#what if i dont have more time. how will i live with myself

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not saying please/thank you?

So this is an ongoing argument with my roommate. I (22nb) am autistic, and T (55f) has ADHD.

Now to get this out of the way, i do say thank you. I was always taught to wait a moment after receiving something, take a bite or appreciate what you were given for a breath, before thanking someone so that you could add something more to it. My roommate and I both agree that i do say thank you the vast majority of the time, but the problem for her is that i do not say it fast enough.

T often gives me a "tHaNk yOu" while the item in question is still being passed. This seems ridiculous to me as i haven't even been fully given it yet.

In addition, i have the dishes as my household chore, and i do them daily, despite almost never making any dishes myself. I do this to both support T and her diet, as well as contribute to the household that i live in.

T thanks me near daily for doing the dishes. This always seems weird and unnecessary to me, as it is my responsibility. I have told her this. I dont expect to be thanked for doing my own laundry, after all. In return, T gets upset that i dont notice and thank her for taking out the garbage/recycling/compost, to which she is the main contributor to and is under her responsibilities.

As for please: i do say this much more rarely. I think it feels overly preformative and fake, and i typical choose more "would you mind closing my door for me" "if its not too much of a hassle, could you toss me my waterbottle" "id appreciate it if you could preheat the oven while you're in the kitchen"

I think that these work perfectly fine as a replacement. Please just has always felt wrong and fake. No one else in my entire life has ever commented on this before.

Thirdly; T has been upset that i don't respond to her apologies appropriately. After she is snappy at me (due to her emotional disregulation from ADHD) (last time it was because i asked if she was using the oven instead of asking if i could use the oven myself, for reference) there is a 50/50 shot that she will come and apologize.

I dont often accept apologies. Apologies are for the person saying them to get it off their chests, or to make you put it behind them. Usually, ill say something like "it was just one of those days, y'know?" Or "its alright, water under the bridge"

Because i was always taught that apologies came with a promise of change, and T can't (or won't) change how she re-directs her frustration at unrelated things to things ive done "wrong". When she told me the correct response was "i forgive you", i decided to not engage instead of telling her directly that i didnt forgive her (because i am certain she will do it again). (I usually dont engage with her when shes irritated: she never notices and just wants to say her piece so im not being rude here)

She said that i was being disrespectful, "like always", and when i suggested it may be more difficult for me due to my autism, she said that we made plenty of accommodations for me (which i think is false), and that i just needed to do this for her comfort. That please/thank yous were something she needed to feel appreciated and i should be making more accommodations for her.

To me, i feel like she is getting really caught up on semantics and is being a little controlling about it. But maybe its just a boundary? I dont know if i could commit to changing my language for her though, i feel like i will just start forgetting after awhile because it feels so fake. Shouldn't it be better for me to say things genuinely than just for her approval?

AITA for not saying please/thank you?

#aita #am i the asshole

[wayfayrr]

JRKWJFMKSKDKWDMKW HI HONEY!! Idk if the rquests are still open but if theyre not, just please ignore this one!!!

But something I would LOVE to see, is one thought that I had based on what @bokettochild said. Aryll having a crush on one of the boys!!!

At first I thought immediatly about ofc the Captain bc he is pretty and all, butbutbut reminind of me as a 10yo, I would find him pretty yes, but I would ABSOLUTELY GO FERAL over Hyrule and/or Four bc they were just my type, so I thought we could share this, me and her hihihihihi

So here's what I thought like, (Y/N) and Aryll talking about her little crush like a girls night (but the Reader dont really have to be a girl, is just for funsies!!) and Wind being all >:( maybe even a bit jealous that Aryll get to spend time alone with you hihihihihi

Just one thing!! If you end up wanting to do this idea, you can do it as a headcanons or a lil fic, whatever is better for you!!

I hope you have an amazing day darling!! You are amazing and I love everything you do hihihihihihi buh bay!!! 💚💚💚💚💚💚

I thought to do this as some little headcanons!! just to get myself back into the vibe of writing headcanons since it's been a little while <3

you're right though, she'd be the best to gossip with and have tea parties together - she's just a good little sister after all!!!

✦ gossiping with Aryll whenever you’re in winds time? She’s living for it, be it braiding her hair or showing her things you’ve been collecting over your journey. You pick her up some shells from wild’s time? Yeah you’re her parent now, that’s just how it works. 

