#yet i cant let it go for fear of disappointment i know that this is all i have connecting me to anything

[linpunny]

Temptations

A/N: I was in desperate need of a distraction from the current WIPS i have and I stumbled upon this while looking through my files. I must have been very deep in my Lucifer stage to write this lol. I have no memory of writing any of this almost two years ago. THE audacity of me. UNEDITED and SLIGHTLY proof read but im also two beers in and i cant be bothered.t

Reader has a kitty but no pronouns

Word count: 1511

TW: Degrading, fingering (f. receiving), slight blood play, squirting, intimidation, demon lucifer, slight sex shaming, biting, masochist reader, masochism. Sadist Lucifer if i missed anything please let me know~

Ping!

Lucifer: I’m waiting. I thought I had told you to come to my room within the next five minutes? Which was almost ten minutes ago. (Read 5:25)

Ping!

Lucifer: It’s now been ten minutes ..

(Read 5:26)

Ping!

Lucifer: I can see you’ve read the messages. Do you really wish to make me wait any longer? (Read 5:26)

You were building up the courage to knock on his door. The skin of your knuckles grew white and a bead of sweat fell from your face. Your stomach did flips as you thought of turning around and running as far as you could from the demon you feared the most.  ‘Is he going to scold me? Did I do something to disappoint Lucifer, which would then disappoint Lord Diavolo??’ You groaned at the thought.

Yet you didn’t fear Lucifer because you were scared of him. You feared Lucifer because of what he did to you when he cast his cold disapproving eyes on you. You feared the feeling of warmth that pulled in your core when he chastised you. You feared the urges that grew hotter and deeper each time he sighed your name, clearly at his wits end with you.

“How much longer do you intend to stand there?” There he stood in the frame of the door scowling as he shook his head in frustration.

His sultry voice brought you back from your forbidden masochist fantasy, your eyes wandered from his torso up to his beautiful midnight black eyes, flecks of red glowing faintly. “I-“ he didn’t even let you finish let alone begin to make up an excuse before he grabbed you by the wrist and tugged you into his room.

 “Hmm, you don’t seem to understand how little patience I have left for you.”  He released his grip on you and quietly shut the door making sure to lock it before turning his attention back to you. He closed his eyes and breathed in your scent which was filling the room. It was pure torture to him.

Lucifer couldn’t explain the maddening feeling he got when his brothers hovered around you. His blood boiled at the thought of Mammon snaking his arm around your waist and whispering sweet nothings into your ear while you giggled in response.  Bile dared to spew forth when he walked past Levi’s room and he heard your sweet voice coming from behind the door. Just the thought of you being alone with any of his brothers was enough to bring him to the edge and back. You were his undoing, but tonight you would come undone in his arms. You were going to experience just how far you had pushed him into a corner, he would make sure of that.

 he took a step towards you his eyes never leaving yours. You took a step back trying to build distance between you and the demon who was burning a hole into your soul. The pattern continued until you finally were up against a wall, there was nowhere left for you to go. “Lucifer...” you shied away from his gaze as his body loomed over yours, intimidating you. He placed his gloved hands on the wall, locking you in place.  Instinctively you flinched as a heat began to throb in your core.

“I think it’s time for you to realize just what you do to me when you flirt with my idiot brothers.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper as he palmed at your neck, feeling the profound outline of your collarbone. He craned his head down and trailed a line of kisses down your jaw line to your collarbone. He stopped when your breath hitched and smirked into your skin before harshly biting down bearing his fangs into you. Your vision blurred as tears stung your lash line straining down your cheeks.

“Lucifer!” You groaned in agony. or was it in pleasure? At this point you couldn’t tell anymore but there was a growing wetness between your thighs as he lapped at the blood from his bite. His forked tongue trailed down farther just above the collar of your shirt, cleaning the blood that had escaped him.

“This is what happens when you fraternize with demons, tiny human.”

you tried to bite back the tears streaming down your face as you looked to Lucifer. his gaze almost animalistic. A black diamond now adorned his forehead, glistening ebony horns twisted from the crown of his head, his wings hummed violently. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Lucifer..I have a pact with all of you. You’re all special to me.”

