#my brain went goo in the dungeon

[bunnyanqel]

A Simple Favor (2)

[1]  [2]  [3]  [4]  [5]

Summary: Aliyah agrees to play D&D if only for Eddie.

Warnings: nsfw content, MDNI, 18+, a dash of angst, oral sex, vaginal fingering, profanity, mentions of drug use

The Hellfire Room was dim, cast in a soft red glow from whatever lights Eddie and his friends had set up when Aliyah showed up.

Her heart was hammering as she approached the long table set up in front of an intricate throne, and the squeak of her sneakers were the only noise that signified her entrance.

One of the boys turned to her. She recognized him as Jeff Tanner, a boy in one of her classes, and managed a smile as he rose and intercepted her.

“Jeff, right?” she said by a mean of greeting.

Broad-shouldered and solidly-built, he was one of the few Black kids in school, and from what she recalled, he was level-headed.

She liked him immensely.

“Yeah. Aliyah, right?”

Before either could say more, a strong, deep voice interrupted them. “So you’re the one those two brats recruited to fill Sinclair’s spot, huh?”

Jeff returned to his position, and Aliyah almost lost her breath at the sight of Eddie, up close and personal, in the flesh. Her memory and the quick glances she’d cast hadn’t done him justice. At all.

His hair was just as dark but his curls were frizzier, messier up close, and she hadn’t accounted for the white brunette’s pink, pink mouth that was thinned into a serious line right now. Her eyesight hadn’t caught the long fringe of the eyelashes that bracketed rich-brown puppy-dog eyes.

She’d never seen him without the denim vest that he wore every day, like an amor against all sneering, close-minded comments, and the sight of his bare forearms, the hair, the tattoos, the silver bracelet on one wrist was more than enough to make her stomach clench. And her clit pulse.

“You got a problem with me?” she asked, sounding braver than she felt, and ignored how her pulse went haywire in her throat as his gaze swept over her from head to toe.

Her skin tightened with goosebumps as she stood there, frozen under his intense inspection. Her rock-hard nipples pushed against the fabric of her top, and the slight reddening of his face told her saw it.

“I don’t know yet.” He leaned back, any flash of embarrassment gone, his face a cool, intimidating mask. After a minute, he leaned forward, bracing his hands on the table. “This isn’t Girl Scouts, you know.”

“Holy fuck. You don’t say?” The words escaped before she could reign them back in, and her pulse throbbed in her ears as she waited for his reply.

“One shot,” he said finally, his expression grave, his eyes serious as she’d ever seen them. “If she messes this shit up, it’s on your heads.” He tossed the words at Mike and Dustin, the former seeming terrified while the latter rolled his eyes.

The session went amazing.

She’d never had so much fun, never smiled so big or laughed so loudly that her throat was sore at the end. All because of the DM.

Eddie’s enthusiasm was infectious, his flair for dramatics only adding to the tension of his brilliant story-telling. It seemed like that large-than-life persona he displayed in the cafeteria so often translated well to D&D.

“So what’s your verdict, dungeon master?” she asked, fighting keep her voice steady and her eyes not goo-gooey at him. “Did I earn my favor?”

“Favor?” He quirked an eyebrow at her, dragging his attention away from packing up things to focus it solely on her.

Her heart sputtered pathetically in her chest at his singular attention, and she squeezed her hands into fists against the way her mind screamed all sorts of delicious, dirty things. It zeroed in on the well-manicured fingernails and those fingers that would no doubt feel so good inside of her pussy. It conjured the image of his mouth wrapped around one of her dark nipples, sucking.

Torture. She was being fucking tormented by her own goddamn mind, and she wouldn’t stop it for a minute. Somewhere she knew her brain was only cataloging every tiny detail about him for fantasy fodder, since she’d doubtlessly never get this close to him again. Close enough to smell the body spray he used—Axe.

If she ever thought about his smell, she’d have guessed marijuana or something. But this suited him. It was some Axe body wash and, beneath it, the aroma or marijuana that seemed to cling to him no matter what. Cling to his hair, his clothes.

Oh dear, she was so, so gone for him. If he’d asked her to crawl to him, she would’ve. If he asked her to bark like a dog, she would. She’d have rubbed her pussy all over his leg if he asked. Pathetic, really. This obsession and consuming desire for him.

The sound of metal on wood made her jolt back to reality, to a pair of dark eyes that watched her interestedly, an expectant expression on his face.

“I filled in for Lucas, so you owe me a favor, Eddie,” she managed to croak once she gathered enough moisture in her mouth to speak.

He didn’t reply immediately and instead focused on cleaning up. It wasn’t until everything had been cleared off and the players had broken into groups that he replied, his voice hard, a complete contrast to the energetic man he’d been for almost four hours straight. Like with her simple remark, she’d sucked all of the joy out of him.

He fixed her with a blank stare before he blinked it away and nodded to himself. “You want drugs, right?”

That might’ve been easier. She deliberated for a few seconds, wondering if he’d laugh her out the door if she voiced her real request, and gathered every single bit of courage in her body.

“A date,” she bit out finally. Blurted out, really, complete with the crack of her voice and the wobble of her pierced bottom lip. “I—I want a date.” She inhaled. Tasted the dry, stale air that burned going down her throat. “With you. That’s—that’s all I want, Eddie.”

He froze then, just for a moment, and she thought she’d just made the biggest mistake. Mortification and angry embarrassment made themselves a nest in her chest, and she began to back peddle, to shrink back. To deny it, laugh it off, but he didn’t let her.

He gave her an appraising, quick look that made her mouth dry.

“Sure, sure,” he muttered.

The big, stupid, insipid, lovesick smile that spread across her face was wholly against her will.

Christ on a cracker, she was gone.

#eddie munson smut #bunny's writing #my writing #bunny writes

[cloudninetonine]

Guess it’s Legend loving hours, huh? Felt like there wasn’t much of a conclusion for the set up so here’s a second part to what I already wrote!

—

Legend had to give it you, your puzzle solving skills were on point, better than him even. Each one they came up upon didn’t take long at all.

Legend had internally bemoaned when the pair had pulled up on the first one, dreading the thought of your constant chattering whilst you made zero progress. He had assumed he’d need to let his pride go and tell you how to do everything, but just as he was about to speak up you hummed, set him down, and pulled gears and cogs into the their correct positions at an incredibly fast rate. Within seconds the door had been revealed and the two of you were able to continue on.

So you did have a working brain, okay, your battle prowess on the other hand? You left much to be desired.

A huff, more akin to a sniffle in his bunny body, left him as he spectated your pathetic attempts to skewer one of Time’s chuchu slimes. It was by no means infected, Legend had faced Time’s chuchus before, one’s who had been under the shadow’s influence, and those took a lot more slicing to split them.

However, knowing that these were easily beatable monsters made it all the more frustrating how much you dawdled with the slime. If anything were to make him believe you weren’t in with the enemy, it was your downright embarrassing skills in fighting.

Finally, finally the tiny bit of goo got a little too close to your shoe for comfort, you shrieked bloody murder and stabbed into it’s mouth violently, killing it.

“Haa, haa… holy shit Legend did you see that?!” You exclaimed with sparkling eyes directed at him, as if you had just saved the world with the untimely death of the terrifying glob. “Those guys are much scarier than Wild’s! I think I’m getting good at this, I’m pumped up now! What’s next?” You smiled widely and paced over to him, wiping sweat from your forehead.

Legend grumbled, giving you his best glare.

“Yes yes, you’re terrifying, now let’s go!” You scooped up Legend’s little form and skipped through the rest of the dingy hall with much more enthusiasm than before.

Legend shifted uncomfortably in your hold, as they progressed through the dungeon it got more dark and grimy. Slime and rot lined the walls as water dripped from the ceiling. The ground had been drenched in a shallow layer of disgustingly murky water, Legend’s entire underbelly was now soaked with brown as was most of your trouser legs.

The two of you approached a locked gate, one with a key lock. Legend wanted to scream, they had apparently missed a key and would now have to back track Hylia knows how long-

You clicked your tongue before bending over and sticking your hand into the water. You rummaged about for a moment before standing straight with a minuscule rock shard in your grasp.

You stuck the shard into the lock, small clicks coming from within. “I locked myself in the closet or bathroom one too many times as a kid, so my mother taught me how to pick locks. Not the greatest insight on her end, seeing as I mostly ended up using it to steal old Christmas lights from a door in the attic, but I’ve used it to get out of a few jams before. Aha!” You cheered as the golden lock clicked open. You slid it off the door and waited for it to open.

“Surprised you guys never went to anyone to learn this trick during your journeys, would’ve saved you many grievances I’m sure. All you gotta do is think outside the box some and-” You strutted in Cooley before being interrupted as the door slammed down behind the two of you. A set of bars slid from the frame, blocking their way out.

“It closed on us? But that usually only happens when-“ Your face very suddenly paled, mouth falling open in horror. “Shit.”

Tremors wracked the rectangular room as the water sloshed against your waist. You both turned and looked at the center of the room in terror as something arose from the grime.

A gaunt, stretched out face, pulled into a silent scream towered above you. Dark sockets looked into nothing as a sorrowful wail came from the thing’s long maw. Stumps akin to a featherless cucco waved about as the bloodied blob convulsed in place.

“Dead Hand.” You faintly whispered. Pure, unadulterated fear laced your tone sharply as you stared wide-eyed at the strange creature. “That’s Dead Hand.”

The supposed ‘Dead Hand’ jerked its gnarled face in your direction, warbling like the sickening creature it was. Legend shivered at the sound of it, just what in the world was this thing?

The Dead Hand grunted, looking up at the ceiling as it dove back under the sloshing waves. A dozen white, gangly limbs rocketed upwards, dancing in place with twitching, wrinkled fingers.

“Fuck, how is there another one? The Old Man should’ve killed the only one of these guys! Shit.” You muttered with more panic and hysteria than he had heard the day you dropped down into their world and tried to ‘explain’ to them what you knew.

“Okay, Legend? That’s a Dead Hand. The only way to beat a Dead Hand is to be captured by one of its… its hands, it is then lured to the surface where you can escape its clutch and attack it blind. The problem? I’m absolutely not physically strong enough to escape it.” You hastily explained, a glistening layer shining over your eyes.

“Fuck- fuck! I don’t know what to do here other than-“ The creature seemingly got impatient as a number of more hands sprang up, one right next to you.

You screamed as the thing grabbed you by leg, holding you and Legend were hoisted up and into the air. You kicked and screamed whilst Legend watched in horror as the Dead Hand slowly rose from the water.

He needed to think of something, now. But what? What could he do? He was stuck in this useless rabbit body, unable to even defend himself let alone-

“All you gotta do is think outside the box some…” Your words from earlier came back to him. It had to be some sort of saying in your world, but what did it mean?

He swirled his head around and spotting something hidden within a nook in the ceiling. Two small gears with a line shaping up to be a square laid unseen, supposedly a hatch of some sort.

Thinking outside the box, eh? Well, he may not know the metaphorical meaning you were going for, but he at least understood the literal.

Legend wiggles in your grasp, wincing at your yelps of panic as he climbed your trousers. He reached the back of the monster’s hand. Wobbling unsteadily, he tested his wait when stood on his hind legs before he looked up. He placed his paws on the two gears, pushing against them with all of his glorious night. He almost slipped and fell once the gears turned, suddenly spinning rapidly as the latch slid open. A blur swished past him, barely grazing his whiskers as whatever it was clashed into the screaming ground.

Screaming?

He looked down, seeing a heavy, metal chest the size of Ravio’s pockets bouncing off the head of the Dead Hand. It screamed in pain and desperately wiped at its face like how a dog would wipe at eye gunk.

Before he knew it he was under water, darkness surrounding him. He frantically kicked, taking a deep breath once his head breached the surface.

You had stood up, panting heavily before charging with an enraged scream. You jumped and stabbed Warriors’ blade into the Dead Hand’s skull. It screeched in torturous agony, all of its hands melted as its body fought off the black smog, no matter, death won out in the end, and the thing exploding into smoke and mist.

You breathed heavily, gasping with effort. You turned to Legend as he swam up beside you, now soaked. You smiled numbly, dazedly, and lifted him out of the now still water.

“Saw vhat you were doingsss up theere Ledgy, tank you.” You slurred, clearly out of it. Legend clicked his teeth, had you hit your head when the had dropped you two? A niggling of worry bloomed in the back of his mind- not from concern! You were just his only way out of here, that’s all.

“Wha’s tis?” You mumbled, clicking open the chest Legend had dropped onto the monster.

Inside the humungous, hulking beast of a chest was a tiny, little moon pearl.

It was a moon pearl.

Legend internally cheered; he could finally turn back into his much more familiar hylian form! No longer would he have to hold off on quips and snark, he got to be as ruthless as he wanted!

“Ohh- dats… dat is… nice…” And then you splashed face first into the water.

—

Jsjdnj Dead Hand creeps me out man. Here’s more Ledge and Player because I felt the last one wasn’t long enough nor did it do my setup justice.

BB YOU'RE LITERALLY FEEDING ME A FIVE STAR MEAL HERE IOUDOIFUBEWFEFW I LOVED THIS SO MUCH!!

I haven't played MM (Please don't bully me) but enough of the stuff I've seen for it creeps me out especially the art for Dead Hand

#cloud answers #bloodybloob #BB

[whitecatindisguise]

Give Him A Chance To Mend 5

Time for another chapter, people 😁

AO3 link here

Chapter 5: Here In This Hell It's Sinking In

Varian didn't fight back, as the guards locked his arms in shackles and pushed him inside the prison cart. There was no point. His automatons were destroyed, he had no alchemy… and the Princess' hair didn't free his father, as he hoped they would.

Ruddiger, ever faithful, scrambled after his and climbed the alchemist's frame, curling protectively around his neck. The guards either didn't notice or didn't care. They locked the door and the cart started the slow journey back to the capital.

Varian doesn't remember the trip. There is a blank spot in his memory, starting from the moment the barred door locked and ending when they opened back at the castle square. He was flanked by two guards and escorted down to the dungeons, his apron, goggles and gloves taken away. He fought them when they were taking his goggles.

"They were my mother's!" He cried. "Please, it's the only thing I have left of her."

