  he  loved  her  since  he  was  eighteen  .  she  knew  him  .  she’d  seen  the  WORST  parts  of  him  &  she  hadn’t  faltered  .  hadn’t  pulled  away  like  he’d  expected  her  to  .  she’d  stayed  .  she’d  stayed  through  it  ALL  . &  maybe  she’d  hurt  him  ,  maybe  she’d  LIED  to  him  ,  but  she  was  the  only  person  that  he  wanted  to  be  with  .  &  if  there  was  ONE  THING that  his  life  had  taught  him  ,  it  was  to  hold  onto  the  things  that  made  him  happiest  when  they  presented  themselves  because  he  never  knew  when  he’d  ever  get  another  chance  to  grab  hold  of  something  he  hadn’t  thought  was  possible  in  his  life  .  & evan  connely  made  him  the  HAPPIEST  he’d  ever  been  .  she  was  the  only  person  he  wanted  . 

feeling  daisy’s  hand  lift  to  slip  around  his  waist  ,  pulling  herself  closer  toward  him  ,  was  the  final  straw  .  

he  couldn’t  do  this  . it  was  a  MISTAKE  .

kissing  daisy  was  a  mistake in  the  way  kissing  evan  back  that  night  all  those  years  ago  in  her  bedroom  had  never  been  .  they’d  put  it  back  to  HEIGHTENED  EMOTIONS but  he  hadn’t  known  the  true  meaning  of  that  until  this  moment  .  kissing  daisy  had  been  because  he’d  wanted  to  feel  something  .  kissing  daisy  had  been  because  she’d  been  there  .  kissing  daisy  hadn’t  been  because  he’d  really  WANTED  to  .  she’d  made  him  feel  wanted  .  but  she  wasn’t  the  person  that  could  EVER  give  him  what  he  wanted  .  only  evan  could  do  that  .  

“  stop  —  ”  it  wasn’t  strong  .  it  wasn’t  harsh  .  it  wasn’t  angry  .  the  word  came  out  in  a  gentle  murmur  against  daisy’s  lips  before  he  pulled  away  ever  so  slightly  ,  just  enough  to  allow  him  to  catch  her  gaze  ,  

“  i’m  sorry  ,  i  can’t  —-  i  can’t  do  t’is  .  ”  

he  watched  as  a  flash  of  confusion  appeared  in  her  gaze  as  it  flittered  over  his  features  .  but  it  wasn’t  long  before  they  were  softening  against  his  ,  a  look  of  knowing  taking  over  soft  green  .  

“  it’s  evan  isn’t  it  .  ”

her  name  spoken   aloud  make  his  heart  tighten .  it  was  evan  .  it  had  ALWAYS  been  evan &  he  was  certain  it  always  would  be  until  he  heard  for  certain  that  she  felt  NOTHING  for  him  .  dragging  in  a  breath  that  made  his  chest  rise  heavily  ,  his  lips  settled  into  a  thin  line  before  he  slowly  began  to  nod  .

“  yeah  —  yeah  it’s  evan  .  ”

his  hand  upon  the  back  of  daisy’s  neck  shifted  uncertainly  for  a  moment  before  it  slipped  to  settle  quietly  at  his  side  ,  giving  her  space  to  take  a  step  backwards  & return  to  her  previous  position  at  the  railing  .  hands  that  had  once  been  at  his  waist  wrapping  around  the  cool  metal  railing  .  

“  i’m  sorry  —  ”

but  before  he  could  even  get  another  word  out  ,  daisy  was  cutting  him  off  with  a  shake  of  her  head .  

“  you  don’t  have  to  be  .  i  get  it —  really  .  ”  the  corners  of  her  lips  curved  into  a  gentle  ,  comforting  smile  as  her  head  tilted  a  little  at  him  ,  “  i  knew  there  was  something  more  going  on  between  you  two  .  even  if  people  told  me  you  were  just  friends  .  even  if  i  kind  of  HOPED  that  there  was  a  chance  that  you  were  just  friends  .  but  just  friends  don’t  look  at  someone  the  way  you  look  at  her  or  the  way  she  looks  at  you  .  there’s  only  one  explanation  for  that  sort  of  look  . ”

daisy  didn’t  have  to  say  it  for  kieran  to  understand  what  she  was  meaning  .  he  knew  .  at  least  when  it  came  to  HIM  & his  feelings  for  evan  .  evan’s  feeling  were  still  something  he  couldn’t  figure  out  but  he  knew  now  there  had  to  be  MORE  to  the  story  .  she’d  be  lying  about  something  but  what  if  she  hadn’t  been  lying  about  what  he’d  assumed  she’d  been  lying  about  .  turning  ,  kieran  came  to  settle  beside  daisy  in  silence .  hands  resting  loosely  against  the  railing  as  his  eyes  surveyed  the  smaller  lights  of  the  city  below  them  .  