✦ so for her to see you as a perfect role model (much to her brother's envy) it’s only natural that she’d see your partner in a similar light, after all if she wants to be like you then whoever you go for is who she’d go for right? just a harmless puppy crush on them <3

✦ so expect plenty of moments where she's pulling you aside to ask for advice about relationships, and if you ever try to go on a date then it's not a rare thing to spot her in the distance watching the both of you.

✦ while she tries to keep it more subtle at the start out of embarrassment for crushing on the guy you're dating, asking little none specific questions. but eventually it grows to outright asking how the two of you got together and such.

✦ dating four? She asks how you handle how he’s usually at the forge and what if you like sitting there with him, 

✦ Time? She’s asking what it’s like to be dating the hero of time (she’s grown up hearing legends of him, of course she’s going to be all over the chance to learn about him)

✦ Warriors - The pretty boy, the one who looks like the prince charming in all her books. No way is she NOT going to fawn over his handsome face.

✦ then hyrule? How could anyone not be in love with the fairy boy, when he’s able to make himself sickly sweet and appealing - it’s not like there’s any other reason he was so good at getting information from people. Not that he’d want to manipulate you of course, he just can’t help his natural charm. 

✦ if you're with legend then she's a little curious how you fell with his hard outer personality. Not that she thinks like that for long with the things that you can tell her about him. 

✦ And you’re right, wind is a fair bit jealous that his older sibling is having their focus away from him so often. Don’t get me wrong he’s so glad that the two of you are getting along but it wouldn’t be hard to include him more right? He looks at you like a kicked puppy until you let him join. He WILL gossip.

#this was a cute little set to write!!! #thank you for the idea love!!/p #Sorry it's on the shorter end though #linked universe x reader #link x reader #linked universe #loz x reader #the legend of zelda x reader #legend of zelda x reader #lu wind

[yourfavouriteflowers]

Late Night Talks (Remus x James)

A drabble following a break up during the height of the first war. Due to little spacing, Remus and James are forced to share a room.

The crumpled bedsheets only proved to make things worse. A quick shuffling from James, his eyes piercing into Remus’ back. Soft sobs escaped his mouth, a choke of holding himself back. James took in a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling, a shake stuck in his throat seemingly blocking everything from coming up. All the words he wanted to spill, all the apologies he needed to give trapped behind his thoughts suffocating him. His head drops back and he can hear quiet sniffling and slight movement from Remus. His gaze dropped back to the otherwise still body beside him in a panic.

“Remus?” James whispered, like it was the worst thing he could have said, like it was something sacred. But how could it be? the name of his only lover now just a memory on his tongue but it was just a name. Something he should be used to by now. James could hear Remus still. Everything was still, it seemed like time stopped and nothing was force it to continue going; James knew it would eventually. It had to. He couldn’t sit in agonising silence with Remus.

“James,” Remus replied eventually, his voice even more hushed than James’ own. Quiet enough that James only just heard it. Remus hadn’t moved but James could see more of his body. His head was ontop of his arm, looking down into his chest. James assumed he had been crying, or was at least upset because of the dried tears that set on his face and the slightly red corners of his eyes even though they were shut so tightly, as if afraid of what James called him for.

“You’re upset,” James said. It was a statement really. A statement of what had just happened, him finally bringing up a topic they’d both been avoiding since the break up. “I didn’t think they’d put us in the same room.”

Remus turned and looked up, now in a similar position to James and loud out a pained sigh. “You are too. Don’t be like that, I can take care of myself.”

James let out a sob and wiped away the tears that blurred his vision. “Yeah. I know. It just… sucks that things turned out like this. Like I didn’t want to hurt you, you know? I just couldn’t put you through that shit again. And I know you can take care of yourself but…”

“It’s okay, James. I don’t blame you.”

“I think I needed to hear that,” James said and let out a laugh. “Thank you. For what it’s worth, I do love you.”

“I know. I just don’t think we were meant to be, maybe again in some distant future when we aren’t fighting for our lives and our friends are hounding us about getting into relationships. Did we ever even come out to them?”

“Maybe so. I’ll wait for you. I dont think there’s anyone who I can love the same way I love you. And.. no, don’t return it, please. I dont think I could take it. Let’s just enjoy this moment where no one’s fighting or taking sides or anything,” James said, his voice quiet, hanging onto a hope that may not be there. “I never did come out. I think Padfoot was holding out hope that I’d settle down with some girl from school or something. That is just not me though.”

