#they're better than me and i am living vicariously through that

[gayofthefae]

It's the fact that it's not just that their actions are suspicious/indicative of them knowing they have feelings for each other, but their actual dynamic itself has gotten closer. You can feel the build-up without the plot-pertinent conflict around the romance. The romance itself is at its core there too with the tv-typical buildup.

They weren't this close in season 1. We often talk about it as them always having been different and then realizing but they DO have momentum. They WEREN'T this close. Like any other love story, they have been falling in love in front of us, not just noticing themselves.

They were close, closer than the others it seemed. Then they built on that in season 2 - practicing their close dynamic more and getting more used to it one-on-one, building to Mike telling Will how important he was to him near the climax of the season. In season 3, they fought for the first time, breaking some very important relationship ice, in my opinion, fighting. In doing so, they opened up a conversation about their future. One that, even if they didn't continue it, was now out in the open and they knew that the other knew, and that affects dynamics as well. This ended for the season with Mike purposefully subtextually validating that he wanted that future with Will too. closer. In season 4, they fought again, repeating more directly this new dynamic of saying their feelings out in the open, asking "What am I to you? Am I still important to you? As important as I used to be?" and working their way back. Mike took a big step forward in their relationship by not just letting it be swept under the rug like in the past but coming back to address it and voluntarily iterate how much Will means to him and apologize. That indicated to Will that he might be able to do the same, though he ultimately backed out via the El cover-up.

They have built up. Even if their dynamic has remained the same, they have over the course of the seasons been working more and more up in ability to talk with each other about their feelings. That is what needs a climax in season 5 for their relationship. And for "we're slowly improving at acknowledging the feelings we already have" as an arc, there need to be more unspoken feelings than the "you're my best friend" we've established in past intimate conversations.

#stranger things #byler #byler arc #byler analysis #byler isn't just cute like any other queercoded ship #they have BUILDUP #and we never talk about it and we need to #they have been getting progressively closer emotionally to the point of *kissing* (teehee) #but really just admitting their feelings the buildup itself is very verbal based actually #1) it was a seven. 2) it was the best thing i've ever done 3) i guess i did 4) it's not the same without you #also just noticed that it alternates who initiates it which is awesome #it goes will mike will mike #go them man #better at relationships than me fr #wait til i find out that's literally the whole point of me being a shipper #they're better than me and i am living vicariously through that

[nunalastor]

Inbox Post Spam!

Anonymous asked:

Nice to see a blog that's normal about FICTIONAL incest (it's not real get over it anon)

it's 100% fair for people to be put off by it and not be able to get over the power dynamics. it's just not something that bothers us personally when it's two consenting adults

Anonymous asked:

Morningcesters make some noise!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉

slay y'all

Anonymous asked:

got jumpscared by the BOATER while scrolling, I wore one for 4 years and hoped I’d never see one again why does the universe do this

It could be worse. It could have been the fedora.

Anonymous asked:

My friend redesigned Vox and Valentino into like good guys but they still fucked but she also made Valentino really tiny and squeaks so she asked me how they fucked and I said “if he has a dick and asshole it works” than I said “ *thump* *squeak* *thump* *sqeak* “ so this is your fault 👍

Anonymous asked:

I now squeak whenever i see radioapple stuff or anything with lucifer and alastor and i am now blaming you for it

-😋

Anonymous asked:

Funny thing about MY type of asexuality is I get horny, and then I project hard on my favorite characters. I don't WANT to find a partner or think of myself in that position, I'd prefer to live vicariously through my favorite characters and project onto them

Anonymous asked:

For some reason I forgot that Rosie was Rosie and thought when You type Susan Deg you were saying Rosie like a derogatory insult smt

I think I forgot who Susan was (even though I saw her picture at least 3 times) and my brian replaced her with Rosie

we would never disrespect rosie smh

@fujillamaparadise asked:

mood

idr what this is in reference to but i know i agree

Anonymous asked:

🪱🐍🦌📺

Passing by to tell traumatized mod that I started making a wormgate fanfic and there are currently 3+1 chapters 😏

thanks for the trauma

Anonymous asked:

I SWER TO GOD

THIS PERSON HAS THE SQUEAKY PART OF A DOG TOY

IN THEIR FUCKING MOUTH.

WHAT THE FUCK

THE *SQUEAK* *THUMP* SHIT IS HAUNTING MY BRAIN

-3💗

Anonymous asked:

Why does Lucifer gotta be so goddamn submissive and breedable. THERE SHOULD BE NOTHING THAT SEXY ABOUT THE FUCKING DEVIL HIMSELF.

I’ll see myself out, but only after I get to tap that ASS like I’m playing cookie clicker.

@mylz-flick asked:

Hey papis, how much sleep did you get? Did you sleep well? When can we start the somnophillia arc?

i'm 80% likely to be asleep at any given time, cursed mod probably got like four hours last night. they're a menace.

@katsuki17302 asked:

How did you start to get many hearts?🧐

You mean followers/engagement? I think because this blog was started at the height of Hazbin Hotel's popularity, we use the same tags pretty consistently, and we post so much stuff it's pretty difficult not to see us in a lot of the major tags. So, happy accident.

Anonymous asked:

What is going on with all the nun cursed cat Alastors 😭😭

something glorious.

Anonymous asked:

dommy mommy or subby hubby?

dommy mommy. men shouldn't have rights.

@fujillamaparadise asked:

Once upon a time, Alastor Altruist fell in love with a beautiful jambalaya. They got married, took over the world, and lived happily ever after. The end.

ty for this beautiful and riveting tale

@mylz-flick asked:

I just went and said hey to all my husbands and wives. Of course I have to end it with my favourite daddies.

Soz how are you daddy? Daddies? (With no rizz)

Better now that you're here, baby. <3 (With even less rizz)

@oholycatgod asked:

Ok I seriously gotta ask

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS IT WITH WORMS

ARE YOU OK???

WHAT HAPPENED

you can find the saga under the #wormgate hashtag but tl;dr one of the mods was like being held down and force fed worms is kinda hot??

#nunalastor asks

[crystallinestars]

That one BL ask you received is so funny to me because it would have been so easy to just send you something like "if you don't mind me asking, is there any particular reason you dislike BL?" but no, I guess it was more satisfying to just throw an accusation and then promptly block you 🙃

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you and the other anon said! I fall somewhere on the aroace spectrum and while my policy for this is just to live and let live (and block when I think it's necessary), it's sometimes pretty jarring (and alienating ngl) to see just how often people focus on relationship statuses between two characters when I'm like??? What about the rest of the story??

I think a lot of people live vicariously through their ships, especially if they're starved for representation in media. But that's kinda why I think it's cool when relationship statuses remain unconfirmed or ambiguous, because that way the source material can be elevated with another layer of possible interpretations (I hope that makes sense 😅)

My point is, I see way too many ship wars and like?? Who cares if it's platonic or romantic or something else?? It's all so boring to me because ultimately, what does it matter if it's one or the other? Ultimately it doesn't change the common factor in every scenario: that two characters were written to care about each other / be close, etc.

