#more complicated than people think ; hailey

[selfmadesaviour]

tag drop.

#actually one of the nice girls ; jj #its not that easy for me ; erin #the war is a part of me ; jay #i am clearly a middle child ; trevor #that is captain to you ; liv #i do what i have to ; sam #they think i'm weird ; margot #only freaking superheroes ; amy #death before dishonor ; conrad #surgeons don't make promises ; mina #they do see me ; wilder #i can be it all ; gaby #meant to be a mother ; kathy #this is who i am ; nat #tiny but fierce ; tina #just like fine wine ; tanya #this is a lucy lesson ; lucy #more complicated than people think ; hailey #trust fund baby ; wesley #everything is a test ; tim

[cowboypossume]

Hailey Banks is autistic

not just because i am too and i relate to her

1. The first episode we LITERALLY get the whole "I'm adverse to new experiences so I just write them down instead!". To the nth degree too /pos. That's what causes the whole series to begin

a big Thing of autism is need for a routine -or at least an idea of what to expect- to the point changes to the plan can result in meltdowns or flat out avoidance (as we see with Hailey).

with the world ending, she starts to embrace the changes, but still doesn't necessarily Like all the new things.

i could be reading to much into it, but in the theme song we get things like "make a candle with my own ear wax???" and "eat an onion :/" where we see this aversion to not only trying but actually DOING new things, too. this is continued at several points in the show, too. she flat out says "i don't want to do that right now; let's find a different list item" NUMEROUS times. several of those scenes do come from her feelings for scott, sure, but i think that proves my point?

friendship for neurodivergent people is ,, complicated (we'll get there) so right now hailey has this steady, predicable pattern with her best friend. she doesn't want to ruin that, and thus we fall back into the "i don't want things to change" part of autism

2. Hailey and birds

special interests are a bit complicated, and this isn't the place to explain it, but in short its basically a Really Strong interest in something. it occurs to everyone, but people with autism are more likely to experience either stronger or more frequent :)

birds are DEFINITELY a special interest for hailey!

- half of her list items INVOLVE birds and thus almost every episode has some sort of a something with birds (frank, the red owl, petey, etc) - she has a party and the way she wants to have fun is build birdhouses with her peers - she adopts a flamingo. like. - her little birdhouse collection <33333

there's more but it's just silly and i love frank and petey so much and-

3. she has a really hard time understanding how to relate to her peers socially

ok, again there are so many better researched things than this so this is a BRIEF summary, but: autistic people just process the world differently. a lot of social cues go over their head because the world is processed Different.

so having hailey be a bit dense social-wise is so nice to see. especially because none of the characters penalize her or mock her for not getting it. instead they just, talk to her? like people?

examples off the top of my head about the miscommunication are - kristine wanting to have a date with scott and hailey tags along - becker flirts with hailey and hailey is like ":D wow ! what a silly billy !" (the 'i'm more of a ice cream girl if you catch my drift' / 'i still need to use this coupon????') - the rubic's cube episode where hailey doesn't understand scott's needs vrs her own and like ,, how those mesh together - that plotline where hailey admits that she doesn't have that many [female] friends (or any besides scott) because it's always been weird for her - part of what draws her to frank is that she's ALSO been labeled as weird and different, and she doesn't think that's a reason for isolation - at her birthday party she doesnt understand why people aren't having fun. because, for her, this is fun!! - that same said party was immeditaly followed with her admitting "this isn't fun for me; i would like to stop" when it comes to the truth or dare game.

there are a bunch more examples. again, this just for a general idea to show where this idea is coming from

4. [according to the wiki] "Hailey is quite determined for a kid her age"

afab austistic people go underdiagnosed for reasons like this!!!

things that can SO be autisic are marked off as "mature" because a lot of austsim is masking OR traits that appear one way in amab appear differently in afab.

this idea of "determination" can tie into the special interest thing as mentioned before, or why austsic people are often shown as "selfish": because they want something, and don't understand the social repercussion of saying no.

5. as i mentioned, the list thing.

as generally mentioned, autistic people want a semblance of what to expect from something. when they don't get that, those feelings can cope in other ways.

in this show, hailey makes a list.

instead of trying something new, she just thinks 'oh i'll do that later!' and then DOESNT! :3

these are small things and obviously a headcannon, but it means a a lot to mean

#hoi! #hailey's on it #hailey banks #headcannons #autistic #my analysis

[rruhlauthor]

Book Review - The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

After reading, I learned this book was first published on 28 February 2017, which makes this a timely review at its seventh anniversary.

It’s difficult to write a book with social justice themes without the narrative dipping into a lecture-style and the author’s voice bleeding through. Angie Thomas pulled it off masterfully, and never once was the immersion broken while discussing themes. This book is clever and chooses each word meaningfully. The Hate U Give gripped me by the collars and would not let me put it down. The story is compelling and highly readable, covering emotionally heavy material and educating the reader on racial justice while also presenting a coming of age tale and lots of humor. This style represents its core message: despite growing darkness, we have to keep living. The narrator’s voice, the unfortunate ongoing relevance to current events, and the unrelenting suspense make this book a modern classic that I think should be in every high school.  

The voice of the protagonist and the ways in which she interacts with her world and the people around her immerse the reader. Starr is a likable character, funny, resilient, and brave even when she doesn’t think she is. Her characterization was so strong I felt like I could meet her in passing on the street or follow her tumblr blog. She collects sneakers. She knows how to put price tags on groceries. She’s embarrassed by her parents’ dancing. The driving plot of The Hate U Give is the murder of Khalil and trial of 115, but the book is about so much more. The book is about Starr and how she grows into self-confidence and realizes her power to change her community. We care about Starr’s conflict with her friends and boyfriend, her worry about her parents’ marriage, and her complicated feelings with attachment to the place she grew up versus moving to a better life. Suspense never relents, lending a thriller feel to the story. Will Starr decide to speak up? Will 115 be charged? Will Hailey apologize? Will the family be able to protect DeVante from King? The people and places are described with such care they leap off the page. The appeal and success of this story is not from larger than life characters and events, but painful and heartfelt realism.

I had a few tears in my eye at the end of the novel, in a good way. There was no justice for Khalil, just like continues to happen in the real world. The Hate U Give was published in 2017, and it feels like little has changed since then in police reform. But there is still hope. Starr and her family get a better house, her mom gets a new job, the community help rebuild the store, Starr stands up for herself against Hailey, and she’s closer than ever with Chris who has shown he’ll support her in anything. The central message of the book is not loss but hope, a story about fighting for a better world because we live in it. This is what we need in face of rising darkness. The audience cares about the characters, cares about the tragedy, cares about justice, but the ultimate reason The Hate U Give hits so hard is that it doesn’t lean into despair. It says, “we must do something, and we can.”

I think this book should be taught in high schools. I certainly wish it was taught in the one I attended (a semi-rural, predominately white community). I know people would have a fit about the strong language, especially “that one news channel” as it was called in the novel, but the message is more important than a couple swear words the students would hear in the hallways anyway. It’s an introduction into learning about activism, written in a voice that is relatable and easily comprehended, wrapped in the attention-grabbing vibe of a YA thriller. Teens and adults alike can enjoy the storytelling and learn a lot from it. I certainly learned a lot about a culture that is not my own, and I’m grateful Angie Thomas created this and shared it with us. It surely took a lot of emotional labor, and the author’s emotional connection to the story shows and makes it all the more impactful.

Stories have the power to change the world, and if they didn’t, there wouldn’t be massive censorship efforts all throughout history. We’re living amongst the worst of modern censorship waves in the United States right now, with any book that mentions race or sexuality being challenged, even children’s books about things as unprovocative as doing hair. The Hate U Give covers dark subject material, but we need to not look away from the darkness in the world we live in. The enemy of hate is care. Through trying to understand one another and our struggles, we can be the light, like a star.

#book review #the hate u give

[torreshalstead]

It Seemed Like a Good Idea - Chapter 12

Summary - Hailey’s US visa was due to expire, which normally wouldn’t be an issue as the CPD would get it renewed but due to a backlog of paperwork, this wasn’t possible. This meant Hailey was faced with the real possibility of having to leave the country, her job and everything she held dear. That was until Jay offered up a solution which would allow her to stay in Chicago, in Intelligence, with him - they could get married. Getting married was a good idea, right?

Chapters - 12/20

Chapter Title - The Application

Notes - This chapter makes this fic the longest thing I have ever posted and we still have the rest of it to go which is crazy to me! Thanks so much for your support and happy reading ❤️ AO3 Link

‘The paperwork is here,’ Hailey called out loudly when she opened the mail that morning. They had requested it the previous week but as with all bureaucratic processes, it had taken some time to get to them and goodness knows the Immigration Department wasn’t forward thinking enough to have an electronic version.

‘Great,’ Jay replied, appearing from his bedroom tugging on his shirt as he walked. Hailey was not sure when it changed and the lines had blurred but Jay at least had become a lot more comfortable parading round the apartment in a state of undress since their wedding. It’s a good thing he’s got the body for it, Hailey thought and then immediately hated herself for it. Yes, he was her husband technically, but he was also her best friend and she shouldn’t be ogling him like that. How would she feel if he thought about her like that? The thought wasn’t as unpleasant as she had originally imagined and her stomach almost leaped at the thought.

Taking a seat on the couch and pushing those thoughts from her mind, Hailey ripped open the envelope and started to read the covering letter, ‘damn it’s a complicated process,’ she muttered.

‘The land of the great doesn’t make it easy to stay here,’ Jay scoffed. ‘They like to make people jump through hoops.’

‘You can say that again.’ Hailey ran her hand through her hair, eyes still scrolling down the formal letter headed paper.

‘Okay so some of the stuff we have already but we will need to put it together like our texts, photo evidence and lease information. We also need to provide letters of support from members of the community and the contact details for our family unless they are no longer involved in our lives and then we need to give reasons…’ Hailey tailed off. Yes, she had opened up to Jay about her past and her family on their wedding night but having to reveal that to a complete stranger, that was a different situation entirely and not one she was keen to go through.

‘Okay, our choices for the letters are probably Trudy and Voight right? We could get one of the team to do it but it might hold more weight coming from a police sergeant,’ Jay suggested, clearly sensing her apprehension about her family and steering the conversation away from that direction.

‘Yeah that’s a good idea,’ Hailey said, her eyes still focused on the letter.

