#our big family mystery has always been What Happened to Helen?

[awheckery]

DEATH TW and mentions of murder so if that is triggering for you don’t read, but if it’s not then i’d like to ask if you’ve heard of forensic genealogy? while i am uneasy at the prospect of using it to find suspects, it can also be used to find the identities of unidentified decedents, who die of accidental causes or are murdered, and often it’s the only hope to identify those who have been unidentified for decades. the dna doe project is a nonprofit that’s mostly volunteer run, and i think that your research skills could be useful there or somewhere like there. i know this is kind of a random ask to receive, identification of unidentified remains is my special interest but i don’t have the time or training to get better at researching beyond a few tricks here and there.

I feel like we've read the same articles recently; did you see the tumblr post (and linked articles) about Joseph Augustus Zarelli, the Boy in the Box?

Which is to say, yes, I am aware of forensic genealogy and the DNA Doe Project, because like many white American women, I'm a true crime junkie.* My big Thing is investigative procedure tho, so I'm also deeply interested in plane & train crash investigations, medical mysteries, archaeology, anthropology... basically 'what happened, and by which processes and methods do we figure out what happened?'

So far as getting into the game myself, I dunno. I assume there's probably some sort of required formal training, along with the expectation of reliability and sustained effort, and I'm a chronically ill autodidact with ADHD. I'm the research equivalent of a sprinter; investigative genealogy requires a marathoner, because there's so much exhausting, grinding work involved.

Something I've never seen brought up before in any investigation is how many extant family trees are just wrong. Genealogical sites make it too easy to crib notes from other users, and all it takes is one person deciding 'eh that's probably the right guy' for dozens of other amateur researchers to make the same mistake, and then somebody ties that erroneous information to their DNA profile. I don't know how the forensic genealogists deal with that.

You also have to take into account how many people throughout history have just gone missing, or otherwise fallen off the historical record. Just because someone's date of death is absent doesn't mean something nefarious happened to them. (Just because someone's date of death is present doesn't mean it's correct.) People emigrate. They marry. They change their names. They die alone and unknown in a ditch**, or they die somewhere that doesn't make those records public***. Paper records can burn or flood out, and family stories rarely make it down more than one or two generations. History is messy.

I've only done serious research into my family background for two years, in fits and starts interrupted by illness flare ups. Half the time it feels like I find more questions to ask than I get answers. I've found a pair of illegitimate daughters and a handful of adoptees. I've found some two dozen 'missing persons' who may as well have disappeared into thin air, for how suddenly they dropped out of the historical record. I've found a murder victim and a (maybe) would-be murderess.

And four months ago, I found the answer to another family's 150 year old missing person case, and it changed everything I thought I knew about my mother's family.

This is how.

Five months ago, I thought I knew everything there was that could be known about John Robert McDowell.

I knew he was born July 1st of either 1868 or 1869, in Belfast, Northern Ireland. According to his naturalization petition, he came to the United States in April of 1883, when the absolute oldest he could have been was fourteen, and at the time of his naturalization in 1896 he claimed his nationality was English, presumably due to anti-Irish sentiments at the time.

I knew John's handwriting was idiosyncratic: he wrote the J in his name with a rightward upper loop that scooped up again before curving back around the center staff, and his uppercase R was a mess of curlicues. I've never seen the like before or since.

I knew that despite living in America for ten years longer than he'd lived outside it, John still had an accent in 1908 when his second son was born. Spelling is incredibly inconsistent across historical records because up until very recently, it was the practice of the record keepers to write down their best guess at what they heard, and in 1908 a midwife heard and recorded John's surname as McDoul.

John's life was actually remarkably well-documented, in comparison to his contemporaries. I bought myself access to Newspapers.com along with my Ancestry subscription, and he made semi-regular appearances in the Newport News Daily Press for the better part of thirty years as a Navy veteran, successful entrepreneur, and president of a labor union that later became the United Steelworkers Local 8888. (A seemingly throwaway notice in the Daily Press was the only record I've yet been able to find for his divorce, which eventually led me to find out whatever happened to his wife, which is another saga entirely. Pauline, you dirty rotten cheater.)

I knew that John was in and out of the hospital with thyroid cancer, but he was such a tough old bastard it took the better part of fifteen years to kill him, and he died in 1954 at the age of 86.****

According to John's death certificate (and the U.S. Government records at the VA hospital where he died), his parents' names were Thomas McDowell and Isabell Rabb (or possibly Robb, the Accent strikes again.)

This is the only record linked to either of them on Ancestry.com at all.

I have most of a history degree, so I wasn't surprised. There are next to no records of the 1890 census of the United States, and that was down to a fire in the National Archives. Ireland was dragged backwards through hell by the ankles for centuries by a succession of British monarchs and governments, and Belfast was in the prime of especially conflicted territory for much of it. No census records from John's lifetime were kept, and the likelihood his parents would show up in the surviving fragments from 1841 and 1851 was slim to none.

There were transcribed indexes from birth and marriage records available, at least, and I scoured them through, looking for a John McDowell, and there wasn't a single damn one born to a Thomas or Isabelle McDowell in a decade on either side of 1868. There wasn't any record I could find at all of a Thomas McDowell marrying an Isabelle Rabb until well after John left Ireland.

Five months ago, as far as I knew, John Robert McDowell was probably a bastard, who'd either been left out of whatever records were taken at the time, or he was one of the unfortunate ones whose birth record had been lost.

Four months ago, I realized that the record indexes on Ancestry included film numbers, which meant there were pictures of those records to be found somewhere. If they were organized chronologically, I could try to find his birth registration that way. Googling "ireland civil registration records" brought me to the Civil Records search page of a genealogy site run by, of all things, the Irish government's tourism department.

Once again, there wasn't a John McDowell born to the right parents during the right time period, so I went looking for his parents' marriage. And found it.

If they married in 1872, John would probably still technically be a bastard, but I had a point to start from. Once I clicked into the actual scan of the record I nearly snapped myself in half sitting upright in attention, because Thomas McDowell's father's name was Duncan, John named his eldest son Duncan, Isabella's father's name was John, I had to have the right two people, this couldn't be a coincidence.

And then I noticed Isabella was a widow. Isabella was a widow.

Who was your husband, and when did he die, Isabella? I searched again, and found her marriage to a Thomas Logan July 30th, 1866. No men named Thomas Logan died in Belfast between 1866 and 1870, which meant he was probably still alive when John was born. It meant I had been looking in the wrong direction the entire time.

John Robb Logan came into the world on July 1st, 1868, in the Ballymacarrett district of Belfast, the second child of four born to Thomas Logan and Isabella Robb. Once I knew what I was looking for the rest came easy.

John's early life was riddled with tragedies. His younger brother Joseph was six months old when he died in March of 1870. His father died of smallpox in December of the same year, exactly one month after the birth of his sister Mary. Three months before his fifth birthday, his first half-sibling Bella died, at just five months old. And in 1879, his older brother William died after a long, miserably drawn-out illness from spinal tuberculosis.

(As an aside, god, poor Isabella. She had four children with Thomas Logan, and a further nine with Thomas McDowell, and before her early death from a long respiratory illness she buried a husband, two sons, and two daughters. How do you go on after that, how are you not forever shattered?)

If I hadn't been sure I'd found the right family, I was after William died. Thomas McDowell was the person who reported William's death to the registrar's office after sitting by his deathbed. The registrar recorded William as a "child of [the] baker" that Thomas was by profession; Thomas McDowell claimed his stepson as his own.

Duncan McDowell, John's step-grandfather, had a family burial plot in Ballygowan, and he named William Adam Logan as his grandson, with no qualifiers, when they buried him.

All the evidence suggests that the McDowells loved John Robb Logan and his siblings, and he loved them back every bit as much. You don't choose to take on the surname of people you hate, and it seems very much the case that John chose to go by McDowell when he came to America. I'm honestly not sure there was a way for Thomas McDowell to bequeath his name to his stepchildren, given John's brother William died a Logan and his sister Mary married as one.

John Robb Logan disappeared from history after his baptism, and John Robert McDowell made his first confirmed appearance in the historical record in 1883, but I was certain they were one and the same. The problem was proving it to my mother, because McDowell was her family name. She'd grown up with it, as had her sisters and her dozens of cousins and her father and his siblings and her father's father; I only had a paper trail arguing the name she knew didn't belong to any of them by blood.

So I went for blood.

I refuse to give my DNA to Ancestry.com on a principle born from paranoia and ethics concerns. It's absolutely not happening, ever, like hell do I expect a corporation to do the right thing with my genetic material. My mother doesn't share my concerns, either now or four years ago, when she bought an Ancestry DNA kit and then did absolutely nothing with her results besides marvel at the unexpected Swedish heritage in her 'Ethnicity Estimate' because doing anything else looked like too much work.

It took a few days to figure out how to hook my mother's DNA results into the tree I've built, and a few more for all the features to populate, but all told it took less than a week between learning the truth about my great-great-grandfather's parentage and proving it irrefutably with DNA, via several descendants of his full-blooded sister Mary and a grandson of his half-brother Wallace.

Ancestry doesn't tell you when new DNA matches are found, or when someone adds you to their tree (and thank god for that, my mother has somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty thousand matches). To those descendants of Mary Thomasina Logan, the handful of John's descendants who've shelled out for Ancestry DNA kits could be any random person. Frequently the relationships between matches aren't clear, because of all the folks like my mom who never add a tree to their results, or those who don't try to go any further back than their grandparents.

As far as Mary Logan's descendants know, the sons of Thomas Logan dead-ended his line, and when I do find John in their trees there's never more than a birth year and a blank space where there would usually be a year of death. (They all have the wrong Isabella Robb too, but I don't really blame them; apparently Isabella was one of the most popular names for girls for well over a century, and Robbs weren't exactly thin on the ground.)

Someday soon, I'm going to reach out. People who study genealogy do it because they're looking for something: long lost relatives, answers to questions asked too late, or even a better, more personal understanding of history by learning about the people who were there when it happened. Every family has its mysteries and this one, at least, could be solved.

John's story doesn't end here. Here is where it begins.

~

*I'm aware of the problematic nature of White Lady True Crime Brain Poisoning, but I'm gonna have to pull the 'I'm not like other girls' card. I'm incredibly discerning about my crime shows, I hate the fucking cops, and I'm realistic about how unbelievably low my chances are of ever being the victim of a violent crime. I'm white, I'm broke as shit, I'm built like a running back and walk like the Terminator, and most importantly, I'm single and planning to stay that way for the rest of my life. The only way I'm getting murdered is if I happen to get caught in a random mass shooting, which isn't outside the realm of possibility because America.

**In case anyone's gotten this far and is still interested, there's strong evidence that the mystery of the Somerton Man was finally solved last year. At some point I'd like to take a look at the tree the forensic genealogists built tho, because I have some Doubts. There was only one person in that family that fell off the map in the 40's? Just one? I was lightning-strike kinds of lucky enough to find John's real parentage, but I dug up more unanswered questions with it, because two of his half-brothers dropped out of the records after 1901. Completely setting aside the possibility of infidelity in the Webb family and how common inbreeding has been (both historically and in recent memory) in populations of European descent, I have a hard time buying that Carl Webb was the only person who could be the Somerton Man. It's still cool as shit that they have a strong possibility tho.

***Maryland and Kansas specifically can blow me, if somebody died in either of those states I have to find an obituary or a tombstone to get the mcfrickin' date, and I have to either pay money and prove a relationship to see a death certificate, or show up to an archive in person to search on their intranet, MARYLAND WHY DO YOU NOT WANT ME TO KNOW WHEN MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER DIED. (Being fair, I don't know if she died in Maryland, that's just a great-uncle's best guess, because she ran away from her family in 1949 and nobody ever saw her again after the early 60's. Helen, where the hell did you go?)

****One of the big reasons why I got into genealogy in the first place was to see if I could find how far back the predisposition to early deaths and autoimmune disease went in my family. What I hadn't expected to find was a predisposition for extreme longevity on all sides. Longevity as in 'skewing the life expectancy bell curve' kinds of longevity. As long as someone didn't come down with a freak illness or make a looooooooong string of poor life choices, they were apparently immune to death, which honestly explains a few things about Crazy Grandma, god damn.

#genealogy #forensic genealogy #research throwdown #storytime with stella #long post #I'm seriously not kidding it's a long goddamn post #image heavy #all images described in alt text #I don't think I did a particularly great job communicating why I shouldn't get into this professionally #this took a long goddamn time to figure out #I think most people want answers quicker than *checks back of hand* seven-ish months? #fwiw my mother took it remarkably well #our big family mystery has always been What Happened to Helen? #that was probably the central question of my grandfather's life: not knowing what happened to his mother #so that was my mom's big question too #and luckily we had other weird familial circumstances as precedent #me: 'heyyyyyyyy uh so great news yr great-grandfather wasn't a criminal on the lam OR a bastard child. he was kind of adopted?' #mom: 'adopted??? huh. like your grandpa with the mudds?' #me: '....actually. yeah. almost *exactly* like that. but like if grandpa changed his last name and then never told you he'd done it' #tho I still have no idea why john changed 'robb' to 'robert' #my theory for a long time was that he was just REALLY leaning into the scottish heritage; the guy named his sons duncan & bruce #then I learned about irish naming conventions and while that answered some questions it just wound up leaving me with MORE questions #I went through all 8 stages of grief a year ago when I figured out john's presbyterian funeral meant the fam married into catholicism LATER #and thus were probably scots colonizers to the plantation of ulster instead of former gallowglasses #I don't love the idea of my ancestors being unionist kiss-asses #which the naming scheme kinda supports #but john was a LABOR UNION ORGANIZER #he left well before the clearances in the 20's but labor activism was synonymous with catholicism & nationalism for aaaaaaaages #he had to have picked that up from a parent. two of his half brothers (who also emigrated to the states) were union members too

[keanureevesisbae]

“The road to our forever” - Chapter 10

Summary: John and Darcie are planning their wedding, but it comes with certain ups and downs.

John Wick x OFC Darcie

Word count: 2.7k

Warnings: none

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

Being with John, always gave me this serene feeling. A calm feeling. Knowing that if something went wrong, he’d be there.

Now something did went wrong and he wasn’t there. While it was my natural instinct to completely freak out, being paralyzed by fear and doubt, I somehow did remain calm.

I figured that once I would find John, I’d be mad and upset with him, but when I saw him crouched down in front of Helen’s tombstone, I didn’t feel any of those things. I felt so sorry for him. He finally told me more about himself, his past life and everything that he has been going through. I sort of processed it all, but despite that, I can’t stop thinking about everything he had gone through, mostly by himself.

His grief, his pain, his anger.

I place my head against his strong arm, as I wrapped mine around it. I’m going to marry the man of my dreams. I’ve dreamed about my wedding, but after I broke up with Eric, I never thought I’d marry anyone. I felt so single, so lonely and thought I was going to be that woman who owned that cafe, watched everyone else get married and have kids, while I’d die alone with Tiki and other dogs I’d adopt out of self pity.

But so much has happened and marrying John… It turns out that it’s the only thing I’ve ever truly wanted.

‘I love you, John.’

He places a kiss on top of my head. ‘I love you too, baby,’ John tells me. ‘Are you ready?’

‘More than ready. Are you?’

‘Of course.’

We start to walk down the aisle. We chose an outdoor wedding, because it spoke to us the most and right now I’m so happy that we did. The rainbow is still full in view and it makes me feel weirdly comforted, knowing that Helen is watching over us, seeing us get married, right after John told me all about it.

After I spoke to Helen at her grave, I realized that she will always be there. Always be there in John’s heart. But she loved him a lot and John still loves her and I understand.

I see all the people that I really wanted there. Besides my excessive family, I see all the staff from the cafe, including Ellie and Roger, Tina and Greg. They have a big smile on their faces and Tina even blinks away a few tears.

They all got accepted into the universities they wanted to go to, with John’s help with their admissions. Tina is going to UCLA, while Greg, Roger and Ellie are all staying here in the state. I know it’s going to be hard on Greg, but knowing them, they’ll make it work. He truly loves her and I’ve heard them talking about how they would make their long distance relationship work, even asked not only John and me for advice, but also wanting to know what Jennie’s opinion was and how Raye and Aurelio would deal with it.

I also see Winston and Charon, who simply nod at us. Some guys of Aurelio’s chop shop.

My mom is crying, just like my grandmother and I don’t want to look too long at them, because I know I’ll start to uncontrollably sob too. John has placed his hand on mine, giving me a comforting squeeze. When I look up, John sends me a smile.

The officiant was someone that Winston from the Continental knew and apparently it’s a good one, since my father knew about him too. He seemed like a nice guy, so let’s hope he is not going to bore me to death.

‘Dearly beloved,’ the officiant starts, when John and I are standing in front of each other, holding our hands tightly together. ‘We are gathered here today, to celebrate the love between Jonathan Wick and Darcie Ryujin Angel. According to their friends and family, they are—and I quote—the most cutest couple on earth, but they make them vomit.’

I can’t help but chuckle and look at Raye, who just shrugs.

‘They decided to write their own vows, so therefore, who wants to start?’

I look to John and he just nods towards me. ‘Asshole,’ I mouth to him, but I reach for the piece of paper that Jennie hands to me.

My hands are shaking when I open the folded paper and I clear my throat. Tears are already building up in my eyes, but I don’t want to cry just yet. ‘Dear John,’ I start, ‘when you walked into my cafe, all I could think was that you were a mysterious and handsome man. You remained handsome, you remained mysterious, but I did learn one more thing about you: you are the most boring customer any store and or cafe owner could possibly get. Always ordering the same thing: one cappuccino and a chocolate brownie. Despite that, I couldn’t help myself but to fall in love with you. The way you would sit at your table every day, spoiling my dog with treats… I was counting the hours until I would see you again, because it was never enough. Every visit was too short.’

I look up from my paper, only to see John staring at me already, the corners of his mouth curled into a smile.

‘I finally got to know you a bit better and though we’ve had our ups and downs, there is not a single guy that has shown me the love that you have shown me. The way you care not only about me, but also about Tiki, about Oreo, about my best friends, my cafe, my sweetest customers and my family… You love with all your heart, John. Sometimes I look at you and I wonder: what did I do to deserve you? I know I can’t be the wife that you deserve, but I sure as hell can try my best, my hardest to be the one that deserves you. Because whether you like it or not, I’m never going to let you go. This wedding, marrying you, is the start to our forever. To our happily ever after and even with everything we’ve been through, I’d do it all over again, just to be with you. Because I love you so much, John Wick.’

John holds my hand, brings it to his lips, to give me a tender kiss on my fingers. ‘I love you too, Darcie,’ he whispers.

Jennie takes the piece of paper from my hand and Aurelio gives John his. He stares at it for a moment, before he licks his bottom lip and says: ‘I had been looking for happiness for years, but had yet to find it. I decided to get my mind off of everything and walk into your cafe. I hoped that I was able to forget about my own responsibilities. That day I met you and I did forget about my own responsibilities, because all I could think about, was you. Your smile, your contagious laugh and especially the way you would look at me when you’d take my order. You were the highlight of my day, Darcie and I’ve told you this before, but you are the highlight of lots of peoples day. Seeing how you run your cafe with such grace, with so much love, I realized something: I was falling hard for you and I couldn’t stop anymore. For months I thought you were just being friendly and I had turned into a teenager with an idiotic crush on someone he could never get, like Roger.’

I place my hand in front of my mouth, to prevent myself from bursting out in laughter, but when I look up, I see Roger laughing the hardest of everyone.

‘This is a big step for the both of us. I can’t help but to feel and to be the happiest man on earth. I’m going to be the husband of the woman who owns the best cafe in the entire USA. The best cafe in the whole world for that matter. I’m the lucky one who is guaranteed to have a seat there, every single day. You said that you can’t be the wife I deserve, but I have to tell you, baby, that you are wrong. Usually I agree with you, but that is the biggest lie you ever told me.’

I wipe away my tears and bless the make-up artist for using waterproof mascara, because with the rate I’m crying at, I would’ve looked like a panda had I used my own make-up.

‘I’m definitely the one that doesn’t deserve you and I’ll work hard to try and be the one that you deserve. As much as I loved calling you my girlfriend and my fiancée, there is only one thing that I truly want and that’s for you to become my wife, so I can introduce you as such.’

John sliding his ring on my finger and me doing it to him, I all undergo it between sniffles. Looking at John, he has been holding back his own tears.

It has been such a rollercoaster of emotions the past twenty four hours. First we manage to piss each other off, then we show each other our unconditional love for one another, then he runs off and we have the biggest heart to heart talk we’ve ever had. And now I’m listening to the officiant pronouncing us husband and wife after we mange to choke out our ‘I do’s’.

‘You may kiss your bride.’

John has a smile on his face. His large hands hold both sides of my face, his thumbs softly wiping away the tears underneath my eyes. ‘I love you, Mrs. Wick.’

‘I love you too,’ I whisper back, before closing the gap between us, his soft lips against mine. This kiss is more passionate than our kisses have ever been. Maybe it has to do something with us being officially married, maybe it has something to do with him being more open and maybe it is because this is the start to our future.

I don’t know, but one thing I know for sure.

I’m not letting this man go.

Never ever.

⟢⟡⟣

Though our reception is nice and I have a great laugh watching my Korean grandma trying to show off some of her “awesome” dance moves, I keep thinking about what John told me before the wedding. It was a lot and I was relieved that he felt comfortable enough to eventually share.

It hasn’t always been that easy.

He scared the living shit out of me, walking away on our wedding day, but now I watch him, holding my little cousin Seulgi who is four, in his arms, while he dances with her. They have a huge language barrier, with John not speaking a word Korean and Seulgi not speaking any English, but he makes it work. He lets her ruffle his long hairs, lets her smushing his face together and he laughs it all off.

I can’t wait for us to start a family.

‘Miss Angel, you look absolutely gorgeous,’ Roger says, who stands beside me, with a drink in his hand.

I lean in, to smell what it is in his cup (I suspect Raye from sneaking in some alcohol), but I come to the conclusion he has some juice in his cup. ‘Good boy,’ I say, patting his shoulder. ‘Why aren’t you with Ellie?’

‘Ellie is talking to Jennie, trying to get more information about that Aurelio man,’ he says. ‘Besides, Tina and Greg are enjoying their final moments together before she goes off to college, so I figured I would join you.’

‘Very sweet of you, Roger.’

‘You know, I’m really going to miss your cafe once I go to college,’ he admits. He nervously plays with his tie, while staring at the dance floor. ‘You really brought me a lot of happiness and joy, miss Angel, just like you brought mister John lots of happiness, according to his vow.’

‘I’m going to miss you too, sweetheart,’ I say to him. ‘It will probably not be the same, without you guys there nearly every day. You and Greg have really been there from the beginnings of the cafe.’

‘Well, we’ll definitely visit you when we can,’ he says, ‘because I don’t know I can live that long without you.’

‘Always the drama queen,’ I laugh. ‘They’ll be tons of coffee places, Roger.’

‘But none will feel like yours,’ he says.

I nod. ‘Damn it, you’re going to make me cry,’ I say, tears already burning in my eyes.

‘Miss Angel,’ he continues, ‘your cafe brought me a lot I want in life. It brought me a safe haven, a girlfriend and a glimpse of the future. So, though we’ll don’t be there nearly daily, I’ll definitely stop by to check on you and John every now and then.’

‘I’ll hold you to that.’

‘You want to dance?’ he asks. ‘This’ll probably the one and only time I can ever dance with you.’ Roger holds out his hand and with a smile I take it. You can see he has been to his fair share of school dances, because this kid knows what he is doing. ‘So, while I’m going to start college, you are going to start live an adult life.’

‘What do you think is an “adult” life?’

‘Kids, responsibilities. We’ve heard you two talk about the future,’ he says. ‘Though I’m going to enjoy my years in college and all, I can’t wait for that kind of an adult life with Ellie.’

‘God, Roger, you are the sweetest kid ever,’ I admit. ‘Ellie is a lucky girl.’

‘Well, I’m an even luckier guy,’ he says.

I give the sweetest high schooler a kiss on his cheek. ‘I’m going to miss you too, but you better enjoy those years in college.’

‘Yeah, I will.’

He twirls me around the dance floor, causing me to laugh. Two days after John and I return from our honeymoon, Tina is going to UCLA and a week after that, Roger, Ellie and Greg are going to their respective colleges. It’s going to be such a change, not seeing them every single day, but besides that, there never are going to be kids like them.

They told me that they will say goodbye to me, Raye, Jennie and John and it means the world to me that they see us as role models.

I don’t know how long I dance with Roger, how long we laugh at my family who embarrass themselves, but eventually John taps Roger on his shoulder. ‘Ellie is looking for you,’ he tells him.

‘Where is she?’

‘She’s at the chocolate bar,’ John answers.

Roger gives me a tight hug and even hugs John, before he walks away. John has a smile on his face and he looks like such a proud father. If it weren’t for John’s help, the kid might not gotten into college. ‘May I?’ he asks.

‘Always.’

He holds my hand tightly, placing his other large hand on the small of my back. ‘God, you are my wife,’ he says, ‘still have to get used to that.’

‘I know,’ I laugh. ‘You somehow managed to pull yourself away from Seulgi.’

‘She is the cutest,’ John admits. ‘It’s a shame that she is going back to Korea in two days. I’m going to miss her, just like the rest of your family for that matter.’

‘Maybe we should go to South Korea more often. To meet my family every now and then.’

He nods. ‘That would be lovely. You have such a large family.’ He clears his throat. ‘When we have kids, I want them to have a large and loving family. Even though they won’t be seeing most of them on a weekly basis, but it’s nice to know that they have that many cousins.’

I stand on my tippy toes, to give him a long kiss on his cheek. ‘I love you,’ I tell him. ‘God, I love you so fucking much.’

John smiles. ‘I love you more.’

‘Not possible.’

‘Very possible,’ he retorts. He wraps both of his arms around my waist and peppers the left side of my face with millions of kisses. ‘I’m never going to let you go,’ he says and I can feel him smiling underneath all those kisses. ‘Never ever ever.’

A/N: this tiktok was the inspiration for their wedding 

Taglist: @toomanystoriessolittletime​ / @flhorah​ / @allie1804-fan​ / @cynic-spirit​ / @raven-black102​ 

#keanu reeves x oc #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves #keanu reeves x original character #keanu reeves x ofc #john wick x oc #john wick fanfic #john wick #john wick x original character #john wick x ofc #the road to our forever

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

New Fic!

I initially wrote this fic for the Carry On Countdown deleted scene/ missing scene prompt but didn’t manage to finish it/edit it in time. Then I thought I would use it for the Carry On Big Bang, to have an actual FINISHED fic ready before deadline for once. But I wasn't sure if there was enough inspiration for an artist in this fic. And I'm impatient when I have a finished fic in my files. And I had another idea for COBB. So here it is--a canon based, gap-filler of the night they went searching for Nicodemus. 

I Follow You

Simon

I’m sitting in this posh car of Baz’s and flipping through the radio stations. There’s not much music at Watford, not since the Mage banned electronics. I stop at the station playing Christmas carols.

It’s not felt like Christmas at all this year. The days have blended together so the fact that it’s almost Christmas has caught me by surprise.

I’d be hiding out in the den with Agatha if I’d been at the Wellbeloves. Their big party is on Christmas Eve and it’s always a madhouse there in the days leading up to the actual event. Mrs. Wellbelove never liked us underfoot.

Well, she didn’t like me underfoot. And Agatha hated helping Helen dust, so we’d skive off as much as we could.

I’m relieved Baz told his step-mum we’d miss the evening meal tonight. I guess relieved isn’t quite the right word. I’m a bit gutted to miss the food but thankful to be spared another awkward encounter with his family.

I suppose I’ll have to sit through Christmas dinner with them. Won’t that be a treat. I wonder if Baz will try to make me wear coat and tails, the tosser. I’d look like a damn penguin, I would.  

And he’d look like a fucking prince, the prat. I can just see it. I shake the thought out of my head.

Baz is taking forever.

I look out the passenger side window but there’s no sign of him.

I’m glad he said I didn’t have to go in with him. His aunt Fiona creeps me out. She looks so much like Baz but with sharper edges somehow. Looks at me like she’d burn me to cinders with her eyes if she could. Baz has threatened to burn me to ash more times than I can count but somehow his eyes never look quite as disconcerting as hers do.

I can’t sit still. I think about getting out of the car to stretch my legs but I don’t want to risk locking myself out. Merlin, I’d never hear the end of it from Baz if I did. I’ve not got my wand to magic myself back in, even if I could spell it open without some disaster happening to the car itself.

Not something I’d particularly want to explain to Mr. Grimm.  

I tap my fingers on the armrest.

What could be taking so long? He’s supposed to ask her about Nicodemus, not stop for tea and biscuits and a bit of a jaw.

I pull at the collar of my jumper. I don’t really want to stretch it out but the neck is snugger than I like.

Not that it’s even my jumper. It’s Baz’s. Soft and posh, a pale Nordic blue. Even smells like him.

Baz insisted I wear something other than my uniform. Said I looked twelve in my Watford gear, which is rot.

At least he let me wear my own trousers. Imagine the laugh of me wearing his posh jeans—too long in the leg and too tight in the arse, no doubt.

He does look imposing in the suit he’s got on. It fits him just right, like all his clothes do, the wanker. The only clothes that fit me like that are my Watford ones. In the summers I just make do with trackies, t-shirts and baggy thrift-shop jeans.

But even my magically fitted Watford clothes have never looked anywhere near as sharp as Baz’s stylish togs. Looks right fit he does.

Dr. Wellbelove let me borrow one of his posh suits one Christmas. I wasn’t as tall or as broad in the shoulders then. It looked good. I looked good. I looked like I belonged there, next to Agatha, even if the suit hung a bit loose.

I didn’t look like I belonged last night at Pitch Manor. I looked out of place—flushed and stammering, my wrinkled school uniform starkly plain against all their posh clothes. Even with Baz wearing jeans, rather than the waistcoat and silk scarf I’d always imagined he’d wear to lounge around at his ancestral home.

Like some brooding protagonist in a Gothic novel.

I didn’t belong there yet somehow it still felt like they were trying to make me feel welcome, odd as that may be. Mr. Grimm didn’t say much after greeting me, but he didn’t make any snide comments or asides about the Mage either. Baz’s step-mum just kept passing me platters of food and giving me these fleeting little smiles when I’d pile more on my plate. I couldn’t say no. I always thought Cook Pritchard’s food was the best, but this was even better than the meals at Watford. I had to pop my trouser button before the pudding last night.

I wasn’t going to pass on eating that trifle.

Baz

Fiona was painfully resistant to providing much information about this Nicodemus. There’s more to his story than she’s telling me, that’s for damn sure.

Who would go to the vampires? It doesn’t make sense. A Mage has power in and of himself. Magic gives us so much. Why trade that to become a pariah and an outcast?

An eternal life being ostracized?  Sounds more like hell. I think the immortality rumors are complete rubbish. We’d be overrun by vampires if they were true (I don’t want them to be true.)

All I know for certain is that we have to go to Covent Garden. Fiona spilled that at least. I should be able to sniff them out. Follow the scent of a fresh kill.

I hate that.

I hate that they’re out there, lurking in the shadows. Preying on some poor sod who had too much to drink. Some girl who made the mistake of walking to the tube station alone.

I can’t save them all. I can’t save any of them.

Not by myself. Not even with Snow. What are we going to do—take on an entire pack of vampires on our own? I think the fuck not.

No. It’s not the time for retribution. I need to know the truth about what happened. Why my mother seems to trust this Nicodemus when Fiona—who was his friend (or more) (I don’t want to think about that)—can barely bring herself to speak his name.

I need answers. I can burn it all down another time.

Although this may be the only time I have Snow at my side.

On my side.

He’s all agitation and tumbled curls when I get in the car. “Did she tell you anything, Baz?”

“She told me enough.”

“What’s that mean?”