I also often see people throwing around literary / media analysis terms such as "x-coding" etc. to justify getting on their high horses and feel better about their preferences, when I'm pretty sure that the whole point in literary / media analysis is to find elements which can be linked into a coherent argument to support an INTERPRETATION. I'm sorry if the way I wrote this sounds dismissive, I'm just genuinely confused by this whole debate

Anyway, I'll stop ranting now 😅 Ultimately I just wanted to tell that I also agree with what you said and that I hope you won't get any other unpleasant asks in the future, especially if it's something that could be solved by a "let's agree to disagree"

I would also have appreciated it if the first anon didn't jump to conclusions before blocking me, but it is what it is. I can understand his reaction, though it's a bit immature.

As you pointed out, some people probably live vicariously through their ships, but therein lies the problem. They see their ship as a reflection of themselves, so anything that goes against their ship feels like an attack on themselves. This goes for practically any interest, not just shipping.

My guess is that investing so much of themselves into their ship/interest is what makes it so difficult to accept people's opinions/interpretations that go against theirs. And in the age of the internet where anyone can hide behind anonymity from the safety of their home, it makes is easier to send hate to those whose opinions you don't like.

As for literary/media analysis... I'm not versed in this at all so I can't say much other than I am sick and tired of people tossing those terms around. "Y character is X-coded" has stopped meaning "These are the reasons I think the character is X" and became "These are proof by the original source that the character is X, IT'S CANON". There are instances where characters truly are coded to be something, but in Genshin, 95% of the time there's no coding. Everything people preach is canonically implied is just their headcanon. Mihoyo would be shooting themselves in the foot if they assigned a sexuality to a playable character (I still despise the ship teasing though).

People are just scared of feeling like their interpretations are invalid, so they use anything at their disposal to shut down those who disagree. At least, that's what I think. In the end, I'm just as puzzled as you are about this behavior 😓

Thank you for your rant Anon, it was entertaining to read and think about. I also hope to not have to deal with accusations anymore, but I should be fine since I'm a small blog. Thank you for your support, you are very sweet :)

#Lunaria answers

[tarzinnia]

Positivity Night Shout Out

This is for @withahappyrefrain 's Positivity Night. What a great idea! I hope I did this correctly Abby.

I follow a number of creators and some of them even follow me back! It's been a great experience and so here is some appreciation and good vibes...thanks Abby for doing this!

In no particular order and some with a lil blurb lagniappe as I've gotten to know them. This is long but ya know, I'm not at the Oscars on a time limit so read it or keep scrolling past. Your choice.

@blooming-violets aka @eatbrainsfordinner gave me some great advice when I first joined on how not to get blocked due to blog appearance and has an amazing library of fics that sent me down a rabbit hole. Plus in possession of a side-holding you will fall out of your chair sense of humor. Laughter can give us hope and I know that some of her comment/replies just put me in a better frame of mind.

@liz-allyn whose mob!peter fic Sugar and Vice (all of her work really) just blows me away. If you haven't got Honey, life just isn't sweet at all at all. All her content just radiates emotion. Depth. It's all there.

@webslingingslasher such a talent and so very very kind to everyone. Am enthralled with nerd!peter/frat!peter. I have no clue where the late night sleepover energy comes from though. I am in awe.

@sincericida no one tops her blog for Andrew Garfield content. No one. I check it more frequently than I do the daily news. Could get lost for days with the top tier content. A real sweetheart, too. Always answers asks.

@luvablehand a winsome writer with great imagination. Absolutely love that there is an updated list of WIPs on the blog so I know what is coming.

@periprose Nice blogger and her Peter Parker is adorable. Completed chapter fic Florence is great.

@theradioactivespidergwen aka @she-likesorchids great writer across multiple fandoms and great wit. We share a love of various sandwiches, know that dressing is superior to stuffing, and think sweater weather is amazing. It's glorious.

@reidslovely haunting haunting writing that stays with me. Love our interactions when I have questions about a story/plot/character. Has been writing more mob!peter and I am a member of the mob!peter fan club for life.

@loveroftoomanyfandoms I came for the Peter Parker fics and somehow acquired a Matt Murdock on the hot guy keyfob. Personality shines through on her blog and is such a joy. ((HUGS)) Always love interacting and living vicariously through the 'where is Charlie this week' adventures. (Couple more months and he's going to be eating some mighty fine food in NOLA) Our food chats have been awesome and when food found it's way as the theme in a story, well I cannot say enough about how enjoyable that's been.

@p3mybeloved another great Spider-man fandom creator. Read on here and AO3.

@ficthots writes for the fandom that is number one in my heart (TASM) and LIghtning Bugs makes me cry but it's that good kind of tears.

@delicate-dorothea sweet sweet writing that is addictive to read. Really looking forward to continuing to read and follow.

@backtothefanfiction someone I just started following but wow, am currently enthralled with a multi chapter mob!peter fic (The Angel In The Garden Of Evil) that has blown me away. Been a lot of fun to follow the character arcs and the twists and turns. Love writing essays for this creator when I reblog because the back and forth has been wonderful and enriching. I know the longer series can be so hard to write and maintain but they are a feast when you can find them. I've had a front row seat and am looking forward to more works in the future.

@helloheyhihowdyheya Love her works. Reading Rose Thorn Blues right now, and if asked to pick a fave out of the masterlist of Spider-man fics I'm not sure I could because they're all my babies.

@thursdaygxrls so much imagination in her writing, love it and love all the fics. Am currently following two: Thin Ice and Infrunami.

@withahappyrefrain Abby, whose Peter Parker won me over from the get go and then wrote TGM fics that added more hot male characters to the keyfob. Perfect sense of humor, never afraid to call out haters, and you just glow with sunshine and flowers right when I need it most. Big hugs and a shout out.

Other bloggers reblogging content is how I ran across many of you listed above so readers and content creators: reblog whatever you enjoy because it's really what keeps Tumblr active and engaging. When I'm not writing, I'm enjoying what others create and the inspiration and encouragement and words you share is wonderful and thank you for the effort you put into what you do!

#tumblr writers #fanfiction #content #tasm fanfiction #tasm #peter parker #peter parker fanfiction #andrew garfield #tasm peter parker #tasm!peter parker #amazing spider-man #spider-man #mob!peter #mob!peter fan club #mob!peter parker #frat!peter #nerd!peter #top gun maverick fanfic #daredevil fanfiction #daredevil #matt murdock fanfiction #matt murdock #matt murdock fanfic #tasm fanfic #positivity night #jake and venus

[booasaur]

As someone at 27 y/o bi leaning towards women.. who’s born in a country that doesn’t support lgbt rights and also in the closet because of homophobic dad/relatives, im honestly so upset by this. The only way I can live my truth is to live vicariously through the wlw media that I consume and it fuckin hurts. It’s heartbreaking that even just being who I am is impossible and the only way I can is being ripped away from me. I don’t know how much more I can take, especially during pride month

Oof, I get you, anon. When it's your only outlet to something that for others can manifest in so many life-changing ways, crushes, first kisses, dating, sex, marriage, children, it can be so stifling when even the one avenue you have is closed off. And however far away it's happening, it's a reminder of the same homophobia and restrictions you see right around you, so it feels even more hopeless, knowing that in places that are supposedly better off, there are still these major battles to be fought.

