#why can’t anyone figure it out

[blonkk]

i wish i wasn’t myself i mean after every single interaction or word that comes out of my mouth i want to rip my skin off. i fucking hate being a specimen like being treated like an experiment oh you’re depressed go on zoloft. oh it stopped working go on trazadone. oh that makes you black out for 15 hours in a row so that will cure your chronic insomnia but here go on cypralex. oh you have menstrual irregularities go on birth control. oh you’re sexually active have a pap smear (maybe this one’s different but idk i hate being probed and treated like a lab rat). one doctor literally said to me he thought it’s time i get a boyfriend (i think i was 21 or 22 at the time). yeah it’s low iron take these supplements. oh the insomnia is still there do a sleep study. six months from now. in another six months i’m told “there’s nothing wrong you you just have reverse sleep syndrome, best you can do is just try to find a night job and live the rest of your life like a fucking owl.” you’re 16 and you have PCOS. you’re 26 and wait now scratch that it wasn’t PCOS at all! silly us. we don’t know what it is tho our bad. yes you definitely qualify for a psychiatrist. just to be told after years of being on a waiting list and screened for months at the very first meeting with said medical professional that i “don’t really need this and there’s no point in continuing.” ok ok things are starting to make sense you’ve got adhd. try 10 now 20 now 50 mg of vyvanse and good news it will reduce your appetite so you’ll lose weight 2 birds in 1 stone right? (my doctor actually said this to me). hmmm things keep coming up, there’s a possibility of mild OCD and probable autism. autism. you are showing telltale signs of autism

i cannot take it anymore i don’t want to be a lifelong patient fr i’m gonna be coke a hypochondriac. the scariest thing is that i think the autism thing might be real the more i think ab how i feel in social settings and how i hate talking to people and never feel like i belong and things i say get misinterpreted and i can’t read social cues….i want to be fucking normal but the more that i get dismissed or randomly diagnosed and prescribed different random shit the more hopeless i feel like whyyyy can’t i just be normal. i was at a relatives place tonight and more people than i thought were there and i had to talk to people i don’t know and when i wasn’t stretching myself thin by making polite tedious conversation and wanting to kill myself after every word i said because i never seem to be able to read the room right i was trying not to cry because there were too many people and i was completely overwhelmed. literally i hate it so much but i’m gonna be 27…. what does it even matter anymore? i’ve made it this far being fucking sick all the time and socially fucking vacant and not fitting in anywhere with anyone so i can pretty much just keep doing it. i just wish he gave me one fucking thing lol he had to make me fat annoying permanent insomniac mentally ill and apparently “neurodivergent” and weird like bro just one fucking win would be nice. like i’m too anxious to even be dependent on substances like i’m so sorry if this is fucked up but i wish could use drugs and drinking to cope but i can’t because my brain doesn’t let me relax for five fucking seconds so smoking weed makes me paranoid as hell and i literally have some sort of blockage in my brain that prevents me from getting drunk. plus i’m too anxious to ever fully lose control it’s way too terrifying for me.

basically i’m wound up tighter than a spring and self medicating is out so i just cope by coping which is getting kinda fucking hard. what happens when i lose my student coverage, how the fuck am i gonna afford my drugs?? i’m already way over my therapy coverage and see her biweekly and now only monthly. i live my life in a constant state of exhaustion and interrupted functioning as a result of not sleeping, anxiety and apparently being fucking adhd plus whatever the fuck else. i’m too tired to keep finding new ways to manage like i can’t manage anymore. i wonder if there’s really nothing wrong or if over the past 11 years no doctor has really ever been able to do their fucking job. and tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. i don’t want to be anything i don’t want to be medicated or sedated i want to be normal and go to sleep when i’m tired and smile when i’m happy and cry when i’m sad and eat when i’m hungry and speak when i have something to say. i don’t understand bro why couldn’t i have just one fucking thing!!!!!