“Special.” He frowned. There was nothing special about you freely fucking his brothers while he stroked his cock each night to the thought of you. His pride swelled as his cock twitched in response to your subservient look.

 “indulge me for a moment..” he brought his right hand to your chin and  lifted your face to be level with his, his gloved thumb ran across your bottom lip. “....” Heat rose in your cheeks  as he continued, “How many of my brothers have you taken so far? If you answer correctly I’ll reward you..” his mouth was now near your ear as he breathed hotly against your lobe, “If you lie I”ll have to punish you.“ his voice was laced with seduction, soft and velvety as he tried to cox an answer from you.

The correct answer was three. Mammon, Levi and Beel.

You gasped at his question, your mind went blank. Did he know the answer? Or was he bluffing? Was Lucifer toying with you? But then again, he knew everything. He always knew everything. Either way the reward was probably just as bad as the punishment would be. Punishment or reward..? It was almost as hard a choice as choosing life or death at this point. While you loved hearing Lucifer praise you, you loved the thought of him punishing you even more. How many times had you wished he would roughly bend you over his desk and ram his dick into you, mercilessly until you couldn’t even think straight?

 you answered his question, “One.” You pressed your body against his shamelessly, waiting for his divine punishment.

 Lucifer chuckled darkly “Wrong answer my little human.” Before you could process what was happening his lips were on yours, hot and needy. Lucifer peeled his gloves form his hands letting them drop to the floor he needed to feel your heat on his skin. His hand had slowly snaked down to your skirt as he squeezed the soft flesh of your thigh, the other hand tightly wrapped around your waist. Surely you would be bruised as he dug his fingers deeper into your hips,his full weight now pushing you flush against the wall. He brushed his fingers against your aching pussy, your panties soaked from your arousal. Lucifer couldn’t believe how wet you already were for him. He slid a finger in and you moaned into the kiss, your hands skimmed his torso and found a place wrapped in his hair, tugging and begging for  more of his touch. Your walls clamped around his finger as he moved it in and out edging you closer and closer to your climax. He groaned as you rolled your hips into him, a second slender digit inserted into you, curling into your sweet spot.

“Lucifer ahh...Luci..fer!!” His name lewdly fell from your mouth over and over as he continued to work your sex, his fingers plunged in and out in rhythm while his other hand grazed the top of your waistline. He slid down down your skirt and underwear, you gasped and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth to taste the forbidden sweetness of a human. the pad of his thumb began rubbing circles on your aching clit, the wet gooey sounds of your pussy echoing in the room.

You were so fragile, so soft, so lovely. Lucifer was losing himself. He broke the kiss, watching in awe as you trembled in his grasp. “Are all humans so easy? You look as if your about to cum. How disappointing.”

You nodded as your head lulled, falling onto his shoulder. Repeatedly Lucifer fucked his fingers into the soft spongy spot that had you seeing stars, this was as close to heaven as you would ever get. The hot coil finally bursting with one final rough thrust upward causing you to see white, as you creamed around the base of his fingers, warm liquid gushing out and painting your thighs.

Lucifer smirked as he pulled his drenched fingers from your quivering cunt. “How unsightly.” He scoffed as your legs gave out finally, strong arms catching you before you could hit the perfectly polished wooden floors as he wrapped his hands under your thighs picking you up, your legs wrapping perfectly around his waist, hands looping around his neck as he carried you to his bed gently laying you down.

The rest of his punishment would have to wait, you broke far too easily tonight. Lucifer had all the time within the three worlds to train you to be his perfect little human. After all, Lord Diavolo did entrust him to take care of Devildom’s most important foreign exchange student.

© Linpunny 2023 All of the following works are fictional and belong to me. Please do not copy, edit, or steal any of my content. Do not advertise on any other social media.

#obey me shall we date #obey me #obey me Lucifer #obey me smut #Lucifer smut #lucifer x reader #lucifer #repost because I think it got flagged idk??? #I should be writing my taiju fics but I’m a clown and don’t want to #Dessy's tomes♡

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

Decided to finally write my fic idea that I posted a while ago :D

Summary: Texas has been working for too long and Oklahoma isnt happy about it. Texas gets a much much needed massage, they have a talk, tears are shed, cuddles ensue.