I sigh as I start the car. “It means I have an idea of where to find him.”

“So we’re off to the vampire lair, then?”

I give him a withering look. “No, Snow, not yet.”

“Well, why the hell not? You know where to look now, yeah?”

“I’d rather find them after they’ve fed. They might not be all that interested in me but you look like a tasty snack.” In more ways than one, but I keep that thought to myself.

He does though. Snow looks fabulous. He looks gorgeous all the time, but the sight of him in my clothes—there’s an intimacy to it that’s threatening to wreck my composure.

Breathtaking. That’s what he is.

Even now, in this old jumper of mine. It stretches over his broad shoulders, hugs his chest, in just the right way. The colour brings out the blue of his eyes.

I want him to keep it.

I know that’s stupid. But I don’t wear it and the thought of Snow having something of mine—something that brushes against his skin, that soaks in the scent of him, that is tangibly my own and now his--that’s tantalizing, I must admit.

I’ll make sure he takes it with him when he goes.

Fuck.

I don’t want him to go.

But what reason do I have to convince him to stay once we get answers from Nicodemus? None, really.

Not unless I can find a way to draw it out. Keep the truce going through the winter break. Make him stay by my side as we puzzle this mystery out.

Entice him with more of Daphne’s cooking? That actually might work. He’d certainly not stay for me.

Snow’s voice interrupts my fantasies of toasting New Year’s Eve with him at my side. “So what’re we going to do then? Just drive around until what, dinner time?”

My tone is sharper than I intend when I answer. “No, you berk, we’ve got research to do.”

Simon

So now we’re at the British Library. I’ve never seen so many books in one place. Entire floors of them. Galleries full. It’s a world of books.

Baz is striding around as if he owns the place, pulling books off the shelves, foraging through catalogues, going up on tiptoe to reach the higher racks.

I’m following behind, carrying books. I can barely see over the towering pile he’s burdened me with. “Can I put these down somewhere? Nab a table for us or something?”

Baz frowns, places two more books on the stack in my arms, then narrows his eyes at me. “You’d have to stay at the table, to make sure the librarian doesn’t reshelve them while I keep looking.”

“It would be a treat to stop following you around like your own personal book Sherpa.”

I think Baz almost smiled. His lips quirked up and it wasn’t a sneer for once.

“Fine, Snow. Your Sherpa duties are suspended. Find a quiet spot, and I’ll join you in a bit.”

There’s precious few people here besides us.

I suppose most people don’t willingly spend their Christmas holiday in a library. Baz looks as if he couldn’t be happier. It’s odd to see him so . . . well, maybe content is the right word? He’s more at ease here, almost smiling to himself as he pulls books out, carefully flipping through them, and then putting them back on the shelf. I think he actually patted one a moment ago, before setting it aside.

I can’t help but think of how similar he is to Penny. They’re both absolutely gone when it comes to books. Can’t get enough of them. I’ve been to Penny’s house before—I’ve seen how she gets when her mother brings home a load of new books.

Baz has that same gleam in his eye right now. But softer somehow, like his edges have been smoothed a bit.

Merlin, maybe the trick to getting him to soften up is to surround him with books. Distract him from his plotting to end me.

Although he’s not done much scheming since our truce. I haven’t had that feeling from him at all. It’s odd. Unnerving in a way.

I kind of like it.

Which is bollocks, because as soon as we’ve figured things out everything will go back to how it was. Stinging comments. Dirty looks. Spats about the window, the bathroom, the smell of my magic, my dismal inadequacies as a mage—all the miserable interactions we usually have.

Baz joins me a short time later, a tower of books in his arms. He pushes one pile toward me and keeps the other for himself.

“Any mention of vampires, Snow. That’s what we’re after. Get to it.”

And with that he buries his nose in the book he’s holding and it’s research time.

Bloody hell. He is just like Penny.

We leave an hour later with our stash on the table slightly diminished. Baz has pocketed at least three of the books and he’s ignoring my outraged looks.

“You can’t take those,” I hiss at him.

“It’s the British Library, Snow. It’s meant for all of us.”

“To read the books, you privileged prat, not steal them.”

“I’m not stealing. I’m borrowing. That’s what libraries are for, in case you’ve conveniently forgotten, Snow.”

“So you’re telling me you’ll bring them back, then?”

“I’m not a barbarian.”

“I’m sure you’re breaking some law.”

“It’s our tax dollars at work on the upkeep here, Snow. And I highly doubt they’ll miss them.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“You’re overly self-righteous. It’s tedious.” He turns and raises one eyebrow. “Come along, now. We’ve not got all day.”

My stomach rumbles as we make our way to where Baz parked his car (illegally, I might add) (he spelled the no parking sign invisible, the wanker.)

I hope our next stop is dinner.

It’s not.

Our next stop is the fucking British Museum.

The Reading Room to be exact. Baz pilfers a few more books. I end up arguing with him again. He’s trying to get me to hide one of them under my jumper.

“Listen. You can’t just do this. You can’t just take those books.”

“I told you, it’s research.”

“it’s treason, is what it is.”

“Are you going to tell the Queen, Snow?”

I huff and make him steal his own books. I’ll not be party to theft against the Crown, for Merlin’s sake.

The museum closes and we wander around until my stomach rumbles loudly again. Baz rolls his eyes.

“Well, I don’t see why the vampires get to have a meal before we go searching for them and we don’t,” I complain.

“Ugh, fine.” He waves an arm around the square. “Find a place. Just not a chippy. I don’t want to get grease stains on the books.”

“Oh, now you’re worried about the books.”

We find a place where I can get a curry and some samosas. Baz doesn’t order anything. He sits across from me, sucking on his fangs and flipping through the pages of some dusty leather tome—the one he was trying to get me to pilfer.

I expect this is why he’s never had a girlfriend. At least none that I’ve heard about. Can’t imagine many girls would be up for dates that involve library research, outright larceny and being ignored all through dinner. Not bloody likely, even if he is all posh and fit.

Baz slams the book shut, startling me just as I’m scooping up the last remnants of my tikka masala.

He stands up. “Come along, Snow.”

He’s out the door in an instant. I don’t know how he moves that fast.

I scramble to follow him outside. “Are we going after the vampires now, then?”

“Would you keep it down? I don’t need our business broadcast through all of Bloomsbury,” Baz hisses as he sweeps past me, heading down the street in the direction of the car (illegally parked again) (it’s getting to be a habit, this criminal activity of his.)

I buckle in and narrow my eyes at him. “So Covent Garden, then? That’s where she said they hang out?”

Baz glances at his watch (I swear to Merlin it’s a fucking Rolex). “Bloody hell. How can it only be eight o’clock?”

“What’s the problem? It’s dark out. The vampires should be on the prowl by now.”

I get another eye roll. The similarities between Baz and Penny are really starting to grate on me.

“No, Snow. They won’t start this early. It’ll be close to midnight before they’ve got easy pickings from the drunks heading home for the night.”

I frown at him and cross my arms over my chest. “How do you know this?”

Baz sighs. “I don’t know anything. It’s just conjecture. It’s sure to be a damn sight easier to lure someone into a dark alleyway late in the night, rather than when commuters are still crowding the streets and club goers are just heading out.” He meets my gaze, eyes grey as the winter sea, but lacking their usual spark. “It’s how predators work, Snow.” His shoulders sag as he leans back in his seat.

I think of all the times he slipped back into our room late in the night. I think about the hollowed-out rat corpses in the Catacombs. I think about the night I found him down there, fifth year.

I decide not to push Baz on this.

“So what’re we going to do now? Rob another library?”

That gets the flash back in his eyes as he directs a glare at me. “We’re going to go to the feeding grounds.”

That sounds sufficiently ominous.

It’s not what I expect.

It ends up Baz means the various dance clubs scattered around Covent Garden. The clubs that spill out drunk and boisterous revelers at all hours of the night. Revelers who need to catch buses or the tube or flag down taxis in the dark and twisty streets. Pretty girls who may not notice the unnaturally pale skin of their dance partners in the multi-colored strobe lights of a dance bar. Carousers who eagerly take the offer of a ride home from the bloke who’s been sitting next to them at the bar for the last few hours, making pleasant conversation about Arsenal.

Baz

There are a surprising number of people out and about in Covent Garden tonight, considering it’s Christmas Eve. It takes me an inordinately long time to find a parking spot. We could have walked from the restaurant, as Snow keeps unhelpfully reminding me, but I prefer to have the option of a quick getaway, should things turn ugly with the vampires.

This was probably a mistake, coming here with him.

Snow continues to badger me as we get out of the car. He’s far too hung up on this and I simply don’t have the patience for it.

“Crowley, Snow, it’s not like I spend all my time plotting your downfall. I do have a life that doesn’t revolve around you.” Not quite a lie but close enough.

“But dancing? You go dancing? You can’t be serious.”

I can’t believe this is what he’s fixated on. I give him a withering look. “It’s called having fun, Snow. Ever tried it?” I want to take the words back as soon as I see his face fall. Of course he hasn’t. His life has been an endless shuffling from care home to care home, except for when he’s at Watford where he spends any free time he has training as the Mage’s boy soldier—honing his skills as a weapon of destruction.

I feel like an absolute wanker. But I can’t take it back now. I can never take back anything I say to Snow. It stays there, written on both our souls in indelible ink.

Simon

“You can’t be serious,” I say. “I’m not going to a dance club.”

“Then you can sit in the car and wait, Snow.”

Well, I’ll be fucked if I let him go sneaking off on his own. I trot down the sidewalk after him. “Baz, this makes no sense.”

He whirls back to face me, the streetlights highlighting half his face, the rest of it shadowed. “Then let me explain it to you using small words. We go to the club. We watch for suspicious activity. When we see someone acting dodgy we follow them out.”

“But what if they’re… I mean, what if they’re...”

“Spit it out, Snow.”

“There’re dodgy people at clubs who aren’t vampires, is all I’m saying. They’re not the only ones who might be willing to get up to dubious behaviour in a back alley, if you get my meaning.” My face is hot. I can feel the heat rush all the way up to my ears.

Merlin, this is fucking awkward.

I can tell as soon as he realizes what I mean. His mouth drops open and his eyes widen. He schools his face rapidly and drops his eyes, making a show of adjusting his cuffs. “Well, we’ll try to make sure we don’t interrupt anything . . .”

He trails off.

“Right. Good luck with that.”

He squares his shoulders then lifts his gaze up to mine, eyebrows lowered, eyes hooded. “I trust that I’ll be able to recognize the difference.”

“You’d have to be bloody psychic.”

“Trust me, Snow, I’ll have a better clue than you will!” There’s a harshness to his tone and a pained expression on his face.

And now I’m the one making a realization. He can sense them. Or at least he thinks he can.

Has Baz ever met another vampire? Other than the ones that Turned him? Not like he actually met them, of bloody course. Doubt they bothered with introductions first.

So I don’t know if he’s ever come face to face with one since and I don’t quite dare ask him right at the moment.

I’ve got to get through this night with him. Antagonizing him isn’t the way to do it.

I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. But I do know one thing--I’m not letting him out of my sight, not with other vampires around.

“Fine. I’ll trust you on this, Baz. But so help me, I do not want to stumble onto some randy couple getting it on in a back alley!”

I don’t particularly want to blunder into a vampire feeding on a victim either but at least I’d know what to do in that situation.

“Point taken, Snow. I’ll try to ferret out the blood-sucking versus the cock-sucking before your delicate sensibilities and virgin eyes are irrevocably sullied.” He stomps away, still managing to look effortless and graceful, while I scurry in his wake.

“You are such a fucking arsehole.”

I follow him across the street to the club and isn’t it just typical that he bypasses the regular line to queue up at the VIP entrance.

The bouncer greets him like an old friend. “Ah, seems like it’s been ages since you’ve been here.” He peers over Baz’s shoulder at me. “Not your regular company tonight, eh? The boys off for the holiday?”

The boys? Oh. He must mean Dev and Niall. Seems Baz keeps company with his minions even when he’s away from Watford.  

“Unavoidably detained in the country,” Baz drawls, then slips the guy a tenner as he sweeps past him, motioning for me to follow.

I’m gobsmacked.

Baz has practically admitted he’s a vampire, but somehow the revelation that he frequents dance clubs is harder for me to fathom at the moment.  

“Shut your mouth, Snow. It makes you look far too thirsty. And I don’t mean for a drink. Someone will be whisking you into a back alley, if you don’t watch yourself.”

I sputter for an instant but I’ve got to keep my wits about me, because Baz is already striding toward the bar and I don’t want to lose him in the press of people.

He’s back, drinks in hand a moment later. I take the one he passes me and eye the glass dubiously. “I don’t drink, you know.”

I get a raised eyebrow. “Good to know you’re so virtuous, Snow.” He takes a sip from his own and gestures at my glass. “It’s soda water and lime, you utter berk. I’m not about to let either of us get muddled tonight. We’ve got to keep our wits about us, challenging as that may be for you.”

I take a cautious sip and relief floods through me at the bland taste of the soda water. I swallow the whole thing down.

“You’re a barbarian, Snow, really.”

“I’m thirsty is all. Those samosas were a mite salty.”

“Well, I’m not about to go get you another drink. That’s all I need tonight, you skiving off to the lav right when things get interesting.”

“Piss off.”

I turn away from him and take a moment to look around the club. I’ve never been to one before. It’s not the kind of place for a care home day trip.

The music is loud, the bass beat so intense I can feel it thumping through my chest. It’s early in the night but there are still masses of people here, hovering near the bar, gathered around high tables, pressed against each other on the dance floor.

I can’t say it fits with what I imagined, but I’ve never really thought much about places like this either.

I can honestly say I never imagined Baz at a dance club. I’m still a bit staggered at the thought.

I’ve lived with Baz for over seven years and I’ve somehow managed to discover more about him in the last twenty-four hours than in all that time before.

It’s unexpected. Everything about the last few weeks has been.

I move closer to Baz, going up on tiptoe so I can reach his ear. I probably don’t even need to bother, what with his vampire super senses, but I do it anyway. “So you weren’t kidding when you said you hang out at places like this? On a regular basis?”

I can’t tell if it’s the glow of the lights or if his face gets flushed at my question. He doesn’t turn to look at me and he doesn’t answer right away. I bump his shoulder lightly with mine, to encourage him.

He tilts his head down, bending close to my ear. I can smell his posh shampoo when he does. His hair is falling forward a bit, not quite as pristine as it was a few hours ago. It tickles my cheek.

“I wouldn’t go so far as to call it regular,” Baz says. I don’t expect him to say more after that but he does. “It gets quite boring in Hampshire over the summer.” He pauses and then I feel his breath against my skin as he continues. “It’s just a lark. Dev, Niall and I come up for the night on occasion, have a few drinks, a few laughs, burn off some energy dancing. For fun.”

I think about that. I think about Baz doing something for fun. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about Baz doing anything for entertainment--other than finding ways to humiliate or enrage me.

It makes me feel odd, to think of him here, standing under the flashing lights. Grinning at Dev and Niall, letting his face relax into something other than a sneer. Making his way to the dance floor, as graceful and fucking ruthless as he is on the pitch.

I can almost see it. See him swaying to the music, shirt partially unbuttoned, head tilted back, eyes closed as he moves to the beat.

It’s right warm in here.

I can feel a trickle of sweat trail its way down my back. I dart a glance at Baz, who looks as cool and collected as he did when we left Pitch Manor. He raises his glass to me and smirks.

My face heats up. I jiggle the ice in my glass and sip a few of the drops that have melted.

We stand, shoulder to shoulder, pressed together by the growing crush of bodies around us.

Everyone looks pale and washed out under these lights. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I don’t even know what a normal vampire looks like. I mean maybe they’re like goblins—fit buggers? Posh and fit, like Baz?

I’ve got no idea.

I don’t have much time to think about it. There’s a bloke standing right in front of us, all wavy blonde hair and tight jeans, with his silky shirt half unbuttoned. He’s smiling but it’s not at me. He’s only got eyes for Baz. I can’t quite catch what he says but Baz gives him a polite smile and a shake of his head.

The bloke shrugs and walks away, turning his head to wink at Baz before disappearing into the masses of people on the dance floor.

I’m whirling in Baz’s direction as soon as the guy shoves off. “Did he . . . did he just hit on you?”

Baz gives me a side-long look, then leans down so I can hear him. “It’s a dance club, Snow. He asked me to dance. It’s what people do here.”

I’m still reeling from that when a girl sidles up to Baz and starts batting her eyelashes at him, twirling a strand of her dark hair with one finger and going up on tiptoe to make herself heard. It also makes her lean forward and flash a bit more of her cleavage in his direction.

He gives her the same smile he gave the bloke and the same shake of his head. She darts her eyes at me and then back to Baz before resting her hand on his forearm and nodding in my direction. He shakes his head again but his smile’s gone this time.

I wish I’d heard what she said to him. I hope she’s not going to turn around and talk to me now.

I needn’t have worried. She’s off a moment later, without a backward glance.

I scan the people around us, take in the bodies moving on the dance floor, and then I pause for a moment to really look at Baz. To take in the sight of him, as if I were seeing him for the first time.

As if I didn’t know what an absolute prick he is.

He’s striking, with his grey eyes and his shiny dark hair. That aristocratic nose (I’m likely the only one that can see the bump on it) (I put it there.)

How he carries himself, the set of his shoulders, so self-assured. The way the fabric of his suit clings to him, hugs every curve, accentuating his long legs, his slim yet powerful build.

He’s breathtaking, if you don’t know him, isn’t he?

Baz shifts, breaking my concentration. He gazes down at his watch and tilts his head at me. I can see his lips move, mouthing the words “let’s go.”

Seems it’s time to hunt down some vampires.

I almost regret it, when we leave the club.

For a moment I could forget the rest of it. For a moment we were just two blokes having a night on the town together.

Baz

I don’t know how many times I’ve come to these clubs to exorcise Simon Snow from my brain. I don’t know how many times I’ve danced with faded copies of him, in a vain attempt to pretend he’s the one with me.

I finally have him here, at a club, within easy reach. Steps away from the dance floor and inches away from my arms and it’s nothing like my fantasies.

We’re not here together. Not really. We’re not even here as friends.

We’re here hunting vampires.

We’re searching for clues about my mother’s killer.

We’re here because we’ve been forced into this uneasy detente.

No more than that.

I look at my watch. It’s early yet but I can’t stand being here any longer.

Not like this.

Not when I can feel every beat of his heart, every thrum of blood in his veins, the heat of his body next to mine.

I can’t even let myself look at him, for fear he’ll see the yearning in my face.

I bump him with my elbow, just to savor that one brief instant of contact.

His eyes meet mine. “Let’s go,” I say and then I turn away.

#carry on #simon snow #baz pitch #snowbaz #gap filler fic #london #time between Fiona's and finding Nicodemus #dance clubs #covent garden #my fics #my writing

[thecrenellations]

Return of the Thief Notes, Part Two: The Book of Pheris, Volume 2, Chapters 1-5

Notes from my first read, October 2020. (Part One | Part Three | TaT)

Contents: Me losing my mind in multiple ways each chapter, helpful links, nighttime garden cousins, an Irene pun, notes from my second read, “mwt is just like going for it,” and “this is so fucked up and heartwarming.”

Format: Page number. My thoughts (Context?)

Volume 2

Illustration

Book 2 bro

Now we’re caught up and changed forever by lots of things

What printer’s apprentice made this?

Elephants!

Chapter 1

175. me too, Costis, me too. I am so tired. (it’s hard to sleep when your brain and heart and everything are fizzing because you’re reading Return of the Thief for the first time and a new Queen’s Thief book for the last time) 

176. Klimun + Gerosthenes vibes [moon doodle]

Holes in documents. That’s cute

Gen!!! <3

Wtf Ansel was hoodwinked!

177. The Queen waited

They’re ridiculous

Hi Pheris

Wtf he stole her earrings for Melheret?!?

178. Excuse me??? What is this book (sleeveless leather tunic)

He still roams!!!

Tattoos!

179. a sentence I never fucking expected to read ever “The absence of tattoos…”

180. that’s interesting

Stacked like kindling wow oh dear

181. She wants him to move in lol

Lol sorry Ion

Did she just want them to leave the room?

182. I can’t with this… I can’t. Why is sex symbol Relius canon. (the play that featured him! It’s great, it’s great, it was just a lot to take in!)

Silver crown?

183. Cleon! Rude!

Did they call Costis to deck him?

Queen scene!! <3

184. This is an epic. Abt Costis. Dirty stranger

185. he’s “the high king”

Lol

187. prophet (Pheris sure makes Costis sound like one)

Shut up Piloxides

188. resources for war! (book launch foreshadowing part two! She talked a lot about this kind of thing as well, and recommended the book Alexander the Great and the Logistics of the Macedonian Army)

189. “we”

What were you gonna say (Gen almost says something to Costis part one)

193. RIP The Magus Archives … it was not to be. Yet.

194. Melenze’s doorstep. Why? Bc Melenze is Ferria’s dog. (idk dude that line from ACoK has just never left me)

195. This is … a big war

196. Oh gen

Nighttime garden cousins.

Chapter 2

197. wtf did Relius think of that play

Also … not a peep from the sacred mountain huh

198. wtf will happen with Cleon

with Erondites

with THE MOUNTAIN

a lot going on

everyone was in that room but Kamet! So close!

199. Cute Fordad + Gen friendship (I never said these notes would make me look smart)

Same 2 T + R! :) It’s not them is it? (I NEVER SAID THESE NOTES WOULD MAKE ME LOOK SMART)

Poor Teleus

200. gdi Gen

Excuse me? Is he worried for Pheris??? (taking his tablet)

They trust each other! C’mon!

Sure he has reasons

202. oh dear. :( that’s … the worst cover story

Also falling

203. wow almost like a story huh

Ula’s altar :(

Why haven’t we had a Gen and Costis scene IN THREE BOOKS

205. I just … I don’t know if he’s just miserable or if it’s all a plan. I feel like I should know it’s all a plan. But he really feels like he has far to go. He’s just a mess and the same and so different. (having a small Gen meltdown)

205. he did give him the gun

Odd that he missed Quedue

206. he’s gonna bite them (buckle up! it’s abdication time!)

207. Power. Power. Power. Power.

Thx 4 the editorializing Pheris

208. Gen is making choices. That’s a choice.

209. There’s KoA down the drain

Aaaand he’s Eugenides

“Eugenides stared into the future”

The page of like 3 different tumblr posts: Trophy husband, Library, No! yes!

210. make sure he doesn’t leave lol

211. Pheris :(

Also fucked up timing for Irene

I love them

212. again with the birthday book

He’s still the king in the narration

Go on the roof! So close!

213. EUGENIDES IS ALWAYS APPROPRIATE my motto

Viper! Bastard!

Oh shit. I love them.

214. “our treaty” “our queen”

AAAH! Wedding night!

Asked her to leave!

Smash Erondites and peace out, literally

215. a frank talk

HE SAID IT.

216. The Bructs?

Wait is this his grandfather (taking a moment to remember all about Susa)

Also that’s Costis territory

217. who is this lion

218. #3 to Gen.

219. hmmm ring

There’s been a lot to unpack wow.

Did this happen, Pheris? Pheris?! 

220. Atté atté!

(Dear reader: for some strange reason, I completely forgot about taking notes on the final pages of this chapter. These notes are from when I reread those pages a few minutes later.)

Erondites full cup to brimming

The Pherises…

We must think of others before ourselves … occasionally

I do not like Orutus

Don’t fence Costis in! Does this count as prison? No (I had a square on my bingo board for “someone ends up in prison” ... but it turned out to be for someone else)

221. damn Costis

Aaah

Costis …

Irene… your jokes (I mean, it’s a joke, but also it is very real for her.)

SHE SAID IT!

My heart

222. where is Relius going?

SPYING

What you see and what you think it means (I love these instructions/this quote so much)

So are Susa + Erondites 2gether or what (listen ... proximity generates meaning in these books)

Also, like

What can

I say

WHAT CAN I SAY (Hell yeah! Never more glad to be wrong about the magus)

[page long list of doubles and parallels - from Cleons and Pherises and Ions to god-character and character-character connections]

Also the fact that in KoA and TaT Relius was like … oh … no … I just live a gentle life being friends with my king and queen and being scholarly. But no. He’s SPYING and TRAVELING MYSTERIOUSLY and has MANY LOVERS and also has been WITH TELEUS ALL ALONG and there is a PLAY written about him and he has a ~messenger~ network and PLAYS THE FLUTE and DOESN’T MAKE HIS BED and DISLIKES MATH and oh and he’s VERY HANDSOME! (Yes I was losing it, I hope my note from after the poem helps show some of the feelings behind this rant.)

Fucking … Wine shop. Should have known.

Chapter 3

224. ominous

Hello magus!

Sophos … babe (his impatience!)

225. Magus … cool your socks that’s your bff (he’s just describing Helen’s dead body! Fun!!!!)

In the van

That was good I love them

Why is it Couples Hour?

226. finally we’re out of the capital of Attolia

Ok they’re so cute

She was NEVER Helen in ACoK narration! 

Also – Pheris. This is all Pheris. (Pheris plus information others told him!)

227. Bringing each other up to date – that’s their thing. Talking forever

All this talk of shooting Therespides

228. EX FUCKING SCUSE ME (time to learn a lot about the country of Eddis)

He was 15! (or almost 15)

He didn’t know! Or did he!

The MoW!

All thru Pheris

Fuck you magus

When did he know

229. EXCUSE ME

The emeralds?

Assumed the worst?

That classic quote about little to do with winter but with “seducing other people’s lovers”

230. yeah Sophos that’s a lost cause (“spare me my blushes”)

Also she didn’t answer you

What are they laughing about (the generally nameless men we’re learning many things about this chapter)

233. Gen I think it’s fair to say that was a mistake

234. wtf Gen

GEN! he just. Had those. (the jewels!)

Her crown

I cannot

235. Gen!

237. Crash

Her CHANGES

238. THESE TWO

239. called annux

Yeah it’s like … a family meeting (the war council)

Bring your father to work day

241. Oh no.

Stenides! Boagus!!!!!!!

EDDIS!

Wolves! Lol

mwt is just like going for it

243. aww

Eddis > Boagus > Gen

244. Yeah I’m with her on this. (“if that doesn’t frighten you, it should”)

Chapter 4

245. Gen and Magus scene yes!

Two people affected by his long hair (Gen and the magus? I think?)

Pheris are you there?

Gen … you used to wish yourself out of existence

Wow

Hair vanity

Yeah also battlefield

Ion is a darling tbh

248. Is he. Is he going to fight all of them

Also they are all his cousins huh

AULUS! I liked you!

Same, Hilarion

Taking a page out of Costis’s book?

You have definitely seen it before. (I mistook his lie for truth!)

Will Costis hear about this? (please)

249. #4 to Gen!

Pheris where are you

Why doesn’t the Continent want to conquer them (do I get partial credit for this)

A tattoo!

250. “Do not offend the gods”

Honestly … too bad Helen DIDN’T do this

251. he said he’d give all he had

I’m sure there are rules

253. Just men? :( (let everybody fight him!)

Ornon is back! I mean, of course he is

Also yea they practice

HELLO ORNON

A house being built … or one knocked down. Nice

Is Teleus in on this?

254. Pheris called him my king!

255. I wanna know which guards though

:( he’d been faking

Kicked him in the head (ouch)

256. “when he fell”

I … don’t like this

He never gives up. The thieves don’t have limits. They have flash points.

Stepped on his hand

“Enough Gen” – what Irene said?

257. :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

The magus. I forgot he was there.

The magus said … nevermind …

The magus is probs very into this as a cultural thing. Also he was talking to the MoW

Pigeon. The sky. :( Like in TT (OH BOY, THE SKYYYY)

If there was a god, Pheris would see…

258. They’ve, they’ve been through a lot.

Oh god what’s next

259. I … no. not in his arms to the palace.

The palace where….

The stairs…

They are all 3 lookers. Basilisks and brass and lead

I hate this. But I love this.

I will someday see this differently.

Ah yes… the grunt. Approval.

260. Honestly, this is so fucked up and heartwarming. These books.

Lol don’t defend Hilarion, we know him

Eddis visits him.

Attolia watches him.

261.WTF Gen. I knew it. Why.

Crying or laughing? Crying? :(

How does this not undermine her now that he is her king?

But … what he wouldn’t do for her.

262. “he did fine”

This book is like… Reasons Gen Says Sorry

So, so… - Helen

GEN!

263. I am right. I am always right. It’s a curse.

Helen :( :( :(

The amount of times these people have seen him beaten.

He’s like … self destructive, but in a way that gives himself more power. Which he hates.

Gen, let them in. Let them in.

Chapter 5

264. honeycomb

OH NO. is it happening?

266. I’m just supposed to accept this?!! What does it mean?!

267. … a my king moment … important

But like … now can he fight?

Caryatid? [doodle after I looked it up]

268. Teleus!

C’mon Teleus. Everyone you love or respect loves him!

Honestly Pheris and Teleus … not a duo I expected

THESE TWO ARE SO DEDICATED TO TELLING HIM THAT! Ok I should chill. At least he said “may.” These are like … Pheris’s life lessons.

Honestly… I love that Teleus likes poetry, or at least likes it for Relius.

269. Lol Legarus. It’s been years! I mean, I guess that was a big deal for him… (almost being executed is a big deal for most people.)

Does he not love Gen because of Relius? Because Gen manipulated him? Because he keeps sending away his successor? Why on earth not! Hop on that train! (...)

It’s interesting that their relationship is the one that touches Pheris, not Gen and Irene. Hm.

Also … “Idiot.” The parallels.

“relatively gently” (it’s so good)

~Teleus here to talk about love~

This book is full of surprises.

270. That is NOT the bright side, Gen (“I could use my newfound authority to insist on going into battle”)

271. BUNNY! Wtf is a wineglass warrior

Very cute everyone, good job.

Still sad about Helen’s tears.

271. Gen. Don’t say these things. [volcano doodle]

272. SEE I was worried about this! The doubt!

I am not ok

This is TOO MANY Eddisian Revelations (Lader time)

Yeah. Wow.

273. Cleon x5

I … his grandfather

No.

Baby Helen begging

How did Pheris get this scene

Gen chose Cleon for his plan

275. IRENE WITH THE STATS!

276. lol Gen

My brother Sounis!

277. Missing Relius club.

Where is he though

Yes! Sophos Gen food fight!

Grapes!

“Wisdom”

He’s “the king” here and in KoA bc that’s the story but also that’s who he is to Pheris and Costis

278. So how did that Irene and MoW meeting go anyway?

How does Aulus know???

Thief short story! Probably terrible to reread, oh no

279. Are … are Aulus and Boagus together???! (“his slightly smaller partner”)

This feels … potentially traumatic … but fun? Idk

Fleece

280. This dang book. No rules!

The chandelier! So dramatic!

Mwt had … a lot to put into this one. A lot. A lot.

283. “not the Thief he was chasing”

284. The queens! The salute!

He can’t give this up.

Official Worries:

100,000 soldiers heading towards Kamet

Re: Lyopidus, Gen called Sophos his brother. Helen apparently might BE his sister. Temenus and Stenides are also going to a war where 9/10 will probably die.

Also

the MoW could have been a king if he’d stolen Helen’s throne. A lot there.

why does this book have the vibe of the library post, my comic from 2010, the king and queen interactions here, and the military tactics dream

#part twooo #word clouds next #the queen's thief #return of the thief #mwt #rott spoilers #return of the thief spoilers #something i

[eastonia-blog]

I’m going to do a weird.

I know a whole lot of us are stuck at home due to the COVID19 outbreak and all our respective governments attempting to flatten the curve. So I’m going to break out my VAST library of fanfiction recommendations for you to read! Please bear in mind that my tastes in fics are not necessarily like yours so the following 15 Fandom reccs might be hit or miss. All ships and above T ratings will be tagged with brackets, all crossovers will be mentioned in those same brackets. Also, if I mention it’s part of a series, I’m not just recommending the fic I mentioned, I’m recommending the whole series. I’ve tried to recommend a different author’s fic each time. So! Let’s start with the 3 fandoms I mention in my blog description.

