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tiyoin · 1 month

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Twisted anxiety reader in a singing contest show (MHAHAMHAHAH) It would be a reason why she was singing in the woods.

✨ imagine✨

MC is feeling useless and unhelpful and just wants to pull their weight in supporting the dorm and stuff. Just overall trying to be more useful to Yuu.

So she overhears smth about a anonymous singing contest and the winner will get $5000 which for mc, Yuu and Grimm that's a lot of money. And 2nd and 3rd also has cash prizes. I think she goes for 2nd place ,so she has the money of 1st without the popularity of 1st. So she puts her fears to the side (🤨no she doesn't) to help her friend and cat.

I see this contest being an online voting type thing. Also celebs 😉 do go on the show to help promote it, to judge them and what ever else they do.

In the show they give the contestants a "wish"/ charm that can help them with their performance (enter ✨shimmers✨ & instruments magic that was talked about). It what makes the show popular

Now we give MC song/writing abilities. She honestly has a diary of kind. She needs it.( Torture her bout it later😈)

Now I'm sure we wondering how does this come into play

THEY THINK THE SONGS ARE ABOUT THEM

They'll all find a way to connect the songs to themselves. If songs says an eye color or hair color the characters with said color goes crazy about it.

Enchanted by Taylor Swift is one that comes to mind as a song that everyone relates to.

Rook/ jade would send clips of MC singing on the show and "THIS IS THE VOICE I HEARD"

I have so many sub-plots for twisted singer reader.

Also I'm really glad to like hearing things like this. I was really nervous to send the asks.

More to come along at one point or another ☺️☺️

i immediately thought of “ivory skin and eyes of emerald green” from jolene and rook just going:

shout out to @/a-twistedheartslonging because i WILL NOT stop using this cute little rook meme they made fldkaldkakwkdkxkakdkfhx

OH MY GOD READER IS SO NERVY AND SCARED AND THINKING SOOO MUCH ABOUT THIS SINGING COMPETITION AHHHHH

they’re physically reacting to thinking about it. they’re nervous tics come out (that happens to me, whenever i’m suppppper nervous i start chanting and get anxiety induced tics) and yuu and grim are getting worried because nothing has happened, so why are you so anxious?

OH MY GOD HAHSHSHAH IMAGINE THE WHOLE CONTEST IS FILLED WITH INTROVERTS HAHDHAHAHAH they all get to suffer at our expense

MUWHAHAHAHSHZHHAH AHHHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAH😈😈😈

*clears throat* anyways 🙂

reader : *sings enchanted*

ALL of the guys she made eye contact with that week: …so you’re proposing?

OH MY GOD MAYBE ROOK AND JADE (for totally separate reasons) SEND IN A CLIP THEY TOOK OF Y/N SINGING AND SENDING IT TO THE SHOW BAHAHSHAHA

idk maybe there’s some super duper advanced magical technology (marvel’s equivalent of ‘quantum’) and y/n gets an invitation and they’re like????

I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING YET

THE CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT IS SOOO REAL-

ROOK BRINGING VIL TO THE FOREST WHOSE GRUMBLING ABOUT HOW HE HAS HOMEWORK AND HOW THIS’LL THROW HIS SCHEDULE OFF-

“non non! roi du poison you must come with me avec hâte!” (with haste)

and they’re crouched behind a rock for a few minutes and vil is annoyed because rook is doing rook things again and he does not have time for this. especially not today because he has to find someone to endorse for the music show he volunteered to judge.

only problem: EVERYONE SUCKS OR HAS AN UGLY PERSONALITY!! vil is disgusted by the cockiness and the greediness of these… influencers who paid their way to be on the show.

it puts a horrible taste in his mouth, especially with how shameless they are to try and win his favor. he’s not some cheap executive they can bribe to put their foot through the door, especially with their lack luster… abilities.

vil almost called it talent, but you had to be good to have that.

just as he’s about to voice his complaints and leave, rook’s grip on his shoulder stopped him from moving and the finger to his lips stopped him from breathing. vil was visibly shocked because rook never put hands on him, especially like this.

there was a snap of a twig up ahead. rook’s forest green eyes flicked to the horizon a few times, head too, urging him to look.

and he’s more than pleasantly surprised to see… you- well as much of yourself that you would allow the watchful eyes of the trees see. your ceremonial robe covering your short stature.

rook looked at vil expectingly, but vil was still confused, so what if a student was in the woods? unless it was his own this was a problem rook should bring up to the other house wardens. and it wasn’t illegal, nor against the school rules so-

then, you started singing.

he couldn’t recognize the song. but he could recognize the passion. yes you were untrained and flat in a few sections but that didn’t matter. you were good, pitchy but good.

song after song, sometimes repeating a few as you danced and bowed your heart away.

he wasn’t sure how much time passed but it was a considerable amount since the sun that once well over the trees now peeked through the canopy and was gazing longingly at the moon.

cursing, you looked around, bent down to collect the things you brought with you, and scurried away towards another entrance towards the forest.

vil was quick to react, to follow but rook stopped him. looking down at his vice house warden with an incredulous look, rook only shook his head softly. there was a reason you were alone in the woods and not in the various music clubs.

this was your little secret.

vil who WAITS for your submission so he can back you but you never submit… hm,

with a snap of his manicured fingers, rook is on it! maybe rook knows who you are, maybe he doesn’t, vil could really care less since the whole show is based off of anonymity.

(vil side eyes the influencers and other contestants who practically spell it out for the audience who they are so they can vote for them)

maybe to… put you on the right track vil has rook go to your little forest spot and place a flyer there, practically ENCOURAGING YOU TO SIGN. UP.

you think someone would get a hint right?

“huh, that’s weird… maybe i should change locations since someone else was here”

that’s it. rook’s sending in your video and you’re getting a flyer stapled to the tree saying you’re accepted. yes yes this is because of your fairy god mother’s NOW SING

vil also giving y/n some song recommendations he thinks that are good, up until he sees you gently pull out a FUCKING LOADED BOOK from your backpack filled with songs.

yes darling those are great but lol at all the nice songs he gave you! they’re in your range too!!

vil slowly finding out who you are because he heard you hum a song in the hallways that only the mysterious ‘forest nymph’ (what a ludicrous myth the students came up with) sang.

and yes he’s shocked that the ramshackle neet (ouch vil 😿) has golden pipes.

THE CHAT ROOM IS NOW INVITE ONLY TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HEARD THE ELUSIVE FOREST NYMPHS SONG!!! (i’ll cook smthn better i promise)

VIL THINKING WHAT TO SEND THEM TO HELP THEM IN A CUT THORAT BATTLE ROUND AND ROOK OFF HANDEDLY COMMENTING ‘if only there were an orchestra here to play along with their beautiful singing’

ERUKIA!!

*cue golden instruments*

but in hindsight sight:

we’re gonna give her so much anxiety she’s not gonna know what to do😈 sorry pookie!! there’s no safe space at night raven college☺️🫶

#so many thought & yet so little space 😔#just know that i’m right here- patiently waiting in the wings for your next ask so i can info dump some more ☺️#i don’t want this to get too long but #sorry for the long post babes🙈#twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #tiyoin’s cuties 。　 ඞ 。#VIL THINKING OF WHAT TO

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qqueenofhades · 5 months

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Hello! This is kind of a weird ask, I'm sorry to bother you, but seeing as you're a very intelligent studied historian that I deeply respect, I was hoping you could offer some advice? Or like, things i could read? Lately, i feel like my critical thinking skills are emaciated and its scaring the shit out of me. I feel very slow and like I'm constantly missing important info in relation to news/history/social activism stuff. Thats so vague, sorry, but like any tips on how i can do better?

Aha, thank you. There was recently a good critical-thinking infograph on my dash, so obviously I thought I remembered who reblogged it and checked their blog, it wasn't them, thought it was someone else, checked their blog, it also wasn't them, and now I can't find it to link to. Alas. But I will try to sum up its main points and add a few of my own. I'm glad you're taking the initiative to work on this for yourself, and I will add that while it can seem difficult and overwhelming to sort through the mass of information, especially often-false, deliberately misleading, or otherwise bad information, there are a few tips to help you make some headway, and it's a skill that like any other skill, gets easier with practice. So yes.

The first and most general rule of thumb I would advise is the same thing that IT/computer people tell you about scam emails. If something is written in a way that induces urgency, panic, the feeling that you need to do something RIGHT NOW, or other guilt-tripping or anxiety-inducing language, it is -- to say the least -- questionable. This goes double if it's from anonymous unsourced accounts on social media, is topically or thematically related to a major crisis, or anything else. The intent is to create a panic response in you that overrides your critical faculties, your desire to do some basic Googling or double-checking or independent verification of its claims, and makes you think that you have to SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE NOW or you are personally and morally a bad person. Unfortunately, the world is complicated, issues and responses are complicated, and anyone insisting that there is Only One Solution and it's conveniently the one they're peddling should not be trusted. We used to laugh at parents and grandparents for naively forwarding or responding to obviously scam emails, but now young people are doing the exact same thing by blasting people with completely sourceless social media tweets, clips, and other manipulative BS that is intended to appeal to an emotional gut rather than an intellectual response. When you panic or feel negative emotions (anger, fear, grief, etc) you're more likely to act on something or share questionable information without thinking.

Likewise, you do have basic Internet literacy tools at your disposal. You can just throw a few keywords into Google or Wikipedia and see what comes up. Is any major news organization reporting on this? Is it obviously verifiable as a fake (see the disaster pictures of sharks swimming on highways that get shared after every hurricane)? Can you right-click, perform a reverse image search, and see if this is, for example, a picture from an unrelated war ten years ago instead of an up-to-date image of the current conflict? Especially with the ongoing Israel/Palestine imbroglio, we have people sharing propaganda (particularly Hamas propaganda) BY THE BUCKETLOAD and masquerading it as legitimate news organizations (tip: Quds News Network is literally the Hamas channel). This includes other scuzzy dirtbag-left websites like Grayzone and The Intercept, which often have implicit or explicit links to Russian-funded disinformation campaigns and other demoralizing or disrupting fake news that is deliberately designed to turn young left-leaning Westerners against the Democrats and other liberal political parties, which enables the electoral victory of the fascist far-right and feeds Putin's geopolitical and military aims. Likewise, half of our problems would be solved if tankies weren't so eager to gulp down and propagate anything "anti-Western" and thus amplify the Russian disinformation machine in a way even the Russians themselves sometimes struggle to do, but yeah. That relates to both Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Palestine.

