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chiro-asuta-vulpes · 2 years

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Sleepless Nights and Broken heart--🥀💔

Greetings everyone my apologies for not being active for the pass days and stuffs because i have been stressed and overwhelmed, with school works and stuffs.

Although---today well things are rough for me---firstly, my heart is shattered---....second im broken, third i cried for hours, fourth-----i was badly drunk and very dizzy, fifth i fallen asleep immediately trying my best to forget the pain----but its still there.....I fall asleep at 7 and woke up at 10 i thought it was already day time but its night time in my side, I fallen asleep again, then woke up again------

-----i still cant sleep, i been pacing and thinking---......and crying again. Hugging myself, thinking, thinking and thinking--struggling

Too sad to draw---- hnngghhh---too much pain--Can't endure---anymore pain---hngghhh----

Although..Did a lil rough sketch of Sunny and Moony comforting Snowy...---🥀--too hurt to draw---It will take awhile until I feel better---...I'm sorry guys

#jane rants and emotional breakdown #idk why im feeling this way #why it have to be this painful #no more pain pls #stress rant #overwhelmed #broken #heart shattered #drawsomething #for comfort #rough draft #ibis paint drawing #too sad to draw #crying rn #my oc and not my oc #comfort characters

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nat20composure · 4 months

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Astarion and Agency- The Necessity of Discomfort to Self Discovery and the Infantilization of Victims

Minor Astarion discourse ahead that mentions the treatment of SA victims post-abuse:

I want to open this post up just with like. The statement that I don't think there is a correct way to enjoy media and that I LOVE to see individual head cannons and takes on characters in media. I think that is also, to a degree, an integral part of video games because of how unique the experience of playing a game will be to every person who plays it. But it has been making me feel so incredibly sad looking through fan content, art, or discourse for BG3 specifically because of how many people have taken the route of infantilizing Astarion.

I understand the instinct to shield or protect an individual that you love and care for. I also understand that because of the nature of the things that Astarion goes through, a lot of people also feel very deep emotional stakes in him. I'm one of the many fans of the character who is a victim of SA and CSA, I really do get it. That is also why for me personally it is so demoralizing to watch so many people treat him like he is a child who cannot make his own decisions or stand up for himself. Part of that frustration stems from it feeling like a media literacy issue, and the other part of that sense of defeat is just because it feels indicative of a broader attitude that people seem to hold towards victims of abuse, particularly those who are victims of SA.

To explain what I mean by people infantilizing him: I see so many people refuse to allow him the opportunity to be hurt, or to feel uncomfortable. They see this character who has been through an immensely horrible and traumatic experience, and their instinct is to try and shield him from anything else that has the potential to upset him. I get that the people who want that aren't doing it with malicious intent, but frankly it is not really...Helpful? To try and prevent victims from Experiencing Discomfort tm. I also think it kind of disregards the entire thesis of Astarion's character and arc.

When you go through something that robs you of your selfhood and agency, the world can become a crushingly terrifying place. In Astarion, that fear presents itself in a desperation for power, control, and at the core of both of these desires- Safety. One thing the game is clear about is that he has a right to kill his abuser. He has a right to escape his situation. A lot of Astarion's personal arc is centered around being able to finally do that. But the game doesn't just leave it off at getting him to safety. So much of it is also about him needing to take responsibility for himself and his actions, with needing to learn who he as a person is.

The inclusion of the Gur children and Sebastian as characters is a good example of ways in which the game gives Astarion the opportunity to take responsibility. I think that if the intention of the arc was meant to be that "Astarion should never ever have to deal with being afraid or uncomfortable again", then the Ascended arc wouldn't Come with such heavy moral ramifications, like sacrificing the other people just like him, killing the victims he lured in, literal child murder. The game infers that he doesn't deserve to die because of the things he Needed to do to survive, but it also makes it very clear that there is a difference between addressing an Active Threat and using your fear as an excuse to hurt others. Breaking that cycle of abuse when he finally gets the chance to is what separates Spawn Astarion from Cazador.

Taking responsibility for himself, and letting himself sit in the discomfort of vulnerability ultimately ends up being a thing that he is very proud of and cherishes. If you tell him you will make sure nothing like that ever again he himself says that he doesn't want you to be his protector. And so it blows my mind when people go into all of these discussions about Astarion with this...Weird moral high ground for never, ever making or letting him make choices that might hurt him?

