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ghost-proofbaby · 3 months

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fictional boyfriends (e.m.)

summary: eddie gets jealous of your newest fictional boyfriend from a game he got you into.

warnings: kinda sweet. kinda cringe. eddie is jealous of astarion. twilight reference jumpscare. not edited. biting and vague mentions of sex at the end.

wc: 2.5k+

a/n: this is the dumbest, cringiest thing i have ever written. but on this side of town, we embrace the cringe <3 happy valentine's day, enjoy me combining my current favorite fictional men (astarion and eddie) for my own personal delight. maybe one day i'll write a serious fic regarding the biting kink

It’s not that biting had ever been off the table with Eddie, per se.

Nips between kisses, using a little more teeth when he’d kiss across your neck, a joking sinking of your teeth into his shoulder when you were vying for his attention — they were all normal occurrences between the two of you. There was just never much discussion about it. No conversation explicitly had in which the two of you said, “Why, yes. This is something I’d like to bring into the bedroom.”

Until that damn game.

When Eddie introduced you to Baldur’s Gate 3, the last thing he expected was to watch all your free time you used to spend pestering him suddenly handed over to some fictional vampire. He thought it’d be a game you tried, grew tired of, lost interest in, and that was that. Nothing more, nothing less. He didn’t expect a sudden competition for your goddamn affections.

“Baby, please come to bed,” he all but whines as he drapes himself over your shoulders, trying to nudge off your headphones. He could feel just how warm your ears had grown beneath them. He swears he can feel your back crack from the slightest bit of his weight on your shoulders. And, sue him — he was tired and he wanted to cuddle.

“One more minute,” you mumble the same phrase to him that he has used a million times on you; he instantly knows it’ll be far more than just sixty more seconds if he agrees, “Let me just finish this-“

“No,” he’s still whining, but it’s more stern now as he properly removes your headset, earning a glare from your bloodshot eyes, “You’ve been playing this game all afternoon, sweetheart. I think I might die if you don’t offer me some immediate attention. Truly.”

For emphasis, he lays more of his body weight on you, your chair creaking from holding up both of you now.

“Eddie,” you moan out, wiggling beneath his dead-weight, “I swear to God, get off of me-“

“I’ll get off of you if you come to bed.”

You pause. Your hands hover near your keyboard and mouse, but you’re no longer walking your avatar across the world of Baldur’s Gate, and he knows he has you considering it.

More weight. More groans. At this rate, he’s questioning if your chair won’t break from his outrageous method to get your attention.

“Fine.”

The small yes he lets out only earns him a punch to the shoulder. But it gets you off the game, and that’s still a win for him.

He doesn’t even care about appearing over eager as you follow him back to the bedroom. He’s gone as far as preparing the bed, pillows fluffed and comforted pulled back while awaiting your arrival. He’s already washed his face and brushed his teeth (something he usually fights you on as you nag him before bed), and the moment he’s got you in the room with him, he’s dragging you right onto the mattress with him.

“You’re gonna hurt us!” you yelp as he wraps his arms around you and flops down, dragging you with him, but it’s through a laugh. He knows you really couldn’t care less — he’d never deliberately injure you, irritated about your newest fictional boyfriend or not.

“Oh, no,” he mocks, rolling so you’re laying on top of him, “What ever will you do if I injure one of your precious wrists, and you can’t use it to flirt with your new boy toy tomorrow?”

“Astarion would be devastated,” you giggle into his chest, not moving off of him despite all your protests. It’s nice — to feel the full weight of you, to just get to bury his nose in the crown of your head as he shamelessly inhales the sweet lingering scent of your coconut shampoo, “He’s even needier than you.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you serve as his functional juice box.”

“I do not!” you wiggle against him, and it only makes him tighten his arms, “He’s needy because he loves me.”

“Well that makes one of us.”

Your head lifts off his chest in an instant, faux offense shadowing your features, “You tryin’ to say you don’t love me, Munson?”

He smirks, pressing his lips together tightly, making you huff in frustration.

Of course he loves you. There wouldn’t be a ring in his sock drawer that he’s terrified of you finding if he didn’t.

You pout, subtly and adorably so, starting to lift off of him, “If you’re going to be mean, I’m just going to go back to someone who appreciates me-“

“Mean?” he scoffs, enjoying himself far too much. He’s missed your attention, your affection. The effect it has on him is similar to a high, making him dizzy on serotonin as he rolls over and pins you between him and the mattress, “Oh, baby, that’s not me being mean. I can show you mean, if you want.”

He’s always thought you looked prettiest like this. Under him, eyes wide as you look up at him as if he’s the only thing in this room worth looking at. Worth more than your prized bookshelf, more interesting than all the various posters the two of you have hung on the walls. You look at him as though he’s the greatest thing to exist in these four walls, and he doesn’t take it lightly when your favorite albums and candles are right there.

“You don’t have a mean bone in your body, Munson,” you whisper softly, face going soft for him. The two of you are still surely joking around, the playfulness of it all thick in the air, but there’s something genuine in your words that makes him even more enamored with you.

He should have predicted you’d fall for Astarion when he showed you the game. You had a thing for people who put up the tough front, but who really just needed a little extra softness and patience under the surface. He was living proof of it.

Unlike your fictional vampire boyfriend.

“Yeah?” he taunts, leaning down until the tip of his nose brushes yours. His hair works like a curtain, messy as ever as he shields the two of you from the outside world. One of your hands have crept up so that you palm rests against his cheek, and he can hardly remember that flare of jealousy that had gnawed at him when you’d spent your entire afternoon absorbed in the game instead of him, “I bet I could be meaner than Astarion. Although, I’m not sure just how mean that man has ever been to you, given all the war crimes you commit for his approval-“

He’s cut off when the thumb of the hand cradling his face trails up, pressing on his bottom lip. It only makes him grow even closer to you, pressing in, drawn by your touch.

You squint your eyes at him jokingly before cooing, “Someone sounds jealous.”

“Damn right,” he doesn’t even try to deny it, caught in the web of your trap with ease, “Does your pixelated lover even know what a catch he’s got?”

You snort adorably at that. He pulls away to see the full force of your laughter, lifting up into his elbows to admire how your face scrunches with your smile. He bets Astarion would make some sarcastic comment about it — about the crinkles by your eyes that he aches to pepper with kisses, about the indents in your cheeks when you smile this wide, about the sound of your genuine laughter when you unrestrained and entirely comfortable like this. But there’s not a single joke forming on Eddie’s tongue. He’s all but hypnotized.

God, he fucking loves you. So much so he’s jealous of a video game character.

“I’m not sure I’d consider this,” you lift the hand not holding him carefully still to motion at your current state of being, “A catch, my love.”

He has to disagree. Messy hair or not, wrinkled pajamas or not. You’re the greatest catch of this entire existence; not just Eddie’s, but the Universe’s. Nothing you could say or point out would deter him from this belief. He loves you, mess and all.

“My love?” he chooses to tease instead, all the words of affection threatening to choke him if he so much as considers letting them pour out, “I like the sound of that. If that’s the Astarion effect, maybe he isn’t so bad after all.”

His elbows are sinking deeper into the mattress. With every passing second, his face is dropping closer to yours, and he’s not sure if it’s by instinct or choice. But when his lips finally brush yours, he decides it’s all the same — it doesn’t really matter what sort of gravity is at work here, as long as it keeps bringing him down closer to you.

“Shut up about the game and kiss me, Eddie.”

He doesn’t have to be told twice.

The kiss is as sweet as ever. A comfortable dance that still sends shivers down his spine. If either of you looked closer at his arms bracketing your shoulders, you’d see the goosebumps raising as you eagerly returned all his affection.

