#maybe i'm gonna delete this again

[jerirose]

외로움이라는 단어에 조금씩 무뎌져 [Little by little I become numb to the word loneliness] © Jeri Rose | Ko-Fi | Commissions - OPEN

#stray kids #skz #stray kids fanart #bang chan #bang chan fanart #art #artists on tumblr #digital portrait #realism portrait #black and white #stays art #bystay #christopher bang #jeri rose #I'm gonna be brave and upload this again... maybe log off for a few hours so I don't delete it again hahaaha

[raiiny-bay]

today's drawing efforts

#if you saw me post this earlier & delete it no u didn't #i decided i wanted to color one of the sketches lol #i'm once again stating that i cannot pick a consistent style #maybe i should just embrace it at this point #n e way. #i actually meant to sit down & do a mbz drawing today but. didn't happen. it's fine #rainyrambles #myart #<- putting it in the actual art tag bc i'm never gonna finish the other sketches so #this is done as far as i'm concerned #dhestyn #kelly

[saltydoesstuff]

Y'all ever just not feel real?

Like you're there, but not there. You feel things, but you aren't. It all feels the same, which is nothing- or it's too fuzzy to tell any difference? You see yourself, but it's not you. You don't recognize yourself in the mirror, you don't know who that is, but it isn't you. You don't know what you look like, but it isn't what is in the mirror.

I want to do things, but I can't. And I don't know why.

I don't like these days.

#saltyrants #derealization #depersonalization #tw derealization #tw dereality #tw depersonalization #should i talk to a doctor about this? #maybe #but the last time i tried i got literally ignored so i don't know if i wanna try again #same with when i ask if i can get tested for the tism ifjekwn #this time of year my mental health always crashes and burns so i'm sorry in advance if i just like dip off the face of the earth #i still love all of you /p it just be too tiring to post sometimes #probably gonna delete later iebkjadsn

[theforgottendaydreamer]

tw for op's dangerously irresponsible drinking habits!! i'm a bad example!! i drink the pain away!! don't do this!!

...

so. i just came to after THE most disastrous night. i was hurting. told my friends i needed a drink. purposefully drank way too much, talked about my ex and sex-related traumas to some unifriends, came out as trans to my bff, made it home in one piece god knows how, napped for like an hour with coat and shoes still on and keys still in my hand, then got horribly sick, forced myself to make toast and drink water, got sick again, forced myself to make more toast and drink more water, peed like fifteen times, and woke up like half an hour ago at five something in the morning with toast on the bed? i thought i'd eaten it all? but there is a slice of plain toast on the mattress. phone's battery at 6%, heart coming out of my ass, stomach all fucked up. and my head is fucking killing me. like i don't think i've ever drank this much before. i got home at like 9 pm which means i haven't touched alcohol since 8 and that was over 9 hrs ago. i don't think that my head's still supposed to spin, not after i had water and toast multiple times. i can't even take shit for it because i'm not going to fucking die mixing alcohol and meds. although i think i threw up most of it? anyway. this is like- my new low. unsurprisingly, i'm hurting even more now.

#i feel like i need to throw up again but maybe it's just bc my head hurts #gonna finish the mysterious toast. get up. pee again. drink some water. brush my teeth.-> #-> then sleep again until the construction workers on my balcony wake me up #which will happen in huh 2 hrs circa #alcohol tw #alcohol cw #i think this counts as a suicide attempt. that was my intention yesterday. now i just wanna sleep. not suicidal atm #delete later #jason todd would not be proud #update: slept 3 more hrs. had breakfast. now i'm waiting for something to be delivered but after that: shower. mandatory #also my headache is tolerable. nothing a liter of water can't fix

[running-in-the-dark]

eww I'm sorting through photos from my old phone (not the last one, the one before that. five years later....) and there's a bunch from all my hospital stays and it's making me feel really bad 🙃

#really not good times #I was in soooo much pain #all the time #I don't want to remember that #though I guess it's good to be reminded sometimes (cause it justifies that I had my gallbladder removed. yeah it fucking sucks now but damn #it was SO MUCH worse before...) #anyway I'm not gonna delete them I think 🙃 but I won't look at them now. or maybe ever again. but I'll still keep them #personal #I honestly don't even know which phone these are all from. I must have reset it at some point and saved them before that because it's very #random/weird times lol

[threadbaresweater]

Me when I only have two-ish people left to scream about Jihyun Kim to

#sorry for all the mystic messenger madness i just #look #i know it's old news and no one wants to play it or talk about it anymore but #but #and i know I'm not exactly part of that fandom anymore and i don't really even know what the hell I'm doing here anymore anyway #but that's a different story for a different time #and i just think maybe sharing is more fun than screaming alone #and I'm stomping my feet like a toddler yes i realize #and I'm gonna post this and then delete it because it's embarassing so thank you come again #Aaaauauauuuuuguggghhhhhh

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :) #09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again? #probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring! #but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah) #11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it! #maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead... #1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