I see this the most when it comes to discussions about the possible polyamorous relationship with Halsin and the interaction with the drow twins in the brothel. So many people are just...outright angry? At other people engaging with either of those options? And I feel like that anger is one) rooted in the projection of their Own feelings on non-monogamy and what a victim of SA can or cannot look like. and two) Relies on undermining the agency that Astarion BEGS you for at every turn.

When it comes to the drow twins, the game adapts Astarion's response to them based on where he is in his own personal development (a really cool thing imo). Obviously, if he still doesn't feel good or safe about engaging with sex he declines and says you can feel free, though he hopes you aren't just doing it because he hasn't had sex with you. I think this makes sense: He's just gotten out of a situation where his Safety and worth were directly tied to him having sex. I imagine he feels afraid that not wanting to have sex with you makes him replaceable or inadequate because at this point in the game, he feels like that's all he has to offer. The interaction is relatively the same if you ask him for a poly amorous relationship with Halsin: He just asks you to reassure him that you aren't only doing it because he hasn't had sex with you, and then tells you he isn't worried about it otherwise.

A lot of people have taken the expression of that insecurity in combination with him still allowing you to go forward and do these things as him just "sucking it up" because he's afraid of losing you. (I am aware Shadowheart says he wouldn't be able to handle it when you ask her if you can date both of them- But keep in mind, Astarion says she wouldn't be able to either, and THAT obviously isn't true of her. For the purposes of this discussion I'm only including interactions with Astarion as a judgement of his character.) I understand that concern, but I feel this take disregards so many other points of dialogue, and is also continually rooted in the baseline vilification of discomfort.

To further go into it, the way that he speaks about both of these interactions changes significantly if you speak to him about it once he is completely free from Cazador, and has had time to allow himself to start reconnecting with himself and his sexuality on his terms. He has absolutely No reservations about an open or poly relationship with Halsin, and says he trusts that things will be ok because he one) feels secure in Your relationship and two) Knows Halsin is experienced and trusts him to not be a messy bitch about it.

I think that shift, in combination with the in game explanation of why he isn't ok with being in that sort of relationship with the other Origin Characters (for Lae'zel and Wyll, he says they'd never agree to that. For Shadowheart, he says she's not experienced with open relationships and that he doesn't think it'd work out. For Karlach, that it would break her heart. And for Gale, he says you need standards.) is a pretty good indicator that he doesn't actually care about polyamory or monogamy. I think the vilification of that choice relies on you picking and choosing when you do or do not believe Astarion or just outright not liking non-monogamy in the first place. This interaction has more to do with the player's choice and comfort level, and so is not as important to the broader discussion I am trying to have in this post.

The interaction that is more pertinent to not Allowing him to make decisions is, I think, the drow twins. If you interact with the drow twins after the completion of the Cazador questline, he is outright giddy at the prospect of interacting with the Drow twins. Specifically stating that he is excited to see how he likes these sorts of things now that he's free.

NOW- I do NOT think that he enjoys the act. The game makes that abundantly clear, and I'm not arguing that he has a great time. He obviously does not, and dissociates during it. That being said, allowing this interaction to happen does not make a player evil or selfish. You are not playing the hero if you decide to moderate his choices just because you do not think he is ready for it. Once again, no one is evil for Not doing it either, and I am not saying anybody has to want to. I am just saying that treating this choice like it is an evil choice to make relies on completely disregarding what He wants to do.

Astarion says so many times in the game that he is anxious about finally having the freedom to find out what he wants to do, and I think that his excitement for the drow twin exchange is one of the opportunities the game gives him to make a choice. He makes that choice- And it sucks for him. He doesn't enjoy the act, and having done it he would be able to move forward knowing that. I think it's really cool and important that the game represents that facet of recovering as a victim. While you are trying to renavigate who you are, you are going to make a million new choices you never had before. And sometimes those choices are going to suck ass. It would be a different matter if he knew these things would hurt him and went ahead and did them anyway. But so many people expect him to move forward avoiding even the Potential of being hurt, and I think that is extremely reductive of his arc and who he is.

