#maybe not much sensorial reactions etc

[honeyflower-bellybower]

excuse me but why are we as a fandom not talking about adhd Hinata and autistic Kageyama

like

Hinata is canonly hyperactive, easily distracted and hyperfixating on specific things. When asked by Hitoka if he didn't like studying he said it's "hard to sit still all that time"

Kags has a hard time figuring out facial expressions and body language, can learn and memorize super easily only things he has a passion for (which is only volleyball), is often rude without noticing but at the same time he shows sympathy (he understands when Hinata is pressured and what Suga is feeling when he has to leave his place as a regular to him for example).

also explain this to yourselves but autistic Ushiwaka too

#i mean they just make so much sense to me #maybe not much sensorial reactions etc #but yk #whatever #outta rewatch to find more #haikyuu #hq #haikyuu fandom arise #hinata shoyo #kageyama tobio #kageyama #hinata #haikyuu headcanon #autistic kageyama #adhd hinata #autism #adhd

[subskz]

what’s the worst punishment for each skz member? one that will for sure put them in check, and will make them beg you for mercy just at the mere mention of it?

what a fun question 😽

chan - anything that involves denying him attention. he will crumble instantly if you tie him up and make him watch you get off by yourself instead of letting him please you. it turns him into a teary begging mess, esp if u taunt him by saying the toy/your fingers make you feel better than he ever could~ alternatively: tying him up and using a vibrator on him without actually touching him yourself, or riding his face when he has a ballgag in his mouth so he can’t actually eat u out. he’ll break instantly bc he channie handle being ignored and he hates not being useful to you

lino - as difficult as he is, smth as simple as edging/orgasm denial usually does the trick. he’d never admit it, but being denied just a few times is all it takes for his patience to run out and get him pliant for you like no other punishment can. it reminds him that he’s powerless as much as he likes to pretend otherwise, and only you can decide whether he gets to feel good or not. once you’ve edged him enough the brat in him melts away and he’ll do anything just for you to let him cum. esp if you gag him so he can’t even mouth off while you edge him

binnie - spanking…he always acts like he can take it and he honestly basks in pride when you give his ass attention, but poor binnie starts squirming around and whimpering out apologies after just a few slaps bc the sting is too much for him to bear when it just keeps coming and coming w no praise or relief to get him through it…not to mention he bruises easily 🥰 (it rarely gets to the point where you’d need to punish him anyway bc just telling binnie he’s being a bad boy will usually put him in check right away!)

hyunjin - he relishes in most punishments and sometimes even tries to get them, so they key w hyune is to give him his way, but pretend to be uninterested while you do it. it’s very simple but very effective! have him top you/give you head but give him no reactions, fuck him like he’s a toy while you act completely unaffected or even bored. if he’s being bratty, let him dry hump you while you focus on some other task and dont acknowledge him. it drives him wild and has him apologizing in no time, begging for you to please look at him, pay attention him, remind him he’s yours

jisung - chastity cage/not allowing him to touch himself is the way to go w hannie! he can usually handle most types of pain, humiliation, edging/overstim, etc, but being completely denied any kind of pleasure at all is his nightmare. he’ll be whining the instant you threaten to lock him up, even just waving the key to his cock cage around immediately makes his eyes go wide as moons and has him on his knees for you, ready to behave ♡ if you really wanna be mean you can make him give u head while wearing his cage to earn forgiveness, and only take it off once he makes you cum

felix - sensory deprivation, specifically touch! like jisung and hyune, felix actually enjoys a lot of “punishments” to the point where it’s more like a reward to him. but one surefire way to always put him in his place is refusing skinship: tying his hands up and blindfolding him so he can’t see or feel you, or even better, leaving him unbound but smacking his little grabby hands away every time he tries to touch you ): he can’t take it at all and will immediately start to beg for forgiveness, maybe even getting teary eyed bc he knows he messed up bad

seungmin - he doesn’t handle humiliation very well, especially anything public. he knows you wouldn’t actually do it bc he’d die of embarrassment, but smth like threatening to make him wear his collar out in public has his stomach flipping immediately, you can see the moment his face shifts from smug, stubborn brat to kicked puppy. in terms of punishments that u actually enact…having recordings of him writhing and whimpering for you from the last time you fucked is a great way to remind him of his place <3

jeongin - overstimulation! innie is super sensitive so this punishment is a combination of everything that makes him weak. putting clamps on his pretty nipples, putting a bullet vibrator inside of him, and jerking him off all at once so the poor baby is so overwhelmed from all directions he can’t even think abt disobeying you anymore. he has a love/hate relationship w it bc it feels so good but it gets the most humiliating reactions out of him bc he can’t control his body. he’s another one who’d start to tear up, first out of embarrassment/guilt, then once he cums and you keep overstimulating him, he cries bc the pleasure is too much for him to take

#ask #💌 skz #my first answer for seungmo was psychological warfare #offer to be his healer in overwatch and then let him die

[ashironie]

OMG I JUST LISTENED TO THE NEWEST EPISODE AND—

Gerry sound so… happy

At first I didn’t recognize his voice and assumed Jonny just named another character Gerry, but then Gertrude was there and…

That all makes me so happy.

AND THEN AN ALICE AND GWEN INTERACTION!!! DYHARD FOR THE WIN!!! SURE THEY WERE AT EACHOTHERS THROATS MOST THE TIME BUT IF YOU SQUINT IT SOUNDS LIKE MILDLY UNHAPPY ROOMMATES!!! THATS BETTER THAN VERY UNHAPPY ROOMMATES!!!!

Ugh, they are so in love. They sound like a toxic st8 couple that’s been married for 50 years and makes ‘ball and chain’ jokes.

GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE!!!!!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!

Also the statement seemed like… ok here’s a list of everything I could get from it

“and feelings of the uncanny” (about liminality) (1)

Two things for this quote “it creates an effect of absence despite presence, an ‘architectural hunger’ of a sort.” (4)

“The top of the tower… featured unmatched panoramic views of the surrounding rural countryside on all sides.” (3)

“a soulless fairground,” (regarding the previous area) (2) (4)

“there were less and less people every night.” (2) (4)

“There was a nebulous haze across the entire car park…muted colors punctuated with more vivid reds, whites and yellows… I realized it primarily hovered above the asphalt.” (1) (2) (4)

“the phenomena was accompanied by a disquieting sense of absence. Of hunger.” (4)

“kaleidoscope” (1) (4)

The description of the “You Are Here!” Woman (1)

“a particularly high tide of color swept down the corridor toward me.” (1) (4)

The repeating patrons of the Restaurant (1)

The Void (3) (4)

“Their grip on me tightened, a dozen hands pushing and pulling me as one.” (1) (2)

“opened his mouth, and bit into me.” And the ensuing cannibalism (? Is it really cannibalism if you aren’t human?) (2) (4)

“leaping out one of those windows into pure oblivion” (3) (4)

Okokokokok SO! I’ve put numbers to everything so I can talk about everything easier. (1) The Uncanny (both from The Stranger and The Spiral, they have similar enough vibes to me) (2) The Lonely (3) The Vast (4) The Hunger/The Nothing.

The uncanniness of this statement is undeniable, reminds me of the previous episode actually. It’s also worth a mention that the author constantly denies the validity of anything he says and just thinks he was going through an episode, which could be Spiral coded or just statement stuff. Since everything is copy and pasted that seems closer to that idea but still.

The author keeps talking about the lack of people at the beginning and a particular fixation on how they act (seems very Martin domain core to me). Also fog. And the people stuff reminds me of Mag 48 Lost in a Crowd, the otherness you feel, the loneliness because of it. Maybe this is a cannibalism and animal nature as a metaphor for the ✨horrors of other people✨. That kinda feels like a stretch but it makes sense in my head.

Ahhhh, the call of the void, the fear of uselessness to things that don’t even know you exist. The void is obvious Vast coded, especially with the oblivion comment (imo). I don’t have much to say that I’m not gonna say next but this needed its own section bc the void.

My favorite theory about wtf is happening in this episode that I made the fuck up right here right now. At multiple points in this statement does ‘Hungry’ and ‘Hunger’ come up, specifically when talking about your reaction to a deficit in something. This could also be cannibalism coded, being so desperate for someone, anyone, that they eat the only ones around. Which brings me to the second half, the nothingness. This is mixed with basically all the Lonely and Vast feelings of this statement, a lack of something, be it people, color, etc. This could maybe be something that is trying to be more like sensory deprivation, the more deprived you are the more your brain tries to make things to be less deprived, and the more empty you feel because of it. This episode kinda gives me overwhelming feels too? Like when everything is too much and too little at the same time? Overstimulation and understimulation mixing to make the worst thing in the world. Idk

#tmagp #the magnus protocol #the magnus protocol spoilers #tmagp spoilers

[triptych-of-voids]

Hey, hey sunshine, considering how many cute sketches with a Medic you draw for people

Can I ask a question to a Medic from your headcannons?