1) ATLA Fate Deferred (Zutara) Aang remains in the iceberg ten years longer. Sozin’s comet comes, the world keeps turning with no Avatar to save it, and by the time he’s finally found by a waterbender and her Fire Nation husband, a lot has changed. [Zutara established relationship full series rewrite; Now on Book II: Earth]  Cheating at Pai Sho (Canon Divergence) “You said you were the Avatar!” “…I lied?” Aang doesn’t get rescued in episode two, and no one’s seen him go glowy yet… so he starts bluffing. Hard. Or: “The Avatar joins Zuko’s quest to find the Avatar.” In which Zuko doesn’t join the Gaang, the Gaang joins Zuko.  The Undying Fire: Blood and Fire (First in the Undying Fire Series, eventual Zutara) Book 1. In which rescuing the Avatar from Pohuai Stronghold doesn’t end so well. It’s a tough life being a banished prince trying to get home, especially when the Avatar just wants to be your friend and keeps making everything confusing. Oh, and did Zuko mention he somehow healed the kid? Yeah, that happened. Stalking Zuko (First in the Stalking Zuko Series, eventual Zutara) Katara has developed a new hobby. At the Western Air Temple she takes to stalking Zuko. Much silliness and shenanigans follow. In chapter 20: Katara and Zuko return home to the others. Katara hates the F word and she comes to a decision regarding Zuko.  Embers (Canon divergence) Dragon’s fire is not so easily extinguished; when Zuko rediscovers a lost firebending technique, shifting flames can shift the world…  2) Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Father (Percabeth in the GFFA, eventual Anidala) It all started with a wish, but because it was Percy Jackson it couldn’t have been a friendly goddess granting him a wish. No, it had to be Nemesis, goddess of revenge and balance. Now Percy and Annabeth are stuck in a strange new galaxy right when an ancient and powerful darkness finally begins to stir.  Glass Figures (MCU Mashup) I lifted my gun, pointing it towards the minefield of shattered fragments, and kicked the small coffee table out of the way.Only to stare down at an awfully familiar face, which split into a somewhat lopsided grin. The intruder raised his hands in a mocking surrender. //“Long time no see, dude.” //I lowered the gun. “What the hell are you doing in South Peru?” //Or in which Clint Barton and Percy Jackson have a long personal history that starts in high school. All Together, Cousins (Canon divergence) When Thalia ran away with her toddler brother, Jason, she slowly gathered her cousins: she and her cousins being Big Three children. As Jason gets older and their motley group expands to six, Thalia resigns herself to the fact that she won’t always be the leader of the pack. As she accepts that, something more is coming, able to challenge even the gods above. A Crown of Golden Leaves (Historical AU) Annabeth, a Lady from the declining polis of Athens, must marry the Heir Apparent of Rome to save the rapidly expanding world from a threat even the gods couldn’t foresee.  Deluge (Percy in the Arrowverse) Barry has to deal with yet another Metahuman that Zoom has pitted against him. But this ‘Metahuman’ is an unwilling pawn in Zoom’s plan and really wants to find a way around killing the Scarlet Speester. But how can he when Zoom is holding something against him? 

3) DC Firework (First in the Sparks in the Dark Series) Orphaned and removed from the only life he’s ever known, Dick feels like there’s no light left for him in the world. His new benefactor, however, still sees something worth saving… Chronological beginning of the Spark in the Dark series.   Iron, Fire, Mirror-Glass After a brutal confrontation with Bane, Bruce comes away with a broken spine and the certainty that his days as Batman are over. An unexpected discovery offers him another chance—but at what price? The story of a man who risks his soul for the sake of his mission, the dangerous creature he names Robin, and the unlikely partnership that will shape the legend of Gotham’s Dark Knight.  Get Back Up There was a mole, one who played a long game. The team was betrayed, crushed. Robin nearly died. What are they going to do now? Only one chirped the answer. Get back up. WARNING: lots of talking, little action, many follow ups  Five Times …Five times Damian thought of Dick Grayson as his father, and the one time Dick thought of Damian as his son. Future-fic. YJ characters will show up later. Batman!Dick and Damian as Robin. With guest appearances from Jason, Tim, Cass, and Steph.  Unveiling the Mystery Series of one-shots about the team learning a little about Robin (Dick Grayson).   With all the fics, I heavily suggest you also read what else these authors have to offer in their archive.

And now here’s the plethora of other fandoms I read fics in under the cut!

4) Harry Potter The Horse (Mature) Looking after a Muggle animal should be easy compared to saving Hogwarts from Voldemort. Harry and Draco might disagree with that. Featuring Luna, Marauders, peppermints and, of course, a tall, black, badtempered horse named Simon. The Potions Master’s Nephew An accident occurs and Professor Snape finds himself trapped in his fifteen-year-old body. Enrolled into Harry Potter’s fifth year, he is forced to hide his true identity. Girls, drama and teenage angst do not bode well with Severus. Keeping Up with the Grangers (Dramione, Mature) Mr. Malfoy, I invite you and your mother to tea next Tuesday, May 25th at 2o’clock to discuss recent events. Dr. Helen Granger //…  …// He glances at the boxy too-uniform numbers flashing on the face of Richard’s radio. It’s nearly noon, and he should be getting ready to leave; but there is still a harsh tension in his shoulders and neck that he wants to work out before Hermione finds him. It is, after all, Tuesday; and while his Tuesdays were designated ‘tea with Helen’ days previously, they are now ‘lunch with Granger’ days, ever since the chance meet-up with the Weasel’s wife and the insufferable swot herself. Faceless (Dramione, Mature) New year. New love. New threat. A powerful enemy is on the rise, and Hermione Granger finds herself intertwined in a relationship with Draco Malfoy – only she doesn’t know it’s him. / / RUNNER-UP: Enchanted Awards Summer 2017 for Best Relationship Development 

5) Devil May Cry And the Rest is Silence (Mature) The destruction of the Saviour wasn’t the end. Too many people had too much invested.  An Uncle’s Thoughts Dante’s thoughts and feelings regarding one particular quarter-demon kid. Vignettes that span from the start of Devil May Cry 4 through Devil May Cry 5, and beyond. Fortuna’s Fool Events after DMC5 with flashbacks to the events we briefly see in DMC4SE only with Vergil telling Dante all about Nero’s mother. Family ties are so complicated, aren’t they? Family of Happenstance Some orphans have happy endings, getting adopted or finding their family. Having a demon slaying half devil for a father tends to throw a tiny monkey wrench in the process. AU Father!Dante, Son!Nero. Rated because hunters don’t exactly have clean mouths.     

6) Power Rangers (Focus on Might Morphin’ and Dino Thunder teams) Of Love and Bunnies Set just after Dino Thunder. When Angel Grove announces another Power Rangers Day, Tommy takes the Dino Rangers to Angel Grove for a reunion with the original team… including Kimberly. TommyKim, JasonTrini, KiraTrent. The Reason (Part 1 of eclyptyk neo‘s Dino Thunder AU) COMPLETED. DT. AU. Years go by as Tommy Oliver becomes accustomed to his job as a teacher. A person from his past returns. The new ranger team grows interested in its outcome. How will these new changes between rangers young and old be? Sequel: Ordinary World Change of Hearts (Wild Force)   PRWF: When Jindrax and Toxica set out to find themselves, they had no idea that their greatest adventure was only beginning. Chronology Conundrum DT/MMPR - After a strange mutation is released in Reefside, the five Dino Thunder Ranges find themselves thrown back into the past, circa 1995 Angel Grove. Somehow, they have to figure out how to make it back to their present without destroying it or themselves. And if they succeed, they must navigate the consequences of their actions in the past, while still protecting Reefside. 7) Merlin (Mergana leaning) The Other Version of Events What if Merlin and Arthur had met when they were children? What if a mysterious illness fell over Ealdor and Merlin was blamed? What if Arthur had actually felt sorry for him? What if destiny was thrown at them in a whole new way? AU, no slash, Bromance, A/G M/M… You get the idea.  Flipping the Coin, Part 2 of Coins (2nd story in the Coins Sage but 1st multichapter) Merlin and Gwaine are sent on an adventure to discover their past and stay one step ahead of Morgana. Fearing for them, Arthur and the other knights set out to find them, but soon discover much more than they bargained for. Alt version Season 5. Sequel to “Two Sides of the Coin” Angst, Adventure, BAMF, Bromance, Redemption, Twists on Arthurian Legends.  The King’s Legacy “I hope you are rolling in your grave brother, I will find your son, and I hope he is like you. I will ruin him and gain a lovely weapon in the process.” Cenred spat on the grave, “I win Balinor.” .Sequel posted.  The Warlock’s Quickening (First in the Albion Cycle) Merlin might have come to Camelot to master his magic, not to end the Purge, but he’s not going to sit idly by while his kin suffer. Oh no. Whether it’s releasing a chained dragon, smuggling sorcerers out of the city, or trying to change Arthur’s mind, he’s fighting back. Now. Series rewrite beginning after 1X02 featuring Proactive!Merlin. AU. 

8) Dragon Ball Under the Radar (Gohan/Videl) Gohan is living life as a secret superhero, but Videl is making it her business to find him out! How will Gohan manage her and Saiyan hormones? Will he fess up? Or will he try to live his life -puts on sunglasses- “Under the Radar”? *applause* Thank you! Thank you! And GOODNIGHT! G/V obviously. Rated T because adult situations and language in later chapters. COMPLETE! Golden God (Mature) To save the lives of millions, Gohan is forced to expose himself as a Super Saiyan, proving that his tricks are indeed very real. And it drives the whole world to insanity. Warning; becomes a little graphic goes as it on. Walking Towards the Sunset Bardock’s curse sends him to a mysterious place where weaklings are abundant and an odd trio claim to be his family. Eventually giving in, he stays with them to discover that Earth is more unlucky than Planet Vegeta. Impatiently waiting for his son’s arrival, Bardock has to survive a new life with his estranged family and a certain girl set on finding the truth. (Saiyaman-Buu Saga) Plus One (Gohan/Videl, Mature) Tired of being pursued by the gold-digging, glory-seeking, Satan obsessed freaks of the world, Videl will resort to the only method open to a celebrity like her to find Mr. Right. 9) Sailor Moon (Mainly SenshiShitennou) The Crystal Age (Rewritten) In an alternate version of Season 1, as a result of Beryl’s curse at the end of the Silver Age, Tuxedo Mask and the reincarnated Shitennou are fighting a losing battle to save the city and find the lost princess. Sailor Moon has disappeared, Sailor V is working on her own, and the other Senshi are still just ordinary girls. Sequel to The Silver Age. MxU, SxS. Please R&R. Hooligans It’s after Galaxia and time for University. The Senshi and Mamoru settle into life in Great Britain and meet some old friends. Inner Senshi x Shitennou and Usagi x Mamoru. Modern Timeline. Strong language, crude humour, hilarity and sexual situations abound, be warned, there will be some heavy angst later on too. Never Gone R A single choice can change the course of Fate: a choice, say, like waking up on time. If that choice were made, Chiba Mamoru would never meet Tsukino Usagi; but, he WOULD meet Unami Seiya and the burden of Terra’s future would fall onto his shoulders. Never Gone AU. The Dinner Hour (Part of The Dinner Series) It can be hard to be patient in the face of eternity. But good things come to those who search and refuse to give up on their dreams. R/J. (Sequels: Dinner And Again, Dinner at Last completed!)

10) Les Miserables (Warning: Enjonine ahead) When Apollo Met Persephone (1st of the 1830s AU) The revolution, or at least the first part of it succeeds. Enjolras confronts political and personal realities. Eponine is suddenly faced with more opportunities than she ever thought. Can they guide each other in a world that needs them as much as they need it? Les Choses Qui Sont Arrivées Après “You must flee Paris at once.” Enjolras and Eponine. The thief and the leader, the marble Apollo and the dark street girl… two wholly different survivors of the Revolution are forced together under a dangerous circumstance. Can they successfully fight their demons as well as each other? Neither of them knows quite what is going on, or what will happen when they figure it out.     Teacher of Man The first time Enjolras and Éponine meet, it is their wedding day. (arranged marriage AU) My Best Friend’s Wedding Éponine Thenardiér always thought that Marius would eventually come back to her, until the wedding invitation came in the mail. Now she is going to do everything that she can to get him back from that blonde tart Cosette. Nothing goes according to plan and even her partner in crime Enjolras is becoming an obstacle. E/E. 11) Naruto Beginnings  Naruto was six years old when he met the man who changed his life. …Now he’s kind of just hoping he survives it.  An Inch of Gold (Part of the Legacy of Fire series) Team 7 is sent on a mission to investigate a disturbance outside of the village, where they encounter an unconscious girl in a crater. The mysterious Sarada insists she’s a shinobi from the Hidden Leaf trying to rescue her teammates. When the team discovers she possesses a Sharingan, things become even more unbelievable. [Part of the Legacy of Fire Series]     Guilt of Innocence Uchiha Sasuke abandoned Konoha in his persute of power to join Orochimaru. However, this was only a cover story. In fact, on Tsunade’s orders, Sasuke is to act as Konoha’s spy within Otogakure. One agreement and his path had changed forever…  Blind (SasuSaku) It was almost time, Orochimaru was going to take his body as a vessel. He hated being used…he refused to be used. With that thought, he took the kunai in his hand and slashed across his eyes.     

12) Legend of Zelda (Zelink) The Conviction to Save The princess is dead. Those are the words being whispered in the streets. A great shudder sweeps across the land of Hyrule as news of its beloved monarch’s passing spreads like wildfire. In the midst of the ensuing chaos, a humble village doctor happens upon the body of a gravely injured young woman on the road. Legend of the Miraculous (Concepts taken from Miraculous Ladybug)   A legend retold through many a tale, but when a darkness resurfaces after so long, Athena and Sheikhan Wolf must return again! Will Link and Zelda be able to combat this threat? and will they figure out each others’ identities? Come inside and take a look! Hit List AU. It all started as a typical day at Ordon High, until a sudden school shooting turns the life of Link Hero upside down. Now, surrounded by enemies, can Link save his friends and escape the school alive? (Edit 10/2015) Counting Stars Link finds himself caught in the middle of an elaborate gang war. Lucky for him, being a B-list superhero makes that predicament a tiny bit easier. / Modern AU ZeLink, inspired by Spider-Man. Under Revision! 13) Hunger Games Vox Libertas Due to things playing out a bit differently in the last few minutes of the Quell, the rescue also goes a bit differently than expected. Now Peeta has the responsibility of representing the Rebellion thrust upon him. No pressure. *AU Mockingjay. Part I of Dandelion in the Storm AU. Mainly Peeta POV.*     Someone To Watch Over Me (Everlark, 1st in the Series) A HG rewrite. What would happen if Peeta was just a little bit bolder, and Katniss a little less emotionally confused? You’d be surprised. Let the Games begin. This is an AU, but I’ve tried to stay as canon as possible. Rated T to be safe.     Enthralled (Everlark, Gadge, Mature) Thrall (þræll), n., a slave or serf in Viking Age Scandinavia. After a successful raid, Gale is rewarded with a slave girl: the Saxon noblewoman Madge. Meanwhile, shieldmaiden Katniss grows closer to captive monk Peeta. Gadge/Everlark historical AU with background Odesta and other pairings.   Katniss, Vampire Slayer (Mature) “Into every generation a slayer is born.” the man droned out slowly, quietly, in a way that made her think he was quoting something. “One girl in all the world. A chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer.” //  Haymitch mocked. “One girl in all the world. Ain’t I just lucky it had to be you.” 14) How To Train Your Dragon Becoming Lífþrasir (Hiccstrid) People often wondered what kept Hiccup going during those early years. When that single, most-treasured thing is taken from him, there is little left to keep him on Berk. The day Stoick returns, and the day before the best recruit is finally chosen, Hiccup leaves Berk; little knowing that he would one day return under … strange circumstances. H/A, R/F, rated for violence.     HTTYD Easter Special Sequel to “The Unholy Offspring,” set after the season finale. When Alvin the Treacherous threatens Asgard with a rogue demigod’s help, Hiccup and Berk’s Dragon Riders must prevent an early Ragnorak. It doesn’t help that Alvin has learned to tame dragons, and that the only god that can help Hiccup is a sullen, suspicious boy named Mud. Happy Eos week, Hiccup!     The Blacksmith’s Apprentice (Hiccstrid) AU. Hiccup never took the shot on that fateful night-and the war continued. Three years later, Berk is beset by dragon raids and hostile tribes while the boy who should have saved the island is merely the assistant in the forge. With only Astrid as his friend, fate gives Hiccup one more chance to end the war and become the hero he was meant to be. Hiccstrid. Snap (Hiccstrid, Mature) He was just supposed to fix her back, and she doubted that at first. She definitely didn’t expect to get dragged into the ethics of a girlish crush. Modern AU. 15) Star Wars Double Agent Vader The one where Vader turned double agent for the Rebellion about three years after ROTS, and Leia is now his primary contact with the Rebellion. Or,  a man attempts to escape slavery by turning into one of his culture heroes, teaching his daughter how to do magic, killing people, and flower arranging. A New History During a heated battle, Dooku escaped into the past! Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker follow to stop him, but discover that Dooku went to the past where Obi-Wan is a young padawan to a very much alive Qui-Gon Jinn. Now, the two must go undercover to stop Dooku’s plans from coming to fruition in order to save not only the future, but also young Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn. Pulse AU for ROTS. As Padme’s life hangs in the balance on Mustafar, a stream of brilliant light causes Anakin to reconsider his choices. Jedi Shmi AU Shmi leaves Tatooine with Anakin and goes to the Jedi Temple.

#Stuff to do #while youre stuck inside #due to coronavirus #eastonia reccs #fanfiction recommendation

[haveamagicalday]

My 2019 reads

My top ten reads can be found here

4 Stars

All the Bad Apples by Moria Fowley-Doyle

Deena’s family is cursed. Any “rotten apple” in the family is doomed for a a tragic end. When Deena’s sister Mandy goes in search of the cause of the curse, Deena and friends go after her. This book alternates with stories from the past and present dealing with strong feminist themes throughout.

House of Salt and Sorrow by Eria A. Craig

A darker more horror story retelling of the 12 Dancing Princesses. Personally, I felt that connection to the original fairy tale was kinda weak and this could have been pitched as its own fairy tale. It was definitely creepy and kept you on your toes throughout.

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager

Riley Sager is becoming one of my favorite thriller authors but this one was probably my least favorite of his 3 books so far. Don’t get me wrong, it was still really good but while the twist was good, I figured it out fairly early on. I kept waiting for another twist that would blow me away but it never happened. Still, this was fun to read and I still stand by the 4 star rating.

Stepsister by Jennifer Donnelly

After Cinderella leaves with her prince, her stepsisters are left in shame. This story covers the stepsisters lives after happily ever after, and maybe they will get their happily ever after too. This book was sweet and creative. Isabelle, are evil stepsister, was a flawed character but still deeply likable. There was some magic and greek mythology woven in that really made this story stand out for me.

The Rest of the Story by Sarah Dessen

Sarah Dessen does it again in this heartfelt tale of a teenager trying to find her place in the world. Emma Saylor’s mother was an addict and now that she’s gone, Emma only has her stories to remember her by. So where does Emma’s life fit in to these stories and how does the story end?

Magic for Liars by Sarah Gailey

A non witch detective is called in to a high school for the magically gifted to solve a gruesome murder. This was a fun and unique read. It plays out like a typical mystery but the added element of a modern day world with mages and a magic boarding school made it it's own thing. I would actually love to read a series in this world as it was well built and intriguing. A big strength of this novel was I actually was interested in the main character's storyline as I was with the mystery. Sometimes with mysteries, the main character is just there to solve the mystery and nothing more. This was not the case for this book.

The Window by Amelia Brunskill

Jess’s twin sister is dead. She fell out their window one tragic night. But what was Anna doing sneaking out of their window? In this thrilling and emotional book, Jess discovers some of her twin’s secrets and sets out to learn what really happened that fateful night.

The Fork, the Witch, and the Worm by Christopher Paolini 

A fun short read that brought me back to my middle school years. Eragon holds a special place in my heart and this was a welcome return to the world. It hints at more in the future and I'm excited to see were this story will continue to go. I will admit though that I preferred the in between chapters with Eragon than the short stories themselves. The Urgal story was probably the best but it seems like Paolini is setting up for another full sized novel in the series and it really had nothing to do with the story at all. Still, it was enjoyable!

The Dark Days Deceit by Alison Goodman

A satisfying ending to the Lady Helen trilogy. There was a twist about the main villain that I honestly would have hated in any other book but it worked so well in this one. I’m going to miss this fun series.

3.5 Stars

Echo North by Joanna Ruth Meyer

Echo North is a retelling of East of the Sun and West of the Moon. This one had its deviations but was more of straight retelling of the fairytale. There are two parts to this book. The first one is about 280 pages and the last part is the last 120 pages. I think I would have preferred if they were an equal length. The first part could have been shorter and the second part could have been longer. There was a lot of interesting content in the second part that I would have loved to explore more. Still, this was a lovely read and a good retelling of the popular fairytale

Here There Are Monsters by Amelinda Berube

Skye is our main character. A high school girl that moved to a new town and just wants to be normal, maybe even date her cute neighbor? What stands in her way is her 13 year old sister Dierdre. Deirdre is weird, she’s creepy and she refuses to grow up. And now she is missing. All in all, I thought this was a worthwhile and exciting read. While I was personally left a tad disappointed in the direction it took, I know there are a lot of others that will absolutely love it. And the strength of the first half and the themes it deals with, is enough for me to recommend it! Read my full review here.

The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden

Based on Russian mythology and lore. This is a perfect fairy tale to read on a cold winter night. The characters are well developed and the conflict is subtle. It's a slow build up but never felt boring at all.

Two Can Keep a Secret by Karen M. McManus

For the most part, I really enjoyed this book! It was quick paced and kept you guessing. However, while I didn't think the ending was predictable, I did think it was a bit cliched. I was surprised by the twist but but it still felt cheesy. The rest of the book was really solid though. There were plenty of red herrings that kept you guessing and it was an enjoyable read with good characters. I liked that this one only had two main characters as opposed to One of Us Is Lying had the four but if I had to pick one though I would say One of Us Is Lying is the stronger book.

3 Stars

The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale

A retelling of the fairytale of the same name. It was such a sweet story! I thought that Ani/Isi's transformation and growth throughout the story was very well done. The romance was put on the back burner but I didn't mind. It was cute but a little rushed too. It was also very obvious who Geric really was but I don't think it was suppose to be this amazing twist or anything so I didn't mind. I liked the added elements that Hale put into the fairytale. Ani's wind talking ability was a great addition whereas in the fairy tale, she just talks to the wind and it’s never explained why. It stuck to the fairy tale very closely and I really enjoyed reading it.

Imaginary Girls by Nova Ren Suma

Chloe lives with her older sister Ruby, the girl everybody wants to be. But when a night of fun with Ruby goes wrong, Chloe is taken to live with her father, leaving Ruby behind. But Ruby will do anything to get her sister back and make things right for her. This was a strange book. I read it quickly because I wanted to know what was going on but the ending just left me more confused. I don't understand what the point of any of this was? However, the writing was beautiful and I loved the creepy and hazy atmosphere.

Teeth in the Mist by Dawn Kurtagich

This was pitched as a Faust retelling but I found little connection between it? I loved the Dead House by Kurtagich but her next book was a disappointment for me. While this one was better, I was still left wanting more. It’s strange that the story in the past is the main one, whereas the one in the present is done through transcribed video recordings and journal entries. Honestly, she probably could have done away with the story set in the present. I think many would like this book but it just wasn’t for me.

Twice Dead by Caitlin Seal

Naya lives in a world where necromancy is common, but the wraiths they come back are treated as second class citizens. When a solo trading mission goes wrong, Naya awakens to find herself the very thing she always found disgust in. Wholly creative with lots of twists, this was a strong debut novel.

Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo

I read Bardugo’s series of short stories A Language of Thorns last year and absolutely loved it. I was...surprised this was written by the same person. It was a very basic YA novel with a love triangle and super special main character. I think I would have enjoyed this a lot more if I had read it as a younger teen.

Truly Devious/The Vanishing Stair by Maureen Johnson

I went into this book expecting a lot of murder and creepy riddles left behind. That's not exactly what I got though. This book was just a tad bit too slowly paced. The murder doesn't happen until a little after the half way mark so the first half of the book felt unnecessary. I feel like 100 pages or so could have been chopped. What I really liked was the mystery behind the school that happened in the 1930s. For me that was the strongest part and I'm more interested in that than the modern day mystery. Which was sort of solved by the end anyway? I think there's more to it but if not it's rather underwhelming. Overall though, I enjoyed the book and the sequel was enjoyable too. Oh, and I need to set the record straight, there's a line in the sequel where someone mentions that the country bear jamboree doesn't have a movie based on it... but it does!!!

Hidden Pieces by Paula Stokes

Embry is the town hero for saving a homeless guy from a fire at an abandoned hotel late one night. But what would the town think if they knew she was the one who started the fire in the first place? Now Embry is receiving notes from someone who knows what she did. Now she must choose between letting the truth get out or given in to her mysterious tormentor’s demands. Hidden Pieces was a fairly solid mystery but it bordered on unrealistic at most times. Still, it was definitely a page turner.

Dumplin’ by Julie Murphy

This is one of those rare cases where I found that the movie was better than the book. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a good book but the movie fine tuned it a lot. The book was surprisingly long and the movie cut out some unnecessary stuff. I was surprised that there was two love interests in the book and I honestly preferred the one that was cut from the film. He was a much better fit for Willowdean and Bo in the book was much more of a jerk who was initially put off by being seen with Willowdean. The fight that Willowdean and her best friend have was much bigger and more dramatic and Ellen was actually pretty nasty throughout it. The movie definitely fleshed out these characters in a much softer light. The relationship with her mother was also much sweeter in the movie than in the book. It felt kind of emotionless and less inspirational here.

Pretty Dead Girls by Monica Murphy 

Popular girls are turning up dead and our main character, Penelope, fears she may be next. I went into this expecting more serious take on Scream Queens. I read this back in September and I honestly don’t remember much other than the characters barely reacted to their classmates/friends deaths and the murderer was impossible to guess and was utterly lame. If the killer has to explain their motives with brand new information that was not found anywhere else in the book, it’s not a good twist. 

The Twisted Ones by T. Kingfisher

This had a lot of potential and I know a lot of people have loved it but it fell flat for me in some places. The book is based on and sort of a sequel to the short story The White People. You definitely need to have read the short story first or this will make zero sense to you. Our main character, Mouse, spends much of the first third of the book cleaning out a hoarder’s house. It gets very tedious but picks up pace when the Twisted Ones are introduced. There are some good moments of tension but Mouse tends to ruin these moments attempting to be funny (which she’s not). The White People works best as a type of horror that is never truly explained but this book does just that. It’s at this point that the book lost me again. I think it’s mostly a matter of taste but I just wasn’t in to it. 

Five Dark Fates by Kendare Blake

I loved this series as a whole but I did not like the ending. Mostly because my least favorite characters ended up as the “winners”. That’s all I’ll say about that.

The Invited by Jennifer McMahon

Helen and Nate decide to leave their cozy life behind to build (literally build) their own little house in a small superstitious town. Problem is, the land they’ve bought is where Hattie Breckenridge a women accused and murdered for witchcraft, lived a hundred years ago. This reads more like a murder thriller that just happens to have ghosts in it than a true ghost story. There were some great twists but it was slow in some places. Like learning about all the ins and outs of what goes into constructing your own house from scratch. Helen and Nate also suffer some martial problems, brought on by the ghost, that just made me anxious and probably wasn’t necessary. I know it adds to the drama and suspense but ugh.

The Best Lies by Sarah Lyu

There’s a murder. There’s a mystery. But that’s not really what this book is about. Remy’s boyfriend is dead and her best friend Elise is the one who killed him. But it was self defense. Probably. The majority of the book takes place in flashbacks starting with Remy and Elise meeting and becoming friends. What starts as a normal friendship slowly turns into a toxic and emotionally abusive codependent relationship. Ultimately, that’s what the book is about. It’s honestly a fantastic portrayal. It’s toxic on both sides but you understand why they care about each other and stay friends. Not all toxic relationships end with a death though and perhaps this would have packed more of a punch had our main character came to some conclusions about her best friend in another way.

Winterwood by Shea Ernshaw

Nora is a Walker and Walkers are witches. How do I know this? Because she mentions it every other page. For the most part this book was enjoyable but extremely predictable. I would still pick up the next book this author writes though.

2 Stars

The Dead Queens Club by Hannah Capin

A modern day retelling about Henry and his 6 wives but this time they are high schoolers. The story is narrated by Annie “Cleaves” Marek, Henry’s fourth wife girlfriend.  I'm pretty much assuming everybody knows about Henry and his 6 wives at this point. So where the book really lost me was at the half way point where it turns into a murder mystery type book. If you know your history, you know who did the murder in this book. So the murder mystery angle doesn't work here, The characters don't know for sure, but we the readers do. It becomes somewhat tedious honestly. Our main character also sucked. Cleves was your typical quirky girl. She says witty things that really aren't witty. She claims to be a hardcore feminist but demonstrates this by kind scolding Henry when he says something sexist...and that's about it. This book was entertaining enough to keep me reading but I had my problems with it. Especially the second half. I think there are some people that will really like this spoofy tongue in check retelling but it just wasn't for me. You can read my full review here.

Wilder Girls by Rory Power

Let me just start by saying that I don't get the hype for this book. It’s an interesting concept but this book just did not work for me. It's somehow not long enough but nothing really happens throughout. The girls were not very "wild" and I don't know what the point of any of this was. This book has been called "feminist horror" and I don't understand that at all. The tox didn't empower them in any way and there wasn't any feminist themes throughout. The gore/body horror was minimal and not very creepy or disgusting at all. Overall, this book was not for me.

The Missing Season by Gillian French

Our lead character moves to a small town where kids go missing every year. The adults find logical reasons for these disappearances but the children of the town believe it is a monster named The Mumbler taking them. Interesting concept that wasn't fully realized. Nothing happens in this book until the last 20 pages. there's no build up or clues that led up to the big twist in the end. When the climax finally happens, it's over within ten pages and then the book ends another ten pages later. Minor plot points lead to nothing and the mumbler was barely played up to make this book suspenseful.

The Babysitter’s Coven by Kate Williams

Adventures in babysitting meets Buffy. Sorta. I went into this super excited and was hoping for something akin to Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. I did not get that. This reads more like a middle school book and was overly cheesy. I think younger teens would enjoy but I wasn’t a fan.

How She Died, How I Lived by Mary Crockett 

Kyle texted five girls one night. Only one responded and met up with him. He killed her that night. Our unnamed narrator was one of the girls who didn’t answer his text and now she’s dealing with the aftermath of knowing it could have been her. f this book had ended differently, I would have rated it higher. I had major issues with the romance. The narrator starts a relationship with the slain girl’s boyfriend and it was so insanely toxic though it was written to be romantic.

Rereads

Keeping the Moon by Sarah Dessen (5 stars)

Just Listen by Sarah Dessen (5 Stars)

Gemma Doyle trilogy by Libba Bray (5 Stars)

Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins (5 Stars)

Heartless by Marissa Meyer (4 Stars)

The Beautiful Ones by Silvia Moreno-Garcia (5 Stars)

The Refrigerator Monologues by Catherynne M. Valente (5 Stars)

Short Stories

The White People by Arthur Machen (2 stars)

I like the story itself but the way it was written was horrendous and hard to follow. It was a huge rambling block of text.

