#this is the first time ive opened photoshop in months | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

just-breathe-fight-cf · 5 years

Text

FIVE FEET APART

Rachael Lippincott with Mikki Daughtry and Tobias Iaconis

Summary: Seventeen-year-olds Stella and Will, both suffering from cystic fibrosis, realize the only way to stay alive is to stay apart, but their love for each other is slowly pushing the boundaries of physical and emotional safety.

For Alyson

--R. L.

We dedicate this book, and the movie, to all the patients, families, medical staff, and loved ones who bravely fight the battle against cystic fibrosis every day. We hope the story of Stella and Will helps to bring awareness to this disease and, one day, a cure.

--M. D. and T. I.

________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER 1 - STELLA

I trace the outline of my sister’s drawing, lungs molded from a sea of flowers. Petals burst out from every edge of the twin ovals in soft pinks, deep whites, even heather blues, but somehow each one has a uniqueness, a vibrancy that feels like it’ll bloom forever. Some of the flowers haven’t blossomed yet, and I can feel the promise of life just waiting to unfold from the tiny buds under the weight of my finger. Those are my favorites.

I wonder, all too often, what it would be like to have lungs this healthy. This alive. I take a deep breath, feeling the air fight its way in and out of my body.

Slipping off the last petal of the last flower, my hand sinks, fingers dragging through the background of stars, each pinpoint of light that Abby drew a separate attempt to capture infinity. I clear my throat, pulling my hand away, and lean over to grab a picture of us from off my bed. Identical smiles peek out from underneath thick wool scarves, the holiday lights at the park down the street twinkling above our heads just like the stars in her drawing.

There was something magical about it. The soft glow of the lampposts in the park, the white snow clinging to the branches of the trees, the quiet stillness of it all. We nearly froze our butts off for that picture last year, but it was our tradition. Me and Abby, braving the cold to go see the holiday lights together.

This photo always makes me remember that feeling. The feeling of going on an adventure with my sister, just the two of, us, the world expanding like an open book.

I take a thumbtack and hang the picture next to the drawing before sitting down on my bed and grabbing my pocket notebook and pencil off my bedside table. My eyes travel down the long to-do list I made for myself this morning, starting with “#1: Plan to-do list,” which I’ve already put a satisfying line through, and going all the way down to “#22: Contemplate the afterlife.”

Number 22 was probably just a little ambitious for a Friday afternoon, but at least for now I can cross off number 17, “Decorate walls.” I look around the formerly stark room I’ve spent the better part of the morning making my own, once again, the wall now filled with the artwork Abby’s given me through the years, bits of color and life jumping out from clinical white walls, each once a product of a different trip to the hospital.

Me with an IV drip in my arm, the bag bursting with butterflies of different shapes and colors and sizes. Me wearing a nose cannula, the cable twisting to form an infinity sign. Me with my nebulizer, the vapor pouring out of it forming a cloudy halo. Then there’s the most delicate one, a faded tornado of stars that she drew my very first time here.

It’s not as polished as her later stuff, but somehow that make me like it more.

And right underneath all that vibrancy is…my pile of medical equipment, sitting right next to a hideous green faux-leather hospital chair that comes standard for every room here at Saint Grace’s. I eye the empty IV pole warily, knowing my first of many rounds of antibiotics over the next month is exactly and hour and nine minutes away. Lucky me.

“Here it is!” a voice calls from just outside my room. I look up as the door slowly creaks open and two familiar faces appear in the small crack of the doorway. Camila and Mya have visited me here a million times in the past decade, and they still can’t get from the lobby to my room without asking every person in the building for directions.

“Wrong room,” I say, grinning as a look of pure relief washes over them.

Mya laughs, pushing the door open the rest of the way. “It honestly could’ve been. This place is still a freaking maze.”

“Are you guys excited?” I say, hopping up to give them both hugs.

Camila pulls away to look at me, pouting, her dark-brown hair practically drooping along with her. “Second trip in a row without you.”

It’s true. This isn’t the first time my cystic fibrosis has taken me out of the running for some class trip or sunny vacation or school event. About 70 percent of the time, things are pretty normal for me. I go to school, I hang out with Camila and Mya, I work on my app. I just do it all with low-functioning lungs. But for the remaining 30 percent of my time, CF controls my life. Meaning when I need to return to the hospital for a tune-up, I miss out on things like a class trip to the art museum or now our senior trip to Cabo.

This particular tune-up just happens to be centered around the fact that I need to be pumped with antibiotics to finally get rid of a sore throat and a fever that won’t go away.

That, and my lung function is tanking.

Mya plunks down on my bed, sighing dramatically as she lies back. “It’s only two weeks. Are you sure you can’t come? It’s our senior trip, Stella!”

“I’m sure,” I say firmly, and they know I mean it. We’ve been friends since middle school, and they know by now that when it comes to plans, my CF gets the final say.

It’s not like I don’t want to go. It’s just, quite literally, a matter of life or death. I can’t go off to Cabo, or anywhere for that matter, and risk not coming back. I can’t do that to my parents. Not now.

“You were the head of the planning committee this year, though! Can’t you get them to move your treatments? We don’t want you to be stuck here,” Camila says, gesturing to the hospital room I so carefully decorated.

I shake my head. “We still have spring break together! And I haven’t missed a spring break ‘Besties Weekend’ since eighth grade, when I got that cold!” I say, smiling hopefully and looking back and forth between Camila and Mya. Neither of them returns my smile, though, and both opt to continue looking like I killed their family pets.

I notice they’re both holding the bags of bathing suits I told them to bring, so I grab Camila’s out of her hand in a desperate attempt to change the subject. “Ooh, suit options! We have to pick out the best ones!” Since I’m not going to be basking in the warm Cabo sun in a bathing suit of my choice, I figure I can at least live a little vicariously through my friends by picking out theirs with them.

This perks them both up. We eagerly dump their bags out on my bed, creating a mishmash of florals and polka dots and fluorescents.

I scan Camila’s pile of bathing suits, grabbing a red one that falls somewhere between a bikini bottom and a single piece of thread, which I know without a doubt is a hand-me-down from her older sister, Megan.

I toss it to her. “This one. It’s very you.”

Her eyes widen, and she holds it up to her waist, fixing her wire-frame glasses in surprise. “I mean, the tan lines would be pretty great--“

“Camila,” I say, grabbing a white-and-blue-striped bikini that I can tell will fit her like a glove. “I’m kidding. This one’s perfect.”

She looks relieved, grabbing the bikini from me. I turn my attention to Mya’s pile, but she’s busy texting away from the green hospital chair in the corner, a big smile plastered on her face.

I dig out a one-piece that she’s had since swim class in sixth grade, holding it up to her with a smirk. “How’s this, Mya?”

“Love it! Looks great!” she says, typing furiously.

Camila snorts, putting her suits back in the bag and giving me a sly smile. “Mason and Brooke called it quits,” she says in explanation.

“Oh my god. They did not!” I say. This is news. Amazing news.

Well, not for Brooke. But Mya has been crushing on Mason since Mrs. Wilson’s English class sophomore year, so this trip is her chance to finally make a move.

It bums me out I won’t be there to help her make a killer ten-step “Whirlwind Cabo Romance with Mason” plan.

Mya puts her phone away and shrugs casually, standing and pretending to look at some of the artwork on the walls. “No big deal. We’re going to meet him and Taylor at the airport tomorrow morning.”

I give her a look and she breaks out into a huge smile. “Okay, it’s a little bit of a big deal!”

We all squeal with excitement, and I hold up an adorable polka-dot one-piece that is super vintage, and right up her alley. She nods, grabbing it and holding it up to her body. “I was totally hoping you’d pick this one.”

I look over to see Camila glancing at her watch nervously, which is no surprise. She’s a champion procrastinator and probably hasn’t packed a single thing for Cabo yet.

Besides the bikini, of course.

She sees me notice her checking her watch and grins sheepishly. “I still need to buy a beach towel for tomorrow.”

Classic Camila.

I stand up, my heart sinking in my chest at the thought of them leaving, but I don’t want to hold them up. “You guys have to get going, then! Your plane is at, like, the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.”

Mya looks around the room sadly while Camila twists her bag of suits dejectedly around her hand. The two of them are making this even harder that I thought it would be. I swallow the guilt and annoyance that come bubbling up. It’s not like they’re the ones missing their senior trip to Cabo. At least they’ll be together.

I give them both big smiles, practically pulling them to the door with me. My cheeks hurt from all this fake positivity, but I don’t want to ruin it for them.