Basically: TikTok, Twitter/X, Tumblr itself, and other platforms are absolutely RIFE with misinformation, and this is due partly to ownership (the Chinese government and Elon Fucking Musk have literally no goddamn reason whatsoever to build an unbiased algorithm, and have been repeatedly proven to be boosting bullshit that supports their particular worldviews) and partly due to the way in which the young Western left has paralyzed itself into hypocritical moral absolutes and pseudo-revolutionary ideology (which is only against the West itself and doesn't think that the rest of the world has agency to act or think for itself outside the West's influence, They Are Very Smart and Anti-Colonialist!) A lot of "information" in left-leaning social media spaces is therefore tainted by this perspective and often relies on flat-out, brazen, easily disprovable lies (like the popular Twitter account insisting that Biden could literally just overturn the Supreme Court if he really wanted to). Not all misinformation is that easy to spot, but with a severe lack of political, historical, civic, or social education (since it's become so polarized and school districts generally steer away from it or teach the watered-down version for fear of being attacked by Moms for Liberty or similar), it is quickly and easily passed along by people wanting trite and simplistic solutions for complex problems or who think the extent of social justice is posting the Right Opinions on social media.

As I said above, everything in the world is complicated and has multiple factors, different influences, possible solutions, involved actors, and external and internal causes. For the most part, if you're encountering anything that insists there's only one shiningly righteous answer (which conveniently is the one All Good and Moral People support!) and the other side is utterly and even demonically in the wrong, that is something that immediately needs a closer look and healthy skepticism. How was this situation created? Who has an interest in either maintaining the status quo, discouraging any change, or insisting that there's only one way to engage with/think about this issue? Who is being harmed and who is being helped by this rhetoric, including and especially when you yourself are encouraged to immediately spread it without criticism or cross-checking? Does it rely on obvious lies, ideological misinformation, or something designed to make you feel the aforementioned negative emotions? Is it independently corroborated? Where is it sourced from? When you put the author's name into Google, what comes up?

Also, I think it's important to add that as a result, it's simply not possible to distill complicated information into a few bite-sized and easily digestible social media chunks. If something is difficult to understand, that means you probably need to spend more time reading about it and encountering diverse perspectives, and that is research and work that has to take place primarily not on social media. You can ask for help and resources (such as you're doing right now, which I think is great!), but you can't use it as your chief or only source of information. You can and should obviously be aware of the limitations and biases of traditional media, but often that has turned into the conspiracy-theory "they never report on what's REALLY GOING ON, the only information you can trust is random anonymous social media accounts managed by God knows who." Traditional media, for better or worse, does have certain evidentiary standards, photographing, sourcing, and verifying requirements, and other ways to confirm that what they're writing about actually has some correspondence with reality. Yes, you need to be skeptical, but you can also trust that some of the initial legwork of verification has been done for you, and you can then move to more nuanced review, such as wording, presentation of perspective, who they're interviewing, any journalistic assumptions, any organizational shortcomings, etc.

Once again: there is a shit-ton of stuff out there, it is hard to instinctively know or understand how to engage with it, and it's okay if you don't automatically "get" everything you read. That's where the principle of actually taking the time to be informed comes in, and why you have to firmly divorce yourself from the notion that being socially aware or informed means just instantly posting or sharing on social media about the crisis of the week, especially if you didn't know anything about it beforehand and are just relying on the Leftist Groupthink to tell you how you should be reacting. Because things are complicated and dangerous, they take more effort to unpick than just instantly sharing a meme or random Twitter video or whatever. If you do in fact want to talk about these things constructively, and not just because you feel like you're peer-pressured into doing so and performing the Correct Opinions, then you will in fact need to spend non-social-media time and effort in learning about them.

If you're at a university, there are often subject catalogues, reference librarians, and other built-in tools that are there for you to use and which you SHOULD use (that's your tuition money, after all). That can help you identify trustworthy information sources and research best practices, and as you do that more often, it will help you have more of a feel for things when you encounter them in the wild. It's not easy at first, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes more so, and will make you more confident in your own judgments, beliefs, and values. That way when you encounter something that you KNOW is wrong, you won't be automatically pressured to share it just to fit in, because you will be able to tell yourself what the problems are.

Good luck!

#coffeeandcoyotes #ask #school stuff #critical thinking

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hotvintagepoll · 1 month

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Propaganda

Gene Tierney (Laura, The Ghost and Mrs Muir, Leave Her to Heaven)— The class, the elegance. The way she walks into frame and immediately all focus is on her. She had a pretty lengthy struggle with mental health that she describes in her book, which I think made her all the more sensitive in portraying characters like in leave her to heaven. Also she dumped JFK so

Moira Shearer (The Red Shoes)— Moira Shearer is one of the most awe-inspiring dancers ever put to screen. Watching her performance in 'The Red Shoes' changed my fucking life. When I saw her in 'Peeping Tom' it was one of the most anxiety-inducing experiences I've ever had watching a film. Moira Shearer was not only an actress who can make you feel, she's an actress who can make you feel *desperately afraid* for her. An all-time favourite for horror, dance, and just her /presence/, man.

This is round 2 of the tournament. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. Please reblog with further support of your beloved hot sexy vintage woman.

[additional propaganda submitted under the cut.]

Gene Tierney:

The entire plot of Laura is that a guy has to become completely obsessed with a woman after just seeing her portrait. This only works because Gene was cast in the role. I 10000% believe anyone could fall in love after seeing her face.

Those eyes! Just look at those eyes! She’s at her hottest in Leave Her To Heaven— I literally want her to ruin my life.

Absolute grade-A babe, she is the perfection incarnate.

Gene Tierney was beautiful, poised, intense. I associate her with roles where she was murderous or an intelligent woman being patronized to - like a woman on the edge! As far as I am concerned, she deserved to do whatever she wanted.

She had a slight overbite which was amazingly sexy, and a throaty voice that was very memorable as well. She’s terrific in Laura, which reminds me I should watch it again.

EYES!! Her diabolical acting in Leave Her to Heaven is just perfect, Rosamund Pike definitely took notes for her Gone Girl from her.

Oscar-nominated and simply one of the most beautiful women to ever walk this Earth.

Absolutely stunning. In Leave Her to Heaven, she reaches Rosamund-Pike-in-Gone-Girl levels of “holy fucking shit?!?!?!” She had a fling with JFK in the ‘40s and also dated the exes of Rita Hayworth and Hedy Lamarr (Prince Aly Khan and W. Howard Lee, respectively). Sadly, her daughter was born with a disability (during a time in which there were few good mainstream options for disabled children and their parents), likely because of a fan who was sick with measles and went out of her way to meet Tierney (who was pregnant) anyway. Topical! Sure would be good if people stayed home when they were sick! Anyway, she was also a Republican, which sucks. Laura and Leave Her to Heaven are great viewing though.

Moira Shearer:

[editor's note: if your TWs include death, body horror, or general freaky stuff, go forward with caution with the videos. Enjoy!]

Scottish flame-haired professional ballerina who made a successful move into films with ballet classic "The Red Shoes" and several other films. The best way to convey her beauty and grace is to see her in motion so gifsets are attached.

Gifset 1

Gifset 2

Gifset 3

Please check her out as Olympia in The Tales of Hoffmann, it's one of my favourite examples of automata ballet and she's so awesome in it

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Her performance in 'The Red Shoes' (if you ever have the opportunity to see this on the big screen, TAKE IT.)

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#moira shearer #gene tierney #hotvintagepoll #fuck that old woman #ladies 2 #Youtube

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venussaidso · 10 months

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Vedic Astrology Observation (based on shows/films part 3)

Very interesting how Saturn creates literal mental hardships on their natives, which can cripple their self esteem. Sometimes this theme can build or break the victim who is on the receiving end of absolute humiliation and oppression. (This applies to Capricorn, Aquarius and Saturn nakshatras. But I often see Saturn nakshatras being the oppressive figure that ignites fear in others.)

Often times, this dynamic takes place in a stress-inducing environment where the leader is a cold, brutal tyrant. One big example that popped in my head is the film Whiplash, where this cruel music teacher is played by Pushya Moon, J.K Simmons. This teacher takes this one particular student through a journey of humiliation, abuse and degradation to get the 'best results' out of him (when it's also about power imbalance for the teacher). The student being played by Aquarius Sun, Miles Teller.

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Saturn sees this as a process of purification. Through extreme harshness, you become a refined diamond. But does one really have to suffer to achieve success? Mercury nakshatras, especially Revati, is where this theme becomes dismantled. Mercury calculates ways to shortcuts, basically getting ahead without extreme hardship. But it's interesting that a Saturn nakshatra native can adopt a mindset that victimizes oneself just so that the relief of success can be rewarded. The assumption that mental hardship reaps the best results out of a person. This is especially what Uttara Bhadrapada represents, self destruction & self restriction to become more 'elevated'.

Another obvious example of a film about being under a tyrant is Devil Wears Prada. Pushya Ascendant Meryl Streep portraying a ruthless, tyrannical figure who has caused a stressful work environment because of the fear she's instilled in others. And she takes this one employee who she sees potential in, and expects perfection out of her.

The performance of the character being inspired Glenn Close's portrayal of Cruella who is also a horrible, abusive tyrant of a boss who terrorizes her employees. And she's Uttara Bhadrapada Sun.

And another tyrannical, cruel and cold character I would like to name is Sue Sylvester from Glee, who is portrayed by Uttara Bhadrapada Moon and Pushya Ascendant, Jane Lynch (who randomly reminds me of Hillary Clinton who is also Uttara Bhadrapada Moon).

It's so funny that 'The Bear' shows an extremely anxiety-inducing work environment and the main lead is of course an Uttara Bhadrapada Moon. Whose unleashing rage in S1 is compared to Shia Labeouf's temper. And it's important to note that Shia Labeouf is indeed a f/cking Pushya Moon. 😭

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The screaming, stress, fear of failure / fear of small mistakes and especially the humiliation that goes on in the kitchen of this series is so Saturnian themed. The environment being unhealthy and unpredictable, the mental hardship which takes toll on your self esteem. I could immediately link this whole post back to Claire Nakti's Uttara Bhadrapada video which opened my eyes in a big way (as I see endless Saturn nak themes instantly), and in real life I witness how Saturn nakshatra people are either humiliating others or they are on the receiving end of that pressure and humiliation.

Xxx

The Black Mirror episode called 'Joan Is Awful' is very Saturnian.

This character Joan is perceived as cold and cruel, which is not her intention. And she one day finds that there is a series made about her life in a very exaggerated way (without her consent). In the series mimicking her life, Joan is played by Salma Hayek who portrays her very coldly, self-centered and mean-spirited.