Random HC: Texas has piercings (navel, ear, nose, lip). Not as many as New York, NJ, or Louisiana though.

_________________________________________

Oklahoma stomped out to the barn with an exasperated look on his face. Texas has been working outside everyday from ungodly hours of the morning until they went to bed, and even then he wouldn't sleep. Oklahoma was upset about it, yes, but he was more worried than anything. The days were long, hot, and humid, and he knew that Texas didn't have that good of an immune system nor a clear knowing of when to take a break (so he didn't). Oklahoma barged into the barn.

"Texas!!!"

Texas's head shot up from where he was fixing Ranger's stable door. "Uh oh...", he whispered to himself. Welp. He had a good run.

"Yeah...? Whats up?"

Oklahoma scoffed. "You know whats up!"

Texas did know. But he would just play dumb. "Uhhh no...?" See, his tone was halfway convincing, but his nervous smile gave him away.

Oklahoma just stared at his boyfriend for a minute, looking him up and down. Texas's hair was a frizzy wreck, there was sweat dripping down his face and strong yet slender arms, and he had long abandoned his shirt, only wearing his binder now. Oklahoma couldnt help but blush at the sight of Texas's toned, scarred, freckled midriff. Huh when did Texas have a navel piercing....

Texas chuckles. "Like what ya see?~", he teased.

Yeah. Okay. He did. But given the circumstances, he wasnt all too happy. He sighed before walking over to the taller state and forcing him to his feet.

Texas let out an uncharacteristic squeak as he was pulled to his feet by rough yet gentle hands. He was about to say something, but then Oklahoma started dragging him towards the house by his arm. He felt a slight twinge of pain from his aching arm muscles, but said nothing and just allowed himself to be dragged.

Once they got inside the house, Texas was unceremoniously tossed onto the couch. He looked up at Oklahoma, who had his arms crossed and a mad....no, not mad.... disappointed look on his face. God Texas hated that look.....

"Well? Wanna explain yerself? It is 8pm! What time didja wake up and start workin'??" Oklahoma questioned.

Texas cleared his throat. "I-I-I know that yer mad bu-"

"Im not mad!!" Oklahoma snapped. He was about to shout again, but reconsidered after seeing the mild fearful look. Damn ol Texas for maming him so soft....He sighs. "Sorry I'm just.... I'm just worried alright?? Yer always overworkin' yerself and doing stuff for me and others. Ya work in the hot sun for hours on end without takin' more than five minutes to take a break. And when ya do take those five minute breaks, its just to consume more unhealthy amounts of caffeine! Ya never actually make time for yerself and yer health and ya cant tell me that its not worrying!"

Texas avoided eye contact for a minute before looking up at his boyfriend. He wanted to say something, but he couldnt. He stared down at his feet instead of just uselessly staring up at the Sooner State.

Oklahoma sits down next to Texas and pulls him into a hug. He gently rubs up and down the taller state's back and buries his face in his shoulders. Texas mentally cursed himself as tears welled up in his eyes.

"I-I-I'm sorry, mi amor.....", his voice shook with every word.

"Shhhh.....dont apologize...", Oklahoma whispered gently, his heart breaking. He pulled away slightly and saw the tears running down Texas's face. "Oh Tex....." He pulls Texas back into the hug.

Texas clung to Oklahoma as if he would disappear if he were to let go. He let the tears fall from his eyes, as he was no longer able to hold them back.

"Hey....", Oklahoma spoke gently. He tilted Texas's head up and gently held Texas's face in his hand and gently stroked his cheek. "I'm not mad....okay? Youre not in trouble. Not at all. Okay...?"

Texas nods his head yes, though it was clear that he was unsure.

"I would like to know why ya do this to yerself though.....Ya can tell me why, I won't be mad." Oklahoma gently ran his fingers through Texas's hair

Texas sighs before just getting to the point and he said the first thing that came to mind, "¿De qué sirvo si no trabajo....?" He felt the hand in his hair pause for a second.

