#maybe I’m just depressed & unmotivated | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theshyspy · 2 years

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chiquitita - h.s

summary: your best friend figures out you’re not doing to well and and does something sweet to cheer you up. Friends to lovers???? I’m not sure but that’s what I picture lol

warning: not directly, but mentions depression and a teeny panic attack. Also, tumblr deletes random paragraphs and I don’t even know which anymore so if something feels like it’s missing,,,, its probably that

a/n: I wrote this when I was feeling kinda low and didn’t know who to turn to. It comforted me, and maybe it can comfort you a little too. If you need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out and we’ll be there for each other💕,

(please reblog and interact with this fic and me if you enjoy it, i can't express how much it means and helps me keep writing and making fics!!!!)

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You were tired.

At least that was the answer slipping off you tongue whenever you were asked. The longer version consisted of loneliness and all-consuming dread crippling through you. Like a shadow, it creeped after you everywhere, refusing to leave your side.

Unable to grasp how much longer you could keep going, a part of you longed for someone to pick up on the subtle signs that something was off. To see through the rehearsed smile plastered on your face as your cheeks tinted with red and soft mascara stains rested underneath your exhausted eyes.

But it left you feeling smaller, so insignificant as no one uttered a slight concern.

Shutting the door behind you, a sigh fled your lips as your frame moved further into the hallway. I need to clean, you muttered, glancing at the pile of shoes scattred in front of the entryway.

you couldn’t help how pathetic you felt as your heart sank in your chest. Frustrated over your inability to let the flat look decent, you scoffed mockingly as your head flung backwards. The last time you made your bed was nothing but a faint memory, and you despised what you were turning into. A lazy, unmotivated shell of yourself fighting breakdowns like it was the only thing you knew how to do.

With a heavy heart and a knot tied in your stomach, you moved through the dirty living-room and threw yourself down on the couch. Turning your gaze away from the coffee-table in front of you, you let out a shaky breath. Take-out boxes were scattered around, used mugs decorating the few empty spaces around them. you couldn’t bear to look at it, the mess eating at the itty bits of self-respect left in you.

The silence echoing through the apartment rang in your ears, forcing you to turn around in search for the TV remote. Finding it, you let the first program playing on the screen be the night's background noise.

Sucking in a shaky breath, your cold palms pressed against your burning eyelids. Nerves were creeping up your spine, worsening the throbbing in your chest and the sickening feeling resting in your stomach. you bit the inside of your cheek, anything to keep the trembling of your lips in check.

You dug your fingertips into your skull, letting out a harsh whimper as the impact stung. Only to continue.

Every muscle in your jaw was clenched, brows furrowed as you tried to soothe the burning sensation crawling up your throat.

It was ridiculous really. you could so easily move into the kitchen and get the trash-can, throw away the litter covering the flat surfaces and one of the problems would be gone. It demanded ten minutes at most.

But you didn’t.

You just rolled over in agony, trying to calm the heaving of your chest and ease the lump burning in your throat.

It was spiralling, and you knew that if your focus weren’t changed soon, you’d end up bawling and heaving on the floor.

Turning around again, you pressed your hot cheek into the throw-pillow underneath you and forced your eyes to the cartoon playing on the tv.

There wasn't a clue in your mind as to how long you laid like that as the empty feeling returned to your chest. No matter how much you disliked that feeling, you hated the other one more.

Pushing yourself to an upright position, you let your weight rest on one arm as you gazed out the window. The sun that casted light over your furniture had set, replaced with the soft glow of moonlight.

Your eyes widened in surprise as a soft knock echoed through the apartment. But instead of getting up and opening, you sat quietly plastered in the same spot and let your leg bounce hastily.

Hating the idea of anyone seeing the state you was in, you ignored the second, harder knock and took a deep breath.

“Sweetie, I know you’re home,” the voice, recognised as Harry, said. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

A small knot tied in your stomach as you pressed your palms against the hood of your eyes.

Recently, every plan you’d made was cancelled. Your excuses short and consisting of promises that you’d do it later– which you never did. Of course it had nothing to do with him. He was your safe place, magically easing your mind whenever around.

You just couldn’t bring yourself to do anything. The whole “dealing with mental-illness” situation was rather embarrassing, you thought. Everyone else had their shit together, and there was nothing more humiliating than seeing your peers reach the goals you sat for yourself as every step you took led you the wrong direction.

You were well aware he’d see right through the fake smiles plastered on your face, and you just couldn't deal with it. Not right now.

“Please.” His tone was gentle, almost coating the concern laced through the words of the soft plea.

The rawness in his voice was easy to detect, even through the door and you couldn’t help how it tugged at your heart.

“… I even brought those cinnamon rolls you like so much,” he tempted.

Conscience eating at you, you forced yourself up from the seat. The overwhelming mixture of feelings running wild inside your chest introduced itself as a heavy lump in your throat.

“I’m sorry, H. I’m just not well right now,” you voiced carefully, hoping the white lie would convince him to come back later.

“I can deal with a little flu.”

You were almost surprised over how bad your walls and door were at blocking out noise.

“No, I think I might have covid or something.” For credibility you let out a few coughs, praying it would be enough for him to buy it.

The silence swept over you again, and for a second your heart sank. As much as you wanted to be by yourself and deal with the mess of your home alone, you really didn’t want to be left alone. And the simple thought of him believing your lie and leaving (with the cinnamon-rolls, if you might add), wasn’t as soothing as you presumed.