You taste like the chocolates you’d been snacking on during your gaming. You taste like the greatest gift ever given, and he doesn’t care if he’s exaggerating or not. You’re divine — his favorite good morning and his only goodnight.

And he’d say all that, but you’d probably accuse him of trying too hard to be like Astarion. Probably bring up that ridiculous line the character once said about you being made by the Gods, just to ruin him.

You were, though. Made by the Gods, specifically to ruin Eddie. Fuck the game.

“You know,” he whispers against your lips, breaking for air as he adjusts positions. Your thighs open up and welcome him home, letting him slot right between your legs comfortably. He’s not trying to seduce you, but he can’t even be mad about it. He feels like a starved man now that your attention has been divided as of late, “If you wanted a lover who bites, all you had to do was ask, darling.”

If you weren’t so wrapped up in the kisses he was pressing down your jaw and along your neck, you would have ripped him to shreds for the awful impersonation.

But you’re already far gone, lost in his touches and his adorations. You let the half-assed attempt at a British accent slide, and you even bare your neck to him at the minute threat.

Biting had never been off the table, per se, and Eddie was really fucking glad for it.

When he presses one, two, three greedy kisses to that sweet spot just below your ear, he has one intention in mind. Not his usual sucking and nipping and soothing, not leaving behind one of his ordinary love bites. No, he lets himself get caught up in the moment, and when he catches that quiver of excitement the moment he drags his teeth over your neck carefully, he’s fully committed to his decision.

He bites.

Not hard enough to draw blood, or even be terribly painful. He knows it’s nothing like the game or any of your subsequent fantasies you might have had from it. His canines are fairly dull, even as they dig carefully into the skin of your neck, holding for a moment for effect. But your legs tighten around his hips, and he almost wishes he was a damn vampire, able to actually pierce your skin in the moment. Drink your blood. Whatever the allure was with the origin companion.

You let out a soft gasp which has him keeping your skin between his teeth a few extra seconds, and then he’s letting go. Lifting his head and looking into your eyes, a silent exchange of is this okay?

If the glazed over look is anything to go off of, it’s more than okay.

He returns with reckless abandon, switching between his usual desperate kisses and the newer, sharper ones. He has one goal in mind: to mark you up as his, to the point in which you’ll be scolding him in the morning. It’s like a drug, to feel you writhe beneath him as he paints the picture.

Love notes of freshly born bruises, the imprints of his teeth – a letter across your delicate skin that reads, he was here, and he loved you, more than anyone else in this Universe may ever be capable of.

“If I had known how much biting would rile you up, I would’ve started doing it ages ago,” he mumbles into the crook of your neck, finally pausing his assault.

He settles for softer presses of his lip, peppering the affection where he had been a bit more violent.

Your hands that had taken to tangling into the curls at the nape of his neck have gone more relaxed, no longer tugging but instead just lingering. Pulling him closer. Touching him with softer hands than he’s ever felt deserving of.

“Guess you’ve got a certain vampire to thank for that,” you tease, but he can hear just how breathless he’s left you. He had sworn he could feel the pulse of your facing heart beneath his lips, even if just for a moment. Even if he just imagined it.

“Please. Astarion is not getting the credit for that,” he scoffs, lifting up onto his elbows again to just look at you. His lover, his favorite person. It’s nice to see your face when it’s not washed over with the cast of a computer screen. “That was all me. And even if it wasn’t, I won’t forget that you had a Twilight phase.”

Your hand quickly drops between the two of you, only to smack at his chest. The thump holds no weight as you whine, “I told you that in confidence.”

He dips down, capturing one last kiss, “It’s okay, baby. It’s good to know that you have a type.”

“I do not-”

He cuts you off with a more playful bite to your neck. Less about marking you, and more just to make a point.

“Just,” another nip, “admit,” another graze of his teeth, “it.”

You’re fighting a smile when he looks down at you again, impossible to hide behind your mask of annoyance. “I am not admitting that I have a thing for broody, pathetic vampires.”

“Well, I’ve got broody and pathetic down-”

“Eddie,” your thighs still bracket him, one hand still clinging to the back of his neck. When you say his name, the game is over. “We can spend all night bickering over the fictional men I love, or you can give me a reason to forget their names. It’s up to you.”

His eyebrows jump up his forehead, and he’s just about to give up the bit, but not before one last snide remark.

“Kind of hard to do that when I share a name with one of them, but as you wish, sweetheart.”

Another bout of beautiful laughter from him. Another smack on the chest from you. It’s good – it’s everything Eddie has ever wanted, and it is good.

He does, of course, make you forget their names. And if you find it difficult to get out of bed the next moment, dramatically unable to make the walk to your gaming computer, well – he won’t try to hide his smug smile in between the soft rays of morning light.

eddie's taglist: @capricornrisingsstuff @thisisktrying @hideoutside @vol2eddie @corrcdedcoffin @ches-86 @alovesongtheywrote @its-not-rain @feralchaospixie @cheesypuffkins87 @thebook-hobbit @babez-a-licious @eddies-acousticguitar @aysheashea @kellsck @cosmorant @billyhvrgrove-main @micheledawn1975 @eddiesxangel @siriuslysmoking @witchwolflea @tlclick73 @magicalchocolatecheesecake @mizzfizz @nanaminswhore @mikiepeach @ali-r3n @hawkebuckley @alwaysbeenfamous @darkyuffie-blog @vintagehellfire @lilmisssiren @elvendria @loveryanax @stylexrepp @princessstolas @fangirling-4-ever @eddiesguitarskills @babez-a-licious @josephquinnsfreckles

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#my writing #ghost's stories #eddie munson #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fluff #this is truly the dumbest thing i've ever written #i almost made it into proper smut but couldn't take the end seriously i'm sorry

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hrh-prince-butt · 9 months

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alex and henry plan to dress up as barbie and ken for an upcoming costume party, but they can't seem to agree on who should be barbie and who should be ken...

(hello this is possibly the dumbest thing i've ever written, and i have no regrets, it was so much fun to write)

“You can’t deny the Kenergy, babe.”

“You’re right,” Henry shoots back. “I can’t. And if anyone has it, it’s you.”

Alex crosses his arms and glares stubbornly at Henry. Henry glares right back, just as goddamn stubborn. Looks like they’re in a stalemate.

There was no argument that they absolutely had to dress up as Barbie and Ken for their couples costume this year. It had practically been telepathically agreed upon before they even left the cinema. Apparently, the hard part is agreeing on who should dress up as who.

Alex had thought it was obvious that he should be Barbie. But when he brought up speculations about his costume - should he copy an outfit from the movie or figure out something of his own? - Henry had frowned and said he thought he was supposed to be Barbie.

“Just face it, sweetheart,” Alex says, patting Henry on the shoulder. “You are clearly the Ken to my Barbie.”

Henry huffs. “How am I the Ken to your Barbie?”

“Well.” Alex leans back on the couch and gestures to himself. “I’m the successful career person, and you are my hot blond accessory. Obviously.”

“Unbelievable,” Henry says. He sounds genuinely offended. “David, are you hearing this?” David the Beagle lifts his head lazily at the sound of his name, but finding no imminent threat and no promise of treats, he goes back to napping on the couch.

“All this time,” Henry goes on, and Alex can tell he’s really amping up the theatrics now, probably working up to a dramatic monologue of some kind. “I thought you liked me because of my intelligence, my wit. I thought I was more than just a pretty face, but no. Apparently I’m just some attractive himbo boytoy to you. Utterly unbelievable.”

