#never have in three years not gonna start now

[billskeis]

Hi, would it be fine, if I ask you for bill angst?

I don't want the reader to forgive so easily too 😫😩

Thanks, pookieboo.

ᡣ𐭩 bill’s stupid priorities

“i want to break up.” bill said. he said it so easily, as though he’s been thinking about it for a while. you stand there in the middle of the living room, dropping your glass of water, glass shattering to the floor as you physically feel sick. suddenly all air is lost in your lungs as you force your body to swallow the boulder forming in your throat from becoming any larger.

mouth agape before you could speak. what’s gotten into him? everything was fine before, but.. now all of a sudden he wants to end things? you sit down on the couch beside him, he inches himself a distance from you, your heart stings at the action, oh he’s serious.

“can you tell me why?” you hold onto your knees to prevent shaking, your breath already doing enough of that.

“i..i just want to focus on the band—and don’t get me wrong—i know you said you don’t care about me putting the band before you.. but, i can’t. i don’t want to do this to you anymore.” he begins to sit up from the couch, a hand of yours instinctively grasping onto him.

“but i never once asked you for anything more! please, i’m content with what we have just—please don’t leave me,” tears welling up in your eyes as they begin to cloud your vision, “this, we’re stronger than this, bill, it’s been years. and you want to drop it all now?”

he shakes your hand off of him. stepping further and further away from your apartment as he gathers his things.

“‘m sorry y/n. it’s over.”

“how long?”

“h-huh?”

“how long have you been thinking about this? how long were you gonna wait and plan to tell me this while i naively loved you, craved you. and cherished every single moment we’ve had with one another before you meant to break up with me.”

you’re now stood up to his level, on the balls of your feet that began to ache with impatience. as your now ex-boyfriend stands there without a single word to say. wow, so he’s been thinking about it for a while then.

you sit down on the couch, elbows propped up onto your knees as you begin to sob into your hands after emitting a small “fine. do whatever you want,” and with the click of the door shutting, it all came raining down on you as your heart bore the loss and pain of love that you had with your person.

all you could think about were the happy memories of your time with bill. it started off as meeting in elementary school, protecting him from the ruthless bullies that bothered him and tom. escalating to a vow where the three of you are bound to stick and stay together forever.

it was clear that over the years you and bill’s bond were, in short words—closer— than you and tom. sometimes during your weekly hangouts alongside georg and gustav, you and bill would secretly escape and elope to god knows where. sharing mcdonalds together, watching movies with one another. hand holding whenever it felt right, which was, all the time.

you were there with bill when times were tough and tokio hotel got an immense amount of hate. the morales were low and bill felt as though he lost all hope, but you didn’t let him. did everything in your power, actually, to get him back on his feet and now tokio hotel are back stronger and better than ever! so.. did that all mean nothing to him?

when he all of a sudden just decided to spew at you that he wanted to break up? why did he get to make such a decision himself?

oh, how poor you wish you knew ..

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

during their performance everything was going super smooth! fans were chanting, guitars were going and the set was perfect. well, the three of the members thought the flow was going perfect. whilst singing it’s second verse, bill scans the crows to see a bunch of fangirls and boys screaming and crying for the young rockstars.

all but one face, the face he yearns to see is missing. leading him to stumble on a line where he completely banks out on his line.

he quickly picks up the pace, backing his track onto the song as he shares a glance with tom. tom, who’s jaw is clenched as he strings his guitar, mouths a ‘what the hell’ to his younger brother as he then focuses on the crowd in front of him, staging a facade to not start any unnecessary drama for the media to feed and bank money on.

“what the hell, bill!?” tom throws his empty coca cola can at bill, who successfully dodges as they now sit in the dressing room post-concert.

bill scoffs as he uses a small towel to wipe off the sweat and dripping mascara off his face, “you just completely fucked up our tempo. like you’ve been doing for the past couple of days, s’wrong with you??” georg plops himself down on the couch as he swings an arm around his band member. “betcha it has something to do with y/n.” he teases.

tom quirks an eyebrow, “the fuck did he do?” gustav slips in, “he broke up with her,” tom, left in complete and utter shock, not cause he was the last to know but the fact that his brother let the only person who loved his brother so much to the point they’d kill, he broke up with, “are you fucking insane!?!”

“take a shot every time tom said ‘fuck’ or ‘fucking.’” georg snorts.

“please georg, now is not the time. and yes, i did break up with them. i made it clear that i wanted to focus on the band and that.. they were a distraction.” this time, tom threw a decorative couch pillow at bill, who again, successfully evades the blow by catching it within a hold.

“you’re fucking stupid.”

“how am i stupid? how am i stupid for wanting to focus on the band? isn’t this what we would’ve wanted?? no distractions, whatsoever. you even decided to stop taking in groupies because it fucked with our tempo.”

“it fucked with MY tempo. nobody else even noticed. but you, bill, are our lead singer. and with your tempo fucked, so is everyone else’s. look at you man, you can’t even deliver your lines without messing up, it’s been like this for the past couple weeks! what will the media think?? what will our fans think?? you were never once like this when with y/n. they, in fact, helped our tempo.”

“i..i thought it’d help us..”