“You know I love you, but that was the worst fake-cough I’ve ever heard.”

You couldn't stop the laugh slipping off your lips. “I was afraid you’d say that.”

He turned quiet again, as if just listening to your laugh before he spoke again. “I’m not gonna stay long if you don’t want me to, I promise, I just need to see you.”

Biting your lip, you let out a shaky breath and placed your hand on the handle. Unlocking, you pushed the crack open enough for your head to stick out.

The soft glow above him casted shadows down his frame, but you could still tell how he relaxed under your gaze. His muscles unflexing as he quirked his lips upwards in relife.

“Honestly, did you open for me or the cinnamon rolls?”

Chortling, you rolled your eyes and answered. “How could you even ask that? The cinnamon rolls, obviously.”

“Of course, stupid question.”

He couldn’t help but notice how tired you looked as he drank in your appearance. Dark bags resting under your eyes, hair greasy and nails bitten down. It was a stark contrast to his rested, sun kissed frame.

Getting self-conscious under the weight of his eyes, you bit your lip and played with the hem of your top.

“I’d invite you in, but everything's a mess.” you said, a tight smile resting on your lips as the lump in your throat grew.

There was no one in the world you was more comfortable around than him, but having even him seeing space was nothing but humiliating. You were supposed to be able to throw away used napkins and put your plates in the dishwayour. To fold your dry laundry within a week of it being done.

But you wasn’t, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it and it only made you feel worse.

“I’ll help you clean.”

Glancing back up at him, he smiled sympathetically as his free hand brushed away the loose strands on his forehead.

“I can’t let you do that.”

“Yes you can,” he argued, folding his arms and letting them rest over his chest.

“I’m not gonna let you keep shutting me out.” His voice was so gentle, silky in your ears as you felt it tug at your heart.

Looking away, you bit the insides of your cheek in a desperate attempt to ease the stinging behind your eyes. You couldn’t grasp how badly you’d craved the softness of his words until he spoke them. It was nothing like how your own words had sounded recently.

“Okay?”

Nodding, you glanced up at him through glossy eyes.

In no time, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around you. One hand gently pressing your head against his chest, his chin resting on top of your hair as the other hand stroked your back.

You screwed your eyes shut, the loving touch forcing out a strangled sob. The soft fabric of his shirt rubbed against your skin, and the hot tears streaming down your cheeks damped it.

“It’s okay, you’ll be okay.”

His words were careful, yet fell off his lips so effortlessly. Sounding like a promise he was determined to keep no matter what.

Softly, he pressed his lips against the top of your head as he let his hand stroke your hair. The simple motion was soothing, calming your hyper breathing.

“Let’s get you inside, eh?”

“Mhm,” you muttered reluctantly. Still not fond of the idea, but rather having that than her neighbours watch your breakdown.

Gently pushing yourself out of his hold, you lifted a shaky hand and dried the tears on your cheeks.

You were the first to move inside to the small hallway. Standing hesitantly, and watching as he took off his shoes and hung his coat.

The hall looked okay. What didn’t look okay however, was the rest of the space.

You could feel how your hands started shaking, slight movement that was barely noticeable as the nerves crawled up your throat again. Your stomach turned and you almost got nauseous just by predicting his reaction.

You followed reluctantly as he led the way. You didn’t know which was worse, not being able to see his reaction or actually seeing it. Either way, his broad shoulders tensed as he let the sight of your living room sink in.

Embarrassment bubbled over, and it was an automatic response as apologies and self-deprecating comments spewed out of you.

He turned around, a gentle expression painted across his features as he interrupted you. “I know how much you feel like you need to apologise for this, but I promise you you don’t. No matter how much you want to, I’m never gonna let you apologise for not being okay.”

You looked away and crossed your arms over your chest, feeling small under his gaze.

He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around your shoulders once again. His scent familiar and calming as you breathed him in, resting against him.

“It's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, okay?”

You simply nodded against him as he kissed the side of your head.

“I could fall asleep like this,” you muttered quietly against him, feeling more relaxed than you had in awhile. The motion of his fingers tracing circles on your shoulder blades, slowing your breath.

He squeezed you harder before speaking jokingly. “Oh, really?”

“Mhm.”

“Why don’t you go to your room then, you look like you could use the rest.”

“Gee, thanks Harry you sure know how to make someone feel special.”

He vibrated against you as his chuckle played through your ears. Letting the sound register, you started realising how much you’d missed the sound of his voice.

“But I am serious though, have you gotten enough sleep?”

“Perhaps not the ideal amount, but I’m fine and manage.”

“Right, that’s a no then.”

In a swift motion, you were thrown over his shoulder as he made the way over to your bedroom. The squirming to get out of his hold, having no effect on him.

Laughter was playing through the flat as he threw you down on the unmade bed. Your expression mirrored as he looked down at you with a smile resting on his lips.

“Will you at least keep me company till I fall asleep?”

“Thought you would never ask,” he said, throwing himself down at the empty space next to you.

Your back clung to his torso as his fingers ran across the bare skin on your arms. Goosebumps travelled up your spine, a natural reaction to his warm breath fanning the back of your neck.

You didn’t know how long it took, but as soft humming played through your ears you drifted to a long needed, peaceful sleep.

