#while john Winchester pursues his questionable parenting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mittensmorgul · 2 years

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Rewatch notes for The Winchesters 1.02, mostly for my own reference purposes.

Right in the cold open, we get drug use, music, and dancing around a big fire (pyre) where Barry has decided to tell his father he’s moving on, letting go, and doesn’t question running across his father standing randomly in the woods. He confronts him rather rationally all things considered, and instead of a “healing” conversation he’s bound by roots/vines and dragged away by something.

Parental control is a hell of a toxic thing, yes? :’D

Meanwhile, back to our Plucky Protagonists hunting for their own respective missing parents, and what do they find when they follow Samuel’s trail? A bunch of not-quite-dead-yet zombies, one of them with a newspaper article pinned to his chest, ostensibly by Samuel, leading them on their next quest.

Dean lets us know that parental relationships can be tricky lololol. And apparently this was some sort of MoL warehouse? Definitely a step down for the organization overall. But the files are all gone now anyway. Unfortunately the zombies are not. That gives us a chance to see that the Monster Box doesn’t always work reliably. Lata has used it once, on a demon, but either it doesn’t work on zombies, doesn’t reliably work on demand for any monster, or maybe has a “cool down” period between uses like it takes time to digest its last meal or something? Really looking forward to learning the specifics of how the thing works.

Samuel wants them to look into the missing hippie from the cold open, much like John wanted Sam and Dean to look into mystery coordinates in Colorado that ended up being a completely random hunt that took them AWAY from what John was actually doing. Like this is where John adds that technique to his own playbook, in an episode titled “Teach Your Children Well.”

The gang is Not Pleased by Mary’s leadership style, dictating orders and accepting zero input from the rest of the team. I get it, she’s On A Mission, she knows her father and understands the trail he’s left for her to follow, but *we* know what this trail vaguely looks like because we’ve seen it before-- s1 of Supernatural. Any question of her intent and plan is met with the “my way or the highway” John gives his kids 30+ years in the future. But their concerns are LEGITIMATE: maybe not running into unknown situations with zero weapons and zero idea of what they’re even fighting against is not the best idea...

John struggles with what his father expects of him. He’s good at being a marine scout, at finding things (which tracks with things we knew of him from spn canon, like impressing even Ash at being able to track demon signs, etc.), and we begin to see how he relies on Mary to pursue his own lost father while looking for hers. Like he’s already put her in a special category of magical talisman or as the key to some sort of mental map he’s creating in his search for his own destiny, as it were. Like... the dynamic between them isn’t really romantic at all, but like they’ve both recognized that they’re on parallel quests they feel they sort of need one another for, even if they don’t quite understand why yet.

John confronts his mother, in an interesting parallel to the cold open dude confronting his vine monster father (we can see where this is going right?), and demonstrates his inability even back in the 70′s to like... use a phone. >.>

(noting this here, the one thing Millie shows *us* from the box of Henry’s stuff is his watch, which John showed us last week when he found Henry’s locker at the clubhouse. Is this chekhov’s watch, or just something about “time” or even just a random talisman that’s being used as a symbol for Henry here? Whatever he left behind there-- including spare glasses lol-- it feels like it should have purpose of some sort)

John resisting the musical aliases, and Mary showing her delight at using the fake identity is hilarious. We know in spn canon John didn’t use rock aliases. The few we know (Bert Aframian from the pilot, Elroy McGillicuddy from his insurance card, etc.) are just random names. Like Mary (and Carlos who presumably made the ID cards for them), Dean delights in using rock aliases and Sam... mostly just goes along with it (better than Bikini Inspector, I guess?). But it is presented as An Important Part of Hunting to John, being able to put on this act to get information. And that, if nothing else, seems to be something John taught Dean. Did Dean himself hit on the famous person identity thing to add a bit of fun to the task all on his own? Because I love that.

John is a TERRIBLE liar. omg. just sad. So I get why he resisted putting on the act on TOP of having to lie his way through interviews. I kinda hope he never really gets better at the Peopling™ portion of hunting.

At the Oasis Motel, Carlos and Lata tell us more about themselves and get a little gossip in on John, and his supposed ex, Betty. Carlos talks in music and band metaphors and references, which I love, but is resisting Mary’s leadership. Carlos is used to being a “one man band” as it were, and doesn’t want to take direction from a military band leader directing a march (to continue the themes here, not that that’s how he phrased it). Until Mary tells them they’re going undercover at a commune on a monster hunt and Carlos breaks into song, tambourine at the ready. “Stop, this is a solo.” Age of Aquarius. (Carlos does have incredible Hair, it’s deserved. Am I moderately jealous of JoJo’s gorgeous curls? yes, yes I am :’D). Harmony and understanding (on Carlos’ solo), “sympathy and trust abound” (Carlos tickles John’s cheeks). Yeah, the team is finding their footing working together as a group, all of them have a role on “stage.”

Carlos and Lata find Maya, from the cold open, and even she blames “the drugs” for what she saw-- not Barry’s dad, but some “creepy old thing.” This should’ve been their first clue that the thing was not a mimic or a shapeshifter, but instead... gets ignored because they assume they understand what happened and “the drugs” are responsible for anything else.

Commune Leader Clyde insists Barry probably ran off to California to, “break free from tyranny, shed his past like a skin.” And most kids might think their parents are tyrants, but honestly... lololol... mary twigs to that phrasing though and is already thinking “shapeshifter.” But... mary is also enduring an ordeal of trying to break free of her own past, shed that skin she was raised with, even if she has no idea what lays beyond her known and comfortable universe. Like Dean, she’s never really tried to look beyond hunting and imagine a different life for herself, even if hunting doesn’t feel like something she wants to continue. And like Dean (and like John will someday tell Dean was his hope for him), the normal family life doesn’t even really suit her once she thought she could have it in original spn canon, you know? But like Dean, I think Mary will have to find her own path to that outside of HOW she was raised, not just the fact she was raised a hunter but under Samuel’s strict and controlling regime of hunting. It’s not the hunting she objects to, not really, you know? It’s the parenting...

Mary twigs to the triskelion on Clyde’s Red Herring Necklace.

Ada visits Millie and drops some interesting info in an interesting way-- by making Millie think about it all and come to her own conclusions. she knew Henry, John isn’t as closed off as Henry was, and gives Millie the address of the motel where John is staying for “peace of mind.” Then lets Millie know the jasmine vine Henry planted at the garage was for “protection,” which she’d never known.

Triskelion is for “transformation” and the gang assumes it’s literal. Mary completely disregards the info that Maya gave them-- that she didn’t see whatever Barry saw-- which should’ve ruled out a shapeshifter, because it doesn’t fit HER theory or suspicions.

We get to see, in broad daylight now, what actually happens, what Clyde sees vs what an outside observer sees when he’s taken by the monster. Clyde sees the “mother figure” (a literal nun in this case, sister bernadette) who tormented his childhood. Right after telling his companion that it’s difficult to break from those parental figures, but liberating. He runs to her, almost cowers before her, but the other woman doesn’t see a nun. She sees the monster trapping and dragging Clyde into the ground. *WE* understand this is not a shapeshifter now.

John and Mary talk in the woods, John wondering if his mother is right that he’s not cut out for hunting... mary encouraging him to find his own path. they’re interrupted when carlos and lata find clyde’s friend, wandering dazed-- but unrelated to drugs. Clyde was attacked, mary finds “green blood” splatter and again assumes she knows exactly what it came from-- a mimic (something pretending to be something else lol), which is only vulnerable to copper weapons.

Carlos has no copper weapons, because he collects weaponry based on “quality” and apparently copper is “cheap garbage.” It might be, until you need it to kill something very specific anyway... then it’s worth more than diamonds, you know? John is resourceful, suggesting they rip out the plumbing at the motel since it’s copper (like dude, just hit up a hardware store ffs, it’s probably 100x easier than destroying plumbing you might want to use eventually to wash off the monster goo lololol... already jumping directly to destruction of property in pursuit of an objective tho, which is Very John).

Lata expresses reservations about Mary’s monster ID-- not blood, sap, and the purple flowers are something she doesn’t recognize. Mary runs right over her objections and sends john off to destroy property for copper. Lata is not deterred. From her plants, we cut back to Ada and HER plants at the clubhouse. Lata calls and gets the ID on her mystery flower and sets off to research, Ada finishes her freaky jasmine tea potion, drinks it, and goes into a freewriting trance.

John drove a hippie VW van covered in flower decals (lol at 4.03 where Dean talked him out of buying a similar van) back to the motel and just rips out those pipes. Meanwhile Mary and Carlos are arguing in the woods. He confronts her about her domineering leadership. Mary reasonably fears what NOT stopping to process might get her, she’s afraid for her father and desperate to find him, but Carlos hits a nail on a head-- he subtly tells her he would embrace her leadership but not while she’s leading with the same iron fist Samuel did. She hated his leadership herself, but she could be a different kind of leader if she wanted to. So... not changing WHAT she does, but HOW she does it.

And how did she not like Cabaret? Unless she just hates that the Bad Guys technically win in the end... on that note, I get it... the rise of fascism is horrifying, as we all know >.>

Lata stumbles through the woods to find them, they use Cabaret (and their mixed feelings about it) as a proof of identity, which is ultimately irrelevant when Lata reveals what they’re actually hunting-- a monster that used to be a “real woman” but was twisted into a controlling and abusive mother. Her kids tried to escape by hobbling her, but she still caught them, chopped them up, and fed them to her flowers, which were transformed by dark magic driving her to repeat the cycle, stealing other people to feed her flowers...

Interestingly, as Carlos puts the pieces together-- what better place for LaTunda to find “disobedient children” to feed on than at a commune dedicated to liberation from parental tyranny, right? All you can eat buffet for her and her flowers. But Mary is an “obedient” child, right? She learned all the lessons Samuel taught her, even when she hated his methods, and she’s still looking for him. She’s worried for John, who LaTunda overheard talking about defying his mom.

Back at the motel, John puts all the copper pipes down and just casually answers the door. He doesn’t have a lot of hunter instincts yet does it (hide the weapons, don’t just open the door without being prepared for a monster on the other side). But face to face with Not!Millie, John... doesn’t directly rebel. He doesn’t disobey. Because his primary issue with her isn’t direct disobedience, like LaTunda requires to feed on. She has to talk him around to defying her, eventually resorting to direct manipulation, fabrication. Like... dangit, son, REBEL ALREADY. How far does she have to push him to become what she needs him to be? Kinda works in John’s favor here, because she needs him to be dinner, so she pushes in ways that make John realize this is NOT his mother. But it’s like his acknowledgement that she’s not his mother and his attempted attack on her is enough to activate the “disobedient” cue for her and make it possible for her to take him.

The rest of the gang arrives just a moment too late. Lata sees the flowers she left behind and knows John is in her lair, while Mary desperately searches the room for him, insisting he must still be there. She finally has to admit that Lata and Carlos were right, and then goes further, admitting that when she knew Samuel wasn’t there to find, she just wanted to rush through the case to get back to hunting for him instead of doing the job properly. Which... is weirdly Sam-ish of her, you know? S1 of spn, it was Dean content (well... at least obedient lol) enough to keep following their dad’s seemingly random (and randomly given) leads. Think: Scarecrow. Sam was like “forget the case, just let those people die, we have a lead on Dad!” that gets him tangled up with Meg and nearly gets Dean killed before Sam swoops back in and saves the day. I think this is something Mary’s gonna have to keep dealing with, at least until they find Samuel. But she’s actually Talking about it and Apologizing for her behavior and owning it.

They work so much better as a team :’)

Playing to their individual strengths, Mary looks to Lata for leadership. Meanwhile John is trapped in her lair with Clyde and Barry, who aren’t looking great...

Of course the monster’s only vulnerability is Her Heart (lol), which has to be pierced with “magic as strong as her.” So... a part of her.

