#there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[nemoys]

a very long messy review of link click (season 2)

alright so reading through a bunch of (mostly negative) reviews of the season thus far i've come to my own conclusions over how this season felt, and i really feel like addressing them since i personally feel like it deserves recognition (and rightful criticism) within certain aspects. really interested in everyone's takes so lmk whatever you think about all these aspects i'm about to gloss over.

NOTE ; i'm not going to be talking about the art direction or OSTs . i believe those have been nothing short of phenomenal and i feel like we can all universally agree over that

1) tonal shift : from a more emotionally driven s1, coupled with sprinkles of slice of life moments, we turn to a mostly thriller/mystery plot line. personally, i've always seen this coming. the tonal shift really didn't take me by surprise. with the lg stabbing at the end of season 1 it almost seemed inevitable that the more light hearted aspects of the first season weren't going to happen. more importantly, it was very clear that there was always a higher presence to fight. link click was always meant to be a thriller, this was always the plan, and so i suppose logically i assumed the second season would follow that path. i understand how people might've felt disappointed, or 'robbed', but i don't think the shift was all that shocking quite honestly, it was always set up. link click was never light hearted, even at s1.

the more shocking shift has to be the shift from an emotional, to suspenseful change in writing. the emotional writing in link click has always been the best part of the show and that hasn't changed, the emotionally driven plot lines of s2 (chen bin, ltc/ltx) have been written very well. the suspenseful writing also works. replaces the tear jerkers with an unsettling anxiety, and it's executed relatively well. you can clearly tell that the crew's been experimenting quite a lot with this season, and yes, that's usually what season 2 is for.

2) pacing : now i totally get the criticism in this aspect. in my opinion, the weakest part of s2's been the pacing. with overly drawn out fight scenes, and unnecessarily long recaps, i think the issue has to do with the fact that lc just has a LOT to address, and so it makes us feel less inclined to sit through longer scenes that don't directly advance the plot.

obviously i get that the fight scenes show off a lot of the animation budget #tm and they do look great but the fact that we had way too much time dedicated to a five minute long fighting cutscene in the FIRST episode just made me feel impatient.

3) red herring endings: alright this might be an unorthodox opinion but, aren't red herring cliff hangers a norm in general with these kinds of shows lol. idk i've come to expect the total opposite every time so it doesn't really bother me i guess i'm just used to the medium. not really a lc problem it's a story telling problem in general but that's just marketing i don't know what else to say.

it'd be nice if they followed through but some part of me thinks they're pulling a whole boy who cried wolf situation, eventually they'll pull the trigger when we don't really expect it.

4) shipping/ main trio reconciliations : it's a really serious ongoing situation. i kind of get why the main trio/shiguang don't get a chance to talk things over amongst themselves, it just isn't the time. keep in mind everything that's happening rn is happening continuously, there are no gaps within the days or anything, kind of makes sense that they don't really talk about it. they probably will get to once it's all over, which might be well into s3. again, this was always meant to be a thriller more than it was trio focused. also idk about you guys but i think we actually did get a lot of sweet moments within the trio, cxs and lg, even the sibling dynamic with ql and cxs were really lovely this season.

5) the women: okay i REALLY don't understand the problem here. the women are written well. ql is written FANTASTICALLY and all side characters like ltx and that one red eyed lady i'm forgetting the name of were great too. hell even chen bin's wife was great. i think for a donghua/anime where women are usually given dirt in terms of actually strong writing, lc has always been very solid. their lives do not revolve around the men in the show it just happens to be that men are a part of their lives. they have very distinct personalities and aren't treated like weird objects to gaze at (what a bar lol) but yes i do think the women are written quite dimensionally.

6) unanswered questions : when have linear shows ever answered questions (especially mc based) in season 2?? when has season 2 EVER tied loose ends? when it comes to linear television, season 2's purpose almost always build towards a greater evil/climax. there's a reason why season 2 hasn't answered questions we've had, season 2s in most shows rarely ever do. from what i can tell, with a confirmed s3, i've always expected s2 to simply do its job as a second season and further raise stakes and raise even more questions. i do get the frustration, i get the lack of any backstory, but i want to refrain from making any actual comments over that till every episode's aired ahah, however, im not too mad at it. i just think this show's ride is currently still at an increasing accelerated pace (guys i'm sorry i study physics), things will only be explained once we've once hit the climactic point or go downhill right after. time will tell i guess

Conclusion

overall, i think this season was actually pretty solid. s1 set a very unrealistically high bar, as s1 in my opinion is one of the best seasons in television period. but s2 and s1 shouldn't be compared in the same way, their tone is quite different, and needs to be analysed individually instead. i'll make a complete review once the season is over, but honestly i've come to enjoy the season most when i stop expecting too much out of it. i think people had way too many things they've expected from s2, that were bound to simply never happen.

that said, i do hope the crew takes the valid criticism regarding the pacing (and ig the character focus?) into consideration and implements it well into s3. it's worth noting that i believe nothing was meant to be complete with s2 in the first place.

i've really enjoyed this season, and i'm beyond ecstatic to rewatch it all once it's done airing, in order to properly take it all in. it's had its flaws, more than s1 has had (let's be real s1 had little to none). but that's bound to happen to shows when they head down their linear routes. currently sitting at a 7/10

#link click #link click spoilers #shiguang dailiren #cheng xiaoshi #lu guang #qiao ling #this is still my favourite show ahaha #had to make this because i got tired of the overly negative views i've been seeing #some are fascinating and perfectly valid of #but some plainly disregard the effort put into it #calling it unrefined or insulting the very clearly passionate crew is NOT the right way to criticise a show #i really enjoyed reading negative reviews that had tact though' #lmk what you guys thought i'm very interested

[catboybiologist]

A late December transition journal, and spreadsheet update!

The spreadsheet is (finally) updated with December measurements:

So I’m writing this in January, but… most of the thoughts on here are about December progress, and the measurements were taken in December. 

It’s a weird mixed bag as far as transition is concerned. The measurements seem to be somewhat stalled. The only thing that seems to have changed is height, which like… it feels like it has to be error, and I’m pretty sure it is, but its been consistent? Maybe spinal curvature can change that fast? I’ll highlight on the spreadsheet the next time I actually get it measured at the doctor’s. Weight has fluctuated, and I did have a panic about it- however, it is possible that last measurement was a bit of an error. I could still physically see a rapid, unexpected drop in weight on my body, which I’ve since controlled, so I don’t think it’s that inaccurate, but yeah.

That all said… I’m being reminded constantly that the measurements don’t tell the full story.

For example, I think there’s a lot that’s missed by measuring at specific lines around the body. Waist and underbust are measured at minima, whereas bust and hips are measured at maxima. While these haven’t changed much during this time period, I have noticed overall growth in areas that aren’t these spots. Most notably… I have the tiniest inkling of an ass now!!!!! I’ve been flat as a board my whole life, and this time, in side profile, I noticed some booty curves and growth! But that measurement is overshadowed by my thighs and more traditional hip measurements, which have always been pretty good even pre-HRT. 