“well, it didn’t. and y’know what. i know you regret it. i saw you. i saw the way that your pathetic little gaze scanned the crowd in hopes to see them. well guess what, they weren’t there. you betrayed them. betrayed us, remember that vow? how could you do this? i thought you loved them.”

bill looks down as his hands, empty. as if they’re missing something. someone, someone who fits and moulds to them completely and perfectly. tom was right. he did love you. bill just thought, by breaking things off would help with his career, singing is his life, tokio hotel, the band, his fans, are all his life. but so were you.

the only thing that bill could imagine at that very moment was the touch of your hand atop of his head, comforting him to let him ‘know everything would be okay.’

all he wants, is a caress from his girlfriend.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

you stare at yourself in the mirror, waiting for your friend to come out the washroom to reveal her own outfit to you. “wow. you look amazing babe!” she giggles as she twirls you, hand holding your arm above your body in your tight-skin dress. “thanks, but ‘m not sure if i’m ready to go now..”

“are you kidding?? take all the time you need. oh! but not too long i wanna be there early enough there’s still free alcohol.”

you bite your lip. you didn’t really want to go out. after the breakup all you did was stay inside, watching movies, binge, watch more movies, stay in bed. hell, you didn’t even shower for a few days! it took hours and hours of convincing for your best friend to finally persuade you into going to a house party.

she looks at you and softens her gaze, arms wrapping around your body as you simple stand there, “i know. i know you originally weren’t planning to go out. but you need to. you need to finally get back into the world and realize that a world without bill is still worth living. hey! maybe you’ll end up finding someone else while we’re out.”

you snicker at her and pat her back for her to let go, “you know i don’t want anything else but bill. but hey, you’re right. i deserve this, and i’m worth more than bill and i’s relationship!” you pump yourself up as your best friend cheers for you, “that’s the spirit! now let’s go get our drinks on!”

“w-wait y/n!! where are you going!? we didn’t even get our third shots yet!” your friend chases after you in the crowd as pushes away the people preventing her from getting to you so easily. you stop in your tracks and turn on your feel to face her, “he’s.. he’s here! sophia he’s here i—i gotta go.”

she tugs on your hand to hold you back from leaving any further, “so what? the night is still young and there’s so many people around. he won’t notice!”

in despite of all the commotion of the people dancing, making out, laughing and drinking, smoking and grinding, there you stood in the hallway with your best friend as the two of you bickered. bill’s eyes widened in shock as he saw you here of all places. but why did it matter to him? the two of you were broken up.

he stared in awe at how you looked. glowing. the way you shine in such a dimly lit environment almost had his knees buckling. if it weren’t for the publicity of it. bill would’ve already been on the floor, a full on prayer for you to take him back. he would’ve done it, if it weren’t for the multiple spilt drinks mixed with the dirt and germs tracked onto the floor of the somewhat fraternity house. one could say it was even worse than the club.

“and that’s when she—bill? where’ya goin??” tom asks with a blunt accompanying the corner of his mouth.

“to get my girlfriend back!” he looks back to his older brother who’s already shooing him off, a proud smile plastered onto his face at the sight of his determined younger brother. as bill made his way through the crowd of people, one girl attempted to grab onto his arm, caressing it, as he quickly shut her down her pick-up line, cutting her off with a ‘not interested’ as he now stands in front of you.

oh fuck. oh fuckfuckfuck he’s right in front of you. god, he looked amazing. and you bet if you inched a bit closer to him he’d be wearing that cologne you loved so much. oh who are you kidding he probably doesn’t wear that anymore since the two of you aren’t dating anymore. he is wearing it

“hi.. y/n. can we, talk? please?” he shoves his hands inside his pockets, standing there awkwardly.

sophia had to slap your arm for you to realize that you haven’t said anything for a minute. dissociating as you haven’t grasped the fact that your ex boyfriend was standing right in front of you, and he wanted to talk??

anger bubbled within your core. he wanted to talk?? after all this time, and after all these weeks, he wants to talk?? it took everything in your body to not tackle him. right then and there, and just completely claw at his body for how he’s left you. the man that promised you, a forever and together.

then, you saw it, in the flashing lights for a moment. eyebags, eyebags so bad you’d know he’d only get from the lack of sleep, they were different that others, y’know? the kind that only form when something truly keeps you up at night. if you stared a little harder, you noticed too that his eyes were puffy, and he seemed.. frail.

you let in a deep inhale, and patted the sides of your thigh where your arms rest to comfort you into not lashing out at him, “five minutes, you have, five. fucking minutes. bill.” as you grab his hand and lead him into the washroom.

locking the door, you push him onto the toilet and stand in front of him, feeling a little guilty for the wince he let out from how you’ve manhandled him, “speak. and use your words fucking wisely because i did not want to spend my night talking to the man who broke me, kaulitz.”

and it was the way you said his last name. the way that your voice held so much sorrow and angst from how much he broke you. in an attempts to not sound shaky, you croak while speaking to him. but how could you not? just seeing his stupid fucking face just makes you want to crumble down, as all the flashing memories of your life together came together in a timeline as you saw him.

“i—fuck y/n, i’m lost without you.. i don’t know what i can do to get you to believe that i can make us work together, it was stupid of me to break our vow.”

“yeah, it was.”

“but, but now, i want us to work. and i don’t want to give up. i did that once and—well, i’m here now. i’m here in front of you because it was the wrong choice. please, schatzi.. give us another chance.”

“no! no—don’t you fucking call me that because you don’t get the right.”

he frowned, and it hurt to see him sad. but he had to understand, that you were sad to. and he thought that maybe, maybe by him letting you let out all the anger that you’ve held against him for the past few weeks, will allow you to forgive him. for him to yours once more.