Bridal Boot Camp by Meg Cabot (4 Stars)

The Grownup by Gillian Flynn (5 Stars)

#books #non disney #my post #book reviews #book review #literature #ya lit #all the bad apples #echo north #house of salt and sorrow #lock every door #the dark days deciet #stepsister #the rest of the story #sarah dessen #magic for liars #the fork the witch and the worm #the window #the goose girl #twice dead #the best lies #five dark fates #two can keep a secret #here there are monsters

[addictedforbooksquad]

P I C K (S)  O F  T H E  M O N T H: A P R I L

The Bride Test by Helen Hoang

London Celebrities series by Lucy Parker

Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson

Meet Cute by Helen Hunting

Wicked Beautiful by J.T. Geissinger

Unmarriageable by Soniah Kamal

The Bride Test by Helen Hoang

Genres: Romance, Contemporary, New Adult

Synopsis:

Khai Diep has no feelings. Well, he feels irritation when people move his things or contentment when ledgers balance down to the penny, but not big, important emotions—like grief. And love. He thinks he’s defective. His family knows better—that his autism means he just processes emotions differently. When he steadfastly avoids relationships, his mother takes matters into her own hands and returns to Vietnam to find him the perfect bride. As a mixed-race girl living in the slums of Ho Chi Minh City, Esme Tran has always felt out of place. When the opportunity arises to come to America and meet a potential husband, she can’t turn it down, thinking this could be the break her family needs. Seducing Khai, however, doesn’t go as planned. Esme’s lessons in love seem to be working…but only on herself. She’s hopelessly smitten with a man who’s convinced he can never return her affection. With Esme’s time in the United States dwindling, Khai is forced to understand he’s been wrong all along. And there’s more than one way to love.

Why we love it:

Esme and her journey and growth throughout the book

diverse and well-written characters

romance and love story that builds up slowly

intriguing side characters that we want more of!

Trigger warnings: mentions of xenophobia and racism

London Celebrities series by Lucy Parker

Genres: Romance, Contemporary, New Adult

Synopsis:

This just in: romance takes center stage as West End theatre's Richard Troy steps out with none other than castmate Elaine Graham Richard Troy used to be the hottest actor in London, but the only thing firing up lately is his temper. We all love to love a bad boy, but Richard's antics have made him Enemy Number One, breaking the hearts of fans across the city. Have the tides turned? Has English rose Lainie Graham made him into a new man? Sources say the mismatched pair has been spotted at multiple events, arm in arm and hip to hip. From fits of jealousy to longing looks and heated whispers, onlookers are stunned by this blooming romance. Could the rumors be right? Could this unlikely romance be the real thing? Or are these gifted stage actors playing us all?

Why we love it:

book series full of our favourite tropes like enemies to lovers and fake dating

yet so refreshingly non-cliché

sharp writing, witty dialogues, layered characters

focus on characters’ individual storylines as well as on romance

no “love fixes everything” trope

realistic approach to sex in smut scenes

makes you giddy and happy as you read it

Trigger warnings: sexual assault (book 1), mentions of suicide (book 1), mentions of sexism/misogyny

Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson

Genres: Fantasy, High Fantasy, Adult

Synopsis:

This is the story of two sisters, who happen to be princesses. Theirs is a world in which those who die in glory return as gods to live confined to a pantheon in Hallandren's capital city. A world transformed by a power based on an essence known as breath. Using magic is arduous as breath can only be collected one unit at a time.

Why we love it:

interesting magic system

Lightsong is one of the funniest characters ever

Viviena has a beautiful arc and it takes her in unexpected places

soft character that is super powerful

mysterious and engaging

political intrigue

Trigger warnings: violence, gore

Meet Cute by Helen Hunting

Genres: Romance, Contemporary, New Adult

Synopsis:

Talk about an embarrassing introduction. On her first day of law school, Kailyn ran - quite literally - into the actor she crushed on as a teenager, ending with him sprawled on top of her. Mortified to discover the Daxton Hughes was also a student in her class, her embarrassment over their meet-cute quickly turned into a friendship she never expected. Of course, she never saw his betrayal coming either... Now, eight years later, Dax is in her office asking for legal advice. Despite her anger, Kailyn can't help feeling sorry for the devastated man who just became sole guardian to his thirteen-year-old sister. But when her boss gets wind of Kailyn's new celebrity client, there's even more at stake than Dax's custody issues: if she gets Dax to work at their firm, she'll be promoted to partner. The more time Kailyn spends with Dax and his sister, the more she starts to feel like a family, and the more she realizes the chemistry they had all those years ago is as fresh as ever. But will they be able to forgive the mistakes of the past, or will one betrayal lead to another?

Why we love it:

romantic comedy style

enemies to lovers trope, our fave!

relatable characters that develop through the story

light and funny story

very much a lovely read

Trigger warnings: mentions of depression, minor character death

Wicked Beautiful by J.T. Geissinger

Genres: Romance, Contemporary, New Adult

Synopsis:

A ruthless businesswoman and the playboy who dumped her long ago find themselves embroiled in a high stakes game of love, lies and revenge. Life coach and best-selling author Victoria Price has it all: a successful career, fabulous friends, a fantastic penthouse in Manhattan. What she doesn’t have—and doesn’t want—is a husband. Fifteen years ago her high school flame broke her heart so badly she swore she’d never love again. Now she makes millions teaching other women how to be just like her: a ruthless bitch. Drop-dead sexy restauranteur and infamous playboy Parker Maxwell has only three rules for the women he dates: no questions about his past, no expectations for the future, and no spending the night. When he meets Victoria, however, he’s willing to break his own rules if it means sating the explosive desire she arouses in him. What he doesn’t know is that the alluring Victoria Price used to be the mousy Isabel Diaz, the girl he deflowered and dumped long ago. Presented with a perfect opportunity for revenge, Victoria decides the game is on. But when her connection with Parker proves more than just skin deep, she has to make a choice: continue with her plan for payback, or risk her career, her reputation, and her heart by taking a second chance on love?

Why we love it:

Lovers to enemies trope

second chance at love trope

interesting pairing - ruthless woman and “playboy” man

overall this entire series is worth reading

Trigger warnings: n/a

Unmarriageable by Soniah Kamal

Genres: Retellings, Romance, Contemporary, Adult

Synopsis:

In this one-of-a-kind retelling of Pride and Prejudice set in modern-day Pakistan, Alys Binat has sworn never to marry--until an encounter with one Mr. Darsee at a wedding makes her reconsider.

A scandal and vicious rumor concerning the Binat family have destroyed their fortune and prospects for desirable marriages, but Alys, the second and most practical of the five Binat daughters, has found happiness teaching English literature to schoolgirls. Knowing that many of her students won't make it to graduation before dropping out to marry and have children, Alys teaches them about Jane Austen and her other literary heroes and hopes to inspire the girls to dream of more.

When an invitation arrives to the biggest wedding their small town has seen in years, Mrs. Binat, certain that their luck is about to change, excitedly sets to work preparing her daughters to fish for rich, eligible bachelors. On the first night of the festivities, Alys's lovely older sister, Jena, catches the eye of Fahad "Bungles" Bingla, the wildly successful—and single—entrepreneur. But Bungles's friend Valentine Darsee is clearly unimpressed by the Binat family. Alys accidentally overhears his unflattering assessment of her and quickly dismisses him and his snobbish ways. As the days of lavish wedding parties unfold, the Binats wait breathlessly to see if Jena will land a proposal—and Alys begins to realize that Darsee's brusque manner may be hiding a very different man from the one she saw at first glance.

Told with wry wit and colorful prose, Unmarriageable is a charming update on Jane Austen's beloved novel and an exhilarating exploration of love, marriage, class, and sisterhood.

Why we love it:

Pakistani version of Pride and Prejudice

interesting characters

storytelling is lit!

it tackles issues women face in Pakistani society

calls out misogyny

Trigger warnings: n/a

#book recs #dailylit #nadaily #bookworm #bibliophile #books #warbreaker #the bride test #london celebrities series #meet cute #unmarriageable #wicked beautiful #wicked games series #pick of the month

[a-man-for-hire-and-his-archives]

Ready for lift-off

Espionage thriller Summer of Rockets is the first screen work from acclaimed writer/director Stephen Poliakoff to draw on his own life, set in 1958 at the height of the Cold War. He and executive producer Helen Flint talk to DQ about merging fact and fiction.

As a writer and director for the screen over the past four decades, Stephen Poliakoff has been behind work that has amassed numerous Bafta, Emmy, Golden Globe and Peabody awards. The playwright, who learned his craft in the theatre, counts series and films such as Perfect Strangers, The Lost Prince, Friends & Crocodiles, Gideon’s Daughter, Joe’s Palace and Capturing Mary, as well as recent dramas Dancing on the Edge and Close to the Enemy, among his extensive credits.

Yet for all his fascination with the past – among many examples, Dancing on the Edge trails a black jazz group in 1930s London and Close to the Enemy is set in the aftermath of the Second World War – his latest series is the first to draw on his own family and life experiences.

Written and directed by Poliakoff, Summer of Rockets is a semi-autobiographical drama set during 1958, a year that marked the height of the Cold War as fear and suspicion clashed with the start of the mobile revolution and the Space Race. It was also the last time debutants were presented to the Queen at Buckingham Palace and the year of the Notting Hill riots in West London.

Stephen Poliakoff, writer and director of Summer of Rockets, pictured during filming

Poliakoff says the fact it is partly based on his own life marks Summer of Rockets out as “significantly different” from anything he’s done for the screen before.

“My first real memories are from this time – I was five in 1958 – so I could feel, even as a small child, the apprehension in the air, the feel of nuclear war,” he says. “The Russians were the enemy and yet I was half-Russian, so that made me feel an extraordinary sense isolation as a child. I was also sent to boarding school, as we see in the story, and was the only Jewish boy there. That was why I was drawn to this time.

“There’s a lot of resonance for us now, as Russia again seems to be our enemy and there is also unfortunately, tragically, anti-Semitism in Europe and it’s coming back to the UK. Well, it never goes away. But above all, it was a sense of the absolute epicentre of the Cold War; the fact nobody could be trusted, especially if they were foreigners.”

Another parallel between that period and today, he notes, is the “humiliation” of the Suez Crisis in 1958, which left Britain “a laughing stock” on the world stage. “Things have happened since I’ve written the piece and we’ve become a laughing stock for very different reasons, with people harking back to a sense of our past glories, which also plays a part in the story,” Poliakoff says. “This is not a story about Brexit or a metaphor for it, but nevertheless there are resonances in the piece.”

Toby Stephens (Black Sails) stars as Samuel Petrukhin, a Russian Jewish émigré modelled on Poliakoff’s father Alexander, an inventor and designer of hearing aids, whose clients include former UK prime minister Winston Churchill. The series also focuses on Samuel’s wife, Miriam (Lucy Cohu), and their children, Hannah (Lily Sacofsky) and Sasha (Toby Woolf). In the show, having developed a new paging system for hospitals, Samuel is is approached by the UK’s domestic intelligence agency MI5 to demonstrate his work.

Set in 1958, the series stars Toby Stephens as Samuel, who is based on Poliakoff’s father

However, it’s not his inventions the agency (led by Mark Bonnar’s mysterious Field) is interested in but his fledging friendship with MP Richard Shaw (Linus Roache) and his wife Kathleen (Keeley Hawes), who also introduce him to Lord Arthur Wellington (Timothy Spall). As Samuel’s life becomes intertwined with his mission, he is left to question how far he is willing to let things unravel for his cause and who he can trust.

It was Poliakoff’s discovery that his father had been suspected of bugging Churchill’s hearing aid, a revelation he first heard when a journalist contacted him about newly released government papers in 2007, that sparked the story behind Summer of Rockets,

“It took me a long time to think about writing it because it meant revisiting my youth and a very traumatic time at boarding school,” he says. “I also tend to write slightly away from my immediate family experience because I find it easier to invent like that. But, after quite a considerable while, because the story kept haunting me, I broached it to the BBC.”

His father’s work, he explains, is truthfully reflected in the story by his hearing aids business, the deaf workers he employs in the factory and his invention of the paging system, which he created for St Thomas’ Hospital in London.

“But I always saw that as a jumping-off point for Keeley’s side of the story,” Poliakoff continues. “My father was besotted with everything English; he was a real anglophile. He was a Russian Jew but he wanted to be an English gentleman, so there’s the story of him being involved in this English upper-class family who have their own darkness and trauma hidden away in a magnificent house. They have charm and grace, they entertain people, but this covers a deep unhappiness.

“My father would have loved to have been entertained in such a house, so that was what led me from that jumping-off point for the fictitious side of the story, but it’s based on the sort of things my father loved and was attracted to by English life and aspired to. The story curve shows Samuel learning that he doesn’t want to be the perfect English gentleman.”

Bodyguard and The Durrells star Keeley Hawes plays Samuel’s wife,  Miriam Richard’s wife, Kathleen

Through the first episode, the story is laid bare against the backdrop of rockets being launched and rising anxiety over what might lie ahead, coupled with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder that stem from the still-raw fallout of the Second World War. Samuel’s technological achievements also shine a light on how industry was set to move forward rapidly over the next decade.

“When you have six hours of television drama, it’s a big canvas. The joy of longform is that you can build a complex world and you can delve deeper into character than you can in a two-hour movie,” Poliakoff says. “It’s great to try to be ambitious when you’re given that length of screen time.”

Helen Flint, MD of Little Island Productions and Poliakoff’s long-time producing partner, admits the writer’s outlines need very little development as they are often fully formed, “very detailed and very ambitious” by the time she becomes involved.

“The thing is to identify where and how you’re actually going to make it happen,” she says. “Both of us have been around far too long. Therefore, between us and the heads of department, we can work out how to put this on the screen, which is our craft.”

With all of Poliakoff’s work filmed on location, the first task on Summer of Rockets was to find the house belonging to Richard and Kathleen Shaw, which is a constant presence during all six episodes. They eventually settled on Benington Lordship, a grand setting close to Stevenage, 35 miles north of London, which is notable for the Norman keep adjoining the 17th century house and expansive gardens.

Catastrophe’s Mark Bonnar plays the head of MI5

“The other important thing was when to film it, because getting lucky with sunshine in this country is not a given – so the schedule is everything,” Flint says.

Finding London streets that could double for the time period also proved problematic, with the slums of Notting Hill in 1958 far removed from the affluent neighbourhood it is today. Another set piece saw a queue of 1950s cars lined up along The Mall, leading to Buckingham Palace, which was filmed early in the morning to avoid the crowds of tourists usually occupying the area.

“It takes a huge amount of work, more work than anybody would imagine, weeks and weeks, and then huge amounts in post-production just to paint out silly lines and stuff like that,” Flint says of filming in London. “After that, it’s all of the countryside, the driving [scenes] and the minutiae. But because we’ve got a cast that is working all the time, we have to try to jigsaw them all in, which is very complicated at certain points. Once you have those actors, the schedule is dictated by that. Then other problems come to the fore because if they’re not available, you can’t do the locations. London exteriors are the hardest, and then piecing it together is a massive jigsaw.”

In some cases, however, the reality on which some of the series is based was too extreme to be dramatised. Poliakoff decided to tone down scenes where Sasha is at boarding school, as his own experiences at school were too “draconian” to be depicted exactly as he remembered.

Summer of Rockets debuts on BBC2 tomorrow

“When I started writing it, I realised it had to be more interesting and more inventive than the actual thing I experienced, which in reality was relentlessly grim,” he says. “A little bit of that was fine, but I didn’t think an audience would stand for that being repeated in each scene. So, oddly enough, the bit that was closest to reality was the most difficult to write.”

The series sees Poliakoff reunited with Stephens, who starred in his 2001 family reunion drama Perfect Strangers, while this was his first time working with Hawes despite having known her since she was just 19. “She starred in my wife Sandy Welch’s adaptation of Our Mutual Friend 20 years ago,” he recalls of the actor, who has recently starred in Line of Duty, The Durrells and Bodyguard. “I’ve known her for some time and we’ve always wanted to work together. She’s phenomenal in her role, which is a really very juicy role, so I’m thrilled. I think she gives one of her greatest performances.”

Following Summer of Rockets’ launch on UK pubcaster BBC2 tomorrow, all six episodes will be made available on the pubcaster’s VoD platform iPlayer. The drama is distributed internationally by BBC Studios. “‘Bingeable’ is not the prettiest word but, actually, I think my work was born to be binged,” Poliakoff notes. “People over the years have always told me they’ve sat down to watch something like Perfect Strangers, which is only four hours long. They tend to watch the first part and then they’re there four hours later.

“So I very much hope the story has that effect. It does have quite a powerful story that gathers and evolves and changes. It’s great for people to watch it in a linear way or in an immersive way. Either way, I hope people will really get into it.” - Michael Pickard (Drama Quarterly)

#toby stephens #this writer got wrong with kelsey's name #it is kathleen not miriam lol #jeez #summer of rockets #interview

[sophieakatz]

Thursday Thoughts: What if Abraham Refused to Sacrifice Isaac?

I’ve been watching Xena: Warrior Princess with my boyfriend, and enjoying it a lot. Xena and Gabrielle’s adventures mostly focus on Greek mythology, taking new spins on the stories of Hercules, King Sisyphus, and Helen of Troy. However, on a few occasions, I’ve seen my own people’s mythos played with.

In one episode, it’s ultimately revealed that the mysterious chest Xena’s been chasing contains within it a stone tablet with the phrases “thou shalt not steal” and “thou shalt not covet” on it – though the people Xena returns the chest to are never said to be Jewish, that is the natural conclusion.

And in a later episode, titled “Altared States,” Xena comes across a family facing a conundrum. A father has been ordered by his god, “the one true god,” to sacrifice his son.

Now, the son’s name is Icus, not Isaac. And he has a nasty older brother who gives the story a heaping spoonful of Cain-and-Abel/Jacob-and-Esau vibes. And there’s a lot of ambiguity about which of this god’s commands are actually divine, or are a human pretending to be a god.

But the basic structure remains: an ostensibly benevolent god tells his devoted follower, a patriarch, to sacrifice the son he loves. The climax even takes place on top of a mountain, on a stone altar. And – spoiler alert – at the last minute, the god relents and the son is spared.

This episode got me thinking about a question I saw posed in an online discussion of Torah a couple years ago, but hadn’t thought much on since:

What if Abraham had refused to sacrifice Isaac? If he had defied G-d, how might that change both this specific story and the way we think about religion?

In case you aren’t familiar with the story of the almost-sacrifice of Isaac, here is a very short version (based on the Torah translation found here): 

G-d tells Abraham, “Take your son, whom you love, and offer him to me as a burnt offering.” And Abraham goes to do so.

Along the way up the mountain, Isaac notices the lack of a lamb for the sacrifice. He asks his father about it, and Abraham replies, “G-d will provide a lamb.”

Abraham and Isaac set up the altar for the sacrifice. Abraham ties Isaac up and reaches for the knife.

Suddenly, an angel calls out for Abraham to stop: “Do not harm the boy, for now I know that you fear G-d… and G-d has sworn that because you did not withhold your son from me, He will bless you and your descendants.”

And then a ram shows up and Abraham sacrifices the ram instead of his son.

Every story in the Torah serves as an allegory, from which we derive lessons for how to live our life today. The moral of this particular story, at least as it was presented to me in Sunday School, is that we should put faith first. I was taught that G-d was testing Abraham, and that Abraham passed the test by being willing to do whatever G-d said, even kill his only son. We should therefore put faith above all else, even when it’s hard.

That’s the stance that Icus’s father takes in “Altared States.” Even though he is clearly torn apart inside by the decision, and both Icus’s mother and Xena are telling him not to go through with it, he is determined to show his son that “faith is [not] just for those times when it’s convenient to believe.”

But what if that wasn’t the moral? What if Abraham said no?

It wouldn’t be out of character for Abraham to disagree with G-d. In an earlier story, Abraham outright haggles with G-d about the fate of the people of Sodom and Gomorrah (Torah translation here). Abraham gets G-d to agree that if there are just ten righteous people living in the city, then He will spare them all. “Far be it from You to do such a thing,” says Abraham, “to kill the righteous with the wicked.”

In the case of Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham doesn’t just go along with what G-d says should happen. He tells G-d, “This is not who you are; this is what you should do instead.”

Arguing with G-d is practically a Jewish tradition. The name Israel literally refers to one who “wrestles with G-d” – it was given to Jacob, Abraham’s grandson, for fighting with an angel.

One of my favorite jokes is about three rabbis arguing about a law, one on one side and two on the other. Then G-d Himself comes down from heaven to declare that the one rabbi is correct – and the two rabbis reply, “Alright, so now it’s two against two.”

We respect G-d, of course. But we hold Him to the same standards as we hold ourselves: to be open to debate, to strive to improve, to be a good person.

The sacrifice of a child sounds more like the kind of thing a terrible warlike god would ask for, not the monotheistic G-d, who is generally portrayed as loving. At one point, in a moment of reluctance, Icus’s father cries out, “Our god is a benevolent master!” But he does not follow that train of thought to its logical conclusion: “So he wouldn’t, or shouldn’t, ask me to do this.”

In the Torah, Abraham doesn’t follow this train of thought, either. He doesn’t show any sign of thinking much about G-d’s demand at all. But he could have.

What if Abraham had responded to G-d’s order regarding Isaac in the same way as he responded to the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah? What if he had said, “Far be it from you to demand the life of an innocent child, the child you promised me!”? What if he had said, “I will sacrifice myself before I lay a hand on my own son!”? What if Abraham, lying on the altar himself with the knife poised towards his own neck, was then told by the angel to stop – because the real test was whether Abraham would do not the obedient thing, but the right thing?

It would change the moral. It would not be a story of thoughtless faith, but of morality, of sticking to one’s principles even when those who are supposed to guide you falter.

It would bring this story in line with the standard Jewish practice of questioning authority, of asking why, of finding a better way to live.

It also would line this story up with the rest of the Torah. Yes, it’s full of laws, especially in the last few books. But the first book, Genesis, the book where we find Abraham and Isaac, is full of people going against what is demanded or expected of them, by G-d or tradition.

G-d says that Abraham will have a son by Sarah; Sarah doesn’t believe that this will happen, so she encourages Abraham to have a son with her servant Hagar instead. Cain kills his brother and lies about it to G-d. Jacob deceives his father and steals the blessing intended for his brother Esau. Tamar disguises herself and sleeps with her father-in-law to create an heir for her dead husband. And right at the beginning is perhaps the most famous instance of disobedience of all time: Adam and Eve eat the fruit of the tree forbidden to them by G-d.

Sometimes the disobedience ends poorly. Adam and Eve are kicked out of Eden, for instance, and Cain is branded a murderer.

Other times, the Torah indicates that the disobedience is approved of by G-d. Jacob is decisively rewarded for sneaking away with Esau’s birthright, going on to literally father a nation. Tamar gives birth to twin sons, a big double-thumbs-up from G-d. Hagar learns that her son Ishmael will father a great nation of his own.

My point is that if Abraham had said no to G-d, and refused to kill Isaac, then he would be in excellent company. It would make Abraham’s behavior more like what we see in the rest of Genesis, and more like the rest of us Jews, too. We don’t always do what G-d says. And G-d seems to be more or less okay with that, as long as what we do results in a more just, peaceful, and prosperous world.

Which makes me wonder – do we actually have the “sacrifice of Isaac” all wrong?

What if G-d didn’t want Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?

Note that it is not G-d Himself who stops Abraham from killing Isaac, but an angel, who relays G-d’s message. At other times, even at the very beginning of this chapter, G-d is perfectly willing to show up and speak directly to Abraham. But in this instance, He has someone else go instead. Why is G-d, in this moment where he ostensibly approves so much of Abraham’s behavior, suddenly distancing Himself from Abraham?

Perhaps we have the test all wrong. Perhaps, by going along with what G-d commanded, Abraham failed the test – and now G-d is off hanging his head in shame.

Perhaps G-d was actually trying to see whether Abraham would continue to question G-d, as he did for Sodom and Gamorrah. Would Abraham stand up against G-d not only for strangers, but also for his own family?

Turns out, he wouldn’t.

And so G-d realized that Abraham was not yet ready to hear a message that perhaps we are now ready to understand: that sometimes disobedience is the right thing to do. Perhaps G-d wants us to protect each other first, and obey second.

#judaism #torah #genesis #abraham #isaac #sacrifice of isaac #thursday thoughts #analysis #d'var #dvar #d'var torah #dvar torah #social justice #xena #xena warrior princess #xena: warrior princess

[readingontheedge]

Dream Student

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Prequel

by J.J. DiBenedetto

Genre: Paranormal Mystery

   Sara Barnes has her life totally under control. All she has to worry about is college exams, Christmas shopping, applying to medical school--and what to do about the cute freshman who has a crush on her. And everything is going according to plan, until the night she starts dreaming other people's dreams.

It's bad enough that every night is a theater of her friends' and classmates' secret fantasies. Worse yet are the other dreams, the dark ones featuring a strange, terrifying man committing unspeakable crimes.

As the nightmares increase, Sara's life becomes a blur of waking and sleeping, of terror and urgency. Because if she was given this dream-sharing gift for a reason, it must be to stop the killer madman she's come to know all too well. But how can she stop him when she's just a student, and they're only dreams?

Dream Student

 is the thrilling prequel to the Dream Doctor Mysteries 

**Start the series FREE!!**

Goodreads * Books2Read 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21744678-dream-student

 www.books2read.com/DreamStudent 

Video Trailer:

https://youtu.be/BrwSz7Nw4F8?list=PLdLeszUG-JujXfj2uPS692TsIm1dfAlWl 

From Dream Student (book 0 prequel) – Sara’s first date with Brian

 And now here we are, outside the front door.  What to do?

Kiss him goodnight and go our separate ways for the evening?  Or does he come upstairs with me?  I’m calling the shots right now, that’s clear.  As confident as he’s been tonight, it only goes so far.  I know he wants to come upstairs, but I’m going to have to ask him.  There’s a part of him that’s still trying to grasp the fact that I obviously like him as much as he does me.  He’s not going to push his luck.  Unless I push first.

Well, what do I want to do?  It’s easy, it’s obvious, there’s no question what I want to do.  

Except, if I’m being completely honest, I have to admit I am just a little bit nervous myself.  If you told me last night that in less than twenty-four hours I’d be ready to go to bed with a guy I hadn’t even met yet, I’d have said you were crazy. But here we are and this is so completely not me, but at the same time it feels completely right.  

Besides, the truth is, unless I’m completely wrong about him we’re going to go upstairs sooner or later anyway.  It’s just a question of when if it doesn’t happen tonight.  

But right at this moment, what I decide feels so important.  This is going to sound totally ridiculous, but it feels like something out of a movie.  You know what I mean, that moment when the music softens and the romantic leads are in the spotlight and everything else is forgotten; the whole world stops except for them.

Dream Doctor

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 1

  Between adjusting to life as a newlywed and trying to survive the first month of medical school, Sara Alderson has a lot on her plate. She definitely doesn’t need to start visiting other people’s dreams again. Unfortunately for her, it’s happening anyway.

Every night, she sees a different person and a different dream. But every dreamer has one thing in common: they all hate Dr. Morris, the least popular professor in the medical school, and they’re all dreaming about seeing him – or making him – dead.

Once again, Sara finds herself in the role of unwilling witness to a murder before it happens. But this time, there are too many suspects to count, and it doesn’t help matters that she hates Dr. Morris every bit as much as any of his would-be murderers do. 

**only .99 cents!**

Goodreads * Books2Read 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43600711-dream-doctor

 www.books2read.com/DreamDoctor 

Video Trailer:

https://youtu.be/8U9IX1oJO9I?list=PLdLeszUG-JujXfj2uPS692TsIm1dfAlWl 

From Dream Doctor (book 1) – Sara gets (extremely) jealous

 “Get out of my room, you whore!”  I hear myself shouting at someone, but who?  There’s nobody here.  Brian’s in the shower, I can hear the water going.  And why would I call him a whore?  That makes no sense.

Not Brian.  I was dreaming.  I saw – God, I saw Barbara!  The woman who lives next door to us.  The married woman who lives next door to us.  I saw her dream.  And she was dreaming about seducing Brian.  “Whore” is far too good a word for her.

She's dreaming about my husband.  My husband! Who the hell does she think she is? She's got her own husband!  She should be dreaming about him, not Brian. Granted, I think her husband is an ass and I’m pretty sure she does too, but still.  She can't have mine!

This is very strange. I can't remember ever feeling jealous like this before.  But then again, before Brian I never had anybody worth being jealous over.  I know this is completely irrational.  I have nothing whatsoever to worry about.  I'm in his heart and I always will be.  Me and nobody else.  Especially if last night was anything to go by.  

Still, I’m going to keep a close eye on her.  And if she so much as puts a hand on him, I'll cut her heart out.  I know how to do it, too.   I’ve been reading ahead - the instructions are right there in Grant's Dissector. Page 75.  

I think I’ll mark the page with a post-it note.  Just in case.

Dream Child

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 2

 Dr. Sara Alderson can deal with eighty-hour workweeks as a resident at Children’s Hospital. Dealing with crises in the Emergency Room or the OR is second nature to her. But now she faces a challenge that all of her training and experience hasn’t prepared her for: Lizzie, her four-year-old daughter, has inherited her ability to see other people’s dreams. After Lizzie befriends a young boy on a trip to Washington, DC, and then wakes up in a panic that night because of a “bad funny dream,” Sara knows exactly what it means: her daughter is visiting the boy’s dreams. Complicating matters is the fact that the boy’s father is a Congressman, and he’s dreaming about a “scary man in a big black car” threatening his Daddy.  Unraveling a case of political corruption and blackmail would be hard enough for Sara under the best of circumstances. But when she has to view everything through the eyes of a toddler, it may be an impossible task. 

Goodreads * Books2Read 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43600716-dream-child

www.books2read.com/DreamChild 

Video Trailer: https://youtu.be/9huBwka1nv0?list=PLdLeszUG-JujXfj2uPS692TsIm1dfAlW  

From Dream Child (book 2) – Sara’s daughter shows off

 I follow her as she heads back to our seats.  Lizzie stops at the mother’s seat, where she’s finally noticed that her son is missing. Lizzie grabs the wrapped left arm and holds it up to the woman.  “Billy hurt himself.  I’m making him all better.  I’m all done except I need an inna-veeney.   I bet my Mommy has one, and then he’ll be all better.”  Lizzie is absolutely beaming with pride.

The mother is horrified. Helen has come over, and she’s equally appalled.  We all notice at the same moment spots of blood on the boy’s white shirt, and soaked through the toilet paper.  Lizzie is unfazed by all the attention.  “My Mommy is a doctor, and she makes people all better.  I watch her so I know what to do.  I’m a doctor too!”

“Lizzie, what did you do?” I’m the only adult who’s not ready to scream her head off.

“Billy hurt himself. The train made a big bounce and he got a cut,” she points at his left arm.  

“Right there,” Billy agrees, gesturing to the sharp-edged tray, unfolded from the back of the seat in front of where they’d been sitting.

“I know what to do, ‘cause I watch Mommy do it,” she repeats to the boy’s mother.  “We went to the potty, and I told Billy not to cry ‘cause I was gonna make him all better so he shouldn’t cry,” Lizzie explains.  “I closed the door ‘cause of privatecy, just like at the hospital ‘cause it’s private when you go to the doctor.  Then I washed my hands, and I used soap ‘cause Mommy says that’s what you do when you’re a doctor.”

The mother is calming down; Helen still looks appalled, though.  And several other passengers are listening, too; the young man who had to use the bathroom has decided to hold it in, apparently fascinated by Lizzie’s tale.

She’s got herself an audience now and she knows it.  She smiles brightly, making eye contact with each of her listeners in turn before she gets back to her story.  “He had blood ‘cause he got a cut.  I know what to do.  Mommy says you have to wash the cut place first, so I washed it with soap.  Billy cried a little, but I told him not to and I said if he was good he could have a lollipop when I was done.”  It takes all my self-control to keep from doubling over with laughter at that.

