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denndrawings · 1 year

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Thoughts on Frankenstein and the trans experience

Hi! So some months ago I finished my Final Degree Thesis on monsters and the theory behind why queer people tend to relate with them easier than with heroes on the pieces of media that features them and I've been sitting on my thoughts on Frankenstein and how it is a source of identification for both the trans feminine and the transmasculine experience.

My credentials are I'm trans (non binary)! and also I've been researching this for like. Four years. So if you want to read the part of my disertation about Frankenstein and gender (I also have a lot written about otherness, the concept of the monster, queer narratives and vampires but this is not the post for that) you can find it under the cut! (be warned its gonna be long because it's straight up copy-paste from the disertation)

If vampires are a mirror for sexuality, there is little doubt that the “monsters” that haunt gender are Frankenstein and his creature. That is hardly a stretch, since he is an Adam —he calls himself that at one point (Shelley, 1818, p.69), recognizing himself as the creature casted out of the Garden of Eden unfairly by Victor, who is at the same time a creator God and the Eve who rebelled against “natural order” making them both fall out of grace—in a stolen body made out of someone else’s expectations of what a “man” is supposed to look like, how he should act and think and move (how he should perform his gender, that Victor seems so utterly obsessed with, and then devastated about until he became the monster his creator wanted him to be); rejected by the one who created him, forced by society to stay hidden, unable to ever “pass” and misunderstood (Fox, 2017).

There is something interesting about this book, and it is that different sources of identification for both transmasculine and transfeminine people’s experience with gender can be found within it.

On the one hand: the creature, an individual whose creator conceived as “male”. But then again, gender is a performance, gender is something taught (Preciado, 2018, p. 27) and nobody told the creature how to dance to that rhythm. Instead, the creature was explained how the world works through Safie’s feminine lens, listening to the lessons that were given to her about how to behave and understand everything. And then, looking at the image reflected in a pond, the creature realized they were not the same Other because, unlike in hers, beauty will not buy society’s acceptance in that case.

Still, there is an attempt at getting affirmation from the old man of the De Lacey family, the grandfather that, because of his blindness, is not able to see the creature and have prejudices based on the appearance that is offered but only on the words spoken and the kindness shown. But unfortunately, the other De Laceys are sighted individuals —although blind because of their prejudices—, and what they behold is someone far too big and too coarse. A threat.

That is very much the same risk transgender women face when going out as people who may or may not conform to society’s view of gender presentation, because as it has already been demonstrated, transgender people who are perceived as such face much more problems (like bigotry or unequal treatment among many others) than cis or cis-passing people (Dias et all, 2021, p.695), because, just like the creature, they are regarded as less than human, something unnatural and wretched.

On the other hand, Victor Frankenstein: pale, thin, dramatic, and beautifully at the verge of death at every point during the book (Cale, 2018). He would have been such a gorgeous lady of his time…if he had ever been one.

His resemblance to the transmasculine experience is even more tangible than the creature’s, from his obsession with the male figure to the “natural philosophy” that his father disapproved of and that helped him create, with the help of science, a “male” body that destroyed his conection with his family (as homophobic people threaten queernes does to people, being a threat to others, to the community and to oneself (Benshoff, 1997, p.1)).

Long story short, Victor Frankenstein’s inner struggle can be read as that of a transgender man who, facing the rejection of his family and his own internalized prejudices tries to come back and live his life as he normally would have done before realizing about his queerness, but the shadow of the man he has created —the man he is— follows him around throughout his life because as much as he tries to get rid of him, the creature will keep coming back as he is a part of him that he projects as unconnected to him because he refuses to accept it. That last point is clear at the end of the book, because it takes for Victor Frankenstein to die for the creature to do so too.

Bibliography quoted (in order of appearance):

Shelley, M. (1818) Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus. Lackington, Hughes, Harding, Mavor & Jones.

Fox, C. (2017) Why Frankenstein’s Monster Haunts Queer Art. Retrieved June 11, 2022 from New York Times Style Magazine at https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/13/t-magazine/art/frankenstein-monster-queer-art.html

Preciado, P. B. (2018) Countersexual Manifesto, Columbia University Press.

Dias, C. K., da Rocha, L. R. L., Tateo, L., & Marsico, G. (2021) “Passing” and its effects on Brazilian transgender people’s sense of belonging to society: A theoretical study. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 31(6), 609-702.

Cale, J. (2018) Drop Dead Gorgeous: 19th Century Beauty Tips for the Aspiring Consumptive. Retrieved June 12, 2022 at https://dirtysexyhistory.com/2018/05/16/drop-dead-gorgeous-19th-century-beauty-tips-for-the-aspiring-consumptive/

Benshoff, H. M. (1997) Monsters in the Closet: Homosexuality and the Horror Film, Manchester University Press.

#frankenstein #idk how to tag this #classic literature #frankenstein daily

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neworleansspecial · 4 years

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There’s been a push lately of including more trans characters and trans headcanons in fanwork lately, and that’s a good thing! However, most of the time, the content that gets promoted is by cis creators as opposed to transgender creators speaking from their real world experiences. While it’s important to boost trans voices, that’s not to say you can’t or shouldn’t write trans characters as a cis person.

Please note that this post is not an attack on cis writers! Far from it, in fact. I would say the majority of the time, cis people writing harmful content are doing it unintentionally- they probably just don’t realize that it’s a problem. The main goal here is to educate on what’s harmful, why it’s harmful, and what to do instead. In addition, some trans people, especially young trans people, can fall into these tropes too- after all, all of us were raised in the same cis-centric society.

That said, trans people can write about these tropes if they choose- we’re allowed to discuss our own experiences or those we identify with in a way cis authors can’t or shouldn’t because of our different relationship to gender. If you’re transgender and you write using these tropes, that’s okay! But remember to be self-critical, too; are you writing these tropes because you enjoy them or because they reflect your experiences, or are you writing them because that’s what cis people promote or it’s what you think trans narratives must be?

This particular post will focus on common tropes in writing about transgender characters, and why they’re harmful, as well as ways to counteract them in your writing. As this is a long post, it’s under a read more. Thank you to @jewishbucke for all his help and support.

For the purposes of this post, let’s lay out some basic definitions so that we’re all operating on the same playing field and understanding.

Cisgender (cis): Someone who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.

Transgender (trans): Someone whose gender differs from the one they were assigned at birth. Trans people may or may not experience one or more kinds of dysphoria. The level of dysphoria a trans person experiences is not relevant to whether or not they are transgender.

Dysphoria: The discomfort caused by a disconnect between someone’s gender and the one they were assigned at birth. Dysphoria can be physical (related to the body), emotional (related to their feelings/sexuality), or social (related to other’s perceptions of them).