He punctuates this absolute scene with a very undramatic bite of chocolate chip cookie. This batch is his third attempt, and Alex has to admit they aren’t terrible. They are overbaked and therefore rock hard - Henry’s annoyed chewing can probably be heard halfway down the street - but they’re already miles better than the last batch. Alex thinks it best not to speak of the last batch.

“I can’t believe you just called yourself a ‘himbo boytoy’.” Alex is wheezing with laughter, and Henry’s stubborn chewing, his failing attempt to look dramatically offended while crunching on a cookie the texture of a brick, only makes it harder to stop laughing. “Those are your words, not mine.”

He deigns not to mention that while he has been busy with important law shit all week, Henry has been busy baking cookies. And being really bad at it. That’s definitely Kenergy.

Henry sighs and washes down the remains of the tragic cookie with tea. “You’re not seeing my vision, love. You would really make an excellent Ken. And I would make an excellent Barbie.”

“Damn,” Alex says. “We must already be in Barbie’s Dreamhouse because… uh. Keep dreaming.”

“That… was a truly terrible comeback.”

Alex sighs. “Yeah. They can’t all be winners.”

Henry nods gravely. “I’d say this proves my point. You’re Ken, and I’m Barbie.”

It most definitely does not prove anything. “If you’re Barbie,” Alex says, “then you’re definitely Depression Barbie watching the Pride & Prejudice movie like a million times.”

Henry apparently doesn’t have a response to that except indignant spluttering. Alex laughs so hard he wakes up David. He almost falls off the couch laughing when Henry responds with: “How dare you, I am clearly Irrepressible Thoughts of Death Barbie!”

Then they’re both laughing, while David watches them in utter confusion.

“Alright,” Alex says once he has calmed down. “Fair enough. But we can’t both be Barbie!”

“Why not, though?” Henry counters.

“It’s a couples costume!”

“Well,” Henry says. “Two Barbies can love each other! It’s the 21st century!”

Alex tries to sigh but it comes out as more laughter. “Yeah, yeah,” he says. “Gay rights for Barbie or whatever. But two Barbies won’t be as recognizable as a couples costume. People will just think we’re two people who independently decided to dress up as Barbie!”

“Alright.” Henry picks up his phone. “I’m settling this once and for all.”

“What? Who are you calling?”

That question is quickly answered. The dial tone only rings twice before the call goes through, and Pez’s voice fills the living room. “Well, if it isn’t my second favourite disgraced royal. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Henry wastes no time on niceties. “Pez. Out of Alex and me, who is Barbie and who’s Ken?”

Pez doesn’t even take a moment to consider it. He just says, “Darling, you’re definitely Ken.”

Ha! Told you, Alex mouths, his face lighting up in a vindictive grin.

“That is the wrong answer,” Henry tells Pez, whose laughter comes out a little tinny through the phone speakers.

“Oh come on, you know I’m right,” Pez says. “Or perhaps I just really want to see your boyfriend's magnificent arse in that Barbie-pink pantsuit. You know, the one Margot Robbie wears in the film?”

More indignant spluttering from Henry. “Pez, you’re on speaker.”

“Oh good, I hoped I was,” Pez replies. “Hello, Alex! I look forward to seeing your Barbie costume. Do come to me if you need help putting it together. Toodles!"

And then he hangs up. Henry glares at the screen like he can magically will Pez to come back and take his side this time.

“Well, you heard him,” Alex says, not even trying to hide his laughter.

Henry huffs and shoves the phone back in his pocket. “Well, who made him the expert, anyway?”

“Pretty sure you did, when you called to get his opinion. To, you know-” Alex clears his throat and puts on his best Henry impression- “settle this, once and for all.”

Presumably at a loss for words, Henry picks up another cookie and, with considerable effort, bites into it. There’s nothing more to say, anyway. They both know Alex has won.

“Besides,” Alex says, holding up his phone to show Henry the transaction on the screen. “I already ordered the “I am Kenough” hoodie in your size, sweetheart.”

#yes this is very silly and i was having a lot of fun when writing it aksdhj #i think they Would be overly dramatic about barbie for no reason actually #rwrb #red white and royal blue #firstprince #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor

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ven0moir · 11 months

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As someone who's been obsessively analyzing ST for about a year now, it makes me so sad that the only thing keeping me at 99% certainty of Byler being endgame is the fear that we might get queerbaited.

It pains me that if Will was a girl, I would have 0 doubt left. Especially because with all of the evidence there is to back up the writers INTENTIONS (yes, they 100% intended to queercode both Mike AND Will at this point), if Byler isn't endgame then that means the Duffers INTENTIONALLY queerbaited us. In the year 2025.

And then I circle back on this thought and think ... why would they queerbait? Why would they specifically use Byler to do so? If they wanted to draw in an LGBT audience it would've been as easy as given Will a different love interest in Lenora and confirm him queer in that way. Why would they so meticulously and elaborately write a queer slowburn friends to lovers only to queerbait in the end?

I know some Milkvans are COUNTING on this, they are HOPING this is all queerbait because THEY SEE THE SIGNS as well, they're just refusing to accept it. Of course I fear they're right deep down, but do I actually think, if I go about this logically, that the Duffers would do something so ... anticlimactic? When they've described S5 as 'S1 and S4 on steroids'?

When it comes to the romances, Byler IS the big shock. The biggest surprise. Because whether Nancy chooses Steve or Jonathan or remains single, we know Nancy's options, we're just waiting to see who or what she chooses.

But most of the GA does not even see Byler as a real possibility. Hell, some of them haven't even picked up on Will liking Mike (yes, even after the painting, I've seen some people still debate this and some straight up thinking Will likes El).

And yet when you rewatch the show after considering Byler as a possibility, it becomes SO OBVIOUS. It is the perfect plot twist when it comes to Mike and Will. And I wouldn't be on board with Byler if Milkvan was written in a way that truly showed they loved each other, were compatible and thought of each other as an equal. As someone going into S4 as part of the GA, I was expecting that S4 would finally, FINALLY make me ship Milkvan because I am sorry but I picked up on that Born Sexy Yesterday bs since S1 and I did NOT like them romantically, not at that point. I wished they had been a slowburn friends to lovers that got together in like S3 or something, but even if they felt forced and rushed as fuck I was still willing to allow myself to be swayed into liking them later on. And that never happened, instead S4 presented Will as a potential love interest for Mike and I was SEATED. I was SO DONE with milkvan's drama.

When it comes to romance, it would be the dumbest writing decision I've ever seen in my life not to get Mike and Will together. And I know the Duffers might not be perfect but they cannot be THIS dumb when they grew up loving Dawson's Creek. There is no way that show did more for its gay character in 1998 than the Duffers potentially could in 2025 let's be for real.

#byler #this is just me rambling honestly kind of trying to asuage my own byler doubt

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0junemeatcleaver0 · 7 months

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62 for the drabbles

hello and welcome to what is definitively the dumbest thing i've ever written--hope you needed a laugh, anon

"I warned you, he warned you--" Benji points to Marius emphatically, "even your freaking mother warned you!"

"He listens to no one." Gabrielle mutters, mud-caked sole of her boot propped carelessly on the top of the meeting table. All decorum is gone from the room--there's no further need for pretense.

"I'd just love to know," Pandora interjects, "Why you're making such a big deal of it."

"Because it is theft!" Lestat spits angrily.

"Have you not enough money? What does it matter to you?" Marius looks to be on the verge of a migraine despite his body's inability to be anything other but infallible.

"It is the principal of the thing!" Lestat advocates for himself. "I've been robbed--"

"Of all dignity." Armand quips, earning titters from the room.

"--electronically robbed!"

"I don't think you can truly claim that when it was you who lost all track of your phone." Sevraine debates.

"Is there nothing to be done?" Louis pipes up.

