#on one hand everything is terrible

[princessdarth-vader]

I think my ultimate thoughts re; Kipperlilly is that I wish we got a scene where a character was allowed to show her... sympathy. I know there's a tone you wanna hit with a victorious season finale, and a somber note of a teenager falling into a deep well of rage doesnt match that tone but it would've been nice to see.

In my dream world, we get an extra epilogue scene where Riz goes to see Jawbone to go and talk to him, and brings up the thing he mentioned about "seeing Kipperlilly in himself" -- relating that to what Jawbone said at the beginning of the year, and wanting to talk about that deeply set in need for control, and the latent anger he has, and all the ways he is like Kipperlilly, and doesn't want to be.

And in response, Jawbone is able to address the ways in which he failed Kipperlilly, and let her down. That she needed more help than he could provide, that she needed someone who wasn't too afraid of their own biases to shut down her anger, someone who could maybe have given her a support system to turn to instead of Porter. Someone external to the school and the social dynamics within it. Just an acknowledgement from, as far as we know, the only adult in Kipperlilly's life who earnestly tried -- and earnestly failed -- to help her find a better path than her rage.

Just a small moment of acknowledgement that Kipperlilly was a child, an angry, scared, biased and deeply insecure child who was looking for help when she first walked into Jawbone's office, and because of all the adults who failed her, she was turned into something unrecognisable by the time she was 17.

#fhjy spoilers #fhjy #kipperlilly copperkettle #dimension 20 #i feel like i need to clarify that i dont think she did nothing wrong #i understand that her anger when she was a kid was unreasonable and biased and terrible #but she was also a thirteen year old who didnt know anything about the world #and she was going to see jawbone frequently #so its not like she wasnt doing anything about it #and i feel so deeply upset about how much she was let down by both well- and ill- intentioned adults throughout her short high school caree #but jawbone was the one who first brought up the similarities between her and riz #like he said that kNOWING she goes into his office and talks about how much she wants to kill kristen applebees and hates riz's guts #so!!! please show me that he cares. that he can see despite everything kipperlilly is a kid #i dont need her revived. i just need her acknowledged that her anger issues were turned into a weapon #i dont CARE that she did it willingly. porter offered her something no other adult could i dont blame her for accepting #in my actual dream world we get a clip of riz offering her a hand and helping her up post-revivify #but that dream world is far off </3

[lilaccatholic]

I am once again thinking about the reluctant ruler whose arc justly and correctly includes assuming the throne and taking responsibility for the people set before them

#it's about simba coming back to pride rock it's about aragorn using andúril to fight for middle earth and assuming the throne it's about #hiccup marrying astrid and assuming his role as chief and moses returning to egypt #and it's about irina loving her people so fully that when she claims all of her subjects as hers that chernobog must release them to her!!! #and it's about miryem choosing to stay with the staryk and repair the damage and assume responsibility for the land and people!!!!! #and! it's! about! gen!!!! #it's ALWAYS about gen!!!! #gen who didn't want to be king. who hated being king and only wanted to marry a queen but who obeyed his gods and became a king over kings #who lost his home and half his family and his HAND but who ushered in a new golden age. #and it's about sophos who ran away but who shot the ambassador and took back his kingdom #it's about duty and it's about sacrifice and it's always ALWAYS about doing the right thing even at great personal cost because it's about #submitting to a power higher than your own. of recognizing that the calling on life is one for serving others and having so much more to #answer for than just yourself. it's knowing duty is love is duty #i cant stand stories where the answer is 'give up the throne and reject your duty' because no!!! you dont get it!!! #thats how you get the monsters!!! thats how you get the prince turned into a beast and thats how you get every terrible weak king that #aragorn feared becoming #to accept your throne is to die to self!!! you are no longer you but 'king' or 'queen' #it's like queen mary says to qeii in the crown 'elizabeth mountbatten must die #elizabeth regina must take her place.' #that's terrifying! but it's also everything!!!! #die! to! self! die! to! self!!!!!! #lilac rambles #lilac goes to the movies #lion king #prince of egypt #lotr #spinning silver #the crown #tqt #the queen's thief #httyd

[goldkirk]

I'm so proud of myself about finances in the past couple months. I still struggle with money but I did enough meditation and journaling and practicing about it to make myself able to actually face my loans and credit cards and savings and bills and start really truly organizing and addressing them for the first time in years instead of just flying by the seat of my pants.

