#so like. on my birthday friday my mom called to tell me that our family dog for like 14 years had to be put down | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blankwashed · 7 days

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Content Warnings: 18+ stuff here, ddlg (daddy dom, little girl), broken family, pretty rough sex, Toji himself should be a warning-

You let out a big sigh. It was probably the hardest or easiest essay you have ever gotten academically. It was an easy question for the rest of your classmates as they were happily writing away about their parents or guardians, thinking about the happy holidays and birthdays that they have received throughout their life.

15 minutes have passed and your paper was still blank, without even a paragraph structure. What could you write about your father? Sure, he wasn’t your actual father per se but your mother married him ever since you were a child so that counts, right?

At the age of 6, your mom kept going out on Friday nights, leaving you to be taken care of by your aunts and uncles. She would leave until it was Sunday night when she picks you up and brings you home. In the mind of a little child, you figured she went out for work purposes but in reality, she was going on dates with a special man whom you would eventually call dad.

Sometimes, she leaves you at home with food already prepared and brings him over. Of course, she would place your toys around the television and goes into the bedroom with the man. As you were innocent, you thought that they were both talking about business as your mother always looks pleased whenever she comes out of the room. A little tired, but a smile on her face.

This went on for 2 years until she came to you saying that you’ll finally have a father figure in your life. Of course, he was your father. The striking, muscular, tall man built like a soldier. Sometimes he made your heart beat faster and louder when he was around the home minding his own business. He watched you grow up into the gorgeous and pretty girl you are now. Attending teacher-parent meetings when necessary, signing documents and being your personal chauffeur whenever you and your friends wanted to go for outings to malls.

Behind all of that, you kept a deep and dark secret from everyone. Something you would not even tell your best friend or even a fly.

“Nyah! Daddy, sore from P.E. class yesterday! My teacher asked us to run laps and I think I overdid myself-“

He thrusted himself deeper into your dry pussy while his fingers were forming quick circles around your clitoris.

Sure, he filled the gap in your mom’s life when your actual dad left. But that wasn’t the only thing he was filling. Toji isn’t blind or stupid. Maybe a little out of his mind but as a man, he watched you grow up. Breasts forming, hips enlarging. It would be a lie if you say you didn’t secretly touched yourself thinking about him.

“No buts, bitch. Today was a hard day at work and the only thing that could make my day is your tight pussy. Mmm, thankfully it’s still tight,,,,,” He pushed himself deeper multiple times while playing with your clit. You were in pain due to the lack of foreplay and you remembered an idea you had in school during Arts class.

It was always something you’ve wanted to try. Running towards your school bag, rummaging through all your utensils.

Found it. A thick flowy strip of red ribbon.

“C‘mere daddy, let me decorate you before I feast on you,” smirking while tying a beautiful ribbon around his leaking hard cock. “Look daddy! It’s giving me a reward for making it look so appealing~” you said, referring to the trickles of pre-cum dripping.

Toji was about x years older than you. This wasn’t the first time he saw a chick gawking (no pun intended) at his length. Obviously that was also the way your own mother knew that he was the man for her.

“Getting creative, are we? Let daddy reward you for giving our play-time a little more effort,” he says lowly while playing with your left nipple with his tongue. His big hands always perform wonders on the rest of your body while his prize winning cock was busy elsewhere on your body.

Your moans were and are melodies to his ears. You weren’t big on being able to form sentences while getting fucked silly, however…

“Please daddy! I-I’m your little dirty slut, make me come daddy! I need it, I NEED you! Daddy…” you tried to touch your clit with your fingers but they were swatted away by his hand.

“When has it ever been about what you want, toy?” he spit on your pussy, and started to rub vigorously. It was in no way pleasurable and it hurt.

You knew he was doing this on purpose and knew that it wouldn’t get better if you kept disobeying his commands. With both your mom and Megumi away, he made you sit on the family’s dining table. Pushing away everything that could be in the way of him and you.

He pushed you down, readying himself to slurp on his wet, awaiting treasure. You were still a mess, moaning and screaming his name. “Daddy please, don’t make me wait any longer, please daddy,,,” your toes start curling and you could feel the long awaited climax reaching.

“Cumming daddy!!! Shit, I fucking love you-“ you screamed as you came while holding onto his broad shoulders. Your mind was as if it was in a different world, a world where Toji, your step-dad was yours. Where you didn’t have to hide your feelings towards him and you could touch him romantically and sexually in public.

so fucking horny for toji, are we???? (we as in me)

#toji smut #toji fushiguro #toji zenin #jjk smut #fics #help #im having semester break but i just want toji to help me ace my classes #daddy toji #smut #toji x reader

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kernyen-xo · 3 days

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Here we go. It’s a long one.

My aunt is dying. Any day now, her son told the family. So, everyone flocked to see her, including mom, which entailed a 17-hour train ride from San Diego to Sacramento. My brother and I usually meet up in Bakersfield to deliver the momster because she refuses to fly and now refuses to take the train. Of course, doing the Bakersfield thing is a pain, especially if you’re not a morning person because I have to leave by 4:30 am to make sure I’m in Bakersfield by 10. Now, really, I’m glad for it in the end because I’m back home by 2:30-3p.

This time around, mom had to take the train because she was afraid her sister would die before she got to see her. So, mom was insistent she had to leave asap, which meant no Bakersfield trip since my brother and I had to work.

Easy-peasy.

That is, except this last weekend. Mom arrived Friday night near midnight (17-hour train ride, remember?). The next day we see Auntie Sally. That night, I go to the birthday celebration for me, the kid, and grandkid. Mom didn’t want to go.

Anyway.

I assumed my brother and I would meet up in Bakersfield the following weekend, which is a-ok. I have plenty of time to rest and mentally rev myself for the trip, which is something I need to do. Otherwise, without this precious time, I don’t handle it well.

Guess what? Mom wants to leave the next day. I’m like, wait, what? But, I just say ok and quietly freak out inside. This really changes everything. I tell my granddaughter, who is staying the weekend with me to shower at night, that all she has to do is roll out of bed the next am and get in the car where she can sleep.

Easy-peasy, right?

Except, when we arrive in Bakersfield, my brother is not at our meeting place. He’s always there first - always. The guy is an extreme morning person, up every day by 4am. In fact, I thought it was weird that he didn’t call once asking me for an update of my progress.

Long story short. I know, too late.

He thought the mom delivery wasn’t taking place until the following weekend. I was thinking, ok, we’ll head back home and try this again next weekend. But mom? No way. She refuses to go and suggests I leave her there to wait for my brother. Really? Like, I’d do that, and she knows I’d never do that.

So, after drinking a lot of beverages, shopping at WalMart and Nordstrom’s Rack, my brother arrives. He must have booked it because what’s usually almost a 5-6 hour drive, he made it in 3.

The grandkid and me were home by 6:30. I apologized to her for how the day went. She said, what a day! I agreed. We really didn’t get to spend quality time together. I was supposed to take her home that night, but I was so exhausted that I asked if the kid could take her instead, which she did.

The last-minute trip was hard on me. I remember the days when I could drive in a pinch no problem! Those days are gone. I missed work on Monday to recuperate. Ya, this old gal ain’t what she used to be.

And now, I need to get ready for work.

Thx for reading.

Have a good day :)

Toods!

#this has been a kernyen update #20240425

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thatbanditqueen · 1 year

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The Late Night Dayton Gig

A One Shot Written for the Prompt: Do it again. Please.

From Elvis’ concert performance in Dayton, OH April 7, 1972

Warnings: Drug use implied and being fucked up described. Curse words. Angst. Somehow this is even less smutty than the last one. And I have a “at least one scene” general smut rule for my writing. What has happened to me? I wrote this very quickly and there are many typos.

Summary: Alex is helping her mom close up the family deli in Dayton, OH when they get a last minute rush catering order for a special VIP client.

Word Count: 2,788

Friday, April 7, 1972 5 p.m. Katz Delicatessen

Not far from the University of Dayton Arena

The cool air carried a loose piece of paper and it hit the window next to where Alex sat, startling her as she finished writing out the inventory she had just taken in the deli’s ledger. She stopped to clean her glasses with the hem of her simple, brown floral dress and looked up to see her mother lean against the office door way.

