#me holding up a ruler while writing this: jesus christ. fuck.

[specialgrades]

Not really a request but what are your headcanons on the JJK men's dick sizes?

OHOHO cracks knuckles i can do that. going full in like nanami should be in me rn dick-scriptions time

characters: gojo satoru, geto suguru, nanami kento, toji fushiguro, sukuna, choso, atsuya kusakabe

GOJO SATORU : a bit above average, a good 6.5 ~ 7in. slight curve upwards. a good 2.5 ~ 3.5in thick. pretty pink flush on the tip, shaft a few shades darker than his skin tone. cut. carpets match the drapes of course, he keeps it trimmed. fun trail tell me i'm wrong (i'm not). super sensitive vein on the underside. sensitive thighs too. grower.

GETO SUGURU : honestly, average cock size. he rounds up to five inches but we all know it's 4 3/4. two inches thick. like gojo, a nice pink flush and a few shades darker. no curve. for sure has a piercing, prince albert probably; silver jewelry. uncut. not a jungle, mildly maintained. sensitive head, especially with the piercing. shower.

NANAMi KENTO : nothing overwhelming, though still impressive. 7.5in long, 3in thick. cut, duel toned because of it. top half is more pink than the rest. short trim. curve to the left. right under the head is the key, he'll bite back a really embarrassing noise if you focus there. grower.

TOJi FUSHiGURO : i pray for y'all toji simps for real, cause fuck. 8.5in easy. 4 inches thick minimum. man built like a tripod. uncut, darker with red undertones. upwards curve. jacob's ladder. three of 'em. this man doesn't shower i'm so sorry. two prominent veins when you pull back the foreskin, sensitive but he'll never show it. shower.

SUKUNA : i pray for y'all as well. find a pringles can. it's bigger. ten inches long, four inches thick. curves upwards and a tad to the right. cut, pale so it gets a nice flush. his tattoos make an appearance, wrapping around the shaft a few times. grower thank god.

CHOSO : average length, 5.5in but thick. four inches. curve to the right, uncut. darker than his skin tone by around four shades. not super trimmed, a delicious fun trail leading to a mild bush. mildly sensitive head, though go for his navel and you'll get a lovely show of him getting all breathy and twitching. shower.

ATSUYA KUSAKABE : i've only just met this man but i want him. carnally. so... six inches in length and 2.5 in width. cut, duel toned though you can't really tell until he's flushed and the top half goes a pretty dark pink. like choso, tasteful amount of hair with the fun trail. one prominent vein that's sensitive, under the head too. grower.

#💌 ; asks. #gonna tag. all of them. hello *dies* #jujutsu kaisen smut #jujutsu kaisen x male reader #gojo satoru x male reader #geto suguru x male reader #nanami kento x male reader #toji fushiguro x male reader #sukuna x male reader #choso x male reader #atsuya kusakabe x male reader #tagging m!reader even tho it's not specific cutely #i wrote this instead of doing the dishes like my dad reminded me a good five times #me holding up a ruler while writing this: jesus christ. fuck. #i was gonna add mahito but that man can just change it at will and lies too. has never told the truth in his life #✏️ ; works.

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Insufferable

Chapter two - A king’s duty is a king’s duty

Sander’s sides fanfiction - ‘Off the Devil’s head’ spin-off (can be read as a stand-alone)

Wordcount: 1928

Ship: intrulogical

TW: cursing - a lot of cursing (still Remus, lovlies, get used to it), confusion, cute bickering (I think...?), forests at night, very obvious autistic tics (based on my own, so I know they are real and how they work, in case you’re not sure ^^ I wouldn’t write something that I haven’t checked at least twice with someone who has, or deals with or is deeply interested in this stuff). And I think that’s all. If anything pops up, do let me know :) <3

Summary of the whole story: This might have not been the brightest idea - steeling from a cart right in the fucking smack-dab-middle of the Square. But Remus never claimed his ideas were bright. Never said his words and actions were appropriate either. So how in all off goddamned hell did he find himself sprawled out on a giant comfortable throne instead of a cold and dark (and very drippy) prison cell - with guards actually guarding his safety instead of assuring his imprisonment - is completely beyond him.

Link to AO3 for those who prefer reading there ^^

----------------------------

Chapter two - A king’s duty is a king’s duty

There’s not a lot of things Logan dislikes. There’s a total of fifteen so far. But disruption of order, change and tall grass is definitely in the top ten. And wouldn’t you look at that?

Green-haired hurricanes are tearing threw his peaceful kingdom, disrupting peace - thus creating an unnecessary change. Which caused his sleepless state, which lead him down a path where he has to hop from foot to foot like a dear, to eliminate any unnecessary contact with grass.

And the fact that all these things alone cause unnecessary stress, let alone combined, just makes it all worse. His movements are more jagged then usual, more frantic. Gestures all over the place in unorganized manors. And his eyebrows are stuck in a constant ‘thinking scowl’ as his advisors call it.

To any other person, his behavior would seem truly strange - Logan can’t say he doesn’t feel a little embarrassed by it, even now that he’s alone. But there are some things that just can’t be helped.

Besides, all of his kingdom know that their king is a ‘little weird’.

Since Logan first sat on the throne - at the mere age of thirteen - everybody’s been in love with their ruler. It sounds a little odd, that they let a thirteen-year-old kid on the throne, but Logan’s never really been a kid. Since when he can remember he read books far too difficult for the usual kid his age, listened in on conversations he probably had no business listening to, let alone understanding. Sat by his father’s side, while he made life-concerning decisions. Watched his mother as she took care of every problem with caution and care not everybody could offer. Although Logan never got around to fully understanding that care, he learned to act the same way. Same words, same gestures. Nobody was worried when the crown got passed down to him. All the people in the kingdom knew they were in good hands.

Logan’s very first mission was learning the name of every single person in town. It wasn’t an easy task, but it wasn’t as hard as someone would expect, since a surprisingly big amount of people shared the same name. And Logan had a really good memory when it came to association. A face to a name. A shape to a math formula. The smell, color, density and overall look to a chemical. And of course, the exact numeric measurement of a star’s whereabouts.

But there was no way of ‘associating’ his way out of this. He had no clue of the density, the weight, the pace, the name, nor the whereabouts of this mysterious disrupter of peace. All he knew was, that his hair was unnaturally green and he looked way too skinny for a wealthy towns-man - which just underlined the reason why he was steeling.

Oh, and let’s not forget he wanted to kiss Logan. Right there on the Square, apparently.

The young king scratched his arm, absentmindedly, trying not to think too much about it. Not that that’s helping. Questions keep popping up, tripping up his sane thought process.

It’s not like Logan liked the idea of the stranger kissing him. He didn’t like to be touched, let alone landing his lips to someone else. But the thoughts didn’t leave him alone.

Maybe that’s why he was here, stepping over unnecessarily high strands of grass in the middle of the night. He might not like the greenery touching him, and the jutting out branches and leaves of trees and bushes cause him immense panic (and make him scratch his exposed body parts like crazy), but he actually likes the forest. It is really calming (for the most part, anyways).

He hoped that this almost-calming surrounding would help him clear his head. But it just seemed to stress him out even more.

The thoughts kept on swiveling in his head - swirling and twirling, not letting the unknown thief out of their claw-clad grasp.

Logan needed to find out the thief’s name. He knows everybody’s name. And if this thief stays close to town, he’s considered a citizen. He needs to learn his name.

Not far from the obsessing king, Remus was lounging out in the hammock he hung outside Matilde’s old run-down cottage. One leg swung over the edge, he swayed from side to side, twisting the silver ring on his slender finger.

Bored out of his mind.

There wasn’t many days, when Remus’s screwed-up brain didn’t come up with things to entertain him; but some days even that head needed some rest, it seemed. Apparently today was one of those days.

Not a single fun thought. Even the inner monologue he never seemed to be able to end, somehow bored him to death. The only thing peeking even the slightest of interest in him, was the constant image of those scarily-blue eyes the king-dude possessed.

Seriously. In all his life, he has never once seen such ocean-blue eyes. Dark and deep, holding many a secret. It made Remus desperate to know each and every single one.

But that was not happening. No matter how much the eyes mesmerized him. How much he couldn’t get them out of his head. (Agh, Jesus fucking Christ those eyes…) There was just no way he could go back to that town.

The king has let him go once (he chalked it up to his good looks, charm and smooth words) and the second time is as likely as Matilde coming back from wherever she fled to.

So here he was. Bored as all hell.

He sighed heavily, wondering what kingdom was next on his agenda tomorrow. When suddenly he heard a scrunch. Then another. And another. This was no squirrel. Remus sat up immediately, eyes darting along the dark forest.

It was so late. What the hell would anybody be doing up at this hour of the night?

He darted out of the hammock - almost falling face first when his foot got caught in the fabric - hiding in the near-by bushes. Thank the lords that he didn’t forget to turn the fucking lights off again.

The scrunching got louder by the second, and Remus crouched lower.

Low muttering drafted into his ears. “…nice of you good sir, but I’ll have to decline. I am not sure that would be appropriate considering we just met…” A dark figure, drafted in shadow came into view. “And besides, you haven’t even introduced yourself. I know the name of every citizen in this kingdom. For the sake of consistency, I would also like to find out yours…” Jesus Christ, who were they talking to?  And what were they doing?!

One leg up in the air, like soldiers marching, then quickly stamped down, hopping to the other. Weird movements all over the place, not even in a straight line, like a sane person. Was this person drunk? They looked like a fucking goat, jumping from one small jutting out pebble on the mountain-side to the other.

The site alone would make Remus want to piss himself, but together with the inconsistent murmuring? He couldn’t hold back the snort.

The figure immediately froze in place. All movement and words falling into still silence. “Who’s there?” They called out cautiously.

Remus bit his tugging lip hard. Fuck.

Well, there was no backtracking now. Besides, it’s not like he was scared. It was more likely he’d scare the crazy-pants over there. So slowly, he razed from his hiding spot with hands in the air and a huge grin on his face. “What are you doing dude? You look like a fucking crazy person.”

“I’m sorry, who are you?” came the person’s answer. Voice laced with nerves.

“Just a random dude in a forest.” Rem shrugged.

“That’s not a very satisfying answer.”

Roman bit back a laugh. Seriously, what the hell? “Don’t worry I won’t hurt you.” he snickered. Then this thought blinked into his head, and as you know, thought’s bring words. Stupid, embarrassing and unnecessary words. “Unless you want me to.” he winked seductively. Then realized the person probably couldn’t even see his face, let alone the wink he just threw at them. Ah well, at least it saved him some embarrassment, when his tongue betrayed him.

Swear to god, the person ‘Eep’-ed at this. He made this strangled sound that sounded like a nervous whine mixed with surprise cut in half and that just made Remus want to laugh even more. “That’s really unnecessary, thank you.” And they’re still being polite! How even…?

Rem couldn’t help it at this point. It was too much. He burst out cackling like to crazy idiot he is. Probably scaring the poor person to death. (But then again, the ‘poor person’ did come wondering into a forest in the middle of the night, muttering to themselves and jumping around like an idiot.)

“Am… You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Oh that’s right…“ Rem’s forhead creased in thought. “…what was the question again?”  

“Who are you.”

“I’m Remus.”

If Logan could allow himself to curse, he would. But he couldn’t so instead he just gave a long exasperate sigh. “And who might that be?”

The stranger stepped closer, allowing the fleeting moon-light to reach his features and gave a big bow. Hand gesture and all. “Me, obviously.” No matter how much he disliked to admit it, Remus was every bit as dramatic as his brother. If not more…

The king’s eyes lit up with recognition (not that Rem could see). Well, guess his duty’s done then - the thief’s name is Remus. Huh…Very interesting.

“Well, now that you know my name, it’d be nice to get yours, pretty.” Rem grinned, daring to get a few more steps in. Bringing him closer to the still standing-frozen person.

From here he could finally see more of them. Well, him. Because apparently the smooth deep voice he was conversing with was the royal-head himself.

And his royal head slanted to the left slightly, eyebrows drawing together. “Why should I give my name to unknown man in the forest?”

“Why should I give my name to some random bloke, then?”

“Because I asked you to?”

Remus wondered what this dude’s problem was. Logan wondered why even wanted to get out of the safety of his chamber in the first place.

“Alright then, weirdo, tell me one good reason why I should answer and you shouldn’t.” Rem crossed his arms over his chest. Yes, he was aware he was talking to the king. But that doesn’t mean he had to play nice.

Rem treats everybody the same way, because that’s how it should be. (Maybe that’s what landed his ass behind bars twice already…)

Logan jutted out his chin. He could use the ‘King-card’ - as his advisor calls it. Could easily force the thief to answer without any objections (that is if he abbeys rules; which he should.) But honestly, Logan felt like doing neither. It was late, and he was supposed to stop obsessing about this whole thing. Which he did. The thief’s name was Remus.

So, as gracefully as a king can, he shrugged. “I don’t have one.”

“Well, shit. Then you ain’t getting my name, darling.”

The royal couldn’t decide whether the thief was that simple-minded or just easily distracted. “You’ve already said your name.”

Our beloved idiot’s expression froze, grin falling. “Ah, fuck.” his shoulders did the same. (In a very overdramatic - and admittedly, impressively flexible - way)

Well, if he wasn’t screwed before, now he certainly was.

-----------------------------

Jesus Christ, I’ve never cursed more in my life and I hate it so much! I don’t curse in real life, not even while texting with friends (I use shit, hell and damn, but that’s about it) and this is killing me on a whole other level! But this is Remus, and I feel like a good Remus requires a hella lot of curses. 

So here we are. Me actually cursing more then my brain can accept it. But at least I get to project on Logan, right? I love autistic Logan, too damn much. He’s too precious. And the greenery thing? Believe me, my mum constantly makes fun of it XD But I don’t mind, I know I look ridiculous.

Anyways! I hope you liked this chap! ^^ I still have no idea where the hell I’m going with this, but I guess we’ll see where we end up. 

#Insufferable #intrulogical #logan sanders #ts logan #Logic sanders #Logan the King #ts logic #remus sanders #ts remus #the duke #duke sanders #ts duke #intrusive thoughts #ts intrusive thoughts #dark creativity sanders #ts dark creativity #thomas sanders #sander's sides #prinxiety #Of the devil's head - spin-off #of the devil's head #prinxeity

[travelingstar]

Opportunity Chapter 2

Again before I begin, I just want to state that this fic came from me and @starkravingspiders going back and forth on this idea. They will also be writing their own version of this story, so look out for that!

And I wanted to give my thanks to those who liked and reblogged the first chapter. I am so happy to see others enjoying what I’ve given so far.

Peter felt himself turn pale.

He faintly heard his bag drop as he looked at Tony. Everything sounded faint, like a bomb went off next to him and he lost his hearing for a moment.

He knew that this wasn’t Mysterio fucking with him. This wasn’t his sleepy haze messing with him. This was Tony.

Not his Tony.

But Tony regardless.

This Tony looked the same but also different.

He looked healthy, like he had actually ate a decent meal lately. He had a slight tan, and had that glow that Peter rarely saw that now was just radiating off naturally.

The Tony he knew had looked like he had skipped meals, would be pale, rarely smile as much and looked pained.

This Tony was smirking at him and giving off warmth.

Something Peter hadn’t felt in so long.

He must’ve been staring at Tony for a longer time than necessary, cause Tony started to walk up to Peter and gently put his hand on his shoulder. Peter momentarily flinched, but felt himself leaning into that touch. God, it had been so long since he had any affection given to him.

Tony looked at him gently, with those soft dark chocolate brown eyes that Peter could just get lost in. Even those were more radiant than the ones he fell for over five years ago on the Tony he knew.

“C’mon Petey, don’t leave me hanging. Tell me everything about this universe. Am I a mob boss and your a hipster trying to live in the worst part of town to get my attention?”, Tony asked grinning, clearly teasing, but Peter could see that Tony was worried about the college student.

Peter felt himself curl up a bit when imagining explaining to this Tony that not only is he dead but- wait.

How does Tony not know that he’s dead? How did he get into his apartment? Did he land here? How can he help to get him back?

So many questions were running through his head that he didn’t feel Tony slightly shaking him to get his attention.

“Hey Peter, what’s really wrong? You haven’t said anything and you look extremely pale. C’mon, let's sit down okay?”, the older man gently told rather than ask Peter and moved them to the couch where Tony was seated close to him. In any other situation, Peter might’ve blushed over the closeness of Tony.

But here, Peter was really trying to keep calm and sort his brain to make sure he can tell Tony everything without having his own feelings get in the way.

Tony leaned back and let out a buff of air before talking again, “How about this, I ask about a given person and you tell me how you see them in this universe and what they are doing so I don’t accidentally insult them and know which ones to insult.”

He winks at Peter, trying to lighten the mood.