#sorry #i’m tired #i don’t like being diagnosed but never like #actually fixed #i hate being labeled #i hate being dismissed #i don’t want any sympathy #i want a fucking brain scan #i want someone to rewire my shit #i don’t want more #medication #if i have down bad bitch disease just tell me #if i’m just a weird little freak tell me #why can’t anyone figure it out #prescribe me something useful like a paid sabbatical to the welsh seaside #i’m gonna join a cult just to feel something i stg

[tesco-finest-aromantics]

i feel like the queer community lost when we started policing labels and making sure everyone used the Correct™ labels instead of letting a person decide what feels right for them

#caique posts #inspired by a post a trans guy made asking if it was okay for him to keep identifying as a lesbian even though he’s now a man #and all the comments telling him no because lesbians can’t be men #and also all the other posts of people asking if they’re ''allowed'' to use certain labels #why do you need permission? #who are you even asking permission from? #we’re not cops #do whatever you want forvever #also inspired by an article in a zine in the 80s/90s of two FtMs in a T4T relationship #one of them described the relationship as being between a butch and his sissy boy #i cannot ever imagine anyone calling themselves that nowadays #because of ''only lesbians can be butches'' and ''sissy is offensive'' discourse #i’m sure there are people out there who would want to describe their relationship like that but don’t feel they’re ''allowed'' to #anyway lots of baby queers are tying themselves in knots trying to figure themselves out #and they’re more concerned with using the Correct™ label instead of the one they feel most comfortable with #yeah i just don’t like it #knowing you’re queer should be a liberating feeling #instead of something anxiety-inducing because you’re worried if you’re using labels wrong

[kittenfangirl20]

Stella from Helluva Boss is definitely a case of where I hate the character, but I love the design of the character. I am also tried of seeing people say that she acts the way she does because Stolas cheated on her with Blitzø. We see in flashbacks that she was always like that from her choking her pet when she was child to making fun of Stolas and from what it sounds like she forced herself upon Stolas in order to make a baby. Stella is unsympathetic and there is nothing wrong with a female character being unsympathetic.

#helluva boss #stella #hate the character love the character design #i guess this is anti stella #though i can’t figure out why anyone would unironically love stella #but then again there are people who unironically love aegon ii #implied sa

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

lonan and harrison fanfic where all they do is watch movies & throw popcorn at each other

#my brain NEEDS THIS NOW #all of this is prompted by me seeing the ‘ppl who say why are you buying a physical copy just stream it need to jump into a hole’ post #<< paraphrasing I can’t remember what it said exactly lol #a couple days ago #AND SINCE THEN IVE HAD AN INSATIABLE NEED TO GO TO A THRIFT STORE AND #BUY A WHOLE BUNCH OF DVDs #anyway does anyone remember how I discovered that something loner & harrison have in common is a love for movies #WELLLLLLLL now that I need to write cute fluffy scenes of them actually being functional I need to figure out which #they are canonically into film noir BUT WHAT ELSE #last week I decided I wanna watch every single movie referenced in current joys songs (not an autisric choice at all) #so 80s & 90s here I gooooo #BUT RECOMMEND I NEED TO LIVE LIKE THEM #but also why is them having something in common so cute to me like are they not a COUPLE?????? #also I’m tired & been watching movies instead of writing because my brother left me his GIANT TV #BUT I CANT FIND ANY THAT ARE MY VIBE PROBABLY BECAUSE IM BAD AT LOOKING #AND QUEER MOVIE RECS PLS IM IN DESPERATE NEED OF GAY

[karmathehalflander]

redesigned my wof sona, Karma

#This is honestly the first time in years I’ve been happy with her design #I’m so excited! #Also It looks to me that art is kind of blurry when I post it on Tumbler #I can’t figure out why #So if anyone knows and can tell me #Maybe I have the wrong file type or something? #I’m not sure #wings of fire #my art #wings of fire art #wings of fire seawing #wings of fire rainwing

[vakarians-babe]

paranoia? you mean parannoying.