John sees LaTunda return, but he sees his mother, while Barry sees his father feeding on him with the viney arms. While distracted feeding, John escapes his vine bonds and helps free Clyde, who runs for it when John turns back to try to help Barry, and is beaten down by LaTunda. When the other three arrive to save they day, they see the truth of her, not an illusion. Mary tells John to go for her leg, which he shatters. Mary picks up a broken bit of it and stabs her in the heart, giving John his second gross facial of the episode (zombie blood, now monster sap) :’D

They take Barry home, and he reunites with his father, now with a bit of perspective, we hope. John introduces Mary to Millie, who’d fixed Mary’s car for her. But then... we see John apologize to Millie, admitting he was never angry with her, but his father, who’s not there to take it out on. And then we get Millie’s speech about “I love you,” that her biggest regret is not getting a chance to say it to Henry the last time he left, when he disappeared forever.

BECAUSE THAT’S NOT A REFERENCE TO ANYTHING SPECIFIC AT ALL I’M SURE >.>

Carlos is the Pizza Man :’D

Mary is Crosby, and out of CSNY... Carlos assigns himself Young because he’s a renegade (and they’d already said Young had already left the group at this point... which terrifies me for Carlos’ sake...)

A bookshelf starts moving revealing a secret passageway and Ada, to the shock of the rest of the crew. Ada doesn’t have all the info on the demon who possessed her, on the magic monster trap box, nor on the Akrida, but she has more than they did before, and we know there’s way more to the clubhouse than we knew before. Our team bonds over pizza, Millie looks finally happy and at peace with Henry’s jasmine vines, and we meet the creepy cloaked person with a bunch of creepier spider minion things.

#spnwin 1.02 #the winchesters #spnwin s1 rewatch notes

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hoboal87 · 3 years

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Some thoughts and a quasi fix-it on the Finale (SPOILERS)

I want to preface this by saying that I like the finale, if you didn’t, I completely get that, and if you just want to say nasty things, you can move on to the next post =)

I’ll try to keep my thoughts coherent, but no promises. Obviously, a lot of things had to change with this final episode of COVID-19, and I’ll try to address how I think they could’ve worked around it without changing the essence of this episode, which again, I’ll reiterate, I liked.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

As the episode opens, we see the boys living a “normal” life. They don’t have to worry about cosmic entities anymore, they can just do what they do best. I honestly loved this, the boys just being domestic: cooking breakfast, doing research, doing laundry, all of it. My one complaint about this opening montage is there is no clear passage of time. How long has it been since Chuck was rendered powerless? A day? A week? A few months? A year? In my opinion, it’s been maybe a couple of weeks, but I feel like the writers were trying to imply that it’s been a couple of months and it was just unclear. For me, that would have solved one of my few issues with the episode. So let's change it up a little =)

We open similarly, but in the background, we can see the date it is actually five years (or whatever amount) later. The boys are getting ready for their respective days, Dean is living in an apartment over a bar, and we watch as Sam returns from his run and enters a small house. Dean doesn’t just live above the bar, he owns it, finally having some normalcy in his life, this is what wants. He proudly displays pictures of Sam, Bobby, Mary and John, his own way of keeping them close.Sam walks into the kitchen and sees a note on the refrigerator.

“Gone to get supplies, see you tonight, Love, E.”

Sam smiles at the note as he twirls the silver band on his finger, taking in the black and white sonogram displayed prominently next to the note. We follow Sam through the house, and we see photos of his and Eileen’s wedding, and pictures of their families. His kids will never have questions about their pasts, about their families, Sam and Eileen are intent on that.

Dean opens his bar, it’s a steady crowd, flirts with some of the women, but isn’t really pursuing anything, he’s closed himself off to the idea of a wife and kids. He’s got a nephew that’ll be here in a few months anyway, and he’s already told Sam how he plans to spoil that kid rotten. We cut between Sam and Dean, watching them go through their day, Dean working at the bar, Sam with papers splayed in front of him, implying he’s gone back to school. They’re both content, finally getting what they’ve always truly wanted. They still hunt, that much is apparent as we see them at one point cleaning their weapons or doing research.

As Dean closes up the bar he sends Sam a message.

“You ready for tomorrow?”

Sam rolls his eyes playfully, “are you sure its the best idea?”

“Hell, yes. I was born ready, it’s my destiny. Tomorrow 8 am.”

This would be, maybe a 5 to 7 minute opening scene? Then we get the title card. The rest of the episode plays the same from here. Sam and Dean go on a mini-vacation, which turns into a hunt.

So about Dean’s death. I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Personally, I don’t think there was any other way to end the series. As a bunch of people pointed out, Dean’s been saying some form of “I die bloody” since the beginning of the show. Now, did I want Dean to die? No. Dean deserved to live a full and happy life, but as Michael said, “since when do we get what we deserve?”

I rewatched the episode yesterday, and I SOBBED like a fucking baby throughout Dean’s death scene. I will agree it was a little Wincest-y, but, honestly, is it really that surprising? Sam and Dean have only ever had each other. Dean raised Sam, Dean is Sam's parent in every way that counts. A user pointed out, I’m so sorry if you see this please let me know and I will tag to your post, Dean speech starts more as a father to son type instead of brother to brother.

Sam is in shock when Dean tells him that he’s hurt, immediately going with “I’ll get the first aid kit.” The look on Dean’s face is heart-breaking, and you can see that he has already accepted his fate, he’s known since the second that the rebar (NOT A FUCKING NAIL) went through him that he was not walking away. Sam is going through all the stages of grief in just a few minutes.

Denial – “I’ll get the first aid kit.”

Anger – “No, we are gonna get [the boys] somewhere safe.”

Bargaining – “I’ll find a way, I’ll find another way.”

Depression – “Don’t leave me. I can’t do this alone.”

Acceptance – “It’s okay, Dean. You can go now.”

All the while, Dean is telling Sam how proud of him he is, and that he “loves [Sam] so much.” Now, please correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that this is the first time that Dean has said to Sam that he loves him. I know we’ve heard him say it to other people and it’s definitely been implied, and the closest we got was in sacrifice, “don’t you think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you.”

Dean died in his brother’s arms, which to me, was beautiful. Can you imagine, though, Sam, carrying his brother’s lifeless body back to the Impala, setting him down gingerly in the back seat and driving back to the bunker?

I believe that we were supposed to get a lot of people at Dean’s funeral. Jody, Donna, Charlie, Bobby, Claire, (honestly, probably anyone who could be there.) But with travel restrictions into Vancouver, this had to change. It is not realistic for the writers/producers to ask people to quarantine for 2 weeks to shoot a half-day (if that) of filming. I did see that Samantha Ferris did say she wasn’t spoken to about the possibility of returning. I truly believe Shoshanna was supposed to be in this episode, but, her role was going to be very limited, and as much as I wanted to see her (obviously, from the above section) I firmly believe that she was supposed to be the woman Sam married.

Again let’s fix the second half of the episode:

Sam and Eileen give Dean a hunter’s funeral, and Sam quits the life altogether. He doesn’t want his son to ever lose him to a hunt. Eileen helps Sam through his depression, knowing exactly how it feels to lose your family. We get a similar montage, Sam takes over the bar, takes in Miracle, and keeps the Impala tucked away, for now, it’s too painful to even look at. Sam leaves Dean’s apartment as is for the longest time, afraid to move anything, what if he forgets where to put it back? We can see he’s just going through the motions, that is, until his son is born.

We see Sam cradling a newborn in his arms, Dean had joked from the moment Eileen announced her pregnancy that they should name the baby after him. Sam and Eileen laughed him off at the time, saying the world only ever needed one Dean Winchester. But now, Sam can’t think of any better way to honor his brother, than to name his son Dean.

Dean is in Heaven, greeted by Bobby who tells him all about new Heaven. Jack fixed it, and it is the Heaven that Dean deserves. When Bobby mentions Cas, Dean smirks, and Bobby assures him that Cas is around. Dean spots Baby, and tells Bobby that he's going to take her for a drive. Dean doesn’t know how long he's going to drive, but remembers Bobby’s words, “time works different up here,” and knows that eventually Sam will join him.

Dean watches from afar as Sam lives on, raising his son and daughter (cause honestly Sam would want more than one kid), he keeps them knowledgeable about the life, but they don’t hunt. On Dean Jr.’s eighteenth birthday Sam takes him to get an anti-possession tattoo, but it is more of a symbol to honor his family, Sam teaches Dean about the Impala, and how to take care of her, and he’s a natural mechanic just like his Uncle. Once a year, on the anniversary of his brother’s death, Sam sits in Baby, and feels connected to Dean, telling him much he misses him and how he wishes he was with him.

Dean watches as Sam grows old, and keeps his word, even though Sam didn’t know it, he’s been by his side the whole time. On his deathbed, Sam is surrounded by his children and Eileen (or an Eileen stand-in), who tell him it’s okay to go, and tells them all how much he loves them before letting go.

We cut to Dean, waiting on a bridge, the same one from his and Sam’s first hunt, and he can feel himself becoming whole again.

“Heya Sammy.”

#supernatural #supernatural finale #supernatural spoilers #dean winchester #sam winchester #semi-fix it fic #fix-it fic

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prairiedust · 4 years

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Gimme Shelter livewatch under the cut.... I was on my phone when I wrote it so apologies for the typos

“Patchwork Community Center: Care Given to All” with a huge, lurid heart. Hmmm.... patchwork having two meanings here.....

Pastor (?) has 2 Timothy 2:22 tattooed on his arm! “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” (NIV) Are we looking at growth and found family in this episode?!?

Oh that’s the alleyway!

Hitting mythology themes— Connor is an Anglicized version of an Irish name— Conchobar mac Nessa is maybe the most famous bearer of the name, from Irish mythology— he’s the king who lusted after Deirdre and had her locked up until she came of age, which is probably neither here nor there as far as this poor Connor is concerned...

That thing has a big lurid heart on his overalls better run lol— Oh shit it’s an evil Teddy Ruxpin!!!! Thanks Davy Perez!!!!

That’s the thing animal control uses to manage aggressive animals??? Is this saying something about the Patchwork people?

And that’s it for the cold open.

——

The uh, the mcfuckin what, the Camelot Palace Casino? Is this a tour of the legends of Ireland and Britain all of a sudden? What’s with hitting this theme so hard so fast?

Uh-oh the whole Highway to Heaven reference has me side-eyeing Dean’s suggestion for Cas snd Jack to leave the bunker... Dabb even “spoiled” that line in a tweet lol... in that show the cop and the angel got their (vague) assignments from the big guy.......

Oh SHIT “we’re standing in what I call ‘the trap zone’” Perez is coming for my whole life with this episode!!!! And they’re doing highkey “season one totally-normal Winchester investigation questions script” I love it!!!!

“Slasher flick” Oh we’re revisiting Mint Condition. This is fine.

AND TOMBSTONE THIS IS NOT FINE DAVY! We’re running the good times backwards what did I say about this being the flipside of Last Holiday!

H2H again but this time it’s sus... plus I’m with Zack, I totally want the cozy murder spinoff I imagined Adam and Michael doing plz

Oh the Cas and Jack dynamic here is so sweet.

Pastor just leaving his door open like there’s no such thing as a thief bless his heart. They must be torn up about Connor but Pastor was the last one to talk to him so he’s sus I don’t make the rules.

Oh no Red’s a THIEF!!! Who ever would have guessed. Okay I did NOT expect that jumpscare because of the way Connor’s murder primed me, that was masterfully done.

That’s vaguely an Ohio Star quilt square on the sign behind her except um I forget what that tilted square in the center turns it into? It’s chiming with something... I’ll have to look that up later.

“Divide and conquer” no never split up in a slasher movie that’s how you get murders use the buddy system!

Gonna stop a sec because I just realized that Zack is two-faced. The British dandy was an act. The killer is wearing a Cinderella mask. Ok I’m gonna make a prediction that Zack is actually the killer, a la the demon in Repo Man...

Okay there was definitely a beat after Dean said “Glad soneone’s taking charge” [ofHell] and the focus shifted to Sam. Hm.

“We’ve got to set her up for her own death” so meta, these writers are gonna shred us.

I love being shown how much Castiel has changed throughe Jack not understanding the Kool-Aid reference. And the cats line lol. That’s both amazing and poignant.