I like how Uttara Bhadrapada and Pushya can be interchangeable. (Pushya is ruled by the deity Brihaspati who is literally Jupiter. And Uttara Bhadrapada is Pisces which is ruled by Jupiter. Both nakshatras belong in the warrior caste, which means they're not sweet and soft as they're classified as warriors. And both nakshatras are ruled by Saturn, ofc, so all of this means they have a very, very similar temperament.)

I love to think of how Anya Taylor Joy and Charlize Theron share the same character. Anya portraying a young version of Furiosa and Charlize portraying the version we know in Mad Max: Fury Road.

And also, the theme of Joan Is Awful is the exploitation of the anatomy and life of both women (three, actually), and the humiliation they experience as their exploitation is for other people's consumption. The lack of consent which denies them of rights is very Saturnian.

Actually, it's very similar to another Black Mirror episode called Ashley O, starring Miley Cyrus who is an Anuradha Sun.

A celebrity whose anatomy is exploited for the consumption and entertainment of others, which nearly leads to her death. Saturn nakshatras and Saturn rashis may experience the stripping of one's own identity; they may experience moments where they have to make themselves feel small, where they're completely powerless, where they have to hide, or act a certain way to survive.

Also, I just finished watching the kdrama called Celebrity, and I find it so funny that the main character got called 'Modern Cinderella' because she's romantically involved with this handsome, rich CEO dude who became intrigued with her directness. She literally is Cinderella in how her father died after going bankrupt and her family adapted to a smaller life, but she still has the knowledge to run a business/factory (because her father ran factories) which she benefits from. She becomes belittled, humiliated and oppressed until she decides that to gain power is to gain respect. This particular theme is very Uttara Bhadrapada, but this character is played by Pushya Sun Park Gyu-young.

Again, I believe Pushya and Uttara Bhadrapada are interchangeable sometimes. Also, I love how she social climbs her way on top. Which is also very Saturnian. But it's important to note that the premise of the series is also Rahuvian, and the actress is a Swati Moon which is just perfect.

But yeah this is all I got, thanks for reading <3.

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oasisdew · 10 months

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'Given' and grief

The first time we see Mafuyu think about Yuki consciously in given is in code 4.

And what we see him thinking is that he doesn't feel lonely.

Mafuyu thinks here, even when he knows he'll never see Yuki again, he still doesn't feel lonely because he still carries something within himself that Yuki loved.

And this was Mafuyu being in denial about Yuki actually really being gone. He was still trying to rationalise it.

“I am not lonely!” he protests, “The person that I loved so much, couldn't just become nothing! As long as I'm here, he is here somehow!”

And he keeps carrying Yuki's guitar everywhere, symbolising that burden. That thing that Yuki loved, yes, but Mafuyu wasn't a part of.

__________________

Then the story progresses. Mafuyu learns to play guitar. Mafuyu makes new friends, he learns to smile again and be excited, he starts to fall in love again. He starts to heal.

THEN Fuyunohanashi happens.

And we see him starting the song with, “I'm not lonely”, again.

He is back there. He is protesting, “you are not gone! You can not be gone! You are still in my head! Everywhere you once were you still are!!”

He has healed meanwhile, yes, from when given manga started to when FnH happened, he has. But he still hasn't come to terms with it.

And then, while performing this song, while on stage, this sudden realisation strikes,

“I am so lonely” he thinks. He has started to realise that Yuki is fading, Yuki's memory, his presence that Mafuyu imagined, they're fading slowly, and that is sad! That's why he is lonely!

After the performance of FnH, Mafuyu thinks again, “I am not lonely”, and this time it's not regarding Yuki. This is the general feel of it, Mafuyu isn't lonely anymore. He has friends, he has someone new he loves, he has started to heal, and with that comes the feeling of guilt.

“I wish I could tell you this!” I wish I could find closure from you!

_______________________

And then we get the extra chapter 'Umi E'. Expanding on the on stage "I am so lonely" panel!

Mafuyu realised on that 'blindingly bright stage' what 'loneliness' means. It's the healing part of the trauma. It's the guilt of letting go of the person who isn't here anymore.

If Mafuyu forgets Yuki bit by bit, which will certainly happen, because people can't keep living with someone's vivid memories forever, then who'll remember the Yuki that only Mafuyu knew? He will really be gone forever! And thinking about that is sad! And THAT is loneliness.

_______________________

Mafuyu is still there during CAC. Even though he has moved on, even though he is totally in love with Ritsuka and committed to him, it still feels like betraying Yuki somehow. The more he grows, the more he changes, the more the distance with Yuki grows.

Remember, that line in yorugaakeru that literally says, “even though you're not here, I can still continue to live on, in the end, that's what makes me sad.”

This part of grieving isn't talked about as much as it should be. It's the guilt you feel when you heal.

_________________________

This brings us to the last arc of 'given'.

There were many things going on with RitsuMafu the last arc, but part of why playing 'Umi E' for Mafuyu without telling Mafuyu was bad idea was because it meant forcing Mafuyu to confront something that he had no intention of confronting just yet.

But turned out it was for the best. At least for Mafuyu to realise that he has actually really moved on. He doesn't feel guilt for letting go of Yuki anymore. From the time they performed YgA to the SYH concert, Mafuyu has healed more.

See, compared to the first 'to the sea' memories, the last 'to the sea' memories are so blurry! He really forgot the details!

It's just a vague feeling of nostalgia to Mafuyu now! And it's still anxiety inducing, yes, especially seeing that he was already dreading everything.

But there's no guilt to be found of letting go of Yuki. His only concerns are not being able to connect to Ritsuka now.

Yuki is not somewhere inside Mafuyu anymore, or he doesn't feel pressured to keep him close to heart anymore. He has accepted the truth. He has found closure. Yuki is a memory now. A fond memory, preserved in a song, the memories are blurrier still. And Mafuyu is happy with that. Forgetting the details doesn't make him lonely or guilty anymore.

Which is why the last chapter we got, where just after being confronted by 'Yuki's song', Mafuyu still isn't sad or guilt ridden at all, he is sparkling and eager to perform alongside Ritsuka, he is so happy that he almost proposed to him, is so special!

#given #ritsumafu #ritsuka uenoyama #mafuyu sato #yuki yoshida #given meta #meta #my given threads

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greenqueenhightower · 8 months

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Welcome to yet another episode of DISTURBING Things I Notice in HOTD:

Today’s installment is on bloodlust and dermatillomania (tw!) as expressed by our two key figures of the Dance, Rhaenyra and Alicent, and their similarities between Daemon and Criston respectively (pls bear with me on this).

First up, even though we have seen many scenes of bloodshed in the show, I want to mainly talk about the two scenes of bloodlust we have seen with Rhaenyra in episode 3 where she kills a boar, and with Alicent when she cuts Rhaenyra's arm at Driftmark.

Why, though, do I say bloodlust? Because it describes a desire for bloodshed and carnage, often aroused in the heat of battle or the moment, leading to uncontrolled slaughter and torture. The perfect example of this description is Criston's killing of Joffrey at Leanor's & Rhaenyra's wedding because it was moved by a desire for bloodshed further motivated by Criston's emotional turmoil, it was aroused in the heat of the moment because Joffrey provoked him, and, most importantly, he had lost control. This means that Criston is not generally like that; had he not lost control, he would not have performed the act.

The exact OPPOSITE is Daemon's cold-hearted killing of Vaemond: there was no underlying desire, the moment was not heated, nor was he personally attacked, and he did not display any loss of control. This means that he did not need any provocation to perform the act. In other words, bloodlust and bloodshed are in general part of Daemon's character.

I think that the analysis of these two extremes helps in understanding where Alicent and Rhaenyra lay in the spectrum of bloodlust.

Starting off with the scene at the hunt where she slays the boar, Rhaenyra ticks all the boxes for bloodlust: a desire for bloodshed because of the hunt, arousal in the heat of the moment because she was attacked by the beast, which then results in uncontrolled slaughter. Yet, that doesn’t seem to have any effect on Rhaenyra, as we see her walking back to the camp, completely drenched in blood. Her sight stuns and terrifies spectators, Alicent included, but Rhaenyra's detached attitude toward carnage resembles that of Daemon's. I am not saying that bloodshed and carnage are part of her character to the extent that they are a part of Daemon’s, but she and he both display a higher tolerance to the sight, thought and feel of the act.

Let's get now to the scene at Driftmark and the confrontation between Alicent and Rhaenyra. Alicent, too, ticks all three of the boxes for bloodlust at that moment: a desire for bloodshed because of the maiming of her son, arousal in the heat of the moment because her concerns are not taken seriously, and loss of control that results in obtaining the Valyrian steel dagger and cutting Rhaenyra's arm. However, Alicent shows how horrified she is that the situation has gotten out of control, and she drops the dagger. Later on, we see her remorse which mirrors Criston's, who wanted to commit suicide. They both understood the lengths of their actions and were devastated.

And what about Rhaenyra when she gets cut in that scene? She is once again oblivious to the pain, staring Alicent dead in the eyes which terrifies Alicent even more. I have a few reasons as to why.

First of all, Alicent suffered from dermatillomania growing up, which is a mental health condition where a person compulsively picks or scratches their skin, causing injuries or scarring. Also known as excoriation disorder or skin-picking disorder, this condition falls under the category of obsessive-compulsive disorders (OCDs) and can be triggered by anxiety. There are several scenes where we see that same anxiety permeate Alicent and her resort to dermatillomania, as early as episode 1 (this is where her brother Gwayne is fighting with Daemon):

What science says is that such behavior is anxiety-induced, a clinical condition, and even though she could stop it if she chose to, it is not that easy or simple. Alicent was addicted to the numbing pain as a relief from her anxiety but she loathed herself for its destructive nature. She was often made fun of it by her father who told her that she was "destroying herself." We see that as her confidence grew in the later episodes, and when she was released from the strenuous puppeteering of Otto, she was able to overcome the habit.

To my eyes, this is why it is shocking for Alicent to a) cause pain to Rhaenyra and b) to see Rhaenyra oblivious to such pain. The fact that Rhaenyra doesn’t even flinch, when Alicent hated herself for causing harm to her own body for years and when she already hates herself for losing her temper, confirms to her Rhaenyra’s absolute callousness. Yes, she, who lusts after what she wants and knows no limits, and whose ambition runs thicker than blood, does feel entitled to Aemond’s eye.

In fact, Alicent barely recognizes Rhaenyra at this moment. Alicent has just become afraid of herself, and of the newly discovered bloodlust she didn’t know she had, and seeing Rhaenyra show no reaction to the pain, Alicent becomes doubly afraid of Rhaenyra. The one who stares deeply into her eyes and shows her that she cannot hurt her. Who tells her that she can take in much more. Who is not like Alicent, to become consumed by pain. Rhaenyra is a warrior, and she is capable of showing her heartlessness when necessary. And that’s when Alicent understands that she doesn’t know Rhaenyra anymore. Alicent becomes even more afraid of her, and the person she has become. The person she could potentially turn into when provoked.