Gender Expression: The way a person outwardly expresses themselves and their gender. This can include but is not limited to pronouns, clothes, hair style, and name.

Transmasculine: A transmasculine person is a trans person whose transition is aimed at becoming more masculine. Trans men are transmasculine people, but not all transmasculine people are trans men. Transmasculine people are transmisogyny exempt (TME), meaning they do not experience the specific combination of transphobia and misogyny that affects transfeminine people.

Transfeminine: A transfeminine person is a trans person whose transition is aimed at becoming more feminine. Trans women are transfeminine people, but not all transfeminine people are trans women. Transfeminine people are transmisogyny affected (TMA), meaning they experience the specific combination of transphobia and misogyny directed towards transfeminine people.

That being said, my point of view making this post is as a transmasculine TME person. I can offer my personal perspectives and experiences, but I cannot speak over or for the specific experiences unique to transfeminine people and trans women. If you are transfeminine or a trans woman, you are absolutely welcome to add on or correct me if in my words, I said something harmful to you and your community. We are all in this together and it is never my aim to overstep boundaries on something I do not understand. So, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into tropes common in transgender narratives.

The Cis Savior

To start with, one of the most common tropes is the Cis Savior trope. This is commonly associated with the Trans/Cis trope, which I’ll elaborate more on later. The Cis Savior is often not the main character, but a supporter of a transgender main character. They can be a close friend, a family member, a love interest, or a coworker.

In this narrative, the trans person is engaging in behavior harmful to themselves, often related to methods of their transition. The most common one you may have seen or written is the transmasculine person binding unsafely. In that example, a transmasculine person binds (flattens) their chest with something such as ace bandages, which are extremely harmful and can damage their ribs. The Cis Savior finds out about this behavior, scolds the trans person, and purchases or gives them a safe alternative like a binder designed to safely compress breasts. While this example is probably the most common one, it’s not the only one. In general, the Cis Savior trope is when a cis person finds out that a trans person is hurting themselves in some way and rectifies it with superior knowledge of safe practices and/or better resources than the trans person has access to.

The reason this is harmful is because it perpetuates two common misconceptions: first, that all trans people hate their bodies to the point of willingly harming themselves to relieve this self-hatred, and second, that cis people know better about trans issues and bodies than trans people themselves. That’s not to say that neither of these things is impossible. Trans people are not a monolith and there probably are trans people like that, at least for some point of time in their lives. In some situations, especially in reference to trans kids or people who have recently realized they’re trans, it’s possible that they don’t know their behavior could be harmful, or that there are safer alternatives. The problem lies in the repeated framing of this trope as the only kind of trans person and the idea that they can and will be destructive towards themselves until a cis person who knows better comes along.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternatives:

A trans character behaves safely and explains how and why.

A trans character behaving unsafely is supported and educated by another trans person as opposed to a cis person (although this is something you probably shouldn’t be writing as a cis writer- some narratives are better left to us when it comes to the actual experiences of being transgender. Write about trans characters, not being trans!).

A trans character looking into transition on their own finds a supportive community.

The Gender-Non-Conforming Trans Person

The Gender-Non-Conforming (GNC) Trans Person is a trans character who presents excessively similar to the gender assigned at birth as opposed to their actual gender- the trans man who wears dresses and makeup, the trans woman who has a buzzcut and hates skirts, etc. Like is pointed out above in the “Cis Savior” trope, trans people like this can and do exist! Some trans people are GNC for various reasons- personal style, sexuality, being closeted, or just because they feel like it.

Narratives about the GNC Trans Person are very focused on the trans person presenting in a way that does not align with their gender, and is often No-Op (Does not have or want gender confirmation surgery) and No-HRT (Does not have or want hormone replacement therapy). It’s also often combined with the “Misgendered” trope. Trans characters in this trope seem to be extremely against presenting the way “expected” of their gender. For example, think of a transfeminine character not wanting to shave, be it their legs, armpits, face, or any other part of their body that cis women are expected to shave. This can lead to the character being mocked, dismissed, told they are not “really” trans, fetishized, and/or misgendered. These characters are often described as not passing as their gender.

This trope is harmful because it plays into the rhetoric that trans people are faking it or attention seeking. Like stated above, GNC trans people can and do exist. In fact, in my personal experience, a lot of trans people are GNC in some way or another. What is and isn’t considered conforming to gender is very strictly based on cisheterocentric ideas of gender presentation, and fails to take into account the intricacies of being transgender, especially if the person in question is also LGB. Trans people don’t have to conform to the restrictive societal views of what acceptable gender presentation is in order to be “really” trans. The stereotype of highly GNC trans people comes from the idea that they’re choosing to be transgender as a means of attention seeking, which simply isn’t true. Trans people didn’t choose to be trans- it’s just another part of them, like their eye color or the shape of their nose.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternatives:

A trans character having fun with gender presentation- why not shop from both sides of the store?

A trans character expressing gender-nonconformity in smaller ways.

Multiple trans characters with different gender presentations.

The Misgendered Trans Person

The Misgendered Trans Person is another common narrative in which a trans character is misgendered, whether it be on accident or on purpose, by a cis character. This can be a family member, an old friend, or a complete stranger. This trope also includes dead-naming, the act of referring to a person by a “dead” name that they no longer use as part of their transition.

When it comes to this trope, it’s usually with a narrative similar to the Cis Savior- the trans character is defended by a nearby cis one. More often than not, the Misgendered Trans Person trope is also combined frequently with the Forced Outing. In this story, a trans person is referred to by pronouns they do not use- in particular, those associated with their assigned gender at birth- as a means of causing angst and discomfort. They may also be called their dead name, also to create drama in the story. For example, consider a trans character hanging out with their family, and their mother uses the wrong pronouns for them, causing the character discomfort. This also includes narratives about a character realizing they’re trans, in which the character is referred to by the wrong pronouns and their dead name until they realize they are transgender. More to that point, as a cis author, you should never write a story about someone realizing they’re trans- as said above, write about transgender characters, not about being transgender.

This is harmful because it minimizes the very real pain and dysphoria that can be caused by misgendering or dead-naming. Changing names and pronouns are often the very first steps trans people take in their transition, and an instrumental part of their identities and journeys. Consider it in terms of your face. You have your own very specific face and it is an integral part of yourself and identity. Imagine someone repeatedly insisting that it’s different. They tell you that your eyes are a different color, or your jaw is shaped differently. It would be uncomfortable, and it’s wrong. Obviously this isn’t an exact or fair comparison, but names and pronouns are not just words when it comes to identity and trans narratives.

In terms of alternatives to this trope, there aren’t any.

There is no acceptable or reasonable way to write a character being misgendered or dead-named as a cis author. This is especially true when you take it upon yourself to make up a dead name for a character. No excuses, no arguments. Just don’t do it.