“No, not you at all. Go to sleep, yeah? While we’re still being nice,” Remus said and waited for James to lie back down. The slow movements of the cover made a quiet sound and Remus quickly followed. They both laid in the silence before Remus whispered a last ‘Goodnight.’

wc: 618

#moonysdrabbles #moonchaser #james x remus #remus lupin #marauders #marauders era #dead gay wizards #james potter #drabbles #drabble #writer #one shot #moonsun

[shu-box-puns]

Ok, I have a question on dad!Tsu'tey. Do you think that Tsu'tey would allow Spider to lock his hair? And I say allow because clearly locks are not exactly an Omaticaya staple look, and the only other person to have locks in the clan is Jake. He spent the first half of the movie pretty unkept until he began to rally the clans as Toruk Makto and he had a gorgeous set of well decorated braids. Im assuming he locked his hair out of convinience, whilst Spider locks his hair to look like Jake. But with Tsu'tey as his dad, Im almost sure the man is caring for his hair as if it was his own. And Tsu'tey has always been so elegant. Every part of how he presents is carefully curated from his braids, to his adornments. So a part of me believes that Tsu'tey would insist on doing braids on Spider and is always on top of them the moment he grows them out (some people like to leave them to grow out a little. But with the way that Tsu'tey is, I feel like he likes his braids to always be tight). Another part of me says that after years of wrangling Spider to do his hair he decides to give it up and just let the kid lock the hair (all whilst giving Jake dirty looks cause how dare he influence his baby?) Also, Spider might just be tender-headed which makes the braiding process even more of a pain than it already was. I dont know, what do you think? You think Spider might still lean towards locks or instead have the staple Omaticaya braids to look like his papa?

I honestly couldn't have said it better myself. :D

I feel like innitially, Spider would go with the traditional Omaticaya braids like all the other kids his age. And of course Tsu'tey would definitely be on top of keeping said braids immaculate and decorated in any beads Spider picks out from Mo'at's collection.

And when Tsu'tey takes out his own hair for a wash and a rebraid, he would definitely take some time to let Spider practice his braiding skills on him - even if it turns out a horrendous mess or one strand is thicker than the others. I feel like he'd encourage Spider to do one of his front braids, which he will either leave braided by Spider or let Spider choose what beads he'll wear in them until the next rebraid.

In those early years, I feel that Spider would definitely want to look just like Tsu'tey. I can see him refusing to let Max or Norm come at him with the scissors whilst he's still living in the compound before Tsu'tey officially adopts him, because he wants to look like the hunter so bad. Of course, they let him begin growing out his hair for eventual braids, but the scientists have to convince Tsu'tey to give him a trim to tidy him up and stop the ends of Spider's hair from splitting - Spider will only let Tsu'tey near his hair at that point.

But I can also see Spider admiring Jake as an uncle and getting it in his head that he wants to look like Toruk Makto - which of course feels like a personal blow to Tsu'tey even though Spider doesn't mean it like that. Admittedly, Tsu'tey can see the appeal of a legendary warrior in contrast to an Olo'eyktan, but he's still a little hurt that he and Spider won't match anymore. But what his boy wants he gets, so he sucks it up and lets Spider get locks to look like Jake.

#spider socorro #tsu'tey #avatar #father-son duo #father-son shenanigans #I am in love with this concept anon

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[doveotion]

genuinely didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 22 so now I'm looking around like..... Now What

#diary #um. sad rant i guess dont read if you're not in the headspace to take in negativity #i dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crying all the time and I'm always tired no matter how much i sleep and i love my family bu #sometimes i wish i just lived alone and didn't talk to anyone. i hate talking about my problems i hate everything about it #i dont want to be here. but i dont know where to go or how to move forward. i want to live but i dont really have that option #i feel so stuck right now. #i would say more but it would get sad really fast so I'll write it down maybe. or listen to some sad music and cry it out #genuinely thought about running away to like. Switzerland earlier. like i was looking up flights and everything #how fucking sad does someone have to be to contemplate that.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[skitskatdacat63]

I meant to write more for a pt 2 lore post earlier but didn't end up doing so, so pls take these AU sketches(Mark & Jense and then some assorted sketchies)