Mr. Medic, what was the first reaction of Heavy to your autism? Did he notice sensory overload or other signs of autism not characteristic of neurotypical people? (may the author forgive me for such stupid questions ":D)

from very near the beginning most of the mercs would know something is a bit different about him, it would be fairly obvious if youre paying enough attention. medic wouldnt really mask very much (if at all) so other people would pick up on something eventually.

the rest under the cut because. this got a bit longer than intended ^^;

when medic makes eye contact its either all or nothing, hes either staring into your soul the whole time or he isnt looking at your face at all. hes more than happy to talk for hours on end about what he wants to talk about and doesnt really notice that he hasnt given the other person a chance to speak for the past 40 minutes. he doesnt really hide his stims (with a few exceptions) so it wouldnt be uncommon to see him rocking in his seat even if only a little or wringing his hands or waving them around when hes excited or anything like that. hes openly very picky about certain foods and drinks. ive already mentioned him having very low empathy. he tends to already be fairly quick to annoyance and anger but nothing pushes him over the edge like hearing sounds out in the common areas of the base while hes trying to sleep or focus on something and hes gotten into more than one argument trying to get whichever merc is out there being loud to be quiet. etc etc etc i could go on.

but at first even though a lot of this would be noticed by the other mercs many of them would just assume its because hes a little weird and eccentric or something, but eventually each of them would probably get their chance to learn more about it or possibly be forced to learn about it if the situation called for it.

now to finally get to heavy xD

he would have noticed many of these traits and like some of the others just brushed it off as medic being a bit weird at first, but i think hed get his first realization moment the first time that medic has a shutdown in front of him (hed have meltdowns too but hed be more prone to shutdown. it does depend on the situation though). maybe they had a really tough battle that day, medic maybe loses a glove and gets some clothes ripped or something, everyones dying everyones getting hurt even more and worse than usual, its completely awful the entire time and medic starts getting sensory overload but has to keep going until they finish the battle obviously. anyway maybe they actually manage to pull off the win somehow and when heavy goes to congratulate medic, hes unresponsive. not completely unresponsive but hes walking around avoiding touching or even standing too close to everything and everyone, he hasnt said a single word since the battle ended (and come to think of it, he had been talking less and less as the battle progressed), any of his usual over the top expressiveness is completely gone. heavy tries to figure out whats wrong but all his questions are met with a blank stare and medic more or less trying to get away from him. so heavy is thinking this is awful,, something broke doktor,, but, look, heavy is a smart man ok?

hed figure out that medic clearly isnt in the mood for talking so hed instead try short yes and no questions in his usual quiet and caring way. are you injured? are you angry with someone? do you want to be alone? can i help? and medic maybe answers with a small head shake or a little hum of affirmation, which takes a lot of energy and he wants nothing more than to collapse right there on the floor, but if it means heavy will be able to understand whats going on and it will get him the best outcome as fast as possible then he tries his best. heavy doesnt really know exactly whats going on but he works out that the poor guy just needs to be alone for a while so he helps escort him to his room or the infirmary or wherever he leads and helps keep everyone else away from him. once they get there heavy stands outside and waits because he realizes that anyone coming in there to bother medic is definitely one of the worst things that could happen at that moment, and he does it without asking.

it would take several hours because it takes medic about an hour of sitting in a quiet corner to even recover enough to clean himself up from the battle, and after that he collapses on any flat surface he can find that isnt the floor to take a nap, and once he wakes up from that he spends a bit of time quietly interacting with his birds or organizing some medical equipment before finally he goes to find heavy and is pleasantly surprised to find him essentially guarding the door. at that point he answers any of heavys questions, explains autism to him as best as he can and in detail, lists exactly what caused the problem that day, exactly what some of his traits are, explains exactly what to do if something like this happens again in the future. etc. so after that heavy would connect the dots between this and some of medics other traits and would have a better understanding of it and do everything he can to support medic if needed and umm yeah :]!!!!

#autism #tf2 #tf2 medic #tf2 heavy #thank you for this ask!!!! #i love talking about this so so so so much thank you for asking me this #no art just because i have some other things i have to work on #and if i drew a reply to every ask id be here all day #but yippee ^^!! this was fun for me thanks #replies from the void #the doc is in

[broodsys]

never felt the need to make one of these before, but why not? i've given much of this advice piecemeal over the years, so here it is all compiled. note that none of these are rules, they're just suggestions for things that have served me well. my biggest writing rule is to reject all writing rules tho, so :)

brood's writing advice:

"just write" is overly simplistic. sometimes you have to seek out the reason you're struggling to write and you have to be accepting of your own limitations. are you really stressed lately? are you sick? is there a major change in your life? if you're struggling in other ways, creativity is going to be harder. it can be extremely frustrating, but it's worth being gentle with yourself

two cakes. i think the vast majority of creative individuals deal with imposter syndrome, comparing their work to others, etc., but the cliches are true: you're the only one who can write your story. and there will be people who appreciate it. you have a specific voice and you can't eradicate that from your work in order to replicate someone else's voice, but your voice has a range, i promise, and you can find many ways to utilize it. also true of other forms of art, but i'm just talking writing rn

beginnings are hard. endings are hard. and sometimes you have to let things percolate for a while, let your subconscious untangle it for you. in these instances, i find switching to another project or a writing exercise to be helpful - it keeps me engaged with literary processes without undue pressure to begin or finish one individual piece that's troubling me

writing exercises: they're sometimes about writing, of course - stream of consciousness, poetry, planning, whatever. but i've also found it useful to have them be about words. one of my most productive writing exercises is to just start writing words. they aren't meant to go together at all, it's meant to explore my personal vocabulary, to find terms that have drifted away from the front of my mind, but it also loosens you up and gets creative energy going in a very low-impact way

scene transitions can be really difficult, as can moving from the climax into something with lower energy. something i've found generally effective is to showcase your pov character's reactions, either through introspective reverie or action, even and maybe especially mundane action. they just had a massive climatic moment? okay, how are they going to act when they're getting ready for bed that night? will they be distant and distracted, will they be hyper-focused on the small tasks, will they be clumsy, will they throw themselves into bed carelessly, will they be unable to sleep? following them through their reaction lets you guide the reader through the decreasing energy as well

smut writing: ik ppl can struggle with this and there's so much to it, but the one piece of advice i will offer is to lean into sensory experience outside of the smut. what surface are they on? how does it feel? are they cold, do they warm up, are they sweating? ongoing work setting the scene can help break up the monotony of action that can sometimes be troublesome in smut, bc a lot of the actions are repetitive

#writing advice #shrug emoji #feels so arrogant to post writing advice but ajfksjfsk ppl DO like my writing so idk.... here.

[kimwexlers-brownhair]

Hello Kim ! I love that you're a Sansa fan, I was wondering what your favourite Sansa quote is? And why do you think she is so hated compared to characters like Jon, Dany, Arya, etc ? Thank you xx

Thank you for asking about my favorite child! It's hard to narrow down a quote as my absolute favorite. I love it whenever she's sneaky about manipulating idiots like Joffrey without ever dropping her armor of courtesy. "He is a fool, you're so clever to see it! He'd make a much better fool than a knight" about Hollard, and "“They say my brother Robb always goes where the fighting is thickest. Though he's older than Your Grace, to be sure. A man grown” are perfect examples.

They're also examples of why so many fans dislike her. She's too subtle for them, and too nuanced (maybe the most nuanced character in the series?). The dislike started when she was framed in the very beginning as Arya's foil, when her motives were easy to read: marry the prince and live like in romantic stories of chivalry. Now we're all obviously supposed to be frustrated with her, as we would be if our little sister or daughter fell for such an obvious douchebag but had a head too full of fairy tales to listen to reason. That frustration doesn't mean we hate them; in fact, it's usually so frustrating because you love the little twits. Yet because Sansa was set up as a foil to Arya, the underdog tomboy to cheer for, most viewers projected those affectionate feelings onto her and Sansa was left as the antagonist.

In season 2, we get nonstop action, with Arya, Jon, and Dany slicing through folks and burning them....and Sansa just seems to sit there sad and mealy-mouthed in King's Landing? Weak!

So many fans were attracted to the pageantry and sensory overload Game of Thrones gave them, and to take the time to understand someone as quiet and diffident as Sansa appeared was just not going to happen.

Ultimately, Gillian Flynn said it best:  “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.” People watched GoT and decided for a woman to be equal, she had to commit violence, just like how men assert their masculinity. This hurts both Sansa and Arya in the show, I think. Sansa, with her subtlety and traditionally feminine interests, combined with the self-centered streak she showed in season one because God Forbid a teenager be self-centered especially since Arya isn't, was deemed too weak and annoying. Arya is the badass little ninja, but in the books, her descent into her darkest impulses because of the hell she's been through is...Not Good. Not empowering. She's a child. Sansa is a child. But because the way Arya survives and loses much of herself is cool and masculine-coded in the show, it's okay to rally around her. With Sansa, it's weak.

Unfortunately, a lot of Sansa fans go too far in the other direction, which I think is important to note. I've said this in another post, I know, but I just gotta repeat a distinct memory from when the show was at its height. More people were getting into Sansa, and her popularity was rising. Someone dared post their artwork of Sansa in armor and holding a sword. The reaction was ridiculous. "You're missing the whole point of Sansa's character if you give her armor and a sword!" First of all, Sansa is the most adaptable character in the series. Much like Elizabeth I, she would absolutely do that to boost morale at the very least. Second of all, people love to put women in boxes; to quote Succession, a lot of fans can't "hold a whole woman in their head."

Sansa is a an example of "safe" femininity; she'll always be good and sweet and pure, a nice escape from mean women like Cersei, butch Brienne, tomboy Arya. Suddenly all the women just become these traits and aren't allowed to grow past them or learn to love other things. Maybe Sansa does learn to pick up a sword willingly, and finds out it's...kinda fun! Empowering, even!

No, there's nothing wrong with loving to sew, sing, and dream of romance. However, there is harm in internalizing that as the only things women can and should do. There's just something so infantalizing about the treatment of Sansa by some fans: "Our little Sansa always behaves like a lady".

I love Sansa because she isn't always likable. She has a lot of internalized misogyny, and she takes it out on Arya. She's so self-centered in her desires that she tells Cersei about Ned. She's also a child who we can safely assume was more strongly discouraged not to end up like Arya than, say, Arya was. This is her arc. I hate that it happens because of trauma, but her growth stems from Ned's death because it shows that deep down, this child wants home and family more than pagaentry. But because she couldn't say it with a sword, fans missed this.