“I’m almost done, Mama, have you boxed up the cake for Ellie’s birthday yet? Think we should do it before or after I take her out?”

Mama sighed, wiping her hands on her dirty apron.

“You have to cancel tonight, tell Ellie we’ll celebrate tomorrow.”

Alex put her glasses back on, frowning.

“What? No, it’s all set, Randy is meeting us for dinner at home, then he got us on the guest list at that new night club down down, The Nitty Gritty. Ellie only turns 21 once. Why would I cancel?”

“Oy, because I just got a call from Stu.”

“Myerwitz?”

“Mhmmm. They have a rush catering order, and the hotel kitchen is already overwhelmed with two weddings and a Christening. And the party is tonight.”

“Tough titties Mama.” Alex stood, slamming the ledger shut. “Not our problem.”

Mama walked over, looking to Alex’s face, her hand on her shoulder.

“Oh babushka, I hate when you talk like that. It’s too much money to turn down. Stu won’t tell me who, but it’s a VIP client, very very VIP. Five thousand dollars.”

Alex’s face dropped. “Well, that should have been the first thing you said, I guess.” She sat down and took out a piece of paper. “How are we gonna prepare that much food in time for a dinner party? And who can I get to work it?” She started making notes on her piece of paper, writing the date at the top, and then “VIP River West Hotel Dinner Party.”

“It’s a late dinner, party, midnight I think. And who else, Sasha? You, Randy and Ellie.”

Alex looked back out the window, reaching up to adjust the messy brown bun at the top of her head. “Ughhh, happy 21st birthday, and by the way, you’ll be spending it working with me and your boyfriend at a dinner party for some schmuck who can’t plan in advance.” She looked at her mother. “Please tell me that part of the five grand was the rush order, it’s not really five thousand dollars worth of food and wait staff?”

“Stu said 100 people, so I told him $50 a head.”

Alex smiled. “Good.”

***************************************************************************************************

“I’m not paying $50 a head, sorry lady, but that’s highway robbery.”

Alex’s eyes narrowed at the chubby, jowl faced bastard in front of her and she whistled at Ellie and Randall to stop plating the deviled eggs and the brisket appetizers.

“Um, that was the agreed upon fee when this booking was made, so unless I get a check for five grand right now, we are taking our food and walking.” Alex tucked her leather notebook under her arm, and smoothed her black, button down blouse before clenching her right hand into a fist. She was about to blow her top if this small, horrible little troll said another word to her that wasn’t yes. Ma’am. Right away.

“Lady, that wasn’t a part of any agreement I made. I’ll do $25 a head, no more. What are you going to do, throw this food away?”

Alex tightened her jaw, squishing up her mouth in contempt as she walked over to the side of the kitchen where food trays sat lined in three enclosed, steel carts, and began returning the food on the counter to them.

“OK, guys, start packing up, I’m done. I’d rather give this food to a homeless shelter than take any money from a two-bit, schister trying to hustle us on a last minute rush order for some mysterious VIP.”

Ellie swallowed a guffaw, grinning in disbelief at her sister, before nodding, and boxing the eggs back up. Randy stirred himself and followed suit.

Joe put his hand on Alex’s shoulder as she closed up a full trolley and moved to push it out of the kitchen area and back through the Presidential Suite.

“Now honey, listen, why don’t we —”

Alex nudged his hand off her shoulder with a scowl, the trolley wheels squeaking out as she began to push it out of the kitchen.

“Don’t you honey me, you snake. We received a phone call at 3:30 pm. That’s seven hours ago, ordering a full buffet dinner for a 100 people, with staff. The type of order I book months in advance. And I was told that if we could swing the rush timeline it would be a sweet five thousand. Now you’re trying to honey me into half of the agreed upon amount?”

Alex stopped at the large double doors at the front of the suite to shake her fist at Joe.

“Fuck you, fuck your VIP boss, and here’s a tip, if you want a woman to know you take her serious in any professional negotiation or discussion, don’t call her honey, ok?” Alex grabbed the door and pulled it open as she looked back at Joe. “Cuz I am not your —”

Just as she rotated to pull the cart into the corridor, Alex found herself lurching into the pale, sweaty, hairy chest of one Elvis Presley, who paused wiping his face with the towel around his neck to catch her by the shoulders as she gasped.

“Whooo there honey, you ok?” His lavender glasses were upside down, and he had been laughing with the group of guys snaking behind him into the hotel corridor.

Alex stepped back, dropping her clip board and then shaking off her stunned reaction to murmur a low “Fuck me baby Jesus,” before knocking heads with the shaggy-haired singer as they both bent down to grab her things.

“Hey now, sugar, we keep meeting like this I reckon people round here ‘ll start to talk.” He smirked, grabbing Alex’s leather bound note book and clipboard, and handing it back to her with a dramatic flair.

She nodded. “Mhmmm, yeah, usually the slight graze of bare skin is quite the scandal here in Dayton, but since your business manager has been trying to fuck me since I walked into this joint twenty minutes ago, I think the newspapers will find that more titillating, don’t you think?”

Just then, Ellie and Randy emerged from the kitchen pushing the other two trolleys, and Alex held the door wide for them as she motioned them in front of her. Ellie’s jaw dropped as she recognized Elvis and tripped on herself as she moved through the door frame.

“Go right along kids, I’m behind you.”

“K Sasha!” Randy called back, as the sound of heavy trolleys moving over the hotel carpet echoed through the hallway.

One of the younger guys stepped forward to hold the door for Alex as she grabbed the her trolley and began to shuffle back wards, only to hit the white gaberdine fabric of Elvis jumpsuit, covered the arm he had swung down to stop her retreat.

“Now, hold on just a goddamn minute, what the hell’s goin’ on? Joe? Is that my food?”

Alex’s lithe body became a battering ram as she jolted into his arm.

“Oh, it’s just a classic failure to communicate scenario. Now,” she banged harder, dislodging his arm as he pulled it back in discomfort. “Thank you, we’ll be out of your hair in just a jiffy.”

Alex stuck a terse smile over her face, and turned to drive the trolley forward while Elvis looked back at Joe, then down at her, with a confused, hurt quizzical expression. Two minutes later, she was pulling her cart into the freight elevator, only to see a long, wide hand grip the edge of the closing door and Elvis pushed his way in.

Alex looked up at him, pushing her glasses up at the bridge of her nose.

“No.”

“Honey, you don’t even know what I’m a gonna say.”

“Ok,” she sighed. “What are you gonna say?”

The elevator started to move down and Alex got a better view of his taut, thick body, emphasized by the low v neck cut of his jumpsuit that pushed up to his shoulders. Blotches of black eyeliner was smudged around his eyes, and Alex fought the urge to lick her thumb and lean up to wipe them away. She blushed as he grinned down at her, and then he fell forward over the top of the trolley toward her, resting his arms across it and then leaning his chin down in a pitiful sideways tilt.

“Don go, please sugar, bring that food back up. Joe’s getting your check ready right now. I told him six.”

Alex put her hand on her hip and quirked her mouth in a frown.

“Don’t do that. I just wanted the amount we had agreed on.” She looked up at the tiled, white lights above her, listening to the faint whir of the machinery lowering them to the bottom of the hotel.

Elvis had some how turned the tables on her, reading her like an open book that would respond to abject vulnerability as he leaned down on to the trolley and looked up at her with needy, pitiful eyes.

“OK, honey you the boss, just don’t let ol’ Joe’s repulsive manners drive you away. We are starving. Got any food in there I could have right now? ‘fore I go shower?”

“Ughhhh. Ok.” Alex shook her head back up at the tiled lights, and looked Elvis in the eyes. The black eyeliner around them made them shine brighter and sparkle in the bright florescent light of the elevator.

“OK, you’ll come back up?” He grinned. "Or, ok Elvis I got something I can put in your mouth right now?”

“Both.” Alex exhaled exasperatedly.

When the elevator doors opened, Ellie and Randy were greeted to the sight of Alex giggling as she held out a mini quiche and Elvis smacked lips open, leaning closer over the metal top of the catering trolley. “Go ‘head, honey, throw it in. I don’t bite.” Then he gnashed his teeth as she put the quiche on his tongue. “Muuuck” he said, mouth full of food.