Beyond the matter of interpersonal relationships, the choice between Ascending or not Ascending Astarion is not a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils. It is a choice between his fear and his humanity. Between letting his trauma and his fear define him for the rest of his immortal life, and allowing him the vulnerability of deciding who he is when he isn't running from the world. When he's willing to listen to the parts of himself that want to do right, that wants meaningful connection, that wants to be proud of himself. That wants to meet himself. To confront who he is when someone else isn't deciding that for him.

Astarion as a character is extremely ambitious, inquisitive, and adventurous, three traits that only become more and more evident as he breaks free from letting his own fear dictate how he lives his life. I don't understand how so many people can see him and want to take the core of his character away from him, when he spends the entire game fighting desperately to take it back.

Victims are not casts of the abuse they have gone through. Their shapes may be changed by the hands of others, they may have to relearn how to be the person they want to be. But they are not broken or irreparable or fragile. They do not need to be freed from the grip of one person to be held tight in the grip of another. It is so fucking unfair and self-important to think that your hands will be the ones that fix them. That your hands know better than theirs. I think the kindest thing you can do for a person is to trust them with themselves, and to listen when they tell you who they are and what they want. Please listen to the voices that have only just learned to speak. It is the only way they can get better at doing it.

#astarion #astarion bg3 #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion ancunin #I know this is kind of overdramatic #but like pls pls pls pls #ask yourself why you feel the need to protect victims from the experience of growth #and then consider if that attitude is a fair or helpful one #because freedom includes the right to make choices. even stupid painful ones.#that being said this essay is more for people who played the game exclusively making choices they thought would make astarion comfortable #like ascending him or not participating in polyamory #this essay is NOT for people who just ascended him for dom dialogue with him #bc I think it is a bit silly to tell people who wanted a toxic make him worse dynamic #that they are enabiling toxicity and making him worse #this is just an alternative pov for people who genuinely think it is for the best to do these things

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allonsy-miles · 27 days

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I just finished binge watching dead boy detectives…

Now I’m waiting for the wave of fanfics on AO3.

#dead boy detectives #charles rowland #edwin paine #pls hurry I might go insane without more of these two idiots

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socialbunny · 9 months

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Skip has always found a way to work through his problems and turn them around with relative ease, but the sudden death of his wife, Brandi, has brought his mostly carefreeness towards his children to a stand-still. With two freshly traumatized children and a newborn under his belt, can Skip juggle turning his shitty ass life around for his family, or will he crumble under the weight of his past mistakes?

Darleen hasn’t been the same since her husband, Darren, died, though she’d be quick to argue with you if you said anything of the sort. She’s FINE! She misses her husband, undoubtedly, but she’s not going to let that very, very, very tiny thing wreck her whole life, and she’s not going to let people give her grief about ANYTHING. Sure, she got fired from her job a few months back and hasn’t made any strides to find a new one, and she’s losing touch with her son as she goes and squanders all her responsibilities by partying and drinking on par with younger years, aaaaaaaaaaaaand the almost obsessive idealistic crush she’s developed on her neighbor is clouding the second half of her judgment, but she’s bounced back from worse and knows everything’s going to come up Darleen :) …………. hopefully

#POSTING THIS BC IVE HAD IT DONE FOR 2 MONTHS KINDA? i kept feeling uninspired andiffy abt it tho so it just made me not want to finish it #posting this before i change my mind i hate darleens desc but its the only one im rockin with at the same time #ANYWAYS BASE D ON A SEMI AU IDEA IVE BEEN THINKING OF. WTV. DUSITN AN DIRK WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE YOUNGER FOR THIS AU TO MAKE SENSE. but #idc it just for funsies #common skip and darleen l's tbh #i support my alcoholic delusional wife in these dire times.#💙#other names for these pics:#pls dont ask skip and darleen where their children r bc they dont kno #the painful ass crick darleens about tohave in her neck when she wakes up #skip doesnt know how to hold a baby apparently and its not bc there was something wrong with how i rigged him nooooooooo #gordon pls leave ppl alone and get a life #in my maxis dev 04 era the way these pics r so lazy #POTRAYING DARLEEN AS A GIRLFAILURE honestly. love fail darleen i need to do it more and show it more.#thats all if u read these tags i think ur in love with me and we should kiss