That’s a log cabin pattern in the cafeteria. Home. Makes me think back on other quilts we’ve seen this season and if “weaving” is the right metaphor for writing lol. I mean, the action of “patching” is synonymous with “mending” or even healing, but patchwork is also a craft with a long, long history in America (idk if quiltmaking is called patchwork everywhere) of taking a few often mismatched fabrics and cutting and sewing into something beautiful. There are generally two kinds of quilt tops— patterns, like we’ve seen so far in this season, which are carefully planned and involve precise measurements, and “crazy quilts” which also require skill but are often more freeform and piecemeal. But both aspire to be beautiful. That’s an interesting way to conceptualize a serial text... as both creating and mending....

That prayer was sweet and not at all what I was expecting.

I get the finger-cutting for Valerie (stealing=sticky fingers) but not for Connor? Tenuous connection still betw lying and writing? It’s evocative of Se7en but the killer seems to have the same MO for all the killings (I attended CSI for a while.)

Snow White is making me uneasy. Oh she’s the preacher’s daughter... we’ve seen that in early days, too.... oh.... oh....

It’s not the AV guy despite having seen all the AV equipment around Valerie. That’s too easy.

“A saint is a sinner who keeps trying-“ no scroll back, the important part was “we all have to take care of each other.” That’s a theme in the series.

She’s all in pink....

dean and amara on the same wavelength about food lol

Ha ha inversion of “oh you’re a fan of religion? name all seven gods then.”

Castiel’s testimony just wrecked me.

“Members serve the gift of food” hmmm the signs in this episode are tip-top

Gonna just watch for a while.

Oh crap “each is a finger” oh it’s about the sins of the father— No Cas no, you’ve fallen for the misdirection!

Oh okay good, Chuck’s not done snuffing worlds. That had me REALLY WORKED UP ha ha because Amara has no reason to lie right?

That was a really good conversation.... and implying that Former Death bent the truth...

Oh fuck I’m gonna cry “I wanted younto see that your mother was just a person” YES! DISMANTLE THIS MYTHOLOGY AMARA!!! Name it!

THE MYTH THAT YOU’D HELD ON TO FOR SO LONG did they just— THEY DID

rigging the game— ftfoh with the casino metaphors already we know the house always wins except when it doesn’t

Lying, lying, lying,

Do we even know Snow White’s name yet? And why was Connor a liar? Because I think we can make a guess at this point.... ah ha ha her name is sylvia�� “forest spirit” she’s Mrs Butters— and she’s after hypocrites— but the killing isn’t supernatural, just churchy?

Oh shit SHE IS A DEAN MIRROR IF SHE STABS JACK I’LL FLIP A DAMN TABLE

....

prairiedust.exe has encountered an error and must be restarted

....

Okay so “Dad” steps in and stops Sylvia’s attack on Jack...

Why is that Zack? What????

“I’ve been lying to you” oh here we go

Oh it would be death #3, remember what Dabb said about threes a long time ago, two attempts that are unsuccessful and one that satisfies the parameters— but no he’s a jack :((((

I have to stop watching for a while.

Okay I finished it. Holy cats do I have some Thoughts about this episode.

What I loved: Revisiting Dean’s anger, BUT the parental mirror here (in retrospect, at least for me) was a John mirror-- all the mothers (exc for Rowena) in this episode are dead. And Pastor Joe didn’t apparently embrace his wife’s faith until she had died, and then his vision was radically different than his wife’s was-- much like John’s reasons for becoming a hunter were vastly different from Mary’s... but much like “patching” this subtext was possibly even more “healing” than having John back in the 300th ep... This was... looking at a child’s anger when they’re in the middle of their own family mythology. Am I implying that Dean’s anger is immaturity? Eh, it’s... unripeness. I have an old meta in my drafts about the heroine’s journey and why Mary’s story conformed to it while feeling totally unfulfilling in her actual character arc and I’m so glad I sat down and examined that rather than finish it. I have a lot I want to say about Cas’ testimony too, but that has to sit a while. ALSO also, Cas has already thrown away his shot by making the Empty deal, right?....

LANGUAGE! Cas saying “I found myself lost” is a bonkers sentence, right? It’s like when people say someone “turned up missing”-- AND it does not have the same meaning as “I realized I was lost”-- you get a double whammy of the connotation “to search for.” I loved loved loved how language was such a big deal in Last Holiday and then again here, I need to rewatch while paying closer attention to Sylvia and things she says... but these two were sister episodes in so many ways, that when I said there was a “lack of narrative mirrors” in Last Holiday, that’s only because the lens for that kind of reading is Gimme Shelter. That is not the first time spn has played with a “coin” or paired structure-- I think the first time I noticed it was Fan Fiction/Ask Jeeves but I was a transfer student from another fandom at the time lol. But of course, we get a huge truth bomb at the end of the episode, and again that splashy cymbal all over lying...

What I got wrong-- Zack wasn’t the killer but he’s fishy as hell-- he stole Sylvia! Is this part of Rowena’s “people generally end up where they deserve to be” except she’s built in an express lane? “Do you need a driver” is that his actual job now? Taking unripe souls to Hell Orientation? What’s up with him being there... the other shoe did not drop. So there is a third episode out there somewhere where this might get wrapped up? The conversation between Dean and Cas can easily be something that happens offscreen, and I don’t think that it would be the first time we miss an “important” conversation, especially since we know roughly what will be said and how it will wrap up-- it’s an “open text” of a sort. Maybe a fanfiction gap lol, I can’t wait for the codas.

Also, the fingers thing being Sylvia’s father’s favorite analogy is where she got her MO, something that I definitely didn’t see, although it fits right in with her father’s slightly pithy character. I think it’s interesting again how we’re playing with threes and fours. Three fingers got cut off but it was apparent that Valerie (valorious one) wouldn’t die until finger #4.... Jack really seems to be our last hope.

#the folklore of supernatural #the mythology of supernatural #mary winchester #davy perez #the second timothy of supernatural #gimme shelter #season 15 #my mom gave me the family baby name book when i was about eleven and so i had an obsession with names #all of my characters in all of my stories had Important Symbolic Names LOL #it amused my father who told me I needed to read herman melville #and there's a little bit of my own family mythos.#now i harangue my own kid to write and stuff ha ha ha except instead of a baby name book i gave him watership down #same effect #more rabbit fighting

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 5 years

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What would the Winchesters do: the accelerated edition

It appears that Donatello’s suggestion to Jack isn’t simply an in-story element but also an interpretative lens for these last few episodes of the season. Jack finds himself facing moral dilemmas that the Winchesters have been dealing with themselves, and the big question hanging over the episode is what do we do? to which the three Winchesters (whom the narrative treats as a homogenous trio in relation to the meanings attached to their actions) learn how to give a good answer to over the course of the episode.

Mary is dead. And Jack starts metaphorically spinning, but also going on a physical journey all across the world, on the fast-tracked version of the Winchester brothers’ life across the country after Mary’s loss sent the family on a life on the road. And Jack remains alone, with the ghost of his father as his only guide, who tells him that he cannot trust the people around him because they won’t trust him, and there I see a metaphor for Dean and Sam’s isolated existences after the family embraces a solitary form of hunting separated not only from the civilian world but also from the preexisting hunter communities --John’s choice to protect his sons as he suspected that Sam’s connection to the supernatural (which obviously could be presumed that got Mary killed, just like Jack’s powers caused Mary’s death now) could be an issue.

It’s interesting that Jack’s plan to fix the problem is exactly the same as Dean’s. So, what do we do? Sam asks when Rowena reveals that Mary is no longer on earth, confirming their worst suspicions. And Dean answers, What do we always do when we lose one of our own? We fight. We fight to bring them back. As Sam inquires how, Dean has a plan: call Rowena for a magical solution, get Mary’s soul back from heaven. And while they’re on their way - Sam and Dean to Rowena’s, Cas to heaven - Jack is pursuing the same plan, showing up at Rowena’s. And there Jack acts like a Dean at his worst (I’m reminded of the scene, penned by the same Berens, where he threatens Kaia while similarly worried about Mary) but we could interpret the parallel to diverge here because Jack’s treatment of Rowena is framed as crossing lines that we don’t normally see our protagonists doing, not with friends. It’s basically the overblown version of Jack’s problem with boundaries, highlighted by the contrast with Cas’ flashback where he asks Mary for permission to touch her, in order to heal her, and respects her no.

And then the parallel definitely diverges when Jack performs the ritual. It’s a bad idea, not worse than many of his fathers’ past bad ideas, that it is supposed to mirror. Jack even switches off the Impala’s engine, and we know what the car has always represented. We can interpret that moment as a metaphor for Jack killing Mary and thus breaking Dean’s spirit and trust, but we can also interpret it as a mirror to Dean’s own ministrations to bring back dead family members, especially his deal for Sam’s life. Jack’s ill-conceived attempt to bring back a dead family member is a mirror to what Dean referred to earlier when he talked about “fighting” to bring loved ones back - from his deal to the various actions to get Mary and Jack back from the apocalypse world - and its failure shows Dean, and Sam and Cas, that that’s not the right way to deal with the loss.

Eventually, when Sam asks again So, what are we supposed to do now?, Dean again answers What we always do. But this time he sees the reality -- fighting back at all costs is not what they do; they have done it a few times but those times all came at terrible costs and they have learnt from those times. What they really always do when they lose a family member - John, Bobby, Kevin, Charlie, Cas himself recently - is to say goodbye. Dean passes through various stages through the episode, from the initial denial to anger and so on, until he reaches the stage of acceptance and together they say goodbye to Mary with a hunter’s funeral.

Throughout the episode, Dean, Sam and Cas learn themselves the answer to the question what would the Winchester do in case of a terrible loss. At first they attempt the same answer that Jack does -- and there’s so much dramatic irony there, because Jack really has learnt from his fathers, but his fathers are still on a journey of learning... -- but eventually they realize the right answer.

And, to go back to the “accelerated version of the Winchester family history” metaphor, where this iteration of Mary’s death is a metaphor for the entire tragic events that the Winchesters went through after that fateful night in 1983, Jack’s realization that his desperate plan didn’t work is the accelerated version of the Winchesters’ long, tortuous path of learning that the actions of “ill-conceived lone-wolf desperation”, to quote Anael from the previous episodes, don’t work.

In fact, the actions of ill-conceived desperation encouraged by the father (the approach to the world and to life instilled in them by John Winchester’s parenting in Dean and Sam’s case, by his experience as an angel of the Lord in Cas’ case - not a coincidence Cas just went on a trip to find God similar to his attempt in season 5) don’t work. In fact, all you get is just a shell of Mary Winchester (who represents the opposite of the “father”), incapable of holding life.

It’s going to be interesting to see what is the lesson that Jack drew from his experience through this episode, because it appears the show is taking Jack’s role as a mirror of the three Dean, Sam and Cas very intensely in this last batch of the season. I’m excited to see what’s in store for us...

#my spn thoughts #spn meta #spn 14x18 #dean and sam and cas and jack #parallels #spn

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cyi-can-you-imagine · 5 years

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Starved - Chapter 23

Chapter 23 – Found

When Sam awoke again, he was strapped down to a bed. He did not pull on the restraints. He was heavily sedated, and had a hard time focusing. Everything was fuzzy. Where was his dad? Where was Dean?

As if in answer to his silent question, Sam heard a voice in the darkness.

“Hey Sammy?” Dean. Dean was by his side. His brother grabbed his hand and interlaced their fingers. Sam loved it when Dean did that. He smiled and sighed heavily, struggling with the heavy medication.

“Sammy? I know…you’re in a hospital, but you’re safe, ok? I promise. I know you don’t like it. We’re going home today, ok? The wrist things are so you don’t tear your IVs out again, ok? But I’m gonna get you out of here. Real soon, ok? I promise.

Sam just blinked. He couldn’t even decide if he should be scared or not.

Dean tried to talk to him, but his words made no sense in Sam’s brain. Sam just listened to Dean’s voice. Not his words, but the sound of his voice. Like a calming melody.

As Sam drifted off again, he heard Dean talking to a man with a soft voice.

“I can’t thank you enough for bringing my brother back to me. You saved his life.”

“S’alright, man. I knew he…I knew he needed help. He’s so young. I knew he didn’t belong in that bar. And when I heard him yelling in the bathroom, I –“ The man’s voice trailed off.