#there’s a lot id like to say but can’t figure out how to and also I would rather not start anything #it fucks me up massively to be afraid of a person spreading falsities about why I may have blocked them #bc idk call me crazy but that feels like punishing me for setting a boundary that I struggled to set for months #anyway if anyone sees this who has been told o blocked someone for having headcanons about a character being ace #that’s not true and I blocked that person for my own comfort relating to other incidents and repeated attempts to set a boundary #and I feel really trapped knowing that this person said this about me only after I had left a server we shared #anyway I know I am imperfect and there are things plenty of folks will disagree with me on #but I struggle to understand how that equates to me being a villain for deciding that I don’t want people in my space or I feel some way #this is contextless rambling I’m sorry

[rosicheeks]

hi Princess

i hope you are doing well

please tell us a little about your new job with the doggies!

#here are a few pictures from today 🥰🫶 #I have SO many pictures now it’s crazy #I should probably go through them cause I’m sure a lot of them are blurry but some are gems I must say #my favorite parts are probably when my yard is quiet and calm for a little bit (usually at night) and I sit down #and usually a bunch of them come rushing over to sit next to me #I can’t tell you how much I love it when a puppy lays on me or sits on my lap #it’s the best 🥰 #there are definitely a few challenges to the job but I’m sure I’ll be able to deal #the hard part is it doesn’t give me enough hours and I don’t think it’ll be enough $$ either #so I’m gonna have to find another job which really really sucks #I’m already so exhausted with this one idk how I’m gonna juggle another one on top of it #but I need to figure out a way to get my own car and move out of my parents place #I love my parents so much but why can’t they just let me be me? #my friend literally said it sounds like they’re putting me on a leash and that’s EXACTLY what it feels like #not gonna get into it but it’s been rough lately #life hasn’t been the best so I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately #haven’t replied to anyone in awhile #but thankfully work has been good and I’ve been able to meet some amazing angels 🫶🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️ #I just wish it paid better #also gotta figure out a way to wear my headset so it doesn’t trigger my migraines cause that’s been a struggle #really really REALLY hope one day I’m able to get my own puppy but at least for now I get to take care of other dogs 🥰🥰🥰🥰 #ask #thanks for asking 🫶

[iamumbra195]

you know, I’ve been noticing a trend where all of my favourite characters have died and then came back to life

Luffy (Kaido killed him and gear 5 weird shit brought him back)

Ichigo (Ulquiorra killed him but Shiro gave our boy plot armour)

Itadori ( sukuna killed him and sukuna brought him back)

Harry potter (Voldy Moldy killed him and the power of ‘love’ brought him back)

there’s probably more but off the top of my head, there’s these four and I just find it funny 😂

#bleach #ichigo kurosaki #one piece #monkey d. luffy #jujustu kaisen #yuji itadori #harry potter #Y’know sometimes I can’t get over the fact that jkr called Harry Potter after the name of its main character #Ik Rick riodan kinda did the same thing but still #And then you have bleach with the most random name in existence #Did anyone figure out why it was called that cause I didn’t XD

[designernishiki]

You asked for a fic rec so I’ll toss this one at ya: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46767358?view_full_work=true Stick through the formatting for the characterization, tone, and really the whole vibe of this fic. I haven’t been able to get the bathroom call between Daigo and Majima out of my head for weeks since I read it with how naturally it all flows. My own little Daigo characterization booklet to review when I feel like I need a refresher on him.

so I may have stayed up until 6am reading this (would’ve slept earlier but I couldn’t stop reading it) and hgggahaghhhhaggahshhhhhhhh that was one of the most well-characterized fics I’ve ever read what the fuck. like the differences in how each character speaks (both tone-wise and in differing levels of authenticity) and how they speak to specific others (the daigo and majima dyanmic specifically- how they actually take into account how long they’ve been working really closely- SO good), the mental anguish and chaos vs the overwhelming emptiness of being daigo dojima but no longer The 6th Chairman Daigo Dojima……….I could keep going but I think you get it.

tbh I’d been wanting to write something exploring a similar set of dynamics/situation (post-kiryu’s fake death, interactions with haruka, daigo, and/or majima specifically, reflecting on his shortcomings while acknowledging the heavy Grief left behind) but now I’m like. well I still could but this was so well written in regards to daigo and haruka that, as far as something between those two goes, I don’t feel the need to.