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crestomancer-art · 1 year

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(bonus: playing as 9S)

I'm extremely charmed every time 2B sits or lays down and 9S attentively watches over her 🥺💗💗💗

#pls no spoilers #I'm playing a2 right now so you can imagine my distress #but im still not at the end #and i hear theres even more pain RIP #nier 9s #nier 2b #nier automata #2b x 9s #update: i finished all the endings!!#wehhhhh what a game!!!!!#9s2b #2b9s

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tragedry · 1 month

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How do you think Tyler's personality could have been if he had less responsibility ( like if his father didn't die)?

he'd be a lot more carefree, more prone to teasing taylor and his friends and he'd be smiling a lot more too (but not those strained smiles that he's developed over the years to assure others especially his family, but the kind that lights his eyes up and makes him look stunning)

he'd still be responsible and trustworthy, but without the burden of failure, so others would definitely come to him if they need any kind of help or advice.

tyler would also be a lot more empathic and less closed off-- in his core, he's already been that way cause he's born in a loving family that taught him and his sister how to love and take care of each other, so without the grief and rage hanging onto his character, i can see him as a popular kid (not just cause he's in the baseball team, but because he's a kind and fiercely loyal friend who will always be there to love and protect those who he cares about!)

#ry.plies #asks #i got emotional answering this #the idea of a tyler who has not experienced grief and pain is so foreign to me and that fact makes it even more painful #he would've been so popular #he'd have everyone wanting his attention cause he's literally the best older brother and friend you could ever have pls #school bus graveyard #sbg #tyler hernandez #tyler sbg

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cherry-pop-elf · 3 months

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A Moment Of Peace

Morax x Chronic Pain Reader

Requested by Anon

You suffer from chronic pain, and that doesn’t help when you are in hell. You just wish to have a moments peace, and your designated nurse offers a idea

Warnings: 18+ ((gore wise)) talks of pain, chronic pain, gore, mental health, also it’s What In Hell Is Bad so is gonna be heavy in its sexual tones. NO ACTUAL SEX THO-!

Writing Commissions open

“Child of Solomon-?” You heard him knock, before entering the bedroom you were given. It wasn’t quite your speed, but it’s better than nothing. Very…..Red. Red and well….Yeah it’s a room Lucifer would give you. At least it was very comfy. Snuggled into a bed that was built for an orgy than a single person. Least it made it less suffocating, when you are trapped to lay there for hours at a time. All the free space to stretch, and make things work to exist.

“Come in, Morax.” You called, as you cuddled into one of the pillows. The stress of everything was finally catching up to you, and your body was suffering. Even in hell, you still could never find words to describe it. The aches, the burning, the existing. It’s hard, but Morax was the one demon that can grasp it. The designated healer, who has seen more than any one should. Demon, or not. It’ll take a toll.

“Ah, there you are. I figured. I could feel the heat of your nerves from half way across the castle-“ He announced, as he would come to your bed. There were books in his bandaged fingers, and a tray of sweets with drinks. You were very confused by it, as your stomach was not ready for such a thing. Your stomach was twisting and turning, not to mention lake of motivation at all to consume. Yet, he’s never shown incompetence with the field of medical care. Had you curious.

He was soon sitting next to you, in a chair by your bed, as he set the tray on the table. He was also working his clothes off. As if that’s a surprise, but even Morax had more politeness than this. He didn’t completely strip. Couldn’t if he tried, since he was soaked in bandages. Left to his shorts, and wrappings. Blood forever seeping through, and gore to be mush under the texture. That one working eye looking down at you, and holding so much emotion in it. He seemed excited even. Those hands would claps together, as you watched him. Holding your pillow so tightly.

How it was utterly fascinating to look at him. How you have seen him taken on so much pain, yet keep going. Acting like everything was fine. How familiar. For once, someone could genuinely understand your perspective. How much it sucked. Course, you couldn’t help but feel dramatic about it. Given you’ve seen under those wraps. The missing flesh, the gouged eye, the scars, blood, cuts, bruises, the falling out organs, all of it. Yet, he never dared compared. Your pain was just as real, to him, as the blood soaking the bandage over his empty socket.