‘We’ve got this Hails,’ Jay said confidently, reaching over to clasp her hand. This was another thing that had changed since they had gotten married, they would now happily hold hands and had ended up snuggled together on the couch on more than one occasion after a long shift. The previously written limits to physical contact seemed to have melted away when they said I do, and she wasn’t complaining, and neither apparently was Jay.

‘Let me get a pen and paper and we can make a list of what we need to do.’ Hailey squeezed his hand before getting up and grabbing her trusty writing pad from next to the fridge. ‘We should also let the team know they might be called to give evidence.’

Jay had taken up Hailey’s position of reading through the letter, ‘yeah, it doesn’t say if we get to pick who they chose or if we provide the list and they’ll just pick one or two,’ he muttered.

‘Do you think they’ll all be happy to do it?’ Hailey asked, tucked her feet up under herself as she repositioned herself on the end of the couch.

‘I do. If it keeps you in the country, Hailey, they would be happy to.’ Jay smiled over at her, the kind of smile that made her warm from the inside out.

‘Okay, so we need to ask Trudy and Voight if they are happy to write letters of support for us.’ Hailey started to scribble down the list.

‘And then we should speak to the team to let them know someone may contact them but if they want to opt out we can not include their names on the list,’ Jay mused thoughtfully.

‘Then we need to put together the proof of the texts, photos and evidence we live together, that shouldn’t be too difficult anyway thanks to Mouse.’

‘The final thing is contact details for our family or reasons why we don’t talk to them anymore,’ Jay said and Hailey could sense he was treading carefully, unsure of her reaction.

‘I’ve been thinking about that, and I wondered if I should try and get in contact with my Mom,’ she said, giving Jay a shy smile as she nervously tapped her pen against the edge of the notepad.

‘Really?’ Jay said, shocked.

‘Yeah, it’s been long enough and I guess a small part of me hopes she might be happy for me that I’m doing well in my job and I’m married,’ she smirked at the last few words. ‘And it makes me the bigger person,’ she added, voice full of pride.

‘If you’re sure then you’ll know I’ll support you Hails, I just…’ Jay stammered.

‘Don’t want me to get hurt?’ Jay nodded and Hailey offered him a smile in return, ‘I think I need some closure, and she’ll either react well and it’ll be a positive thing or she won’t and I’ll get my closure that way.’

‘Okay then, so contact your Mom and then either give her details over or-’

‘Or we explain to them why she’s not in my life anymore,’ Hailey finished firmly, adding it to her list with a flourish.

——————————————————————————

‘So I’ll ask Trudy and you’ll speak to Voight,’ Hailey said in the truck the following morning whilst Jay drove them to the district.

‘Not sure which of us is getting the shorter straw there,’ Jay chuckled, ‘but yes, I can speak to Voight. The letter of support is for us as people rather than us as a couple right?’

‘I think so,’ Hailey said, pulling up one of her legs to wrap her arms around it. ‘The guidance wasn’t particularly clear, I think it just covers their history with us as individuals, what they know about our relationship and then probably how we are on the job?’

‘Got to make sure we are actually good cops and not just scrounging off the taxpayer,’ he smirked.

‘Something like that,’ Hailey muttered. Just as she had done every time they had had to cast the net a little wider and get other people involved in their scheme, her stomach was wrapping itself up in knots and the guilt was rampaging through her.

‘They are on our list for the interviews too, right?’ Jay asked as he pulled the truck into the parking lot behind the district, swinging into one of the vacant spots.

‘Yep along with Kevin, Kim and Adam. Will’s automatically on it as a member of your family and I thought it would be best to leave Mouse out?’ Hailey said with a questioning shrug.

‘Not sure he’d be the best to provide a character reference, but he is in our wedding photos,’ Jay considered.

‘I hadn’t thought about that,’ Hailey said, panic suddenly bubbling through her to add to the cocktail of guilt and anxiety that she was already experiencing.

‘We can discuss it after shift,’ Jay said calmly, reaching out to squeeze her leg. ‘Let’s face one thing at a time.’

‘One thing at a time,’ Hailey muttered before taking a breath and opening the door. Time to go face Trudy.

——————————————————————————

‘Hey Sarge, you got a sec?’ Hailey asked when she reached the front desk, leaning against it with a small smile.

‘For you Upton, I do,’ Trudy said, pausing her task, waiting for Hailey to speak.

She looked around, there were other officers still lingering around the front desk waiting for their partners or taking notes from members of the public - not the place for a private conversation. Trudy seemed to take the hint.

‘Come on,’ she said, gesturing with her head to behind the desk where there was a small storage room. ‘Guessing this isn’t job related?’

‘Not particularly,’ Hailey admitted.

‘Alright then,’ Trudy closed the door behind her and leant against the filing cabinet, arms crossed.

Hailey adored Trudy, probably more than the stern-faced Sargeant knew. She reminded Hailey of her high school advisor back in Toronto, seemingly having an impenetrable shell but with a heart of gold. Hailey knew that no matter what was happening, Trudy would always have her back. She was always on the right side, the side of the good. Hailey didn’t feel good about lying to her, but with how well Trudy could read both her and Jay, a tiny part of her wondered if maybe she knew.

‘So,’ Hailey started with a deep breath, her hands clutched in front of her, her fingers finding the band around her left finger and taking comfort in twisting it around. ‘As you know Jay and I got married.’

‘I am aware of such an occurrence, seeing as I was present,’ Trudy said, raising an eyebrow.

‘Of course,’ Hailey stammered, shaking her head. ‘Well, because I am here on a working visa, we are going to be applying for a spousal visa instead as it’s a bit easier that way.’ That was a flat out lie, the application for a spousal visa required a hell of a lot more paperwork than a renewal of her working visa, but unfortunately the Ivory Tower would be needed for the latter and their backlog was the reason for all of this.

‘Okay,’ Trudy said, her voice tinged with light suspicion.

‘And for the spousal visa,’ Hailey continued, trying to keep her tone level, ‘we need some letters of support for the application. Support for us as people, evidence that we are contributing members of society, trustworthy I guess.’

‘So you want me to write such a letter saying that you deserve a spousal visa because both you and your husband are excellent cops, the city is safer because you are here et cetra et cetra,’ Trudy surmised, waving her hand about as she listed the reasons.

‘Umm… yeah, but only if you wouldn’t mind?’ Hailey asked, aware she was asking a lot of Trudy.

‘And Chuckles is asking Voight?’ Trudy asked.

‘He’s up there now, we figured letters from respected sargeants wouldn’t hurt,’ Hailey let out a shaky chuckle.

‘You’re probably not wrong there,’ Trudy seemed to take a second to consider the request. ‘Of course Upton, when do you need it for?’ Hailey let out a breath and smiled at her words.

‘By the end of the week if that’s okay? We have to collect some other stuff for the application as well.’

‘End of the week is fine,’ Trudy smiled softly. ‘Honoured you asked Upton.’

Hailey smiled bashfully, ‘when they’ve received the application they might want to interview our friends and families too but we can not include you on the list if it’s too much of an imposition.’

‘Not a problem at all, I’m usually on the other side of the interview table but I’m sure I’ll be able to sing your praises,’ Trudy chuckled.

‘Thanks Trudy,’ Hailey smiled. ‘I really appreciate it,’ she added sincerely.

‘Alright then, scoot upstairs before you take up any more of my time,’ Trudy mocked with a grin. But Hailey knew better than to push her any further. She wondered if Jay was having a hard time with Voight upstairs. The Intelligence Sergeant was a tough nut at the best of times, though he did have his number one value - family.

——————————————————————————

‘So did Halstead come up to see you today?’ Trudy said, leaning against the door into Voight’s office at the end of the day, a mug full of steaming decaf coffee in her hand. No caffeine after 4pm was a steadfast rule for Trudy Platt.

‘Asked me to write a letter in support of Upton’s visa application,’ Hank said, his voice as gruff as it always was. ‘Ask you the same thing?’

‘They used the divide and conquer technique, she came to see me and he took you,’ Trudy chuckled, taking a seat on the couch and crossing one leg over the other.

‘Logical plan,’ Voight said, pushing his chair back slightly to look at Trudy. ‘Something playing on your mind?’

‘Did you know Hailey’s visa was up for renewal?’ Trudy asked, attempting to keep her voice free of accusation or suspicion but she had done the math.

‘Hadn’t really thought about it to be honest,’ Voight responded truthfully. ‘I’m guessing by your face that you did though.’

Trudy nodded, ‘just wondered if this was a marriage of convenience for immigration purposes,’ Trudy wondered aloud.

‘You saying you think they don’t love each other?’ Voight questioned.

‘No no, nothing like that, I think they’ve loved each other for longer than they realised,’ she scoffed. ‘He thinks she’s the sun and she’d defend him until the ends of the earth.’

‘So?’

‘Just wondered if this visa thing made them get married before they were ready for it,’ Trudy shrugged. ‘Or before they wanted to.’

‘Plenty of people get married before they are ready for it; tax purposes, pregnancies, family pressures,’ Voight listed off.

‘Sure, you’re right,’ Trudy pondered.

‘If you think it’s just for immigration purposes though…’ Voight tailed off and Trudy knew what he was thinking. If they, as members of the Chicago Police Department, suspected that anyone, let alone members of their own district, were attempting to fabricate a relationship and a marriage in order to receive a visa for the United States, they were obliged to report it.

‘No, it’s clear they love each other, I just wondered if it had sped things up that’s all,’ Trudy concluded and Voight agreed with a nod.

‘I agree, maybe the threat of her visa expiration was the push they needed to get their heads out their arses and admit their feelings for each other,’ Voight chuckled.

‘Well it clearly worked out well,’ Trudy smiled as she took a sip from her mug. Whatever had made them realise their feelings for each other, she was glad they finally had. She wanted nothing more than to see Hailey happy, and Jay was clearly a part of that. Maybe Voight was right, maybe they had just needed a little push.

——————————————————————————

‘Okay, so they’ve both agreed to write letters and get them back to us by Friday,’ Hailey said, looking down at the list she had created and making a note next to the ‘support letters’ bullet point. ‘Did you warn Voight they might want to interview him as well?’ She asked looking over at Jay who was nursing a beer on the other end of the couch.

‘I did, he didn’t seem particularly thrilled at the idea,’ he chuckled, ‘but he was on board.’