After a beat, Sam heard Dean speak again.

“Listen, uh, about that. Can we talk for a minute? In private? I have some questions to ask, if that’s ok.”

Dean pulled the man aside and closed the door while Sam slept and discovered how Sam was brought to the hospital.

Duke was a biker, minding his own business having some drinks at the bar when he saw Sam sitting in the corner. He clearly didn’t belong there, but you know, sometimes dads bring their boys in. He’d looked around but seen no parental figures.

He watched as the boy drank from a flask in his jacket. He knew something wasn’t quite right, so he just decided to keep an eye on the situation, not saying anything. Didn’t want to scare the kid off…especially if he might be in trouble.

Later, he heard a fight in the bathroom. He quickly surveyed the area, and seeing the boy gone, he practically flew to the bathroom, but it was locked.

“I had to save him. I had to. It would mean….it would mean that I could save his life. I couldn’t save my brother…but I could save yours. And I…I knew it was me that was meant to save him. So I stayed with him when he came here. He was…alone. I didn’t want him to…to die alone, you know? I didn’t know if he’d…”

Dean waited while the big man regained his composure.

“My brother would have wanted that. He’d have been so proud of me. I kicked that door in…but he was alone. It was the strangest thing – but I figured whoever it was beatin’ on him had just jumped out the window.”

Duke paused and looked back over at Sam’s sleeping form before he slowly turned back to Dean.

“I’m glad he’s going to be ok. I really am.”

Dean pulled the man into a big, grateful hug.

Duke left while Sam was still sleeping.

Dean kept the man’s number.

It took a while to settle in once they got back home. Sam was still drugged up and weak. His shoulder had a huge gash in it that the doctors sewed up, but his knee and arm were mostly healed at this point. Sam would always have scarring on his arms, and he’s lost some feeling in the burned areas, but the pain had mostly gone away.

Bobby and Rufus helped Dean to get Sam settled into his bed. Once Sam was dressed and tucked in and propped up inside clean sheets, Bobby and Rufus left to give the boys time to be alone together.

But Sam seemed to tense up when the older men left the room. Dean pulled up a chair and sat up near Sam’s head.

“Sam, I…I’m so glad you’re home. Finally. We don’t have to run anymore. Right? I mean…He’s gone. Dad’s finally truly gone, right? He’s not I your head anymore?” Dean reached his hand forward to touch his brother’s face, but Sam pulled away. Dean froze.

Sam sat back in the bed, his hands clenched. His foot bounced up and down under the sheet. His eyes narrowed. Blood rushed through his ears so loudly he almost couldn’t think.

He didn’t even hear Dean the first three times he called him. He only reacted when Dean finally grabbed his shoulder.

“Sam! What’s wrong with you? I called your name like three fucking times.”

Sam grimaced at his brother’s touch and shoved Dean’s hand off of his shoulder. He clenched his teeth and snarled.

“Don’t touch me, Dean.” His voice was low and gravelly.

Dean quickly took a step back. “Sam, what the hell?” He was thoroughly confused. And worried.

“Back off, Dean.” Sam stood up, making sure to not look at his brother.

Dean tentatively took another step closer. But Sam just looked at him, burning a hole through him. Dean put his hands up and took three steps back.

Sam closed his eyes. Still under heavy sedation, he fell asleep again quickly. Dean watched him until he was clearly sound asleep, breathing heavily and evenly. Then he quietly walked out closing the door behind him. No one watched him wipe his eyes with his sleeve.

Bobby and Rufus had gone up to talk to Sam, and almost two hours later, they came downstairs and told a pacing Dean that Sam’s memories were confused. He had memories of both his dad and Dean hurting him. He also thought John might still be inside him (even though Braven assured everyone Sam was not possessed when they first got home.)

Dean sank down into the chair by the fire and put his head in his hands. Even though Sam was back – finally back and safe for good – he wasn’t really back.

He had false memories of Dean giving him to their dad willingly. Dean telling his dad it was all Sam’s fault that they were together. That Sam forced him. He was terrified of Dean. He didn’t want to be around him.

It was three days before Sam would even talk to Dean.

***

Sam looked up into his brother’s eyes. He was sitting on the floor, arms raised in defense, his shirt scrunched up in Dean’s tight fist, the anger seething out of his older brother.

“Dean, please!” He choked back a sob.

“You heard me you evil son of a bitch. Get out of my fucking room. Get out of the fucking house.” Sam scrambled to his feet, wrenching out of his brother’s grasp, his pleading eyes never leaving Dean’s.

“Don’t fucking look at me like that,” Dean reached out, and, placing his hands on Sam’s shoulders, shoved him back against the wall. Sam landed hard against it, knocking the wind out of him. He tried one more time.

“Dean, you don’t know what you are saying. Please, just let me-“ he reached out to his brother, but the hatred in Dean’s eyes made him draw back.

“Get. The fuck. Out.” Sam started backing out of the room, feeling smaller with each step he took. He knew it was pointless. Dean was not going to listen to him. He was too far gone to hear anything he tried to tell him. Dean continued to pursue him, walking toward him with absolute malice.

“Dean, please. Dad’s g-gone –“ but Dean had had enough. He reached out with his fist and connected with Sam’s jaw. Sam saw little white sparks in front of his eyes with the punch. He felt blood drip from his lower lip. He instinctively wanted to fight back, but knew there was no point. He wasn’t going to fight his brother.

Dean grabbed him by the shirt again and shoved him out the door. He continued to push and shove the younger Winchester down the hall. Sam tried to speak up, but Dean’s rage overpowered him. He tried to push back, just to gain some footing, but Dean was relentless. He just returned with another punch. Dean continued forward, backing his little brother up to the stairs.

“Get out of my brother you son of a bitch!” Dean yelled, swing at Sam again. Sam panicked. He needed to prove he wasn’t possessed by John anymore. He put his hands up and tried to take a step forward.

“Dean, listen, it’s…” But it was too late. The punch came at him with such force, it was powerful enough to send him crashing to the floor. He didn’t even have time to reach his hands out to block his fall. Sam heard the crack of his own skull on the concrete floor seconds before he blacked out.

He woke up screaming.

Dean was beside him, shaking him, fear in his eyes. Sam was sweating and moaning in fear.

“Sammy?” Dean desperately wanted to touch him, but didn’t want to get too close - but Sam just pulled him into his arms. Sam’s fever had broken, His hallucinations disappeared.

”Dad’s gone…Dean…Dean, he’s really gone…and I’m - I’m safe. I’m safe?”

Dean nodded. Sam collapsed into grateful tears. Almost a year of captivity and pain. Finally, his dad was gone. He was with Dean. Dean, who loved him. Dean, who saved him.

Dean. His true love. Sam pulled him close and drew him into a passionate kiss.

Dean practically collapsed himself with joy.

But joy comes and goes. It was that night they both discovered that while John was truly no longer in Sam’s head, he’d never actually ever leave Sam. The nightmare he had that night proved it…

Starved taglist:

@charliebradbury1104, @sammys-dimpless, @adsp-wincestj2, @vania-montoya, @ netaelex, @bobbie3939 @mtngirlforever@dontknowmyname215@j2sunflowerbaby @ alex2029

#CYIDaddy #wincest #weecest #starved

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deancasfix · 6 years

Photo

We are incredibly lucky to belong to a fandom that is constantly producing a high volume of fanworks-- but sometimes, it can be a bit overwhelming. To that end, DeanCasFix proudly presents a new feature: Challenge Highlights, a selection of our favourite stories and artwork from recent Dean/Cas fests and challenges.

Here are some of our top picks from the 2018 round of the DeanCas Reverse Bang.

Adrift by A_Diamond, art by starmouse123

Wordcount: 6140

Rating: T

Summary: Dean Winchester left Earth with his parents twenty-five years ago aboard the colony ship St. Louis. Three years into the five-year journey, a freak energy wave decimated the ship’s inhabitants, cut off their communication with Earth, and destroyed their navigation system. Now, Dean and his best friend Jimmy are one of the teams who fly out to survey potential planets for habitability.

Dean’s pretty sure they’re not going to find one in his lifetime.

When something goes wrong on what should be a routine survey mission, Dean has to face Jimmy’s death, the existence of extraterrestrial life, and the truth about what killed his parents—all while trapped in a broken shuttle with an alien life form that’s taken over his friend’s corpse.

Blond Ambition by zaphodsgirl, art by dmsilvisart

Wordcount: 8264

Rating: T

Summary: An offhand remark by Sam leads to Cas getting involved in the latest prank war, but it also leads Dean to to an unexpected confession.

By the flowers in his eyes by remmyme, art by migglangelus

Wordcount: 3522

Rating: M

Summary: Dean is blind and (mostly) fine with it. He still managed to bag the hottest boyfriend in town.

Growing Pains by surlybobbies, art by boopliette

Wordcount: 12,884

Rating: G

Summary: “Cas could hardly believe that less than a month prior he’d been in court pleading hoarsely through a stream of tears for permanent guardianship of Jack, the child that his closest friend Kelly hadn’t expected but had still loved with all of her heart.“

When Kelly Kline passes away in a car accident, leaving her infant son Jack orphaned, her best friend Cas petitions the courts for guardianship. Thus with one bang of a gavel, Cas becomes, for all intents and purposes, a father. Fatherhood, however, is more than a little challenging for a single man who has no experience with children. Enter Dean Winchester, the neighbor from across the hall, who proves himself good with Jack (and might be even better with Cas.)

Partnered by K_K_TiBal, art by vyxon7

Wordcount: 28,112

Rating: T

Summary: Dean didn't think that his life as a detective could get much worse after Castiel was promoted to lieutenant.

Castiel was a stickler for the rules, had no sense of humour, and never seemed to give Dean a break, even though they used to be partners.

But then, despite all of their questionable history, the two are asked to go undercover on a case in the wealthy suburbs of California. . . as a married couple.

Right By Your Side by sconesandtextingandmurder, art by dragonpressgraphics

Wordcount: 12,692

Rating: T

Summary: Dean Winchester knows he's supposed to stay away from the river that serves as an enchanted barrier to the forbidden forest where the monsters live. After a fight with his father, he finds himself there anyhow, and discovers some new and unexpected friends.

The muse by d_claiborne, art by busy squirrel

Wordcount: 30,259

Rating: E

Summary: At the dawn of 1884, Castiel decides to leave New York and pursue his dream of becoming an artist. At the dawn of 1884, the night before he is to board the ship that will carry him across the ocean from America to England, Castiel meets Dean Winchester. At the dawn of 1884, Castiel falls in love for the first time.

The Spoils of War by jhoom, art by theaeronaut

Wordcount: 3683

Rating: T

Summary: Dean enjoys being a prominent God of War… up until another god starts to usurp his authority.

The Starting Place by daydreamdestiel, art by deancebra

Wordcount: 40,725

Rating: E

Summary: Going back to Lawrence was on Dean's list of things to never, ever do. Unfortunately, life—or in this case, death—made a mockery of even the best laid plans. Still, when he went home for his dad's funeral with Sam, Dean had no idea who would be waiting there to turn his entire world upside down.

Cas had spent so many of his teenage years in love with his best friend Sam’s big brother that he was half-convinced he’d embellished Dean's attributes in his memory. Too bad for his heart that when Dean came back, he'd only gotten more attractive with age. He was still the best looking omega Cas’d ever known. Even worse was that Dean was attracted to him too because no matter how much Cas wanted him, Dean was only there until he fixed up John's house, then he was headed back to California.

So the question was, could they keep their hearts from breaking when he did?

Time Still Exists by starespressos, art by usarechan

Wordcount: 32,217

Rating: E

Summary: Castiel Novak has dreamed of participating in a theater dancing project forever. When a spot opens at Rowena MacLeod's theater, he jumps right in -- even though it means taking over from someone who has recently passed away. Soon enough, he meets Dean, who spends almost as much time at the theater as Castiel does but refuses to share any details about himself. Castiel is intrigued by him, and not only because Dean is the first person in a long time to treat him with anything less than admiration. As their friendship and the mystery around Dean deepen over time, Castiel’s perception of both himself and the universe is changed forever.