#sansa stark #asoiaf #game of thrones #got #arya stark

[bates--boy]

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴜꜱᴇ(ꜱ) ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ?

This muse started out as an ask blog, actually! I don't really know what drew me to adult!Peter from the beginning; maybe it's because I really liked underappreciated characters, or maybe I saw how little canon material there was of older Peter versus material for his canon age (which was still very little back in the day.) But I think it was the latter, because it meant that I could shape adult!Peter into any person that I want, which was how my portrayal went from bland, goody two shoes upstanding citizen to a nervous wreck constantly facing a plethora of childhood trauma and trying his best.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ?

I do have rules about not writing rape or incest ships, but it is mostly carried over from my previous rp blogs. In fact, it may be hypocritical of me to even have this rule if you know about the Infamous Fic. I still have reservations about writing this topic, though, because far too many writers and RPers don't treat the subject matter as the horrifying thing that it is, and it's a fetish for some writers, which like... okay, write the rape porn, empty of nuance and trauma or whatever, just do it over there.

I guess another thing I don't like to write is writing against a villain or overpowered character. Over the years, I had sometimes found it to be tedious at best, and unpleasant at worst. Hell, my character canonically is super powerful, and even I don't overdo it. I would never ask a writer of a villain to tone it down, though. It's just one of those things that require curating your dashboard or whatever.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ?

With that being said, it is wild how much I write Peter getting into arguments or fights. He's a firecracker baby, an asshole of the highest degree, and it's refreshing to find writers who can do a good back and forth, who can write a fight that actually drives the plot and thread forward, and lead to revelations about character motivations beyond "My character is evil, get used to it."

Another thing I like to write is scifi. But I never get my scifi threads. :c

ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ?

I mostly start with the canon material and a little bit of history and go from there. Like, "What could possibly go wrong with an immortal child mostly abandoned in a derelict fort in the middle of the sea? How does constantly being kicked out of places that you know you belong in, being ignored by your primary parental figure during your formative years, and being told implicitly that you're no used to anyone after the war, fuck up a child? What skills did Peter develop as he survived in both an abandoned fort and in the middle of a war zone? Where is the breaking point, and how does his reaction to reaching that point change overtime and with shifting motivations?"

Sometimes, it just comes to me.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ɪɴ ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏʀ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴍᴜꜱɪᴄ?

It depends on my sensory load. I mostly like listening to music while I write, because it helps me to put in all the emotions I need for a scene to really make it hit. But if I had a sensory overload all day (talking to people, being in bright and overcrowded spaces, etc.) or if the scene in the thread is chill, I just write in silence.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇᴘʟɪᴇꜱ ᴏʀ ᴡɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇᴍ?

I try to plan as much as possible, and even jot down ideas for a thread, but I mostly wing them.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ꜱʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ?

Yeah, I do! Especially unconventional ships. (In fact, one of my old shipping partners and I had our muses having a baby together.) Sadly, my former shipping partners had left the fandom and the RPC, and most of the fandom characters I'm interested in shipping Peter with are not popular, so there aren't any writers to ship with, especially for a character as difficult to love as my canon-divergent Peter.

ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʟɪᴀꜱ/ɴᴀᴍᴇ?

In this sphere, I'm known as Droid! In another sphere, I'm known as Decada! I don't know why I chose those names!

ᴀɢᴇ?

Ageless. [knees crack, back aches]

ʙɪʀᴛʜᴅᴀʏ?

[redacted]

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ(ꜱ)?

Teal.

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴏɴɢ(ꜱ)?

Well, I've been singing "Do You Hear the People Sing" for a couple days, now, so it's probably that. Oh, and "Colors" by Coheed and Cambria.

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

Kon-Tiki (2013)

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

Abbott Elementary

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴏɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ?

Chocolate Covered Dreams by The Breed

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜰᴏᴏᴅ?

I'm gonna have to agree with Vera on this one, but I really do love savory stuff.

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ?

I would say Summer because I like going out, being able to walk without needing an umbrella or having to layer, and that's when most events like concerts or parades happen. But, god, the sweat! The fucking sweat! I am a fat fuck and it is unpleasant to sweat in every crevice of my body. So, Autumn.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ?

I used to. The same mun who had written Peter's baby mama. She had also written this adorable and spunky child OC and she and Peter were two peas in a pod! We would gush about how adorable and sweet their dynamic was, and it was heartwarming to see what she had posted about her personal life. (Can you tell that I miss her?)

tagged by: @nezumivc103221 (ay yo, thanks!) tagging: @latvianpoet @the-expatriate @sicilitude @heta-micronomics @gebrochener-adler

#nothin' but static ( ooc )

[lunaremy]

BOMBERMECHANICS 101

So! I've been reviewing some information on these little guys now, and i've got a LOT to say about them. Which is why this is under a read-more lol. goes over a bunch of physiology and how bombermen compare to humans and other organic lifeforms.

STARTING WITH ANTENNAE!!

Everyone seems to have them. In the beginning of R 1, Pink calls it a "hair clip" in the beginning, which I find hard to believe. But black's drawn with hair...so what conclusion can be drawn from this?

Y'know how the antennae of ants is used to sense things? Same goes for the Bomberman Bros', but in a less..direct sort of way. For starters, it makes it possible to sense most forms of energy in the surroundings without some sort of external device, which is useful on missions. It's also what "recalls" the bombers when they get blasted away by explosions. Maybe like a sort of signal? So, understandably, losing it is pretty bad. (Now that I think of it, do humans have sensory organs, too? I forgot...)

ALSO, ON HOW THEY MIMIC HUMANS:

Y'know how Green's like super short because he's so little? Despite the fact that robots don't physically grow the way organic beings do, because they don't have cells? Consider the following: parts that grow autonomously as time goes by. Similar to humans, an internal clock controls that, and as the subject gets older, their arms and legs expand over time. With the moving parts being concealed by silicon skin, the process is virtually seamless! Isn't science beautiful? ...Also, the process is a little randomized for each one, resulting in bombers that are a little shorter or a little taller than usual at different chronological times (See Yellow and Aqua). In the end, though, they all average out to roughly the same height, because any more or less would be too much of a hassle on missions.

Also, same with blushing and other processes; there's no blood, of course. Not a drop! But any situation that would cause that reaction increases the amount of processes being computed at once; thus leading to an increase in body heat. You'd think they're naturally cold, but they're quite complex, and the amount of processes going on in there (kinda like the human body!) make them pretty warm, just like us.

ARE THEY JUST WALKING AROUND IN JUMPSUITS THE WHOLE TIME?:

No.

Or, to put it less bluntly: Imagine if the uniform you wore to school or work everyday was more or less embedded into your body, and you couldn't take them off. That's kinda the jist of it. Keeps your internal parts protected, and makes it easy to move during missions. Also, it looks cool. Of course, they wear tangible clothing during times of peace (Pink's belt accessory isn't built in by the way), but i'd imagine trying to run and fight while wearing anything that isn't the default clothing would be harder than it should be.

AND SPEAKING OF THE BELTS-WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THEM?:

Huh! Well, as revealed in the Grand Prix trailer, the center portion of them can be pressed to reveal a section for data intake. Which is kinda weird, but it gives us answers! My personal take on that is that it's useful for way more than just using memory chips from what's essentially the bomberman version of universe-travelers. After White found out that it opens (there's a lot he doesn't know about the bomberbody which makes sense if you account for just how little the average human knows), he kinda just spent a long while messing with data chips and seeing what did what, or what effect this would have on that, and etc etc...you get the idea. So, kinda like a DVD player, but it plays the DVD in your mind. Also- it's literally built into your body; you can't get rid of it unless you wanna inconvenience yourself in a major way.

HOW ARE BOMBS MADE?

Magic hands, woo! But more technically, it starts in the torso. If you hold your hand out, gunpowder will flow from it, and it will be encased in metal (roughly the size of your hand, if not bigger.) That's also how pumped bombs exist- it's (mostly) through the hands! I'd imagine Green has trouble with that- but it's easy to make a bomb appear from your hands. Also, they don't have fire abilities or something, it just kinda ignites when you're done with it and you set it down. There's probably some discrepancies involved (white has to manually light a group of them in some cases) but it's almost midnight, and the differences are too few and far between for me to really mention.

OTHER HONORABLE MENTIONS:

You get scrapped if you end up broken beyond repair or are otherwise deemed "beyond saving". White got more serious as a person after Pretty Bomber was scrapped.

Despite being made from metal and other junk, the Bombermen are actually sorta flexible. White likes to stretch a lot. Says it helps him with his "joints", wherever they are....

Maintenance is MANDATORY!! Similar to humans, the bodies of bombermen will be prone to accumulating damage over time. It might not seem like a concern initially, but if they don't rest every once in a while, it hinders their basic functioning. That's also why they need sleep despite being mechanical lifeforms; it gives a lot of your internal processes' a much needed break after running for so long! Similarly to the way humans go to the doctor for a checkup; try to set aside some time for maintenance to make sure all your systems are running well.

And...that's all for today. Mostly headcanons, analysis and stuff, but i'm like really smart and stuff...or maybe just kinda loopy from sleep deprivation.

#bomberman #super bomberman r #too lazy to tag the bomberman brothers #remyrambling

[notabled-noodle]

can meltdowns and shutdowns be internal? what exactly is a meltdown and shutdown and what can it look like for everyone? how do u know if u have a meltdown or shutdown vs u being overwhelmed in general and maybe bc if sensory stuff

a shutdown is pretty much entirely internal by definition. a shutdown looks like:

feeling “stuck”

not being able to talk

not being able to move

a sudden crash in energy

not being able to process the world around you

dissociating

feeling overwhelmed, or feeling nothing at all

a meltdown generally will be external, but it’s possible to have the beginnings of a meltdown internally, and then be able to hold off the full meltdown until you get somewhere safe. a meltdown looks like:

rocking, or otherwise stimming more than usual

crying, screaming, yelling, etc

feeling angry or overwhelmed

breaking things

generally moving around a lot

both meltdowns and shutdowns can be caused by sensory issues, stress, or unexpected changes. they’re different reactions to a similar phenomenon — your brain struggling to process the world around you.

hope this makes sense!