The Self-Hating Trans Person

The Self-Hating Trans Person trope is where a trans person’s dysphoria, be it physical, emotional, or social, is so extreme that they hate themselves and their bodies in an all-consuming way. This character is incapable of loving themselves and will often rely on a cis character for positivity, support, or self-esteem.

It would be impossible to acknowledge this trope without considering its ubiquity- while the description above is clear and severe, it overlaps often with many other tropes and less intense versions of it have a tendency to appear in most trans narratives. It’s associated with the trans character wanting to be cis (often worded as wanting to be “normal”), behaving in ways dangerous to themselves, and/or refusing to accept comfort. For example, a couple common uses of this trope are unsafe binding in transmasculine people, self harm or mutilation, and conversion therapy. The Self-Hating Trans Person narrative typically involves the character being aggressive toward people who question or try to combat their self hatred as well.

As touched upon in the Cis Savior trope, this is harmful because it perpetuates the stereotype that trans people must hate themselves, and be willing to go to extreme lengths because of it. Plenty of trans people don’t care that they’re trans, or even like that about themselves. The idea that being trans is something that should make a person hate themselves implies that it’s bad or wrong, which it isn’t. There are some trans people who do have these negative feelings- and of course deserve all the support they want and need- but plenty of trans people don’t feel that way. Trans people can and do love themselves and their bodies. Some trans people don’t have severe dysphoria, or may not really have any at all. Trans character’s narratives shouldn’t always be about suffering.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternatives:

A trans person who loves themselves and their trans body. (Be conscientious of straying into fetishistic territory, though- trans people are more than their bodies! When in doubt, ask.)

A trans person whose unhappiness is about something else, like losing a pet.

A trans person being loved and supported by their friends.

The Forced Outing

The Forced Outing trope usually goes hand-in-hand with the Misgendered Trans Person. This trope includes a trans person, either closeted (not out, pre-transition) or stealth (not out, post-transition) having their identity as transgender being revealed to one or more people without their permission.

When it comes to Forced Outings, this usually happens around a cis love-interest, and is typically followed by said love-interest assuring the trans character that this doesn’t matter to them. Another common response is the trans character becoming a victim of violence, such as a beating or sexual assault. For example, a trans person gets “caught changing” and is outed to the person who sees them, without their consent. The “caught changing” is another common way this trope is expressed, usually in a bedroom, bathroom or locker room. Sometimes there’s a happy ending. Sometimes there isn’t.

It should be clear why this trope is harmful- outing someone, be it as transgender or gay or any other LGBT+ identity, is not just disrespectful, but it is extremely dangerous. Just because you wouldn’t react poorly doesn’t mean others are the same. Outing a trans person in real life could get them hurt really badly, or even killed, on top of being outright rude and presumptuous. While this is fiction, it’s important to recognize that the media we consume affects the way we view real world situations. In your story, things may turn out fine, but the harsh reality is that in real life, it usually doesn’t. Trans people can and do get killed when they’re outed. Besides that, it follows along with the rhetoric that someone is “lying” if they don’t immediately disclose that they’re transgender. Trans people do not have to tell you that they’re trans, especially if they don’t know you.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternative:

A trans person already being out to and accepted by their loved ones.

The Predatory Trans Person

The Predatory Trans Person is usually same-gender-attracted (SGA) and/or transfeminine. They prey on cis people by coercing them into romantic or sexual relationships. Sometimes the trans person is considered predatory because they didn’t out themselves beforehand, or they use their being transgender as a means of guilting someone into having sex with them. It often overlaps with the PIV trope.

These narratives often revolve around sexual situations, and tend to focus on the cis partner as the main character. It prioritizes the comfort and feelings of the cis person. They’re uncomfortable, but can’t say it for fear of being seen as transphobic, or making their partner angry. For example, the cis character and trans character go on a few dates, and the trans character is presumed cis until they get to the bedroom. The trans character is pre-op and “convinces” the cis person to have sex with them anyway, despite them being uncomfortable. The most common form of this narrative is the transmisogynistic telling of a trans lesbian “coercing” a cis lesbian into sex.

This is harmful for two reasons- first and foremost, it paints trans people as being inherently predatory. It implies that trans people are only trans in order to have sex with those who otherwise wouldn’t be interested in them, reinforcing a long-standing transphobic notion that being transgender is related to sexual deviance and/or fetishes. Trans people are not inherently predatory. Trans people are not just rapists in disguise. Second of all, it makes assumptions about the genitals of trans people. Some are pre-op or no-op, of course, but not all of us are. Some trans people have had bottom surgery. Some trans men have penises, some have vaginas. Some trans women have vaginas, some have penises. And even those who haven’t had bottom (gender confirmation) surgery are still allowed and able to enjoy sex with the genitals they have, and use language regarding their genitals that they feel most comfortable with. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternatives:

A trans person having sex with another trans person.*

A trans person and a cis person having consensual sex.*

A trans person participating in nonsexual intimacy with their partner.

The Genderbend

The Genderbend actually refers to two common transphobic tropes; the first is headcanoning a cis character as being trans as the opposite gender. In other words, headcanoning a cis woman as a trans man, or a cis man as a trans woman.

It also refers to the common fandom trope of genderbending (also known as cisswap) to make a character of one gender into the “opposite,” typically associated with changing their physical characteristics to match this new assigned gender.

Narratives about the Genderbend trope rely on two primary assumptions. They assume every character is cis by default, and that certain characteristics are inherent to certain genders. The cis to trans version of this trope often focuses on a “coming out” story in which the character realizes they are trans and comes out to their loved ones before pursuing social and/or medical transitioning.

Cisswap, on the other hand, completely avoids the concept of being transgender, and instead makes the character into the “opposite” gender while they’re still cis. This often comes with physical changes, such as a character made into a girl getting wider hips and a more “feminine” facial structure, as is associated with cis women.

These narratives are harmful because of the assumptions they make about all characters/people being cis by default, and that these characters must have the common physical characteristics associated with that body type. The Genderbend in which a cis character is headcanoned as the “opposite” gender perpetuates a harmful rhetoric that trans people are really just their assigned gender at birth with a different presentation. It pushes the idea that transfeminine people are men in dresses and transmasculine people are self-hating women, both of which are misconceptions behind a lot of transphobic violence people face.

Cisswap relies on the idea that presentation or physical characteristics equate to gender, and that in order to be a gender, someone must look a certain way. This is not only harmful to trans people, but to any person who does not fit strict western binary beauty standards. It also fails to acknowledge that gender is not a simple binary of man or woman, but a spectrum that includes a multitude of identities. It should also be noted that the Cisswap trope relies on standards of gender and presentation that are intersexist, racist, and antisemitic as well. In general, the Cisswap trope is harmful to many marginalized groups of people, including but not limited to trans people.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternatives:

Headcanoning/writing a character as being trans while keeping their gender the same.