My boobs grew a tiny bit, but seem overall more noticeable than that. I think a lot of the initial growth was determined by nipple protrusion, and while they def still have that “growth” type character where they stick out much further than the rest of everything, the overall shape of the boob is looking like… well, boobs. Even though the measurement hasn’t changed, the timeline pictures (which I’m keeping private, for now) do show that they’re getting more visually defined, which is amazing. I also had a lot of little euphorias when I went home for the holidays. A lot of friends and even family that I hadn’t seen since early HRT or pre-HRT made comments about how I looked younger, looked different, or seemed to have nice skin. I’m considering that a win. Anecdotally, I do think that my face has femmed up a bit. If there was ever a month with the most face changes so far, it was absolutely December.

It is still true, however, that a lot of my body changes seem stalled. Maybe blame the swingy weight, or maybe blame the fact that my E is still…. Considered acceptable, but realistically, the 100-200 “acceptable” range is very low. My provider says that this is partially because of the 8mg limit on sublingual E, due to liver problems- 200 is pretty much what you can realistically get on sublingual alone. But guess what- I’ll be switching to injections soon! My provider wanted me to get E levels high to prevent super swingy emotions by drastically increasing my E levels, but said that with my current labs, I should be ready. I’m super happy about it, and hopefully I should regain some of the speed I had early HRT. I need my bazongas, okay?

I’m gonna be a bit emotionally weird, several things happening in my life rn. But on the plus side…. I have my first laser session tomorrow! I made the appointment earlier this week and decided to commit to keeping it despite things going on. I think it’ll be really helpful for my mental health, and very much improve how I feel when I look in the mirror. The only issue I can foresee is whether my boymode will hold, which, uuuhhh…. I mean fuckit my transition is an open secret at this point. People have seen the changes, seen me at parties, the queer community of my uni knows, they’ve seen and felt bra straps during hugs… I think everyone just kinda accepts that I’m waiting for the most comfortable moment. Then again, cis people can be oblivious, so maybe I’m overinterpreting. We will see. I don’t think much will change until I change my voice.

Sorry if the writing tone on this journal feels weird- again, emotional weirdness from various things. Until next month. 

#transition journal #trans journal #trans #transgender #trans femme #trans timeline #transition #transitioning #trans documentation #trans woman #transfemme #mtf trans

[fairycosmos]

I'm sorry to do this bc I know you get so many ppl venting and you have your own shit to deal with and yet ppl on here constantly implicitly ask you to console them which is incredibly emotionally labour intensive. However all that being said. I found out my cat who is 9 but is very young looking and active and shows no sign of pain or suffering has large cell lymphoma (general prognosis 6-9 months) and I'm literally broken. She's my best friend. I've been through years where I've had no friends but I've always had her and she's everything to me and I've known a lot of cats who live to late teens so I had expected that for her and this has come out of nowhere and is just so soul destroying because she is my whole world and I love her so so much. she's literally saved my life (have been at the point of kms so many times but didn't for her) and now she probably wont be here next year and I don't know how to keep existing without her and I didn't know who else to tell. I really appreciate your kind and honest presence on this site it's very cleansing and healing and ik this is a parasocial thing to say/feel but you are like a friend to so many. so thanks. even just having a space to say this stuff is invaluable. You have helped and comforted and offered love and insight to so many people despite your own suffering. Much love to you, I hope the universe treats you with lots of kindness going forward.

i am so so sorry to hear this - sometimes i honestly can't believe how cruel life can be. i wish there was something tangible i could say that would make a change to what you're feeling but my experience with grief (all types of grief esp preemptive grief like what you're dealing with) has proven to me that words often ring hollow when you're going through it. i do want to offer some understanding and some comfort despite that, i just know it may be hard for you to register right now and that's alright. losing a pet is so so deeply painful and it's completely normal to be devastated and taken aback by this news - anyone would be. at the same time it sounds like your cat is deeply lucky to have you and to be loved so completely by someone. while what you're both going through is horrific, i am so glad she has you to take care of her and that she ended up having a wonderful life with you - the gift you have given her and continue to give her every day just by being her owner is huge and i hope you continue to remind yourself that as you confront there next few months. she is warm and fed and taken care of and she has the best chance of living longer with her condition bc of the care and love you continue to show her. i know this is much much easier said than done but please try to take it one day at a time and make every moment count with her - it's easy to get lost in the idea of losing her but she is still here and you still have time together, albeit not as much time as you both deserve. i can't stand how much of a gamble of luck everything seems to be and how horrible things happen to ppl and animals who truly deserve so much more - that anger, despair and incredulity still hits me day after day and i feel it very hard on your behalf rn. you have every right in the world to process that sense of feeling like your soul has been destroyed on whatever timeline works for you. as long as you continue to move forward, hour to hour or minute to minute despite it all.

are you able to talk to any friends/family about this? i only ask bc pet loss is one of the hardest things in the world to go through and i think having some sort of super system could make the days feel a little more manageable. if not, please feel free to message me and share updates, stories, vents etc about your cat and how you're doing - i lost my childhood dog a few yrs back and i do understand. it's such a heavy feeling to carry around with you all the time. i would also recommend joining a pet loss support group as another option too, bc so so many people sadly completely get what youre going through. i hope your little girl is doing OK today and that you are taking care of yourself as much as you feel able to as you process this news. if you need to break down, go to sleep, scream, punch pillows, be numb - that's alright. there's no wrong way to react to this. i just hope you give yourself some grace as you do. sending so so much love to you both - and thank you so much for the insanely kind words by the way. you didn't have to say that and it really made my night better that you did. so sorry you're in this position. X

#anon #ask chloe

[ticklepinions]

Internet Discourse Tips and Tricks

It can be so exhausting seeing discourse. Here are some hopefully helpful tips to take care of yourself

It's okay to take a break and step away! It can be a lot emotionally and quite triggering. I know it is so easy to doom scroll and spiral but pls try your best to distance yourself if you need!

If you're not reblogging every post that shows you support one side over the other thats okay. Its your blog you get to decide what you want to share or not. There are people who'd rather not share anything at all and thats also okay. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you don't care

Use your outlets! Watch a good movie, go take a walk, talk to friends, journal, do whatever you need to get your mind away from the thunderous cloud of discourse

If you're like me, I feel like I may have rejection sensitivity (And I definitely am a recovering people pleaser) and being told I did something that hurt another person is literally the worst thing imaginable!!!! Take a step back! One bad action does not mean you are the worst person on the planet. Mistakes happen sometimes (ik I'm sorry). The important thing in the immediate moment is ensuring the person you harmed unintentionally is doing okay. Everyone responds differently so be respectful if they request some space.