[mattodore]

i hit 3k pins on the oc boards last night without even noticing 🥺

#river dipping #what’s funny is i just deleted like forty pins from theo’s board that didn’t represent him anymore and i STILL have 3k 😭 #theo’s board is years old and i cleaned it out a few times before but i finally was like okay no. #some of these pins just don’t make sense for him at all you need to delete them even if you’re attached to them atp. #i need to do the same with some of matthias and dionte's early pins too but i've been putting it off #anyway <333333333333333!!!!!!!!!! i'm going to read for an hour or two and then it's back in cas to start on theo's mom #i finished his dad last night i just didn't post abt it #theo's parents are gonna look much younger than matthias's but they're probably close in age. theo's are maaaybe a little younger... #ALSO...... i realized when i was making theo's dad that like. theo and matthias aren't close in age like matthias and imani. #like there's a 2-4 year age gap there... so like. for the edit i'm just gonna make them both fifteen anyway and say Oh Well! #like just pretend there's no age difference #me being like 'i don't wanna give exact ages at the current spot in the story' is fine until i wanna do something like this kdfjgnk #theo's in his early twenties and matthias is in his mid-twenties #theo's like..... somewhere between 22-24 and matthias is somewhere from 25-26... no more than 27 that's for sure #theo's still in university is the thing... like i've always been like theo's 24-ish but realized like hang on... he should be younger #he's very studious and his course load is STACKED so if anything he should be out of university by 22... which is where i've hit a snag #i was thinking oh maybe he could've taken a gap year but like. his parents wouldn't have allowed that at all. #and then i was like okay... maybe he went to rehab for a year so he's behind...? #but again........ his parents wouldn't have allowed him to disgrace the family name publically like that by admitting he has problems #so like... i'm just sort of covering my mouth and mumbling whenever i talk about ages lmao #i just don't want theo to be really young and i don't wanna budge on matthias's age either #idk idk i'll think of something. maybe it can relate to the breakdown he's meant to have... #...anyway. out of the oc soup and into this book <3

[cerbreus]

#hi look at this pic of my kitty #no need to rb #my prev coworker/project lead/program director for a project i worked on for 2 years has reached out w/ another job opportunity and ngl #i am excited! #it's another contract position (which i'm fine with!) working on an edu game and i'm excited to work on smth that maybe? possibly? #could ship??? #also ngl the prospect of getting to work on a game again is reviving my passion #and making me realize my portfolio is so so out of date #this will however be my like #3rd job #technicall #my main job n then my other contract job that'll start eventually making some more buildings for our old build for the historical game for #the museum #so ough #gonna have ta get my shit figured out #i kind of hope i get to work with my old coworker too ngl he is a joy to work with #personal stuff #deleting this later probably lmfao #i'm not and haven't been under any nda's and im allowed to speak freely abt my work/projects but yknow #just excited wanted to share exciting news

[dadbots]

August… time to get spooky.

#dadbots.txt #this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes. #I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh. #idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs. #best way to describe it LOL #been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just. #where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda. #just one of those moments yknow. #it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest - #- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing. #I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it. #I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month - #and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really. #don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often #and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow. #maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year. #not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat #though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all. #won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well. #and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really? #shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year. #I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now. #let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way. #hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽

[buckleyseddie]

...

#i need to drown my phone in a lake #and maybe also ****** #i'm too attached to this stupid hellsite even if lately it isn't really fun #i see too many posts that feel like a punch in the gut #and apart from a handful of people (who i appreciate a lot don't get me wrong) i don't really. interact with anyone? #so i shouldn't want to come back but. i still do #like i've barely posted anything this week but not because i'm not here it's because i just don't feel like it #like. i see posts that i like but they're piling up in my likes and i don't feel like rbing them #i just don't feel like doing anything #so yeah i should delete the app but. let's face it i probably won't #but i should #and drowning my phone would be very helpful cause it would leave me no choice but to stay off tumblr #which would reduce my daily crying by at least 10% #also not having many people to interact with here is definitely my fault like i know people are nice and i can reach out and make friends #but also i. don't think more internet friendships are what i need right now #again. i love and appreciate the ones i have and i wouldn't change them for the world but. yeah #anyway this is pointless cause i'm still gonna be here tomorrow #maybe soon i will be able to actually enjoy it and engage again #monse talks

[mcalhenwrites]

Seriously, I wish I knew what I was doing wrong with my writing, tho, bc if I want to be a career author, why can't I get anyone to engage with what I share for free? Isn't that a sign of being EXTEMELY BAD AT THIS?! (And yeah, lots of my followers aren't active, some might be bots that slipped through, and people miss things on their dashes, but most of the time, I get notifs for reblogging other people's writing from the couple of hundred who must still be active out of nearly 1k. Whatever I post? Not wanted.) And please don't "write for yourself" at me if you see this, bc I've been writing for over 30 years and couldn't name anyone else I am doing it for. Even with gift fics, I don't write anything I don't want to. Edit: Also like... it's hard to express these feelings and not go, "ugh, shut up shut up" to myself, but... I can't really keep going on like this (with the nonstop only-ever-experience-failure* part), I just can't. *Some people never do anything but fail, we try and try and try and maybe maybe maybe it'd help to be believed that when we can't swim on our own, we drown Another edit: I just... I want to be good enough, and I want to be happy, and I want time and spoons to write, and I want to stop waking up scared bc things keep getting worse and I can't save myself.