"I've already called the credit card company on Lestat's behalf." Benji rolls his eyes and mutters, "You're all worse than a bunch of Boomers."

"I quite like that term. Boomer." Gregory muses. "I think that's what those DJs should be called."

"Which DJs?" Benji's brow furrows as he pulls his own phone from his pocket in response to its buzzing.

"Those ones, you know...They play that music that is all bleeps and then gets quiet and then starts booming."

"Are you talking about Dubstep? When the hell have you heard dub--" Benji's question dies on his tongue. He glares at his phone for so long that the whole room pauses, turning to look at him one by one.

"What is it?" Louis inquires.

"My liege," Benji says sarcastically, his gaze locking onto Lestat, "Seems as though you have bigger fish to fry than simple credit card fraud."

"Oh, what now?!" Lestat slams his fist onto the table, dislodging some dry mud from the bottom of his mother's boot.

"Oh, nothing. It's just that whoever stole your phone has now leaked your nudes."

#talk hard #ficlet #chateau shenanigans

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90363462 · 1 year

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Is There Such A Thing As A 'Sexual Soulmate'?

Trust me, there's so much more to it than what meets the eye, chile.

Shellie R. Warren

Dec. 03, 2021 06:06PM EST

Let me just say, before we deep dive into this particular topic, that I'm pretty sure that it's not going to go in the direction that a lot of you think that it's going to. In fact, the inspiration for this piece came from a series of conversations that I've had with a male friend of mine who is in one of the dumbest (meaning it's counterproductive, so not what he truly wants or needs and is proving to be a total waste of time, even as we speak) relationships ever. So, why is he in it? I would say about 70 percent of the reason is because he and his girlfriend have, what he calls, some really amazing sex. What brought me to this conclusion? It's because when he's complaining and I ask him why he stays, something about the sex almost always comes up. I mean, always.

Listen, I will be the first one in this class to say that you can easily confuse great sex with a solid relationship (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners," "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner," and "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be"). I will also say that there comes a time in all of our lives when we have to learn what the difference is. And that's where the subject of sexual soulmates comes in. So, if you've ever wondered if such a term exists and/or if you've ever truly had one before, I'm gonna take a few moments to share a little food for thought.

First Up: Disney and Rom-Coms LIED to You

Before we get into the sex part, let's talk about soulmates first. Y'all, if there are two things that irk the entire mess outta me, it's when folks talk about following their heart (when the Bible says to do the exact opposite — Jeremiah 17:9-10) and when folks just toss "love" and "soulmate" around. Just because someone makes your heart and/or body feel good, that doesn't mean they are your soulmate. Not by a long shot. For one thing, a soulmate's purpose isn't really about giving you butterflies all of the time; that's simply what Disney and chick flicks want you to think. If you really want to take the "grown approach" to having a soulmate, they are someone who helps you to become a better version of yourself. And sometimes? Sometimes that is going to be uncomfortable. Sometimes, you're gonna be challenged like a mug. Sometimes, you're probably not going to like your soulmate very much. Doesn't matter though, because, unlike any other person, they are able to help you along your journey in some very powerful and incomparable ways.

Yeah. I already know. You've probably heard that a soulmate is like a mirror reflection of you; that you are so drawn to them because they are like another version of yourself. Eh. And why am I so firm that it's not this, in spite of how many Google links say otherwise? Because I've looked deeper into certain words that are connected to it. This brings me to my next point.

Are You Familiar with What a Bashert Is?

Something that I've been super fond of for many years now is Hebrew culture. The Scriptures were originally written in Hebrew. My name is Hebrew; it means "Mine; Belonging to Me" (meaning God) and it's such a rich culture (one that has gotten super whitewashed but that's another topic for another time). And so, the more I learn about it, the more enlightened I become. Take the Yiddish (interestingly enough, a language that was used by Jews in Europe before the Holocaust) word "bashert," for example. It means "soulmate" which translates into "destiny."

Because I work so much in the area of relationships, folks ask me often if I believe that we've all got one person who we're destined to be with. Personally, I do believe that there is a "one best" (who most people are too impatient or not tapped into the purpose of relationships enough to recognize/accept); however, realistically, you can probably be married to at least 100 other people on this planet and live a pretty good life (I venture to say that most marriages are an example of this). I also discern that it's important for people to remember that when you're picking a person, you're also picking a life path. And that's why the word "destiny" is so important because, it's not just about things being predestined for you; it's also about your fortune and one definition of fortune is "a power or force, often personalized, regarded as being responsible for human affairs." In other words, your bashert ultimately is a driving force who plays a role in how your daily life is lived. And y'all, that's a pretty big deal.

That's why I'm not a huge fan of the flippant attitude behind casual sex. For one thing, I know what "casual" means (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'"), and secondly, life is too short and too precious to be out here just giving our heart and parts to folks who can literally reroute our destined paths. So again, before getting into what a sexual soulmate is, first ponder what a bashert is. Then build upon that with this next point.

What Is the Purpose of a Soulmate?

Next up. Twin flames. While both it and bashert (and soulmate, really) can all get articles of their own, probably the short-long of this definition is it's when one soul (check out "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul") is dwelling in two people. What I like about twin flames is they complement the responsible perspective of a soulmate pretty well because they are considered to be someone who challenges and heals you, almost at the same time.

What are some signs that you've encountered a twin flame? You complement each other well. You both want to see the other evolve. You both bring each other closer to fulfilling your lives' purpose (if you are caught up in someone who is hindering you from purpose fulfillment, that IS NOT a twin flame, sis). There is typically quite a bit of intensity (not drama, but intensity) between the two of you. Life seems to bring you back to each other, one way or another, kinda like a form of serendipity (not because you're forcing it to happen either; it's more like a series of coincidences). The connection feels very sacred; divine even. And, perhaps most importantly, twin flames help you to learn how to love yourself, usually better than anyone else has in your entire life.

When you let all of this really sink in, soulmates and twin flames are basically the opposite sides of the same coin. Romance isn't really the (ultimate) point of either one. Personal growth and progress, while being in a safe space…is. With this in mind, let's get into what a sexual soulmate is, shall we?

From a Holy Book Perspective, Your Sexual Soulmate Is Your Spouse

It's no secret that all three major holy books say that sex is for marriage. A part of the reason is because sex isn't just a profound pleasure; sex is a HUGE responsibility and when you're in a dynamic where someone has fully committed to you, you tend to feel more at ease to trust, to give your all, to thrive. At the same time, I also know that not all people subscribe to a religion (check out "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone"); still, I do think that it should go on record that if you factor in all of what I just said about soulmates, basherts, and twin flames if there is a common thread among them all, it's that a soulmate has a spiritual component and a profound effect on a person. And you know what? So does sex.Oxytocin alone speaks to that; that's why it's got the nickname, "the love hormone." Yep, just sleeping with someone can make you feel bonded by them because this natural hormone elevates in your system. So, just imagine how much more this intensifies when there is a mental, emotional, and spiritual connection there too.

That's why, I do believe that when you take in the purpose of a soulmate, bashert, and twin flame when it comes to who your sexual soulmate ultimately is, it's probably your spouse.

They might not be the best you've ever had (in bed). They might require some sexual adjusting to (check out "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation"). Yet still, if it's all about bettering you as an individual, the person you share life with and (in most sexual agreements) only have sex with? How could they not, as time progresses, become your ultimate sexual soulmate? The two of you are becoming one and consistently participating in an act that makes that possible (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important," "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex," "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through," "8 Sex-Related Questions To Ask Your Spouse ASAP" and "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage")? So yeah, that's a huge part of the reason why I've come to this resolve.