But they were deaf to his cries. They tried to take Ruddiger too, but the raccon growled and swiped it's paws whenever any of the guards got too close, sitting stubbornly on Varian's shoulders. They let it go after one of them got scratched and the other bitten. There was no way of capturing the raccoon. It was staying.

He was led down, down, down the stairs, passing corridor after corridor of cells. The prisoners looked his way in surprise, whispers trailed his path.

"Is this a child?"

"What is he doing here?"

"Did the King lose his mind even more?"

Varian clenched his teeth and kept on going, the familiar weight on his shoulders reassuring him of his animal friend's presence.

Finally, the guards stopped in front of the small cell. There was a tiny bed by the wall, and that's it. One of the men unlocked the door and the other pushed the alchemist inside. The metal door slammed shut behind him, the key turning in the lock.

"You will stay here until the King decides your fate." One of the guards said. Then, they walked away.

It was a moment later Varian finally let his facade drop. The tough villain act fell and what was left was a terrified boy, shaking like a leaf. He slid down to the floor, the severity of his actions finally getting to him.

Treason. He commited treason. He kidnapped the Queen, endangered the life of the Princess and attempted murder on both the Queen and Princess' Lady-in-waiting and the Captain of the Guards' daughter. He can be executed. He should be executed. That's what the citizens will demand, he was sure of it.

He didn't notice he was hyperventilating until his vision started to fog. Ruddiger chittered anxiously, pawing at his face to snap him out. He reached his hand, his ungloved hand, and buried his fingers in the raccoon's fur.

He didn't want to die. His dad was still trapped in that amber. He was the only one who could get him out. He has to save his dad.

The alchemist's whole frame shook, breathing becoming faster and shallower by the second. Suddenly, a piercing pain shot from his ear. He cried out and reached for it, his fingers touching something liquid and sticky. Drastic measure, but Ruddiger managed to forcefully stop the neverending spiral Varian got himself into. The teen took several more shaky breaths, no more being stuck in a terrified state.