I don't know your exact situation, but here are some of the things that helped me come to terms with these same frustrations:

First, focus on individual people more than trends. That's tough to do, for sure, especially when, again, you see so much homophobia directly around you so it seems ubiquitous, but if you're particularly taking WN's case to heart, remember that as much as Netflix tried to shut it down, the cast and crew fought for it! For all these cancellations, there are people who made the original media in the first place and tried to keep it going. It's not hopeless, there's so much support and so many allies.

This next part might be hard to accept, and you know, maybe it's not what'll work for you, but for me, I really did have to learn to not get really deep into any one show or ship. When things are good, they're so good, it all sucks you in, you check the updates all the time, and maybe most importantly, there's this whole community you become a part of. But when you lose it, not if, because in f/f you will, even if things end well, there aren't enough people to keep it going, the more you've made it a part of your life, the more you feel that loss.

All fans should exercise moderation and keep things in perspective, but I'm speaking more to people like us, who don't have anything in real life to balance out what we experience through media.

I answered this ask a little late because I did get sucked up into other shows airing right now that have f/f and that doesn't negate the core issue, this will be the final season for most of them, if not all, but there's still something to get into, even just in f/f media. Perhaps you may prefer lesfic, or the f/f Youtube/Tiktok scene, or webseries.

It's also worth getting into non-media hobbies. Or, you know, at least consuming non-f/f media. I remember being angry at seeing the m/f couples in pretty much everything else while we couldn't have anything, so I just didn't watch anything at all and instead just did those elaborate adult paint by numbers and listened to comedy podcasts. And once I did feel more in the mood to watch stuff again, it was goofy sitcoms and old school murder mysteries, where it wasn't really like, oh, I wish this had more of us. :P

Lastly, it really does sting at you if you feel isolated and alone even from your own family, so try to see if there are other ways you can connect with them. Otherwise it just adds to your negative feelings to resent and fear them.

None of this may work for you, there are so many other possibilities, moving away, coming out, getting involved with LGBT organizations near you or just meeting other queer people, but I'm sure you've already considered those options and they're not currently doing enough for you. But I would at least give some of this a shot, try some distance at first, and hopefully it'll start to feel better. It really doesn't help that we're globally going through a pretty rough time, but just focus on feeling better yourself.

#replies #femslash related stuff #sent on 20230606 #Anonymous #5

[silverloreley]

Do you have any headcanons about Jehan Frollo (Claude Frollo's younger brother from the original Hunchback of Notre Dame novel) being in the Disney Hunchback universe and/or Descendants?

Fun fact about me: although I am a literature student, I never read French books. I read poems and extracts, but never full books, which include Victor Hugo. Therefore, I had no idea before that post a few days ago that Judge Frollo had a brother.

That said, based on the aforementioned post, these are the ideas I have for the character:

being the younger sibling to a rather shitty older brother who has one great career can't be easy, so Jehan must have a bit of an inferiority complex, possibly exacerbated by their parents or by the society

they must have a bit of an age gap, I suppose, because yes, it may take some long time to get a uni degree and, unlike now, there were no fixed deadlines and the system was a tad different, but Claude is 40-something, I think, so his brother can't be that much younger, I think 30-something? Anyway, if they're orphans, Claude ended up having to raise-provide for Jehan at some point and that never quite stopped

I read on Wikipedia Jehan had an alcoholism problem, which was rather common for older students, as it was the fact he wasted lots of money on drinks rather than on his studies. History tells us many young men left home for their studies and dissipated lots of money this way, but since the families didn't quite know how much books and lessons would cost, it was easy for most students to scam their relatives. I suppose Jehan could have tried to do the same, but with his older brother living in Paris and being an increasingly prominent figure, this may have not worked as well

the two brothers don't have a bad relationship, all things considered, even if they butt heads on issues like money and perdition, Claude actually covers up for his brother's messes (mostly because it would damage his reputation if word got around, but also because he lives vicariously through his brother's vices as he can't do that kind of things himself)

as a student, Jehan is the exact kind of "he could do better, if he actually put some effort" student, but he has dreadful company and his brother's silent approval (despite the vocal disapproval) so he doesn't try. His inferiority complex didn't help.

despite those bad traits, he isn't a bad person, deep down. He's a messy man who can't put himself in line, and he lets his bad habits get the worst of him, but said bad habits are overindulging, and not violence or will to hurt others. Overall, he's more damage to himself (and his brother's pockets) than to others

Jehan never put his nose in his brother's matters, whatever they may have been. In fact, he never even tried to meet Quasimodo despite knowing Claude adopted him. When it came to the persecution of Esmeralda's people and the girl in particular, Jehan was distantly upset (in his students' circle the whole thing was disapproved of) but did nothing to try and convince his brother to stop

In Descendants, since he lived a dissolute life thanks to his brother's money and given he could have done something but didn't, overall doing nothing wrong and nothing good, it was unclear whether he should have been sentenced to the Isle

so he was given a chance: if he set himself straight in a year, he could avoid the Isle, otherwise, he'd be deemed a lost cause and follow his brother

If he managed, he ended up becoming a normal person who, after Ben's decree for the freedom of the Isle kids, would be given custody of his niece Claudine - a good thing for the poor girl, since Jehan became a good enough person he could support here and help with her trauma

If he got sent to the Isle, instead, he'd fall back under his brother's wing, and yet he's the reason Claudine is still well-adjusted enough. He learned his lessons and knows if he had stopped Claude from doing the horrors, neither of them would be there, so he tries to protect Claudine at least a little bit. This leads the brothers to butt heads more than before, yet Jehan tries and that little thing makes a world of difference for the girl.