Unholy Ground by teacass, art by ricketyjukeboxer

Wordcount: 15,054

Rating: T

Summary: “And I’m not a vandal,” the man shoots back. “My name’s Dean. And I think there’s been a misunderstanding—” “No,” Castiel hisses. “I have watched you. I have seen you creep around with your shovel and your gun and I have seen you trying to desecrate the graves, my graves, so do not talk to me about a misunderstanding—” Dean holds his hands up and shakes his head. “Shit, man, I swear I’m not trying to—” Castiel has had enough, though, so he flicks his wrist and pushes Dean over one of the tombstones and down to the ground. Dean falls with a grunt and tries to stand up quickly, but Castiel keeps him pinned to the ground with a raise of his eyebrow. “I am the guardian of this cemetery,” he states when he stops and looks down on the struggling man. “I will not be made a fool of, especially not by someone like you.”

We encourage you to check out all the other works produced for this challenge by visiting the official AO3 collection or exploring the challenge masterpost here on tumblr.

#deancasfix #fic review #fic rec #deancas #destiel #dean/cas reverse bang 2018 #masterlist #challenge highlights #Destiel Reverse Bang #fic rec masterpost

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youallruinmylife · 6 years

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Friendly Remind that John Winchester Wasn’t Some Nice Guy who Changed Over Night

Recently I had a conversation with another Supernatural fan. We were discussing John Winchester’s parenting, and how some people believe John was a nice guy in the first season until the writers changed the originally intended purpose of John’s character. I’d just to like to take a moment right now to say John Winchester being a bad parent is nothing new. John Winchester was not father of the year season one, nor was he former father of the year for season two. The writers didn’t create some happy go lucky, fun loving, emotionally intelligent, understanding father and then decide to change him for plot purposes.

I think we can all agree that yes, John is a complicated character who can’t simply be ‘all good’ or ‘all bad.’ Complexity is part of what makes characters interesting- one sided, never developing characters are boring and don’t last very long. John watched his wife, the woman he loved, burn alive on the ceiling of his infant son’s bedroom- of course the guy was going to make mistakes. He was definitely put in a horrible situation, and John only did what he thought was best. John kept his sons with him (except for those stretches of three of four days when the boys would be alone but hey whatever) because he wanted to make sure they were safe. John trained his boys so they could protect themselves if they were ever in the situation that John could not protect his boys (and it definitely came in handy) because he thought that was for the best. John gave his boys the weapons to protect themselves and the knowledge to know how to do so because he thought it was best.

But did John really think it was for the best to give his eight year old son alcohol? ”But it was probably just a taste,” readers shout. “What kid doesn’t want to ‘be a man’ like his dad? It’s not uncommon for kids to have a sip of alcohol once or twice in their childhood! Everybody loves Bobby and he was the town drunk!”

John drank too much, he raised one son who drank too much and two sons who grew up thinking alcohol was a coping mechanism for failures. See 3x10 Dream a Little Dream of Me.

Dean: There you are. What are you doing?

Sam: Having a drink.

Dean: It's two in the afternoon. You're drinking whiskey?

Sam: I drink whiskey all the time.

Dean: No, you don't.

Sam: What's the big deal? You get sloppy in bars, you hit on chicks all the time. Why can't I?

Dean: It's kind of slim pickings around here. What's going on with you?

Sam: I tried, Dean.

Dean: To do what?

Sam: To save you. I mean, where you're going... what you're gonna become. I can't stop it.

See how the Winchesters work? Failure to protect family at all costs= personal failure, personal failure= inexcusable wrongdoing, inexcusable wrongdoing= sadness, sadness= no closure that’s for sure because emotions are only for women because only women have feelings and being like a woman is wrong? All of that = drinking instead of honestly discussing feelings or, you know, something which is actually healthy and productive. And of course that kind of mentality has tainted their relationships with other characters (Dean and Sam are responsible for their own choices but how much easier would it be for them to communicate with each other and others if they had been raised to honest and open?).

“But Cas didn’t even show up until season four, John didn’t have an impact on his son’s lack of friends!”

*cough*

...Whether you like John or not, we can all agree that Dean’s main coping mechanism is drinking.

“John wasn’t actually an alcoholic- we never even saw him drink! That’s something new that the writers made up!

Dean: Um. Dad hasn't been home in a few days.

Sam: So he's working overtime on a Miller Time shift. He'll stumble back in sooner or later.

- THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE SHOW

You can see the impact John had over his sons long before he died, even when John was alive things were difficult. There were lines the boys did not cross, things they did not say, things they did not do. And one man they were not supposed to question

I’ll just... leave these here.

(Dean protecting Sam from their dad because Dean will always protect Sam, Sam arguing with John because he’s watched Dean be belittled his entire life and let me tell you that does not make for a comfortable sibling-parent relationship because you see your parent as a threat to your sibling, a threat to someone you love. In this case, not only did Sam love Dean but Dean was his parent. So Sam grew up watching John yell at Dean and belittle him as they drove around the country, Sam watched John abuse his big brother, his caretaker, his best friend.)

And John’s huge emphasis on family and loyalty caused Sam and Dean to think it was wrong to pursue individual happiness, that going after what you want (for example, a career as a lawyer, a loving possible future fiancé, making friends, etc) was selfish and a waste of time. I mean Sam’s “rebellious phase” was going to school...

Dean: And that's why you ran away.

Sam: I was just going to college. It was Dad who said if I was gonna go I should stay gone. And that's what I'm doing.

Dean: Yeah, well, Dad's in real trouble right now. If he's not dead already. I can feel it.

Sam spent his entire life trying to fit in, all he ever did was study for school- to get into one of the best school’s in the country- and all of his hard work that his father responded to with “If you’re gonna go you should stay gone” is brushed off with a single, “Yeah, well.” AKA Your personal accomplishments don’t matter Sammy because we were raised thinking that happiness lived and died with family.

When Sam (Sam, who never got to have a relationship with his mom; Sam, who spent his entire life switching schools; Sam, who had to start over on different curriculum with new kids and new teachers his entire life; Sam, who always argued with his dad and didn’t feel comfortable telling him anything; Sam, whose childhood was consumed with “being a freak”) was finally benefiting from his years of hard work and was able to proudly (but he probably didn’t say it proudly because school wasn’t what John wanted for Sam so of course he wouldn’t be proud of Sam’s work) say he was accepted into one of the best schools in the entire country with a FULL RIDE, what does his dad do? His dad tells him to get out, to leave the only family- the only life- he’s ever known, and stay gone.

Don’t forget that even if Sam gave up everything he had spent his entire life working towards (Stanford, being a lawyer, being with college friends, working through what happened to Jess instead of hunting) it wouldn’t have been enough because Sam had demon blood in him, Sam was evil.

Anything outside of the norm is considered a monster and monsters are wrong.

Yes, it was canon that a father told his eldest son he would have to murder his little brother (John’s baby, a child) if he became something John wouldn’t want him to be.

So aside from the whole ‘all of your accomplishments are selfish, wanting anything for yourself mean you’re selfish and want people to die, I’m going to abuse your big brother in front of you as you grow up because that won’t complicate our relationship, you know when I’m not abusing/neglecting you, oh and also I’m okay with you being murdered if it comes down to it and what you are is wrong and evil’ John and Sam apparently had the better of the two father son relationships?

Don’t even get me started on Dean.

‘You’re still not good enough, Dean. You ruined this car, you ruined something I gave to you- I wouldn’t have given you the impala if I knew you were going to ruin it. If you don’t touch up your car (do as I say) it’ll get even worse, because the only right way to do things is my way. If you’re not pleasing John Winchester then what you’re doing has no value or purpose.’

Maybe if John looked around once in a while he could see that his children

are really good

smart

caring people

who deserve better.

And I’m all about family loyalty but we’ve seen over and over and over again that if Dean or Sam were to lose one another they would feel personally responsible, they would blame themselves for the work of demons or angels or monsters- because it’s their job, their responsibility to look out for one another, to save one another. They will always be responsible for one another, if something happens to one of them it is automatically the other brother’s fault.

No Sam, don’t you get it? Can’t you see how Dean (a child) was responsible for you, not your dad who was god knows where?

That’s not poor parenting, oh no.

... You see how this thinking is kind of unhealthy?

‘Sorry I couldn’t find a way to bring your dead body back to life, this is clearly my fault because obviously bringing a dead person back to life is super easy. I didn’t save you; I didn’t protect my family so I’m a failure.’

And this is just the first two seasons! I didn’t even get to

this

or this

or this (Because living any other kind of life- not being a hunter- would mean failing to save people, it would mean innocent people would die due to Sam or Dean’s selfish desires. Wanting a happy life= selfishness)

or this

(“And when dad got home...”) or this.

The writers didn’t “change John’s character” they just explored how it affected his sons.

#supernatural #spn #supernatural rant #John Winchester was not a good dad #Dean Winchester #Sam Winchester #Dean and Sam Winchester were abused #John Winchester was abusive #the CW #the CW supernatural #angry fangirl #dean winchester deserves better #Sam Winchester deserves better #hunting

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sardiniaohio · 3 years

Text

Faith, Family and a Return to Brown County

It was the spring of 1995. I was a twenty-four-year-old seminary student driving up Route 68 through Paris and Maysville, Kentucky, headed for Brown County and an interview to become the Pastor of Decatur and Mount Olivet United Methodist Churches. Growing up in the shadows of Atlantic City, the Big Red Machine was all I knew about the area.

When I first turned my car onto Russellville-Winchester Road, those who have become so dear to me and I, myself, had no idea that the first meeting would be so important. That night my destination was Richard “Butch” Arn’s house.

Butch had agreed to be the head of the search committee for the new pastor. I was to meet with him and his family before we headed to meet the rest of the gathered faithful. Butch is one of the greatest men I have ever met. Still, I wonder if he would have even opened the door on that night if he knew that only three years later, in June of 1998, I would marry his daughter and leave with her to return to my native New Jersey.

I remember the preceding three years living across from the church in Decatur as some of the best of my life. Making good friends, serving on the Township Fire Company, helping round up funding for basketball and volleyball courts, enduring the unimaginable floods of early March in 1997, working on and learning about the rhythms of farm life and how they compared to my growing up crabbing, clamming, and fishing the back bays and ocean around Atlantic City, New Jersey, killing coyotes, nights at the dirt track with my neighbors, and so many more memories came back and made their way into stories and sermons over the next twenty-odd years.

After a few years in the full-time pulpit and three in administration at Circleville Bible College, I found myself at a hinge-point in my life where I decided to pursue a law degree in my last months at Circleville.

Over the years, many people have asked me how I can be both an attorney and a pastor. It seems the point of their question is, “are these two careers compatible?” I sometimes point out that many claim the Apostle Paul, author of a large portion of our New Testament, was an attorney – or at least a form of prosecutor for a portion of his life. Of course, lawyers two thousand years ago were very different. Well, reading about Paul, maybe not that different.

I have never believed working as an attorney and as a pastor are incompatible. I see them both as wonderful opportunities to serve. People who find themselves in very tough situations often turn to their minister, lawyer, and doctor. I don’t do well around blood and needles, so I will leave the third of these professions to someone else’s calling. As a former prosecutor, I found many opportunities to speak light, hope, and truth into people’s lives. These times were often in one of the worst moments of their life. I had an opportunity to speak hope to them while participating in delivering justice.

But I have not given up on sharing the gospel whenever afforded the opportunity. During law school and before my children were born, I spent summers traveling to preach at camp meetings. A bible study held in our home turned into a fourteen-year adventure serving as the founding pastor of Crossroads Community Church of Indian Mills, New Jersey. Then, I felt God call my family back to the farm in Brown County to be closer to my wife’s family.

It has not been the easiest of transitions, saying goodbye to a fulfilling and often thriving law practice in New Jersey, to my own parents and family, and especially to a church family that grew up with me over those fourteen years.

On returning, we found a place to hang a shingle and the opportunity to partner up with some great attorneys, Yonas and Rink, looking to move back to the Brown County area. John Yonas and his wife are Western Brown graduates. God put us together while I was moving back and he was looking to expand back into his hometown area from downtown Cincinnati. Having the ability to work with their firm and American Homeland Title helped me get on my feet during this transition. God knew what I needed and delivered on time, as he always has.