Like. This is a huge deal for me. I've felt like I'm in deadly danger every time I've tried to think about money for years and years. I'm finally able to look it in the face and stare it down and start to organize and plan on purpose instead of just keeping up with the minimum to stay afloat. I'm so proud of myself.

It's still a refrain of "GUILT (funny link)" every time I think about money but I'm able to actually make spreadsheets and face the numbers and monthly tracking again, and even make a new full budget which I haven't been able to do in ages.

still feel guilt, overwhelm, and helplessness, but no longer feel as much deep elemental shame and terror. that's progress baby

#we don't need to talk about how many months and months of therapy visits and doctor appointments I put on credit cards #among other things #but I had to put my foot down about it a couple months ago and shout at myself a little saying HEY #I AM SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS I AM SHOUTING FOR YOU TO HEAR #OF COURSE IT WAS A TERRIBLE FINANCIAL DECISION BUT YOU WEREN'T EVEN EXPECTING TO BE ALIVE #THE CREDIT CARD DEBT WAS NECESSARY TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AND IT DID AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS WAY LESS IMPORTANT THAN THAT #why the FUCK are you feeling SO ASHAMED for making the best decision you knew how to make at the time??? #just because you know NOW that you could have tried some other options doesn't mean you did THEN #you may have known enough to feel shame and guilt yes but you would never in a million years have gotten the help you needed fast enough #by attempting to go another route #you didn't trust anyone besides a very few handfuls of people and even them it wasn't fully #and the stress of running it through parental insurance was so terrifying to you bc you didn't know what that would do #and you never had cosigners for anything your whole adult life. it's OKAY #you fucking DID YOUR BEST #YOU HAVE LEARNED. YOU HAVE MADE CHANGES. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE BETTER #YOU WILL CONTINUE TO LEARN AND IMPROVE OVER TIME #it is not the end of the world. even the utilities sending you to debt collections etc etc #YOU ARE FIGURING IT OUT ONE PIECE AT A TIME #MORE PEOPLE ARE ASHAMED AND AFRAID OF THEIR OWN FINANCES THAN YOU THINK #if the people who fought and argued with and shamed you for considering student loans much less taking them out #had wanted you to actually be financially safer and healthier #they could have just fucking helped out or cosigned your loans or actively helped you find other solutions #instead of spending months and months telling you it was the worst decision ever and would ruin you financially for decades and such #you made the best decisions you could with the level of terror and knowledge that you had. it was enough to keep you alive. #isn't that enough? #isn't it a victory to survive?? isn't that enough?????? #god i'm cringing at sharing this but if it's been this hard for me surely at LEAST one of you has also made financial mistakes or regrets #and seeing me be honest that I fucked it all up too and it's a mess and I'm just climbing back through it as best as I can as I go #will hopefully make at least one of you feel a tiny bit less alone

[iceinherheart-kissonherlips]

Jesus, he thinks, something is wrong with us, we are unwell, no one has ever felt any of this without destruction. Empires have fallen like this, he thinks, but it only makes him want her more, makes him look at his hands and think, My god, what a waste of time doing anything else but holding her. What a waste, and then he says aloud, JesusfuckingChrist what have you done to me? And she says, Kiss me.

He kisses her, thinks, Go on, ruin me. Wreck me, please. 

She kisses him back and she does. [x]

#doctor who #dwedit #rd edit #river song #eleventh doctor #riversongedit #as much as I like them being 'we are married and we love each other but we have our own lives' #I also would love to see them absolutely and mentally insane about each other #completely desperate with lust and love for each other #ready to destroy everything and everyone who dares to come between them #burning up worlds and destroying suns and stars for one more day with each other #with blood on their hands and lives on their conscience #a girl can dream #long post #otp: the towers sang and you cried #great quotes and terrible edits #also did I use the behind the scene version of the wedding kiss? yeah I did #mine

[lurkingshan]

So Jom broke up with Yai just for the drama, I guess?

#i still love this show but boy was that a tee bundit episode 10 #all the conflicts disappearing after one 10 minute scene and making some of last week retroactively nonsensical as a result #tee is so good at writing to *build* conflict but he is terrible at writing his way *through* conflict #so instead he just hand waves it away which makes everything lose its impact #and i have lost confidence in his ability to execute the time travel plot in the remaining time #sigh at least jom and yai are still beautiful even if some of their scenes made little sense #i feel you linger in the air #thai bl #shan shouts into the void

[cozylittleartblog]

i think i am going to make a pay what you want digital zine this year for people who want to get into making little artist alley knick knacks like keychains and stickers and enamel pins, cuz i get a lot of asks about that and i think it would be nice to put my design skills to the test and have it all in one place! that being said, what kind of questions do y'all have about this stuff that you would want answered? everything from packaging to shipping to the products themselves, what would you guys want in there? keep in mind i have only sold on etsy myself and a couple craft shows, so i can't give much advise about personal storefronts.

please put them in the replies on this post so it's all in one place!