“We’ll send you a bunch of pictures, okay?” Camila says, giving me a hug.

“You’d better! Photoshop me into a few,” I say to Mya, who is a wizard at Adobe. “You won’t even know I wasn’t there!”

They linger in the doorway, and I give them an exaggerated eye roll, playfully shoving them out into the hallway. “Get outta here. Go have a great trip.”

“Love you, Stella!” they call as they walk down the hallway. I watch them go, waving until Mya’s bouncing curls are completely out of sight, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be walking out with them, off to pack instead of unpack.

My smile fades as I close the door and see the old family pictures pinned carefully to the back of my door.

It was taken a few summers ago on the front porch of our house during a Fourth of July barbecue. Me, Abby, Mom, and Dad, goofy smiles on all our faces as the camera captures the moment. I feel a swell of homesickness as I hear the sound of the worn, rickety wood of that front step, creaking underneath us as we laugh and get close for the picture. I miss that feeling. All of us together, happy and healthy. For the most part.

This isn’t helping. Singing, I pull myself away, looking over at the medicine cart.

In all honesty, I like it here. It’s been my home away from home since I was six, so I usually don’t mind coming. I get my treatments, I take my medicine, I drink my body weight in milk shakes, I get to see Barb and Julie, I leave until my next flare-up. Simple as that. But this time I feel anxious, restless even. Because instead of just wanting to get healthy, I need to get healthy. For my parent’s sake.

Because they’ve gone and messed up everything by getting divorced. And after losing each other, they won’t be able to handle losing me, too. I know it.

If I can get better, maybe…

One step at a time. I head over to the wall oxygen, double-checking the flowmeter is set properly, and listen for the steady hiss of the oxygen coming out of it before I pull the tube around my ears and slide the prongs of the cannula into my nose. Sighing, I sink down onto the familiarly uncomfortable hospital mattress, and take a deep breath.

I reach for my pocket notebook to read the next thing on my to-do list and keep myself preoccupied-- “#18: Record a video.”

I grab my pencil and bite it thoughtfully as I stare at the words I wrote earlier. Oddly enough, contemplating the afterlife seems easier right now.

But the list is the list, so, exhaling, I reach over to my bedside table to get my laptop, sitting cross-legged on the new floral comforter I picked out yesterday at Target while Camila and Mya were buying clothes for Cabo. I didn’t even need the comforter, but they were so enthusiastic in helping my pick something out for my trip to the hospital, I felt bad not getting it. At least it sort of matches my walls now, bright and vibrant and colorful.

I drum my fingers anxiously on the keyboard, and squint at my reflection in the screen while my computer starts up. I frown at the mess of long brown hair and try to smooth it down, running my fingers through it over and over. Frustrated, I pull my hair tie off my wrist and resort to a messy bun in an attempt to look halfway decent for this video. I grab my copy of Java Coding for Android Phones off my bedside table and put my laptop on top of it, so I don’t show some serious under chin, and can have a shot that’s remotely flattering.

Logging on to my YouTube Live account, I adjust the webcam, making sure you can see Abby’s lung drawing directly behind me.

It’s the perfect backdrop.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, hearing the familiar wheeze of my lungs trying desperately to fill with air through the sea of mucus. Exhaling slowly, I slap a big Hallmark-greeting-card smile on my face before opening my eyes and pressing the enter key to go live.

“Hey guys. Is everyone having a good Black Friday? I waited for snow that never came!”

I glance into the corner of my screen as I turn the camera toward the hospital window, the sky a cloudy gray, the trees on the other side of the glass completely barren. I smile as my livestream count goes steadily past 1K, a fraction of the 23,940 YouTube subscribers who tune in to see how my battle with cystic fibrosis is going.

“So, I could be getting ready to go on a plane to Cabo for my school’s senior trip, but instead I’ll be spending this holiday at my home away from home, thanks to a mild sore throat.”

Plus, a raging fever. I think back to when I got my temperature taken on intake this morning, the flashing numbers on the thermometer blaring out a strong 102. I don’t want to mention it in the video, though, because my parents will definitely be watching this later.

As far as they know, I just have a nagging cold.

“Who needs two whole weeks of sunshine and blue skies and beaches when you can have a month of luxury right in your own backyard?”

I rattle off the amenities, counting them on my fingers. “Let’s see. I’ve got a full-time concierge, unlimited chocolate pudding, and laundry services. Oh, and Barb talked Dr. Hamid into letting me keep all my meds and treatments in my room this time! Check it out!”

I turn the webcam to the pile of medical equipment and then to the medicine cart next to me, which I’ve already perfectly organized into alphabetical and chronological order by the scheduled dosage time I plugged into the app I made. It’s finally ready for a test run!

That was number 14 on today’s to-do list, and I’m pretty proud of how it turned out.

My computer dings as comments begin rolling in. I see one mentioning Barb’s name with some heart emoji’s. She’s a crowd favorite just as much as she’s my favorite. Ever since I first came to the hospital more than ten years ago, she’s been the respiratory therapist here, slipping candy to me and the other CFers, like my partner in crime Poe. She holds our hand through even the most bone-crushing grips of pain like it’s nothing.

I’ve been making YouTube videos for about half that time to raise awareness about cystic fibrosis. Through the years more people that I could have ever imagined began following my surgeries and my treatments and my visits to Saint Grace’s, sticking with me through my awkward braces phase and everything.

“My lung function is down to thirty-five percent,” I say as I turn the camera back to me. “Dr. Hamid says I’m steadily climbing to the top of the transplant list now, so I’ll be here for a month, taking antibiotics, sticking to my regimen…” My eyes travel to the drawing behind me, the healthy lungs looming over my head, just out of reach.

I shake my head and smile, leaning over to grab a bottle from the medicine cart. “That means taking my medications on time, wearing my AffloVest to break up that mucus, and” -- I hold up the bottle -- “a whole lot of this liquid nutrition through my G-tube every night. If any ladies out there are wishing they could eat five thousand calories a day and still have a Cabo-ready beach body, I’m up for a trade.”

My computer dings away, messages pouring in one after another. Reading a few, I let the positivity push away all the negativity I felt going into this.

Hang in there, Stella! We love you.

Marry me!

“New lungs can come in at any moment, so I’ve got to be ready!” I say the words like I believe them wholeheartedly. Though after all these years I’ve learned to not get my hopes up too much.

DING! Another message.

I’ve got CF and you remind me to always stay positive. XOXO.

My heart warms, and I have a final big smile for the camera, for that person fighting the same fight that I am. This time it’s genuine. “All right, guys, thanks for watching! Gotta double-check my afternoon and evening meds now. You know how anal I am. I hope everyone has a great week. Bye!”

I end the live video and exhale slowly, closing the browser to see the smiling, winter-formal-ready faces on my desktop background. Me, Camila, and Mya, arm in arm, all in the same deep-red lipstick we’d picked out together at Sephora. Camila had wanted a bright pink, but Mya had convinced us that red was the color we NEEDED in our life. I’m still not convinced that was true.

Lying back, I pick up the worn panda resting on my pillows and wrap my arms tightly around him. Patches, my sister, Abby, named him. And what a fitting name that became. The years of coming in and out of the hospital with me have certainly taken their toll on him. Multicolored patches are sewn over spots where he ripped open, his stuffing pouring out when I squeezed too hard during the most painful of my treatments.

There’s a knock on my door, and it flies open not even a second later as Barb busts in holding an armful of pudding cups for me to make my medication with. “I’m back! Delivery!”

When it comes to Barb, not much has changed in the past six months, or the past ten years for that matter; she’s still the best. The same short, curly hair. The same colorful scrubs. The same smile that lights up the entire room.

But then an extremely pregnant Julie trails behind her, carrying an IV drip.

Now that’s a big change from six months ago.

I swallow my surprise and grin at Barb as she places the pudding at the edge of my bed for me to sort onto my medicine cart, then pulls out a list to double-check that the cart has everything I need on it.

“What would I do without you?” I ask.

She winks. “You’d die.”

Julie hangs the IV bag of antibiotics next to me, her belly brushing up against my arm. Why didn’t she tell me she’s pregnant? I go rigid, smiling thinly, as I eye her baby bump and try to subtly move away from it. “A lot’s changed in the past six months!”

She rubs her belly, blue eyes shining brightly as she gives me a big smile. “You want to feel her kick?”

“No,” I say, a little too quickly. I feel bad when she looks slightly taken aback at my bluntness, her blonde eyebrows arching up in surprise. But I don’t want any of my bad juju near that perfect, healthy baby.

