#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yuukei-yikes · 1 year

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takane and shintaros post str codependency is making me insane because theyre both way too emotionally attached to each other and want to beat each other up so bad at the same time. they were all the other had for the longest time and have such a raw unspoken understanding of each other and literally goes insane they remove my brain function and the way you characterize them is so real

NO LITERALLY THEYVE BEEN IN MY FUCKING BRAIN FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS . their feelings for each other are the same and also completely different bc shintaro was takane's entire life and purpose while shintaro didnt KNOW it was even takane so he has to reconcile with that fact and OUGH the i can fix him/i guess i can let her fix me dynamic. they cannot live without each other and its so so so unhealthy and messed up .

ok but relationship therapy for shintaro and takane. and also ayano and haruka are here (haruka organized it) the therapists like i seriously dont fucking understand whos dating who and haruka's like THATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM sry im so insane abt shintaro bringing insanity to harutaka and takane bringing (even more than they already have) insanity to shinaya.

haruka's literally the ONLy one on the fucking loop of whats happening bc ayanos like. she's got so many issues of her own and her relationship with shintaros a mess as well so its not like shes got the emotional tools to do something other than be sad abt it. i think if ayanos the one to say anything she still shields behind haruka like HARUKA ALSO THINKS ITS MESSED UP RIGHT HARUKA? RIGHT RIGHT? PLEAAASE HELP MY CASE and harukas like COME ON. but yeah haruka calling takane out but hes so soft abt it it takes takane like a fucking minute to realise wait are we having a....fight and harukas like i GUESS and takanes like ooooh. ohhhhhhhh thats not good.

haruka tries to be understanding bc IT IS understandable that theyre like this but hes like is it too much to fucking ask that takane stops canceling on me all the damn time. and shintaro is so comfortable with just trusting on takane for everything bc hes like she's so pathetic abt wanting to know whats going on with me and she is THE ONE who saw me at my worst so who else would i turn to lol like takanes more comfortable for him. otherwise whats he supposed to do. open up to a whole new person. hes terrified of the outcome of having someone else(ayano) know him that way.

anyways haruka works on it with takane bc he's like drilling into its head the whole thing and takanes more and more aware of it as it goes on and then sort of has to make the choice to have this sort of messed up break up without dating with shintaro. also maybe around the same time shintaro breaks up with ayano for reals in case uve read my shinaya post. shintaro just got dumped x2 and turns to haruka in his emotional breakdown and since haruka responds not mean spirited or angry at him at all, but kinda tells him u brought it upon yourself like ive been telling u abt this for months so shintaro gets angry at him bc he resorts to being irrational BC HE JUST GOT DUMPEDX2 COME ON so to harukas hes like OHHH SO ITS UR FAULT UVE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME AND TAKANE LIKE EVEN IN HS and harukas like wow. im gonna walk away now. but shintaro to takane is like but ayano just left me?? and this is an issue for haruka too??? maybe we should just be together???RIGHT??? and takanes like WOOOOOOOOOOOW HARUKA WAS RIGHT THIS IS RLY FUCKING WEIRD so now things are weird between haruka and shintaro x2 because he just essentially asked takane to breakup with him. shintaro sort of tries blaming his breakup with ayano solely on what happened with takane when in reality theres just so many other things and its so messy

its a yuukei quartet messy fallout baby. it is so fucking funny.

for ayanos part i think she sorta shuts down for a bit while she seeks help in therapy and stuff and shintaros like spiraling so hes more difficult and for takane its SUPER SUPER hard to not run to shintaro seeing him like That so haruka has to keep her grounded but its not like things are super great between them either bc takanes like shaking with anxiety and haruka feels so guilty and has no one to ask advice to so hes not sure if he did the right thing or not. basically ayanos in therapy keeping distance shintaros sort of having a tough falling back to old habits (goes neet for like a month) and harutaka are trying to work on their relationship lol. thru it all the dans also around so theyre especially of help with ayano and shintaro's episodes.

sorry like this is funny to me ofc they all make up like they come around. shintaro and ayano get back together. shintaro and takane talk to each other like normal people and maybe hug and cry a little bit. haruka wants to sleep for like 2 days.

they make up so its FINE thats why to me this is comedy central like is it not super funny come on. but a little post str misery arc for shintaro there

#ask tag #yuukei quartet #headcanons #im obsessed with them #sry im a talking machine #ayashin divorce

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rachymarie · 3 months

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Just had a thought of how proud I should be and how it's really no small feat what I've managed to get done the past year or so.

I used to struggle to get onto doing anything, to the point where I had a crumpled clean fitted sheet sitting on my desk for 2+ months because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was having to talk to my psychologist at the time about it for ages. I guess it might have been a form of catatonia.

But last year I started up a to do lists system that I was kinda excelling at for what I go through.

And in the short time so far this year, I have managed to start drawing again. Just baby steps. Admittedly I haven't done actual art (as in on paper) in maybe years, sadly. And I came from being scared of my art, art in general, making new art etc, including a delusion that caused me to snap bits off one of my sculptures.

As much as people like to accuse me of "doing nothing" "just being lazy" (do y'all on the nd/mental illness spectrums get that too cos I swear it's a thing), I have navigated living with untreatable symptoms, all the while everybody looking at what I do or dont get done and assuming they would do it better in my shoes. I didn't miss my own brother's wedding ceremony for fun lol, I was just in a breakdown/meltdown/hyperventilating whatever term you wanna call it.

Back to the positive, the only thing is that I am just having a hard time getting back into keeping up my to do lists system as I foolishly kept adding random notes and "musings" into my To do notes folder in Notes, so that I now have to sort out to get back down to my buried last To do notes detailing where I was up to and what to do next on decluttering/sorting out my room

In other words I'm spiraling out of productivity where my To do list tasks are concerned because My To do notes have gotten buried with musings notes and so it's taking me a hot minute to figure out where i was up to

#productivity #personal #schizospec #schizospec things #negative symptoms #neurodivergent #mental health #rambly post #small yet big wins