Peter took a deep breath before nodding. He knew he at least owed this Tony this much. Maybe he can ask questions later if he’s lucky. “Okay.”

Peter looked over as Tony dramatically sighed before falling to his side and letting out, “Oh thank god you can talk! I was worried that my boy couldn’t talk, cause your greatest strength had always been your sharp tongued wit. Or at least, in my universe you were.” At the last word, Peter saw Tony deflate a bit.

Wha- No. Peter had to focus. Questions later.

Tony sits back up and looks at Peter before asking, “Okay let's start with Bruce. Where is he?”

Peter was internally sighing with relief that Tony was asking him about someone who Peter barely interacted with. Less pain.

“Well, after Thanos snapped 50% of the universe away, Bruce and the Hulk blamed themselves before fusing together. Last I heard, he was doing research on something I don’t quite remember. However I did hear his hand healed alright after he wielded the second Infinity Gauntlet and yeah.”

Peter’s eyes had wandered off whilst talking and when he looked back at Tony, the older man was staring at him like he had just killed a goat, whilst smoking a huge ass pipe and declaring himself the ruler of Canada. In other words, like he was batshit.

“Wait, what?! Thanos did what? Bruce did what with Hulk? He wielded what? Jesus Christ what else happened in this Universe?”

Peter had rarely seen Tony look this shocked and baffled, he kind of laughed as he watched the man trying to wrap his head around all of this.

“Okay, okay, maybe if I hear about the others I might understand a bit better. Clint?”

Peter had to think for a moment. He never once really talked to Clint and didn’t hear much about him except for the more basic stuff.

“Well I don’t know much about him to be honest, since you from this universe never really talked about Clint all too much. So what I know is that he left the Avengers to look after his family before joining again to fight against the accords, siding with Captain Self Righteous and he got put under house arrest for doing so and I think after his family poofed, he started to go on a killing stream before returning to the Avengers to help go back in time to get the Infinity Stones and him and Natasha were teamed up where Nat sacrificed herself for one of the stones. He’s now back on I think his farm with his family? Sorry if it isn’t much.”

As Peter had told Tony this, his facial expression had morphed to looking like he was about to laugh his ass of, to confused, to horrified, back to being confused like he had been with Bruce.

Tony looked off to the side for a moment before looking at Peter with those mixture of expressions on his face.

“Okay, I think it would be good for me to share my own universes version of the Avengers so that were on the same playing field, so that you aren’t left in the dark. So with Bruce firstly, while he has controlled the Hulk and befriended him, he has never fused with the Hulk. Also Clint having a family is honestly too hilarious. The Clint I know has a family that consists of the Avengers, his dog and the Air Vents at Avengers tower. Sure he likes kids, but him having kids? Never in a million years.”, Tony giggled at the end and throughout that as well.

Tony continued with, “Also Captain Self Righteous? I mean sure Ol Stevie can be a bit stiff, but he couldn’t be that bad right? Right?”

Peter thought that a Captain America who was actually good must be impossible, which he assumed Tony could read off of him, because the man looked worried.

Worried what this universes Captain America did to cause the positive Peter Parker to view him so badly?

Peter sighed and let out a empty laugh.

“Oh god where do you want me to begin? Maybe where he decided to just leave you and not read the Accords that were made to restrict Superheroes and to run after his brainwashed friend who needed to be arrested and taken care or? Or that time that he got me crushed under a container at an airport in Germany after he refused to try and talk to you when you offered? Or when he held back the information that Bucky had killed your parents and he left you in Syberia alone without a working and you had to be hospitalized for weeks, leaving us all worried. Fearing that you might die. And then you did! Not than but later. You saved the universe, leaving behind friends and family and your child. And Steve just bailed and left his responsibilities to live his life with a old love he should’ve let go and leaving behind his friend who was also out of time.”

Peter couldn’t stop the words to pour out of him. All of these feelings were trying to claw their way out of his throat. But he didn’t want to burden this Tony. But he couldn’t stop.

He also couldn’t stop the tears from falling down and his breath starting to shake.

He than felt Tony grabbing his arm and pulling him closer towards him, not having realized that he had scooted away from the man.

Peter tried to pull away, the voice again telling him that Tony didn’t need this. He didn’t need someone to just break down and cry. He didn’t need to have to care for Peter. He was just some dumb kid, he didn’t matter.

Before Peter could reach up and scrub away his tears, he felt Tony gently brushing away his falling tears. He felt a gentle kiss on his head before Tony looked him directly in the eye.

His eyes weren’t harsh, instead his eyes were filled with worry over the college student in front of him.

Tony continues to rub and gently holding his face before starting to talk again, his voice being heavy and yet gentle on Peter’s mind.

“If I’m dead in this universe, why isn’t anyone taking care of you? What about Thor? He would’ve let you stay on Asgard to properly heal. Or Rhodey? He’d never let you out of his sigh and would’ve made sure that you were cared for. Happy? He would have pretty much adopted you and cared for you and would’ve done anything for you. Pepper? She would have at least taken you into Stark Tower or whatever it’s called here. She would’ve given you much more than this old apartment with barely anything. Why didn’t you get anything? Did this universes me give you nothing in the will? Why do I have a kid here? Where is Aunt May and your friends? Where is anyone?”

God did Tony looked pained. Peter wanted to look away, feeling ashamed for making Tony feel this way because of him. Wasn’t it clear why no one was there for Peter?

Peter’s hands gently reached up to touch Tony’s hands that here cupping his face, he could feel himself shaking slightly, but tried to pull himself together. He also tried to keep his voice steady, but it didn’t come out as strong as he had hoped.

“W-why would they care for me? They didn’t know me. They lost you a-and I didn’t want to bother them. I-I wasn’t there when the will was read, but I took that old prototype arc reactor and a old shirt of yours. I know it’s bad, but I badly needed something to remind me of you. After I was gone for 5 years, I found out that you and Pepper had a kid. My friends are now older than me and Aunt May is busy. They are all busy. Why would they care? I'm just some kid who isn’t important. I only annoy others and am not important. I can’t even do my jobs and classwork properly to than be allowed by SHIELD to be Spiderman and help others. I’m just in the way of others and am usele-.”, before the now shaking boy could finish, he was pulled into a tight hug by the older man.

He felt Tony rubbing his back and gently heard him whispering to him to let himself cry and that he’s here and that everything will be okay.

That did Peter in.

He starts to sob into Tony’s shoulder, smelling Tony’s usual smell of machine oil, old cologne and something else. He also smelled like freshly made cookies and warmth.

Peter was both melting and sobbing more and as he was reaching his arms around to hug Tony, he noticed that he had held the old arc reactor in his hand. He must’ve grabbed it whilst rambling.

Peter almost didn’t hear Tony speak up again.

“Peter I don’t know what else to say other than I am sorry. I can’t believe that you weren’t cared for by any of the people who I trust my life with and would do anything for in a heartbeat. I am disgusted that you were thrown to the side like a forgotten toy by the others. They should’ve taken care of you. Myself in this universe should’ve cared for you. I don’t know why SHIELD would have control over your suit and being a superhero, but regardless that is wrong. You saying that your dumb and useless is breaking my heart. You are not dumb. You are not useless. Lord you are so damn important. You help keep everyone determined. God damn, I not only failed you in my universe, but here as well.”

That last comment really struck with Peter and so did the rest of what Tony had said. The way Tony spoke made him think that maybe the way the Avengers in his universe had been acting had been wrong? Tony’s voice had shaken at the last part, which made Peter worried as to what had happened to him. But how had Tony failed him in Tony’s universe?

Peter pulled away a bit and looked at Tony in his eyes, which were filled with sorrow and pain that he was trying to hide.

“Tony. What happened in your universe to me?”, he asked whilst looking into his eyes.

Tony looked away for a moment, turning pale whilst taking a couple of deep breaths before he answers.

“When Thanos came, we were prepared. But the fight was hard. We were close to losing, than you were able to get the gauntlet. You wielded it and Thanos along with his army had turned to dust. You soon also turned to dust. You died whilst I held you in my arms.”

#starker #marvel #fanfic #my writing #angst #self loathing #the avengers are jerks here #opportunity

[lengthy-artery]

Sister of Moses

Fandom: The Exorcist (TV show) Characters: Marcus Keane Tags: daemon!AU, Alternate Universe - Daemons, I Can and Will write daemon!AU for anything Word count: 676 Rating: General Audiences AO3 Link: Here

His Bible is open on his lap.

It has been for a while now, the vellum-thin pages soft and warm beneath his fingertips, but Marcus hasn’t read a single line from it in the last hour at least. He’s still… settling, he would say. He’s still tamping down on his emotions – on the elation and the delight and the hot, savage fury that follow so often in the wake of an exorcism. It was a success – of course it was, it always is – but the fury is there all the same, directed at himself for letting the demon fester for so long and at the demon in general, at its smugness and the way it seemed so fucking certain in itself, in its position, in how it had taken possession and tainted and corrupted as if it was its fucking right, as if it was anything other than the god-damn plague it was.

He doesn’t notice he’s beginning to crumple the page under his hand until Miriam presses a clawed foot to his neck in warning.

“Darling,” she says so very softly. “Marcus. Calm.”

“I am.”

“You are not.”

He is not. The page is still tight and twisted in his grasp, knuckles still edging towards white with the tension in his grip.

Miriam flitters on his shoulder, darts up into the air for half a breath before she settles again, hop-skipping across his shoulder to speak low and soft in his ear. “Marcus,” she murmurs, “Marcus…”

It’s a warning, in a way, and one that he knows well. Restrain yourself, she means to say but never does, does not have to, Calm yourself. Hold your anger for when you need it.

“I’m cold,” he replies just as quietly. Cold anger. They’d read it in a book countless years ago, this concept of hot and cold anger, but Miriam had been the one to pick up on it. Miriam had been the one to flit from his shoulder and settle on the words, lean down to tap her beak against them with that strange, shushing sound of paper against bone, and say This is what we need, Marcus. This is what we need to contain.

It’s a common thought for the both of them these days. To run cold is to hold your anger back, hold it in, shape it and turn it to something you have control of, to something that no demon could ever turn against you because you have already turned it against itself. It is not Marcus’ natural inclination, and never has been – his anger runs hot like blood, heavy and twisted and bubbling at the surface of his skin, so close and so easy and so poisonously volatile. Demons love it, he’s found, damn near fucking feast on it whenever he tries, against Miriam’s advice (against his own damn advice) to turn it out and consume them with it.

Against his neck, Miriam’s beak runs in a small, soothing pattern. Marcus raises his hand, not looking up from the Bible open in his lap, and strokes her back with the knuckle of a single finger. The page flexes, freed from his grasp, and he watches it twist and find its settling-point amongst the new topography he has given it.

“Read to me,” Miriam says.

“You know the words better than I do, love.”

“Read to me all the same.”

Marcus smiles to himself. The words beneath his fingers are half-hidden by years worth of pen scrawlings and pencil drawings, but he doesn’t really need to see them to know them. Not anymore. “Revelations,” he reads, “Grace and peace to you from him who is, and who was, and who is to come, and from the seven spirits before his throne- “

“-And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth.”

“I thought I was the one reading to you.”

“You are. Continue.”

Marcus smiles, and clears his throat, and continues.

Inside his veins, hot anger turns to cold.

#crunchy fic #the exorcist #the exorcist fic #marcus keane #listen #Listen. #I WILL daemon!au ANYTHING #you can bet your ass i've already figured out ryan and shane's daemons #i know what i'm about

[its-negans-lucille]

Unforgettable

Masterlist

Synopsis: You and Negan get in a big fight. (fluff) Prompt via @bisexual-watermelons​ (I hope you like it xP) Ships: Negan x Reader Words: 1,065 Warnings: Curses, suggestive behaviour

***

Negan had you pinned up against a wall in his room. His face was hovering a few inches above your own. Your breath intermingled with his. You gave him a wicked smile as he pushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

“You’re so god dammed sexy.” He said in a low husky voice as he eyed you over hungrily.

“Oh, am I now?” You said as you bit your lip. You heard him let out a small moan.

You reached your hand up so that your finger tips just scraped his underarms. To your surprise you felt him shiver under your touch. You did the same circular motion under his arm again, and he did another, more violent shiver. You felt his hands trail across your hips and take your  hands in his and pin them above you head.

“Let’s get back too it then, shall we?” He smirked as he started sucking and nibbling your neck right in the place that made you knees weak.

You managed to wriggle your hands out of his grip and once you did you started to make small motions in his underarms. He let out a chuckle. It wasn’t one of his usual, seductive chuckles though it was one that escaped his lips involuntarily.

“No way.” You said, a smile spreading on your face. “No way are you ticklish.” You said, starting to laugh yourself.

The meanest, most ruthless ruler and man you had ever known, was ticklish. Oh you were going to have fun with this.

“I’m not.” It was as good as an confession. Negan said it a gruff tone as he tried, and failed to move your hands.  

“Okay, fine , fine. I’ll stop.” You smiled again, a mischievous glint in your eyes. “Where were we?”

You bit your lip and pushed him forcefully onto the small bed. The evening light left a dim light in the room. You walked towards him and made sure to sway your hips. You saw him lick his lips as you positioned yourself on his lap.

“Now just relax. Let me do all the work.” You smiled are you placed two fingers over his eyelids and slowly slid them shut.

“Oh, I like this.” He said in a husky voice.

When you were sure he wasn’t looking you quickly began to tickle him ferociously under the arms.

“Jesus Christ!” Negan yelled in surprise as he rolled onto his back. He was letting out involuntary laughs. You had him pinned down so that he could hardly move and so he was at your mercy.

You were laughing so much now that there were tears rolling down your cheeks. “I cannot believe that the big, bad and terrible Negan is ticklish! Oh my god! Has Christmas come early this year or what?!” You yelled mirthlessly.

“Hey! Stop it! Doll, come on!” Negan said through his laughter. You didn’t stop but continued to tickle him. You thought that this must be the most fun you’ve had in years.

“Fine, if you want to play it that way!” Negan said finally. He flipped you over so that he was sitting atop of you. You knew what he was about to do.

“Look, we can make a deal!” You said in a reasoning voice, a chuckle escaped your lips as you beamed at him.

“Nope, no deal here, doll. You’re at my mercy now.” He said with a smirk as he removed his leather glove, making a show of it.

He slowly trailed his hands up from your hips toward your underarms. You began to squirm and you could already feel the laughter bubbling in your throat. Then he reached the holy land, your ticklish spot. He started to tickle you with great mirth. This looked like the most fun you’d seen him have in months; aside from when you’d fuck him.

“No! Stop!” You said with laughter. Your cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much. You could see the enjoyment he was taking etched in his smile and his eyes.

You swiftly reached up behind you and hooked a finger around a bland white pillow. You quickly hit Negan in the back of the head with the pillow. You didn’t hit him hard enough for it to hurt him but you hit it hard enough for it to take him aback. You swiftly squirmed out of his grip. You stood up; your feet hit the cold wooden floor.

You braced yourself with the pillow at your side; you held the pillow as one would hold a sword. You bounced on the balls of your feet, ready for Negan to make a lunge at any time.

“I always knew there was a reason why I liked you.” Negan smirked as he slid off the bed.  You were both walking in a circle, almost like clockwork.  

“Eh, took me a while to realise why I liked you.” You said with a playful smile.  You were still walking in a rotation, like Ying and Yang.

“Oh really? And what do you, pray tell, like about me?” He asked sweetly. “That you’re ticklish.” You said as you threw the pillow at him.  He ducked quickly and a smirk spread across his face. Damn his sharp reflexes.

“Nice try, Princess.” Negan said as he launched over to you. You let out a startled screech.

You both rolled onto the small bed and laughed breathlessly. It was times like this that you appreciated. Times like this that you cherished above everything that had happened. Times that you forgot that you were in the middle of the end of the world. You beamed at the man beside you. You had a hand lazily draped over his chest.

“You know I’m never going to let you forget this, right?” You said with a smile. He had an amused glint in his dark grey eyes.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” He said with a smile. He leaned over to you and placed a small kiss to your forehead.

***

SO MUCH FLUFF

I hope you enjoyed this oneshot! I very much enjoyed writing this and it was a nice change from a lil angst!

As always have a wonderful day!! C:

@negans-network

#Negan #Negan x Reader #Negan TWD #TWD Negan #TWD #The Walking Dead Negan #Negan The Walking Dead #The Walking Dead

[blapisblogs]

Okay, this isn’t what I usually post on here, but since this considers a movie I recently added to my blacklist, and has been cluttering my thoughts since I saw it, I figured fuck it, I have to write something about this.

Recently I made the decision to join a group of people online to watch a bootleg recording of the Emoji Movie.

It’s bad.

Shocking, I know, but I mean it. It is bad. Not even funny bad, just bad. As in it exceeded my already low expectations. I set the bar on the ground and it burrowed under it.