Alex immediately jerked back, her smile dropping to a serious look as she told the others to follow back upstairs in the next elevator because the gig was back on.

*****************************************************

It was well past 3 a.m. when they got to the van and loaded up the equipment. Alex held Ellie tight in her arms while Randy warmed up the car, squeezing her as she wished her a happy birthday.

“I’m sorry we didn’t celebrate your birthday tonight.” Alex smoothed Ellie’s beautiful blonde hair. At ten years older, she had a perpetual idea of her sister as a little kid, but she wasn’t, she lived with her boyfriend and worked in a daycare. Alex had wanted Ellie to get out of Dayton, have the life she hadn’t been able to pull off. There was still time.

“It’s ok, Sasha, we’ll go out tonight, and it was worth it. I got to meet Elvis, he gave me this diamond ring.” She flashed up a golden band with a square top covered in diamonds and black stones. “And, we made seven thousand dollars -”

“Oy vey, no wonder his manager is tight, I completely sympathize with that man now. Ok, well, we have some extra for drinks tonight then.”

Waving as Randy drove the big van off, Alex went to her car, then kicked her tire as she realized she’d left her notebook upstairs. Standing up straight, she sighed and turned to drag her body back inside and up the elevator. She smiled at the young guy standing at the door of the Presidential suite, and he winked with recognition.

“Hey, um, everybody’s left - it’s just him, in there, and um —”

Alex pushed passed him, rubbing the boy’s arm. “Don’t worry, I just have to grab something quick, in and out.”

The suite was dark and she almost didn’t see the bodies on the living area couch as she quickly darted towards the kitchen.

“Hey, who’s there?”

Alex turned to see Elvis stagger up, a gun in his hand and a blonde reclining below him on the couch.

“Oh, god, fuck, I’m sorry, I left someth—”

Elvis wild demeanor softened as Alex walked closer and a grin radiated over his face. “Oh, it’s you, food honey baby. What wasss ya name….Satch ya, right?”

“Only my family gets to call me that. It’s Alex otherwise.”

“Sho baby, come here Satcha ya, come here! Come hang out…. this is, this is, what’s ya name honey?”

The blonde slurred as she fell back. “Cherrreeeeee.”

Elvis sat down, slipping his derringer into his black boot, and patting the seat next to him. “‘is is Carrie, Carrie baby, like the soong.”

45 minutes ago, as they had began packing up, Elvis had been alert and wide awake, demonstrating karate to his guests. She had smiled over at him in amusement at this and the other eccentricities he had participated in over the course of the night, including singing gospel music and lecturing people on his own interpretations of the bible. Elvis had particularly liked the brisket sliders and potato fingers they had made, and Alex had found him beguilingly charming when he snuck into the back area of the kitchen asking for her to feed them to him because they were so good he couldn’t bear to wait for her to re-plate them.

“Just slip ‘em into the old feedbag right here, darlin’. Hmmm. Ya pretty good with meat, aintcha? MMmhmmm MM!” Alex had shook her head with a playful grin as he flirtatiously sucked the brisket juice off her finger.

Now he was completely the opposite: subdued and lethargic. Alex came to sit by him, and he pulled her onto his lap while she watched the girl next to him fall over, passed out.

“Is she ok?”

Elvis looked at the woman next to him, and then back up at Alex.

“Oh yeaahhhhh, don a worry bout that chick, she jus took a sleeping pill. It’ll help her quiet down. Get closer to God”

Alex raised her eyebrow and shook her head, a knowing pull in her stomach told her this was probably a bad idea, but Elvis’ hands pulled her closer and she followed. She smoothed Elvis dark bangs across his forehead, thne parted her lips to blow some of the more stubborn hair wisps away. He took her hand and kissed it.

“Do it again. Please.”

“What?” Alex steadied her self against his shoulder, watching as his eyelips fluttered open and closed.

“Blow onnnn meEEE… baby, your cool breafff felt gooow…” he muttered, his eye lids became visible heavy and heaver, drooping half way down over his eyes.

Alex stood, pulling him behind her. “Hmmm, let’s get you to bed.”

He followed her as she led him back to the bedroom, his hands gripping her waist. Books and guns were scattered around, and a glass award stood on the top of the dresser. She wondered if he had been presented with something at the concert that night.

“Kneew it. Jus came back cuzz ya wanted ta see me neked…” he chuckled, nuzzling into Alex’s neck as she tried to politely create space between her body and his mouth. She felt the slight heat of attraction to him because Elvis was charming. And handsome. And funny. And totally fucked up. It made her feel as though she was taking advantage of a drunk puppy she had found on the side of the road.

“You got me. It was my plan all along” She pushed him back on to his bed and turned to go, but he grabbed her.

“Stay… stay baby, don’t make me sleep alone.”

Alex looked to the door, and heard the loud snoring came from the living room. At least I know she’s alive.

“What about… your friend out there?”

“Who?”

“Um, Cherry?”

“Oh yeah.” Elvis sat up, and pulled Alex by her waist to him. “You naughty girl, you wanna bring her in to bed too? Like for a three.—” before he could finish, Elvis’ eyes closed, and he fell back on to the bed.

Alex sighed, pulling off his shoes, and putting the gun in his boot over on the dresser. She came back to drag him up further, and straighten him over the pillows. Unfortunately this roused Elvis again, and he grabbed her arm as she tried to unbutton the top of the paisley dress shirt he'd put on after his shower.

“Please baby, please. Don a go.” He kissed the palm of her hand softly, drawing her toward him. Alex nodded.

“Ok. But no funny business.”

Elvis bent his chin in assent, but then his eyes rolled back, followed by his head. Alex took off her shoes and her pants, and curled up on the bed, at first turned inward to watch the man she had grown up seeing in movies and television shows breath slow, labored breaths. At some point she drifted off her self from the exhaustion of the day, stirring slightly when she felt a pair of large hands grasp around her waist and pull her into the warm body behind her.

***************************************************************************************************

Thanks to my co-conspirators

@whositmcwhatsit

@ellie-24

@missmaywemeetagain

@be-my-ally

@vintageshanny

@from-memphis-with-love

#elvis presley fan fiction #wrong prompt game #elvis presley 1972 #elvis on tour era

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beenjen · 1 year

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Last Friday, was the first time, that I mentally felt I could cogitate making a dinner for our family. Through the last 6 months of decline - and I can be honest now, I was hopeful before, it’s been awful for at least that long even with the good scan - I would just stand in the kitchen. Looking in the cabinets. Looking in the fridge. Running out to the garage deep freeze. Looking at food and options, literally not able to put a damn meal together.

I just, quite literally, COULD NOT, look at a fridge/cabinet/freezer space and put 2 and 2 together to come up with tacos, or spaghetti and green beans, it has just been beyond me. I worried that was I slipping? Getting Alzheimer’s? What was happening.

I realize and acknowledge now, the tremendous stress, it’s been stress on top of stress. Pain. Grief. Anger. It’s the first time, in my life, I’ve lost some form of functionality from emotion.

I tried so hard. To eat right. Get sleep. Drink my water. Go to yoga. Get outside. Do all the things… yet….

- forgot to renew a VERY IMPORTANT certification at work (luckily, my boss….he’s been Uber chill and supportive. He word for word told me, ‘Jen, we will work with you. We hate this is happening all at once. Whatever you need.’) it was a fireable offense. I could have lost my job. The stress from that alone, kept me from cuing in on moms acute decline, and that’s a whole other story of guilt and what ifs circling in my brain.

- I forgot an event at jamis school…. I even took him to get a cavity filled, then took him to school after…. Then tried to go get a massage for self care, his school called and called (which I missed for 60 whole minutes), C had to leave work to pick him up…. I didn’t even give him ibuprofen. My baby, had a drill in his mouth, and it never even crossed my mind. I’m a nurse!!!!

- I’m sure there’s more shit, I just, whatever at this point.

I haven’t written thank you letters yet. I just, can’t. I just can’t.

It fell to me, to pick moms clothes, to pick her make up and hair. To pick her casket. Her flowers. Her vault. Her everything.

They completely botched her hair and lipstick - my mom was a stickler. Had to fix it with a paintbrush, had to comb out her hair.