It took Oklahoma a moment to translate his boyfriend's words to English. Once he did, his heart broke a little more. "Tex? Do ya really think that yer only purpose in life is to work and serve others...?" The only response he got was a strained shrug and a defeated sigh. Oklahoma sighed himself and just hugged Texas closer. "Please...Texas....You have much more purpose than just being a workhorse and a servant....and you're your own person with your own body and mind. Ya cant overwork yerself and overexert yer body like this. Please promise me you'll try to take more breaks and not work so much.....okay? I love ya so, so much, my star....."

Texas's eyes welled up with more tears and he pressed a soft wet kiss to Oklahoma's lips. Once he pulled away, he stared down at the Sooner State with nothing but pure love. "Te amo, mi corazon...." He rolled his shoulders back a bit and tried to stifle a wince at the pain that shot through his sore torso.

Oklahoma furrowed his brow in concern. "Jesus Christ- Are ya hurt??"

"No. M' just a lil sore....", was Texas's reply.

Oklahoma paused for a moment before speaking up, "Lay down on yer belly and lay yer head on yer arms." Texas was a little confused, but did as he was told.

Oklahoma began to gently massage Texas's back, starting at Texas's shoulder blades and gently digging his thumbs into the area. Texas groaned softly as the knots were tenderly messaged out of his shoulders.

"Where are ya most sore?"

"..lower and middle of my back..."

And so thats where Oklahoma moved his hands. Texas groaned and whimpered slightly as Oklahoma worked his magic. Oklahoma blushed at the sounds that escaped Texas's lips, and even more at the fact that he was the one causing the noises to happen. He leans down towards Texas's neck and planted a gentle kiss on the back of Texas's neck. He chuckles at the shiver that runs through Texas's body.

Oklahoma gently rubs up and down Texas's back once he massaged all the knots out. "Aight I got yer back. Where else are ya sore?"

Texas melted at the feeling on his back. "Y-Ya don't have t-"

"Answer the question, Texas."

".....arms an' hands...."

"Aight."

Texas was flipped over onto his back and Oklahoma gently took his arm and kneaded his thumbs into Texas's bicep. He worked his way down, eventually coming to Texas's hand. He dug his thumbs into the palm of Texas's hand, earning an embarrassing whimper from the Lone Star State. The Sooner State chuckles as a blush spreads across the taller state's face.

Once Oklahoma was done with helping Texas's sore torso, he cuddled him close and they both fell asleep, Texas lightly draped across Oklahoma and Oklahoma with his arms wrapped around Texas.

___________________________________________

Tags: @tigerdrachin @alaskashigh @misery-has-no-company-now (lmao Misery idk if you like TexaHoma, but theres angst soooo-)

#welcome to the table #welcome to the statehouse #ben brainard #wttt #wttsh #wttt texas #wttsh texas #wttt oklahoma #wttsh oklahoma

[peachyloveswriting]

u do murderiplier with a reader that has ADHD please im begging you????? like the reader just has a hard time sitting still and just like remembering things and is always jumping from one thing to another and is just like cant focus plllss

FOCUS --- (Murderiplier x reader)

SUMMARY: Being ADHD does not help when you a killers apprentice. Yet here you are, sobbing your eyes out to a man who might not even care.

CONTENT: angst, self doubt, fluff.

NOTES: not so fun fact, I am severely ADHD so I just based this off of how mine can get sometimes. It's a little sad ik but there's a cute ending.

⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝

Pinching the bridge of his nose Murdoc sighed. Even through his darkened sunglasses you could still tell he was disappointed. The best killer in the world and his apprentice can't even match his level. You knew you shouldn't have started working with him but you'd already tried everything under the sun. He finds it difficult to deal with you enough as is and you know he's going to kick you out soon enough. Now, everytime he speaks you jump. Your lips fall into a thin line and you advert your gaze else where. All you ever did was cause the man issues and you knew he just has to hate you. Sometimes you'd find him staring at you in what looked like disgust. Nausea crawls up your spine, the thought of yourself like a bad after taste.