#asks #autism

[newsmutproject]

I was in the process of writing a piece and I wanted to ask about what sorts of language and profanity were allowed. obviously, I don't want anything that could be seen as a slur, or something offensive, but I want to know where the line is to avoid making something that seems either too crude, or undeveloped.

Good morning! Co-editor T.C. Mill here.

So initially I admit I was surprised by this question. We are the New Smut Project, after all. Our target audience is not those busybodies who rate books 1 star on Goodreads because a character says "Jesus fucking Christ!" at some point.

But as I woke up more and considered it, I see where you're coming from, Anon. There is such a thing, for our purposes (not everyone's! Sexy is subjective. But we're cultivating particular kinds of sexiness here), as "too crude." It's a matter of more than word choice, though.

In previous guidelines we noted a preference for "tasteful" word choice and specified liking "come" over "cum". That last bit's still our preference - and our house style - but we can always change "cum" to "come" in copyedits, along with adding serial commas (and in all honesty, we can be argued out of either change in individual cases to fit an author's artistic vision. Maybe the characters are sexting and there's no way they're typing four letters when they can type three. Etc.)

"Tasteful," I realize now, is too vague. I love the word "cunt" much more than "pussy." Other people feel the exact opposite and to them, that's tasteful. Mood matters too. What's tasteful in the heat of the moment can feel crude on the first page of the story (not always, though! A first page that opens with something really raw and passionate will get my attention!). If the story's a piece of IKEA erotica with flat(-pack) characters going through the motions, just about any word choice will sound cringe.

Also for a combination of reasons "fuck" doesn't even parse as profanity to me anymore, so there's that.

If you look at our tag for Terms and Language you'll see a range of people's ideas, opinions, and favorite vocabulary - everything from discussions of identity labels to synonyms for "cock."

In our author interviews for Cunning Linguists (to some people, that title is probably too crude), we asked about people's favorite and least favorite words in sex writing, and received some fascinating, funny, and steamy answers!

Finding the right word to fit the moment is always one of the writer's challenges and privileges, whether writing sex or anything else. That said, some advice that I think could be helpful here: NSP Co-Editor Alex Freeman's article "Sex Writing 101."

It breaks down a sex scene into different 'ingredients' - action, reaction, dialogue, sensory details, and so on. If that sounds a bit technical, I'd encourage you to look at it as descriptive rather than prescriptive -- it's possible to write a great sex scene without any dialogue, for instance! But looking at where dialogue appears in the example sex scene and what it adds can spark some ideas that help any story to feel more vivid and interesting. That help to build an erotic mood.

The same word might feel "too crude" if it appears in an underdeveloped scene and, in a piece where intimacy and erotic tension have been built, it might feel absolutely fucking perfect.

It's not tastefulness we're looking for so much as the right combination of juicy flavors.

As a closing thought: the deeper you get into your character's POV throughout the story, the more freedom you have to use whatever language they would use.

Wait, I lied, one more closing thought: If your story has a title like "I Had Sex With My 18-Year-Old Babysitter Last Night," we are going to be turned off by it before we read the first page, even if none of those words are individually crude. Though the fact is the people sending us those stories probably haven't bothered to read any part of our site except the email address to send their stories in to. If you're making an effort, you'll come in ahead of them. (Note: this is not a reference to any one submission we've received, but rather a whole number of them - pieces that are very artless, cliche, and often make use of power dynamics in a way we really aren't about.)

#terms and language

[thenationaltreasuregazette]

ND for NT? Neurodivergence in National Treasure

(Abigail Chase Edition) -- Pt 2

Last time we started looking at how Abigail compares to Rudy Simone's list of questions about Autism in women & other high maskers.

Now we'll do the other two parts.

Part 3 “Emotions/Physical”

→ Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive

Sensitive, perhaps. Immature? She seems to be handling the breakup much more maturely than Ben.

→ Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions

Not seeing this in canon.

→ More open to talking about feelings and emotional issues than males with AS

Maybe? She is the one to press on the "why are you like this?" question in the dressing room.

→ Strong sensory issues - sounds, sights, smells, touch, and prone to overload. (Less likely to have taste/food textures issues as males)

The best case I can make for this is probably the Reading Terminal Market chase scene. She immediately hides somewhere cool and quiet (behind the meat counter). Then she gets jump-scared by Riley when she’s hiding in the flowers.

→ Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bipolar or manic depressive (common comorbids of autism/AS) while the AS diagnosis was missed

No canon evidence.

→ Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms. Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body so may have had adverse reactions

No canon evidence.

→ 9 out of 10 have mild to severe gastrointestinal difficulties  - e.g. ulcers, acid reflux, IBS, etc.

No canon evidence, but this would be interesting!

→ Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger-flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot-tapping, etc.

No? Riley does more of this than anyone else in the group.

→ Similarly physical when happy: hand flapping, clapping, singing, jumping, running around, dancing, bouncing

Not really? Even when they find the treasure she’s pretty still.

→ Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload

Not that we see.

→ Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood; this can incite anger and rage

You could consider her rift with Ben in BoS as part of this.

→ Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. Less likely to stutter than male counterparts but may have a raspy voice, monotone at times, when stressed or sad

She can come across as a little monotone, but that could also be the combo of her accent and personality.

Part 4: “Social Relationships”

→ Words and actions are often misunderstood by others

Well they’re definitely misunderstood by Ben, but that might be a Ben problem.

→ Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly

Yes. See “mean Declaration lady”

→ Is very outspoken at times, may get fired up when talking about passions/obsessive interests

Ask her about Thomas Jefferson I dare you. In all seriousness, I think the way she thanks Ben at the gala is pretty indicative of this. Her close-to-the-vest composure evaporates when she admits in a rather youthful, indulgent way that she’s keeping the GW button because she “really wants it.”

→ Can be very shy or mute

Ben and the henchmen all think she talks a lot but I think she’s just, like…a woman who dares to have an opinion on the high stakes situation she’s involved in?

→ Like her male counterpart, will shut down in social situations once overloaded, but is generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a ‘performance’

I will cite the gala again.

→ Doesn’t go out much. Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them

We never meet anyone that she’s close to other than her assistant (work friend) and Stan (work enemy). So very possibly true.

→ Will not have many girlfriends and will not do ‘girly’ things like shopping with them or get-togethers to ‘hang-out’

We never see Abigail close to any women outside of work. She’s close enough with her assistant to gripe about Stan, and she knows the event planner by name. We also see her interact with Emily, but they seem cordial, not like they’re getting brunch on the weekends. Other than that its dates (whats-his-face from Book of Secrets) and business meetings (Mitch) with men.

Lol National Treasure does not even come close to passing the Bechdel Test

→ Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached

See above, until Ben and Riley.

→ May or may not want to have a relationship. If she is in a relationship, she probably takes it very seriously but she may choose to remain celibate or alone

I will refer you to the deep dive on Ben and Abigail’s relationship for more detailed analysis, but yeah I’d say Abigail takes their relationship seriously. Actually, I think it’s because she takes it seriously that she leaves Ben when he’s not respecting her input. Also, my personal headcanon is that it took Abigail almost the entire time between discovering the treasure and the “Three months later” scene to actually warm up to the idea of dating Ben. She does not strike me as someone who starts relationships easily or casually. I think it would take a lot more than a kiss in the catacombs to convince her to take that leap.

→ Due to sensory issues, will either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it

Umm…all I can say to this is that National Treasure is a very sexless movie. (Which is fine by me lmao) Ben and Abigail’s flirtation is much more intellectual than physical.

→ If she likes a male, she can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know, e.g. she may stare when she sees him or call him repeatedly. This is because she fixates and doesn’t understand social gender roles. This will change with maturity

I think Abigail is on the other side of this, so it's hard to say what she used to be like.

→ Often prefers the company of animals but not always due to sensory issues

I don’t consider Edge of History a particularly reputable source of canon, but I'll allow the dog.

Conclusion

Hmm, Abigail was knocking it out of the neurodiversity park on the two categories in Part 1. Here she's more middle of the road.

While there were a few strong "yes"s, there's also just so much we don't know about her personal life and her past. As with Ben, we only get to spend time with Abigail during the two most chaotic weeks of her life.

In short, I think there is plenty of fodder for reading Abigail as Autistic. For me personally, I take to that reading more easily than Ben. In any case, there is so much here for fics and headcanons.

What are some of your favs?

What did I miss?

#the national treasure gazette #abigail chase #national treasure #national treasure 2 #national treasure meta

[that1nkyone]

…OK. Just found this blog today, and being the person I am? I am VERY MUCH INTERESTED in your Wishing Star AU. Although, let's be real - it's because we're both a sucker for "human stuck in a pokemon body" plotlines.

Admittedly, I trend more towards longer-term changes, but learning the powers and whatnot? That's the ticket, baby.

I haven't done anything revolving around identity, admittedly. Now, I do intend to explore the impact of instincts - a bark slipping out instead of an actual word (in Pokespeech), possible urges to battle, etc. Not to mention other changes, such as having to walk on 4 legs, or the sensory shifts.

Definitely looking forwards to seeing more from you, maybe talking shop sometime or something? *Shrug* We'll see. (Oh, and before I forget - again - will we ever get to see what kicked off the Wishing Star AU? Not the actual injury - that'd probably be a bit close to body horror - but Irida finding out what happened, her initial reactions, etc. etc.)