This is what absolutely terrifies yet humanizes Alicent, who already hated herself for causing injury to herself, and who hates herself now for causing injury to Rhaenyra. Yet Rhaenyra won't let her hurt or pain show like Alicent does, and she is used to causing injury without feeling anything; just like Daemon.

*added the coloring to keep track of the many lines of thought happening here

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ayameric · 1 year

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Smithereens | L. Williamson

“Are you sure about this?” You asked for what felt the thousandth time today.

Leah just smiled as she let out a small huff.

“Yes, I’ve told you a dozen times.”

The pair of you were sat in your London apartment, sitting on the sofa watching whatever was on the TV when you fell into conversation out of sheer boredom. The topics began with you asking your girlfriend about how her training went, and she told you all about the antics the Arsenal women got up to that day. You chuckled at Leah’s retelling of events, often knowing she wasn’t exaggerating when it came to some of the stuff that actually happened.

But then the conversation flowed to you, the defender asking about your day. Sighing, you told her you were nervous for your upcoming tour. After having just released your third album a while ago, it had already been a hit and of course with that, meant a tour was bound to happen. Now the time was finally here where you would be playing a sold-out O2 in London to an insane number of people. This was easily the biggest night of your life so far, and the most anxiety inducing. Fame for the pair of you just seemed to grow and grow over the past couple of years, which meant the microscope was placed awfully close on your relationship. People don’t realise, but that kind of pressure has a tendency to cause cracks in a relationship.

“Seriously? Because I can totally pull out-“ Continuing your rambling, Leah shifted her body on the furniture to fully face you and slap her hand over your mouth.

“You done?” She quirked a brow and you nodded, signalling for her to remove her hand before you undoubtedly did something gross and licked it. “I mean it, Y/N. You won’t back out because it isn’t a big deal. It’s a bunch of songs you wrote during a bad time and people love them! You can’t disappoint them and not go out there to give them their money’s worth.”

Sinking into the sofa a little more, you shifted your gaze to look out of the window. Of course, Leah had told you she didn’t mind you singing songs you wrote during your breakup, but it was tough to believe it. The last thing you wanted to do was upset her, and you had already done that enough before.

“I know, but sometimes there’s more to this than just what other people think.” You began. “I promised you that I would never prioritise anything over our relationship again, and I don’t want me bringing up the past to ruin things.”

You finally turned to look at the blonde who had obviously been watching you the whole time. Her eyes scanned over your face before finally catching your gaze.

“This isn’t bringing up the past. You got your feelings out, and turned it into something amazing.” Leah told you, her hand reaching out and grabbing your own. Which was a nice change from slapping you over the mouth to shut you up. “I’m not gonna change the way I feel for you because you’re out performing songs you wrote during our breakup. Hell, I’ve heard them a dozen times before!”

“But you cried when you did!” You answered back, a playful lilt to your tone, which caused Leah to crack a smile. She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly.

“Yeah because you wrote a fucking album about me, Y/N. An incredibly beautiful one at that.”

“But it was about our breakup.”

“It’s not like you called me a bitch or slagged me off. Did you forget what you wrote?” Leah quizzed, her tone now a lot more quiet and serious as she asked you that last question.

You fell silent for a brief moment, remembering the months you spent alone, without the love of your life. It was one of the hardest things you’ve ever been through, knowing that she wasn’t here anymore and there was a good chance she never would be. So you did what you do best, and wrote it all down straight from the heart. Initially you had no intentions of ever doing anything with those songs, since there was only a few and it was so personal, but the more you thought about it, and the more you realised the likelihood was that Leah had moved on; that maybe you should release the songs as an album. This is what songwriters were supposed to do, write something real people could relate to, and nothing is more relatable than heartbreak. Sure, it makes up 90% of the songs on the radio, but this was way more personal than that.

There had always been speculation about your relationship with Leah. About how you guys met, whether it was strictly platonic or not, but neither of you ever confirmed it because you never felt like you needed to. You weren’t exactly hiding, but you weren’t broadcasting it either. But with Leah’s win at the Euro’s and your success as a music artist, people were starting to get too involved with your relationship.

You and Leah had been together for two years until the breakup, which happened weeks after England’s European win, and it tore you up inside. Still in contact with a few of your mutual friends, like Katie McCabe, who had informed you completely by accident that Leah had moved on. The news blew your heart to smithereens, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to be angry. You gave up on that relationship because you were afraid it would be too difficult to maintain, since both of your jobs took you to opposite sides of the world. Leah didn’t exactly fight for you either, but it was safe to say you were the one to put the final nail in the coffin of your romance.

Months and months with nothing from you, fans began to speculate on the breakup, but nothing could be confirmed. Truth was you had basically shut yourself off from the outside world and moved to Spain. You spent your time writing, and the outcome was ‘Smithereens’. The rather vague yet on the nose title felt right, and upon reflection and some self-healing, you had presented it to your record label and it was ready to release.

Until one night you got a text from a number you deleted.

I miss you.

Read 11:34PM

The phone practically fell from your hands. All of the feelings you thought you had overcome and healed from came flooding back like a tsunami. It changed everything. But you and Leah talked things out, with the English defender revealing that she had entered a relationship not long after the two of you had broken up, but it never felt right. So, Leah took a stab in the dark, and texted you and she still claims to this day it was the best decision she ever made. You both promised eachother it would be different this time around, that there wouldn’t be anything above your relationship, and you would work harder to maintain it. However, there was one small cog in the works that threatened to rip the rug out from underneath your feet.

The album.

In a frenzy in your Spanish home one night, you revealed what you had written and that the label planned to release it next week. You were on the verge of tears, thinking Leah would hate you. Thinking that you were trying to profit off the misfortune that befell your relationship. But instead, she calmly asked to listen to it, and with some convincing, you let her.

In your home studio, you let the songs play out. Anxiously sitting in the corner, studying her every movement and facial expression as she listened to the melodies, your leg bounced restlessly, praying to whatever higher power that she wouldn’t storm out.

But she didn’t. In fact, she listened to the whole thing without a single word. As the last beats of the final song played out, you got up and turned the system off as Leah finally looked at you. Her eyes glistened as tears began to pool in her eyes. Your instincts kicked in and you rushed over to hold her, letting her emotions out on your shoulder as you held her tightly. Finally pulling away, she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie and spoke:

“I’m so sorry I made you feel this way.” Her voice cracked, and you frowned, shaking your head.

“No, no. You have nothing to apologise for. At all.” You told her sternly, chasing eye contact with her before you got it, finally locking her gaze. “This was my fault. I didn’t fight hard enough for us. This album, these songs…they’re the punishments for my own bad choices. I- I just need you to know that, okay?”

Leah nodded and slipped her cool hands up to your warm cheeks before pulling you into a kiss.

It had been a good few months since that moment, nearly a year. Leah could finally listen to the album now without crying, but still, you were worried that singing these sentimental songs to a live audience would reopen old wounds.

The night was finally here, and you were doing a soundcheck on stage in the O2 before the opening night of your show. The venue was empty, some security getting ready to put up safety rails knowing how crazy some fans could be, some sound techs tampering with lights.

You were instructed to play through the set as a warmup for the actual thing, and that wouldn’t have been a problem if the girl you had written the damn songs about wasn’t right in front of you, sitting at the end of the stage.

“Y’okay?” The blonde asked as you walked over to her, microphone in hand, sitting down beside her as your legs dangled from the edge of the stage.

“Nervous, a little more than usual.” You admitted with a huff, toying with the mic in your hands. You were only dressed in shorts and an oversized hoodie right now, whereas Leah was fully dressed in tight fitting trousers, complimenting black boots, a beige top and leather jacket.

“You’ll be fine.” Leah nudged your arm with her elbow.

“Oh, I know that.” You teased back, cockily, which earned you an eye roll. “It’s just weird singing about a breakup with a girl when she’s watching you from the side of the stage.” Leah let out a laugh at that, but before she could launch into a rant about how it was all in the past, you pressed your lips against her own, savouring the moment of having the love of your life sat on the stage you would sing your heart out on.

“Y/N! Do you wanna do a test run of one of the songs?” One of the event technicians called to you, ruining the sweet kiss you shared with Leah. You both pulled apart, now sporting a rather irritated grin at being interrupted, to which Leah smirked, her eyes wandering elsewhere to avoid bursting out laughing.

“Sure.” You shrugged. Pushing yourself up, you walked over to the tech and picked one of the songs. Before you made your decision, you looked at Leah, who was still gazing out into the empty arena, before selecting one you think would be best.

The speakers made some strange noises, like they were being turned on, and Leah turned around.

“Hang on, dickhead! I need to move.” Leah shouted, but you shook your head.

“Stay right there or you’ll ruin it.” You instructed, and the song began to play.

Leah swore she was about to get up anyway, swivelling around to stand up on the stage, but the song you had chosen left her stuck in her spot. You smirked devilishly, knowing that it was a good choice, her favourite. Clearing your throat, the first verse began.

Swear I couldn't sleep a wink last night No point in turning off the lights Not the same without your head on my shoulders Growing pains, but I don't wanna get older Almost like we left it all on read

As you sang, you took several steps closer to where she was sat, not daring to take your eyes off the girl you were practically serenading in this empty arena.

Couple feelings never laid to rest Didn't know that the party was over And it's true that I need you, get closer

Leah had heard this song plenty of times, but hearing you sing it in person, in front of her was totally different. This was about her, for her. Your steps had finally taken you close enough to her, where you basically towering over her.

Burning photos, had to learn to let go, whoa I used to weep Somebody in another skin (another skin) I heard that you're happy without me And I hope it's true (I hope, I hope it's true)

You took the small break in the song as opportunity to sit down in front of her. A deep breath was let out before the next lines, knowing they were the most crushing to write.

It kills me a little, that's okay 'Cause I'd die for you You know I'd still die for you

It was a strange feeling, singing a song about watching the love of your life move on with someone else, knowing there was nothing you could do about it.

I hope you're getting everything you needed (needed) Find the puzzle piece and feel completed (completed) Just wanted you to know every reason Hope you really know that I mean that Couldn't see the forest from the trees The only time we speak is in my dreams

You never had any ill-will toward Leah and her at the time partner, since you had no right to be. Despite how much it hurt, you would love her even if she wasn’t yours, and do anything for her to be happy, even if it meant letting you go.

Burning photos, had to learn to let go I used to weep Somebody in another skin (another skin) I heard that you're happy without me And I hope it's true (I hope, I hope it's true)

Your free hand reached out and shifted to tuck a stray piece of Leah’s hair that had fallen out from behind her ear, studying her eyes as the once again welled with tears.