- - - -

“Nice of you to join me.” He greeted, a grin on his lips as he watched your wide-eyed reaction.

“You did all of this?” Your voice faltered as you gestured aimlessly at the room, letting your surroundings sink in. The floor was spotless underneath him and the table previously littered with take-out boxes, was only filled with the simple decorations you’d placed there.

“I don’t know what to say.”

From what you could see of the kitchen behind him, the countertops were shining and the dishwayour let out steam from a fresh wash.

“It’s too much, Harry.” you lifted your hand and held it in front of your agape mouth.

“Too much? It feels like too little-” he shook his head, “-you’ve been going through so much and I haven’t even been there for you.”

You stepped forward, arms wrapped around his torso as you looked up at him. His eyes wouldn’t meet yours, and you couldn’t help how your conscience weighed in your chest.

“Please don’t say that.” The desperation in your voice was clear as you hated the way your actions had affected him. “I was the one who shut you out.”

“I just feel like I should’ve tried harder.”

“But you’re here now and you’ve done so much-” you glanced out in the room again. “-I don’t even know how to thank you.”

You lifted your face, looking back up at him.

“I’m never gonna let you shut me out again.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

He pulled you closer, a warm smile on his lips. The content sensation in your chest telling you he’d keep that promise.

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@lollypopsx @5-seconds-of-bucky @hoodhoran @suchalonelysunflower @notanacousticsetcal @lukeshemmo

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writingquestionsanswered · 10 months

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What does writing feel like? Not the tactile act. But the mood, the feeling you get when you’re actively doing it. I’ve been feeling down about my work lately. As I draft I feel like I’m pushing through my story more than being excited. Some ppl say maybe just change your story… but this happens to me with every story. I’m very technical about drafting. If I’m not thrilled and immersed am I writing wrong?

Not Feeling Thrilled by Writing

Writing feels different for everyone, and for most of us it varies from day to day and project to project. However, I certainly wouldn't say that being thrilled and immersed are the default feeling most writers feel when things are going well. Writing is a bit of a roller coaster most of the time. The highs of writing (feeling thrilled, immersed, excited, etc.) tend to occur more toward the beginning of the project, during certain scenes or milestones, or during moments of renewed motivation or sudden inspiration.

However, if you're feeling down about writing in general a lot, or about a particular story, it's definitely worth doing some investigating to see if you can figure out what's going on. I'll link some posts below that will help you do that. ♥

5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes! Feeling Unmotivated with WIP Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists Writing and Depression Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

Learn more about WQA

Visit my Master List of Top Posts

Go to ko-fi.com/wqa to buy me coffee or see my commissions

#writing tips #wqaadvice

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thebennsofdallas · 8 months

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Nandor the Relentless, for the win!

I have a confession to make. I’m a Nandor-is-really-smart-he’s-just-grown-lazy-over-700-years truther. He couldn’t have become Supreme Viceroy, ruling over an empire, by being a big dummy. Now, yes, there is much evidence over the centuries to disprove this — the many, many, many undeserving men who became powerful without a brain in their head — but Nandor the Relentless is not one of those (imho).

Nandor has been a vampire for centuries. And life as a vampire is a shiftless, isolating, chaotic existence. They don’t have to try hard to do anything. They can move things, light stuff on fire, hypnotize people to do their will with a wave of their hand. And, in addition, Nandor has struggled with his mental health, too, the one thing that he has no control over. So, he has become complacent, unmotivated, depressed, lonely.

But this year, there’s been a decided change in Nandor. He is OKAY. He recovered his commander mode, like during the pep talk he gave the house when he thought their lives were in danger. He’s laughed more than we’ve seen. Where last year, he was jealous of Laszlo’s closeness with Sean, now, he’s at ease calling the two of them best friends.

And with the return of Nandor’s spirit and wisdom, his competency and his keen understanding, he faced the catastrophes in these last two episodes with renewed focus.

1) He’s been saying it for years, and Guillermo strongly disagreed, but Nandor knew that Guillermo wasn’t ready to be a vampire; as Nandor said, he knows Guillermo better than anyone. We believed that Nandor was just being a selfish dick about turning him. We believe Nandor has abandonment issues and maybe there is an element of that. But Nandor was telling the truth. Nandor said when the time was right, he would do it. And HE knew that the time wasn’t right.

2) When Patton Oswald (!) puts a bug in his ear about repairing his relationship with Guillermo rather than destroy it, Nandor does something truly deceitful and diabolical. And smart. He uses Guillermo’s dear mamá as bait to lure him in for their final confrontation. Nandor may pretend to know nothing of the things Guillermo does outside of the vampire house but he knows how much Guillermo loves his mamá. The superior little smirk on Nandor’s face when he’s on the phone with Guillermo and knows that he has Guillermo right where he wants him is smoking hot.

3) And when Guillermo arrives, the (sexual) tension goes through the roof. Nandor, again, with the smirky face while sitting on the sofa with Silvia, looking at photos of young Guillermo. He’s got the upper hand and he knows it. He’s the victor. He has a plan in motion and, of course, he knows Guillermo better than anyone. He knows that Guillermo won’t kill him.

4) Nandor has the answer to Guillermo’s slow, sluggish transformation. Laszlo, the man of science, didn’t have it after days of experimentation but Nandor did. He knows, at once, even in the midst of learning of Guillermo’s turning, he knows the Van Helsing blood is the problem. And later, when Guillermo comes home, he knows that he needs to taste human blood to complete the transformation and he has some ready to go. Another win for the very smart Supreme Viceroy.