Luckily, her eyes travel to my desktop background. “Are those your winter formal pics? I saw a bunch on Insta!” she says, excited. “How was it?”

“Super fun!” I say with a ton of enthusiasm as the awkwardness melts away. I open a folder on my desktop filled with pictures. “Crushed it on the dance floor for a solid three songs. Got to ride in a limo. The food didn’t suck. Plus, I made it to ten thirty before I got tired, which was way better than expected! Who needs a curfew when your body does it for you, right?”

I show her and Barb some pictures we all took at Mya’s house before the dance while she hooks me up to the IV drip and tests my blood pressure and O2 reading. I remember I used to be afraid of needles, but with every blood draw and IV drip, that fear slowly drifted away. Now I don’t even flinch. It makes me feel strong every time I get poked or prodded. Like I can overcome anything.

“All righty,” Barb says when they get all my vitals and finish oohing and aahing over my sparkly, silver A-line gown and my white rose corsage. Camila, Mya, and I decided to swap corsages when we went stag to the formal. I didn’t want to take a date, not that anybody asked me anyway. It was super possible that I would need to bail the day of, or wouldn’t feel well halfway through the dance, which wouldn’t have been fair to whomever I could’ve gone with. The two of them didn’t want me to feel left out, so instead of getting dates of their own, they decided we’d all go together. Because of the Mason developments, though, that doesn’t seem super likely for prom.

Barb nods to the filled medicine cart, resting a hand on her hip. “I’ll still monitor you, but you’re pretty much good to go.” She holds up a pill bottle. “Remember, you have to take this one with food,” she says, putting it carefully back and holding up another one. “And make sure you don’t--“

“I got it Barb,” I say. She’s just being her usual motherly self, but she holds up her hands in surrender. Deep down she knows that I’ll be absolutely fine.

I wave good-bye as they both head towards the door, using the remote next to my bed to sit it up a little more.

“By the way,” Barb says slowly as Julie ducks out of the room. Her eyes narrow at me and she gives me a gentle warning look. “I want you to finish your IV drip first, but Poe’s just checking in to room 310.”

“What? Really?” I say, my eyes widening as I move to launch myself out of bed to find him. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me he’d be here!

Barb steps forward, grabbing my shoulders and pushing me gently back down onto the bed before I can fully stand. “What part of ‘I want you to finish your IV drip first’ did you not get?”

I smile sheepishly at her, but how could she blame me? Poe was the first friend I made when I came to the hospital. He’s the only one who really gets it. We’ve fought CF together for a freaking decade. We’ll, together from a safe distance, anyway.

We can’t get too close to each other. For cystic fibrosis patients, cross-infection from certain bacteria strains is a huge risk. One touch between two CFers can literally kill both of them.

Her serious frown gives way to a gentle smile. “Settle in. Relax. Take a chill pill.” She eyes the medicine cart, jokingly. “Not literally.”

I nod, a real laugh spilling out, as a fresh wave of relief fills me at the news of Poe being here too.

“I’ll stop by later to help you with your AffloVest,” Barb says over her shoulder as she leaves. Grabbing my phone, I settle for a quick text message instead of a mad dash down the hall to room 310.

You’re here? Me too. Tune-up.

Not even a second goes by and my screen lights up with his replay: Bronchitis. Just happened. I’ll live. Come by and wave at me later. Gonna crash now.

I lean back on the bed, exhaling long and slow.

Truth is, I’m nervous about this visit.

My lung function fell to 35 percent so quickly: And now, even more than the fever and the sore throat, being here in the hospital for the next month doing treatment after treatment to stem the tide while my friends are far away is freaking me out. A lot. Thirty-five percent is a number that keeps my mom up at night. She doesn’t say it, but her computer does. Search after search about lung transplants and lung-function percentages, new combinations and phrasing but always the same idea. How to get more time. It makes me more afraid than I’ve even been before. But not for me. When you have CF, you sort of get used to the idea of dying young. No, I’m terrified for my parents. And what will become of them if the worst does happen, now that they don’t have each other.

But with Poe here, someone who understands, I can get through it. Once I’m actually allowed to see him.

The rest of the afternoon goes by slowly.

I work on my app, double-checking that I worked out the programming error that kept coming up when I tried to run it on my phone. I put some Fucidin on the sore skin around my G-tube in an attempt to make it less fire-engine red and more of a summer-sunset pink. I check and double-check my “At Bedtime” pile of bottles and pills. I reply to my parents’ every-hour-on-the-hour texts. I gaze out the window as the afternoon fades and see a couple about my age, laughing and kissing as they walk into the hospital. It’s not every day you see a happy couple coming into a hospital. Watching them holding hands and exchanging longing glances, I wonder what it would be like to have somebody look at me like that. People are always looking at my cannula, my scars, my G-tube, not at me.

It doesn’t make guys want to line up by my locker.

I “dated” Tyler Paul my freshman year of high school, but that lasted all of a month, until I came down with an infection and needed to go to the hospital for a few weeks. Even just a few days in, his texts started to get further and further apart, and I decided to break up with him. Besides, it was nothing like that couple out in the courtyard. Tyler’s palms were sweaty when we held hands, and he wore so much Axe body spray, I would go into coughing fits every time we hugged.

This thought process is not exactly a helpful distraction, so I even give number 22, “Contemplate the afterlife,” on my to-do list a try, and read some of Life, Death, and Immortality: The Journey of the Soul.

But pretty soon, I opt to just lie on my bed, looking up at the ceiling and listening to the wheezing sound of my breathing. I can hear the air struggling to get past the mucus that takes up space in my lungs. Rolling over, I crack open a vial of Flovent to give my lungs a helping hand. I pour the liquid into a nebulizer by my bed, the small machine humming to life as vapors pour from the mouthpiece.

I sit, staring at the drawing of the lungs while I breathe in and out.

And in and out.

And in and…out.

I hope when my parents come to visit over the next few days, my breathing is a little less labored. I told them both that the other one was taking me to the hospital this morning, but I actually just took an Uber here from the corner a street over from my mom’s new place. I don’t want either of them to have to face seeing me here again, at least until I’m looking better.

My mom was already giving me troubled looks when I needed to put my portable oxygen on just to pack.

There’s a knock on my door, and I look over from the wall I’m staring at, hoping it’s Poe stopping by to wave at me. I pull the mouthpiece off as Barb pops her head in. She drops a surgical face mask and latex gloves onto a table next to my door.

“New one upstairs. Meet me in fifteen?”

My heart leaps.

I nod, and she gives me a big smile before ducking out of the room. I grab the mouthpiece and take one more quick hit of the Flovent, letting the vapor fill my lungs the best I can before I’m up and moving. Shutting the nebulizer off, I pick up my portable oxygen concentrator from where it’s been charging next to my bed, press the circular button in the center to turn it on, and pull the strap over my shoulder. After I put the cannula in, I head over to the door, pulling on the blue latex gloves and wrapping the strings of the face mask around my ears.

Sliding into my Converse, I push my door open then squeeze out into the whitewashed corridor, deciding to go the long way so I can walk past Poe’s room.

I pass the nurses’ station in the center of the floor, waving hello to a young nurse’s assistance named Sarah, who is smiling over the top of the new, sleek metal cubicle.

They replaced that before my last visit six months ago. It’s the same height, but it used to be made of this worn wood that had probably been around since the hospital was founded sixty-some years ago. I remember when I was small enough to sneak past to whatever room Poe was in, my head still a good few inches from clearing the desk.

Now it comes up to my elbow.

Heading down the hallway, I grin as I see a small Colombian flag taped on the outside of a half-open door, an overturned skateboard keeping it propped slightly open.

I peer inside to see Poe fast asleep on his bed, curled into a surprisingly tiny ball underneath his plaid comforter, a suave Gordon Ramsay poster, positioned directly over his bed, keeping watch over him.

I draw a heart on the dry-erase board he’s stuck to the outside of his door to let him know I’ve been there, before moving off down the hallway toward the wooden double doors that will take me to the main part of the hospital, up and elevator, down C Wing, across the bridge into Building 2, and straight to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

One of the perks of coming here or more than a decade is that I know the hospital just as well as I knew the house I grew up in. every winding corridor, or hidden staircase, or secret shortcut, exploring over and over again.

But before I can open the double doors, a room door swings open next to me, and I turn my head in surprise to see the profile of a tall, thin boy I’ve never seen before. He’s standing in the doorway of room 315, holding a sketchbook in one hand and a charcoal pencil in the other, a white hospital bracelet like mine wrapped around his wrist.

I stop dead.