A character being nonbinary.

Creating new OCs who are trans.

The Bottom Trans Man/Top Trans Woman (PIV in Trans/Cis Relationships)

The PIV (Penis in Vagina Sex) Trope is exclusive to Trans/Cis relationships, and typically revolves around same gender relationships. In the PIV trope, a pre-op trans person has penis-in-vagina sex with their cis partner.

In these narratives, the focus is very heavy on the pre-op genitalia of the trans person in the relationship. It’s most commonly seen in m/m fanfiction, in which the trans man has vaginal sex with his cis partner, but also exists in f/f fic in which the trans woman engages in penetrative sex with her partner’s vagina. That’s not to say that trans people can’t or don’t enjoy sex this way, but in this particular trope, it is specifically written in a way that focuses in a fetishistic way on the genitals of trans people and makes broad assumptions about the bodies trans people have and the types of sex they enjoy. These narratives write all trans men as bottoms, and all trans women as tops.

The reason this is harmful is because of the way it generalizes trans people’s bodies, their relationships to them, and the way they engage in sex. Of course there are pre-op (and no-op) trans people who do enjoy PIV sex with their partners, but that does not mean all trans people have those bodies or have that sort of sex. There are trans men who are tops, and trans women who are bottoms. There are trans people who have dysphoria about their genitals, and those who don’t. Some do not or cannot enjoy PIV sex, and that’s okay! The other common issue with this trope is the way that trans people’s bodies are described. Trans people often use words for their bodies that you might consider “anatomically incorrect” because it’s the language that they feel most comfortable with.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternatives:

A trans person having sex with another trans person.*

A trans person having non-PIV sex with their partner.*

A trans person participating in nonsexual intimacy with their partner.

The Trans/Cis Relationship

Finally, the Trans/Cis Relationship trope- this trope isn’t inherently bad- there’s nothing wrong on its own with a romantic pairing being between a trans and cis character. The specific dynamic this is about is the trans character requiring reassurance, validation, or other kinds of support from their partner that a cis character would not ask for.

This trope is very commonly associated with Cis Savior and PIV tropes as well. It focuses on the trans person being in a relationship with a cis person who they depend on to “validate” their gender, help with their dysphoria, and protect them from transphobic behavior. It tends to infantilize trans people and make them into someone who cannot function outside their relationship with the cis character. For example, a transfeminine character relying on their boyfriend to make them feel “feminine” enough in their relationship. While Trans/Cis relationships are not inherently bad or wrong, it can be very easy to fall into a trap of writing the cis character as the Cis Savior, and often comes hand in hand with PIV sex when it’s a non-heterosexual couple.

The reason that this trope can be harmful is that it implies trans people are not enough on their own- that they need the support of a cis person who decides they’re “normal” in order to stay mentally well. It comes back often to the Cis Savior trope as well. Trans/Cis relationships written by cis authors may fall into these traps without meaning to. Beyond that, trans people can- and often do- date each other. In fact, some trans people are t4t, meaning that they choose to only date other trans people because it’s what’s most comfortable for them and may be safer depending on the situation they live in. Trans people do not enter relationships based on who will make them feel “valid,” but on who they love- the same as everyone else.

Instead of writing narratives like these, consider the following alternatives:

A trans person’s partner being trans as well. (Although, again, be mindful to write stories about trans characters, not about being trans!)

A trans person being emotionally supportive of their cis partner.

A trans person being single.

Thank you so much for sticking with me during this! I know it’s long, and that it’s not easy to read things that make you question things you’re used to, or to reevaluate things you may have written in the past. Once again, none of this was an attack! The goal of this series of posts is to inform and educate, rather than shame. People who make these mistakes often do it because they don’t know any better, or haven’t been exposed to anything besides these tropes. I encourage you to look at what other trans people have said about portrayals, and when writing trans characters, look for someone who would be willing to beta for you if you’re unsure. When in doubt, ask. And remember- write about trans characters, not about being trans! There are certain nuances to being transgender that, as a cis person, you simply don’t have the background or experiences to write on, and that’s okay! We’re all learning and growing together.

*If you absolutely want to write sex scenes involving trans people, the best thing to do is to get a trans beta- and listen to them- as well as use language that may not be what you consider anatomically correct. Trans people may call their genitals by words that don’t “match” for their own comfort, and using language that focuses on pre-op genitalia can come across and/or be fetishistic. Be mindful and respectful when writing these scenes.

#transgender #writeblr #writingtrans #trans #tusera #emwrite

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neutroiis · 3 years

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Seeing people talk about my chest like that makes me feel better though, I think youre post is disingenous. Like when I can go online & see people saying my body is sexy, it makes me feel better. It feels like us transmascs who like our chests are a minority anyway. And it sounds like you're saying people who support us are all creeps.

ok like......... i get you. (i dont appreciate being called ‘disingenuous’ on whats obviously a vent post but like. overall i can understand what youre getting at)

long post ahoy because.... you asked. also im assuming your transmasc and this post is only about transmasc stuff, id sound like an idiot if i tried to talk about transfem experiences bc im. not

so firstly, i think this is just straight up a competing needs situation. im reminded of conversations about whether or not it’s productive to go around saying everybody’s pronouns. for me, i tend to prefer it because it allows me a semi-natural space in which to tell people that i use nonstandard pronouns. however, stealth trans people are put on the spot, and closeted trans people have to choose whether to out themselves or misgender themselves whenever ms. cis professor asks everyone to announce their pronouns in front of the class. something thats helpful and validating for me ends up throwing other trans people under the bus. and, you know, with these discussions we usually have to come to some kind of compromise. maybe its better for that teacher to send around a written form thats completely optional, to make the experience less public or compulsory. maybe in some spaces the pronoun-circle is ok and in others it’s not. all of these convos require not just nuance, but deliberate hard work.

likewise i think a similar conversation and tension can take place when we talk about what language is appropriate when discussing trans peoples’ bodies, particularly other trans peoples’ bodies. i was being facetious in my tumblr.gov text post, but it can be very vexing when the only types of transmasc positivity are so problematic. the first type is problematic because it reinforces binaristic ideas about the types of trans men that exist: the no-t / pre-t feminine trans man versus the transitioning masculine trans man. these assumptions completely preclude the idea of transitioning AND feminine trans men, or non-transitioning AND masculine trans men.