5) And finally, when his fears about Guillermo’s readiness are confirmed, he is immediately proactive. On his own, Nandor conjures an elaborate ritual (with robes and banners!) to, in a way, allow Guillermo to save face. Nandor not only forgives Guillermo his transgression but helps him return to his former self. He reassures him afterwards, letting his hand rest on Guillermo’s shoulder for a long moment. He’s not afraid of Guillermo’s nearness anymore. Nandor is not afraid of anything anymore.

The low point of Nandor’s life — the Wellness cult disaster and the attempt at super slumber — is well behind him now. He’s regained a large measure of confidence in himself. He accepts the limitations of his eternal life and in doing so, he is able to look forward without the weight of that dark dread on his broad shoulders. His future is filled with those people that he can now view as his family — Nadja, Laszlo and even Colin Robinson. And his relationship with his good friend, Guillermo, his closest companion of almost 14 years, is brimming with promise.

#wwdits #nandor the relentless #what we do in the shadows #Season 5 finale #nandermo #but laszlermo too #Why not both #guillermo de la cruz #I think this finale was a win

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levmada · 1 year

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an update on this blog maybe

//depression

sorry i’ve been a little MIA and not posting very much (on my levi rp blog included) mental health has been Bad lately. i really have been struggling to care about anything, including school, and as much as i want to answer requests i’m so unmotivated to do rly anything, especially the last few days. i feel horrible about it.

i have bipolar disorder with a depressive kick and had it for a long time so it’s not like i’m that shocked or idk what to do, this is familiar it’s just worse than usual, coupled with my insomnia getting bad again. this happens sometimes. specifically it’s been that i’m unmotivated or ambivalent to everything for a few hours, then i get manic with this insane bout of “happiness” and racing thoughts, it’ll go away like an hour later, and more or less repeat. so i’ve been struggling with these rly taxing mood changes too.

this makes up a smaller part, but there’s drama that’s been making me enjoy being on tumblr less, and making it feel less like a safe space, and so that’s been stressful and tough for me. i’m not gonna talk about it any more than that, besides that it hurts and i’m just trying to vibe on here until i feel better enough to write like i rly want to. i don’t feel any pressure to write or answer asks or anything, but like i said this is my comfort space and i’m trying to restore it to that.

well anyway, i’ve been p active on here a lot anyway to distract myself, i just feel bad for not interacting or writing like i want to. anddd i wanted to give an explanation in case anyone noticed that. so yeah :) i’m trying to feel better, just wanted to give an update and rant a little

#kane says

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sleepyfemme · 4 months

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slightly frustrating doctor’s appointment today because my doctor seemed pretty set on not taking me seriously that something is wrong. she basically told me that i flagged pretty high on the depression questionnaire so maybe it’s just depression (when literally all the questions were like “do you feel lethargic and unmotivated and unfocused?” which are all also symptoms of being physically unwell) and didn’t seem to take it seriously when i told her that i’ve been depressed plenty of times in my life and i know that that’s not what i’m experiencing right now. she also tried to tell me that maybe i’m just stressed about my board exams (which…. i’m really not at all) and i’m just feeling frustrated because i’ve been feeling so awful lately and i had a lot of hope riding on this appointment

#they are doing some bloodwork to test my thyroid levels and some vitamin levels as well #so fingers crossed i figure out what’s wrong sooner rather than later #personal

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cyanomys · 1 month

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Letting myself be angry at and grieve my illness is a form of healing

I habitually used to call myself lazy or unmotivated when my body fails me or when I listened to my body, when the true reality is that my motivation vastly exceeds my physical capacity. I love life. I love doing things. And then I slam into my limits like a bus into a wall

I learned to blame myself because neither I nor my family were prepared to accept the truth. Because the truth is fucking depressing. Grieving sucks. Accepting my health situation is so much less inspiring than thinking “if I just want to be better harder I’ll get better.”

But blinding myself to reality has caused me to make myself sicker. So much sicker actually. I don’t know how much of my current disability can be attributed to my pushing myself too hard, and what would have happened if I hadn’t. But I’m certain it wouldn’t be as bad.

Fuck it. Having my conditions (vestibular migraine and etc) is a shitty hand to be dealt, and I may never be able to do all the things I wish I could do, and I may be disabled forever. That’s it, I said it, the end.

But that doesn’t mean I’m helpless. Now I have to live in this body and figure out how to make a life with what I have.

If I live within my limits I will a much fuller life than continuing to push myself until I crash over and over, each time slowly chipping away at my abilities and shrinking my world a little more. If I am careful maybe I will even be able to gain back some of what I lost. Patience. I have to accept, and be patient, and be grateful.

Now instead of telling myself “just try harder!” I can say “what compromises can I make to set myself up for success and health.”

Maybe I won’t ever have a “real career.” But I can derive meaning from my hobbies, and maybe even do a little part time work from home someday. I can be grateful for my husband being able to work and support me.

Maybe I won’t ever be able to play roller derby or be a hiker. But I can go on a walk most days and dance a little in my living room. I can be grateful that I am able to stretch my legs.