I haven't had much time to work on Wishing Star stuff, but thank you for your message! The events that kick off this particular story is Irida trying to protect Glaceon from an Alpha Gabite during one of their outings. x4 Weakness be damned, the encounter goes poorly and Irida takes a hit on her back meant for Glaceon. Irida doesn't recall what happened after this. She does not recall Glaceon making a desperate cry for help. She doesn't recall the end result of the fight between Glaceon and Gabite. She doesn't recall someone lifting her out of the snow and carrying her back to the Pearl Clan Village.

Irida manages to awaken days later, hearing the unfamiliar voices of Espeon and Flareon. They're quietly debating on where she came from, and why she smells familiar. Her first response is fairly typical - the confusion of understanding what her Pokemon are saying - and then the very unpleasant surprise that she has somehow been changed into an Eevee. Her knee-jerk reaction, despite being in pain, is to run outside the hut that she's been cozied up and recovering in. She has to find any of the Wardens in the village, or anyone who can help.

She is not understood, and before she can try finding a different way to communicate, she is frozen in place when her own human face stares down at her. A doppleganger of her human self has apparently been here since she was unconscious. As far as anyone of the Pearl Clain can tell, Irida's been here the whole time, completely unharmed.

This is too much for the real Irida to process right now, but she's scruffed by Flareon and carried away from the village.

And that's how the adventure begins! Who is this doppleganger? Why is Irida an Eevee? Where did Glaceon go?

Spoiler alert: Irida is furious and very determined to get back into her leadership role, but as she recovers and gains an additional perspective on the Pokemon who live around her and her own Clan, she starts having to deconstruct the ups and downs of being a Clan Leader at this age, the need to prove herself again and again, the love she has for her clan, whether it was right to put her in this role, etc.

#the answer is Irida is a Strong and Capable Leader who learns to reflect a little more and defy expectations. #also her Wardens Love Her Very Much. #anyway #Wishing Star AU #Pokemon Legends Arceus

[mareastrorum]

The Fool and the Soldier: Chapter Commentary

Chapter 2: Home & Traveler

On off weeks, I’ll be posting some commentary on the prior week’s chapter. Since this is a longfic, I expect that it will be helpful for keeping track of stuff, plus I might mention something you missed. Of course, this will include spoilers, so continue with that in mind.

These aren’t meant to be comprehensive! There is so much more going on that I’m not saying. Feel free to ask questions too, either in replies or asks. If it’s too spoilery, I’ll let you know. I’ll add them to the body at the bottom as I receive them.

See the directory for other meta posts.

Home & Traveler

The title of this chapter is yet another card from Molly’s deck. As he described in a later scene, it’s about the before/after a journey and a journey itself. In this story, it’s the wind down from Chapter 1 and establishes where we are in certain character arcs and relationships that weren’t quite addressed yet.

Elatis

One set of characters that I need to establish, of course, is the Somnovem! Since the Somnovem split up emotions, I figured they probably specialized in other ways as well. The most obvious ones were Ira (anger), Timorei (fear), Gaudius (love), and Luctus (grief). The rest were squishy enough that I took some time to really iron them out. Then I added other specialties that seemed to suit them.

Elatis was never encountered separately in the stream, so she was just a blank slate other than her name and her ability in the final battle against Lucien. (We don’t even know the gender or pronouns; I just chose she/her because I could.) Elatis’s name is based on one of two (or maybe both) Latin words: elatus, meaning uplifted or exalted; and elate, meaning haughtily, loftily, or proudly.

Her ability required an intelligence saving throw. Caduceus failed and saw Calliope, then felt excitement to see her when she asked him for help, so he rushed toward her. The pull was up to 120 feet, which is 4 times his normal movement speed. He gained an eye from the ability, but he was not charmed. It’s not clear whether Elatis’s ability was an illusion, and it gave Caduceus his third eye, which would have seen through illusions. It’s hard to tell if it would have happened immediately or afterwards. There’s also only 2 Illusion spells that require intelligence saves, while there’s 7 Enchantment spells that do.

Since we know Gaudius was more about love and connection (based on their dialogue with the Nein), Elatis must have been something other than that. Caduceus had resisted the urge to check in on his family throughout the campaign, so seeing and going to his family would be his selfish desire. I think the hallucination was Calliope specifically because he recognizes that she was disappointed in herself for needing his help at the Menagerie. Thus, her asking Caduceus for help would have probably made him proud, both in himself at being what she thought she needed and in her that she had moved past that self-doubt.

Based on all that information, I figured that my version of Elatis would encapsulate euphoria and pride. With that in mind, I also felt that Enchantment matched Elatis’s style more than Illusion. Enchantment spells are more about getting into the target’s head and convincing them of something or dominating their will rather than tricking their senses. It wasn’t the sight and sound of Calliope that had lured Caduceus; after all, he could only feasibly move 60 feet in a round (less, since intelligence scores determine flying speed in Cognouza). It was the rush of emotion and magical assistance that pulled him further than he could move otherwise. Illusion spells might force a certain reaction out of someone (prone, fear, etc.), but the targets still act within their ability.

By the time I ironed all that out, I had also wanted to split the Somnovem into different sensory perceptions as well. Reality and individual perception of the world are big themes with them. Elatis got taste, which is reflected in the words chosen for her scene.

Then I reasoned that, out of all the Somnovem, Elatis would be the one responsible for the Pattern in this AU. We have no solid idea about what the Pattern was in the stream other than something that, upon seeing it, inflicted the Somnovem’s eyes on people and that it was related to the Cognouza hivemind. Matt mentioned in the Campaign 2 Wrap Up that getting to nine eyes would have allowed Matt to take control of the players in the final fight. However, when Cree became the Vessel of the Pattern and turned into a flesh monster, Matt also mentioned that such a thing wouldn’t have happened to the Nein, so that wasn’t the same thing as getting nine eyes. (And that makes sense, because Vess DeRogna already had nine eyes before she died.) As horrific as the Pattern was, Lucien seemed enamored with it in episode 139 when he spoke to the Nein before the fight started. Thus, it had to be something separate from the Somnovem themselves since it was still doing something when he had subjugated and absorbed them. It had also obeyed Lucien when he invoked it to change Cree, even when he was hiding from the Somnovem.

It wasn’t until much later, several months into drafting, that I came up with a way to represent the Pattern in writing. The original draft did not have the Pattern as something this prevalent in the formatting, but it really adds to the story later on. (I liked the funky formatting that TNEOL used, but it wasn’t done much or very consistently. The hidden messages were cute, but didn’t really have a lot of substance to them. It was also strange that the Pattern seemed to mock Lucien that he was slipping and so did Molly, neither of which had any reason to coordinate with the other, and the Pattern had no motive to antagonize Lucien either, but I digress…) I landed on making the Pattern bold in certain circumstances because it doesn’t really change anything so much as it emphasizes and guides thoughts. Since the effect is psychological, it bleeds into the narration.

Sometimes, the Pattern is still going to be there when the formatting doesn’t call attention to it. It depends on whether the narrator and/or the subject POV is attentive enough to recognize it.

I also decided that my Pattern had a purpose, which should be pretty clear from this scene. Lucien also gives more exposition in a later scene, discussed further below.

Altogether, those choices led to this scene. We learn about Elatis’s specialties (some of which are alluded to more subtly), the Pattern is introduced, and we get some insight into the Somnovem’s plans.

There’s some additional funny business in this scene as well, and I’ll leave those mysteries as they are. I will note, as a clue, that the narrator of the Somnovem scenes is extremely careful about what is communicated and how that happens.

Clean Up

Boring stuff first! Beau’s still in “gotta get shit done” mode and doesn’t have time to be emotional about anything, though she’s in a pretty good mood. She got to beat up some bad guys and everyone survived.

I chose her for this scene because even when there’s work to do, she’s very curious and attentive. It was between her, Caleb, and Nott, since they were the three that knew the most of how all this played out. Her POV provided that desire to keep track of everything going on, especially how they were supposed to get out of this mess with Otis. Plus, Nila had given Beau the red feather and Beau ran off for a fling with Keg, so that rounded out the scene to cover quite a bit moving the story along compared to the other options.

Shopping

Otis is unhinged, and I will never allow anyone to forget it. Normal, rational, well-adjusted people don’t join the Claret Orders and choose the Order of the Profane Soul. We’ll get into that in a meta post about Otis later.

While drafting this scene, I asked grayintogreen to pick one of a few animals that would need to put up with Otis, with no other explanation. She picked hyena, so I decided that would be their mount. Did you know halflings can ride a medium-sized beast?

There’s a purpose to this scene. I honestly could have cut it plot-wise, and no one would have felt like something was missing. But there’s a point in here, and it’ll become evident later.

Leaving Shadycreek

Gotta check in with Jester, and oh boy, she’s not doing well. This was a really rough arc for her. I felt that checking in with her at the start of the trip back would give the reader a solid idea of just how difficult this experience was for everyone who got captured without needing to have everyone navel-gaze about it. Jester finds ways to cope by keeping busy with Molly’s coat, making plans to have fun, fixing Yasha’s hair, and talking with Nott. However, that’s all distraction; she doesn’t want to allow herself to be sad yet. She’ll get there eventually, but for now, she thinks that’s something to avoid.

Dream: Fortune-telling

As before, this is a dream of Lucien’s childhood, but it’s Molly’s dream. The intro song is an Irish lullaby that I revised to match Exandria. The original:

I see the moon, the moon sees me, God bless the moon and God bless me: There's grace in the cottage and grace in the hall; And the grace of God is over us all.

It was changed to this:

I see the moon, the moon sees me, Gods bless the moon and gods bless me: There's grace in the ground swell and grace in the squall; And grace of the gods o’er us all.