#i should never have drawn them as catboys bcs now they appear as catboys in mind half the time 😭😭 #its only on paper but i drew more catboy sketches of them than whats included here 😭 #seb reminds me of my cat where hes being all nice and cuddly and then will bite you out of nowhere #seb in his frilly nightgown is very important to me!!! #i meant to draw both of them in nightgowns but brain wasnt worked too well tonight #so thats why these are mostly half finished #the bottom seb is too remind myself i have a regular art style 😭😭😭 #mark in this au is so funny to me. bro is tortured by having to be with seb like practically every waking moment #he basically is a offically provided live-in bestie 😭😭 #*based on real life thing. i think its funny how you can be royalty yourself + #but bcs youre not part of the imperial family you can still be reduced to the job of having to dress the emperor 😭 #^ so thats mark in this au #seb promoted him to an important role when he became emperor but still makes mark do his old duties 🤭🤭 #jense is in charge of all the horses and transport and things. thus: ye olde horse girl #im sorry but in historical AUs all f1 drivers are legally obligated to be horse girls. its literally canon #so sorry for the catboy sketch. it will happen again. #but ig i dont wanna go too deep into lore stuff in these tags cause yeah. another post in the works!! #i think about it and have talked about it a lot. but its hard to like contain all of it to bullet points and such #my brain is not built for writing fic i think so idk of youll ever get that from me. but lore yes i will deliver #sebastian vettel #fernando alonso #jenson button #mark webber #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #formula 1 #boy king au

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something #but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized. #and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this- #-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace- #-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller #which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this #and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely #oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it- #-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart #so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it. #fun./sar #i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to #because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get- #-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of #its probably the resilience though #im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically #this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it #just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear #it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over. #i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts #this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement. #its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every- #-time achievement #what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past. #even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again #if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa

[hayaku14]

pushing daisies kaishin au #1

shinichi was killed by aptx 4869 but for some reason kaito was in tropical land as well and passed by where shinichi's dead body was, touched him, and brought him back to life.

kaito is aware he can bring dead things back to life with one touch since he was a kid. he’s also aware that the second touch will kill it again. permanently.

he has most of his resurrection experiences with his doves and flowers

the thought that he could possibly resurrect a human did cross his mind but what's the use when the one person he wanted to bring back didn't even have a body left to touch

so sue him if he accidentally touches a dead body he previously thought was someone just passed out.

there's a noticeable red glow that shines on the stranger that has happened enough to his doves and flowers he revived before to know exactly what he has done.

shinichi wakes up disoriented but completely sure that the searing heat and the pain on his chest earlier should've killed him yet there he was, alive. with a splitting headache and a bad taste in his mouth, yes, but alive.

kaito dumbly opens with, "you're alive...oh FUCK, you were dead!"

shinichi who still can’t see straight says, “which one is it, i can’t tell.”

shinichi sits up and tries to steady himself on the wall but instead weakly flails his hand towards kaito.

"NO! DON’T TOUCH ME!"

“okay...i’m not sure if i’m dead or not but i’m pretty sure i’m not contagious.”

kaito puts on his KID gloves and pulls shinichi up who's still looking dazed and confused.

"listen, i know you're a little disoriented what with all th- shit! your head is bleeding. okay *deep breathes* come with me but do NOT touch me."

"you're the one holding my hand"

"not the UNCLOTHED parts of me"

"I wasn't planning to 😒"

"OH MY GOD 🙄"

i still have 2 other variations of pushing daises kaishin au left ;)

#kaishin #kuroba kaito #kudou shinichi #dcmk #detective conan #dc prattles #im not adding the 'someone else dies when you let someone you revived live for more than a minute' rule because im gods weakest soldier lmao #but that's also a really great factor to think about if you want to go the super very angsty route #anyways this been in the drafts since forever cos i havent finished the other 2 but oh well here you go have this silly au #also also toichi 'died' and there's no body so kaito won't even be able to revive him one last time ;-; #i say 'died' cos i dont really know if this man is really dead or not lmao #ANYWAYS now shinichi needs to disappear #idk how but shinichi ends up staying with kaito and also finding out that he's kid #shinichi describes to kaito that the people who did that to him were 'men in black' and immediately kaito assumes it might be snake and co #im thinking maybe since agasa isn't there to talk some sense into him that shinichi would be like 'im gonna hunt them down as myself!' #and kaito is like BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH #kaito gets frustrated and ends up vaguely implying that he knows who tried to kill him #OFC BEFORE ALL THIS SHINICHI QUESTIONS KAITO ABOUT WHAT TF HAPPENED COS HE'S 99.9% SURE HE WAS DEAD lol #again since im gods weakest soldier and pandora is deus ex machina my beloved LOL #a way to revive shinichi properly is through pandora or maybe make kaito lose his power #IDK I JUST WANT THEM TO KISS AND MAKE OUT SO PANDORA DO YOUR IMMORTALITY THING IDC!!!!!! #THAT FUCKING PLASTIC WRAP KISS FROM THE ACTUAL SHOW WONT FLY WITH ME I NEED KAISHIN SUCKING FACE LMAOOO #anyways theres 2 more different pushing daises kaishin au in the draftsssss #they get angstier ayooo!!!