He was still scared, yes. But he no longer hyperventilated, so that was an improvement. Ruddiger climbed down from his shoulders and made himself comfortable on Varian's laps instead. The alchemist hugged his furry friend close, awaiting his fate.

~~~~~

He didn't know how much time he spent in that small cell. Guards came and went, checking up on him, bringing water and plates of some grey goo for him to eat, and glaring at him from behind the bars. Varian, for the most time, didn't pay attention to it, curled up in the corner, Ruddiger in his arms.

A sound of the lock opening took him by surprise. The guards didn't open the door when they brought food. Did that mean he was finally getting the trial?

Two guards were standing outside of his cell, the third one walking inside, a pair of shackles in his hand.

"Stand up, hands where I can see them." He barked. Varian obliged, seeing as his chances of escape were close to none.

The shackles locked around his wrists with a metallic click that sent shivers up the teen's spine. The guard eyed him warningly and motioned for him to start walking. As soon as he left the cell, the other two guards flanked him, each putting a hand on one of his shoulders, while the third led the way. To Varian's surprise, they didn't go up, but down again, descending to the lower level of the dungeons.

"Where are we going?" He asked. Wasn't he supposed to get a trial? Isn't that how juridical system worked?

"Your cell has been decided." The guard at the front replied, not sparing a glance at the teen.

"The cell- what about a trial? Don't I get one?" He questioned, confused about the situation.

"Shut up, alchemist." The guard barked back, anger seeping through his teeth. "Be grateful the King didn't order execution. Not for now, anyway."

"Not for now? I don't-" Varian was getting more and more confused by the second.

Before he could say anything more, the guard stopped in front of one of the cells.

"Back up and face the wall." He said. Varian was just about to oblige, when another voice sounded from behind the bars.

"Alright, alright. What's the rush?"

"You're getting a cellmate." The guard simply said and unlocked the door. He turned to Varian, unlocked his shackles and pushed the teen inside, before slamming the door shut again.

"Wait! What's going on?" The alchemist ran to the bars and gripped them, shouting after the leaving guards.

"Get used to the cell, boy." The guard called back, a smirk on his face. "Because it will be your home for the next four years."

The sadistic smile he got in response made the teen freeze in terror. The implication was obvious. In four years, he will be eighteen. A legal adult. And once that happens… there will be nothing holding the King back from ordering his execution.

"Is that a joke?" A male voice sounded from behind and Varian whirled around to face his cellmate. "Is Corona throwing kids into prison now?"

The man was in his early twenties, dark hair tied in a high bun, green eyes and wearing a fur overcoat. He stared at the alchemist with a mixture of bewilderment and annoyance.

"I'm not a kid!" Varian bit back defensively.

"Sure you aren't." The man chuckled and sat at one of the beds. "What did you do, anyway? Stole a candy or something?"

"I stole the Sundrop Flower from the Royal Vault." The teen replied angrily. "Amongst other things…" He added more quietly.

"You stole the-" The criminal stared at him dumbfounded. "Woah, I guess good old Freddy didn't take it kindly."

"Actually I'm here because I also drugged held of the castle with truth serum, kidnapped the Queen, forced the Princess into using her hair in a drill of my design, and almost killed the Queen and Princess' Lady-in-waiting." Varian blurted out, since he might as well share the full scale of his abilities to his cellmate.

"Oh, so you're this Alchemist everyone has been going on about recently." The man exclaimed and looked him over, shrugging. "I thought you would be taller."

"I'm just a proof Corona's security is so bad even a child can get through." Varian mentally slapped his face for referring to himself as a child, but it served its purpose.

The man grinned at the choice of words and laughed.

"Good one. You definitely did that." He nodded and reached out a hand towards the alchemist. "I'm Andrew."

"Varian." The teen replied but didn't shook the man's hand. Ruddiger growled at him from his place on Varian's shoulders and the teenager patted him comfortingly.

"Well, Varian." Andrew's grin never left his face. "I have a feeling we're going to get along just fine, buddy."

"We'll see about that." The younger mumbled in response and made his way towards the other bed, siting on it, Ruddiger jumping down to claim his laps instead.

They sat in silence, thoughts of imminent death by execution returning. He tried to shake them off, but how can you ignore a threat like that. So he opted for a distraction instead.

"So what are you in for?" He asked, looking at the man on the other side of the cell.

"Tried to steal a journal. Got caught." Andrew replied mysteriously. Varian wrecked his brain, trying to remember something about stealing journals. It took a few seconds to click.

"Oh, you're that Saporian guy who tried to woo Cass...andra and steal Herz Der Sonne journal, but for your butt kicked instead." He said and watched the man's face morph into an emotion he couldn't quite place.

"They got lucky. And I was alone." Andrew tried to argue. "If my team was here-"

"I got half of the Corona wetting their pants in fear and the other half scrambling to fight my automatons." Varian countered. "You got caught because you didn't plan for other possibilities than the one you hoped for."

"Should I remind you were caught too?" The Saporian tried to argue.

"The only reason I lost is because the Princess touched those stupid rocks and somehow now decided to control them, and not months ago when they were destroying my village!" The alchemist yelled, acid seeping from his voice. "And now she is on her merry way to sun-knows-where, happily oblivious to everyone she hurt just because she didn't want to be the one hurting."

"Seems to me like you got a bone to pick with Her Royal Hairness." Andrew smirked.

"She broke her promise, ignored me for months and only started to pay attention to me when I threatened everything she loved, because she was oh, so happy, she couldn't see all the bodies she left behind her." Varian's anger was growing and he clenched his fists in frustration. "She's all about friends and promises, but in truth she's just a liar, like all of those upper-class jerks. She only indulges herself into things that benefit her and don't force her to leave her little bubble of happiness."

Andrew listened to the younger's ranting, nodding once in a while. The alchemist once in a while thought he saw his cellmate grin or smirk, but it was gone as soon as he blinked, so maybe he was imagining things.

"Woah, they really did a number on you, buddy." The man said finally, after Varian finished his monologue. "But that's royalty to you. They don't care about anyone but themselves and their happiness. So what people are getting hurt in the process."

"I know, right!" Varian exclaimed in agreement. Ruddiger chittered on his lap and the teen took to petting the raccoon again, the action comforting to him. "The moment you try and get actual help, you're treated like a villain and hunted like a wild animal." He huffed angrily. "I want them to pay for what they did."

"Maybe one day, buddy." Andrew said mysteriously, to which Varian rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, right." He buried his face into Ruddiger's fur and didn't say anything else. He missed the smirk that appeared on Andrew's face, as he observed his new cellmate.

#give him a chance to mend #varian #andrew #kitty mom writes

[zims-left-shoe]

Hi, omg I love your stuff. Could I please request a tallest red x human female? I dont really have a specific idea. Just some fluff or headcannons is fine. Thank you so much. ILY😘

Yeah, of course! There’s a lot of dialogue, but I promise there’s fluff in the end!

Everything had been going so well. Until it didn’t.

A quiet moan of pain slipped out of your mouth as you continued to stay curled in fetal position on some hard surface, most likely a floor. Experimentally, you attempted to open your eyes, only to have your vision swamped by flashing saturated colors. You screwed your eyes shut again, drowning in the disorientation. There were probably voices around you, but they reached your ears as incoherent mumblings. Apparently, humans weren’t meant for instant intergalactic teleportation across schmillions of light years.

You were unsure of how long you had been laying wherever you were, nor did you suppose it mattered. Ever since you had been mildly conscious, you had been trying to recall what exactly had happened, without much luck. However, the second you had stopped caring about the preceding events, they all hit you with the force of twenty one bullet trains.

-

"Behold! Doesn't it amaze you?!" A very short alien gestured wildly to a glowing portal, grinning madly as if he couldn't believe his own genius. 

"Yes, Zim. It's very nice." Smiling uneasily, you nodded, your palms becoming slick with sweat. Over the years, you had learned to just agree with whatever Zim said, things went over much smoother that way. However, that didn't mean you weren't worried. Whatever Zim created tended to backfire...violently. Or explode. Or not work as intended. Or all of the above.

"Okay? But what does it even do?" The other human in the room spoke, more openly skeptic than you were. Purple light reflected off of his glasses as he shuffled through papers of calculations, which he couldn't read anyway, considering they were written in Irken. "Or, more accurately, what is it supposed to do?" 

"You imply that Zim's inventions never work as they should, Dib-stink!" Zim crossed his arms and turned away from Dib, clearly less than pleased with his lack of enthusiasm.

"That's because they don't!"

"Name one time!"

"Shall we take a look in The Cabinet?" The man decked out in black and blue thrusted an arm out towards a cabinet threatening to explode with close to ten years' worth of records of failed plans. Zim growled, lunging at Dib who was bent over in laughter. Before he could get very far, you grabbed the Irken's ankle, yanking him back. 

"That's enough, you two. Honestly. Act your age." The two disgruntled men grumbled complaints under their breath, but ceased their childish antics. If you hadn't known them for years, you wouldn't have believed that these two were now adults. "Now, Zim, could you kindly tell us what this thing does?" Your voice was soft and patient, hoping to set him back on track. He tended to become distracted quite often. 

"Yes! It's a portal that will allow the instant transportation of anything, the range being the entire universe!" He spread his arms wide, a laugh already bubbling up in his throat. Dib groaned and rolled his eyes.

"I thought you were working on the Irken conversions so I could finish my part on the ship." You couldn't help but crack a smile. Their ship was never going to be finished at this rate. 

"Yes, but this is much more important! I have an ingenious plan for it!"

"Enlighten us." Dib spoke flatly, still not convinced.

Zim pulled out a box wrapped up like a gift, complete with a neat little pink bow. "Zim will send this to my Tallest using the portal! Trust me, they'll love what's in here." Light from the portal glinted menacingly off of his teeth. The box made hushed mewling noises and began to ooze green goo.

"Is...is it alive?" Your voice was cautious. You took a step back when the box began to shake in his hands, bumping your back against one of the many machines in his lab.

"Zim, we've talked about this. The Tallest don't care, Irk has abandoned you, let it go. You know as well as I do that your mission isn't real, and that it's over." Dib sighed, not with frustration, more so pity. A few years ago when Zim had finally got it through his thick skull that his mission was a trick, it had devastated him to a point that no one had ever seen. You saw how much he needed a job, and Dib did as well. Dib had an issue with it in the beginning, but you both took him in, using his science skills to aid in Dib's personal projects. The last plan you were aware of was that the two were working on a ship of their own that would let them travel space together, something about Dib getting presentable proof of alien life while at the same time giving Zim a purpose. Zim seemed to have forgotten about Irk. Until now, at least.

"Don't worry about it! It's...a parting gift." The look in Zim's eyes brought you great discomfort. "Only a symbol of the termination of my service to the empire. That is all." His voice was pleasant enough, but you sensed some dark undertones. His fingers danced away on the controls, a dull hum echoing through the base as the portal fired up it's key functions. 'The Massive' and some coordinates became displayed on the screen above the portal, the destination locked in. 

"Zim…" Dib took a step forward, as did you. "You've had plenty of bad ideas, but I think this one is going to take the cake. So just shut the thing off." Zim shrugged his concerns off, stepping closer to the portal with the box that was becoming more aggressive the closer it came. Red light emitted from a lens at the top of the portal as it scanned the box in Zim's hand.

"Scan complete. Item composition: deadly. If transported, item will cause half of the universe to implode." The voice of the computer drawled. Your eyes widened as you looked to Zim, who acted as if he didn't hear the warning. More likely, he didn't care. When did he ever? He brought his arm back as he stood in front of the portal, preparing to throw the box.

Although it happened in the course of only a split second, it all was in slow motion for you. Without thinking, you took off, sprinting across the small room and leaping at Zim, harshly shoving him and the box out of the way of the portal. You had managed to prevent the tragedy of space implosion, but unfortunately, your forward motion continued, sending you through the portal. You had heard Dib's scream, but it sounded a million miles away. Your brain couldn't comprehend what had happened during the course of the teleportation, so it put you out of your misery, allowing you to pass out. 

-

"Ugh...Zim. Of course." You forced yourself to sit up, rubbing your eyes with closed fists. You were slouched over, and once the static finally cleared from your vision, you blinked several times until your eyes adjusted to the new light. The panicked whispers from before continued, but you could now make out what they were saying.

"Did she say 'Zim'?"

"What creature is it?"

"Is it a weapon?"

Your brain finally jumpstarted, and you whipped your head around, eyes darting from one face to another. Several Irkens surrounded you, to where you couldn't see anything but a sea of green. You scooted backwards to create more room between you and the crowd, bumping into something behind you. You jerked yourself around, facing two of the tallest creatures you had ever seen. Instantly you recognized them as Zim's Almighty Tallest. They were much taller in real life than you imagined them to be. Even as an adult female standing at your full height, you knew they would tower over you. Hell, they would overtake Dib by a landslide, who now stood well over six feet. They bent over you to get a better look. After a second of silent observation, the one in purple straightened up and groaned loudly, throwing his arms in the air.

"Oh god, it's one of those creatures that inhabits Zim's planet!" The purple one resumed wailing madly. The one dressed in red straightened up as well, but said nothing. His red bug eyes rested on you quizzically, intrigued by your mere existence. "You! How did you get here?" The purple one pointed a long and slender finger at you, his face filled with pure terror.

"I went through Zim's portal, it was an accident-" Your voice was panicky. Almost all of the Irkens around you were riddled with anxiety, which you absorbed like a sponge.

"So, Zim sent you!" The purple one just loved to shout, didn't he? You wondered if this was a common trait among Irkens.

"No! It-"

"He sent you for malicious purposes! Like, to, uh...to annoy us into oblivion! Yeah!" So, the purple one was a moron. Good to know. Nevertheless, the crowd of Irkens began mumbling, as if you were trapped in a high energy court room.

"This is all a big misunderstanding, now maybe you could just...drop me off at home, or maybe send me with an escape pod or something-"

"To the dungeons with her!" The purple one screeched, yet again pointing a finger at you. 

"Yes, My Tallest!" Two guards came up to you with taser spears, and you concluded it would be best not to fight. You had been electrocuted with high voltage electricity in Zim's lab once on accident, and it did not feel pleasant. A sigh fell from your lips as each guard took an arm, dragging you to the dungeons of The Massive while cheers rose from the Irken crowd. 

-

"I swear, I will kill Zim when I get my hands on him." You muttered, tossing a coin you had in your pocket against the wall for the four thousandth time. You sat on the floor of your cell, the cold concrete making you shiver. The wall that pressed against your back was the same. There wasn't even a cot in there. Iron bars with buzzing electricity fields between them blocked your exit.

"That's not the first time I've heard that in here." A voice floated toward your ears, however it was muffled by the surrounding concrete.

"Who are you?" You had assumed you were alone in there. After all, how often could you possibly use a dungeon on an armada flagship?

"I'm Deek. I think. Honestly, I've been here so long I can't even remember." The voice, which sounded male, giggled. "Anyway, what are you in here for?"

"Not sure. Trespassing, maybe? The more accurate term would be a kneejerk reaction. What about you?"

"Being annoying. I guess."

"Shit, really? I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's better than being tossed out the airlock." You ceased throwing the coin. Decidedly, Irken society seemed to be hell in space. "In fact, they just threw Jix out last week. Poor gal." Deek's voice held a tinge of sadness. Images flashed through your mind of your body being launched into space. That wasn't how you had envisioned dying. You shuddered. 

The sound of a door opening and steps approaching your cell caused every muscle in your body to tense. You vaguely wondered if it was your turn for death by airlock. You squeezed your eyes shut, curling yourself into a ball with your face between your knees, not wanting to see who had stopped in front of your cell.

"So..." The voice was level and calm, a stark contrast to the chaos of before. Cautiously, you lifted your head, opening your eyes. At your level, you could only see a long crimson skirt. Pushing yourself up to a standing position, you still had to crane your neck to see his face. The red Tallest stood before you, a bored expression plastered on his face. 