(caveat #1: this is to say nothing about the types of language which permeate these posts. a post for another day, but tldr, they’re often condescending. i dont know ANY trans man who’s happy when someone bends over backwards to call him ‘heckin manly’ when no one in the world would address a cis man that way.)

the second type of problematic “positivity” is the kind you addressed in this message -- the sexual stuff. sexual positivty is fine. im not against it at all. but it cannot be the only type of positive transmasculine encouragement we see. it just cannot! this shouldnt require elaboration because when a person’s only positivty towards a marginalized group is sexual, that’s not positivty, it’s fetishization. however, given the propensity for sexual abuse among transmascs, i find it especially troubling that so much of our “positivty” concerns our reproductive organs or seconday sex characteristics. so much about our breasts, our vaginas, what kind of sex it’s ok for us to have, what kind of sex people would like to have with us. if your only transmasc positivity is “eat his pussy thursday,” you’re not an ally, you have a fetish.

(caveat #2: if youre a trans man and youre thinking ‘but i love eating my bf’s pussy and i love posting about it!!” just....... chill out, ok? im obviously talking about ppl who arent transmascs. dont worry about it. its fine ur fine. im t4t i obviously dont think its bad for trans ppl to want to fuck each other)

im sure youve stopped reading by now bc this got long, but essentially, im not saying that ppl cant post stuff abt trans men being sexy. if those posts make you happy, great. but when theyre the only posts that make the rounds and get thousands of notes -- and when theyre not coming from transmascs, but are instead about transmascs -- then, at best, these posts are well-intentioned displays of allyship that dont quite make the mark. at worst, theyre dehumanizing. so, no, i dont think everyone who makes those posts is a creep, but i do want people to be critical about the ways in which they talk about transmascs. im sure some ppl, like you, are totally fine w those posts. and in a vaccum, i dont care that much about them tbh. but when its all you see -- when those sexual posts are the beginning and end of peoples’ interactions with transmasculinity -- it’s a big problem. please think of the bigger picture.

#trans stuff #Anonymous

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gayregis · 4 years

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which characters are trans this is a scientific inquiry

all of them except vilgefortz and leo bonhart

ok ok jokes, ill go more in depth... some of this is taken from things ive written before but not posted. also for anyone reading this im non bee nary so know that im not trying to describe the experiences of different identities in first-person, i’m basing this off of both my own and my friends’ experiences... none of this is “OMG YES CHARACTER ANGST >:))” but rather depicting personal struggles in fictional characters, so just know that the more difficult subjects that may be covered are not there just to see the character in pain, but rather to think about their eventual resilience against it and development afterwards

for geralt and yennefer i have more specific reasons why i think being transgender actually fits with their canonical characters & related story arcs, and then for the rest i have headcanons and maybe some reasoning but not a lot.

geralt: geralt already represents how a struggle with toxic masculinity and expectations of masculinity can influence one who wants to be seen as masculine to deny and bury their emotions. him being trans develops upon the aspect of his struggle with emotions, ive seen my friends who are transmasculine / myself when i used to ID as transmasculine struggle with showing emotions bc of feeling like you’re going to be misgendered if you shed a single tear. in canon, we already learn that kaer morhen has a bit of a macho culture (just fyi eskel and lambert and coen are trans too now, don’t go getting any idea that those guys are cis) and i believe that the “witchers have no emotions” thing is like 5% actual biology and 95% being raised to fight and not to feel. vesemir is a good father but he just wasn’t very emotionally nurturing, it’s the caste’s way of raising kids that geralt breaks out of.

i think geralt’s self-image also speaks a lot to the feelings of harsh internal transphobia. he constantly others himself from others and feels like people view him as different, which is metaphorical for any marginalized group under the sun, but also is very common for lgbt ppl. again this is smth ive really struggled with within the past few years so im just projecting/know what it feels like and feel that how geralt sees himself in canon is similar to a view suffering from internalized transphobia.

geralt's character already redefines manhood because he has to learn what it means to be a good father. and i think him being trans would be representative of his constant learning and growth as a person, yet also somewhat involved with his self loathing and feeling like just Him Existing is an affront ... but of course he unlearns this with time and love from others and all of his character development

yennefer: yennefer’s whole backstory revolves around defining who she is and defying the people who mistreated her and told her she was nothing. canonically yennefer of vengerberg is the story of the successful self-made woman... her life as janka she would rather forget, no one calls her by that name, and no one ever would because its not who she is nor who i think she ever was.

shes incredibly strong-willed and knows what she wanted from life but some things are terrifying to reach out for, like love and acceptance. yennefer has a conflict with love and being loved because that was never a safe topic for her ... (also sapkowski handled this specifically poorly imo, but:) yennefer canonically struggles with being loved for who she is. i think she deals so much with her previous abuse and again, expectations from parents, and coming to terms with the fact that she survived it all. also this isnt even touching upon her arc regarding motherhood. wanting to give a child your everything and everything that you never had... the love and kindness that no one gave you...

ciri: ciri hesitated to ever identify with “girl” or “boy,” she’s also i think the representation of childhood in general, she’s naturally curious about gender presentation as she ages and just never really cares to commit to gender. i think she’d say she was a girl but only reluctantly bc she just doesn’t care much.

dandelion: [from his TV Tropes page:]

he’s an artist and a musician, he’s not gonna be cishet...

ok in a more serious context i think he’s a nonbinary guy, i think him being trans might explain why he has way more friendships than relationships with family members. dandelion, like yennefer, is also someone that had to define who he was for himself, i mean for one his stage persona of dandelion is entirely an artist’s creation/hyperbole of himself, i think he also had to think abt his inner identity too

his gender is also just “your friend that comes to your house and eats all ur chips and drinks all ur beer and passes out on top of you on the couch”

milva: ok unfortunately i currently think milva is the token non-trans friend (she’s nonbinary just doesnt think of herself as trans) but it’s only because her major arc in baptism of fire revolves around her pregnancy and miscarriage and just bc she is not trans doesn’t mean she doesn’t go through her own difficult struggling process surrounding her womanhood. she struggles enormously throughout the series and in her backstory with defining herself between two rigid identities: the feminine maria and the cutthroat milva. in her talk with geralt, she reveals how she feels trapped between these two identities and feels like they cannot coexist. i feel like she’s a nonbinary/gender non-conforming butch* lesbian whose struggles with sexuality intersect her struggles with gender and what it means to her to be a gnc woman. also you have to consider that milva was raised in a small village in lower sodden so she understood gender in the very strict roles ascribed to men and women, so she felt like she couldn’t be a woman unless she was this very traditional idea of what a woman is “supposed to be like,” which she’s both been trying to shape herself to be and also running away from simultaneously. she learns to accept herself within the hansa bc they love and support her for who she is, and she doesn’t need to be strictly feminine or masculine to be understood by them