It has been an adventure returning to Brown County with a wife and three children. We enjoy time on the farm and the small-town life of Sardinia. I get to walk my children a couple of blocks each day to Brown County Christian School, sometimes preaching a chapel or substitute teaching. Having old friends invite me to share about Christ at their churches and meeting new people as I travel the county has also been a wonderful encouragement.

In his poem, “The Road Not Taken,” Robert Frost speaks about coming to a fork in the road one morning and trying to decide which way was better. He writes, “And both that morning equally lay. In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.” During my late teens, I chose seminary over law school thinking I was shutting a door on a career in the law. God reopened it a few years later. Twenty-two years ago, I left Brown County thinking I would never return. God opened the way. Unlike with Frost’s prediction, I have been able to take both roads a few times in my life when God brought me back around.

A lot has changed in the last twenty-five years since I first turned my old car onto Russellville-Winchester Road. Decatur and Mount Olivet are no longer United Methodist Churches but continue to share the gospel and serve as important parts of our community. Read more..

#· Lawyer Highland County Ohio

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percywinchester27 · 7 years

Text

Stroke of luck (Part-7)

Pairing: Dean X Reader

Word count: 5.5k (I don’t know what happened)

Warnings: Angst, Mention of Parental death, Fluff, About as close to smut as I will ever get.

Series Summary: Dark highway, middle of the night, a bad boy driving an Impala, and a Damsel in distress. Too cliche? Think again.

A/N: I’m sorry for the delay! I had a few things to sort through, and life got too real. But I loved writing this part! hope y’all like it as much as I do <3 Beta’d by the amazing and talented @sdavid09.

Flashbacks in italics… So far they’ve been in a chronological order.

Stroke of luck Masterlist

You groaned, dreading the fact that you had to get up and adult today. There wasn't a muscle in your body that wasn't sore or aching. But in spite of the pain, you couldn't bring yourself to regret last night. Playing with Vi in the rain had been so fun and so needed. You and Vi had stumbled inside the house late into the night, impossibly wet and lumbered into your bedroom, pulling on random dry clothes over yourself and collapsing on the bed. It was the best night's sleep you’d had in a while. Most importantly, you had woken up with a clearer mind.

A groan sounded from besides you as Vi woke up and you grinned. You weren't alone in your misery.

"I don't want to go to school," she moaned, throwing her arms over her face. It made you chuckle.

"I don't want to go to work either."

"Let's just stay in bed and forget about everything. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Well, the electricity will be cut off cause we haven't paid the bills, no water, no wi-fi and we'll just rot here until the next ice-age."

"You paint a very appealing picture," Vi yawned, slowly getting up from the bed. Her every movement was punctuated with a wince. "As it happens, you're wrong. The worse that can happen is that I won't get into Stanford."

You rolled your eyes. The nerd.

“I can see that, you know,” she said, as she walked up to her room with her back towards you.

Both of you were running late as you drove towards Vi's school. You hoped that the consignment of flowers which was to be delivered today hadn't already arrived at the shop.

When you stopped in the parking lot, Vi didn't move from her seat. She was chewing at the insides of her mouth, wriggling her hands in her lap.

"What's up?" You asked.

"I don't want to go to school," she whispered, repeating her words from morning. She wasn't meeting your eyes, afraid that you would judge her for being afraid. "Those kids are mean to me, they call me names. And now that Aaron died when he was with me, it's all going to get so much worse. I… I'm scared."

"You know what I did when I was scared?"

"What?" She looked up at you.

"I called your dad," you said softly.

"Really?" Her eyes were round and eager; it made you smile. You never volunteered information about Dean. It was the perfect way to distract her.

"Yeah. This one time, I got lost while getting home from school in a new town. I was so scared. The next time that I saw your dad, he promised me he'd find me when I was lost."

Vi's eyes filled up. It tore at your heart, seeing her miss a father she'd never known. Her lips quivered and she averted her gaze. You bought your fingers to her chin, making her look into your eyes.

"Those kids are idiots. As long as its words, you walk with your head held high, cause you’ve done no wrong. If they touch one hair of your head, you break their bones. I'll stand with you, but don't you give up without a fight. You gotta face things head on, Sammy. There's no point running away from them. They'll only chase you, and if you manage to shirk them away, there will always be a "what if…" to haunt you for the rest of your life." You realized weren’t talking about Vi’s problem anymore...

"You really believe in that?" Vi asked you. You knew exactly what she was hinting at.

"I do," you smiled, nodding at her. She understood, smiling back in acknowledgement. You'd follow what you had told your daughter. Next time that you meet Sam, and there will be a next time, you'd face him, wherever that took you.

"Hey, mom?"

"Yeah?"

"What would dad do when he was scared?"

"He'd come to me," you answered easily.

The light knock on the door woke you up in the middle of the night. The moment you became aware of the noise on the door, your senses went into a hyper alert. No one was going to visit you this late into the night.

You quietly got out of the bed and pulled out your father's gun from underneath the pillow. You’d been sleeping with it hidden there for the last four months, since his death. It made you feel not so alone in the quiet of dusty motel rooms, made you feel protected, like your dad was right there with you.

You clicked the safety off, and quietly made your way towards the door.

*Knock knock*.

This time the sound was louder, more desperate.

Who could it possibly be?

No one knew where you were bunking these days. You had wanted to be alone, to get over everything that had happened.

"Y/N? Open the door!" A broken voice called from outside.

Your heart clenched at the pain there. You quickly threw the gun aside, and opened the door without looking into the peephole. You knew that voice, and the helplessness in it scared you.

You opened the door to find a soaking wet Dean Winchester standing before you. His hair was dripping, and his stance was defeated. He was looking down, like he was trying to collect himself.

"Dean?" You asked, voice uncharacteristically shaky.

He didn't look up. Was he drunk?

"Dean?" You called again. "Are you okay?"

He looked up then, eyes were bloodshot. "No," he choked.

"Sam- S… Sam- " He started, but he couldn't finish it.

Fear made your throat constrict. "Sam? What happened to Sam? Is he okay?"

"Yeah," Dean cleared his throat. "Sam... he left."

Oh. The understanding hit faster than you expected.

"C'mon in," you took his hand and guided him inside. Pulling your used towel off the back of the chair, you handed it to him. Dean took it stoically.

"Won't you ask where?" Dean questioned.

"I'm sure you'll tell me when you're ready," you said softly, placing your hand on his cheek, the coarse stubble tickling your skin. He melted into your touch, closing his eyes and relishing in the warmth.

"C'mon, let's get you out of these clothes. You're freezing." You busied yourself in helping him remove his jacket. In truth, you were trying to avoid his eyes. You knew where Sam was. You knew this was going to happen one day, you had known for months now. You knew exactly where Sam was right now. On his way to Stanford.

You were the first person Sam had confided in about his hopes of living a normal life, of becoming a lawyer. You were the one he came to when everything was too much to handle just before his SATs. When he had miraculously managed to get a full ride into Stanford, Sam had travelled 18 hours to get to you, so you could celebrate it with him. You were the one person he could unabashedly share his dreams with.

The two of you had jumped with joy, gotten drunk and cried happy tears at his accomplishment. The next morning when he was leaving, he had pulled you into a bear hug and thanked you for everything. You still remembered his smiling face as he waved, reassuring you that he would find a way to convince Dean that it was a good idea, if not his dad.

Looking at Dean, you could see that hadn't gone as per the plan. Even as Sam had reassured you, you’d seen this coming. Sam was everything to Dean, there was no good way of telling someone that you were taking away half their life support. You knew this was exactly how it was gonna end.

The heater in the drafty room was broken. It was too cold to stay outside the covers, especially in wet clothes. Dean barely seemed to care as you helped him strip down to his boxers. You guided him to your bed and climbed in with him, pulling the covers over the two of you.

He was silent as he rested his back against the headboard. You curled up against his side.

At long last he sighed. "Sam got into Stanford.” There was no anger in his voice, just hopelessness and resignation. It hurt you so much.

"He just upped and left," Dean whispered. "He and Dad got into this huge fight in the middle of the road. They said awful things to each other and I just stood there listening to it all."

You rubbed your hand against the side of his arm, urging him to keep going, clearly visualizing the scene. It was Dean's worst nightmare, just the mere thought made you shudder.

"I wanted to stop them from fighting," dean continued. "I wanted to stop him from leaving. He's still a kid, a stubborn ass, in fact... there was so much shouting. Dad asked me to keep out of it. He accused Sam of not caring for the family, not caring enough about mom…"

Sam didn't even know his mother. All he knew were stories. All his life he had been dragged in a revenge that wasn't his own. But John was wrong, Sam did care about his brother. This whole deal was hardest on Dean. It wasn't his decision to be brought into this life, he wasn't the one leaving his family to pursue his dreams. But he was the one hurting the most. John would be out and about in a bar, drowning his sorrow and anger in liquor.

Dean, however, had trusted you. Tugging at his arm, you forced him to look at you. The vulnerability in those eyes pulled at something deep in your heart.

"Hey, hey… look at me," you said. “There was nothing you could’ve done about this. It was Sam's choice. Think about it... it's not like he's gone forever. He's just gone to college. He'll be back."

"He won't. Dad said, if he walked out, he should stay gone. He can’t ever come back."

Dean ran his hands over his face, once, twice before breathing out a long huff. You had never seen him so shaken. He was the rock, he supported everyone.

You could still remember the day Dean had held you in his arms as you cried over the loss of your dad. To see him this lost and scared was a reality check. As unbreakable as he seemed, Dean was just as human as you and everyone else.

"Dean, he'll be back," you repeated, running your fingers along his jaw. "John is not his only family. You are, too."

"You're right," he said at last, looking into your eyes. "I'm just-" He seemed to be at a loss of words, his eyes were watery and his lips quivered. You reached out for him, and pulled him to you. His cold, bare skin contrasted with your warm, soft one, making both of you shiver lightly. Despite that, you didn't let go.

You pulled him closer and closer still. Dean responded, fisting his fingers into your thin tank top, and holding onto you like dear life.

Wishing there was some way to comfort him… something more, you held him back. Dean curled up into you, nestling his head beneath your neck, his face pressed against your chest. You couldn't hold it in any longer as you gently pressed your lips into his wet hair, trailing gentle kisses downwards till you grazed the skin of his neck. Dean stilled in your arms, and for a second you were scared whether you had crossed a line. But when he looked up at you, his eyes were melting emeralds, begging you to take him in.

So you did. You pulled him to you, capturing his lips within yours, unhesitant, pouring all the love that you felt for him in that kiss. At first Dean was caught off guard by the flood of feelings, but you didn't pull back. You knew Dean well enough to know that any sort of emotion or love towards him was always going to catch him by surprise because he wasn't used to it. So you didn't give up just yet. You held on.

And then he kissed you back. Slow and deliberate, as if he was intent on making every second count. Every slide of his tongue against your lips was fraught with so much of "more" that it brought tears in your eyes behind the closed lids. Dean would never have to say it, but you knew. He loved you. Soon his hands were everywhere, exploring your body, skimming softly over your naked arms, slipping underneath your tank top, grazing the skin of your stomach, clutching at your lower back. It was all agonizingly slow, setting your skin on fire.

It didn't take long for his eyes to meet yours, the silent question too evident in them. Instead of saying it out loud, or doing something bold like you had always imagined, you could only look away and nod shyly against his chest. Dean's fingers were quick to raise your chin up, making you look in his eyes, so he could find his answer there. A breathtaking smile spread across his face as he found what he was looking for.

In the past couple of months, since you had kissed Dean for that first time, you had lain awake in your bed for hours thinking about what it would feel like to get lost in him. You had imagined being pressed into the bed, his hands clutching yours as you screamed his name over and over again. Your little fantasies were all hard and fast, still they had you sweating in the sheets.

But Dean? He was slow, drawing out every moment, making the most of it. He was revering your body. Loving you without hesitation, without a second thought.