I did this in half an hour, I hope it's coherent enough, lol

#question answered #descendants

[threejadesoflan]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN.

respond to the prompts out of character!

what made you pick up the current muse(s) you have? The answer, as ever, is brainrot. I fell down the danmei rabbit hole after getting the MDZS manhua and am to blame for dragging frexiasought down with me, but it's her who convinced me to make the blog and try writing some of my favourites. That said, I still want to write fanfiction with them too.

is there anything you don’t like to write? Character or ship bashing. I'll never enjoy reading it, and I refuse to write it. Obviously some characters are antagonists, but I'm so tired of Jiang Cheng bashing and Lan Xichen or Lan Qiren bashing. I didn't leave the FE community just to see the same things here.

is there anything you really enjoy writing? Maybe it's because I'm an old woman, but recently I've come to LOVE family content. Mu Qing's style of running his Palace is based on sect culture but also on that. And in general I just LOVE good sibling dynamics.

how do you come up with headcanons? Primarily brainwaves. Typically I bounce these brainwaves off of my notes app or Eva before I finalise them, but there's no telling what prompts some of those. They might come while I'm reading/watching, but also out of the blue while I'm working or showering. I do, however, also have a history of reading fanfics, spotting headcanons or portrayals I enjoy, and stealing them for myself (often with a bit of readjusting to better fit my own purposes). I'm not proud of stealing, and I try to credit the og fics if it applies, but I'm not above admitting it. 

do you write in silence or do you play music? I tend to have speedruns open at all times when I'm home, so I listen to that. Otherwise I typically have music going, though I usually can't sit still when listening to music. I detest silence, though.

do you plan your replies or wing them? I typically wing them. Usually I'll have an idea of how to respond when I first see the post/ask I'm responding to, but as to how I execute that thought and add to it, that's winged. Wung?

do you enjoy shipping? Recently I've come to enjoy more platonic relationships more, but I will always be a shipping whore. I think that my aromantic ass lives vicariously through fictional characters.

what’s your alias/name? BP!

age? I just turned 31 this year and I feel like a relic of an ancient civilisation.

birthday? Mid February.

favorite color? Red and black, judging from my warhammer armies.

favorite song? I go back and forth. Wuji (XiaoZhan and WangYibo version) is very high up there atm though.

last movie you watched? Kingsman. My brother insisted I had to, as a self-respecting Bachelor of English Literature, and he was right.

last show you watched?  I'm actually in the middle of watching the Untamed with Eva! It's a lot better than I expected, the actors very clearly understood the characters they're portraying.

last song you listened to? According to my youtube history, something from the Golden Sun Dark Dawn OST.

favorite food? I would commit a crime for the asian-inspired soups from a local noodle joint.

favorite season? Cranky old woman doesn't like any season. I go from hay fever season into cold season. I'd say autumn, but the cycling roads get super dangerous and the low-hanging sun blinds me. So probably summer, outside of heatwave time, bc both school and work tend to settle down around that time.

do you have a tumblr best friend? Pep and Eva for sure!

#ooc

[aceofshitposts]

i've basically been thinking about this post about how if you mention being aro/ace in therapy that most therapists will treat that as something to fix non stop since i first saw it so fuck it we're talking about my experience with aromanticism and asexuality (and, honestly, borderline personality disorder as an extension of that)

so if you've been here for any amount of time you've probably figured out i love romance. i love shipping characters, i love writing romance, i love happy endings. and that's been pretty consistent my whole life but

i never really felt those things for myself. i used to like think of boys in my class and try and figure out if my distaste for them was actually a crush or what have you lmao however this wasn't really a problem until i started having my friends in highschool start telling me i must've had a crush on a friend because i'd get so happy to talk to him.

i had no idea what a crush was supposed to be like so surely my friends knew better than me?

and so this went several times over the years with my friends telling me i *must* have a crush when i didn't think i did. but nobody ever believes you when you claim to not have romantic feelings for anyone and i didn't trust my own feelings enough to stand up for myself. i kept thinking i wasn't trying hard enough and berate myself for being unable to act normal in a relationship.

it took a long long time to realize i don't want a romantic relationship. but with that comes its own set of problems because i don't want to be alone either.

i spent a good chunk of my life dreaming of yknow that one person who is supposed to love you through thick and thin and to suddenly realize that's never going to happen to you is... rough. and it's hard to get people to understand without them telling you to just try harder.

i feel like it's like telling someone who's trans that they just weren't trying hard enough to be their assigned gender. it's not a matter of trying hard enough it's just not how you feel. i may act in a way some people might perceive as romantic but that's just not how i feel about it. i wish i did. i desperately want to be able to feel romantic love myself and yet it is just out of reach for me. so i live vicariously through fanfiction.

and like, i know queer platonic relationships exist but they're hard to find. and i am trying, mind you, i haven't given up but it's just. tough.

and then there's the bpd which adds a whole other aspect of bullshit to all of this because

i'm constantly angry and jealous and prone to break downs and shutting off my emotions entirely depending. i'm angry at myself all the time for failing to meet my own made up parameters of "being normal"; i get jealous when i realize other people have these close relationships that i feel like i'll never get and then i'll just. turn off my feelings for people at the drop of a hat if i feel threatened in any way.

which is. no way to live and yet here we are. i don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me because of all this and like. at the same time i'm not mad directly at anyone for their decisions or anything.

i just have a lot of emotions and it's difficult to drown them out to a bearable level without shutting down completely. and nobody wants to deal with me when i'm angry which is like fair but at the same time i always end up feeling like i'm not allowed to feel those things. i keep hearing about validating your feelings but then in therapy i'm supposed to use techniques to distract myself and stop myself from being angry but it always seems to be i'm supposed to forget about whatever triggered me.

just grin and bare it until the grinning is your default i guess.

and there's this whole other level of because my emotions are largely negative that everything is my fault. that if i snap it's a problem with me, i have to apologize for my outbursts and be the one who does better going forward. and like- that's fine. i'm fine taking responsibility for my actions but there's been times where i am just trying to express that i have feelings and get told to calm down or end up having to comfort the other person because they think i'm attacking them.

anyway. it's not like i expect anyone here to have solutions or anything. and like i said this isn't like... me being mad at anyone in particular it's just a lot of things i have experienced over my entire life. one of the things i know does help me is putting my thoughts out into the world. helps me feel like they're real rather than just having them bounce around in my head like the dvd logo lol

#astrix thoughts #long post so i put it under a cut lol #being an adult is hard and exhausting

[vibinmonarch]

The Messages

Every single day that Wasp was in prison Monarch would leave a message of how things were going. 

Wasp didn't get any of these while he was in prison because they blocked comm communications. When he escaped, he got all 276,392 messages at once saved in his comms.

He would listen to them occasionally to make himself feel better while he was on the run, listening to a new one each time in chronological order. After all, someone believed him! One bot believed him! More than that he could live vicariously through Monarch and not have to think about the hell he'd been through in prison or the constant struggle of being on the run. Silence was torture so he filled it with their voice. 

It started off as "The date is XX/XX/XXXX, your first day in prison. I figure I'll help you keep track because . . . I've heard it's not so pleasant there . . . Anyway! I hope this will keep your spirits up while you're stuck in there! I am certain you are innocent my friend and I will do everything in my power to get you out! Don't you worry!'" then continued with how their life was going with records of exciting activities, battles, the good, the bad,  everything. 