She goes on, “Then you have to bandaid up the cut, so I did that and I taped it with my stickers so it stayed.”  Indeed she did.  “I gave him the Mickey Mouse ones ‘cause he’s a boy.”  Perfectly logical.  “Now I’m all done ‘cept he needs his inna-veeney.”  I have no idea – oh, yes, I do.  I know exactly what she means, but looking at the blank expressions around me, I’m the only one who does.  

“Lizzie, honey, what’s an ‘inna-veeney?’” Helen asks, clearly afraid of the answer.  Lizzie gives her grandmother such a disdainful look that even my old professor Dr. Morris in his foulest mood would have approved of it.  

“You know!” she says with supreme impatience.  I’m going to have to talk to her – it’s not right for her to talk to her grandmother like that – but I can’t bring myself to stop her in the middle of her performance. “An inna-veeney!  You stick it in your arm, and there’s a big baggie with medicine and stuff and the stuff goes from the baggie into your arm and it makes you all better!  Mommy always has them in the hospital!”

Unbelievable. There is no way I was that smart at her age.  No way.

Dream Family

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 3

Dr. Sara Alderson didn’t think she had a problem in the world, when she walked into the office for her first day as a partner in her own medical practice. And then the police showed up and arrested her for a crime she couldn’t possibly have committed. Twenty four hours later, after a horrifying day and night in jail, Sara comes home a different – and completely broken – woman.

Clearing her name is her first challenge, but that’s nothing compared to the task of rebuilding her shattered psyche. And the only way she can do that is with the help of the supernatural dreams, the same dreams that have nearly cost Sara her sanity – and almost got her killed – in the past.

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From Dream Family (book 3) – Sara has serious trauma

 “Dad, don’t say it. You don’t have to.”

“Yes, I do, Sara. I know in my heart it wasn’t an accident.  And I also know it happened – he did it because whatever happened in those two days, it ate away at him until – until there wasn’t anything left inside.”    

Does he think that I’m like Uncle Albert?  Is that why he’s telling me all this?

He grabs my arms, turns me to face him.  “If I had kept at him, made him talk about it, maybe he could have worked through everything.  Maybe getting it out would have helped him keep hold of himself.  Maybe he wouldn’t have,” his voice finally breaks, “Sara, I don’t want to lose you the way I lost my brother.  I failed – everyone failed him.  I’m not going to fail you, too.”

“I’m not – Dad, I’m…” Does he really think I could ever – that I’m so far gone?  That my one night in jail compares with what happened to his brother?  To getting shot and seeing friends killed right in front of him?

“I know that more happened to you than we saw in the courtroom,” he’s gripping my arms tightly. “And I know that if you don’t talk about it, it’s going to – you will end up like Albert.  We’re not meant to carry things like that around inside us.  Nobody can do that, not for long.”

“What do you want from me?”  I’m fighting to keep my voice level.

“Talk about it. You don’t have to tell me or your mother.  But you’ve got a brother.  And a best friend who might as well be blood family.  And your husband.  You know how I feel about him.  If I could have picked out someone for you, I wouldn’t have dared to ask for someone half the man Brian is.  You have all these people in your life who love you.  You have to talk to someone, and you have to tell it all.  And I’m going to keep on you until you do.  I love you too much to lose you.”

He really does think I’m that far gone.  And the truth is, I’m afraid he’s right.

Waking Dream

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 4

 After nearly a decade of visiting other people’s dreams, Sara Alderson thought she had made peace with her supernatural gift. Until one night, while watching her husband dream, she saw someone else watching him, too: a mysterious woman in a red dress. The woman in red keeps appearing in the dreams of Sara’s husband and his co-workers. Sara doesn’t know if this mystery woman is trying to steal her husband, drive him mad or something even worse. All she does know is that now she has something she never imagined: a nemesis. And the only thing more dangerous than a nemesis who shares her ability to step into other people’s dreams, is one who knows far more about that ability and how to control it than Sara does.

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From Waking Dream (book 4) – Sara remembers her first kiss

 …This isn’t right.  Mom and Dad think that Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery are home.  They have no idea that Belinda and her brother Vince are home alone, and they definitely have no idea that Vince is throwing a party. I don’t know why I’m even here.  I don’t want to be at a party with a bunch of juniors and seniors I don’t even know.

We’re sitting in Belinda’s kitchen, just her and me.  “So how big is this party supposed to be?”

Belinda shrugs her shoulders.  “You know Vince.  It could be a hundred people.”  A hundred? Now I really don’t want to be here! But I don’t want to leave Belinda all alone.  She’s my best – my only close friend at school.  I can’t ditch out on her.

Here comes her brother now, with one of his friends, a short, stocky guy I think I’ve seen in the corridors at school.  They’re each carrying two cases of beer – I wonder which one of them has a fake ID, or maybe they got somebody to buy it for them? They set the beer down on the kitchen table right in front of us, and open one of the cases.  “Here you go, ladies,” Vince says, handing Belinda and me each a can.  I don’t want – I’ve never even had beer before!

But everyone else is opening theirs and toasting each other. I – I don’t have to, but Belinda’s my friend, right?  I open mine, salute them and take a sip.  I barely swallow it down without spitting it out; how does anybody drink this stuff? Belinda doesn’t like it much more than I do, but she forces her beer down, and I follow suit while the boys laugh at us.  

“Hey, Belle, why don’t you put out some food?”  She’s told me she hates being called Belle, but she’s not going to get her older brother to stop doing it anytime soon.  I go to help Belinda set out several bowls of chips, and then she goes up to her room to change.  That’s all I need – not only will I not know anybody, but I’m going to look like crap compared to everyone else.  I thought my sweater was cute, but I’m sure Belinda will be back downstairs in five minutes with an outfit that puts me to shame.

And I can’t even borrow anything from her – she’s only a couple of inches taller than me, but she’s at least three sizes bigger.  Oh, well.  As I watch her go up the stairs, I see something hanging from the ceiling at the foot of the staircase.  Mistletoe.

I start to wonder who hung it there when there’s a hand on my shoulder, and I turn to see Vince.  He’s not much taller than Belinda, but he seems bigger somehow, or maybe that’s just my imagination.  I can smell the beer on his breath; we’re only a few inches apart.  He’s looking up at the mistletoe, too.  He puts an arm around my waist and pulls me still closer. I let him; he is cute.  And I’ve never had an older guy show the slightest interest in me before.  Is this why he didn’t complain about Belinda inviting me?  Does he have a – a thing for me?

He’s leaning in towards me, coming closer.  I tilt my head up to meet him, I close my eyes, and I feel his face just an inch from mine, then his lips are touching mine, and – I – God!  I go limp, I don’t respond, but I don’t have to; his lips and his tongue are doing all the work – then from out of nowhere there’s a voice.  Belinda’s voice, loud and shrill: “Jesus, Sara!  Get your tongue out of my brother’s mouth!”  And then I feel her hands on my shoulders, pulling me away from Vince.

I don’t look at her; I run straight into the kitchen, grab my coat from the back of the chair, and I’m out the back door before anybody can say another word…   

Dream Reunion

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 5

 Dr. Sara Alderson is heading back to college for her ten-year class reunion. Her husband and two of her children are coming with her – and so are her supernatural dreams. One of her old classmates is becoming more frantic with every passing night. Sara can’t see his face, but she can see everything else in his dreams, and he’s coming closer and closer to committing a desperate act to try and save his business. Sara’s the only one who can save him, and his family – if she can figure out who he is and what he’s planning in time. 

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From Dream Reunion (book 5) – Sara has a very awkward conversation

 “Janet, it can’t be that bad,” I say, in my most soothing voice.  It doesn’t help one bit.

“Yes, it is!  I’m – I don’t know what to do!  I don’t know anything!”

I know she hasn’t had much of a love life, but this reaction is still bizarre.  “Janet, I told you yesterday.  You’re a doctor, you’ve handled everything life has thrown at you, and you’d be a great catch for any man.  What’s the problem?”

She doesn’t answer for a while.  She sits there, letting me hold her hands, staring at me with terrified eyes. Finally, she takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, opens them, and says, “He – he’s going to want me to come back to his apartment with him tonight.  I know he is.”  I knew that already.  I still don’t understand her terror.  “I – Sara, I – I haven’t – I – I’ve never – I…”

No.  That’s not possible.  She’s my age.  She’s thirty-three years old.  She can’t be saying what I think she’s saying.  Even if it does explain her nerves, and the dreams, perfectly. “Janet?”

“Sara, I’m – I’m a – I’ve never…”

As much as it sounds impossible, it has to be true.  And I should have realized it all along.  I just – I guess it just never entered my mind that she could be, even though the truth was staring me in the face.  And I can see why she feels like there isn’t anyone else she can tell.  Back in medical school, I was her closest friend; I helped her get through her mother’s death.  Who else would she ask?

 I squeeze her hands tightly, and I try to soften my tone, to put every ounce of compassion and understanding into it that I can.  Just like I would with my children.  Like I did with Grace, last Christmas.  “Janet, are you trying to tell me that you’re a virgin?”

She looks away from me sharply, casts her eyes down, but she doesn’t pull her hands out of my grasp. That’s a “yes.”

Something else hits me. This is exactly like Grace at Christmas. Janet wants – needs – answers from me. She needs “the talk.”  Having it with my eleven-year-old daughter was difficult enough.  I certainly never imagined I’d need to have it with one of my medical school classmates!

“Sara?”  Her tone is almost pleading.  “I – I know this is weird.  But there’s nobody else I trust to talk to.  And – I – I don’t know what to do.”  She laughs suddenly, almost hysterically.  “Of course I know what to do!  I’m a doctor, it’s not like I don’t know how all the parts work!  But…” 

Dream Home

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 6

  Dr. Sara Alderson thought she was securing her and her family’s future when she moved them to a small town in New York and took a job as Chief of Pediatrics at the local hospital. Unfortunately, things aren’t going quite according to plan. For one thing, she has enemies at work who resent her from the moment she sets foot in the hospital.

For another, she’s visiting the dreams of an old man who’s seeing nightly visions of a storm that will wipe out the entire town. He’s convinced that the visions are true – and as winter closes in, Sara is starting to think he might be right 

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From Dream Home (book 6) – Sara dreams about workplace problems

 Sara is in an office, probably on the second floor judging by the view of the parking lot outside.  Neither the office nor the view is familiar, but the man who’s occupying the office does stir memories. It’s definitely his dream; Sara is certain of that.

And he’s definitely familiar to her.  Sara recalls meeting him – or at least being introduced to him in passing – when she visited her new employer several weeks ago.  No name comes to mind, however.  I must have met the entire staff of the hospital, she mutters, shaking her head.  And I’m no good with names anyway.  

Whoever he is, he appears to be in a good mood.  Sara examines him more closely: he seems to be around her age, maybe a little older, but it’s hard to be sure.  He’s not very tall, only two or three inches taller than she is.  He wears a very unfashionable pair of glasses, and his white coat could use a wash.

At the moment, he’s staring at his various diplomas, occasionally reaching up to adjust one slightly.  After a few minutes and many tiny adjustments, he claps his hands together. “Perfect!  Just perfect,” he says with a bright smile.

Just then, there’s the screech of brakes, and Sara follows the man’s gaze out the window and down to the parking lot, where a sports car is turning, much too fast, into the lot.  It’s red, and although she won’t swear to it, Sara thinks it might be a Porsche. She and the dreamer watch as the car blasts around a corner and comes to a stop right in front of the main entrance to the hospital.

The driver’s door opens, and a high-heeled shoe emerges – three or maybe even four inches, Sara guesses.  A leg that’s bare to the knee follows it out, and then the other leg. When the rest of the driver is visible, Sara gasps: it’s her.

Not precisely her: even from this distance, Sara can tell that the woman down there is wearing more makeup than she’s ever had on in her life, and the woman’s suit is sharper than anything Sara’s ever worn.  But other than that, Sara is looking at herself. She laughs at the image: it’s a perfect stereotype of what someone who gets all their ideas from TV shows would think a big-city doctor might look like.  Showing up in an insanely expensive sports car, with a suit that probably cost $5,000 and shoes that belong on a model?  There’s nothing else to do but laugh – except that the dreamer, whoever he is, actually sees Sara that way.  

Dream-Sara disappears from view – presumably into the hospital - and the man begins muttering.  Sara listens closely, and it’s more cursing than muttering, and directed at her.  Fear – and anger – spread across the man’s face. “She wasn’t going to come!  Why is she here?”

Sara hears the clackety-clack of heels approaching, and a moment later the door is thrown open with excessive force.  Her dream-self stands there in the doorway, takes in the scene and turns her gaze onto the office’s occupant.  “You!  What’s your name?  Banks?” Sara can’t help herself: she’s both horrified and fascinated by this vision of herself.  

“Dr. Bates,” the man says, fighting to keep his voice level.

“Whatever,” the dream-Sara spits.  “You’re in my office.  Out!  And take all your crap with you!”  She heaves a deep sigh and then stalks past the dreamer – poor Dr. Bates – and up to his wall of carefully-hung diplomas.  Then she reaches up and begins pulling them off the wall, tossing them carelessly behind her.  “Things are going to change around her, Banks,” she says, not turning to look at him. “Things are going to change…”

Sara continues to watch, unable to look away, as the dream-Sara trashes Dr. Bates’ office, berating him all the while.  And as she watches, the meaning of this dream becomes crystal clear.  Oh, my God, she thinks, shuddering, I’m not even starting the job for four months!  How can I have an enemy already? 

Dream Vacation

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 7

  Thanks to her unique ability to step into other people's dreams, Dr. Sara Alderson has solved murders, unraveled conspiracies and saved lives. But when a crisis hits close to home, even her supernatural gift might not be enough to avert disaster. On a family vacation to Paris, Sara's fifteen-year-old daughter Grace disappears without a trace. The only way to find her is through Sara's dreams. But her gift has taken an unwanted vacation, and without it, Sara has no idea how to rescue Grace. In a foreign city, with no clues, and her dreaming talent failing her for the first time, Sara must figure out another way to find Grace before it's too late. 

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From Dream Vacation (book 7) – Sara’s daughter Grace runs away

 What’s going on?  I – I was sleeping, but there’s a sound. Banging, louder and louder.  And yelling.  It’s – oh, God.  It’s the door.  It’s Lizzie. She woke Brian up, too – he’s halfway to the door already.

Two steps later, with me right behind him, adjusting my pajamas as I go, he’s at the door.  He opens it and Lizzie runs inside immediately. “Mom!  Dad!  It’s Grace! She’s gone!”

What?  What did she say?  Grace?  Gone? That doesn’t make any sense.  How could she be gone?  They’re all in the room together, next door.  Where would Grace go?  How could she be gone and her siblings not notice it?

Brian’s as confused as I am. “Lizzie, what happened?”

“Grace!  She’s gone!  She even took her new boots with her!”  Lizzie’s grabbing my hand, pulling me back towards the door.  Her boots?

I feel my legs go out from under me suddenly and I have to grab onto the door to hold myself up.  My head is spinning.  I feel – I don’t even know – nauseous, for a start.  It all hits me: I know exactly what happened. If she took her boots – if she snuck out of the room – there’s only one thing she could be doing.

“How long has she been gone?”  I try to keep my voice level, but I don’t really succeed.

“I don’t know, Mom. She woke me up, just for a minute, and I thought she was going to the bathroom and I closed my eyes and I guess I fell right back asleep.  I didn’t look at the clock.  But then just now, I had to go, and she wasn’t in the bed.  And I saw her boots were missing.”  She blurts it all out without taking a breath, but she’s still managing to keep herself calmer than I am.

I glance at the clock: it’s 12:15 AM.  We got back a little before eleven.  Ben and Steffy were nearly asleep on their feet, and Lizzie wasn’t far behind them. So, say they actually got to sleep by a quarter after eleven.  Grace must have been pretending to sleep, and then as soon as she thought all her siblings were out for good, she made her move.  She probably waited at least fifteen minutes, and then after she disturbed Lizzie, she probably sat there in the bathroom for another fifteen minutes or so, just to be safe.  So she probably left the room half an hour ago.

“Brian, go down to the lobby, see if there’s anyone there.  Ask if they saw Grace.  And then go outside, maybe she had second thoughts but she’s afraid to come back up.” I turn to Lizzie.  “Did she take the room key?”  She shrugs.  Of course she didn’t look for that – she came to us immediately.  Exactly what she should have done.  “That’s OK, I’ll come and look in your room.”  Brian’s already got his shoes on; a moment later he’s out the door and halfway to the elevator.

Lizzie and I go back to the kids’ room.  The twins are still asleep; I can’t imagine how Lizzie didn’t wake them up.  Even without turning the lights on, I can see the room key on the table in between the two beds.  

Why didn’t she take it? How did she think she’d get back into the room without her siblings knowing, if she didn’t have the key?

There are only two answers. Either she just didn’t think at all, the same way she didn’t think about how she was going to get home from Coney Island with no money a couple of weeks ago.  Or she doesn’t plan on coming back. 

Fever Dream

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 8

   Dr. Sara Alderson isn’t used to her patients dying for no reason. When a young boy succumbs to a mysterious illness that defies all her efforts to treat it, she refuses to accept defeat.

After two months of questions, Sara has attracted the attention of powerful people who don’t want their secrets uncovered, and will go to any lengths to make sure they stay hidden. 

Now, time is running out for Sara to unravel the mystery before anyone else falls victim to the illness. And before her career, her family and her freedom are taken from her by enemies she doesn’t even know she has. 

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From Fever Dream (book 8) – Sara is losing a young patient

 This shouldn’t be happening.  I don’t understand it.  I haven’t had a patient like this in years – not since my first months of residency. Connie Marchetti brought her son to me three days ago because he couldn’t shake a cold, and now I’m fighting to keep him alive.

And I’m losing.

Two days ago, I sent out a full panel of blood tests, including several things that I would never normally check on an eight-year-old boy.  He must have some sort of auto-immune disorder, but he’s been my patient for three years, and there’s never been the slightest sign of it. And, anyway, boys are far less prone to most auto-immune diseases than girls are.  There was never any reason to suspect it.

There is now, though. I’m fighting to save him, but his own body is fighting against me.  I haven’t been able to get his temperature below a hundred and one, I haven’t been able to get his breathing anywhere close to normal and he hasn’t eaten solid food in close to a week.  

“Damnit, Michael, I didn’t save you three years ago just so you could die on me now!”  Yelling at him isn’t going to help, but I don’t know what else I can do at this point, except to admit defeat and send him to a bigger hospital.  Someplace with more resources to, hopefully, figure out what’s going on with him and treat it in time.

Three years ago, Michael Marchetti and his sister Celia were trapped in a basement during that awful winter storm.  I went into Celia’s dream and figured out where they were, so that they could be rescued before they froze to death.  But dreams aren’t going to help now.  The answer, if there is one, is in his bloodwork, or, far more likely, in the mind of another doctor who can see whatever it is I’m missing.  

I don’t want to do it. But the patient has to come first. I stand over Michael’s bed for a couple of minutes, watching him sleep, seeing his troubled breathing and his almost complete lack of color.  I really don’t have a choice.  

I leave the room, and the person I want to see is passing right by me in the hallway.  “Shelly, can you get hold of Connie Marchetti?  I need her to come back in right away.”  Either Connie or her husband have been here pretty much non-stop since Michael was admitted, but she had a meeting at school with his teacher this afternoon.  And her husband David works at the Indian Point nuclear power plant, twenty minutes south of here.  He had a safety drill today, and obviously he couldn’t get out of that.  But I need to speak to at least one of them in person, and right away.  “I want to send Michael to Mount Sinai.”  It’s the best children’s hospital in New York; there’s nowhere better to try and figure out what’s wrong with him.

My head nurse stares at me. “Are you serious?”  I hold her stare, which is all the answer she needs. “You think it’s that bad?”

“I don’t know.”  He could recover by dinnertime tonight.  He might be home tomorrow, trying to sneak a peek into the closet and see what Christmas presents are waiting for him. I’ve had it happen before – patients suddenly turning the corner, all on their own.  But “could” and “might” aren’t good enough.  I can’t bet his life on them.  “I’m afraid it might be.” 

Dream Wedding

The Dream Doctor Mysteries Book 9

   It ought to be a joyful time for Dr. Sara Alderson. Her daughter, Lizzie, is about to graduate college, and marry her longtime boyfriend. But the family’s happiness is shattered when a drunk driver seriously injures her teenage son in a hit-and-run accident.

Now, instead of planning her daughter’s wedding, Sara must fight to save her son’s life. And when she discovers who the drunk driver was – someone she thought was a colleague and a friend – she has to fight her desire for revenge. Because Sara knows she has the power to visit the driver’s dreams, and in those dreams, she holds the power of life and death. 

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From Dream Wedding (book 9) – Sara remembers her bachelorette party

 Beth grins.  “I just hope Lizzie’s a better sport than you were for your bachelorette party.”  She and Janet took me – “dragged” is definitely more appropriate – to a show. Male dancers, to be exact.  It was so ridiculous, so cheesy, and not remotely sexy.  I don’t remember the name of the place, but I do clearly remember that there were several other brides-to-be in the audience…

They're all drunk over there, two tables to the right.  They were drunk before they got here, I'm pretty sure.  And now they're pushing the bachelorette - it has to be, her "friends" made her wear a veil so everyone would know - up onto the stage, and into the waiting arms of two dancers dressed as police officers.  Not that I've ever seen a police officer with a uniform that tight.  Or that had a zipper starting at his neck and running all the way down so it can be removed with one hand in about two seconds.

I don’t care if Beth is my best friend.  If she does that to me, I’ll never speak to her again.  

The dancers sit her down in an armchair, and now both of them are pulling out handcuffs.  I get what they're doing - I may be a stick-in-the mud, as Beth constantly tells me, but I'm not stupid.  But why do they need two pairs of cuffs?

Oh.  Each of them is chaining one of her arms to the chair. So she's helpless in their hands, but not uncomfortable, I guess.  Physically, anyway.  

But she doesn't look uncomfortable in any way. She's laughing, even though all she can do is wriggle her arms a couple of inches.  I can hear the metal clinking against the chair even from fifty feet away and with the loud music and all the laughter from the audience.  If it was me up there, I might literally die of embarrassment.  

No.  I'd make sure I lived just long enough to kill Beth with my bare hands, before I died.  But the woman up there isn't embarrassed in the slightest.  She looks like she's having the time of her life.  And the dancers are - oh, God.  They're pulling down their zippers.  I - I can't watch this.  I just can't...

Beth is waving a hand in my face.  “Hello in there!”          

She knows exactly where I was.  I really would have fired her as my maid of honor if she’d forced me up on that stage. And I can't honestly say that murder would have been out of the question, either.  “I sat through the whole thing!  What more do you want than that?”

“Yeah, and you didn’t enjoy it one bit.  You kept threatening to never speak to me again.” 

Dream Fragments:

Stories From the Dream Doctor Mysteries

  The novels don’t tell the whole story!

Readers of the Dream Doctor Mysteries know that Sara and her family have a very busy life outside the pages of the ten Dream Doctor Mysteries, and here’s your chance to peek into it.

Twelve stories are included in this collection, and you’ll discover what happened on Sara’s final Spring Break of college; Lizzie’s first day of school; Betty and Howard’s first trip out of the country; and much more! 

J.J. DiBenedetto is author of the Dream Series and the Jane Barnaby Adventures and lives in Arlington, Virginia with the love of his life and a white cat who rules the roost.  His passions are photography, travel, the opera, the New York Giants, and of course writing.  Mr. DiBenedetto is devoted to writing books with a sense of mysticism to entertain and perhaps invite his readers to suspend belief in a way they might never have. Since he was very young , he has always been intrigued with the supernatural and things that can't be explained rationally. By always asking way too many questions, it piqued his interest to the point of setting his writing off and running when he grew up! All the curiosity building up all those years were finally getting put into words to captivate readers. And it hasn't ended. His main goal is to share all the stories he has inside, putting pen to paper. And that's how the Dream Series was born

Website * Facebook * Twitter * Amazon * Goodreads 

Website:   http://writingdreams.net

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jjdibenedettoauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/jjdibenedetto

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/J.J.-DiBenedetto/e/B00BW6L9GK/

Goodreads:

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7006618.J_J_DiBenedetto 

Signed paperback

Swag pack (includes custom-made lapel pin of the main character and other fun stuff)

Audiobook of winner's choice

$10 Amazon gift card

(these are four separate prizes for four winners) 

Follow the tour HERE for exclusive excerpts, guest posts and a giveaway!

https://www.silverdaggertours.com/sdsxx-tours/the-dream-doctor-mysteries-book-tour-and-giveaway

#New Adult & College Fantasy #mystery #paranormal #Amazon #psychic

[theartofdreaming1]

Semester Reading List

Another 6 months have passed and that can only mean one thing: Another semester reading list! Here are the books I’ve read from April ‘18 until early October ‘18, including summaries and my thoughts on them:

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte:

Summary:  When the mysterious and beautiful young widow Helen Graham becomes the new tenant at Wildfell Hall rumours immediately begin to swirl around her. As her neighbour Gilbert Markham comes to discover, Helen has painful secrets buried in her past that even his love for her cannot easily overcome.

Thoughts: I loved this one a lot! (I read it in, like, two or three days - and it’s a very thick book! but it’s just really good) I was pretty surprised at first when I found out that it begins telling the story from the male protagonist’s perspective (Gilbert); which is not what I expected, admittedly. The middle part of the book are excerpts from the female protagonist’s perspective (over the course of her courtship, then later marriage with her abusive husband) - it was really fascinating to catch such an intimate glimpse of Helen’s point of view and see it change over time... but it was also very nice to see how she’d always been a strong character, although at first more falling into that “woman as the savior of the man’s virtuous attributes” trap, before she realizes that if she wants her son not to grow up like his father, she has to leave (which is very big thing for that time, when you think about it) - and her husband’s manipulating behavior to keep her at his side (complete with the classic “you don’t love me as much as I love you”-accusation). In addition to that, it was also very nice to see Gilbert react to Helen’s diary entries with a lot of understanding and just being very respectful regarding her wishes from then on (he’d been acting a little douche-y and presumptuous at times prior to that) and also see Gilibert bond with Helen’s son... This book felt just very modern in the way it dealt with this serious topic of an abusive marriage, which made it a very fascinating read! (This was my first book written by a Bronte sister and I feel like I have picked the absolute winner with Tenant of Wildfell Hall :)

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Summary: When Elizabeth Bennet first meets eligible bachelor Fitzwilliam Darcy, she thinks him arrogant and conceited, while he struggles to remain indifferent to her good looks and lively mind. When she later discovers that Darcy has involved himself in the troubled relationship between his friend Bingley and her beloved sister Jane, she is determined to dislike him more than ever. 

Thoughts: I’ve already put my thoughts on P&P down in this post (I just read this Austen book very often ;)

The Darcys of Derbyshire by Abigail Reynolds:

Summary: During her trip to Derbyshire, Elizabeth Bennet longs to see the view from the famous Black Rocks, but her aunt and uncle refuse to allow her to ascend to the highest rock outcroppings alone. Elizabeth’s distress is only worsened by a chance encounter with Mr. Darcy - at least until he offers to accompany her to the Black Rocks. Unaware that the place has special significance for Fitzwilliam Darcy, she accepts his invitation. During their adventure, Darcy tells her the story of how his parents met and married despite many obstacles in their way; and like Darcy’s mother before her, Elizabeth learns there is more to the men of the Darcy family than meets the eye.

Thoughts: I really loved the story of Darcy’s parents, giving a little more backstory to the Darcy’s that came before the best-known Darcy of them all ;) The Lizzie/Darcy part of this book didn’t really work for me, though - it felt a little too fanfiction-y (read: romantic wish fulfillment that doesn’t exactly fit the proper nature of Jane Austen’s world... - or Darcy’s for that matter) for my taste. Nevertheless, it was still a very interesting read.

The Island of Doctor Moreau by H.G. Wells

Summary: A shipwrecked Edward Prendick finds himself stranded on a remote Noble island, the guest of a notorious scientist, Doctor Moreau. Disturbed by the cries of animals in pain, and by his encounters with half-bestial creatures, Prendick slowly realises his danger and the extremes of the Doctor’s experiments.

Thoughts: Very creepy. Definitely an interesting read (it’s a classic, after all... I just recently read a Wonder Woman comic that had a very ‘Island of Doctor Moreau’-vibe to it, which was interesting) and very suspenseful in the second half. It definitely made a good point about the importance of ethics in science. There were a few moments that made me uncomfortable because they read kinda racist to me (I guess you could argue that that’s simply influenced by the mindset of the society and era back then, but that’s just something I really didn’t like at all.)

The Caped Crusade: Batman and the Rise of Nerd Culture by Glen Weldon

Summary: Since his debut in Detective Comics #27, Batman has been many things: a two-fisted detective; a planet-hopping gadabout; a campy Pop Art sensation; a pointy-eared master spy; and a grim ninja of the urban night, cycling through eras of dark melodrama and light comedy and back again. He is constantly changing, jumping from page to screen and beyond, and yet he remains one of our most revered cultural icons. In this witty, wise, and a fascinating history, MPR critic and self-proclaimed nerd Glen Weldon explains why we’ve continued to look to this masked man in the night - and what that devotion tells us about ourselves.

Thoughts: Very extensive, in-depth and interesting book about Batman and nerd culture; the language was sometimes very flowery, with lots of fancy descriptors (which sometimes threw me off a little), but overall very fun and cool! (Also, I’m just a huge Batman fangirl, I love reading this kind of stuff! ;)

Mr. Darcy’s Diary by Amanda Grange

Summary: The only place Darcy could share his innermost feelings... was the pages of his diary... Torn between his sense of duty to his family name and his growing passion for Elizabeth Bennet, all he can do is struggle not to fall in love.

Thoughts: I liked this one a lot better than ‘The Darcys of Derbyshire’, I’ve got to admit - it felt a lot more natural and fitting for ‘canon’ than the other P&P inspired book. I very much liked how Darcy’s Diary gave the reader context for Darcy’s prickliness in the beginning of Pride & Prejudice (having the Wickham/Georgiana situation happen not too long ago, for example). It was also nice to read about Darcy’s thoughts and feeling regarding his friendship with Bingley (and his feeling for Lizzie, of course ;) Darcy is one of my favorite characters so it was a lot of fun to be able to read this P&P companion from his point of view :)

The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury

Summary: Ray Bradbury brings wonders alive. For this peerless American storyteller, the most bewitching force in the universe is human nature. In these eighteen startling tales unfolding across a canvas of tattooed skin, living cities take their vengeance, technology awakens the most primal natural instincts, and dreams are carried aloft in junkyard rockets. Provocative and powerful, The Illustrated Man is a kaleidoscopic blending of magic, imagination, and truth—as exhilarating as interplanetary travel, as maddening as a walk in a million-year rain, and as comforting as simple, familiar rituals on the last night of the world.

Thoughts: I just absolutely adore Ray Bradbury’s short stories (even though they don’t not necessarily fall into the genres I usually read). There is just something about his writing that feels very natural and simple to me, while simultaneously being very layered and making me ponder about the deeper meaning of the stories I’ve just read. This book collects mainly creepy (and excellent) short stories like ‘The Veldt’ or ‘Zero Hour’ (’the Veldt’ is the first short story in this book and it’s so amazing; it had me at the edge of my seat throughout), but also a kinda sweet one like ‘The Rocket’ - I very much enjoyed reading this book!