While their feelings and emotions are important, so are yours. What do you need rn? Some water, a nice stretch, maybe a nap? Ultimately you also might want to reflect a bit and understand how you caused the harm so you can minimize it in the future

Block button is your everything. You don't need to surround yourself with people who don't share your views. You get to determine who you let into your circle.

Don't send hate. Regardless of your views or who's right and who's wrong, there is another human being behind the screen. I know you're angry and rightfully so, but just promise to be mindful. And if you do send hate at least don't be anonymous (/hj)

Feel free to share some more tips if you have any

#twordpinion #tickle community

[fandoomrants]

Sooo, just a small comment on some of the things I loved in the finale of PJO.

There are obviously gonna be spoilers here soo...

-The fight between Percy and Ares!!! I loved the wave and now it was a subtle way of showing Poseidon was indeed beside him.

-The scenes between Percy and Luke!!! "Look, you didn't want to be a half-blood...". I loved the addition of these flashbacks of Luke teaching Percy to fight.

-Olympus! Omg, it was so pretty!!!

-Percy immediately being a total little shit with Zeus, I loved that!

-Poseidon showing up to protect Percy!

-Percy understanding only the word for "father" in Ancient Greek. He knows it because of Sally!

-"Ares is a moron."

-Overall the whole exchange between Percy and Poseidon. It really is a big step from him being all bitter and it was a bit corny but I liked it still.

-When Percy reveals Luke is the Lightning thief!

-Luke not fighting Percy at first. I have thoughts about the whole thing but I'll put them later on.

-Luke snapping for a moment and attacking Percy only after he mentions his father.

-Annabeth and her dagger!

-"Wait, your name is Percy!" And later "I don't think so", This was sooo hilarious. Especially when you think about how he initially tried to lie to him he's his dad. I'm pretty sure Dionysus knows his and everyone's name very well, he just likes being a jerk.

-"Some place called Disneyland", tbh, I feel like Annabeth won't be thrilled. I certainly wasn't and I was still am pretty childish as a kid.

-Grover's license!

-Their pact! That was so cute!

-"What did you dream of?" "Grandpa.". For a moment there I was like "What!? Are they tring to make it look like it was all a dream or that they're trying to make it as if Sally doesn't remember!?" but a moment later I was like "Nope, that's Percy Jackson, of course he'd refer to Kronos as his grandpa even tho he's his biggest enemy rn"

-Blue pancakes!

-When Percy and Sally were leaving the apartment, Percy's last narrative and the rain outside!

-The devastating moment when I thought we're not seeing Gabe turned into a statue but juuuust in case skipping the credits (call it a feeling or sth) and...

-GABE TURNING INTO A STATUE!!!! I'm honestly so happy! I'm not even mad Sally didn't do it as it was implied in the books. But she was divorcing him! I know he wasn't portrayed as bad as he was in the books in the TV show but I still believe he was emotionally abusing and he was still a jerk even tho it was toned down. Also, he was such an annoying, whiny bit-$(#..

...

That's all I can think of rn, even tho I believe there were other things too.

Now, I gotta admit I've read the book a looong time ago so I don't remember everything in great details but I noticed lots of the changes in the episode and throughout the whole season. I still enjoyed the show a lot, tho. Most of the changes made sense and like... Come on, it's an adaptation! And Rick Riordan was involved in the process so I believe he knew what he was doing with all these changes.

Tbh, I liked the first two episodes a lot, then idk, the third, maybe fourth too, were a tiiny bit meh to me but overall, I loved it and loved the last couple of episodes! I have mixed feelings for some things like them knowing about Medusa, the Lotus casino and other stuff but again, I trusted the process and it worked! It's only 8 episodes and there was a lot to happen there so I can see why these changes were needed. Figuring all out would have taken them a lot of time. Also, it was as much for new fans as it was for new ones so of course some things had to be made differently. For example, how the whole thing about who would betray Percy was done.

I've been watching lots of videos and posts of new fans who haven't read the books and I was cackling like an old hag at their assumptions how it was gonna be Grover or sth. And you just can't convince me that episode 7 and Annabeth getting caught by one of the roots wasn't with the exact purpose of making people think "Oh, they are friends now, what if it's her?" It was really well-played. And let's not forget how everyone was like "Luke! Babyboy, so precious." Can't wait to see everyone's reactions now... (Luke is still these things, even though he is "bad guy")

Speaking of Luke, again, haven't read the books in a while but I somewhat don't remember him and Percy being that close and being such good buddies. Idk, might need to read them again but even though I didn't mind that dynamic too much, I really thought this is more like how Luke and Annabeth should have been. I feel like we needed more interactions between them. Also, Luke speaks randomly about her twice, first telling Percy about her and calling her "my little sister" and then last episode giving that example with the spiders (nopee, I don't believe itt, she won't crush it, she'll scream and run unless it's a huge spider, then she'll fight it because of her bf) but she barely (if not ever) mentioned him? Yeah, she mentioned Thalia but almost nothing of Luke?? How are you gonna convince me that was her hero!? She should have been broken by his betrayal much more than Percy! Also, they kinda made Luke somewhat of a big softie, I thought it was because then his betrayal would have been more devastating but nope, there wasn't some kind of a 180° turn in his behaviour. Wonder why, to make him more relatable or? I want to see how his further actions are going to play out in this scenario...

Anywayy, all in all, I enjoyed the show a lot and I hope there is a next season. I want to see how the story will proceed on the screen (and I hope the changes we keep getting aren't anything too essential).

#pjo tv show #disney pjo #pjo series #pjo #percy jackson #luke castellan #annabeth chase #grover underwood #smelly gabe #sally jackson #poseidon #yet another rant #also putting this in the notes if anyone gets to read (tell me if you do) but I have a weird feeling we'll get lots of percy/luke now

[writhe]

i really think i’m doing okay all things considered but i feel so fucking tested this week / as of late. i feel so irritable & a lot of stuff that’s usually not much of a problem feels present (been dysphoric this week? hello? and feeling very weird about food?)

the pain is really taking its toll, everything got even worse because of the grief curse only now it’s snowy and below freezing and i feel still rigid and unmotivated and exhausted. i usually feel more better if push through to walk or hike but that hasnt been working (i mean, im still going) & i don’t really have the ability to rest more than i have

more people have been around the house than i’ve felt up for, but no one is actually doing anything wrong at all (and, like, i really like everyone!) but now i’m getting in my own head about being unsociable or being in the way or being weird

i’m out like 350 bucks rn bc i ordered shirts to print and haven’t been able to touch em. also out hundreds for tattoo stuff & it’s been half a year and i have yet to put needle to skin despite folks waiting & encouraging me (not planning on making people pay me but like it sucks to throw a lotta cash at this and to just have not had a good moment because honestly wrist / hand pain has also been a prohibitive factor)

and im so angry about everything that happened last week. feeling really lucky to have franklin. other friends have been offering support too, but struggling to take them up on it because it feels both talked to death & overwhelming to open up about & a good chunk of how i spent last week was doing very very intense emotional support that involved a lot of being erratically wailed / shouted at for hours.