Then one day, "The date is XX/XX/XXXX, your 145th day in prison. They have barred me from speaking of you. I am sorry. I can only convince them if I have evidence of who truly is the Decepticon traitor. I will continue my investigation in secret and fill you in on all I find. I miss you and I can't wait until you're free!" Then talked about day-to-day activities as well as updates about their search for the true traitor and it was going super well for the next few centuries! Progress was slow, but they are always moving forward.

He started to wonder if he'd only been in prison for a little over 750 years, it had felt longer, closer to millennium (which was much more accurate). However, he was sure that Monarch wouldn't just randomly stop. And why wasn't he getting any new messages? He started to near the end of the messages. They started to become more and more optimistic of Wasp's release and the real Decepticon being brought to justice. That worried Wasp.

Then he listened to the final message. Monarch was in hysterics very clearly trying to keep their voice steady, "The date is XX/XX/XXXX, your- your 276,392nd day in prison. My- my friend. I have very bad news. Primus I'm so sorry! I- I- I have been chosen for- for an experiment. They are going to attempt to turn me into a triple changer!" They sobbed, "Bots- they say I should be honored, but I'm just scared! I don't want to I- It is a completely unnecessary and experimental procedure! I- I could very well die and- I'm sorry I'm so so sorry! I don't know if I'll be able to help you anymore! A-as I told you I've been able to narrow it down to someone in the intelligence division and I need to keep going or-" another sob, then a sharp inhale and silence, "They're trying to get rid of me, aren't they? Whoever the- Decepticon is- they knew I was looking-" despair starts creeping over them, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Wasp I-" the voice mail was cut off followed by the message, "Your comm mailbox is full! You can no longer receive new messages! We strongly suggest clearing out space to allow for new ones! Have a lovely day! Beep"

#angst #tfa #oc #oc stuff #oc story #transformers #transformers animated #maccadam #tfa wasp

[funkymbtifiction]

Which MBTI or Enneagram types merge and become one with the fictional (or real) characters in books/movies they read/watch? 

I don't know that it's tied to MBTI type, though I have found it rather common in 9s who diffuse themselves into whatever they are watching and get lost in it, almost as if they are merging with entertainment rather than another person. Several INFP 9s have told me they're careful what they watch since they don't want to merge into anything they hate and be stuck with feelings they don't want.

I do that a lot. I don't necessarily mean every character, but the ones that I relate to on a basic level (due to similar background, desires, limitations, life problems, pains, mental states or life stories, etc). I can rarely get myself to watch and enjoy movies/series with no characters I can relate to.

This is somewhat similar to an ISTP 9 I know, who told me that it's not just if she can't relate, but that she can't enjoy anything where she has no desire to live vicariously through the characters -- like if there's no character I WANT TO BE, this movie is meaningless to me. It's strange from my perspective how a lot of introverts want to relate to characters, or find ones exactly like them, or identify with them -- because I just watch things and judge them on what I think of the characters' behaviors (selfish or unselfish, someone I'd get along with or not?). Either way, most of the people I know are 9s who do this, and none of them are ITJ types, so it either has to do with feeler + 9 (IFP / my feelings are involved here) or Fe + 9 (absorbing fully into someone else).

I don't know exactly why I do that. I guess by doing it, I get to know that I'm not alone, accept myself, learn their coping skills and imitate some of their behavior, lifestyles and interests.

So you're trying to learn from them?

However, sometimes it gets annoying or even dangerous. Cause sometimes these characters face really depressing situations, develop unhealthy patterns and habits, get into negative cycles or use unhealthy or dangerous coping skills instead of fully accepting themselves. All of these can affect me in a terrible way, as if I am them, or I'm the one facing those problems or feeling their pain/depression, or making those mistakes. And sometimes their pain reminds me of my own situation, which makes me enter a cycle of depression or copy their unhealthy coping skills.

This sounds like over-immersion into fantasy, or being unable to separate fantasy from reality. You aren't reinforcing a boundary. The mind naturally interprets what we see on movies as 'real' which is why our emotions can be engaged. But the conscious mind knows it's not real, it's scripted. You need to learn to establish boundaries and create a division between me and the object -- me and the movie. Their habits are not mine, their emotions are not mine, and not give of yourself that freely. And it might be wise, until you learn to better distance yourself, to research things in advance and not indulge in things that are too close to a bad situation in your own life.

I have experienced this some, where instead of watching something to get me out of depression, I watched something depressing to sink me further into it, or I absorbed its ideas about myself or injected myself into the narrative and expected similar things to happen to me (when I was about eighteen and saw Girl Interrupted, I assumed because of my depression I might wind up in a mental ward one day and got even more depressed :P that was not my brightest moment).

Ne's are rather too good at fantasizing and self-injecting into a fake world, especially if they are attachment types who struggle to divorce themselves from the object or idea. It's easy to step away and just fall into something and go with it and assume it's about you, without having enough self-differentiation to realize this is fake. So it's something to be aware of, as well as aware of how entertainment impacts you and to stay away from the stuff that hurts you. (I had to stop watching Mad Men, because it depressed me so much.)

My rational side finds this unhealthy and wants to get out of it, but no matter how hard I try, I still get back to step one, overindulge in this behavior and indirectly enjoy putting myself in those depressing situations with those triggers (watching/reading/listening to those movies/books/musics several times). Is this behavior common in unhealthy INTPs? Is it inferior Fe or enneagram related?

Indirect enjoyment is why you keep doing it. People do nothing unless there is a perverse reward of some kind in it, even if it's self-destructive. You don't want to stop doing it bad enough to stop.

I'd say you first need to address why you can't watch anything without self-inserting into the narrative (I need to relate to someone) -- is this a means of trying to establish yourself in the outside world through someone outside yourself? Or is this the only way you feel in touch with your feelings as an inferior Fe type, to go through it "with" them and then react as they do or beside them? Is this a creative workaround (living vicariously through fiction) rather than reading therapy books that could help you cope with trauma, depression, loss, etc? Ask all kinds of questions of yourself and try to get to the reason why you are doing this; knowing the why might help you to find better coping mechanisms, put up stronger boundaries, and process things separately so you can just 'enjoy' a good movie.