And you? You didn't question a single thing that night, loving him with everything you had. Not screaming, but sighing his name, as it fell off your lips like a prayer till you were both exhausted, falling asleep entangled in each other's arms.

Long after Vi had walked into the parking lot, smiling and happy, long after you had pulled out and were driving towards the shop, you couldn't shake it out of your head. Vi always had the brightest smile reserved for her dad. You wanted to share his story, your real story with her, but you were scared that she might ask too much. That one day she'd find out that her father never knew she existed. She’d know that her assumption that he had loved her more than his life was a lie because he never knew he’d had a daughter to love. She would someday ask about the last conversation her mother had had with her father, and she would find out how it ended.

You didn't want that. You'd rather she lived in her own assumed story, because while it was based off of a lie, it wasn't necessarily false. Dean would have loved her more than his life. Who wouldn't? Your daughter was gem and Dean had been a man yearning for love. You could easily picture them sitting on the couch together and binging southern movies. It hurt your heart to think about everything she was missing. Which was you had done your best to be both- a mother and a father to her, loving her to the full capacity of your heart. But as you drove, you couldn't help but wonder if it was enough.

**************

Dean couldn't help but rush his brother at the station. They had left the hotel soon enough, but the procedures Sam had insisted on following were taking all the time in the world. Sam thought it might be a good idea to check on the witness from the second murder who was being questioned at station, before heading to the school because the station was on the way. Distressingly, it was taking longer than expected.

Dean was pacing the floor so fast, he might have worn a hole in the carpet.

"Oh, he's finally out!" He threw his hands up in the air when Sam came out of the holding room. Sam threw him a bitch face.

"Did you, at least, find anything on the witch?" Dean asked as he opened the door and got into the driver's seat.

"No," Sam replied, climbing in next to his brother. "But I did find out about the red soil."

"What red soil?"

Sam filled in Dean over what had happened at the morgue last evening. The hex bags, the red soil, everything.

"Turns out all of those victims had all been to this same place- an excavation on the outskirts of the town. They are digging it up for a nature in trail in the forest fringes. The first victim, Jonathan Egbert was a supervisor for the project. The second, Natasha Williamson was a photographer. She used to visit the forest for pictures."

"What about the kid?" Dean was paying attention to Sam, but the Impala was running faster than usual as he willed her towards the school.

"It used to be a make out spot before the operation started, I'm willing to bet Aaron here frequented it, too."

"That still doesn't explain why they're rounding up the witnesses now."

"Beats me," Sam sighed.

They drove in silence for a while. Dean glanced at his brother to find him staring outside the window lost in thought, frowning slightly. He knew Sam well enough to know that something was bothering him.

"Spit it out," Dean said.

"Spit what out?"

"Whatever you're thinking about."

Sam hesitated, and Dean knew it had something to do with him. Something Sam wanted to talk about but he was afraid how Dean would take it.

"C'mon, tell me," Dean urged.

Sam narrowed his eyes for a moment, deciding whether or not to say it, before speaking carefully. "What happened between Y/N and you?"

"What?" Dean's head snapped to look at his brother. Of the all the things he had expected Sam to be thinking about, this wasn't one. The car slowed down a notch as Dean collected his thoughts.

Sam put his hands up in a defensive gesture. "Hey, don't get me wrong. I know you don't like it when I bring her up, but I can't help wondering, man. What the hell went wrong? The two of you were so good for each other. Then suddenly she just upped and left?"

Dean looked straight ahead, his eyes boring into the road ahead of him as he revved up the engine again. He had avoided this very question for years like the plague. What was he even going to tell Sam?

Dean could feel her before he even opened his eyes. The soft light filtering through the curtains of the motel room window only made him want to pull her closer and go back to sleep. But as amazing as feeling her naked skin against his was, Dean knew seeing her serene face would be even more amazing. He opened his eyes to find her fast asleep against his chest. She was curled up at his side, her arm lightly draped over his waist while her soft Y/H/C hair was spread in a halo across the pillow and over his face.

Dean brushed them off his eyes, so he could take a better look at her. She was stunning. His bones felt like they were melting when he thought back to last night. Her lips had been all over his heated skin. Dean remembered wanting to hold her closer, and doing just that all night long. It hadn’t been enough. Truthfully, he simply couldn't believe last night had happened. It made him feel like he was floating in bliss and scared the hell out of him at the same time.

Sometime last night, when he was kissing her, she had stopped to giggle against his lips, her warm breath fanning his face, and Dean had realized just how much he loved her. She had trusted him so implicitly and now he couldn't possibly think of a life without her being in it.

Somehow she had turned a terrible night into the best night of his life. Looking at her now, Dean wanted to believe in her, believe that Sam was coming back just as she had said he would. After all Sam leaving had been a shock to her, too, and if she could cope with it so well, have so much hope, so could he.

She stirred then, slowly opening her eyes.

"Hey beautiful," Dean smiled. Y/N promptly shut her eyes back, screwing them tightly and threw her hands over them.

"Hey? What happened?" Dean asked, bewildered by her reaction.

"I think I'm dreaming," she said, trying to keep the smile off her voice. "There's a really hot guy in my bed and he’s naked. I don't ever wanna wake up!"

Dean chuckled. God, she was perfect. The best thing in his damned life.

"Oh, it's real alright," he said, shifting so that she was pinned beneath him. He slowly pried her hands away from her eyes, and pressed his lips against hers. "It's very real!"

She sighed happily, before throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him back. Dean couldn't believe his luck.

A sharp beeping noise from her mobile made her jump, and Dean laughed, rolling over so she could reach out. "Dang it!" He cursed, making her giggle.

Dean watched as she unlocked the screen and frowned a little while reading the text. Drawing a deep breath, she quickly typed a reply and put the cell aside. Dean watched as she rose up, stretching her gloriously naked body, and threw her legs down. Just when she rose up, Dean reached across to catch her hand, making her stop in her tracks.

"Come back to bed." He looked up at her, smug about the shy expression which crept up her face at his words.

She swatted his hand away, before he could grab it fully and made a run for the bathroom. He could still hear the sound of her soft laughter till it was drowned by the shower.

Dean lay on his stomach across the bed for a while, staring after her with a goofy grin on his face.

Another beep from Y/N's phone sounded right next to his ear from where she had left it. Dean grabbed the phone with the intention of putting it on the bedside table when the name flashing on the screen caught his attention.

*1 message from Sam*

Dean didn't even think about it, as he unlocked the phone. He knew what the message was going to be about. It would be Sam telling Y/N what had happened. Explaining his side. But right now Dean would do with just about anything to know about his brother.

A message from him meant Sam was, at least, safe. Wherever he was, he was going to be fine. Any news of his brother would be good news.

Of course Y/N wouldn't mind, Dean thought as he opened the message.

*Sam: Thanks, Y/N. Thanks for being there. I don't know what I'd have done without you.*

At first Dean didn't understand what was going on. He read the words over and over again, his mind refusing to understand and accept the obvious. He quickly checked the sentbox to find Y/N's message, the one she had sent while laying in bed next to him.

*Y/N: He's fine, Sam. Go, be you! All the love- Y/N.*

Dean went back to the inbox and scrolled up, reading months and months of messages. Messages about Sam preparing of the SATs, about him obsessing and then worrying over his applications, him rejoicing over acceptances and scholarships. Sam had driven out to see Y/N when he had cracked his way into Stanford. They had celebrated. Y/N knew.

Y/N knew Sam was going to leave him, leave dad and leave their family. She had known all along, and not once had she said a word about this to Dean.

When Y/N stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her, that beautiful, bashful expression still graced her face. She was still smiling mischievously. The smile slid from her face the moment she saw Dean standing by the bed completely dressed, his face devoid of any expression.

"Dean?" She asked softly, reaching out for him, but he stepped back from her, his eyes flashing.

He could see it in her face that she was confused, hurt even, that she had no idea what to make of him, but Dean just couldn't let himself be touched by her. He had been betrayed by the two people he loved the most.

"Sam says he is thankful for all that you've done for him," Dean hissed, lifting up his hand to show her the phone.

"Dean, no!" She gasped, her eyes filling up with tears, as understanding came to her.

"The two of you can have a laugh about this, me, at some point." Dean flung the phone across the bed, where it hit the headboard and promptly split into pieces.

"Dean, listen to me," she begged. "It wasn't like that!"

"Then what was it like? Huh?" He yelled. "I saw all the messages, Y/N. You knew from the start and you kept it from me."

"I didn't want to," she whimpered. "Sam just… I promised him…"

"Sam’s a selfish son of a bitch! He didn't care about dad, he didn't care about me. All he cared about was himself… And apparently you."

Y/N only cried harder. She was clutching at the towel which was bundled up beneath neck, her wet hair dripping water on to the floor.

"So, that's it then," Dean gritted his teeth. Y/N wasn't denying any of it. She didn't care for him either. Just like Sam hadn't. Dean could see in that moment- why his dad had asked Sam to leave and never come back. Because it hurt. It hurt too fucking much to be betrayed like this. And now Dean knew.

He turned to leave, but Y/N grabbed his hand. "Don't, Dean… Just listen to me… Don't leave me…" She managed between the sobs.

Dean shirked his hand away, not even looking at her.

"Go find Sam. He’ll listen to you. I thought you cared for me, but looks like all you cared for was to be a better sibling to Sam, because clearly I wasn't enough for him."

Y/N's hand flew to her mouth and she broke down, falling to ground, crying too hard to be able to speak.

Dean walked over and yanked his coat from the top of the chair where she had put it the night before, walking over her clothes that had been strewn last night.

"Don't go please,” she whispered. The pain in her voice made Dean around. Y/N was crying incessantly on the floor. Seeing her, his resolve waivered just for a second, his love for the girl raging a battle against what she had done. He had promised her he would protect her, but try as he might, he couldn't get Sam's words out of his head. 'I don't know what I'd have done without you.' It was making him see red.

That decided it for him.

"I can't stay. I just don't want to see you!" Dean's voice was icy as he walked out of the room, slamming the door so hard behind him that the frames rattled in his wake. The image of her, sitting helplessly on the floor, covered in a wet towel, begging for him to stay with outstretched hand burning behind his eyes as he walked away.

"I know you loved her, Dean, and from what I know, she loved you, too," Sam's voice brought Dean back to the now.

"I don't know about that, Sammy," Dean grunted. He wasn't going to tell Sam what exactly was the reason for the fight. Dean had been angry, but he had also been an ass.

It hadn't been Y/N's fault that Sam had wanted to go off on his own, in fact, if it hadn't been for her, Sam would have tangentially headed in a completely different direction, and the ultimate fight between him and dad wouldn't have been pretty. She had been a good friend to him, supportive and loyal. For that Dean had left crying alone in a dank motel room. In the grand scheme of events, the reason for the fight felt so damn petty to Dean, that every time he thought of it, he wanted to kick himself in the gut. He had cooled down to be able to think rationally within a couple of weeks, but by then it had been too late. She was gone. She had burned every sim, every possible link to find her and vanished. She had kept his word for him. He’d never see her since. Not really, anyway.

He wasn't about to tell Sam that her love for him was the reason for their fight. Sam didn't need that on his conscience over everything else.

"I was twenty-two and I was an idiot. That was the reason. I said some things I shouldn't have and now it's too late to take it back." Dean wished he could go back and change it all. Fall down on his knees and beg her to take him back, like she had begged him to not leave.

"Maybe it's not," Sam said more to himself than to Dean; there was a hope in his eyes. Dean didn't want to see it. He knew all about the trackers Sam had going, he just never gave up.

"It’s too late, and it was my fault. Y/N deserved better than me. I hope she is happily married with a kid somewhere." Even as he said it, the mere idea hurt more than Dean could possibly put into words. It hurt that she wasn't here right next to him. It hurt unbearably.

"It's not late," Sam mumbled. "And it's my fault."

Dean knew what was coming before Sam said it.

"I tracked her down, Dean. You know I did. I left her a message asking her to find us when… when you were going to hell."

Dean still remembered it like yesterday, seeing her for a split second through the red haze as the hell hounds ripped through him. He could still hear her bloodcurdling scream, as she yelled for him. The absolute horror in her eyes as she had watched him die. He dreamt of it sometimes. Her obvious pain in the moment made him believe that she might have still loved him then. It had made dying that much harder, to know that she had been at arm's reach from him and yet he couldn't touch her, couldn't stay with her, couldn't tell her how much he loved her.