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teagic · 1 year

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he leaves the office; he’ll be back in just a moment. stuck on this problem for four years now; the phone call about my second self and the anger and the well of pain comment. the air changes when the door closes behind him. fear fear fear. the office is changing now she consulted with the medium about the construction of the rooms in the mansion; always building, always building even now even now and he tells me about sellars i chose to let him drink himself to death and about laudan and he shows me the notes from his graduate years i had a japanese fountain pen but it started to leak. the air changes when he leaves because the room has changed too, without him now it deflates slightly fear fear fear what is left? sometimes he leaves books and postcards and papers for me on the side table like rosamund in the abbey, waiting, waiting; the ruins are so muddy. there is a printed e-mail now on the side table and i shouldn’t read it he prints out e-mails and photos that students send him and he loves and he loves and he loves; and i didn’t send any when i was in oxford is he mad? but i’ve already started it without wanting what is an orexis? hungry hungry hungry i like that its written without the aid of a dictionary and i like the strange expressions that are clearly direct translations he threw him across to his brother; the dictionary tells me what xenophon means and i put my mouth on his, and it is mine. but mostly it makes me angry, so angry she is so in love with him and you can tell just by the way she looks at him; i think it would be nice to do it all again even if it wasn’t me just because when i was born my own father - the whole of it weighs and the pressure is hot and black Greek views on pollution, which is now a foreign concept to us, are discussed in R. Parker and unbearable our relationship has always been difficult, but i don’t blame you at all; BUT I DO BUT I DO BUT I DO and before i know it i’m crying and what happened to my reading about 1953 and all that and intertheoretic reduction. it’s not fair, i think when i got a C on my moral epistemology paper because i had a nervous breakdown --NOBODY LOVES ME -- and she let me re-write it and we talked about that CPTSD book i wish that there was a way to feel better or a way to numb it all and make it go away or make myself go back and be talked about that way Don’t you think he is living in a dream rather than a wakened state?... I certainly think that someone who does that is dreaming and where did it go wrong or not bad but sad or where did i go wrong and i cant fix it this marsyas has stung me; threw my cloak over him and slept and i want to have his dream, i want to have socrates’ dream he’ll be back soon and if he sees me like this he won’t understand you dreamt you died and you felt so relieved and you can’t make me stop thinking about it and you have to hear me and i won’t know how to explain there will be no one to cry over you do you rememb- because the things we want and the things we remember sometimes aren’t the spinal fluid what green green and he we should want or remember and how do you explain to someone i catch sight of an old glove that you are and i burst into tears starting to fall apart she was hospitalized and her best friend is dead and you don’t care, you think only about yourself because you’re afraid for yourself and you ask and people think you worry but you’re just selfish, and you were born bad again again in an endless spiral and it doesn’t feel better ever and it doesn’t stop and what you need is not to be left here in the room that changes pressure without some task because everything makes you sad you just want someone to love you but youre unlovable and i know because i dont love you and what is it like to not have someone in your head always thinking and always talking because they are screeds and you regret them when i bring them up and you want it to stop but it just keeps going and at night when you want to sleep i want it too you just cant and youre stuck for all the political clamor of the left you were most provided for by a-, a-, a- and you can’t even say what’s wrong, or what bothers you, you can’t speak, you can just listen and listen and listen and listen and please don’t stop talking, i don’t have anyone else all the time here, hear, he’ll be back soon, soon, soon and it’ll be 1953 and All That anew anew and you can have his dream his dream his dream

the office warms when the door opens again.

#.txt

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evandorepart2 · 10 months

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longgggg fucking vent post under the cut. idk if it even counts as vent i am simply relaying information about the situation and i am unsure how i should feel right now

oh my fucking GOD my brother is such an asshole like. ok so whats happened over the past couple days is that

i hit a depressive period. it is Obvious -> since im depressed i dont have energy to eat or cook much and ive been struggling with making sure to eat Before this -> we have recently got groceries and there are muffins. before this i was literally eating a slice of bread so i would at the very least not pass out or vomit so obviously when we have that im going to switch to Depending on that -> this is something i do a lot, unconciously, to eat. i have a single 'meal' and stick with it until its run out. whether or not it has lots of steps.

what happened after this is

my brother gets pissed cause i ate all the muffins and he calls me a bitch and some other stuff idr cause i deleted the messages -> i am hanging by a thread and being confronted abt an insecurity on multiple levels makes me very upset -> i attempt to deflect these feelings by joking about it so that i can convince myself that im not upset -> he responds negatively and calls me annoying + brings up the fact that hes the only one whos been cleaning downstiars and subtly implying that im lazy and never do any work. a fact he Has said to my face despite this being proven Not True many times. and none of the Mess hes been cleaning up is mine since i have not been using the kitchen / using dishes / had items isolated to a single small table -> i get more upset and decide to be honest and write a short, frank note [bc this is all over text bc he never talks to me face to face] saying that i am depressed. its difficult to eat and i wasnt even Thinking of him [as he is someone who regularly gets on everyone else for eating junk sweet food so i dont think he wnats that stuff] and i apologize for being a dick and thank him for cleaning up.

after this he does not respond which means that there is nothing else he wants to say on the matter. that was a few days ago and i do not talk / go near him. ive phsyically seen him Three times since this exchange. and they lasted a few seconds since i quickly Left The Area.

today was the first time hes messaged me since then to tell me to do the dishes. i Was going to - was debating not to but then it got into my head as a Task I Need To Finish before i could continue what i was doing - but when i went downstairs he was on the couch and this scared me so i went back upstairs and was promising to do it tomorrow.

Until i had another breakdown and completely reorganized all my projects so i wouldnt have an unproductive spiral. and then i just finished so i thought Now i will do the dishes so i can get back into doing my Other Tasks. that is if they werent done - the thing with the dishes is that he said he was going to cook. which is how it usually goes. so its not like he just told me to clean LOL

but during this time i had headphones on which are sound proof and as i was going outside i took them off and realized the tv was on which means hes downstairs. and also i could smell meat cooking, meaning he was making dinner. its at this point i was like. whoops i didnt do the dishes that sucks but also. i Have told him i was in the middle of a depressive period. i havent been eating and i havent been leaving my room at all. even my father picked up on this. its easy to assume that he understands that hey! maybe youll tell me to do something and i just dont do it. for gods sake i didnt even answer the text bc i didnt want to say id do it and then not do it.

so i went to shower instead and felt really sick standing up since obviously i havent eaten and it feels like my stomach is caving in and i can smell food cooking which just makes it significantly worse.

which is whatever. i leave. i think about whether or not my pride will let me go downstairs when he tells me hes made dinner. NOTE: my father is gone today - hes partying with his work friends as a going away thing. so it is just us.

except! he hasnt texted me at all! in fact! its been half an hour since i know he cooked and nothing has been said to me. which leaves the options. he made something else and i can just fend for myself. he made the original meal [which was burgers and takes a while to do cause he does it from scratch] and was pissed that i didnt do the dishes so he didnt make me any. or hes still cooking and has yet to text me [doubtful]

which. i dont know which is worse! and i am unsure if i am allowed to be upset by this!

because on one hand yea. i was supposed to do the dishes and i couldnt even bring myself to do that.

but on the other hand. man im fucking depressed. it took two days of convincing to get me to brush my teeth again. i am getting physically ill from lack of food and ive been having casual thoughts of suicide again. and its not like he doesnt know. like ive told him. ive left out my diagnosis papers so he could see them - which he told me hes read ! im not 'suffering in silence' or whatever. im just FUCK i dont know. i hate this stupid family.

its like everyone looks at me and goes. yea you have problems. but the second i start i dont fucking know having problems everyone gets soooo mad at me and tells me how awful and lazy and how im literally never going to ammount to anything or do anything < real words that my brother had said ! he went off very long on how pathetic i am to my father and only 'apologized' like a day later when he was high which was barely even an apology he just said sorry and then hung up.

its like every time i try to get better and then everyone around me just. fucking i dont even know man. my mom hates me. my brother hates me. my father hates everything i like and everything i stand for and completely refuses to ever listen to me actually talk. im awful person to everyone around me and all my friends and im not getting out of this hell hole. nothing is going to change when i get to iowa. im just gonna be the same shitty person in an even shittier country with people and family that i hate

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dyketubbo · 3 years

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thinkin thoughts abt friendship n stuff (/neg). dont rb obviously