I may not ever liveblog this movie (because Jesus Christ, why would I even if I didn’t watch it already), but I will talk about why I felt it was bad.

Spoilers below the cut. Not spoilers for the Emoji Movie (because it really doesn’t deserve a spoiler-free rant(?)), but for other, better animated movies that others have already pointed out that it at least vaguely resembles (namely Wreck-It Ralph and The Lego Movie).

For starters, the overall pacing of this movie is hands-down the worst I’ve ever seen for anything. It literally fucked up the perception of time for the other people who were watching it, myself included. I can’t even find words to describe what terrible pacing this has, or even find an apt comparison for it because it’s just that unbelievably incompetent. There were three writers working on this thing, and it seemed like none of them had a single idea of how basic story flow works.

Speaking of the story, it’s just as dull and confusing of a mess as most people had feared. It has all the trademarks of your formulaic animated kids movie. Male protagonist who doesn’t fit in but wants to change that? Yep. Annoying best friend (who doesn’t act like one in this at all) sidekick that’s supposed to be funny and charming (but in this movie actually isn’t either of those things)? Yeah. Girl character who’s “not your typical girl” who ends up being the love interest to the main protagonist? Oh you better believe that’s there. Main Protagonist does something that puts multiple people in danger and now he and his newfound friends have to go out to save everyone, and in the end he defeats the bad guy and gets to be himself? Oh yes. Bland cishet romance? Duh. Jokes that try to appeal to millennials but fall flat? Definitely. Bathroom jokes? There’s a freaking poop emoji (two, actually), of course there is. Oh, and so much blatant product placement that it’d make an Adam Sandler movie blush.

The internal logic of this movie’s world just doesn’t make sense. In this film, whenever someone wants to use an emoji, that emoji gets scanned, and the ones with expressions have to make and hold the right face while they’re being scanned, and apparently they have to go through this process every time the phone user wants to use an emoji. Why do they need to be re-scanned every time? Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just take a picture of everyone once and use that? Why do they all have to act “in character” for their whole lives even when they’re not going to be scanned? (You know how the characters in Wreck-It Ralph “break character” once the arcade closes? Yeah, that’s definitely not what happens in this movie; what you see is what you get.) There are animal, food and object emojis in this world, so do they get to have different emotions while others don’t? Emoticons exist in this universe (as elderly people), so what happens if the user wants to send one of those instead of an emoji? The emojis with expressions definitely have parents since at least three of the characters are parents, so how does that even work? If two different emojis have a kid together, what does that kid turn out to be? Are two different emojis even allowed to be together in this fucked up universe? Why do the poop emojis need to use the bathroom?! There are so many questions that this movie raises, and pretty much none of them are answered. I mean, as bad as the Cars films can be with a similar “how is that even possible in this universe” logic problem, even those aren’t quite as in-your-face questionable as the ones this movie brings up. (Plus, there are at least minor attempts at getting around some things in the Cars series, whereas the Emoji Movie doesn’t even try.)

The characters are all pretty much one-dimensional, even the ones that are supposed to be more “complex” than the others. It’d be one thing if they were at least enjoyable to watch, but they’re not. Gene, the main character, is supposed to be someone the audience likes, but the moment that his confession of forced heterosexual feelings “love” for Jailbreak is rejected by her, he leaves both her and High-Five, and while the writers obviously want people to feel bad for him, it comes off as him acting like an asshole just because his spontaneous feelings weren’t reciprocated by the woman he didn’t even know for a whole day (I think it was a day anyway; like I said, the pacing and sense of time in this movie is fucked up). The writers want you to believe that Gene and High-Five are friends, but given that High-Five initially wanted to go with him for selfish purposes (he’s a “loser” emoji who doesn’t get used much at all and thus gets excluded from some kind of after-party thing, which also brings up a lot of questions), and given the lack of any sort of interaction between the two to imply that they’re growing closer as friends, it comes off as completely false and forced. (Also, I know in most animated stuff they record the actors separately, but dear lord, you should not be able to easily tell that the voice actors for the characters interacting with each other on screen were never in the same room together. In this film it’s painfully obvious that High Five’s voice actor had little to no interactions with the other actors because he has so many moments of solo ad-libbing that make no sense and nobody bothered to stop him or leave any of it out despite it not even being funny.) There’s a moment where Gene’s father, Mehl (haha), reveals that he also has more than one emotion but he’s learned to suppress it, and it’s supposed to be emotional, but given that the earlier scenes he had with his wife, Mehry (HAHA), had him blaming her for why Gene is the way he is, it doesn’t quite make up for what he said in those earlier scenes, and in a way seems to make it worse since he knew it was “his fault” yet blamed her for it anyway. At the end of the movie, Jailbreak goes from being a character who ran away to pursue her dream of being more than what she is supposed to be, to... well, love interest. Yeah, she does other stuff, but at the end she’s basically just a love interest for Gene. Oh, and she also rudely brushed off her mom who was no doubt worried sick about her for who knows how long rather than give her any sort of comfort, which doesn’t make her very likable either. Also, the actual humans that exist outside the phone are barely in this, and their subplot is pretty pointless. (It’s also a forced heterosexual subplot too, because one just wasn’t enough I guess.)

You know how one of the biggest rules of writing is “Show, Don’t Tell”? Apparently none of the three writers working on this movie have heard of that, or they have and they completely ignored it, because there is a lot of telling in this movie and not much showing, especially in the opening with Gene narrating for several minutes.

I don’t think any of the writers know anything about how the internet or smartphones work, or anything at all. The child has a disguised “piracy” app on his phone? They think that it’s possible to reverse the deletion process on a phone, while it’s happening no less? (Factory reset? What’s that?) I am pretty sure that they don’t understand that internet trolls are actual people and not a thing the internet itself makes up? The kid calls the store so he can make an “appointment” for his malfunctioning phone instead of just going there? There are several points where the kid with the phone could’ve just turned off or muted his phone, but didn’t because I don’t know?

(Wreck-It Ralph spoilers ahead) There are revelations that come out of nowhere with absolutely no build-up and are poorly timed, and the biggest example of this has to be the scene it’s randomly revealed that Jailbreak is the missing princess emoji that was only briefly brought up one time before that. I knew that this twist was coming due to it being spoiled in other reviews, and I’ve seen badly-handled reveals before, but I’ve never seen it handled this poorly before. Say what you will about Wreck-It Ralph, but the reveal that Vanellope was the actual ruler of Sugar Rush had hints and build-up to it, and it waited until the time was right to confirm that information to the audience, unlike this movie where the reveal is dropped on the audience somewhere in the second act without much if any build-up to it because the writers just threw their hands up into the air and said “Fuck it! I don’t know! Who cares!”

Sir Patrick Stewart as the poop emoji was completely pointless. I don’t think he even got that much screentime, and the only thing they really did with it is a random Star Trek joke that makes zero sense in the context of the movie itself. (He’s sitting in a chair in his “assigned cube” like Picard does in Star Trek TNG, even though none of the other emojis have chairs in their cubes and this reference is just there because... really forced voice actor reference.) Of course that’s not even getting into the fact that there’s a character who is literally sentient feces. I know it seems ridiculous for me to criticize this part since one of my favorite guest characters from Rick and Morty is Fart, but Rick and Morty is already a weird show with side character names that are even weirder than that, the casting of a decently-known actor for that small part made sense (Fart’s very Bowie-inspired, and Clement is well known for his “rough impersonation” of Bowie), and wasn’t just “we got this well-acclaimed actor to voice a literal turd; that’s the joke”. Plus, at least the writers of Rick and Morty can at least, you know, write characters and a story.

Speaking of characters, there’s something I find unsettling about how the women in this movie are portrayed. Jailbreak starts off as a character with a goal to make it to The Cloud (literally shown as a cloud, of course), but by the end of the movie it seems she completely gave up that dream because she fell victim to the writers’ need to make her a heterosexual love interest to the boring male protagonist for no reason realized she loved Gene for no reason. Gene’s mother, Mehry, is the only one in the family who doesn’t have any “unusual emotions”, while her son and husband do. The only human girl in the real world that I know has a name is just a love interest (though to be fair, the rest of the human characters aren’t very well defined either). The only female character in the cast who isn’t a love interest is the villain, and she’s clearly meant to be an unlikable bitch who wants people to either conform or die. All of the characters are written badly, but something about how these writers portrayed their female characters really doesn’t sit well with me. I doubt this was intentional (at least I really hope it wasn’t), but still.

Like I said, the product placement in this movie is horribly blatant, with probably the most painful example being Candy Crush (which is now adding Emoji Movie levels). I’ve heard that someone in charge of production said that the apps shown in this were going to be shown front and center in this movie, but christ. You’d think that maybe there would be some creativity as to how these apps look and work inside the phone from the perspective of a character who exists inside it, but... no, not really. Hell, the Candy Crush app just made me think of Sugar Rush from Wreck-It Ralph and remind me of how much better that movie is in comparison. Or lots of other movies, for that matter.

(Wreck-It Ralph and LEGO Movie spoilers ahead, and possibly Inside Out too) Speaking of which, early on people were already crying “ripoff” because the basic premise already sounded so similar to that of Wreck-It Ralph (only it’s a phone rather than video games), LEGO Movie (at the very least with Jailbreak resembling Wyldstyle), and Inside Out. I haven’t seen the latter film (yet), but I can say that the accusations about it ripping off the other two aren’t far off. For starters, the basic premise is similar to The LEGO Movie (male protagonist goes on an adventure with his newfound funny friends and eventual love interest and saves the world from a bad guy), with some elements of Wreck-It Ralph mixed in (set inside something humans play with, protagonist is treated differently from others but learns to believe in himself, his newfound friend doesn’t fit in either, one friend turns out to be royalty, in a way it even kinda rips off how the opening was narrated by the main protagonist). However, what made Wreck-It Ralph and The LEGO Movie both more successful than this one (among multiple other things) was that they actually did something with their settings and plot, and they featured characters that were written so that people would want to see them succeed. Emmet’s relatable because there are people who don’t think they’re special or talented in a world where everybody else is. Ralph is relatable because there are people who are judged for what they do for a living without knowing them on a more personal level. We’re supposed to like Gene because... well, because the movie said so. Yeah, he’s different, but unlike Ralph and Emmet, there’s no sense of charm or wit to him (or anyone else in this movie, for that matter). What it also lacks that the other two have (again, among many other things) is heart, and at least some subtle forms of creativity. I can tell that the people who worked behind both of those movies had fun with what they were doing and believed in it. The Emoji Movie just... doesn’t. It feels like cheap, poorly-handled advertisement first and a movie dead last. I couldn’t think of anything I saw in it that didn’t make me think of something else that handled it better.

Also, this has nothing to do with the movie itself, but I’ve come to hate the people who use the “kids might like it” argument to justify this movie’s existence. Kids deserve better than movies like this, and in this day and age there’s plenty of things that kids would like that have more respect for their intelligence than this movie does.

This, however, I will blame the movie for: the people behind it have been shown saying stuff like “it has a good message” and it’s “feminist,” but it’s all just blatant lies; nothing about this movie is progressive or has a good, well thought-out message in general. I’ve heard men who hate this movie claim that the “feminism” in this movie is forced, and it is, just not in the way they say it is (considering they usually imply that feminism in general is bad and unnecessary). Look, Wonder Woman (as a comic book series and a character; I haven’t seen the movie yet) is feminist; the Emoji Movie is not. The Emoji Movie is trying to disguise itself as feminist (or rather what some doofuses think feminism is) as a tactic to get people to see it because that’s what people these days want to see, and the execution makes it obvious that they don’t really care about actually being feminist or even understand what it means. One person in the stream said that one of the creators claimed that Gene’s inability to handle just having one single emotion and his dad’s suppressed multiple emotions was supposed to be a metaphor about being gay (though I found it to be more akin to being a metaphor about being neurodivergent), but if that’s supposed to be true, then why not just actually make Gene gay? (Not like anybody in the LGBT+ and/or neurodivergent community would want to be associated with this garbage movie; I’m bi and autistic and I know I wouldn’t.) I honestly think that they just said it so that they could sucker people into seeing it. In fact, that’s how it seems to be for all the other “good messages” it wants to send as well: they say they’re there, but they’re just saying it because they know that’s part of what sells these days, and they think that if they just say that then people will give it their attention and money, and I honestly find that despicable.

In short, this movie offers nothing to most everyone (I say “most” only because this could be used as an example of how not to make a good movie), and the people who green-lit this should be embarrassed. I know some people want to see it ironically, but please don’t go out and see it, especially not in theaters. It’s not worth your time, and especially not worth your money.

#not a liveblog #long post #Lego Movie spoilers #Wreck-It Ralph spoilers #Emoji Movie //

[mrmonde-blog1]

tong, cut

wyre kevin puonjo g-tedo chaye mar milo gi-tangamwizi, gi- tea masala, tm, ther mit huko jamaica. Arina hse no 12 gi 67 en mari kebi- esepiago opanga ni, jogi thero giparo ni piny enmargi, hse no 78 ondiek en-mari victor, hse 45 gi 234 enmari stevo-chonga panga tafadhali, tong kila ngato miyoudo by your side, hse no 65 manyata arabs gi hse34 usaid en mari-onetho- tong mluya osefuo, gi-dog kakamega, when there is tea in kach gi-tongo G, when they here of nyamawho gilokre says unice, gi-dwalo ma-korgi says odindo. Post thing on youtube can raise cash for the government let it be paid via card, we got to put these cold blood photos on Youtube, kokitong ngamomiyi then ebe-eblotongi says ogila.

Parable of the Net, TN, the negev, niglect, nigaz, Nelson eliminating/enetertaining/enjoing trickery, Tea, tiger, tychus, TZ, timer, tong, tasmani, nelson ejaculative timer, taco etc Big fish BF from small fish, Bf booty french, finish- sf sigmoid friud, small face, smart face, sianda fat etc Mbolo chake haina respect, ni tumbavu sana like students stand up when a teacher visit their class to show respect, his manwhodi is very rude as it doesn't stand up when a woman i near unless messed with bro. It has alot of disrespect bro. He brags the whole day like he gave it to that woman the way she wanted to him but when you listen to the woman sentiments the job was not good enough even-though to him the match/game was tight- the woman crying this side and him that side, infact he was heard saying to that woman in local dialect 'be ewicho mit mawinjo emanda ni kaka awinjo, mochand enega kapoda thin' When translated means do you feel what am feeling mrs Robinson within my penis the same way i do, young girl, kinda you are killing me when am still young- very sweet and succulent. Unahisi na kusikia hii utamu vile nina hifeel nancy- tamu na kisha anasema akichapa ulimi kwa juu ya mdomo kama kwamba anamumunya Big G. In-fact again when it nears to ejaculate the wife tells he puts one of his legs up inside a torn net saying arrogantly that he is showcasing his prowess, swag and skills in bed, to him he has done his level best as good job not knowing with sex is a two way traffic lest the woman divorce you. Sheep and goat parable. Gabana,loves Gun when in attack as well as eating banana and kutombana and the government will be on his begashoulder as in Jeremiah nine or tisa which looks like A gun or to baptise him. Check all my followers and those am following- they have opened a/c with other names and posted what i have posted above as future evidence like mrjeremitrump, Andrewanampogolo, Vincentmalachiopande, dedanyangonialadabengurion, collinsonyalo3.brianmalachi . The prelude got to be a man to feel what am feel- em em em male superiority em em em sweet babe, tamusana.