#not art #etsy #enamel pins #stickers #keychains #zine #i will probably put my suppliers in it for everything but enamel pins but there's a whole laundry list of reasons #why people dont give up their pin manus and its all very good reasons i am sorry to report #and i say that as a collector who loves pins and wants more pins in the world #HOWEVER i will be giving as many resources as i can to put people down the right path at least!! #that being said you might not Want to just use manufacturers handed blindly to you :') so i will be including pros and cons #of the suppliers i Do give as well. sometimes a manu is great for one person and terrible for another and both experiences are valid #it will be pay what you want so you can poke around for free if you're just curious #but if you do go into business and get sales please consider swinging back around and putting a few bucks in my tip jar #for sharing copious amounts of time and research in one little place for you #not to mention all the time its gonna take for me to compile this together in a zine wjbhdfsbhgjdfg #it will be a fun project though :) something new i've never done before

[abelllia]

Transcript:

[From MAG 92]

Elias (Statement): -if I leave a letter here, in your institute, you might find it, you might be able to save me. I have no other hope. I have no other hope. Please, Jonah, if you have any compassion within your heart, you will not leave me in this place. Your loyal servant, Barnabas.

Elias: Jonah Magnus did leave him in that place, Jon. He got the letter, oh yes, and was on good terms with Mordechai Lukas. He could have interceded, perhaps even saved him, but he did not. And it was not out of malice, or because he lacked affection for Barnabas Bennett: he retrieved those bones sadly enough when the time came. Bones that you can still find in my office, if you know where to look.

No, it was because he was curious. Because he had to know, to watch and see it all.That’s what this place is, Jon, never forget it. You may believe yourself to have friends, to have confidantes, but in the end, all they are is something for you to watch, to know, and ultimately to discard.

[From MAG 159]

Jon: Martin. He’s gone, Martin. He – he’s gone. 

Martin: His only wish was to die alone.

Jon: Tough. Now – listen to me, Martin. Listen.

Martin: Hello, Jon.

Jon: Listen, I know you think you want to be here, I know you think it’s safer, and well – well, maybe it is. But we need you. I need you.

Martin: No, you don’t. Not really. Everyone’s alone, but we all survive.

Jon: I don’t just want to survive!

Martin: I’m sorry.

Jon: Martin. Martin, look at me. Look at me and tell me what you see.

Martin: I see…

I see you, Jon.

I see you.

Jon: Martin.

Martin: I… I was on my own. I was all on my own.

Jon: Not anymore. Come on. Let’s go home.

Martin: How?

Jon: Don’t worry. I know the way.

[CLICK]

End Transcript

Going insane about this for a multitude of reasons

#firstly i love how jon disregarding the one piece of 'advice' elias gives him leads him to the last step needed for the ritual #like. mmm the flavor of tragedy #second and more the main point I think it shows the main difference between Jonah and Jon #the two scenarios are SO unbelievably similar w/ a lukas a lonely victim and an eye person w/ the ability to free the lonely victim #the big difference is Jonah is willing to toss those around him to put himself up top #to be just a watcher #while jon goes in there and is not willing to let those he loves go #i don't doubt jonah saying he actually did care about barnabas actually #i thoroughly believe he did #he just didn't love him *enough* to do anything else other than watch #this is elias so everything he says is subject to at least two tablespoons of salt #maybe some lukas deal is forcing his hand to do nothing #but i don't think he'd keep barnbas' bones just for fun it seems terribly impractical #also the fact Jonah said that Jon is just meant to watch and see *others* #while in 159 jon let martin see *him* #like KJDNFIUSKDJ #tma #JMart #Jon Sims #Martin Blackwood #Elias Bouchard #MAG 92 #MAG 159 #MAG 92 an MAg 159 parallels my beloved #anyone who wants to ask me more about my thoughts about the gang pls don't hesitate to ask fjghfg

[automatic-purification-system]

Magitober Day XIV - Wings of the Magius

"Everyone will be saved. It's our right."