"Are you here to kill me?"

"Uh..." He almost seemed surprised that you had asked that. Even still, you wouldn't take any chances. 

"You shouldn't kill me! Just, you know, reverse engineer the phenomena or something and teleport me back! Or even send me in an escape pod! Humans, uhm, we cause massive explosions when killed! Yeah! So you'd destroy yourself in the process." If he had sensed you were lying, he didn't care. However, he did look puzzled by your desperate reaction.

"What? No, I'm not here to kill you." He let out a massive sigh, bending over to look you in the eye. "I'm just bored. There's only so much of Purple's antics I can take at a time." Your shoulders relaxed in immediate relief. 

"Wait, his name is Purple? Let me guess, your name is Red?" That was such a strange notion to you. Every other Irken you had heard of all had such bizarre names, and apparently these two just went by Red and Purple.

"Yeah? So? Also, it's Tallest to you." The threatening tone inserted into his words was half-hearted at best.

"Can't I call you Red? I'm not Irken."

"I don't think so, short-thing."

"Why not? And I'm not short! You're just tall. Plus, my name is Y/n. Not short-thing." You huffed, unconsciously shifting to stand on your toes, increasing your height by maybe an inch at the most. He seemed to appreciate his height being acknowledged, so he relented.

"Fine, do what you want." Red continued to stare at you, almost as if he couldn't quite understand what you were. You didn't blame him, the circumstance had been kind of sudden. Plus, he hadn't heard from Zim in years. Most likely, everyone had assumed him to be dead. 

"You said you were bored? I'll have you know, I can be quite entertaining! So maybe you could, I dunno, get me out of here?" Your lips lifted in a sweet smile, hoping Irkens could be swayed by charm. There was a second of silence as he mulled the idea over. On one hand, it would give him something to do besides eat and blow things up. On the other, if anyone saw, many questions would arise. Despite his concerns, curiosity won out. With his two thin fingers, he tapped a code into a keypad on the wall. There was a dying buzz as the electricity stopped flowing and the iron bars were lifted. There was a part of you that was amazed that he actually let you out. You stepped out, watching his face to make sure he wasn't bluffing about sparing your life. Not a muscle in his body so much as twitched, hell, you weren't even sure if he was breathing. You didn't know how he could with a waist like that. "So, what now?" 

"I thought you said you were the master of fun?"

"I said I was entertaining, not the master of fun. But, I dunno, we could start by getting out of here. Space prison kind of kills the vibe."

"Fine." Red began walking, well, hovering down the hall. He did not look back to see if you were following, and you had to jog to catch up. "Oh, and this isn't space prison, that's Moo-Ping 10. This is more like space holding." 

"There's a difference?"

"Oh yeah." You were sure you were both still in the belly of the ship, considering you never once went up a flight of stairs. However, you had exited the dungeon area, and emerged into a more open room. There were some tables and chairs, and the room was lit by white florescent lights. Everything else within the room was some shade of pink. Occasionally, he would take a quick glance around, as if to make sure no one was watching. Was he supposed to be down here? If he was a supreme leader of society, you weren't sure why it mattered where he was or who he was with.

"What is this place?" You finally asked as he took a seat in a chair, chin resting in his hand. His glances in your direction were fleeting and infrequient, almost as if he were embarrassed to be intrigued by something so short. 

"Not sure. An unused dining hall maybe?" Satisfied with his answer, you took a seat next to him. Taking the opportunity to look him up and down, youwere confused by his anatomy. He was built differently than every Irken you had ever seen. You pointed to his impossibly skinny waist. 

"How?" You opted for that phrasing, as you were unsure if 'is that natural?' would have been rude. 

"Hm? Oh. Corset." His answers to everything were quick and simple. Even still, you couldn't help but stare in wonder. 

"Doesn't it hurt?" You assumed having a corset tightened to such an extreme would be incredibly painful, but he only shrugged without a care.

"You get used to it. It's all part of being Tallest, just as is losing your thumbs." A smirk etched its way onto his face at your horrfied expression as his wiggled his two fingers through the gauntlet on his arm. Subconsciously you rubbed your thumbs, lips pursed in a tight line. "You're a curious little thing."

"You act like I'm a child! I'm a grown woman, thank you very much." You may still have been young by human standards, but you had still made it over the age of 18, so technically, you were an adult. Red chuckled at your pouting, as you had just proven his point unintentionally. A ghost of a smile was present on his face. Was he actually enjoying himself? You decided to switch gears. "The whole dynamic of Irk is strange."

"Oh yeah? How so?" 

"It's like one big military." Red snickered, unable to stop the chuckle that rose from his chest.

"Of course it is. That's kind of our whole thing." He lifted a hand, trying to gesture to the armada as a whole. 

"Oh, yeah. Right." Another silence fell between you two. It was rather difficult for you as a human to comprehend Irken society. It all just seemed so...foreign. So static and stiff. 

Red was the first to speak again. "Tell me then. What's Earth like?" Excitedly, you sat up in your chair, eyes shining. 

"Well, people still respect each other, sometimes anyway, but everyone is less stiff with each other. There's more kindness. Now, don't get me wrong, there are many who are full of hate and lots of people fight all the time, but it's still less so than Irk. Plus, height isn't such a huge deal. And there's relationships." Your words came out quickly, hands moving to accentuate your thoughts.

"Relationships?" If Red had eyebrows, they would be raised in questioning. His voice was laced with suspicion, as if he didn't trust the concept.

"Yeah! All different kinds. Familial, platonic, romantic, etc. You know, parents, siblings, friends, that kind of thing...usually, they're all based on love. And, no offense, but there seems to be an absence of that here." You had heard it from Zim many times before. Irkens can't feel love, they trust no one and all that. On some level, you doubted that to be true, rather it was more of a choice, that maybe they were told that love is a sign of weakness so they chose not to feel anything at all.

"Love...?" Red spit out the word as if it burned his tongue. Clearly, love was not a well thought of concept in Irken culture. After a moment, he appeared to recall something. "I think I remember something that happened years ago...Zim called about some romantic experiment he was running on some girl. Said it was very pain-based. This is something humans find...pleasant?" Waving your hands you shook your head in a clear 'no'. No wonder Red was concerned by the idea of love.

"No! Not unless you're a masochist anyway. I don't know what the hell he was doing, but that's not what love is."

His tone showed that he was still mildly disgusted with the topic, but nevertheless, he proceeded to ask for further clarification. "Then what is it?" Red was never very interested when Zim had been reporting ten-ish years ago, but now that he had a subject sitting right in front of him, the idea became somewhat exciting.

"Like, romantic love?" You asked, a small part of you hoping he was asking about platonic love instead. You weren't entirely sure how to explain romance to a species who understood nothing but pain and hierarchy. Red nodded, asking you to go on. You breathed out a relenting sigh, struggling for the right words to explain it. "Romance is...uhm…it's when..." Red peered at you expectantly, crimson eyes wide and inquisitive. Finally, you came up with something. "It's when you like someone very much, and you would do almost anything for them." He nodded slowly, looking as if he was beginning to grasp it.

"Like pledging your loyalty?" Loyalty was a thing Irkens could understand thoroughly.

"Yeah, like that! And you want to do lots of stuff together! Spend time together and all that. There's also physical affection." His head cocked to the side, similar to a puppy. 

"Physical affection?"

"Ye...Yeah...!" Your feet shifted on the floor as you clutched the hem of your shirt between your fingers. You couldn't help but feel nervous under his gaze. Your face flushed as he stared out at you through half-lidded eyes, overly fixated on the topic of physical affection. 

"What's that?" Once again, his voice was as even as could be. The corners of his mouth turned upwards in a grin, enjoying the way you were acting. It was quite amusing to him. You suddenly regretted bringing up the subject of romance.

"Like, examples?" Swallowing hard, your fingers began to drum on the table. How were you possibly supposed to describe it to him? He certainly wouldn't know what a hug or a kiss was. "I don't think I can exactly describe it to you..." You hoped he would leave it at that and move on.

Of course that wasn't the case. That was the problem with Irkens. Once they found a way to make you squirm, they would push until it was no longer fun. "Then show it to me." His response was quick, zero hesitation. He looked completely satisfied, for once not feeling that familiar dull, almost constant ache of boredom. You weren't sure about it at first, but the longer he looked at you with that smug expression, the more determined you became to wipe that smirk off his face. 

"Fine." Irkens are touch-starved creatures. It wouldn't take anything too extreme to accomplish what you wanted. You stood up, moving over to plant yourself right in his lap. Taking his hand, you intertwined your fingers with his two, pressing your face into his chest. "Humans do things like cuddle and hold hands." His heartbeat was similar to a human's, the rhythym just slightly different. This close, you could hear the soft hum of his PAK. With your free hand, you traced indescribable shapes into his chest. If you were to look up, you would have seen his antennae twitching. Already, you had accomplished what you had set out to. He was no longer teasing or overconfident. Although he would never admit it, he was content with the attention. As you continued to draw random nothingness, Red let out what sounded like a low purr, the sound sending a pleasant rumble through his chest and against your skin. A series of quiet chirps followed, and you had to assume he was satisfied. You couldn't help but giggle, and at the time, the uncertainty of how you would get home was the furthest thing from your mind.

"Do humans do anything else?" Red attempted to suppress the spark in his voice, but was wildly unsuccessful. His tone was the farthest thing from passive. You let go of his hand, sitting up to face him. 

"Of course we do." You experimentally raised a hand to his face, seeing if he would shy away. That was not the case, rather the opposite. He seemed to almost lean into your touch. You weren't sure why he was so okay with this; you supposed that each Irken had different policies and tolerances when it came to physical contact. Red seemed to be anxiously awaiting whatever was coming next, his expression eager. "Sometimes we give each other kisses." You didn't bother fighting the smile that played at your lips as you peppered several kisses all over his face. There was barely an inch of his cheeks and forehead that went untouched. Red's face felt hot beneath your lips, and if Irkens could blush, you were sure he would be completely flushed. His fingers had drifted to your sides, lightly resting there. 

Hmm...Irkens are quite interesting... You thought as you held eye contact with Red. He was clearly embarrassed to be engaging in this, but more so at the fact that he was enjoying it. And yet, he held your gaze, unwilling to back down. You wondered what would happen if someone found him like this. What would even happen?

"The rest of human physical affection is rather intimate, so the lesson will have to end here." Before he could protest, you leaned in one last time, pressing your lips to where his should be. His fingers dug into your sides, antennae shooting straight up in the air. You had never dreamed that you would be kissing an alien leader on a warship in space, but you wouldn't say you were disappointed. Pulling away, Red's grip on you loosened, and something bright caught your eye. Small sparks were being thrown from his PAK, which concerned you slightly. "Uh, Red...?" Pointing a finger to his PAK, he shook his head wildly, and after a moment, everything seemed to be alright again.

"It's fine!" He spoke abruptly, voice loud and awkward. His voice drew in some company, as Purple stuck his head in the room.

"There you are! Zim keeps sending transmissions through and he's going crazy-" Red yelped, practically throwing you off of him and into the nearest chair he could find.

"So, do I go home now?" You asked, and for the first time, Purple seemed to notice you.

"Ack! How did you get out of the dungeons?!" Purple jumped back, despite already being across the room from you.

"I have super powers." You snickered at his frightened appearance. Red rolled his eyes, waving his counterpart off.

"Just go, I'll deal with Zim." Purple nodded, zipping out of the room. You weren't sure if your senses were playing tricks on you, or if Red really was disappointed to see you leave. "C'mon, Y/n. Let's go figure out how to reverse engineer a transport portal."

#invader zim #tallest red #invader zim fanfiction #invader zim x reader #invader zim fic #invader zim one shot #invader zim oneshot #fanfiction #fanfic #oneshot #one shot #request

[rinusagitora]

The love, lead, and the undead.

Fandom: Monster Prom

Characters: Vicky Schmidt, Damien LaVey, Brian Yu, Oz, Zoe, Vera Oberlin, Liam de Lioncourt, Blobert, Scott Howl, Stan LaVey, Lucien LaVey, OC: Mungandr, 

Pairings: Brian/Damien/Vicky, Oz/Zoe, Lucien/Stan

Words: 4.1k

Summary: Canon divergent. Chapter 6/?. WARNINGS— violence, gore, drug use, major character death; Their worst nightmare comes to fruition.

Vicky had a headache the size of Manhattan and not even dope eased the rumble of her head.

“I’m dying,” she announced as she pushed a pair of heavily tinted sunglasses up the bridge of her stupidly tiny nose. “Why the fuck did you guys let me drink so much? I mean, that whiskey was expensive so I wanted to make sure we finished that, but I had six other drinks on top of it.”

“Because we were less than sober ourselves, and I, for one, wanted to see how much you could drink before you absolutely couldn’t walk.”

“Fuck you, Brian.”

“You did that at least twice. I was there,” Damien said.

“Damien. Unless the next words out of your mouth magically make my headache go away, I will carve out my colon and floss your teeth with it.”

Vicky tossed her joint out of the window when the school came into view. Brian parked and she tumbled out of the car. He was sweet enough to massage her neck at least.

Immediately, the trio was bombarded by Scott. Vicky wasn’t made with cat reflexes, so while her boyfriends deftly stepped out of reach, she was squashed in his huge arms and chest. Her arms laid by her side. At least if she suffocated, her head wouldn’t hurt so much.

“Vicky! Vera told me all about how awesome you were yesterday. You’re so awesome!” Scott cheered.

“Scott, I think you’re hurting her.”

Scott dropped her. Vicky involuntarily gasped for air. Nonetheless, she peered around Scott and beamed when she laid eyes on Blobert.

“Hey there, buddy!” Brian chirped. He strode over with uncharacteristic charm and hugged Blobert. Vicky was kind of jealous he got to hug Blobert first. “How’s it going? We missed you at the game.”

“I’m sorry. Stocking’s water broke at the shelter, so I stayed to help deliver her kitties.”

“Oh my god, do you have pictures of them?”

“I do! I’ll text them to you later today. I have something for Vicky, however.”

Vicky blinked. “For me? Why?”

“Forgive me for prying, Vicky, but I saw you running away from school the other day. Valerie told me what happened… the business concerning your uncle. I know there isn’t anything I can do to heal what he has done to you, but I hope you understand that you are loved, and I know for a fact you have many friends who will protect you.” Blobert pressed a card into her hand. “I know this isn’t much, but I hope it will remind you that you have many people who love you and will never hurt you.”

Vicky leaped onto Blobert and squeezed him. “Thank you, Blobert, you’re an amazing friend. My uncle was… an awful man, but you’re right. I have a family here with all of you. There’s nothing more I want.” Aside from more painkillers for her head.

“Anyways, I should get going. I have a quiz today. I’ll catch you guys around.”

“Bye, Blobert.”

Scott resumed squeezing Vicky. “I’m sorry I took your arm off the other day. I was so scared! You were running and screaming and I got scared, so I grabbed you. I guess I don’t know my strength.”

Vicky felt awful. She hurt Scott in her tizzy to escape, and that was the last thing she wanted to do. “It wasn’t your fault. My arm fell off because I ripped open my stitches to get away,” she explained. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

Her head felt like it imploded. The Christmas she kissed Liam flashed before her eyes.

---

Oz exuded goo. Fear wheezed and whined. His head was lolled against Zoe’s shoulder as he breathed raspily, and his hair had seeped down into her lap like candle wax. It was so hard for him to keep his shape when the spear sucked out his power like soft marrow.

“Baby?” Zoe said hoarsely. Her tentacles were dry. “Are you still with me?”

“Barely,” he mumbled.

“I have an idea how to get out,” she said. Oz hummed quizzically. “You probably won’t like it.”

“Can it be any worse than this?”

“Is the spearhead on your side?” Zoe asked.

Oz lifted his head. The tip of the spear was shaped like a spade from a deck of cards. He gave a resigned sigh. There were worse fates than having that ripped through his chest, like Vicky's death. “It is. It’s pretty wide, though, so we’ll need to pull hard.”

“What? No, Oz, I need it to pick our cuffs. You’re going to have to break it off.

He was relieved. “Can you pull it closer? Slowly, I’ll tell you when to stop.”

Zoe grunted. He heard her tentacles and teeth grip it. Slowly, with enormous strain, she pulled it closer. He hissed between his teeth. Every inch it was dragged through him burned from his collar to the bottom of his ribcage.

“Are you okay?” Zoe asked tearfully.

“Keep going, just a couple more inches,” he whined. "One more pull, baby.”