Let liquid cash LC be eliminated as money can be printed as fake money, let money be online but the one that passes via pay-pal not-knowing the origin or source is eradicated as in the bible his origins every ruler will emanate. In a nutshell lets eradicate the pay-pal thing by talking to the company as it aids in dubious activities as far as money is concerned. The luo think they can overturn the USA govt by incorporating transforming people to fall and sink plane and ships respectively or to detonate grenade with chapalast in the barracks using some of their owns who are there in the military or just the Negros, hindu, Bangladesh, china, kikuyou etc and precisely thats why the even oppose writings and quotes in the internet even after you tell them to google. They think they will take internet and make everything in it theirs and they are rude out of that. Minute mind mm. G-bana women with release Barnabas as release is to set free then dont overstay in sex learn to release. He was women man as whomaniser- Malachi four- who to the people who long to see the lords day. Kugombana as to lament like king David they love, if you go to the net moses plant which  was named moses the prophet was there 100 years back so it indicated moses was there b4 not now. Stop stupidity, the plant is green and grows on moist rocks or wall. Mimi chali yako na-ninakupenda angalia moch angalia moch, pia nasikia unatombwa na wengine angalia magdalin, angalia magdalin and it goes on and on. Now they want you to draw close to them as if you are their spouses and in it kinda you must touch them like kids and you are forcing them to talks as if they got something better in store 4 the world. Sasa wanna repair hata gadets za UG na ghana na still wanna G-do na kujishow. Fuck that hommy!!! Jesus akwampi, worker parable, he had pier and was rude and kupinga vitu, had that blood, worker and vineyard parable to cement the truth. Illuminatea is killing the root of herod who took his brothers wife and liked to look at things. Root of herod Roh-o, chuny, chumvita they love. King of the jew, masikio if one got the hiv virus even yesterday if you eat groundnuts when you see them at a glance from far you fail to see or recognize the ear lobes meaning they got the virus and thats how it is realized in developed world. With condom bursting if it is put in direct sunlight even on roof-top just for an hour, women buy from the factory. Even shop-keepers can do that do you to burst, keep in room temperature and take liquor bottle insert one like on a penis and rub it vigorously back and forth to see if it burst to warn the people who sold it to you. When kept at room temperature it wont burst even when rubbed rigorously. Abaki, ayaki, yack one, mothiek the brown one finishes the aids virus. Christ was crucified to show people if he had sports or if he will transfigure at night from the cross like he did at the tomb in 3rd day. kugeuka, lokruok- lost coin parable. People shy from this coz people will think christ did exactly this dude. Tunachesha tu mchesho wa ngono na mpira, mimi na mochanda na magdalin pamoja, sindiyo moch? Mag anasema next sunday lolain pia atajoin ee mchesho tamu wa shex wa ngono. To go to usa or Uganda is my decision and i can still move if i go there to another sphere. You want where you will share my wealth in galatian 4-5, there the problem East africa can be incorporated still after my demise, international students and greencard with USA. They even lias with local police to smear with dust as a thief 4 me to be shot at or want to hack my mail to make it theirs after they kill me, i mean they are seeing anger ahead instead of cross-roads or bumps. Fence kericho or any other tea plantation like a national park to avert illegal tea plucking- king of the jew with Christ. Let KTDA recruit people and take the Kenyan tea to every supermarket of the developed world and sell like the 2 bob tea bag one dime to thwart illegal tea sold exorbitantly door to door. Let the recruited also stand next to the tea in those chain store for advice and demonstration. The massage twitted to me according to mr uhuru thwarting ruto in politic, onethough saying yake amemaliza na ruto hakumsaidia- Eunice saying ka-ng'aa maridore, where is easy bro!! New jerusalem NJ , jest is Algiers in aljeria not ulan bator as purpoted b4. G-sus, Glasy etc China wants to finish usa saying its their soya making their mind thin as the nigros or their good but the internet making me great and thats a false, its china goods which are cheap and got side effects alot. Wilo wich ww like the indian jets. Magira cars will use or eliminate battery completely if the magira is added by just pulled wire like the long time vehicles, to power like radio on the car when still the magira is connect to maybe a 20V dynamo to do that. Jesus, Herod and the Magi-cians, magikuyou. Well is call also be added or rolled using a motor to look modern and the choice is yours. How will i breath by Mario is figurative USA government to nelson monde as keys alicia told me Mr id/opande malachi. Container houses ch- is made with cowhoyo dung or many rubber piled together or jamvi as papyrus reeds as par in luo, you put many egg in side a net the kinda you throw the eggs up while still holding the net to fall down to break and if you know how to talk to the devil and boom theirs the houses. You hold well the 4 corners of the net as in malachi four- who to the people who longs to see the day of the lord. CGI 4 motor bike made using rats, panya etc. We will take their wives is 90% oil powered economies and Engineering countries like Germany, France, japan with no proper farming land when other poor nations learn to make the same i.e Uganda or Tanzania. Asian Tiget at, rat, bat, sat, mat, Net parable Nelson eliminating/eradicating tiger.

[bronzeflower]

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

-----

Chapter 9:  A Suit And Also Something About The Future

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose lalonde

TG: rose insert middle name here lalonde

TG: what is your middle name anyway

TG: i dont think ive ever learned it

TG: do you even have a middle name

TG: did you ever just make up a middle name for yourself

TG: like every time someone asked about it you just threw a random name that could possibly be your middle name at them

TG: one person asks and youre like yeah of fucking course i have a middle name its alexandria

TG: but then a completely different person asks and your middle name is suddenly irene

TG: or are you one of those people with like a bazillion different middle names

TG: rose

TG: answer me

TG: i know youre not idle because it hasnt given me that message that youre idle

TG: rooosse

TT: I do have a middle name.

TT: It’s Violet.

TG: what really

TT: Yes.

TT: Why were you being so persistent in attempting to contact me anyway?

TG: did kanaya tell you that i needed to be at rosemary today at two

TT: Yes, she did.

TT: …

TT: Oh.

TG: yeah

TG: i would have gone by myself but i had a feeling you would want to go see kanaya again

TT: I appreciate your consideration.

TT: Should I come pick you up or would you rather us meet up at the store?

TG: you should come pick me up

TG: its ten times easier than trying to get to the store at the same time

TT: Will do.

TT: I’ll be there soon.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

You wait around for a few minutes until Rose knocks on your door.

“How are you doing, my dear brother?”

“Rose, you messaged me like twenty minutes ago. You know damn well how I’m doing.”

“You make that sound as if something horrible is going on in your life. And here I am, remembering how you messaged me recently about going shopping with Karkat.”

“And we’re going now. Come on. We don’t have much time to lose. If we don’t get to the store soon, reality is going to cease to exist. I know this may sound bad, but it’s true, so we’re going to have to go off into space towards Venus. And by space I mean road and by Venus I mean Rosemary. If we don’t, then reality will come apart bit by bit. First, all the details of everything will start to fade, and we won’t even realize it at first because the fucking details are so goddamned tiny, and who even takes notice of them anyways? Then, shadows start fading away until everything looks 2D, but everything is still in 3D even if it doesn’t look like it. Afterwards, shitty jpeg artifacts will spring from the void, and this will keep on happening until our reality is indistinguishable from the void.”

“Perhaps I will get to meet Cthulhu. They do, after all, reside in the void.”

“I’m pretty sure that Cthulhu is the mightiest of all the fucking horrorterrors. You might have to meet each of the lesser horrorterrors, like, I don’t know, Fluthlu or something, before you even start to think about meeting Cthulhu.”

“Of course. How could I be so blind as to not be able to realize that it was required for me to meet every other horrorterror in nonexistence before I, a mere mortal, am able to even begin to comprehend Cthulhu’s power. However, I must say that it is appealing to meet Fluthlu and to hear his call, even if it means any joy I feel will be lost forever.”

“What the fuck? You mean Fluthlu is an actual thing? I was just making shit up.”

“Yes, Dave. Fluthlu is an actual thing, although he is the smallest and weakest of all the horrorterrors.”

“How big is he exactly?”

“Larger than the tallest skyscraper. If you wish, I can lend you the Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious so that you may get somewhat of a grasp of the monstrosities that reside in the furthest ring.”

“No, thank you. I am a okay over here where I am. I have absolutely no desire to subcom to the forces of the rulers of the void.”

“Maybe one day I’ll be able to be given orders from those from the furthest ring so that I may carry out their demands.”

“Jesus.”

“No. The opposite, really.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Like I said, I don’t believe Jesus has anything to do with submitting to the Gods of the Void.” Rose parked the car, and the two of you entered into Rosemary.

“I would very much appreciate it if you would stop licking the clothes. Right here is a sign that we put up just for you.”

“Karkat! You don’t have to talk like I don’t know you!”

“As much as I would love to use more colorful descriptions of why you should not lick the clothes, I would prefer to stay professional while I am at work.”

“Wait. Do I smell?” Terezi went towards you. “Is that you, Dave? I haven’t smelled your face in ages!”

“Holy shit, Rezi. I was wondering why this place had a sign that said not to lick the clothes. Have you been getting into a shit ton of trouble recently?”

“As a lawyer of my standing? Of course not! There would be hell to pay.” Terezi cackled. “Anyway, what is a cool kid like you doing here?”

“He’s here to get fitted for his suit.” Karkat answered for you. “Also, I think Kanaya and Rose have already gone back there, so go back there before they start doing things that none of us want to hear.”

“Will do.” You finger gun towards Karkat. “Sorry that I have to cut this meeting short, Rezi, but I don’t believe my ears can handle the sounds of two flighty broads going at it.”

“Apology accepted. I’ll just annoy Karkat some more.”

“No, you won’t.” Karkat interrupted. “Because you literally just had an appointment, and you should therefore be leaving now unless you are able to behave yourself in this establishment.”

“Wow, way to sound like a mom, Karkat.”

“Just…” Karkat rubbed at his eyes with one hand. “Go get your fitting done, Dave. And, Terezi, don’t lick the clothes. We have gone over this one hundred times.”

“One hundred and three, actually. Specific numbers are important in court.”

You go to the back to get your fitting done, despite wanting to see how the conversation would play out.

When you got to the back room, Kanaya and Rose were giggling about something or other, but, when they noticed that you were there, Rose gave Kanaya a smile and left the room, presumably to look around the shop. That left you with Kanaya by yourself.

"While I do love spending time with Rose, I feel as if it would be unprofessional to constantly be distracted by my girlfriend while doing my work, so I requested that she go look around the store while I do your fitting." Kanaya got out a bunch of stuff and asked if you would try on the suit she made.

You put on the suit, and she began to busy herself with making marks and holding the fabric aside to see if it would fit you better if it was like this or like that.

"So, how have you been doing, Dave?"

"Oh, you know. Same old, same old. I'm still doing videos on Grubtube if you were wondering. That hasn't stopped being a thing. I actually got a huge spike in viewers after I reviewed Karkat's rant, so I suppose I have that to thank him for. He'd probably be horrified though. Might spur him on to make yet another scathing rant."

"I'm sure it would be just as amusing as the first rant he wrote."

"That's a guarantee. I don't think I've ever met anyone as creative with words as he is. Does he do any writing? He should. He would probably be really good at it."

"He does dabble in writing." Kanaya said. "Although, I believe I may be understating it. He does a bit more than just dabble in writing. It's similar to a second job for him, except that he's more passionate about writing than he is about his job here, even if I do everything I can to make sure that Karkat enjoys his job here."

"That's nice of you. There are so many business owners who take advantage of all the poor kids who need money so badly that they are willing to work a shitty job for minimum wage and attempt to live off of that."

"Yes. It is really awful. I do pay Karkat and my other employees a living wage, and I give them various job benefits."

"Sounds like a fucking dream job."

"For some, it is. It isn't the case for Karkat, however. He simply works here because he needs to money, as he hasn't exactly gotten much in terms of royalties for his writing."

"What does he write, anyway? Has he published anything?" You ask.

"He mostly writes romance novels. I assume he has already informed you of his interest in romance?"

"Oh, yeah. He only talks my ears off about how these two's relationship in this novel is absolute shit, and that guy should not be within one hundred feet of the other person, and that it's a mutually unhealthy relationship, and they should really just break it off now."

"I'll take that as a yes then. As for if he's published anything, he has published a few short stories, but he has yet to feel satisfied enough with the novel he's working on to publish it. It's actually kind of a shame, since it is a phenomenal story."

"What's his story about?"

"I think Karkat explains it better than I do, so you might want to ask him. Afterall, it is his story. It's possible he'll even let you read it, but try not to get your hopes up."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Alright, I've finished. You can change back into your normal clothes. And do you mind giving me your contact information? I'm afraid I forgot to ask you when you were last here."

"No problem."

You got out of the suit in order to put on your regular clothes before trading chumhandles with Kanaya.

"Thank you. I'm going to talk to Rose for a bit about the suit, so you can go out there and roam around the store or talk to Karkat about his novel."

"Alright. Should I get Rose for you?"

"That would be greatly appreciated."

You leave the room to go find Rose, who you find quickly.

"Yo, Rose. Your girlfriend wants to talk to you about the suit or something in the back."

"Alright."

Rose left, and you glanced around the store a bit before making your way towards Karkat.

"So, Karkat, I heard you like writing. That's pretty cool."

"Yeah. I don't think you would be very interested in what I write though. It's mostly romance."

"What, no. If I wasn't interested, why the flying fuck would I be asking about it? I may seem like a complete insufferable prick, but I do actually have a heart that is capable of appreciating a well-written romance. I've gotta have my emotional fix of romantic content every once in awhile instead of rejecting any semblance of such a thing because some people don't like it when boys enjoy romantic things. It's like, jeez. Why can't a guy just be given flowers for once? It's not hurting anyone for a guy to love and appreciate his significant other showering him with love and affection."

Karkat smiled and chuckled.

"It sounds like you're not as much of a douchmuffin when it comes to romance as I first thought."

It takes you a moment to respond because Karkat smiling at you caught you off guard.

"Oh, yeah, I guess not." You finally manage to scrounge up the words to respond to him. "So, anyway, Kanaya mentioned you were writing a novel. What's it about?"

"Well, like I said, it's a romance, so, of course, you have to have the main character and their love interest. But there isn't really much actual conflict in the book. It's mostly just about two guys who become friends and eventually get together to have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship." Karkat sounds like he's holding back, but there's this soft passion in his eyes that make you want to ask him more about his novel.

However, before you can do so, Rose comes out of the back.

"Are you ready to go, Dave?" Rose asked.

"I guess so. Hey, Karkat. Tell me more about your novel over pesterchum, alright? It sounds really interesting."

"Okay." Karkat looked kind of dumbstruck, but you were already being dragged out of the store by Rose.

"What's the rush?" You ask when the two of you make it to the car.

"I just learned that Kanaya's birthday is coming up." Rose had a grave look on her face. "I don't have any idea what to get her."

"Maybe you could try getting her something simple but heartfelt." You suggest.

"How can I just get her something simple when she's so..." She paused and stumbled over her words like a highschool girl with a crush. "Beautiful? Intelligent? Deserving of an amazing gift because she has blessed the world with her existence?"

"Okay, that's fair, but I don't think you have to worry about it so much if that's how you feel about her. Kanaya will probably love whatever you get her. If you don't believe me, I can give you Karkat's Trollhandle so that you can contact him. He would know better than anyone other than Kanaya if she would like a certain gift or not."

"I guess that would be a simpler solution. What's his handle?"

"CarcinoGeneticist. I could write it down if I had some paper and pen, but I guess I can just do that real quick when we get to my place."

"I would be grateful for that."

"Sure, anytime. But I still think that, no matter what you get Kanaya, she will love it. Speaking of her birthday though, I should probably get something for her. Huh. It occurs to me now that I don't actually know her that well since I don't talk to her that often. Then again, I could always just contact her when I get home because I got her Trollhandle while at the store. That is, if she doesn't contact me first to talk about when she should be able to get my suit done. Wait, wait, I won't be able to contact her once I get home because she'll be at work, so I would have to wait a while. And I can't talk to Karkat immediately because he is also at work. Well, shit. Guess I'll just have to play the waiting game."

"I guess you will. What were talking about with Karkat? I didn't get to talk to him much while I was out there because he was speaking to Terezi, who I know about as well as you know Kanaya."

"We started talking about a novel he was working on. It's a romance novel, but I didn't really get to learn much about it, but Karkat looked like he wanted to say a lot more about it, but he didn't, which is kind of sad because I really wanted to know more about it. Obviously because I want to be a good friend and shitty friends don't listen to their friends when they talk about shit they love."

"Of course not. Anyway, we're at your place now, so could you grab a piece of paper and pen in order to write down Karkat's Troll handle."

"Sure thing, Lalonde." You quickly go inside your house and write down carcinoGeneisist on a piece of paper before giving it to Rose.

"Thank you."

"No prob, Bob."

"Please never say that again." Rose requested.

"Righty tighty, sounds alrighty." You finger gun at her and leave before she can tell you off for saying that, if the disgusted look on her face is anything to go by.

You were now at home. What to do.

Pester your friends, of course. You haven't talked to your best buddy in a while.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: yo egbert are you there

EB: yeah i'm here.

EB: what do you want to talk about?

TG: i dont know man a guy cant just pester his best friend for no good reason at all

EB: well, i guess he can!

EB: but you usually have something in mind to talk about when you pester me.

TG: i guess a conversation usually does require a topic to talk about to actually have some kind of conversation

TG: but there are plenty of conversations that take place in this world that are absolute bullshit and nothing ever gets done or said

TG: but seriously

TG: we havent talked in a while

TG: hows it going

EB: it's going pretty good!

EB: i'm getting more popular, and i think some of my jokes have become a meme?

EB: i can't remember which ones off the top of my head, but some people are beating a dead horse.

EB: like, i get it, my jokes are funny, but is it really necessary to repeat them until even the mention of a single word from it sets off laughter from anyone who hears it?

TG: it is most certainly necessary

TG: thats how memes live

TG: and that is how they die

TG: it is the way of the meme

TG: youve gotta get to the point where an outsider looking in wont be able to decipher all the fucking nonsense coming from the internets

TG: even people who know the meme inside and out will have to stare at the meme for a bit of time before they finally understand

TG: the meme will die when the people say it dies

TG: but the meme will live on forever in peoples hearts

EB: that sounds excessive.