“  how  long  have  you  been  in  love  with  her  ?  ”

the  question  took  him  off  guard  .  stilling  him  instantly  as  his  breath  caught  in  the  back  of  his  throat  .  he’d  known  for  a  while  but  not  once  had  he  heard  it  said  a  loud  .  no  one  had  been  confident  enough  to  ask  him  straight  out  before  .  not  even  conan  .  even  though  he  KNEW  conan  had  wanted  to  more  times  than  he  could  count  .  he  could  see  it  in  his  eyes  whenever  he  watched  the  two  of  them  together  .  but  for  some  reason  ,  hearing  it  made  a  wave  of  relief  wash  over  him  .  he  no  longer  had  to  HIDE  .  he  no  longer  had  to  play  it  off  like  it  was  nothing  but  friendship  he  felt  for  her  .  he  could  say  it  out  loud  without  a  single  ounce  of  hesitation  .

“  since  i  was  eighteen  .  but  i  t’ink  i  loved  her  before  i  even  realised  t’at  it  was  LOVE   .  ”  there  was  a  pause  of  silence  as  his  eyes  turned  down  to  his  hands  to  watch  as  fingers  lifted &  fell  against  the  metal  to  create  a  quiet  tinging  as  his  rings  made  contact  with  the  other  metal  .  

“  only  t’ing  is  t’at  i  don’t  know  if  it’s  too  late  to  tell  her  everyt’ing  —  –  -   we  ,  uh  ,  nearly  kissed  after  t’at  first  berlin  show  .   but  got  interrupted  &  t’en  t’ings  got  messy  &  long  story  short  ,  i  don’t  —  i  don’t  know  if  she  REALLY  feels  the  same  way  ‘bout  me  .  i  t’ought  she  did  ,  or  at  least  she  could  ,  but   everyt’ing  she  did  said  the  opposite  . &  —  i  freaked  out  .  i  shut  down  like  i  always  do  when  t’ings  get  hard &  i  don’t  know  how  to  fix  t’ings  between  us  .  i  don’t  know IF  t’ings  can  be  fixed  . ”

silence  followed  his  words  .  long  enough  for  him  to  steal  a  peak  in  her  direction  to  make  sure  that  she  wasn’t  quietly  JUDGING  him  for  everything  he’d  said  .  but  the  only  thing  he  could  find  upon  her  features  was  quiet  thinking  as  if  she  was  turning  all  the  information  over  in  his  head  .  finally  ,  she  spoke  ,

“  it’s  never  too  late  to  tell  someone  how  you  feel  about  them  .  ”  her  eyes  flickered  up  to  his  ,  wide  with  honesty  as  she  studied  him  in  silence  for  a  moment  longer  .  “  life’s  too  short  to  go  around  pretending  like  you  don’t  LOVE  the  people  you  love  .  we  all  spend  too  much  time  being  scared  of  rejection  that  we  risk  missing  out  on  opportunities  &  people  that  could  be  just  about  the  best  thing  to  happen  to  us  .  &  i  think  —-  deep  down  —  you  know  that  .  you  might  have  made  a  mistake  ,  but  everyone  makes  mistakes  .  you’re  a  GOOD  guy  ,  kieran  .  any  girl  would  be  lucky  to  have  you  love  them  &  i  would  be  willing  to  bet  that  evan  knows  that  .  ”

he  swallowed  the  lump  in  his  throat  as  his  chin  lifted  with  a  scrunching  of  his  nose  .  she  was  RIGHT  .  he  did  know  that  .  he  did  know  that  .  &  if  he  was  honest  with  himself  , what  else  did  he  have  to  lose  ?  the  worst  had  already  happened  . they’d  already  lost  a  part  of  what  he’d  been  afraid  of  losing  by  telling  her  how  he  felt  .  so  what  was  stopping  him  from  telling  her  exactly  how  he  felt  ? at  least  then  it  would  be  out  in  the  open  .  at  least  then  they’d  once &  for  all  know  where  they  stood  .  but  knowing  that  didn’t  make  it  any  easy  to  do  .  it  meant  opening  himself  up  to  be  hurt  again  .  it  meant  allowing  himself  to  be  vunerable  in  way  he  hadn’t  been  with  even  evan  before  .  feelings  had  never  been  his  strong suit  .  sure  he  could  write  them  down  on  paper  &  turn  them  into  songs  .  but  that  was  completely  different  than  standing  in  front  of  someone  & telling  them  exactly  how  he  felt  .  there  was  no  room  for  interpretations  .  it  was  just  HIM  .  laying  himself  bare  &  giving  her  the  ability  to  deliver  the  final  blow  .  