* i know the terms nonbinary and gnc and butch didn’t exist in the 1260s tyvm, i’m just saying this as how i interpret her in a modern context

regis: gender is a human sociological construct so basically don’t ask him unless you’re prepared to listen for 20 minutes. vampires can exist noncorporeally so they can exist without gender, also i hc the telepathic vampiric language is nongendered as it’s a transmission of pure thought, will, and force, so it doesn’t even use any grammar. i also hc that vampires just appear the way they feel in terms of appearance and age (e.g., regis at around 300 when he died still looked 25 bc he was as stupid as a 25 year old, now he’s calmer and understands more, so he looks middle-aged). when chilling out with humans regis will be referred to as a man bc that’s just how he appears but it’s an identity he had to learn about and adopt, not something he was assigned. most vampires look androgynous anyways bc they just feel androgynous, how are you gonna feel a gender when you don’t know what a gender is... if you HAD to understand him with human labels / put it in a modern context (like if i was making an modern real life AU) i’d say he’s a nonbinary trans man.

cahir: much like geralt i think cahir’s story is one of living up to expectations, but cahir’s actually takes it a step further because his major motivation in his backstory is trying to prove to his mother that he can be a good son that will make her proud and gain honor for the family... he seeks validation from external sources but faces ruin when he learns that war is not the way to prove one’s prowess and skill

angouleme: shes trans and i simply say so bc shes very cool and funny and i dont think a cis person could be this cool and funny. also i think the story of a runaway teen who was abandoned by her biological family and found solace in a new family is both very good and featured in a lot of trans ppl’s narratives. she kind of exudes this “im finally at a point in my life where i’m safe and cared for, i can start HRT now, let’s gooOOoooOOooo” energy.

#ask #dandeliyn #the witcher #hansa

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dumatsquiet · 5 years

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hello, is it possible to explain that da comics post about mae being revealed as trans, varric and the "titillating" thing? i fail to understand what's going on with gaider (my native language isn't english so that could be the reason why). i'm honestly asking in order to understand, not trying to be disrespectful. i'm lgbt+ but not trans so i could be missing something obvious... thanks if you answer this

Absolutely! For a disclaimer, I am not a trans woman. But being trans, a trans advocate and a writer I try my best to be critical with what I write, and honestly have spent a lot of time picking apart this scene out of rage, so I do have opinions and I will share them. Also, before I begin, for other people who find this and do not know what anon is referencing, it is this post that I made and that (I cannot thank her enough) @dalishious helped draw a bit of attention to.

I’m very sorry if you understand this word but for clarification, the word titillating means to stimulate and/or excite somebody in a sexual manner. So D Gaider is saying that Varric, finding Mae disrobed because of the horrible circumstances that put her there in that state to be sexually arousing. Which, in my honest opinion based on how much we’ve seen of Varric in DA2, DAI, and the comics that’s.. not how Varric is at all??? Varric cares about his friends first and foremost.

But onto the scene itself, is honestly just poorly made. For starters it’s just flat out transphobic. Especially considering the artist’s comment was this;

To further break it down to you this scene itself is really tropey. It’s a common thing among cis people to have the reveal of a trans person’s status as trans, as showing them disrobed either accidentally or on purpose to convey that shocker!! They’re trans. This aspect is lazy writing.

Second off, there’s no real reason to draw Maevaris like this. If she’s been open since her teenage years as trans, why not give her a “feminine” body? She’s a mage, and knowing that she’s both a magister, has wealth, and is from Tevinter, there’s going to be transitional magic similar to how we have HRT. By drawing her with a feminine face but not a “female” body, especially with the language used, is insinuating Mae is not a woman. It’s reinforcing the incredibly harmful, transmisogynistic and entirely false stereotype of trans women being just simply “men dressed as women,” and that it is a choice which, like I said, it is not.

Things like these just add to the piles upon piles of stories that cis people only seem to be able to write of trans people, trans women especially; the trans woman who at some point is tortured, or humiliated, who’s backstory is often widely treated as a tragedy. Trans women are not allowed to live in peace, and creating something like this that (fandom demographics wise) will be viewed by cis women and men, a good chunk of which are cishet, adds to the notion that this attitude towards trans people and this sort of depiction is acceptable. Which, just to clarify, while trans people do have varying bodies and I myself as a genderqueer trans man often times draw some of my trans man/transmasculine characters as curvy or with breasts because that reflects me personally, there is a fine line between these two things. Something like this that, despite showing Maevaris with a more soft, feminine body, was not done for those reasons. They were done for transmisogynistic reasons. Intentional ones. It’s like, for the same reason that RCDART’s trans Captain America was wrong; it’s fetishism. And it’s just plain bad.

But honestly, this scene shouldn’t have happened like this at all. Period.

I know I’m going to sound like a broken record, but there was no reason for DGaider and the artist to show Maevaris like this other than the fact that they could. It does not further the plot at all. If they really wanted to show she was trans and still put her in prison because she was trans, they could’ve easily shown her fully clothed in rags or her normal clothes in a cell, and when Varric approached she could’ve mentioned that’s why she was imprisoned. Varric could’ve apologised for how she was treated, and then they move on together with Varric promising to protect her. End of scene.

Basically, what I’m trying to say, is Gaider was complicit in creating one of the only trans characters, and the only trans woman character, and used her for what is essentially trans torture porn. The date the original comic was released was September 3rd, 2013. The first volume of the Library Edition, which contains these comments, was released in 2014, the same year that DAI was released. Based on how he’s treated Isabella, how parts of Krem were written, and fast forwarding to recent years, how he’s treated marginalised people such as people of colour, neurodivergent people, and well.. trans people. David Gaider is the same.

#if any trans women/trans feminine people have corrections #please let me know #anders answers #transphobia #transmisogyny #david gaider #fandom critical #long post

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citylitlena · 5 years

Text

Inheritance

Looking at what lay before her, the erstwhile princess shuddered and bit her lip. Every cell in her body felt drawn towards the crown with the intense magnetism that only comes from a deep knowing that this was the right thing to do. She knew what would happen should she take up this identity, wear the crown and become the person she always wanted to be. Everything had a cost however. She had been told that cost in words that could fill mountains written out on simple paper and they weighed on her mind. Running like the seam holding all of those words together was just one- inheritance.

The crown was power. The crown a part of the picture of herself she had in her head every night she had gone to sleep for years. The crown was responsibility. The crown demanded sacrifice- freedoms, assumptions, privilege. The crown would change her for ever. Still, there was no question in her mind, no trembling of even one digit in her hands as she reached out and claimed what she so desperately desired:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJ-7dEw5-54

(I finally have an excuse to link a Kekeflipnote video on my blog! They have one of the most unique animation styles I know of. Go and point your eyes at these adorable videos! Love your round birds Keke!) *** Music suggestion: ‘Fire Drills’ by Dessa.