thanks for the recommendation! my brain is broken now (affectionate)

#rambling #fics #fic rec #there’s a little bit of minedai in there via flashback but I don’t know if im gonna put this in my minedai tag cause it’s really #not tecccchnically a minedai fic. it’s just. a daigo-centric fic/study more than anything #my favorite more lighthearted moment in this story is daigo talking to haruka in Okinawa after like 3 years and hearing about her #‘situationship’ with yuta and how it’s just more convenient to tell people they’re a legit couple and daigo’s immediate response on impulse #is just. ‘that must be nice. I mean that you can do that. if it were two guys or two girls or something you wouldn’t be able to do that.’ #or something like that and simultaneously sweating because he has no fucking idea why he’s saying that and can’t find a way to abort #my only critique is that I was hoping he’d come out to her (probably on the scene after that where it’s just them sitting on the deck) #and it wouldn’t even have to be a Big Thing it’s just. it felt like it was leading up to that (whether coming out on purpose or on accident) #but ah well #don’t get me wrong I think she could probably figure it out on her own based on the fact that daigo’s never had a girlfriend to her #knowledge and is in his 40s + that weird little gay tangent he went on earlier out of the blue #if anyone could pick it up though context clues and hints it’d be haruka and akiyama The Investigators. and oh no. looks like that’s #exactly who he’s stuck with #id love to see an update cause of this oh mannnn #(if anyone could pick it up it’d be those two + also majima but I kinda figured at this point majima would almost certainly already know #they seem like they have a mutual (possibly unspoken) recognition of one another on that front. based a little on what daigo says about #‘when kiryu says jump you say how high’ and majima floundering a little before admitting ‘you know I can’t resist those big #brown puppydog eyes…’ like i know that’s not too on the nose but it’s enough of a casual acknowledgement to Me that it feels… idk it just #feels like they Know. it just makes sense. and I hope they do cause it’d feel a little less lonely and terrifying to be gay in that world if #that were the case. yet another thing making it feel like majima’s a way more viable parent figure to him than kiryu fr fr…… #anyway I could keep going forever so I should probably stop #I’ve never considered how daigo would interact with akiyama and now they’ve got me intrigued. I really hope they update this with something #daigo #I really think a chunk of this fanbase (particularly The Queers) understand daigo as a character better than rgg studio does. and cares more

[moonilit]

my ultimate enemies… dating games and parry mechanics

#Ffvii rebirth shaping to be the ultra challenge #I can’t rizz up anyone why would you ask me to do it 😭 #Its like math to me and since im talking math #I cant figure out when to parry send help #Everyone is on low hp #Fcjbeshb #ffvii r

[saltedaltes]

Half convinced that c!wilbur is gonna come back in volume 2 and be like

“Hey btw Utah sucks-“

#i just can’t figure out why anyone would want to go BACK to utah??? #dream smp #mcyt #wilbur soot #manders’ block men

[merevide]

chica fnaf was in my dreams i think it was like an omen. for something i have not yet figured out

#like i was just watching a slideshow of various chica fnaf merch across my screen #it was mainly like plushies and some of it was like actual weird stuff iirc like in one of them she was in a shopping cart #and they were just flickering by and all i could do was watch i remember it making me really really emotional #i still have not deciphered it if anyone has any knowledge on this pls help #maybe it was a sign to see that damn fnaf movie next month……..maybe #idk i think it could mean something much more sinister much more serious like this might be world ending stuff i don’t know #why can’t i have normal decipherable dreams i don’t even look or think about chica fnaf that frequently #or maybe chica fnaf is some sort of code in my brain that is trying to send me a message. #chica = chicken = bird = ??? or chica = yellow = ??? #i’ll figure this out #my text

[lakeshor]

You either die an Eddie Munson enjoyer or live long enough to see yourself become a Wayne Munson enjoyer.