but  he  had  to  .  he  HAD  to  tell  her  everything  because  otherwise  there  was  every  chance  that  he  WOULD  lose  her  forever  & he  wasn’t  sure  if  he  would  be  able  to  survive  that  .  if  there  was  even  the  smallest  chance  that  she  liked  him  ,  it  was  worth  the  risk  . 

HE  LOVED  HER  .

he  was  done  PRETENDING  .  he  was  done  RUNNING  .  he  loved  her  &  he  WASN’T  about  to  let  her  go  before  he  got  the  chance  to  tell  her  that  . 

#𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚 / kieran + daisy .

[plumblossomkun]

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 2.5: 「𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚎, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚎 / 𝙸'𝚖 𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 / 𝙸'𝚖 𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌」

word count: 3.7k

setting: student!Taeyong x writing assistant!Female Reader, University!AU

chapter summary: in which we learn what Taeyong did to y/n, and why, after all these years, there has only been silence. 

a/n: i mentioned i wanted to do this story justice, and it needs to be a human sort of story for that. these are real things, parts of me, as all my y/n’s are. of course, we all put bits of ourselves into our writing. this fragment just happens to be a darker bit. with that being said, please read the warnings.

warning[s]: mentions of prior self-harm. descriptions of anxiety and feelings of despair. angst. 

reminder: i will italicize flashbacks in their entirety & indicate any changes in scene or point of view in bold. and if you’re wondering where the chapter titles are from, they’re lyrics from the songs on the playlist below.

tags: @starxblossom​, @nsheeteesmain​, @cutehardcore​, @bunny-doyounq​​ ♥ send me an ask if you would like to be added!

moodboard | playlist | main masterlist | a map of the campus | extras | fun facts

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The next day, 8:45am—

— Learning Commons and Library

“Why did I let you rope me into a 9:15 class?” Jaehyun whines, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he waits by the library’s café for his cup of morning coffee. “No one gets up this early for a Life Writing class.”

You munch on your croissant and take a second to swallow before answering. “Yeah, well, you’re getting an extra two units for being a Peer Educator with me this time, and you’re not actually in the class, so you don’t have to do the work again. Plus, it looks good on a transcript.”

“You’d look good on a transcript,” is his feeble attempt at a retort, and you nearly choke on your croissant, snickering. He’s never been much of a morning person, and neither are you, but you don’t need coffee to cope with your lack of sleep; the dawn’s chill is usually enough.

He follows blearily after you as you hold the door open for him. “Come on, Jae. We’re gonna be late.”

9:00 am—

— St. Joseph’s Hall

Hesitantly, you knock on the frame of the slightly ajar door of Professor Juan Madrid and listen closely to the sounds just beyond the wood. Wind chimes and raindrops tinkle, a chair creaks, and then the door swings open.

“Y/n!” the professor exclaims, putting down his wooden tumbler on the metal cabinet next to him, spreading his arms wide for a hug, face wrinkling as he smiles.

“Hi, Juan!” you laugh, embracing the slighter man. He, like his office, smells like spring, like vanilla and lavender and a hint of green tea, and his left eye (you’ve never asked whether it’s a fake eye or just a lazy one) doesn’t focus on you when you sit in the armchair opposite his, tossing your backpack on the ground and sinking into the cushions. 

“Where’s Jae?” he asks, swiveling the office chair around so he can face you properly. On his computer monitor, a video titled “Relaxing Nature Sounds for Meditation” plays, filling every corner of the lamp-lit room with the sounds of a forest glade, twittering birds, bubbling creeks, and the murmurs of an afternoon breeze. 

You remember the first time you had set foot in his office, and you’d been sure you’d stepped into a therapy session by accident instead of office hours, because of how calming the vibe of the room was— and still is.

“Bathroom.” You lean back in your seat and let out a long breath, so that you can take a deeper one in, gathering the freshness of the forest’s song into your lungs. “How have you been?”

“Good, good.” He stares at you, brows raised as you blow out even more air with your hands pressed to your cheeks. “Did something happen over the summer?”