What I want to talk about today is a feeling that is becoming more familiar to me as I start to pass well in general and be treated like any other woman. It’s a blend of validation and slimy disempowerment. In preparation for this post I have been reading some articles about the argument over trans women and our relationship to male privilege. Although I’d love to beat the heat over here in Japan by stripping down and swimming about in these arguments, swimming is maybe the one thing I’d like to do most just now that I absolutely cannot and that still makes me sad. Instead, I shall link some of the material I found in the linkdump below:

(Trans femme perspective on male privilege and how it interacts with transition) (Article about trans men and male privilege) (Trans femme thread about male privilege) (Trans man shares his observations of male privilege)

I referenced the above because this feeling I’m going to talk about is one that is very much tied up in privilege and those who are changing in ways that affects the type or amount of privilege we experience. Transgender woman get it when we start to pass and be seen as and treated as the gender we are. I don't have the knowledge to talk about this from a transmasculine perspective, but please comment if you know anyone who is talking about that. I also see this feeling talked about by women who have been in a situation where their femininity is seen as less than, for example growing up overweight. It’s the feeling of finally being recognised as a woman but experiencing interactions designed to dis-empower woman- that is to dis-empower you. For a cis perspective on this, I’d link you to this article giving a cis perspective on catcalling.

I remember my first time being catcalled. I was in Antwerp last year for the Transgender European Council 2018 and while walking alone to meet with some people from my group when a whistle and a few words I later found out to be the Belgian equivalent of “Ay-ay gorgeous!” burst across the street at me. I turned, shocked! It was finally happening! It was finally… happening… Ugh. Number one, I felt cheated- it’s my first time, yell something I can truly shock people with please not some cliche stuff I expect to hear in a 70s soap opera. I walked away and ignored the one other call sent after me on the (otherwise empty) street with a confusion of feelings buzzing in my head. I got catcalled which disproportionately happens to women. I was happy to take that as proof that I passed-- at least from a distance. Great, right? But not really. I also felt slimy-- I should have said something back to put that down. I should have channelled all this rage I carry for the society that tells men harassing women on the street is okay. The truth is that I was frightened. What if I snapped back and they followed me? What if they followed me anyway? And that was the beginning of one of the more disturbing patterns in my life as a woman.

Fellow queer stranger online ‘transphilosipher’ talked about this in their blog post on the same subject. They called it a 'paradoxical duality' and I have to admit the first few times that this happened to me it did feel validating. It was uncomfortable but at the same time it was a proof that I can and would be treated like any other woman. Now I can’t feel any pride in this experience. I get angry. Not just for myself but for my fellow women and anyone else who has to grow up in a world where street harassment is not only widely unchallenged, but expected. The toxic culture of this harassment can be even more damaging for cis women or gender-nonconforming people who can internalise the idea that their body is something that is to be viewed and commented on by others from an early age because of the ever-presence of these forms of harassment in media and in their own lives.

I’ve been asked by strangers on the street to come party with them on nights out (several times, even after saying no). I’ve been told that I should smile more. I’ve been complimented by strangers while walking around Tokyo and I have felt their eyes on me as I walked away and heard the repeated caterwauling that followed me from those eyes. The articles and anecdotes from friends about these experiences I heard pre-transition are now becoming my own stories and my own concerns. Early on in my transition I made a point of being the one who would accompany female friends away from the party and walk with them on cold nights because I had a bare inkling of why that was so important. Now I’m checking that everyone who wants has company to get home because I know what it’s like to play the crosswalk game of figuring out if that stranger behind you is following you. I’ve held my keys in my fist, ready to use for defence. It’s scary and it is a part of who I am now. It’s not just women that are forced to be careful like this-- but this specific form of harassment is overwhelmingly experienced by women. Even in this wide group, I am lucky-- I am white and able-bodied. This article explores how street harassment is even worse for women of colour. I’m achieving a goal that I have been working towards for years-- living as myself. In doing so I am inheriting a legacy of oppression. This legacy is now a part of me and I no longer have a choice about if I am involved in this struggle as I did when I was perceived as male. All of this does not make me any less proud of being transfemme. Weighing up the options of transition with the sacrifices it takes and not transitioning, keeping that delicious male privilege but feeling wrong at my core the option becomes meaningless. Because it is not a decision-- it is life and death. In the words of @mangaluva on tumblr: “Being female is not inherently negative, but patriarchal societies do their best to change that.” There are however, so many people out there who do have a choice about this. I am talking to men- transmen, gay men, straight men and cis men. It can feel so innocuous from the outside, or at least it can feel like it’s something which can easily be forgotten. That is not true. When you see this garbage behavior happening and it’s safe to do so-- speak up. Tell the harassers that what they’re doing is not acceptable. And here is the secret that I want to spread to all of you: You are much more likely to be listened to than any woman, trans or not, who is talking about this. That’s part of how privilege works.

#street harassment #harassment #citistrans #citisgay #citisfemme #transgender #paradox #validation #catcalling #pollenpunk #rant #bowsette #bowsettecanabsolutelychokemejustalittle #smilemore #transition #diary #privilege #writing on gender #trans writer

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mxadrian779 · 5 years

Text

I know you've seen me around a lot lately, with pretty much the same old stuff and some reiterations. If you're getting sick of me, I apologise.

A lot has been going on lately, both internally and externally, and I sometimes wonder if the two are related. I've been sick on-and-off since the summer. There's been some extreme red tide in my area that has just been knocking me and my family out. I fell back in class, but luckily managed to get a late withdrawal. I've been at basically a mental standstill, the best I can describe it, and I've had a lot of downtime, which means a lot of Sims, Neopets, and introspection. I've been evaluating my identity yet again. Nothing's changing, per se—I still identify as nonbinary demifemme/genderfluid/transmasculine. What's changing is that my transmasculinity is growing seriously stronger, which both excites and scares me.

I've always been pretty feminine, but with an internal tomboy edge. I enjoyed feminine expression while also enjoying crude humour and other “dude stuff.” I liked the idea of being ascribed “dudely” traits—crude, strong, tough. I liked the idea of being muscular (I've been doing the wheelchair since I was a kid). I remember when I was a kid being like obsessively convinced that my voice sounded like a boy's. A treasured moment was when my boyfriend, his buddies, and I would gather in our cafeteria on mornings and play a card game called “B.S.” I had a ballsy moment and used the actual curse (I was 15). I'm not sure whether I liked impressing my boyfriend or liked being “one of the guys”; maybe both. I collected die-cast cars as much as I collected dolls. I was never a baby-doll person—maybe my mother never bought that stuff for me, I don't remember—and I liked some sporty kids' shows like “Rocket Power.” I was so drawn to the concept of skateboarding and surfing. Later on, I would also become drawn to BMXing. I'm definitely not into sports, but I was attracted to the...what, the speed and adrenaline aspects or something? What would you call it?