TG: the world is excessive john

EB: that doesn't even make sense.

TG: listen

TG: the world is big

TG: its got so many fucking things in it

TG: people plants animals and a shit ton of other things

TG: they all live on this one planet with the sun shining bright in the daytime and the moon hung overhead threatening to destroy us at night

TG: All these things that our big ass planet has

TG: but there are planets that are so much fucking larger than our planet

TG: and they have a bunch of shit on them as well

TG: and then there are stars bigger than our sun

TG: and they have a bunch of shit in them

TG: and our universe expands and retracts like its some kind of giant frog idk

TG: the universe is excessive

TG: the world is excessive

TG: our entire existence is excessive

TG: all is excessive

EB: okaaaaaaaay........

TG: you may not accept it but it is the full truth

TG: anyway

TG: is there anything else interesting that is happening in your live currently

EB: well, there is this one thing that keeps happening to me

TG: lay it on me

EB: recently, there has been this one person who's been coming to a lot of my shows, but all they do is boo whatever i say.

EB: it makes people laugh, so i don't usually pay it that much attention, but it's been the exact same person every time.

EB: it's starting to get pretty annoying.

TG: obviously what you gotta is retaliate somehow

TG: like come up with a gold star quality comedy act about how they come to every fuckin thing you do and just boo you

TG: thats some comedy gold all by itself dude

EB: i've thought of that, but wouldn't that be kind of mean?

EB: what if the person doesn't want that kind of attention?

TG: dude if they have been to so many of your acts only to boo you every time you say something funny then they are clearly after attention

TG: it all depends on where you want this to go

TG: if you want to feed them then you can go ahead and feed them

TG: but you also have the choice to just leave them alone

TG: nothing is stopping you from doing whatever you want to do

EB: i guess?

EB: maybe i'll just leave it alone for now.

EB: they might stop if i ignore them for long enough, right?

TG: probably

TG: but i hope you realize that the trope of ignoring a bully will make them stop bullying only works if you really dont actually care

TG: the main question here is how do you feel about this person booing you at your comedy acts

EB: it's mostly just annoying.

EB: like, yeah, they boo pretty often, but, at the same time, they're cackling like my joke was the funniest thing they've ever heard in their life.

EB: at this point, it's kind of enduring.

TG: well shit

TG: if thats how you feel then you should definitely do a comedy act based on their cackling at your joke while also booing at your joke

EB: i'll think about it.

EB: enough about me though.

EB: how have you been doing?

EB: i've just been talking about myself this entire time.

TG: mostly ive just been kind of doing the usual

TG: but rose recently forced me to go get a custom suit from this place

TG: and i met this guy there that i became friends with

TG: and rose started dating the lady who owned the place

EB: how long ago did this happen???

TG: well it happened within the span of about two weeks maybe more because rose had been talking to the owner before i went there

TG: but they started dating within that two week time period

EB: i feel like i should have been informed of this sooner.

EB: i have to tell rose that i'm happy for her!

TG: she probably would have told you herself at some point

TG: no need to get any sort of backwater information from her twin

EB: still...

EB: but aside from that, what's your friend's name?

EB: and what's he like?

TG: his name is karkat and hes pretty angry but hes nice when you get to know him and he likes romcoms

EB: you know karkat????

TG: you know karkat?????

EB: of course i know karkat!

EB: he sent me a long rant about how my jokes were dumb and idiotic, but they still made him laugh for some reason.

TG: what a coincidence

TG: he sent me a long rant about how pointless and confusing my channel is

EB: ...

EB: is this just a thing he does?

TG: i honestly have no idea

TG: i have not heard anything about him sending long ass rants to people other than me or you but who really knows

TG: what made you contact him

EB: he seemed kind of funny, so i just emailed him back, and we eventually traded chumhandles.

EB: what about you?

TG: so remember how i said i met him at the store rose dragged me to

EB: yeah?

TG: i didnt know he was the one who made the rant at the time and i may have ended up giving him my chumhandle

EB: you didn't know he wrote the rant when you gave him your chumhandle?

EB: how did you not recognize the tone almost immediately?

TG: he was at work and being all professional and shit

TG: it wasnt until later when he contacted me that i found out

TG: apparently he originally got my chumhandle from tz but didnt contact me because he thought i was a douche

TG: but he changed his mind when he met me in real life

EB: you're as much of a douche in real life as you are on the internet.

EB: which is to say, you're a huge dork, and there's nothing you can do about it.

EB: but your first impressions do tend to make you seem like a prick.

EB: no offense!

TG: none taken

EB: so why would he not think you were as much of douche as he thought you were?

EB: you only don't act like a douche for first impressions unless it's someone you find attractive.

EB: wait.

EB: oh.

EB: dave, did you flirt with karkat????????

TG: what no

TG: maybe

TG: there is a possibility that a little bit of flirting was done

TG: but shhh

TG: no one can know

EB: we all know you have feelings, dave.

TG: shit my secret has been found out

TG: whatever am i going to do

EB: maybe you'll have to stage your death.

EB: the shittiest death you can possibly think of.

TG: oh shit what would be the shittiest death

TG: like what is the most idiotic way to die that you can think of

EB: i don't know.

EB: i think once a guy died because he was trying to find wi fi, but he ended up falling off a building.

TG: ouch

TG: that was way shittier than what i was thinking of

TG: and i wasnt even thinking of real people that actually died in stupid ways

TG: i have been blind to the possibilities

EB: clearly!

TG: no need to get smart with me egbert

TG: i was merely over here thinking about how fucking dumb it would be if i died by dogs

TG: like two dogs manage to ahold of a knife or something

TG: and they start stabbing me in the ankle or the leg

TG: i guess it would depend on how big the dogs were

TG: if they were big dogs it would be a little less stupid

TG: but can you imagine how goddamned idiotic it would be if i were to die by little itty bitty dogs like fucking chihuahuas or some shit

TG: it would be so fucking stupid

TG: cause i would be over here giving them love and affection

TG: and then they stab me in the leg

TG: and i would be like awww

TG: youre trying to stab me you little cutie

TG: and then i would die

TG: because i was being an idiot who didnt realize that i should not trust any lifeform with a knife

EB: chihuahuas are pretty angry though.

TG: youre right they are

TG: big dogs are so goddamned sweet

TG: like jades dog

TG: hes just big and fluffy and friendly

TG: everytime i visit her i just get a face full of slobber

TG: bec looking so goddamned happy to see me

TG: dogs really are the good in the world

TG: and roses cat hates me

TG: well he doesnt really hate me

TG: he just

TG: ignores and avoids me as much as possible

TG: i have no idea why

TG: he could at least be clawing at my face

TG: pretty sure i smell like birds and dead shit half the time

EB: why would you smell like birds?

TG: dude

TG: have you seen how crows just fucking flock to me

EB: not really.

EB: then again, we don't really hang out that much in real life.

TG: shit youre right

TG: the next time you come around here we have got to hang out and catch up

TG: anyone who sees us will be jealous that they dont have a bro as great as you

EB: no.

EB: anyone who sees us will be jealous that they dont have a bro as great as YOU!

TG: bro

EB: bro.

TG: youre the best bro any bro could ever ask for

EB: come here, bro.

EB: i'm going in for the rare bro hug.

EB: we're doing this man.

EB: we're making this happen.

TG: john while i appreciate the gesture that meme is about seventeen thousand seven hundred seven six years old

EB: it's not that old!

EB: i mean, it is pretty old, but it's not that old.

TG: i made that joke when i was thirteen john

TG: thirteen

TG: its time to retire the meme

TG: how did you even become a world famous comedian if you dont know when to retire a meme

EB: it's because i started the memes, dave

TG: shit youre right

TG: how could i ever forget the impact you have had on the meme industry

TG: and yet here you are

TG: reusing memes that are what

TG: like fifteen years old at least

TG: and its a meme that i started

TG: and is only limited to our friend group that is made up of like four people

EB: we have a larger friend group than just four people!

TG: not when we were thirteen we didnt

TG: we just kind of messaged each other because we were lonely kids who didnt really have any friends

TG: thank god we actually managed to become adults

TG: its a fucking miracle

TG: and now we are just living our lives and talking to new people and having an okay time

TG: so all i can think of now is just

TG: thank god we lived

EB: ...

TG: ...

TG: well this got weirdly personal really quickly

TG: i think its time to terminate this conversation before it gets any more reminiscent of things that may or may not have happened in the past

TG: i might talk to jade about how her plants are doing or something

EB: we should really contact each other more often.

EB: so, don't be a stranger, dave!

TG: of course not

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

TG: yo jade

TG: how are your plants doing

TG: what stuff do you even grow during the fall

TG: like pumpkins and shit

TG: or does it even matter where you live

GG: hey dave!

GG: im pretty sure it does actually matter now, especially since i dont live on a tropical island anymore

TG: oh yeah

TG: i almost forgot about that

TG: how is society treating you

GG: i dont know how you forgot when ive been living in society for around ten years, if not more

GG: <_<

GG: as for how my plants are doing, theyre doing well!

GG: ive been growing some cauliflower and broccoli

GG: im looking forward to being able to eat them!

GG: and possibly sell a few since people seem to love freshly grown vegetables

TG: sounds fantastic

TG: people must be clamoring to get even a single taste of the famous homegrown vegetables made by the one and only jade harley

TG: youve become internet famous what would you like to say to your fans ms harley

GG: as much as i would love to give my vegetables to everyone, i only have so many

GG: and i also want to keep some of them :p

TG: there you have it folks

TG: not all of you will get the freshly grown vegetables youve been waiting for

TG: better luck next year

TG: or next season

TG: or whatever time you decide to grow more vegetables

TG: or they can grow their own or something like that

TG: who really knows tho

TG: maybe they have the worst green thumb known to man

TG: like the last time they tried gardening they ended up burning the house down

TG: nobody is actually sure how that happened

TG: but goddamn if it didnt happen

GG: i think someone burning their garden down would be unlikely :/

TG: and yet it happened

TG: it could totally happen

TG: maybe they were misinformed on how to properly take care of plants

TG: like they were told they had to set fire to the plants to give them nutrients

TG: or they came from an alternate reality where people had to give fire to plants instead of water

TG: so just imagine a person waking up and going up to fire up their plants only to find that destroys them

TG: they would be so confused and probably super terrified

GG: i kind of feel bad for them, since they probably spent so long taking care of their plants, and then their garden goes up in flames because they woke up in an alternate reality

GG: :(

GG: its just so sad!

TG: yeah it is super sad

TG: but afterwards they probably figure out that they woke up in an alternate reality

TG: and then they either try to go back or figure out how to take care of plants in the new universe they woke up in

GG: :)

TG: can you imagine the person in the other world

TG: they get up to water their plants

TG: only to find that kills the plants there

TG: maybe the two of them communicate with each other

TG: it would be super fucking awesome if someone were to build a machine that enables us to talk to people from other dimensions

GG: that would be pretty awesome!

GG: but what if the person from the dimension you were talking to was evil!

GG: do you think they could find a way to our dimensions

TG: they might

TG: that is if one of the other dimensions doesnt do it first

TG: there are probably plenty of other dimensions that would be able to figure out a way to the other dimensions

TG: it could be like a constant throughout dimensions that humans want to figure out as much shit as possible

GG: it would be boring if we suddenly just decided to stop learning things about our world!

TG: it would be

TG: that reminds me

TG: are you doing anything with your sciency job

TG: hows that going

GG: its going really well!

GG: we are currently trying to make an artificial intelligence for cars

GG: weve run into a few bugs but we are working on them

GG: we are also trying to make them environmentally friendly!

TG: thats super cool

TG: youre super cool

GG: thanks!

GG: how have you been doing?

GG: done anything interesting?

GG: met anyone new?

TG: shit did rose tell you

GG: maybe

GG: but she didnt tell me that much

GG: she didnt even tell me the persons name

TG: okay so yeah i did meet someone new

TG: hes small and angry but also really nice

TG: his name is karkat

GG: i know karkat!

TG: shit does everyone know karkat????

GG: i guess :/

TG: jesus christ like rose was the one who introduced him to me

TG: and then john knew him

TG: and you did too

TG: am i really the last person to know of his existence???

TG: i feel cheated honestly

TG: that yall would neglect to tell me about such a fantastic and angry individual

TG: people always say that opposites attract

TG: well im super chill and hes super angry its like we were meant to be

TG: ...

TG: that was not supposed to sound the way it did

TG: i meant like platonically

TG: platonically meant to be

TG: no homo

TG: except maybe a little cause im bi as heck

GG: alright cool kid we get it

GG: youre at least a little bit gay for karkat

TG: well yeah if youre not at least a little bit gay for your friend than what kind of friend are you

GG: im not sure if it works like that

TG: okay so maybe it doesnt but still

TG: gotta put so many layers of irony between me and myself that the moment it all goes down im just a blob of a human being

TG: like if you dont have a skeleton

TG: just laying there in a pile of your own sweat and blood and skin

GG: thats super gross!

TG: thats just the facts jade

TG: you wouldnt be able to have any sort of structure if you didnt have a skeleton

TG: shit be one of the most important parts of the body

TG: wait which body part is the most important

GG: i think the heart or the brain seems the most likely!

TG: youre probably right

TG: but the question here is whether the heart or the brain is more important

GG: im not sure really

GG: contrary to popular belief, i dont actually know that much about the human body!

GG: which is why i work with robots instead

TG: and i only know about random historical dead shit

TG: like archeology shit

TG: which reminds me that i havent talked to ara in probably a few months

GG: who was ara again?

TG: shes was one of my friends in college who actually became an archeologist

TG: although to be fair the only reason i havent talked to her for so long is because she does not have much free time

TG: spends all her time digging shit up and figuring out what it was for

TG: kicking sexist and homophobic assholes to the curb with her superior knowledge that people were still gay and shit thirteen thousand and four years ago

GG: oh yeah!

GG: i think i remember her

GG: we didnt really talk much :(

TG: huh

TG: i thought you two would have hit it off really well

GG: i think it was more due to our respective schedules than any sort of apprehension of talking to each other

TG: oh yeah

TG: you two were both super intense when it came to your major

TG: like more so than most other people

GG: i would say we were passionate :p

TG: well that was definitely clear as a cloudless day

TG: like clear as when you go to a super fucking remote area where there isnt any light for miles and miles and miles

TG: clear as the motherfucking night sky in that particular area

TG: but yall were also a bit obsessive

GG: i wouldnt say that!

TG: you forgot to eat and sleep for an entire day because you were working on a project that you were passionate about

GG: ...

GG: i have finger reminders now!

GG: i havent forgotten to eat in a while now!

TG: it is amazing that you came up with a system to remind yourself of things

TG: and that it actually works

TG: i tried it once and i forgot what the pink ribbon on my right pinkie finger first notch meant

TG: you practically made a language out of bits of colorful string and ribbons on your fingers

TG: though it is kind of odd that you didnt put the reminders to eat and sleep on sooner

GG: i had better things to worry about

TG: jade

GG: dave

TG: jade

GG: cool kid

TG: you had better things to worry about than completing an action that would kill you if you did not do it

GG: having a body is inconvenient most of the time

GG: the only things it is good for is petting dogs and making robots

TG: that is fair

TG: but consider that there is no way out of your flesh prison so you need to take care of it so that you can pet more dogs and make more robots

GG: hmmmm

GG: i think you might be right

TG: you think

GG: yes!

GG: i do, in fact, think, dave

GG: its kind of a thing we humans do

TG: what is this human you speak of

TG: i never heard of such a thing

TG: is it a disease

TG: should i be worried

GG: no, no, silly!

GG: humans are a sentient life form capable of communicating with each other in complex ways

GG: they are typically characterized by their determination to improve themselves and their environment

TG: sounds terrifying

GG: yeah :/

TG: do you have anything on this planet that is not scary

GG: dogs!!!

GG: we have dogs!!

TG: and what are dogs like

GG: they are friendly and good!!!

GG: they are also fluffy and you can pet them!!!

GG: and you can play with them!!

TG: sounds like my kind of thing where do i sign up

GG: you can adopt whatever dog you like at the pet store or an animal shelter

GG: make sure you can take care of them though!!!

GG: if you dont take care of your pet, i will personally come to your house and shoot you with my rifle!!

TG: ill be sure to keep that in mind

TG: anyway do you want aras chumhandle

TG: or troll handle

TG: god all these different compatible platforms are confusing

GG: they are a bit confusing :/

GG: i think jane still uses betty bother!!

TG: what really

TG: that shitty thing

GG: yep

GG: but yes i would like aras troll handle

TG: it is apocalypsearisen

TG: so you can go contact her now if you want

GG: ill be sure to do that!

GG: thank you!!

GG: im going to go do that now

GG: see ya!!