It kills me a little, that's okay

You sang the last few lines to her, like there was no one else in the room but you two. You needed her to know that no matter what had happened, you still loved her. You always would. She had left an irremovable mark on your heart that would follow you forever.

'Cause I'd die for you You know I'd still die for you

The song trailed off, and once again, like the first time she had heard it, tears began to flow.

“You promised you wouldn’t cry!” You complained, falling back dramatically as you switched off the mic and dropped it to the side. Lying on your back, you heard Leah laugh and sniffle, before a familiar warm body collapsed on top of you, wrapping arms around your side.

“I can’t believe you wrote that for me.” She whispered in your ear, allowing you to put your hands on her back and hold her close on the stage.

“I wrote several for you, in case you forgot.” You chimed in, getting a slap on the head for your comment. “I’m kidding.”

You both sat up, but this time with Leah basically sat on your lap. Her arms around your neck, yours placed on her waist.

“I love you. Always have, always will.”

“I love you too. Always have, always will.”

A/N: sorry for being gone, and also not my usual marvel post. they are currently in the works, but i wanted to branch out a little.

#woso #woso fanfics #leah williamson x reader #leah williamson

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companionjones · 1 year

Text

The Most Anxiety Inducing Experience of Your Life

Pairing: Pre-established!Beck Oliver x Fem!Anxious!Reader

Fandom: Victorious (Nickelodeon)

Summary: This is based off the episode “Tori the Zombie” where you take the place of Tori. Some things are changed. For example, you are in a relationship with Beck.

Warnings: Cursing

*******

“Baby, relax. It’s just an audition.” Beck tried to calm your nerves as the two of you sat in a line outside the Black Box theater.

His words did nothing to soothe you. “You’ve done a hundred of these, Beck. This is my first one, and I’m freaking out. Maybe I should just head home--” You moved to get to your feet.

Beck put a hand on your shoulder, preventing you from standing up. “No way. Babe, you’re the most talented person at this school. I’m not going to let you go a whole semester without doing one play. Plus, you need it for your grade.”

“This is not a play. This is a musical,” you corrected. “You have to sing and dance in musicals.”

He shrugged. “I don’t usually do musicals either, yet here I am. I’m a little nervous too, but I’m working through it.”

“You don’t need to be nervous. You have a wonderful singing voice, Beck. You should use it more often.”

“My point exactly, except reversed back onto you.” Beck took one of your hands in both of his and kissed the back of it. “You can do this, sweetheart. I know you can.”

***

When the cast list was posted about a week later, you nearly fell when you saw the results.

“Yes, I got Clive!” Robbie fist-pumped as he congratulated himself.

Rex then spoke up. “Yeah, you’re the villain in the play and you’re the villain in my life too.”

Robbie and Rex continued their bickering, and you heard the somehow fainter voice of your boyfriend right next to you. “Oh my god, we got the leads, baby! I am so proud of you!” He gathered you in his arms and kissed the side of your head.

“How the hell am I gonna do this?” You didn’t know if you had thought that inside your head or voiced it out loud.

***

A month later, you were well into rehearsals. Your director had just called to “Take five” because there was a problem with the lights.

“Whoa, guys. Everyone shut up a second.” Jade suddenly got the attention of the crowd. “I just got an email from Principal Eichner.” She read, “To all students involved in this years production of Uptown/Downtown, Sofia Michelle will be in Los Angeles the weekend of the 17th, and will be personally attending your opening performance.”

Sofia Michelle was the woman who wrote your musical. She was one of the biggest playwrights on Broadway.

“Why don’t we sit down?” Beck offered, lowering you to the lip of the stage.

“I think I need a paper bag,” you told your boyfriend.

“To breathe or throw up?”

“Jury’s still out.”

Beck had you lay on his shoulder as he tried his best to calm you down.

***

About a month after that, you were hanging out in Beck’s trailer, trying not to think of opening night of the show, which was the following night. Well, at least one of you was trying not to think about it.

“You know you’re gonna be great right?” Beck commented as the two of you laid in each other’s arms in his bed.

You took a big breath, and tried to think about things rationally. “Yeah, I know,” you finally answered. You raised one of Beck’s hands to your lips and kissed it. “As long as you’re there with me.”

Just then, your phone started ringing. You and Beck sat up in bed as you answered it.

“Hey, Cat--” was all you were able to get out.

“Oh my god, oh my god! I need your help! I took this I took this class for special effects makeup and I can’t figure out how to make people look like scary monsters so I just keep on making them cute and the models keep quitting on me! Please, if you don’t help me, I’m gonna fail this class!”

She was getting so loud that you had to hold your phone away from your ear, yet you and Beck could still hear Cat clearly.

“What do you need me to do?” you asked her.

“I NEED TO PRACTICE MONSTER MAKEUP ON YOU PLEASE!” Cat’s voice sounded even louder through the speaker on your phone.

You and Beck shared a look. Not seeing another option, and not wanting Cat to get any louder, you both nodded.

“Come over my place, Cat,” Beck offered.

“Thank you! Thank you so much!” Cat’s voice went back to regular volume before she hung up the phone.

***

“Hey guys! I got some pizza if you--JESUS!”

A couple hours later, Beck had stepped out to get some food. When he returned, he almost dropped the pizza he was holding.

You had been standing right by the door (maybe, probably, definitely) trying to scare your boyfriend, and succeeding. “What do you think?” you asked him, “Don’t I look hideous?”

Recovering from the scare you had just given him, Beck responded in a sweet boyfriend way, “You’re still beautiful to me.”

“Oh no! Really?!” Cat started to revel in failure again.

Beck tried to backtrack, but he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. “N-no, Cat! Y/n looks...uh...I think I walked into a trap, here.”

“I’ll get you out of it,” you joked to your boyfriend. “You did a great job, Cat. I look like a monster!”

“Yay!” she celebrated.

“Alright, you put this on, you took your pictures. Can you take this off now?”

“KK!” Cat smiled before readying her makeup station again.

Beck put down the pizza, then noticed something in Cat’s makeup stuff. “Cat, what is this?”

Cat didn’t spare it a second glance. “Oh, that’s glue!”

“I know that. Why is it with your makeup supplies?” His voice was becoming more and more concerned.

You decided to take a closer look at the kind of glue he was holding. Your stomach dropped. “Is that Grizzly Glue?!”

Beck was still asking Cat questions. “Where did you get this?”

“I ran out of makeup glue so I got that from my father’s tool box.”

You got mad. “Grizzly Glue is like industrial cement, Cat. It’s not supposed to come in contact with skin!”

“I’m sorry!”

You, Beck, and Cat spent the next hour trying to get the makeup off your face. When that didn’t work, you three spent the next hour after that on the phone with doctors and the Grizzly Glue company.

Beck got off the phone with the doctor first. “Okay, she said it’s not going to cause any damage to your face, just that we won’t be able to get it off.”

“I could’ve told you that,” you remarked sarcastically.

Cat got off the phone too, but she wasn’t relaying any of the information to you and Beck.

“Well?” you asked her.

“Oh, right!” Cat turned to you. “Apparently, they make a solvent. We have to drive to Bakersfield to get it.”

“Bakersfield?!” you and Beck yelled at the same time.

“Relax,” Cat calmed, “Trina owes me a favor. I got her out of a date like a week ago. After school tomorrow, I’ll get her to drive me there to get the solvent, I’ll bring it back, and everything will be good again!”

“Everything will be good again if you get that solvent on my face before the show starts tomorrow.”

“Omg that’s right you guys start your run tomorrow! How are you feeling?” aimlessly wondered Cat.

***

“DarlingAngelSugarLove,” Beck addressed you with every pet name he could think of in this time of desperation. “It’s going to be alright.”

“In what world is it going to be alright?!” you whisper-yelled backstage, “We are going on in two minutes, and I look like a zombie! Cat and Trina still aren’t here!” Your breathing started to get all out of wack. You could’ve sworn that you were going to pass out.

Suddenly, Beck kissed you.

You melted into the kiss, and it lasted long enough for your breathing to get back under control.

Beck broke the kiss. “I love you. You are the most amazing person I know. Now, you are going to go out there and rock this show no matter what you look like. Take a deep breath with me.”

You did as you were told. “Thank you so much for dealing with all my crazy.”

“We’re in show business,” he smiled, “Our lives are always going to be crazy.” He started walking away from you to get into places.

“And Beck?”

He turned back around.

“I love you, too.”

Your smiles matched each other as you stood on opposing sides of the stage.

***

So, you went through the show looking like a zombie. Well, most of the show. During the last number, you glanced backstage and saw Cat and Trina with the solvent.

André was in the band, and he was aware of your situation, as was everyone involved with the show, so you subtly signalled to him to stretch the song out. He nodded, and you all but ran offstage.

You made it back in time for the last chorus of the number, and you were so hyped on the adrenaline of the show and just barely making it on on time, that you kissed Beck during the final pose.

The curtain closed, and Beck picked you up and spun you around without breaking the kiss.

You two had to split up again for bows, and from the shadows, you saw Beck mouth, “I’m so proud of you.”

You were so happy that you kissed him again during your bows.

*******

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! Fill up that heart and reblog if you liked it. I would also really appreciate a comment, if you have the time. If you would like to read more, check out my masterlist. Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you! <3 <3 <3

#beck oliver #beck oliver x reader #victorious #victorious neckelodeon #avan jogia #companion jones #the most anxiety inducing experience of your life

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aliceindaisychains999 · 2 months

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Heya, Maddie!

It's random as hell, but I was wondering if you had any COD Zombies LGBTQ headcanons? Just curious :)

Good evening, Bee! I do have several! Here goes!🌷

For starters:

Takeo Masaki is asexual. He has interest in romance, but other affairs just don’t really interest him.

Dr. Schuster is gay. Peter McCain was too (that’s what the whole “Phoebe” incident was about)

It’s more canon that Samantha Maxis is lesbian (*cough* SamGrey *cough*)

Misty is definitely bi and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Primis Dempsey is more likely to be openly bi (thanks to a certain Samurai), and he was by Blood of the Dead. Ultimis Dempsey is too full of anger and internalized feelings to ever explore it, which is what he told Peter after those loving letters ended up not being “Phoebe”. He would hopefully come around if things hadn’t hit the fan. I still hate Tag Der Toten.

I remember someone having the headcanon that Marlton is trans and I think I do too! As if the poor guy doesn’t have enough anxiety, he worries sometimes if he won’t be accepted if he was ever open about it. Misty reassures that nothing could ever change what an amazing man he is. Perhaps she’s a little rough about defending him, but she’s always being the best supportive gf she can be.