#eddie munson #stranger things #wayne munson #i am not religious but I have been thinking a lot about Wayne’s relationship with God #and I think he is shaking his fist at the sky right now #he doesn’t exactly believe in god in the guy-in-the-sky kind of way #more in the passive the-feeling-you-get-when-the-congregation-sings-your-favorite-hymn kind if piousness #but when Eddie dies…Wayne talks directly to God #and asks why it had to be him and not Wayne #why eddie had to have such a hard life #why Eddie’s good for nothing daddy was still kicking #and Wayne’s never wished death upon anyone not even his deadbeat brother #so he looks up at the sky and asks why He put this hatred in him #why He took his boy from him #why He made the Henderson boy into His messenger #before all this Wayne prayed out of habit #figured that on the off chance that someone was listening he might as well #but now he prays and knows that no one is listening #whether because God can’t hear him or won’t he hasn’t decided #but Wayne believes in Eddie more than he believes in God

[fated-normal-767]

me when I think about nearly any event that has happened to me ever: hm. I could write a post how explaining this and how similar events can affect people; not only could it potentially help someone, somewhere, but it would get the feelings off of my chest, whether good or bad or incomprehensible.

the evil part of my brain (winning): hehehe incomprehensible literary metaphors in a poem you say? all these ideas would fit very nicely in a rhyme scheme..

#my posts dont forget this tag bro. #ohhh my fucking god. literally why can’t I ever say anything whys it always gotta be a poem or short story #yes this is an official statement that all my poetry has significant messages in it. none of it is JUST writing #but good luck if anyone wants to figure it out. #incomprehensible metaphors are my favourite thing in the whole entire world

[kazoologist]

I actually really fucking hate how anything in my schedule not going the way I initially Intended For It To just automatically makes me a massive fucking crybaby and or a raging bitch. Like dude. The grocery store does not hate me. It sucks that my schedule requires me to get there an hour earlier no matter what but like. They didn’t do that to me. Why am I always so upset whenever I have to change plans. I change plans too! I’m a living person!!! Why am I so fucking upset about this!!!!!!

#personal #im gonna delete this later I’m just venting #I’m also fine I’m just having a rough day and I can’t figure out why my emotions have been so fucking volatile. It’s so frustrating that #I can’t figure out how to get a handle on my emotions. I know I need to feel things but the problem is if I let myself feel them too much #Then I’m going to spiral or lash out at some random bystander and both of these make the initial feeling worse #I just can’t pull myself out of that quickly enough recently. It’s not an issue of ability bc I can. I just can’t do it. #wait that’s contradictory. I’ve been really struggling too recently. There we go. There’s accuracy. #Either way. Didn’t I spend all year in therapy last year trying to get this shit together? What the fuck. #Why is it the second I show a modicum of progress I immediately hit a single pebble on the road and get sent ass over teakettle #Progress isn’t linear but it also sure as hell isn’t meant to be a time loop. That I’m pretty sure of. #God everything’s just been so difficult this year. Shit that used to be almost instinctual to me now is a nightmare. #Maybe it’s growing pains and I guess that’s valid but how long do I have to have them #The good news is that thus far I have not snapped at anyone so at least right now we don’t have any casualties of my bad attitude #I feel so bad being so worried about that but like seriously no one needs me to be snapping at them. Even if I feel catharsis in the moment #We all feel bad immediately afterwards #It’s literally not even been a bad day today. I cannot emphasize how this has been the only problem today. Literally so much good happened #Ugh #dont look at me

[tyrianlynch]

Why can’t my medical issues ever be straightforward??

#I have a swollen throat and fever symptoms with white dots in my throat #that’s the definition of strep throat right? so I get a strep test and they’re like ‘no it’s not strep’ #so like okay fine but what is it?? #‘we dont know what it is <3’ #just ONCE I would like the doctors to look at a symtom I have and know what it is #look my super complicated chronic illness(es) that make no sense to anyone? fine I get that it’s hard to figure out #but I just have a super basic sore throat so why can’t they just diagnose that one thing??? #why does my body declare war on me twice a day???