having a weird experience being in spaces where people don’t know what’s going on with me, which is unfortunate because i definitely seem very pissed off and tired, but like, i swear i have a reason. i’m gonna push myself to connect with folks though, once i figure out what would feel good. it also sucks just, like, having had time off last week & zero ability to enjoy it because now i’m in the middle of a 10 hour workday & i feel physically and emotionally stuck

i’m not sure what comes next. it’s opening up a lot of feelings, which reopens the wound of grappling with losing (in an extremely exhausting, shitty, and unceremonious way) a very massive years-long friendship earlier this year. i’d definitely been holding for something there but i think the reality is that my & everyone’s life has changed too drastically since for us to ever get anything back that could be nearly as meaningful or close. it’s hard when stories end but worse when they rot

#ACK!!!

[killersnarl]

// sfw alphabet for nine under the cut because i am sick and cannot work on cooler content rn 😔 go crazy

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

as a baseline i’d say he’s a very affectionate person. he’s not afraid of initiating it either, even in tense or violent situations he can be very warm and cordial. in situations like these i think a lot of people can take it as a mockery or some sort of weird threat, which can be partially true, but not always. sometimes his comforts are genuine but just happen to scare the shit out of people, he doesn’t give up tho.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

i’ll say that he’s very elusive and just disappears for days at a time sometimes. he’s a very hard person to be friends with because he’s notoriously hard to get ahold of. you’d never know much about him or his life, but he’d end up knowing everything about yours.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

nine is naturally a very touchy person i think, that’s kind of just how he is, very into tapping on shoulders and such. when he does actually hold people though it’s very very lightly because he’s always conscious of how much force he’s using. he’s automatically very heavy handed so he really has to be aware of himself.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

there will be no settling down ever. he’s mediocre at cooking it’s definitely not that bad but he’s no chef, i would trust him to cook me food and not kill me while also having it taste relatively good. nine is a very very clean person so even though his spaces might be kind of cluttered sometimes he’s very good with cleanliness upkeep. i will say there’s at least 5 empty water bottles on his nightstand tho.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

the most horrible way possible actually. nine will do almost anything to convince people to dislike him because he loves self sabotage and ruining everything that makes him happy. no matter what he will find a way to make you leave him eventually.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

don’t even get me started on how deathly allergic he is to the idea of commitment

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

very much so. physically it can be a litttle difficult because he has to be very careful with how much force he applies all the time but he does his best and usually he does it very well, very soft touches. emotionally he can be very gentle with people which might be surprising, even if he’s dropping his whole murder monologue bomb on you he somehow finds a way to be very calm and gentle about it a lot of the time.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

nine hugs are warm and all encompassing. very very nice and cozy if nine hugged me i would immediately fall asleep. he’s very soft and cushy. and i think we all know he doesn’t mind people initiating physical contact with him.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

genuinely do not know if he’s ever seriously told another human being that he loves them except for his mother. it’s not that he doesn’t like or love people, he just doesn’t express it that way. i think part of him thinks it’s embarrassing to the other person so he just never verbally expresses it seriously.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

there is not a jealous bone in his body actually i don’t even know if he’s capable of this. maybe when he was like 17 and always mad idk. it’s actually comical he is not jealous or envious of anyone he’s like 31 and has already accepted that he is a depraved useless person that deserves nothing.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

very good actually. he talks to them like tiny adults and they tend to like him cause he’s big and nice. i will say he might curse around them though because he forgets.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

this is assuming you’ll ever see the day where you find a way to wake up before he dips

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

it varies very heavily because there’s a lot of things that could be happening at night and some of those things are nice but some of them are scary.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

never ever. he will actually go to great lengths to avoid telling people about himself, his only interest is knowing about other people. he’s somehow mastered switching the topic of conversation onto others.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

nine has absolutely incredible patience and he does not get mad ever, not outwardly at least. there’s not really anything for him to be mad about regardless. he’s a very calm and patient person no matter how intense the situation might be, he’s really just never in a rush. however in his late teens he was very different.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

he remembers everything, more than you probably remember about yourself. that’s the one joy he’ll allow himself to have, knowing things about people and asking questions about them. it’s a little scary.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

we all know how nine feels about the concept of relationships

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

very actually. nine doesn’t want to be protected in the slightest, but he does want to protect other people. he doesn’t want any harm brought to people that haven’t done anything, but i will say that most people have probably done something in their lives.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

nine does not do dates or anniversaries or gifts. on a broader spectrum it’s not that he doesn’t try at things it’s just kind of that he’s pretty mediocre. if you asked him to draw a cat for you he would definitely do it but it would be ugly.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

okay well i would say the constant self sabotage and destruction is probably not good. and when i say constant i mean constant sometimes it’s so stupid. sometimes he’ll get his favorite soda and then give it to someone else just so he can’t have it.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

very but not in the way you’d expect. he’s concerned because he wants to keep himself ugly and hide his face from people. he doesn’t really put any effort into making himself “pretty” aside from basic cleanliness and hygiene but that’s only because when it comes to his body he’s a complete clean freak. plus all his clothes look pretty stupid.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

no ! to be honest he will never feel complete because he will not allow anything to make him happy and he likes it that way. there will always be something missing and he’s destined to walk the rest of his life like that. he thinks of himself as some sort of pyramidhead like figure, some sort of executioner and purveyor of doom cursed to do this until he can’t walk any more. there is no suffering but there is no lack of suffering.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

i can’t make headcanons because i made him so here’s some ezzy made:

dad mannerisms. he makes the most heinous dad-like noises when he sits down or gets up.

exclusively wears those dc shoes with the tongue halfway up the calf.

nails and nail beds are disturbingly well kept.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

the one thing that really grinds his gears is people who are ungrateful to be alive. he’ll make you happy to be alive in the most unnecessary and gruesome way possible. he does not like it when people don’t appreciate the gift of life and living and he especially doesn’t like it when they attempt to throw that opportunity away.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

overall he’s a very sleepy guy and he does have a bad habit of taking cat naps and not having an actual sleep schedule. i think i can also mention his horrible snoring and sleep apnea LOL

#carnalposting #no i’m not doing the other one because it looks corny sorry #if u have any more prompts like this one lmk :3

[algolagniaa]

I am bored bored bored bored bored and I don’t want to write about the things actually on my mind or happening in my life so I’m just going to critique this chart reading someone did for me a couple days ago

according to this person I AM going to get married just late…. like I shouldn’t stress for about 4 more years. and tbh a part of me is like “nooooo I want to be a young and beautiful bride” but if I shut that part up that sounds p ideal.