Richtofen goes by no label if you asked him, but he is in my eyes pansexual (between the obvious mlm quotes and the few quotes said about women + Director having a wife). Primis never had the time to truly pursue any of the crushes he had. Ultimis did! He actually dated his college roommate. Due to wanting different career paths, they broke up. Ultimis’ quote about how “all American women do is play games” is in reference to a not-so nice woman he pursued short term in the Illuminati. There was a lot of passion. Alas, his poor little heart loved her more than she deserved.

To add to this, Ultimis Richtofen and Dr. Schuster actually had feelings for each other! But the two were shyly pining their feelings thanks to how awful the 1940s was. It’s without a doubt those late evenings performing “overtime” lab work there was just an excuse to grow closer. Before the 115-induced delusions warped Richtofen’s mind, it was actually endearing to see the softness between each other blossom. Maybe in another timeline, things went better than what we had to see.

Samuel Stuhlinger is gay, but he’s heavily closeted about it. It’s no help when a voice in your head knows about your secret daydreams and teases you about it.

I can still hear his voice… YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE

TO MY GLOWING GREEN

BALLS! 🤪🤪🤭

#asks #cod zombies #my writing #i hope i did this right #edward richtofen #ultimis richtofen #tank dempsey #primis dempsey #peter mccain #dr schuster #abagail misty briarton #samuel stuhlinger #marlton johnson

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accio-victuuri · 8 months

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All the Things I loved about “One and Only” : My review of Yibo’s new movie 🎞️

Alas, I was able to watch 1 out of the 3 films Yibo released this year. It’s also the one I’ve been looking forward to, because he will be dancing and as a fan of SDC, I wanted to see familiar faces too.

The movie is STUNNING. The visual is something else. I enjoyed how colorful it is. How real. The empty train Shuo Shuo rides, the market, his home and the restaurant below etc. Even if this was a movie, it felt to me like I know these places. I really have to hand it to Dapeng on this one! He did really well! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I remember one of the first reviews I’ve read about it is how it can compete with international films because of it’s quality — and they’re right!

Props to the cinematography ( Zhong Rui & Qian Tiantian ) and the Editing (Tu Yiran & Zhang Yibo) THE EDITING!!!!! It may be headache inducing for some because of the close ups and movement, but i loved it! I mentioned “colors” and I think the clothes contributed to that too and since I’ve read Zhao Yige’s process on it, I appreciated it even more.

Moving on the things I loved, let me list 8. 🤍 ( this is in no particular order )

1. It is funny without trying too hard. When you think of comedy, it’s almost always characters are deliberately given no choice but to be in a comedic situation. This is not one of those. It’s effortless. It also helps that some characters, like Dong Erlang, are naturally funny. He doesn’t have to do anything. Lol. I also find myself laughing with them, and not at them, which is the kind of comedy i like.

2. Every character is interesting. It’s hard to make main characters feel like someone the audience can relate to or be one they wanna get to know more. All the more, the minor characters and this movie nails it. I found myself wanting to know more about Shuo Shuo’s uncle and if he was able to overcome his crippling anxiety of meeting new people and going out. What happened to Kevin’s assistant/translator lol I was laughing so much watching his struggle to act as translators to the foreign dancers 😂😂😂. Shuo Shuo’s performing troupe. The story of his parents. The film is not only about Chen Shuo or Ding Lei. It’s their lives and the people in it.

3. It portrayed the struggles we experience in life without being too melodramatic. Critics have said that Dapeng’s movies focus more on showing the lives of the “little people” and what it’s like. He thrives on telling their stories and I have to agree on that. Ding Lei said that Shuo Shuo’s life could be a melodrama and maybe it is for some, but to those who have experienced life as it is, you could say that this is the reality. There is no magic solution. Shuo Shuo had to leave E-mark, Ding Lei and the team had to give up their “studio” and it’s comfort to be free, Patrick had to leave the team and Luffy is retiring etc. It was more than a movie about Dancing.

4. The Music is amazing! From key moments to the actual battles. The song choices were perfect. 🤍 Even when there was no conventional music playing, like that final battle and Shuo Shuo had to dance while the audience gave him a beat. Peng Fei did a great job with this!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

5. SDC personalities making an appearance. Oh! One of the reasons I loved this is the familiar faces. Knowing that the film was done alongside SDC 5 and they had to move to Hangzhou to make it work. It definitely paid off cause the film is Gorgeous. You can tell that everyone pulled their weight to make this happen. I appreciated seeing Yangkai as a judge in the national competition. I’m not familiar with MonkeyZ prior to him being in this film, but seeing him, well, congratulations on making the National Team in real life. JrTaco & David who have been Yibo’s friends even before they did SDC with him. AAAANNNDDD ROCHKA! My personal favorite. The apple of my eye. Seeing him shine in the final battle rounds 😍😍😍😍

6. The quirky moments. The characters and their own quirks added flavor to them and the story. Especially Ding Lei and his love for the TV drama Empress in the Palace or how he wears diapers 😂

7. WANG YIBO WAS SO FREAKIN HANDSOME IN THIS FILM AND IT NEEDS IT’S OWN ENTRY.

For someone who watched a lot of videos of him as Chen Shuo from actual scenes + behind the scenes. saw the photos. Edited a couple of those videos and photos — I knew Shuo Shuo is exceptional. But that didn’t prepare me at all for the full effect of seeing him in the big screen. I have to admit for the first few minutes of his scenes I wanted to hit pause so I can take a moment — I can’t tho cause I’m in a Cinema. 😂😂😂 HE IS BEAUTIFUL. This is the Yibo that they had to make an effort to look “scruffy” and give him ordinary clothes. The result? Still the most gorgeous human being. Tho in the movie, he is still supposed to look “handsome” but it’s his mom who is the only one who says it. So it gives you the impression that it’s just like how moms think their kids are the most handsome. BUT NO. NO. It’s dangerous how handsome he is in this film 😭

That scene when he falls down spinning when the train stops — and he looks at the girl apologetically? Dude! How??????? How???? Tell me!!!! SO BEAUTIFUL 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

8. WANG YIBO as Chen Shuo. The reason why I watched this movie in the first place. He played the role so well. He is such a lovable character and as a viewer, I can’t help but root for him. I loved the scenes where he was just living his life — trying to balance his responsibilities and reaching his dreams. The dance sequences. How he cried after that Star Dance (?) performance! It was so raw! It felt like he was just too overwhelmed with everything that he became emotional. Best Actor Wang Yibo!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 That’s what I always loved about him as an actor. He doesn’t have to exaggerate. He is a natural. You watch him and see a real person and not a caricature. What else? His little smiles. How he interacts with other characters are good too, especially his Mom. I want a son like Shuo Shuo please. such a good boy! 😌😌😌

I’m so thankful to meet Yibo as Chen Shuo. This character and the movie is truly a gift to everyone who watches it. 🤍

I hope Shuo Shuo continues to live well, in the unreleased easter egg, it was revealed that he was accepted to the National Team. I wish him all the best!

-END.

#personal #wang yibo #one and only movie #i hope this becomes available on netflix cause it’s gonna be my comfort movie #and so casual viewers will get to enjoy it ^^

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tiyoin · 3 days

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pt.4 | 📍pt.5

rewrote, edited and proofread chapter five cause I thought it was horseshit and you guys deserved more from me. 🫶

numb.

you tried to feel numb.

doing everything in your power to push down any kind of emotion that was ready to slip through your mask.

look ahead, stand tall, put one foot in front of the other so no one would know you were wearing a confidence coat that was 2 sizes too small.

don't breathe too loud they'll hear you.

don't step too loud they'll think about your weight.

don't blink too much they'll think you're fluttering your lashes at them.

don't tuck your chin in they'll think you're gross.

gross for what exactly? everything.

don't mess up the stepping pattern or else you'll look like a bumbling idiot as you try to get back on the rhythm.

don't clench your fists they'll think you're mad and unapproachable.

don't smile because you're not in front of a mirror where you can control how much you want to give away.

don't think too hard or else you'll become enraptured with your daydreams and you won't be able to take part in reality.

don't do anything with your lips or else some air will come in and create a sound that sounds similar to a fart. then they'll think you're extra gross.

all these rules you had to follow to 'be normal,' weren't an actual set of rules, but a lifestyle. you wouldn't get collared if you didn't do one of the rules, you wouldn't get yelled at or reprimanded.

you were okay. to your knowledge that is.

on the outside, you probably looked like you had a stick up your ass. always in a rush to get to where you needed to go. like one of those rolling backpack kids back in your world. whenever they would pass they'd take casualties with them. rolling over toes, pencils, teachers- there was nothing in their way they couldn't bulldoze through.

you were just missing the wheels and will of iron it took to be seen with such a… what’s the right word- atrocity, in public, let alone an all-boys school.

underneath the habits and self-induced numbness, past all the anxiety and fear there was a tickle. not an actual tickle, but a sudden feeling you couldn't identify. it wasn't rage or frustration. you weren't sad or envious... you think- it was something gentler than that.

something softer yet just as negative was infesting your heart and mind like a slow-acting poison. poisoning your thought process, your habits, your attitude, and your livelihood.

though the breeze and sunshine walking to class supplied your flesh with warm- there was a chill over your heart. the beams of warmth too short to reach into the many cracks and holes that were created. sometimes you thought there was a bug. a big, juicy parasitic bug that would suck away your hopes and feast on your memories. It had a sweet tooth that was for certain, only targeting happy memories as it kept you with the bad ones.

did you ever have happy memories?

there was nothing you could do about the pestering leech. it wouldn't go away with Kalim's warmth and silver's calm. two sides of the same coin.

but no matter how many times you flipped: heads or tails, heads or tails, heads or tails would never work.

yes, you would smile, you would laugh- put on a poor show to convince yourself and others that there was nothing wrong. Everything was okay deep down and inside your twisted little mind.

sometimes, you weren't sure who exactly you were performing for.

"why am I scared to laugh" you remembered asking yourself one night, putting down your jester's hat for the evening.

looking in the dusty mirror, your eyes carefully roamed your face, ticking off imperfections as you scanned every feature, scrutinizing every fold, and every slight bump on your skin. saving the most obvious imperfection for last, you finally acknowledged the brewing red horn ready to grow on the side of your forehead.

you knew it was a normal thing that teenagers of all ages experienced. but you felt especially helpless now, with the lack of beauty supplies and makeup. but with a quick brush of your hair, the brewing red horn disappeared behind some tresses of hair.

"I look like a demon"

...

"though if it was on my nose, i'd look like rudolph"

there was no punchline. yet the observation- not even an original comparison, made you laugh.