#magitober #magia record #mifuyu azusa #wings of the magius #black feathers #white feathers #quote is from holy mami in the anime #queuetie pie #when i think of the wings of the magius the first character to come to mind really is mifuyu #the magius had the vision and the powers and the wings made it happen #but mifuyu was the one who held everything together #if she wasn't there then none of that would've happened #and isn't it lovely? that she brought all of this about by her own hands? #isn't it terrible? that she's the one responsible for everything? #or something

[anervousmirrorball]

i wish I was a business major who didn't give a fuck. but I'm an artist and a feeler and an empath and now I have to bear the pain of being human

#god it's so terrible being me #i always wanted to not care so much and not take things too personally #not be affected by my environment and the people #i just want to stop being so sensitive. to the world to my emotions to everything that affects me so fucking much and holds me back #constantly making me feel worse inside my body someplace I can't take the feeling out with my nails #i want to rip open my chest and ask someone to fix it for me #it hurts so much it feels awful #and i don't even want to talk about the guilt. the guilt of everything. of existing #Of not caring enough of not doing enough! #apparently the way to avoid feeling so horrible isn't to tell yourself you just don't care when you do care and it hurts so bad #but if I care all the time then I'm stuck in this mud unable to get out because it holds me back and affects me too much #at one point in my life I stopped caring about things and I wish for that vee to come back again because I'm struggling #but then! hear me! not caring about anything at all means there will not be a purpose in your life. nothing that motivates you #and Im struggling with that too. one on hand i just want to stop caring and stop giving a fuck. but at the same time I care so much

[daincrediblegg]

hi egg!!!! ive seen the tag a couple times now and im just so curious who is lady terror 👀 an oc? a ship personified? can i peer into your mind for a second (the answer here can also be Who's to say or just NO)

YES! Lady Terror (real name: Genevieve Sinclair) is my sortof self-insert (though she’s gained a bit more of a life of her own now) OC for the Terror. She and Francis as the most disenfranchised from british empirical thought and good society are falling horrifically in love with each other over the course of the expedition in spite of their respective past romantic rejections and dejections and it being the literal Worst Time To Do That. And I tag them when I am… reminded (I’m certain some think I do this too often… but it’s my house). I’m painfully (and soul crushingly at times) trying to get the canon novel for them written (though I have an excerpt of the first chapter in my masterlist in my pinned, should that be of interest), which intends to have the most insane gothic jane austen vibes one could hope for, and I have like 20 au’s for them including a particular western au that is gaining increasing real estate in my brain recently. Loads of content in the “egg’s oc’s” tag if you wanna take a peek (I say mostly bc I’m exclusively on mobile atm bc my computer is in the shop and linking over isn’t very easy😭) and I have some mini fics for them in my masterlist as well!

#thank you for asking about her I have been dying 😭😭😭😭 #GOING ASKLESS ABOUT MY DEAR LADY TERROR I AM PARCHED #she’s so everything tho #and francis has so many fucking issues about her its so funny #like picture this: there is a cute girl on the other ship and WOAH she’s actually on the level #but wait you’re treating your breakup like a divorce and literally if it ever happens again you’ll kys like you can’t take it #and then some terrible shit keeps happening on this voyage that you and she tried to prevent but can no longer control #and her life is in your hands but she’s only one of so many and she’s slipping through your fingers all the time #and you have to shut yourself off from her even though you get along like gunpowder and canonballs bc you can’t do a damn thing about losing #her. but she’s too stubborn for that and she can take care of herself bc she’s spent all her life learning how and THEN SHE ALSO CHOOSES TO #TAKE CARE OF YOU #they make me insane but alas my motivation wanes #but opportunities like this help anyway thank u dear moot

[zephyrinx]

wow a poll .... would people prefer i post my 3d modelling art (and maybe eventually minecraft mod packs/mobs/etc???) on THIS blog, or should I create another one specifically for that??