Maybe I won’t ever be able to go to conventions or play games at busy game stores. But I can play TTRPGs with my friends online, or have friends over for board games. I can be grateful to have a wonderful online community.

Maybe I can’t go on vacations or fly in a plane. But I can go on a picnic with my husband and dog. I can be grateful for good food and that nature is so accessible to me.

#chronic illness #disability #migraine #vestibular migraine #spoonie #anyway if it wasn’t already clear the emgality isn’t helping

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i-spaced-sorry · 2 years

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A Little Help From Your Brothers

Jay Halstead x Will Halstead x Halstead!Sister

Summary: Y/N just graduated college and is struggling. Jay and Will are determined to help!

Warning: Discussion of depression

A/N: This came to me last night while in the shower and has been ruminating in my brain since then. Remember you are loved!

Standing in the door frame, glancing at your form, Jay spoke into the phone, “dude, she has barely left her bed in 2 weeks! And nothing is unpacked. I think something is seriously wrong”

You laid in the dark, staring at the wall, knowing you should care that Jay was snitching on you to Will, but you just couldn’t find the willpower to care.

You had been home from college for less than a month. You had told Jay throughout the first 2 weeks that you would get to unpacking and look for a big adult job. But every time you walked into your room ready to attack the mess sprawled about your floor, you just couldn’t do it. And now you couldn’t even find it in yourself to get out of bed.

“Y/N, Will is coming over in 15, so I’d advise you to get up and maybe shower or at least change,” stated Jay, who was now hovering over your bed. Sighing, you pulled your blanket up under the crook of your neck and closed your eyes.

The next voice you heard was Will’s. “Y/N, are you okay?” You didn’t want to answer, so you shook your head. “What’s wrong?” You shook your head again, you didn’t even know what was wrong, how could you tell your brother. “Can you nod or shake your head to some questions?” pleaded Will. You nodded and Will began; “Do you feel unmotivated?” You nodded. “Okay, Are you overwhelmed?” You nodded again, thinking to yourself, ‘where was he going with this?’ “You're doing great Y/N, last question and I’ll leave you be. Do you have trouble sleeping?” You nodded and felt tears begin to prick your eyes and you blinked to try and stop them from coming. Will smiled sadly and said, “You did really good Y/N, really good. I’m going to go talk to Jay but I’m leaving your lights on” and with that he stood up and walked into the hallway.

“What the hell man! What’s going on with her?” asked a frantic Jay once Will was in the living room. Will sat down on the couch and sighed, “I’m no Dr. Charles, but I think Y/N may be feeling post college depression” Jay took a seat and gaped, “Depression? She’s the happiest kid I know! Maybe she has a little anxiety, but depression? Her? Never!”

Will wiped the palm of his hand down half of his face and replied, “She probably just is dealing with the intense emotions that come with graduating and having to be an actual adult with a job and finances” The two brothers went back and forth trying to pinpoint (without the help of you) when the post college depression may have shown up.

“Okay, so now what do we do? Does she have to be institutionalized? You know she would hate that! Hell, I’d hate not seeing her before and after work.” spiraled Jay. Cutting his brother off, Will spoke, “She probably doesn’t need to be hospitalized, but it would be good for her to talk to someone whether it be Dr. Charles or someone else, just so that we can confirm that this is what it is. We also need to help her manage things. Maybe we can help her tackle unpacking tomorrow? I would say tonight, but I don’t want to push her too much”

Jay agreed to the plan and hoped that you would get through this part of your life, harm free.

THANKS FOR READING! FEEL FREE TO REBLOG/LIKE AND FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED!

#jay halstead #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x reader #will halstead x reader #will halstead #will halstead imagine #halstead!sister

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jka11072 · 6 days

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hi I really really love my account but it keeps distracting me and sometimes my thoughts overwhelms me and I’m gonna delete it on 27 April

and I hate this cycle of recovering (from my thoughts not gain weight lol) and relapsing (I don’t even lose weight)

I’ve been active for like 27 days and I only lost 27 days haha…

anyway until I can actually figure out how to lose weight without hating myself and relapsing sh I’ll make a new account

and if anyone knows how to lose weight in a “healthy way” that doesn’t consume all my thoughts and drives me nuts feel free to tell :)

I wish I could just ⭐️ve peacefully…

I feel like a w@nnarexlc I’ve had an “ed” for six years and only managed to lose 7kg and it wasn’t even intentional I was just depressed and stressed and busy af

I’ve never actually lost due to my “ed” and I hate it I’ve gone on hundreds of diets and my appetite is ruined and I’ve never felt more insecure and for what…

I will get skinny but maybe without hating myself

It’s so unmotivating I get all symptoms of @n@ except weight loss?? I’ve lost hair my nails turn blue I’ve fainted I’ve ruined my teeth I’ve ruined my skin and for what

#@nor3×14 #@na motivation #@nor3xia #@na buddy #st4rv1ng #@tw edd #@na vent #th1gh g@p #34t1ng d1s0rd3r #th1nsp1ration

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aspd-thoughts · 1 year

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I experience aimlessness and a lack of ambition.

I’ve always seen this media stereotype of sociopaths being this “master plan— world domination” type, but I hardly ever plan the day past waking up.

I have no idea what I want to do with my future, and to be honest, I usually just ignore everything. I put in just enough effort to look like I’m trying, but it’s an uphill battle for me to do anything to fulfill my responsibilities.