"Fuck." He groans. Wiping the blood from your brow, you bite your lip and turn to leave. Splices of pain alive through your feet with every step reminding you just how annoying you are. Knowing the cops will arrive soon, you make your way out the door sluggishly taking the knife with you while Murdoc watches you with a pitiful gaze. He knows you can't help it when you get excited, and he can't be mad at you for that but you cost him a lot now. Not that you cared enough to pay any attention to that once you got into those self deprecating state of minds. Dreading what's to come he trails after you to the car and gets in with you.

Once you got moving on the road everything was a blur, the thought whirling around your head like a tsunami if hatred and embarrassment. Jumping out of the car was a better choice than this, but no matter how hard you fight to reach for that handle the fear clings to you more. It's all you can do not to scream your fucking lungs out. Murdoc senses your lingering disappointment, the silence is gagging him like a noose. You're just a kid, you don't belong in his line of work and you don't belong with him. At the same time he knows he should let you go but he just can't do it, not when you're so much like him.

"Kid I-" The silence is sharply broken by a dull and broken voice. "Do you hate me doc?" You ask. Your heart throbs in your chest as choked sobs slip past your wet lips. It's hard to keep contained when all you can feel is a compression of such depreciating and sad thoughts. A need to be swooned like a baby, to be held on someone's arm take you whole and you curl into yourself. Looking at you sparing he rests a hand on your shoulder and squeezes firmly. It's never been this bad before. By now you should have been on a completely different subject, telling him all about the thing you know and ideas you hold in that big ol' brain of yours.

"No." He finally says. Looking back at the road he takes a moment to recollect his thoughts. His singular work however didn't help your case anymore. Looking out the window you watch the buildings rush by, they remind you just how fleeting each moment it. It's quite similar to your thoughts, in fact you can't help but look on in disarray as you mind jumps from place to place.

"Can we pick up something to eat?" You quietly ask. He frowns at how quiet your voice is. The small rasp at the end tugs his heart strings even more. You've dealt with enough of his bad support today as is, he can't handle seeing you so down when you're normally not. "Sure kid. Of course." Your heart thrums happily in your chest and you wipe your teary eyes. "Really?" You ask. It's almost like you expected him to say no, you've never asked before though. When he glances at you his stomach does flips, you have a small smile tugging at your lips as you look at him with adoration in you eyes. "Thank you."

⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝

Smells of fast food fills the car as home grows closer. You're smiling and dipping you hands into the warm bag of food in your lap. Looking over at you Murdoc feels content with himself, a feeling he's long forgotten since child hood. To see you bring this back to him warms him with joy. In a way, you're like his kid more than his apprentice and he could never trade you for anything. Even if you're hyper sometimes. "I love you kid." The sound of his gruff voice pulls your attention to him. Eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights you stare at him in awe. When he looks over to see your face he cracks a smile. "Don't look at me like that squirt."

You chortle as his choice on nickname. "Squirt?" He nods and stares out at the road ahead. "You mean like mad dad did to my mom when he-"

Muffled cackling ensues as he slaps a hand over your mouth. "Too far!" He claims. You just stick your tongue out to lick the palm of his hand. Giggling like a loon you watch as he vigorously wipes your saliva on his pants. "Really?" He exclaims. Snorting, you cup your own hand over your mouth to take a deep breath before letting out another wheeze. "It's not that funny." He deadpans. Letting out one last giggle, you smile. "I love you too, doc."

#Murderiplier #markiplier x reader #markiplier egos x reader #ahwm x reader #iswm x reader #markiplier cinematic universe

[theflavorpurple]

would it be random if i just info dumped on this rare pair ship i've been obsessed with..?

eh ima do it anyways-

fair warning it could be like ooc or inaccurate this is just kinda my take on how it would work kinda making my own au for it ig ANYWAYS-

Transformers starrod dynamic?? :

-both under the shadows of previous leaders

-both had some type of admiration/ idolization/ slight infatuation with megatron that both ended up in disappointment and slight heartbreak, it wasn't love no it was a crush but both seemed to end on the most disappointing note on megatrons side

-could possibly get together under the demands/influence of peers/society since rodimus is a prime and starscream is now leader of cybertron, could be arranged