It’s fucking traumatic.

The very next day, we take dad to see the thoracic surgeon - a close friend of mine - who was absolutely GUTTED to share with us that dads lung cancer is inoperable.

The sheer amount of comfort I’ve had to offer to other people through this process, I wasn’t prepared for.

My uncles BROKE DOWN. Watching my dad y’all, there aren’t words. They were married 52 years. He’s lost. My brother. The heart-wrenching sobs from him, I’ve never seen him like that. My husband. My daughter. My 4 year old has taken this as hard as my dad. She’s acting out, not sleeping. Cries for my mom. It’s horrific. My son refuses to even talk about it. Refuses. They were close and I’ll have to poke that bear, just, it’s shit.

It’s been a nightmare. I’m heartbroken. I’m not sure words express all of this.

I fucking miss her.

I want the kids to have an Easter basket from her.

I want to get a card in the mail from her.

I want to celebrate Mother’s Day, 4th of July, her birthday.

It’s surreal.

The support we’ve had has been incredible. I’ve never seen the like of flowers, the volume of people streaming in through the whole ordeal. It has been just insane.

I ended up getting a stool, sitting it by moms casket, and just greeted person after person. Listened to their stories. Made small talk. The things that came out of my mouth? Even as I said some of it, I was thinking ‘what the eternal fuck did I just say?.’ It was a FULL HOUSE. There were people everywhere.

I’ve had so many calls, texts, cards, emails, telling me how beautiful the ceremony was. How lovey the service. I’m not sure I have ever sent that exact message to someone, so I suppose they were being honest? I hope so. It was the last thing I could do for my mom. I wanted to get it right.

I’m not ready to share just yet about withdrawing care and what that experience was like. How it was the true last thing I could do for my mom, to follow her wishes.

The agony. It’s intense.

Also, this is just a thought dump, I’m not even clear on my feelings at this point. It’s, a fog.

I’m coming out of it.

We have had family dinners 3 times over the past week. We’ve flossed and brushed. Everyone has had vitamins. The school uniforms are clean. I’m washing my face. One foot in front of the other.

It’s always nice to see you xx

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my-illness-and-me · 24 days

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Monday

I hear the doctor tell me that six months could be lived free or a few years could hurt.

I don’t hear much of anything else on the way home.

Our babysitter asks what’s wrong when she sees us.

I tell her that she might not have to come in for a while and she tells me my son is sleeping. She hopes that everything is okay and I don’t tell her that it’s not.

At the dinner table, I tell my wife that maybe I’d like to leave after six more months living instead of a few years waiting to die.

She wants to say she understands, but she’ll always want longer.

Longer doesn’t always mean more time, I tell her, taking her hand, but not her eyes.

Those are stolen by the little ones, standing in the middle of the room that he heard us order an empty chair for.

We were worried he might not understand it, but he did because he asks me not to leave at all.

I tell him I don’t want to. It would never be my choice.

He says please.

Ever since he learned it, he’d said it like a magic word.

All kids do, I think.

They believe it could get them anything they could ever want and I start to wish that he could’ve believed in magic for a little while longer.

Tuesday

This morning I get mad at God before I ask for salvation. The sky never says a word and I wonder if he’s just like magic.

I ask online how many memories we have from when we were five before I ask if my son will be okay.

Someone tells me that the hole never fills, but life grows around it.

How it was like that with her mother and I ask if that just means forgetting because I’m afraid of it.

I ask her if it’s ever hard to remember her mother’s voice and she doesn’t reply.

I wake up my son and ask if he wants to learn how to ride a bike.

Wednesday

My mom tells me that there’s an experimental treatment that’s had some success before my wife tells her we can’t afford it.

They get angry with each other instead of being scared.

My hands go numb and my chest caves in on itself.

I start to feel like a black hole.

I ask them if we can go on a walk before I swallow the living room.

My son comes with us and he asks if I can teach him how to ride his bike again.

I keep both hands on his side at first and I let go when I think he believes in himself, but he falls when he looks back.

I ask him what happened and he tells me that he thought my hands would always be there.

Thursday

The woman who lost her mother sends me a message.

She says that life growing is not the same as forgetting and she sends me a picture to prove it.

A little girl in the arms of a mother who lost her mother.

Her middle name is my mother’s first, she tells me.

I ask her if loss is only ever just a middle.

She thinks so.

I start to write letters for birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and funerals.

The middle shouldn’t be longer than it has to be.

Friday

I have to tell the doctor by Monday how much time I have left.

It doesn’t feel like a question with more than one answer.

They both just mean not enough.

My wife tells me that whatever I decide, they’ll be there for me.

I don’t tell her that’s the part I’m scared about.

I call my mom and we start to talk about my son’s childhood like a eulogy

She tells me that she’ll be there to help him and his mother.

No matter what, she’ll be there for it.

I tell her that’s the part I’m scared about.

She comforts me like a mother does and I let her for longer then it takes to feel better. I want her to remember what it feels like to be a mother before she isn’t one anymore.

Saturday

The woman with a daughter sends me a message and asks how I’ve been doing.

I tell her that I’m afraid all I’ll leave behind is an empty chair.

She asks what about all the ones I’ve made full

A mother's, a wife’s, a son’s.

I tell her that’s the part I’m afraid about.

Her mother was too, she mentions.

So every first Sunday of the month she visits her mother with her family.

She tells her about her granddaughter and all of the life that grew in the garden she’d planted.

They stay like that for a while until she’s sure her mother isn’t scared anymore.

I feel a little less scared when she says that.

Before I go, the woman tells me that she’s praying for me.

I let myself believe in magic for a little while.

Sunday

We’re all in the front yard watching my son learn how to ride a bike.

I tell my son before I let go this time and he tells me he’s scared to do it by himself.

My hands don’t have to be there to believe that they’re there, I tell him.

He nods and I let him gain speed before I let go.

He goes for longer than any of us thought he would before he falls.

We all run to him and I think to apologize for hurting him, but he smiles instead.

He asks if I saw how far he went.

I tell him yes.

Yes I did, I smile.

We stay like that for a while until he asks if he can go around again

We watch him for a little bit longer than the time it takes for me to decide how much time I have left.

#chronic illness #chronic pain #poets on tumblr #writers and poets

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iguessitsjustme · 1 year

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Hi ~

Hope you’re having a great day -

For Talk about ~ #1 & #5

Hi! I am having quite possibly the most lazy day I've had in a very long time. It's been great but also it feels wrong somehow.

Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

I have two favorite movies, but i honestly don't remember the first time I watched one of them so I'm going to tell you about the first time I watched Howl's Moving Castle. So my Papa had just recently gotten remarried and I had yet to meet his new wife, but I was curious. (There was some other family drama happening around this time and I'm not including specifics but it is important to understand why I was curious about my new..step-grandmother?) So because I don't post real names here, we're gonna call my Papa's new wife S. So it was summer, and my older brother was going to a music camp and it happened to be in the state that my Papa and his new wife lived. So we took a family trip to go drop my older brother off at his music camp. We got there a bit early so we stopped by my Papa's new home and I got to meet S. S is very different from my Nana and also very similar. Both strong, independent women who are also kind. But my Nana's kindness was...softer. S is very gung-ho, seize control of the situation, make sure everyone is welcome. I was young and wasn't really sure what to make of this new woman that I now had to call family. I didn't know what to call her or what to expect. I don't know if she could sense my apprehension or if she just knew that the best way to entertain children was to put on a movie, but she asked if we wanted to watch Howl's Moving Castle. I had already seen a few Studio Ghibli movies at that point, so of course I said yes. So we watched it and it was truly magical. They made me stop about halfway through the movie because it was time to go to dinner then drop off my brother at the music camp. I didn't want to drive any more to drop off my brother just to come back, so we said our goodbyes and S took me back to their apartment and let me finish the movie. Now, in all honesty, I'm still not sure what to make of S. She can be a bit judgemental of strangers sometimes, but my family is the kind of family that embraces you once you become one of us. Back when I was living with my parents a few years ago, I would drive with my mom ever Friday to go visit my Papa in his nursing home and we would go out to eat with S after. S is the reason I have a couch. S also literally gave me her DVD after I finished watching Howl's Moving Castle because I loved it so much. Didn't even think about it for a second. I watched that DVD so much that it no longer works.

5. Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

I am not really a birthday person. I had parties as a kid, but as I've gotten older, I don't really care for my birthday so much so I don't really remember them that well. (To clarify, I don't dislike getting older and I don't dislike my birthday, but I do dislike attention which is unavoidable on birthdays). Oddly enough, today is my older brothers birthday. I digress. I'm gonna go with this past birthday I had only because my best friend got me this teddy bear fuzzy jacket and it's the best thing I've ever worn. Possibly the best thing I've ever owned. I feel like a warm and cozy fashion icon when I wear it.

Make me talk about myself

#rae irl #thanks for the ask #long post #i didn't really mean for that first story to be so long but it is #anyway everyone wish my older brother a happy birthday #i spoke to him for 45 minutes yesterday and completely forgot #in my defense i didn't know the date it was yesterday

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ocenitram · 1 year

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Christmas in Storybrooke

The Charming-Mills-Hood-Blanchard family were gathered at the mayor's manor discussing their holiday festivities or more likely explaining it to their new family members after having a wonderful thanksgiving in the month of November that flew by quickly. Now it's December and they want to celebrate this joyous holiday with their family again as back in the enchanted forest they had little to celebrate outside of birthdays. While the family talked in the living room that belonged to the mayor Regian walked in holding a cup, David took notice of this and he wondered what was his stepmother doing with the cup. “Hey Regina what's up with the cup?” Ther brand new sheriff asked her. Regina smiled as she was waiting for someone to ask her that but she had pegged it would have been her stepdaughter that seemed to not be able to keep her nose out of anybody's business. “Well Charming, I'm glad you took notice of the cup.” Regina sat down next to her adoptive son Henry, “You see Henry here was telling me of a tradition they had in this realm; it turns out that the name without magic is misleading in this realm. Anyway as I was saying the tradition after thanksgiving is called black monday and cyber friday-” Henry interrupted his adoptive mother “No mom its blackfriday and cyber monday,” Henry corrected her. “Christmas and since our family has been through a lot I thought it would be a nice gesture to hold the festivities again,” Regina answered, skipping the important part but she wanted to see the reaction her kids would have. Snow being cursed to be a teacher knew what her stepmother was talking about as she had spent most of her time trying to convince the school principal to allow her to hold the holidays but they refused her at every turn. “Mother, can you please just tell us or do you want me to say it,” Snow complained a bit, taking a sip of her tea. Regina shook her head at her stepdaughter “Seriously Snow I know I raised you better than that,” The former evil queen replied to her stepdaughter “As I was saying before my daughter so graciously interrupted me, the cup I am holding here contains our names as theirs this thing called secret santa we pick names from this cup and we don’t tell eachother who we got so when the day comes we give the person we got the gift.” Regina finished her explanation. Robin and David listen tentatively to the mayor as she explains the holiday season to the family. They both seemed to enjoy the Idea “That's lovely I do believe Rolaand and I would love to participate,” Robin replied to his wife. “Yes that's good and I've been in a coma since the curse so it’ll be my first proper holiday! I am in too,” David nodded to his stepmother in law taking a cookie from the plate. “Well mom I agree but what about our kids you know Emma and Zelena got turned into toddlers so how do we get them to participate?” Snow asked, wanting to include everyone “that's easy dear we just have one of us choose for them and then tell them what to do,” Regina answered.

Seeing that everyone was in agreement Regina smiled and looked at her step daughter “Snow dear, what's next on the agenda?” The mayor asked her stepdaughter “Lets see we need to decide where we are throwing the party and who we are inviting and I believe we need to get a tree and the decorations and where exactly are we having the party,” Snow replied to Regina and the family. Neither woman ever thought they would be celebrating anything together again; it's been so long since they considered each other family. “Well I'd say we get the banking and the invites, David and Robin can bring us the tree and we handle the rest.” The mayor suggested as she looked at her family a genuine smile forming in her lips.

“We can have the party at Granny’s like we always do,” Snow figured. “Unfortunately dear this time we can have it in the diner, as it needs some repairs since the latest villain we fought trashed the place,” Regina reminded her. “Oh yeah I forgot about that,” Snow blushed at her forgetfulness. “I have a suggestion we can have it in the forest,” Robin chimed in, Regina smiled at her husband “I am not certain if we are allowed to do such a thing in the forest” David answered for Regina. “I see it would have been a beautiful place to celebrate it,” Robin claimed. “I think I got it we can rent a warehouse or a dance place or something like that or maybe we can have it here at the manor?” Snow suggested.

Regina gave it some thought and decided against “I don't think the manor is such a good idea we’ll rent something and Snow dear gather the children so we can pick names,”Regina ordered her stepdaughter and SnowHite obey as she went to bring the kids Roland and Henry sat in between Regina and robin while Zelena sat in her mommy’s lap Emma sat in David's lap and neal sat in Snow’s lap. Regina passed the cup around and each member chose a paper and read it to themselves.

The gathering soon ended and the charmings went home as both their children had fallen asleep. It was something David and Snow never thought they’d get a chance to carry their daughter and tuck her in bed like parents did. While Snow was tucking her daughter David was tucking their son and then both parents switched as they loved their son and daughter beyond belief they held true love not just for themselves but for their family as well.

Several weeks later Robin, Roland, Henry, David, and Neal went out to get a christmas tree while Snow Regina Zelena and Emma went to do the shopping for the feast they would prepare for their Christmas feast. The men of the family decided to check out the trees that were for sale in Goldilocks tree farm. They looked for the best pine tree at the tree store. “What do you think, Robin?” David asked him as he looked at the tree “Oh I don't know I think that's too big,” Robin replied “hey Dad what about over here,” Henry called to Robin. David and Robin both went to see the tree “I don't know Henry, I feel like it…” Robin tried; he just couldn't form the right words to describe it. “Too small,” was all David replied and Robin nodded “papa i found one.” Roland called out and all three went it was a gorgeous pine three it felt almost as if it was calling to them, ”Thats just right,” David, Henry and Robin claimed together then Neal started laughing. Henry understood but Robin and David didn't know what was going on with Neal “Not telling its too funny,” Neal replied to them. Meanwhile with the ladies they were at the mall as the past Snow saw a mall Santa and looked at Regina “Mom you think the girls would be okay seeing Santa Clause?” Snow whispered in her stepmother’s ear as to not get the little ones all hyped up for nothing in case Regina decided otherwise. “Honestly Snow sometimes I believe you're trying to relive your youth,” But I suppose it wouldn't hurt,” Regina replied to her stepdaughter pushing the cart. “However, so we don't lose too much time, I shall continue the shopping while you take the girls to see this Santa Clause,” Regina informed her step daughter. The mayor gently lifted Zelly off the cart and transferred her to Snow’s shopping cart. “Your big sister is going to take you and Emmy to see Santa Clause.” Regina cooed and the girls got excited “YAY SANTA! we get to see Santa,” the girls cheered Snow and Regina split up so that the mayor could get the shopping done and the former bandit princess went to form in line with little Zelly and Little Emmy.

The crowd was large as they made their way to the Santa Clause’s line “mommy I wanna see Santa now,” the blonde said “me too,” Zelena chimed in Snow sighed “Girls I know that you all want to see him but we have to wait our turn let the line move up,” Emma was understable behaving Zelena on the other hand was about throw a massive temper tantrum. “I WANNA,,,” Snow interprets Zelena's “Zelly if you're naughty, Santa won't bring you anything for Christmas.” Snow told her new little sister. Zelena stayed quiet for the rest of the wait.Well she and Emma chatted while the line moved up and soon it was their turn. “Ho hoo hoo,” the mall Snata greeted as he placed Zelena and Emma in his laps, “Tell me little girls have you been good this year,” he cooed asking them “Yeah I've been really really good! I’m Emmy and my mommy says I'm her good girl!” the blonde replied happily, “Well Emmy tell dear old santa what you want for Christmas.”

Emma smiled as this was the first Christmas she would have and she was happy about sitting in Santa Claus lap. “I want to thank you Santa for helping me find my mommy and daddy but I might want an Elsa dolly,” The blonde replied she didn't really want much, she was just happy being with her mommy and daddy and brother. Emma ‘s first words touched the man and he smiled at the little girl. “Well I'll make sure you get all of that and I am sure you found your family on your own but your welcome sweet little girl, Hohoho!” Santa then turned to Zelena “Ho ho ho! And what would you like for Christmas young lady? Have you been a good little girl for mommy and daddy?” Zelena thought about Santa’s question for a minute. “I've been a good girl Santa sometimes! but I'll try harder, promise,” Zelena answered “Tell me what it is that Santa can bring you?” he asked again. “I want a dress, and a my little pony, and maybe a real pony too! Mommy says that we can't but we have stables,” Zelena gave her list to Santa, “Hohoo alright thank you little girl I'll be sure to bring you your toys,” with both girls done Snow picked them and settled them. Thankfully Regina was done shopping while they had done everything needed, “You only took them because you didn't want to do the shopping?” Regina accused raising an eyebrow at her stepdaughter, “I promise I didn't do it to back down I just thought that they would appreciate seeing Santa Clause,” Snow defended herself as they had finished and settled the girls in the car and took their decorations and tree to the warehouse where they will have their holiday.

Snow had sent out the invitation a few weeks ago. The Charmings Mills Hood started to decorate the place and the children helped Snow, Neal, Emma, and David put the Christmas stand on top of the Christmas skirt. David Stood the tree on the base and tightened it. “David I have the spheres and candy canes and well everything we need to decorate the tree,” Snow replied as she placed the box down. Emma and Neal looked at the box and then at their parents, “Can we help please mommy daddy?” The blonde asked her parents and Neal gave them a cute pouty face.

David and Snow looked at each other and then at their kids and nodded “Alright, you can help us.” Snow replied, handing her kids little ornaments and telling them to hang them on the tree “Like this mommy?” Neal asked, pointing at the sphere he just hung it. “Oh Nealy no first we have to place the lights on the tree then we have to put up the tinsels and lastly we can place the spheres and the rest of the ornaments,” David explained as he picked out the lights Snow waited for David to finish with the lights before dressing the tree with the tinsels, then the the kids hanged the spheres and the little santa ”Emma no eating the candy cane.” Snow warned leaving a blonde savior to wonder how her mother even knew that. While the Charmings were working on the tree, the Mills hoods were doing other parts of the warehouse.

“Henry, can you pass me the nails and hammers,” Robin asked as he was standing on a ladder to hang some banners.” “Sure Dad,” the young boy replied as he had started to view Robinhood as a second father. Henry passed Robin the tools required for the task. “How was life in the enchanted forest?” Henry asked, he wanted to know the origin of his family. “The enchanted forest is a realm of unbelieve peril for the folks of this realm.” Robin hammered the banner as he wanted to help while Henry held the other side of the banner up. Regina and Roladn were hanging stockings for the entire town, well just their guests. Snow and her family was done decorating and the families had to go home to prepare the meals for the party.

The day of Christmas arrived and the Charming Hoods Mills family were the first to arrive at the warehouse they were hosting. “Hello Golds,” Snow greeted the family coming in Rumple was angry that Belle made him come but here they were with their two boys little Bae and little Gideon. The second family to arrive was Geppetto, his newly wife the blue fairy as she had stepped down and afterAstrid and Leroy's (Nova and Grumpy) romance worked the blue fairy assigned another fairy to take her place and she decided to let love be a thing for fairies. And their son Pinocchio. Ashley Boyd (Cinderellea), her husband Thomas and their daughter Alexendra. Aurora Philip and their son philip. The other dwarfs and fairies, Ariel and Eric with their daughter Melody. Abigail and her husband Frederick, Granny, Ruby, Dorahty, Mulan and Hook with Maleficent and her daughter Lily. Like Emma and Zelena Bae and Lily were affected and transformed into children the town looked for everything dn they couldn't find a cure so they rolled with it and everyone was happy in facte their town soon became a Kingdom and Regina became a the queen with Snow-White as the princess and everyone seemed to be happy with the end results. Cinderella stepsisters were there too.

Music started to play, and the couples danced with teacher Snow and David danced, Regina and Robin did as well. Cinderella danced with her prince Thomas, Marco (Geppetto) danced with the blue fairy, Maleficent danced with Hook. Eric and Ariel. Ruby and Dorothy, Frederick and Abigail. Muan and Merida danced. Elsa and Anna and Kristoph were here too as they had been invited. All couples danced and the children played although Emma and Bae shared a little dance and so did Lily with August (Pinocchio). Henry danced with Violet. For a bit they then went to play like children and then they ate a feast that was prepared by Regina and Snow White. The party lasted all night and most children had fallen asleep and the families went back home.

Except the Charming's who had gone to the manor with the hoods mils to do their secret Santa luckily for them their little ones awake in time to have it. David started and he gave his gift to Regina who opened it and she found that the sheriff had bought her a nice locket with the entire family in it. “Thank you, David, I love it and I still approve of you,” she joked remembering when she had told him that long ago, she sure wanted to kill him, but she was serious when she told him that she approves. “Okay here you go Emmy, a gift from nana to my little granddaughter,” Regina gave her gift to the blonde toddler. Emma opened the gift and she saw a unicorn plushie,” the blonde hugged the plushie I name it Sparkles,” she said then emma took her present and gave it to her mother “Here mommy,” Emma gave her the box that wasn't very well wrapped and if it was a cup with the words my mommy is a princess, “Daddy helped me,” the blonde said. Snow walked toward her new little sister and gave her a box “Here you go Zelly.” The bandit princess gave her a bag and Zelene opened it. It was a couple of brand-new toys that she had been asking for a while now. “You know I'm the grandmother and I'm the one that's supposed to be spoiling your children, not the other way around.” Regina teased her stepdaughter. “Yeah, I know,” Snow nodded. Zelena gave her gift to Roland which happened to be a set of video games like Henry's of course Regina bought them. Roland gave Henry a couple of comics that Regina knew he wanted as she had Helped Roland just like she helped Zelena. Henry gave Neal a toy sword as the boy had been begging to be like his dad, Neal took the gift and gave it to Robin which happened to be a set of archery techniques his parents helped him buy it and finally Robin gave his gift to David which was a real sword made by Robin. The kids then went to open the present that Santa Clause bought them, and they had a wonderful Christmas as they had spent it with their families. Emma was curled up with her brother and the other and the adults took a picture before carrying the children to bed.

#ouat #ouat fanfiction #christmas #snow white #david nolan #emma swan #neal nolan #regina mils #mary margaret blanchard #robin hood #roland #zelena mills #prince charming #baelfire #neal cassidy #ruby lucas #granny #belle #rumplestiltskin

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surrexi · 2 years

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hey hi so for a couple weeks in july i was house/dog-sitting for my parents and then i stayed with them through the last week after they got back because the 28th was my birthday and like, why spend it alone. and then i went home on the 31st.

then the night of the 1st my mom calls me and goes "hey will you still love me if i tell you that i tested positive for covid today" and i was livid bc i have protected my delicate asthmatic lungs for the whole-ass panini and now my own mother exposes me?!

so the morning of the 2nd i tested negative but then the asthma flare-up i was already having before my parents got home started getting even worse and i was losing sleep from all the coughing (i have cough-variant asthma which means my asthma attacks involve hella bad coughing that is unstoppable) and on the 4th i tested positive for covid.