‘Good, I feel sorry for anyone having to question Voight’s integrity,’ Hailey chuckled. ‘We also still need to let the team know as well.’

Jay nodded in agreement taking a sip of his drink, ‘I spoke to Will whilst you were on your run earlier and he’s been forewarned as well.’

‘Was he okay?’ Hailey asked, nibbling on the end of her pen in worry. Will was the one person apart from themselves who was at risk during this whole process. He was also the one that didn’t have any of the police training required to subvert or even lie during interview proceedings. She worried that the decision they had made to tell him the truth would come back to bite them, and him.

‘He’s fine Hails,’ Jay said calmly, clearly sensing Hailey’s worry. ‘He knows what he can say and what he can’t. I think they’ll probably just ask him about his relationship with you anyway.’

‘Really?’ Hailey raised an eyebrow.

‘Yeah. I mean, me and him are obviously close, live in the same city, cross paths on the job, don’t have any other family apart from each other. So they’ll probably be checking that he knows you, was aware of our relationship from the beginning, that you and him are actually as close as you’d expect someone to be with their sibling's spouse,’ Jay shrugged.

‘That makes sense I suppose,’ Hailey reasoned. ‘Well we do know each other pretty well I guess.’

‘They won’t be able to dig any holes in his statement,’ Jay said, reaching across to squeeze her shoulder, the warmth of his palm seeping through her thin cotton t-shirt.

Hailey hummed in agreement, glancing down at her list again, one of the bullet points glaring back at her.

‘I’m going to call my Mom,’ she said quietly. She’d spent the whole day thinking about it, she didn’t know what the outcome of the call would be but she at least wanted to try.

‘Want me to give you some privacy?’ Jay asked, his voice soft and gentle.

Hailey shook her head, ‘you can stay,’ she said quietly, smiling at him as her thumb hovered over her Mom’s contact on her phone. She didn’t even know if the phone number she had for her was still in service. But there was only one way to find out. She hit call and lifted the phone to her ear, her chest tightening as she listened to the dialling tone.

#upstead #Hailey upton #jay halstead #Chicago pd #upstead fanfiction #chicago pd fic #one Chicago #upstead fic #chicago pd fanfiction #upstead fanfic #chicago pd fanfic

[yedithwrites]

This or That Tag Game

I was tagged by @indigowriting. Thank you so much for the tag! Find their post here.

|| HISTORICAL or FUTURISTIC ||

Historical! IDK why, but I just think historical is more interesting to write, even though the research is a lot of work. Especially if it's a subject I'm really familiar with. Futuristic is fun to read, but I don't really gravitate towards it as a writer.

|| OPENING or CLOSING CHAPTER ||

Every time I have to write an ending, I do it crying and screaming lol. Endings are so hard for me. I wrote the ending of Good Friends and then re-wrote it and then re-wrote the whole thing and then hated the ending again lol. It's so hard knowing the right place to stop, or if I tied up all the loose ends, or if I've explained too much, or if I made the right choices. I'm fighting for my life every time I write a closing chapter.

|| LIGHT+FLUFFY or DARK+GRITTY ||

I'm going to say both because I think my writing is usually somewhere in the middle. When I write horror (especially when I'm writing a novel vs a short story), I can't stop myself from inserting moments of hope or lightness. And when I write romance, I can't stop myself from putting in some heavier topics.

|| ANIMAL COMPANION or FOUND FAMILY ||

Found family 100%. I actually very rarely write animals into my stories. I guess I just never really considered it. Writing people is more fun for me. I love creating different dynamics between characters.

|| HORROR or ROMANCE ||

I am physically incapable of choosing one or the other. I write both and I mix the genres together a lot. There was this tweet from Hailey Piper recently that said horror and romance are lovers and they belong together and that's exactly how I feel lol.

|| HARD MAGIC SYSTEM or SOFT MAGIC SYSTEM ||

I don't need an explanation for a magic system and I don't like explaining it in my work. I think explaining too much can dull some of what makes the magic magical, if you know what I mean (though not always, of course). Yeah, my magic systems will have some rules, but I like writing the sort of magic that not even the protagonist really understands.

|| STANDALONE or SERIES ||

I've never once written a series lol. I have one I'm planning (a vampire trilogy) and I am way out of my comfort zone with it.

|| ONE PROJECT AT A TIME or ALWAYS JUGGLING 2+ ||

I'm always sort of working on more than one thing. Like right now, I'm revising two novels and plotting another (plus... I need to finish a novella I started on a whim). But I don't actually work on them at the same time. One will grab my attention for weeks or months and then I'll go back to another and so on and so forth.

|| ONE AWARD WINNER or ONE BESTSELLER ||

I would cry if I got an award, don't get me wrong. But for practical reasons, it's gotta be bestseller (as I am in need of more money, thank you). Plus, a bestseller would probably lead to more exposure and more opportunities.

|| FANTASY OR SCI-FI ||

I have a complicated relationship with sci-fi. I definitely have some favorite sci-fi novels, but it's typically a genre I have trouble getting into. It's not like I've never written sci-fi or plan on writing it either, but fantasy comes to me much easier.

|| CHARACTER DESCRIPTION or SETTING DESCRIPTION ||

One of my greatest sins is how little I care about describing setting. It's to the point that I'll write a first draft and then force myself to go back and fill in the setting descriptions. I'm careful about describing characters too, and I try to do it only when it makes sense, but I like it more than setting descriptions.

|| LOVE TRIANGLE IN EVERYTHING or NO ROMANTIC ARCS ||

Yeah... I love a good romance and I can't write anything long form that doesn't have one. I write love triangles sometimes, but it's more like "dating the wrong person" than a true love triangle. For Good Friends, I have a list called "casualties of Ruben and Ari's romance" and there's like five characters on it lol. When there's a real love triangle, it definitely tends to lean more poly.

|| CONSTANT SANDSTORM or RAINSTORM ||

I've lived in Oregon my whole life so I know rain really well. I wouldn't even know where to start with a sandstorm.

Gently tagging @kaiyo @thesorcerersapprentice @queenkalico and anyone else who might be interested!

#tag game #writer game

[tokkias]

sorry but genuinely what is so hard about running a ship blog? isn't it just reblogging things?

it can be if that's how you want to run it, but if you're running it the way that aan runs and i assume the nalu archive, it's kind of a bit more complicated than that?

you have to constantly be tracking the ship tag to stay consistent, but you have to figure out what ship tags you're tracking. do you only track #nalu? do you want to use #ft nalu or #natsu x lucy or #lucy x natsu? because some people don't use one or all of those tags. when you go through the tags do you reblog everything at once, do you schedule it or do you queue it? with aan we can't queue recent posts because we consistently have a backlog of 800+ posts in our queue of old content, so if i'm reblogging a bunch of stuff at a time i have to manually schedule each post. if you're also posting the individual characters (which we don't, it'd be way too much work) that's extra tags and extra posts you have to track. that's not to mention the stuff in the tag that isn't nalu.

then you have to consider what it is you're willing to reblog. if you're a decent person you'll avoid reblogging stolen/reposted art, which is difficult when there seems to be so much of it today. there are the obvious offenders but sometimes people pop up and their art theft can be easily mistaken as just a new artist popping up on the scene, so you have to be careful. for some reason people are posting a bunch of gruvia in the nalu tag, or people will make a personal post saying how they're going to work on a nalu fic in the future and put that in the tag, but neither of those are relevant so you probably wouldn't reblog them, so it just takes up your time scrolling through the tag. that brings up the question of other ships. are you willing to reblog nalu arts that have other ships in it? what about other natsu and lucy ships? does gratsulu count as nalu? how are you goign to tag it? because i personally have gra/lu blacklisted because i am not a fan, but you have to be sure that it's tagged correctly so people like me can filter it out.

tagging is a whole other beast because you have to figure out how you're going to tag. what tags are you going to use? and then you have to make sure you're consistent with it too. you can't start using #fan art, and then change to using #fanart. to be completely honest i still don't know if the aan tag is #manga cap or #manga caps. if there's more than one person working on the blog you have to make sure you're both using the same tags. then you have to figure out how to tag things that are in a gray area in your tags. is this post a manga cap, an edit, a gif?

and that's just if you're only reblogging recent posts.

if you're hosting an event that's graphics and posts you need to make. im so lucky that i have hailey who's willing to do all the art for free and that i have a passable experience in making graphics. there's decisions to be made about when/where/how to host it. if i had to list out all the problems we had hosting nalu week this year because we went in thinking it would be easy, it would be like 10 pages long.

that's not even getting into the politics of it all. there are some people who are just not going to like how you run the blog or the event. people say stuff, whether privately or publicly. some people have issues with there being more than one blog for a ship, some people just don't like the ship.

this is by no means a "don't make a ship blog post". i want there to be a million blogs dedicated to all things nalu because i love nalu so much, but running a ship blog well is deceptively difficult. you think it's going to be easy because well, you already run your own blog, how hard can it be?

this is the stuff that i wish someone had told me when we started up aan. it would have saved me a lot of grief in the long run if i knew what i was getting myself into.

#mya's mumbles

[abbatoirablaze]

At Death's Door, Chapter 12

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: language, mentions of death.

Sam’s POV

“I need to speak with you in private,” I said to Dean.  I nodded at Dahlia and she gave me a look, but me and Dean walked a little ways away, “I need dad’s journal.  Now.”

“What’s up your butt?”

“The journal!”

“Whatever,” Dean shrugged, handing it over.  He glanced over to Dahlia, while I immediately thought to my dream of Hannah, going to the page about Wendigos, “what’s going on, Sammy?”

“This!”

“Aw come on man,” Dean said with a half smirk, “Wendigos are in the Minnesota woods or northern Michigan.  I’ve never even heard of one this far west.”

“Think about it Dean,” I said swiftly, “the claws.  The way it can mimic a human voice…”

He almost didn’t want to believe it.  His jaw tightened as he processed what I was really saying, “great.”

“Dean…I had a dream on the way here.  Of Hannah.  She said she was here.  That it was a Wendigo.”

“you had a dream?  That’s how you came up with the idea of what we’re dealing with?  ” Dean asked, “do you know how you sound?”

“Crazy,” I said, “I know…but think about it Dean.”

“Well then this is useless,” he said, referring to the gun, “wait, if Hannah is magically popping up in dreams, why would she come to you?  Why not me?”