also told me to avoid dating anyone with Gemini placements…… girl everyone I’ve ever so much as had a crush on has Gemini placements. with the exception of my ex fiancé. I vibe with Gemini moons almost exclusively. the girl I have a crush on rn has a Gemini moon and I think it was the same day I got this reading that she told me she wants to kill me over and over. literally HOW am I supposed to turn that down. I’m only human faerie after all

mentioned that I need to be careful who I let close to me because a lot of people over the course of my life are very jealous/envious of me, particularly those with strong Sagittarius placements (which I’ve def found to be true). this is literally WILD to me like ik I’m pretty great but what do I have (other than looks and brains and intrigue and force of personality, okay maybe I get it) that you actually want. actually being me isn’t that great most of the time.

spouse will be sociable and emotionally intelligent and intelligent in general and religious/spiritual and “quaint” and love travel. pretty standard 9th house themes. also said she will have an “underlying intensity” which, yeah I hope so otherwise what are we doing together.

apparently my Uranus/Neptune conjunction in 1st makes me come off as unreliable and my Pluto placement makes me seem controlling/manipulative and too intense for many people. and those two things combined are why people decide to write me off as a bad person. which I guess makes sense bc what happens is they like all of a sudden see something about me they don’t like and then act scared of me??? even when there is genuinely no reason to be????? anyway apparently one of the big things I’m supposed to learn that will help mitigate this is to treat friendships more causally and not expect everything to be a super deep connection. but I feel like I already DO THAT with a lot of people + also when I do that I end up playing with them like dolls or chess pieces. and it’s fun but not satisfying. well whatever I have astrological license to treat my friends worse I guess

ages 24-25 were supposedly years of great personal growth and healing for me but all I did in those years was get abused and lose all my friends and have everyone tell me that actually I was abusive and a narcissist with 17 personality disorders including one that is straight up not in the DSM. and go to a bunch of therapy that didn’t work. and get addicted to weed and gain 30lbs and have everyone in my life collaborate on a giant gaslighting effort to convince me I was dangerously obese and they were worried for my health. and obsessively read r/amitheasshole trying to figure out the rules for Correct behavior. and cut myself to win arguments. and get kicked out of thanksgiving drunk in the middle of the night. and move to Spokane and have my first great love vow to hate me forever. and continue to get abused in Spokane, and meet some friends, and lose those friends bc I pissed off a serial killer dude, oh also I pissed off someone in the mafia I forgot that part, and get abused more and have a dead bedroom in my relationship and lock my entire personality up in a box and put it in a deep dark corner of my mind and give up on ever being happy. also I cried on my birthday both years. where’s the growth and healing…. I guess I hiked a lot in that time? and went to the gym but my heart was NOT in it

apparently I am v talented at communicating, networking, and making connections and can use my gifts to acquire money and power if I so choose. girl I so wish that were true

was also told what themes I will focus on during the next couple years of my life and apparently this year my focuses are: relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners, equality, sharing, interpersonal style. and I can see a couple of these but for the most part….. can’t relate.

#you guys don’t get to know the overarching themes anymore now sorry #all you get to know is I burnt off the ends of my hair. again

[toxicanonymity]

Hey... so I think u r so amazing at writing dark but still emotionally complex and redeemable characters! i.e. Raider Joel.

Do u think u cud write a Dave York fic?

Also how old are, I don't mean it in a prying way but I am trying to understand how you write such complex and intricate characters.

Did u study writing or psychology? Where do you get inspiration for these characters and plots.

I am in awe!

Note to tumblr at large (I don't think anon thinks this, but i've seen weird takes before and want to avoid confusion about my own stance): I don't think characters have to be deep to be compelling or entertaining or good. Not all of mine are. People can like what they like and write what they feel like. imo, I'm not better or worse than anyone else, we just have different preferences, moods, etc. both as writers and readers.

Anon, tysm . 🖤 Raider joel feels seen, and I'm flattered by everything you've said and asked. Realistically, I don't think I have the bandwidth to make a new complex character rn, but I could possibly do something short later on, or if you wanted to try your own, that could be fun. I took psych 101 but have learned a little more by morbid curiosity. I've always had dark fascinations which has led me to spend many late nights reading macabre stuff (like nonfiction articles) and watching horror movies. Plus, let's just say I've always had a rich inner life somehow rejecting notions of what "should" interest me lol, so my mind has been tinkering with dark fantasies way longer than i've been writing or reading them. Writing insights below.

If you have at least some kind of vibe in mind, or even just an action or line of dialogue, you could start writing -- it doesn't have to be the story you want, it could be anything, like put him in a situation experimentally. Ex: Make something bad happen to him, what's going through his head? As you write, the stuff that begins to come intuitively could reveal a lot about the character that's buried in your head, and their identity and motivations could become clearer. If I have an idea of what they'll do, I might think to myself, why are they doing this and what causes them to rationalize it (if they do), and/or what causes someone to still [ex: accept? fuck?] them with their flaws and bad deeds. It could be something about either person or both. I won't usually spell these things out, but it will affect how they act together and on their own, how they experience things, etc.

Thank you again. And sorry I didn't respond to a prior ask about doing Dave, I was battling with myself. Also got a little shy on this one lol. When i don't respond i might be undecided, not sure what to say, shy, or it might be in my drafts which is now kinda eating asks sometimes too, ugh. 🖤 🖤 

#also anon feel free to DM me #or inbox off-anon & i can respond private #glad to chat about your dave thots if you want #i may be slow but i'm nice #toxic ask #dave!ask #not irredeemable ty 🥹 🖤 #iykyk lmaooo #how the sausage is made #toxicanonymity writer's room

[heybaetae]

i have no one to talk about it and you're always so open, so i'm just really getting this out of my chest, you don't need to answer if you don't want to

I'm so sad, i've been crying a lot every day since the announcement came. this was so unexpected (at least for me) and there was no time to emotionally prepare too... there were articles coming out before saying that all of them would have enlisted by december, but it was never confirmed by the members themselves, so i still had my doubts. then, out of nowhere, "hello, 4 members are enlisting at once"

they are working so much and you couldn't tell if this or that was gonna be released in 2024 or still this year. and then i thought "well, i have to prepare myself for the end of december", since there are usually between 40 or 50 days with them after the notice by bighit. if what kmedia said is true, they are leaving in less than two weeks

i feel broken and so empty, i'm so scared of my future, next year i'll go through so many changes and i never take changes easily, i always suffer so much untill i get used to something, and now... not having the only constant i've been used to have in my life..there is no time to process. it was different with jin because he was here for more than a month before he left, it was also obvious that yoongi was leaving after his tour and hobi... :/ i'm devasted

i'm gonna cry so much with this upcoming documentary, i thought that the ptd DVD would cheer me up, but i've just been feeling more weird and sad :( i laugh in the funny scenes, but there's this sadness behind it. and my bias is jungkook... his lives :( i've been asking myself if he would do a "goodbye live".. if he decides to do it, i really really really don't wanna lose it :( i already miss him so much and he's not even gone yet

i’m sorry hun. i think everyone is in the same boat emotionally about the shorter notice compared to the previous enlistments. i’m not really gonna acknowledge what is being spread around by the media rn because the same thing happened with jin and he wasn’t thrilled about that information being made public, but i’ll say it’s okay and valid to feel everything you’re feeling and to have hoped we’d have a little more time than what the reality seems to be.