-use each other for their own self benefits and pleasure (complicated toxic yuri)

-”it's complicated” it really is but also isn't, their relationship is their own business

-everyone tells rodimus starscream is using him and ‘seducing/brainwashing’ him and that he's only going to break his heart. rodimus isn't stupid he knows but he also knows starscream would never do that (or at least has some hope)

-everyone tells starscream he's wrong for being with rodimus and to leave the prime alone or whatever but the seeker knows what he knows even if their relationship is complicated he's not going to let someone who doesn't know the true meaning of their relationship get to him (or at least tries to)

-maybe the mistress of flame has some significance… (idk her she just sounds important and relevant especially with rodimus)

-everyone wanted them together but their close friends (rodimus's) want them apart, starscream has had his fair share of “talks”of interrogation trying to get him to share his “true intent” with the prime (honestly it's an insult to him and his past trine)

- maybe they're still together out of pure spite?

-people may still try to act all sleezy around rodimus thinking it's all an act and fake. starscream still proves even after the war his talons are sharper than ever.

-jealous. starscream? jealous? of megatron? ha. don't make him laugh. yet his glare that could strike fear in most was pointed directly at the ex-decepticon leader. more specifically at the hand that was placed on a certain flame colored bots shoulder. no his wings didn't twitch in agitation. you've seen wrong, you don't understand how wing cant works.. and certainly the tiny spike of annoyance you felt in his field was just a figment of your imagination… yeah official meetings are certainly awkward, best to not interact with either of the pair…

-rodimus lives under the constant shadow of optimus wherever he goes people think he’s immature and naive when he is not, he acts like he doesn’t hear the jokes and whispers but he is no idiot everyone thinks he is and optimus does nothing but prove that

-i feel like their relationship as hot rod and optimus went from father and son like to disappointment and underestimation after he became Rodimus Prime

- seeing megatron with Optimus hurt them both. as a form of betrayal on rodimus’s end and as a form of anger for starscream. betrayal because he had trusted megatron with his troubles of never being good as the optimus prime. anger because no matter what happens even if that war is over megatron will always get his way. he gets his prime.

-the war is over but their idolized leaders had left a mess in their hands. now it’s their job to fix it. but hey. they’re happy together now, they’re proof everyone is at peace.

-”they think you're an idiot. they think you're naïve.”

“and they think you're not fit to be a ruler. they think you're selfish.”

“they think. and do you believe them?”

“do you..?”

“i know what i know, and i know how to prove them wrong.”

(i mean if anyone wanted to write for this concept don't let me stop you if anything pleases tag me cuz i crave content for these two😍 i love how complicated they are)

#transformers #theflavorpurple #mtmte #rodimus prime #starscream #transformers idw #starrod #optimus isn't always a good guy #megatron #optimus prime #megaop #slight megarod #slight megastar #rodimus x starscream #they're complicated #transformers g1 #transformers x reader #transformers au #rodimus and starscream just need love #they are the same but in different ways

[toxicanonymity]

I had a thought after re-reading raider!joel (specifically this section: https://www.tumblr.com/toxicanonymity/725046850702524416/hey-possible-ask-for-you-i-cant-stop?source=share)

What if reader pretended to climax and how would he react now that their “relationship” is becoming more complex. Like what if kind of branching off the linked one: he’s got you wet, but you just can’t get {there} or your just exhausted or something. I can think of some obvious reactions from him {frustration} but like what he do to you and what would his other and the readers emotions reaction be to this. Something tells me he ain’t just going to let you pretend, but please feed us with your knowledge on the raider!joel lore 🥹

The linked post (hypothetical): raider goes down on you

interesting Q. . .I think it depends on which version of him you're dealing with.The two smut scenes in the most recent one, Night Air, are very different. Same with the two smut scenes in Close. In both cases, he's in beast mode the first time and more engaged with your mutual pleasure the second time. 

In his animalistic mode, his main objectives are to cum, release tension, and/or reiterate that you're his. You know this and you can read him pretty well as seen in the first smut of Night Air.  So I don't see you faking it in this case because you know it's not the point of what he's doing. 