Zoe gave one last heave and the spade was close enough to touch his chest. “You’re good. Lean as far forward as you can.”

Oz’s goo shuddered. He tensed it around the rod inside of his chest to cut it off, free himself, and then pick them free without the cumbersome spear in the way. He was too weak to shear it off, however.

“I can’t. I’m sorry,” he wept. “I’m so sorry.”

“I said you won’t like this. Forgive me, Oz.”

The mouth at the top of Zoe’s head opened and it siphoned the sanity from the denizens outside. Terror flooded the dungeon.

Oz's vision blurred as it seeped into his skin like poison. It rattled his bones like glass in a hurricane. A scream ripped from the mouths of Oz's phobias. They writhed and bucked and howled. Individual phobias ballooned with teeth, their eyes glowed with menace. It was worse than the spear, how his body grew and thrashed of its own accord.

The spear snapped in two with a crack like thunder when clubbed by one of his incarnations. Zoe closed her mouth, Oz fell to the floor and coughed up spongy bits of Fear.

"Oz!" Zoe screamed with fright. Freed of the spear, she unlocked their chains. “Are you okay?” she bawled. “I’m so sorry, Oz, I didn’t know what else to do.”

He grunted, “I’m fine, but Vicky needs our help. Let’s get the hell out of here before the guards find out! I don't think I can fend them off if we're discovered!”

Zoe opened a portal into the overworld.

---

Brian heard gunfire for the very first time when he was fifteen. It kind of sounded like it did in Hollywood, but at the same time, it didn't. Gunfire wasn’t like a bomb or firecrackers. It sounded more like an engine backfired next to a bullhorn. It was so indistinct, Brian's entire body tensed for a split second whenever he heard something similar.

However, over the last six years, it became a knee jerk reaction since those pops never turned out to be gunshots again, and he calmed down as quickly as he freaked out.

It wasn't until Scott and Vicky dropped like stones and their blood pooled around them like macabre halos that Brian's fears were confirmed. The screaming of his classmates hit his ear like a bat to the side of his face and he hit the deck and shook uncontrollably. His friends and lover bled out only two feet away, and yet he couldn't even move to stem the bleeding or call emergency services.

"Vicky? Scott? Oh my god," Brian croaked. Scott gurgled on the other side of Vicky. Terror had frozen him in place. Brian loathed himself for his weakness, but even as he scolded himself with the most scathing remarks, his body refused to budge. "Somebody help us! Please!"

Above Brian, a cyclonic portal opened, and Oz and Zoe, albeit bedraggled, hopped onto the sidewalk next to Brian's head.

"Oh my god!" Oz screamed in horror. He and Zoe crouched next to Scott and Vicky.

"Go! Damien is gone, he could be hurt. I'll take care of Scott," Zoe said.

"Brian, where's Damien?" Oz asked.

"I don't know," Brian said, "I think he ran after the shooters, but I don't know where they went."

Nonetheless, Oz took off.

"Brian, I need your help," Zoe said.

"I-I can't."

"They're gone. Scott needs help, or he's going to bleed to death."

Brian shook his head. "I can't. I can't look at her."

Zoe threw her jacket over Vicky's head. "There. I know you're in pain, Brian, but Scott is dying. I need your help. Please, come here."

Shakily, Brian pushed himself onto all fours and crawled over to Zoe and Scott. He gagged and swallowed bile. Bits of Vicky's brain and hair were splattered onto Scott's face, and he gurgled as he feebly pressed his paw against his torn carotid.

"Focus on me," Zoe said. "What's your blood type?"

"O-positive," he replied.

"Excellent. This is going to hurt, but this is the only thing that's going to save Scott."

Brian nodded. Zoe plunged her tentacles into Brian's neck.

---

Vicky's head sprayed over Scott. Damien had fired enough guns to have instantly understood what had happened.

He took after the black car behind them that squealed away from campus. Damien wasn't anything extraordinary, but the second of Vicky's murder, his unbridled rage pushed him harder than ever before.

Damien gained on the car even as it accelerated upwards of sixty miles an hour. Damien threw himself onto the trunk, and to throw him off, the driver spun the car and they careened into power lines. Damien howled when he collided with solid wood. The splintered pole creaked and he realized it tipped over like a tree.

He managed to push himself free right as the cables ripped. Electricity crackled, the live cables writhed like beheaded snakes, sparks flew in every direction.

Damien stormed to the driver’s seat. Every inch of him burned with unbridled homicidal rage palpable enough that the air around him shuddered with heatwaves. He grabbed the driver, a yellow manticore, by their collar and threw them onto the live powerlines. They combusted without a sound.

Finally, he pulled the passenger, a young vampire, into the street. They were unconscious and bled from their forehead. “Wake the fuck up!” Damien bellowed. He slapped them and they awoke with a yelp. “What’s your name?”

“What?” they asked.

“I asked for your fucking name!” Damien screamed.

“Fuck off!”

Damien pulled a knife from his waistband and held it against their throat. “Fine, did you shoot my girlfriend then?”

“I did!” the vampire spat with a vicious tone. “She killed my dad!”

“She had come so far! We were going to be happy together!”

“And I’ll never be happy without my dad!”

“This is your fault. Now I'm going to string you up by your fucking guts!"

Damien kicked the gun out of their hand as they reached for it. He sank his knife into their abdomen and pushed it down until it nicked their pubic bone. Damien pushed them back with a fistful of their intestines. They fell back with eyes as wide as dinner plates. Fruitlessly, they weakly stuffed their innards inside, before they fell limp.

He crouched over them as they breathed raspily. “This is the end. You messed with the wrong bitches.”

“Damien!” Oz screamed. Oz tackled Damien and they rolled across the asphalt.

“Fuck!” Damien screamed as he pushed Oz off. “Get off! I’m going to kill them all!”

“She is gone and mutilating him,” Oz flung his hand to point at the dying vampire, “isn’t going to do jackshit. But Scott barely clinging to life. He needs his friends. Please, put this behind you for your friends.”

It was like Oz kicked the wind out of Damien. Rage subsided, and he began to cry.

Vicky was gone for the rest of his life: fodder for blowflies and worms.

---

Zoe parked Brian's truck. They tumbled out and ran full speed into the Emergency Room. Vera stormed to the front desk. “We’re here for Scott Howl. I’m his Power of Attorney, Vera Oberlin.”

“Miss Oberlin, we need you to fill out some paperwork for Mister Howl,” said the receptionist.

As Vera filled out paperwork, Oz had to help Damien and Brian into chairs next to each other. The pair looked miserable. Brian’s head was in his hands, Damien rubbed his mouth with a disconnected gaze. Yet as much as it pained Oz to see his friends like that, there were more imminent threats. He needed to warn the LaVey family of the Aquino’s plan for their demise.

He couldn’t tell Damien about their plan, though. He was already put through the wringer. He needed to get Damien’s parents into the equation. A manipulative tactic, but Oz reasoned that Damien needed their support anyway, so really, it helped everyone.

Oz kneeled in front of Brian and Damien and held their hands. "Damien, you need to call your dads. You need them now."

Damien nodded with glassy eyes. “Right,” he murmured before he dug through his pockets.

Zoe pulled Oz aside. “Please, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, tell me we’re not keeping the Aquino’s plan a secret. More people are going to be killed if we keep this on the DL, maybe Vicky will be hurt worse.”

“That’s why I reminded Damien to call his parents.

"Excellent."

Before Oz could reply, Blobert and Liam ran into the emergency room. Blobert sobbed inconsolably. Oz ran over to them.

"We came as soon as we heard about Scott," Liam said.

Oz hugged them. "Thank you."

"Is he going to be okay?" Blobert asked. He sounded so desperate, and somehow, despite Blobert's gelatinous nature, he gripped Oz's hands so hard he thought they might break.

"I don't know. He's in surgery now and we haven't heard any updates," Oz replied.

"What about Vicky?"

A hush fell over their group. Damien resumed crying, Brian escaped into the nearby bathroom. Oz couldn't look Blobert in the eye.

"I'm sorry, but she's dead," he told Blobert.

"We believe Vicky was targeted by a gang she robbed the other day. Damien took care of the perps, but they got in a good shot. She's not coming back," Zoe said.

Valerie hopped the back of a chair squeezed Blobert as he sobbed. Oz waited by the doors where his cries were someone muffled.

He felt awful. He was too late. He was always too late.

Lucien and Stan ran inside as Oz internally berated himself. If only Vicky could see how many people loved her.

Oz stood. "Go comfort your son, but as soon as possible, I have an issue of utmost importance about your kingdom's security."

The two demon Kings looked between themselves. "I'll talk to him."

Oz took Lucien into an adjacent waiting room.

"Oz, correct?" Lucien asked.

"Yes."

"What is this supposed security threat?"

"The Aquino family is behind Vicky's murder. I've been having premonitions about her death, so my girlfriend and I have been looking into it in hopes we save her. However, the Aquino caught on and kidnapped us. Dahlia explained to us that she and her family plan to use Vicky as a weapon against you, and more worrisome, Damien, to overthrow your rule," Oz explained.

Lucien rubbed his face with concern. "This is a dire accusation. This is something we go to war over."

"The Aquino already plan to do that. It seems you don't have a lot of options here," Oz countered.

"What proof do you have? How do I know I can trust you?"

"Vera and Vicky have robbed three dozen banks with CCTV, guards, and alarm systems, and never once have they been even suspected, and yet a lab, where they executed the same precautions, somehow figured out their identities and location, and then killed Vicky. Do you think that's coincidental?"

"... I see your point," Lucien replied. "This is… this is awful."

"Lucien, I understand it's a lot to take in, but we need to begin preparations as soon as possible. Do you have someone who can begin something, anything, while you're here to comfort your son?"

"I do. Thank you, Oz. I need to make a quick phone call, and then I'll come back."

"Of course. Thank you."

Oz returned to his friends and paced in the waiting room as they waited for news on Scott's condition. Some hours later, they were approached by the surgeon.

"I'm glad to announce Mister Howl survived the operation without any complications. He will need to stay overnight in case there are any hiccups with his blood transfusion, but we are optimistic about his prognosis. If you like, you may visit him."

They were guided into Scott's room. He was intubated and pale, but his vitals were stable and lively.

Oz breathed a sigh of relief. At least something had gone right that day.

---

The morning of Vicky's funeral, Damien was stiff.

He rolled off of Brian and grunted as he made way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then eat something.

"Damien, why are you up already?"

Damien looked up to see Stan and Lucien in the doorway. Stan was still in pajamas, but Lucien was fully dressed. It was unusual for either of them to be even remotely dressed at that hour.

"What're you doing?" he asked.

Stan nervously glanced to Lucien.

"Unfortunately, there's an emergency on the outskirts I have to attend to," Lucien explained.

"You're the only one going?"

"Yes. But I should be back before the ceremony."

Damien grimly nodded. Border disputes weren't handled by either king. Perhaps the Minister of Border Land was out.

Stan sat at the island. "How do you feel?" he asked. Damien shrugged. He missed Vicky, but he said that every day since her death. "I wish I could do more. I do, Damien. I cared very much about Vicky as well."

Damien's lip wobbled and he wiped his eyes. He didn’t feel any different since the first day she died, but all that meant was he hurt like an open wound.

“It feels wrong without her. The more I think about it, the more it hurts.”

“Yes, but she left pieces of her with you and Brian. I’m sure you remember how much she loved you,” Stan said. Damien nodded. “I know it’s not a lot, but she loved you so much, and that is something that will never die.”

Damien smiled at his dad. He appreciated the effort, but Stan’s reassurance didn’t change how badly he ached. Damien could only hope the funeral would soothe him.

---

Brian woke up alone and it felt like the air was thin. He stumbled into the hallway, gasped for air, he tried to find Damien, but the LaVey’s basement suite was built like a surreal, inescapable nightmare where Brian was doomed to circle the hallway until his death. He braced himself against the wall and tried to convince himself to calm down so he could find a way out.

Voices came from beyond the door Brian was beside. He turned his gaze to watch it.

“Mugandr,” Lucien’s muffled snarl came, “exactly how is Vicky alive? Her head was blown to pieces.”

“Her body was, but her condemned soul remained intact.”

“Then we would have been notified of her entrance into Hell!”

“Your Majesty, please quiet down. I understand why this upsets you but our conversation may not be private.”

Lucien sighed. “Nonetheless, why weren’t we notified of her death and damnation?”

“It’s likely her soul was intercepted. I’ve looked into it and… Your Majesty, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Oz and Zoe were right, it is the Aquino family. I found correspondence with the drug manufacturers detailing who attacked them and where to find Vicky, and ingredients to summon the dead.”

Wood snapped inside of Lucien’s room. Brian slapped his hands over his mouth to stifle his yelp. “Unbelievable!” he bellowed. “Mugandr, summon Oz and Zoe to the Divinator’s Room immediately and keep this between the two of us.”

“Of course, Your Majesty.”

Brian made a run for it before he was discovered. It felt like he swallowed molasses. Vicky was alive? What did Dahlia’s family want with her? Why did it have to be a secret? Why wouldn’t Oz and Zoe tell him if Vicky was alive?

He ran straight into Damien in his maelstrom of confusion. He was grabbed before he fell.

“Brian,” Damien said, “what’s wrong? You look like shit.”

Brian panted wordlessly before he threw his arms around Damien. He wished he was dreaming. He wanted to wake up with Damien and Vicky, safe and sound, where he didn’t feel like the world was crashing around him.

“Babe, what’s wrong? You’re freaking me out.”

Reluctantly, Brian whispered, “I think your dads are keeping secrets,” he said. “I think… I think Vicky’s death is bigger than we think it is.”

Damien pushed Brian out of the crook of his neck and scowled perplexedly. “What the fuck do you mean they’re keeping secrets?”

“I-I couldn’t find you, and then I overheard Lucien talking with this Mugandr guy about Vicky. They were saying stuff like they didn’t have any record about her entering Hell, and that Oz and Zoe knew about this, a-and the Aquino summoned her soul. He wanted to keep it a secret.”

“I’m sure it was just a bad dream.”

“Damien, listen to me!” Brian snapped. “Something’s wrong! This is bigger than we realize.”

Damien’s lip curled. “Get your head out of your ass, Brian! Vicky’s gone. She’s not coming back. And don’t you ever fucking say my dads are lying to me! They wouldn’t ever do that!”

“Listen, Damien,” Brian grabbed Damien’s shoulders. Damien knocked his hands away.

“Fuck off! You’re being a huge asshole right now, dude! Don’t fucking talk to me until you get your shit together.”

Damien stormed away. Brian was left breathless yet again.

---

Damien stared into the mirror. His tuxedo felt ill-fit.

It was the tux he went to prom and homecoming in. He went to one of his aunt’s weddings in it too. All three occasions, Vicky was with him in that pretty polka-dot dress and a big smile. The mere memory was enough to make Damien tear up.

The only other time he got to wear it with Vicky was at her funeral.

Stan entered his room. “Damien…” he said, “are you ready?”

“Dad, I don’t think I can do this.”

Damien’s father hugged him. “I know it’s hard. But Brian needs you, and you need this too. This ceremony will give you closure.”

He couldn’t meet Stan’s gaze. He couldn’t even return his father’s hug. What Brian mentioned about Vicky haunted him, even as he mourned. He tried to tell himself Brian only had a bad dream. His parents would never hide something as enormous as that from him.

“Let’s go,” Stan said. “You’ll be okay. I’ll be there for both of you.”

Damien’s heart fell into his gut. “What about Dad?”

“Lucien’s attending to a land dispute.”

“Still? That’s odd. I thought those were handled by the Minister of Borders.”

“Ordinarily. However, this involves the Aquino Family. Lucien’s there to make sure it’s addressed delicately.”

Damien felt sick as he followed Stan. His father was a terrible liar. Was Brian right about Vicky and his fathers? It had to be impossible, yet the events of the last couple of hours begged to differ.

---

Oz held Zoe’s hand as they ran. Her dress was hiked up to her crotch as they ran up and up the tower. “I cannot believe he’s doing this now of all times!” Oz screamed. “The funeral is in two hours.”

“We’ll be fine, Oz. Lucien won’t miss his son’s girlfriend’s fucking funeral,” said Zoe as they stormed up the weathered stone steps.

When they reached the top, Zoe knocked upon the heavy door. It opened and they were heaved inside and surrounded by the smoke of Biggleworts to ward off the prying eyes of magic. Oz took a deep breath.

“I’m glad you two have come,” Lucien said. He gestured to the bony creature with the skull of a snake. “That is Mungandr, my most trusted associate.”

“I don’t care. Just make this quick, I would like to comfort my friends,” Oz said.

“I’m sure you’d like Vicky back more.”

“You found her?” Oz gasped.

“Yes and no. We know she is in the care of the Aquino,” Lucien explained. Oz wanted to break something. “We need you to find her and bring her back. You’ll have Mungandr to help. His magic will prove useful.”

Oz looked to Zoe.

“You need to go,” she said to him. “I will stay for Brian and Damien, but you need to go save Vicky.”

He nodded. “Apologize to our friends for me.”

“I will. Promise me you’ll be safe.”

Oz cupped Zoe’s face. “I’ll come back to you with Vicky. I promise you.”

#monster prom #vicky schmidt #damien lavey #brian yu #stan lavey #lucien lavey #vera oberlin #blobert #liam de lioncourt #oz monster prom #zoe monster prom #brian/damien/vicky #oz/zoe

[ivythewitch]

Hurricane Tips

Written 8/27/19 

PLEASE NOTE