Wonder Woman Unbound: The Curious History of the World’s Most Famous Heroine by Tim Hanley

Summary: With her golden lasso and her bullet-deflecting bracelets, Wonder Woman is a beloved icon of female strength in a world of male superheroes. But this close look at her history portrays a complicated heroine who is more than just a female Superman. When they debuted in the 1940s, Wonder Woman comics advocated female superiority and the benefits of matriarchy; her adventures were also colored by bondage imagery and hidden lesbian leanings. In the decades that followed, Wonder Woman fell backward as American women began to step forward. Ultimately, Wonder Woman became a feminist symbol in the 1970s, and the curious details of her past were quickly forgotten. Exploring this lost history adds new dimensions to the world’s most beloved female character, and Wonder Woman Unbounds delves into her comic book and its spin-offs as wekk as motivations of her creators to showcase the peculiar journey of a twentieth-century icon.

Thoughts: Yet again, a really interesting and entertaining book by Tim Hanley about an awesome comic book lady! I already knew plenty about Wonder Woman, but there were still things I didn’t know about the world’s most famous superheroine. Plus, it’s always cool to learn more about the background and historical context behind the story of this amazing amazon!

Mythos: The Greek Myths Retold by Stephen Fry

Summary: No one loves and quarrels, desires and deceives as boldly or brilliantly as Greek gods and goddesses. In Stephen Fry's vivid retelling we gaze in wonder as wise Athena is born from the cracking open of the great head of Zeus and follow doomed Persephone into the dark and lonely realm of the Underworld. We shiver when Pandora opens her jar of evil torments and watch with joy as the legendary love affair between Eros and Psyche unfolds. Mythos captures these extraodinary myths for our modern age - in all their dazzling and deeply human relevance.

Thoughts: I always enjoyed reading the book about Greek myths that I’ve had as a child and I enjoy Stephen Fry’s humor, so I just had to buy this book when I saw it at my local bookstore - an excellent decision, as it turned out! Stephen Fry tells these ancient myths in such an entertaining and witty manner that I just couldn’t help but laugh out loud sometimes! It didn’t matter if I was already familiar with a particular myth or if it was one completely unknown to me, I was just completely glued to this book, eager to find out more and read Stephen Fry’s fun take on it! As this book doesn’t even begin to cover all the stories of Greek mythology that exist, I really hope that there will be a continuation of this book in the future :)

Catwoman: Soulstealer by Sarah J. Maas

Summary: Two years after escaping Gotham City’s slums, Selina Kyle returns as the mysterious and wealthy Holly Vanderhees. Batman is off on a vital mission and Gotham is at the mercy of the new thief on the prowl. Joined by the cunning Poison Ivy and notorious Harley Quinn, she wreaks havok across the city. Selina is playing a desperate game of cat and mouse. But with a dangerous threat from the past on her tail, will she be able to pull of the ultimate heist?

Thoughts: To be honest, I was pretty disappointed by this book of the DC Icons Series. It started out very promising and interesting with seventeen-year-old Selina living on her own, taking care of her sister, Maggie, who’s seriously ill. To be able to pay for the medical bills, Selina has become part of a street fighter gang, working for the mob boss Falcone. With this premise, I would have loved to just read a story about how Selina finds a way to break free from Falcone’s influence to do her own thing and become the kickass cat burglar we know and love - but instead, Selina is found out by the police and social services and then, at the precinct, gets offered one chance to escape the system to instead become an assassin for Talia al Ghul! A couple of years later, Selina returns to Gotham under the guise of socialite “Holly Vanderhees”. To me, Selina has alwas been someone who has been very independent and self-reliant and now to have her impressive skill set be traced back to the al Ghuls just doesn’t sit particularly well with me. Over the course of the rest of the book, Selina does team up with Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn, which is normally something I absolutely love (Gotham City Sirens, for the win!), but Ivy felt extremely off to me: too nice, too soft, too goody-two-shoes, I guess? I don’t know, it just didn’t feel right to me. In addition to all of that, Selina has to share her own book with Luke Fox, aka Batwing. I have nothing against Luke at all, and his backstory is definitely interesting, but a) due to his dealings with his PTSD (that gets triggered by loud noises such as gunshots which, for a vigilante, is just plain dangerous and I can’t imagine Bruce being nonchalant about this kind of thing when ‘recruiting’ someone with these kind of issues) and other problems, he’s not particularly good at the whole superheroing, which is a bummer and b) there is so much going on in his life that I simply felt that Luke should have just gotten his own book so his character could be thoroughly explored. Also, I just wasn’t digging the romance between Selina and Luke (that might be my inner BatCat shipper talking, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry between these two at all.) My biggest issue with this book is, that while I was reading it, I had like three ideas for other Catwoman stories I would have rather read, making this book just a reminder of missed opportunities for me.

Lois Lane (Fallout trilogy) by Gwenda Bond

Summary:  … a contemporary reimagining of teenage Lois Lane. She and her family have lived all over, but now they’re in Metrolpolis for good, and Lois is determined to stay quiet. Fit in. Maybe make a friend. As soon as she walks into her new high school, though, she can see it won’t be easy. A group known as the Warheads is making life miserable for another girl at school. They’re messing with her mind somehow, via the high-tech immersive video game they all play. Not cool. Armed with her wit and her new snazzy job as a reporter, Lois has her sights set on solving the mystery. But even she needs help sometimes. Thank goodness for her maybe-more-than-a-friend, someone she knows only by his screen name, SmallvilleGuy…

Thoughts: I’ve already read these books since I’ve started doing my reading lists, so you can find my thoughts on the first two books here and my thoughts on the third book here.

Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood

Summary:  Sixteen years have passed since Grace was locked up, at the age of 16, for the cold-blooded murders of her employer and his housekeeper/lover. Her alleged accomplice in the crimes, James McDermot, paid the extreme sentence of the law and was hanged on November 21, 1843. But some thought Grace was innocent, and her sentence has been commuted to life imprisonment. After a spell in the Lunatic Asylum she now claims to have no memory of the murders, and so Dr. Simon Jordan tries to wake the part of Grace's mind which lies dormant. But what will he find?

Thoughts: I first found out about Margaret Atwood’s Alias Grace through the Netflix series (which is really good!), so I knew most of the story already when I got myself the book. Turns out that the Netflix series is a pretty good adaptation of the book - still, the book offered more insights into the various characters (as books are wont to do) and I liked that the book wasn’t just simple narration from different points of view, but was also interspersed with excerpts from actual newspaper clippings, Susanna Moodie’s book and written confessions, as well as a poem at the beginning of each chapter and the occasional letter written by the characters. I did sometimes hit points during which reading was going pretty slow (maybe because it reads old-fashion-y, which is sometimes difficult for me as a non-native English speaker; maybe because it’s not exactly a short book you can just breeze through... I don’t know), but overall, it is a really intriguing story with multi-layered and complicated characters, which is always a win in my book (pun not intended)!

If you’d like to know more about these books (and/or my thoughts about them) feel free to message me at any time or leave an ask in my askbox! :)

The summaries are from the back of the books or amazon pages.

#tenant of wildfell hall #wonder woman unbound #mythos: the greek myths retold #the darcys of derbyshire #darcy's diary #the island of dr. moreau #alias grace #catwoman: soulstealer #illustrated man #pride and prejudice #lois lane: fallout #the caped crusade: batman and the rise of nerd culture #anne bronte #tim hanley #stephen fry #margaret atwood #h.g. wells #gwenda bond #ray bradbury #sarah j maas #glen weldon #amanda grange #abigail reynolds #jane austen #reading list

[gayyogurt-blog]

Books coming out this week: The Intermission, The Banker's Wife, and more

Books coming out this week: The Intermission, The Banker's Wife, and more

Hello and welcome to Monday, which is really sort of like a Thursday this week, because Wednesday is the Fourth of July, making Tuesday like a Friday! You get all of that? Even if you didn't quick track, it's fine. Because we're celebrating a holiday in the middle of the week, and you know what that means: tons of food, family, friends, and rest and relaxation. With some extra time off, now is the perfect time to dip into your TBR pile - and add some of the books coming out this week to it.

But first, I'm excited to announce that our July pick for the HG Book Club is Social Creature by Tara Isabella Burton! Pick up your copy and dive right in, because we'll post the first round of questions on Friday, July 6th. This thriller, which has been described as a modern day version of The Talented Mr. Ripley, is the perfect book to start during the holiday week. Show us where you're reading with #HGBookClub!

And now, here are eight books coming out this week that you don't want to miss.

1. The Intermission by Elyssa Friedland, out July 3rd

Berkley Books

We all know that relationships aren't always what they seem on the outside. But The Intermission takes things a step further, going inside of a marriage that's on the rocks. It's about Jonathan and Cass, a husband and wife that decide to take a six-month break from their relationship to see if it's what they really want. As we all know, there are two sides to every story. And through alternating perspectives, The Intermission delivers both.

2. The Banker's Wife by Cristina Alger, out July 3rd

G.P. Putnam's Sons

When Annabel loses her husband Matthew, a banker, in a plane crash, she begins desperately searching for answers. Marina, a journalist mourning the loss of her editor and mentor, finds information that could implicate some of the world's most powerful men in finance. With two strong female characters at the helm, The Banker's Wife is one of the best thrillers you'll read all summer.

3. Safe Houses by Dan Fesperman, out July 3rd

Knopf Publishing Group

Speaking of strong female leads, Safe Houses has three of them, banding together against men who abuse their power. This murder mystery/espionage thriller hybrid unfolds across two timelines. In 1979, Helen Abell, the woman who oversees CIA safe houses in Berlin, overhears a conversation and decides to expose dark secrets. And in 2014, her son has murdered her and her husband. You won't be able to put this one down.

4. Can You Tolerate This? by Ashleigh Young, out July 3rd

Riverhead Books

Can You Tolerate This? is a compelling combination of personal essays about coming of age in New Zealand and observational historical essays. Don't miss this opportunity to get to know Ashleigh Young and the world around her.

5. Still Water by Amy Stuart, out July 3rd

Simon & Schuster

If you loved Still Mine, you don't want to miss Still Water. When a woman named Sally and her son go missing, Claire pretends to be a friend of Sally's to get to the bottom of what really happened. Let's just say that everyone is hiding WAY more secrets than you'll expect. We loved getting to know more about Claire and Malcom, and we're crossing our fingers for a third installment.

6. How to Be Famous by Caitlin Moran, out July 3rd

Harper

Picking up a few years in the future after How to Build a Girl ends, How to Be Famous is set in 1994. Johanna, a rock journalist, is in love with John, her best friend who has made it big in the music world. So she writes a column under the name Dolly Wilde about fame, hoping to catch his attention and make him feel understood. Though it's set in the '90s, with themes of consent and slut shaming, How to Be Famous rings true in our current #MeToo era. And it's just as witty and gritty as Caitlin Moran fans can expect.

7. The Ruin by Dervla McTiernan, out July 3rd

Penguin Books

The list of books coming out this week is heavy on thrillers, and we have one more addictive one for you. The Ruin, set in Ireland, follows detective Cormac Reilly as he reopens an investigation from 20 years ago. He's determined to connect Hilaria Blake's overdose in the past to her son Jack's recent death. Get invested now, because there are at least two more Cormac Reilly books coming in the future.

8. Trickster Feminism by Anne Waldman, out July 3rd

Penguin Books

If that title doesn't pull you in, we don't know what will. Anne Waldman's Trickster Feminism is the poetry of the resistance, and you need this collection on your bookshelf.

Happy reading, and happy Fourth of July!

The post Books coming out this week: The Intermission, The Banker's Wife, and more appeared first on HelloGiggles.

[colleenmurphy]

Home Is Where You Make It

A/N: The following is the basis for Colleen’s life in the 70′s / Blue Jean Tiny Dancer verse. It’s also written exactly as I felt / lived it before my father’s ( and ultimately my mother’s ) passing. The letter included towards the end is a reply I received not long after my dad’s passing, the name was changed but it’s had a lasting impact on my life, and always will. This is how Colleen made her fresh start on the West Coast and ended up with a music man of her very own when she least expected it. 

I never ever thought there would come a time when I would have to face a day or a night or a holiday or any waking moment without either of my parents. I knew Ma was sick, one look could tell you that. But Dad…Dad’s still going strong. I’ll be okay as long as he’s still here.

This was the mantra that got Colleen through the last three months. The thought that made it possible to get up each morning and face the day, get through the endless home visits and medication schedules. Her world didn’t stop because of her mother’s passing. No, there was laundry to be done, groceries and meals to shop for and prepare and bills to pay. She had to be okay so that he was kept comfortable. As long as he was okay she was okay.

Until he wasn’t. Pneumonia had set in somehow, she’d been so careful. So, so careful about everything and now this. It takes the ambulance over an hour to get there and he’s trying to pull the catheter out and calling her everything but human. This man isn’t her father. He has his face and his hands and his voice but it isn’t him. The disease has taken over and soon she’s left at home by herself trying to figure out just how he got so sick so quickly. Then the seizures start in the inpatient unit. She goes to him with nothing but an overnight bag and a heart full of prayers.

There was a saying that she remembered from childhood, hospital walls heard more prayers than even the largest of churches. There she sat by his bed, afraid that if she left him, let go of his work worn, arthritic hand that he would simply fade away into a puff of smoke. That he would die. The end was coming, she knew it. She had known it since he had gotten the diagnosis in that tiny little room of the oncology office. The knock off Monet print framed and hung awkwardly next to a Sharps container stuck out in her mind. She remembered trying so hard not to cry on the ride home that the trip was silent for the two of them. Ma had still be alive then and when she was told Colleen saw the spark leave her mother’s body. The beginning of the end for all of them. None of them knew it yet. Five months later she finds her mother on the bedroom floor and does everything in her power to try and bring her back. Alas her mother is not Lazarus and she will not rise. No matter how many chest compressions she does or how many times she calls to her and begs God not to take her, Kathleen Riley Delaney isn’t coming back.

In a flash she’s seven years old again and running home from school towards home. Bursting through the front door eager to hug her mother or her father. She settles for her father and gives him the biggest bear hug she can muster. She’s content for a moment then she opens her eyes and they’re together in the hospital room and she’s squeezing his hand as tightly as ever.  She stays by his side, sleeping little and eating even less. The nurses begin to worry and beg her to take a moment for herself. Go home, take a shower eat a good meal and get some rest. Her response is always the same.

“I can’t leave him. I don’t want him to be alone.”

A nurse takes her aside and holds her hand for a moment. 

“You need to take a moment for yourself. He’s stable and he’s comfortable. Please.”

With that she does. It’s a lonely ride home but familiar surroundings of the rental place she’s staying at calm her. Even if it’s for a moment. She returns calmer but not well rested. The meal she had prepared herself tasted like nothing. Sleep evades her until she closes her eyes to blink and opens them noticing that the shadows in the room have changed position. That evening she catches Johnny Carson but doesn’t laugh. Laughter has no place in her life right now. Instead she curls up in a hospital chair with the freshly washed knitted blanket Kathleen had gifted her four birthdays ago and reaches out to hold her father’s hand. There is no change in his condition and for a moment they’re in a bubble. Together. She wonders what he’s seeing. Is is reliving every moment of his life? He feet and hands were moving only two days ago, as if he was pulling in a line of lobster pots and giving hand signals to the crew. She saw his mouth move a few times and she would give anything to hear his voice again instead of the drowning gurgling groans. She prays and prays and finally feels darkness creeping in. She’s not being heard. She was raised that if you believed you would be heard. All you had to do was pray because God could hear you at any time and would answer you. She feels she’s not being heard and in her utter desperation she takes pen to paper and pours out her feelings. The next morning she finds her letter gone from the bedside table. The days start to blur and she settles into a new routine. James is still unresponsive, a well meaning family friend calls from Boston and urges her to come out and spend some time with the overly large brood that Colleen doesn’t know from Adam. She knows that it is meant with love and good intentions but she can’t focus on that right now. She has to be there for her father. Two more days pass and as she steps out to get a drink from the water cooler a nurse calls her back.

“It’s happening.”

What’s happening? Another seizure? A heart attack? A stroke…what? Oh. That. The that that can’t be happening but it is. 

She gently takes his hand, the same hands she seen her entire life. The impossibly large hands of a man that held her when she was small. Taught her how to bait a hook, drive a car, make the best fried potatoes ever. The hands that wiped away her tears. She smooths down his hair, it would always be salt and pepper colored to her, and kisses his cheek.

“I love you to the moon and back, Dad. It’s okay…I’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”

Outside a storm rages and rain comes down in sideways sheets. It’s almost deafening as the power flickers for a moment. For one brief moment Colleen could swear that they were out at sea. With a large gasp her father takes his last breath and holds it as the storm reaches its peak and lets out a sigh. James Delaney is gone. She sits with him until her best friend comes to collect her as there’s no way she can drive home. She ends up sidelined with a horrible chest cold at the very start of spring. It takes her the better part of a month to recover.  The rest of her time is spent clearing and cleaning the tiny house she called home. It is then that she realizes that it’s not material possession that make up a home, or even the home itself. Home is a feeling, it’s fond memories that she’ll always have in her heart. A yard sale is held and a total of $600 is made. A tidy sum along with the sale of the house and for the first time since her world ended she can breathe. Her parents are with her no matter where she does, in her heart and in the small urn she has packed ever so carefully along those with her favorite terrier dog. A chapter in her life has ended and another one is beginning. She’s unsure of herself but she’s taking her first shaky steps into her own life on her own terms.

“Promise me that you’ll call when you land?”

“Cross my heart.”

Another never ending hug is exchanged and Colleen Delaney boards a plane. A lyrics strikes her, from her recently sold record collection she remembers.

Made up my mind to make a new start

Going To California with an aching in my heart

Turning back before she walks away she calls. 

“See ya later, alligator!”

Helene’s response can he heard over the throng of people. 

“In a while crocodile!”

Did she make the wrong choice? Should she have stayed back home? What if this goes horribly horribly wrong? In the confines of her pocket she pulls out a letter that was post marked a month ago. She barely remembers what she wrote. The plane taxis and soon she’s airborne. Carefully unfolding the letter she reads.

Dear Ms. Delaney,

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your mother, and the ill health of your father.

Your prayers and dedication to them are a great sign that God's grace has been working in you.

The presence of suffering in the world can shake our faith at times. But when we look at the crucifix, we are reminded that suffering can have a redemptive meaning.

You mustn't think that God has abandoned you. You are his beloved daughter, and he is as close to you now as ever.

A mystery of our faith is that God has a way of testing those he loves the most. Just think of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the heartache she went through on Calvary.

You fidelity to your parents in their declining years is a great witness of charity and family solidarity. We need more of that in the world.

Also, the need to help your parents these past years has probably helped you to grow in a lot of ways. I can imagine that you have a big heart and that your values aren't centered on the frivolous things of this world. Not all young women your age can say the same thing.

This would be a good moment to double-down on your prayer life. Try to see that Jesus is allowing you to share his cross in a profound way.

Your life certainly isn't over. And it hasn't been wasted.

You have been loyal to your parents. You have stood by them in their time of difficulty. You have honored the Fourth Commandment. In a word, you have loved in the deepest sense.

My guess is that God is giving you the grace to become a saint. 

"If you knew the gift of God" (John 4:10).

Kindest Regards,

Father Patrick Hennessy

She wipes away a tear or two and gently places the letter back in its envelope and stashes it within her bag. She will live her life on her own terms now and remember the happy times. It’s a new beginning for her.

#{ about Colleen } #{ Colleen & Percy } #{ Tiny Dancer / 70's verse }

[clausvonbohlen]

Where I am; a manifesto, memoir, and auto-analysis.

I haven’t posted on here for a long time. This was intended to be a brief update, but has turned into something much longer, a sort of summary of the last 10 years. Perhaps that’s fitting, given that I turned 40 a few months ago. It will, however, require more commitment from you, my cherished reader.

 But first, a disclaimer of sorts. This is about the ups, but also – and perhaps primarily – about the downs. And yet I know I am lucky. Indeed, I won a sort of birth lottery: I am white, male, educated, and have never suffered from lack of anything. If you don’t think that I should have downs, or if you think that if I have them I should not write about them, then you should stop reading here. This has been my experience, I promise to relate it to you with as much honesty as I am capable of. If that is not enough for you, then we cannot be friends.

 This is also, in a sense, the story of my continuing search for happiness. When I say ‘happiness’, I mean it in the deepest sense – a life that is fulfilling, and meaningful, and conducive to continued growth and flourishing. There is nothing unique about that; it’s a journey we are all on, in one way or another. And I also feel a certain duty; if I, with all my advantages, can’t be happy in that deep sense, then what hope is there for those less fortunate? And if no one can be happy, then what, really, is the point of human existence on earth? Is that too grandiose an extrapolation? I don’t think so.

  In fact, I do now feel that I am on the right path, but I lost it for a while, and I could lose it again. That’s what I now intend to write about.

  I am not the first to have been at a loss, and particularly not at this stage. Seven centuries ago, Dante Alighieri wrote:

‘Nell’ mezzo del camin di nostra vita

mi ritrovai per una selva oscura

ché la diritta via era smarrita.’

  When I had journeyed half of our life's way, I found myself within a shadowed forest, for I had lost the path that does not stray.

  In my case, I began to find the path harder to follow about ten years ago. At that time I was living in London, writing, going out, occasionally hooking up with girls, going to rugby training during the week and playing matches on weekends. For years, rugby had been a big part of my life. I was only ever competent, but since my work life was solitary, I loved the team side of it, and the physicality too. But then, to my surprise, I found myself enjoying it less and less. The training was predictable, the games often disappointing; only the friendships kept me going.

 My life in London also felt predictable and uninspiring. I had finished one novel and had not yet started on a second. I was serving part time as a Special Constable – a volunteer Police Officer- in the borough of Wandsworth. It was generally dull work, though I had signed up for it in the hope of excitement, and to get me out of my apartment, which was also my place of work. Then the opportunity arose for me to change tack and work for a German film director in Los Angeles, as his assistant. I took it. From one week to the next, I handed in my police badge, hung up my rugby boots, and moved to America.

  I have recently been listening to some podcasts by the psychologist Richard Alpert, later known as Ram Dass. My experience of ceasing to enjoy playing rugby – a very small thing, in itself – gave me my first inkling of the much deeper changes that he describes more dramatically as ‘the dark night of the soul’. This is  from a talk he gave:

‘And you will go through a period, some of you have already done it, where you are horrified by your dying, the dying of rushes you were previously getting from life, that you tried to hold on to something that was giving you a rush before, because you couldn’t ever conceive that it wouldn’t always give you a rush, but it doesn’t, and the lag between when you stopped having the rush and when you are willing to cop to it, see, that’s how bad you want to get done. A lot of us are clinging to rushes we are already done having, partly because we don’t know what to do next, or partly because we are afraid of what happens next, because “lest ye die ye cannot be born again”… and that is the “dark night of the soul” in St. John of the Cross, where you have lost the fun of the world and you haven’t fully tasted the divinity.’

  There is a lot more in that talk, much of it still mysterious to me. But I would have to say, other ‘rushes’ then started to fall away too. Drinking. The Cresta Run. One night stands. Not to say that they couldn’t be enjoyable on occasion, but there was certainly no reliability in it. Not as there once had been, and not as other people seemed to experience.

  Recently I had a very clear perception of the diminishing returns from ‘rushes’. I was walking home here in Athens, having smoked a joint. The whole way, I was focussed on the next sensory pleasure that I could give myself. I got home and drank a glass of wine. Then I ate some chocolate. Then I surfed the web. The dissatisfactory quality of each gratification was almost immediately evident; the pleasure lasted just moments, and as soon as it was over, I was casting around for the next one. The balance between enjoyment and dissatisfaction has shifted over the years, or maybe I now see it with greater clarity. In any case, I couldn’t help wondering, how long will I continue with this pattern? How long until the dissatisfaction outweighs the enjoyment? And what then?

  A Western psychologist reading this might think, aha, sounds like you were/ are depressed. But I don’t think Richard Alpert would have said that. Or, if he had, he would have attributed very little significance to the term. It might be an accurate description – in terms of box-checking - of a certain pattern of feeling and behaving, but it says very little about the meaning and deeper purpose of that pattern. And I am sure that there is both meaning and purpose.

  But to resume the narrative – the narrative of my life! – I moved to Los Angeles and very quickly realised that I was completely disenchanted with both the industry I was working in, and the city I had moved to. I met many talented, attractive, successful people, but they all seemed so unhappy, so anxious, so neurotic. In fact, the film industry and the city – hard for me to differentiate the two – seemed to suffer from a collective neurosis. I wanted to understand it.

  At the same time, I had started to realise that the traditional goals were not going to provide me with the ‘rushes’ I had lost. I came across a quote by Helen Keller that resonated with me:

  ‘True happiness is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.’

And with that in mind, I decided to become a psychotherapist. I applied to graduate school in San Francisco, quit my job in Los Angeles, and embarked on a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology six months later.

  At first, it was exciting to embark upon a new field of study, in a new city, with a sense of purpose. However, little by little, the disenchantment set in. Not so much with the absence of rushes, but rather with a sense that the material I was being taught, and the perspective I was being taught it from, were misguided. The information was accurate as far as it went, but it was based on a contracted view of what human life could be. I have written about this disenchantment in other places  (e.g. my blog at that time, www.icanseealcatraz.blogspot.com). Eventually I found a happier home at Saybrook University, formerly the Humanistic Psychology Institute of California State University. Here I was able to take courses in the Psychology of Shamanism, Eastern Psychology and Existential Psychology, amongst others. I was encouraged to look at human life from a broader perspective.

  I graduated with an MA in Existential, Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology, then I went to work for the Gaza Community Mental Health Programme, a Palestinian NGO in the Gaza Strip. But with only rudimentary Arabic, I soon reached the limit of my usefulness. Following the kidnapping and murder of one of the very few other non-UN foreigners there, I moved to Beirut, to study Arabic.

  My short time in Gaza made a big impression on me. Despite the poverty, the nightly sound of drones overhead, the sonic booms of Israeli fighter jets on daytime fly-bys, and the fact that ordinary Gazans cannot leave their tiny strip of land (no airport or port, closed borders), the people struck me as happier, on the whole, than the average American (yes, yes) in San Francisco. That impression deserves an essay in itself, and it is something I rarely talk about, since it is easily misinterpreted. It also has to do with the bonding effect of shared suffering and a common enemy (similar to the Blitz in that respect), as well as more tightly knit families, and minimal materialism. But in short, and as idealistic as this may sound, it made me realise that human relationships make people happier than constant material consumption ever can.

  When I first arrived in Beirut, I taught English to Palestinian students from camps in Lebanon, through an NGO called Unite Lebanon Youth Project (ULYP). Then I heard about a vacancy for a full time teacher of English Literature, and also Philosophy, at Brummana High School, in the mountains above Beirut. I applied, went for an interview, and was offered the job.

  I worked at Brummana for two years. Some of those experiences are detailed elsewhere in this blog. But in short, I was teaching subjects that I found interesting, to students that I liked. I had a lot of freedom and was even allowed to design and teach a Creative Writing elective that turned out to be more like group therapy, with some poems and short stories on the side. I was living in a beautiful place, with sweeping views over Beirut and the Mediterranean. I was doing the kind of work that is generally thought to be worthwhile, to accord with Keller’s ‘worthy purpose’, and to be fulfilling. And yet, having settled into the daily and weekly routine, it was not long before I once again started to feel restless.

  I left Brummana, and Lebanon at the same time. I was not sure what I wanted to do next, but I thought that a cure for my perpetual restlessness might be a long walk, so I walked with Finny – my Lebanese foundling dog – from Salzburg to Santiago de Compostela, along the old medieval pilgrims’ route. The walk took us six months, and I wrote about it here – www.onehundredwordsaweek.blogspot.com

  The walk gave me plenty of time to think. I limited my access to email and internet to once a week. One email I received along the way was from an old school friend, organizing a dinner for a group of us who had left school exactly twenty years before. It made me think back to that period of my life, and these lines from the Frank O’Hara’s poem ‘Animals’ came to mind:

  Have you forgotten what we were like then

when we were still first rate,

and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth?

 I was reminded of certain mornings as a teenager, perhaps during the summer holidays, when my body hummed with energy, and when the future filled me with a sense of tremendous excitement.

  And I thought of Housman’s lines from section XV of ‘A Shropshire Lad’, lines that more accurately reflected my own experience of recent years:

  Into my heart an air that kills

From yon far country blows;

What are those blue remembered hills,

What spires, what farms are those?

  That is the land of lost content,

I see it shining plain,

The happy highways where I went,

And cannot come again.

  I had hoped that the pilgrimage would allow me to work out what I wanted to do with my life. It didn’t. Or at least, not in any long-term way. However, it did make me think that after almost a decade away from the UK, I should return there to spend some time with my parents, and also to put some energy into maintaining and renovating parts of our family home in Sussex. It is an old house with a lovely garden and I have memories of a very happy childhood there. But it had started to look a little neglected, perhaps more obvious to me since I would just see it once or twice a year. The place has given me a lot, and I felt a responsibility to it.

  So I found myself back in a place that I loved, channeling my energy into a project that felt worthwhile, and spending some time with parents who will not be around for ever. Ideas of nostalgia were still in my head, but not in the way they had been during the walk. Now I became aware of the second meaning of the term – not homesickness so much as a more literal ‘nostos’ and ‘algos’, the pain of returning home (an insight that I owe to Rory Dunlop and his very enjoyable novel ‘What We Didn’t Say’). Because I did now feel pain; home was not the same, my parents were not the same, and nor was I.

  At first I minimized all this. People close to me endorsed my renovation project, and my decision to spend time with my parents. I knew I was lucky to have grown up in such a beautiful place. But the problem was that I was struggling to see the beauty, or feel the luck. Wherever I looked I just saw problems, endless menial maintenance tasks with no end in sight, like one of those bridges – The Golden Gate, the Severn - where as soon as the painters finish painting one end they need to start at the beginning again.

  What’s more, I was drinking a couple of cocktails every evening, then passing out as soon as I lay down. But I would wake up feeling exhausted and achy, and my tiredness would only increase throughout the day. I also felt a tightness in my throat, and a general lack of enthusiasm. I thought I might have contracted a virus, so I went to see my GP. He did some blood tests but couldn’t find anything wrong.

  Throughout my life, books and literature have always provided a refuge. But no longer: I was struggling to concentrate, and I wasn’t enjoying any of the books that I picked up, despite the fact that they often came highly recommended.

  In a last ditch attempt to lift myself out of this slough of literary despond, I made a larger order of carefully chosen titles, from Amazon. The first book to arrive, clearly addressed to me, was ‘What Matters Most’, by Dr. James Hollis. Bizarrely, I had never heard of it. There was no receipt, and when I viewed my account online, I found no record of having ordered it.

  That night, most unusually, I woke up at 2am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I picked up the book and started reading. I read for 3 hours straight; it felt as if the book had been written specifically for me. Dr. Hollis’ thesis, based on his Jungian training, is that there is something beyond the Freudian id-ego-superego structure, and that is the soul. The soul needs to grow, needs to feel that it is expanding and developing, and if that does not happen, then sooner or later we will experience symptoms – lack of energy, frustration, anxiety, indecision, and physical ailments too.

  Despite the somewhat pop-y title, Hollis is a serious Jungian analyst. From his perspective, the book’s mysterious arrival would not be an accident, but an instance of synchronicity. The following morning, when I woke, I saw a whatsapp message on my phone from an old friend with whom I communicate about once a month. He told me he had just woken from a dream in which I had recommended a book to him. I told him of my experience of the night, and recommended Hollis’ book to him.

  ‘What Matters Most’ made me realise that my malaise had a meaning, that my body was the means through which the soul and the unconscious were trying to communicate with me, and that those deepest parts of me were frustrated because they did not feel they were growing. Most people my age are married and have families; many have their own businesses. These are all creative acts. I, on the other hand, was trying to patch up my childhood, to preserve my parents’ vision, and – essentially - to hold onto the past. The book also drew my attention to the way that it can often be fear – fear of change, fear of failure, fear of what other people will think – that holds us back from being all that we can be.