TG: bye

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well shit. If Jade was pestering Aradia now, then that means that you can't contact her right now. Unless Aradia decides to talk to you at the same time as Jade, but that's just annoying for everyone involved. Besides, someone else was pestering you right now. Er, trolling.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GC: WH4T'S UP COOL K1D

GC: 1 H34RD YOU HUNG OUT W1TH K4RKL3S TH3 OTH3R D4Y

GC: HOW W4S MY GRUMPY FR13ND??

TG: how did you find out about me hanging out with karkat

GC: D4V3

GC: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW TH4T 1 H4V3 4 V4ST N3TWORK OF P3OPL3 TO G4TH3R 1NFORM4T1ON FROM

GC: 1 KNOW 3V3RYON3 4S W3LL 4S HOW L1K3LY TH3Y 4R3 TO B3 GU1LTY FOR 4 CR1M3

TG: oh yeah

TG: right

TG: thats not creepy at all

GC: 1'M 4 L4WY3R D4V3

GC: 1T 1S MY JOB TO F1ND OUT 1F MY CL13NT 1S GU1LTY OR NOT

GC: 4ND 1F TH3Y 4R3NT 1 M4K3 SUR3 TH3Y DONT G3T PUN1SH3D FOR SOM3TH1NG TH3Y D1D NOT DO

TG: good business practice

TG: wait question

TG: i feel like i might have asked you this before but here it goes anyway

TG: how do you know karkat

GC: K4RK4T 4ND 1 4R3 CH1LDHOOD FR13NDS

TG: oh shit

TG: never would have guessed that

TG: you two just seem so different that it never even occurred to me that you would hang out with each other

GC: H3 3V3N H4D 4 CRUSH ON M3 1N M1DDL3 SCHOOL

GC: 1T W4S JUST 4S 4WKW4RD 4S 1T SOUNDS

GC: MOSTLY B3C4US3 1 D1DNT F33L TH3 S4M3 W4Y

GC: 4LSO B3C4US3

TG: because what

GC: C4N YOU K33P 4 S3CR3T??

TG: of course i can keep a goddamned secret who the fuck do you think i am

TG: someone who says every single thought that comes to their head regardless of how private that thought is

TG: dont answer that

TG: but yeah i can probably keep any secret you tell me

TG: lay it on me

GC: 4LR1GHT SO YOU KNOW HOW TROLLS H4V3 4 D1FF3R3NT ROM4NC3 SYST3M TH4N HUM4NS

TG: yeah

TG: yall got like quadrants and shit

TG: entirely too complicated if you ask me but whatever

TG: continue

GC: W3LL K4RK4T N3V3R F3LT TH3 NORM4L 3MOT1ONS 4SSOC14T3D W1TH TROLL ROM4NC3

GC: H3 V4C1LL4T3D L1K3 CR4ZY

GC: WH1CH M4D3 1T V3RY D1FF1CULT FOR H1M TO HOLD DOWN 4NY CONCUP1SC3NT QU4DR4NT

GC: DON’T T3LL H1M 1 TOLD YOU TH1S

GC: H3’S V3RY S3NS1T1V3 4BOUT 1T

TG: i can see why

TG: he really fucking loves those romance novels doesnt he

GC: Y34H

TG: …

GC: …

TG: …

GC: …

GC: W3LL 4NYW4Y TH4T W4S 4 FUN CONV3RS4T1ON BUT 1 N33D TO GO NOW

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well, that conversation got really serious really quickly. You can’t remember the last time you had a even the slightest it serious talk with Terezi. Maybe this was the first. Does that mean that you two aren’t as close friends as you thought you were, or are you two simply content with sending each other shitty memes and joking around?

Reasonably thinking, it was the latter, and you are just overthinking this entire thing, but neither of you really knew how to react when you two reached a topic that you couldn’t really brush off or joke about.

Should you talk to her about it? Would she be comfortable with that? Would she rather you just be that friend that she can be silly with? Would it be awkward to bring it up?

And what about you? How do you even feel about this? You’re kind of torn between wanting to be silly friends with Terezi and wanting to know how she is in actuality. Which, you guess, is basically the definition of being close friends with somebody, but you don’t know if it breaks any troll bro codes.

You were interrupted from your thoughts when your computer dinged, signaling that someone was contacting you.

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

AA: hello dave!

AA: its been a while

AA: jade told me that you wanted to contact me so here i am!

TG: that was nice of her

TG: how did your conversation with her go

AA: it was nice

AA: i look forward to speaking with her in the future

TG: thats cool

TG: how have you been doing

TG: with your job and all

TG: are you still up to your tits in shit to do

AA: of course

AA: thats kind of what i signed up for when i got the job

AA: i even direct expeditions occasionally!!!

AA: its really hard work but it is very rewarding

TG: well im glad youre wherever doing and enjoying your job

AA: what about you

AA: surely you got some sort of job

AA: even if it isnt the job you had in mind when you got your degree

TG: yeah i do have some sort of job

TG: i make grubtube videos

TG: and do commission work on the side

TG: some of it is actually good while others ask for ironically shitty things

TG: being able to draw both good and shitty things is a skill not many can appreciate

AA: thats simultaneously something i would not have expected and something that was bound to happen

AA: i hope that you get enough money to live off of from doing that

TG: oh yeah i make plenty of money

TG: especially since my channel got really popular because one of my videos became a meme

AA: oh!

AA: well thats good

AA: which video was it if you dont mind me asking

AA: not that i know what your channel is

TG: my channels name is cogsinthegodshead

TG: and the video that became popular was one where i review a large rant that someone sent me

TG: ...

TG: ara??

TG: you still there???

AA: oh yes

AA: i just took a minute to look up your video

AA: it is amusing and reminds me of a certain friend i used to have

AA: but i havent actually talked to him in years

AA: i wonder if he still thinks im dead

TG: what

TG: what do you mean if he still thinks youre dead

TG: did you like fake your death or something???

AA: its an inside joke we used to have

AA: about me doing things that would have more likely than not ended with my death

AA: i used to be very reckless you know!

AA: :D

TG: how could you have been so reckless that you had an inside joke about you dying

AA: i was very reckless

TG: i got that

TG: jesus

TG: what was your friend even like

AA: he was a very angry person!

AA: he was always shouting

AA: but it was more shouting at us to take care of ourselves rather than anything with malice

AA: like he would yell at us to get more sleep and to eat something

AA: he was probably one of the more well adjusted people in our friend group

TG: okay one more question

AA: shoot

TG: what was his name

AA: his name was karkat

TG: goddamn it

TG: i knew it

TG: how come everyone i know knew karkat before i ever did

TG: like im just today finding out that a bunch of my friends are friends with karkat

TG: and now you

TG: i havent even talked to you in a few months and yet

TG: here we are

TG: apparently you were also friends with karkat

TG: were you childhood friends with him like terezi was????

AA: yes but terezi knew him since kindergarten

AA: i didnt meet him until middle school

TG: shit they knew each other since kindergarden????

AA: they did

TG: holy shit

TG: thats a long ass time

TG: you know theyre still friends right

TG: like they still talk to each other and all that jazz

AA: thats certainly surprising!

AA: i havent talked to either of them in years

AA: in fact i never kept contact with any of our old friend group except for sollux

TG: whos sollux

AA: hes my matesprit!

AA: he also is one of karkats current friends

AA: at least from what i hear

AA: apparently they still talk occasionally

TG: huh

TG: i guess it would make sense that i havent heard of him if they dont talk that much

AA: they dont talk that much now but they used to be best friends

AA: i assumed they grew apart slowly so now they dont talk that often

AA: maybe i should encourage them to spend more time with each other

TG: wait

TG: are you and sollux in a long distance relationship

AA: i guess you could say that

AA: my job requires me to travel quite a bit so i dont often stay in one place

AA: sollux on the other hand prefers to stay in one place even if he could do his job while traveling

AA: he works from home

AA: kind of like you do!

TG: what kind of work does he do

AA: he does programming and i believe he is currently working on a game

AA: he doesnt want to share the details of it with me

TG: well why not

AA: he told me it was a surprise

TG: that seems suspicious

AA: it certainly does

TG: what are you going to do about

AA: i could wait but

TG: but what

AA: nevermind

AA: it wasnt really a very good idea

AA: especially since he has explained to me why hes keeping the details a secret

TG: shit why

AA: (its supposed to be a surprise for me)

AA: (i think he knows that i would try to find out what it was if he didnt tell me at least that)

TG: (oh shit)

TG: (what do you think it is)

AA: (i dont know)

AA: (i just know that it is for me)

TG: (aside from that)

TG: (why are we putting our text into parenthesis)

AA: it was supposed to be a visual way to show whispering

TG: thats a pretty good way to whisper

TG: ive got to use that in future conversations with people

TG: make sure that any secret is kept safe inside the parenthesis of void

TG: that way nobody can figure out what information is being kept inside them

AA: why void

TG: because void is like emptiness or some shit

TG: and it can hide information apparently???

TG: i honestly dont really know i just remember my older sister talking about it

TG: she was kind of rambling on about void or whatever

TG: rambling seems to run in the family who would have guessed

TG: surely not every goddamned person to ever speak to a strider or a lalonde

TG: rose wont admit it but she rambles on pretty often

TG: its just more intelligent sounding than everyone elses rambles

TG: except for dirk

TG: dirks rambling sounds pretty sciency and shit

TG: apparently he works with robots like jade does

TG: but instead of working on the ai and actual programming of the robots

TG: he does the actual building of the robots

TG: he might do some programming tho

TG: like occasionally

AA: thats pretty interesting!

AA: i dont know the people you mentioned though

TG: ok so quick rundown

TG: rose is my twin

TG: dirk is my older brother

TG: jade is a good friend of mine

TG: they are all super smart and do a bunch of smarty pants things

AA: it sounds like you are proud of them!

TG: hella

TG: i mean sometimes i think about how i could have probably done something like that

TG: but its just not something i wanted to do

TG: you feel??

TG: like its just not something i could see myself spending my entire life on

AA: you dont have to you know

TG: what

AA: you dont have to do one thing for your entire life

AA: you can do a bunch of different things

AA: you have so much of your lifespan left and not everyone wants to do the same thing over and over again for years at a time

AA: you can shake it up

AA: so maybe one day you could decide to dabble in some programming or writing

AA: if you decide you dont like it you dont have to keep doing it

AA: i probably sound a bit hypocritical since i have dedicated so much to my passion which im sure i will want to keep doing for my life

AA: but i recognize that its not the same with everyone

TG: ...

TG: huh

TG: i guess i never really thought of it like that

TG: we get told so much that we need to do one thing with our life

TG: and we are expected to be satisfied with that

TG: i just never really thought about it

TG: being middle aged seems like a muddle of a lack of planning

TG: its difficult to imagine myself at that age

TG: maybe

TG: ill be a museum curator

TG: and ill look at artifacts and write little blurbs of information on each one that no one is going to read

TG: and ill lead tours around the museum

TG: and ill answer little kids questions no matter how ridiculous they are

TG: like asking if dinosaurs were made of stardust

TG: and id be like fuck yes little jimmy

TG: dinosaurs were made of stardust

TG: and so are you

TG: ...

TG: or maybe ill continue doing my youtube channel

AA: it sounds like you put a lot of thought into being a museum curator

TG: i guess i did

TG: maybe its not too late to do something like that

AA: of course not!

AA: but you have to make sure to go after the things you want

AA: if you dont you mind find yourself at your deathbed regretting not doing something

TG: i guess youre right

TG: ...

TG: thank you i guess

TG: for the advice and the conversation

AA: its really no problem

AA: we should talk more

TG: we definitely should

TG: just like contact me if you are ever free and feel like talking to somebody

AA: ill be sure to do that!

AA: it was nice talking to you too

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Whew. That conversation was exhausting, but also kind of nice? You just feel worn out now, and you also realize that it's getting pretty late, so you decide to go to sleep. It was probably one of the best sleeps you've ever had.

#homestuck #davekat #dave strider #karkat vantas #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #rosemary #kanrose #jade harley #john egbert #terezi pyrope #aradia megido #aradave #johnrezi

[renwritesstuff]

The Interview (work in progress)

Posted with permission from @fishbone76​, this is the start of a gift/trade fic I’m writing for her in exchange for my new rad Shaynor iPhone wallpaper. Here’s the introduction so far:

“…No.”

“Please?”

“No.” Samantha Traynor crossed her arms, stopping her work at the galaxy map console. She shook her head for emphasis, black hair sweeping across her nose.

“Come onnnn,” Diana Allers coaxed, drawing out that last word with a slight whine. “Cortez, Daniels and Copeland all agreed. I’m just missing my favorite Comms Specialist.”

“I think you mean the ‘only Comms Specialist that can stand you,’ Allers.”

“Same thing! That’s why you’re my favorite!” The reporter leaned in close to touch Sam’s elbow. “Come on, Traynor. I won’t bite. …Hard.” Diana’s voice was husky with promise.

Sam jerked her elbow away. “Lies don’t become you, Allers. I’ve seen your segments grilling the Commander about her calls. If that’s how you treat the lady responsible for covering our arses, God knows how you’ll treat me—us.”

The thought of Diana digging into Steve’s past in particular made Sam’s jaw clench. That man has been through enough, losing his husband to the Collectors.

Maybe I should go just to protect that sweetheart from the mean ol’ reporter.

Sidling between Samantha and her console, Diana clasped her hands pleadingly. “I promise I’ll behave. This isn’t gonna be some exposé on your sordid—or otherwise—personal lives.” Allers winked.

Sam narrowed her eyes at the woman. “Or Shepard’s?”

“Or Shepard’s,” Allers confirmed. “And that is saying something about my journalistic integrity, because I am dying for details on yours and Jane’s… ‘extracurriculars.’” Her fingers curled in air-quotes.

Cheeks reddening, Sam cleared her throat awkwardly.

Walked into that one, Traynor.

“Look, my editor challenged me to shine a light on the Normandy crew for my next Battlespace piece. Humanize you all a little, so the rest of the Alliance doesn’t feel like their contributions don’t matter unless they’re Commander fucking Shepard, super SpecTRe.” It was Allers’ turn to cross her arms, a thoughtful smile on her lips. “Please, Sam. We need all the morale we can spare. The war isn’t going well.”

Sam chewed her cheek, still skeptical. But she could feel her resolve weakening.

Damn that reporter and her occasional glimmer of human decency.

Diana continued, “What would you say to dinner and drinks at Purgatory, then? On the ANN’s dime? I’ve got a hefty per diem burning a hole in my pocket.” She fished a credit chit out of her dress jacket pocket to wave seductively at Sam.

“Resorting to bribery? That’s low, Allers.”

“’Bribery’ is such a dirty word, Traynor. The ANN prefers ‘compensation for credible sources.’ Quid pro quo. You scratch my back, I fill yours with booze and bar food.” The reporter paused. “…come on. Copeland agreed. Copeland. And he still hasn’t forgiven me for that Terra Nova piece. You gotta come.”

Samantha let the awkward silence build for a few seconds before an acquiescing sigh.

Making a victorious fist-pump motion, Allers immediately fired up her Omni-tool. “Yes! Meet me at the bar at 1930. I should be done with Cortez by then. I’m trying to stagger the one-on-ones, then have a group interview around 2100.”

Sam immediately regretted her decision as she felt a ping to her wrist. A navpoint paired with a calendar reminder popped up on the holo-screen. “Wait! I didn’t actually say I’d—!”

But Allers had already breezed past in large strides toward the bow docking hatch. Her camera drone floated behind her dutifully. “Thanks again, Traynor! You’re a doll! And try to dress up a little. Who knows, if you play your cards right you might end up with a fan following! An embassy secretary got her own reality show after a piece I did on her. Married a famous bioti-ball pitcher. …Trashiest social network feed I’ve ever seen, and I’m networked to that Westerlund clown, Al-Jilani. …See you tonight, Sam!”

“Fan following?” Sam thought as she watched the woman disappear around the corner out to the Citadel Docking Bay. The thought of becoming Famous did elicit a giddy feeling in Sam’s chest.

…Whoa there, Traynor. If you want to be famous right now, just tell everyone you’re dating Commander Jane Shepard. All you have to do is sell out the love of your life to the news media for a few credits and endorsements. In the middle of a galaxy-wide war.

She scowled at herself for that shitty, childish thought.

Never in a million years.

Then you’ll have to settle for giving Allers a couple feel-good soundbytes about how essential data analytics are to the war effort.

Her nose wrinkled a little less. That’s right. If not for comms specialists like me, we never would have saved Grissom Academy or tracked Kai Leng to Horizon.

That’ll have them lining up at the recruitment centres for sure, Traynor.

Finishing up a real-time data lag assessment for the Normandy’s next set of missions, Sam leaned backward in a luxurious stretch. She felt a few satisfying pops in her lower spine.

