Ekphrasis on Nude Selfie as Portrait of Saint Sebastian
by torrin a. greathouse
Suppose they made martyrs
out of bodies like ours. Found
faith in all our petty miracles.
You woke this morning, drew
breath like a blade from a sheath.
As a child, I learned to never draw
a knife without intending to draw
blood, when my grandfather made me
draw my own. My love, I can’t think
of your body, waking, & not recall
how the morning sky lit up our sheets
in waves of faded red & neither of us
were emptied. By our hands or
a stranger’s. Suppose we might
be made holy & never imagined
ghosts. An iPhone photo’s flicker—
your bare chest held in the dim
bathroom glow, pierced by arrows
of nothing but mirror-spread light.
Bead of biopsied scar, the tender
entrance of a blade. Around your
damp hair wound a rough halo
of pixels. One hand twisting as if
dragged toward a common faith.
Lack of sleep bruising deep
hollows beneath your eyes,
the pale yellow of pollen
-stained lips, like mine when,
as a child, I bit through
flowers, believing anything
beautiful enough—when
swallowed—might stay. The way,
seeing you, I wished I might hold
your mouth, against mine, like
the last embers of the evening sky—
a broken-in Bic lighter’s clear
flame & the sport we made
of holding it to our wrists until
our fear sparked a hotter blaze.
A kind of irony halfway
to faith, all winter I whispered
psalms under my breath through
empty streets. Then, come spring,
I fell for you to the melody of
a Green Day song praising
the messiah of a suburban youth
neither of us had. But goddamn,
the way that one lyric, I’m the son
of rage & love, felt so familiar to
both our mouths—like a bitten
cheek’s fresh copper sting. Here,
your body, always shaking—now on
-screen frozen, poised, just so—how
could I not see, in you, this first
gay saint? Sin of our imagination.
Saint of Soldiers. Patron Saint
of Sickness Healed. Saint of Archer’s
bows bent like boughs mid-storm.
Martyred, slain, & made a prayer
to that which, still living, would
have seen him buried. & isn’t this
the queerest thing about him?
The very pliancy of his legacy?
How a myth glances at the edge
of history, like feeble bulbs burning
feints toward the sun, renders
the body—something between
portraiture & flesh. I kneel before
your image; your ribs curled like
seraph’s wings, stomach cleft by
a flash of pale curls. I whet my lips
to speak your name. To kiss your
hands, curling into the posture
of prayer, they could almost have
been carved from stone. I swear:
If idolatry was my only sin, then
it’s because god wasn’t watching.
22 notes
·
View notes
On distortion
torrin a. greathouse
Every doctor’s appointment
is a game.
[Two truths & a lie.] I lie
only as a backdoor
to treatment. To trick
my way past a kept gate.
▼
[SSI limits the maximum savings of each disabled
person to $2000. A threshold which, once passed,
cancels their state support.]
▼
Until the decade before
I was born, queerness was a lock
on gender’s door. Transition impossible
without proof—or deception—;
impossible unless a doctor believed
that you were straight.
▼
My love & I can’t pass
as anything
predictably.
Our genders—two coins spun
& flickering
[now faggots, now dykes,
next straight, next question marks
crooked into the curve of each other].
▼
Distortion means, literally,
a twisting out of shape.
Like vines, like steel, like a question.
My skin worn like a funhouse mirror.
▼
[For married couples in which both partners receive SSI benefits, the limit is just $3000. The Social Security Administration reserves the right to audit anyone receiving SSI and if a common law marriage is suspected, their benefits may be canceled or suspended.]
▼
When I call my love
husband, this is a distortion
of the truth. The truth is
I cannot name them this,
in public, without putting our futures
at risk. Without the risk of—
a verb can carry many meanings,
here, the verb deem means:
One of us will be assumed the other’s
keeper; one of us will be
assumed a burden, even if
we can’t carry each other alone.
▼
If I told the auditor that we aren’t married
would they believe me?
Or think this was another distortion?
▼
Imagine: the wedding band, a ring
of salt, soft & glimmering charm to banish
the checks that might keep us
fed & clothed.
▼
Imagine: the wedding band, a ring
of salt, soft & glimmering charm to banish
the checks that might keep us
fed & clothed.
▼
All I want is this:
to have & to hold, & to be
held by the world without
earning our place in it.
▼
& still, there are states that will refuse
to wed us.
Where we can’t kiss, or piss, or walk
hand-in-hand in peace.
▼
We sprawl across the bed, a song
blaring tinny through my phone’s
shitty speaker, distortion throttling
a sound wave’s impossible throat.
The singer screams, “I don’t want to be equal
’cause I know I’m fuckin’ better than you!”
I spin the wedding band chained
to my neck—reminder of a future
I can’t hold.
▼
They’ll make us decide
between love & survival.
But survival
just means to grow more diligent in the soft art
of touch in a sharp economy. To take each other
in sickness,
but not in wealth.
▼
Sometimes, I dream of our wedding day
& all this might cost us.
This dream—
our failed epithalamium.
Our love—
an anti-dowry.
17 notes
·
View notes