I’m currently homeless, and while I thought that would do something to give me a push, I still feel no urgency to get my life together. I’m unmotivated, disorganized, and generally tired of working without gain.

I thought this was depression and fatigue. Maybe it is a little. Regardless, I still think ASPD plays a role here— especially since I can’t admit this with irl people. If they knew why I brushed everything off, they’d stop helping me and I’d be on my own. Furthermore, they’d start holding me more accountable and I would stop getting away with it. I think I need that though, even if it’s the last thing I want.

I’m not sure if this is a vent or if I just need to relate with someone. Take this as you wish. I’m trying to make sense to myself. If you have any advice, I might not take it, but it’s still welcome.

I feel the same thing, a lot of the time. I have no idea where I’m going past my most immediate goals, and I sometimes feel a bit like a robot fulfilling its basic programming and then shutting down. Growing up, whenever I was asked what I wanted to be, I’d say whatever would get me the most praise, depending on the person. I don’t really have any negative or positive feeling towards this, just the same neutrality I’ve always felt.

#Alliance asks

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azariyahavingacrisis · 1 year

Text

Hey. What’s your name?

Woah, that’s such a pretty name, it fits you.

Me? My name isn’t important.

How are you?

Is life hitting you again?

That’s alright.

Let it all out.

I’m here for you.

Whatever you’re going through.

Just know, I’m proud of you.

You’re doing great, love.

Your smile is adorable, did you know that?

Yes, it is.

It’s alright to feel tired.

It’s alright to feel hopeless.

It’s alright.

I’m here.

I’m always here.

Forever and ever.

I’m proud of you.

I don’t care what grades you have.

I don’t care how you look.

I don’t care who you are.

Where you are.

Why you’re here.

We all have reasons.

We all have a story to tell.

Your chapter isn’t done, love.

Yet the book is closed.

What happened?

You don’t need to tell me.

I know it’s hard.

I’ll be with you.

And once you’re able to open that book again, let me know.

I’ll throw you a surprise party!

What’s your favorite cake?

I’m not very good at baking, but for you, I’m willing to try.

Chocolate? Simple but delightful.

Leaves a bittersweet taste in your mouth.

It reminds me of someone.

Hehe, anyways.

I leave this book in your capable hands.

No requirements.

I just want you to write your feelings down.

Maybe, a story will be born.

Take this too.

(っ.❛ ᴗ ❛.)っ

|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|

For anyone that needs it ❤

i love you

i love your smile

i love your laugh

i love your personality

i love your hair (or lack thereof)

i love your insecurities

i love your accomplishments

i love your failures

i love your eyes

i love your beauty

i love your handwriting (or the way you communicate)

i love the way you dance

i love you on your happy days

i love you on your sad days

i love you on the days you feel lonely

i love you on the days you feel helpless

i love you on the days you feel like no one cares

i love you on the days you feel forgotten

i love you on the days you feel unmotivated

i love you on the days you feel loved

i love you on the days you feel sick

i love you on the days you feel motivated

i love you on the days you feel depressed

i love you on the days you feel stressed

i love you on the days you feel crazy

i love you on the days you feel hopeful

i love you on the days you feel cuddly

i love you on the days you feel clingy

i love you on the days you feel amazing

i love you on the days you feel beautiful

i love you on the days you feel like a failure

i love you on the days you feel angry

i love you on the days you feel aggressive

i love you on the days you feel horrible

i love you on the days you feel safe

i love you on the days you feel unsafe

i love you on the days you feel vulnerable

i love you on the days you feel weird

i love you on the days you feel ok

i love you when you're healthy

i love how you sing (or hum or feel the music)

i love your taste in music

i love your taste in movies

i love your taste in tv shows

i love the way you move

i love the way you act

i love you when you cry

i love you when you're kind

i love you when you're mean

i love you when you're alone

i love you when you can't feel

i love you when you feel too much

i love you when you can't take life anymore

i love you when you feel like it's too much

i love you when you're asleep

i love you when you have nightmares

i love you when you have dreams

i love how you believe

i love you when you believe in yourself

i love you when you don't believe in yourself

i love you when you hate yourself

i love you when you love yourself

i love the way you think

i love your problems

i love your solutions

i love how you support

i love you when you're in pain

i love you when you're hurt

i love your promises

i love your secrets

i love your attitude

i love your sass

i love your creativity

i love your voice (or lack thereof)

i love your hand gestures

i love your stories

i love your wounds

i love your scars

i love your face

i love your past

i love your future

i love your present

i love your outfits

i love your style

i love your art

i love your honesty

i love you when you lie

i love you when you're tired

i love you when you're energetic

i love how you look

i love how you cook

i love you when you're adventurous

i love you when you're scared

i love your imperfections

i love your perfections

i love you when you worry

i love you when you talk (or communicate)

i love your opinions

i love you when you have a headache

i love you when you have a stomach ache

i love you when you help others

i love you when you need help

i love you when you're mature

i love you when you're immature

i love you in the hard times

i love you in the easy times

i love you when life is meh

i love you when you're responsible

i love you when you're irresponsible

i love you when you fight

i love you in your darkest moments

i love you in your brightest moments

i love your heart

i love you in the day

i love you in the night

i love you at midnight

i love you at 3 am

i love you at all times

i love you at your best

i love you at your worst

i love the little things you do

I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH

(This is all platonic♥)

Reminder: You're doing great, im so proud of you❤‍🩹

|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|

I’m proud of you for waking up.