“If I knew what you dreamed about, I probably wouldn’t show up there either if I was a woman,” I laughed, handing him back the journal, and heading towards the group.  I turned around though,  “we gotta get these people to safety.  Wendigos are dangerous, Dean.”

Dean didn’t answer.  He just stood there.  I walked back to the camp, “alright, it’s time to go.  Things have gotten more complicated.  There’s no other options, here.  We have to get out of the woods.”

“What?” Hailey asked, looking worried.

“Kid, whatever is out there don’t worry.  I think I can handle it, “Roy said.  I looked at Dahlia and mouthed ‘Wendigo.’

Her eyes got wide. 

“It’s not me I’m worried about,” I said, “If you shoot this thing, you’re just gonna make it mad.  We have to leave.  Now.”

“One, you’re talking nonsense,” Roy growled, “two, you’re in no position to give anybody orders.  There isn’t any way I shoot this thing and it stays standing.  It’s a creature.  Creatures can be killed.”

“Relax,” Dean said in a commanding tone, “we’re not debating this.  Sammy is right!”

“Look we never should have let you come out here in the first place.  I’m trying to protect you.”

Roy started coming towards me, “you protect me?  I was hunting these woods when your mommy was still kissing you goodnight.”

“Yeah?” I asked, “it’s a damn near perfect hunter.  And it’s smarter than you. And it’s gonna hunt you down and eat you alive unless we get your stupid sorry ass out of here.”

The idiot began laughing in my face, “you know you’re crazy right?”

“yeah?  You ever hunt a we-“ I began but Dean and Dahlia pushed me away.

“Chill out,” Dean said, “he won’t get it.  Stop trying to make him understand it, Sammy.  Because we all know that no matter how well you reason with him, he won’t get it.”

Hailey began calling for Roy to get him to back down. 

Soon enough we were taking the lead.  Hailey had gotten Roy to calm down enough for us to give a basic idea of what was hunting us, without fully telling them.  Roy still insisted we were crazy. 

Dahlia’s POV

Roy was taken and I felt my ring glow. 

FUCK.

‘Dahlia,’ I could hear my uncle calling.  I put the ring on and vanished into the woods.  Roy watched his body go up into the trees, as the Wendigo disappeared.  Sam and Dean were blurred, but they tried to follow.  Finally, he turned to me.

“YOU!”

“They tried to warn you,” I said calmly.  He growled in anger and tried to attack me, but his soul pushed through me like air, “you can’t hurt me, Roy.”

He screamed in frustration as he hit the dirt.  His frustrated grunts became a strangled cry, “I wasn’t ready.  I didn’t want to go.”

“I know,” I sighed, sitting on the cold ground.  I patted his back, and offered my hand, “come with me, and I can show you the other side.”

“No,” he growled angrily, “I’m not trusting you, you little bitch!”

“I can’t force you,” I said, “but once I leave, you’ll be trapped in the woods forever.  There is no second offer.  When I leave, things will change…and it won’t be for the better.  You’ll forget your humanity over time.  I don’t think you want that to happen.”

“You don’t know what I want,” he groaned, “leave me here.   Leave me alone.”

“As you wish, Roy.” I sighed.  I turned my ring clockwise and was in front of my uncle.  He sat on a leather backed chair, checking names off a list. 

“He didn’t want to go with you?”

I shook my head, “no uncle.  I’m sorry.”

He sighed, striking the name through, “pity.  He was going to go upstairs.  Poor soul will be nothing more than a feral spirit soon enough.”

I didn’t respond. 

After a minute he looked up at me, “you only needed to get him…the rest of you are safe for the night.”

“Do you know where she is?”

He nodded, “she’s close.”

“Is...is she?”

“Going to die?”

I nodded.

“No.  Not here my dear.  My daughter should live quite the long life, provided everything goes according to plan.”

“What does that mean?”

“Now is not the time for questions,” he said, “go back before they notice that you are missing.”

Dean’s POV

When I woke up, I was strung up in what looked like an abandoned mineshaft.  My vision was kind of fuzzy, and my head was killing me. 

“hey, you okay?”

“Ugh,” I groaned, “yeah.”

From beside me Ben was trying to wake Hailey up.  Sammy cut me down and Ben did the same for his sister.  Dahlia helped Ben get Hailey into the corner.  We followed.

“Oh my god,” I heard Dahlia whisper, “are they…alive?”

I looked to see Hailey, Ben, and Sam halfway over to Tommy.  His head was hanging down, as he was strung up.  My eyes went to the petite blonde hanging beside him.  I could see a gash on her shoulder, and dried blood caked down her neck and chest. 

Hailey called for her brother, as Dahlia cut Hannah down.

“Han..Hannah,” I gasped, wanting to go over to her.  Fear gripped my body.  I couldn’t see her chest moving, “Hannah, wake up.  HANNAH!”

I heard a gasp, but it was Tommy who had woken up.  It scared Hailey momentarily, but Sammy cut him down.  Dahlia carried Hannah over to me and  was doing CPR when she took a heavy breath.  Hannah immediately shifted to her side and coughed up some blood. 

When she rolled onto her back, she gave an exhausted smile, “Dean?  I’m not hallucinating again, am I?  You’re here to save us?”

I shook my head, moving some of her hair from her face, “I’m here sweetheart.”

She took a few deep breaths and closed her eyes.  I could see tears causing streaks of blood to melt away from her face.  I reached into the pack beside me, and pushed myself up, happy that I’d found flare guns. 

“Those will work!” Sammy smiled.

Together we formulated a plan.  I walked out front with Sammy watching my side.  Dahlia was carrying Hannah, and Ben was supporting his older siblings.  We didn’t make it far in our ascent through the mineshaft before we heard growling.  Sammy immediately came beside me and held up a flare gun. 

“Looks like someone’s home for supper.”

“We’ll never outrun it,” Hailey whined, “it’ll catch us!”

I looked at her, before looking to my brother, “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Stay with Sam,” I said stepping out front, “he’s gonna get you out of here.”

“What are you gonna do?” Hailey asked.

“Dean?” Hannah asked. My heart ached at how worried she looked for me.

“I’ll be fine sweetheart.  Stay with Dahlia, okay,” I smiled, with a wink.  Before I could regret it, I began running, attracting the Wendigo, “It’s Chow time you freaking bastard.  YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, BRING IT ON BABY.  I TASTE GOOD!”

I quickly pushed ahead, and flagged Sam and the rest of the group to go another way, before heading down my path. 

“RIGHT OVER HERE!” I yelled, hearing the growling coming closer. I made my way down a long corridor, trying to goad him towards me, “HEY YOU WANT SOME WHITE MEAT, BITCH!  I’M RIGHT HERE.”

I heard screaming and Sam yelling, so I ran.  I gave it all my might when I heard Sam discharge his flare gun. 

SHIT!

I ran until the screaming stopped, and I could see the Wendigo had cornered them.

“HEY!”

It turned around and I aimed for his chest.  It was a perfect shot as I caught him.  The flare ignited the body and it burned. 

“Not bad, huh?”

I gave a crooked smile to the group.  In the back I could see Dahlia supporting Hannah.  As they got past me, I noticed Hailey had stayed behind.

“You weren’t looking for your father, were you?”

“What?”

“That girl,” she said with a smirk, “she’s the same one that pretended to be an activist.  Told me to get Tommy out of the woods in the first place…you really do know her?”

“I guess you could say that.”

She got a coy grin on her face, and I raised a brow at her, “Does she mean something to you?  Is she really your girlfriend?”

“It’s not li-“

“You don’t have to lie.”

“She’s a family friend,” I admitted, “she does the same thing we do.  My dad had actually gone to track her, because she was trying to follow something bigger.  If we got to her before my dad did, I don’t have a clue where he could be.”

“Are you gonna tell her how you feel?”

“What?”

“That girl?” she asked, walking past me, towards the other voices, “she clearly likes you too.”

“Hannah doesn’t feel that way,” I said without thinking, “I kissed her a few months ago and she hasn’t said a word to me since.”

“Really?” she asked, “because your name was the first one to cross her lips.  When your friend Dahlia cut her down, and got her in the corner, the first thing she did was hug you.  You didn’t notice that?”

“We’ve always been close.”

“Well you are the one that mattered to her in that moment.  So, maybe you should take it for what it is…”

Chapter 13

#supernatural #sam winchester #dean winchester #angels #demons #at death's door

[redmoonrises]

most to least likely to shoot themselves in the foot

(also i cant stop thinking of aus can i just name an au and then ask a question likefor example: modern au! most likely to least likely to start a conspiracy thread)

i mean most of them are actually pretty competent with their weapons of choice and would presumably be smarter than this... that being said guns aren't most peoples' weapons of choice, let's go!

dapper- 10/10 does it on purpose to prove a point (no one knows what point he's trying to prove) patchwork- 10/10 wouldn't know how a gun works the first time she gets ahold of one sooo verne- 10/10 "see, regeneration powers! . . . why are you looking at me like that" hailey- 9/10 doesn't use weapons and wouldn't know what a gun is fafnir- 7/10 accidents happen during experimentation record- 6/10 i think her luck's bad enough for that synth- 4/10 not familiar with guns but cautious enough to probably avoid it. maybe lucien- 1/10 follows gun safety but it's more likely to happen to him than jay or adrian rupee- 0/10 who needs guns when you have a flaming sword? iden- 0/10 it's just not likely rev- 0/10 doesn't generally use guns but would know how to handle one safely baron- 0/10 he wouldn't use a gun he can't hold one properly darkjay- 0/10 she's probably at least partially trained in every weapon she can get her hands on jay- 0/10 follows gun safety adrian- 0/10 follows gun safety and reminds others to do so mixtape- 0/10 actually knows how to use a gun which surprises everyone whit- 0/10 he's not allowed to have a gun c.c.- 0/10

also yeah that would be interesting :eyes: the way creaturae works there wouldn't be able to be any 'canon' aus of it (well except for one but it's complicated) however what if scenarios are fun! and might tell more about the characters than one would think :3

#gen rambles #creaturae

[anendoandfriendo]

Anyways, we've learned a lot from Raymond even in the short time it was fronting, earlier last week, so that's always fun. These were all from a conversation they were having with someone else in a server:

[Ugh. Sorry. Typos. Hailey meant something about the difference between splits and soulbonds (again). Some of us absolutely talk like people already get it and...we're working on it, I promise should've done something about that before we became adults. Hm. Anyways, l feel like there would have always been five or six of us (compared to...over the 300 here right now, if I'd have known that I would have stayed out here in middle school).