“Mm… kind of?” Eyes glued to a spot somewhere between the door and the wall behind him, your head whirls as you consider which parts of the story you think your lungs can handle sharing. “This summer felt longer than the last one.”

The sounds of skateboard wheels grinding against pavement and loud chatter waft up through the window as students make their way towards their 9:15 classes, and he goes over to shut it, then sits back down and gestures for you to finish your thought. 

“Kenneth broke up with me.” There’s a lump in your throat that hadn’t been there when you’d told Jaehyun and Xuxi about it, because Juan is one of the few people who has read all your poetry and prose and seen the dried tear stains on the papers you’ve submitted to him over the past two years, all the crumpled corners and the red ink and no censors. “He said… he didn’t want to drag me along with him in the future. He stopped saying ‘I love you’ to me, and I knew.”

He takes a sip of tea from his tumbler, then sets it aside to lean forward and look you right in the eye. “Are you okay?” 

“Even though I saw it coming, it still really sucked.” You close your eyes to shield yourself from the memories burning your throat, so that your next breath comes slow and steady instead of shaky. “I cried for three days. I cried for so long and so hard that I begged myself to stop crying because I was so tired of it.”

Juan nods, but doesn’t interject as you pause to take in another breath.

“I think I’m tired of relationships,” you sigh, looking down at your fists and unfurling them slowly to bring the blood back into your fingertips. At some point as you’d started talking, your nails had sunk into your palms, leaving pale crescent moon marks throbbing in the skin. “I just need a break to focus on me.”

“I agree,” he says, shooting you two thumbs up. “Boys are not worth it. You have a lot on your mind. Don’t forget—”

“—to witness instead of relive the memories,” you finish. The heaviness in your throat relents, just a little, but enough so you can chuckle. “I know, I know.”

He beams. “Exactly.”

A soft knock, and then Jaehyun peeks through the door. “Hey, professor.”

“Ah, Jae!” Juan stands to greet him, and they embrace briefly. He points him to the second open chair beside you. “How was your summer? We were just talking about Y/N’s.”

“Good, good.” He flops into the seat, but not before slipping his hand into yours and looking you in the eye apologetically. “Sorry, I heard a little bit of what you were saying when I was coming back from the bathroom. Kenneth really did that?”

“Yeah, it’s okay. I’m good. I got this.” This time, when the words come out of your mouth, they don’t feel like you’re lying to yourself. They don’t feel like poison.

“I know, angel. You’re tough as hell.” He squeezes your hand tight, then disconnects his fingers from yours and turns back to Juan with a twinkle in his eye. “So, how was going back to Spain?”

“It was nice. Good weather. A little family drama, but it was okay.” He smiles at the thought of his homeland. 

“And what about Rosa?” Jaehyun prods, grinning.

“Yeah, spill the tea!”  you gasp. “How’s that going for you?”

“Well, you know… she has a really comfortable job there. She makes a lot of money. Her house is basically a mansion.”

You clap your hands together in excitement. “Ooh, Juan… are you gonna go live with her?”

Juan smiles, shaking his head. His one good eye looks up to the ceiling, cheeks turning pink. “I’m considering it.”

“Juan has a sugar mama,” Jaehyun coughs under his breath, and the two of you snicker.

“You don’t need to worry about us, we’re graduating next year. And you won’t have any more Peer Eds to help you with Life Writing.” You press your hands to your cheeks again, but this time it’s because of the smile splitting your face. “Do it!”

“Thank you for the support, you two.” He pauses, casting a puzzled glance in Jaehyun’s direction. “Wait, did you just say ‘sugar mama’?”

“Uh-huh,” Jaehyun says, wiping tears from his eyes, chest heaving as he chortles. “Yes, I did.”

Juan throws his head back and laughs.

9:19am— —Kenna Hall

a/n: This is where the timelines of Mugunghwa and In Real Life align! You don’t *need* to read all of IRL in order to understand the plot of Mugunghwa, but you should read part five for context, linked here. I would have written it out on my end, but it would just be tedious, and Rae’s works are lovely and I recommend them! ♥

11:24am—

“I don’t like the feel of the classroom, but we’ll see if the students’ energy will make up for it,” Juan sighs, tucking his folders under his arm as the three of you exit the classroom and make your way back towards St. Joseph’s. “I’ll see you two Thursday; I’ll let you know if they approve a classroom change to O’Connor.”

“Bye, Juan,” you and Jaehyun say together, waving goodbye as the professor heads up the stairs to his office.