#not like /neg towards friendship. love the concept i just. im thinkin abt my lack of friends ig #or not that i lack friends. i have them! i have a whole ass friendgroup i wanna move in with but #idk. at the same time its mostly out of convienience. if i didnt have to out of paranoia that i wldnt survive on my own i probably wouldnt #like i love em and all its just. i think our first year being getting close under an abusers thumb kind of. fucked us up #bc i got all codependent and they would protect me and stuff and now that doesnt happen and we dont feel as close and it. sucks ig #and i still go through all the same motions. i try to share my interests im trying to show interest in what they love #i look out for them. i try to comfort them when i have the energy even when i dont have the energy #i try so sso hard to talk them out of shitty decisions and help them when theyre in trouble and i deal w them shittalking dsmp #and i try to show that i care but im so used to playfighting and now they keep thinking im mad at them and im not!#but even when i try to be nice they still seem so. scared of me. everyone always seems scared of me #ive talked abt my own suicidal ideation and have spiraled so so many times and. i dont blame them for not helping #bc they dont have to. they dont have to deal w any of my shit n theyre always dealing with so so much and i never wanna force them to deal #w me when im at my worst. but it still hurts when i want to die and no ones there for me. theyre not even there for me for little things #im so tired of trying to get attention but no matter what i do i just. feel like im shouting into an empty void #i know how to comfort myself. i can bring myself out of panic attacks and breakdowns #and ultimately the only reason im still alive right now is because i taught myself to care abt myself #but i wish someone else was there for me. even just one person. id be okay with being abused again if it just meant someone would care #id be okay with being in danger if it meant people would protect me again. even one person #i open my heart and i become morails w ppl even through my discomfort n i third wheel n i comfort ppl #n i tamper down all my sharp edges n keep my mouth closed when i smile n i try so hard to be kind and loving and a caretaker like they need #n i just. dnt have any of that 4 me. i dont truly have any support. im not even able to share my excitement w those i live w or will live w #i just want someone to care. to support me. am i not enough for that? its starting to feel like it. i hate it. i wish i could stop feeling #stop havin emotions or connections or anythn. but i tried already and no one cared. no one tried to stop me. only one person showed concern #and it was bc they were worried over how it wld effect the group. amazing isnt it. i could disappear and only one person wld reach out #god. i hate it. i mean hell one of my friends goes on n on abt hating dream but they love their fuckin family #and go on n on abt how theyre 'not that bad' or only mentionin their gmas racism *as if the rest dont say the fuckin n word every day #n act as if color doesnt exist*. fuckin hypocrite! i know at some point ppl get burnt out but they get more pissed off #abt some dude they dont even know making pride merch than they do abt their family being fucking racist. i hate it #i want out but i dont have any other options. n if i get mad theyll just cower n ill be the scary big bad all over again #and it feels like ive gone too far to kill myself now when i havent even been 16 for a week. goddammit

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tiredsadpeach · 3 years

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Lol hi guess what

#I carpooled my cousin to the pet store and then we all ended up hanging out because she’s been lonely and stressed and it was fun #12 hours of a nice time mostly and then I go on twt and remember a message from earlier and the day falls apart lol #why WHY didn’t you tw that why did you bring him up so casually he’s a FUCKING TRIGGER and earlier you asked me about certain things that I #don’t even know if I need a trigger for but the thing I ACTUALLY have listed in my trigger list is just nothing to you??#you’ve given him a tw before so what was so different and why do you have to fall apart when I’m upset at you it makes me feel so guilty #and it sucks because you probably can’t help it I know I’m your fp so I have lied to you about being angry or hurt or upset #STOP TWEETING ABOUT HOW YOURE NUMB I GET IT IM SORRY #I WISH I COUKD BE TOO BUT I CANT #Not to mention I’m so fucking worried about him #which is weird right now because I’m very very very hurt #I actually said he upset me this time but downplayed it like always #and I just I hate apologies when you don’t know the reason so him apologizing made it worse #fuck now he’s venting #please I can’t help you right now if you breakdown over hating yourself I can’t pick you up right now #in fact FUCK PLEASE DONT SLEEP IM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO REACH OHT #Maybe I Just Shouldn’t #he’s the only one I can talk to lol if he’s asleep I just might spiral even more!

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mingot-studios · 3 years

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Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

#the owl house #yume 2kki #thurston waffles #star vs the forces of evil #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #jojolion #one piece #vent #save infinity train #infinity train #amphibia #gravity falls #the crypto club #invader zim #Princess Ovilium Midorihato Metamorphosis Androma Serugi The First #Princess Ovil

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radiantmists · 3 years

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ooooh i'd love to hear your thoughts on an rqg and stormlight crossover!

absolutely.

(send me 2+ fandoms and i’ll give you thoughts on crossing them over)

okay so first of all I’ve thought about this just a little already, in that i saw a significant link between zolf’s new ethos, the whole not-hope what-comes-next thing, and the first ideal, especially as presented in Oathbringer. The radiant orders in general actually feel like... especially codified paladins/clerics, where you get powers in exchange for subscribing to a certain set of ideals.

so i cheated a little and consulted a conversation i had on the rqbb server about radiant orders for the party; using that plus this radiant order guide, i came up with the following:

sasha’s an edgedancer. this is the one i’m most sure about; the slid-ey powers fit, but ‘remembering those who’ve been forgotten’ is also very sasha, especially with her Good End being starting an orphanage. plus she just has The Vibe, you know?

grizzop would make sense as a skybreaker, extremely lawful good and focused on justice, defending the innocent and punishing the guilty. also the idea of him being able to fly brings the chaos gremlin in me joy.

I’d make hamid a dustbringer, honestly because the description in the link above fits the narrative i’d like him to have, regarding the importance of responsibility and self-mastery as one’s destructive power grows.

cel i’m less confident on, but i think i’d go with willshaper; there’s a focus on personal freedom and self-expression, liberation from tyranny, and the order also has an association with creators. (if ppl have thoughts on this lmk because i dont have that great of a handle on cel tbh)

sidenote, skraak would definitely be a willshaper too.

azu is... difficult. i want her to have regrowth as a surge because i feel like healing is a really important thing for her, and she does kinda vibe as an edgedancer... but the stonewards’ focus on dependability and team dynamics, their refusal to bend their ideals, and even just the minor bits like interest in athletics just really fits for her, so i’d have to go with that. i guess kaladin has healing as a central part of his character without it being a surge, so... yes. stoneward. go read the description, the more i think about this the more it seems Correct.

and finally, zolf. the source of so many headaches, i do not understand this man. i can kinda see him as a windrunner, stoneward, skybreaker, or bondsmith, but i’m not confident with any of them. i would lean toward bondsmith just because both the source above and the textual evidence we have with dalinar and navani suggest that bondsmiths are hard to categorize, as far as values, other than them being leaders.

but the question of zolf brings me to a big question-- would they all be radiants? i think they would all have the potential, certainly, any one of them has enough bullshit in the backstory to have cracks that would allow a nahel bond, and enough determination to speak the first ideal and mean it. but that doesn’t mean they’d all attract/bond spren, and i havent even decided how, if at all, i’m dealing with the whole humans vs. singers thing.

(adding a readmore discussing where i see zolf going bc it’s getting long)

but, uh, here’s something rough: i think zolf would pull a baby-shallan and kill his first spren. probably, this would be a highspren; early zolf is very strongly dedicated to the idea of an unbendable truth, divine justice. and i think his point of breaking might even be similar to his questioning of poseidon in canon, because stormlight/cosmere actually engages with the question of “how does someone become a god,” and the answer is “by killing the old one” which very much would not qualify them to be an arbiter of justice in zolf’s eyes.

i think stormlight!zolf would find out that honor is dead, along with the revelation about humans being the invaders (if that’s still what’s going on in this crossover), and have a paris-equivalent breakdown about what ‘the right thing’ or ‘justice’ even mean. he wouldn’t believe in his ideals anymore, he’d ‘kill’ his spren, and that would make his spiral a lot worse.

i’m not sure what would happen from there.

it’s possible that he’d wake his highspren again by speaking a higher ideal the way kaladin does, though i’m still not perfectly clear on the mechanics of that; zolf actually does still have the dedication to punishing the guilty, he just doesn’t look for an external code as the source of justice anymore, and that’s actually consistent with some higher skybreaker ideals. but he doesn’t really vibe with the whole ‘order and codified law’ thing.

i can see him returning as a bondsmith, but in an awkward sort of situation similar to navani’s, where the spren isn’t fully comfortable with him and he’s doing it largely out of need. but also i don’t want that for him?? his turn in canon to the new source of power feels like it was good for him, and i’d want to do something equivalent, and this feels like it would be almost self-destructive.

but as i was noodling around on the orders explanation page, i noticed this in the description of bondsmiths: “Beyond that, many of the retinues that protected the Bondsmiths were considered members of the Order–going so far as to swear oaths, even though they didn’t have a spren and never would. Some even called this the most pure form of being a Radiant, because these were oaths sworn not in the name of gaining powers, but simply for the good of the oaths themselves.”

and my brain lit up at that, bc you know whose arc is about growing as a person and dedicating themselves to uniting people and leading? wilde. so i’m imagining wilde becoming a bondsmith, and zolf not bonding a new spren but swearing the first ideal in spirit because that is genuinely what he believes, and just being part of wilde’s team, keeping him safe as a regular human/maybe having some squire powers.