“i gave you my heart. my fucking soul. i gave you my everything and then you up and left.. how could you!? how could you do this to me.. it’s your fault.. it’s all your fault. and now, i don’t feel as if i could ever love anyone or myself as much as i loved you bill.”

“i..i still think your my person, y/n. and i’m hoping, that i can become yours again.”

he reaches out and arm to hold your body within his, he yearned for that caress that you’d always done for him. just to be held in your arms once again, like old times. but you slap away his hand, “get away from me,” you hissed. you unlock the door and look back at the pitiful figure that sat still on the toilet seat, music somehow blaring into the small space that only encompassed the two of you. you stare at him, completely lost and unknowing of what you want to do.

“your five minutes is up, goodbye bill.” slamming the door behind you as you left bill, who notices the tears that began to fall and stain the fabric of his jeans.

i think this was so shit

no ending of them tgt cuz im evil :p would write a p2 but im also so lazy and have so many reqs , bare w me

#tokio hotel #tokio hotel x y/n #tokio hotel x you #tokio hotel x reader #tokio hotel angst #bill kaulitz #bill kaulitz x y/n #bill kaulitz x you #bill kaulitz x reader #bill kaulitz angst #2000s #fyp #billskeis

[closetsof-backlogged-dreams]

what would’ve happened if azula was the one who had an iroh and zuko stayed back? (their characters and personalities would be the exact same as in canon, but their roles would be reversed)

love u<33

TAKING A BREAK FROM STUDYING = azula breakdown time <333

im ngl, we're prob gonna be looking at a longer post today bc this is a lot to breakdown😭 so buckle up chickies we're going IN

THINGS WE HAVE TO COVER IN THIS ANALYSIS:

how Zuko leaving did affect Azula

how being forced to leave did affect Zuko

how being forced to leave would effect Azula

how Azula leaving would effect Zuko

how Iroh's effect on Zuko would translate to Azula

the literal changes this would have had on canon

so let's get into it!!

Zuko leaving and it's effect on Azula

So, we know Azula has a problem with abandonment, starting with her mother and ending with Zuko. To try and keep this as short and readable as possible, I'm just going to say that this obviously resulted in a constant need for control over the people she loves, very obviously shown in her relationships with Mai and Ty Lee and even Zuko in season three.

She also just has a very convoluted perception of love (obligatory azula love-fear-control analysis plug), that largely stems from never having it readily accessible to her. Now, even when Zuko was around, they never had a good relationship and she was always his tormenter, but what if they had reconciled? What if they had been able to heal that broken relationship? We'll never know if that could have been a possibility, but Zuko leaving ensured all true familial had been removed from her life.

How being forced to leave affected Zuko

We all know that being forced to leave his home and his family had a huge impact on Zuko as a person. It made him rash, angry, and determined to find the Avatar so he could return home at the cost of anything—even his own life.

Iroh became his anchor, guiding him through the worst of his turmoil and always steering him in the right direction. Iroh kept him human, and stopped him from killing himself trying to capture Aang.

Pre-banishment, we did still see that Zuko was snippy, and still had a temper that could be brought out at times. But post-banishment, all his childhood sweetness was abandoned. Anger became his default setting and his source of power. He was definitely struggling with at least some level of self-resentment and a simultaneous lack of confidence (never being good enough) and over-confidence (required to believe that he could find a man that had eluded the world for a hundred years)

Overall, his banishment made him fueled by anger and constantly at war with himself

How being forced to leave would affect Azula

Azula is a very validation-motivated creature. She has to be perfect, at all times, at all costs. There is never a misstep with her, never a miscalculation. So much as a negative word from her father could destroy her and push her off the edge.

So, imagine this girl, this super-perfectionist, messing up so badly that she is banished from her entire nation? Her father disapproves so much that he disowns her and threatens death in the event that she ever came back?

In the (honestly unlikely) event that she doesn't immediately kill him/overthrow him or try to harm herself in any way, and follows Zuko's storyline of leaving to find the Avatar... yikes. However angry and obsessed Zuko became with finding the Avatar, Azula would be a hundred times worse. The psychological breakdown she had at the end of the show? Yep, that.

She would tear through research and the entire world, leaving death and destruction in her wake. She would become a monster. (Of course, having a support system like Iroh with her would help immensely, but we'll get to that in a bit.)

There is also the question of: would Mai and Ty Lee come with her? If we're following Zuko's banishment to a T, then she should be banished at age thirteen, around a year before we meet her in canon. I'm not going to lie, that's a whole other analysis in and of itself, so maybe I can do a separate post on that later?? Send me an ask if you're interested😭😭

How Azula leaving would affect Zuko

There are two things we have to remember here: despite being the oldest sibling, Azula was always the favorite and most accomplished of the two. He was always ridiculed and looked down on due to being so far behind his sister, in raw power and cunning both.

But at the same time, this means that all the pressure to succeed was put on Azula's shoulders. It's why she became such a perfectionist. She always was perfect, so now she had to perfect enough for both of them. Now, where Zuko had been mostly given up on, they would be pushing for him to step up as heir and become the perfect one.

This is a pressure he's never had to experience before. Azula was the way she was for a reason—she became a perfectionist because of that pressure, and Zuko would probably become the same way.

Of course, I still think he would keep his sympathy and genuine humanity that Azula often lacked, but he would be forced to push it down most of the time. Where he had been grounded by Iroh in the show? Gone. He would have absolutely no one to turn to, absolutely no one to support him. If we're sticking to canon, maybe he would have Mai, but that's where it stops. And he would probably be the over-controlling POS he was in the first half of season three, maybe even worse.