His tousled, dark-chocolate-brown hair is perfectly unruly, like he just popped out of a Teen Vogue and landed smack in the middle of Saint Grace’s Hospital. His eyes are a deep blue, the corners crinkling as he talks.

But it’s his smile that catches my eye more than anything else. It’s lopsided, and charming, and it has a magnetic warmth to it.

He’s so cute, my lung function feels like it dropped another 10 percent.

It’s a good thing this mask is covering half my face, because I did not plan for cute guys on my floor this hospital stay.

“I’ve clocked their schedules,” he says as he puts the pencil casually behind his ear. I shift slightly to the left and see that he’s grinning at the couple I saw coming into the hospital earlier. “So, unless you plant your ass on the call button, no one’s going to bother you for at least an hour. And don’t forget. I gotta sleep in that bed, dude.”

“Way ahead of you.” I watch as the girl unzips the duffel bag she’s holding to show him blankets.

Wait. What?

Cute guy whistles. “Look at that. A regular Girl Scout.”

“We’re no animals, man,” her boyfriend say to him, giving him a big, dude-to-dude smile.

Oh my god. Gross. He’s letting his friends do it in his room, like it’s a motel.

I grimace and resume walking down the hallway to the exit doors, putting as much space as possible between me and whatever scheme is going on in there.

So much for cute.

#cysticfibrosis #Cystic Fibrosis Awareness #cystic fibrosis #advocacy #Cystic #Fibrosis #book #five feet apart #five #feet #apart #Rachael

3 notes · View notes

scarletrebel · 6 years

Photo

scarletrebel’s open commissions and Ko-Fi Gold!

Hello there! My name is Jade and I write fanfiction!

And as I’m moving out of my family home soon, I’m going to be taking commissions and opening a Ko-Fi Gold!

Ko-Fi Gold is a little bit like Patreon and Ko-Fi combined. You can continue to support creators by gifting them one time coffees, and/or you can support them with a monthly coffees, and get some cool extra’s from the creator!

I’m going to give this a go because Patreon just doesn't suit my schedule, as in order to make it worth it to anyone who would support me I’d feel the need to be constantly writing 1000+ word fics a month, and I’m not in the position to be able to do that. With Ko-Fi Gold I can take one off commissions, and if you decide to support me monthly, I can offer a special bundle of commissions just for you as a one off to say thank you as well as access to some other cool stuff!

What do I write about?

Anything I’m interested in currently! You can always check here in case it changes, but at the moment I’m willing to write:

Destiny

Overwatch

Markiplier egos

Jacksepticeye egos

Darkest Dungeon

Borderlands

And most importantly, your OC’s from any of these fandoms!

Here’s my AO3 if you want to see some of my writing!

If you’ve seen me blogging about stuff that isn't listed here and you’re wondering if I’m confident writing it, just message me and we can talk it over!

I won’t write anything explicitly nsfw (so no smut or pwp, sorry!) but I’m not uncomfortable with suggested sex scenes and the like. Again, any questions, just message me!

So, what am I offering?

Lets go into a bit more detail! This is all under a read more so that it doesn't clog up peoples dashes, and if you want to know what those monthly extras are, please keep reading!

Writing Commissions:

One coffee: aprox 500-700 word fic

Two coffees: aprox 700-1000 word fic

Three coffees: aprox 1000-1400 word fic

Four coffees: aprox 1400 - 1700 word fic

Five coffees: aprox 1700 - 2000 word fic

Any more than that and we’ll talk it over!

Just send me a message on Ko-Fi with where’s best to get in contact with you and you can tell me all about what you’d like me to write!

Beta Services:

I can also beta your fic for you! Here’s an example of when I beta’d a fic for @nattiebug14

When I beta peoples writing, my only goal is to make sure it reads well. I’m not going to take over any characterisation, change any plot, or backseat write your fic. As you can see in the example I like highlighting things that are really good as well as giving suggestions as to what might work better. But at the end of the day they’re just that: suggestions.

Still, if you want a second set of eyes, I’d be more than happy to help! And I’m happy to look at a fic from any fandom, of any rating.

If your fic is:

Less than 1000 words: one coffee

1000 - 2000 words: two coffees

2000 - 3000 words: three coffees

3000 - 4000 words: four coffees

4000 - 5000 words: five coffees

Any more than 5000 (like if you want me to look over an ongoing fic for example) just message me and we’ll talk it over!

(If these prices seem lower than the commissions, that’s because i can read much faster than i can write aha)

Fic Headers:

If you’re like me and cross post your fic on AO3 and Tumblr, or just want a nice fic banner for an ongoing series but don’t know your way around/don’t have Photoshop, I can help you out!

Here’s an example of some fic banners i’ve done for myself and friends:

Obviously ive got a certain style going on, but I’m more than open to doing something more specific to whatever you have in mind!

If you’re wanting something like the first two, I would obviously need any pictures of your own characters, so please bear that in mind!

One background picture + text: one coffee

One background picture + characters: two coffees

If you want something a bit more adventurous, please message me first!

What do you get if you support me monthly?

My undying love and gratitude, for starters!

On Ko-Fi, similarly to Patreon, you can decide how much you would like to send my way monthly! So, here are some cool things I can offer for whatever you’d like to send me:

One coffee a month: access to wips posted on Ko-Fi

Two coffees a month: previous tier + access to a constantly updated document that I’ll post to my Ko-Fi page with some info about personal projects that I’m working on. You get to see all the ideas I have, all the fics I have tucked away that I work on every now and then as well as what I’m working on currently. You get to see the word counts go up as I work on them, when I’m finished with the first draft and how the second draft is going before uploading

Three coffees a month: previous tiers and three fic banners (with or without characters) over the duration of time you’re supporting me

Four coffees a month: previous tiers and one beta read of a fic up to 5000 words

Five coffees a month: previous tiers and a one-off fic commission over 2000 words

Six coffees a month: all previous tiers + another one off fic commission between 500 - 700 words

Seven coffees a month: all previous tiers + another one off fic commission between 700 - 1000 words

Something to bear in mind:

The reason why I've included so much writing in the monthly rewards is because it would take me a few months to finish so much for you, so it works out that if you choose to support me monthly I can continuously work on your commissions and you can get extra cool stuff as I work on them!

If you have to cancel the monthly coffees before I finish your commissions as part of the monthly rewards, that’s absolutely fine! But I’d probably have to cut the writing itself short. I wont give you something that’s unfinished, but if you want a 2000 word fic it’s going to be better to commission me as a one off so that I can dedicate time to it rather than commit to monthly support and potentially get less.

So what I’m trying to say because I find it difficult to be strict is: don’t do a one off monthly support of seven coffees if you want several different fics/a longer fic writing, because I’m only going to be working on them for as long as you support me monthly. Its the only way I can think of to not shoot myself in the foot and still make some money giving people the highest quality writing I can in order to say thank you for helping me out.

If you would like me to write multiple fics for you, I’d be happy to! Just please, if you can’t support me monthly, which is absolutely fine, use the one time coffee version and message me if you’re confused and I can give you prices that way if you’d like!

Let me just say as well, if you choose to support me monthly, I physically cannot thank you enough. Even with my job, the rent of the place I’m moving into doesn’t leave me with a lot of money for myself so having that extra income is going to be so helpful and something that I’d be so grateful for. I work 32 hours a week, therefore I want these monthly rewards to be something really special and really worth it so that no matter how much time I’ve spent on them, hopefully supporting me monthly feels worth it once you receive them. Then you can stop the monthly support if you wish, that’s fine by me.

And that’s everything!

If you have any questions at all please, please feel more than free to message me here with them!

Buy Me a Coffee!