I’m proud of you for brushing your hair.

I’m proud of you for blinking.

I’m proud of you for breathing.

I’m proud of you for making your bed.

I’m proud of you for eating.

I’m proud of you for TRYING to eat.

I’m proud of you for drinking water.

I’m proud of you for being here.

I’m proud of you for being you.

I’m proud of you for smiling.

I’m proud of you for continuing on even when things are difficult for you.

I’m proud of you for standing up.

I’m proud of you for blinking.

I’m proud of you for getting out of bed after spending the whole day in bed.

I’m proud of you for brushing your teeth.

I’m proud of you for standing up.

I’m proud of you for sitting down.

I’m proud of you for defending yourself.

I’m proud of you for believing in yourself.

I’m proud of you for simply trying.

I’m proud of you for being alive.

IM PROUD OF YOU!!

#im proud of you #you're doing great

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reikeip · 2 years

Text

Crossroad ♱ Crowd 8

Talks of death and depression

Location: Underground Livehouse

Rei: “And by the way. The rules only vaguely stated this, but…”

“Votin’ rights go to every single person in the underground livehouse.”

“So in short, even us performin’ on stage count~”

“Meanin’ everyone here is allowed to sing, dance, an’ vote.”

“Well, unless ya have unusually low self-esteem, it’s human nature to wanna raise your own score instead of some stranger’s, right?”

“Yeah, feel what I’m sayin’? If ya get it an’ wanna join my group that’ll be formed later, raise your hands high!”

“One, two, three… Ooh, that’s a lot ♪”

Keito: ……

Rei: I think you get it. You’re smart, Bouzu, so I’m sure ya can work it out… it’s my victory.

That’s too bad. Ya worked so hard, but you lost. If I leave before the vote, the score you’re gonna get shall fall.

And, I made it known that right after this, I’m gonna be singin’ in another group anyway.

That new group won’t have a limit to how many members it can have. I’ll accept as many people as there are here in the underground livehouse.

So, naturally, everyone here’s gonna give themself the highest score.

Oh my. Looks like there’s no point in settin’ Kiryuu-kun on me to shut me up now. Even if ya restrained me now, it wouldn’t matter.

‘Cause I think everyone here has their heart set on joinin’ my side.

So, in the worst case scenario, we will still win even if I can’t sing. Anyone would vote for their cute selves, so victory is still ours.

The winner of this DEADMANZ live will be my group.

Now I won’t dare do it, but I could give the order, an’ make these delinquents even more wild than they are now~

That’s the rules, right? The losers of the DEADMANZ live yield to the winner…

So, it’s like becomin’ the ruler of the underground livehouse.

I could take the trouble you’re gettin’ from this underground livehouse an’ make it impossible for ya to resolve. Your whole plan would be set back, and as you’d fail to meet my requirements, you’d lose.

From now on, I’ve got no reason to serve ya.

So if ya can understand that, just give it up an’ surrender. This is checkmate.

There’s no rule sayin’ ya can’t join more than one group. Why don’t you guys join us?

So, let’s all get along an’ sing together. Come now, Bouzu ♪

Keito: …Why? Why are you doing this, Sakuma-san? I admit it, I was naive… I lost. But, I just don’t understand.

Everyone’s so unmotivated—hard, honest work just doesn’t have any value…

Everything is decomposing, decaying—how can you see the situation and turn a blind eye to it?

Why, why won’t you help me? With you as our boss, it wouldn’t be impossible to reform this miserable status quo!

I can’t do this on my own; I need your help!

I’m… I’m so weak, that a plan I poured all my heart and soul into polishing can be overturned with just the snap of your fingers.

Help me, I’m begging you, Sakuma-san.

Rei: I can’t. It hurts my heart, but I gotta turn ya down, even though ya bowed and begged for me.

So on the contrary, I’ll ask you this. Hey, Bouzu, if I did lend you a hand… Maybe Yumenosaki Academy will change for a bit.

Maybe, just like what ya hope for, everyone would start takin’ things more serious.

I could say hey, let’s do our best together, and cheer everyone one.

But, what happens after that? What happens when I graduate? What happens if I quit bein’ an idol. What happens if I betray ya again, like I did now?

We’d come right back to where we started. It’s possible that, because everyone treats me this way… maybe I’m some special being.

But it’s because we’re rare, these superior beings that are scarcely found, that we are called geniuses.

If ya include somethin’ like that as the main part—the very foundation—of all you’ve built… well, it just won’t sustain itself~

I’m not some god~ Sorry, but I don’t wanna keep walkin’ ‘round with the whole world on my back for everyone else.

I, too, have dreams. I have my own life. Are ya tellin’ me to sacrifice all that as some sorta charity work for everyone else? I hate to say it, but I'm sick of it.

If I really was born to be special, I wanna reach out and grab something nobody else can touch.

That’s why I became an idol—that’s why I was born.

Now, is that suuuch a crime? Is allowin’ me that much egotism a no-no~?

If that’s true, I wish I was never born. Instead of risin’ as some sorta corpse, I should’ve just sayed in the dirt.

Hey Bouzu, I just wanna live normally as my own person—is it monstrous for me to wish for happiness?

If ya want to live for yourself, is that arrogant?