I am not a trained meteorologist, I have zero background in climate science or hurricanes. I am just a Floridian for more than a decade and have been through all levels of storms, even Cat 4 and 5. 

Because I live in Florida, and It is now peak hurricane season, and channels like my local news, and The Weather Channel are going to start sensationalizing everything that moves in the caribbean and Atlantic, I thought I should write some ACTUAL tips for storm preparedness. 

First, get yourself a good list like this one here and actually make a hurricane kit. I keep mine in a rubbermaid plastic storage bin, the same ones I keep my Christmas and Holiday decor in. I keep it on top of all other bins, and I have an inventory list attached to the lid with expiration dates so I can update goods at a glance. 

There are several “grades” a storm goes through before it really becomes something dangerous. You have probably seen the memes floating around?

The reason these memes exist, is that when you live in a state constantly hit with hurricanes, you learn when to panic and when to just sit back be calm. 

So, here is a very brief, 5 second Google Search lesson on storm categories.

If you hear about a tropical depression, this is legitimately just a really bad really wet thunderstorm that exists in the tropics. If it stays there too long it will become a worse storm, but if its gonna hit you as a depression, school most likely won’t even get cancelled, and if it does, its just for the day the storm makes landfall. Power probably won’t even flicker.

A tropical storm is pretty tame, same for Category 1 and 2 hurricanes in terms of WIND DAMAGE. You might lose power, could lose a shingle or two off your roof, some old thin branches from a tree, and your for sale sign in your yard. Maybe a young freshly planted tree or two. But not much else. 

Category 3 storms and higher are when you really want to pay attention, be fully stocked on emergency supplies, have your shelter and evacuation plans A, B AND C prepared (seriously, these storms change directions like a 2 year old in a candy store, have multiple plans for where you are sheltering. Inland and north are your best bets, but beware of highway congestion.

Water is the dirty evil doer in any hurricane or tropical storm. Flooding could be an issue if you live in a flood zone, and if you aren't sure you can check online here https://msc.fema.gov/portal/search

Flooding is the main culprit for nearly all forms of devastation and damage to property, crops, livestock, and people. 

If you find you are in a flood zone, update your insurance! Flood insurance is SEPARATE from homeowners and Hurricane and Renters, so be sure to add it on to your policy and if you need sand bags but can't get sand, a mix of kitty litter, flour, sugar etc in a trash bag is good in a pinch!

The above Emergency kit list is really good to have, don't wait til the last minute to get supplies! As the storm nears there will be a run on water, canned soups, non refrigerated and ready to eat snacks, bread etc in your area so expect a number of places to sell out of water, or places like Office Max and Staples and Lowes to jack up the prices for a case of bottled water (They price them per bottle instead of per unit) Also, gas can run out at gas stations so get some when you think of it, not when it’s convenient.  Make sure if you have pets you make a plan for them to go potty in case it becomes unsafe for them to go outside, and bring in your potted plants, and lawn decor you care about. Anything larger, better be covered on your insurance policy.  For windows you cannot put shutters on, like mine as I live in an apartment, I went to Dollar Tree and bought some plastic painters plastic, some duct tape, and some masking or painters tape. I made an X shape on each window with the duct tape (goo-gone will take off residue later) and then using the painters tape, attached the painters plastic sheeting over the whole window for a tiny amount of impact and water protection. (This won’t stop your window from shattering, but it may help you from having a floor covered in tiny glass shards.)

If you are worried about rain water damage, roll up some towels and lay them on your windowsills to absorb excess water that WILL blow in from the changes in air pressure and wind during the storm. 

Buy canned food you will actually eat when the power goes out! Dairy based chowders are NASTY AF to eat cold. Trust me. Vegetable stew, Chicken noodle aren’t great, but they are stomachable. 

Apples, Oranges, Bananas, tomatoes, Avocado and onion do not require refrigeration so they are awesome choices for healthy produce to eat during a lengthy power outage. If the power goes out, and you think it will stay out, clear your produce and lunch meats and dairy from your fridge that first day so you don’t waste all that money in groceries. 

Have power free activities you can do with your family that won’t make you kill one another. Ever play a game of Monopoly for 5 days straight? I have. Choose fun games that aren’t too competitive,like Uno, Phase 10, Life, Chess or tabletop RPG’s like Dungeons and Dragons are excellent choices. 

Solar powered emergency Radio. This thing will save your brain when the only sound you hear is wind, Rain and your family’s whining. Not to mention, warn you of tornadoes, local alerts, storm updates and other news. 

There are tons of extra tips floating around online, but these are my go to’s. I hope they help! 

#Emergency prep #hurricane tips

[seaskjaldmaer]

Purple goo

(follow up to Starry Night)

"Where did you find this?" Hermione asked him.

Harry had been toying with the star shaped-earring between his fingers since he came back to the common room that night. Events from earlier where still replaying in his mind. But he couldn’t find any sense in it all.

"I picked it up in the astronomy tower. » He decided for a neutral enough answer.

She didn’t seem affected by his answer, it had to mean she genuinely didn’t suspect anything.

He couldn’t suspect her.

Nothing made sense. 

The strange happenings of that day were then packed somewhere far in his brain, surely through some unconscious will. 

...

"I can’t meet Hagrid tonight I’m sorry. I have to go to the library."

"You’re always in the library Hermione, surely it won’t refuse you access if you don’t go there for an hour time? » asked Ron. « Besides, it’s been a week since Hagrid’s been asking us to visit him."

"Can’t do tonight, I’m sorry." She said with a tone of finality and walked away. 

"She’s strange these days Hermione, don’t you think?"

"I guess she has her reasons, Ron." Harry replied with a fake tone of detachment.

The Marauder map showed Hermione to be exactly where she said she’d be. Her name appeared in the library, and most importantly, it was alone.

Harry drank the strong tea offered by Hagrid with more ease.

...

They were asked to brew a Regenerative potion today. Of course, half of the ingredients had to be comprised of insects that crawled with unmatched speed as soon as Harry or Ron made a move to grab them. In the table next to his and Ron’s, Malfoy was having no such difficulty with his own insects. Harry hated to acknowledge the fact that the bastard was gifted when it came to potions. The only person who managed better results was Hermione. An immense sense of pride overcame him at the thought of Malfoy Senior giving his son an earful for being thus beaten in class by a muggle born.

The scene forming in his mind made the mysterious earring incident come back to the forefront of his mind. As such, he didn’t notice Ron adding an extra beetle leg into their shared cauldron until it was too late. The content that now was an ugly shade of purple bubbled and boiled over the cauldron to the table and down on the floor. It emitted a foul smell that made Ron, who was right above it, faint on the spot, as well as Neville, who was unfortunate enough to have been asking Ron for an ant. His own seemed to have fled him like the plague.

A gloomy voice snarled next to Harry.

"What have we got here, Potter. Not only you decide to waste valuable ingredients, but also choose to render unconscious other students in my class? I am afraid this will cost twenty points from Gryffindor."

« But… »

"And you will stay behind to clean up the mess. » Snape added, his tone final.

Harry cursed the man under his breath. Fortunately, Ron and Neville were slowly getting conscious again. But the purple hue of their hair was in itself less than fortunate.

He stayed behind in the classroom. Snape had left him to his own device, and Hermione had to bring Ron and Neville to the hospital wing.

He scrubbed the purple moss that seemed to adhere to the dungeon’s floor despite the numerous scourgify spells he tried. If only Hermione was here, she surely knew how to remove that goo that has spread all across the floor. 

Crawling under the table next to the one he previously occupied, Harry noticed a parchment on the floor that went untouched by the purple nightmare. It was severely balled-up but he managed to flatten it enough to make out the moving drawing that was sketched onto the parchment.

An inked-drawn girl with a mass of curls and faint traces of freckles on her nose was intently stirring the content of the cauldron in front of her. Harry gasped as his miniature best friend looked in his direction and blinked.

He recognized the style in this drawing. Its sibling was crunched in his bag since their last Defense Against the Dark Arts class, when professor Lupin had failed to show up and Snape had taken over. Harry had played against Hufflepuff on the Quidditch pitch that same evening. And true to the drawing's prediction, Harry had indeed been thrown off his dear nimbus that day. Just as Malfoy had hinted in ink.

It couldn’t make any sense. 

#dramione #hermione granger #draco malfoy #harry potter #fanfic #drabble #sneaky #dramione fanfic #sort of follow up to starry night

[liskantope]

Chapter 6: R. A. B.

[This is a chapter of my Harry Potter fanfic written back in 2007 just prior to the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Here are chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.]

The next morning dawned bright and sunny. Harry noticed, once again, that there were far fewer students than usual in the Great Hall when he went down for breakfast with Ron and Hermione.

“What’s taking McGonogall so long?” muttered Ron as he watched her rove around the House tables, giving out schedules as she normally did on the first day of term.

“I dunno, but she really seems to be pausing for a long time at each person,” remarked Harry, staring at the back of her head as she bent over Terry Boot’s plate.

When Professor McGonogall got to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, they found out what was taking so much time with each person. She insisted on asking them each a couple of obscure questions to check that they were not Death Eaters in disguise. Harry’s questions were “By what lucky accident did Harry Potter and Ron Weasley manage to knock out a mountain troll in their first year?” and “How do you say, ‘I can eat bubotuber pus; it does not hurt me’* in Parseltongue?” (She had to conjure a pocket dictionary to confirm the last one.)

“Look,” said Hermione. “We get Slughorn this morning, and then our first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson this afternoon. I wonder what that Browne woman will be like…”

“She’s got to be better than Snape, hasn’t she?” said Harry.

“You never know,” said Ron darkly. “She might be Snape’s secret lover or something.” In reaction to Harry’s and Hermione’s looks of disgust, he added, “I mean, they say that opposites attract, don’t they?”

Harry refused to speak to Ron for the rest of the morning in order to teach him a lesson about making light-hearted jokes about Snape in his presence. The seventh-years who were taking Potions at the N.E.W.T. level trooped into the dungeons that morning for their first lesson. Professor Horace Slughorn’s entire body was filling the doorway, and he searched the bag of each student before letting him or her in.

“Hope you all had good summers!” shouted Slughorn jovially, once they were all inside. Then a look of slight concentration came over his pudgy face, and he frowned. “That is to say, hope you all haven’t suffered too many losses this summer! I lost my dear friend Gwenog Jones of the Holyhead Harpies… what will I do now without free tickets to the games? But enough about me. Today we’re making a fun little potion that I call Gooey Solooey. The instructions are on the board… you have one hour… begin.”

Harry did his best to follow the instructions, but found that as the hour went on, his potion got more and more brittle. Harry looked around at his neighbors. Ron’s potion was shooting into the air and splattering back inside the cauldron at random intervals, but Hermione was actually dipping her bare hand into the potion and pulling out a perfectly concocted green goo that had the consistency of silly putty. Harry wasn’t sure what to do. He knew that Slughorn had high expectations of him, despite the fact that his performance in Potions classes has slipped at the end of the last year after his loss of the Half-Blood Prince’s textbook. Finally, he raised his hand to get Slughorn’s attention.

“Yes, Harry, m’boy?”

“Er, Professor? I think I’ve forgotten some of my skills over the summer in my stress over Vol – I mean, You-Know-Who and everything, and I was wondering if you could, er, give me a review of how to crush knarl bones to the correct consistency…”

Harry looked into the round face of Slughorn, who had walked up to his table, and saw that his walrus mustache was quivering with a suppressed smile.

“Now don’t think I don’t know what the problem is!” admonished Slughorn, waving his finger at Harry. “I don’t need to hear another word out of you, boy! I know that it has nothing to do with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! The correlation is obvious: ever since you lost that book owned by the Half-Blood Prince, your performance in my classes has dropped enormously!”

Harry was almost too stunned to speak. He tried to look anywhere but at Hermione’s expression of triumph. Finally he said, “How did you know about the Half-Blood Prince’s book?”

Slughorn threw back his head and let out a booming laugh. “Because I gave you that book on purpose!” he gasped. “I wanted to see what you would do, but I didn’t want to let on that I knew. Your mother, actually, she was hopeless at Potions, but she had such charm that I let her pass my classes, you know. And the best part about the whole thing was the way that you went on hero-worshipping the Half-Blood Prince without actually realizing it was Severus – ha!”

And he was soon overcome with laughter. This laughter was not prolonged, however, by Harry picking up his cauldron and dumping the contents of it all over Slughorn’s bald head. Jagged pieces of some yellowing substance rained like pebbles all over it, scraping Slughorn’s aged skin. Hermione gasped.

“There,” Harry savagely proclaimed into the stunned silence. “That’ll teach you to wind me up about Snape!”

The silence stretched while everyone stared between Harry and Slughorn in horror. Slughorn wiped the blood off the top of his head and looked very serious.

“Harry,” he said slowly and gravely. “That’s the true spirit that any potions-maker needs. In order to succeed at potions, m’boy, one needs more than brains and quick thinking. One needs to be able to tackle the problem directly, to be able to show the contents of the cauldron who’s boss, to be able to get right into its face, if you will. Your mother had this attitude even though she was no good; that’s one of the reasons why I admired her so much. Twenty points to Gryffindor!”

And he waddled out of the room to apply something to his head, leaving Hermione looking furious and Harry feeling very wrong-footed.

Harry assumed that he would be lectured by Hermione after leaving the classroom, but to his surprise, Hermione disappeared and was not seen until after lunch. When she greeted Harry and Ron in the Gryffindor common room, she seemed irritated by something entirely unrelated to Harry’s explosive temper in Potions class.

“I just looked through the school records for Regulus Black,” she said, “and he can’t be the R.A.B. that we’re looking for.”

“Why not?” yawned Ron. “I thought you said it was so obvious and everything.”

“That was before I found out that Regulus’ middle name began with an M and not an A!” snapped Hermione. “Now I’m totally out of ideas!”

But she did not have much more time to fret over it, because it was soon time to go to their Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson. Strangely enough, there was no teacher to greet them outside of the D.A.D.A. classroom, and so they did not have to have their bags searched.

“Clearly, one thing we know already about this new teacher is that she’s not very responsible,” pronounced Ernie McMillan as the students seated themselves behind desks in the otherwise empty classroom. “And she’s late. So far I am at a loss as to what qualities she has that made Dumbledore want to hire her.”

“Probably the very rare quality of being willing to take the job,” said Harry darkly. “I wonder what will happen to her at the end of the year…”

And just then, Harry suddenly felt as though his head had split open. His scar was on fire, it was pain past endurance… He fell out of his chair, unable to see anything with his eyes screwed up as though his face was about to explode. A high, cold voice above his head said, “Not expecting me, were you, Potter?”

Some of the pain cleared, although the scar on Harry’s forehead was still raging. Harry looked up and saw above him a snake-like head with cold, pale eyes and slits for a nose. He gasped in pure horror, unable to believe what he was seeing. One of the thin, white arms of Lord Voldemort was leaning on his desk, and the other was raising a wand and pointing it at Harry.

“Avada…”

“Harry! NO!”

Neville leapt halfway across the room, pointed his wand at Voldemort, and shouted, “Impedimentia!”

Voldemort calmly and wordlessly performed a Shield Charm, and Neville appeared to be hit in the gut with his own spell. He choked and staggered backwards.

“It’s nice to see that you have so many little friends who are willing to die in your place,” sneered Voldemort in a voice completely devoid of compassion. “But there is only one person whom I intend to murder in this room today.”

Harry looked at the other members of the class besides Neville and saw that most of them clearly did not look at all willing to die in his place. They were scrambling over each other, knocking down desks in their haste to get out of the room, but the door seemed to be locked. Harry, meanwhile, was trying to get to his feet, his eyes streaming with tears of pain. Neville was still staggering, and Hermione was standing with her eyes closed, running through spells under her breath as though thinking aloud.

“But it probably wouldn’t be too hard to kill most of the rest of you with a single curse,” added Voldemort as an afterthought, looking at the group of students who were huddled against the closed door, pounding on it.