#commissions #writing commissions #fanfiction #fanfic #writer #destiny the game #destiny #overwatch #markiplier #jacksepticeye #darkest dungeon #borderlands

16 notes · View notes

ot5 · 3 years

Note

hi ❣️🥰 ndjdndn it’s the suspense of it all!! my friend actually already messed up and forgot to send it on anon soo fingers crossed that’s not gonna happen to me but it’s a real fear ngl 😬

omg rip for when you have to return that next order 😭💀 what is it you ordered there? and yeah I meant no tree at all, last year we had like a small replacement but it was this soft fuzzy material? my cat doesn’t let us have nice things unfortunately 🥴 do you have any pets? I haven’t done any decorating yet but i think i’m gonna one of these evenings, lmk if you put up the decorations in your room!! just had a bunch of christmas candy so far tbh ndjsjsn and no we don’t regularly get snow which is ironic bc I live in sweden but like all the way south so we mostly just get rain 😐 but when I first moved here two years ago it actually snowed for only one day and that was the day before my first christmas so that was kinda magical!! here’s to hoping for a repeat this year ✨ do you still get snow?

and omg I didn’t like properly follow lm like I wasn’t a fan in that sense but yeah war flashbacks :/ I just hope she’s doing alright and that the others are ok too tbh 🤭 are you a lm fan? 🥰

also I downloaded the trial version of photoshop today and now I feel stupid af ndnsjsjs I don’t get anything and like I have no attention span so I can’t just sit and watch tutorials 💀 fun times! - 🎅

omg i feel that!! the PANIC i experience every single time immediately after i hit send, thinking i forgot to turn on anon</3.rip to your friend😭😭 i ordered perfumes bc ive been on a bit of a perfume streak and finally found a place where you can actually open the bottle and still return it so ive been going it a bit crazy ever since🥰 also the irony of me also making a shein order right after i answered your previous ask saying no more buying things💀 omg im so sad you dont have a tree???:( i get it tho, 2 years ago when we jsut got conch (my cat) and he was still a wild kitten my mom didnt wanna get the tree up either. i still forced it❤️ and no major disasters so! dkfjsdk id say its possible😌

you live in sweden????? omg my mom wants what you have she’s obsessed with scandinavia and esp sweden wig so did you move from another country? miss worldwide?? and do u speak the language it always sounded impossible to me to learn👀👀 whenever ive been there it has always rained so im not particularly fond djdfsjk but i guess its the same here i cant even rmr the last time we had proper snow tbh💔

and no im not a fan either it just makes me sad for her and the whole concept of members leaving a group is😔😔😔 scream i rmr downloading the trial version of photoshop and being so intimidated that i didnt do anything about it for the whole month😭 i hope u find the motivation to watch some tutorials and make better use of it than i did jskdnfk

#also miss santa how do u manage to send these long ass anons in one go i still have to send mine in parts it's driving me insane😭#ss20 #anonymous #ask

0 notes

artificialqueens · 6 years

Text

party chapter thirteen - shalaska - pureCAMP

A/N - i know it’s been so long. in fact, it’s been about eight months. it became difficult for me to continue this fic after it coming under fire so much. i was told it was cheap and stupid and as a fairly young writer, it got to me. i lost all motivation.

but we were so close to the end. we were moments away.

it’s short. but this is how i envisioned it. i hope you enjoy, thank you so much to anyone who read this. it means a lot <3

Their cab ride back home had been spent in a relatively awkward silence. For one, it seemed as though Sharon was slightly more rattled from running into her ex than she wanted to let on. Her knee was bouncing, the bones prominent through the thin fabric of her jeans. Alaska just needed a moment to mull over what had just happened, from the encounter right up to the impromptu confession she’d made.

It wasn’t a big deal, right? That was what the whole debacle spanning several months had been about. Alaska loved Sharon. Sharon loved Alaska. It had, essentially, ruined a tour, Sharon’s health, and the peace of mind of nearly all of their friends. So it wasn’t a big deal, that much was clear now. They were in love.

And yet it still felt like one. Mark’s words rang in her ears incessantly.

You’re good at brainwashing people, Aaron.

Sharon wasn’t a bad person. A four year relationship and a friendship afterwards had cemented that fact in Alaska’s mind. But that didn’t change that Sharon had an ugly side, a darker side, beyond the one that was revealed under the influence of illicit substances. There was the side of her that was nihilistic, offensive, the side that didn’t give a shit because she didn’t have a reason to. That side of her was rare, but it still existed.

Surely Sharon wasn’t lying, though. They’d been through so much together. No matter how cheap and stupid it may have seemed, the hard times had brought them together. It had been a wake-up call in many circumstances, from relationships to just plain health. It wasn’t something Sharon could lie about.

As they walked towards the front door – Sharon having paid for the ride and taken hold of Alaska’s hand as soon as they stepped out – Alaska started to relax again. She was just getting stressed; it was natural after such a weird turn of events. To walk hand in hand in the streets of Pittsburgh, a city now infamous thanks to the pair of them, that in itself was enough to skew her mind a little bit. Mark and his stupid little mind games were just the cherry on top of the stress cake.

Sharon flung herself down onto her couch as soon as she got inside, too tired to even properly take her shoes off. Instead, she opted to kick and shake them off as best as she could as she sank into the cushions, pulling Alaska down with her.

“So, you just said you loved me.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.” Sharon persisted. “I heard it. I heard it come right out of your little mouth.”

Alaska chuckled at the childish game. “You must have me confused with someone else.”

“Like who?” Sharon laughed. “Who could I possibly have you confused with?”

She pretended to think. “Hmm. A boa constrictor?”

“I prefer feather boas.” Sharon muttered decisively. “They’re prettier. I know I heard you, Lasky. I even said it back. Don’t deny it.”

“Well then,” Alaska replied smugly. “If you know you heard it, why do you need to mention it again?”

Sharon puckered her lips for a kiss. Alaska gladly obliged.

“To make extra sure.” She said. “You don’t think I spent so many months worrying about this not to double check it, did you?”

Alaska softened. “The worrying can stop, Noodles. No amount of ugly exes, past relationships or overdoses are gonna stop me from loving you. I’m not encouraging any of those things, but… they won’t stop me loving you the way I do. Things turned out okay in the end, didn’t they?”

Alaska knew the saying was ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, but she wanted to change it. Stronger was perhaps a better word. They’d broken each other down and built one another back up again over years and years, and if anything, their hearts were stronger than they’d been before. More in tune than they’d ever been before. It seemed a break was all they needed, and that was all it had been; a break, not a break up.

The pair were comfortably silent for a while. There was no need to dive on top of one another, ravaging each other with kisses and sex and hickeys and everything that the love novels suggested. Rekindling a fire never encompassed dumping a bottle of gasoline and a box of matches onto the wood. Like a fire, it needed to be dealt with slowly, carefully, bit by bit until they got it right.

They had all the time in the world.

(7) New Messages

Willam: Alaska

Willam: Goddammit you fucking snake why are you never awake when important news is breaking

Willam: good luck when you wake up bitch

Courtney: bill! This is serious!

Michelle: Not sure if you’ve seen Instagram and Twitter, but I’d hurry there if I were you. I’m guessing you’re not awake, but…

- Michelle Visage has sent a link –

It had been so comfortable, sat next to Sharon on the couch in silence, that Alaska wasn’t even aware the pair of them had drifted off until she suddenly awoke. Sharon’s hand was resting on her thigh, her head on her neck, and in Alaska’s right hand her phone flashed continuously. Stirring herself cautiously, so as not to wake up Sharon, she unlocked it and groggily read her messages.

Oh for fuck’s sake, she thought to herself. Not again. Why is it that the moment I’m happy, the moment anything good happens, something appears online?

A feeble part of her brain tried to convince herself otherwise. Maybe it wasn’t what she thought? Maybe it was just some snotty club cancelling one of her gigs, another article proclaiming Sharon to be a drug-obsessed Nazi – something standard and easy to brush off. There was a good chance it was another fan taking a stab at finding proof of ‘shalaska’, which again was fairly easy to ignore, if slightly amusing. Some of their theories were wild and some of them were, well, hilariously accurate.

Feeling a little blasé about the whole thing, Alaska opened her twitter. Nothing unusual. Mrs Kasha Davis spreading her positivity. A naked black guy with a gigantic cock, with a small ‘liked by Coco Montrese’ at the top of the photo. Katya spouting strangely ominous nonsense. Phi Phi interacting with fans. Ultimately, nothing seemed out of place.

She clicked trending. Various idiotic topics greeted her as usual. A sporting event, the resignation of a famous player who played… something, a funny hashtag about describing your boss with a movie title, and –

Oh.

That was what they meant.

Despite the words seeming frivolous, Alaska’s heart rate sped up upon reading them. #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty was one of the few trending topics, with a couple of hundred tweets about it.

Heart suddenly filled with dread, Alaska clicked. The first tweet, the most liked and retweeted one of all, was from an oddly familiar source.

Mark - @thatmarkman – Feb 1st

Imagine your already-shitty boyfriend leaving you to go date/fuck the ex that he abused #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty @SHARON_NEEDLES

-picture-

Enlarging the image, Alaska saw it was of herself – blurry, and from the back, but most definitely her. Her hand was entwined with the hand of somebody who hadn’t quite made it into the picture, but she knew was Sharon.