Overall, Azula being banished would absolutely destroy Zuko, and probably push him to that same psychological brink Azula was teetering on the entire series. It wouldn't be pretty, that's for sure.

Zuko & Iroh -> translated for Azula & a mother figure

Okay, in order to fully answer this question, we have to take note of all the things that made Iroh and Zuko work:

Iroh losing his own son, and Zuko filling that cavity in his life

Zuko having an abusive father and Iroh becoming his father figure

Zuko needing and Iroh being an anchor in Zuko's life to keep him human

Zuko being given up on his entire childhood and Iroh being the first person with genuine faith in him and willing to help him

So, let's translate these things into Azula, and a hypothetical mother figure (disclaimer!! no hate to Ursa; this is just all from Azula's perspective and how she views her relationship w her mother <3):

Azula's mother figure potentially having once had a daughter that she was too hard on/did not treat well and wanting the chance to do right with Azula

Azula having a mother that believed she was a monster, and her mother figure reassuring her that she is human and does have the capacity for good

this mother figure also being an anchor in Azula's life, and saving her from absolutely destroying the world trying to go home

Azula being forced to be perfect her entire childhood and her mother figure being the first person to genuinely help her and allow her the space to make mistakes and reassuring her that it was okay

(Okay, not gonna lie here, this idea of a mother figure for Azula is really getting to me—the urge to write a fic I'll never finish is STRONG)

Overall, a mother figure that would support Azula and genuinely care for her would have had a colossal effect on her. I really believe that Azula would have been able to have a happy ending. idk this is really getting to me😭

AND FINALLY:

the literal changes this would have on canon

For one, I genuinely think Azula would have succeeded. Azula has always been a prodigy, and while Zuko was able to become powerful with the guidance of Iroh, Azula started out that way. I also think that while Azula's mother figure may have been able to steady her and keep her from the brink, she never would have been able to quell Azula's ambition. Her ambition is just too much a part of her, the same way Iroh was never able to quell Zuko's fury.

Also, Zuko did have Aang a few times! But he also had the sympathy to let him go, or was just not powerful to stop him from getting away. Azula was different. Genuinely nothing could of stopped her from capturing season one, inexperienced, little kid Aang. It may have taken a few shots, but she would have done it.

I really think Azula would have succeeded and returned home as a new woman, with the support of her mother figure, and now with the capacity to genuinely love people (at least to some degree.) I think Azula and Zuko would have been able to repair their broken relationship. Azula would have become Firelord with Zuko as her advisor, and the Fire Nation would have reigned in a new era. The Fire Nation also most likely would have been successful in conquering the world, now.

So, happy ending for Zuko and Azula and most of the Fire Nation, but... no one else lol.

wow! this was actually such a fun idea to play with. probably one of my favorite asks you've ever sent me<3 i love u sm we are unstoppable

#new backlogged-elegies collab just dropped??? no fucking way #also lowkey the tyzula potential here....... could go so hard. what #atla meta #atla analysis #atla #fire hazard siblings #atla azula #azula #zuko #atla zuko #fire lord azula #atla au #avatar the last airbender

[mwagneto]

why is everyone suddenly jackdoctor posting. like i'm not complaining i've just been indescribably sick over that entire storyline for years so it's funny to see it picking up steam again

#UTOPIA IS UP NEXT IN MY REWATCH BRO I WILL LITERALLY DIE 😅 #and i keep seeing that utopia clip someone posted that i still can't hit play on like oh my GODD you want me to die #the way it's like. already batshit crazy if you just watch dr who but then here i am having #consumed literally hundreds of hours of extra content and soso deeply ill #YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.... HHNNHNYJTNJFHFHFHFHDHB #so glad i get to force THREE of my friends to watch t.orchwood with me coz I #never got to talk abt it before and now I'll finally be unleashed. lordddddd #like ohhmy god it's not even like... like i dont SHIP them i dont think i ship anything in dw #but what an incredible story especially after you get All of jack's side of it. hough #i should whip up a list or a watching/listening order or something the catalogue of dweu in #my head has to be of SOME use other than making 3 specific ppl sit through it with me.... #doctor who #jackdoctor #jack harkness #trying to start a tagging system for dw after 7 years on tumblr is gonna bite me in the ass

[tomfrogisblue]

I have finally finished O Segredo Na Floresta.

I have cried more than I thought possible.

And I fear I shall never be the same.

#i have discovered that however bad quarentena was - cellbit has tons more angst material ready to unleash when least expected #it was so so so good but my god - i have never felt more empty #you ever see a piece of media and think yeh this is gonna change the way i view certain things forever - yep. #but now i enter the ordem episodes that arent captioned and only have the youtube autotranslate - the final boss for my portuguese knowledge #cellbit #ordem paranormal #this post is sort of my proof to myself when i actually finished the bastard - this season was three billion years long i swear #and still so long to go #cellbit will continue to stab my emotions for many more hours to come!!! #it is very late at night and i am very sad. TIME TO START THE NEXT ONE :D #o segredo na floresta #enigma do medo #bro i need to yell at someone about the last like hour of the damn thing because i have many things to say. or maybe just cry some more #at least my portuguese is much better now lmao. I'll get to a point where i can just listen to an episode with no subtitles if it kills me!! #hopefully cellbit will be back on the qsmp soon to rip my heart out with a cute lil cubito delivering heart wrenching angst for some variety #qsmp #ok sleep time lmao