She fired up her Omni-tool to check the time. 15:48:55 GST. Just enough time to hit the showers and smooth out the wrinkles in her dress blues.

The Purgatory club was calmer than usual. The bar on the left side was always open (of course), but absent was the usual revolving clientele of dancing civilians and rowdy servicemen/women. Thrumming house music in the speakers was at a surprisingly bearable decibel for a change, too.

Skimming the upper balconies, Samantha spotted the reason for the change. Aria T’Loak, the ruler of Omega, was deep in conversation with a semicircle of trusted underlings. A holo schematic of Omega was visible between the shoulders of stern human, batarian and krogan mercenaries. It looked like the asari was finalizing her preparations to remove the Cerberus forces occupying the chunk of rock she called home.

A familiar, scowling bodyguard was posted at the upper stairwell, his four black eyes shifting from the reporter at the bar over to Sam herself. Adjusting her dress jacket, Sam flashed an innocent smile as she cut a wide berth away from the batarian towards the bar.

The sound of laughter grew louder as Sam approached a seated Steve Cortez and a standing Diana Allers at the bar. Floating behind Diana, her camera drone focused on Steve who was finishing off a frosty beer.

“—pard is still one of the worst Mako pilots I’ve ever seen. And Vega has crashed a Kodiak into Mars. That’s how low that bar is, and Shepard is still worse,” he chuckled while Diana wiped away a mirthful tear.

Allers tapped at her Omni-tool, still giggling. “Oh thank God I recorded all of that. I need to find the perfect segment to showcase ‘Commander Jane Shepard: Humanity’s Best Hope While Also Humanity’s Worst Pilot.’ My ratings will be legendary.“

Cortez raised his glass at Sam as she tiptoed up behind the reporter to take a look at her Omni-tool, currently playing back the end of Copeland’s interview and the beginning of Steve’s. Even the grumpy Ensign seemed relaxed, though Samantha suspected the shot glass in his hand was credited for that feat.

Samantha hissed in Diana’s ear as she flicked the woman’s shoulder. “Ohhhh, I see your game, Allers. Get everyone good and legless on plonk, and then film the results. Bloody despicable you are.”

Mumbling under her breath something about “Jesus Christ you’re so British,” Diana shot a glare over her shoulder at the Comms Specialist. “It’s just to grease the wheels a little, Traynor. Plus, it’s a magical learning experience. Gabby prefers wine, Copeland just throws back shots, and Cortez here is a pilsner man. I’m dying to know what your poison of choice is. I’m guessing… cheap vodka.”

Sam gasped with mock offense. “You slander my honor, madam.”

“Only one way to find out.” The reporter extended a fist and knocked on the counter to flag down the turian bartender, who nodded familiarly at Diana.

He grinned at Sam, rumbling, “Another one? Tab’s still open, Allers. You’re putting my kids through college.”

Still fiddling with her holo-recording, Diana barely looked up. She just stuck a thumb behind her at Sam. “Get this one whatever she wants. And make it a double.”

Samantha tapped her chin, an index of cocktails running through her mind from her Fishbone Pub days back at Oxford. She snapped her fingers when she recalled a favorite (and expensive) concoction: “One Quad Kicker please! All top shelf, hold the curry powder. I’m allergic. I don’t think my ‘date’ would fancy me asphyxiating to death in the middle of our chat.”

“It would be tough to explain to my boss, yes,” Allers agreed as she held her credit chit up to the bartender for another scan. “My ratings would probably go through the roof… until Shepard tossed me out an airlock.”

The turian nodded in confirmation and busied himself with smoothly mixing the requisite ginger ale, bourbon and spiced rum in a chilled highball glass. The drink was slid over to Samantha with a picture-perfect wedge of lime on the side.

Hmph. Show-off.

It was bubbly and sweet and strong, just like Sam remembered as she slid along the counter up to Cortez.

“Good to see you, Traynor,” Steve said warmly as he clinked his beer against Sam’s drink in silent toast. “And not just because I had a bet going with Copeland if you’d show tonight. …I won.”

Those bloody tossers, Samantha scowled before shrugging it off with another sip to her drink.

“…You’re in a good mood, Cortez,” Sam acknowledged with a squeeze to his shoulder.

“I’m good, Sam.”

She squinted skeptically at the pilot.

Cortez just smiled back, thin black scruff framing white teeth. His eyes had a crinkle to them that she hadn’t seen before. “Really. I’m good. I mean it, for once. I’ve been talking it out—with Shepard, of all people—and I said my goodbyes. I finally actually believe that I’ll be okay someday. Okay to move on. It seems possible.”

“I’m glad. I was rather worried about you. …Especially with this vulture stirring up trouble,” Sam said a little louder.

Allers’s eyes never left her Omni-tool, but she did extend her right hand off to the side to shoot Sam a middle finger. “I heard that.”

Cortez drained the last swallow of beer from his glass and stood up to offer Sam his seat. He threw a thumb in Allers’ direction. “She’s all right, too. …Fashion taste is terrible, but her heart is in the right place.” He winked at Sam when Diana squawked an indignant “Hey! Not you too!”

“Any advice?”

“Just dive in and get it over with,” Steve said sagely as he patted Sam’s arm. “Like ripping off a band-aid.”

Diana warned behind them, “Careful with all the shit-talk, Normandiers. I know where you bunk.”  

#fanfic #ren writes #shaynor #samantha traynor #diana allers #steve cortez #femshep #the interview #me3 #mass effect 3 #citadel

[tyrantisterror]

How I’d Ruin It: Batman

(thanks to The Lego Batman Movie for making my brain keep coming back to this, and also for making such awesome goddamn toys for my retail therapy needs)

While I write my own stories nowadays, the old fanfic writer in me resurfaces every now and then in the form of idle thoughts about how I’d handle certain stories I love.  Sometimes these musings lead me to one horrible conclusion: that no matter how much I may love the story in question, I’d be absolutely fuck awful at writing it.  This is because the scope of things I’m interested in writing is significantly smaller than the scope of things I’m interested in reading/watching - my muse is a pickier eater than I am.

Still, no matter how awful and off message my bastardized mental versions of these stories may be, they keep popping up now and then, demanding to manifest as stories are wont to do.  So today I’m going to exorcise one of them by summarizing it to you.

Today, my wonderful readers, I’m going to tell you how I’d utterly fuck up at writing Batman.

I’m a conditional Batman fan, because there’s a lot of Batman media out there and a lot of it is shit - and also there’s so much of it by volume that even reading/watching only the good Batman stuff would take more time than I can spare.  So when I say I love Batman, know that I mean, like, mostly the 90′s animated series and scattered arcs like The Long Halloween that can stand alone, and The Dark Knight, and the Adam West show, and Holy Musical B@man, and some other random Batman stuff.  I only know/like some Batman, but the amount of Batman I like is still, like, a lot of Batman.  Jesus Christ there’s so much fucking Batman dudes.

But I have some problems with Batman, two of which are relevant to this post because they’re also kind of necessary to its appeal.  The first is one that is almost justifiable, although it will undoubtedly sound preposterous to most people: why does Batman have to be so dark?

Don’t get me wrong - I’m a horror fan, so obviously I’m not completely averse to darkness in my fiction.  A big part of Batman’s appeal to me comes from how it’s rooted in Gothic Horror tropes.  It’s a comic about a dude who dresses up as a Dracula to fight monster men in a city that’s literally called Gotham, so darkness has to be part of the story.

But jeeeeeesus christ Batman is needlessly dark sometimes.  Does a bat themed super hero really need to be fighting a guy who carves tally marks into his skin for every person he’s murdered?  Is the Joker really more interesting when he’s killing everyone he sees than when he committed clown themed heists?  Isn’t being a crocodile man enough intrigue for Killer Croc, or does he need to be a creepy cannibal too?  Does every villain need to be a murderer?

While the Adam West Batman show is so campy that I can only tolerate it in small doses, it nonetheless makes me pine for a brighter take on the character/series.  It’s kind of nice to have bright colors and jokes and a Batman who doesn’t whine about how sad he is, and villains who are more into making elaborate puzzles and traps instead of finding new ways to mutilate their victims.  I’d love to see it blended with the complex psychology of the darker Batmans - but more on that after we get to problem number 2.

Which is, of course, Batman himself.

Batman can be an interesting character.  In the best Batman stories, I certainly do love him.  But, to be totally honest with you, even at his best, Batman is never the main draw to me in a Batman story.  He’s like the bun of a hot dog - it’d be weird to have one without him, and a lot of the more interesting ingredients would sort of fall apart without him holding everything together, and you’d have a great big sticky mess on your hands, but... I mean, if I’m honest, he’s not the part of this I’m looking forward to experiencing.  Batman isn’t the meat of the meal to me - no, that role goes instead to his villains.

Goddammit those villains are great! Joker, Two Face, Harley Quinn, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, the Riddler, even the obscure ones like Killer Croc and Clayface, and even the shitty ones like Calendar Man - I just fuckin’ love almost every single one of ‘em, and they’re the reason I keep thinking about how I’d love to just... just utterly ruin Batman.

But when I start thinking of the story I want to tell with those villains, inevitably I remember that, oh hey, I need to have something for Batman to do because, y’know, it’s called Batman for a reason, and my muse just wants nothing to do with that.  And that’s why the wheels always fall off.

Well, that and I have a billion other stories to write, but still.

So here’s how I’d ruin Batman in a brief pitch: My Batman story would star the villains, almost none of whom are murderers, in a version of Gotham where Bruce Wayne died with his parents, and thus has no Batman.

You’d have a Gotham City much like the one in Year One (I hate to reference a Frank Miller comic but it’s easily the most well known framework for where I’m starting here), ruled by a mix of slightly exaggerated gangsters and corrupt businessmen - more outlandish in their evil than the real thing but not quite on supervillain level.  The villains would all retain their origins for the most part, but without a Batman to draw their focus they sort of turn on each other.  It sort of splits into two factions: the Freaks, who are victims/products of the corruption inherent to the city, and the Crimelords, who are the few members of the old/mundane criminal element that adapt to the superpower boom and transition from normal gangsters to supervillains.

The resulting conflict would be the story of a bunch of broken people trying to destroy the system that made them, and the horrible remnants of the old crime world desperately trying to return things to how they are - anarchists vs. tyrants.

Now that we’ve got the basic plot/conflict down, let’s go to what I always focus on first when writing a story: the characters.  We’ll begin with our protagonists...

The Freaks

The Joker - obviously the leader of the bunch, the Joker is probably one of the characters I would bastardize/alter the most.  Nowadays it’s set pretty firmly in stone that the Joker has to be, like, the most evil man in existence.  He’s gotta kill people on a whim, physically abuse his girlfriend, cut off his own face and wear it like a mask, and just generally be a real fuckin’ creep.  But does he have to be that evil?

Well yes, yes he does, it’s what makes him iconic and is basically his defining trait, and without it most of the stories told with the character wouldn’t be possible.  The idea that he’s the villain who gives other villains nightmares is what makes him stand out.  If you lessen the depths of his depravity, you’d ruin Batman.

but does he haaaaaaaaaave to?

Imagine if you will a young, down on his luck commedian named Jack Napier who, in an attempt to provide for his wife, accidentally gets involved with the mob.  They make him dress up as a (fictional) crime boss called the Red Hood for a caper - he has to act the part to get the police off the scent of the real bosses.  Little does he know that he’s a patsy, set up to not only mislead the police but to buy time for the crooks’ escape by getting into a firefight.  He’s shot and falls into some chemicals, gets bleached, and wakes up with a new, much more unhinged state of mind.  Like the normal Joker, he finds the magnitude of his tragedy to hilariously absurd.  Also like the normal Joker, he decides to become an agent of entropy in hopes of dismantling the city that made him a monster.

Unlike the normal Joker, however, the focus of his wrath isn’t a paragon of morality and justice, but rather the corrupt and powerful rulers of Gotham.  He becomes the arch enemy of mobsters, crooked cops, and politicians - people the normal version of the Joker also antagonizes, of course, but not to this level.  Since his nemeses are different, this Joker never defines himself as a force of evil and corruption.  Instead he humiliates - this Joker punches up and brings those in power down a peg.

The “joke” theme because important here, as the Joker ends up creating a lot of schemes designed to ridicule and embarrass his victims as much as destroy them.  It’s not enough to just shoot the corrupt politician - he needs to kill their ego and their sense of power.  This Joker would much rather scare the shit out of his victim with a convoluted and frankly stupid “death” trap than just shoot them - and he’d be perfectly content just splatting them in the face with a vaudevillian pie instead of actually killing them at the end.

He wouldn’t be an out and out hero - he doesn’t go out of his way to save people or anything - but he’d also be a far cry from the “killing dozens of people a day for the sake of proving he’s evil” Joker we get nowadays.

He also wouldn’t be aware of the fact that other people don’t necessarily get the joke - not in the malicious “BWAHAHA I’M EVIL AND I’M KILLING YOU WITH LAUGHING GAS IT’S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE I’M EVIL” way, but in the “Look, I know you’re technically in peril here but you have to admit it’s objectively ridiculous that you’re being dangled above a tank full of piranhas, right?  I mean, is it even true that they eat people, or is that a myth?  This whole thing’s pretty surreal right?” sort of way.

Harley Quinn - Harley is my favorite Batman character when she’s written well, but sadly she’s normally written absolutely horribly so I’m kind of happy to just fuckin’ ruin this story for her sake.  Part of her problem is that the core concept for her character is “psychiatrist is seduced by patient, subjected to psychological and physical abuse by him, and because of said abuse becomes a supervillain.”  I mean, a lot of Batman villains also have the “horrible psychological problems make people evil” thing going on which is, y’know, horribly unfortunate, but I feel like Harley’s hit harder than most.

But since the Joker isn’t nearly as much of a bastard in this story, maybe Harley can get out with a nicer origin as well?

This version of Harley isn’t the Joker’s victim so much as a collaborator - maybe the Robin to his Batman?  They’re kindred spirits in their love of whimsy and their distaste for how the city is run - Harley in particular has a focus on the corrupt nature of the mental health facility she works at (I mean, Arkham’s not particularly good at its purpose even in the normal Batman universe).  Like Robin, Harley softens the Joker’s war on Gotham’s criminal underworld a bit - she drags him into a more compassionate viewpoint.  Unlike Robin, she’s not a subordinate/ward - while Harley plays on the Joker’s clown motiff, she doesn’t follow his schemes without question, and always argues for a different way of doing things when the Joker’s plans get too mean-spirited.  They’re actual partners in crime, as opposed to the victim/abuser dynamic they had in past fiction.

I realize this is the kind of alteration to canon - y’know, making the main villain sympathetic and a canonically abusive relationship into a healthy romanticized one - that makes people use the word “fanfic” as a pejorative, but, well, I did say this is how I’d ruin Batman.

Catwoman - while the Joker is obviously going to be the leader of the bunch, Catwoman would be the deuteragonist, both because she’s just as iconic and also because she’s probably the closest thing to Batman in this world, and it is still ultimately a world designed to work around a Batman-ish character.  Born poor, Catwoman pickpockets her way into wealth, specifically targeting the most corrupt of the wealthy.  Unlike most of the other Freaks, she has the option of living a normal life, but is ultimately compelled to keep robbing from the rich and giving to the poor (and also herself - look, she has a lot of cats to feed).  Catwoman grounds the Freaks in reality and helps them understand the rules of the system they’re trying to break - and, with her status as an up and coming socialite, is able to give them valuable intel on some of their targets.

Mr. Freeze - honestly you could just transplant the Batman: The Animated Series take on him right into here, because it’s kind of baffling he was considered a villain in the first place.  It takes literally no effort to make him a heroic figure - you just have to remove the more-traditionally-heroic Batman to make him shine.  Mr. Freeze isn’t as daffy and volatile as the Joker, but is every bit as determined to bring Gotham crashing down and to make the corrupt pay for their cruelty toward people like him.  He’s also hilariously serious, providing a stoic counterpoint to the more flamboyant personalities of the other villains.

Poison Ivy - Poison Ivy’s motivation has been “protect the environment, plants specifically”, which is pretty noble to be honest - it’s just that her methods are unnecessarily homicidal.  So, y’know, maybe tone that down a bit?  Less “mind controlling innocent people and murdering them for money to build a plant park” and more “using convenient giant animate plants to halt construction that threatens local parks” sort of schemes.  She’d basically be an environmental sciences themed vigilante - Captain Planet with an aggressive streak.

I know it’s more traditional to pair her with Harley Quinn, but I’d kinda like to try setting her up with Catwoman instead - both of them has this history of being femme fatales/evil seducers of men, so it’d be kind of fun to have a story where they just have none of that at all.  Though pairing her with Harley and making the Harley/Joker relationship purely platonic is an interesting dynamic too...