She swiped. This time the two of them were in it, still holding hands, at a side angle that would easily clear any doubts over the first image. Sharon’s side profile was abundantly clear, Alaska’s face almost fully visible. It was incriminating evidence.

angie<3 - @katyasbabyslut2004 – Feb 1st

WHY IS @SHARON_NEEDLES TRYING TO RUIN ALASKA’S CAREER JUST LIKE HERS >:( #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty

Ben||3 days - @delanoactzamomattel – Feb 1st

Wow i sure do love unstanning racist nazi cheaters! #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty

Victoria Ulgard - @trixyalaska49 – Feb 1st

Sum1 tell me this is photoshopped #sharonneedlesisoverparty

56 days - @adoorcilantrosplaid – Feb 1st

Feel like ive waited years for this damn hashtag to be a thing #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty #FINALLY

AB - @kimorasblackk – Feb 1st

Ew shalaska really? #gross #sharonneedlesisOVERparty

Leon :D - @leoshakesqueere1 – Feb 1st

Can someone explain whats going on omg i thought they broke up bc it was abusive?? #shalaska?? #sharonneedlesisoverparty

They went on and on, each one slamming Sharon, or Alaska, or both of them. A few were kind, clogging up the negative tag with positivity, but it did little to fix the issue.

Everything was now out in the open.

This was the last thing Sharon needed, and Alaska knew it. The recovery would be, and already had been, rough. It wasn’t going to get any easier anytime soon, and she didn’t need the added stress of seeing people going bananas over something that didn’t involve them. Sharon was more private than she liked to let on – this would only stress her out.

“Lasky?”

Alaska had been so caught up in scrolling through the madness that she didn’t notice Sharon stirring on her shoulder until the older queen spoke. She was squinting, her glasses having fallen off into her lap, and her brow was furrowed down at her own mobile.

“Why is Michelle texting me?”

A heavy sigh escaped from Alaska’s lips. She couldn’t lie about it. It was inevitable that Sharon would find out; she might as well deliver the news as gently as she could.

“…Your asshole of an ex told the world about us.”

She waited for the reaction.

After a couple of seconds of silence, Sharon nestled down into Alaska’s shoulder again, her eyelids still heavy from sleep.

She yawned. “Is that it?”

Alaska shifted her arm to pull Sharon closer to her, appreciating the calming warmth of having another body by her side. Sharon dropped her phone into her lap, not caring about it, and opened her eyes momentarily to gaze into Alaska’s.

“The thing is…” She began sluggishly, clearly still half-asleep. “It doesn’t fucking matter… ‘cause, I love you baby. ‘N you love me too. The whole world don’t have to love us.”

Within seconds of soliloquising, her eyes were closed again, her body growing heavier against Alaska’s. She sounded so sure, so certain, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It didn’t matter, she was positive. All that mattered was their love shared, right?

Alaska wasn’t as convinced as she wanted to be. “I don’t know, Sharon… this could have repercussions. It’s so soon…”

“Trust me, pumpkin… you lose a gig, I lose a gig… doesn’t matter. We’re famous ‘n involved in a scandal. We’re hot shit.”

The words were so painfully Sharon that Alaska couldn’t help but laugh. Maybe she was right after all. Logically, she knew it wasn’t going to get any worse than this. Mean tweets, or perhaps a rude comment, or something snotty on Reddit – that would be the beginning and end of their troubles. Of course Sharon’s overdose would remain a problem, but at the same time, the news was dying down. It seemed as though, when it came to Ru Girls, everything flared up for days and then dissipated again.

It was cliché. Beyond cliché. But that didn’t matter. Alaska switched off her phone, putting it face down on the coffee table and gently stroking Sharon’s hair.

Gigs didn’t matter. Mean comments didn’t matter. Unkind tweet and speculations didn’t matter.

What mattered was happiness, love and health.

Happiness. Only months ago, Alaska had expected she wouldn’t find proper happiness again. Confusion shrouded her mind from the obvious, pulling her away from her instinctive thoughts. She stopped following her gut and started following her head, knowing in the back of her mind that this was the same head that caused her self-depreciating thoughts. The head that caused the meltdowns, the tantrums, the angry fits that made her appear overly-competitive and petty. In hindsight, she needn’t have listened to her head. Her heart knew what it wanted. Her heart knew what it needed.

Love. That had been the difficult one. She hadn’t even wanted to recognise the way she was feeling, and had just silenced herself in order to keep up the illusion. In a hotel years ago, she’d decided to listen to her heart and break away – and in another hotel later on, she’d decided not to. For so long she denied herself the very idea; love doesn’t die when a relationship does. It had taken a while. And maybe, just maybe, it didn’t feel as explosive and all-consuming and fiery as it had when they were young, dumb and broke. Maybe, just maybe, the gentle warmth and softness between them, the delicacy of Sharon’s sleeping face and the weight of her body next to her, was enough. Maybe, just maybe, that was love too.

Health. Admittedly, they weren’t doing too well at this one. But it was a start. Sharon was starting to get better. The problem was acknowledged, and being tackled. After one of her many mood swings from angry to guilty, she’d told Alaska she was going to limit her cigarette intake. Originally, she’d decided to quit completely – a resolution that lasted all of five minutes before a craving struck her. Still, it was something. Drugs were out of the window and cigarettes were slowly disappearing. It was something. Progression.

It wasn’t perfect. They would never be perfect. Alaska would always be sensitive, a perfectionist, and prone to reacting negatively when things didn’t always go her way. Sharon would always want to find solace in a bar, to block out the bad feelings with a substance or two, and revert back to her old ways. They would never be perfect. And love certainly wasn’t going to fix that.

But there was nothing they could do to change the imperfections.

So, with as much blasé as she could muster, a brief imitation of her old old friend, Alaska smiled to herself.

Party.

#shalaska #sharon needles #alaska thunderfuck #party #purecamp #rpdr fanfiction #submission #party by purecamp

31 notes · View notes

amaloaf · 7 years

Note

All of them

3 Fears3 things I love2 turns on2 turns offMy best friendSexual orientationHow tall am IWhat do I miss right nowFavourite colorDo I have a crush ^ already answered these

Favourite place

my room of the senior lounge in my school

What am I listening to right now

a davenchurch playlist (current song: Something I Need- One Republic)

Shoe size

9-10 womens

Eye color

brown and gold

Hair color

ALSO brownish-gold

Meaning behind my URL

haha Fenton called me a walking paradox as a joke and it stuck!

Favourite song

literally dont have one but im currently loving “Waving Through a Window” from the dear evan hanson soundtrack

Favourite band

either panic! at the disco or fall out boy

How I feel right now

absolutely awful but you sending this completely boosted my mood!!

Someone I love

oh sweet jesus, Fenton and Ellie and Pear and Cade and Vinny and Dylan and Sydney and Daffy and Simon and Nico and Jayme and Kiwi and Arily and this is going overboard but i cannot hold all my love in

My current relationship status

painfully single and desperately needing to get laid

My relationship with my parents

Favourite season

fall

Tattoos and piercing i have

none, unfortunately

Tattoos and piercing i want

a septum piercing, 1mm gauges, a second piercing, an outer ear ring, sleeve tats of intertwining roses and dandelions, magnus’ railsplitter somewhere (im still deciding on where..)

The reasons I joined Tumblr

all my middle school friends had it

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

not anymore

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

i kissed my dad before

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

cosmetically? five minutes max

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

unfortunately i did yesterday

Where am I right now?

at my desk, sitting on pile of laundry im neglecting

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

i like it quiet

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

both, but unhappily

Am I excited for anything?

death, also graduation i guess

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

my friends Cade and Dylan are good buddies

How often do I wear a fake smile?

….. next question

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

the mcelroys, specifically travis

What do I think about most?

not to be dark but death

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

neither, but behind if i have to be

What was the last lie I told?

“no mom i totally bought this”

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i dont do either v much but i really like vids when i can get them

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes (i saw three ghosts in my life)

Do I believe in magic?

hell yeah

Do I believe in luck?

mostly

What’s the weather like right now?

clear night skies with a slight fall nip in the air

What was the last book I’ve read?

animal farm by george orwell

Do I have any nicknames?

M.K., M, Loaf

Do I spend money or save it?

both?

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nope!

Favourite animal?

hgnnnnn cant choose, maybe sharks?

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Hips Dont Lie!

What is my favorite word?

bludgeoning because im a nerd

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

CUT THE CRAP AND LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE GOD DAMN IT

Do I have any relatives in jail?

i deadass dont talk to my family but im p sure one of my cousins was arrested last week

What is my current desktop picture?

that picture of the sloth photoshopped on a dolphin with the P!NK lyrics

Had sex?

Bought condoms?