WELL i’ve done a lot of thinking about orders and almost none about plot or even actual character backstories, but I’ve spent a while on this. i’m very likely to come back to this because rqg is definitely my current Main Fandom and (as you can tell from the url) the cosmere is my beloved, so... yes.

#rqg #stormlight archive #crossover ask game #at this point i could still place them alongside canon stormlight characters #or have them replace them narratively #and im not sure which i would go for yet #almost certainly more to follow #if i replace ppl hamid is probably some equivalent to a kholin #...dragons are Juicy in cosmere setting though #hmmmmmm

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draconicdetective · 3 years

Text

god ok i need to know what this specific thing i do is even about or caused by because it drives me NUTS genuinely this is so fucking genuine what the actual fuck is wrong with me

the short of it; if things touch my arms i get really overwhelmed and overstimulated and lose all my spoons EVERY time and go into a blind rage and or break down on the spot.

the long of it;

i cannot work at my computer in a jacket. the ONLY exception is if its my comfort jacket (ie my mickey mouse jacket and literally only this jacket), because. the risk, that my jacket, catches on my desk or my ipad or my mouse or ANYTHING in a way that i do not like, happens? if this happens? and it tugs on my arm in a way i cannot predict exactly and know is happening and can prepare myself for? i have a fucking FIT.

i.. its really cold in my dorm rn, im ikn a hoodie (bad for computer) and a jacket (its got large sleeves so its not only bad but EXTRA bad) and... i am on the edge of a breakdown because my jacket keeps... rolling up my arm. and the blanket i have on my shoulders (not as bad, i expect how it moves bc i sleep w it every night) keeps... also moving and sliding off my shoulder. this shit is just... moving. and im on the verge of tears. and i can FEEL myself choking up in my throat.

??????? literally what the fuck is up with that why do i do that

but also this has been a thing for . as long as i can remember

when i used to have a wacom tablet i would have full on breakdowns and destroy my sketchbook and damn near break my tablet in half i got so mad. because. the wire, connecting the wacom to my laptop, would. touch. my arm.

i do the same thing with my headset still, where if it gets twisted in a way i dont like i get distraught and super mad, but. since i use it every day, ive kinda learned how to put it away and maneuver the wire so it doesnt touch me in a way i can’t tolerate.

i just.. i genuinely... what the fuck is this even about. like i get mad when things dont go my way sure whatever i have anger issues and i know how to cope with being upset but this is like. over the fucking edge sometimes it will bring me to the brink of a mental breakdown and full on depression SPIRAL if something touches my arm incorrectly. literally genuinely what the fuck is wrong with me and why do i do this hello god????????

also like literally no idea what. PROBLEM i have that would cause such an extreme reaction because the highest contender is ADHD thats the only thing i can think would make me fly off the ahndle SO FAST

the other idea is it might be a hospital trauma thing bc of ivs but i highly highly highly doubt that but its an idea. otherwise something is just fucked up with me and i dont have a damn clue why

#chatter #SO sorry for talking about this so long im kind of ranting and venting while trying to explain but it. makes me so genuinely furious #ugh im gonna crash and burn in a few hours i know it bc i think its just a slow burning fuse rn... got mad enough to start going craayazaay #whatever ig. would love any idea what the fuck is wrong with me genuinely #and no i cant change to my comfort jacket its dirty and not warm enough #im not even warm in the hoodie jacket combo im in rn but its better than nothing

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springatito-moved · 3 years

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i wonder if quackity succeeds at his manipulation because he genuinely believes what hes saying? its rly difficult to see quackitys intentions bc we lack his pov but as ive mentioned before, his methods change depending on how hes feeling. which sort of implies that he believes what he says to some degree. im gonna emphasize "to some degree" here, because hes not like... completely un-self aware. i think he does know that this might/will have negative effects on the other people involved in las nevadas. ykwim?

i will say tho, its easier to convince someone of something you believe than something you dont (ask anyone whos been in debate club if you dont believe me)

- duck facts anon

mhm! he fully believes everything he's saying, even the contradictory stuff. It all stems from his spiral & his breakdowns & his fear. He doesn't wake up saying "I'm gonna lie and manipulate all these people for fun and games." He has a 3 am panic attack and then goes and vents his misplaced anger and frustration to people who can't help him the way he needs. It gives him the perfect manipulative high-ground without even trying for it.

How he said "sam, tommys death wasnt your fault" bc at the time, he had no reason to blame sam. dream had killed tommy and no one knew why tommy was locked in prison. but then sam stops quackity from killing dream the first time and he gets angry and irrational and lashes out. hes suddenly starts blaming sam. not bc he WANTS to hurt sam, but because something changed suddenly and he can't process the fact that he was stopped from doing something he wanted. his mind started connecting reasons why sam would stop him. maybe it was cause sam had a part in it, maybe it was a million other things. but he was angry and not thinking clearly and just went with what his mind told him.

With people like purpled and fundy (? still unclear on all of that but we'll assume its prophectic dreams) he was telling them to not be forgotten, that they were worthless. sitting around doing nothing all day, not contributing to anything. this is a belief he's held for a WHILE actually, which can be seen in the way he runs around doing things 24/7, from being VP to building El Rapids to forming the butcher army. He believes in planting roots and creating legacies. He sees two people, one who does nothing and another who tried to do something but was left in the dust, and brings them the offer of being part of his own legacy. If he has one, and they're at his side, they're assured to have one as well.

Foolish's situation is similar, but instead of legacies it's the idea of being alone. Quackity is detrimentally dependent on others. He cannot be left alone, he starts freaking out and getting desperate and panicky. This comes from the fact that he's hardly been alone, but especially him having two fiances + george to seek out and be around when he needs them and he's purposefully avoiding all three of them. He's searching for new support systems who WON'T leave him. So he tells Foolish that his summer home is worthless because there's no one there. That he's alone and weak and vulnerable. If he goes to Nevadas, if he is around Quackity, then he won't be alone! But... which "he" is the real subject here?

All in all, he's just terrified of being abandoned and forgotten so he's scrambling tirelessly to find people to be around, even taking in that weird human-shaped slime that was hiding in the kitchen. ANYONE will do. As long as he can buy their loyalty. As long as he can buy their attention. It'll all be okay.

And for the record, Wilbur will either recognize this behavior as bad and try and stop it, or... he'll only promote it more by being someone Quackity won't feel he has to buy. So that will certainly be interesting.

#dsmp #/rp #c!quackity #c!q #this got longer than i meant for it to... not very long but still #🦆 anon #??#💌

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yuukei-yikes · 1 year

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What are your thoughts on whatever tf is going on between Kano and Shintaro post-str?

HEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEH OK LISTEN TO ME

kano is so in love with shintaro its embarrassing like ive reread the novels recently and girl.... hes down so bad its so embarrassing fgkjfdghjkfdghjhgnkjdhgkjdkj like post str shintaro has all this tomfoolery going on with ayano right. and kano...oh my god like.

kano finally got everything he wanted. everything he worked so hard for and acted kind of an ass for is here and now he's just like...left with all this self hatred and guilt bc hes like damn i shut out my siblings and dealed with all this myself and was a dick to this guy who wasnt even knowingly related to all this shit and i. got away with it? like i got everything i wanted? my sister is back? so he's just VERY depressed and feels so undeserving and guilty

everyone else is like in a relationship or whatever (im not a fan of when every single character has a love interest but damn kagepro does romance so fucking well has anyone ever noticed. anyways) and eventually before he realises it kano is living on his own and he's just generally so lost and without purpose and augh *dies* WAIT THIS WAS ABT KANOSHIN

sry i cant talk abt a ship if i dont talk a lil bit abt the characters themselves. like ok kano has All That going on and ON TOP OF IT.... HE LIKES HIS SISTER'S BOYFRIEND. THE SISTER HE'S BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO NOT LET GO OF ALL THIS TIME. THE SISTER HE'S SO INSANELY HAPPY TO HAVE BACK. so of course that makes him spiral down into guilt even more. shintaro and kano are sort of madeup too bc ok i know in the Good End we dont rly see moments like in the novels like kano coming clean abt clearing eyes or disguising himself as ayano but i like to think these moments happen at some point anyway. so going by this kano and shintaro ARE on good terms, shintaro has forgiven kano, he's all cute smiling to him and kanos like AUUUGHHH. and sort of. reverts back to being a little bit of a dick to him.

not super directly but sort of how he was at the beginning, acting how he acts with everyone but there's like a Vibe. shintaro notices and hes like damn i thought we were ok but ig its because im dating ayano and he's overprotective. and that's rly part of the reason too!! shintaros relationship with ayano is sososo messy so kano is so ANGRY because this asshole is out there making his sister cry!!! idiot bitch!!! BUT ALSO HE STILL LIKES HIM

i think when shintaro and ayano have Their Break kano and shintaro have a fucked up little thing that neither would qualify as a relationship bc both are busy hating themselves but like. they definitely kiss you know what i mean. that pic that's like we both have problems that making out won't solve but it can't make it any worse (except it does because this is so fucking messy KANO IS SHINTARO'S (EX AT THE TIME I DONT THINK HE'D CHEAT)GIRLFRIEND'S BROTHER. THAT SUCKS SO BAD FOR HER) also shintaros internal homophobia etc etc etc. lol a fucked up moment of shintaro practicing apologizing to ayano with kano disguising himself as her bc hey i need to practice while looking at her face. and its so messed up for them both. theyre the worst

when shintaro and ayano are back together he would tell her while kano would take it to his grave and augh it brings drama between ayano and kano which is exactly the last thing kano would ever want and hes so mad at shintaro. ayano isnt rly mad she's just surprised and worried for kano, because she doesnt rly see it as omg so fucked up my brother likes my bf she rather sees it like my brother is in pain and currently suffering from unrequited(?) love i need to help him!! and starts kind of helicoptering over kano and eventually kano has a breakdown etcetcetc i dont have an ending for this but these are basically my thoughts lol

ofc there's also shintaro just dates both and/or doesn't get back together with ayano... those are also good options that i like too heh

#ask tag #headcanons #kanoshin #ayashin divorce

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wiltking · 3 years

Text

no one asked for this but here’s a brief explanation for every song on my burakhovsky playlist. it includes brief lyric translations and breakdowns.

disclaimer; ive only played classic and i havent completely finished it either. also im not 100% fluent in russian, but i do try my best.

---

yellow love

all i feel is celestial desire a distant joy is dancing all around me all i see is yellow in the spring air how beautifully the color worked itself in

the only track on this playlist that's in english but it was too good to leave out. the most obvious connection is the color yellow - a nod to the yellow tone of areas that have survived infection and become safezones for a day. the comfort of walking through one of those yellow zones and knowing that you're safe, at least for a moment.

it also sets the foundation for a few other songs down the line with the celestial theme - the feverish celestial pull of love.

---

океан // ocean

Ты видишь, что взгляд мой усталый // you see the tiredness in my eyes Мой друг, верни мне покой // my friend, bring me back to peace Мой друг, верни мне покой // my friend, bring me back to peace

i know there is no ocean in the steppe. but if you substitute for steppe for ocean in this context, it works well enough. and if you think about it, a sea of grass is still a sea. and more importantly this song is about a desire for peace. about having no where to go back to but the place you are currently in. and wanting to stay here, forever and ever.

Hо я не вернусь, я весь твой // but i won't go back, i'm all yours

and that part just gets to me.

---

мякоть // pulp (the meat of fruit)

я вырастил сердце на грядке // i grew my heart in a garden надеюсь, оно там в порядке // i hope its okay there я вырастил сердце на грядке // i grew my heart in a garden просил поливать его часто // and asked to water it often

this whole song is a goldmine and i could go through it line by line but to keep it simple i see this song being about the time when daniil inevitably leaves town on gorkhon, goes back home to his dear thanatica, and yearns for the heart he left behind. and he knows he left it there, it was a conscious decision, but it still pains him in a distant way.

и мякоть, и мягкость, и нежность // and pulp and softness and tenderness созрели довольно поспешно // ripen rather quickly но я не тороплюсь его слушать // but im in no hurry to listen to [the heart]

and daniil doesn't regret leaving, he knows it was the right decision because he still has so much he needs to do. but that doesn't lessen the ache. and the yearning for softness and tenderness.

хоть что-то решить - это сложно // to decide on something is difficult я с радостью срезал бы ножиком // i'd gladly sever it with a knife

and when the yearning builds - he feels stuck, torn between two places - the town and artemy, and his studies and livelihood in thanatica. and he almost wishes he could cut all ties. but he can't, because the heart doesn’t deserve to rot or wilt. because its full of pulp and softness and tenderness.

---

рельсы // rails (traintracks)

мы сегодня сонные // we are sleepy today но мы рядом // but we're near (almost there) это должно избавить от яда // this should get rid of the poison

this song connects to мякоть by referring to the destination of a train ride as a garden. in other words, the town on gorkhon is a garden, in which daniil is inevitably returning to. and only once he gets there, will he be able to breathe.

расскажи, кто ты такой, // tell me about who you are почему всегда налегке // and why its always light давай говорить // lets talk на любом языке // in any language

initially i took this as a nod to how you can play the game in russian or english, but after further consideration i like the thought of it meaning that danill eventually learns more of the kin's language, enough to carry conversations in it with artemy.

---

то что рождает весна // what spring gives birth to

Запутался, кто я и для чего создан // confused about who i am and what i was created for И что между нами случилось тогда // and what happened between us then

i think this speaks for itself.

Мы плавно перешли с тобой на «ты» // we smoothly switched to [using the casual pronoun] 'you'

re: this exchange in patho 2:

Daniil: Так что и вы не смейтесь надо мной, коллега. Как вас там… эрдэм. so, don't you [formal] laugh at me, colleague. how are you... erdem? Artemy: Ты проверял?.. То есть… вы проверяли? you [casual] checked? ... rather... you [formal] checked? Daniil: Можно и на ты. Да, проверял. It's okay to use 'you' [casual]. Yes, I checked.

---

рассвет // sunrise

Каменный остров, танцы на костях // island of stones, dancing on bones Сын девяностых помнит, кем не стал // son of the nineties remembers who he did not become Где для него место, где – покой // where is the place for him, where is the peace Это не просто, знать, что мир не твой // this is not easy - to know that the world is not yours

i see this as mostly a song about artemy. about him returning home and coming into his role there. but i also remember when daniil told block that his father wanted him to be a soldier, as well as his Conversation with the Powers That Be. so i think there's some overlap there.