From a Broader Perspective, a Sexual Soulmate Impacts Your Life — Even Outside of the Bedroom

So, what if you're not married, you're divorced or you have absolutely no intentions of ever jumping any broom? Does that mean you can't — or have never had — a sexual soulmate before? Remember how I said earlier that I do believe there is a best for you and then there are 100 others that you can build a solid life with? Again, the commitment that a spouse makes, both in and out of the bedroom to their partner, yes, qualifies them to be a soulmate of sorts, even sexually. However, I do also believe that there can be people who still reveal some really deep things to you about yourself, who you have a really strong connection with, who teaches you how to love yourself quite deeply, in a way that others cannot — and a part of it came from being sexually involved with them.

Because I'm not married (yet), I have yet to have the peak sexual soulmate experience. However, there is a guy from my past who — whew. While I was initially involved with him, I thought it was all about how in sync we were sexually (never get two Geminis in the same room, chile. It's something fierce!). Looking back, though, he came at a time when I had recently lost my fiancé, he listened, he affirmed, he helped me to see the situation and who I was becoming due to it in a way that no one else was quite capable of doing. And although he was (and continues to be) fine and some mo' fine, I get that the sex was so passionate and satisfying because I felt a connection deeper than just the physical act. And to this day, when I think back on my sex life, he is someone who I have very little regret. He is someone who I still think fondly of. He is someone who cultivates a lot of inner peace.

Yeah, that's something else to keep in mind about sexual soulmates. Let the media have its way and you'll think that if you and someone are tearing each other's clothes off one day and then acting out some version of a crazy Lifetime movie the next, for months or even years on end, the two of you must be sexual soulmates.

Chile, a soulmate — a true one — is a blessing and benefit NOT an addiction or obsession. Being a-dick-ted doesn't make someone your soulmate. However, if you know, that you know that you know, that you can directly associate what happens in the bedroom with how you're shifting, for the better, outside of it and you've never really quite been able to say that about anyone else before, you just might be onto something. Real talk.

This topic could be a series. I just wanted to make sure that in a world that wants to cheapen sex at every turn, that we all remember that the act can — and should — go so much deeper than the surface. A sexual soulmate can be a really beautiful thing…so long as you keep it in its proper perspective. Your body is precious, so please make sure that you do.

For more love and relationships, sex tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.

Featured image by Getty Images

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People Who Believe in a Sexual 'Soulmate' Have Worse Sex, Study ... ›

There Is No Such Thing As a Sexual Soulmate ›

Soul Connection: 12 Types Of Soul Mates & How To Recognize Them ›

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11 Signs You've Found Your Sexual Soulmate ›

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theworldssmallestgiant · 9 months

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Hello! Friendly reminder from a jew that holocaust comparisons are pretty antisemitic. It was its own thing. The us' current anti gay biases are not in any way genocidal. Only a very few american christian wackos want gay people killed, and they're a decided minority. Mass murder has nothing to do with and cannot be or compared to a doctor moving a few hundred miles.

Answer me questions. When did nazis first start gaining cultural and electoral steam? When did they first gain actual power? And when were the first death camps operates?

1927.

1933. (Many laws were written and throats were slit for 5 years, until...)

1938. (Camps had been opened earlier but they didn't start the industrialized murder until later.)

You, an American, are in the 1927 to 1938 section of this coming apocalypse. And you know this, since you asked anon, like a dickless, fascist coward. You are either truly, startling stupid or you're an obvious troll trying to waste time. But I've got time, cowboy.

Jews weren't the only ones killed, so we're gays, trans and the disabled. IN FACT germany's open examination of gender and sexuality in the late 20s (they had the largest library of transgender studies in the world at the time, you know, before all those wonderful book banning and book burnings happened - fuck, does that sound familiar?)

The Christian conservative backlash against these gender studies and gender reassignment surgeries was fuelled by "protecting the children from degenerates" fuck, doesn't that sound familiar too? These bigotries were in fact the lynch pin of nazi rhetoric in the early days and lead to their early rise to power. And lead to those book burnings. And then, the jews and then, the holocaust.

So let's examine 3 possibilities here.

If you are what you claim to be, you're the stupidest fucking jew in the history of the world. One so blind to their own history and threats as to be laughable. Because, here you are, denying the VERY thing that lead to the holocaust last time.

You're not a jew but not a nazi and you're just scared by reality and a victim of yanks right wing education that leaves you as the dumbest people since the Roman upper classes stopped drinking from lead cups. And you think "no, these people are good and confronting my own privileged bullshit is hard so it's actually the other person who is racist."

You're damn well aware of what's going. And you want it to happen. And you know I'm right and you're just waiting for your opportunity to strike but you want to waste people's time.

Either way, no. EVERY german who was an adult in 1936 should've been gunned down and buried in an unmarked grave. Either they directly did the holocaust. Directly supported it. Denied it was happening. Made excuses. Or they were bitch ass cowards who refused to fight. And none of them that did it were in a majority. The majority stood and watched. The majority denied. The majority took it. The majority thought it was sad but didn't think about it. It only took very few to make this happen. Nazis only ever got 35% of the vote

After all, Only a very few German christian wackos want gay people killed, and they're a decided minority.

Learn, or fuck off. I know what I'm talking about and I know what side I'm on.

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thegoldenlily · 9 months

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2, 3 and 9 💚

2)What fanfic do you wish you got more response on?

I'm grateful and happy to see any interactions with my writing but if I had to choose, right now I'd probably say The Dishcloth (lmao okay so idk why because it's the dumbest oneshot ever but it makes me laugh so!) and Just Kids

3)What’s a fic idea that you have but haven’t written yet?

This is maybe cheating because I wrote a tiny bit of it and tried to actually write the full thing but it just doesn't seem right, so. Yeah. It's this one:

Adrian's eyes felt as heavy as his heart. He laid his head on the pillow, unsure of how it even got there. He did not recognize the yellow paint on the walls, or the clashing furniture he'd purchased second-hand.

He wasn't sure if he was even truly here anymore. He floated above everything, outside of himself. He felt the warmth of the sun caress his skin. A familiar purple danced behind his eyes. "Don't leave me, Sage," he mumbled to the twirling colours.

"I won't."

9) What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written?

Ahh this is my favourite question from the list!! I have more than one answer but I'll share this one from an Adrian spirit fic I wrote:

She tells me to use more, more, more. And each time I do, I lose more and more and more. More of myself.

I don't think I'll ever get it back. I am drowning.

Drowning in the endless bottles.

Drowning in myself.

Drowning in the ocean.

The waves are too strong and I've gone numb.

She pushes me down further under the water, and I am not sure if I will make it back to the surface this time.

#ask games #thanks Emma #i love these things

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payidaresque · 2 years

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Exactly Eda messed up her whole show and we just weren't able to recover. I mean the show was salvaged by Ali at the end (so great full for him) but unfortunately she caused a lot of damage. It's common amongst Turkish shows that they all start off well but somewhere the writer just messes it all up. I've watched this happen countless of times unfortunately. Siyah beyaz ask, uckurus, erkenci kus, hercai and just so many other shows were ruined by dumb storylines.

It's a damn shame because with the right screenwriter I'm sure Aziz could have come back stronger. The highest ratings the show had was when Azef were getting closer so its not like the audience wasn't interested in the couple etc.

I definitely think they pulled the plug because Murat wasn't interested in the script. He is the show and losing him would mean the next season wouldn't survive anyway. You cant blame an established actor like him to go along with a dumb script. He already did it in season one 🤣

Lol I watched a few clips online of Damlas acting and honestly I wasn't amazed. There were also scenes in Aziz that I felt like she over did it or just cringe (lol I won't say which ones). I'm glad for one thing which is that Simay got the admiration she deserved for her role as Efnan. She was literally holding her own against legends such as Firat tenis (pierre) and obviously Murat.