Obviously, since there’s more than one god in Exandria, I revised that to account for multiple. I also changed “cottage” and “hall.” A ground swell has two definitions: a long-distance group of waves with numerous causes (storms, wind, earthquakes), and a surge of support or emotion. A squall also has two definitions: a sudden burst of wind or storm, and a noisy cry. I felt that each of these introduced some interesting dichotomies for one of the key themes emphasized in this dream (and which plays heavily in the fic): there’s at least two perspectives in every story, and neither is necessarily better than the other.

This dream also introduced the Moonweaver. Catha is more than just decoration in a lot of scenes, but this is the first time a character really gets into who Sehanine is. I wanted to explore Sehanine in this story because we missed out when Molly died in canon. She’s going to come up again!

Pickpocketing would have been a key skill for surviving as an orphan in Shadycreek Run, and it’s not uncommon for pickpockets to work in teams with other swindlers who act as a distraction. Sometimes they’re consistent groups, but it’s not unheard of to team up impromptu when an opportunity presents itself. Of course, pickpockets are expected to share the bounty, else the distraction will have reason to call them out the next time they’re spotted. It’s not about honor; it’s simple practicality. Everything has a cost when you live in poverty. Honest, no-strings-attached charity is exceedingly rare to come by in places like the Run.

Similarly, Lucien is very attentive and cautious. Constantly checking around since he realizes the fortune-teller could be a lure for urchins like him, and staying out of reach in case he tries to grab him. Kids living on the streets don’t live long if they trust adults, especially in a town with a flourishing slave trade.

The fortune-teller was Gustav Fletching, the former ringleader of the carnival that Molly and Yasha had joined. His backstory was that he had started the carnival with others from Shadycreek Run, so I figured he must have had some sort of skill that he plied there before forming a traveling show. I came up with this before the Origins comic, so the original hook was going to be that Gustav taught Molly how to tell fortunes. That was tweaked once the comic came out. However, even though it turned out to be Lestera, I didn’t see any particular reason that Gustav wouldn’t have been one as well, so this part didn’t need to change. Honestly, I kind of like it a bit better now because Gustav was only meant to be a thread connecting the two characters, not someone especially important to either of them.

The Moon & Mirror card was described exactly as the one that appears in the moon oracle deck sold in the CR shop. Most of the other cards are different, which would be a clue that this is a different deck than Lestera’s and Molly’s. I chose this card specifically because the fanfic was almost titled Moon & Mirror. When I changed the story title, I thought about changing the scene to match, but this dream was meant to establish Lucien’s awareness of the Moonweaver and also provides some insight into his perspective of religion. It’s tough for a kid to reconcile the idea that gods are willing to help with the history that they left and closed a gate behind them. He’s streetwise enough to be skeptical when things don’t add up. Of course, that’s not going to be the end of that thread.

Gustav’s rhyme was minutely adjusted from the one Matt recited in Episode 1. I added “but” to the first line so that the meter was consistent throughout the poem.

This also introduces that Lucien is fond of poems and memorizes them quite easily using some tricks with rhythms. It’ll come up again.

Tea Time

This was another transition to really hammer it in that the prior scene was a dream. I figured at least two would be solid enough for a reader to understand that the first one was not a one off.

Lingering wounds are going to be a thing because of the themes of the story around healing and trauma. In an actual D&D game, healing is complete after a long rest. Narratively, that doesn’t make much sense that a night’s sleep would heal all the physical injury from intense torture. Gameplay wise, Molly’s fine, but even he can’t just shrug off the stuff Lorenzo did.

Again, we see Molly’s primary coping mechanism for anything going wrong is denial. The Iron Shepherds are gone, so he just doesn’t want to think about what happened. It’s over. This will never come up in the future. Never. Nuh uh.

I figured Molly would be excited about trying dead people tea. It’s something new, weird, and Caduceus seemed proud of it. Of course he’d want to try it. Hence, he magnanimously reserved his judgment on someone new hanging out with the Nein.

We also get some insight into what Molly thinks of Caleb. Totally run of the mill emotional reaction. Nothing to read into. No need to think it over at all. The purple tiefling definitely does not have attachment issues arising out of the fact that he has no memory prior to waking up in a grave, he never stayed in one place more than a few weeks, his first girlfriend died mysteriously, his first found family fell apart due to one of them being a fiend and a murderer, Yasha periodically goes off on her own leaving him with this deranged group of adventurers, and the cute hobo wizard decided to help save him and the others despite seeming so unwilling to work with the group. Molly is absolutely well-adjusted, and everything is normal.

Pffft.

Disagreements

Beau was an explosion of emotion when Molly died in canon, and I expect she would experience a lighter version of that upon rescuing him and him pretending everything is fine. She was going through some shit, but this idiot’s coping style is pretending everything is cool, so of course they’re going to butt heads.

I chose Caleb for this POV because he’s fairly calm and collected during others’ arguments, plus he’s the team expert in Blame and Guilt. He’d understand both sides of the argument, though he’d also (reasonably) prefer that Molly didn’t risk himself so willingly.

Then the confrontation with the Mardoon tribe. This served two purposes: (1) a reminder for Molly that the Nein is on his side, since they immediately switch to his defense; and (2) an introduction to Lucien’s reputation with another family of Shadycreek Run. I borrowed more things from Irish folklore, because even if those aren’t official D&D entities, the Run would have its own local ghost stories, especially in a place sandwiched between the Dwendalian Empire and the Savalirwood.

By now, there’s plenty of practical justification for the Nein to be curious about Lucien, and it’s really only Molly’s discomfort that would prevent them from looking into it. I wanted to explore how each of the Nein comes to different conclusions on whether that’s enough reason not to. After all, not everyone is as willing as Caleb and Molly to try to leave someone’s past where it lies.

Hugs

This scene introduces another formatting quirk. At times, some stuff will appear on the right side of the screen because something’s off about it. Maybe it’s distant or whispering. Maybe something else is going on.

I wanted to introduce colored font here, but realized that it would not show up in downloads. I decided not to use that formatting quirk. The line was going to read, “Everything went red.” That effect was only going to happen in certain scenes, but it wasn’t that important of a motif, so it wasn’t a big deal to leave it out.

It’s not a Mighty Nein story without some physical affection, and this seemed like the most apt scene to bring that to the forefront. With Molly awake, he’s gotta do something to keep from being bored, but he’d still be tired/sore from recovering, so braiding flowers into everyone’s hair would be a good activity. Plus Yasha has a ton of braids, so redoing all of them would take quite a while, hence the chaos crew banding together. Molly also fusses about her eating (after all, he was hungry when he woke up) and is happy to give hugs. Molly’s interactions with the Nein have been all over the place, so I wanted to include reminders that he does try to be kind, especially with Yasha.

Yasha’s comfortable enough with Molly to tease him, like shoving him playfully and messing with his hair. She’d know he’s a brat and is willing to bug him when he acts like it.

That said, seeing Yasha upset drives home that yeah, Molly screwed up. His plan to distract Lorenzo backfired, and both of them suffered for it. Jester was perceptive enough to catch his change of heart on the issue, though she knows better than to bring it to Molly’s attention.

I wanted to give the reader an idea of how Yasha’s arc is going to be slightly different from canon. She had gotten quiet and exceptionally depressed after Molly’s death, and while he lived this time, she’s still wrestling with feelings of weakness and failure. Even so, she’s learned that she can trust the Nein to watch out for him when he’s in trouble, which adds motivation to continue her walkabouts with the Stormlord.

Paranoia

Hoo boy, I love Fjord’s and Nott’s dynamic. I also wanted to explore the two people that would be most suspicious of what’s going on with Lucien and Molly at this point. Fjord’s sensitive to people pretending to be allies because of Sabian, and Nott tends to project her issues, so she’s prime to project her identity problems on Molly. Of course, both of their issues are going to get worse, and that is going to warp their relationships with Molly even further. For now, based on what little they know, that paranoia focuses on Lucien because of everything that went down in Shadycreek Run.

And since the readers should know the premise of the story, it is going to get really interesting once Lucien pops up.

Gentle Nudge

When Molly woke up a few days earlier, he noted he’d reserve judgment on Caduceus for later. It’s later!

As Molly made clear to Fjord in Berleben, “I don’t like new people.” Which was strange to say when he was immediately defensive and helpful toward Yasha in his Origin comic and is generally very outgoing, including around people the Nein only just met. However, Molly had acted skeptically of people and unwilling to help in some situations, such as the Nein’s bringing Kiri along after saving her in Labenda Swamp and their initial encounter with the Schuster children in Hupperdook. Based on those experiences, I think it boils down to a willingness to selflessly help with immediate danger, but more selfish tendencies when something isn’t urgent or there’s a risk that he might get attached to someone. As he said in the comic, it’s less awkward to help someone you don’t know.

So, on the plus side, Caduceus is nice, makes wonderful tea, has great style, and he’s happy to heal/buff the group when needed. On the negative side, he’s a new person and Molly doesn’t know why he’s traveling with the group. While Molly doesn’t care about anyone’s past, he definitely cares about what people want, and Caduceus is from the Savalirwood, which is infested with people who hate Lucien. This makes Molly cautious around Caduceus, even though he’s polite.

Thus, rather than the past/present/future reading that Taliesin taught to Laura in the stream, Molly chose to do a situation/action/result reading to prod at Caduceus to see what he wants the Nein’s help for. And as Caduceus noted, that was done in such a way that would avoid any return questions aimed at Molly. Unfortunately for Molly, his deception is only a +3 (because he’s proficient and it’s otherwise a +0), whereas Caduceus’s insight is a +8. The lack of darkvision meant that Caduceus would roll the perception check for tracking the shuffle with disadvantage, but there wasn’t any disadvantage for insight.