#question #mbti #enneagram #enneagram 9

[itlivesproject]

seeing all the absolutely MESSY love square potential for the ilitw crew in the redfieldmc route and grinning bc at this point in time everyone is basically at the same level as eo. i have a playthrough for EVERY ilitw LI in the redfieldmc route except for connor (i love him however i personally do not want to experience his nerve going down and potentially dying or worse bc of ilwmc pushing the noahmc agenda. living vicariously through other people's screenshots for that one 😳 also i am using that save option JUDICIOUSLY bc of this i am now on page SIXTY 💀) and i have a mental ranking of each one of them based the criteria of what the FUCK they're doing to bring mc back. noah unsurprisingly is number 1. ava was the sole second but then dan came in with the steel chair so NOW they're tied. lucas andy and stacy are all tied for third and im mentally poking them with a stick to do SOMETHING bc they WILL end up getting their bf/gf stolen at this rate. im manifesting a last minute big showing for them next chapter bc if they don't. oh my girl WOULD get their ass for not even doing the bare minimum (and in stacy's case. it's even worse. her BROTHER did more for her love than she did 💀 dan deserves to steal her girl fr with the amount of research he apparently did – that lucas BETTER have joined in on in his route i can't have my main man slacking like this 😭). i would make all of them have an endgame (which makes it three for each playthrough. one for the LI one for noah and one for dan. stem prepped me to categorize everything meticulously but good god. i would have over two hundred saves by the end of this — not even considering the abel/mc/lincoln hoe route, the abelmc matthiasmc route that would be SO messy i have no idea why no one is mentioning the betrayal in this case bc abel ADORES this man and he goes in like a dilf and goes for the person they're falling for like hello? 😬 and the lincolnmc matthiasmc route that would simply be the definition of explosive. the clean routes i have for each LI are already part of the first sets i started bc i am in love with them but damn. i need an excel chart to keep up 💀) but their rankings would be the basis of whether or not i would go full throttle on the angst for their secondary route before i let them resolve things in a narratively satisfying manner (while ilbmc is simply living their best life and ilwmc also if she's not dodging the hoe allegations. ilitwmc poster child for why you should NEVER be so awesome that almost half ur friend group is in love with you at any given time 💀). mc choosing someone at the end of this unexpected ilitw bachelor would make my heart hurt for the other two losers but i KNOW i would be enjoying it the whole time alongside the main ilwmc romances. ilitw gang best friend group of all time i love them so much which is why i cannot help but put them in situations. this got absolutely lengthy and actually longer than some of my assignment answers but i wanted to cover all my bases so sorry for the one who gets to read this wall of text i simply got so excited 😁 this story lives rent free in my mind and whatever happens i cant wait to see how it would turn out for everybody in the cast it's been an honor playing your game 🥰❣️

PS: when i saw the dan romance option the image of redfieldmc's LI kicking noah's ass while dan sneaked in with his steel chair and stolen mc right under their noses went to mind 😭 the other two were all pikachu face it was hysterical. i cant WAIT for the absolute mess redfieldmc's love life is going to be. their staying power (which is especially miraculous given yt fmc's looks. asian fmc face ure pretty and my baby girl but black fmc outpaces you in the face card department) is UNMATCHED

LMFAOOOOOO this is so 😭😭😭 first of all PAGE 60 on SAVES???? u are so brave idk how you filter through all of that😭 also yeah the ilitw drama is very eh hem,,, dramatic!!?!! but i’m glad ur enjoying it!!! and im sure you’ll like the next chapter very much ! for reasons i will not say hehe 🤭

(ps im glad u see my vision🤭🖤)

#mod sugar #ask #anon

[virtualmentalitylove]

Dear reader, (i forgot hw many entries this is now)

Okay. SO much to say.

I got the job for RMIT, but I have to finalize the offer

I have to finish murder module for criminal law

Start writing economics essay

Okay so it has been one day and I have not yet started.

I don't know when I will die. Maybe it's today, maybe tomorrow. "So when my time comes to be my turn" "so when I go which I must do" I know for a fact that I will regret my life and my decisions. I'll regret living my life vicariously through the lives of others, watching media that leads to brain rot, caring about people that don't care about me. Choosing to live a sinful and meaningless life. Although, I believe in Christ, I feel as though i am not living my life for christ, but for the flesh. The wills of the flesh. I want to be better, so I am going to start a new way of life. No more watching news that I don't understand (I believe now it is the conflcit and drama I enjoy in my life to subsititue for me not having a social life). I honestly even don't know what they're talking about in the news. Todday I was lazy, I ate too much, I wasted my time and sinned against God.

here are some things I want to learn to become the person I believe I need to be:

I want to start studying properly. Taking my academic work seriosuly will please my Parents and make me more disciplined and a better person.

I want to start studying the bible, not just memorizing scripture, but understanding the context, the history, the intepretation and other ideologies that contradict Christianity.

I wanna study history (ancient, mythology, biblical history, everything). When I mean study I don't just mean learn about history from youtube. But understand the significance in our lives. Specifically war, South East Asian history, the history no one ever talks about.

Learn languages I can use; tagalog, malay, Japanese, spanish, French, Chinese (mandarin) and so many more.

Learn about politics (not just what's going on in the world) but learn about the mechanism, diplomacy, the treaties.

Agriculture

It's already 1:35am Saturday morning

I can feel my brain rotting. Right now I am alnguishing in my own pain and sufferig. I feel so tired, yet I want to do so much. I know in the future, whether it be tomorrow or next week or ayear from now. I will look back on this moment and think why didn't I just do something, Why didn't I just supress my laziness and try. I don't liek to think about this, because if I did then I would have to think about all those times where I sepnt hours on my phone, the hours eating food when I wasn't hungry and all those times I wasted in my whole life. So I Want to try. I want to be better, but sometimes I feel that I am too attached to the past, too afraid. I remeber as a kid I felt like I could do everything. I don't know what it was, I feel like it was this spark or this unexplainable optimism. Thta made me believe I could learn everything. As I got older I lost that spark. What I once thought were possible seems to not be. But the dreams I once had as a child is still with me, I know that all fo it is not possible, but at the back of my mind there's still hope. That my 12 year old self has always wanted.

I feel like I have wasted my life, my parent's life. I dont know why I feel this way. Somethings are left unsaid, the worst feeling is being unable to comprehend your own emotions. Why did my lfie lead to this. Why am I like this.

Let's dissect my life;

The negatives: I hav etaken on more than I could possibly imagine. all the classess and responsibility i don't want. Being stuck in the past, still thinking of people who have forgotten me. Being surronded by endless information all the poeple on the internet telling me how to feel and what to do with myself. I feel like I've lost my sense of self. Only seeing the world through a screen has definitley harmed my sense of self. I feel like I need a detox from the internet, social media, endless amounts of pornography and all the people whose opinions I honestly don't care about. Living my life through imaginations and not reality has harmed me the most. But nothing in the world has set me back then these words "I'll do it next time".

The positives: I have a a good family. No matter what I've always had them. Although they annoy me to the pint where I sometimes don't want to be in the house. I still love them. I have the unending word of God, guiding me through life. I have access to unlimited knowledge and technology that some poeple can only dream of. I can read any books, watch videos on history, chemistry. I honestly believe one of the reasons that I am so sensitive and weak is because I lack the knowledge. I believe that knowledge will better poeple. Maybe I should live by this.

More positives;

I am studying 2 different courses (2 Bachelor degrees + 1 associates degree)

I am on track to becoming more healthy and more aware of my physical health.

I started walking this year for the very first time

I just came back on holiday from Japan and Philippines 4 months ago

I cna be better I am going to be better because I ahve no choice anymore.