Please don't apologise for being upset. Shows we love ending abruptly is always a tough thing to go through ❤️ and as much as it ended abruptly I think it would have been worse watching them ruin a beautiful couple in season 2 which seemed to be the plan.

I think the show was a good, strong adaptation with a solid story and good written backgrounds (except for Dilruba — that character was horrible and shallow from the very start with no actual puprose whatsoever besides getting Aziz back), MUCH BETTER than the original source (Poldark) which is a very rare thing to happen, JUST before Eda decided to pull her shit out while obviously being in a horrendous fever (no one in their right mind would wrote THAT... and everyone who approved that just as dumb and incomitent as she is). And DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HERCAI, i personally think this is one of the dumbest shows i've ever seen AND YET it had the privilage of getting a proper ending and last for 3 fucking seasons (for whatever crazy reason there was). And then we have Aziz, that had every chance to become a hit IF it had the right people working on it, ending up like this. Do i think that's fair? HELL NO. Although i do believe ATV have different policy regarding cancelling a show so that played a huge part as well, but still

I really believe the ratings started dropping just as soon as Eda had A FUCKING GENIUS IDEA to make Adem & Dilruba live under the same roof with Azef and Dilruba making eyes at Aziz all the time and playing the victim. I seriously don't understand why would someone do that to their own show. Don't you want your work to suceed?

lol honestly, to me every 2nd scene with Dilruba was bad 💀 She was treated like a freaking ping-pong ball, swinging back and forth between trying to be a good person and a total bitch, and i don't get the reason behind it and i almost feel sorry that Damla had to play her, NO actor should ever be able to play such an awful character, even if your own abilities are far from extraordinary. Aziz was trully a time to shine for Simay, i really hope her career's gonna make big turns for good, she deserves it. Actually, i think Simay is the only one who actually benifited from the show in terms of career and is truly recognized now for her talent

I know it was better to end the show this way than watch it ruining itself with each new episode, it's the wasted potential that hurts me the most, so many questions left unanswered, and the characters didin't get a chance to truly grow (especially Efnan, Adem and Maksude) and fully demonstrate what they're capable of, and i will never forgive The Big Bosses for that. They all were treated so poorly, none of them deserve it. Especially when the bosses HAD every opportunity to make things right, they just slept on it on purpose

#answered #aziz #aziz whining

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glitchysquidd · 3 years

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Sexualities!(And More!)

A good chunk of you all wanted the variants sexualities so here they are,plus extra info :)

Part one is here.

Next(For when more come around)

Check it out below!^^

Spritz!Ink:

Sexualities: Asexual,and Panromantic.

Pronouns: Any,usually he/them though.

Height: 3'6ft

Good Trait: He's incredibly athletic,and great at gymnastics. Along with being incredibly flexible,these all help dodge attacks swiftly and easily while in fights,though his smallness also helps with narrow obstacles.

Bad Trait: Gets it caught up with his curiosities,easily distracted by an interesting person,or something pretty looking.

"Why can't you trust an artist? Because they are shady…a little sketchy.. and they’ll try to frame you. PHHHT-- HUE HUE HUE! GET IT?!"~Spritz's Quote

STITCH!ERROR:

Sexualities: Aromantic.

Pronouns: He/Him

Height: 6'9ft

Good Trait:...He cares a lot about Dollberry. And can manage to keep a calm demeanor.(when Spritz isn't around)

Bad Trait: Being mostly blind in his right eye it throws him off when someone comes at him from that direction,though he's nearsighted so he doesn't see well in general.

"I d-d0 a-a-a th4nkless j0b! Heheh, j-just cleaning 0-0ut the g4rbage,I-I d0n't care a-ab0ut anything 3lse." ~Stitch's Quote

Brushwork!Airbrush(Co-Owned):

In a relationship with Frisk.(⚠️not frans⚠️)

Is a Child so don't be nasty.

Sexualities:Asexual,and Panromantic.

Pronouns:He/They

Height: 5'5ft

Good Trait: He's not judgemental,a pretty curious,and creative monster,he enjoys abstract art.

Bad Trait:He bottles up emotions which can lead to a overflowing pool of emotions,he releases them when he's alone. His daddy issues definitely don't help either.

"One of the dumbest things I've ever heard is that I couldn't paint on stones. Why? Because they were owned! You can't just own big stones with cool stories written on them,that's bullshit." ~Brushwork's Quote

Funky!Fresh:

Sexualities: Grayromantic,and bicurious.

Pronouns: He/Him

Height: 6ft

Good Trait: He's a great friend to the ones he 'cares' about,he loves doing pranks with Brushwork and Frisk.Recently hanging out with Imp a lot,it makes him happier.

Bad Trait: His påŕæ§îtə-(Has None Yo,He be Perfect!😁)[ERROR MISSING BADTRAIT.TXT,HAS BEEN DELETED.]

"Wassup Broskis!👈😎👈 Remember dat yo r all up n' awesome possum,Dawg!🤗"~ Funky's Quote

Mesmer!Dream:

Sexualities: Bisexual,and Genderfluid.

Pronouns:Any,or depending on how their feeling.

Height:5'4

Good Trait: He's very light weighted! Being made of light does weird things,like being overly happy or excited makes him float,but usually he can control it,he didn't develop this until he turned 15.

Bad Trait: Insomnia,at the worse times it causes him to be easily distracted and tired,however it also causes him to get heavier. There's plenty of bad side affects from this Trait,you'll see them overtime.

"I couldn't save or protect my home,so I'll do so for the Multiverse instead. Home to many many others." ~Mesmer's Quote

Midnight!Nightmare:

Sexualities: Homosexual,and demisexual.

Pronouns: He/Him

Height: Varies between 4'0ft,5'11ft,and 8'0ft tall.(based on the amount of magic he has)

Good Trait: He cares for his own. No one will get away with hurting his own,and no one will take them from him. His over-possessiveness can come at a cost however.

Bad Trait: Incredibly egotistical,not as bad as Stitch,but he see's himself as a king,someone who is loyalty and must be respected. Hates nicknames and being called his name by others he thinks are below him.

"Mon chéri,your negativity is apsolutely scrumptious. A fine meal your pain and depression are to me,truly...Ah,don't you worry,it'll all be over soon." ~Midnight's Quote

Blade!Killer:

Sexualities: Bisexual,but more attracted to masculinity.

Pronouns: Any but usually He/Him.

Height: 5'6ft

Good Trait: He's still that old Sans he used to be deep down,though it's a rare occurrence to see it come out. Despite that he's caring in his own odd way.

Bad Trait: Soul is always exposed,and it's a sensitive topic,though he hates his physically changes from who he used to be. He never looks back on the past,and bottles those feelings up,he's extremely well at hiding it all.

"I like big boys, itty bitty boys,Mississippi boys, inner city boys,I like the pretty boys with the bow tie!~🎶 Also did you know humans go into a thing called hypovolemic shock if too much blood volume is lost? Cool right!? Heheheheh!" ~ Blade's Quote

Dollberry:

Sexualities: Panromantic.

Pronouns:He/They

Height:2'3

Good Trait: He's full of energy and extremely loyal. He gave up his past happy life to stay and keep Stitch company,despite leaving his brother,he doesn't regret staying.

Bad Trait: He is altruistic,this isn't great. Although a heroic trait and very brave one at that as well,him being a doll made of cloth,and strings doesn't make him very sturdy.

"Stitch is pretty cool! I know he hurts people and he thinks it's good and that it's his job. However I believe he has the soul to change! He's a great buddy." ~Dollberry's Quote

Raven!Reaper:

Sexualities: Bisexual.