So, of course, Caduceus figured Molly out, but he doesn’t care about hiding what his mission is anyway, so there’s no reason to interrupt the reading. Caduceus figured out a bit about Molly in the process, and he got to indulge some middle child mischief by outing him at the end. Molly’s a bit annoyed that his clever plan didn’t work, but not offended either. He’s more aware of how insightful Caduceus is now.

Apologies

Sibling energy abound! Beau and Molly have such great sibling energy that is distinctive from Beau and Caleb. Beau and Caleb are more like siblings with a 1-2 year gap, close enough in maturity that they just rub each other the wrong way while still being on each other’s side. Beau and Molly are more like siblings with a substantial age gap, where the younger is annoying and needs to stop causing problems, and the elder doesn’t know how to have fun and needs to chill out.

Molly is also selective about who he is nice/affectionate with. For example, in the stream, he liked to rile up Nott and put ideas in her head because he thought she was a kid, but he’s rarely nice to her and was happy to antagonize her whenever he thought it’d be funny. Similarly with Beau, he’s done some backhanded nice things like using his blood curse to cure her drunkenness and sharing drugs with her to try to see what her deal is.

In short, he’s an immature little shit. Maybe he’ll improve!

The Evening Nip

Fjord’s turn to be paranoid. Again. We also got some insight into his identity issues and upcoming arc. He’s got a lot on his mind, and sitting in place doesn’t suit a sailor. So of course he stirs up some shit by talking to Cree. She gives a little exposition about Lucien’s background, though not much.

Some of the dialogue was lifted from Fjord’s later conversation with Cree in Episode 30, which is when he returned to Zadash from his trip during downtime. Unlike canon, Fjord had reason to pry at this point, so he got information earlier.

I thought the canon line “charismatic in his cruelty” was really interesting because of the timing. Cree said it after mentioning that Lucien promised the Tombtakers would go to a city to gain power and secrets, then she followed up with saying he didn’t survive. Why would she mention that when discussing that he made promises that he had not kept because he died? I did not take that to mean that Lucien was actively cruel or abusive towards her or the Tombtakers. Instead, I got the sense that she was upset he was gone—that his death was the cruelty. And considering that, in canon, she left the Gentleman’s troupe and spent months searching for his corpse along Glory Run Road and collecting the Tombtakers, it makes sense that she would be so devoted as to call him cruel for dying like that.

Unfortunately, this conversation also gave Cree enough information to also start questioning things…

Cree’s Commune

I enjoyed coming up with Cree’s backstory (which will be detailed in a later meta post), but the purpose of her introductory scene is to establish her relationship with Lucien, what she’s doing here, and give a solid idea of her role: with Lucien dead, she’s the sole connection between the Somnovem and the Tombtakers.

There’s an interesting plot hole or unexplained issue here: Cree never mentioned Vess DeRogna’s name when she first spoke with the Nein, which is weird if she thought Molly was Lucien. DeRogna canonically hired the Tombtakers for her earlier trip to Eiselcross and Aeor, so I don’t know how Cree didn’t know who DeRogna was when she later did the astral projection ritual that killed Lucien. It could be that Matt hadn’t come up with that yet. However, I think it’s also plausible that Cree just fucking lied to the Nein’s faces because she believed that’s what Lucien (Molly) was doing. And since none of the players did an insight check on Cree, none of the characters were very skeptical of what she had to say.

Another open question is whether any of the Tombtakers (or DeRogna) still had the powers of the Eyes of Nine after Lucien died. I don’t think they did. Cree had five eyes, which would have allowed her to scry through the eyes of others with the marks. If that was the case, why was Cree so excited that she knew where Tyffial was? That wouldn’t be remarkable if she was easy to locate on demand. Scrying as a spell was limited to a few times per day, but the scrying through the eyes was unlimited, so she’d have been able to figure that out with enough time if the eyes were working. And why hadn’t she scryed on Molly before he showed up or after he left on jobs? In addition, the first eye grants telepathy, and she would have certainly tried to use that to talk to Lucien directly when she met the Nein. Again, it could have been that Matt hadn’t thought that up yet, but narratively, it would make more sense that the power of the eyes went dormant when the Nonagon died.

I was really excited to explore Cree’s spellcasting, so I had to include one in her first scene. As a blood cleric, her stuff is always going to include blood somehow, and some blood-bending style casting fit her too well not to use.

Notably, her holy symbol is not the necklace with Lucien’s blood. I didn’t think that it would make sense that she’d be a priestess of the Nonagon if Lucien had died. Matt had also made a big deal that she had the necklace when the Mighty Nein saw her again in Eiselcross—as though it was something new. Thus, I don’t think she had the necklace at the time that she first met the Nein. That leaves two questions. What was her holy symbol? And what deity empowered her?

As a blood cleric trained by the Claret Orders, at some point, Cree was probably a cleric of the Raven Queen. However, it’s not clear when that would have ended. All we know for sure is that she must have been a cleric of some kind during the trip to Aeor, then eventually became Lucien’s priestess.

In this AU, Cree was a cleric of the Raven Queen and then became the sole priestess of the Somnovem. Thus, her holy symbol is something different: a silver coin carved with an eye and a ruby chip for the iris.

The language used for Cree’s Commune is also Gaeilge (Irish). We’ll see quite a bit of it between the two of them. Also, Gaeilge does not have words for yes/no, so the answers aren’t limited to single words. This still fits within RAW because of DM discretion to provide a short phrase.

Lucien & Elatis

Oh, man, there is so much going on in this scene. I can only discuss some of it.

This scene was the first. The very first thing I began drafting was a combination of the opening scene to this chapter and then immediately switching to Lucien. I eventually split them into bookends. The original was also much shorter, perhaps 1,500 words. It grew from the end forward, first adding some thoughts from Lucien before Elatis came in and shoved the Pattern down his throat, then adding his plot against them, then adding exposition about what had happened during his time in the Astral Sea, then filling in more about his recovery from his soul shattering.

It’s all really foundational stuff, mostly canon, but I didn’t want to rely on readers’ memory for it. This scene clarifies what is on the table: Lucien remembers his time in the Astral Sea, he’s already decided to betray the Somnovem, he came up with the plan that worked in canon, and how he’s managed to keep that hidden from the Somnovem. That should also highlight, in the event that readers forgot the tags and aren’t reading the meta posts, that this story is not compliant with The Nine Eyes of Lucien, which diverges from all of that. In TNEOL, Lucien had no memory whatsoever of the Astral Sea, he came up with his plan on the fly in Eiselcross, and there was no explanation regarding why the Somnovem didn’t see it coming even though they could read his mind and see the future—or, alternatively, why they let him win.

Lucien’s current circumstances needed to make sense for the AU premise (spirit trying to murder Molly) and for the canon ending (he successfully usurps the Somnovem). Thus, he already had to have some level of awareness of what had happened to him, what his situation was, and what his next steps would be.

The result is a really long scene establishing all those points and introducing both his personality and perspective. He’s not an idiot just going along with whatever people tell him to do. He’s a contrarian. He grew up poor and hates the upper classes. He’s well aware of how racism has fucked him over throughout his life. He’s curious, confident, and persuasive. He’s a schemer that wants to make a mark on the world, he’s stuck in a shit situation, and he’s come up with a plan to make it work in his favor. There’s a bit of psychological strain in there (why would he repeat an internal monologue to himself dozens and dozens of times?), but he sounds pretty rational and determined, all things considered.

And in comes Elatis to fuck all that up. She is the Somnovem that specializes in control, and this demonstration shows that Lucien was not exaggerating about what the Somnovem do to him. He has a solid grasp of who and what they are, which should also speak to his confidence that his plan would work.

The way Elatis “speaks” (since all this is actually telepathic) also matches the description in the opening scene:

“Elatis spoke apace in the faintest of whispers, crooning beguiling melodies. Her words dripped and melded together—like fresh honey—the meanings dissipating into formless praise if they could not be caught as they fell. The words she emphasized lingered, cordial and delectable, intoxicating and sweet.”

Her dialogue formatting preceded my decision on how to format the Pattern. It turned out that they complimented each other well, and her vanity would certainly motivate her to design the Pattern to emulate her style.

However, Elatis emphasizes whatever words she likes, while the Pattern has rules about what it does every time it shows up. As Lucien noted, “It reflected the whims of each Somnovem, encompassing their essence—one at a time—ever cycling between the nine’s domains.” So the Pattern adheres to different inclinations when it cycles through. This is just how it works when Elatis invokes it.

Edit: I forgot to add this! A portion of Elatis's dialogue is actually based on dialogue from Fallen, the film that inspired the premise. There is a scene where the protagonist finds a book on Azazel. I lifted some of the description of his abilities to then describe how the Somnovem intended to empower Lucien. However, I also tweaked some of the dialogue to match the D&D mechanics that I added to Lucien's stat block (which will be yet another meta post later).

Chapter 3 should be posted on Friday next week!

#TF&TS #TF&TS meta #chapter commentary

[sunsetserenade]

wow hi what. is going on in this tag.

anyway my immediate reaction upon seeing “the crawl” makes me think that it’s possibly not about any of our characters doing something or doing The Carwling

it’s probably about something coming out of the upside down. crawling out of it and into hawkins.

because im thinking about what nancy was saying after she got vecna’d and saw glimpses into the future, or at least vecna’s future plans. like how she said there were monsters coming out of the upside down, entering hawkins, entering their homes, etc. and that there’s some giant, gaping-mouth monster we have yet to get clarity on. so. “the crawl” may be literal as in something with new upside down enemies leaving their home turf and slinking into the material world.

additionally though, “to crawl” does not only mean the physical action of crawling, but also the literal or figurative act of making progress, albeit slowly. crawling your way toward something can mean approaching a goal at a nearly imperceptible rate, but nonetheless, progress is made. maybe it has to do with someone overcoming something or finding and reaching for a new goal. like trying to help max or wake her up, as an example. it may be a slow, seemingly impossible goal, but maybe they’ll crawl their way to victory if they can rouse her.