Gotten pregnant?

oh god no

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

no but my first kiss with a boy i got sprayed on at a waterpark

Had job?

im a partime paralegal

Smoked weed?

yep

Smoked cigarettes?

for a long ass time in middle school (if im bein real honest im going to pic it back up again probably)

Drank alcohol?

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

definetly not

Been overweight?

currently am

Been underweight?

when i was born

Gotten my heart broken?

plenty of times

Been to prom?

yes

Been in airplane?

oh yeah, i love flying

Learned another language?

took spanish for 10+ years and dont know a damned word of it

Wore make up?

Dyed my hair?

no but i really want to

Had a surgery?

yes! some work on my ear after i fucked it up as a baby

Met someone famous?

a band called After Romeo

Stalked someone on a social network?

i tend to go through social media when i find new accounts i like but its never stalkerish

Been fishing?

got the license and everything

Been rejected by a crush?

yea, ive only ever had one crush where it panned out

What do I want for birthday?

a binder

Do I like my handwriting?

Where do I want to live when older?

idk, im praying i dont end up back in vegas

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

got caught reading awful porn once does that count

What I’m really bad at

ohh im really holding back on saying “everything” but if i had to choose wind instruments

What my greatest achievments are

my art, my relationships, my baby handling skills

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

ill give you the second worse: “ well at least being a fattass made you bouncy”

What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy a house, get a super crazy nice computer, give some money to the friends listed up earlier on the list and draw for all eternity

What do I like about myself

my eyes and my good heart and my ability to fake good things

My closest Tumblr friend

oh definitely Fenton or @whyldkratts

Any question you’d like?

feel free to send in your own question!

Are you outgoing or shy?

yes

What kind of people are you attracted to?

soft bellies, thick legs and hips, nice pecs, soft long hair, nice lips

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

idk maybe? i hope so, yall can feel free to make the first move ;3

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

no, i actually like it!

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my buddy Cade

What does the most recent text that you sent say?

What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Something I Need, Michel in the Bathroom, For Forever, Waving Through a Window, and Freeze Your Brain

Do you like it when people play with your hair?

oh yes!! please play with my hair!!! ((and playing with OTHER peoples hair??? oh boy howdy dont even get me started!!!!))

Do you think there is life on other planets?

hell yes!

Do you like bubble baths?

sure, no real pref either way

Do you like your neighbors?

NOPE

Where would you like to travel?

yes!

Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleep

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

*sweats* yes?? (probably my boobs and stomach, also my arms)

What do you do when you wake up?

stare at the ceiling and mentally prepare myself for the day

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker, it lost a lot of melinin when i hit puberty for some reason??

Do you ever want to get married?

yes! even if its just a platonic life partner marriage!

If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yep

Would you rather live without TV or music?

telivision my man

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yep! one time it went to shit the other time it went fairly ok

What are your favorite stores to shop in?

target and hot topic

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

normally yes but you gotta kno when to get the hell away from certain folks

Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

OH yeaaah

Ever wished you were someone else?

every god damned day

Favourite makeup brand?

cheap

Last thing you ate?

mashed potatoes

Ever won a competition? For what?

won a college science fair in middle school once

Ever been in love?

im always in love

Facebook or Twitter?

twitter always (pst mines @emiglody95

Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr

Are you watching tv right now?

What colour are your towels?

beige and brown

Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookie dough or coffee

First person you talked to today?

my mother or Ellie i can remember

Last person you talked to today?

Pear or my day, again i cant remember

Name a person you hate?

Prestly, Kevin, Zoe, Mike

Name a person you love?

hmm ive already listed a lot of people already so lets go with: Wilson

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

remember Kevin from two asks ago?

Do you tan a lot?

im outside a lot but my tan is mostly natural

Have any pets?

my dog, Gus!

Do you type fast?

yes actually!!

Do you regret anything from your past?

im not lookin to type a paragraph so lets go with yes

Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah,,

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

every day

Is cheating ever okay?

no, but if your partner got seriously fucked up and it was a total accident and you trust them then MAYBE you can reconsider not throwing their asses out

Do you believe in true love?

to an extent

What your zodiac sign?

leo!

Do you believe in ghosts?

id better ive seen three of ‘em

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“ Its fine”, she said primly as she turned back to the trays of jewelry.

#answered for me #hell yea love gettin these things

2 notes · View notes

k8y411 · 7 years

Text

updates. long overdue

So for those of y’all who don’t know, i’ve been in school for baking and pastry since february and the “director of education” (and i say that in quotes because he is basically a manchild with too much power who is capable of being professional but chooses to be an unprofessional piece of shit, has forgotten my name several names [which wouldn’t annoy me except for the fact that he remembers LITERALLY everyone else’s] and now calls me by my last name and purposely mispronounces it. ) somehow decided to fuck my schedule up so that all of the ppl i spent those 6 months in class with and bonding with and becoming friends with all had their last day of classes and moved on to their externships last week and i was the only one, and i am not using hyperbole, I am the only one from my previous class to still be taking classes. my previous chef/teacher/whatever, was saying goodbye to everyone like the whole class is supposed to be moving on so this is not a common thing for the dickbag with too high of a position to do. so ive been pissed about that for some time and having classes for so many hours and at weird hours has been exhausting but being in the kitchens and learning was fun and i did learn a lot and my teachers so far have been pretty damn fantastic (crossing my fingers that i never have to take a class from manchild mcimmaturity-personified)

I’ve missed tumblr and drawing so much but i feel like ive lost my creative energy or something. the first day of this new term was on friday and i wanted to go home the second i walked through the door and I feel awful because i can tell this teacher is nice and cares and i want to care too. these classes are for the management and business side of things and i know they are important but i just dont feel like im in a state to absorb any information.

too many not awesome things just piled on top of each other like they always do. i wish the rule of threes was something the universe followed because then i would know when the shitstorms were over, but bad shit just keeps happening and ive just been becoming more and more of a hermit and keeping everything to myself in fact i’ll be surprised as shit if i actually post this regardless of if it gets read.

so my emotions are completely out of whack from basically losing all the friends/ppl i liked at the school (cuz they are all off starting their careers so to speak) but i could probably have handled that if it wasn’t on top of my heart being brought back to life by someone i thought i could trust, only to suffer through the ultimate of flake outs and have said heart crushed into a million pieces(again, im just really bad at seeing the toxicity until im knee fucking deep in it and already infected) and be basically treated like i don’t matter, literally being told to stop expressing myself because said person didn;t want to hear what i had to say, whilst also having to wean myself off of some of my meds cuz i’m no longer under my parents insurance and have anxiety bad enough that i cannot get myself to find new doctors/therapists/psychologists here in OR (and yeah i know ive been here since january, i am aware of how pathetic i am thanks) and it was in the 100s for a week or so and i know its summer but it was hotter up here in OR than in CA where i am from and that just ticks me off so much cuz the heat made my already existing insomnia even worse, and I literally spend every non-distracted, non-brain-busying moment crying or on the brink of tears.

so ahem i have turned into more of a recluse, i’ve been shutting out ppl who don’t deserve it, ive been so worried of how shitty my art will look or how much pain my wrists will be in that i’m too scared to even open photoshop.

I just want to apologize, I want to be there for people, i want to have friends, i just don’t know how. and I want to draw I miss posting art, im so behing on all my shows that idk what i’d even draw anymore, but i still miss it.

i’m hoping that since my current classes are shorter and less labor intensive, that i will have time and energy to draw but I don’t want to make promises that I don’t know if i can keep. (oh fuck me i am triggering myself)

so with that im gonna end this rant/update/complain-a-thon

and yeah also the current state of this gods-forsaken country isn’t helping, just thinking about it makes everything worse and i can’t even handle whats on my personal problems plate

ugh fuck me and my guilty conscious okay im done. im gonna try and post doodles or something. im so sorry for disappearing, i miss art-ing, and my tumblr peeps. i promise to try cuz that is all i know i can do right now.

forgive me.

#very ranty #but im physically still occupying earth #even if the rest of me isnt #feel free to ignore #i hate me :)

6 notes · View notes

lmm17ca · 7 years

Text

Lasse Milling Madsen Letter of Intention for The Animation Workshop 2017

Hello my name is Lasse, I'm currently 23 years old, and I would like to apply for TAW's Character Animation course.

Creating characters and imaginative worlds is something I find very fulfilling and fun. Its very enjoyable to me to play around with shape language, and the unique expressions that you can get from animation, that you cant get from traditional film media. For these reasons I’m very interested in working with animation, and would like want to apply for TAW to expand my skills and eventually open up opportunities to work professionally with animation within the industry or independently. I have applied to the course 3 times before, but I'm not deterred from applying again.