Harry had got to his feet. “You’ll have to kill me first,” he said softly.

Voldemort stared down at him and muttered, “Oh, all of you are so pathetic.” And then, to everyone’s astonishment, he transformed in an instant into a clean-looking red-haired woman.

“I think we have a lot to learn here,” said Professor Browne with a smile. “Everyone back to your seats please.”

The class returned very shakily to their seats, looking stunned. Harry was rubbing his scar, which was still quite sore.

“What spell did you use to disguise yourself as You-Know-Who, Professor?” said Parvati Patil in an unnaturally high-pitched voice.

“It was an immensely complex spell which created a sort of hologram-like illusion surrounding my person,” said Browne lightly. “But enough jokes. To get down to business…”

“That was supposed to be a joke?” gasped Ron.

“Certainly,” said Professor Browne gaily. “I thought it was a good way to have a fun, hands-on experience in class and to be able to learn something at the same time. I mean, I didn’t actually murder anybody, did I? But anyway, it’s time for a more professional introduction. I am Ramona Browne, spokeswoman for the Deathly Hallows.”

“Er, Professor?” said Dean Thomas. “Who exactly are the Deathly Hallows?”

“That’s a subject for several lessons on,” said Browne with a cheerful smile. “I think we have quite enough to discuss today, what with the abysmal defensive strategies you just displayed.” And she gave them a list of criticisms, after which she insisted on putting them through several more mock battles against Voldemort. She even insisted in making Harry’s scar hurt each time to add to the verisimilitude, much to Harry’s annoyance, and she seemed to be the only one in the class who was having fun. By the end of the double period, she was calling everyone by their first names and expecting to be called “Ramona” rather than “Professor Browne”. Although Harry had to admit that he had never known a personality less like Snape’s, he was not particularly going to be looking forward to future Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons with her.

At the end of the class, Browne turned to face everybody and said brightly, “Does anyone have any questions about what we’ve discussed today? Yes, Hermione?”

“Could I see your business card, please?” said Hermione, a little timidly.

As Hermione held the card in front of her eyes and the rest of the class began to file exhaustedly out the door, Harry saw her beckoning him and Ron over to her. When they were next to her, she showed them the card so that they could read it. It showed Professor Browne’s full name and listed her as both the spokeswoman for the deathly hallows and a newly-hired professor at Hogwarts.

“Don’t you see?” whispered Hermione. “Ramona Anne Browne. R.A.B.”

“Blimey, you’re right!” exclaimed Ron as they left the room. “She was thought to be dead for sixteen years… it all fits! We’ve solved the mystery of who R.A.B. is! But what should we do next?”

“I suppose we’ve got to go up to her office sometime and ask her about it,” said Harry. “How about this evening?”

So after dinner, the three of them made their way to Professor Browne’s office. They had no idea how they were going to put forth the question of the Horcrux with her, but they found to their surprise, as they approached the room, that there were voices already issuing from inside it. They stood with their backs against the wall to listen.

“But I brought you some more beef from dinner…” Browne’s voice was saying.

And the voice that answered was a cold, silky voice that Harry knew, and the very last voice which he expected to hear coming out of Browne’s office.

“I don’t care, I still insist on having more of their rice, it’s the one thing that those moronic house-elves in the kitchens know how to make competently…”

“But you’re not practicing a well-rounded diet, Sevvy!” came Browne’s voice.

“Ramona!” the man in the room said sharply. “I am sorry to say that you have a tendency to nag me incessantly about my personal habits, and I am tired of it. As long as I am living in hiding in your office, I should not be expected to…”

“I don’t nag you about all of your personal habits, as you very well know, Sevvy!” said Browne with a tinkling laugh. “After all, what would I do if you started washing your hair more often? It would lose that wonderful greasy shine that it has.”

The man’s voice did not respond.

“Oh, come now, you know you’re adorable when you get all sulky, but that doesn’t mean that it will persuade me to sneak down to the kitchens for more food!”

“In that case, you will have to pay the consequences,” sneered the man. “For a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, you are certainly lacking in many areas of common sense.”

“Now you’ve hurt my feelings!” Harry could tell that Browne was pouting. “Very well, then, I will go down, but I don’t know how I’m going to be able to explain this to whatever teacher or student who notices me!”

Harry heard her get up but was mesmerized with shock. The next thing he knew, Ron and Hermione had got hold of both sides of him and had yanked him out down the hallway and out of sight of the door just as Professor Browne opened it.  Harry was far too fixated on the sound of the all-too-familiar male voice to resist, and he continued to tremble with hatred.

* allusion to the I Can Eat Glass project.

#Harry Potter #harry potter and the deathly hollows (my fanfic version) #not sure what to tag for in content #blast from the past #Might delete this

[tayzamxlfoy]

Cute. (Sirius Black imagine ;))

Sirius Black imagine where Sirius kisses reader, it’s just so cute ahh.

Warnings: swearing, tha’s all!! :)) enjoy

Sirius Black sat next to you in potions.

He just sat.

But yet he sat so fucking perfectly and his legs were sitting comfortably apart and his beautiful face rested boredly on his perfect fist on his perfect arm on the perfect table. How can someone have a perfect fist? Yet he fricken managed it.

But if anyone was going to manage it. It was Sirius Orion Black.

And Holy Ghost how his black wavy hair fell messily and carelessly over his eyes and he flicked it back irritatedly was enough to make a girl (or a boy even) melt, boyyyy was he perfect.

Sitting there, next to you, watching professor Slughorn write out the ingredients for the draught of living death you were about to concoct. And man would you need some of that stuff because you felt as if every time you looked at one of your best friends Sirius Black a part of you died.

In a good way :)

“Now, I don’t expect any of you to get it right first time, or second time for that fact, but if any of you do, I will be very proud, and the lucky winner will get an instant invitation to the slug club dinner this evening. Good luck!!”

Chairs slid across the dungeon floor as everyone went to their tables with their potion equipment on.

He got up and looked around boredly as he walked towards both of your table that you shared.

How did he walk so sexily??

“Y/N?? Earth to Y/N”

You were awoken from your badly mistimed daydream by Sirius knocking on your head gently. “Anyone in there??” He mocked listening to your head as if he would hear someone inside.

You lightly smacked his hand away, “hey!!” You laughed and felt your cheeks go a bit pink.

He mocked a sigh, “I thought we’d finally lost you there.”

“Shut up” you laughed and pushed him playfully as you went to grab some asphodel root from the shelf.

Shit. Being a short ass does not help in these situations.

You gave yourself a mini mental pep-talk. Stop thinking about Sirius. My god Y/N you are not going to pass your OWLS by daydreaming all the damn time. Save it for later!! You sounded like your mum. Oops.

“Need some help??” A callused hand came to rest gently on your waist and a warm chest came with it and touched your back slightly. His other hand stretched up and grabbed the asphodel you needed with ease.

The touch sent a shiver up your body. A good one. An amazing one. Ohhh my god I’m going to die. He’d touched you many times before, being one of your best friends, but man it never felt as good as this.

You could almost sense his smirk when you turned around to him. He knew exactly what he was doing to you.

The shit.

“Thankyou Black but I could have got it perfectly fine on my own.” You smiled and laughed.

His face was full of amusement, “I’m sure.”

The lesson went on and Sirius hovered next to you, not really helping at all. For the best probably. He sucked at potions.

In the middle of the lesson, in one of his few attempts to help you with the potion to look like he was doing something, he knocked the vial of bean juice with his arm going all over the table. “Oh godric’s flippin’ arse.” You heard this and burst with laughter, earning a stern look from Slughorn and the girls over on the end table. Sirius’ laughter mixed with yours and he grabbed your shoulder and went shhhh between all the laughing. If you were drinking tea at that moment, you definitely would have spat it out.

At the end of the lesson, you grabbed your books and waited for James to clear up all of the exploding goo he ‘accidentally’ cooked up in his cauldron which was now all over their work table. It was pretty funny really.

“Hey,” Sirius put his hand in the crook of your arm. You turned to him. “Let’s wait for him outside.”

You followed him out of the classroom and into the corridor outside. It was basically abandoned.

“Where’s Moony and Peter??” You asked.

“They left already, Wormtail won’t stay around Slughorn for longer than he needs to. He’s taken a liking to him because of his talent with potions, nearly got invited to slug club. He doesn’t wanna be seen as a teachers pet.” He laughed his beautiful full laugh. “Why would anyone want a pet rat.”

You laughed with him. Although you felt a bit sorry for peter, you knew what Sirius meant.

“Your laugh is cute,” he smirked and lifted his hand to your ear, gently tucking your hair behind it.

You felt yourself have a slight intake of breath as he did so, your heartbeat going crazy.

He smirked and smiled even more as he brought his hand up and stroked your cheekbone lightly with his thumb, as if he could hear your heart beating out of your chest and your brain going oh my god oh my god pathetically.

You little shit.

You laughed a little and looked down embarrassedly. He brought his fingers along your jaw to your chin and brought it up gently so you were looking at him. You could get so easily lost in his eyes.

You realised then just how close you were to each other, feeling your cheeks grow rosier as you looked up into his face that you love so much. He was looking at you in a slight curiosity, a ghost of a smirk on his face.

He started to bring his head closer to yours, leaning down slowly as he was taller than you, still with his soft fingers on your chin. As his lips got closer to yours his hand ran slowly back up your jaw and went to the side of your face and his fingers tangled in your hair.

You couldn’t quite believe what was happening. Your heartbeat elevated and nerves filled with excitement. Every single inch of your skin ached for him to kiss you and never let you go. You laughed at yourself in your head, boy you were patheti...

He kissed you.

His soft lips brushed yours softly as you felt your insides melt. He paused, as if for dramatic affect, a ghost of a smirk floating on his face. His right hand travelled to your waist as he kissed you more, a little firmer but still so gentle, his left in your hair. Man was he good.

Also, he smelt fricken phenomenal.

His touch drove you insane, your heart beating out of your chest. He smirked into the kiss as if he knew, you smiled into his lips. I never want to be apart from you, ever. You giggled a little into the kiss. I’m so pathetic.

You both finally came apart, your hands still in his hair and on his chest and his gently in your hair and on your waist. Though still impossibly close, almost reluctant to come apart,

He still wore his annoying perfect smirk, you laughed a little breathlessly and rested your forehead against his.

Suddenly there was a rustle a little away of a packet being opened. Padfoot and you looked towards the doorway of the class room and rested upon an extremely smug looking James leaning against the door frame and eating a rather large packet of fizzing wizzbees.

“Hello lovebirds,” he crooned, “enjoy that??”

Oh I wanna hit him.

You rolled your eyes laughing and Sirius threw a ball of screwed up paper at him, smiling.

“You’re a dick,” Sirius pointed out. You and James laughed with him, we all knew this was truer than true.

“I thought I’d be fucking 50 by the time you two finally got off. Man I could not deal with any more relationship advice sessions from Moony for you. Torture.”

He came between you both and linked arms, leading you all out towards the grounds where you always sat. You laughed, damn he was annoying. You loved him though.

You looked curiously at Sirius, he’d talked about you?? You could swear he turned a little pink as he winked at you earning a smile and a laugh.

Merlin you’re gorgeous.

“I’m sure Moony gives amazing relationship advice,” you laughed. He was pretty wise, like an owl.

“Better than yours,” Padfoot scoffed earning a return scoff from Prongs.

“Bullocks, my relationship advice is brilliant, I could get anyone any girl,” he began to strut a bit, earning your laugh again.

“Anyone any girl bit you can’t get yourself Lily,” laughed Sirius, a cheeky smirk rising up on his face.

James glared at him and tried to trip him up. “Dick.”

You rested your head on his shoulder gently, “you’ll get her James.”

He smiled at you gratefully (another gorgeous smile, merlin why are all my best friends so gorgeous??)

“thanks y/n/n” and he touched his head to yours gently and you pulled yours up; his messy brown hair tickled your forehead.

“Anyway,” he announced with his usual energy, “now we have you two snogging to fawn over.” He grinned widely and you started laughing as Sirius unlinked arms and pushed him as they started to playfight.

Walking behind them giggling you subconsciously brought your fingertips to your lips, where Sirius had just been.

You could still feel his soft lips on yours, taste them almost. An uncontrollable smile grew on your face as you thought of it. You’d wanted to do that for so long it looked like he had too. Damn you could not wait for more of that.

You looked up at them playfighting and laughing and you laughed again.

Oh this is perfect.

#oh my god i love sirius #sirius black #sirius imagines #james potter #james imagines #marauders #marauders imagines #head canon #harry potter imagines #harry potter

[turqrambles]

I watched all 26 episodes of an obscure Australian cartoon in one week and I’m not okay - My journey with Wicked! (2001) PART 2 - The Actual Review

Hello again! I just checked my watch and I noticed that it was time to talk about the cartoon with the apple-headed guy some more!

When I last talked about this delightful piece of obscure media, I went over the origin story of how the show was created, introduced the cast of characters, and then talked about the main draw of the cartoon that makes it unique of other cartoons of its quality.

And then, at the end of the blog post, I mentioned that I think that the cartoon is merely “Okay” rather than anything Amazing. It has a great idea but ultimately, it really is just an alright show.

So now, after introducing this beautiful cartoon and explaining to everyone just what the hell is going on, it’s time to break this whole thing down.

The Good, The Bad, and The Apple-Flavored

Wicked! is a weird show to grade. The animation itself fluctuates in quality and there’s some very obvious cut corners from how frequently animation is recycled in some of the episodes, scenes can have weird editing or continuity errors, and sometimes they’ll even recycle sound bytes like insults that Dawn and Rory shout at each other or Gramps reminding everyone about Normandy. I feel like I heard The Appleman mention that something was “100% real nightmare” like five times while watching this whole thing in quick succession.

Information for this cartoon is practically nonexistent, but my theory is that this happened because the animation was all produced in a single in-house Australian studio rather than shipping bits of it overseas to get tightened up. Again, I could be wrong, and if anyone has any better information, please send me an ask, but a lot of the techniques that Wicked! use reminded me of Filmation, which also famously kept everything in one studio.

Just be warned, similar to when someone watches He-Man and go “oh hey, I recognize that talking animation from the second episode”, there are shots that get reused often to save time. Get used to that one scene where Appleman is laughing and running across the steel walkway suspending over the refinery vats, it’s used a ton.

That being said, when they give them the budget to add a little polish to the show, they do a pretty good job!

Don’t be fooled by my talk of He-Man - this show actually looks pretty great. Most of the time the animation is pretty fluid and the decision to constantly use shadows to wrap around the characters really works in its favor and gives it an extra layer of moodiness.

It just reuses animation on top of that.

I think that, in many ways, Wicked! is carried more by the strength of its ideas over its actual execution. Even if this show gets super goofy at times (this is a show where the Appleman literally infects the Internet by taking a piper and dropping glowing green goo on a CD-ROM), there is a definite horror undertone to the show that gets carried through its entire season.

Dare I say it, the show actually gets a little scary at times. That scene where the kids discover that their pets are nothing but empty skins with all the organs and bones sucked out in the first episode actually sets the mood really well and feels extremely faithful to the original books.

Plus the concept of The Appleman being able to tinker around with a living virus and create something that can mutate literally anything is a fun as hell idea, even if it doesn’t make sense most of the time and seems like a weird mutation (hah) of the conflict from the books. It’s just fun that this guy can create literally anything out of thin air as a weapon just so long as he goes to his lab and makes something that allows him to do so.

The Pros

*The Appleman. Yeah, there’s a very good reason why the only thing people remember about this show is The Appleman. He’s just a fun character and a fun villain. His design does takes a bit to get used to on account of how uncanny he can be, and there are times when they draw him off-model and make him look just horrendous, but once you see how far they go with the apple-theming, you kinda start to vibe with the apple headed monster.