Pronouns: He/They

Height: 7'4ft

Good Trait: He's a very caring individual,though he tries to distance himself from those who are mortal. Getting attached to such beings can lead to devastating side effects.

Bad Trait: Blames himself for many bad past memories,keeping these things bottled up and acting perfectly fine with that fake grin.

"GeeEEEEEEEEEEEEENOoO!~🖤" ~Raven's Quote

Rout!Geno:

Sexualities: Pansexual,and Demisexual.

Pronouns:He/Him

Height:5'6

Good Trait: A good brother,he cares a lot for Papyrus or any Papyrus in that case,he loves to pick on his brother and joke around with him. It strikes something in that peice of soul he still has.

Bad Trait: Not in one's right mind,he's still not completely there after all he's gone through,even if it seems as such he has some...moments where you can tell he definitely isn't.

"Oh m'fuckin god,not this guy again. Maybe if I ignore him he'll go away." ~Rout's Quote

Credits:

//Geno belongs to loverofpiggies//

//ErrorSans belongs to loverofpiggies//

//FreshSans belongs to loverofpiggies//

//Airbrush belongs to @adorablemew//

//@adorablemew co-owns Brushwork//

//Killer belongs to Rahafwabas//

//Dreamtale belongs to jokublog//

//Reapertale belongs to Renrink//

//InkSans belongs to comyet//

#undertale au #my art #undertale #the variants #stitch!error #airbrushskele #brushwork!airbrush #brushworkskele #rout!geno #spritz!ink #mesmer!dream #midnight!nightmare #blade!killer #dollberry #sans undertale #raven!reaper #funky!fresh #funky was here👋😎🏳️‍🌈#variant ref

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kawaiijohn · 3 years

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1, 7 for the fic meme?

1. Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.

If it doesn't have ironic comedy or is littered with slow-build horror elements is it really one of my fics?

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Honestly? The entire 3rd chapter of Lethean, Lost is my favorite writing I have ever done- the entire motif with the slowly filling answering machine and Jazz's desperation was honest-to-god heart wrenching for me to write and apparently it fucked a lot of people up.

Here's a snippet!

'Hey it's Danny! Sorry I'm not able to answer right now, but I'll call back or text ya as soon as possible! If it's an emergency call Jazz!' BEEP 'Danny I promise I'm not mad, please just let us know you're safe. It's starting to worry us...even the ghosts are starting to worry.'

Jazz just wanted him home safe. She knew it was asking for a miracle at this point- the statistics of coming back unharmed after 48 hours were not on her side, but she tried not to think about it too much. Instead her mind was trying to focus on another very important problem. Her brother, whether she liked it or not, was Phantom. He kept ghosts from causing chaos in town on a near daily basis, and he'd gone missing too. If none of the ghosts knew where he was? That meant he was truly missing in action. And that was an invitation to cause chaos uninhibited.

Would you believe that I added that while writing notes at work?

Other than that I wanna say this bit from Rewind, Rinse, Repeat was the most fun thing I've ever written.

The small guy just scoffed, grin sharp and eyes wildly staring up at his assailant. “What am I doin’? You should have asked what I’ve already done, asshole!” “Excuse me?” The victim laughed harder, pushing wild white bangs from his forehead. “Well... last night I did your mom, and this morning I did your dad. Tonight I think I might even do your girlfriend. Someone’s gotta make sure she gets pleasured by someone, y’know?” … ‘What did this guy just say? Tell me he didn’t just say what I heard him say…’ The click of a pistol being cocked was the only answer Cassius got to the question. The leader was red, nearly purple in the face. Cassius gasped softly when the barrel of a gun was pushed against the victim’s temple. “What did you fuckin’ say you little twink?” The victim only smiled nervously, putting a hand up in mock surrender. “Woah there, buddy. Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here- All I said was that I had sexual relations with your parents last night- and then said I was gonna do the same to your girl. It’s nothin’ to get all heated over, I'm doin' 'em all a favor if you think about it, knowing you would probably be just so stressful!” he laughed, putting his hands in his pockets. “I mean, unless you're stung because you don’t have a girl. How insensitive of me!! Well, if that’s the case I should apologize- sorry, it’s real uncool of me to assume a girl would ever wanna slob on that knob-” He was speaking a mile a minute, panic well-hidden in his eyes; radioactive green eyes that seemed to lock with Cassius’s for a moment, even though they were well-hidden. The guy even sent a grin their way, peace sign and all; not that the thugs noticed. Okay. This couldn’t be real. Cassius pinched their brow in absolute resignation- this was possibly the dumbest thing they’d ever seen, even if their memory only went as far back as a week and a half. If this guy wanted to die, it was his funeral.

#answered #anonymous #long post #my fic #dantes vibe corner #dp #danny phantom

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silverinia · 3 years

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I came for Baranski, I stayed for Baranski - a quick Christmas On The Square review someone* actually asked for

(* thank you, anon)

Disclaimer: I am in no way a professional of any sorts when it comes to film and I'm not a journalist either. The last movie review I've written was probably for a school assignment in eighth grade. I didn't do research for this and I've watched the movie exactly one time, so this is just for fun.

It was a Sunday, Sunday the 22nd of November, nearing the end of the train wreck of a year that is 2020. I woke up on an air mattress around seven am, my head aching, my throat itching with pyrosis and light nausea, it was still dark outside behind the closed blinds in front of the windows, when I slowly realised where I was, one of my best girlfriends sleeping next to me in her bed. I had crashed at her place after a warm, fuzzy evening of mulled wine, tacky Christmas movies I would never watch alone (Christmas Chronicles and Holiday Calendar, which I quite honestly didn't enjoy at all, but the company made it fun anyway), doing our nails, wearing the fun kind of face masks for a change and smoking too many cigarettes, as the soft pain in my head informed me right now. She woke up an hour later and the morning went by with coffee and reheated pizza for breakfast, when we decided to watch another movie and I realised that it was THE Sunday I'd been waiting for through Zoom interviews and Dolly Parton twitter memes and the infamous wig gate that will be briefly discussed in the following, and so we clicked on the small icon in the Netflix menu that said "Christmas On The Square".

And oh boy, was it a ride.

To start off, I should mention that I have a hard time watching most modern day American Christmas movies, as I noticed quite vividly again when I watched the two aforementioned Netflix productions last night. The character development is always foreseeable to say the least, the plot lines are plain clichés hunting each other like they're the kids in The Hunger Games, and the writing is generally so bad that you can join the actors in reciting the entire scripts on your first watch. I watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas once a year while I'm gift wrapping and pause every fifteen minutes to shamelessly stare at forties Christine Baranski (I think we should all turn away from the birth of Jesus and instead count our years based on Christine Baranski's date of birth) in flamboyant nightgowns and short Christmas themed dresses, looking so fabulous that every interpreter of Santa Baby ever could only dream of it, I watch Love Actually at least five times a year to lust over Hugh Grant, cry with Emma Thompson and miss Alan Rickman, I enjoy Bridget Jones, which I would definitely consider a Christmas movie, and that's it. That's my yearly Christmas time entertainment routine and I can barely tolerate anything beyond, because I'm still traumatised from the time when I was around five years old and on a holiday family visit where had to sit through National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the dumbest movie I have ever seen (my apologies if you like it but also, who hurt you?), with my cousins. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. And it scarred me for life.

But this was a Christine Baranski movie, I knew she was going to play the lead and so I was pretty much as excited about this as I could. And the fact that Dolly Parton wrote the whole thing didn't hurt either. As I said earlier to my friend I was watching it with, I have the pop cultural taste of a fifty year old gay man, a quality I am most proud of, and this simply ticked off all my boxes.