(i have a very strong feeling max is stuck in a dream-loop the same way terry was. max can’t see into the physical world anymore, but im sure her mental fight with vecna left her some extra-sensory powers, much like Will gaining true sight after being trapped in the upside for a week and being tormented by vecna at a psychological-horror level. so if that’s the case, then whatever max may be seeing may be the key to reversing the damage)

but if we want to take it literally in the sense of our beloved characters, it could definitely allude to them entering the upside down or getting in some sort of tight situation where they’re mostly inhibited. it is entirely possible we’ll get to see so much more of the upside down in this final season, so im sure they’re crawling their way into the unknown in the same way the monsters are entering a new environment.

that is all. carry on

#byler #stranger things 5 #stranger things 4 #stranger things

[tiptapricot]

🍊🍍🥝🍇 ~ fruits for my favourite fruit <3

Ty my favorite bird <3

🍊—Who’s a character you don’t write for that often, but keep meaning to write for more? (They’re so interesting! But maybe you have trouble pinning them down, or keep getting distracted by another blorbo)

Layla and Jake from MK auGHh! They both have sm n I have several fic ideas to go more in depth on Jake specifically, but in most of what I have now they’re often relegated to interaction or side appearances even tho they give me sO MANY THOUGHTS!! I think that’s part of the issue bc most ideas would b longer and more involved n I rly only am doing short stuff atm. I rly gotta do some stuff with them soon tho!

🍍—What kind of AUs do you like? Are there any AUs you hate or just generally have beef with?

Honestly I’m not much of an AU man, I more like stuff that plays with small tweaks or missing pieces of canon over drastic changes, as for me at a certain point it doesn’t feel like the characters I want to explore anymore. There are exceptions ofc but yeah, generally. Overall I like role swap AUs? I think they can give a good look at how characters got to where they are and how they address issues differently, but again that’s sort of playing in canon sandbox as well. Idk if timeloop counts as an AU or a trope but I like that as well, as well as stuff that’s more… switch around pieces but general universe is the same.

Beef wise, I don’t like no power aus for super heroes if there’s nothing else interesting or it’s not exploring like “this isn’t how it should be” type stuff. Same for modern Star Wars stuff w no aliens or paralleling structures like those? Are just guys now? Those are not the same guys? Both make a lot of conflicts feel less there and changes a lot of fundamentals. Also not a big fan of fantasy AUs for non fantasy properties? But that’s my personal issues w not being as much of a fantasy guy unfortunately 😭 Idk. I’m just not rly an AU guy haha.

🥝—What’s your favorite trope/AO3 tag to write?

Ig nonsexual (but also sometimes sexual) intimacy and 5(or however many)+1’s.

For the first it’s something about exploring people physically, and seeing the ways they find connection and boundaries with touch and contact, it’s just rly fun for me. I loVe sense of self exploration and how sensory input is felt and wanted is a huge part of that. Also has a lot of good descriptors, with warmth and rough/softness, hair texture, eyes and noses and stomachs. Good stuff. Can be gentle or sad or sexy or sweet and I always find at least a bit in all of my stuff.

For the second it’s similar in an examination sense, but more abstract, about seeing the space the character(s) take up and the reactions they have under certain circumstances. It can explore a swath of themes and moments, give a net cast if the characters life and how they’ve moved through it, and it’s relatively bite sized depending on how you go at it, making it perfect for the writing momentum that keeps me going.

���� —Is there a particular scene/episode/book/etc that you want to just write a million fics about, over and over? Which one?

Honestly probably a lot but I am sO bad at rmring stuff so this is kinda more like? Topics? From the top of my head: Miguel and Gabriella stuff from ATSV, Moon Knight stuff to do with the duat and with Gus, Miguel holding Mayday briefly, uhhh honestly just all of moon knight actually but JDHBDB that’s to be expected. Also post canon W359 but that’s less canon n more the whole shebang.

Send me a fruity writing ask!

#the fruit is talking again #the fruit is answering again #ask game

[unluckyhoneybee]

I need to rant and get this out.

My experience right now on the route to self dx, self discovery and looking for support:

(English is not my first language, maybe there are some terms written wrong or something, I don't plan to offend anyone, I just literally translate a lot of stuff. If it's the case, tell me and I'll correct it)

I think it was around November when I started seeing these tiktoks about adhd. My first thought was to think that it was bullshit and those weren't symptoms, everyone taps their foot when nervous or stims a bit. Right?

Well, it started bugging me a bit when instead of this "cute and quirky" videos, more serious stuff started to shoe up on my time line. It talked about attention and focus issues, about adhd paralysis, sensory issues, executive disfunction, hyperfocus, etc. I related too much to all of this.

I decided to start researching about this. I literally hyperfocused on Adhd. I could only think about it, watch videos, read, follow people, etc. I discovered that no, some of those symptoms I thought were common for everyone were not. I discovered that yes, everyone can tap their foot when they are nervous, but it's something truly common for adhd people. It's a common trait.

Well, I reached the point in which I needed to start talking to someone. My friend as adhd. She is literally my best friend. I wasn't expecting a reaction like this. I told her I believed I had adhd and she said: No you don't, you are really intelligent. You probably have really high IQ. Cool. I felt like shit and tried to explain to her that I had been reading about certain symptoms and that it made sense. She made me list some of them and then told me that it wasn't adhd, it was probably just something else. "I am very sensitive to noises and crouds and going to bars makes me anxious" "You are really introverted" that shit hurt and for a couple of days I felt lost. At that point I was so sure I had adhd and many things had started to make sense.

Then I talked to my sister and she said, it's alright. What do you plan to do now? I don't know. I still don't know. But she stayed with me, she let me rant and understood, she asked questions and listened to me. Also, she had just made a friend who is working on her diagnosis and I'm so thankful because we are always exchanging experiences.

Coming back to my best friend. When the idea that I have sdhd settled back, I realized that it made her insecure. She is really insecure. She is not the best in the class, she had a hard time studying and passing exams. She always said it's the adhd and she truly believes that it makes you stupid or something (no blame to her, her mental health is on the floor and has too many problems to deal with and fix). I get better grades, I know a lot of stuff about nature, animals, etc so for her, if I have adhd and can pass some exams it means that she is a failure and could do better.

Then, after admitting that I have adhd I started talking to my mum and dad because I'm sure it comes from my dad's side of the family and there are many (dad included) that have adhd in there. Okay. My mum has her doubts. Again, I'm intelligent. How am I going to have an attention deficit?

My cousin (5yo) probably has autism. Everyone in the family is worried because he needs to be "fixed". Bullshit. Yeah. But I have felt very misunderstood for my whole life and I'm not going to play that game. I started researching because I read about Audhd and because Im 90% sure that the kid is autistic. I want to be ready if someone brings it up in my family because I know that they won't do it in a good way.

During this austism research, I started doubting. What if? Again the same process. This time I only told my sister. Watching how my best friend reacted and how my family talks about my cousin's "problem" I don't feel ready.

At this point, I'm almost sure I'm autistic. I ve read about masking, about how adhd and austism can hide each other when they come together, late diagnosis, how girls get less diagnosed, more and more symtoms... I've done countless of test for both, autism and adhd, and they all come out as positive.

The thing is I don't feel ready to reach for Profesional help:

I have always known I'm different from the people around me. I wasn't like the other kids, like my friends. I preferred to stay at home than going to the park. I had a room full of Playmobil where I loved to spend time playing, preferably alone because other kids didn't "play well" (they didn't play the way I thought it should be played). This feeling of being different has always been there, it's like feeling misunderstood. It doesn't matter how much you try to explain, they never fully understand.

My dad just thinks it funny. Jajaja, my kid says I have adhd. My mum still doesn't see it. So you have that too? The only person that supports me is my sister.

For ages i have been trying to tell them that I need boundaries, I don't like physical touch, I need a lot of alone time, I have meltdowns and shutdowns and sometimes can't manage my feelings well. Every time I try to stop them they say I'm rude or have the worst moods. Lili is so rude probably the sentence I have been told the most in my whole life.

I've read some stuff about how sometimes an asd dx can close many doors and don't have many benefits for some people.

I don't want to face my family and have to explain but I really want to because of my cousin. I don't want him to grow this confused because now I look back and many things would have been so different if I knew what was going on. I've felt like shit so many times because I couldn't work out stuff and function it like others wanted me to. If I only had an answer...

I fear negative results. If they tell me I don't have any of this disorders, I know I'm gonna break. Plus, I don't have that much money to go from therapist to therapist.

I really fear rejection and people doubting my words. I don't want to have to prove anything to anyone but I know that it can happen.

I'm in a place in which I have settled for this. My personal experience plus what I have learnt, tell me this is true. I have adhd and asd. I'm not in a good place to look for a proper diagnosis yet, so the self dx is the only option. I'm starting to open up and understand many things about myself and how my brain works but still it is so scary to have to tell people. My symptoms are there, they are just masked. But I also fesr that if I start unmasking people will tell me I'm making it up. So stay "hidden" is the only way right now and it's so frustrating and scary. I wanna feel better and I'm slowly working on it. I'm accomodating my whole life to this new view and it feels good. I don't fear noise canceling earplugs now, or staying at home or just moving away if I need alone time. The rest will slowly come as I learn more and more.

If you have reached this, thank you for taking some time. I needed to get all of this out. Another day, I'll talk about my symptoms and traits, I'm still ordering those and trying to see where everything comes from.

#Austism #Adhd #Audhd #Neurodivergent #Honey bee's rants #Rant