i really hope next year goes smoothly for you and that you adjust as comfortably as you can to whatever your new normal is going to be in your personal life and your life alongside bts during their absence.

luckily, it‘s quite clear that they’ve each prepared things for us to release after they’re gone and while i value their safety and well-being so much more than having any content during this, it’s extremely generous of them. not only for three of those members to have seemingly held off on their enlistments until the youngest released his album and was done promoting it so they could all go at once, but for them all to have used that time to work on things to keep us entertained once they did. i don’t think it’ll feel like your constant will be completely gone, they’ve made sure of it. we’re so lucky they care about us enough to plan ahead, create new stuff to enjoy in the meantime, and to time it perfectly so they’re back on the literal day before their anniversary in 2025. you really don’t get sappier than that lol.

also on the topic of whatever content that comes out in the coming months/year (i’m sure they’ll spread it out), if you think it’ll make you too sad to watch, it’s not going anywhere and it’ll be ready for you whenever you need it. weverse posts and occasional instagram posts will be a thing. it will absolutely suck losing jungkook’s lives, but i know he’ll make the most of his social media time in other ways at every opportunity he gets and those moments of communication will feel all the more special.

feel all your feelings, let them out however you need. but remember that you’re not alone in your emotions too and you can reach out to any of us here at any time. if you need to log off on the actual day, definitely to. focus on you, do something fun, find something that’ll take your mind off of it. all of this is temporary and it’ll go by fast. we just have to take it day by day. 💜

#ask

[hamliet]

Hi Hamliet, sorry for sending you an ask like this. Feel free not to answer if you don't want to.

I read one of your answers where you talked about how extreme wealth and extreme poverty can result in similar problems. Personally I have a hard time empathizing with wealthy people since even if those people mess up, they'll probably still have much more options compared to those who're not as lucky as them. I know someone who's better off financially but still talks about wishing for more money and looking for a partner that can provide her a lavish lifestyle. While I'm sure she has her own problems, it's hard for me to empathize with people like her. Sometimes I get upset thinking how people with money are given more leeway in life.

What can I do to be more empathetic?

No worries.

Well, a couple things here!

Firstly, I actually want to clarify that I was talking one specific problem more so than general. What I was talking about specifically was attachment issues in children/teens who were raised by parents who were either exceedingly wealthy or extremely poor. This is actually not necessarily a direct causation, but it correlates because these parents would generally not be around. This can happen at any class level, of course, but extremely poor parents frankly have to work insane hours just to provide food for their kids, while extremely wealthy parents work extreme hours to maintain that level of wealth. It's not inherently an equal thing, but the end result that I observed was that the kids wind up emotionally neglected and struggle with unhealthy styles of attachment as a result, which then manifested in the same emotional, behavioral, and mental health problems in these kids. So this was more a particular issue than a statement that it results in the same things.

What you said -- "probably still have much more options compared to those who're not as lucky as them" -- is still true here, even so. Kids of rich parents are a lot more able to have access to therapy and insight into attachment theories and education and such than kids who are raised in extreme poverty.

Secondly, I think I would encourage you to have empathy for yourself here too. There are issues where we can't always feel empathy for other people. I think part of empathy means acknowledging that because of our limited human experiences, there are some issues, some experiences, that we simply cannot empathize with. I know I have "triggers" and such. Where I think the problem comes in is that on social media, if you can't empathize with someone, a lot of people will assume that no one ever should empathize with that person. I think that is messed up.

So basically, I don't think it's a flaw if you can't empathize with everyone; on the contrary, I think it's realistic and honest. But that's where the reality of all human beings having such wide and varied experiences comes in, because some people can empathize with people I can't, and empathy is simply not akin to excusing. Kudos to those people who can empathize with those I can't. As humans, we can't do everything, but someone out there can do what we can't, and we can do something that person can't as well.

This also goes back to competing needs. People who do horrific things who have people who still love and empathize with them--I'm glad they have that. But victims also need empathy and love and protection. It is also very likely that someone who works primarily with victims may not be able to work with perpetrators as well and still maintain a victim's trust, etc. That's just the reality of it. But that's okay, in my opinion.

Thirdly, I'm currently in the absolute worst financial situation of my life right now (it should improve soon, but yeah, I covet prayers and good vibes rn), so at the moment I'm in an "eat the rich" phase so mood Anon mood to that person you described. It's been hard for me to watch some loved ones whom I know are not callous or snobby complain about their finances when they make 6 figures and have a partner making the same. And, pettiness aside, I also think that phases of life matter here too. It's okay that you don't feel a lot of empathy right now; have some for yourself, too. You can feel more later, or not. It's easier for me to empathize with some situations now than it was ten years ago, and it's harder for other situations. You're a work in progress. We all are always becoming; we never arrive on earth.

#ask hamliet #empathy

[adventures-in-teyvat]

so um

tighnari’s eng va huh

me rn (confused and sad)

i would like to add though that we can separate a character from their voice actor. it may take some time for some people to feel okay with the character again, for some no time at all, and its okay if you are either one. its also okay if you never end up feeling comfortable with the character again. you cant help what you feel. just know that if you do love tighnari, this does not spell the end of him, nor do the actions of the VA reflect the fictional character. you aren’t evil or bad if you still love tighnari—i think everyone really enjoyed elliot’s portrayal of him. and it’s okay if you still do. you are not a bad person if you still like that portrayal of the character. please remember that elliot’s actions in no way reflect tighnari as he is a fictional character, and you are not a bad person if you like his voice.

you dont have to invest yourself in the drama and the cancelling—in fact, i’d encourage anyone who struggles with these sorts of things or is in a bad mental spot to not engage in the drama at all. it will do no good for you—it will only cause you stress and grief that you don’t have to experience if you simply continue to play genshin and enjoy the characters. i am not downplaying the seriousness of the situation at all, but i am simply saying that elliot is a stranger to you—you do not know him, and you don’t have to get emotionally involved with the drama. you can sympathize with the victims and feel lots of things still, but you can be informed in a way that does not break or hurt you in the process.

anyways, im not super sure what the point of this post is. i think i just hope that everyone can take care of themselves amidst this discovery, since we can be so emotionally invested in fictional stories and characters—and if something happens that bridges the gap between fiction and reality in a negative way, it can shatter you. so i just want everyone to be careful since there will be so much drama and confusion going on.