Killer Croc - he’s a great big crocodile man who lives in the sewers because no one above ground accepts him, on account of him being a big crocodile man and all.  Despite his fearsome appearance and prodigious strength, he’s a pretty swell guy - the gentle bruiser of the group.

Two-Face - like Mr. Freeze, you really don’t have to alter much to make him a good guy.  Just keep Two-Face pointed at mobsters and he works as a hero pretty well.

The Riddler - In this world, the Riddler begins as a cop who, while clever, isn’t corrupt enough to excel in the police department.  His superiors assign him to the Freak case in hopes of getting rid of him (preferably in a fatal sort of way), but that plan succeeds in the worst way, as he ends up defecting to their side.  The Riddler helps the Freaks make their schemes truly bizarre and unpredictable, and helps them get to the bottom of who is truly running Gotham City.  He’s also a smug prick about it, because smugness is key to his character.

Clayface - a star of Gotham’s theater scene, Basil Karlo is convinced to try an experiment age-defying makeup which turns him into a giant shape changing mud man.  He becomes the group’s master of disguise and also ups their general theatricality, and can back up Croc as the muscle in a pinch.

The Crimelords

Penguin - a petty thug with delusions of grandeur, Penguin wants to rise to the ranks of the social elite and goes to great lengths to seem more educated and “classy” than he is.  While he is never accepted by the rich people he idolizes, he continues to do their dirty work in hopes of getting their approval.  He is cunning in a way, though, and rises to prominence throughout the story as one of the few criminals who can keep up with the increasingly eccentric Freaks - probably because he’s basically one of them despite his protests.

Scarecrow - a corrupt psychologist at Arkham Asylum who helps the mafia by providing insanity defenses for mobsters and driving key witnesses insane, Scarecrow’s obsession with fear would spiral out of control throughout the story.  Eventually he’d switch sides to the Freaks when he gets too weird for the oldschool criminals to tolerate, although he’d never be well liked by either side.

Firefly - a particularly skilled arsonist for the Maroni crime family.  Not much more than that.

Deathstroke - the greatest assassin employed by the Falcone crime family, Deathstroke takes himself very seriously, which is to his detriment considering the pack of ridiculous monster men he’s facing in this story.  He has a bitter rivalry with...

Deadshot - the greatest assassin employed by the Maroni crime family.  Deadshot doesn’t take his work very seriously at all and is prone to sarcasm and flippancy.  He kind of loves the fact that the freaks are causing so much ridiculous trouble for his employers, but that doesn’t mean he won’t kill them for a paycheck.

Bane - a mercenary hired by the crime families to take down the Freaks.  Bane eventually switches sides; he may be a bad guy, but he also cares about the downtrodden having grown up in a city not unlike Gotham itself.

Calendar Man - the youngest son of the mafia boss Carmine Falcone, Alberto Falcone is inspired by the theatricality of the Freaks and becomes a holiday themed serial killer, targeting enemies of his father’s business in a misguided attempt to earn his approval.

Black Mask - As the different crime families slowly dwindle in number over the course of the story, Roland Sionis, an underboss for the Maroni family, eventually rises in the ranks (due to his superiors dying) and unites what remains of the mafia under his iron fist.  Deciding to fight fire with fire, he crafts a grim alter ego for himself in hopes of striking fear into the Freaks.  It doesn’t work because he’s just not theatrical enough to pull it off, but he does manage to be a thorn in their side for a while.

Hugo Strange - the chief psychologist of Arkham Asylum, Hugo Strange is an awful, awful man.  He’s also an incredibly intelligent one, master minding many of the problems the Freaks encounter.  He’s not the root of Gotham’s problems, though, as he ultimately serves...

Ra’s Al Ghul - an ancient sorceror who has made and destroyed countless societies in his many centuries of scheming, Ra’s Al Ghul made Gotham City into a nexus of misery and cruelty in hopes of awakening a world ruining entity - i.e. basically he’s trying to bring about Gozer the Destroyer.  ‘Cause why not bring in a bit of Lovecraftian terror to a setting that has a madhouse that makes monster people that’s literally called Arkham Asylum?

And that’s it.  That’s how I’d ruin Batman.

I’ll probably repurpose some of these ideas into other stories like I do with most of my fanfic ideas, but man, this sure is shitty as a Batman story, huh?

#How I'd Ruin It

[addictivedame]

#Devotion @SoulfulPatriot||

You can’t be with a man like my Aedan and not expect there to be blood on his clothes once in awhile. That just goes with the territory. All I could do was pray that it would be someone else’s and not his own.

Me and Aedan, seems like we’ve always been together. I remember him asking me to be his girl when we were too young to really understand what it meant. The nuns caught us kissing behind the playground steps and didn’t they tan us both. I can still feel the slap of the wooden ruler on my knuckles. Now, of course, I’d hit back, but then I was too scared of what my ma would say. Aedan had kissed them later on our way home from school and promised me he’d make them pay for what they’d done. It was sweet, really, though I hadn’t believed he would be so brave. Not until later that week when Sister Nancy opened her desk drawer and started caterwauling like the end of the world had come. He’d put rat traps under her pens, and when she went reaching for one….SNAP. I swear, I did my best not to laugh out loud at her pain. That day, I swore to myself I’d marry that boy when I was older, and my opinion on the subject never wavered.

That is loyalty. Aedan always knew what the word meant, and he showed it to me every day. That’s why no matter what trouble he gets himself into, I’m going to be there with him, helping him, giving that loyalty right back. Devil take anyone who tries to stand in our way.

He asked me once if I wanted to stay here, and honestly, I laughed out loud, right in his face at the very idea. “You remember when they sent the nuns and priests to come talk to us about our callings, and they said how God had callings for all of us? Some to serve God in a bloody convent, or some rubbish like that. And they showed us that movie about the missionaries going out to convert the heathen in some godforsaken place or other. After, they asked us all to write down what we felt our calling was. You know what I wrote? I said ‘I believe the Lord can call me to a better place.’ And that’s still how I feel. Staying here means eventually we’ll just rot or die young, same as everybody else. I don’t mean to die here in Belfast, darlin’. There’s a better place out there for us. And we’re gonna find it, you and me.”

I trusted him to get us there. I’d put all my hope in him. Aedan was going to get us both away from this hellhole or die trying. Of course it wouldn’t be easy. I’d have to be daft to think otherwise. But I’d wash blood out of his clothes as often as he needed so long as he was still breathing.

Did I like him being in danger? Hell no. And I wouldn’t mince words about it either. But if it meant we were on our way to someplace better, you bet your ass I’d do whatever it took to help him succeed.

When that bastard Torrian brought him in through the door, my strong man hanging limp and tracking blood onto the carpet, though, I left my cigarette to burn out in the ashtray, leaping up from my seat and giving Torrian an earful about the shape he was in as he half dragged, half carried him to the bedroom.

My voice was harsh, but it had to be. If I let myself be soft, even for a moment, I couldn’t do what I needed to.  “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what the fuck happened? No, don’t tell me. You tell that asshole MacCartan he can find someone else to be a bloody martyr for the cause, why don’t you? Jesus. Look at this mess.”

My hands were shaking, but I wasn’t going to be some little princess about it. I knew there was no going to hospital. That would mean questions that would be bad for everyone. Questions that would send Aedan away. Whatever he’d done, whatever the consequences, I was going to have to fix it as well as I could and hope for the best.

As Torrian laid him down on the bed, I took stock of what I saw. Holy Mary, mother of God, he looked like hell. He was pale, like I’d never seen him, the color of newsprint paper. “Jesus Christ,” I whispered. “I swear to God Almighty, Aedan, if the man who done this to you is still out there walking, so help me, I’m going to cut off his balls and cook them up for Sunday dinner.”

Blood was seeping through his fingers, the hand clutching his gut. Nor was that the only place where he was bleeding. His knee looked like it had been through a meat grinder. This was beyond a simple stitching up.

I brushed a hand along his forehead, my voice turning soft and tender. “Oh Aedan, what did they do to you, my darlin’?”

Torrian tried to give me some reassurance. The man responsible was dealt with. I rounded on him, my eyes like a storm. “You make it right. You hear me? I don’t care what you have to do, you get him a doctor and you make this right. You get someone here, and you do it now, or I swear to Christ, I’ll call for an ambulance myself. You get on that bloody phone and you call whoever you have to.”

He cursed me, but he did it. Something in my face must have convinced him he had better do as he was told, because I heard him talking to someone from the other room, his voice low but urgent.

All the while, I had turned to Aedan again. He looked like someone who expected to die, and it shook me to the core. “Don’t you leave me, Aedan. Don’t you dare. I’ll follow you down to hell and drag your sorry ass back here if I have to, but you’re not leaving me.”

His breath was so shallow, it terrified me, and he didn’t speak, but he looked at me and in spite of his pain, he smiled and squeezed my hand, nodding his understanding.

Five minutes later, as I was tying a towel around Aedan’s knee, a woman was rushed into the room with Torrian behind her. My fingers were covered in blood, and there wasn’t time to be polite. “Save him,” I said simply, pushing back my hair from my forehead with the back of my hand. “I don’t care how you do it. Just do it.”

With a brusque manner, she got to work, ordering Torrian and me around for more light, hot water, having us hold him still while she cut his clothes so she could see the extent of his injuries. She didn’t ask about the circumstances of how this had happened. She only asked for the facts. How many bullets? What had caused the cut his his belly? How long had he been bleeding like this? Questions that helped her assess the damage, but skirted around the incriminating details that didn’t change anything or help her fix him.

She gave him a shot of something. I didn’t ask what it was, but his expression relaxed and he mumbled something as his eyes closed, and in moments he was unconscious. It was too close to death for my comfort, though I didn’t like seeing him in pain either.

Next thing I knew, she was doing surgery on him, right there in our bedroom. As though she did this sort of thing every day. She acted almost mechanically, detached and serious, barking orders. I watched on, incredulous, as she assessed the damage to his belly – “Just missed his intestines. He’s a lucky man. If it had cut a few centimeters over, you’d have a priest here instead of me.” – and sewed him up. Then she set to work on his knee. The bullet had gone straight through, she said, though the bone was fractured into several pieces.

“I’ll do my best,” she said. “Can’t guarantee he won’t always have a limp, though.”

It felt like hours we stood there watching her work. I couldn’t look at the wounds. I kept my gaze focused on her hands instead, watching them clean and dress the injuries, sewing together damaged flesh as best she could. He was going to have nasty scars, no doubt about it, but that was a small price to pay if he would only live.

She set the bones and wrapped his leg in plaster, and she set up an IV for fluids while she worked, making Torrian hold the bag up until it had dripped through completely.

At last it was done, and she stepped back, disconnecting the IV, then peeling gloves from her hands and tossing them into the trash. She handed me a bottle of pain pills and another with antibiotics, giving me instructions for his care. I nodded, and only as she was packing up her things did I look down to read the labels on the bottles.

“Veterinarian?” My mouth dropped open, and I laughed in spite of all that had happened. “You’re a veterinarian?”

“You wanted someone who wouldn’t ask questions. You got me. You got a problem with that, take it up with your boyfriend’s boss.” She snapped together the bag she had carried in with her, turning matter of factly to leave.

I hurried over to catch her arm, turning her to face me, my expression full of worry. “Wait. What’s your name? What do I do if he doesn’t...you know...if he gets worse?”

“Call a priest. I’ve done the best I can here. I won’t lie to you. It’s serious. But he’s strong. You do like I told you, he ought to pull through. As for my name, you don’t get it. I don’t want to know yours or his either. Forget you saw me. This was a one time deal. I won’t be doing it again. Good luck.”

With that, she looked at Torrian and scowled. “Don’t call me again. This is the last time. I’m done.”

He followed her to the door and locked it behind her, then came back, standing uselessly in the doorway as I got into the other side of the bed and took Aedan’s hand.

“What can I do?” he asked. “Can I bring you anything?”

“Get out,” I said coolly. “And don’t come back unless I call you. I don’t want to see your fucking face.”

I didn’t turn to see him go. I was watching over my man, kissing his fingers as he slept. I stayed there – whispering to him, telling him I loved him, my lips brushing his forehead, my fingers caressing his hair – until I fell asleep at last by his side.

#Devotion #SoulfulPatriot

[angelstxrk]

Review of Thor Ragnarok

Below the cut is my non spolier free review if anyone is interested.

I know everyone has seen the movie already but I am itching to write my thoughts down. I normally see Marvel movies with my friends who I can gush about them with but I saw it with my family this time and had to contain my fangirling. But onto the review.

I loved it. Loved it. Absolutely fucking loved it. I think there are loads of people who don’t because of the tone is so different compared to the other Thor movies but not me.

To me, there’s a big difference between that type of humour and Joss Whedon’s humour in the Avengers and AOUT. That being this comedy flows naturally while the others feel a bit forced if you rewatch them.

Now, I will admit at the beginning of the movie that the comedy kinda felt forced but I believe that’s because it comes in REALLY heavy handed from the get-go and overwhelms you. For me though, once that initial shock was over, I rarely stopped smiling or laughing. This movie is so fucking charming and funny.

I get that it’s insanely different compared to the other Thor movies but I don’t mind it. I’m kinda upset everyone makes that their argument as to why they don’t like the film. Loads of people always complained they were too serious, too glum, or hard to understand. They tried to listen to criticism and everyone complains. If you have this criticism that’s completely okay though because the tone of this movie just might not be your cup of tea.

I’ve seen people say that it’s too much like guardians of the galaxy and I really disagree. I personally didn’t get that vibe at all.

Let’s dive into some more specific things.

Can I just say that I’m proud that Loki didn’t run Asgard into the ground while being a ruler? It seems like he did a damn good job and I’m happy someone finally built him that monument.

I am a huge fan of Doctor Strange and seeing him in this was just a delight. I think I geeked out way too loud when I saw him because my sister said: ‘do you want to hold my hand?” It was only brief but my baby was back and being fucking awesome. I wish there had been more time for him and Loki to interact because if you’re a fan of those two actors, you know everyone has been dying for them to do more stuff together. Still, I’m proud of my sorcerer dad.

I don’t know why I’m supposed to feel bad that Odin died. I think some people do? I feel bad that Thor lost his father but Odin can fuck right off. He fucked Loki over, he fucked Hela over and he just sucks, okay? Won’t miss you buddy.

Hela was great. Like I really enjoyed her. I hope we see more of her someday because even though she’s s evil, she’s so damn entertaining. Cate is just fucking amazing in the role. 

Loki. Oh my heart. I was one of the many people who fell in love with Loki when the first Thor came out and I never wavered. He was so funny in this and I am so proud of Tom. Now, there might be some that don’t like the direction they took him. I think people might prefer their Loki as this ‘evil’ tricker and nothing more. Personally, I loved the arch they gave him. I think a lot of us our like Thor and want to see Loki do good. I honestly hope things stay this way but with Loki, I feel like he goes where his mood takes him. He better not die in Infinity War. Nope. He and Tony Stark are under my protection and they can’t fucking die.

Bruce, oh my baby Bruce. He was so great in this! A bit more hyped up than usual but I loved him. I also loved Hulk. He’s like a little child and it’s precious. I want to see Teenage Groot and Hulk scene. It must happen.

Also, we do not deserve that lovely rock person. I can’t think of his name because I suck but he was a godman delight and the world would be a better place with people like him.

Kinda sucks that Jane is just dismissed but what can you do? She’s awesome in her own right and the movies just couldn’t handle her.

Jesus Christ, my bisexual dream came true was seeing Loki and Valkyrie interact. Just...yes. Yes please. Is there an extended scene of that because....yes.

Speaking of being bisexual, fuck Marvel for cutting out the scene where her bisexuality was on display. Tessa fought for that scene and their cowards for cutting it. I think they were trying to hint that she lost her partner when they went to fight Hela. At least I picked up on that but that’s because I’m a gay looking for it. My hetero family didn’t notice it at all and that’s what Marvel wants. To play it safe. I’m sick of that honestly. I’m sick of all the heteronormative bullshit and I think that’s the only negative issue that I have with this film. Well, that and they threw more Natasha/Bruce in my face which I’ve never liked. That was Whedon’s fuckup and we’re kinda stuck with it.

Valkyrie as a person though was a delight. I have a mighty crush on her now, to be honest, and I hope we see more of her. I honestly don’t mind her and thor. To me they have more chemistry than Jane/Thor did.

But overall, I really loved this film aside from the fact that Marvel kept Valkyrie sexuality as hidden as possible. I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie and just kept smiling or laughing. The visuals were stunning ( i actually got chills when the Valkyrie fought Hela ), the music was really cool and the acting from everyone was FANTASTIC!

I’ll have to rewatch it a bit but at the moment I’d give it a A-

#❝I do exist outside the suit.❞ ( ooc ) #( just a little review I wanted to write because I just saw the film and have NO ONE to talk about it with ) #thor ragnarok #thor ragnorok spoilers