Где для меня место, где покой? // where is the place for me, where is peace? Мне нужен воздух, место и покой // i need air, space and peace.

it’s all about a desire for peace. all of it.

---

дом // home

Отпусти я не буду мешать тебе найти свой дом // let me go, i won't get in the way of you finding your home Давай верить что мы в нем вдвоем // lets believe that we are in it together

Твой путь не легче чем мой / your path is not easier than mine Давай я буду идти за тобой / let me follow you

by this point i think its obvious that i see both daniil and artemy struggling to have a place that they truly feel is home. and after the events of pathologic, they have a lot of work to do as individuals when it comes to building those homes. but as much as they understand that, they still have this connection between them that makes them want to build a home together. and its about the tug and pull of their different paths, which aren't so different after all.

---

по сырой траве // on (along) damp grass

по сырой траве // on the damp grass да босой ногой // with bare feet по услуший земле // on the sleeping earth мы пойдём с тобой // we will go with you

this one is all about daniil following artemy. its about him trusting him. following his guidance about the steppe and seeing the beauty in it.

это ночь без бесаких сомнений // this night without any doubts колыбелью станет для нас // will become a cradle for us нам подарит уюта мгновение // will gift us a moment of comfort мы узнаем любовь в первый раз // we will know love for the first time

that last line just gets to me every time and i dont think i need to say any more. its about the vibe.

---

ускользает // slipping away

Я не знаю, где искать // i don't know where to look Где среди домов в холоде // where among the houses in the cold Где горит твоя молодость // where your youth is burning Не переживай, не переживай, не переживай // don't worry don't worry don't worry Не смотри как // don't look at how Ускользает // its slipping away

honestly i just love this song and wanted an excuse to listen to it more. but i also like to picture daniil and artemy growing old together.

---

родинки // [skin] moles

Я посчитаю родинки // i will count your moles Их больше сотни на тебе // there are more than a hundred of them on you Я заберу тебя с собой // i will take you with me Целоваться до утра // kiss you until morning

this one is just cute.

---

давай?! // let's go?!

Вверх по спирали, // up the spiral К черту все детали, // fuck all the details Все ракеты на старт... // all missiles on launch...

there's no question that this reminds me of daniil's canon ending in patho 1.

Выше и выше, // higher and higher Я слышу как ты дышишь, // i hear you breathing И хочу сказать...// and i want to say... Знаешь... // you know...

В городах, уже правды нет, // in cities there is no longer truth Давай мы улетим от всех?! // let's fly away from everyone!?

so if we're going along the line that daniil has destroyed the town, and he can't go back to thanatica and he has no reason to stay here in the town on gorkhon, and he has utterly no where to go, i like to think that he might have the desire to ask artemy to leave with him.

---

ты моё // you are my

поле, ты моё поле // field, you are my field

more steppe imagery.

душу и сердце моё исцели // heal my soul and heart

self-explanatory

двое, хас только двое // two, there are only two of us мы летнее солнце в осенней груди // we are the summer sun in autumn's chest

two halves of a single whole...and as healers they are the light that shines upon the town during the autumn sand pest pandemic.

---

забери // take

расскажи мне о радости дня // tell me about the joy of day нам бы только успеть до рассвета // we only have time until dawn

я хочу прикоснуться к тебе // i want to touch you [...] забери меня к себе // take me to your place

it's all about the physical intimacy. just a very gentle song that i think they deserve. all of studio’78′s songs have this gentleness to them, as well a very poetic lyrical sense that fits with them so so well.

---

доктор // doctor

когда доктор придёт // when the doctor comes скажите ему, что я уже мёртв // tell him im already dead пускай волнуется, щупает пульс // let him worry, check my pulse душа моя танцем в небе закружится // my soul that's dancing in the sky will spiral

"i'm causing problems on purpose"

---

кавказ / caucasus

к подножью самых южных гор // to the foot of the southernmost mountains я буду нежно целовать // i will kiss you tenderly как будто в самый первый раз // as if its the very first time

i just like to picture them traveling together. that's all.

---

tldr; it’s all about the нежность.

#cringe. but im free

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sambergscott · 4 years

Text

a peralta guarantee

“I promise I’ll come home safe, Ames. That’s a Peralta Guarantee.”

(missing scenes from 7x08 - amy worrying about jake)

hUge thanks to johanna for inspiring this fic and helping when i had a lil breakdown halfway through

When he approaches her desk mid-afternoon with a decaf coffee and the white chocolate chip cookies she’s been craving from the bakery across town, she knows he’s either a) broken something, b) wants something or c) has bad news. She narrows her eyes suspiciously, detecting an excited bounce in his step which can only mean it’s b and c; he wants something she’s not going to like.

“Hey, babe,” he tries to play it cool, clearing a butt-sized space on her desk on which to sit. “I come bearing gifts.”

“What do you want, Peralta?” She cuts to the chase.

“Damn it, you know me too well,” he mutters. “OK, so, here’s the thing: Doug Judy’s gettin’ married. He invited me to his Bachelor Party this weekend and I know he’s a criminal, Ames, but I really wanna go. Like, so bad. Would you be cool with that?”

She conjures up a mental pro and con list. On one hand, Doug Judy is The Pontiac Bandit, known felon, committer of God knows how many crimes, an overall bad dude. On the other, he’s Jake’s friend, singer of the smush songs CD in the glove box of their car that they always forget to take out, giver of the Le Creuset pot she adores. He’s always been nice to her and—.

“Sarge?” Gary interrupts her decision-making process with a quick question about a perp he just brought in, snapping her back to reality. She’s a Police Sergeant, her job is to serve and protect the city they call home and as much as she loves cooking her mom’s beef casserole recipe in Judy’s awesome wedding gift, she has a responsibility to bring him in.

“I’m sorry, babe. I just think it’s a bad idea.”

His face falls, his disappointment coming through loud and clear.

“What were you expecting me to say? Ignore the million arrest warrants out on this guy, many of them submitted by you, so you can drink beer and go to strip clubs?”

“You’re right,” he sighs. “You’re obviously right. Man, being good at your job sucks.”

She nods in agreement. “Remember last month when I had to shut that binder store down for running a secret drug dealing operation out back?”

“How could I forget? You cried for three days straight.”

“They had the best binder collection I’ve ever seen!”

(It was actually what was so fishy about it. In four trips to buy pregnancy binders, she hadn’t seen any of the founding members of the Brooklyn Binder Babes blog — Mary Sue, Catherine, Margaret or Jane — once. And there’s no way a stationery start-up would attract such long queues without their recommendation. It was a pretty easy solve from there).

“The point is, you can’t go to a criminal’s Bachelor Party.” She pats his hand. “You’ll just have to come maternity clothes shopping with me instead. None of my jeans fit me anymore.”

“As much as I would love to, you can take Kylie. I’m going to the party.”

“What?” She double-takes. “Jake, did you not listen to what I literally just said? We’re cops. We cannot be friends with criminals.”

“But we can be friends with informants who have helped us catch numerous, even bigger, more dangerous criminals,” he says with that look on his face, the one he gets when he finds a loophole that he can use to his advantage. She recognises it from home videos Karen has shown her where, instead of tidying his room like she asked him to, seven year old Jake shoves everything under his bed and carries on enacting a police chase with his race cars. “Captain Holt has given him immunity before, so technically I should be able to go party it up with him in Miami!”

“Wait... It’s in Miami? Miami... Florida?”