tl;dr you don’t have to be emotionally invested in the drama—in fact, it is probably better if you do not get invested at all, especially if it will only hurt you and cause you stress. please please take care of yourselves. it’s not your responsibility, not your moral obligation, to know everything about what he did or said or what’s going on. you can know the basics of the situation, pray for and care about the victims, and you can still live your life. please take care!

p.s. also.. if you previously used the eng VO and no longer wish to because of elliot.. may i recommend.. the korean vo.. tighnari’s korean va is absolutely delicious (at least in my opinion) and i would highly recommend giving it a listen :] i mean, in my opinion, the entire korean VO is severely underrated and it is my favorite voiceover so i might be biased but ehhhhh :]

#im not usually one to pay attention to cancelling and shit #but. the evidence is strong with this one😔 #i do not want to really explain it so if you want to know what the fuck im talking about you can look it up for yourself #(hold up the way i worded that sounds like im being rude bjt im not amdbsjdh😭😭❓) #but if you cant separate a VA from the character i would recommend avoiding the news as long as possible #please continue to love tighnari he is still our beloved little fox man #:’) #muji screams into the void #I LOVE THE KOREAN VOICEOVER pleaseeeee someone else cry about it with me #it has my favorjte voices for literally all of my favorite characters #genshin impact

[dumpdaily]

No one was there for me as a kid. I was isolated beyond belief. Bullied in school. The cops wouldn't help me. Nothing. I was turned into a problem child even though I was doing my best to do what people wanted. Pedo shit seemed like the only way I would get any acknowledgement of my existence. Then I got too old.

I had betrayals that seemed almost comical. As an adult I didn't find any support or anything really. I really don't know what to believe or anything. It wasn't until my last relationship that I really learned what love felt like. The first time I've really smiled was with him. But he's dead now.

I had to fight for everything. I was trying my best to be better. I was trying to make new friends. But it's been over a decade now of trying my best. I never really drank alcohol or did drugs or did anything bad for the most part. But I never learned how to live either. I still don't know what I'm allowed to do in a lot of ways.

I love my grandparents but they were busy with work 24/7 until the past few years. Also no one wants to believe that their kid is a bit of a piece of shit. It's hard to feel close to people who defended someone who hurt you so deeply but I understand it. They care about me but it's hard for me to feel it.

No matter what I do it seems like there's no way to work around the damage that's been done. I was really struggling with my physical health already but with losing the person who I was just starting to accept actually loved me. Idk. I just want to be done with it all.

I still wonder how much of anything was real. My abandonment issues are even worse than before. I think I might've been okay if I had managed to make some friends before this all happened, but I didn't. I do have 4 friends but all of them have lives and I don't get to talk to them very often.

I don't have anyone to talk to. Just in general. But I can't handle talking to strangers rn. Trying to reach out to form new connections is incredibly painful because most people don't like me. I thought about trying to stream again on twitch but no one cares so I'm just talking with myself.

I'm exhausted from having tried so hard for so long. Hoping for things to change. I kept going from shit situation to shit situation but different. And when I finally got things into a good situation, I lost my ability to walk. I lost my job. My legs were basically my lifeline because I could always walk away before. Now I was trapped. I was only just starting to recover from it all when the person I love died.

So now I don't want to put the effort into getting better. Why bother. As soon as anything good comes, it gets cursed. There's no time to enjoy it. And I'm painfully aware of how much worse everything could be. At least I'm not being drugged or trafficked or whatever. I can easily imagine much worse positions to be in.

I'm scared that reincarnation is a thing. Physically speaking I got relatively lucky in this life. To my knowledge I haven't even broken a bone. Emotionally however I was cursed with no connection. Until much later in my life and then it was torn from me. I think I'd take the physical pain and have people to bond with if I could.

It's too late for me now. I've been so thoroughly annihilated. It would take another miracle to save me. I've already had too many miracles in my life. I've already survived too many times. 25kg is something I hold onto to remind me that it was real. You can see it in the pictures. I just wish I could afford peace. I want to be free. But yet I keep living.

#dumpdaily #vent #tw #trauma #isolation #childhood trauma #tw sui ideation #grief

[faithfromanewperspective]

alastair/alice carstairs/jahanshah, strength and suffering

closing up alastember, a little late I’m sorry, I wanted to finally write out my thoughts on @thevagabondexpress’ characterisation of Alice, the genderbent version of Alastair. And mostly how this character got me so emotional, so much more than Alastair himself. From her POVs early on and her own insecurities and perceived invisibility to the whole shitshow with Claire and her time rebuilding and reconnecting with family and how she stood up tall (metaphorically) during the whole thing. I have to admit I did harbour a bit of prejudice towards bully-Alastair (courtesy of NBS era) but I think this re-characterisation has made me realise some things:

1) I wish we got to see this much of what happens in Alastair’s personal life in canon, I’d absolutely melt because something just does it for me about (usually) men who are prickly on the outside and yet suffer so much and through it all are proud and independent and reluctant to accept help but they finally do and it’s the most beautiful thing ever. And so a big shoutout to anyone who has fleshed this out in their fics over the last month (tumblr seems to be not taking my tagging rn, I don’t get it but you know who you are. I think). Like we did get some cuteness with Cordelia once she knew and accepted Alastair for who he really is (once the eavesdropping was forgiven). And maybe it’s easier for a woman to find comfort and emotional support from her Persian relatives than a man (seriously, when can men be emotionally vulnerable and still respected?) but I would LOVE to see Alastair free to do that, Thomas by his side.

2) is it the way that women seem more vulnerable because of Social Features or this very talented authorship that has me just feeling everything? Because the genderbent versions of all of the tlh characters are so much more heartbreaking to read, albeit and a really warm, inviting-hugs-from-reader way. Is it because Thomas always narrates the way he sees Alastair as ‘proud’ and ‘glorious’ and likened to a ‘Persian prince’ and goes on about his forearms that the Alastair we see seems someone heroic, in the way that we’re conditioned for men to ideally be and that includes a stark contrast from the Emotionally Sensitive Softhearted Men Who Are Definitely Unrecognised Neurodivergent Cassandra Clare is famous for? (Which in some ways Alastair is a nice change from, personality wise, not that he’s not sensitive but that he’s practical first, too practical to ever show how much he’s hurting). Is it because of the heartbreaking abuse situation with Claire and the ED stuff and how much we see it breaking saeed’s heart when he finds out, and also when he realises exactly what Esther has done to her and connects the dots between the two situations she should never have gone through, that Alice seems so uncharacteristically vulnerable? Because there really isn’t much difference compared to canon, except for gender and the others’ reactions likely as a result of it. Is it the way we so easily project physical attributes onto how we view someone, and maybe I’m not immune to that when I read how tiny and thin she ends up at points in her story? No matter what, it’s clear that both characters are incredibly resilient, and sometimes it’s a good thought experiment to see someone genderbent if it makes you realise that.