As soon as he is out of earshot, Jaehyun lets out a whiny groan and leans his forehead on your shoulder, putting all his weight on it. “I don’t think I can handle Life Writing as a 9:15 class, y/n.”

You pat the top of his head. “You just need to eat breakfast instead of eating one meal a day. What would your followers do, if they found out?”

“Don’t expose me! The mom followers will flood my comment section.”

“Then eat breakfast and I won’t have to. Plus, you’ll have the energy to come to class with me without coffee!” You link your right arm in his left. “Wow! Amazing! Healthy eating habits!”

He snorts, and reaches over to pinch your nose. “I don’t appreciate that sarcastic tone of yours, y/n.”

You lay your head across his shoulder, humming as he leads you behind St. Joseph’s, away from the hustle of students heading towards their next class. “Love you too, Jae.” 

It’s not golden hour yet, not even close, but the section of campus just off the main path is magnificent in the sunlight hiding just behind the fading gray gloom of the morning. You reach into the leaves to touch the ruffled petals of a peach-orange rose swaying in the wake of a ripple of wind, rubbing your thumb across its almost-translucent surface, mouth parting in awe at its softness.

Discreetly, Jaehyun lifts his phone to snap a picture of you, and you catch the sudden movement at the last second and duck your head behind your hands with a shriek.

He sighs. “Are you ever gonna let me post a picture with your face in it?”

“You have 8,000 people following you, Jae. You can tag me, but my profile is on private for a reason.” You peek from behind your fingers to check if he’s still trying to take the picture, and sigh in relief when you see his phone tucked back into his jeans pocket. “If they want to see my face, they can ask to follow me, but I don’t want any of those 8,000 people coming and commenting on my photos. I’m not nearly as attractive as you.”

He runs a hand through his hair, pursing his lips. “They’re not crazy like that.”

You wince as you accidentally drag your finger over a thorn that hasn’t been clipped off. “You never know, Jae. Especially when it comes to people online.” 

He grabs your wrist before you can walk down the path without him, and chucks you under the chin gently. “You’re beautiful. Don’t you dare think otherwise.”

You roll your eyes, but sink into his side when he opens his arms for a hug. “If you say so, frat boy,” you mumble, clinging to his warmth.

“What do you have against frat boys?” The two of you start down the smoothed stone, footsteps echoing even without walls. Tiny pinpoints of light shine through the wooden slats above, tendrils of the wisteria trees’ branches and their lilac-colored flowers creating a makeshift canopy.

“...Kenneth was part of a fraternity.” You rub your temples, your eyes losing focus as memories push at the back of your mind, demanding to be put on replay. You inhale— no— and exhale— don’t think about that— through your nose, placing a hand over your mouth as if it’ll help you keep them back.

“Hey, hey.” Jaehyun’s hand on your waist tightens, and he pulls you closer to him, onto the grass just off the side of the stone, tipping your head into his chest. “I know you’re tired of crying, and that asshole definitely doesn’t deserve your tears, angel, but it’s alright if you do. Count to twenty, and we’ll go from there, okay?”

You bite your lip and whisper, “When his friends came over, he always wanted to drink with them. He’d forget he was in a call with me.”

One. Two. Three.

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, only wraps his arms more securely around you, placing his head atop yours with a sigh.

Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

You focus on the sensation of his chest rising and falling against your forehead, the soft thump-thump of his heart, the tension of his jaw, instead of the way your breath starts to stutter and halt. “He’d spend hours at the gym and with his friends and he always came back to me at night but it felt like I had to make appointments to spend time with him.”

Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. 

“He let me say ‘I love you’ to him for two weeks without reciprocating or even trying to talk to me about the problem. I wish he’d talked to me.”  

Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty.

You see rather than feel the first tear fall from your face and splatter on the floor. And then another, and then a dozen more, and you can’t stop shivering like you’re in the midst of winter even with Jaehyun holding you tight. “My father came into the room, and he asked me what was wrong, and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him, because he couldn’t understand. I know he cares, I know, but he can’t understand.”

Another shuddering breath has you clutching at the fabric of his jacket. The tears slow, but don’t stop, and you swallow a sob before it can escape you. “Can we… sit down?”

“Of course, angel,” he murmurs, wiping the moisture from your cheeks with his sleeve. He sits with you on the bench furthest from the path.

“I don’t think I can cry any more,” you admit, examining your fingers as they tremble uncontrollably. 

“Is that a good thing?”

“I don’t think so.” The wysterias stir as a squirrel scrambles across their wood, a crow tailing it playfully, and you take a deep breath, gathering the sweet scent of their flowers to fortify yourself. “I need to feel the emotions properly. I can’t just push them down and forget about them.” 