So, like, it was me, Christina, Kelly, Ricky, and Christopher I believe. Ricky literally faded to black/into the background like a chameleon when I told him we were moving and to keep an eye on Christina and Kelly, which I now understand to have been folks going into dormancy and potentially fusing (which is why you only see us talk about Christina a lot).

Now, what's getting us us Ricky, who we only know to have not been a "real" person based on neurotypical point of views because he has no preschool or kindergarten or fiest grade yearbook picture (that is...apparently a thing from back then). Well. He pops out of the woodwork maybe last year just to tell us he is "not an original any longer" which confuses the hell out of most of us, but consider for a moment that he never once took front for us, but still manage to have his own opinions, ideas, etc. and even strongly projected onto the environment (even if he never directly interacted with it).]

[He was really similar to Christopher in that way but younger.

Anyways, makes me wonder if our brain was/is a pitstop or not. Our mother once suggested he was a ghost (ooo) but we have never seen anything like him, or Chris, ever since (and Chris is still like...gone, which is damn sad).

We have our own headspace that's rather disconnected to our frontspace, which is how you get disconnected bases of knowledge (like Hailey talking about, ah, looking at/skimming through this I'm getting she talked about Gillian/{redacted} and then how somehow most of our SB's are accidental?) and sometimes our brain just does not comprehend the ether very well, unfortunately.

So, that's how we have so many people here. We're not all conscious at once the way most folks define it. I would have to move this to {redacted} or {redacted} if I were to delve into more detail.]

[1. Oh yeah, that's a short enough question to answer.

{in reference to dormancy} It's dark. Just...dark, for us. We guess it's because of the infirmary or whatever, (cw death ment.) but there's also a graveyard for people who are functionally dead but not really so take that how you will.

2. Yeah, that's basically it {in reference to the idea of originals}. It's always been more than one of us, (cw fusion that could be considered of the final sorts...or not) but it's complicated because Christina Kelliana is a very obvious fusion between two sisters I used to know...I don't knowbhow to feel about it. Everyone talks like fusion is or isn't death in the plural community. I think we may have accidentally stoked the dames a bit because of our system's Twitter visibility but we only meant to talk about our experiences personally. Ugh. People will always pull a generalization away from something that wasn't meant in that way, huh?]

[agent-bash]

this is random but I just saw your post about how the drug bust is not enough for kevin, kim, and adam to be meritoriously promoted and I completely agree but I was just wondering what are your theories on what hailey could have done to get promoted like that

I mean, don't get me wrong, the bust is huge. And I definitely think they should be recognized for it. But there are several factors people aren't considering when saying meritorious promotion. This includes the lack of urgency and the immediate threat to life, city or property. As well as any actions by them that go above and beyond the call of duty. But again, if it is the route the writers go, I'll deal.

As to Hailey, I've had so many thoughts over the years. My latest one is that she was UC in some crime family. There were rumblings that something big was about to go down as retaliation against the mayor. Every one of the family's businesses had been hit with random inspections: by the health department, the building inspectors, Fire Marshall, and half of them had been shut down. And the boss's son had been arrested for bribing a city official.

It was crossed wires, two investigations that had overrun each other. Not enough to bring down the family and wreck Hailey's near year of work. But an annoyance nonetheless, and something that made a lot of dangerous paranoid people more so. A year in, and she'd gone from working at one of the family's bars (a front for one of their gambling operations) to being one of their gophers. Her hackles went up when on her list alongside construction materials were wires, nails and ball bearings. Not unusual things, but things that had never been on her list before. Things she knew could be used in something like a bomb. She'd been right. On the night of the Mayor's end-of-year ball, she followed some of the family to the hotel where it was being held. Followed them at a distance through the belly of the hotel and watched as they rigged the device to the gas lines. It was set to a timer, one that would go off right as the mayor was making their speech when the room was likely to be the most packed. Not that that mattered; between the gas lines and the amount of c4, the bomb would probably level half the block. She backed off to make the call, but the bomb squad wasn't going to make it in time. Her handler told her to get out. They'd start an evacuation, but it wasn't going to be enough, and they all knew it. So once they were able to determine there was no radio relay on the bomb, Hailey set up her camera and had the bomb squad talk her through defusing it. It was hair-raising; the device was a lot more complicated than she'd been expecting. But in a true action movie sequence, she did it with about a second to spare. She got her detectives star, and never wanted to be around another bomb again. And we all know how that's worked out for her over the years.

#asked and answered #Sorry for the almost mini fic here Nonny #Hailey Upton #Tell us how she was promoted thanks!

[maschotch]

I have such complicated feelings about Derek this whole episode ughhhh

For one, he went through something ridiculously traumatic and most of the team cared more about how he treated them than how he felt. He obviously went through something horrifically traumatic, on the verge of being killed and watching two people die in front of him while he was powerless, that's fucking awful even with no context of the trauma he had connected to it. I feel like that would be obvious to most people, especially profilers and just grown ass adults who have trauma from viewing deaths themselves

Especially buck wild that Penelope wouldn't be more empathetic towards him, not just because of their relationship but because he LITERALLY SPENT ALL OF THE TIME TWO EPISODES AGO COMFORTING HER BECAUSE SHE WAS BREAKING DOWN AFTER SEEING SOMEONE BE MURDERED and it wasn't even someone she knew. Yes, he's a profiler and views these things more and would naturally react less extremely than her, and yes I guess he shouldn't have yelled at her, but like come on its weird to me she responds the way she does in light of how he treats her in the same situation during exit wounds

On the other hand, some of the team empathizes with him. Emily definitely does the best, and Rossi doesn't hurt as much, but hotch definitely tried to help in his own stand-offish way because he knew Morgan wouldn't respond well to confrontation. And he has to take his frustrations out on him even when he's just trying to help

Yeah Morgan did his paper work but I don't see how outside of that the team was expressly "there for him" when Hailey died. I get he's passionate but it seems so fucked up that he would throw that experience back in hotchs face to get what he wants, especially putting the teams behavior towards him after foyet on a pedestal when in reality while they tried to not hurt him, i wouldn't say any of them really had his back, especially when Derek was the one openly criticizing him the whole time and arguing with him

It's also not fair to compare hotch killing foyet to Derek killing Flynn in my opinion. I think Derek compares it like it's the same situation, but I honestly think it was kind of fucked up for Derek to kill him? Hotch was angry when he killed foyet, but i truly believe he did it because he knew if foyet got back up he wouldn't stop until he killed Jack. I don't think Flynn threatened dereks life at all. He was just pissed and wanted revenge on him, which is not the same. Also the fact foyett killed hotchs first love and long-term wife while Flynn killed a detective and his sister that Derek had met like a week ago lol

there's just something a little gross to me about the show trying to make it seem like morgan has to much to apologize for when he hasn't dont anything wrong, or at least not anything that isnt understandable. bc yeah kajsdhg jhe just went through a fucking trauma... he watched a dad get murdered in front of his daughter (the same shit that happened to him when he was a kid) and now the killer's taken the kid and who knows how long she has before she's killed. akjsdhlg seems a little stressful lmao makes sense that he'd be a little snippy.

but nooo instead lets make light of the situation and laugh about how he's upset. or in the company episode lets yell at him for being selfish and remind him that he's entirely responsible for finding his cousin. or in exit wounds when he's just trying to find out if garcia saw anything important, he's actually completely out of line and being totally inappropriate by... asking her question s

penelope reid and jj all act like he's being completely ridiculous and ignroing the shit he went through like a couple hours ago. hotch and emily at least seem a little more empathetic, which is nice, but considering that morgan's closer w penelope reid and jj it seems particularly fucked up that they're the ones who don't seem to give a shit about him or his feelings. especially since he's so attentive to their mental wellbeing.

i agree that morgan crossed a line when he threw the foyet thing in hotch's face, but truthfully i'm not that surprised. considering how morgan acted during that whole thing, it makes sense to me that he'd be insensitive about it. morgan was the one who was openly antagonistic towards hotch during foyet: questioning every decision, doubting every action, etc. and i think its suuuuuper interesting that morgan sees nothing wrong w the way he handled that. especially bc we know he's capable of being supportive (even in cases where the person is being an idiot about it, like reid in memoriam), its fascinating that morgan can look back on how he treated hotch and say that he had his back. like... if that was morgan being supportive, it makes me wonder what morgan actually wanted to do in that situation

morgan killing flynn and hotch killing foyet aren't the same at all.... but there's so much different about both situations that idek if you could even really compare them. foyet was an unsub whose personal mission was to make hotch as miserable as possible; flynn wasn't after morgan at all, even in the end. foyet said "i surrender" and hotch continued to beat him to death w his bare hands; morgan said "if you point your gun at them (the hostages) i'll kill you" and flynn raised his gun and morgan shot. hotch knew that there was no convincing foyet to stop; morgan didnt even try, even when flynn was having a change of heart. foyet wanted to see what hotch would do, how far hotch would go, what hotch was capable of; flynn wanted to die and knew morgan would kill him. i dont think morgan killing flynn was as emotional or dramatic as hotch killing foyet, but i dont think it was as justified either

overall, i just dont think this episode was written well. it was suppposed to be a morgan ep, but it was more about some random white guy. nearly everyone belittled morgan the whole time and the most compelling part of the ep was this little girl taking on this guy by herself (which then they completely ignored so jj could have her stupid little speech). jakshflkad i dont usually like criminal minds two parters/finales anyway, so idk if i like this more or less than the others, but theyre definitely episodes i typically skip on a rewatch

#asks #cm crit

[storystartsanew]

Flashback Double Para: Fixer Upper

Harper pulls up to the barn with a hesitant sigh. Perry, of all people, sits next to her in the vehicle almost vibrating with a quiet excitement. It’s a weird sort of energy in conjunction with her own apprehension and fear. She wishes it was James sitting next to her, about to step into this adventure. But he’s not okay, and she won’t retraumatize him for this. She’ll get it working, get it out of the barn, and then she’ll tell him. In the meantime, she needs help. Almost no one she knows, knows how to handle the tech used to make their space ships. Perry had been a stroke of luck, honestly. James trained them himself, and they’re an Engineer. Perfect combination, right?