#I want to give up and never do and that's great for the handful of people who still want something to do with whatever the fuck it is I do #I thought about a year ago I was finally at the level of skill to maybe try to share again #but the truth is... I'm not sure I'll ever be good enough #if you have a hard time and struggle for this long how can you NOT question yourself????? #heck even stuff I reblog doesn't get much traction through me... like I'm some kind of taint on other writers #but even then the biggest taint is what I make and I might as well give up only I NEVER DO LIKE THE IDIOT I AM #and yeah my saying this isn't going to change anything #getting better doesn't change anything having confidence doesn't even change anything #I actually found out people are more hostile when you suddenly have confidence when they prefer when you didn't... #I'm trying not to lock all my writing up again but the urge to delete it or private it is so strong again #I don't think my writing is all that bad and some people see something in it but I need support and boosting or I'm just gonna wither #and at this point I'm going to die with my stories covered in dust and that feels like the only thing I deserve #and hell enough people openly agree with that sentiment that it's about all I know

[siena-sevenwits]

.

#Ugh - tumblr ate my complaining about Lockwood post (deleted half of what I said at odd points!)but I am so annoyed I'm gonna write it again #but maybe in the morning.

[painfully-unoriginal]

#p #i have to try so hard not to get irritated when ppl ask me over and over again to draw the same thing #like. i feel so mean bc i kno u dont mean to be forceful or whatever. #but after a certain point its like #...... first of all unless i state otherwise i am not taking requests and i am going to draw what i want to at my own pace #and second of all u kno that thing where like #ur already doing something. and then someone tells u to do the thing ur already doing. and then u dont wanna do it anymore #yeah. lmao #and third of all ive already replied to these ppl. ive already given them an answer and yet they continue #either be patient with me or just move on? u asking me over and over isnt gonna make me draw what u want me to #and it certainly isnt gonna make me do it any faster than i already am?? #idk maybe I'm being unreasonable or whatever but it just kinda gets on my nerves #delete later #plus like i have said i have A JOB #a job with very long and demanding hours and as such i have limited time to draw which im absolutely not happy abt either #im doing things as fast as i can and its stressing me out bc i have so much i wanna draw and no time to do any of it #so please. please understand when i say i need to draw what i want at my own pace its for my own sake LMAO

[fratboykate]

Hey papi, how is it going? We miss you around here

just finished rereading all of cfau like two seconds ago. ngl...i kind of hate it but...again...im my own worst critic so 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️. ironic that the only chapter i wouldn't tear to shreds and do a page one rewrite on is the shooting chapter. the one that kept this from being done for years and that i ended up randomly writing on impulse last year is genuinely the only one that isn't absolute hot garbage from top to bottom lol funny how that worked out

#phewwwwwww...I might delete this #it's like...SOOOOO not good hahaha #idk idk idk #I think I'm just having weird feelings about all my shit right now but YIKES AS FUCK lol #y'all have been lying to me for years cuz ain't no way so many of you actually think this was good jfnsjdmdjejfjejf #i was so proud of this at points and it's FUCKING SHIT #I'm just gonna...take a small leap off a building roof brb #yikes this is embarrassing lol #how do I even have a job 😂😂😂 #idk i think this strike is getting to me lol #anyway.......I'm going to go live in shame now maybe I'd never reread this because in the back of my mind I knew it was fucking trash #🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ #living in blissful ignorance was better 😂😂😂 #I'm never writing another word of anything again 🥴🥴🥴 Im just going to go become a plumber or some shit #cuz wtf was that lol #so embarrassed lololol #now I know why shit has been flopping I'm just ass at this Lolol #cfau #anonymous #answers

[risingsunresistance]

every day there is a little animatic in my head of the masquerade events set to white ball by miracle musical. i have the entire thing planned out, every single panel. and then the song ends and i draw nothing and i go back to normal

#i tried to draw the very end with the ''such impossible bliss'' line playing over and over #but i hated it and deleted it immediately fkjdhsg #i should. try again maybe #i should rewatch the masquerade again #*stares at the line ''round the already dead // hung by staircase up''* oh you have Potential. #i need to figure out what a song fic ACTUALLY is bc even tho it'd be bad (i cannot write) maybe it'd get it a bit more out there #bc there is no way i'm ever finishing an entire animatic if i cant even sketch a single panel without getting frustrated #just gotta. get it out there. i need to share it somehow. no one else is gonna make it for me so i gotta share it myself somehow fkjhg #chat