#zchat #not art #sorry i'm terrible Indecisive #on one hand its art. on the other i have a compulsive need to organize everything #and on the third hand i actually have followers here

[lylethewaterguy]

WIP of the squad. I just really love the idea of a league sports tournament where everyone is divided in teams. That being said, does anyone have any suggestions for names for the Atlantean team? Cause I can’t think of what to call them (and I’m not sure about what I put down)

#teen titans #donna troy #dick grayson #garth #wally west #roy harper #in case you were wondering #the kryptonians are the Metropolis Aliens #the GLs are the Earth Lanterns #(and they will not shut up about the fact that their name represents all of earth) #the Titans (not including the ones that are on their ‘family’ team) are just the New York Titans #and the spare leaguers are the International Leaguers (cause I’m imagining that team as being basically just the JLI) #the bats are the most successful with the archers in close second #the archers win basically everything with precision hand eye coordination #the aliens win everything with a lot of bumping into each other (like hockey or American football) #the lanterns win a lot of team sports (like basketball) #but do terrible at things where they can directly compare themselves to each other (they were banned from bowling for always fighting) #and the speedsters are disqualified from basically every contest for accidentally using the speed force

[tev-the-random]

... Trying to make a Codfather design. Been looking at some Jimmy fanart for inspiration. I am now at a serious predicament

#the duality of Jimmy #on one hand he does have everything it takes to be a himbo #he was a PE teacher after all #There's literally nothing stopping me from making the Codfather buff #On the other hand #I am terrible at anatomy #And Jimmy just has that twig vibe #dude's as frail as a dry leaf when it comes to pvp #he's like that awkward lanky man in the corner at a party #I've seen REALLY good fanart of both choices #I suddenly remember why I never gave the Codfather a proper design- #Empires SMP #Empiresblr #Solidarity Gaming #silly tev mood

[cosmicswritings]

#also this is me just wanting a happy sparkling megastar au where starscream carries because#there are absolutely no happy megastar aus where starscream is a carrier it's always the other way around -ESPECIALLY tfp#like carrier starscream is usually seen as a punishment or to make him seem weak...same with submissive/bottom starscream tbh#kajdfl;ajf #like i hate how a lot of carrier starscream megastar is like this bad - traumatic thing for starscream whereas when it's the other way#around it's a good thing - same with making him sub and people don't realize the weird message that conveys

bro you LITERALLY put one of my biggest issues with megastar into words. I didn't know what the issue was and why I got weirded out by a lot of content but this is it. Especially 'when it's the other way around it's a good thing' part. People either make sub starscream the worst thing possible or talk about it like it's the worst thing to ever happen to his character and then flip things around with him and make him dom/sire and then suddenly he's not weak anymore. I wish people would put in more effort into making carrier/sub Starscream a good thing rather than making it this shameful, taboo thing that he's ashamed of. I really don't mind how people ship Starscream but like you I've noticed a ton of weird vibes. People can do what they want but you honestly just explained my issue with a lot of it.

putting this all under a cut --

In a funny way you put MY words words into words . THANK YOU.

this isn't the case for everyone, but it's something i've seen a lot. i've seen people who will write fics with starscream carrying with megatron and it's the worst experience for him, but then the other way it's like supposed to be good or even to show that starscream is powerful, or isn't weak or whatever.

It's so hard to find fics, or aus, etc. that have starscream carrying that don't push this idea that it's something truamtic and it's even worse to find people who don't see it that way but in conjunction see carrier megatron as the only 'acceptable' and non traumatic/abusive forms of sparklings and mechpreg in megastar. I don't think people know how weird it is to act as if starscream carrying (or lbr even subbing) by default is a bad thing and that it is the worst thing in the world so the fix if is to flip things around.

and then it's also unfair to megatron to portray him like only one way as a sire. like i hate that so many people portray him as a brutish, harmful and abusive person when he's a sire, when in reality i just find him being a very soft, nervous and caring sire...like do y'all hate him that much?? Do you hate him that much that you just rely on those unfair tropes for him, same with starscream.

but then when it's the otherway around suddenly it's all good. all the abuse, hatred, etc., is all gone??

#like on one hand yeay - carrier starscream #but the few i see of carrier starscream in megastar it is just god awful and terrible for him and it's unfair to megatron too #and it's like 'carrier starscream is weak and it's inhernetly bad so we're gonna make it like that - but then we're gonna switch things aro #*around so now - mech preg megastar is acceptable as long as it's this way #idk - how else to explain it #cleary this doesn't apply to everyone #some people are normal abt carrier starscream #and they are normal about sire starscream #but i can't count the amount of times i've read someone's conent esp jettwin content with like #carrier starscream in a megastar sense and it's god awful #it's just ... they go out of their way to portray meg as a brute and starscream as abused #but then flip it around #where megatron is carrying #and it's like....everything is good - it's all fixed #no abuse and or anything #and that makes me sad #sometimes i think people unknowingly deal with a lot of interanlized homophobia and misogyny when it comes to starscream #esp when portraying him in certain ways or pushing ideas that #portraying him in certain ways is inherently harmful or makes him weak #and that's another reaosn why i do hate #a lot of these tropes #like imentioned above people are so fucking unfair to megatron #and make him seem like a brute and like he can't make a good sire #when starscream is involved #and that's just weird #my take away is - i think if u take a character like starscream - and act as if him being submissve or in tf case even a carrier- is #inhernetly a bad or harmful thing to him by default #and that it makes him weak and shit #then that's not really good #i also don't mind carrier megatron