Ive always enjoyed animated media, and never really ”grew out of it”. Drawing has always been something I greatly enjoyed doing. When I had trouble concentrating in school, I would always be doodling in my school papers instead. When asked what line of education I wanted to pursue, I wasn't sure, but I mentioned I liked drawing and was sendt to try out the animation course at Odense Fagskole. Here I tried out animation for the first time, and within a week of being in a creative environment and working seriously with art, I was hooked.

Later I attended the same course along with a 10th grade course at Odense Fagskole, and learned all the basics of animation, this year was very important to my development as an artist and person, and I look fondly back at it. Working with animation on a daily basis, was a really positive experience, it makes me want to seek out similar environments and possibilities of working creatively on a daily basis, other than as a hobby. I later took a 3 year HF course with special classes in Art, Design and Media, here I learned a lot about different creative media, and gathered a wide range of skills. I've also taken courses in film, and media design.

Last year I attended Mercantecs Digital media course, which included a 4 week drawing course in collaboration with The Drawing academy, and 2 weeks of computer graphics in collaboration with The Animation Workshop. These courses really expanded my drawing skills, and made me consider new ways and methods of working creatively.

I have taught animation at Odense Fagskoles børneskole for 3 years, where I taught children and young adult from the age 8 to 16 in the basics of animation. I was in charge of a new class every semester and taught 2 hours a week, and had to plan the lessons myself and help the students understand and finish the assignments, at the end of each semester the school would hold an open house, where my class presented their work, this included a show-reel of the students animations which I organised. Last year I substituted the daily animation class at Odense Fagskole everyday for a month, I taught aspiring animation students from the age 16 and up in basic animation and animation techniques. I had to collaborate with the regular teacher, as he had lessons planned, which I had to organise and execute, I also had to plan relevant lessons, to fit with their other classes.

For 5 years I attended amateur theater. Here we had to work as a team to set up a play once a year, we worked on acting techniques and improv workshops when not rehearsing a play. Before theater I was very introverted, but felt I have really grown through theater. Many of the skills learned here, I feel translate very well into animation. I have used the skills and lessons learned here to organise theater lessons and improv workshops myself. Id like to continue to work within theater, and I want to continue to run improv workshops, since I find acting and expression in that way very fulfilling and a constant growing experience, and I want to keep sharing these experiences with others.

In the future I see myself continuing to work creatively, preferably with animation. Creating, unique personal animated short stories, games or maybe even feature length movies is something I strive to do. I see myself working at a smaller studio, perhaps start one myself. I want to continue to bring imaginative worlds to life through animation, and develop new expressive media. I could see myself working at Cartoon Saloon, their incredible works have inspired and shaped my art, especially their amazing work with shapes and stylized line-work really speak to me. Working on animated features which such interesting art-styles, and explore the limits of abstract and creative art-styles in animated media would be something I would enjoy. I also want to continue to work with theater as a hobby, and use it to guide my creative work. I could also see myself continuing my teaching profession, perhaps also within animation. If I am not applied to the animation workshop, I have aspirations to apply for the teacher bachelor, I enjoy working in a class environment, and inspiring students and seeing them develop new skills.

Hopefully animated movies continue to thrive in the public media and art scene. A hand drawn 2D animation renaissance would be amazing. Although 3D CGI movies are great, I would love to see major animated movies have a wider range of styles and mediums and it would be really interesting to see major studios like Disney deviate from their style and experiment more. Disney movies are good, but very ”safe”. Other studios like Pixar are suffering from the same mentality by not deviating from their established style. I’d like to see more animated media targeting adults specifically, having interesting and deep stories and well developed characters, and not just crude jokes.

I have a wide range of software knowledge after my history of different digital courses.

Photoshop & Ilustrator- well acquainted

Flash - Well acquainted

Premiere & Aftereffects - Intermediate

Paint tool Sai - Expert

Maya – Basic knowladge

Aseprite - Well acquainted

What I enjoy most is watching animated media and playing video games. Some of my favorite work is Studio Ghibli’s Princess Mononoke and Nintendo’s The Legend of Zelda series. I like them for many of the same reasons. I would say that Princess Mononoke is the closest we get to an animated Zelda movie and the newest installment of The Legend of Zelda resembles a Ghibli movie in video game form. To me, there’s just something about the magical world painted in both, which takes place in our real world. Exploring the beauty of nature, in a world that invites for adventure, exploration and magical discoveries. The magical creatures seen in Princess Mononoke are somewhat relatable to real life creatures, but just has that extra push of surreal features, it almost feels like I could encounter similar creature, if I wandered too deeply off path in a forest. I am also a sucker for classical heroes Journey stories, and I feel Princess Mononoke and Zelda executes them very well.

I've grown up with the Legend of Zelda, and I feel a close bond to the series, and the way that it manages to explore different art-styles while maintaining the same sense of adventure and wonder, impresses me. I can only aspire to creative as iconic designs and concepts as appear in the Legend of Zelda.

Another favorite work of mine is Tove Janssons Moomin Troll. I grew up with the Moomin anime from the 90s, but have since fallen in love with Tove’s original comic strip and books! The Moomin universe delivers something I don’t find in similar childerens media. Perhaps because there’s something about the Moomin characters that I can deeply relate to, but also because of Tove’s ability to put deep emotions and themes in her work, like melanchony and poetry, despite its target audience being all ages. When people ask me what fictional world I would like to live in, I always answer Moomin Valley. During the colder seasons, I get the urge to rewatch and reread Moomin, like it’s part of my winter hibernation.

Tove Jansson is definitely one of my biggest inspirations, her unique ink work has inspired me so much and made me challenge myself to replicate her unique almost crude style. Another one of my favorites is the musician Tom Waits, his crooked music style with glorification of imperfection inspires me a lot. His musical The Black Rider is one of my favorite creative works and I dream of animating it someday! Tom Waits has also inspired one of my favorite band Kaizers Orchestra, who in turn have also inspired me. They have a special way of telling stories through their songs and by banging all sorts of items together they make metallic sounds. They have an unique stage presence which feels like a form of theater at times. Tyson Hesse is one of my favorite comic artists, ive been following his work since his early beginnings and his comics still capture me with his fun style. Shmorky is also an artist I look up to a lot, they mostly do cutesy drawings of small blobish characters, but their unique mix of cuteness and edge, really speaks to me. Some of my other favorite artists include Scottie Young, Emmy Cicierega, Niel Cicirega ,Ken Sugimori, Justin Chan, Rebecca Sugar, Temmie Chang, Jamie Hewlett and many more.

There's a few works that I just cannot relate to. Worst of all is Sausage party, Seth Rogan's adult animated movie. Its a shame that a lot of animated work targeted to adults, ends up being nothing more than a children movie with dick and fart humor, no real substance to them. I'm all for some dirty humor once in a while, but sausage party just is non stop stupid food puns and sexual innuendos, its story makes no sense, and none of the characters are likable. For some of the same reasons I hate sausage party I also dislike Family guy, and similar shows. Family guy to me is the worst kind of humor, its often offensive, and very sexist or problematic in other ways. Its animation is boring and stiff, and is streamlined down to a point where its so drained of creativity that its barely even ”animated” at all. I also dislike animated movies targeted for children, that just feel like a marketing ploy, and the movies usually don't have much more substance than some funny random jokes. The worst offender being Minions, and the despicable me movies. I don't think minions are interesting characters, and their gibberish language, makes them very unrelatable.

Traveling isn’t something I have done often, since I come from a fairly poor family, vacations abroad wasn’t a thing I had the luxury to grow up with. I have been to Lyon, France and Berlin, Germany during schooltrips. My trip to France was my first real experience outside of Denmark. In Berlin I had some interesting experiences with underground art, took a street-art tour throught the city and went to see the museum of bizarre objects! Such fun and inspriring experiences! During the holiday season, I visited my wonderfull girlfriend in The Netherlands for the first time. It was my first time travelling alone so it was all very exciting. I stayed for a month and saw a lot of the country. It’s fun to see a culture that’s so close to my own, yet so much more urban and international! I’m going back to The Netherlands in April and I plan to visit more often. Now that I know what it’s like, travelling is really fun and I would love to visit Japan and Australia someday.

I plan on financing the education with the danish SU system, and taking an SU loan.

I look very much forward to hearing back from you, Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Best regards

Lasse Milling Madsen

Grønnegade 11. 1st th 8800 viborg

+45 28 21 17 56

[email protected]

(coke as in cola but with a zero instead of an o)

#letterofintention

0 notes