Perry opens the door tentatively. “Just in there, you said?” 

Harper nods. They get out of the car and bolt to the door. It makes sense, honestly. Harper’s own excitement bubbles just under the surface. There’s something intoxicating about knowing the stars are just within their reach. “Hey, wait up!” She closes her car door and follows them down to the entrance. 

Being here feels… strange. There’s a sense of finality hanging in the air over everything. She barely remembers any of it. Mostly flashes and feelings. The ship is the one thing she does remember vividly. Seeing it for the first time was breathtaking, even in as rough shape as it is. She wants to go to the stars, wants to escape this world and go be on her own for a while. At least, as alone as she can be. 

Perry gets to the barn before her, and she hears the gasp of excitement and awe that comes out of their mouth when they see it. Harper has to chuckle. She still has to stop when she gets inside. It’s in pieces, still miles away from being flyable. But it is magnificent. 

The blueprints are still sitting out from where they were left. Perry is already rummaging through them, reading what they can of the plans. It’s in a language she wasn’t sure they could read, but they seem to understand some of it. 

They look up at her with a wild grin. “Holy shit. It’s. It’s space travel. Like honest to gods, Space. Travel. I can make this work.” 

Harper finally, finally cracks a small grin. “Awesome. Can you read those? I didn’t think James would’ve-”

“No, no. I can’t read the words. At least not most of them. He taught me a little, but nothing much. The symbols though. Hailey taught me how to do the basic math. It’s a Base-9 system, which is so fucky compared to Base-10, anyways. I can read the math. It’s a lot, and I’ll definitely need help with translations. But I can do it.” 

Harper walks over to the table and looks over the papers with them. “We can do it.” 

“We can do it.” Perry smiles and throws their arm around her in a side hug. Harper chuckles, but doesn’t push them away. It’s nice, in an odd way. It’s not a friendship she expected to have, but it’s one she’s enjoying. 

They grab a wrench off the table, slide it into their pocket, and head to the ship itself. They look it over intensely and thoroughly. “Hey do you have a pen and paper?” They ask.

Harper scrambles around to find one. “Yes!” She finds a stray pencil and turns one of the blueprints over. There’s already handwritten notes on the back, so she finds a clear space to write theirs. “What do you need me to write down?”

Perry spouts off numbers and letters, seemingly at random. “It’s a code. I’ll teach it to you if you want. I just needed a shorthand as a kid for some of this stuff. It’s a bit more complicated than just this, but I bastardized it a while back so I could dictate it to people who didn’t know it.” 

Harper writes it all down furiously, doing her best to keep up. At the explanation, she smiles and nods. The linguist in her can’t help but think it’s pretty cool. “Yeah, that’d be cool. I teach you a language, you teach me one. Seems only fair.” 

They work like that for hours. Perry doing or seeing something and having Harper write it down. They sort through all the pieces left in various piles into what they think is usable, what is fixable, and what is junk. Harper helps identify part numbers, looking on the schematics for names of parts and where they go. They only stop when it finally gets too dark to see. 

#blast from the past: harper #insanity or perspective: perry potts

[justmypartner]

Still Breathing: Chapter 15

Summary: AU | When a case goes sideways, Hailey wakes up in the hospital with a revelation that leaves her evaluating her life. While she recovers at Med, she meets Jay, an aloof, yet intriguing patient that catches her by surprise. The two get to know one another as they take on the task of rediscovering what it’s like to truly live, and eventually learn their lives intersect in more ways than one.

Writer’s Note: Hi all!! I continue to be so in shock of the love for this story. I can’t thank you enough for continuing to follow the rollercoaster of a journey I’ve created for these two. This chapter is pure fluff, and I really enjoyed writing it. It can only go up from here... or can it? Time will tell. Happy reading!!

Read on AO3 or below

“Hails!”

Hailey’s head shot up as she exited the locker room, turning towards the voice as hurried footsteps approached her from down the hall.

“Hey, sorry I’ve been wanting to check up with you all day, but I didn’t really get the chance,” Kim said, bringing her hands to her hips as she reset her breathing.

“I wanted to apologize for last night. I shouldn’t have brought up your uc name. I didn’t mean to— “

“Oh, no worries. I’m all good,” Hailey interrupted, an aggressive head shake overcompensating for the fib.

The knowing look on Kim’s face and the way her lips led way to a supportive grin told Hailey she saw right through the her. The polite challenge caused her to bite the inside of her cheek, forcing a smile back as silence fell upon them.

“You know you don’t have to put on a brave face with me. If you need help carrying that day, I’m here for you. You know that, right?”

The offer softened her demeanor, and she shifted her weight to one leg as she let the words simmer. As she had learned the night before, transparency wasn’t as scary an idea as it seemed in her head. She recognized how easy and assuring it was to finally tell Jay, and that made the idea of opening up to the team seem easier to face. She readjusted her bag on her shoulder, shoving her hands that had become unsteady deep into her pockets.

“I haven’t exactly had the easiest time dealing with that day, but I am dealing with it. I’m in therapy, and it’s helping. Last night was just… a fluke. I really do appreciate you, though. Truly. I don’t think I’ve ever had people in my life look out for me the way you all do.”

“We’re family. That’s what family does, right?” 

She smiled as if she agreed, but she knew there wasn’t any part of her that truly understood what a family should or should not be. Instead of an insincere concession, she just reached a hand over appreciatively to rest on Kim’s arm. 

“Walk out with you?” Kim asked, bringing an arm to wrap around Hailey’s shoulders. She nodded back, grinning from ear to ear as they sauntered towards the stairs together.

“By the way, this whole you and Jay thing, I still can’t get over it.”

“That shocked you more than the cancer, huh?”

“Well, I find it’s easier to focus on the happier things.”

Hailey scrunched her nose up at the woman, folding her lips into a half-smile as they continued outside to head home. 

“How are you doing with that by the way?” Kim asked, pulling away from her once they reached their cars. “I can’t imagine it’s all been easy.”

Hailey paused a moment, flashing through all of their moments together, focusing on how complicated and perfect their relationship had been. Ultimately, a smile grew across her face as she looked up at the woman.

“I find it’s easier to focus on the happier things,” she recited back jokingly, glossing over the speed bumps that did initially stand in their way. 

“Really though, I have to just believe things are going to be okay and take it all one day at a time. We met each other at the perfect time, and I wouldn’t change anything if I could. He’s worth every second.”

“Okay, maybe Adam was right. You guys are disgusting,” she teased, a smile growing across her face. “But I love it, and I couldn’t be happier for you both.”

Hailey’s cheek dimpled into a shy smile. 

“Thanks, sis. See you tomorrow?”

“For sure.”

— — — — 

“Jay, where the hell are you dragging me?” Hailey groaned, slight amusement in the undertone of her voice.

She stumbled over her feet, steadying herself against Jay’s hand as he dragged her down the street to an undisclosed location.

When she pulled up at her place that evening, he was outside waiting for her.

“We’re going somewhere,” he stated plainly. Used to his shenanigans, though skeptical of his surprises, she reluctantly agreed.

When he parked and turned the car off, he ran around to her door and instructed her to close her eyes. That instruction took more convincing, but a few pleases and a stern look or two were enough to make her cave.

“How much further?”

“We’re almost there. Stop complaining.”

“But your hands are cold,” she laughed.

He halted their movement and pulled her in by her waist, causing her to clumsily stumble into his chest. He then brought their linked hands up, cupping her hand between his as he blew his warm breath onto it.

Her lips tipped upward, her eyes still closed as she melted under the gesture.

“Better?”

“Kinda.”

“Well, we’re here.”

She opened her eyes, blinking rapidly at the bright lights of a neon sign in the storefront window before them.

Tattoos.

She took in the shop before looking back at him who met her with mischief on his face.

“How’d you—“

He reached into his pocket, pulling out a familiar sheet of yellow paper as her smile fell into a frown. She snatched the list from him, pursing her lips together as he eyed her coyly.

“I may have snagged that from your coffee table last night.”

“Ranger, detective, and a thief. Got it,” she goaded.

“Ha ha,” he laughed dryly. “After yesterday, I just figured you needed a reminder of why you made that list in the first place. I took it upon myself to choose something, and I kept going back to that one,” he said, pointing at the item on the list that said, get a tattoo.

He might as well have reached into her chest and tugged on her heart in that moment. It was one of the things that made her fall in love with him. His ability to read her. To be there and so easily make things better even after it felt like her world was falling apart.

“Well, what are you thinking? Tramp stamp? Barbed wire around your bicep? No, I know, my name down your spine.”

“Ah huh, very cute. It’s a surprise though,” she mocked. She turned back towards the shop before glancing over at him once more. “Does this mean you’re getting a tattoo also?”

“I’ll be getting something,” he said cryptically. She snickered at the way his eyebrows danced with the words.

“I thought you hated needles.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“Alright, after you then,” she said, gesturing for him to enter first. He nodded, pulling the door open for her before following inside.

Hailey never planned on getting a tattoo. She’d always admired the stories and art behind them, but she never felt she had an idea compelling enough to put on her body forever. That was until she met Jay and gained the idea for the still breathing list. She wanted a reminder to be intentional with her life — a reminder that would stick with her for the rest of her life.

In order to keep their designs a surprise, they went to different sides of the shop. The design she’d chosen was quick, so it wasn’t long before the artist had given her the all-clear to have a look.

“So?” she heard Jay ask as she eyed the new ink in the mirror.

“What do you think?” she inquired, turning around to show him.

On the left side of her rib cage was a small word in black script — αναπνέω.

“What does it mean?” he asked, bringing his thumb to leisurely trail along the pinked skin, sending charges of heat through her body.

“It means breathe in Greek. It felt fitting considering what you’ve helped to remind me over these past few months,” she said, causing his eyes to raise up at her. She noticed how massive his pupils looked as his eyes melted into hers, something she had recently noticed as a common occurrence when he was around her.

“I love it. How do you say it?”

“Ana-pn-eo.”

“Hm, I like the sound of that,” he hummed.

“Yeah? Maybe I’ll have to teach you some Greek one day.”

He smiled, brushing over the tattoo once more before she pulled her shirt back down.

“So? What’d you get?”