[quodekash]

im rewatching the no one else like me music video bc the brainworms are writhing, and it keeps randomly hitting me, over and over again, that 

a) those flashbacks happened. they HAPPENED. soundwin actually DID THAT, in ACTUAL CANON?? THEY CANONICALLY ARE IN LOVE WHY DO THEY KILL ME SO MUCH 

b) SOUNDWIN ARE FREAKING BOYFRIENDS NOW????? 

c) NEXT EPISODE IS THE LAST EPISODE????????? 

idk how the flip im supposed to survive without this silly little band every single week 

surely theyll renew it for a second season 

or just a soundwin spinoff pls 

so many of us have asked for it I NEED IT OH MY GOSH 

like. this show has killed me twelve times over. but without the show, i think i might literally cease to exist. i know ive said it a lot, but i genuinely dont know how the flip im gonna get through life without new canonical soundwin content filling my screen and brain every single friday night / saturday morning 

(and literally while i was typing this out, captain posted this 

HE FREAKING GETS IT BRO) 

#sorry this post is a mess i just genuinely dont know what to do with myself #how the flip is it already nearly over #in the past ive been glad for time passing quickly bc IT FEELS LIKE LAST EPISODE JUST CAME OUT AND THE NEXT ONE IS IN TWO DAYS #but now i just want time to slow down please #not just cos the last three years have gone way too fast and i still feel like im five years younger than i am #and not just cos im still trying to process 2020 and its literally nearly march of 20freaking23 #but also cos the show like. just started. and now its gonna be freaking OVER in THREE DAYS??? #it genuinely doesnt make sense in my mind and it physically hurts to think about and i cant process it and im so scared for it to be over #this is my comfort show. comfort characters. comfort actors. comfort ship. #im never gonna feel comfort again when its gone #(thats a lie ill find a new hyperfixation and then ill be fine BUT between hyperfixations is always pure hell) #soundwin #winsound #satangwinny #winnysatang #my school president #my school president the series #no one else like me #help im not okay

[your-turn-to-role]

been working my way through the lovm s2 q&as that are on youtube

and like! love them as always, the cast is great, great to hear them talk about this stuff

but also. i took like a year ish hiatus from this fandom before tlovm pulled me back in, and in that time i, among other things, finished my theatre degree

and god does this hit different when you're a week out from the professional opening of an original musical you wrote with like 7 other people, and are also not just a performer in but the music director of

#my life for the last week has literally been rehearsal/choreo practice/typing up sheet music/watching cr/sleep that's it #and like it's great and i love it #but also we've hit the crunch time of every creative project where you have to just start murdering your babies #which is also why im never gonna be mad at the cr cast for places where the show didn't live up to the campaign #because nothing is ever finished to its ideal form #and i was leading band rehearsal last night just watching as parts of this show i poured my soul into get cut for time #and it's gotta happen! but god that is just The Mood right now #though on a lighter note just all the talk of going back on this or that or letting the creative people you hire do their jobs #also something i've been really enjoying the past few months #our live band is awesome and it's great seeing what they do to my songs #but yeah im just here watching and every aspect of this fucking show is flashing before my eyes #hey remember three years ago when the extent of my ability was making up that recreation of yasha playing her harp? #yeah i write for musical theatre now #how the turntables and all that

[sureuncertainty]

hopefully it's just tonight but i haven't written at all in the last couple of days and i tried again tonight and it didn't work AGAIN i just can't get myself to write idk sometimes i really feel like the sequel to silence agenda is literally never ever going to actually get written and there's no point in even trying

#like i go thru phases where i'm all excited about it and they never last and i NEVER fucking finish anything with it #like literally ever #i have started to write this novel literally like 4 or 5 times now at this point? #and i can't get it done ever #since 2020 i've been working on it for almost three years #i've been making steady progress on tmtou i literally rewrite silence agenda like every fucking year #and yet i fucking can't get this story written #and idk how much of the problem is me how much of the problem is US and how much of the problem is my motivation levels and stuff #idk idk i think i'm just In It tonight and i'll probably feel differently later #it goes in these cycles #but idk man for awhile i was REALLY CONVINCED that this was gonna be the Time that i actually got this book written #i have the story! i have it! i just need to make it! and idk how!!! #i try and then a week later i can't #and my brain is hyperfixating on other things (idk why i decided to reread aftg) so i just Can't #and i do wanna get silence agenda published soon so i wanna focus on that #but i feel like i can't deliver on this sequel i feel like i can't even write it #idk i've never spent THIS LONG and gotten THIS MANY DRAFTS out of a book without being even like. close to the halfway point #i should finish it! i want to! i want to want to! but i fucking CAN'T #part of it is me part of it is the fact that it's hard to write when kat's not around and she hasn't been lately #idk i really thought i was gonna be able to do it this time. but apparently not #idk when i'll learn #that i can't write this fucking book #win rambles

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

if anyone needs me i will be rewatching trigun 98 and tristamp over and over until my brain explodes