A tiny huff puffed from your chest. though the more you imagined yourself with deer ears and a bright lobster red nose, you could feel your thoracic region start to shake. trying to push the sixth sense of judgment the walls were giving you, you forced yourself to laugh. holding onto this artificial laugh as long as you could. you hadn't laughed in a while. hadn't smiled in a minute. you'd barely look at yourself in the mirror most days.

gripping onto the vanity you watched your eyes crinkle and smile stretch. tripping and stumbling over scattered objects in your room you were still clenching your stomach nonetheless.

you felt like a tumbling tornado. clumsily tripping over everything with no set destination or concern for the things in your path. a shoe got kicked up. a pen you remembered liking got stepped and rolled on. a book you read a few nights ago kicked to the door as you set your eyes on your bed. with a few more violent acts towards inanimate objects, you carried your shaking body to bed.

this was it. you were going insane, weren't you?

all you needed was a canvas and paints and you'd truly become insane.

flopping down unceremoniously you let it linger for a second. sighing in contentment as you stared up at the ceiling.

you loved laughing, it was fun! but you were afraid to laugh, to live. remembering Kalim's quote of 'Everything is fun when you make it fun,' you wanted to scoff at his naivety. but Kalim was right.

if you made things miserable for yourself that's how they'll be.

directing your mind back to your head, you blinked owlishly.

oh. you were so caught up in the daydream you forgot you were in the hallways.

peeking through bumping shoulders, you tried looking towards the wall to check the room number.

"shit"

making a giant u-turn with as many 'excuse me's' and 'pardon me's,' you rerouted yourself back to your class. never having walked this way to class you were a bit hesitant. what if you walked by it again? what if someone is watching you and making fun of you for being a daft idiot?

breathe.

but what if you're late for class? crewel will have your hide- skin? doesn't matter what it is cause it'll be his. what if they all laugh when we're late-

we're not late yet it's only-

but when we get to class we'll be late!

perking up when you noticed the assigned numbers to your class, you weaved through the chattering sardines and beelined it to class.

no bell. no expectant crewel. no eyes besides from the easy-to-ignore front row. perfect.

the sigh you were holding in finally set itself free as you adjusted the grip of your books, and you strolled down the isles.

don't walk too fast they'll think you're strange.

but also don't walk too slow so they don't think you're lazy.

head down absent-mindedly adjusting your books, you followed your hand's cue and put your attention on a fixed thing. aka: your books.

but to your relief, you soon found your seat. with a huff, you unloaded the cargo pulled out some loose-leaf paper, and started writing.

writing what? not even you knew. but it made you look busy and that was important.

you didn't lay around in bed all day. you didn't continuously scroll through your phone to distract yourself. you didn't cry at night looking at everyone's socials, wishing it was you having fun. envy bubbling like a nasty tar in your bloodstream as you scorned everyone for having fun when you're miserbale-

"y/n!'

"oow"

sliding in next to you was silver. hair disheveled and tie ever so crooked, though he still looked really good-

pervert a voice whispered. tensing, you looked around and saw no one paying attention to your little corner.

"I tried calling you in the hallway." his boyish smile eased a beat in your rhythmic heart, only for it to take 2 more beats.

"y-you did?" you gulped.

silver nodded as he organized his books. "Yeah, but it's so chaotic and loud I'm guessing you didn't hear me" you nodded in agreement, tongue slipping over itself as you tried conjuring up an excuse.

"I- uh I'm really sorry I didn't hear you. I didn't even know you were there! I was kinda worried about not being elbowed to death." you didn't know why you were chuckling at the end but it felt scene-appropriate. you weren't sure if you believed what you told silver despite it being the truth.

was he going to refute it? was he going to give you a once over and mentally think 'how dare they ignore me' because all the diasomnia students you'd interact with had that very haughty, entitled personality?

but to your slight dissatisfaction, silver only nodded in understanding.

"I'm real-"

"There's no-"

you both started at the same time, sharing a shy smile at the pause.

"you can go ahead" he nodded. Waving your hands, you disagreed. "you were talking first, I'm sorry, go ahead"

even though you gave the green light, silver still heisted to go. giving the air another few seconds before he started talking.

"there is no need to ask for forgiveness. I understand if you couldn't hear me, I'm not the most vocal after all. if only sebek were here" he mulled the last part. wincing at the name, you wanted to pinch yourself for slipping up. damnit you showed that you didn't like a person he was friends with- he'll hate you now. you're screwed, you screwed yourself. don't you understand that he's probably planning on running to sebek as soon as you leave? then everyone in diasomnia is going to hate you-

you nodded, tiny little yellow sponges in white shirts and red ties ran around your brain as a fire roared throughout- wherever they were inside your head.

you tried to push the flood of incoming thoughts into a box, a big red crate with a crab lock to be exact. you were feeling antsy, looking for anything to focus on besides the silver-haired upperclassman in front of you.

sometimes you wish you were a computer. unable to feel and to only run on logic. it seems easier that way.

a thought bubble popped into your brain like an internet pop-up ad.

did they even have computers in twisted wonderland? duh of course they do, they have phones after all.

the thought of twisted wonderland's technology started to swarm and hijack your train of thought. effectively taking out the conductor and changing its course.

did they also have an Industrial Revolution like the United States had? what was the start of it? which kingdom had it first? was there something to set off the alleged revolution? How is it the same and how is it different from your world's?

did magic have allay in it? of course, it did. but how did magic make it different than-

"y/n"

snapping your head at the familiar voice. you looked to silver. only able to take in physical information as the new conductor saw a hole in the tracks, pulling the breaks almost immediately.

"you okay there?"

slowly you nodded, as a few members of the hijacking team jumped out of the train- some ideas and questions with it.

"yeah.. sorry about that, kinda got lost in my train of thought there"

nodding with understanding, silver started talking about how he would sometimes start nodding off when he was talking to someone. half paying attention, half trying to save the train- your brain was split in half as you took in all internal and external information.

until you heard the magic words everyone loves to hear: "what were you thinking ab-"

"The Industrial Revolution"

"... pardon?"

anddd you failed, the train fell into the deep deep gorge that the tracks would normally allow the said train to glide over... but alas! they were gone! blown to smithereens as it guided the train into the deep cavern. a big explosion followed soon after.

"dont worry about it" you brushed him off. saved by the bell as Crewel stood up, riding crop in hand yelling out orders like a drill sergeant.

silver scooted closer. you scooted back, the original distance between you two doubling. you were focused on writing your name, date etc & etc, on another loose-leaf paper.

the dreamy-eyed second-year made some noises before he knew what he was going to say. he started softly "are you okay"? but then grew slightly louder as unease set in "from... last class? I mean I know yuu told me it was a touchy subject but... i just wanted to check in"

your pencil screeched to a halt as the words 'yuu told me-' chanted in your head. it was the only thing you could focus on because what did he mean 'yuu said-'. "what did yuu say." you spoke, voice stable for the first time that morning.

silver's tongue tied itself as he fixed his hair a bit. "well..." he straightened up slightly, "after you stormed... no, escape is a better word. after you escaped the classroom yuu followed before i could. but crewel ended up stopping me before i could even move. and i asked yuu what happened the next time i saw them and asked how you were doing.. to sum it up: they told me you get nervous around new people soo"

dread set over you like a fast-approaching shadow.

oh no. he thinks you're a weird socially inept loser doesn't he? he thinks you're some kind of loser that doesn't go out weekends, weekdays, any day for all that matter. he probably makes fun of you with sebek. right?

"ah well," you cleared your throat. a lie already on the tip of your tongue "I mean it's like- a yes and no kinda thing. I didn't have a lot of guy friends when I was younger so being thrust" you thrust your hands in emphasis "into an al guys school has been quite the adjustment."

quickly, your mind conjured up a painting of a small house in a meadow filled with wildflowers. it was the only thing you could see for miles. it was a nice house with a straw roof, a smoking brick chimney, and a little garden outback. the only problem with the house is that you blew it up.

with nuclear missiles.

and the intensity of the blast was so strong that it created a small crater in the earth, no traces of the house were left as it's entire existence was reduced to ash and rubble all because of you.

the urge to bash your head into the nearest wall like intruding hornets slipping through a crack in an attic to terrorize a small family. there goes your social life right?? what soil life? you killed it before you could even nurture it!

your mouth and mind were running on autopilot while your conscience went blank.

your mouth was a fountain that spewed water everywhere. trying to get yourself out of the hole you dug yourself- crater, more specifically.

"but uhhh yeah, no you're good! you're different and I'm quite glad I got partnered with you since you're not as..."

"boisterous?" silver quipped.

you nodded. silver chuckled, leaning further away from you. "yeah me too. if I got paired with one of your friends only the sevens know how much damage that'll do to my physical and mental well-being"

you both discreetly looked over at the rest of the class watching as all pairs seemed to be in some kind of chaos. whether it's floyd being impulsive, grim trying to add the wrong chemical into a potion. (you didn't even need to know what they were making to know that whatever he's trying to sneak in- doesn't belong there.)

and you were thanking whatever god the people of twisted wonderland worshipped that you weren't paired with one of the adeuce combo. ace would try to take control of the project, pretending he knew what he was doing while simultaneously giving you backhanded compliments on your intelligence. only to ruin the entire project and somehow find a way to blame you for it.

meanwhile, deuce and you would be two peas in a squished pod: not knowing what you're supposed to be doing and ultimately winging it as you tried to match your hot barbie pink potion to crewel's muted blush potion. knowing the both of you, it would end up navy blue and when crewel went to fix it he would add a pinch of fleabane- a literal pinch, and it'd be fixed. embarrassing the both of you for all eternity.