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[hella1975]

im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia

#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT #but also i just. cannot hack it #'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also #like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently #and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good #and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home #so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN #and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum #that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job #like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good #and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications #and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-' #and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no #like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set #on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through #is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through #ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL #and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there #but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree #(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use #and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person #to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer #bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly #and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident #and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people) #i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments #i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it #yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment #i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up #hella goes to uni

[snailune]

wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it

#personal #i just want to make things so bad #it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it #i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life #if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art #if im making something im spending less time with them #and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences #but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that #and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends #but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas #i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors #all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick #so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!! #i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included #but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad #i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum #maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes #for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult #and not spend to much time thinking about this

[nerdie-faerie]

I've got two family events coming up during term time and I'm trying to decide if the trips are worth the cost by asking if my family is actually going to be attending them and my mum's response was 'I might be able to convince your dad if we know you're going :)' girl I'm not spending nearly £60 just to come down for the weekend only to then find out I'm going by myself

#+Extra #travel tag #one of my cousins has a babyshower coming up in may on a Sunday when i have class on Monday #i already know my mum isnt intending to go to that one and my aunt that lives in between me and them also isnt going so i cant go with them #its the most inconvenient of the two and i have to be home a week after so ive declined that one #but another cousin recently announced an engagement/housing warming party weekend at the end of april #and when my mum told me about it i asked if she was going so i knew whether or not to look into tickets #and she hit me with the 'might go if you do :)' girl im not risking £60 on a maybe especially cus getting there will be a nightmare #its not all the way down south with the rest of my family so its technically closer but if im travelling there i need to know #whether to come early and go all the way home so i can arrive with my family on the day or travel down the day of & get there a little late #in the day in the city where its happening and figure out how to get to the event by myself and sort out getting ready and everything #or like to not bother what so ever and theres no guarantee which day theyll go cus its both Saturday and/or Sunday #ideally id only go Saturday cus i got class first thing monday but i also dont wanna be there by myself #im not close with my cousins and my dad doesnt get along with my mums side of the family so its highly likely id be there by myself #which i absolutely do not want especially if im getting there late cus of relying on public transport #edit: itll cost between £50-£120 to travel o.o depending on how i travel #if i get the train the whole way cus its quicker and times are more convenient itll cost £120 for a return for a 3 hour trip #or i could spend £40ish to get there by train then £10 on an overnight coach back #which is cheaper than the £60ish it would cost to get coaches both ways and the travel times for coaches were ridiculous #but jesus christ 🤦‍♀️

[every-captain]

I really have got to calm down and stop trying to live 5 years from now and just let myself live right now. I've built a little life and i'm not even LIVING in it because I'm drowning so deep in the idea that this isnt good enough.

I pay the bills I need to pay, I go to work and buy groceries. I make more than I ever have, I've got projects to work on, I've got my responsibilities in hand, so why cant I just let myself take a deep breath and calm down? Why cant this be good enough for now so that I can actually enjoy where I'm at?

I'm gonna look back and regret how I've treated the last few years because I'm so caught up in wanting to be somewhere else that I'm completely frozen and I'm incapable of appreciating how far I've come.

#Captain Speaking #i'm putting expectations on myself that I dont think are really possible and I think i need to learn to live where i'm at #If i took more hours at work i'd make more money and probably really be OK #It isnt a ton of money but people live on less all the time so maybe I should just be happy with what i have and calm down #especially since the “more” i'm looking for doesnt seem to be happening fo rme #even a “real” office job pays basically what I'm making now so who fucking cares that i'm a barista #anyway sometimes i get so frustrated with myself becasue i think my brain cannot be satisfied with anything less than middle class #and that is just NOT how i'm gonna live #probably ever