He paused, grinning cheekily before pulling his left arm out of his shirt. Underneath the scar on his shoulder was her name in wispy writing. Her eyes widened, and she took a step back as her eyes darted between the tattoo and his face in shock.

“Oh my God. Jay what—“

“Well, like the bullet that tore through my shoulder, you’ve left a permanent mark on me and changed my life forever. I wanted to remember that always,” he shrugged, but there was a sneaky look in his eyes she couldn’t quite place.

She approached him hesitantly, looking at him with disbelief as she brought a finger to brush along his skin.

“Jay, the thought is so sweet, but why wou—“ she interrupted herself with a scoff as the ink rubbed off with the brush of her finger. 

Her face dropped into a frown as she shoved at his chest and he tried to hopelessly fight off a grin that eventually faded into a throaty laugh.

“Real funny,” she said with a sarcastic bite.

“I thought it was,” he stammered between laughs.

“I’m not actually allowed to get a tattoo. The needles and all aren’t a good idea with my immune system. This is just transfer ink.”

“You said you were getting a tattoo.”

“I said I was getting something. Never said it was a tattoo,” he specified, the grin on his face never faltering as she continued to force a snarl at him.

“This scared you for a minute though, didn’t it?” he laughed, pointing at the smeared ink under his collarbone before putting his arm back through his shirt.

She shook her head, bringing him close by his waist as she grinned up at him.

“I mean, I definitely thought it was ridiculous,” she admitted as she raised on her toes.

“But the story did kinda make my heart skip a little,” she breathed out against his lips before leaving a peck against them.

“Oh yeah?” Well, when I’m all healthy again…” he began.

She couldn’t hide the pride she felt every time he used a when instead of an if. Though she also couldn’t wait until the day when his statement was true. When he was healthy again. When she wasn’t worried every time she got a random phone call during the day, when her heart didn’t stop every time he needed to catch his breath, and when their lives were no longer statements of ifs and whens.

“Maybe I’ll get that tattoo for real,” he finished, eliciting a chuckle out of her.

“As much as I appreciate the sentiment, we are not that sort of couple,” she said, patting his chest before pulling away to grab her coat.

“I may get something one day. Maybe not as direct as that, but something. The tattoo may have been a joke, but I wasn’t kidding when I said you’ve left a permanent mark on me, Hailey Upton.”

She hated the way he said things so deep like that so nonchalantly. It caught her off guard and paralyzed her with emotion. Though as much as she hated it, she also loved it. She loved the way her heart would fall into her stomach. She loved how he’d give her that innocent look as if he were completely unaware of the grip he had on her. It was painfully endearing, and it only made her heart beat for him that much more.

“I love you,” she told him, clearing her throat to cover the way his words had her choked up.

“I love you too,” he smiled back.

“So, that’s another thing crossed off your list. Does it make you feel like you’re still breathing?” he asked as he pulled his jacket on over his shoulders.

“Not the list, you. You make me feel like I’m still breathing,” she beamed at him, poking a finger into his chest.

She could tell by the look on his face that it was a rare occasion that she’d caught him by surprise, but he played it off with a smile and brought a hand to rest against her face. She relaxed against the touch, and he leaned down to press his lips to the side of her temple.

“Same here,” he muttered against her skin. “Same here.”

#upstead #jay x hailey #hailey x jay #jay halstead #hailey upton #chicago pd #upstead fic #justmypartner fics #collection of Em’s fics

[fruitoftheweek]

BAU Early 2000s Music Head-cannons:

I love 2005. Like everything about it, including the trashy club music of the time. So whenever I read a CM fic set in the early seasons and they are at ladies night or at the club, I can’t help but imagine Morgan fist pumping and grinding to like Usher. Or Spencer sitting awkwardly at a table listening to ‘Hotel Room Service’ by pitbull and being like “this song is kind of degrading,” while Garcia is like “Yeah! But who cares, it’s so good!” Here are my music head cannons of early season music playlists.

Elle Greenaway is a bad bad bitch who supports other bad bitches. She listens to Megan the Stallion now, but in the 2000s she was all about the bad bitches of that time. I’m talking Shakira, I’m talking TLC, I’m talking Missy Elliot. 2005 was the year hips don’t lie came out and your know Elle woulda bumped that shit. Also paramour because Hailey Williams is a bad bitch and Misery business is a bop.

JJ wouldn’t be too much into club bangers, proffering Nelly Furtato’s softer songs, but you know in 2006 when she came out with Maneater, miss Jennifer Jareau had the time of her life on the dance floor. I’m thinking she would like more of the soft female singer song writer type stuff and verging into the later 2000s probably some Bon Iver, Christina Perri stuff. And she definitely had the Twilight soundtrack in her car.

Miss Penelope Garcia was a Ke$ha super fan. She would know all the words, she would remember every music video, maybe even have some merch. Garcia is not trashy but there is an undeniable charm to Ke$has style that she loves. She would also probably listen to some of the songs that Morgan showed her, like some of the more popular Flo-Rida, Nelly, and Akon songs. Also, definitely Lady Gaga later into the decade and Born this way would be a spiritual awakening for her in 2011.

We all know Morgan is smooth with the ladies but I can’t help but think he would really take a few dancing tips from Jersey Shore. He would fist pump and when he was super drunk you could convince him to like beatbox or breakdance or some shit because he’s kinda nerdy but also weirdly pulls it off. He would fucking love Akon, lil John, early Kanye, Rick Ross, Waka Flaka, and of course the king of 2000s r&b and rap, Lil Wayne. That was all in the club of course but there was a secret cd in his glovebox of Avril Lavigne because “that little white girl really feels it.” And on bad day he’ll roll down the windows on the highway and plays ‘Complicated’ on repeat.

I’ve talked about Spencer before but I love it. He likes all music but the idea that he only listens to classical is so off. He wears converse, sweater vests, and is a Comicon nerd. Those are the foundations for early 2005 emo. Most people think of emo as swoopy hair and black clothes but that is more 2008-2013 emo. Early emo was just nerdy people having fun making music together. They tended to be misfits because they were geeky rather than edgy. I think he would listen to some more obscure artists like boa or American Football but his favorite album is ‘From Under the Cork Tree’ by Fall Out Boy and he loves their music. I recommend every Spencer fan listen to that album in full. It’s so fucking good. And while I fucking hate weezer, like most 2000s nerdy virgin guys, he probably had a Weezer faze, sorry ladies.

I don’t know if anyone else had hipster dads in the 2000s but Aaron Hotchner is totally an early hipster. He would love OK Go, Belle & Sebastian, Animal Collective, Regina Spektor and Deathcab for Cutie. He also definitely liked Gorillaz and Vampire Weekend before it was cool. He would also love nostalgic music like bauhaus and The Smiths and stuff he listened to when he was younger. I can imagine him showing Spencer songs that he thinks he would like and even if Spencer had heard it before, he would smile and pretend like he hadn’t because he knew that Hotch loved to feel like he had a very unique playlist.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds smut #spencer reid angst #sub spencer #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid blurb #spencer reid fluff #aaron hotchner #Penelope Garcia #elle greenaway #derek morgan #jj #jenifer jareau

[anniesardors]

Hi, how are you? I hope you fine!

Rick Eid answered this question: HOW DOES DETECTIVE JAY HALSTEAD RESPOND TO UPTON'S PROPOSE?

Eid: DISTRAUGHT AFTER KILLING BURGESS'S UN-ARMED SHOOTER UPTON - WHO REJECTED HER LIVE IN BOYFRIEND'S PROPOSAL NOT TO LONG AGO - POPPED THIS QUESTION!

"He's very much in love, but also awake that he's in love with a "complicated person", said Eid.

He'll take his time to determine where the proposal is coming from"...

To be honest, I found this definition of "complicated person" appealing (and unfair)... Hailey is going through her astral hell and it seems to me she's needs all Jay's support more than ever!

I want to believe that Eid is just trying to create a liitle drama and tension atmosphere to give a liitle extra emotion, because if he really thinks that way, it's very sad!

What's your thoughts on this Rick Eid statement?

Hey friend. So, this answer turned into a whole long therapist rant that you probably were not asking for so fair warning.

I am not a huge fan of Eid's response. Are people complicated? Maybe. But I think a better term would be complex. There's less of a negative connotation. Everyone is complex. Humans are so incredibly complex in so many ways. It's a good thing. But what Eid did (or how it came across at least) is use complicated as an insult or in a negative light. Hailey's complicated because of her trauma history. Hailey's complicated because she has struggled with relationships. Hailey is complicated because of the proposal.

So, here is where I am going to get on my therapist soapbox and say we are not going to start calling people complicated because 1) they have a trauma history and 2) they are having valid trauma responses. Does Hailey have difficulty trusting? Yes. Is that a learned response from her upbringing and actually something that kept her safe in her environment? Also yes. Does that make her this big bad complicated thing. No.

Did Hailey propose to Jay in a state of shock? Yes. Did Hailey also just go through something so traumatic that she went into a dissociative state and she clung onto Jay her safety for dear life? Yes.

Doesn't sound super complicated to me? I'm gonna pull out the whole professional opinion thing here and say her responses make a whole lot of sense. But what do I know? I only work with trauma 40+ hours a week.

It's responses like this that drive me crazy. Hailey is a complex character because she is smart and she is driven and she is unapologetic. She is incredibly empathetic and she yes at times she is afraid of love and struggles in relationships, but she still is trying and fighting for her own happiness.

What she isn't? Complicated because she went through several traumatic events and is having normal responses. How about as a whole we stop telling people who have a trauma history or struggle in relationships that they are complicated? What if we focused on people's strengths, their complexity, their worth, not the ways they are complicated?

Furthermore, I highly doubt Jay is sitting there thinking Hailey's complicated. Jay isn't aware that he's in love with a "complicated person." He's aware he's in love with Hailey. All the parts of Hailey. She's worth it. She's more than her trauma and she's more than her "complicated" parts. She's a person.

So that's my long way of saying I don't like his response. Therapist rant over. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

#asks #Annie gets on her therapist soapbox tag #chicago pd #Hailey upton #jay halstead #upstead

[fandomcelery]

Feelings are complicated, aren't they?

Pairing: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce

Word Count: 2107

Rating: Teens and Up

Tags: Sexuality Crisis, Internalized Homophobia, Pining

Beta: @useless-fanfictions helped me out a lot on this fic, especially since I'm just starting out writing, so a big thanks to them!