A fallen rose petal grazes your skin, and you raise your left arm to brush it off. Halfway through the motion, Jaehyun touches the inside of your wrist, gentle beyond measure, running his fingertips over the raised white skin of the scars. He’s seen them before, you know he has, but you’ve never told him anything about them, and he’s never asked.

“Do you want to know?”

“Only if you want to tell me. I’m here to support you, y/n, no matter what. Whatever you need, you tell me. If you want me to shut up and listen, I can do that.”

“Have I told you I appreciate you?” you sigh.

“Not nearly as often as you should.”

“I take it back.”

“No, no! You tell me often enough.”

You laugh hollowly, but your eyes return to the scars on your wrist, and then they are all you can see. Dozens and dozens of thin lines, some glimmering smooth, some thin, some wider, others jagged and uneven— but all of them a reminder.

Not even the sweet wysteria can help you with the winter frost that blossoms inside your chest. You hold Jaehyun’s hand with a grip so tight your knuckles turn white. The rising sun frees itself of the morning’s pallor, and you close your eyes as its carnelian radiance washes over you.

It gives you just enough strength to speak.

Witness, instead of relive.

“The last time was just a little over four years ago.”

4 years ago, only hours after that kiss—

You jiggle the doorknob of the door to the pint-sized apartment that Taeyong shares with Ten and Johnny, but to no avail. They’ve left the door ajar before, and sometimes they just forget to lock it, but this is, unfortunately, not one of those times. Fists clenched, you bang on the door, praying that one of them is awake. A horrible, jagged feeling, something like lightning, fizzles down your spine, striking the breath from your lungs with each passing second. 

Someone groans hoarsely, and then the dark wood swings back to reveal Johnny looking down at you in sleepy confusion. He opens the door wider when he sees that it’s you, pushing his hair back over his forehead and rubbing his eyes. “What the— y/n? It’s so early…”

You look past him. The apartment is dark and silent, but you can make out the faint smell of instant ramen and the silhouette of piles of laundry on the ratty gray couch. If Taeyong was there, the couch would be clear and clean, a pot of soup made from scratch bubbling gently on the stove, the lavender candle on the countertop lit and filling the room with its gentle aroma. But it’s not. And when you meet Johnny’s eyes, his expression, even with the shadows on his side, betrays him. You take one look at the deep crease between his brows and the way his eyes don’t meet yours and recoil. 

Then your gaze falls to the floor, to the shoe rack, which is missing Taeyong’s colorful collection of sneakers and boots. “Where is he?” you whisper. 

“Weren’t you just with him?”

You try to push past him, but he stands like a stone pillar in the doorway. “That was hours ago, Johnny,” you say, planting both hands on his chest in a last ditch attempt to shove him out of your way so you can search the apartment for Taeyong, find him and call him an idiot for scaring the shit out of you. “I— let me in, Johnny, please.” 

When he hears your voice crack on that last word, he finally relents, and you stagger into the apartment, feeling your way to the couch to sit. You don’t trust your own legs to work.

He sits beside you, the sound of his breathing unbearably loud in the dark. “What happened?” he asks, though the grim line of his mouth and the softness of his voice hint that he already knows the answer to his own question.

Your breath catches in your throat, and you have to grab onto him to steady yourself, rendered faint by the very thought of it. 

“He said—” You choke on your own breath, and have to take a second to cough and gasp. Your nails sink into the skin of Johnny’s arm, but he doesn’t complain, not even when you collapse against him, repeating the words like a mantra, thinking that maybe if you keep saying them it won’t feel like ice is filling veins or that you’re hemorrhaging from the valves of your heart. Maybe it’ll stop the ringing in your ears and the shaking of your hands. “He left me. He left—”

The left hallway light flicks on, and Ten shuffles out of his bedroom, yawning. When he makes out your silhouette, crumbling against Johnny’s, he inhales sharply. “Y/n? What’s wrong?”

Johnny answers for you, which is for the best, because wetness is pooling in your eyes, and you think that if you open your mouth again, there will be rain that you cannot stop. “Taeyong. I think he just told her about him… leaving.”

Ten rubs his temples and swears in several languages, the noises jumbling together. “I told him not to wait. God, that idiot…”

And that’s all it takes, for the storm to break upon you. You squeeze your eyes shut as a deep numbness fills you from the bridge of your nose to the tips of your fingers so that the heat of the tears slipping down your nose feels like liquid fire. The rest of you feels like ice, like hail and sleet have fragmented inside of you, shards ripping apart your throat and shredding your lungs. The sobs that follow leave you gasping for air.