“As you know, I take on the burdens of those with wounds and pain. Hence why I have not healed my own, as they are constantly being fresh-“ He begins, as if you didn’t know this already. He was still the smarter of the demons, so you didn’t say anything. You knew he was going somewhere, but your brain was just so foggy. You could hardly hear him honestly. It’s just a blur of noise, and ringing from the pain. Seemed he was aware of it, as he was soon silent. Allowing himself to let actions speak louder than words.

Before you knew it, he snuck into bed with you. Not a first, by many demons, but a first for him. You were about to question it, before you suddenly held immense clarity. It was like a thick blanket was lifted off of you. Your heart wasn’t ringing in your ears. Your breathing was steady. Your limbs didn’t tingle. You could actually comprehend the world around you. It was beyond words. You didn’t know such a feeling was possible. You were, for a moment, normal.

“So warm-“ You heard him mutter, as he was snuggling you. He couldn’t deny the comfort it gave him. A beautiful excuse to hog you all to himself, while everyone else had to go do important demon stuff. He was able to hug you, smell you, even taste you. It was worth taking all your chronic pain, and holding it. It was so worth it. How his fingers were dancing across your skin, and his breath inhaling you. Savoring the scent of human, with ancient magic. It was delicious, and sweet.

“It doesn’t cure it, does it?” You had to ask, as he shook his head. Figured. Makes sense. There were demons born without limbs, and he couldn’t exactly give them limbs back. They were born with it, so the body was forced to function as such. A default, if you will. Regardless, you were hugging him tightly. Just thanking him in your own way. Swore the bastard might jizz himself if you held him too tightly. He’s earned it, in your defense. His eye out right fluttered, as you held him tightly.

“Whenever there is a moments rest, between this war, I hope this can bring you some peace. I know I can not offer perfection, but I’ll be heaven bound if I do not try.” He said, as you were squeezing him tightly. It was mind numbing to have your body not be in this constant pain. You knew this would still be a drop in the bucket for Morax, but in a morbid way it was nice. Nice to know you weren’t burdening him with this. That he got a relief, in your stolen pain. pretty sure the bastard har to have developed a kink for this by now. Had to.

"New order, you sleep with me now.” You demanded, as you were going to get your use out of him. He held zero arguments, was giddy if anything, when you gave that command. How he snuggled into your neck, to inhale more of your sweet human scent. Seeming to be in his own pure heaven, well hell, by such actions. Now you knew why he brought the books and snacks. So you could actually enjoy a quiet moment, that he’ll hardly provided. He found a way to give you peace. He really did it. He found a way, in this madness.

You would grab one of the books, as your other hand would rub his back. To try and give him some emotional support all the same. To show him how grateful you were. Oh sex was so on the table for him. You knew damn well you COULD enjoy sex, even more, with him. Given the physical content meant he took your pain away, leaving you in true pleasure. That had you excited. You had so much energy again. The world was your oyster.

For now, though, you were going to finally enjoy something so many people took for granted. You found yourself a comfortable position to snuggle him in, and started to read. Actually able to focus on the words, and feel the pages in your fingers. The brain fog finally gone, as you snuggled him. How wild that your pain was also his pleasure, as it finally gave him an excuse to get a nap in as well. To heal his own wounds, he has taken for others. Your pain was his excuse.

This was going to be your new normal, and you were excited for it. To have clarity, and be able to focus again. To read the book, and study up more on hell, while Morax finally was getting rest. To finally get some healing done, while you could have a moments rest from the pain. To comprehend the sounds around you, like the distant rumbles of hell shifting and turning. The smell of fire, wine, and death. The textures of the blankets. You could actually be in the moment.

Despite how much energy it gave you, the escape from pain just made you crave sleep. Real sleep. Out like a light you were, with lying against Morax. How your body curled against his, and his arms tangled around you. The book left to be open next to you, drinks emptied, food eaten, and just at peace. Knocked out cold, and having a deep slumber. No tossing and turning from muscle spasms, and no nightmares from the anxiety and pain. You were resting, and with someone all the same.

It was peaceful. You had peace, for the first time in your life. Morax was truly your savior, and he deserved proper rewards for it. After you BOTH got a well deserved nights rest. A tangle of limbs, soft breathing, and the sounds of hell. All to lull you into dreams of hope, prosperity, and joy.

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