It’s a stupid question, she knows. Of course he means Miami, Florida. It’s just... they both promised on the flight home that they would never, ever go back there. After everything that happened with Figgis and not knowing if they’d ever see each other again, a statewide travel ban seemed a good way to put it all behind them, focus on all their future moments together, not on all the moments they missed.

“This isn’t like last time,” he reassures her. “It’s only for a weekend and then I’ll be coming straight home for snuggles with you and —,” he lowers his voice to a whisper because they haven’t told anyone she’s pregnant yet, “the baby.”

Her eyes fill with tears and she bites her lip so hard to stop them overflowing in front of all her uniformed officers. It’s pretty clear that he wants to go and she never wants to be one of them wives who control their husbands’ every move. All she wants is for him to be happy. And if going to Doug Judy’s Bachelor Party makes him happy, he should go, no matter how much she hates the entire state of Florida. She agrees, on one condition: “You have to text me hourly updates to let me know that you’re still alive.”

“Don’t I text you constantly anyway?”

“I guess so,” she sniffs.

He lifts her chin so she’s looking him in the eyes. “I promise I’ll come home safe, Ames. That’s a Peralta guarantee.”

“You better,” she warns, tears suddenly flowing down her face at the thought of him not coming home, not being there to watch Property Brothers with her, not raising their baby and proving to everyone what a great dad he will be.

Used to her extra strength pregnancy hormones shifting her emotions from 0 to 100 faster than John McClane can say “Yippie-Ki-Yay, motherfucker”, he pulls her into a tight hug, careful not to crush the precious cargo that is behind said mood swings.

He strokes her hair and whispers that he’ll be home before she knows it and that nothing, not even the worst state in the country, will tear him away from her.

When it’s time for him to leave, she follows him out to the street and, after a brief argument over the fact he packed his bag before he OK’ed the trip with her and another hormone-induced cry when his cab shows up, reluctantly waves goodbye.

True to his word, he texts her before the car is even out of sight. Miss you already 😘.

Her phone buzzes periodically throughout the rest of the day.

In a meeting with Holt and Terry: flying on mark cuban’s dope ass private plane!!!!! ✈️

Cooking dinner: florida is HOT (not as hot as u babe, dont worry)

Doing her crossword in bed: g’night ames, g’night baby, love u both SO MUCH

She smiles, tells him she loves him too and braces herself for the barrage of drunk texts and selfies coming her way.

Sleeping without him sucks. The bed is cold, her pregnancy pillow is not as good of a cuddle buddy and she tosses and turns all night worrying about him, where he is, what he’s doing, whether he’s safe.

Her eyes finally slip shut around 1 am when her phone buzzes. Again. And again. And again.

She tries to ignore him, bury her head under her pillow and go back to sleep, but the messages keep coming thick and fast. She groans, giving up and unlocking her phone.

There are 47 new messages from him.

Forty-seven.

Her initial annoyance at being woken up quickly disappears as she scrolls through the thread. He’s mostly sent her random, meaningless emojis and keysmashes, interspersed with the odd “I love you”, “you’re my best friend” and “I’m thinking about you” that warm her heart. He mentions something about their proposal, about crying with Doug Judy, which obviously makes her cry too.

(Dumb pregnancy hormones).

By the time she reaches the bottom, he’s sent her 10 more.

She decides for her sake — and the sake of all of her officers who would have to deal with a tired, emotional pregnant lady — to turn off her phone and reply to him in the morning.

She returns her phone to her nightstand, settles back into a comfortable position and closes her eyes.

She lies motionless for what feels like hours, unable to fall asleep. She tries the breathing technique her brother David brags about constantly, counting sheep like little Matthew, even reciting police codes like Teddy used to go to sleep after sex. Nothing works. She’s still awake.

She turns her phone back on to see what Jake’s up to now, only to see his messages ended abruptly with a caterpillar emoji over an hour ago.

She immediately panics, dialling 911 into her phone.

Her thumb hovers over the green call button.

She’s heard thousands of crazy operator call stories, frequently reminded the general population to only call in a genuine emergency and watched the YouTube compilations for fun. She deletes the number, positive that if she told an operator her husband was missing because she hadn’t heard from him while he’s at a Bachelor Party, she’s positive she would be added to those videos.

In an attempt to stop her spiral, she contemplates the possible scenarios in which his constant texts would cease.

Scenario 1: He’s living in the moment and has put his phone away (something she has been encouraging him to do lately to reduce his screen time)

Scenario 2: He’s very drunk and has completely forgotten about his promise

Scenario 3: He used up all his battery texting her and his phone has died

Scenario 4: He’s fallen asleep (although a quick check of Trudy Judy’s insta reveals the party is very much still in full flow)

Scenario 5: Judy’s criminal buddies have killed him and thrown his body into the ocean

Once the thought pops into her head, no amount of squeezing her eyes shut will make the image go away.

Holt giving an emotional eulogy about wearing ties and being an amazing detective/genius.

Some rookie taking over his desk.

The sympathetic looks when she tells all the other moms in baby group that her husband died.

Usually Jake is there to hold her when her nightmares get bad. She rolls over, expecting to see his kind eyes and soft smile, the untouched side of his bed only serving to make her cry harder.

She can’t lose him. Not yet. Not until they’re old and grey, and maybe not even then. She spent so long denying her feelings for her dorky partner, rueing every missed opportunity to be together, and when they finally, finally took the plunge, she had never been happier. She can’t lose him yet. They have so much more life left to live.

She can’t lose him because he promised her he would come home safe. He guaranteed it.

She clings onto the tiny grain of hope like one might cling onto a raft in the middle of the ocean.

He would never break a Peralta guarantee.

Her phone finally buzzes again an hour later.

From: Unknown

Ames, it’s me, Jake. Judy’s buddies found out I’m a cop + destroyed my phone. So sorry I couldn’t text before. Hope you didn’t worry too much, although I know you probably haven’t slept. You can stop worrying now. I’m safe. Love you + see you tomorrow.

Love you too, she responds, yawning as she places the phone back on the side table.

Relieved that he’s OK, and exhausted from all the worrying, she falls into the easiest sleep she’s ever had.

Before she knows it, it’s the next afternoon, Jake’s keys are turning in the lock, he’s dropping his holdall on the floor and rushing to her side to kiss her all over her face.

“I missed you too,” she laughs, kissing him properly.

“Sorry it took so long — Doug and Trudy made me fly commercial —.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re home now. That’s all that matters.”

“I’m never leaving you two again,” he swears.

“You’ll have to leave us eventually to go to the bathroom and stuff,” she points out, raking her fingers through the unruly curls that she so hopes their baby will inherit. “Just don’t go back there.”

A solemn understanding passes over his face and he nods. “Never again. Not even if our kid wants to go to Disney World. We’ll take them to the California one instead.”

“Smort,” she says, stealing his line and in an instant, that familiar grin is back.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

A dozen memories flood back, of oldies in short shorts and shuffleboard and Doug Judy getting away again. Of noice and smort and saying “I love you” for the very first time. Her eyes fill with tears — dumb pregnancy hormones strike again — as she buries her face in his shoulder.

“Let’s go to bed,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and lifting her bridal style to carry her to their room. He places her carefully onto the mattress and flops down next to her.

She snuggles into him, eyes closing once more. “Did we even get an invite to the wedding?”

“Not even close,” he sighs.

“Damn it. I would’ve loved to see that trainwreck.”

“You and me both, babe. You and me both.”

#b99 fic #jake x amy #my writing #it's taken me 2 full days to write this lemme know what you think

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Sometimes after a mini-breakdown like yesterday I feel refreshed, like I've vented everything and can pick up and continue. Sometimes I feel exhausted and abandoned. I think I feel a little of both today. I've been trying to figure out whether I should try to do some nice things for myself and hope I feel better, or just let it pass. I think if i try to do nice things I'll feel worse. Because its not really what i want, and I'm not able to have what I want, and I'll get frustrated at that. I'll want to feel better and have something for trying and that's one thing that can make me spiral or crave alcohol or whatever.