[caterpillarinacave]

So you choose not to step through the door, after all why mess with nonsense when you're already in nonsense? You check the items in your pockets, your phone you shut off to conserve power, the dog tag, key and top clink together but offer no help, and when you fiddle with the walkie-talkie you manage to get it to turn on, excitedly you call out to the void but only static responds, which is disappointing but predictable, so you put the items away and hunker down for the night, looking at the sky you can see that the stars seem strange, though you're no expert, and the moon seems to have a second smaller moon near it which looks pretty cool but is a stark reminder of how not on your own world your predicament has landed you.

In the morning you begin looking through the nearby bushes and plant life taking note of anything strange, you notice the berries you had been picking before you stepped through the door are also growing around here, they look and taste the same, and some other plants seem pretty similar to the forest from before as well, although the further away from the door you go the more unfamiliar plants you come across (of course that may just be your lack of familiarity with plants) and the few animals you have noticed are bizarre in a way that you can't explain, like the people from town, they seem almost perfectly familiar, just a little off and the noises they make have you thinking they wouldn't be able to communicate with their counterparts either, brushing aside another branch you come across a strange funnel made of metal which you pocket and what looks to be a regular whistle, you wipe it down and blow but hear nothing aside from the air going through, you consider it is either broken or maybe a dog whistle, as you go to put it away you hear something big running in your direction, before you can decide how to react a large creature storms out of the bushes and stops in the clearing before you, it's huge as a horse with paws and sharp teeth it licks as it looks around and spots you, it shakes its head again reminding you of a horse, then steps closer before turning and staring expectantly, you get the feeling it's waiting on you, impatiently, and you realize it seems to expect you to get on its back. Do you get on?

Yes.

#I am a terrible terrible Irish child #Clearly all those folk tales whose only moral was “don’t climb on the strange horse” were lost on me. Technically not a horse though. So. H #Uh please don’t run into the bog with my on your back strange horse thing. #…This may be one of my worse ideas #On one hand moving away from what appears to be the only connection my world doesn’t sound like a great idea #Back through the door is logically the the best bet. However I’ve already explored the area #The only thing to do would be to just sit there for hours and that will get me nowhere. The things that do have leads like the walkie- #Sputtering are things to pay attention to but not things that are likely to change if I don’t move. The whistle is the newest thing- #And let’s be real I’ve been in the bramble for like 14 hours without the neurospicy meds I am teetering on dangerously antsy #Probably better to get on the horse before I come up with something more stupid #It’s interesting my world flora seems to surround the door. I wish I’d payed more attention before I stepped through #If the nearby flora on the other side seemed like it would come from this world it would suggest that the door just leaks between universes #In two ways. If it’s earths flora then it’s either only leaking one way which we could no from one step through #Or - which we will not know but should pay attention for if we step into some other world - if the earths flora shows up around EVERY porta #Which would suggest earth is the base in some way #It might be beneficial to climb a tree to try and see farther out #Though I don’t exactly get many opurtunited to haul myself up a tree so I would put to much stock in a)my upper body strength #And b) my ability to chose a tree that won’t kill me #It’s defintley worth taking in as much info as possible. I’ll try and notice things like different winds gravity tempature ect #What should i tag this all. Help I got lost in a blackberry bush? Anon who takes me to alternate planes of reality? #I know #Guys I got lost in a bush #That’s a good one. Nothing weird there at all. #FINE I’ll rage it “guys I got lost in a blackberry bush” #I wonder what makes things so familiar. Perhaps this world exists very closely to the other. Perhaps they’ve crossed paths before. #Perhaps they’ve shown up in our dreams. Perhaps I have bad memory and my brain gaslights itself into thinking everything’s familiar #I wonder maybe the horse is a horse/dog thing- that would explain the likeness to the dog whistle (?) #This can’t get any worse I say doing something that could very much make it worse #Eh what’s the worst that can happen. At least I don’t have to pay taxes in this world #Guys I got lost in a black berry bush

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks