#tear it into shreds im already going 'i do not see it' at the requirement for him to be on my boat at all | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

darkagcs · 4 years

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💀 * [ benjamin wadsworth + cismale + he/him ] —— have you met oliver garcia-moreau? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying history. they live on decker house, and word around campus is that this gemini is adaptable + intelligent, as well as neurotic + insincere. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. switching languages mid-conversation. piles of half-read books. cigarettes held between trembling fingers.

well this took fucking forever but HEY GUYS!!!!! admin dana here to with her idiot genius child, oliver.

𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

(tw: somewhat detailed emotional abuse, brief reference to physical abuse)

if you ask oliver where he’s from, he’ll basically short-circuit. born in serbia (in the good ol’ days of FR yugoslavia) to a mexican-french couple, and with a childhood spent moving all around the world thanks to his mom’s job as a diplomat, he doesn’t really have much sense of cultural identity.

on paper, being a diplobrat was pretty cool; by the time oliver hit puberty he was fluent in four languages, proficient in a couple more, and had already seen more of the world than most people do in a lifetime. not only that, but he lived only in the nicest houses, got the best education and was driven around in fancy cars, all expenses covered.

still, there were some downsides. some are obvious, like having to say goodbye to your friends and basically restarting your life every three years. others most people don’t think about, like how stressful it can be for a seven-year-old to attend political events where he’s required to behave perfectly or face the consequences.

no matter how many times his mother harshly told him to just suck it up and power through, oliver always panicked before attending any event of that sort, both because of how overwhelming being around so many people could be but also out of fear he’d screw up and make his mother angry — which he always found a way to do. still, with time (and his mother’s scoldings and slaps and pinches) he learned: he was not to speak his mind; when asked how he was doing, he was supposed to lie and say he was doing great, sir, thank you. he was to speak only when spoken to, and his interests — especially the most eccentric ones — were to be kept to himself.

as time went by, he mastered the art of socialising. he learned how to read any room, to charm anyone, to talk his way out of anything. he learned what people wanted to hear and how to say it. but most importantly, he learned how to hide his real self. he crafted a mask of perfection, presenting himself as the princely, polite young man his mother demanded he’d be — but still not one good enough to satisfy her.

she controlled every aspect of his life. if she didn’t like a friend he’d made, she’d forbid him from seeing them again. if she didn’t like a book he was reading, she’d make a show of tearing it to shreds. if he didn’t behave as immaculately as she wanted him to, she’d lock him in his room without dinner. but she always justified her own behavior. “you must learn how important image is,” she’d tell him. he’s still trying to unlearn these teachings.

for years his life was nothing but this cycle; moving to a new country, creating a new persona to match it, making some friends, saying goodbye, rinse and repeat. it was both tedious and exciting, and oliver hated it even if he’s grateful for so much of it.

he’d only been to the united states a couple of times before he decided to go to college there. there was something about america that just seemed normal. he applied to holloway on a whim; getting into college really isn’t that hard when you’re a rich polyglot with recommendation letters from world leaders. what is hard, as it turns out, is living life on your own when you’ve never had to do anything for yourself, and never got to decide what your next move is going to be. not only that, but being on his own has made him realise he doesn’t really have any idea who he is or what he wants.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

always proper and polite.

very persuasive, especially when it comes to authority figures.

great at reading people but only as long as he’s not emotionally involved, at which point he overthinks every little thing and is unable to get a clear image of what’s going on.

comes across as confident, but is insanely insecure with major imposter syndrome.

can come across as a pretentious asshole, not realising how privileged he is and far removed from most people’s reality his life has been.

at his core, a big nerd who’s incredibly passionate about his interests (especially history) but only lets that side of himself show with select few people.

king of overthinking. his thoughts’ thoughts have thoughts.

desperate for a purpose and/or direction. wants to make life count for something. feels completely lost and has no clue at all about what to do with his life.

acts like an extrovert because he’s been conditioned to do so, but is really more of an introvert and rarely shares his real feelings so he’s like an open book where 80% of the words have been censored out and another 10% is in a dead language.

actually pretty easy to get into his bed, though his princely vibe might make it seem otherwise. desperately craves human connection/doesn’t get attached easily/is afraid of commitment so really he’s more than fine with casual sex (though he’s the type to make them both coffee the morning after or leave a note for the other person instead of just leaving without a word).

𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎

(tw: illness?) partially deaf on right year from a bad case of meningitis when he was 13 that also left him with a slight limp. he absolutely hates it, despite it being nearly imperceptible.

learned spanish and french simultaneously while growing up, but feels more comfortable with spanish than any other language and usually speaks it when talking to himself. if he’s around other spanish or french speakers he might switch language for a few words in the middle of the sentence.

so much anxiety!!!!!!!!!!

really bad insomnia.

straight-A student now that he’s in college and studying something he’s truly passionate about, but was actually not very good in high school and mainly got accepted into holloway because of his background.

so bi it hurts.

mom friend energy. if he’s truly your friend, he’ll make sure you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

has superficial knowledge on an incredible amount of different subjects.

addicted to caffeine.

weed turns him into a conspiracy theorist.

an absolute mess. can’t handle the most basic house chores. won’t remember to do laundry until he’s down to his last shirt, changing the bed sheets takes him hours, can’t even boil water.

fascinated by old stuff and doesn’t care much for technology. barely even uses his phone. has auto caps on and texts like a grandpa in general.

awful driver with an awful-ler sense of direction.

actually not as rich as he sounds?? like he has money, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not like... yacht-owning levels of wealth. his family mostly just led a luxurious life without having to pay anything for it thanks to his mom’s job, so he finds money to be a confusing concept.

have you read the raven cycle? because not to be super embarrassing but a certain dick gansey might give u a sense of what im going for here. (also sprinkle some amy santiago in there)

HERE is here connection page, HERE is his pinterest board and HERE are some stats.

#holloway.intro #01. *･ﾟ∙ * the head is too wise; the heart is all fire / oliver.

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grumpyhedgehogs · 5 years

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Liar, Liar

Summary: Virgil comes back from telling Thomas his secret. Deceit is there to pick up his pieces.

Platonic Anxceit

Warnings: Panic Attacks, lying, unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Deceit finds him in record time after the video. He’s barely finished rising up into his own room, the camera isn’t even cold in the living room, Thomas has yet to even move from his shocked, stock-still position when Virgil left, but Deceit is there already. Waiting. Always waiting for Virgil.

And he knows, oh, he knows just what the others would say if they were to see Virgil this way. They would be disgusted with how easily he falls into the other’s arms. They’d be horrified by him burying his face into the liar’s neck and clutching at him like he might crumble beneath Virgil’s fingertips. They’d be nauseated by Deceit’s reaction: a soft cooing noise in Virgil’s ear, a hand cupping the back of his head gently, fingertips stroking a steady path down his spine.

“I t-told hi-im. I to-old T-th-tho-”

“Shh,” Deceit soothes. “I know, I know. I felt it.”

Virgil hiccups, sobs. His breath is hitching too much in his chest, oxygen isn’t getting to his brain, he’s going to hyperventilate but does that even matter anymore, does he even matter anymore, now that Thomas knows?

No, he doesn’t matter anymore because now Thomas knows and everyone will hate Virgil and he’ll have to leave and then he’ll only have Deceit and Deceit probably hates him for leaving in the first place and he’ll leave too and Virgil will be all alone in the dark.

“I will always leave you,” Deceit lies to him. “Always.”

“N-n-n-no,” Virgil denies, sure of it. His breath is hot on the other side’s neck. He’s created a moist, disgusting little cave between his own face and the other’s neck and he tries to pull away, sure Deceit must be uncomfortable, he must hate this, being so near to Virgil, God he’s a wreck and now he’s messing up Deceit’s clothes, oh good just another reason for Deceit to hate him like there aren’t enough already-

Deceit’s hand on the back of Virgil’s scalp tightens, though, and his other arm locks like an iron bar against Virgil’s back, preventing him from moving too far away. Deceit keeps up a stream of shushing noises and he guides Virgil’s face back into the crook of his neck. He makes an encouraging murmur when Virgil’s hands lift and clutch, white-knuckled, at his collar. He threads his fingers into Virgil’s hair and strokes, heavy handed and grounding.

“You shouldn’t remember your counting,” Deceit says.

“I can’t-can’t-”

“I won’t help you.”

Deceit runs through the paces with him, four-seven-eight, four-seven-eight, four-seven-eight. The first time Virgil can’t even get passed three seconds before he has to let go of the shallow breath he’s holding. It takes a long time before he can let it out without his chest hitching painfully and Deceit has to start over again. But finally, over half an hour later, Deceit gets to eight and Virgil’s lungs deflate obediently.

Virgil doesn’t try to move away again even when his panic starts to receed down his throat, curling in a familiar, uncomfortable coil at the base of his stomach. He drops one arm to hold himself around the waist, bearing down like the pressure will alleviate the ache that’s all in his head. His other hand still holds Deceit’s collar, but loosely now. The other’s grip has not relaxed.

Deceit waits him out.

“He hates me, Dee,” Virgil whispers into his old friend’s skin. Deceit hums a denial.

“He doesn’t,” Deceit rebukes. Virgil feels more than sees him shaking his head when Virgil jerks against him. Grief wells up, clogs his lungs and stuffs his nose until Deceit grips him even tighter. “I’m going to drop the lying for a second, Virgil. Trust me, Thomas doesn’t hate you. No one hates you.”

“You hate me,” Virgil says in a small voice. Deceit huffs and the warm puff of air on Virgil’s ear tickles in a way he remembers from when he was small, just newly formed, and Deceit used to carry him in his arms.

“I could never hate you, dear. Where would I be without my little stormcloud?”

“But I- I left.”

Deceit’s chest expands slowly against his own as he sighs. “You flew the coop. That’s what kids do. And all in all, I guess you could have picked worse places to land than with the Light Sides.”

Virgil’s blank for a while after that. Deceit seems comfortable rocking them both slightly, humming under his breath, a pleasant rumble under Virgil’s cheek. He’s always tried to be patient with Anxiety; God knows Virgil always required a lot of patience to deal with.

“But even if you don’t hate me,” Virgil points out lowly, “doesn’t mean Thomas doesn’t.”

Logan would probably tell him to stop giving in to his Cognitive Distortions. Deceit just brushes his hand through his hair again and lets up enough for Virgil to pull his face away from his neck finally. Deceit hooks a finger underneath Virgil’s chin, waits until Virgil is comfortable meeting his mismatched gaze, and arches an unimpressed eyebrow.

“You think that if I, one of the worst parts of Thomas, don’t hate you,” Deceit clarifies, “Thomas himself will?”

And wouldn’t it be so nice, Virgil thinks, to believe him? Wouldn’t it be a balm on the tear in his chest that refuses to close, the black hole beneath sucking all the light and hope out of the world? Wouldn’t it stop Virgil’s bleeding heart in its tracks if he could simply take Deceit’s word at face-value and know- not pray, not wish, not plead, but know- that Thomas will accept him no matter what?

But Virgil is Anxiety. He is fight or flight. He is an aspect of self-preservation at its most base sense. And Virgil knows that if a threat were to linger so close to him, disguised as a friend for so long, he’d never hesitate to tear it out of his life. To burn out every memory of it, to rip his goodwill for it to shreds and drown out the rest.

And so he can’t fault Thomas for readying himself to do the same to Virgil.

“Lie to me,” he asks. Deceit blanches, for the first time seeming out of his depth. Virgil has never asked this of him. “Please lie to me.”

“Virgil.” Deceit warns. His features are more pointed now, his scales more highly detailed against his skin. He always gentled himself when Virgil had panic attacks but now, wary as he is of this new request, he is in sharp definition. The yellow of his slit eye gleams in the dark of Virgil’s room.

“Lie to me!” He tries to make his voice demanding, sure, authoritative. He tries to insert some reverberation into it, give into his darkness if only to find this small comfort. His fingers clench around Deceit’s collar again, but all he succeeds in sounding is broken.

“You don’t want this.”

“Please,” Virgil whispers. “It’s- it’s all I have.”

Deceit sighs. He releases Virgil, takes a step back, draws himself up to his full height. He sweeps the hat off his head and sheds the bright gloves. Virgil closes his eyes as a sob hitches up under his ribcage again.

When he opens them again, Thomas is only inches away, smiling softly at him. It makes his airways close. He gulps down more tears. Wet warmth still trails furrows into his cheeks.

“Don’t cry, Virge,” Deceit says in Thomas’s voice. He cups Virgil’s face with Thomas’s hands, wipes the tears away with Thomas’s thumbs, smiles with Thomas’s eyes and mouth and dimples. “It’s okay. I love you.”

Virgil closes his eyes, leans into the hands that he wishes were true, and tries to trick himself into believing. Just for a little while.

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prettywordsyouleft · 5 years

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Through His Eyes - Part 1

Summary: Losing your sight after your accident was traumatic, and Jaebum’s guilt of knowing it should have been him instead creates an intricate bond between you both, as you overcome adversity and try to find your way in life again.

Genre: angst / romance

Characters: Im Jaebum x female reader

A/N: This story is emotional and raw compared to some of the content on my blog. It is in no wayan attempt to glamourise or undervalue the lives of those who suffer from something similar. This story is purely fictional.

Through His Eyes will be posted every Tuesday at 10am NZST starting 2nd April.

Index: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 [M] | 13 - FINAL

“JAEBUM!”

He jolted up, his breathing erratic as he darted his eyes around the darkened area searching for you. He didn’t see you anywhere and realised he was within his private studio and not on the stage that had almost killed you. Glancing to the calendar on the wall, Jaebum sighed, noting it to be almost three weeks since it happened. Shaking his limbs awake, he stared at the screen in front of him, still blank as it had been before his unwanted nap.

“Coffee,” Jaebum muttered to himself and got up, grabbing his wallet from the desk and then walking out of the small studio that he normally lived and breathed in. He took the automatic path to the exit of the entertainment building, unaware whether the people he passed were talking to him or not. Jaebum was relieved to see no one was waiting for him on the outside, and stopped, feeling that emotion turn into frustration. All the flashing lights and reporters that had been hounding him for a single sentence in the days after the accident had now forgotten about what happened; satisfied with the generic statements released by JYP’s media team, as well as from MBC Station. Jaebum wasn’t though, and he wanted to scream to the heavens, wondering how everyone could still move on. How anyone could forget about you lying in the hospital unconscious.

Failing to follow his original plan for the coffee shop across from his agency, Jaebum headed into the subway, soon finding the platform he required and waited for the train. He felt in his pockets for his mobile, wishing the normal jingle of his car keys were there as well. Jaebum knew given his state of mind, having them wouldn’t be of any help to him, but his rationale wasn’t exactly dictating how he was living right now.

It was almost ironic that no one seemed to notice who he was, given that when Jaebum most wanted to be invisible, he could never get any peace. Right now, more than ever, he wanted to hear it was going to be okay from someone on the street, anyone who could give him the comfort that he couldn’t seem to receive from all those close to him. Jaebum’s frazzled thoughts fell back onto you laying in the hospital and he sighed, wondering if only your comfort would settle him now.

Boarding the train, he took a seat near a door, tapping his foot mindlessly as he watched the stops fly by. Soon, the station he required came into sight and Jaebum followed the masses of afternoon passengers out and made his way to the nearby hospital, taking in a deep breath before going inside.

The hospital seemed to be his second home these days, and Jaebum was grateful that everyone was too busy being injured, sick or going about their business to realise how often he was walking the halls. Taking the elevator to the eleventh floor, he stepped out and greeted the nurses politely as he entered the ward, walking down to the room Jaebum knew every single detail of extensively. The door that was normally closed was uncharacteristically ajar and he peered around the corner, his eyes widening at the chaos happening within.

It was the first time in the last sixteen days that Jaebum had seen your eyes open. Without any regard for the medical staff or family, he shifted forward for a closer look, his chest tightening with a pain he couldn’t describe fully. Your body seemed to be wrestling against the others, and you were making odd gurgled screams, making tears well up in his eyes at your panic. Jaebum hesitated briefly before reaching for your right arm, connecting with your hand like he had so many times over recent visits. He smiled, feeling your hand grip onto his and then slowly relax.

Jaebum’s emotions overwhelmed him, and he wiped them aside, clearing his throat enough to splutter out a feeble apology, feeling his knees grow weak with relief. He fell to the ground beside the bed but didn’t let go of your hand, the staff working around him as you both remained connected with one another. Jaebum felt another hand upon his shoulder and glanced up to see your mother there, nodding her head softly. The chaos he walked into seemed to diffuse and soon there was only the three of you in there. He moved his head to look up at your pale complexion, your eyes still open and silently crying. He then stared at the difference, seeing the tube now away from your mouth.

You were finally awake.

Jaebum waited for an immeasurable time outside of your room, the doctors evaluating the damage. Your body was wheeled back and forth from the room, and as the sky outside changed from dusk to pure darkness, he wondered just how dark the world would be to you now.

He already knew that they hadn’t been able to save your eyesight, the faulty beam holding up the stage lights and sound system had swung the edge of a light shutter right into your face. But he had been hopeful all the same, right up until the stillness had come and the blank look within your eyes. He knew you couldn’t see anyone then, and his stomach had dropped lower than it had when he had seen you crumpled on the ground the day it happened.

Jaebum squashed down his self-hatred when he noticed your mother come out into the hallway, straightening up in the plastic seat. She smiled and sat down beside him, picking up his hand within hers.

“You promised me three days,” she said softly, and Jaebum couldn’t tell if she was exhausted or just being gentle with him.

He nodded, unable to speak.

“They said she will walk again. Her bone within her cheek has healed really well so far as well. She will be able to talk soon and return to normal activities too. You need to stop worrying so much.”

“Normal activities,” Jaebum repeated, but without the hopeful tone your mother had used. Looking at the woman, her eyes diverted and fell to her lap. “How can someone who is blind return to their old life?”

“With adjustments, Y/N will be able to do everything she used to do.”

“Except see,” he concluded and both of them sat there quietly, unsure of how to respond to each other anymore.

“You need to return to your normal activities too. I called your manager and-”

“It should have been me.” Her sharp inhale made Jaebum look towards the tired mother. He hadn’t spoken the words aloud to her yet, not having the courage before. Jaebum stared at her in earnest, grabbing her other hand as well. “Y/N shouldn’t be suffering like this. It was me who was in the firing line. It was my position to be up on that stage, not hers.”

She didn’t say anything and he got up, running a hand through his hair agitatedly and paced the hallway. Jaebum finally stopped and he held his gaze on the older woman. She was torn by the grief of her now disabled child, and the remaining shred of rationale that he had lost, telling her this was an accident. She sighed and finally shook her head, looking at him as his own mother had been during all of this.

“Y/N made her choice, Jaebum. Now we all need to live with it. Won’t you just accept it as it is? Her medical bills have all been paid for by MBC and they have paid us already for the faulty equipment. Y/N won’t have to suffer any more to get what she needs to help her return to living outside of this hospital. You can’t do any more than you have. Don’t you need to return to where you belong?”

Jaebum laughed hollowly, wondering where that was now. He looked in through the small window of your room, watching you sleep in amongst all the white. Jaebum had met thousands of fans in his line of work as an idol, and you were someone who he remembered over the years from fan signings and concerts. It wasn’t until recently that Jaebum had a name to the face, you had won an exclusive pass to follow GOT7 around for a day. Shaking his head, he wondered if you would feel that was a curse instead of a blessing now.

“Jaebum, please. Unless Y/N calls for you, can’t you move on now?” Your mother’s voice entered his thoughts and Jaebum snapped his focus to her plea. She smiled gently. “You’re only hurting yourself more.”

“Not until she speaks to me. Then I’ll go.”

Jaebum hesitated outside the door, peering inside the room before sliding the barrier open. The two people within the room were alerted to his presence, and he smiled weakly as he bowed, the older woman frowning lightly but expressing no desire to kick him out either. Jaebum took this as approval to move into the room further and smiled at you in the bed sitting up.

“Who is it?” your small voice asked, tilting your head towards your mother and then angling it as if your ear could decipher who he was.

“Who do you think?” the woman replied, clucking slightly under her breath and then got up. “Y/N, I’m just going to get some lunch. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. That’s all you’re getting too, young man.”

Jaebum nodded and bowed again, watching the woman leave the room, and then turned back to you. Your hands were fumbling to check that your hospital clothing was presentable and he grinned as they then moved to find your head.

“Your hair looks fine, and you’re not being indecent in any way. Do you want me to help you reach your head?”

“Didn’t my Mum tell you to stop visiting? I thought there was some rule you both agreed upon.”

“What was that?” Jaebum feigned innocence, sitting down on the vacated chair by the bed and looked at you. Your face seemed to brighten with his presence and Jaebum felt his own mood lighten. “Though maybe you need to clean your face.”

“What, why?!” you exclaimed, clumsily reaching for your face and smacking your chin in the process. “Ouch!”

Jaebum cringed and gently reached over to flick the small remnants of your breakfast from your face. He could tell his action seemed to infuriate you, and he sighed heavily by getting it wrong again. He just wanted to help you. All the same, Jaebum quietly retreated and cleared his throat. “When do you get to go home?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Are you excited?” You didn’t answer and so he watched your expression, having found over the last few days that it would showcase more than your words would. You seemed nervous. “I heard that your Mother has had a lot of handy things installed in your apartment.”

“Including herself,” you replied, defeated. Your head turned away from him and Jaebum looked away as well. He knew you were living with your university friends before the accident. Now you would have to return there but live with your mother instead, your friends politely making room for her by moving out entirely. Jaebum couldn’t tell whether they had gone only because of your mother though.

“You’ll have to give me your address sometime.”

You smiled lightly, tilting your head again towards his sentence. He was relieved to see you not look so troubled. “Why, so you can stalk me there too?”

“Stalk?!”

“How many other Ahgase’s out there could say they get visited by the leader of their favourite idol group, huh?”

Jaebum grinned. “Isn’t it nice to be special?”

“Special, that’s one way to put it.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he faltered, inwardly groaning at how his words had reminded you. You were right; Jaebum wouldn’t be so invested in a fan’s wellbeing like he was of yours naturally. You had become special in many ways, and you were both trying to find your way through this nightmare.

He watched as you completely retreated into your head, your blank stare letting him know there would be no more talking in today’s visit. Jaebum sighed, hoping that the journey you were both on now would not remain as undecided as each day went by.

_________________

[Part 2]

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imgoldielikehawn · 7 years

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The Long Road Ahead: These Words

Paring/ Jensen Ackles x Reader

Rating/ A for Angst

Word Count/ 1,895

Part 1 Here

@anotherwaywardsister

The coming weeks were some of the most trying for both you and Jensen. When word got out of Jensens and Danneels marriage issues they started treating Jensen differently on set which only made things worse. You were scheduled for scenes all day long and didn’t really have time to go over and check on him as often as you wanted to. It had been a long day of action sequences and honestly you were exhausted as you made your way back to your trailer. You flopped down on the couch and opted to send Jensen a text instead of going over in case he was still filming for the day.

When you got to Jensens trailer you noticed it was quite frankly a pigsty and made no point to hide your disgust.

“Jen what the hell?” You frowned immediately heading under the sink for a trash bag.

“I forgot to clean things up before I left for set this morning.” He said embarrassed.

“This morning? This is from a few days, Jen this place is a disaster. I know you’re having a hard time right now but I am not about to be best friends with a slob.” You joked piling Chinese boxes and chip bags into the trash bag.

You picked up the trash while Jensen tossed the clothes and other things in the laundry bin. You stood back to watch him clean up and took the time to really look at Jensen for the first time in a long time. His hair had no gel in it and he was wearing the same shirt from yesterday. His pants had a stain on them and you were pretty sure that he’d been eating like crap since Dani broke the news.

“Jensen?” You asked patting the seat beside you.

“What?” he asked coming to sit down next to you. You took note of the fact that he slipped deep into the couch. It looked like he sat in the same spot every day.

“Umm, when is the last time you took a shower?” You asked hesitantly and he groaned in response giving you your answer.

You smacked your hands against your knees and stood up from the couch. Jensen made a face as you walked over to the bathroom and turned on the shower. The sound of the water hitting the shower wall made him groan again and he stood up and walked to the bathroom door as you stepped aside.

“I’ll be here when you get out.” You crossed your arms and walked back to the couch.

“You know I’m a grown man right?” He rolled his eyes pulling his shirt over his head. It was very clear in that moment that Jensen was no stranger to the gym and it showed. His shirt slid over his abs giving you a perfect view of his freckled torso and you swallowed deeply. The discomfort you felt only worsened when you looked over the top of your phone at the sound of his belt hitting the floor. You didn’t know whether to panic in silence or make a scene. You thought about just getting up to leave but you already said you’d be here when he got out.

“Jensen! Can you strip inside of the bathroom?” You said trying to keep your voice even.

“Ace we’ve been Best friends for 23 years. You act like you’ve never seen me naked.” He chuckled taking a step inside the bathroom.

“The last time I saw you naked was when I was in college and I’d like to keep it that way!” You smirked and shook your head.

He made some smart remark that you couldn’t make out rolling your eyes you went back to your phone. The news of Danneel asking for a divorce had not hit social media yet and for that you were grateful. You didn’t know how much Jen would be able to handle all at once and with just the notion of impending divorce he wasn’t doing well. You vowed to keep an eye on him from now on and even more so if the two of them could not work things out.

Jensen came out of the bathroom thirty minutes later in nothing but a towel and you did your best to control your face expression. He walked to the back room and pushed the door closed behind him leaving a generous sized crack as light shined out. Clutching your hands to your chest you decided that it was time to get the hell out of there.

“Alright Jen I’m going to head out; I have an early morning tomorrow!” You called out loudly getting up from the couch.

He sauntered out of the bedroom is nothing but pair of plaid sleeping pants and you fought back an eye roll.

“Where’s your sense of modesty Ackles? “ You raised an eyebrow and sighed.

“Never had one.” He smirked and pulled you into his arms for a hug. You weren’t very tall to begin with so you fit into his embrace perfectly just as you always had.

“Alright big boy, that’s enough of the sappiness. Go to bed and try to get some sleep.” You pulled back and reached up to ruffle his hair.

“You haven’t done that in a while.” He smiled and rubbed the back of his neck.

“You haven’t needed it.” You shrugged and turned towards the door.

“Night Ace.” He shifted oddly from one foot to the next.

You gave a cocky salute and headed down the stairs shaking your head again as the door slammed shut behind you. The walk to your set took longer than expected and you couldn’t help yourself as you replayed the sight of Jensen coming out of the shower over and over again in your mind. “I don’t have time for this.” you scolded yourself.

That night was spent tossing and turning as you tried desperately to find sleep. Your dreams were filled with old memories of you and Jensen growing up. Memories you had buried after all these years and with everything going on your friendship with him was more important than ever.

The next morning was an early one as there was a meeting before shooting for the day. The meeting was about the upcoming trips to the man cons happening this year and that you all would be tagging along during some of the supernatural cons as well. What shocked you the most was the talk of a few of you appearing on a few of the Supernatural episodes including the Halloween Special? After the meeting broke you each reported to makeup and settled in for the long day ahead. The scene you were in required a flashback so your hair and clothing resembled a traditional pin up look and your outfit was quite uncomfortable. The stylist was finishing up with your hair when Jared came storming the trailer.

“Danneel is on set and it is not going well.” He blanched and you knew it was serious.

“I’m not needed on set for a while do you need me to come with you?” You asked wearily.

Jared nodded and you got up from your seat after thanking the stylist and headed out into the cold October air. The walk to the set was silent and before you knew it you were standing at Jensens trailer door listening to the screaming coming from inside.

“ YOU KNOW WE WOULDN’T EVEN BE IN THIS MES IF YOU WERE EVER HOME!” Dannis voice reached a level you had never heard and you stopped in your tracks at the first step.

“IM THERE FOR YOU GUYS WHEN I CAN BE! IM DOING MY BEST HERE, ITS NOT LIKE I DON’T WANT TO BE HOME WITH YOU GUYS!” Jensen screamed back.

you started to wonder where the twins and “JJ” were and you looked expectantly at Jared.

“The Kids?” was all you said.

“ JJ is at her grandparents and the twins were with them the last I checked” He sighed.

You gave it a few more moments before you walked up the steps and knocked on the door. You felt tense but knew that no one else was going to put an end to it and if you couldn’t get them to stop at least you could remove the twins from the situation.

The door flew open and Jensen appeared red faced and the veins in his neck throbbing.

“Now is not a good time Y/N” his voice was strained and his pupils were large and darted back and forth.

“I’m not here for you.” You frowned, unimpressed with his behavior.

Moving past him so saw Danneel holding one twin with tears in her eyes and her hair disheveled but even in all this stress she looked absolutely gorgeous.

“They can hear us can’t they?” She sniffed.

“Yeah Dani, they can all hear you. I just came in to see if you needed help with the twins so you two can finish your conversation.” you lowered your eyes awkwardly.

“There is nothing else for us to talk about. I won’t keep you from your children Jen but I can’t do this anymore.” She turned to Jen.

“But I love you.” Hearing Jensen Plead with Danneel made you uncomfortable and you regretted walking through that door.

“Love is not enough baby, I need support. I’m exhausted and stretched thin. We’ve been doing this for seven years. Seven loyal years I’ve been by your side and we have a beautiful family; but I need to do what’s best for me and our babies and that means taking care of myself.” She Passed Zep to you and walked up to Jensen and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“I just need some time to compose myself and then I’ll be back to get the twins Y/N.” She said looking over at you. You nodded and watched her walk out of the trailer. Jensen walked to the back room looking torn to shreds and you couldn’t help the pang of guilt in your heart. You had never seen him this way about any woman in all the years that you’d known him. Danneel was “The one” and he was shattered you stood there with Zep pulling at your shirt and Jared walked into the trailer.

“Where is he?” He asked.

“I think he’s in the back with Arrow.” You jerked you head in the direction of the small bedroom.

Jared walked back and closed the door behind him and was back out in a matter of minutes with Arrow in his arms. He had bundled her up and brought out a small blanket for Zep.

“I think he needs some time.” He said and handed you the blanket. After wrapping Zep up the two of you headed out of the trailer and took a walk.

“What are we going to do?” Jared said aloud more to himself than anyone.

“We’re going to gear up and be there for our family. That’s what they are, Family.” You leaned forward and planted a small kiss on Zeps forehead and sighed.

“It’s going to be a long year isn’t it?” He said stopping to look over at you.

“Yeah it is Jare… it really is.” you fell in stride beside Jared as the two of you continued to walk the trail……

#Jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #supernatural fic #iamgoldie

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themoneybuff-blog · 5 years

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Questions About Car Seats, Leftovers, Medical Insurance, Budget Brands, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Early or late retirement contributions? 2. Purchases for infrequent use 3. Used car seats? 4. Excessive leftovers 5. Friends want me to spend 6. Value of one bag living 7. Buying a house on $35K 8. How to avoid drive-thrus 9. Medical insurance difficulties 10. Budget brands? 11. Starting career advice 12. Thoughts on taekwondo One of the most enjoyable parts of writing this mailbag column is the wide variety of comments and questions I get from readers. I usually try to keep the stuff I choose for the mailbag at least somewhat within the realm of personal finance, maybe slipping in one or two questions or comments a week that arent related to the topic, but I get quite a lot of great stuff from readers that covers completely different topics that I just cant reasonably fit into the mailbag. For example, just in the last week or two, Ive received the following notes from readers: A reader wrote in to talk about the joys of playing Magic: the Gathering with her son and how they were building Commander decks together. A reader wrote in to encourage me to pick up some of the writings of the philosopher Byung-Chul Han, particularly his essays Psychopolitics and The Scent of Time (which Im currently reading). A reader has been trying to get me to debate him concerning a number of hot button political issues. A reader has been writing to me consistently for weeks asking for step-by-step help in getting a batch of homemade kombucha to work. A reader invited me to his dynasty fantasy football league. Thats just over the last several days. Honestly, I love this kind of thing, because it represents human connection. Theres a sharing of ideas and interests and a sharing of concern behind all of it that goes way past merely writing about financial issues, and it means a lot to me, even if its not fodder for the mailbag. Speaking of the mailbag, here are this weeks questions. Q1: Early or late retirement contributions? Is it better to contribute to a Roth IRA early in the year or as late as possible? I have money set aside for my 2019 Roth contribution but I dont know if I should do it now or wait. Brian Unless theres some specific reason thats unique to your situation that points to waiting, you should put those savings in there as soon as possible. The longer the money is invested, the more time you have for compound interest to work in your favor. Having said that, investment markets are unpredictable. Theres always a chance that right after you put your money in, the markets dip. Remember that this could happen no matter when you put your money in there. You could put your money in now and immediately see a dip, or you could wait until next February to put it in and immediately see a dip. The difference is that, on average, its much more likely that the investment youre putting your money into will go up in value over that period. If you wait, its very likely that youre going to miss out on growth. Put your retirement money away in retirement accounts as soon as you can. Dont sit around holding them, because youre usually doing nothing more than missing out on growth if you do that. Q2: Purchases for infrequent use Im considering purchasing a pair of bowling shoes. I only bowl once or twice a year, but it seems like its a wise investment since I could get a pair of perfectly good bowling shoes for around $25 instead of paying $3 or so each time to rent them. How do you view rarely used purchases like this that, while adding to the stuff you own, will eventually pay for themselves? Adam My philosophy on purchases like these is similar to yours. I try to look at the total cost of ownership of the item over an extended but still reasonable period of time, like five years, and I figure out which is going to cost less. I also consider how frequently Ill actually use the item, and it basically has to be annually at the very least and preferably much more frequent than that. That type of thinking requires full honesty to be valuable. So, in your situation, is it cheaper to rent shoes for $3 a pop twice a year for five years or buy a pair of shoes for $25 once? Well, the cost for rental over that period is $30, so Id probably swing toward buying a pair, assuming that Im bowling twice a year. If you assume that its actually going to be much less than twice a year, youre going to be better off renting. I usually use a five year measure for calculations like this, because I figure its pretty hard to predict accurately what my life will be like beyond that time threshold and its also probably a reasonable guess as to the wear and tear that an item can take. Usually, with a five year calculation, its obvious whether its a good move or not. Again, in this situation, those bowling shoes arent going to be worn out after ten wears, so its likely you will be able to continue wearing them at that point or theyll have some minor secondhand value. This pushes the pendulum even more toward buying them. Q3: Used car seats? I am expecting in November. My husband and I are starting to pick up baby items from FB Marketplace and Craigslist. Whenever a carseat is listed on Marketplace someone always comments that you shouldnt buy used carseats because theyre not safe. How are used carseats not safe? Amy A carseat is one of the few baby options I wouldnt buy used. The reason is simple: a big part of whats protecting that baby when theyre in the carseat is plastic, and you dont know how that plastic has been treated. Theres some chance that the plastic has become brittle and could easily crack or break in a severe impact, just when you need it the most. This can happen, for example, if a carseat has been left in the sun too much over the course of years. Its not an issue of negligence its an issue of you not knowing the history of that carseat. It may have had years of sunlight exposure, rendering the protection that it offers your child much weaker. Most baby items are fine to buy used clothes and baby monitors and things like that. Those arent things that will cause calamity if they fail and its usually obvious if theyre doing their job or not. A car seat, though, is something you should invest in. 99.9% of the time, it wont matter, but 0.1% of the time, it matters more than anything else and youll never, ever want to skimp on that situation. Q4: Excessive leftovers On any given night we will have 2-7 people at our house for dinner. By default we cook for 7 but that means that many nights we have a ton of leftovers. We eat leftovers for lunch every day but they still get tossed a lot. We cant give them to the food pantry either. Ideas? Andy My first suggestion would be to simply have a leftover buffet night for dinner twice a week or so. On, say, Wednesdays and Saturdays, just pull out all leftovers, put them on the table, and let people assemble their own plates of leftovers and heat them up (or heat up the hot items before putting them on the buffet). That way, the leftovers get consumed directly and you have a free dinner. Another suggestion is to frequently make meals and side dishes that are easy to remix into another meal if you have a low turnout. For example, if you make a bunch of spaghetti, you can save it for two nights and then mix in a few additional spices, put it in a greased 9 by 13 pan, put a couple cups of mozzarella and provolone shredded cheese on top, and bake it for 30-45 minutes, covered for the first half, to make a nice spaghetti bake. We also often have plain vegetables as a side dish and save the leftovers to make quick soups later on, for example. A final suggestion is that on nights where you have a low turnout, simply prep leftover plates for the next night and have the same thing for dinner again, or prepare a different dinner the next night for just the two who ate the night before. I dont think you need to feel obligated to have a fresh meal on the table for whoever happens to show up each night. Q5: Friends want me to spend Im 23 and got a nice job out of college paying $45K per year. Several of my friends from college are in the same area and have jobs as well so its fun to hang out with them, but it feels like they want to blow their income as fast as possible. They go out drinking and to clubs constantly, upgrade their phones all the time, ride around in Ubers when they have cars, and throw money at stupid stuff. I want to get rid of my student loan debt and start saving for a house and Im already contributing to retirement so I can get out of this as young as possible. Its not like Im avoiding fun but theres a ton of stuff to do that doesnt cost $50 or $100 for an evening. When I suggest anything else other than clubs or an expensive restaurant, I get ignored. Do you have any suggestions? Amy Find new friends? I mean, that sounds fairly cold, but it sounds like your values are diverging from the values that your friends hold, or perhaps they were always divergent and the income just exposed it. While I dont mind being acquaintances with people with drastically different lifestyles than my own, I have found its far more pleasant and easier to have close friends who have similar values and lifestyles to my own. That way, Im not pushed to overspend constantly just to spend time with my friends. I have been in situations where it felt like I had to pay some kind of admission fee (in the form of going out when I didnt want to) just to hang out with a friend and if I wasnt willing to do that, that person wouldnt hang out with me. That just isnt worth it. Id suggest digging into activities that you feel internally interested in doing. Find groups in your community that match up well with that by using things like Meetup and there youll find people who are also interested in what you happen to be internally interested in. Get involved in those groups. Youll find its not too hard to build friendships that way. Q6: Value of one bag living I found your post on one bag living to be interesting but not practical. Its not like more than maybe 0.001% of your readers will actually ever do it. What is the practical value of such an article? Ollie The practical value of it is that it really shows you how few items you actually need to have a happy and comfortable life, and when you realize that, you begin to realize how much extra unnecessary stuff you have and how much that stuff is costing you, both in terms of the stuff itself and the space youre paying for to store all of that stuff. Lets say, for example, that you decided to try it for a month. You packed a big duffel bag full of stuff and aimed to live solely out of that bag for that month. During the month, almost everything you use comes out of that bag other than maybe a few kitchen items, you really dont use anything else in your home. At the end of the month, youre left asking yourself what the point of all of that other stuff is. Why have any of it if youre able to have a great life without touching it? Why have shelves full of books and DVDs you never touch? Why have a television if you have a good life not watching it? This is likely to lead you to start downsizing your possessions, recouping some money along the way, and its also likely to lead you to question almost all of your physical purchases. If you keep going in that direction, youll find that you likely have excessive living space and can easily be satisfied with a smaller home or apartment, and if you downsize that, then youre on the way to some serious financial improvement in your life, as youre losing far less money to utilities, insurance, property taxes, and so on. Q7: Buying a house on $35K I am a single woman with a four year old child from a previous marriage; the father is not involved and avoids paying child support. We live in a small apartment in [a large city with a moderate cost of living]. I make $35K per year. My mom lives about five miles away and takes care of my son when Im working and hes not in preschool as she has a pension thats enough for her to live on because my father died in the workplace. I would like to be able to afford a small house for us and get out of this apartment building before hes too old because theres kind of a rough culture of teenage boys here. I would like to be in a house in four years. I have no debts and am saving about $200 a month for emergencies. Carrie First of all, Id contact a lawyer and do what you can to get child support. The cost of supporting your child should not be borne solely by you and hes legally obligated to provide financial help here even if hes uninvolved. Second of all, $200 a month in savings thats also used as an emergency fund isnt adequate to get to where you want to go in four years. I looked into your area and a small starter home is going to run you in the $300K range now and will probably be closer to $350K by the time you want to buy. 20% of $350K is $70K. If youre saving $200 a month, youll get to about $10K in four years if there are no emergencies. To get to $70K in four years, you need to be saving around $1,500 a month and have no emergencies that tap that money. Considering that youre making about $3,000 a month before taxes, thats an extremely difficult proposition. Thus, to make it to your target, youre going to have to do some radical things. The first thing I would do is sit down with your mother and discuss the option of cohabitation for a few years, with you splitting up the housing costs. If she could move into your apartment or you two could move into her dwelling and its a tenable situation for a few years, youll both save a mint. If youre paying $1,000 a month in rent and it suddenly drops to $500 a month, theres $500 a month toward savings, and probably more than that because youll have lower utility bills and you can more easily share food costs. You may find that after you buy that starter home, it may make sense to have your mother continue to live with you to keep costs manageable going forward, at least for a while. If you can swing something like that, use a lot of smart frugal tactics like sticking with store brand items when shopping, get on that child support issue, and keep working at your career to move toward a better salary, you can make this work. Without those kinds of big changes, this probably isnt a realistic goal. Q8: How to avoid drive-thrus How do you stop relying on the convenience of drive-thrus? I understand that its way cheaper to make meals at home but when I can just go to a drive-thru and get a quick meal and have it eaten before I even get home or eat it right when I walk in the door and theres no cleanup because I just toss the wrappers, its hard to convince myself to make a big mess making a meal at home. Leon There are a few good strategies for solving this problem that work well for different people. I suggest trying one for at least 30 days, see if it clicks with you or merely causes frustration, and either stick with it if it works or move on to another if it doesnt. First, try simply packing a meal for yourself at home before you leave in a small cooler. Make something simple that you like a sandwich and some baby carrots and a drink or whatever. Pack the individual items in reusable containers and put them in something insulated with an ice pack to keep it cool. Take that meal with you when you go out and save it at your desk or in a work fridge until youre ready to leave, then eat that on the way home. You can do the meal prep the night before while watching a television show and if you use reusable containers, cleanup is really just a matter of popping stuff in the dishwasher and wiping off the table (which youd need to do anyway). If you want, you can designate Fridays as eat out days and keep it as a treat for yourself for getting through the week. Another thing I strongly suggest is to simply get better at cooking at home. Cooking seems very difficult at first and even easy things like scrambled eggs feel like a giant mess and a big time and energy investment, but once you get more practiced, it stops feeling so challenging. Start by making really simple meals that you like grilled cheese sandwiches or scrambled eggs or spaghetti. Another strategy is to cook things in advance, make individual meals out of them in reusable containers, and keep them in the fridge. For example, you could make a huge batch of spaghetti one night and pack three or four individual meals of spaghetti with a breadstick in resealable containers in the fridge. Then, you can take them to work with you and youll also know that one is just waiting for you when you get home. Yet another strategy is to use a slow cooker. Start a simple dump meal before you leave (a dump meal means you just dump several ingredients in there and turn it on low) and youll have a hot home-cooked meal waiting for you when you get home. Slow cookers are great for stews, chili, soups, and simple casseroles; it can also make a mean pot roast. The goal of all of these things is to either put something in your hands directly so that youre not tempted to stop or have something at home waiting for you so youre not tempted to stop. Q9: Medical insurance difficulties I am covered by [a major medical insurer] through my workplace. A few months ago, I had a procedure done that my doctors office informed me would be fully covered by my insurance. They filed this with the insurance and the insurance company came back saying that the procedure wasnt medically necessary and wouldnt cover it, so my doctor is now billing me for it at the tune of $30K. I dont even know where to start. Should I contact a lawyer? Petra Without seeing the bills and documentation, I cant give you full advice on what to do. However, my first step would be to document every single detail that you can recall about this entire process, including dates and what you were told by both your doctors office and insurance. If you have any supporting documents, such as receipts and printed information about the procedure or about the costs, thats all valuable here. Then, I would go through the process of appealing this claim with your insurer, providing a copy of all of that documentation. An appeal should definitely be your first action. If you find that your appeal is denied, you should then discuss the matter with your doctor and attempt to get their bill reduced. If youre still finding that youre paying an excessive amount, then I would take all of this documentation to a lawyer and get legal help. It very much sounds like you were given inaccurate guidance from a doctors office and a lawyer can usually help here. Q10: Budget brands? Are there any budget brands you trust for making high quality stuff? Meaning brands that are cheap in price but the quality of their stuff is good? Darren The store brands at most department stores and grocery store chains fit that bill. For the vast majority of product types, the store brand is as good as most of the name brand options. They might not beat some of the really high end premium versions of those products, but the store brand is usually as good as 80% of similar items on the shelf. For things like charging cables and basic electronics like computer mice or keyboards, Ive found that Amazons generic brand, Amazon Basics, is really good for the price. For many different kinds of smaller electronic items, like external batteries for charging devices on the go or headphones or things of that nature, I strongly trust Anker. If theres an Anker option for a small electronic device, youre probably getting great bang for the buck with it. Those are the ones that immediately come to mind as brands that I strongly trust that consistently provide good bang for the buck across a wide variety of products. Q11: Starting career advice My oldest son is about to graduate from college with a degree in electrical engineering. I am collecting career advice from some people I respect to pass along to him. What advice would you give to a fresh college graduate in a technical field today? Robert First of all, treat the first decade of your career as an opportunity to build skills and relationships above chasing salary. A killer resume ten years from now will be worth a lot more than earning an extra $5K or $10K right out of the gate. If one job pays a little more but feels like a dead end, while the other job pays a little less but feels like its overflowing with opportunities and ways to build relationships, take the latter job in the first decade of your career. Second, if your workplace offers a 401(k) plan, take advantage of it immediately and contribute as much as you can stand. You will never regret this. Just do this and then start off with smaller take-home checks theyll still be a lot more than what you had in college. Pay yourself first. Third, no matter how tough a situation is, dont burn bridges, even if it would feel good. If youre moving on from a position, do it as gently as possible and be as positive and flexible as you can on your way out. Finally, eat healthy, get some exercise, get plenty of sleep, and dont work too many hours. If you dont do those things, youll be far less productive during your work time, the quality of work you produce will be lower, and youll have a harder time picking up new skills. If your workplace is obsessed with 80 hour workweeks, carve out as much of that 80 hours toward self care and rest that you can reasonably get away with. Q12: Thoughts on taekwondo I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on taekwondo from the perspective of both a parent of a student and as a participant with an eye toward cost. Is it worth it? Do your kids get value out of it? How about yourself? Brenda I attend a local taekwondo school with the rest of my family. It was an activity that my two oldest children wanted to try and the family plan isnt much more expensive than just the two of them participating, so when our family schedule lined up and our youngest was old enough, we all joined. In effect, our third family member was half price and the rest of us are effectively going for free, and the price has actually gone down as some family members have reached black belt rank (and those who havent are at a belt rank approaching black). First of all, if youre new to martial arts of any kind, its something you should shop around for. Any city of any size likely has a few martial arts schools; a larger city likely has some dedicated taekwondo schools with branches in various locations. Different schools offer different prices and different philosophies. Taekwondo is a martial art thats focused on fast, high kicking. That means that it really works hard on agility and balance. Theres also an emphasis on forms, which are sequences of kicks and other movements that are memorized and done from memory, which challenges a persons memory while physically exerting themselves. Our familys interest in martial arts lies much more in the realm of self improvement, character building, self defense, and fitness rather than training to fight. There are definitely martial arts schools that are very focused on simply training to fight, preparing people for things like mixed martial arts. Theres nothing wrong with that, but its not what Sarah or I were looking for in a school. We wanted a school where the merit wasnt in whether you defeat someone in a fight, but whether youre working hard and genuinely improving yourself so that youre better at the techniques, better in all around fitness, and better in character than you were the day before. Again, I have nothing against a school focused on fight-focused training, but its just not what Im looking for or what I would direct my children toward until theyre old enough to make those kinds of choices for themselves. Perhaps someday theyll take what theyve learned and move in that direction, and Im fine with that. When my oldest son and daughter began expressing a genuine interest in taekwondo, we shopped around for local schools that offered dedicated youth programs and were focused on a self-improvement type of martial art philosophy, and we found one that we liked that had classes near us, and over time, we all joined up. I think it has genuinely helped our children improve their ability to focus, their ability to overcome challenges, their character, and most definitely their ability to defend themselves and get out of a threatening situation. As a parent, Im thrilled with the impact taekwondo has had on them. As for myself, I joined because I agree in a deep philosophical way with the goals and direction of the school, as well as the fact that I was looking for a fitness program for myself and an opportunity to mutually encourage my family to be more fit. This hits all of those marks and with family rates, its pretty inexpensive. If you divide our session fees by five, theres absolutely no way any of us could be in a sport or a fitness program at these rates. If someone is interested in taekwondo or martial arts in general, Id start by figuring out why you want to do it. What are you hoping to get out of it, or what do you want your child to get out of it? Self-discipline? Fitness? Self-defense? Character? What are the one or two things you want most for yourself or for your child that you hope martial arts can provide? Start from there and shop around at a lot of schools in your area. Theyll all have different philosophies and centers of focus some of them will line up well with your own goals and philosophies, while others will go in a different direction (not wrong or bad, just different). Find some that match what you want, price compare them, and give one a try for a session and see if its right for you. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-car-seats-leftovers-medical-insurance-budget-brands-and-more/

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outsiderempire · 7 years

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i swear. all my mood does now is fluctuate between intense rage and complete apathy. i’ll get super worked up over something, be it big or small, to the point that i just want to beat the shit out of something or stab myself or something just to be able to take my anger out on something. then all of a sudden itll all just completely disappear and im just left feeling empty and cold. nothing will spark my interest until i come out of it. i just sit, not thinking or feeling, until it finally passes. but it happens so frequently, like multiple times a day every fucking day and i cant even pretend to be normal sometimes. it just becomes so hard to do that. i become so fucking heartless about everything around me no matter what it is and sometimes i want to tear everything to shreds, destroy it all. idk why. feeling content or happy has become rare for me. i hate when i get into these apathetic moods because i cant bring myself to do anything during them. so i spend a lot of time each day just not being able to communicate, not being able to do the things i like to do. i just put some music on so i have something i can pay somewhat attention to but thats it. i dont even think, just listen to music.

im so conflicted about who i am and how quickly i keep changing, and not for the better either. i just keep getting worse and worse. sometimes i want to be a better person, sometimes i wish that i could relate to people more and feel more comfortable being social and all that. other times its the complete opposite end of the spectrum and i just want to spend the rest of my life alone, and i dont care if i can relate to people or not, and instead of wanting to be a good person i just want to be someone’s worst fucking nightmare because my natural instinct when im feeling bad is to want to make someone else feel how im feeling. the fucked up thing is it makes me feel good sometimes when that happens too. thats why i spend so much time interested in a lot of crime shows and stuff because learning the stories of these people who suffered so miserably makes me forget about my own suffering and instead of feeling sympathy for them, i either feel nothing at all, sometimes i feel happy (or a feeling similar to that), and other times i feel condescending towards them. a lot of the time i feel condescending.

i say i dont know what to do anymore and the answer is pretty obvious but i feel like a larger part of me is content being the way that i am that i see no reason to change, or rarely do. and being this way presents a lot of challenges for me and sometimes leads to making my life hell, and despite that im still okay with it. because part of me also feels like when those things happen to me, that i deserve it so again theres no reason to change. i go back and forth with it often and usually it ends up coming down to my apathy and the fact that i just dont care to change or do anything about it. because thats requires a lot of fucking effort and honestly nothing good would come out of it in the long run. maybe temporarily until i break under the strain and pressure of faking my entire life just to please everyone else around me. im already dealing with enough shit that i dont need something like that happening.

i dont know what i want. besides a job and money and getting everything i deserve to have. i know something i do really want tho and thats just to know like whats wrong with me? what is making me this way? why cant i relate to others? why cant i differentiate between right and wrong? why cant i be a genuine hyper-empathetic nice person? why am i just this shitty asshole who cant feel anything other than blinding rage? why do i feel so fucking entitled to everything and why do i have to be better than everyone all the time? why do i feel the need to inflict pain on others or get pleasure from their suffering in order to forget about my own? and why cant i stop being this way?

i dont know. i want to know the answers to all these questions but i dont see myself getting them because i dont want help and i dont need it. im mostly curious really. some of this may sound like a cry for help sort of thing but its really not. i ask myself these questions because i just want to know the answers. i want to know what it was that caused me to become this kind of person. and why has it just continued to get worse, you know?

like i dealt with some of this stuff back in high school here and there but not nearly as often as i do now and a lot of things have happened since then so i have no idea what could really be the reason.

i think the thing that sucks the most about it is just how much of it i have to hide all the time from everyone. because there is still part of me who wants to genuinely be a good person and wants to be able to help others and stuff and i have my moments where i can feel sympathy so its not like im completely heartless but to be able to still be good means i have to hide a lot of things. not really for anyones safety or anything like that but more because if i let myself express how i truly feel then i would delude myself into thinking thats a perfectly acceptable way to be all the time when its not and it would probably ruin my life tbh. but then again maybe that would be what i deserved for being this way in the first place idk.

i just wonder if this will get any worse from here on out and i kind of hope it doesnt honestly. i have enough self control to keep me from going down any awful paths. i still have ambitions and goals i want to reach in my lifetime and i have a whole little plan in my head of how i want my life to play out and its good, its positive, and i think even being the way i am i can live a positive life as long as i keep myself in check and i can reach some of these goals i have set. i think what makes things worse is when i have a goal in mind and it doesnt work out. i get extremely frustrated and the more frustrated i get the more it continues to fuel my anger and it becomes a lot easier to set me off. but im naturally a goal oriented person. i like to set a goal and a time frame and i like to be able to reach that goal in that time frame. when i dont i basically feel like ive completely failed at life and that id honestly be better off dead because i cant seem to do anything right. also that would mean i wouldnt have to face anymore failures or mistakes. i know these things happen to everyone its just part of life, but the side of me that wants to do everything right and be absolutely perfect does not listen to that. it’s either i do this right or im a complete and utter failure there’s no in between and that leads to a lot of frustration especially when its related to things out of my control.

i just kinda feel like the worse my anger becomes over time the less purpose i have in my life. because being an angry person all the time is really fucking exhausting and creates so many problems and anger is one of the hardest things to control. someone telling me “just dont get angry” even over something minuscule doesnt help. in fact it makes me angrier because someone is telling me what to do and i dont like people telling me what to do. on the other hand i also do not like that my anger has so much control over me. i dont like that one bit. i want to be in control here. if i start to feel irritation towards something i want to be able to take a step back and not let that thing have any control over me. because im better than that, im superior to that and it has no right whatsoever thinking it can have an influence over me.

its funny tho because one of the things that i see often when im looking into this stuff about how to control one’s anger is the advice to “eliminate the source of your anger,” but please tell me how im to eliminate the source of my anger when everything makes me angry? it goes a lot deeper than there being just one or two things that make me angry and i just dont know how to approach that. again it requires too much effort and most of the time i dont care enough to try to do anything about it.

im done seeking advice about shit. ive tried and you know what i got in return for that? sources upon sources telling me that im a monster, that im a toxic person, that im abusive, that what im feeling and what im going through doesnt matter or isnt important, that i should be “dealt with” and how people can “avoid people like me,” or “get back at people like me.” thats the advice ive been given. obviously not advice geared towards helping myself, more for helping others who dont have to live with what i live with and thats kind of fucked up. so if thats what i am then fine, i guess im a monster, i guess i cant ever change, i guess if my only option is to live with myself for what i “really am” then i suppose thats what i should do, right? and while im at it why dont i take it further and see just how much worse i can become because theres no positive place for me in this world. if i cant change parts of who i am then im doomed to be excluded forever.

thats the kind of thinking i deal with a lot and why i gave up seeking advice. because honestly its all bullshit. sometimes i let it get to me too much and thats when i start thinking irrationally, believing i should become the worst person that i can because theres nothing good waiting for me. and that thinking is what makes people do terrible things and act out and ruin their lives. funnily enough that thinking doesnt intrinsically come from the people struggling with these problems, it comes from the people who dont like these people who are struggling and can only see the negative aspects which lead to them painting these people as monsters, as subhuman. you start to believe it yourself when youre told it often enough.

idk where im going with this anymore. i just wanted to put my thoughts out there somewhere and let them kind of roam freely i suppose. i dont want anyone to think that these rants i go on are directed towards one thing specifically tho. theyre not. literally i just sat down and did this because i completely got over my anger about the job stuff and wanted to just write how i was feeling. it happens randomly and if i dont get it out it makes things worse.

but i dont want a response to this. thats not why i write these things. i dont care if people read them or not, i just want to write it out where people can see what im feeling if they so choose but i dont want to talk about it. that never helps either. i dont want advice im done with it. i just want to leave this here for however long i wish to leave it up and go on and find something else to do while i wait to get over this apathy again.

#gonna keep ranting about stuff cause i feel like it #dont talk to me

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