I expected something similar to a Mamma Mia experience that wouldn't cause me to crave packing my bags, give Covid the finger and run off to Greece. Light-hearted entertainment, easy to stomach, uplifting music and so little plot that the simplicity feels like a creative choice. That's what my pained, hungover brain knew it could cope with and that's not what I got.

The movie started and I was immediately in the zone. I saw Christine Baranski's name in the front credits (an experience that never fails to make me scream "Yass Queen" at the screen, regardless of where I am and who I'm with, as if I'm the sobering result that pops out of the package when you order Jonathan Van Ness on Wish), the setting was wonderfully corny (I grew up watching Gilmore Girls once a week, so give me warm fairy lights and a gazebo and I'm perfectly happy) and as my friend wondered whether Dolly Parton, in her exaggerated homeless attire that didn't make her look shabby at all, was green-screened into the setting because she stood out so much (which she was because the background dancers were dancing in slow motion, but to be fair, we were probably still a little too drunk to notice that from the start) and I told her I thought that it was just the natural glow someone who's Dolly Parton simply carries with them everywhere they go, I was happy. This was the movie I was prepared for. A movie in which the most problematic thing would be stereotypical characters and the wig they hid Christine's real, flawlessly handmade by God herself hair under.

And then, around five minutes in, Christine Baranski's childhood love interest was revealed as she pressed her perfect pointy nose against the window of his shop and sang about her unrequited love.

And suddenly, things started taking turns at a pace I was still way too sleep-deprived for.

Suddenly, in the middle of my general amazement at seeing Christine Baranski do literally anything and laughing loud at her impeccable comedic delivery, there were unresolved daddy issues, hanging prominently at the wall in her marvellously designed house (she literally says "Daddy" at one point and I couldn't help but think that only someone with her vocal skills could keep from making it sound cringe-worthily kinky). One moment, I was clutching my chest above my heart while she was bonding with little bartender Violet and munching on pretzels while downing some whiskey in that elegant way only Christine Baranski can bond with ten year olds who had it rough, eat pretzels and down whiskey, and the next she felt responsible for said girl's mother's death (which she kinda was too, but I'm not the boss of her). I was still busy making fun of how the very annoyingly, but when you're snacking on pizza with extra cheese at nine in the morning also highly funny, slow talking pastor's name was Christian, and suddenly there was a cancer scare.

It was a lot, a hasty sprint from major issue to major issue with a hint of comedic relief every now and then, and it didn't get any less until the very, rather poorly resolved, end.

The entire, constant up and down was followed by the movie's peak of suspense, the near death of precious Violet, something I couldn't even get too invested in because I was still so busy worrying about Christine's MRT results (I was truly fucking worried), not to mention that I hadn't even started to really process the sudden revelation of the love child and how it had affected her character's actions until this point. Was her constant tendency of pushing people away, as we've seen most clearly with her angel in training assistant who's name I cannot recall right now, the result of her broken trust in her father who practically ripped her son away from her after she had just given birth to him? Was it a result of her never getting the closure she needed with plaid flannel wearing Carl she was clearly still in love with? Maybe both? And what of the many issues was it that made her so incredibly shaken up when Violet blamed herself for her mother's death? Was it 'just' due to the fact that the closed pharmacy was on her, or was there more to it? Was it because she had grown up without a mother herself? Or did I miss a major piece of information because I was momentarily distracted, dumbfoundedly staring at Christine's very blue eyes? No time to ponder on that, little Silverinia, because here comes unconscious Violet in an ambulance, WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO!

I'm not going to go in depth about what plot lines I thought were especially carelessly handled and why, real standouts were the sudden forgiveness towards her father who had still acted like a shitty asshole even though he might have had his reasons, because giving the baby up for adoption just wasn't his choice to make, and the fact that I kind of didn't buy how quickly Regina managed to forgive herself, especially for Violet's mother's passing, considering how deeply her tall, slim, dare I say angelic and entrancing figure was buried beneath the weight of all her issues. It felt rushed and incomplete, but that's as detailed as it gets because my major point is something else.

I think this movie made the great mistake of trying to be more than your average, flat, happy ending Christmas movie. I think no one involved thought it was possible to make it a big hit if the only real plot would've been great Dolly Parton music, fun ensemble dance choreographies, Christine Baranski's outstanding acting skills, fun settings and costumes and a redemption arch with as little plot as it could possibly take to make Christine likable to those who aren't already lost forever in the rabbit hole of being obsessed with her (poor fuckers, can't relate). They didn't notice that with the legends that were involved, they could've easily gone the Mamma Mia way. And I think that's why they tried to include heavier plot lines than most creators would've chosen, experiencing loss at an early age, struggling to find closure, dealing with sickness, teenage pregnancy, parents forcing their choices on their children when they affect their childrens' lives first, adoption, and the fear of losing your kid.

It was a lot and I don't want to say that it didn't work because my friend was crying, like, pretty hard and I questioned my entire existence all through the movie in not the worst way, and I did enjoy it a lot while watching. The "grief is love with nowhere to go" line was a real standout, for example, where the attempt of complexity DID work. It positively gave me fleabag season two, "I don't know what to do with it now, with all the love I have for her." - "I'll take it. It sounds lovely. You have to give it to me." feels, and that's about the biggest praise I can come up with. BUT (and this is written in capital letters because it's the big but) I'm also totally convinced that I wouldn't have enjoyed it if they hadn't cast Christine Baranski for the lead role. In my humble opinion, the hasty, not really at all resolved plot of this movie only worked because Christine Baranski is just a fantastic actress. She quirks a mocking eyebrow and you laugh. She parts her perfectly painted red lips and you immediately hang on them because you don't want to miss a single breath she, a literal goddess, graces us mere peasants of people with. She smiles and you're happy. She laughs and even while she's still laughing, you can't wait to hear her do it again. Her eyes fill with tears and you feel goosebumps on your arms, her voice slightly trembles, a breath hitches in her throat and you feel your heart shattering to pieces. As Chuck Lorre once said, this woman could read you the phone book and you would end up laughing tears because she just gets the job done. She knows what she's doing, she's an absolute pro in her game, and it doesn't matter, not even a little bit, what she's working with, because the work she eventually delivers with it is always at a minimum of 200%. I forced my friend to watch this movie with me because I adore this woman, and I felt for this movie because I felt for her. It wasn't the plot that sadly brutally overestimated itself, it wasn't the songs that I obviously enjoyed, nor the comedic elements that truly made me laugh a lot, it was all her. I came for Baranski, and I stayed for Baranski. This woman can do anything. She can even look graceful in a terrible wig job.

(side note / unpopular opinion: I actually didn't think the wig was all too bad. It wasn't good, actually far from good, but for me, nothing can match the awful wig game of Mamma Mia 2. I loathed that wig, I absolutely cannot stand it. So this didn't feel all that terrible. It definitely wasn't the most problematic part about the movie.)

I enjoyed watching this. It was a nice distraction from all the bullshit in the world. Watching it today was the first thing this year that actually brought me something close to excitement about the holiday season, even though everything will be very different and probably not quite as jolly this year. But it just gave me good vibes and as someone who did not watch this as a film reviewer, that's the biggest part of what leads me to enjoy a movie.

Will I watch this again? For sure. Will I enjoy it when I'm not hungover, having freshly done nails and munching delicious pizza for breakfast? Probably not as much, but it'll still have Christine Baranski in it. Would I recommend watching this? If you share my obsession with Queen B, one hundo. If you don't, probably not.

#Christine Baranski #Christmas On The Square #dolly parton #shitty movie reviews by yours truly

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