3) prolonged childhood trauma and parnetificarion (don’t ask me to fix its spelling. Sorry) and neglect are absolutely brutal things to go through and even though she herself was affected (and I often wonder if she was ever in Alastair/Alice’s shoes as a child) Sona does have a lot to apologise for as well as Elias. We see how it flows into relationships (ie with Charles/Claire) and when Saeed tries to make things better and holds Esther accountable, I was really glad and relieved to see that. Alastair goes through everything he does like it’s normal and he’s willing and that’s how he copes, but I’m DYING for him to realise how much better he deserves, and I’m glad, really glad, that Alice kind of makes her way towards that realisation. Because he deserves the world. So many good things. He really does.

4) the solidarity between Alice and Judith, both around Judith’s ruination, the collaboration for the house, Judith’s insistence Claude supports Alice, and there are many more occasions. I just love to see it. As women, or really teenage girls, it’s easy to see similarities between them: despite their vastly different family backgrounds they’ve both been abused and ruined, they’re both experiencing Big Mental Health Things Claude doesn’t completely understand but still tries his best to be there for. As men, or teenage boys really, we do see them working together sometimes and mostly being not too mad at each other—but there’s so much anger and a history of violence and all the never fully resolved things from the academy that still grate against me. Because of Cordelia in the middle of them who would do great as Claude does to have the siblings in law have a relationship of solidarity, but also because the similarities are there and I just so badly want to see them heal together. I think with Thomas and Matthew’s help they’ll get there, but I also don’t think we’ll see it in canon. I guess if I’ve learned one more thing from this, it’s that that’s what fanfiction is for.

to wrap this up I’m going to make a few final additions to the Alastair playlist (who do I tag for this?? Please, trust my song selection!) that both differentiate Alastair and Alice and also bring them together. Firstly, because the SGFG brainrot shows no signs of expiry, these two 5 seconds of summer songs are applicable to both of them, yet one is more one and the other more the other, as you will see:

-invisible. This is SUCH and Alice song, from the first time we meet her, and hear how ‘what she does best’ is disappearing. i was already missing before the night I left/just me and your shadow and all of my regrets (bold because italics decided to Not Work. I’m never writing a long post on my phone again) anyway to me this captures so much of how Alice is feeling. I feel like being a woman she’s able to be more vulnerable about this than Alastair who is definitely feeling this but to him it’s normal, and I think hidden behind the family responsibility he feels, he normalises it and doesn’t even acknowledge it as something he’s dealing with

-jet black heart. Everything about this is Alastair. From the “hurricane underneath it trying to keep us apart/I write with a poison pen/but the chemicals moving between us are the reason to start again” (Thomas lightwood, do you know how magical you are?) to “the blood in my veins is made up of mistakes” (the one line I need Alastair AND Matthew AND James AND Grace to all bond over) it’s just. Utter perfection and I’ve never seen such hope and self-deprecation co-existing before. “Maybe there’s nothing after midnight that could make you stay” reminds me of Charles and Alastair and how he takes that hurt and the view of himself it builds into his relationship with Thomas. I don’t think Alice is quite as self-deprecating and it’s more than being left that she goes through, control and many many bad things—I hope she finds some radical love for herself and stays away from self deprecation. But it’s a good song, so it stays

-youth by shawn mendes feat khalid is one I love that so captures the hope and pride and dignity and determination to do good despite everything that’s been done to them that both Alice and Alastair have. Pain, but I won’t let it turn into hate, no I won’t let it change me. (Look, italics works again smh) and this soul of mine will never break/as long as I wake up today, you can’t take this youth away

-finally, one that’s about family and because I seem to connect everything with the same 5 musicians, it’s Scar by Ashton Irwin. Talking to his mother, younger sister and baby brother it even fits Alastair’s family perfectly—but Alice is the one who bonds with her grandmother and Persian relatives. And the “can you help me be a better man” is just so. So what Alastair longs for without having had that guidance as a child.

#alastair appreciation month #alastair carstairs #genderbent tlh #genderbent tsc #song recs #music recs #by (shameless tag promotion) #5 seconds of summer #shawn mendes #ashton irwin #alastember

[blackwoolncrown]

Will you talk a little bit abt your process moving to a new country? Not like the laws and stuff, just like how it happened… I have the means to do it too but I’m really scared about selling all my stuff and leaving my house and everything. I love your blog, thank you in advance! 💛 ✨💛💛💗💗🌙🌙✨🌼🌼

Aw, thanks!

Okay ummm

Apart from the procedural process, the shift has been fairly easy for me. Well NOW though- the mental and emotional leadup to doing it was HUGE and took many months. I teach manifestation so I definitely spent all the time ahead of it using those kinds of techniques and keeping my mind really centered.

As I've mentioned before I had a relocation specialist so having meetings w her about the process gave me a lot of confidence and then ofc I made a short trip to my target country to meet w her and get a tour which was like microdosing the experience itself.

The few weeks right before were the hardest bc I was under a sudden and unexpected time crunch and it was really heavy having to pack my life up, get rid of things and prep without really a lot of time to grieve or anything. Then I had to make the first leg of my journey out, alone, and even once I had help from a friend who joined me the whole thing was really stressful and intense and I was just like kind of emotionally 'locked in' and in survival mode for a few more weeks.

But, after that I was able to rest and start to readjust and that part was honestly easy. it can get tiresome not knowing or not being fluent in another language- when I first got there I basically always picked up a pizza I could order online or just shopped at the grocery store to avoid having frustrating interactions.

But I also had a language teacher and my partner and his family and that really helped me acclimate. I honestly don't get homesick; I did not like living in the US it was such a place of violence stress and trauma. Nice to visit my friends but I'm happy to be here and every week I get better at talking to people. The only thing I miss are certain foods bc central FL is very caribbean and asian and where I'm at rn lacks a lot of those flavors. It's hard to find good canned coconut milk.

I left my home, my friends, my food, my language, my birthplace, my whole life. ANd I'd do it again.

My life has more time in it now, I'm not as stressed and rushed. It was a huge hurdle but like I told my partner- I ran away from home a few days before 18 so this is not the first time I've jumped a wall like this in order to be safe and free.

10/10 highly recommended, I wish you all the best in your journey too.

If there's anything I can say advice wise it's this:

A) You feel attached to your stuff now but the attachment or the grief of its loss is temporary. Now I'm not one of those who says 'get rid of everything!' bc if something is really core to your routine just know that SOME items are very hard to replace in another country. But the pain of loss is temporary in most instances.

B) Some of the stuff we have and love living in The Imperial West we love bc it soothes the ache we feel from living here. Remove the ache, and the need for the soothing is gone, too.

It's not that bad. Generally the gain is greater than any losses just make sure you've done your research.