Ten’s slender body curls against yours, his arms closing snugly around your waist, his lethargic pulse a staggering contrast to the thunder of yours. He doesn’t bother saying anything to comfort you, and neither does Johnny. They hold you there, in silence, until you’ve cried yourself to exhaustion.

On the floor by the door, your phone lays forgotten, Taeyong’s last texts to you glowing dimly on the screen.

[4:00] Taeyong: Before you read the rest of this, I want to apologize first. I wouldn’t be able to get the words out if I said them face to face. I’m sorry. I’m a coward.

[4:05] Taeyong: Earlier, when we were on the beach, looking up at the stars, you asked me what I was worrying me. I was thinking that even after all this time… I’m still as lost as I was the day you met me. Still searching for something. Still wandering.

[4:06] Taeyong: So I made a last minute decision to go back to Korea with my family. I can’t explain it, but something is calling me there.

[4:09] Taeyong: I would’ve said goodbye, but I don’t think either of us could have handled it. Me especially. I wouldn’t have been able to go. Not if I heard your voice, telling me not to. Not after… all that.

[4:06] Taeyong: I wish I could at least tell you when I’m coming back but, truthfully, I can’t come back until I’ve found my way. 

[4:11] Taeyong: My flight is boarding right now. Knowing you, you’ll have gone to the apartment to see if I’m really gone. You’d probably beat the shit out of me for scaring you if I was still there. But I’m not there. I almost wish I was.

[4:13] Taeyong: I promise, I’ll come back when I’m ready to face you. That’s something I can say for sure. 

[4:13] Taeyong: You’ll always be my northern star.

[4:15] Taeyong: I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.

a/n 2.0: yeah, yikes, taeyong really did that.... especially after a chapter like this, feedback is desirable. the story with Kenneth... that was my ex [name changed, ofc]. and the scars, they are mine. it really has been four years for me. but i have the support i didn’t have back then when i was younger, and i am growing still. the stars still give me hopes and dreams. i hope you look at them and dream too. and like i’ve said before-- if you ever need someone to talk to, i am here. love y’all. ♥

#nct #nct fics #taeyong fics #taeyong smut #taeyong #lee taeyong #nct smut #nct imagines #taeyong imagines #taeyong x reader #taeyong x female reader #nct fanfics #taeyong fanfics #smut #angst #fluff #may have triggering content #stay gold my darlings

[sciencespies]

How ‘Space Lasers’ Will Bring The Solar System Its ‘Broadband Moment’ (And Live Video From Mars)

https://sciencespies.com/news/how-space-lasers-will-bring-the-solar-system-its-broadband-moment-and-live-video-from-mars/

How ‘Space Lasers’ Will Bring The Solar System Its ‘Broadband Moment’ (And Live Video From Mars)

Several upcoming NASA missions will use lasers to increase data transmission from space.

NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center/Amber Jacobson, producer

NASA just unveiled a new antenna that will help push a new era of ultra-fast “space broadband” that could make live TV transmissions from Mars a reality—and much, much more.

Today NASA breaks ground on a new antenna at the Goldstone Deep Space Communications Complex (GDSCC) its deep space communications hub in the Mojave Desert near Barstow, California. It’s an integral part of NASA JPL’s Deep Space Network (DSN), which is how engineers communicate with, and receive data from, its many robotic probes in the solar system and beyond.

Ever since its inception, NASA has used radio waves to send and receive data, which are very dependable, but slow. In fact, it’s rare for any spacecraft to send back images at more than a couple of megabits per second (Mbps). That’s dial-up speed, and it seriously hampers the exchange of scientific data.

There are three complexes in NASA’s Deep Space Network, each placed 120º from each other; California, Madrid in Spain and Canberra in Australia.

Goldstone’s new antenna will include some capability to test optical communications and, specifically, a new technology NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, is working on called Deep Space Optical Communication (DSOC).

If all goes to plan it could mean the Deep Space Network being able to upgrade from slow radio transmissions to super-fast “space lasers” that could massively increase data rates to as much as 10 or even 100 times faster.

Are “space lasers” the solar system’s “broadband moment”?

What are ‘space lasers,’ photonics and Deep Space Optical Communication (DSOC)?

Photonics is simply the science of light generation, detection, and manipulation. Laser light travel in a much higher frequency than radio waves, so can encode more data. Optical communications see data encoded in photons and beamed over laser light, which vastly increases the data rate by a magnitude.