[whythewords]

Saddle up

In the vain of the last post, is there a point in updating this anymore? I think I do it more for my own benefit because realistically the application of this whole thing is to get these thoughts onto a (digital) page. I've oftentimes in the last little while thought that I didn't have much to say, until I started saying it. Then it flowed out like water breaking through a dam.

Things are where they were, they're where I left them. I'm still trying to make moves to...well..move. I SAY I'm trying harder to make it happen this year, but realistically I've done a lot planning for the steps I should be taking and not actually taking said steps. I feel like I said something to that effect last time too...or maybe it was the time before that. It's all starting to run together.

Work has been kicking my ass the last few weeks. Again, something I feel like I've already asked but I guess it bares repeating: is it too early to be bitter? And maybe bitter is too strong a word. I contend in other discussions about this gig that my worst day is here is still better than my best day at the old job. I haven't had full-on panic attacks. I haven't had a day so shitty that all I wanted was the warmth of my home and for it still to be at least an hour out of my grasp...and be kinda shitty there too anyway. Well...I guess things are shitty at home now as well but for different reasons. But at least I'm close by.

That's the other thing. I know my folks mean well, but it's been increasingly tough lately. I went to see an old friend in Toronto and was riddled with texts and phone calls because I hadn't come home yet and it was late. 37 years old and being checked in on, helicopter parented by my 80 and almost 80 year old folks. I lost my damn mind and got into a huge blowout with my dad over it..and fuck even that...even that is some teenager bullshit. I just don't want any of it. I've been spending far less time with them and it's not too hard for them to notice when someone is avoiding them in their own home. My mom seems more understanding of my plight...my dad is the one who makes comments. Just moments ago he brought me a plate of fruit, admittedly a very sweet and homey gesture and something I would SURELY miss if I was off living on my own...and as he set it down he said "here, since you don't want to spend time with us anymore." The implication being that they were having fruit earlier while watching Jeopardy! which I used to watch with them pretty frequently, but I opted not to tonight. I bowed out of the tradition.

And you know what? He's fucking right. I DON'T want to spend time with them anymore. At least not right now. Not after spending almost 3 years with them beginning during one of the most truly shitty times in my life, and trying to claw my way back to some sense of normalcy and claim SOME semblance of the independence that one would think ought to be allotted to an employed, fairly intelligent 37 year old man. If I move far, mom already said they're gonna go where I go so I am going to keep seeing them frequently, but on my own terms and with the ability to retreat to my own space. And if they stay out here in Mississauga, I'm gonna be back out here visiting friends and family constantly anyway...and friends in Toronto, and friends in Guelph, and friends in Burlington....

And maybe a girl in Burlington? But let's not get our hopes up. Let's not do the same thing we do every single god damn time we get a little deep into these dating apps. So yeah, that happened again (against my better judgment.) I was seeing some old friends this past Friday night (those ones in Toronto, in fact) that I hadn't seen in a while. We were talking about dating and it came to light that couples in healthy (or I suppose unhealthy) relationships oftentimes have a weird FOMO about the dating apps and like to live vicariously through their single friends. I don't know if it's necessarily just FOMO or more of an "oh wow look at the freak show" mentality, but either way I said "fuck it" and decided to download the two apps I had profiles on so we could marvel at the state of dating right now all together. This is after I had pledged to myself and others that I would stay off that shit until I figure out this next chapter of my life. Now, in my defence...the alcohol was flowing...(one full beer on a half empty stomach, because that's all it takes for my old ass these days...I didn't say it was the best defence.) So I got out the phone and casted to their TV and we swiped and we laughed and we drank. One of the friends posited that we should get together again but go out to a bar instead and she would be my "wingwoman" and all that, and it all was very fun and light-hearted. But by the end of it, I did tell them both that there was a good chance these apps would be off my phone again in a couple of weeks.

Cut to the next day. Saturday morning. No big plans. A few matches. And now I'm in it. Halfway true to my word, I very quickly deleted one of the apps as there was absolutely no traction there, but there were a few light conversations happening on the other one. A couple of new matches over the course of the week, some conversations, and one in particular that quickly resulted in a date after just a few days of chatting. What's more, she was the one to ask me out which was a surprising and welcome change from the flakiness I'd experienced from the last couple of women I had "successful" meetups with on the apps. The date was fine. Simple. We had drinks and chatted and got to know each other a little better. We already have another one scheduled for next Tuesday. These should be good things...but I'm worried.

I'm worried about the hole I dug myself into after the last couple of connections I made on these apps. I'm worried that I felt so committed to NOT being on the apps while I figured the rest of my life out, that maybe that mentality is still lingering. I still have walls up. I had to really actually try to tell myself during the date to drop my guard a little bit. I told my friend this and he expressed concern that I shouldn't jump in if I don't feel ready...but I've BEEN doing this...I've BEEN ready. I think I'm ready just not nearly as...I don't know...hopeful? And that's sad. But I am willing, SO fucking willing to have my mind changed. So we'll see. Rolling with the punches is sort of the name of the game here. Don't wanna over-invest...don't wanna be aloof and dismissive. Just need to meet in the middle.

Maybe that improv class I've been taking will help with the dating thing and allow me some more unguarded spontaneity? Maybe I just needed a smooth transition into talking about the improv class. It has been a fucking blast, actually. I have looked forward to it every Tuesday and it's been a nice consistent routine and activity to get outta the house with. And tomorrow is the last session...(technically today because it is well past midnight and fuck I should be sleeping). I can't believe 8 weeks already passed. It fucking flew by. And I definitely think I wanna take the next class in the series or do an acting class at the theatre centre closer to me or just...something. I need another fun thing I can do for a little while to just get out of my same-ass routine.

This is all sort of reminiscent of my brief time in Toronto that I previously mentioned being nostalgic for. It was a rediscovery: Getting more involved in music, going out mid-week to just "check out the scene" as it was. Hell, that was my first experience on the dating apps as well. And that first part was fun...it was always fun until it wasn't. But I'm here now, and I'm trying again because I just might as fucking well right?

So here we go.

Back in the saddle.