Everyone else, they get to live like that, don’t they? So why am I the only one who can’t have that?

Is it because I’m not human, but some blood-suckin’ demon? Do you see me that way, too?

Well if I’m not human, I got no obligation to serve humanity, got it?

Keito: ……

Rei: This planet, it’s moved by a countless number of no-names. The main character of this world is that crowd of nobodies.

If just one remarkable character goes ‘round dictation’ everythin’, there’s a limit to how far they can go.

If ya create a system where the weak, foolish, countless people are the base—it’ll still work properly regardless.

But if ya use someone like me, they could go out on a whim an’ screw around, like I did this time…

Somethin’ like that will easily collapse. Take the fragile, fickle, an’ easy solutions an’ kiss them goodbye.

Build a structure so strong it could go through any sorta natural disaster an keep standin’. Build somethin’ so tough that even if I went on a rampage, it wouldn’t crack.

If ya do that, that’s when ya can say you’ve achieve your revolution, right?

…Whoops. I shouldn’t be chattin’ away like it’s nothin’, I’m gonna bore all the guests who gathered here to see us.

Sing, Bouzu. Save all the troublesome thoughts for home, ya can take ‘em there to think ‘em over.

You—you’re still so young… you got plenty of time ahead of ya to reflect on this.

← previous | all | next →

#reikeiptls #rei sakuma #keito hasumi

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shostakobitchh · 9 months

Note

idk if you feel down as a fit writer sometimes, feel unmotivated or feel unseen, but I wanted to let you know that I (we) am here for you, and I adore your fic, your writing, and your characters. (this is very unhealthy lmao) I was going through a low wave recently, still riding it, but I would check your Tumblr everyday just to check if you'd posted another chapter, even maybe a sneak peek. I was hanging by a thread, but you kept me going.

your words have power, and I'm so happy to have stumbled on this fic so thank you

thanks for sending me this, nonnie, have been feeling super down about the fic as of late and this was the pick me up I needed. ❤️❤️❤️

to be honest with you, I go through ups and downs with it. sometimes it’s plain ol’ motivation that sucks the wind out of my sails; other times I feel really motivated but unseen/irrelevant so I feel unmotivated again. sometimes I wish I had ended the fic at year 1 but I genuinely felt like it needed to go all the way through, but idk, maybe that’s my indecisiveness.

I know I write probably the most unpopular niche in the fandom but sometimes it feels like a very lonely island, lol. i’m glad this fic has been able to bring you a little joy, I remember fics like that for me when I was severely depressed in college and they saved me (in the most unhealthy, disassociating way LOL).

#sam speaks #aim and ignite #writing until my hands fall off #ask #anon

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yuujispinkhair · 2 years

Note

I think tumblr in general is just going down hill. So many creators have left - largely because of a lack of interaction and enthusiasm with their works - the same creators who reblogged a lot . It’s getting a bit depressing. I understand, I used to get so many interactions last year and now it’s like dead, even my dash is kinda dead these days. Don’t get me wrong, I write for myself more than anyone else, but at the same time I’m putting out free content for others to enjoy - content that I KNOW is good but nothing changes. Idk, it’s frustrating and annoying. I hope people on here realise how much comments and reblogs do for writers and other creators because more and more of us are becoming unmotivated to produce anymore work and feeling tumblr burnout causing us to leave .

YES I AGREE!! I am seriously considering going on a writing hiatus atm. I sat down to write today but then saw the few notes on my new Yuuji fic, and I was like, "Why should I even put all that time and work into writing if this is all I get in return? Might as well just watch anime or play a computer game in my free time."

Maybe I am extra frustrated right now because I just reached another milestone and got 3000 followers. I wanted to do a little event, but it just feels so fake now because out of those 3000 people, only the same few ones (who I love and appreciate very much!!) interact with my stories and leave nice feedback. The rest don't even seem to read them, or if they do, they just click the like button. I'm sorry, but that's not enough. 3000 people follow a Yuuji blog, and then only about 6 of them actually say that they enjoyed it when I post a Yuuji story :( What am I doing wrong?

I used to get so many notes and so much sweet feedback. I have no idea what changed. Maybe it's because a lot of my mutuals left? And the new people have their own friends groups which they support?

Or did the quality of my writing get worse? Are my fics too long or too boring? All I know is that it makes me sad, and I feel inadequate anytime I publish something nowadays because it never gets the feedback I was hoping it would get. I assumed that maybe the JJK fandom is dead in general or that people don't want to read about Yuuji, but I see other authors' Yuuji fics get lots of interactions so that can't be the problem either.

Now I assume that people are tired of seeing me write about Yuuji, or they suddenly don't like my way of portraying him anymore. It makes me so sad. I always put so much thought into my stories and try to be creative, and it's important to me to write in character. But now it seems like all of this isn't good enough anymore.

Yes, I always give the advice to others that they should write for themselves and I am doing that too of course. But if I only write for myself, I don't have to spend hours editing and perfecting my stories. I can just write a few short sentences with lots of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes and leave the rest to my imagination.

I have so many ideas and things I was excited to write and share with my followers, but now I feel like most of them wouldn't be interested in them anyway. Maybe I will write those stories for myself, but I won't publish them.

Despite the complaining, I want to say thank you to the people who always interacted with my stories and gave me sweet feedback and were excited about my ideas and supported me!! I love you so much and I am very grateful for you!!

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