“A ‘space laser’ is a laser qualified to operate in the space environment,” said Abi Biswas of JPL, project manager for the Deep Space Optical Communication (DSOC) project, to Forbes last week. DSOC is the specific new laser communication technology that NASA is now working on. “They are important to NASA for space based science and technology applications such as ranging, time transfer, interferometry, spectroscopy and communications,” said Biswas.

What kind of things could ‘space lasers’ make possible?

“The primary importance of laser communications is increasing the rates and volumes of scientific data returned,” said Biswas. “For example, streaming back HD video can easily be enabled by laser comms.”

A stream of high-definition imagery

Live video feeds from the surface of planets

Real-time data transmission across space

Live video feeds for astronauts

You won’t be able to see them; the lasers will be in the near-infrared region of the electromagnetic spectrum.

What other advantages might ‘space lasers’ bring?

With data streaming from spacecraft much faster, scientists would be able to spend more time analysing data rather than wait for it to arrive. For landings and real-time events like dust storms, that could be critical. Laser communications should also mean that spacecraft can be more efficiency, use less energy, and therefore be smaller.

Deep space communications via laser could increase spacecraft communications performance and … [+] efficiency by 10 to 100 times over conventional means.

NASA/JPL-Caltech

Why are ‘space lasers’ so hard?

Although the data rates are impressive, there are some issues with transmitting data via laser light. Lasers suffer from a lot of interference from Earth’s atmosphere, and there could also be issues with temperatures, the effect of space radiation on the hardware, and that equipment’s ability to withstand launch loads.

Could ‘space lasers’ be used on the International Space Station (ISS)?

“From ISS the typical contact to a ground station is 5-10 minutes, and over this duration multiple bi-directional HD video channels could be exchanged,” said Biswas. “Alternately, a slightly reduced data volume could be relayed back to Earth through a geostationary asset for a longer duration [of around] 45 minutes.”

What about the moon and beyond?

Real-time HD video ‘FaceTime’ will be impossible, but it’s pretty close. “For lunar distances multiple HD video channels with two-second latency could be established bi-directionally,” said Biswas. “This could aid virtual presence on the lunar surface, for example.”

For distant spacecraft data rates would be lower, with the round-trip of laser light taking tens of minutes to hours of latency, depending on the distance.

How fast would ‘space lasers’ be?

Here’s how fast JPL’s engineers are expecting “space lasers” to be:

From low-Earth orbit (ISS and satellites): 10-100 Gb/s

From the moon: 0.1-1 Gb/s

From Mars: 1-100’s of Mb/s  

Would live video feeds be possible from Mars, Jupiter and Saturn? How about from Pluto? 

The ‘killer app’ for laser communications is surely live video feeds from distant planets. Would this be possible? “Live video feeds from Mars will certainly be enabled,” said Biswas, who thinks the ability to stream HD video is one of the key advantages of laser communications. “Scaling laser communications to support the same for farther distances—Jupiter and Saturn—will take some time to develop,” he said. “Streaming video from Pluto seems outside the scope as we understand it today.”

However, it could be tricky to use laser communications to follow a landing live from Mars. “Achieving this with direct to Earth (DTE) links seems risky to implement, but theoretically possible,” said Biswas. “Having an asset like a Mars telecom orbiter that provides relay services would make this more reliable.”

2022’s Psyche mission will study a giant metal asteroid called “16 Psyche” in the solar system’s … [+] asteroid belt—and test “space lasers”.

NASA/JPL

When will ‘space lasers’ be tested?

The launch of NASA’s Laser Communications Relay Demonstration (LCRD) was postponed to early 2021, but the agency has big plans. Its biggest test will come in 2022 when DSOC will form part of the exciting Psyche mission to study a giant metal asteroid called “16 Psyche” in the solar system’s asteroid belt. During that mission the spacecraft will communicate with Earth using laser communications. “An architecture that includes a ground laser beacon will be used to aid link acquisition,” said Biswas. “The flight terminal on-board Psyche will acquire the ground laser beacon and “lock” on it and then use it as a pointing reference to return the data modulated downlink laser.”

Deep Space Communications via Faraway Photons The Deep Space Optical Communication (DSOC) device … [+] will beam high data rates to a telescope at Palomar Mountain, California.

NASA/JPL-Caltech

However, Psyche won’t reach its destination until 2026, so despite the hype, “space lasers” are destined to be a slow-burner.

Wishing you clear skies and wide eyes.

#News

#News