When he’d come back, he had asked Sam where she was, he’d been yearning to meet her. A part of him suspected that her memories, memories of that one night, that had kept his soul human through all the torments of hell. She was the one whom he had clung to- his connections to all that was good in him.

Y/N hadn't been there. She had left believing him to be dead. Dean thought it was the best thing that could have happened to her. He didn't deserve her, never had. But one question had always tugged at his mind.

"Why didn't you stop her? After… after I died."

"I tried," Sam said, his eyes sad and distant. "I tried to stop her, but she seemed afraid of me somehow. I was mad, Dean. I was mad and so full of vengeance that I didn't even realise when she left. I think she saw it before anyone- that anger. The one that Ruby fuelled. Y/N knew I was dangerous the moment she looked into my eyes. She knew it wasn't really me in there anymore."

"Smart chick, that one," Dean laughed a mirthless laugh. She always had been.

They drove in silence, each lost in his own thoughts, wondering what Y/N would be like now, whether or not she would still be like his Y/N.

Before Dean knew it, he had driven into the school premise. He dropped Sam at the entrance so he could talk to the authorities regarding Aaron's records, while Dean drove around to the parking lot

A crowd had gathered right in the middle of it, making it impossible to put the car in park. Dean honked loudly twice, but the crowd didn't budge.

"What the hell?" He muttered to himself, stepping out of the car and making his way through the crowd. The scene that unfolded before his eyes as he walked to the front of the line was disheartening. A girl was standing in the middle of the circle, crying into her hands. All her books were strewn across the asphalt, her bag ripped along the sides. Two boys stood on the other side laughing at her, while she sobbed. When she moved her hand to wipe her tears, Dean caught a glimpse of her face. It was Sam, and she had the most heartbreaking and lost expression on her face.

Please let me know how you liked this chapter?? PRETTY PLEASE? *Sam Winchester level puppy-dog eyes*

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capstagenether · 6 years

Text

Victorianism

From the New Dictionary of the History of Ideas:

VICTORIANISM.

Even seemingly unshakeable axioms are prone to reassessment by historians, and Victorianism is no exception. Even the very period of Victorianism itself stands challenged: historians no longer refer unquestioningly to the "Victorian Age" as the precise years associated with the monarch but instead concentrate on a shorter period—a "high age"—from about 1830 to 1880....Moralizing, prudish, repressed (and repressive), and old-fashioned (rather than traditional)—each of these notions captures what Victorianism has meant to later generations.

Early Victorianism

The early Victorian years witnessed the emergence of a cluster of values and beliefs that represented the central ideas of Victorianism. These years are associated with developments in governance, economic and social life, science, and learning that capture the essential features of Victorianism. In governance, one can look to the reforms which, if not immediately democratic, changed the structure of parliament, ushering in a tradition of evolutionary change (with major Reforms Acts in 1832, 1867, 1884) and the expansion of local, middle-class political power with the Municipal Corporations Act (1835). In economic life, the hard-nosed essentials of political economy and utilitarianism reached a high point prior to the 1850s. Associated with such notable names as Jeremy Bentham (1748–1832), James Mill (1773–1836), and David Ricardo (1772–1823), and later refined and developed by luminaries such as John Stuart Mill (1806–1873), political economy helped to shape the policy conditions for the reform of the Elizabethan Poor Law (in the form of the Poor Law Amendment Act, 1834), and the ideology of self-help which, for a while, attained the status of mantra. By the time Samuel Smiles (1812–1904) penned the popularized guide to the joys of this creed (Self Help, 1859), the concept had already begun to be pushed to one side by a creeping state and the tendency of the working class to collectivize in the face of demands for Smilesian individualism: hence, the staggering rise of friendly societies, trade unions, the co-operative movement, and countless other examples of collective identification by the people.

Values and Beliefs

In religion, Victorianism balanced the ancient regime Anglicanism of the Church of England with a growing pluralism through alternative Christianities, new faiths, and the toleration of unbelief. The backdrop to this was a crisis of faith for Anglicans, dating to the early Victorian years, when the Church of England was rocked by fierce debates about Tractarianism, "Romish" rituals, and the intellectual contribution of the Oxford movement. At a more prosaic level, the Religious Census of 1851 revealed a general weakening of popular interest in the established church and many dissenting faiths, whilst Roman Catholicism prospered through Irish migration. Victorianism may be equated with spiritual piety and Christian morality, but alternative and opposite forces also had some importance. Agnosticism, advocated most notably by Thomas H. Huxley (1825–1895), offered, by the 1870s, an alternative to faith in the attempt to answer profound questions about the nature of being.

Victorianism came to be associated with patriarchical social values, stressing the importance of family and an image of motherhood captured well in Alfred Lord Tennyson's (1809–1892) poem, The Princess(1847):

Man for the field and woman for the hearth; for the sword, and for the needle she; Man with the head, and women with the heart; Man to command, and woman to obey; All else is confusion.

Thus, poetry, as well as prose, painting, and music, reflected hegemonic notions. Yet, the stereotype of the Victorian family perhaps assumed its importance precisely because there were so many challenges to it. In the cities, drink and crime denied many children the full influence of parental guidance, and the critics of industrialism saw in female and child labor a collection of evils that had to be addressed. But economic conditions placed women and children in this position. Poverty, drunkenness, and alcoholism were sometimes causes of prostitution. Charles Dickens's (1812–1870) portrayal of Nancy, the pathetic, doomed heroine of Oliver Twist (1837–1839), obliquely, and somewhat coyly, suggested how easy it was for a woman to fall prey to professional gangs. In Mary Barton (1848), Elizabeth Gaskell (1810–1901) captured the horror that Victorian society felt at the sight of a "fallen women" in her portrayal of the stunted relationship of the widower John Barton and his sister-in-law, the fallen woman. Social reportage also emphasized this aspect of Victorianism: Bracebridge Hemyng's (1809–1898) study of prostitution suggested that, in 1857, London had 8,600 who plied this trade.

Anti-Victorianism

Behind the facade of staidness there was another sort of Victorianism—a kind of anti-Victorianism. Here, stifling mores were replaced by more adventurous and plural sexualities. Liaisons outside marriage, such as Dickens's longstanding affair with the actress Nelly Ternan, were common. William Gladstone's (1809–1898) self-flagellation—a habit the four-time prime minister shared with the bohemian Algernon Swinburne (1837–1909)—was his punishment for the sexual feelings (though there are no known sexual acts) aroused by his attempts to rescue London's prostitutes. Pornographic pictures and texts were readily available in the nineteenth century. Peep shows were commonplace and provided titillation to a broad spectrum of male society. As Simon Winchester's The Surgeon of Crowthorne (1999) demonstrates, William Chester Minor (1834–1920), the American military doctor, murderer, and prolific contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, aggressively pursued a sex life that utterly contradicted the conventional image of his age. Obsessed with sex and a regular user of prostitutes—prior to his incarceration in 1872 in the new Broadmoor Criminal Lunatic Asylum for murdering a man in London—Minor harbored such a strong sense of self-loathing that he cut off his own penis. Homosexuality may have scandalized Victorian sensibilities, but it was not invisible. Literary works with a homosexual theme, such as Teleny (1883), were produced; Oscar Wilde's (1854–1900) trial and imprisonment reminded Victorians that homosexuality and pedophilia were part of their worlds; while the artist and aesthete Aubrey Beardsley (1872–1898) helped to create a self-image of sexual radicalism, including an unfinished pornographic novel, Under the Hill (1894). Not long after, in 1899, Lord Longford was recorded for posterity in Hansard with a telling contribution to a parliamentary debate: "Of course I have seen people recover from homosexualism. A boy at Eton assaulted my elder brother in the bath there and was later expelled for repeating the offence on another boy. Later he became a pillar of society and captained the county cricket team" (Sweet, p. 190).

Victorianism and Progress

No other age was quite so strongly associated with a faith in the progress of technologies. Victorianism is correctly and inextricably intertwined with inventions and the rise of the machine. Steam locomotion, iron, and then steel ships, telegraphy, and many other developments receive attention from historians, for the Victorians triumphed over so many challenges of distance and power that had held up such progress in earlier times. Justifiably, Victorianism remains associated with industrialism, urbanization, transport, technologies, travel, and communication. The essential character of Victorian technological determinism was that science and the practical men could change the world through invention and implementation.

Leaps in technology were matched by developments in social thought. Prophets of progress and the enemies of industrial modernity competed for space, and both groups contributed to the sense of what Victorianism was about. From the 1830s, the critics of Victorianism grew. Modernity was feared by many and loathed by some. Tories, such as the "Young England" group (which included Benjamin Disraeli [1804–1881]) looked back to a bygone age of preindustrial harmony, where deference, social equilibrium, and a more agreeable life was once thought to exist. Disraeli's classic, Sybil; or the Two Nations (1845), captured these sentiments brilliantly. Another stern early critic, the Scot Thomas Carlyle (1795–1881), shared the "Young England" aversion to modernity but looked forward, not back. He abhorred the Victorian tendency to seek mechanical solutions to human problems and sought, instead, a reinvention of an earlier morality, but in a future setting. This style of criticism connected many early nineteenth-century thinkers, such as Carlyle and Robert Owen (1771–1858), to later socialists, such as William Morris (1834–1896). By the 1880s the critique of Victorianism was powerful indeed. Unlike on the continent, where Marxism was much more influential and where anarchism and communism posed a seemingly greater challenge, most British socialism sought accommodation with capitalism and was reformist in character. The Fabian, Sidney Webb (1859–1947), represented an administrative type of socialism, based upon efficiency and organization. William Morris's utopian socialism was characterized by a more fundamental attack upon capitalism and a pursuit of an alternative moral and spiritual way of life. Socialist criticism of modernity also had echoes in the growing feminist challenge to Victorianism. Although suffragism achieved its ends beyond the Victorian period, its seeds were sprouting long before Victoria's end.

Traditional interpretations of society as a static entity were undermined as the period progressed. Charles Darwin's (1809–1882) theories of evolution and Herbert Spencer's (1820–1903) considerations upon human development were to have a startling impact, radically altering classic Victorian notions of society and how to manage it. A social science, borrowed from evolutionary theory, that downplayed contractual in favor of organic ideas of society emerged. Social Darwinism and other evolutionary theories played some part in the development of a philosophy of state interventionism, which marked later Victorian, and particularly twentieth-century, thought (though recent studies, for example, H. S. Jones's Victorian Political Thought [2000], sound more cautious and complicated notes). The search for perfectibility in society, which echoed nature's selection of the fittest, could be set up for or against the collectivization of social welfare.

Victorianism Beyond Britain

Victorianism—in architecture, science, governance, and culture—impacted heavily upon the wider world. Britain's short-lived preeminence as an imperial power bequeathed a rather hardier cultural imprint on the world. After the globalization of the English language, the most striking effect was in the character of civic culture in the English-speaking colonies and dominions: Canada, Australia, and New Zealand. In these places, political systems, bureaucracies, and education took on a clearly Victorian character. Victorianism also affected street design and civic building programs—in India, parts of Africa, and the Far East, as well as in the Dominions. Urbanism marked the Victorian world outside of Britain, as well as within. So great was the growth in Sydney, for example, that in 1901 that city (not Liverpool or Glasgow) boasted "it now stands as the second city of the British Empire, as estimated by the annual value of its rateable property" (Briggs, p. 310).

Even when it stood at the leading edge of world culture, exercising a hegemonic power over large swaths of the globe, Victorianism had its critics. In politics, social thought, and economics, interventionism and a demand for action pushed classical laissez-faire ideologies to one side. Sexual repressiveness was challenged; many on the left of politics rejected capitalism; and an imperial rot set in after the arduous struggles of the Boer War (1899–1902). The challenge to Victorianism often came in the shape of a wholesale anti-Victorianism from a disparate array of groups: workers, women, socialists, bohemians, and from anticolonialists beyond the metropolitan stage.

#victoriana

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