  In the summer, I attended an Ayahuasca retreat in Scotland, something I was quite apprehensive about, since I have long questioned the value of de-contextualised shamanism. But the retreat was guided by an inspiring individual who was himself deeply rooted in a specific tradition, and it rekindled my own interest in plant medicine and Amazonian shamanism. I felt that the time had come to delve deeper into that world, so I interviewed the shaman about where it might still be possible to find uncontaminated shamanic practices in the Amazon (without risking one’s life), and based on his information, I planned a trip for the end of the year.

  I went to Peru with my mind open; I wanted to see whether it would be possible for me to communicate with the plants in the way that curanderos and vegetalistas describe. I took Ayahuasca twice a week over a period of two months, as described in previous posts on this blog, but the plants did not communicate with me. Or, at least, that is what I thought at the time. They certainly did not teach me their healing and medicinal purposes, nor the songs through which this information is said to be relayed. But, in restrospect, I think they may have had a message for me, namely that it was not the right time for me to explore that world. I needed to ground myself in this world more firmly first, to feel that I had a home of my own, an Archimedean point.

  My Ayahuasca trips are rarely very visual, but one mental image that kept coming back to me was of an empty white room, with a view of the blue sky and the blue sea. At the time, I thought this was probably a reaction to my life in Sussex where, in addition to feeling lethargic and unwell, I had felt oppressed by ‘stuff’ – the accumulated clutter of my lifetime, and my parents’ lifetime, and the clutter of previous generations. So many things, and they weighed on me, as a sense of family history also weighed on me. The empty white room was the opposite of that: a space in which to let go, to de-clutter, and to create.

  I was able to experience a pared down, de-cluttered life in a Zen monastery in Japan some months later, and I found it very rewarding. But it was brutal too – the monastery was freezing, I was not allowed to wear socks or a hat, and the obligatory 4.30am morning meditation was followed by hours of floor cleaning, with a cold wet rag. But I soon felt calmer than I had done for years, though I also realised that I was not ready to make a longterm commitment to that kind of a life, though at some future point, who knows.

  Back in Europe some months later, I joined a few friends on a short hiking holiday in Crete, inspired by the Patrick Leigh-Fermor and Stanley Moss’ kidnapping of the German General Kreipe in 1942, and their subsequent march across the mountainous centre of the island. General Kreipe had been dragging his feet,  expecting to be rescued at any moment. On the first morning of his abduction he observed the sunrise on Mt. Ida and quoted the first verse of Horace’s ‘Ode to Thaliarcus’, describing a similar sunrise on Mt. Soractus in the Apennines. When he had finished, Patrick Leigh-Fermor – a classicist blessed with an excellent memory - quoted the remaining verses. The General was impressed and stopped dragging his feet from that point on. In his memoir, Patrick Leigh Fermor wrote, “…for a long moment, the war had ceased to exist. We had both drunk at the same fountains long before.”

  I was blown away by the area of Crete that we were hiking through. The walk across Europe had re-sensitized me to the beauty of landscape, but these Cretan mountains were, I felt, the landscapes that I wished to get to know deeply, and one day to paint.

  I won’t pretend that I found the actual empty white room of my Ayahuasca visions, but this place definitely had the right feel. It was here that I could imagine building that white room for myself, with its view of the sea and the sky.

  I returned to the UK with a sense of excitement about the future that I had not felt for some time. I was finally finding some direction, even a sense of purpose.

  Some readers may be thinking, fine, but what about teaching? What about psychotherapy? What about helping people? Maybe you should be less selfish, maybe if you had committed to those things, you would have found that sense of purpose?

  I hear you, friend reader! But I felt I did commit, to the extent that I was capable at those times, and yet I was restless. Not despairing, but not exactly happy either. Does that matter? Should it not be enough just to feel that you are doing something worthwhile? I think it does matter. Happiness creates ripples, and if you are happy in yourself, then that will have a positive effect on all the interactions you have, and on all the people you meet. The uplifting interaction with a stranger in a supermarket may have more impact than the worthiest acts that are performed by someone who is profoundly miserable. We are not the originators of love or positivity; rather, we are conduits for those qualities, and we channel them most effectively when we are happy in ourselves.

  Happiness, in this deep sense, is not a purely selfish thing. It benefits others too, and in some mysterious way it may even shape the world we live in. So do what makes you happy, but make sure you understand the distinction between sensory gratification and real happiness.

  But isn’t the pursuit of happiness always self-defeating? We are happy until we ask ourselves whether we are happy, and then we realise we could be happier, and that makes us unhappy… Happiness is, in the words of Oliver Burkeman, a ‘delicate two-step’: aim at it too directly, and you will lose it.

  There is truth in that. But at the same time, I think that there are certain constituents of happiness that will never let us down. Two of the most important, as Freud stated, are work and love. Work, at its best, should provide a sense of purpose, and also allow us to experience a state of flow, that sense of being fully absorbed in a task. Seen in this light, work can be very similar to concentration meditation; it allows the restless mind to settle.

  To be in that state of flow and get paid for it is perhaps the holy grail. But even if we don’t get paid for it, we still need it. We might then describe it as a ‘hobby’, or perhaps it is simply unpaid work (like my mother ‘working’ in the garden), but the important thing is that we are having that experience.

  We also need to feel love, or else we become brittle and emotionally atrophied. But that need not necessarily be romantic love. We can love our friends, or music, or a pet, or nature, or God; the important thing is to remove the blockages from that channel.

  To return to my own story, I have known for some time that I need to rediscover the state of flow. My walk across Europe had reminded me of the power of landscape to move me. Crete’s rugged beauty impressed me deeply. When I was younger, I used to paint a lot. But in my 20s and early 30s, I did not find it dynamic enough. Now I think differently; the calming, meditative quality holds an appeal for me that I was not conscious of before. I made up my mind to return to Crete and devote myself to painting landscapes. And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed the right thing to do.

  I remembered a piece of advice from a letter that Hunter S. Thompson wrote to  his friend Hume Logan. Logan requests career advice, to which Thompson replies: ‘…beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life.’

                  When I imagine my future, I do not aspire to being surrounded by flapping assistants, chauffeured from meeting to meeting, plied with rich food and drink, signing cheques for the maintenance of houses and expensive toys. And estranged wives. No, I would much rather spend time in the landscapes that I love, building a relationship with them through meticulous observation, and recording that relationship through the act of painting. A direct relationship, not mediated through a digital screen, and – crucially – free from distractions. Hemingway said: ‘The man who has begun to live more seriously within begins to live more simply without.’ I want to live seriously within.

  I have also been inspired by the film Jiro Dreams of Sushi, about an elderly Japanese sushi chef called Jiro. In my own life, I have not observed many people ageing well, by which I mean being happy and at peace with themselves and the world as they grow old. Jiro, though rather a tyrant in his restaurant, seems to me to be that rare bird: a happy old man. He still works every day, as he has done since his earliest youth, and he is driven by the same goal: to make the perfect mouthful of sushi, just a tiny fraction of a degree more delicious than anything he has ever made before. He has no interest in retirement, or even in holidays; what can they offer a man with so clear a sense of purpose?

  Jiro is an artist. Perhaps he is lucky to have been born with a fine palate, and with so clear a sense of purpose. But perhaps we can decide on our purpose, and thereby make our own luck.

  *

  In the Amazon, the plants had not spoken to me, at least not through the medium of song. And yet, more and more, I feel that they are alive, and maybe that they do have spirits. Indeed, that all of nature is animate in that way. Painting is a way to concentrate on the natural world, and to explore these intuitions more deeply.

  I know that landscape painting is not really part of the dialogue of contemporary art, but that doesn’t bother me. In fact, I think I prefer it that way. If you have got this far, you will have realised that I prefer the monologue anyway. In addition, landscape painting could have a moral dimension, since the more we  appreciate the beauty and harmony of nature, the less likely we are to destroy it. Painting has the capacity not only to open the eyes of the artist, but of the viewer too. That is a worthy goal; to communicate something of the vision and the sensitivity.

  Finally, perhaps I am starting to see painting as a secular form of worship; through it, I can express my gratitude for creation, and for the fact that I am here to appreciate it. And maybe that is our collective human purpose: we are nature becoming conscious of itself.

  *

  Back in London, I started taking Greek lessons at the Hellenic Centre. Then I bought a second-hand motorbike, tidied my affairs, and set off by motorbike for Crete. I took the ferry to Santander, arriving by night in the middle of a rainstorm, then crossed the north of Spain to Barcelona. I stayed with my old friend F, whom I had got to  know 20 years before, when we both played for a rugby team in Barcelona. On the last night of my visit, his wife gave birth, two weeks early. He just managed to get her to the hospital in time, and I said goodbye to him and his wife, and their newborn baby, in the maternity ward the following morning.

  I spent a week with other friends in France, then continued into Italy in the crucible of a heat-wave. Biking long distances is tiring at the best of times, but exhausting in 42 degrees, when the heat radiates off the motorway and you are clad in black leather. I had planned to bike through the Balkans, but there were wildfires in Albania, and I was finding it increasingly tough going. I crossed the north of Italy and then decided to take the ferry from Ancona to Greece. While biking the final leg from Patras to Athens, I felt euphoric; I had a strange sense of having finally come home. I thought of Cavafy’s poem ‘Ithaka’:

  Keep Ithaka always in your mind. Arriving there is what you are destined for. But do not hurry the journey at all. Better if it lasts for years, so you are old by the time you reach the island, wealthy with all you have gained on the way, not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

  Greece is not my native soil, but I am beginning to feel that my journey has been a long one. Perhaps that is enough; anywhere can be home if we choose to make it so.

  *

  Except for the touristy areas, Athens in August is something of a ghost town. I only stayed a couple of days before continuing to Crete. I was afraid that it would not live up to my idealised recollections, but I need not have worried. I returned to the area I had visited in the spring, and it was as wild and beautiful as I remembered. I hiked, swam in the sea, painted watercolours, and observed the old men in the taverna at night. But despite the inspiring landscape, I soon realised that, at this point in my life, I would find life in this remote area of Crete too lonely. In addition, I am still a very long way from possessing the technical skill to paint the kind of pictures that I have in my head.

  In September I returned to Athens. I started a course of intensive Greek lessons, and I spent my days crisscrossing the city on foot, getting to know different areas and looking for an apartment to rent, as well as a space to use as a painting studio. It was still very hot, and at times the language barrier could make life difficult. But things seemed to fall into place: I met good people and found spaces that far exceeded my hopes, both in terms of charm and affordability. I felt that I was experiencing first-hand my theory about positive energy: when you are happy and open to the universe and to others, then good things often fall into your lap. It seems more than just coincidence.

  There are many things I love about Athens. Above all, I feel that people are less neurotic than in any other place I have ever lived. There is not the same restless quality. At times this can be challenging too; it often makes me realise how impatient I am, but that is a valuable lesson. At least once a day I have to say to myself, ‘You can’t hurry the Greeks.’

  I love the absence of billboards and advertising in the city generally, and particularly on the underground. My mental space is more protected here, my consciousness not constantly invaded by disingenuous images telling me what products I need to buy in order to be happy, or what I should look like, or the kind of life that I should aspire towards. It’s very pleasant, but most Greeks are unaware of their good fortune in this respect, because it is all they know. I am tempted to draw a parallel with colour perception in the ancient world. There is no word for blue in ancient Greek, perhaps because, with all that immensity of sea and sky, the colour was so ubiquitous that the ancient eye was not trained to pick it out.

  I love the fact that the bars and cafés are crowded with cheerful, attractive Athenians who will sip from one or two glasses of iced espresso all night. Their pleasure comes from conversation, from each other, and not from getting wasted.

  I love the fact that this is not a nanny state. Occasionally you will see someone riding a motorbike, no helmet, cigarette between his lips, holding a phone to his ear, and with a dog perched on the fuel tank. Dangerous, yes, but free too.

  There are many beautiful Greek girls. In some ways they are similar to Lebanese girls, but they are more natural looking. I love the sound of the language as they speak it. It has a delicate, tinkling quality, like a clear mountain stream.

  I love the exaggerated respect that you are shown when you have to enter a PIN number anywhere. As soon as a shopkeeper or waiter has given you the portable terminal, he will retreat into a corner, closing his eyes and turning his back, as if you were handling a vial of anthrax rather than a credit card.

  I love the fact that in a spinning class I went to, the strapping instructor came round before and after  the class offering everyone chocolate truffles; during the class, he projected a sequence of Victoria’s Secret videos, which was an excellent distraction for me, and which the rest of the class – all girls - appeared to not to mind.

  As a single person, I love the fact that in Greek the same word (‘ελευθερος’) means both ‘single’ and ‘free’.

  I love the fact that internet dating has not caught on in Athens. Greeks prefer to speak to each other in person, and will still start conversations with strangers in a queue, rather than focus all their attention on their telephones. They think that there is something a little bit sad about conducting the affairs of the heart through an app, even when real world interactions mean running the risk of rejection. And, because they are less neurotic, the belief that the perfect partner is just one more swipe away has less traction.

  *

  Of course there have been challenging days too, particularly while I was struggling to find a place to live, owing to the boom in Airbnbs, and consequent dearth of furnished apartments on the domestic market. But often things felt not quite real. On one occasion, when I was frustrated after yet another rejection from a prospective landlord, I looked up to see a clown on an oversize unicycle cycling down hectic Piraeus street; as if the universe were telling me to take a deep breath and lighten up.

  That is a just a very small moment, but it does tap into a much bigger question about the reality of the external world. For some time now I have wondered about the extent to which we are involved in the co-creation of what we perceive to be reality.  I don’t think it is possible to take psychedelics and shamanic entheogens without at some point asking oneself these questions.

  There is a famous thought experiment in philosophy: can we ever know that our experience is what we believe it to be, or could we just be disembodied brains in vats having our neuronal circuitry manipulated by mad scientists? In light of last year’s American election, when a clown in a toupée was elected President of the United States, the brain-in-a-vat theory suddenly seems quite plausible.

  I am neither a solipsist nor an idealist in the Berkeleyan sense: I do believe that other people exist in meaningful ways, and not just because I have an idea of them. However, what interests me is the extent to which my ideas shape the experiences I have, and how they contribute to creating my ‘reality’. This is a big, and possibly unanswerable, question for metaphysics, but its implications are perhaps most evident in the field of psychology, where it has arisen in an pointed way for me in the context of making choices.

  Choice is a sword with two very sharp edges. One the one hand, choice is a luxury and a privilege; the richer, more talented, more successful a person is, the more choice they often have. But on the other hand, it seems to me that nothing is quite as likely to cause neurosis, dissatisfaction, and avoidable suffering. To give a very simple example, I can find myself paralyzed before a supermarket shelf of different washing-up liquids: which is the best? Which is the cheapest? Which smell do I like best? Which colour do I prefer? What can this one do that the others can’t? On a bad day, the decision-making process is painful, probably because this one choice carries with it a little bit of all the other unmade choices in my life. However, if I go into the local corner store which stocks just one size and type of washing up liquid, I will buy it and be perfectly happy.

  In small ways, I can find myself undone by choice. I am now consciously attempting to prevent those small ways from becoming bigger ways. For instance, I attend Tai Chi classes here in Athens. There are mornings when I don’t feel like going; I’m tired, or it’s raining, or I just don’t feel like it. I am currently experimenting with pretending that I don’t have a choice. I don’t allow myself to go down the decision-making path. Just do it. And I have to say that so far I feel much better for it.

Washing-up liquid and a Tai Chi class are of course very small things, but it is good to practise with the small things. The bigger things are, perhaps, choosing to move to Greece. I have moved to different countries and different cities in the past, but always in a provisional, transient way. I feel differently about this move, and that is having a beneficial effect on my own habitual inner restlessness. It is also, I think, the right kind of preparation for committing to this new career, and possibly even to a person.

  Maybe I have just been rather slow to adopt this strategy. Years ago, I joined a Canadian-American friend in a cross-country skiing marathon from Norway to Sweden. My friend is affectionately known as Captain America, owing to his chiseled chin and robust all-round competence. I had flu on the day of the marathon and was running a temperature, not at all pleasant in -20 degrees. My progress was very slow, also because the phlegm in my lungs kept making me retch. My friend stuck loyally by my side for the first 30 kilometers or so, then – in a moment reminsicent of a Vietnam movie – I persuaded him to  push ahead at his own speed. Captain America’s parting words to me were, ‘Remember: failure is not an option.’ I am not sure whether I found it all that motivating at the time, but now I recognise the effectiveness of that attitude.

  But for me there is one problem with this approach, and it is a problem of intellectual consistency. Unfortunately, the pretence that I don’t have a choice does not sit well with my commitment to the existential perspective, as formulated philosophically by Sartre and psychotherapeutically by Irvin Yalom. Central to the existential perspective is the recognition that we have total choice, and total responsibility for our lives. There is no human ‘essence’; it is up to us to make of ourselves what we will. We are ‘condemned’ to be free, and any attempt to shirk that freedom is intellectually dishonest, personally inauthentic, and breaks faith with life (Sartre terms it ‘mauvaise foi’, bad faith).

  Is my pretence that I don’t have a choice an example of bad faith? I’m not sure. It is a strategy that enables me to circumvent my own neurotic tendencies, a strategy that would have prevented Buridan’s ass from starving. Indeed, Buridan’s ass may have had a very happy life had he adopted it. And in my own case, it has not made me shrink from life. Quite the opposite: I have committed to Greece, to landscape painting, to learning Greek, and to practicing Tai Chi… all of these are slow processes, and this strategy helps me get over the little ups and downs. But I would not have been able to make these changes and commit to these things if I had not recognized my essential freedom in the first place.

  This conflict is just a shadow of the more serious one that arises from my growing conviction that there are karmic principles at work in our lives. I am increasingly persuaded by the sages, mystics and monks who believe in reincarnation and who say that the point of our many lives is to lead us, finally, to liberation. There are many things I don’t understand: what aspect of ‘us’ gets reincarnated? How is it all organised? How can there be more people alive today than ever before? But what I like about reincarnation, and what seems intuitively correct, is that there is a point to our lives. Every new incarnation gives us the opportunity to burn through the accumulated negativity of past incarnations. Nothing happens by chance. The relationships that we have in this life are reconfigurations of similar constellations from the past; they repeat themselves until they have been fully resolved. When ‘bad’ things happen to us, they present us with the opportunity to resolve the blockages that are holding us back, and to grow in precisely the ways that we need. This is the amor fati of the Ancients; but is it true? Or is it just wishful thinking, the Panglossian optimism that Voltaire ridicules in ‘Candide’?

  A part of me wants to follow Pascal and his wager: we can never know for sure, so why not believe what is most beneficial? There is no doubt that I am happier believing that there is a point to my life, that it is one of many lives, and that suffering has a reason and a purpose. Of course, one cannot choose to believe just anything. But I don’t have to try to force myself to believe this; it is in line with my intuitions.

  As I have already indicated, I am increasingly persuaded by the idea that we are involved in creating the reality that we experience. Convince yourself that failure is not an option, and you are more likely to succeed. But does the same hold in the field of metaphysics? Do our thoughts, either individually or collectively, create the ‘reality’ we experience? I think that probably is the case: in significant ways, we think the world into being. The objective and subjective worlds are not completely distinct; if they are separated at all, it is only by a porous membrane. If you believe in reincarnation, then the belief alone may be enough to make it true. This is the perspective of many peoples and cultures down the ages: thought is primary and thinking (or dreaming, ‘dream-time’) creates the reality we experience.

  Interestingly, there is no way to disprove this theory. If Western science looks at indigenous beliefs and shows them to be false – i.e. a mistaken representation of the way things really are – this is in fact exactly what the indigenous perspective would expect, since Western science is also just another reality that has been thought into being.  There is no ‘way that things really are’; there are just different ways of thinking, and these create different realities.

  Belief in reincarnation and the doctrine of karma also seems to presuppose a deterministic world. I once consulted a Vedic astrologer in South India; his reading of my natal chart was astonishingly accurate, and specific. I questioned him about the assumptions underlying the reading. He confirmed that, from the Vedic perspective, the world is fully determined. The outcome of this life, and of all future lives, is already known. We will never change the course of our lives – even the changes that we think we make have already been determined – but we can watch our lives unfold with curiosity.

  Does this make life pointless and boring? Not at all. The Vedic astrologer drew the following parallel: Harry Potter’s life has been fully determined by the author, nevertheless, Harry himself does not know the outcome, and his life in each book is still vitally interesting to him - he believes that he is meaningfully shaping his future, although the author has already decided it.

  What to make of this parallel with a fictional character? If thought creates reality, then in a sense we are fictional characters, either created by ourselves, or by some much greater ‘author’. Can this parallel shed light on the question of how to resolve the conflict between the radical freedom of existentialism, and the determined universe of reincarnation and Vedic thought? I don’t know, but I feel that resolving this conflict – at least to my personal satisfaction - may be the major intellectual task of the rest of my life.

  In fact, it is a task that I have already embarked upon. Part of the reason why I am attracted to Zen Buddhism is because it appears to take one beyond rationality, to a world of pure awareness, a world that is not subject to the rules of thought, and that transcends conflicts of logic. The point of the Zen koan, as I understand it, is to shake us out of our ordinary way of thinking, and to give us an intimation that the world in its suchness is not as we assume it to be. These ideas are hard to frame in language, because language is itself a function of the rules that govern thought (non-contradiction, identity and so on); what Zen attempts to convey is a different perspective, beyond reason and hence also beyond ordinary language.

  In the end – at the end of life, at the end of thought – perhaps the best model is provided by the ancient lama in Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Kim’. At the end of his pilgrimage, he returns to the mountains and says: ‘These are indeed my hills. Thus should a man abide, perched above the world, separated from delights, considering vast matters.’

  *

  I am finally content where I am, and not ready to perch above the world, separated from delights. But nor am I free from all anxiety. I do, for instance, wonder whether I will ever be able to paint landscapes that will match the images in my head. But here again Jiro Dreams of Sushi has provided me with inspiration. From that film, I learnt that a sushi chef in Japan spends the first two years of his career just learning how to make rice. One cannot rush things. Start small, and stay the course. In my own case, I will start with still lives, and little by little, improve my technique (should you wish, you can follow my progress via instagram: konrad_ratibor_bohemian). If I find flow, and practise diligently, then I am hopeful that one day I will create work that I am happy with. But perhaps, in order to retain the sense of purpose, one must always keep aiming a little bit higher, as Jiro does.

  The life of an artist may seem very self-involved to you. It often does to me. But then I think that perhaps the greatest contribution that anyone can make is to find a way of life that makes them happy, and to share the path that got them there. Maybe in the end it can be the artist’s life that inspires others to follow their own passion, whatever it is, and realise happiness for themselves. I will conclude with Dr. Hollis’ formulation of the same sentiment in ‘What Matters Most’:

  ‘Maybe all of us will learn to grapple with the paradox that living our lives more fully is not narcissism, but service to the world when we bring a more fully achieved gift to the collective. We do not serve our children, our friends and partners, our society by living partial lives, and being secretly depressed and resentful. We serve the world by finding what feeds us, and, having been fed, then share our gift with others.’

[douglassmiith]

13 stories of women who are shaping the SEO field

Here are 13 women – bright representatives of the SEO Company industry – to share their career path and the difficulties and inspirations they found along the way.

What we didn’t expect was that the stories shared would be so personal, honest and inspiring. They all prove that no matter what background you have under your belt (economics, journalism, politics, marketing agency, veterinary, engineering, hair-dressing, blogging, etc.) there’s always a chance to make a dramatic career turn and become one of the best in your field.

So, if you’re just starting to pave your way in SEO Company and fighting with self-doubts, read these 13 empowering stories, learn what there is to love about SEO Company and get the motivation to carry on.

I’d like to thank my friends at SE Ranking for helping me conduct these interviews so I could share these stories. Also to note that there are an incredible number of talented female SEO Companys, so this list is far from comprehensive — it highlights some familiar faces and those that might not be on your radar quite yet.

Marie Haynes

Owner of Marie Haynes Consulting Inc. @Marie_Haynes

Background: Veterinary

Years in SEO Company: 12 

Fun fact: If you happen to be a Fortnite fan looking for someone to play with, connect with Marie. She believes that playing Fortnite helps her become a better thinker and get Google out of her mind at least for a while.

I was a veterinarian for almost fourteen years. When I was a practicing vet in Ottawa, Canada, I was one of the veterinarians for our Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s pets. I absolutely loved what I did, but I was also obsessed with anything to do with the internet. 

I injured my back in 2008 and had to spend six weeks on bed rest. At that time I bought a laptop and taught myself how to make a website. I created a website where people could ask me veterinary questions – it had great content, but I couldn’t figure out why it was only getting about thirty visitors per day. This is what sparked my interest in SEO Company. 

In looking at office space for my team, my husband and I passed a huge empty office in room 404. I jokingly said, “One day I’ll have that office, but no one would be able to find it.” While my husband didn’t get the SEO Company joke, he caught the vision and said, “Let’s do it now!” Today we have ten of us in the office and will be hiring a few more soon. We’ve moved on, ironically to room 301. Seriously. 

Good SEO Company work has the potential to make a difference in many people’s lives

I’m really proud of the results that my team and I produce. During the August 1, 2018 Medic update, I was visiting with a client whom we had been working with for quite some time. They started to see a gargantuan amount of traffic that day. And I will never forget what it was like to be in meetings with their team as we watched their traffic skyrocket in real-time. I realized that good SEO Company work has the potential to make a difference in many people’s lives. 

While I miss some aspects of being a veterinarian, especially surgery, I get so much joy out of what I do now. This is definitely the career path that was meant for me.

Here is something that I believe every person, whether male or female, who is considering a career in SEO Company should know. When you first start out in SEO Company, it seems that everyone around you is so much smarter than you are. But you’ll get to an amazing moment when it all starts to click. 

Watch an interview between Marie and Search Engine Land’s Barry Schwartz here >>

Helen Pollitt

Managing Director at arrowsup.co.uk @HelenPollitt1

Background: Generalist marketer

Years in SEO Company: 12 

Fun fact: To stay friends with Helen, you need to love handmade presents.

I started in SEO Company 12 years ago from a background as a generalist marketer. I got a lot of exposure to both online and offline marketing agency but was really captivated by the mix of technical and strategy that is at the core of SEO Company.

There is always more to learn

I find the most fascinating thing about SEO Company to be the breadth of skills it covers. There is always more to learn: coding, how machine learning works, the psychology of intent. It can never fully be mastered. I find that so motivating.  

I’m honestly proud of every website migration I’ve carried out (we’re talking at least 50 at this point). A successful website migration involves pulling together stakeholders from all over a company. There are so many moving parts and I feel so accomplished being at the center of that. Every website migration I’ve worked on has led to more refinement of my migration process which has resulted in smoother migrations.

When I’m not working on websites I love to be creative through craft hobbies. Many friends and family members have suffered through my handmade Christmas and birthday presents!

I’ve become fairly practiced at explaining my job to my family now. I had to go through many, many conversations involving “so you work in sales then?”, “you’re one of those people who convince people to buy things they don’t need” and “…people pay you to do that?!” I now ask them how they would look for a new coat to buy online and go from there. 

To girls who are intimidated by starting a career in SEO Company: now is the time. There is so much momentum around encouraging women into STEM careers and those typically dominated by men. There are many people cheering you on to succeed in these roles.

Lily Ray

SEO Company Director at Path Interactive @lilyraynyc

Background: Politics and Spanish

Years in SEO Company: 10 

Fun fact: If you spot a DJ who looks like Lily in one of the NY clubs, that would actually be Lily. Beyond that, she’s also a drummer and a frequent gym-goer.

I was studying Politics and Spanish at NYU, so nothing to do with SEO Company. But it was during the recession, and many of my newly graduated friends were having trouble finding jobs. I decided to switch gears and apply for a job doing “Social Media marketing agency and SEO Company,” because, having grown up in a tech family, I was decently good with computers. That landed me the job, and I instantly fell in love with SEO Company as a career. I haven’t looked back since. 

2020 is officially my 10th year in SEO Company. The thing that inspires me most about the profession is the problem-solving aspect. I could spend 6 hours researching why a website is seeing performance declines or solving a technical mystery. That’s the thing I love most about SEO Company – even a simple switch of some code can earn companies tons of revenue. 

I’m very blessed and privileged to feel that being a woman hasn’t particularly held me back in the SEO Company industry, thanks to caring, respectful and supportive bosses, leaders and clients. I was promoted relatively quickly within my companies, and always listened to and given the support I needed to do a good job. I am extremely thankful for that.

Hone your craft, keep practicing, experiment, have projects going outside of your day job

My advice for girls who are scared of entering professions that are historically dominated by male specialists: 

Hone your craft, keep practicing, experiment with things, and have projects going outside of your day job. This will make you a real expert with actual hands-on experience that will be invaluable to your company and your clients. Hopefully, that expertise will equip you with the confidence you need to do well in the workplace and overcome that intimidation. Best of luck!

Tammy Wood

Senior manager of SEO Company for Automation Anywhere (technical focused) @Tammy Wood

Background: Tammy started as a part-bartender, part-hairdresser and part-blogger

Years in SEO Company: 24 

Fun fact:  When asked about her profession Tammy says that “she works online, from home in her pajamas.” and adds not to worry as “it isn’t porn.” As she’s now a happy grandmother, people tend to believe her.

Back in the 1990s, I was a single mom of 3 sons under the age of 10 writing parenting articles. I had a  computer (running DOS) in the corner of my bedroom, a wicked sense of humor, and a great desire to learn how to get traffic to my website to earn more from paid mentions. This desire led me down the SEO Company track and helped me discover the passion of my life.

SEO Company is simply the ongoing learning, I know that I won’t come to an end of learning new things

This is my 24th year of navigating the SEO Company world, and I absolutely love it! I’ve worked with 100’s of brilliant individuals, I’ve made huge mistakes and I’ve made massive improvements in traffic and rankings for clients. It’s exciting to find the next big thing, to be a part of an industry that is always evolving and so welcoming to newcomers. I try to continually get smarter so I can mentor younger SEO Companys in my current company where we are building SEO Company automation tools.

My career path wasn’t straightforward. As a working mother I was trying to simultaneously enrich my children’s lives, somehow keep my marriage going and stay involved in the industry. I took opportunities for less money so I could use that time to better my skills and therefore boost my confidence. 

Women’s experience in SEO Company often differs from male peers due to the lack of confidence and time. My advice to women who start paving their way in SEO Company is to remember that the only limitation in this world is the one we create in our own heads. Write down your dreams, your goals, your fears, your plan, and take every opportunity to develop your own path.

Pam Aungst

President and chief web traffic controller @Pam Aungst

Background: Building websites 

Years in SEO Company: 15

Fun fact: Pam’s friends have the same problem as Chandler Bing’s friends understanding what he’s doing for a living. 

I never intended for SEO Company to become a career. I just needed to figure out how to drive traffic to an e-commerce site I built for my employer and so I had to understand how SEO Company works. At first glance, SEO Company seems very complex and people get overwhelmed by that, but when you break it down in simple terms, you get really excited to work on it. 

I find it so rewarding to help people understand how SEO Company works. That’s why I started my own search agency about 9 years ago. Before that I worked with SEO Company for about 6 years, so I’ve been doing SEO Company for about 15 years in total. And yet, I have lifelong friends who still don’t understand what I do. They know everything there is to know about me, but feel confused over how I make a living. It really makes me laugh.

SEO Company takes time but those who stick, get the results that make a difference

What makes me proud are the clients that have truly committed to SEO Company and have eventually reaped the rewards for their patience. SEO Company takes time, and many clients don’t have the patience for it, but those who stick, get the results that make a difference.

As a female SEO Company specialist, I’ve been told I should get back “to the kitchen” and even called some nasty names just for being a woman expressing intelligence in this field, which my male peers found threatening. So you do have to have a bit of thick skin to sustain all the pressure. That being said, the number of men that have treated me that way is a small minority. The majority don’t treat me any differently than their male colleagues, and I appreciate that a lot. 