#had a bad time in therapy today sigh #first time i cried in front of the new therapist wooooooooo #and we havent even started talking about the painful stuff yet. how tf am i gonna handle that #(spoiler: im not <3 we dont have to talk abt it if i never bring it up) #also being. slammed with nostalgia (/neg) and i cannot get rid of it and it fucking sucks #got a. bad taste in my mouth. from like. everything rn #anyway. if anyone needs me i will be bolting myself into a shitty tin can and sending myself to the bottom of the sea. #not to see the titanic bc im not dumb and full of hubris. but just like. in general #im down there now. i want to fucking explode #sorry bad joke <3 i wanna kms so bad. i wanna wake up tomorrow and be in a universe that is Not This One #aaughrggghrghr. im angry and j dont know what im angry at . i wanna. fling myself into space #so instead i will watch trigun and if i start posting about max in the next day or so well can you blame me. #i hope someone draws him for artfight. specifically. hes rlly cool #i have his page uploaded already but im sooooo bad at making descriptions #oh fuck i also learned how to fucking tag things on artfight now omg. i didnt know that was a thing. #how did i do three years of this shit and not TAG anything. what the fuck #anyway. wish i was a guy covered in blood rn. maybe i should watch hannibal instead #is it time to bring out ol reliable and watch the stab scene from mizumono on a loop again #and perhaps i will listen to sodikken misery meat and people eater. idk. spice it up a little #girls when they say they want to be held: screenshot of the way hannibal holds wills face before gutting him like a fish #im feeling rlly normal rn if you cant tell

[laylanatorseventeen]

What in the chicken fried fuck. I've recently been having a problem where the upper inner thigh of my pants/shorts keep wearing out, with holes from my thighs rubbing together. Idk why it suddenly started when I've actually LOST weight in the last month or so and my thighs definitely haven't gotten any bigger but it's just now started. And anyway idk what the FUCK happened but I put on this pair of pants today at 6 pm and they were perfectly intact. It is now 2:30 am and THE ENTIRE LEFT UPPER THIGH IS NOW A BIG ASS HOLE. AND THE OTHER SIDE HAS A BUNCH OF LITTLE HOLES. THIS HAPPENED IN LESS THAN NINE HOURS. IM JUST WALKING. WHAT THE FUUUUUCK

#im gonna have to buy sturdier pants i guess :/ #BUT LIKE I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH HOW WEIRD IT IS THAT THIS JUST STARTED. I HAVE HAD BIG ASS THIGHS EVER SINCE I WAS THIRTEEN #and the rapid thigh rubbing IS ONLY NOW HAPPENING #admittedly i wear cheap pants but ive worn these pants for three years and this has NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE #weight mention

[crossbackpoke-check]

do u ever speak too soon & immediately regret it.

#yes this is about the trade that just happened three minutes ago #clown shoes of prophecy in the tumblr tags #no i am not Doing Well #I THOUGHT I WAS GODDAMN SAFE FROM THE BRUINS #to be deleted but i am literally resisting the urge to screech like a feral animal in the gym right now i am being soooooo normal #WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME PERSONALLY SPECIFICALLY I’M GOING TO CRY INTO A HOLE I CAN’T DO THIS NARRATIVE IT’S ONLY DYLAN LEFT YOU TOOK HIM #i have to pretend to be normal :) i have to take an exam :) and function as a human being :) instead of crouching like a bug on the floor #and then i will come home and open up the notes app i made two (?) years ago that says ‘if tyler bertuzzi ever gets traded it’s-’ #& everyone will be suffering with me. sorry not sorry for the influx of sad bertuzzi posts that are coming like i have Such a relationship #with him as a player &i know he’s the worst but also it really sucks to watch every guy you thought was the core of ur team get traded away #purely narratively speaking in all bemoaning etc etc etc except for the part where we don’t have a gritty net front presence now & #who’s gonna be larks & lucas’ winger & i just cried about tyler in a fight the other day because mickey said ‘i’m sure he wants to protect #those hands but sometimes you can’t you gotta do it for the boys’ & i think mickey said ‘they’ as in the team wants him to not hurt his hand #again but he has to fight & if that isn’t also v much a part of the old gods detroit it was always tyler champion of blood & guts & giving #& regardless of hockey (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT WAS FOR DRAFT PICKS I HATE DRAFT PICKS WHAT ARE U GONNA DO WITH THOSE like at least if #it’s for a guy i could maybe learn to love him but you never remember who you traded to get those draft picks unless it’s narratively r #relevant later but right now it feels like it’s for nothing & i don’t want to learn to love some new guy in five years i miss tyler already) #anyway. ik full well this won’t cause me to actually finish tyler borzoituzzi bc i haven’t even properly started it but i can dream of spite

[ikyw-t]

this is a moodboard for how my brain has been feeling the past couple weeks. yes i spent like 10 minutes organizing these pictures if that tells u anything about how im feeling

#not that anyone asked but it's bc my adderall rx changed a month ago from extended release to short release #bc the extended release was making me feel super anxious in the afternoon when it would start to wear off #which is obviously counterproductive and i am already anxiety-inclined if that's even a phrase #so ive been on the short release version of adderall for the last month and overall it was going a lot better #the anxiety in the afternoon pretty much disappeared which was nice #the past like three weeks tho ive been dealing with being unable to stop picking at my skin and cuticles too #which is something ive struggled with since middle school in various degrees and tho it was getting better in the past couple years #ive never struggled with it LESS than i have since starting adderall in like march. and my god. what a joy and relief that was #so now that it's started happening again it's honestly pretty upsetting bc it's kinda physically painful and also just rly embarrassing #like i dont even have that bad acne probably but being unable to stop picking at it makes it like ten times worse #like i haven't had acne on my back in like three years since i finished taking accutane #and in the past three weeks i have but it's rly only bc i can't stop scratching at it and so there's gonna be scarring too #it's just very embarrassing and also disappointing nd disheartening since i was finally able to NOT have to deal with this for a few months #it's appalling and upsetting to realize that this was just my life for like a decade before i got treatment for adhd #and once i did it a lot of my impulsive and unconscious skin picking pretty much disappeared. #like damn bro the amount of times my mom and everyone in my family told me how nice my skin would be if i could just leave it alone. yeah. #anyway. im gonna talk to the doctor about this next month when i get my refill obviously bc i am not having a good time #even tho this was working rly great for the first three weeks. like whyyyy can't medicine just work. whyyy #anywayyyy if u read all this no u didnt bc it's embarrassing for me lol #i just felt the need to talk about it cause it's been upsetting me today

[innocent-until-proven-geeky]

.