#life of joe #online dating

[safeandsound]

hey! sorry i’ve been away for a bit- had some stuff going on and wasn’t around on this app that much (unusual for me💀) but it’s good now & i’m back. how were you? christmas is next week! do you have a tree in your place?🎄

i absolutely loved rep tour, and hearing getaway car is definitely a highlight for me! ugh i can imagine how healing it must have been to hear fearless in person and see thousands of hand hearts across the crowd🫶 & i agree, i saw rep from the nosebleeds and the stage visuals are soooo cool, i bet eras’ is even better. ooh i understand that about not getting to exchange bracelets. i’ve been making some for my show but idk if i’m outgoing enough to chat with people to trade :s can i make you one, as a secret santa gift? (i’ll send photos only obv, unless we’re both comfortable with sharing addresses after i reveal who i am😮) i know more people like surprise gifts but i’m not really good at it so: if you can suggest me an album, song, or a color palette i’ll work from there😶😶

also my work is a pretty normal 9 to 5 corporate desk job lol nothing exciting about it. wishing you a lovely sunday! -your secret santa🤗❤️

i hope everything's okay 🥺🥺🥺 christmas is in less than a week!!! that sounds so fake!!! i have lights wrapped on my apartment stairs outside but i don't have a tree :((( i wish i did, i love them sm. do you have one?

rep tour my beloved ... that's my favorite album, one of my top 3 albums of music in general, and i would do Anything to be able to go back and attend that tour. i used to watch the rep tour movie all the time to live vicariously through it. getaway car live seemed like suuuuuch a vibe 😭 what surprise song did you get???

i hope you can manage to trade at least a few even if it's just with the person/people sitting next to you 🥺🥺🥺 even if it's just you not even saying anything, just holding out a bracelet for them to take :'))) it's scary but i think you can do it :'))) are you going alone?

of course you can make me one 🥺 i would absolutely adore that 🥺🥺🥺 normally i'd suggest seven or safe and sound since they're my fave songs, but i have bracelets for those, so i'll say ....... starlight :')))))))

what was your dream job as a little kid :-)

#emails i replied to #secret santa

[sylviareviar]

✖ ✖ ✖ ✖ ✖

t-thank you... so much... i love talking with you about teddie and sylvia either being disasters or causing chaos together through sheer joy and positivity and it always makes me so happy thinking about them together.

To be honest, Sylvia's been in the works since I was like twelve. I had a lot of prototypes before then, but only settled on a design for Sylvia in middle school, and ever since then I was building her up as a character trying to flesh her out. She might be a self-insert, but she's also a deep analysis of myself as a person, how I react in certain situations, an exploration of my strengths and weaknesses (and traumas), and at the same time, a way to live vicariously in my favorite shows, series, books, anime, etc. all in one. Sometimes I give her extra powers, sometimes I indulge and make her over-powered, and I always worry if maybe I did a bit too much.

I guess up until coming onto Tumblr, the only people I could ever talk to about her were my siblings, and they quickly got sick of me constantly gushing about her, so I stopped and just assumed anything involving her was garbage, but I was too deep in and couldn't stop. I'm playing her in a DnD campaign right now, though, and my younger sibling said that she actually feels a lot fresher than she used to before, because she actually has flaws now. At the same time I think they're getting sick of her again ^^;

I was always hesitant to play Sylvia online, and honestly now that I got the courage to do so, people actually do like her. It's like a dream come true for me. I'm genuinely surprised people enjoy her character even though so far she feels like a useless damsel in distress...

I still feel anxious now. Sometimes, whenever she makes a mistake, it feels like I made that mistake too, or when she pushes a character away, I'm worried I might've hurt the mun's feelings. For both me and Sylvia, stumbling around blind is just the nature of being autistic, and being hyperempathetic makes us question everything we do, because what if it hurts the other person's feelings? Making mistakes and saying the wrong things because we don't always have the words to describe how we're feeling makes living ten times harder, so I really am sorry anytime we make a mistake or something. If you just explain to us how that makes you feel, we'll do our best to change our behavior accordingly.

If I make a bad or offensive joke, or if I get too comfortable saying the wrong things, I'd like that to be pointed out too. Even if my feelings get hurt, it's better to let me know so I don't hurt other people than to spare my feelings. I'd rather feel mortified at what I said than not know when I hurt someone.

#🌸 ~ out of character ~ 🌸 #🌸 ~ inbox memes ~ 🌸 #tw: vent #sorry i didn't realize i had this much to say #genuinely blown away by everyone's kindness #you all mean the world to me

[ranger-kellyn]

tmi, sex mention, miscarriage and venting stuff below the read more

i'm fine i'm just Mad

the official Worst part about being into juliana/nemona at this point is how much i see people complaining that "they're teenagers!! you shouldn't write anything gross about them!!" and i'm just like.....

i have this fic in mind. it's been rolling around my brain nonstop since i started up my second playthrough in scarlet and it's a first kiss and first time messing around type story. i even said to myself when i very first thought of the fic, "my first kiss and my first time messing around both absolutely SUCKED and so it would be nice to write this for my younger self. living vicariously through them a scenario where my first kiss and first time messing around didn't fucking blow and leave me feeling disgusting."

bc yeah!! my first kiss fucking sucked!!! it rarely ever comes up, but when it does, i always lie and say my first kiss was my first boyfriend, john when i was 16. my kiss with john was straight out of a fucking fairy tale! outside our hotel under the starlit sky of crans montana switzerland as we watched a rainstorm roll in at an angle in the valley below us! wonderful! couldn't ask for better. people eat that shit up.

my actual first kiss was at 15 with this gross boy who from the day i met him i hated him. he came out of nowhere and was dating my best friend for like all of a week, but he set off this alarm in the back of my mind-- but i was so desperate for my first kiss bc i was the only one of my friends who hadn't at that point, and i was desperate to know what it was like and how "MaGiCaL" it would be. so even when the boy i had this intrinsic "stay away from me" started paying attention to me, i shoved all that aside just so i could finally kiss someone. he made me fucking touch his dick before kissing me and he hardly did anything for me and the kiss sucked and it all was just horrible, and to this day i just feel horrible for my younger self for walking us into that when we knew-- i knew you were trouble was my favorite taylor song when red first came out for a reason

my first time having sex was at 17 with a different guy, and that fucking sucked because i wasn't confident enough to say "what you're doing isn't working for me" or try to tell him how to actually get me off so i put up with sex that was so disappointing it got me over him (lmaO) BUT. and while, sure, i technically never took a pregnancy test bc i was petrified to buy one, i missed my period for a little over two months and then had the worst period of my fucking life-- i feel safe to say i miscarried. which, don't get me wrong, i am more than thankful it happened because being a parent that young would have absolutely ruined my life, and being tied to him in that way is the last thing i would ever want. i just still hate that my younger self went through all of that.

so i just want to live a little vicariously through some fictional characters a scenario where your first kiss and first time messing around(/sex in general bc i know it's a little dubious when you both have vaginas as to what is and isn't sex lmao) doesn't fucking blow because it's with someone you genuinely already love because they were your best friend first, and so you're not scared to talk and work with them, and I just.......

i genuinely don't think i'll be able to post such a fic. and because i don't think i can post it, i haven't even allowed myself to actually write anything because in the back of my mind i'm terrified that writing this fic will get me doxxed by some puritanical wack job who refuses to separate fiction from reality.

i don't want to have to preface my fic with this whole stupid ass justification just because the internet at large is letting purity culture worms eat their fucking brains.

i DO have a second AO3 account with no socials linked i could post it to, but that still makes me anxious. i'm not trying to have some freak try to doxx me and harm me in some way just because i wanted to write something for my younger self.

#anyways a huge big Fuck You to purity culture #vent tag #maybe delete later