"I wonder which group is gonna blow up the lab first mused quick to shut your lips, you were quick to wish for a sewing kit to forcefully shut you up.

but a small voice whispered 'it's better to take risks than stay comfortable.'

and silver seemed... nice.

silver looked out at the crowd for a moment longer, turning to you he started slowly, "while the yuu, grim, and ace trio seem to be the most obvious choice...." he thought carefully, "epel and deuce seem to be at a loss of what to do and are about 6 shade off. which surprised me since epel is in pomfiore"

"he's actually sh- really-" you started again, taking a moment to think over what you were going to say "I heard that epel's not that great at potions despite being under vil's careful watch...." silver's eyes widened, replying with a soft 'really?' as he looked back to the groups with newfound interest.

you to yourself "never judge a book by its cover" you shrugged, immediately turning to your work. anxiously, you waited for a response.

although circumstances are vastly different- is this how people felt when in the talking stage? if so it was a dreadful experience.

before your pessimistic thoughts could even start, silver responded with a chuckle, enviably agreeing with your statement. you could almost sweat with relief as an invisible weight got lifted from your shoulders.

silver seems nice...

a new voice, meek and unsteady although louder than the usual pessestimic ones in control. and for once, you allowed yourself to feel the slight comfortable tingle it gave you.

the hope and drive to that you haven't felt or experienced in a while.

you wished to get closer to him.

taglist : @abell2029cluster @a1-ic3 @ars-tral @xingyunny @creamsweets @skei2p @dn4su @jjsmeowthie @h0rr0r-10ver-69 @nefe-kav @d3sperate-enuf @y2unagiz @im-here-for-the-fun-of-it @mel-star636 @7yu @lucky-whispers

#twisted anxiety 🌀#I was low-key ashamed with the last chapter ngl despite all your comments. I hope this makes up for it 🫶#twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #tiyoin 🔎#azul x reader #silver x reader #malleus x reader #idia x reader #vil x reader #leona x reader

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call-of-ishmael · 20 days

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The Last Ishmael OCD Post

One of my first times that i dabbled into character analysis was about Ishmael's OCD, people like that post but i really feel i could have done better

Canto V was my last major chapter i was willing to read. As i put more distance between me and the story, i want one final farewell in the form of finally fixing up my analysis

PART I: THE META-TEXTUAL

Before i delve into the writing itself, here is some pointers the story gives to her OCD in the form of flavor text and descriptions.

Firstly we have her Bio

This is easy to miss as its just a tiny blurb above her whole intro blurb.

Now, "obsessive compulsive neurosis" is a very weird way to phrase it, "obsessive compulsive" is clear enough but "neurosis" is odd, this is not TOO odd though, as "neurotic" used to be how OCD was classified as a disorder.

However if we look at her bio in Korean, the particulars do simply straight up say "OCD" very clearly, you'd need to MTL but this was also confirmed to me by a friend from SK

The sinner bios are biased though, and are written through a very corporate lens, so lets see if there's any other pointers elsewhere

Her base EGO, Snagharpoon, actually does just that

Her passives name is called "Compulsion" and in its gameplay design its a very interesting way to also point to it

Ishmael is a very all or nothing person, you do it well or you don't do it at all, and this is reflected on how this passive aids you to play

This passive is excellent for boosting the consistency of playing by only going for "Favored" or "Dominating" clashes, while punishing you for taking chances on clashes you MIGHT win

Base ID Ishmael is also a unit with all single coins, rolling tails puts her in a very unfavorable position so this also adds an extra safety net on top. Worth noting being all single coins is also a high risk high reward type of play style.

Finally we see two more pointers id like to note, both from Canto V

The Compulsive`s Knot, an ego gift themed after a naval rope, one of many in the dungeon all alluding to her struggles.

Most obviously though

Her exclusive status effect, Compulsion. This is in direct reference to her EGO passive, providing an attack boost at the same time it provides a drawback in the form of low SP.

We are gonna talk a bit more about this passive since it ties into another gameplay oriented way to point towards her OCD

During the story dungeon we have an event where a noise is heard, you are given two choices, check, gain SP, don't check, lose SP.

Compulsive checking is probably the most well known (to the conditions detriment we will talk about it later) hallmark of OCD

Notably, this doesn't aid Ishmael, while checking can avoid the combat encounter, not checking only has a chance of triggering it, and most interestingly, her SP will always start at -25 during combat encounters. Meaning the temporary boost in her sanity will just get reset next battle, should you decide to check. Checking wont satisfy her anxiety for more than a brief moment.

Lastly the most obvious ones are all the references to Obsession. These are so abundant i feel if you are familiar with the Canto its redundant to have them, i wanted to draw more attention to the allusions to compulsion, as they are less common.

PART II: BEFORE THE STORM

Even since before her own Canto, we can see Ishmael's ruminating and anxious tendencies pop up during previous chapters, which for OCD is important to explore as OCD is an anxious and ruminating disorder.

So lets talk a little bit about OCD! Its a disorder characterized by repetitive and constant intrusive urges to perform a task or a thought (lets keep this in mind for later)

These thoughts or actions are used to try to relieve stress from an anxiety inducing thought or situation. The most common example is OCD exacerbating germ phobia, and causing people who have it to wash their hands in excess.

While OCD is usually described as "irrational thoughts" i feel that's a pretty limited way to view it in my own experience with it. OCD compulsions and thoughts can be informed by very real worries, the worry of getting sick, of making the wrong moral choices, of hurting others. Being clean is a normal and a good practice to stave off getting sick, its the frequency and intensity that turns it maladaptive, OCD turns your own lived fears and traumas against you, and those might very well be real things to worry about, which makes dealing with it very hard.

Enough of that off to the writing!

Lets start with Canto II

This is the first example of her constant need for a lack of ambiguity, previous to this we see her complain about the treatment the sinners are receiving from Effie and Saude, skeptical of the whole deal.

Until shes shown the plans, they are so well crafted shes able to anchor to that and calm down.

This by itself is not really much other than being very detail oriented, lets look a bit further into the chapter

Here we see that aspect elaborated upon more, this moment is framed as a very important one between Dante and Ishmael in their dynamic later on, Ishmael is incredibly upset at the plan having fallen apart so quickly, while yes this is not unreasonable to be upset at, her anger is remarked on by Dante and Gregor as very intense and unusual. This in my opinion is a minor but clear indication her need for planning and considering every option is due to a deep anxiety, but don't take it from me, lets look at Canto III

Here we are told pretty explicitly, Ishmael moving quickly and asking lots of questions is something Dante has noted as an anxious habit.

And here we have more elaboration on what exactly that moment at the Casino meant for Ishmael, it was enough anger and disappointment she has stopped expecting Dante to perform well and instead taken it upon herself to see things go according to plan, this is VERY important to her.

And her worries, are repetitive enough to annoy others, and to be remarked upon by Dante.

This is perhaps the more notable chain of events to point out previous to her chapters aside from 4.5, as it helps contextualize all her usual ways of acting in a more complete light, showing a lot of this is driven by a deep anxiety

And this all makes S.E.A all the more interesting as it pays off on this.

Something i quite enjoy about Limbus is how it re-contextualizes things characters have previously done and said. And the events of S.E.A and Canto V bring a lot of interesting stuff to the table

Lets get cracking with this chapter

In general shes extremely confrontational, and tense, more than usual

But its her anxious outbursts i wanna focus on, what she puts

emphasis on.

This chapter is so crucial in this whole analysis. We see some behaviors way more clearly now, firstly we see her emphasize her need to be absolutely 100% prepared for this, no ambiguity no risks she wants certainty.

But we see something even more clearly and that's her ruminating behaviors, shes brought up things like this to a smaller extent before like commenting on a lot of aspects but here we see in full display her inner world become externalized, shes started voicing worries shes never voiced before can Dante turn them back always? What if Dante dies? What if the sinners get eaten can that be turned back?

And these don't all get brought up immediately, she mentions them in different conversations, pointing to the fact shes constantly going over the subject in her head with no pause, and she gets frustrated when she cannot work on these worries when she cant do anything to quell the anxiety.

And the last part, when Dante finds her so fixated in her planning its impossible to even talk to her. She has to perform some action do something to stave off the disaster she can see coming in her head

As someone with OCD inevitably i have to mention the personal component that drew me to analyze this was how real this feels to when you spiral

A lot of the times OCD is explained as the compulsions being something you do cause you feel its a sort of ritual to stave off disaster. Its in this way i see it reflected in this moment.

As we see with Heathcliff acting as her foil, he points out her worrying is really not doing much other than just her talking and talking, and by the state shes in when Dante checks in on her, aimless not even paying attention to anything else we see the main objective of the planning really isn't practical as much as a compulsive coping mechanism.

She has to do something

PART III: INTO THE DARK

Lots to cover and honestly i will make a companion post to this with all the examples, so for this section i wanna cover some highlights instead, as well as a general discussion of the tone.

The way this chapter is structured is very interesting, its really reflective of the mental state of Ishmael. The chapter feels really aimless, they wander around not really ever finding what they need, which drives Ishmael more and more tense and frustrate

Its a good continuation to how we see her by the end of S.E.A fixated on one goal one thing

As previously stated shes inflicted with a constant special and unique to her status effect called "Compulsion" as covered in Part I

Her behavior is also reflective of this

For a good part of the first third of the chapter shes in her room, the whole time whetting her harpoon, nonstop

However you might notice compulsion is not as present as obsession, and compulsion is also important to OCD its in the acronym! And i have seen others point to it too

However id like you to remember, in the post earlier i said thoughts can fit into OCD, compulsions can be mental and sometimes almost exclusively or mostly mental. Its even in the DSM noted that for diagnosis the compulsions to count you for a diagnosis can be mental in nature

Its in this aspect that i feel Ishmael shines a lot

In general OCD in media is lacking in representation and is often a trait given to assholes or villains

The normal conception of OCD in movies or TV is of neat freaks or control freaks, Compulsion is usually heavily emphasized when it isn't the whole picture

Often ignored though is the aspect of Obsession, some people can have Purely Obsessional OCD (Pure O), this isn't a formal diagnosis or term but its colloquially used by people who have it. Its a bit of a misnomer, as compulsions are present but internalized as mental rituals or rumination

Usually its harder to diagnose, its harder to treat as there's no apparent compulsions others can see, and the people having it seem pretty high functioning to the people around them.

This can be noticed though in people avoiding certain subjects, avoidant behaviors can be the clearest external behavior.

I personally read Ishmael as having more mental compulsions, the way she tends to be a more ruminating and anxious character than outwardly compulsive

During S.E.A and Canto V we see outward compulsions more but from the examples from previous Cantos we can see that's not her usual and she operates more on anxious overthinking most of the time.

However another aspect that ties into mental compulsions is in the previously mentioned avoidant behaviors, we see her isolate and try to stave of having to deal with her worries in both S.E.A and the beginning of Canto V when shes in her room, in both cases doing some excessive preparation in a compulsive way.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

As previously stated Canto V deserves its own companion post, and ill work on that later, i feel this encapsulates what i wanted to say well enough.

I wanted to discuss the previous signs of her behaviors that make me certain her OCD is an intended textual read, and in my opinion a well executed one

Canto V was hard to read as it felt very real and very familiar to the worst times i have had due to my OCD.

Shes a character that despite my distaste i have developed for the franchise, it will never stop meaning a lot to me same as her chapter will always be a piece of storytelling that affected me deeply in ways others haven't

To close i want to leave off what i feel encapsulates the feeling pretty well, in my favorite moment with the membrane consuming her as a metaphor for letting fear, anger, obsessions and compulsions cloud your mind until you forget why you were even there

To you, dear reader, Bon Voyage

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