*stares directly into the camera like i'm on the office*

anyway my dad (who is somehow still covid negative) came and picked me up in college station bc my parents didn't want me making the 2.5-3-hour drive to san antonio when i could have a coughing fit at any moment and that would be bad while going 80 mph down the highway, and on friday (the 4th) i saw a nurse practitioner at my doctor's office and she listened to my wheezing and ordered a chest x-ray and was like "why hadn't you already come here over the asthma flare up you weirdo" and prescribed me paxlovid and a steroid pack and a daily inhaler to use to hopefully reduce my dependence on my rescue inhaler.

the steroid pack does a great job of shocking your lungs into behaving themselves almost right away because you get six pills the first day and you can take them all at once, so my coughing went down real quick after that. then the paxlovid started having a noticeable effect on the rest of my symptoms after the first two doses (you take two doses of three pills each twice a day for five days).

judging from how my symptoms differed from my mom's, i think if i hadn't already been in the middle of an asthma flare i might have only really experienced the covid as my asthma getting a bit worse? but since my lungs were already riding the struggle bus i was more affected.

anyway mom and i are both doing much better, though my parents keep telling me i look really pale and pushing a pulse oximeter at me, lol. (the lowest i've seen my oxygen was when mom made me measure it right after a bad coughing fit, and it was at 88 for a few seconds before jumping back into the 90s.) today (saturday) i spend most of the day sleeping, with my dog next to me keeping watch like the sweet baby she is.

we're lucky that we were all vaxxed and boosted (my parents have even already had their second booster, though i'm still only at one), and lucky that our family doctor('s office) was willing and able to see us quickly, recognize that we qualify for paxlovid (mom bc of age+risk factors, me bc of my asthma+other risk factors), and get it prescribed. now we turn to hoping that neither of us end up with long covid *crosses fingers*.

anyway, this panini is still fucking happening, you should still be being careful, if not for you, then for the friends and family you're in close contact with who could be more vulnerable than you.

#tw covid #tldr: my mom gave me covid but we're both recovering #covid #asthma #health #this has been a post #also yes my doctor is in san antonio even though i currently live 2.5ish hours away #i started seeing her when i actually lived in san antonio and she is A-MAZE-ING i would not give her up for anything #my parents go to her now because i love her so much lol #i also still go to my san antonio dentist

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usedmeatsuit · 1 year

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I want to kms, before you ask why. Call me pathetic, just remember everyone has different hardships and limits they can take. So let’s begin shall we;

I started dating let’s call them Paul. Well we started dating in may, things were going amazing. He approached me, wanted me. I’ve never had that before. So we date and he asks me to come stay with him a week. I did willing my! Well that week turns into 2 then 3 and after a month my roommate told me not to come back. Said I bailed on her so she wants me out. He willingly takes me in. Well while eating Oreos I fall for him. I mean hard but I didn’t tell him the big ilu first he did. I thought omg he is amazing! Perfect! Well boy was I wrong!

We are approaching our 4 month mark 9days befor my birthday and he decides to try and break up with me because he had a feeling. A FEELING! The feeling of this is wrong. Well after about two days because I told him it’s bs he can just decide to end it with no reason to. We were healthy no red flags. I can’t and still can’t understand why. Well we celebrate my birthday we are happy and sun comes and again he breaks up with me. And again I still don’t get why. He says the classic it’s not you it’s me. I gotta work on myself bla bla bla. I didn’t want to I was innocent with this man and I still am

Well we break up we live together, but he still tells me ilu and still kisses and nsfw activities. Makes me breakfast in bed cuddles it all just like we are dating. I was estancia until I would say something then he made sure to drill it “we are not together” you know how confusing this is!! Well fast forward to Friday. He had told everyone the week prior that we will be going to let’s say Portland for a romantic weekend. He was also going to see his baby momma. Well the whole first state we crossed he screamed at me the whole way. He has never yelled at me let alone scream before.

We get to Portland and go to his moms he drops me off to go see his kid but goes mia for 24 hrs and when he finally shown up remember I was at his moms. His excuse he fell asleep. I believed him tho we did drive 12 hrs before he even left. Well the whole romance was over he took me home I didn’t got to do anything that I wanted to.

Well Monday while he was at work a family member I had cried to on sat night messaged his baby momma telling her about me. She didn’t know I existed. Well that’s when he changed.

Screaming nonstop throwing things. He thought I was recording him and he snatched my phone yelling you betrayed me and cracked my screen. All because of his baby momma. Well he has been lying to both of us.

I’m crying I’m betrayed hurt all of it. Why would he do this to me. What’s wrong with me why and I not enough. The thoughts are continuing to play over and over. I over think. I’m hurting dying inside

So you see I was married twice first husband (now called 1) other husband is 2) he loved to do what Paul is doing now. Gaslight, stonewall, physical and emotional abuse. It was bad ended in the hospital. Well back to it he starts gaslighting stonewalling the verbal and emotional abuse.

Well he is bringing her here while I live here n is gonna make me watch him be”happy” this is killing me the way he is treating me everything I’m dying inside. I cry myself to sleep. I don’t eat. Havnt in 3 days now. Why am I not enough for him. Well now I’m trying to leave and move because I cannot have the abuse start again. He hasn’t hit me yet. But I need to it is not good for my mental health.

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mirandalevi · 9 months

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THE RULES

I WAS NINE years old when I died for the first time. I was nine years old when I learned how to relive my past. I was nine years old when I experienced my first glimpse into the future. Nine was a big year for me.

I’ve made a habit of living my life according to a handful of rules I’ve set over the years. So far, as long as I follow them, I stay alive, and my sanity prevails. Unfortunately, I also think this might be where I went wrong.

Rule Number 1: Never give away the future unless someone will die. Even then, maybe make a pros and cons list. It might come across as heartless, but everything is for your safety. Also, if it appears like it can’t possibly backfire, in my experience, it usually does.

Rule Number 2: Never acknowledge the ghosts. Don’t talk to them. They are endlessly annoying. While some of them may need help, most just want company and attention. All I’m saying is I warned you.

Rule Number 3: Never pry into someone’s head. It’s none of my business or yours what someone thinks of their husband’s new dildo fascination, that you like to pick your boogers and wipe them under your boss’s desk when he’s not looking, your incredibly creepy internet stalking habits, these are some of the things I just don’t want to know.

Please don’t beg me to read you. You need to understand, I have enough problems of my own, and I don’t need yours too. I’m not a party trick to show off to your friends. Maybe I helped you one day, against my better judgment. Or you learned something you shouldn’t know because I slipped up and told you. These are not open invitations for you to spill my secrets to the world.

Rule Number 4: Stay in your own body. If God forbid, it gets lost or misplaced; it can be a pain in the ass to track a body back. Not that I’ve ever done it. Okay, I haven’t done it recently, and that’s what counts.

Rule Number 5: Never get caught moving objects with your mind. It could mean certain death! Well, maybe not certain death. It hasn’t killed me yet, but people get scared. There is no way to tell what a fear-fueled human is capable of, this much, I’m sure. Plus, nobody likes a show-off.

My name is Faer. I’ve always thought my parents were laughing at my expense, naming me Faer, especially when all my siblings have relatively normal names. In grade school, children were ruthless. Someone thought it was oh-so-funny to point out I must be the “fairest of them all,” like I hadn’t heard that joke a hundred times in the boy’s locker-rooms. Eventually, it earned me the nickname Snow White. It was shortened to Whites by my buddies over time. As I grew older, I seemed to grow into Faer. Now, I even sort of like it most days.

Mom was pregnant for the first twelve years of my life, or so it seemed. Coming in at number four of eleven meant getting overlooked a lot. Battling for attention was a pointless cause. There wasn’t enough to go around. Besides, I found other ways to entertain myself, particularly after my ninth birthday.

IN THE WINTER of 1970, my family lived in Hood River, Oregon. Lumbering down at the streets below from atop a large hill was our uninviting blue Victorian. December was intensely nasty, and the snow-covered hillsides were a siren’s call to each of us. We didn’t often have enough money for a proper sled, but a garbage bag or a cardboard box always worked in a pinch.

One Friday after breakfast, my older siblings and I decided to journey the two blocks from our house to the local Tire and Rubber Company. The store manager and my father were drinking buddies, and I think he always had a soft spot for us kids. He wouldn’t mind us sledding behind his shop, as long as we didn’t leave our makeshift sleds behind.

There was a steep forty-foot hill behind the building. A wall of ivy lined the path down to the bottom, where a small construction site clustered. The rumor was they were building a new theater. Despite the construction site, we dubbed the area the perfect place for sledding.

All afternoon we slid down that hill. I would use the path my older brother laid in the snow to climb back up. I grabbed onto nearby ivy as a makeshift rope, only to slide back down as soon as I’d made it to the top. We were coming up with as many new and foolish ways to sled down the hill as we could: backward, in a sibling chain, on our bellies, and we even tried to stand up and surf the hill like a giant snow-crested wave.

When hours of fun passed, the sky lit with the vibrant pinks and purples of a cold northwest evening, and echoes of my father’s voice yelling from the house drifted in the air. It was dinnertime. This meant one thing to us Michelson children: get home pronto.