Like many trans people, I sometimes feel fraudulent because there were no gender-defining moments in my childhood...and that is something I only realise as I type it now. I don't recall explicitly feeling like a girl or identifying with other girls (autonomously, anyway), although I certainly never identified with boys. I don't identify with the men I know; I don't feel like I'm in their camp, nor do I have any desire to be in their camp. The girls almost looked like me, so they were in my league, and we had some common interests until later on. I was never into specifically (maybe stereotypically) “girly” things like shopping, fashion, or, that I remember, boys. I've had crushes of all genders and all intensities, but I don't recall having the need to gush over them (save for the occasional writing of their names in my notebooks). I hated magazines aimed at teen girls and women; they struck me as so shallow and just one big marketing ploy. I felt like 'what, do you think all girls can do is gush over boys and makeup?' This is likely more a feminist and gay-female notion than a gender-identity notion, but it might have had some tints of identity.

Despite some tomboyishness, I never explicitly felt myself identified as masculine, but maybe I just didn't know I could. It was only this autumn that suddenly something changed—it was like the word “transmasculinity” just came up and slapped me in the face. Something seemed to have suddenly shifted, yet I still can't explain what. I just felt like a masculine identity was unlocked. It seemed like it would just be a phase, a fleeting feeling, but even so, I knew I had to explore it. I immersed myself in transmasculine/FTM culture, and found myself somehow more comfortable than ever. I loved the crowd. The people I saw, the stories I read, somehow resonated with me, and since then, my masculine streak has only been getting stronger. The best I could describe my gender blend is to break it down into percentages. Early on, I was about 50% female (or demifemme), 40% neutral, and 10% male (or transmasculine). These days, I would say that 50/40/10 has changed to about 25/40/35—a big and jarring shift for someone who's been feminine most of their life.

It's been almost two years since I first came to my nonbinary gender identity. My internal feelings hadn't changed; what changed was the realisation that I didn't have to be tied down to my assigned gender, but I still did largely identify with it, as much as I had before. I didn't really have a masculine side then. Now I do. I find myself completely puzzled by it, perplexed yet entranced yet scared...and also kind of doubtful.

I've always been quite severely disabled. Basically a lifelong wheelchair user. I grew up socialised differently. I was held apart from mainstream society. I still am. This is where doubt and confusion sometimes come in. A lot of trans narratives involve never feeling like you fit in, never feeling like you could fit the mold, never feeling like your body fits you. But I've had these all my life, and they revolve around disability, not gender. Here, I don't know where my disability ends and my gender begins—I don't know what feelings of unease, discomfort, and dysphoria I can ascribe to my disability and what I can ascribe to my gender. I always knew I could never fit the mold, no matter what gender it held. I never felt comfortable with my body—I get depressed and nauseous sometimes looking in the mirror. I can't reach back into my childhood, point to a man or a woman and say “I aspired to be them” because I knew I could never do so. I can't say I identified with anyone of any type or gender, as if I knew I was going to grow up like them, because I always knew my world was completely different than theirs. There are so many parts of society, so many physical, emotional, and social things that I don't have access to—I mean, how can I tell you what I've felt or aspired when I've never had access to a normal frame of reference, you know? How can I identify certain discrepancies in my identity when my whole existence is a discrepancy?

I also wonder how much of this sudden introspection isn't real and is just some strange byproduct of being sick. Maybe I've got too much time on my hands and I'm digging in too deeply; maybe the red tide neurotoxins are messing with my head again; maybe this masculine identity crisis is just a way to reboot my system since this semester went so terribly.

I've been checking out some trans books from my library. The first, “Gender: Your Guide” by nonbinary author Lee Airton, is a great book for both cisgender people and trans newbies. I personally didn't get much new out of it, but it was a good read. I'm currently on “Unbound: Transgender Men and the Remaking of Identity” by transwoman Arlene Stein, about transmasculinity. I almost returned it because I didn't like its tone regarding religion and politics, but when I picked it up again and started reading, it got more interesting. Although I never identified, and likely still won't, specifically as a transman, the transmale accounts resonate with me. One transman mentioned, among other things, the fact that he hated the word and ascription of “lesbian” (before he came out and transitioned). He said it was because he didn't like how it assigned him as female. I've had my own problems with the word, and wonder if that subconsciously might have been one of them. The word held me back considerably when I was coming to terms with my sexuality because I didn't like its oversexed association, its sound, or the fact that it felt like another way to hold women as separate—why are gay men “gay” but gay women have to be “lesbian”? But was there another reason for my trouble with the word? Was I resistant to it because of its gender implications? Possibly; as my transmasculinity strengthens, my conflict with the word lessens, as if because it's less applicable to me. What would my sexual identity become, then, with such a strong transmasculine gender identity? I'm still attracted to women, but also transmen—basically, anyone who isn't a cisman.

I've been pondering how to move forward with this. As strong as my transmasculine identity is, I want to hold onto my feminine identity, too (hence why one of my labels is “genderfluid”). I want to create a masc identity—find a name, figure out a look (both of which will probably just stay in my fantasy). How would I go about constructing a transmasculine identity that's slightly feminine? Or take a male name but keep my female pronouns? I really, really do not like “he/him” pronouns for myself. “They/them” are also not quite right for me, but I often use them online anyway, if only to signify my trans status. Neopronouns are not my thing, unless they're a derivative or blend of the traditional pronouns, like ey/em (“they” pronouns without “th”), shey/shem (blend of “she” and “they” pronouns), or, one I was thinking about before, hey/hem/heirs (blend of “he” and “they” pronouns), then maybe I can wrap my head around them. I've been reading about transitions and options, and I find myself conflicted. As someone severely disabled, I've had a lot of exposure to the medical field, surgeries and a lot of procedures, and I swore to myself that I would never submit to procedures that weren't 100% medically necessary. I read about top surgeries, and I have no plans to put myself through that. Hormones, however..I was opposed to them at first, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly curious about them, although I don't know how they would play with my system) and I've had more than enough needles, thank you).

This has become an incredibly long post, and I apologise. I've written essays shorter than this. This gender identity thing is just throwing me for a loop. I've been fine the last year, year-and-a-half, until summer came and shook things up, and left me God-knows-where now. A part of me loves this, loves self-exploration and finding new things, but what throws me off and makes me slightly uncomfortable is the fact that this transmasculine thing struck me so suddenly and so hard. I've never been masculine, never considered being masculine, nor could I even describe what I'm defining as masculine. It feels like it can't be real, and I'm almost afraid to think that it is. It just comes as a shock to me, and once again, I don't know what to do with it all.

I also feel a little uneasy because I would like to be able to share this with friends, but most won't understand, some might be phobic, but more than anything, it seems too personal to post on my page.

#trans #transgender #transmasculine #ftm #mtm #lgbt #queer #gendee #Gender #gender identity #Blah #disabled #transabled #enby #nb #nonbinary #demifemme

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