Summary: Walking next to Brittany felt normal and right, but at that moment it felt slightly wrong. A bunch of questions were running through her mind. Was she acting differently? Was it obvious that something was off? Oh god, does everyone think that she’s gay?

Or, the one where Santana realizes she might have feelings for Brittany and panics over it.

Read it on Ao3

For the Glee Character "This-or-That" Challenge: @gleethisorthatchallenge

Prompt: Sharing a bed or Sexuality Crisis

The way Santana feels around Brittany is normal, right? Sure, she’s never felt it for any other person—not even any of her previous boyfriends—but it’s a completely normal feeling. And yeah, okay, she also defends Brittany all the time when people insult or make fun of her, and when Brittany sticks up for her and is always by her side, she can never stop smiling. She always feels warm whenever she compliments her about literally anything that she’s wearing, or how her hair looks that day, or really anything that makes Santana feel pretty.

There’s also the fact that they have sex regularly even though they’re in relationships with guys who would willingly have sex with them as well, but that’s different. It must be different, because if it’s not—

No, it’s not an option for it to not be anything but platonic. It’s got to be, it just has to be.

Even though Santana hates when people flirt with Brittany and will usually try to scare them off when others aren’t looking. Or when they get into fights or arguments, big or small, she feels like shit when she can’t talk to Brittany, and then that means they can’t have their sweet lady kisses that make Santana feel like they are the only two people left on the entire planet.

Feelings are complicated, aren’t they?

As long as she always stands her ground, keeping their relationship just friends, and convincing Brittany—and a little bit of herself—that even though they’re in relationships they can have sex and it’s not cheating because they’re both girls, she will be fine. She just has to keep telling herself that their relationship isn’t anything, that they’re strictly friends and that she doesn’t have feelings for her best friend, because if she did then she wouldn’t know what she would do with herself.

She’s not homophobic, and just because Kurt freaking Hummel struts around with his gay flag waving in the air doesn’t mean that everyone can or has to. And even if they do, they’ll get bullied and harassed, just like him. It’s the way that everything goes, the straight popular kids are on top, and the gays are at the bottom, even though that’s ridiculous, it’s the way it goes.

She’ll just keep it to herself—even though there’s nothing there, obviously—and everything will be fine. She hopes that if she keeps telling herself that then maybe it will be.

***

Of course, that’s not what happens. The following Monday, after the weekend Santana had realized that something is different, it seemed like everyone has been staring at the two of them differently, but it might just be her paranoia talking.

Walking next to Brittany felt normal and right, but at that moment it felt slightly wrong. A bunch of questions were running through her mind. Was she acting differently? Was it obvious that something was off? Oh god, does everyone think that she’s gay? She is suddenly on the defensive side, glaring at the people who she thought were looking at her and Brittany weirdly. Maybe people always looked at them this way and neither of them ever noticed or cared; except now she did.

She knows the route they take to get to their next classes by heart because they always walk together, even though their schedules don’t really line up. Most people think that all the Cheerios just walk to class together in groups because the outfits look good together—which they do, she thinks conceitedly—and because of the cheerleading cliques. For a while that’s why Quinn, Brittany, and Santana would walk together, but then they actually got kind of close because of Glee Club, and now Quinn walks with Finn to her classes and Santana walks with Brittany.

During her fourth period that she has alone she can’t stop thinking about Brittany. How when she walks to class she hugs her binder to her chest, or how during class she always fidgets with her pencil when she’s in between writing, or how even if she doesn’t care about what people are talking about, she’ll listen to them anyway (like this one time a few days ago when they had arrived early to glee club and Rachel had come up to Brittany and her to ask for dance lessons, going on and on about something that had to do with her being a star and needing to know how to dance better, and Santana had only been paying attention to Brittany and ignored Rachel’s harping), Santana admires the way Brittany exists, and how it seems like nothing really bothers her. She doesn’t know why all of the sudden it’s hitting her, especially since she’s been friends with her for so long, and no, she doesn’t have feelings for her, they’re just friends.

***

They walk to their usual seats during lunch together, every now and again bumping shoulders with how close they are while they’re talking. Santana sits down across from Brittany, as she doesn’t miss a beat from what she’s saying to sit down.

“And I swear that Lord Tubbington has a gambling addiction, but he won’t stop—” she takes a bite of her food, “—and I don’t know what to do.”

“Why don’t you just take away his laptop privileges?” Santana suggests, also taking a bite of her own food. It’s not bad, however, it’s not good. Then again, it’s the school’s food. When she looks up at Brittany, she looks quizzical, like she hasn’t thought of doing that.

“That probably would work,” Brittany responds, and continues eating.

Santana’s focused on something else. That something else is Brittany’s physical appearance, everything about her: to her flashing smile, to her thin and perfect eyebrows. her slim waist, long legs, and her torso—which she shouldn’t be staring at in the middle of school, and yet she is. She is stunning to Santana, with her lean appearance and bright golden colored hair pulled perfectly back into a ponytail. Her blue eyes seem to twinkle all the time.

“Santana?” Brittany asks after she’s been staring for a moment or two.

“Huh, what? Sorry, I was just, thinking,” she responds quickly and looks away to other tables where other kids are sitting, she lets go of her lip that she must have been biting on.

“About what?” Brittany takes another bite of her food, almost finished, whereas Santana has barely touched hers.

“Nothing important,” she mumbles, taking a drink from her water bottle. The answer seems to satisfy Brittany and they go back to normal and easy conversation like Santana hadn’t been just staring at her best friend’s boobs.

***

Glee Club isn’t that different. Rachel and Mercedes are fighting for a solo that Mr. Schue handed out, he doesn’t know how to handle it, and so they’re trying to argue over one another. Finn, Puck, Matt, and Mike are making bets about something in football. Kurt, Tina, and Artie are talking about something—she can’t hear their conversation, and honestly doesn’t care—and so it’s Quinn, Brittany and her talking about the Cheerios like they always are.

“Sue’s been on our asses about winning at Nationals,” Quinn comments as she sits down next to Brittany.

“She’s just concerned about staying on top,” Santana remarks, looking around the choir room. She looks up at the two who are arguing over one another and laughs a little bit. Everyone knows that Rachel’s going to get the solo, she usually does. Mercedes probably knows that, too, and yet she’s still going to fight for it.

“And her paycheck,” Quinn adds.

Eventually Mr. Schue stood in front of the class, apparently they had sorted it out where Rachel got this solo and Mercedes would get the next one.

This Glee practice they were going to focus on their choreography added with singing, and it wasn’t that big of an issue for the three cheerleaders (and it was mostly for the jocks to practice anyway, since they were the ones having problems, other than Mike, surprisingly).

Afterwards everyone was tired and sore, they had to start over a bunch of times because someone kept messing up (Finn). Slowly the choir room emptied, and Brittany and Santana walked to their next class together. They were going to walk with Quinn, but she had muttered something about a “troll trying to steal her boyfriend” and went off to walk with Finn. They separated at their different classrooms, and the three of them were going to meet up for Cheerios practice that was after school, which was their usual plan.

***

After practice Santana was even more exhausted than when she left Glee rehearsal. She grabs her water bottle that she had placed in her locker when she first got there. She gulps down a quarter of the bottle before putting it back.

There are many girls around her, yet the only one she’s focused on is Brittany.

Ever since they walked into the locker room, Brittany, and another cheerleader—Hailey was her name—were talking nonstop to one another. It’s not like Santana was eavesdropping, but it’s not her fault they were standing so close and speaking so God damn loudly.

“One time she made a girl cry just because she talked back,” Hailey continues while she brushes her hair in the mirror.

“I know, I was there,” Brittany responds, leaning up against the lockers next to Hailey’s that no one’s using. “Sue can be a bitch sometimes.”

Hailey wraps her hair in a ponytail and starts to put the hair tie around it. “Don’t let her hear you say that she might move you down the pyramid,” she jokes, which gets a laugh out of Brittany. “However, she is the best cheerleading coach McKinley can offer, so I guess we’ll have to put up with it,” Hailey states.

They all know that that’s true, no other teacher will coach the Cheerios, and she’s the only one that’s gotten them to Nationals and gets a pretty big paycheck put towards the cheerleading team.

And listen, Santana doesn’t do jealous, okay? And she’s not. She just doesn’t like Brittany hanging out with another person so closely. And it’s because no one understands her like Santana does is all. And sure, Brittany has other friends, but usually they go through Santana to talk to her, so she knows them, or they’re all in the conversation. This is an entire new person, and they’re jokingtogether, which Brittany can do on her own, of course, but-

“Stop pining and either go talk with them or leave already,” Quinn mutters behind her.

Santana whips around and glares at her, and Quinn smirks.

“Oh, come on, don’t think I didn’t notice.” She walks past Santana to get to her locker, and Santana decides to do what Quinn suggested.

She grabs her water bottle from her locker and makes sure all of her things are put away before she leaves to head home.

***

She can’t be in love with her best friend, right? Sure, she and Brittany are close, and they do practically everything together, and Santana loves everything about Brittany, but that doesn’t mean she’s in love with Brittany.

Those thoughts are how Santana finds herself pacing in her room, not for the first time in the last few days, lost in thought. She looks over at the photos that she has on her walls of all of the Cheerios, but there are a few of either her, Brittany, and Quinn, or just the two of them.

She walks over and picks one up to look at it. She gets the same feeling that she’s been getting every time she thinks about Brittany, yet she’s been ignoring it for a while now. Except this time, she doesn’t. She feels butterflies in her stomach and doesn’t even realize she is smiling at Brittany’s picture. She sets down the photo when she does catch herself, and goes to lay down on her bed.

Even if she was gay, how would she know? Would having feelings that aren’t actually feelings enough to be considered gay? And what would everyone else think? Maybe she should turn to the internet, she thinks. She sits up and grabs her laptop that she keeps on her bedside table and loads it up.

A few searches later she realizes that maybe terms like bisexual or even lesbian fit her. Some more questions pop up in her head after that realization, but at least one thing’s certain.

Santana is in love with her best friend, and she has no idea what she’s going to do about it.

#gleecharactertot2021 #gleetotchallenge2021 #glee #santana lopez #brittany pierce #brittana #sexuality crisis #elliry writes #uefnajnfvedhbfhrsyuhebgveahj