I think I just need to wait it out. Resign myself to feeling like shit. That way I wont spiral and I wont be tempted to drink or smoke. I did this before, when I finally managed to get down to drinking once a week. The first week was horrible and I had no support through it so the only way to do it was to just feel shit and let it happen.

I guess it's just that again. I cant keep drinking as much as I have been recently, and I dont even know why I smoked. I dont even like cigarettes that much. I like them occasionally. Like every few months. But I hate the smell, I hate the cost, I hate how it makes my throat feel and what it does to my voice. I dont want it. And I dont want there to be yet another thing I cant control about myself. Especially not when it's something I beat before. I tried quitting for years before I finally succeeded a few years ago, and I dont want to get stuck with it again.

But it makes me feel really empty to just not have those things. If I cant try to fill the void with alcohol and cigarettes, I just have to be aware of it and feel it and I dont know if I can. Probably need to bring my giant teddybear back into my bedroom so I have a lap to sit in and pretend I'm safe and loved.

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gayspock · 3 years

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scheduled meltdown post of the night, hugs and kisses (dont rb/rply)

ever consider how its all just been a long, neverending stretch of emptiness. constantly waiting and waiting and waiting. a lifetime spent settled between the cracks, not really existing in any space at all... every fucking day has been this. literally just this exact same day as far as i can remember where imjust fucking sad alone in a room. and i dont know . i think abt all the days ive spent like tht: how theyre uncountable at this point, and im jsut fucking miserable and so hopeless to stop it. and they slip by me, now. so, so many in this endless fucking onslaught of more empty, wasted fucking times and more days to point to to think about wht a mistake it is to be alive, how it just is not worth it, more days of it refusing to ever improve as its all, always just been this downwards spiral and ... do you kno wht i mean. like no matter wht i do i just end up back here: more alone and sadder than i was before like its just. reaffirming to me tht ive been RIGHT and man!!! why am i not right- there really is no actual damn answer tht anything or anyone can provide, ive never been able to find any comfort in all these years bc i jsut dont think there fucking ever is gonna be one man. like theres never going to be a reason to be alive and i really have just ... wasted my own time being miserable and proving to myself that which i already know and i jsut. fuck man i dont know.

god escapism has its problems. for one it isnt workin tonight but also god. fcking hell even trying to think abt reality in the most basic of fucking terms... i forget how much tht makes me fuckin break down sometimes. i dont want to be anywhere any more. i dont wnt to think abt what life i might have to lead if i keep going on. the thought of fucking waking up every day for years jsut fucking makes me lose it and i cant take it. i cant take being alive like this!!! and yet what is there to do, king, bc this is just the only thing i can ever manage or ever achieve - it’s all i seem to be worth!!!!! and im just sad im sad bc i just cant do anything and nothing feels right and i cant stand the thought of anything and i feel alone i feel so alone all the damn time do you kno wht i mean like i just dont know whts wrong with me, i fucking wish i could, but for all the trying to fix it and not fix it and fix it again it just never means anything and . i dont wnt to be tht guy constantly reopening old wounds but its impossible bc its like. thats all there ever is and im so , so , so fucking sick of it. its so fucking sick and immature to still be crying abt all the ways you’ve felt alienated back to fucking. god knows. early childhood and yet thts just... the only thing you have , and the only thin tg theres ever been thats a constant is just . sitting in a dark room! alone! fucking sobbing! thinking abt all the other times youve felt trapped like this ! how each time you fucking breakdown it doesnt matter bc no ones ever going to actually care but . then u think. man honestly i rlly wouldnt care either and i dont i dont wnt to be alive for me, i cant fucking stand it i cant fucking cope with it , babe. im so bloody useless at everything and it isnt even funny. nothing brings me any happiness but on such a fucking superficial stupid level and its so fleeting and impermanent and i wish it could substantiate it but i cant man i cant live like that , i cant ljsutlive my life fucking forcing it down my throat when i just cant cope with the rest of this like babe i cant function ihavent functioned right in years. im coasting and have been for such a long, long fucking time but its going to run out and its coming up so fast . i dont know how i will do it. i dont have the will to fucking eat half the time, or the will to wake up ebcause i just know its not going to matter a damn thing. i cant claw my way back and im not worth saving and i jsut keep thinkin abt how im really gonna end up fuckin dead and its going to be like all the days like today where nobody knows and its going to pass and it was all just that, every instance of my life was jsut fucking like that and it never mattered a single second never fuckin mattered i was miserable and i was right! not only that but everyone was right abt me, tht i wa sjust this! always was going to be just this and and god where am i goin with this i dnt know. i dont know i just sometimes wish i had something, anything, at this point i just i dont know im sad im sad and i want wht i cant have i want to feel pretty and loved and feel some sort of anything for anything but i can t and i jsut fucking hang around in an empty room crying and even the shit i used to do it sjust makes me burst into tears to the point where all i can stand is the most mind numbing fucking mobile game tht i can repeat for hours and hours until i pass out and i cant think it cant be anything where i can think or else its gone babe and

like hell god ok god bitch. again with the old wounds. i just think about all the fucking times in the past ive jsut felt that aching loneliness and how when i was younger it was easy to think tht i jsut kept trying someone might like me and not just in a novelty way but might actually take me seriously on some fuckin lovel but it jsut never happens i just. i feel like the best i can ever be is jsut . a fucking punchline or some stupid shadow tht jsut ends up following ppl around and i try i reall y have tried in the past but just every single time i just ... like its online and offline and its with anyone and everyone and i dnt know. my family dont love me and i jsut. idk . some ppl talk abt how quarantine has affected them in terms of loneliness but it has not.. changed anyhting in that regard for me its justbeen this i dont talk to anyone theres been years where i didnt and it did nothing but made it harder for me to function i didnt fucking see anyone for years and i can go months and months without a single person realising i exist and i jsut hate it man. i just hate it and how tired i am and how much it takes and how even if i do expend all the energy i have i jsut end up rotting and miserable and even more upset because in those cases i ve tried and ive wanted and ive still ended up sad and alone bc thts what happens then! when i do try i just get all cut up bc im still not good enough and never good enough , and i dont know why im just not good enough for anything but again i just. i feel like ive been shutting down for years now bc i cant do anything its not just this ! its everything the most fundamental parts abt me and i dont know. ive always had lots of issues with tht but i jsut... its uncontrollable now it really fucking is i try to do uni work and my heads just swimming and none of it connects i cant fucking pt anything together i cant fucking function cant get up cant manage i jsut. why should i man why and its like. i give up i really do but its like. so what i say i give up wht does THAT even matter bc its just me fucking screaming at myself and its as ever unchanging as everything seems to be. i can try and it means nothing i can keel over and die and it means nothing i just want to shake and break something and to feel like i exist and ppl can still fuckn see me and idk i was a brat fucking kid and heaven knows i fucking deserved half i got but fuckn sometimes i wnt to just feel at least some of tht again just fuckn anger and upset at least and to burn and to act out but even that just . i know it runs hollow in the end and its still so meaningless its still nothing bc at the end of the day nobdy is gonna love u and u still fucking die empty . what was i saying. fcking god i feel so gross im sweating its 5am i have shit to do at 9am, i ahev a meeting i have to minute at noon im going to screw it all up i just keep doing that babe! i just k

#egg.txt #suicide mention #just all loads of emo shite #god i cant sleep tonight and im just having a MOMENT you know

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