My dad was the kind of man every child feared. The Cherokee passed down through his grandmother showed prominently in his cheekbones, and, on the off chance, he graced you with it, his broad smile. He was gruff and frequently unshaven. His deep voice caused every adolescent to remember there were consequences for unruly children. No one crossed, Dad. He had a number of painful belts that reminded us how to behave, should we forget. In his mind, children were seen but never meant to be heard.

My oldest brother, Patrick Junior, was fourteen, five years my senior. He was always the one left in charge. While his big blue eyes got him out of trouble with teachers, he often took the brunt of punishments from Dad when things went wrong with my siblings.

Being Mr. Responsible, Patrick repeated the call of Dad. “If you dawdle, Dad will be pissed. You gonna pick your switch tonight, Faer? Cus Dad’s going to color your ass bruised.”

“Yea, I know,” I said.

As my three siblings started to head home, I turned back around to the hill. I wanted to go down one more time, and impulse got the best of me.

“Whites, you better get your butt back to the house. I’m not going to save you,” Patrick said. He gave me the bossy older brother look. You know the one.

“Just one more time,” I said.

“Your life, dude. If dad asks, I’m telling him you wouldn’t listen,” Patrick said. He turned and left without a second thought.

I curved back around with a renewed rush of excitement. I took out my plastic bag and sat down at the edge of the hill. I inhaled a deep breath of icy air and pushed myself over one last time—the wind in my face and the smell of crisp snow lingering on a plume of fog, my arms outstretched; it was exhilarating.

It was also short-lived.

When I got to the bottom, I started thinking about what Patrick said. I didn’t want to make dad mad. I’d had a minor lapse in judgment. One more turn down the hill seemed worth it at the time, but I started to rethink my choice. If I hurried, I might still be able to catch up with my brother and sisters.

I latched onto the vines and started up the hill—one foot at a time. I was sure to climb into the pre-existing path Patrick made. I neared the top when I heard a loud snap.

My head was down. I was too busy watching my feet and didn’t lookup. The ivy broke, and I fell backward down the slope, feet overhead. I lost control of my body, unable to grab anything to brace myself or slow down. I reached out, but my fingers slipped through the snow. I kept tumbling down the hill until I lost consciousness.

WHEN I CAME to, I wasn’t outside in the snow anymore, but I was somewhere else–vast, yet empty. Had I been moved? I stood in a large open area I’d never experienced before (because an experience was the only way to describe where I was).

It was too quiet, no noise at all—no rustling of trees, no chirping of birds, not even the sound of my heartbeat. My surroundings were opaque but still too bright. Although the natural temperature was a relief, somewhere in the logical part of my brain, I knew I should be scared. Except, I felt more at home than I ever had in my real home for a reason I couldn’t put words to.

I blinked and found a woman standing over me. Had she been there the whole time, or did she just arrive? As I moved to sit up and assess my surroundings, she stepped back, giving me the space to move. She watched me take in the view with a look of, dare I say, admiration?

I wish I could describe her in accurate detail. I don’t think even if a scale reached one million, I could tell you exactly how I felt when I was near her. The number I was living in hasn’t been discovered.

At every angle, the woman’s hair was a vivid new color. It held the complexity of a rainbow only a thousand times over. It was as if I saw what color was for the first time. Would my heart leave my chest if I touched her? I didn’t know who she was, but if there is a God, he’s got nothing on her.

We talked.

At the time, I took it all in, gobbling up her every word. Now though, I don’t recall everything that transpired. It felt as though we talked for hours or days, although it could have been weeks. When I was with her, time had no meaning. Everything she said captivated me, and I had so many questions. I remember she answered each of my inquiries with exceptional care. There was no hunger. I never got tired or cold. I was only nine, but I’d never felt healthier or filled with more energy. Finally, after what could have been a century, she looked at me directly. Her eyes filled with the intensity of sky, stars, and the vastness of the cosmos above.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“It’s time,” she said.

“Time for what?” I asked.

“Time to go home, Faer.”

Concern and nerves made adrenalin pulse in my veins. “I don’t want to go. Why can’t I stay here with you?”

This time she looked at me, love and understanding reflected, “You will remember some of this visit, Faer,” she said. “The important things will come back to you when you need the information. When everything has come to pass, then you can and will come back to me.” Her smile was soft, and my heartfelt at ease, “For now, you have to go home. Your family will become worried about you.”

The word family barely escaped her mouth before she was gone.

WHEN I OPENED my eyes again, it was dark. The sun had set, and I was alone. I seemed to be back, although from where I couldn’t say.

I was lying on the hard ground, covered in more than two inches of snow. I sat up too quickly, and my head started to swim. I was at the bottom of the hill once more, but I was covered in blood this time.

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bittersweettweet · 41 years

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Today, we celebrated Ari's birthday. Behnaz, Shabnam, Melody, and I gathered in Behnaz's room to prepare decorations. Excitedly, we carried them upstairs to our shared room on the third floor. It's a cozy 15"x15" bedroom, and Shabnam and I took charge of decorating it ourselves. We managed to find some free green paint, which we used to color the walls. To add to the ambiance, our neighbor Afsaneh, from our previous home a few blocks away, gave us a green light she was discarding. Even the carpets matched the color scheme. It all came together mysteriously, considering green is an unusual choice for a room. We love the privacy that this room offered us, especially after years of sharing a room with bunk beds.

Our room even has a small kitchen area, with a tiny sink and a door leading to a compact toilet and shower. The shower isn't ideal, we rarely use it. Additionally, there's a double glass door that opens to the rooftop, a place we occasionally hang out.

During the celebration, we tossed an eggshell filled with confetti up to the ceiling, causing the confetti to scatter joyfully. Colorful lines of crepe paper adorned the room, some twisted and others braided. We had a cake that read "Happy Birthday Ari" and played a cassette tape, enjoying each other's company. Ari received several lovely presents: a dress from Nasrin (Behnaz's mom), a fancy pen with a watch from Dad, a game from Behnaz, a toy from Liz, a doll bed from Behrooz, and a shoot ball from me. I think Ari liked the pen the most, and Mom and Shabnam were also involved in that gift. We had an amazing time celebrating together.

Mr. Goosheh called, inviting us over, but Mom mentioned that we were all feeling unwell and hoped to visit next week. Their family is not Baha'i, so it's rare for us to socialize with non-Baha'is. Trusting others has become challenging in these times.

I'm memorizing a prayer, as a part of my Baha'i class homework. It has been three long years since we were able to attend Baha'i classes freely, without fear. Life has changed significantly since we moved here. After the revolution, talking about being Baha'i or anything related to the Baha'i Faith became forbidden and punishable.

Our Baha'i classes which mainly focused on becoming better human beings, were held on Fridays at different people's houses. The teachers were all volunteers, and both girls and boys attended the classes together. The books were written in proper Farsi, which was quite challenging. We often received homework assignments that involved memorizing prayers or tablets.

Our last teacher, Mr. Zamani, lived on our old street, just a couple of blocks away. He was always kind to us children, keeping candy or gum in his pockets, whether we were at his house or somewhere else. During our final class at his place, he gave each of us a fragrant carnation. I received a beautiful red one, my very first flower.

One night, Mr. Zamani unexpectedly visited our house. He was good friends with Dad. They engaged in a serious conversation, and both seemed somber. After he left, I overheard Dad telling Mom that they were coming for him. Dad had urged Mr. Zamani to flee, but he chose to stay true to his faith. That very night, they came and arrested him. Nobody knew where they were holding him until they called his wife to collect his body. I heard that his body bore signs of torture inflicted by candles and knives. His two daughters are around the same age as us, and while we attempted to reconnect, things have changed irreversibly. Their house feels sorrowful and bleak, reflecting the sadness that has engulfed their lives.

Lots of Baha'is have gone missing, and it's really sad. But I'm so thankful that my dad wasn't one of them, even though he was super active in hosting firesides where lots of people came to learn and even become Baha'is. It's a relief that he's safe.

I'm such a chatterbox today. I need to get back to my homework.

12/31/1982

#diary #journal #life story #true story #makeup revolution #iran revolution #discriminacións

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