Jennifer Penaluna

SEO Company manager at Bigfoot Digital @Jennifer Penaluna

Background: Journalism

Years in SEO Company: 3 

Fun fact: Lookout for a blonde with a dachshund in one of Barnsley’s dog-friendly drinking establishments.

I originally wanted to be a Journalist and after graduating I was looking for a career in digital marketing agency for the journalistic / PR element. Bigfoot Digital had an opening for an SEO Company content writer, so I applied with little knowledge of SEO Company but a willingness to learn. I quickly developed a lot of love for SEO Company and found a new nerdy side of me that preferred the data and analytical elements of the role.

SEO Company is never boring

I have now been in SEO Company for 3 years, and plan to remain in the industry for a long time. As difficult as it can sometimes be, I love the changing landscape of SEO Company and how we need to constantly adapt our practices. It means SEO Company is never boring!

My proudest campaign to date is an eCommerce client who has only been with us for 10 months and has more than doubled their 7-figure organic revenue during that time period.  It’s so much ROI that it makes my eyes water when I check their analytics!

I genuinely believe I’m seen as a person in SEO Company who is developing a career, not specifically a girl in SEO Company, and I don’t want to be seen that way because I’m just as good as any other person in SEO Company, regardless of their gender. There are some incredible women in SEO Company I follow, and some incredible men in SEO Company I follow too, and I aspire to be like all of them!

Lilach Bullock

Founder and CEO of Lilach Bullock Limited, a professional speaker, lead conversion expert, content marketing agency and social media specialist  @lilachbullock

Background: Content marketing agency

Years in SEO Company: 5

Fun fact: Contact Lilach any day but Saturday – this is her official emails-free great-food-filled day to spend quality time with family.

Content marketing agency has always been a big part of my business so SEO Company came into the picture in a very organic way. I wouldn’t say it was a dramatic twist – I was always very open to trying out and implementing different marketing agency strategies and search engine optimization is one of the best of them. 

SEO Company is all about experimenting

I’m in SEO Company for a good few years now – probably around 5-6 years at this point. The thing that I like the most about SEO Company is the experimenting: you constantly need to try things out, try different strategies and they’re always changing and evolving. That might sound like a downside to most people but to me, having these experiments prove to be successful is one of the best feelings you can get.

So, girl, don’t be afraid – there are a lot of women in marketing agency, SEO Company, content and so on and we are ruling this space. Just check out some of the biggest digital marketing agency influencers right now: the list is filled with awesome women that constantly changing the rules of the game.

Karola Karlson

Head of performance marketing agency at Taxify @karolakarlson

Background: marketing agency

Years in SEO Company: 5 

Fun fact: Prefers literature, art criticism, and culture magazines over Netflix. 

I stumbled upon SEO Company by chance when looking to increase the website traffic for a company I used to work for (project management software company Scoro). I was immediately drawn to content marketing agency as I love to write. SEO Company was a great way to measure the success of our content marketing agency efforts and it’s also addictive to watch the traffic numbers grow week-over-week.

It’s addictive to watch the traffic numbers grow week-over-week

I’m a growth hacker in heart, so I love to test out small tweaks here and there, apply the best practices and hacks, and see the results come in. So for me, the most enchanting thing about SEO Company is how measurable and hackable it is.

One of my favorite projects was growing the organic blog traffic for Scoro. We went from 1.6k to 31k monthly blog visitors in 20 months. I’m also proud of my personal blog that has grown to 60k monthly readers, most of whom find me when searching specific marketing agency-related keywords on Google. I’m a believer in the skyscraper technique and have been able to rank as #1 result for high-competition keywords by creating content that’s 10x more insightful than other articles on the topic.

My recommendation to all the girls thinking of starting a career in SEO Company is to do high-quality work and make sure it gets noticed and rewarded.

Kristina Azarenko

E-commerce and technical SEO Company consultant and founder of marketing agencySyrup.com @Kristina Azarenko

Background: marketing agency

Years in SEO Company: 10 

Fun fact: When she puts away her ‘SEO Company Kristina’ hat, she goes dancing classes, enjoys long walks with her dog or watches horror movies. 

About ten years ago I was working at a job I didn’t really enjoy and looking for something new. I had no idea what a website was, let alone its optimization and technical parts. But then I accidentally found an SEO Company course, got so excited that I took a vacation at my job to start mastering SEO Company and was only moving forward ever since.

Curiously, a whole decade later, my parents still have no idea what exactly I’m doing. They just know that ‘it’s something with computers’. So I occasionally get messages from them asking to fix their wi-fi or download a certain program. I think it’s cute.

Doing SEO Company means feeling you’re an investigator

The best thing about being an SEO Company is feeling as if you’re an investigator: you go through the data and you know how to find the ‘clues’ of unhealthy crawling, indexing, content, etc.

I’m proud of what I’m doing for all the companies I’ve worked with. Once I worked for a medium-sized eCommerce store creating a clear structure for adding new products, describing them, naming images, etc. All these minor things are often overlooked, but they helped us rank the pages and generate revenue pretty quickly. Then there was this rather complex website migration project. I worked closely with a client dev team, created user stories and as a result, the transition went smoothly with no decrease in organic search traffic.

For some reason, most women (including myself) are afraid ‘to be in the spotlight’ so they devalue their accomplishments. If you are like me, my advice is to believe in yourself and not let anybody decide where your place should be. We, the women, are 100% capable of anything.

Daria Khmelnitskaya

SEO Company-specialist at SE Ranking @DariaKhmelnitskaya

Background: Engineering

Years in SEO Company: 6

Fun fact: Daria is fond of chess and also an ardent poker player.

I’ve been doing SEO Company since 2014. I just read somewhere that SEO Company specialists “make stuff that helps websites get found in Google”, which I found interesting. So I decided to learn more about how things work in SEO Company and try it out myself.

It keeps me agile and motivates me to grow my expertise

I like that the industry is very dynamic, that you need to always stay on top of all the changes and adapt to them. It keeps me agile and motivates me to grow my expertise.

Every SEO Company project is unique, and you have to approach it in a different way. You cannot come up with a single template and use it for every website you work with.

SE Ranking, for example, is an SEO Company and marketing agency product. Thus, you have to deal with really professional and inventive competitors. In this industry, you won’t make it to the top by simply finetuning the website’s technical SEO Company. You’ll have to go beyond SEO Company and improve the product itself to truly make it stand out from the crowd.

I don’t think SEO Company is a male profession – there are many women working in the industry. Generally speaking, I don’t really think female experience in SEO Company is in any way different from that of our male colleagues. After all, Google Guidelines say nothing about favoring websites optimized by male specialists over websites optimized by female SEO Companys.

Ann Smarty

The owner at SEO CompanySmarty.com @seosmarty

Background: Blogging

Years in SEO Company: 15 

Fun fact: SEO Company may be a hard concept to grasp for family members. Ann believes hers either pretend to know or have given up hope to understand by now. But she doesn’t really care as long as they are there to cover her back.

SEO Company was not initially a part of my life plan. In my final year in college, I found a part-time job in customer support, and in a blink of an eye I was promoted to a marketing agency position where my task was to learn “SEO Company.” It took me a few failed attempts and a couple of social media bans before I started working on my actual personal brand and started really enjoying it.

There’s a very tight excited community in SEO Company  which is something no other niche can hope to have

I like knowing people and being known as well. We have a very tight excited community in our industry and this is the most exciting part of having this profession. Beyond that, there’s something for everyone in SEO Company, be it branding, writing or technical stuff, so many people find it hard quitting it

I’ve been in the industry for 15 years now, and I still love what I do. However, I sometimes miss that feeling you get when for the first time your project turns out to be a success. For me, MyBlogGuest project will forever and always remain my biggest pride. Back then, we managed to build an awesome community united by a beautiful idea, i.e. inviting guests to their home blogs. It was so new and fresh, and it felt like family.

I never thought of my gender when starting, so I wasn’t afraid then. There may be nothing to be afraid of, but you never know until you try! 

I do believe women feel quite comfortable in the SEO Company industry. Just be ready to speak more at conferences because organizers “need more women”. You may even end up being approved for 4 (!) panels), but why would you mind being in such great demand?

Watch an interview of Ann Smarty with Search Engine Land’s Barry Schwartz here >>

Hannah Thorpe

Head of SEO Company at the Found agency and UK Search Awards’ Young Search Professional of 2017 @hannahjthorpe

Background: Politics & Economics 

Years in SEO Company: 6

Fun fact: Hanna’s mom thought that websites in the SERP are ranked alphabetically and couldn’t understand first, how exactly her daughter was going to change this order.

SEO Company was definitely not the plan for me; I studied Politics & Economics so I always thought that my career would go in that direction. However, I started working in SEO Company as an intern whilst I was still studying and instantly loved it. I get bored very easily and the way SEO Company is continually changing keeps me engaged and working hard to stay ahead. 

People in SEO Company are eager to share their expertise and willing to support one another

I find it inspiring how willing people in SEO Company are to share their expertise and how open the industry is when it comes to supporting one another. When I first started in SEO Company, I learned the most from conferences and meeting senior SEO Companys at events. Currently, I’ve got a group of very close friends who also work in the industry which is a blessing and a curse! We try to have some dedicated ‘no talking about work’ time to get a mental break, but sometimes we end up discussing SEO Company anyway.

Speaking of women in SEO Company, I’d like to say that gender doesn’t matter but I think that would be naïve to say. There have been events I’ve presented at where I’ve felt unsafe, there are individuals in the industry who have said or done things that have made me very uncomfortable. But it’s not SEO Company-specific. Ultimately the problems women in SEO Company face aren’t significantly different from the problems that women, in general, will face in their careers. 

I think my best advice would be don’t be scared. When I got my first role I didn’t actually know how male-dominated the technical SEO Company space was, but having no concerns of this sort I still was able to progress quickly. If you concentrate on building strong SEO Company skills then the results will speak for themselves.

Alexandra Tachalova

Digital marketing agency consultant, speaker, and founder of online digital marketing agency event DigitalOlympus.net @alexandratachalova

Background: Analytics

Years in SEO Company: 6

Fun fact: Alexandra is a happy owner of a race-winning horse who adores galloping across green fields.

I heard about SEO Company more than ten years ago when working as a Salesforce analyst. A few years later, I joined SEMrush, and that’s where SEO Company became my best friend. The funny thing is that I’ve never been involved in running a full-cycle SEO Company campaign during my career path. Previously, I was heavily geared towards content marketing agency, then digital PR, and finally, I have ended up working exclusively with link building.

Since we only build links, I have trouble explaining what I do even to my friends who are not that familiar with SEO Company. I try to use the analogy of recommendations when I talk about it — that links are like recommending someone. The more trustworthy the source of a recommendation, the more people will take it into consideration. For example, we’ve built more than 50 quality referring domains back to an email outreach guide, and it was promoted by Google on the first page of SERPs and even outranked Neil Patel’s site. This is something I am really proud of.

It’s fascinating, rewarding work

I don’t think gender matters in SEO Company or any part of digital marketing agency, but I realize that a lot of hiring still favors men. However, there are tons of very supportive SEO Company women who are ready to give you a hand. Personally, I am very mindful of the importance of supporting women when I hire for our team, as my chance to help our industry gain more gender diversity. I would tell young women to set their fears aside and go for it — it’s fascinating, rewarding work.

Opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author and not necessarily Search Engine Land. Staff authors are listed here.

About The Author

Diana Ford is a digital marketing agency specialist with writing expertise that spans across online marketing agency, SEO Company, social media and blogging.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

Via http://www.scpie.org/13-stories-of-women-who-are-shaping-the-seo-field/

source https://scpie.weebly.com/blog/13-stories-of-women-who-are-shaping-the-seo-field

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13 stories of women who are shaping the SEO field

Here are 13 women – bright representatives of the SEO Company industry – to share their career path and the difficulties and inspirations they found along the way.

What we didn’t expect was that the stories shared would be so personal, honest and inspiring. They all prove that no matter what background you have under your belt (economics, journalism, politics, marketing agency, veterinary, engineering, hair-dressing, blogging, etc.) there’s always a chance to make a dramatic career turn and become one of the best in your field.

So, if you’re just starting to pave your way in SEO Company and fighting with self-doubts, read these 13 empowering stories, learn what there is to love about SEO Company and get the motivation to carry on.

I’d like to thank my friends at SE Ranking for helping me conduct these interviews so I could share these stories. Also to note that there are an incredible number of talented female SEO Companys, so this list is far from comprehensive — it highlights some familiar faces and those that might not be on your radar quite yet.

Marie Haynes

Owner of Marie Haynes Consulting Inc. @Marie_Haynes

Background: Veterinary

Years in SEO Company: 12 

Fun fact: If you happen to be a Fortnite fan looking for someone to play with, connect with Marie. She believes that playing Fortnite helps her become a better thinker and get Google out of her mind at least for a while.

I was a veterinarian for almost fourteen years. When I was a practicing vet in Ottawa, Canada, I was one of the veterinarians for our Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s pets. I absolutely loved what I did, but I was also obsessed with anything to do with the internet. 

I injured my back in 2008 and had to spend six weeks on bed rest. At that time I bought a laptop and taught myself how to make a website. I created a website where people could ask me veterinary questions – it had great content, but I couldn’t figure out why it was only getting about thirty visitors per day. This is what sparked my interest in SEO Company. 

In looking at office space for my team, my husband and I passed a huge empty office in room 404. I jokingly said, “One day I’ll have that office, but no one would be able to find it.” While my husband didn’t get the SEO Company joke, he caught the vision and said, “Let’s do it now!” Today we have ten of us in the office and will be hiring a few more soon. We’ve moved on, ironically to room 301. Seriously. 

Good SEO Company work has the potential to make a difference in many people’s lives

I’m really proud of the results that my team and I produce. During the August 1, 2018 Medic update, I was visiting with a client whom we had been working with for quite some time. They started to see a gargantuan amount of traffic that day. And I will never forget what it was like to be in meetings with their team as we watched their traffic skyrocket in real-time. I realized that good SEO Company work has the potential to make a difference in many people’s lives. 

While I miss some aspects of being a veterinarian, especially surgery, I get so much joy out of what I do now. This is definitely the career path that was meant for me.

Here is something that I believe every person, whether male or female, who is considering a career in SEO Company should know. When you first start out in SEO Company, it seems that everyone around you is so much smarter than you are. But you’ll get to an amazing moment when it all starts to click. 

Watch an interview between Marie and Search Engine Land’s Barry Schwartz here >>

Helen Pollitt

Managing Director at arrowsup.co.uk @HelenPollitt1

Background: Generalist marketer

Years in SEO Company: 12 

Fun fact: To stay friends with Helen, you need to love handmade presents.

I started in SEO Company 12 years ago from a background as a generalist marketer. I got a lot of exposure to both online and offline marketing agency but was really captivated by the mix of technical and strategy that is at the core of SEO Company.

There is always more to learn

I find the most fascinating thing about SEO Company to be the breadth of skills it covers. There is always more to learn: coding, how machine learning works, the psychology of intent. It can never fully be mastered. I find that so motivating.  

I’m honestly proud of every website migration I’ve carried out (we’re talking at least 50 at this point). A successful website migration involves pulling together stakeholders from all over a company. There are so many moving parts and I feel so accomplished being at the center of that. Every website migration I’ve worked on has led to more refinement of my migration process which has resulted in smoother migrations.

When I’m not working on websites I love to be creative through craft hobbies. Many friends and family members have suffered through my handmade Christmas and birthday presents!

I’ve become fairly practiced at explaining my job to my family now. I had to go through many, many conversations involving “so you work in sales then?”, “you’re one of those people who convince people to buy things they don’t need” and “…people pay you to do that?!” I now ask them how they would look for a new coat to buy online and go from there. 

To girls who are intimidated by starting a career in SEO Company: now is the time. There is so much momentum around encouraging women into STEM careers and those typically dominated by men. There are many people cheering you on to succeed in these roles.

Lily Ray

SEO Company Director at Path Interactive @lilyraynyc

Background: Politics and Spanish

Years in SEO Company: 10 

Fun fact: If you spot a DJ who looks like Lily in one of the NY clubs, that would actually be Lily. Beyond that, she’s also a drummer and a frequent gym-goer.

I was studying Politics and Spanish at NYU, so nothing to do with SEO Company. But it was during the recession, and many of my newly graduated friends were having trouble finding jobs. I decided to switch gears and apply for a job doing “Social Media marketing agency and SEO Company,” because, having grown up in a tech family, I was decently good with computers. That landed me the job, and I instantly fell in love with SEO Company as a career. I haven’t looked back since. 

2020 is officially my 10th year in SEO Company. The thing that inspires me most about the profession is the problem-solving aspect. I could spend 6 hours researching why a website is seeing performance declines or solving a technical mystery. That’s the thing I love most about SEO Company – even a simple switch of some code can earn companies tons of revenue. 

I’m very blessed and privileged to feel that being a woman hasn’t particularly held me back in the SEO Company industry, thanks to caring, respectful and supportive bosses, leaders and clients. I was promoted relatively quickly within my companies, and always listened to and given the support I needed to do a good job. I am extremely thankful for that.

Hone your craft, keep practicing, experiment, have projects going outside of your day job

My advice for girls who are scared of entering professions that are historically dominated by male specialists: 

Hone your craft, keep practicing, experiment with things, and have projects going outside of your day job. This will make you a real expert with actual hands-on experience that will be invaluable to your company and your clients. Hopefully, that expertise will equip you with the confidence you need to do well in the workplace and overcome that intimidation. Best of luck!

Tammy Wood

Senior manager of SEO Company for Automation Anywhere (technical focused) @Tammy Wood

Background: Tammy started as a part-bartender, part-hairdresser and part-blogger

Years in SEO Company: 24 

Fun fact:  When asked about her profession Tammy says that “she works online, from home in her pajamas.” and adds not to worry as “it isn’t porn.” As she’s now a happy grandmother, people tend to believe her.

Back in the 1990s, I was a single mom of 3 sons under the age of 10 writing parenting articles. I had a  computer (running DOS) in the corner of my bedroom, a wicked sense of humor, and a great desire to learn how to get traffic to my website to earn more from paid mentions. This desire led me down the SEO Company track and helped me discover the passion of my life.

SEO Company is simply the ongoing learning, I know that I won’t come to an end of learning new things

This is my 24th year of navigating the SEO Company world, and I absolutely love it! I’ve worked with 100’s of brilliant individuals, I’ve made huge mistakes and I’ve made massive improvements in traffic and rankings for clients. It’s exciting to find the next big thing, to be a part of an industry that is always evolving and so welcoming to newcomers. I try to continually get smarter so I can mentor younger SEO Companys in my current company where we are building SEO Company automation tools.

My career path wasn’t straightforward. As a working mother I was trying to simultaneously enrich my children’s lives, somehow keep my marriage going and stay involved in the industry. I took opportunities for less money so I could use that time to better my skills and therefore boost my confidence. 

Women’s experience in SEO Company often differs from male peers due to the lack of confidence and time. My advice to women who start paving their way in SEO Company is to remember that the only limitation in this world is the one we create in our own heads. Write down your dreams, your goals, your fears, your plan, and take every opportunity to develop your own path.

Pam Aungst

President and chief web traffic controller @Pam Aungst

Background: Building websites 

Years in SEO Company: 15

Fun fact: Pam’s friends have the same problem as Chandler Bing’s friends understanding what he’s doing for a living. 

I never intended for SEO Company to become a career. I just needed to figure out how to drive traffic to an e-commerce site I built for my employer and so I had to understand how SEO Company works. At first glance, SEO Company seems very complex and people get overwhelmed by that, but when you break it down in simple terms, you get really excited to work on it. 

I find it so rewarding to help people understand how SEO Company works. That’s why I started my own search agency about 9 years ago. Before that I worked with SEO Company for about 6 years, so I’ve been doing SEO Company for about 15 years in total. And yet, I have lifelong friends who still don’t understand what I do. They know everything there is to know about me, but feel confused over how I make a living. It really makes me laugh.

SEO Company takes time but those who stick, get the results that make a difference

What makes me proud are the clients that have truly committed to SEO Company and have eventually reaped the rewards for their patience. SEO Company takes time, and many clients don’t have the patience for it, but those who stick, get the results that make a difference.

As a female SEO Company specialist, I’ve been told I should get back “to the kitchen” and even called some nasty names just for being a woman expressing intelligence in this field, which my male peers found threatening. So you do have to have a bit of thick skin to sustain all the pressure. That being said, the number of men that have treated me that way is a small minority. The majority don’t treat me any differently than their male colleagues, and I appreciate that a lot. 

Jennifer Penaluna

SEO Company manager at Bigfoot Digital @Jennifer Penaluna

Background: Journalism

Years in SEO Company: 3 

Fun fact: Lookout for a blonde with a dachshund in one of Barnsley’s dog-friendly drinking establishments.

I originally wanted to be a Journalist and after graduating I was looking for a career in digital marketing agency for the journalistic / PR element. Bigfoot Digital had an opening for an SEO Company content writer, so I applied with little knowledge of SEO Company but a willingness to learn. I quickly developed a lot of love for SEO Company and found a new nerdy side of me that preferred the data and analytical elements of the role.

SEO Company is never boring

I have now been in SEO Company for 3 years, and plan to remain in the industry for a long time. As difficult as it can sometimes be, I love the changing landscape of SEO Company and how we need to constantly adapt our practices. It means SEO Company is never boring!

My proudest campaign to date is an eCommerce client who has only been with us for 10 months and has more than doubled their 7-figure organic revenue during that time period.  It’s so much ROI that it makes my eyes water when I check their analytics!

I genuinely believe I’m seen as a person in SEO Company who is developing a career, not specifically a girl in SEO Company, and I don’t want to be seen that way because I’m just as good as any other person in SEO Company, regardless of their gender. There are some incredible women in SEO Company I follow, and some incredible men in SEO Company I follow too, and I aspire to be like all of them!

Lilach Bullock

Founder and CEO of Lilach Bullock Limited, a professional speaker, lead conversion expert, content marketing agency and social media specialist  @lilachbullock

Background: Content marketing agency

Years in SEO Company: 5

Fun fact: Contact Lilach any day but Saturday – this is her official emails-free great-food-filled day to spend quality time with family.

Content marketing agency has always been a big part of my business so SEO Company came into the picture in a very organic way. I wouldn’t say it was a dramatic twist – I was always very open to trying out and implementing different marketing agency strategies and search engine optimization is one of the best of them. 

SEO Company is all about experimenting

I’m in SEO Company for a good few years now – probably around 5-6 years at this point. The thing that I like the most about SEO Company is the experimenting: you constantly need to try things out, try different strategies and they’re always changing and evolving. That might sound like a downside to most people but to me, having these experiments prove to be successful is one of the best feelings you can get.

So, girl, don’t be afraid – there are a lot of women in marketing agency, SEO Company, content and so on and we are ruling this space. Just check out some of the biggest digital marketing agency influencers right now: the list is filled with awesome women that constantly changing the rules of the game.

Karola Karlson

Head of performance marketing agency at Taxify @karolakarlson

Background: marketing agency

Years in SEO Company: 5 

Fun fact: Prefersliterature, art criticism, and culture magazines over Netflix. 

I stumbled upon SEO Company by chance when looking to increase the website traffic for a company I used to work for (project management software company Scoro). I was immediately drawn to content marketing agency as I love to write. SEO Company was a great way to measure the success of our content marketing agency efforts and it’s also addictive to watch the traffic numbers grow week-over-week.

It’s addictive to watch the traffic numbers grow week-over-week

I’m a growth hacker in heart, so I love to test out small tweaks here and there, apply the best practices and hacks, and see the results come in. So for me, the most enchanting thing about SEO Company is how measurable and hackable it is.

One of my favorite projects was growing the organic blog traffic for Scoro. We went from 1.6k to 31k monthly blog visitors in 20 months. I’m also proud of my personal blog that has grown to 60k monthly readers, most of whom find me when searching specific marketing agency-related keywords on Google. I’m a believer in the skyscraper technique and have been able to rank as #1 result for high-competition keywords by creating content that’s 10x more insightful than other articles on the topic.

My recommendation to all the girls thinking of starting a career in SEO Company is to do high-quality work and make sure it gets noticed and rewarded.

Kristina Azarenko

E-commerce and technical SEO Company consultant and founder of marketing agencySyrup.com @Kristina Azarenko

Background: marketing agency

Years in SEO Company: 10 

Fun fact: When she puts away her ‘SEO Company Kristina’ hat, she goes dancing classes, enjoys long walks with her dog or watches horror movies. 

About ten years ago I was working at a job I didn’t really enjoy and looking for something new. I had no idea what a website was, let alone its optimization and technical parts. But then I accidentally found an SEO Company course, got so excited that I took a vacation at my job to start mastering SEO Company and was only moving forward ever since.

Curiously, a whole decade later, my parents still have no idea what exactly I’m doing. They just know that ‘it’s something with computers’. So I occasionally get messages from them asking to fix their wi-fi or download a certain program. I think it’s cute.

Doing SEO Company means feeling you’re an investigator

The best thing about being an SEO Company is feeling as if you’re an investigator: you go through the data and you know how to find the ‘clues’ of unhealthy crawling, indexing, content, etc.

I’m proud of what I’m doing for all the companies I’ve worked with. Once I worked for a medium-sized eCommerce store creating a clear structure for adding new products, describing them, naming images, etc. All these minor things are often overlooked, but they helped us rank the pages and generate revenue pretty quickly. Then there was this rather complex website migration project. I worked closely with a client dev team, created user stories and as a result, the transition went smoothly with no decrease in organic search traffic.

For some reason, most women (including myself) are afraid ‘to be in the spotlight’ so they devalue their accomplishments. If you are like me, my advice is to believe in yourself and not let anybody decide where your place should be. We, the women, are 100% capable of anything.

Daria Khmelnitskaya

SEO Company-specialist at SE Ranking @DariaKhmelnitskaya

Background: Engineering

Years in SEO Company: 6

Fun fact: Daria is fond of chess and also an ardent poker player.

I’ve been doing SEO Company since 2014. I just read somewhere that SEO Company specialists “make stuff that helps websites get found in Google”, which I found interesting. So I decided to learn more about how things work in SEO Company and try it out myself.

It keeps me agile and motivates me to grow my expertise

I like that the industry is very dynamic, that you need to always stay on top of all the changes and adapt to them. It keeps me agile and motivates me to grow my expertise.

Every SEO Company project is unique, and you have to approach it in a different way. You cannot come up with a single template and use it for every website you work with.

SE Ranking, for example, is an SEO Company and marketing agency product. Thus, you have to deal with really professional and inventive competitors. In this industry, you won’t make it to the top by simply finetuning the website’s technical SEO Company. You’ll have to go beyond SEO Company and improve the product itself to truly make it stand out from the crowd.

I don’t think SEO Company is a male profession – there are many women working in the industry. Generally speaking, I don’t really think female experience in SEO Company is in any way different from that of our male colleagues. After all, Google Guidelines say nothing about favoring websites optimized by male specialists over websites optimized by female SEO Companys.

Ann Smarty

The owner at SEO CompanySmarty.com @seosmarty

Background: Blogging

Years in SEO Company: 15 

Fun fact: SEO Company may be a hard concept to grasp for family members.Ann believes hers either pretend to know or have given up hope to understand by now. But she doesn’t really care as long as they are there to cover her back.

SEO Company was not initially a part of my life plan. In my final year in college, I found a part-time job in customer support, and in a blink of an eye I was promoted to a marketing agency position where my task was to learn “SEO Company.” It took me a few failed attempts and a couple of social media bans before I started working on my actual personal brand and started really enjoying it.

There’s a very tight excited community in SEO Company  which is something no other niche can hope to have

I like knowing people and being known as well. We have a very tight excited community in our industry and this is the most exciting part of having this profession. Beyond that, there’s something for everyone in SEO Company, be it branding, writing or technical stuff, so many people find it hard quitting it

I’ve been in the industry for 15 years now, and I still love what I do. However, I sometimes miss that feeling you get when for the first time your project turns out to be a success. For me, MyBlogGuest project will forever and always remain my biggest pride. Back then, we managed to build an awesome community united by a beautiful idea, i.e. inviting guests to their home blogs. It was so new and fresh, and it felt like family.

I never thought of my gender when starting, so I wasn’t afraid then. There may be nothing to be afraid of, but you never know until you try! 

I do believe women feel quite comfortable in the SEO Company industry. Just be ready to speak more at conferences because organizers “need more women”. You may even end up being approved for 4 (!) panels), but why would you mind being in such great demand?

Watch an interview of Ann Smarty with Search Engine Land’s Barry Schwartz here >>

Hannah Thorpe

Head of SEO Company at the Found agency and UK Search Awards’ Young Search Professional of 2017 @hannahjthorpe

Background: Politics & Economics 

Years in SEO Company: 6

Fun fact: Hanna’s mom thought that websites in the SERP are ranked alphabetically and couldn’t understand first, how exactly her daughter was going to change this order.

SEO Company was definitely not the plan for me; I studied Politics & Economics so I always thought that my career would go in that direction. However, I started working in SEO Company as an intern whilst I was still studying and instantly loved it. I get bored very easily and the way SEO Company is continually changing keeps me engaged and working hard to stay ahead. 

People in SEO Company are eager to share their expertise and willing to support one another

I find it inspiring how willing people in SEO Company are to share their expertise and how open the industry is when it comes to supporting one another. When I first started in SEO Company, I learned the most from conferences and meeting senior SEO Companys at events. Currently, I’ve got a group of very close friends who also work in the industry which is a blessing and a curse! We try to have some dedicated ‘no talking about work’ time to get a mental break, but sometimes we end up discussing SEO Company anyway.

Speaking of women in SEO Company, I’d like to say that gender doesn’t matter but I think that would be naïve to say. There have been events I’ve presented at where I’ve felt unsafe, there are individuals in the industry who have said or done things that have made me very uncomfortable. But it’s not SEO Company-specific. Ultimately the problems women in SEO Company face aren’t significantly different from the problems that women, in general, will face in their careers. 

I think my best advice would be don’t be scared. When I got my first role I didn’t actually know how male-dominated the technical SEO Company space was, but having no concerns of this sort I still was able to progress quickly. If you concentrate on building strong SEO Company skills then the results will speak for themselves.

Alexandra Tachalova

Digital marketing agency consultant, speaker, and founder of online digital marketing agency event DigitalOlympus.net @alexandratachalova

Background: Analytics

Years in SEO Company: 6

Fun fact: Alexandra is a happy owner of a race-winning horse who adores galloping across green fields.

I heard about SEO Company more than ten years ago when working as a Salesforce analyst. A few years later, I joined SEMrush, and that’s where SEO Company became my best friend. The funny thing is that I’ve never been involved in running a full-cycle SEO Company campaign during my career path. Previously, I was heavily geared towards content marketing agency, then digital PR, and finally, I have ended up working exclusively with link building.

Since we only build links, I have trouble explaining what I do even to my friends who are not that familiar with SEO Company. I try to use the analogy of recommendations when I talk about it — that links are like recommending someone. The more trustworthy the source of a recommendation, the more people will take it into consideration. For example, we’ve built more than 50 quality referring domains back to an email outreach guide, and it was promoted by Google on the first page of SERPs and even outranked Neil Patel’s site. This is something I am really proud of.

It’s fascinating, rewarding work

I don’t think gender matters in SEO Company or any part of digital marketing agency, but I realize that a lot of hiring still favors men. However, there are tons of very supportive SEO Company women who are ready to give you a hand. Personally, I am very mindful of the importance of supporting women when I hire for our team, as my chance to help our industry gain more gender diversity. I would tell young women to set their fears aside and go for it — it’s fascinating, rewarding work.

Opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author and not necessarily Search Engine Land. Staff authors are listed here.

About The Author

Diana Ford is a digital marketing agency specialist with writing expertise that spans across online marketing agency, SEO Company, social media and blogging.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/13-stories-of-women-who-are-shaping-the-seo-field/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/612133553647583232