#vent post #been doin some research and think i have borderline personality disorder #would explain a lot abt how relationships work in my brain #could of course also be any one of the other half dozen brain things i got goin on #but i'm gonna talk to jeff the therapist abt bpd and see what he says #in the meantime i am in spain without the s emotionally :))) #like it's so bad i'm having physical reactions and near panic attacks abt things which. is not great! #i want to cry and sleep all the time right now bc i'm. well #been writing abt it in my Everything Sucks journal which i apparently started like two or three years ago and never wrote in #after the first entry where i declared it the “everything sucks” journal?? #it's a specific separate journal because i'm going to burn it when it's full. it's Symbolic tm #venting in the tags on a . post on tumblr also helps though #hurts my hands less but still screaming into the void and on the off chance someone sees and reads the tags... maybe i get a virtual hug or #or positive vibes or soemthing #something #think i'm gonna go have another good cry right about now

[fishyartist]

new day resolution TALK TO PEOPLE!!!!

#im an ambivert in that im always tired and can never figure out why #like i will assume im tired because i capped out my human interaction somehow after talking to literally no one for three days #then wonder why im sad!! its silly!!!! #anyways #im also shy <3 #personal #<- im probably gonna do more self-reflecting posts like this so if u wanna mute feel free! #feel free 2 rb or w/e if u want btw. i know how to turn off rbs if i wasnt chill w that ^u^ #if u have any tips for the worlds silliest fish (moi) feel free 2 offer input. #i have wonderful friends+mutuals im just bad at being a human sometimes #especially w online social stuff #tumblr seems better for these personal rambles then twitter. #something about twitter makes going fully pessimist really easy which blows #u know what i've been slipping on my positivity goal recently... ! #idk if i remembered to mention it anywhere? basically im trying to think self deprecating shit less. bad habbit #ive been doing pretty good this year until october (had a shit temp job lol) #but! its ok! #gonna have a good weekend so i'll start that up again #ok it 3 am now i take a snooze

[bjurnberg]

My work boots are the most expensive shoes I’ve ever owned.

Also the most comfortable. I chose them after trying on several different brands and comparing lifespan vs usage vs comfort - I needed them for a physically demanding job, not the weekend hiking trails. I could have easily chosen cheaper boots that would have lasted long enough to be worth their low price, but I know the Sam Vimes Boot Theory and knew weaker, less comfortable boots would make my life harder in the long run.

So when the outside edge of the heel started wearing down after three years of heavy use I went to the shop I got them from and said “hey this is a common problem for me with how I walk but now it’s affecting my ankles and knees and I don’t wanna have to buy a new pair, is there a way to fix this?”

The salesman at this very fancy upscale boot store said “oh yeah, there’s a shoe repair place that can give you some heel guards - it’ll keep the rubber from wearing out.”

So at 8am this morning right after my 9hr shift ends I went to the shoe repair shop and it is the most hole-in-the-wall, is-this-a-real-business-or-a-mafia-front, am-I-gonna-get-shot tiny cinder block cube I’ve ever seen in my life. I grew up plenty poor and love me a good hole-in-the-wall business, but going from upscale store to this cash-only repair shop gave me whiplash. Wasn’t expecting this when a guy who wears three piece suits to sell boots said it’s the best place to go.

The skinny kid behind the counter looks somehow 16 and 25 at the same time, but when I tell him this place was recommended he smiles and says to hand over my boots. I hand him the vaguely warm foot-smelling boots, and stand in my socks in the 3’ square entryway surrounded by every color leather polish you could buy and watch as he turns my boots around in his hands, sizes up a crescent moon bits of plastic, and unceremoniously hammers tiny nails through them before handing them back.

The heels are perfectly level again. I can walk without almost rolling my ankles. They don’t clack loudly on the pavement or feel different. This is gonna fix my knee pain. It cost $10.

This kid had every tool he needed within arms reach, worked fast and smoothly, I was in and out the door in less than 8 minutes, and it only cost $10.

I didn’t think anything could cost only $10 anymore. I’m so used to hyperinflation prices I was spiritually thrown back to the 1400’s visiting the cobbler in town square. This kid might have been that cobbler and just decided to never die.

I’m still reeling from the whiplash, and gobsmacked at the price, and thrilled I didn’t have to go buy new, worse work boots (cuz I don’t have that kind of money for a second pair, I’m expecting these ones to last a decade) and it feels like I just experienced one of the rare little chunks of magic that floats around our world.

#shoe repair #cobbler magic #good work boots are a necessary part of life #and finding a cobbler I can take other shoes to is gonna change my life #I love craftsmen #bjurnberg

[gentlethorns]

moving this week 😟 ahhhhh

#she bork #tbd #lmfao this has been a LONG LONG LONG. LONG. time coming. i'm nervous lol and idk why bc our new apartment is really nice? idk ig it's just #bc it's a new place and i'm leaving the house i've lived in for four years and also now i'm gonna have to like really truly pay rent when i #haven't been paying for like three years bc my grandparents started paying my rent in 2020 and never stopped lol. idk i'll be fine and it #worked out to our advantage in like every way so i need to chill out

[suguae]

Haunted

Toji cannot move on, until he realized too late.

Warnings: Angst, slightest fluff (reader and baby 'gumi moment)

You were just a girl, standing in front of a man, asking him to love you.

How hard was that for him? Yes, he wasn’t good with his words but he wasn’t good at anything else either. He was just there.

Maybe because the woman he truly loved—he was still mourning over her. His sad eyes every time he watched an old couple dance together, wishing he had been doing that but with her. The cute babies babble with their mothers as Megumi babbles with his father, how he wished his wife was still here instead of you. He never said it, but that’s what it felt like. 

And perhaps that's what it was. 

Sometimes he curses himself out when he accidentally calls you his wife's name. During intimate times only. You tried—trying to keep the emotions in as if it wasn’t breaking every part of you, was the hardest part. “Look he’s walking...” You smiled at the dark haired baby who was walking towards you. Toji smiled, making sure he’d record every second of it; deep down he wished his wife was the one the baby was walking towards instead of you.

And it was wrong—so wrong. 

“This relationship, I’m with you but Toji—Toji this is the loneliest I’ve ever felt.” You whispered while he ate his leftovers, his brows still furrowed from the argument occurring earlier. Having Toji work from 9–5 wasn’t the best but good thing he had you, helping him out with so much. Picking up groceries, picking up his lovely son—until you mentioned that one of his teachers mistaken you as his biological mother. That right there was enough to make Toji angry for weeks at least.

But not this time.

He stopped chewing on his food after you spoke, waiting for more of an explanation. Which you figured he needed, “I don’t think you’re in love with me–” 

“I like you [name], a lot.” He cleared his throat. He leaned back on his chair as his arms crossed waiting for you to continue the sentence he interrupted. 

Right, he liked you a lot. These three rough years you’ve been dating Toji—that particular l word was never uttered once, not even if he was drunk, or having a special moment with you. You huffed trying to find the right words for Toji to understand. That was until little Megumi started crying from his room. “I’ll try to put him back to sleep, finish eating.” He watched as your fragile little body sulked its way to Megumi’s room.

He knew this was gonna happen, he knew you were bound to leave him sooner or later. 

You smiled as you opened the door to see the little Megumi standing on top of his little bed. His hands wiping his tears as he ran towards you, his arms now wrapping around your legs. “Sleep with mama and papa.” He cried out as you leaned down to pick up the little boy. “[name] and papa, not mama okay?” You corrected him, if Toji were to find out that he had been calling you that, then that argument would’ve climaxed.

The little boy nodded, his tears now gone as you swayed him around. “Sleep with you.” He mumbled, leaning his head on your shoulder as he played with a strand of your hair. “Just for tonight.” You whispered, watching Megumi pick up his head and smile. Content with your answer. 

Toji’s heart could just swell at the sight. You treated his son as if he was your own and nothing looked so much better right now, except for the fact that he wished it was his wife.

Megumi was now soundly sleeping between you and Toji, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” His eyes shut tightly hearing those piercing words leave your mouth. It hurt when his wife left him, but this hurt was different—different because he knew it was coming yet he didn’t want to do anything about it. 

“I’m sorry—”

“You don’t need to be the one apologizing.” He watched your soft gaze stare at completely nothing. He was confused, this was his fault. He never treated you how you needed deserved to be treated. “It was my fault for throwing myself at a man who simply was not ready.”

The next morning was silent—baby ‘gumi was confused at the saddened look on your face. Constantly walking up to you asking if you were okay. He was still just a baby, yet he read the room so well. “I’m sure we can work this out—” Toji now sitting next to you on the couch, some cartoon playing in the back as Megumi’s little head sat on your lap. “You’re not ready, Toji.” You nodded, eyes still glued on the tv as if it was meant for you and not the little Megumi. 

“And how are you so sure—”

“Tell me you love me then.” Your eyes are now fixed on Toji’s. It was hard, he felt as if his mouth had been glued shut. You sigh, bringing your gaze back to the tv, “I love you—but it’s hard when it’s one sided Toji.” 

It hurt much more, seeing you drive away as the clueless Megumi waved you out. Poor thing thinks you’re simply going to the store. The house that once felt like home was so dull now. Toji sat little ‘gumi down on the couch. 

His constant, “mama?” or “[name]?” while he kept his gaze on the door every so often. Nothing prepared Toji for this. Megumi cried that he wanted to sleep with his mama and papa, his heart swelled knowing that he had been talking about you.

You were gone, just like his wife. But it hurt—it hurt so much more knowing that you’re alive trying your best to…move on. He stayed up late that same night, stumbling upon a video from two years ago. When Megumi first learned how to walk. You and Toji had just started dating but the look of happiness plastered your face as you watched the little baby walking. 

That was one thing Toji never forgot about, how much you loved kids. Telling him how once you had kids of your own you would finally be able to live in peace. How he heard of it less and less as the years went on, he wonders if you still think that.

next part ->

#jjk #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x y/n #angst #jjk angst #jjk toji #toji fushiguro #toji x reader #toji x you #toji zenin #jujutsu toji #toji fushiguro angst #toji fushigro x reader #jjk x you #jjk drabbles #rosipuree