Sure, he’s basically your run-of-the-mill cartoon villain but with a bonus tragic backstory, but his vocal performance by Bill Conn really sells the whole package. You can tell that he’s greatly unhinged and that he’s not exactly playing with a full deck. It’s only until the last episode that they flat-out say that he’s being controlled by the same virus that he’s been using to infect other creatures, but I’m pretty sure your average cartoon-watching kid is able to guess that just from the small hints that they drop.

Also all of his vehicles are apple-colored and I love a villain that takes the time to make sure he has a proper theme.

(The “starting out with an island with apple trees on Animal Crossing: New Horizons” moodboard)

*The Family. I liked that, since this show is about terrorizing one particular dysfunctional Australian family, all five family members of this show get enough character development that the mom and dad feel like they’re more than “the mom and dad character”. Save for that one episode where Gramps was constantly bragging about how back in his day, he didn’t need electricity, he was a fun, lovable grandpa, and I like that the kids get someone to talk to about mutant frogs and such.

They’re definitely dysfunctional and, as I mentioned in the previous post, Rory and Dawn constantly insulting each other in every single episode can be grating at times, but I like that their level of dysfunction is not because of the mom and the dad having an emotionally abusive relationship. If anything, the mom and the dad have the most stable relationship in the whole show! Eileen and Jack love each other and I hate that I’m at a point where I see this husband and wife genuinely enjoying each other’s company and I go “Yes, this is something refreshing”.

Also, gotta give the show points for having the family be two single parents from past relationships finding each other and getting married and for having Eileen be totally cool with her new in-law Gramps. 

*The Slobberers. Expanded from the first creatures from the books, I like that the apple-headed monster has giant worms for pets (again, gotta aggressively keep to the apple theming) and, while there’s a couple episodes where they’re just something to give The Appleman something to talk to, their designs are fun. Gives the animators an excuse to draw slime.

In a later episode, he mentions that he considers them his only friends and boy...that’s rough, buddy. 

*There’s an episode where characters travel into the Internet and fight a buff video game avatar of The Appleman in a late 90′s dungeon crawler computer game. I looooove late 90′s Internet imagery in cartoons, what can I say. You even see the dial-up pop window and a clunky late 90′s webcam!

*This is a show where a divorced man keeps bugging his own son and ex-wife while sometimes trying to kill his ex-wife’s new husband - all while keeping to a strict apple and virus theme - and honestly, this is a pro on its own. The Appleman is such a petty bitch at times and I love it.

*The Appleman is allergic to medicine. Minor touch, but I like that, since he’s a virus-themed bad guy, they apply “Revive Kills Zombie” logic on this guy and he literally can’t take painkillers because it’ll only cause him more pain and agony. This comes up in an episode where he’s screaming in pain and wishes he could make the pain go away but just can’t.

*The Title Cards. This is one of those shows that freezes on eye-catching artwork for each episode title before they continue with the rest of the episode and they’re really nice.

*The Accents. Forgot to mention this anywhere else, but since this is an Australian produced cartoon that aired primarily in Australia, everyone is rocking a very noticeable Australian accent and say things like “Oi, you two! Come and get a wriggle on!”. It’s fantastic.

They were definitely at the level where, if this show ever did make it to the states, they would’ve dubbed it to sound more American. And probably flip the animation so that the characters are driving on the opposite side of the road.  

The Cons

*The Reused animation and sound clips. This is unfortunately the show’s biggest strike against it. Once your brain picks out which scenes get reused and which voice clips get reused, you’ll notice that some of the episodes have a noticeably smaller polish than others. The episode “Decayed” in particular felt like 50% footage from previous episodes and boy, did it stick out like a sour thumb because of it.

That being said, I didn’t mind too much (watching a lot of B-list anime and Filmation shows will do that to you) and I feel like you would’ve noticed this a lot less if you weren’t blazing through all 26 episodes in a short period of time like I was. But it is definitely a bummer that they had to cut corners like this because again, when they don’t cut corners, this show looks utterly fantastic.

I guess the lesson here is that the animators of this show didn’t get paid enough, but really, you can say that about literally every animated project in existence.

*Weird continuity inconsistencies. This goes into a weird nitpicking “you probably only noticed this because you’re an adult with too much free time/boy I sure hope someone got fired for THAT blunder!” territory, but sometimes this cartoon does a thing where something minor is established and then the cartoon subtly retcons it.

Mostly I’m using this space to complain about how Dawn explicitly mentions that they don’t own a cat, but then in the “character shrinks to the size of an ant” episode, they have a pet cat! They have a pet cat that lasts a grand total of one episode and no one says anything!

What happened to the cat, Rory? What happened to the cat?!

(my theory is, like his father, it ran away from this family)

*Some episodes use stock cartoon plots. There is an episode where the main characters shrink to the size of an ant. There is a camping episode. There is a school dance episode. There is a Halloween episode. There is an episode focused on teeth. There is an episode that talks about the dangers of too much fast food.

Like the reused animation issue, depending on the episode, you end up not minding too much about this on account of how utterly bonkers The Appleman is when he’s concocting his evil schemes. The “characters teleport into the Internet” episode ended up being one of my favorites, as did the school dance episode.

But at the same time, two of my least favorite episodes are the stock episode plot episodes, so it’s definitely a mixed bag.

*They use real photographs in background shots and it bugs me. Come on, guys. Just have the blank wall or scribble in some posters. Anything will look better than this cartoon character standing right next to a still image from Alfred Hitchcock’s North by Northwest, especially when you clearly had the time to draw that cartoon skull on the door.

*The three plot-heavy episodes unfortunately have weaker animation. This just seems like weird planning on their parts, but Episode 1, Episode 4, and Episode 26 are all episodes that deal with backstory of The Appleman and this wacky dysfunctional family and, for some reason, they didn’t bring their A game in regards to actually animating these episodes.

I feel like if you’re dealing with heavy backstory, you need to make the episode look good, because that’s going to be the stuff that the audience remembers. You need to have the flashback of The Appleman’s horrific transformation while he was working at the old refinery look amazing, but instead it just....doesn’t.

(picture unfortunately related)

Just to make a note, the episodes with the most fluid animation are the following: The one with the mutant plants, the one with the mutant sheep, the Halloween episode, the episode with the dinosaur bones, and the episode where The Appleman learns how to make clones. None of these episodes are important to the overarching plot. 

*One of the episodes is unfortunately popular because it depicts animation that caters to the inflation fetish. Just...noting this for posterity. It makes google image searches of this cartoon a bit awkward. I’m not going to elaborate much further.

*There’s a minor transphobic joke in one of the episodes. In the episode “Decayed”, The Appleman dresses up like a nurse, tries to adopt a more feminine voice, and puts on makeup and fake eyelashes. Thankfully, this only happens for like three seconds and is never mentioned again.

The rest of the show otherwise passes the “can this still fly in 2020″ test. I’m just making a note here because it is pretty shitty. 

Closing Thoughts

Wicked! is not the best show in the world, and I struggle to call it “great”, but it is a solid and enjoyable one and honestly, the things that it has going for it are unique enough that I recommend giving it a shot despite its shortcomings.

If anything, my main takeaway from watching this whole show is that this show does not deserve to be as obscure as it is. At the very least, the concepts and characters introduced here are strong ones - the villain is a bitter divorced man transformed by a hate-feeding virus after all - and I feel that, in a more fair world, this show got the small but dedicated fanbase it so woefully needs. It doesn’t deserve a huge following of fans, but I say it definitely deserves a Fanfiction.net tag with 200 fanfics total and a lot more fanart than what it does.

While I’m not sure I could recommend it as one of the great obscure cartoons that everyone missed, I think it’s definitely worth checking out for anyone looking for a fun time. It’s definitely a hidden gem, even if the hidden gem has a few imperfections. If anything, this show is a definite wild ride and I think it’s time for everyone to give this cartoon a shot.

Anyway I got to see The Appleman playing Second Life and moving the muscle slider all the way to the right, so I obviously had a blast.

Next time, I talk about the actual episodes!

#Turq watches a cartoon #Turq Reviews #Wicked! #Wicked! (2001)

[pumpkin-spice-bun]

Far From Home

“Day 730 of quarantine. Lilian, your alarm went off five times already. Get up and report for daily reassessments.”

“How about no?” The girl was immediately thrown out of her bed, feeling every joint in her body snap and crackle as she slammed into the wall. 

“Report to the medical bay. Now.”

“Yes, HLN.” Lilian responded as dull as the AI’s voice. She smoothed out her hair and zipped up her jumpsuit in irritation. Everyday was an endless cycle; medical re-record, repair the quarantine ship, update and manually repair the internal systems, clean the entire ship, rinse and repeat. The same routine every day for two years with the security robots and Henry. At least he never changed...

“Lilian, female, age 20, species, Homo sapiens. Born on Earth to two parents, Rose and Timothy. Brown hair and blue eyes remain unchanged. Blood pressure is lower than normal, as expected. Height is 5 feet 7 inches. Weight is 120 pounds, lower than expected.” The med bay report was updated during the walk. It was supposed to take a few minutes but Lilian had managed to stretch it to a solid five if the AI was distracted. A sharp object was jabbed into her spine, “Get moving. You have multiple health tests and ship repairs to do before you can rest.” Today was not one of those days...

“Lilian, why are you here, on this ship?”

“Because I have been claimed to be sick by the forces of the Infinity Guard.” Another jab.

“No, you are sick. This is so you will get better before you are sent back to your home planet and rejoin society as a whole. Lilian, would you please tell me what you are sick with?”

She was not allowed to answer until she was strapped into a chair in the med bay, or dungeon as she called it.

“I don’t know. I’m not-“ Her words were cut off by a sharp jolt of electricity starting from her ankles. 50 volts, only gets worse from here.

“Try again”

“I don’t kno-“ 500

“Again”

“I’m telling you, I don’t-“ 1,000, stand your ground Lily. You can do this.

“Final try.”

“I’M NOT SICK!” 50,000 volts through the leg. 

“Failure to report sickness. This has been going on for nearly two years Lilian. To correct you, you have been diagnosed with improper behavior caused by a failure to produce sufficient neurological chemicals, including Serotonin and Dopamine. Report to the cafeteria for breakfast. Nutrient gruel with mineral enhanced water, both calculated for your body weight. You will have five minutes to eat once you get there.”

Lilian barely managed to lift her weight onto her stinging leg while she was pushed along by the security robots. S.A.M.E.S. they were called, all identical with no defining traits, fitting for them... Three minutes to the cafeteria, as always, with less food than before, if it could even be called that. The same tasteless gruel every day, two times a day, with five bottles of water throughout. None of her needed medications were allowed. 

“Five minutes have started.” Rang the AI, clear as day with no emotion. Each second seemed to drag on while Lilian pokes at the excuse for food in front of her. It had been two years since she had anything close to normal food. No more sweet fruits or homemade meals. Everything had to be portioned according to her body, but she always had less to eat with each passing day. “Time is up. Failure to complete 250 grams of gruel. Total calorie intake: 0.” It wasn’t worth eating anyway...

Eight hours later it was back to the cafeteria. There was no damage done to the outside of the ship, so Helen decided on her own programming that her prisoner was to work overtime readjusting the internal wires of the ship. At barely 10 feet tall, 20 yards wide, and 30 yards long, the prison would hardly constitute as a home. Even the beautiful stars outside seemed dull in comparison after two years.

“Lily!” Henry... always excited about something... Lilian managed a meek smile as the orbital robot zipped over to her. He was part of a robot line created for insanity avoidance, but he was now the closest thing she had to a companion who actually cared about her. A part of the robot line, named KVN’s, his branch was allocated to prisoners in quarantine prisons, dedicated to the care and recovery before they were sent back into society, the official name being HNY. Not once had he annoyed her to the point of violence, which was a plus. “Henry...” 

“Did you look outside? The X-23 nebula looks great today! I also managed to find some more pictures of Terran wildlife, foxes, wolves, and badgers included! Oo! And there’s a clear shot of Ursa Minor right over there!” He pointed out the small window and sure enough, the tiny star was visible ever so slightly against the mass ocean of glimmering lights. North, we’re facing north right now. Henry looked back over and the joy vanished from his one, expressive robotic eye. “Again?” The ration was untouched once more. “I’m fine, Henry. I’m not hungry.”

“Lily, you’re losing weight and not in a good way. I can see your ribs!” Sure enough, the bones poked through the layers of skin and clothing, easily nudged aside by the small metal hand. “Not even a tiny bit?”

“No.”

“After all the hard work you did today?”

“I mean it, I’m not hungry.”

Henry floated closer to her in defeat, gently wrapping his arms around her. “Just try to eat something next time, ok? I don’t want you actually getting sick.” 

“I’m going to be fine. I promise.” 

Suddenly the lights flickered out and everything went black.

“Lily! LILY! Get up, please! We gotta go, Infinity Guard troops are on their way!” Henry’s voice barely managed to get to her. Lilian sat up slowly, blinking dirt and blood out of her eyes. “Wh- what?”

“We were attacked. Something shot the ship out of orbit and we crashed into a nearby planet’s surface. The ship is gone, but I managed to save your stuff and get you out. But we have to get going! Can you stand up?”

Lily struggled to her feet, wiping more blood away from her eyes. “I didn’t think we were close to a planet. Do you think it’s habitable?” 

“Probably. You can breathe safely so there must be something, right?”

“Right. Something carbon based could be alive...”

“Heh, you never changed even after all that. Bleeding from your head, slightly starved and you can still think straight. Same old-“ A sharp electric shock took out the robot, causing him to fall along with the small box of Lily’s belongings. They hadn’t gone a few feet. At the same time, something whacked the back of Lily’s knees, knocking her down again before she could register the pain. Her vision darkened again as she managed to pick up someone talking. “Congratulations, you are being rescued. Please do not resist, despite the name of the Resistance.”

It might have been hours before Lily woke up again in another metallic room. Barely two minutes of freedom and already back in a ship, just her luck. At least she had her old clothes though.

Back in familiar jeans and flannel shirt, she waltzed out of the room, rubbing a growing bruise on her elbow from a needle, seemed to be from a fluid bag of some kind. “Hey, she’s ok!”

“HUE, you can’t just knock someone out and expect them to be perfect! You could’ve killed her!”

“My apologies, I have yet to get used to having a corporal form.”

‘Three people, all male. At least one robot, seemingly an artificial intelligence. Then two organics, a teenager and a-‘ Her thoughts were cut off when she saw what they were, or at least the adult. A human, another, breathing human, well two anyway. A feline-esque  creature, the teenager, nearly tackled her over. ‘He has fur! Actual fur! It looks so soft!’ At least that seemed to be the case, something different than years of endless contact with metal. 

“Uh, what are you doing?” It took a minute for Lily to realize she was in fact petting the cat, technically Ventrexian. 

“...sorry.” Her voice was barely above a whisper while she slinked back. ‘Wait, that was wrong. Right? Did I do that right?’

”Hey, Newbie!” ‘Newbie?’ “Welcome to the Crimson Light, I’m KVN, everyone here loves me. Hey, you wanna do Jell-O shots with some sludge I found? We’re going to be best friends! But it’s like this rainbow sludge or something, it looks super cool, kinda like the brain goo I found that one time.” ‘Shut up. Shut up shut up SHUT UP!’ 

——

“Lily? You ok? You just booked it out of nowhere... the crew has been looking everywhere for you, they thought they did something wrong.” Henry. Just as it always was, just a robot for a companion. 

“I... I really did that?”

“Yeah. You just screamed at the other bot and then hightailed out of there like a bat out of hell. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so scared.”

Her hands shook as she held onto one of the robotic arms, terrified of nothing but everything at the same time. She had scuttled into an old air vent with no light and no warmth, just cold metal hardly four feet tall going back as far as the eye could see.

“There’s a little bit of food left in the kitchen if you wanted it, no one's there. I actually found some cookies in there, oatmeal chocolate chip! Your favorite!”

Surrounded by steel, Lily had long started to fall asleep to the robot’s excited blabber.

#fs #final space #drabble #triggering content #electrocution #goodspeed #lilian goodspeed