He wants it to feel good for you (seen in Gun Hug), and it’s even better for him if you cum, but if you don’t, it won’t get in his way. Incidentally, this mode is pretty exciting in a way that does something to you sexually anyway lol. 

The other version - sex is something to enjoy, and your enjoyment is part of his enjoyment. I guess the easy answer here would be that he overstimulates you.  As the post you linked suggests, I think he would love and excel at giving you oral — even though we haven’t technically seen it full-on canon yet, there’s a glimpse in Failed Escape  when he says it’s not for fun that day. But Idk, I think underneath it he’d be confused. He's never expressed disappointment if you don't cum or insisted on doing something until you cum, or stopped because you came, so it could be hard to understand where this came from. Like what’s the point if he’s going to finish anyway?  It could be similar to the reaction in the post you linked, where he’s like a kid whose toy stopped working – did he break you/the situation finally caught up with you, or are your batteries dead/you’re tired? Don’t wanna get ahead of them in playing out the fears/emotions here bc they're not at the point of discussing all this. Another option, confusion → frustration, putting him into beast mode, see above.

#raider!ask #raider!joel #joel miller headcanons #toxic ask #joel miller #raider!analysis #joel miller x reader

[errintheimmp]

Fresh new start \Vox!xFem!reader\

vox x fem!reader

tw; Smut, lemon, use of tongue (fem receiving), strong language, s3x

Pink= thoughts of Y/N

blue = Vox

purple = Velvette

Red = Val

My first post on this. I had it written for a little over 3 weeks. I hope u Enjoy it.

background:

I am the illegitimate child of the Goetia family , after I were born my mother fled the Pride ring to the Greed ring. Fast forward, I was 20 years old and got a job opportunity with the 3 V's as one of Velvette's models to start out with. My mother doesn't want me to go mostly for safety (and the fact that your father hasn't sent his spell book yet). But I had to take this opportunity, if I didn't I don't know when this will come back. Not only that, I would get to work with Vox. One of the 3 V's in the tower, I heard that he was a very serious person when it comes to business. But he is also very sweet to the people he wants. He got Velvette to look at me for her modeling gigs. But regardless I took this position and started to pack my bags, I didn't want to stay in hiding just because of what my parents did. A few days after, I went to the train station to get a one way ticket to the pride ring.

Story:

I got off the train with a sense of relief but also a sense of fear. A fear that you picked to wrong choice, that I should have stayed in Greed. But I cant look back, right now this is for me. I took a deep breath and past through the gates of the Pride ring. I got scanned in and made my way to the load off for my luggage. my phone starts ringing and its mom, she just want to make sure that I made it safely.

After I grabbed my things, I went off to my assigned apartment that Velvette got me. Its pretty close to the V's so I don't need to make a massive commute. after I got settled in, I heard a knock on the door. Its Velvette.

" Hey Y/N! Look I know you just got here but you neeeed to come with me. I have a show to get done and one of my models got torn to pieces; And my replacement just went MIA!"

" Oh ummm ok......I just need to..."

"Not now Y/N! Get your feathered ass in here now!"

I didn't want to disappoint her, let alone piss her off. So I scrambled to find my sweater and ran out of the apartment. Thank christ on a stick that I made it cuz everything is chaos.

" Damn this is a hot mess.."

People are throwing clothes on racks and tables, Models are getting into the dresses for the show, and people are arriving. it was a mess. but along the mess you spot a familiar looking person in the crowd.

"Is that Vox?"

Velvette responded, " Yeah, That flat faced prince comes to my shows sometimes. But he only does just to bitch about his time being wasted. He is a tool."

" There has to be a reason as to why he is here."

V: " I dont know, but there is a show thats needs to happen. So hurry up!!"

I got to my station put on the first dress that is due to go out. Even though I am the 4th person out, I still felt nervous. I have never modeled before. ( i should have said that before i got here, but thems the brakes). But most of the nerves isn't just from not modeling before, it also cuz of Vox. I've heard that he is one of the most curt but charming out of all the Vs.

Then lights dimmed and the music started playing, models started coming out one by one with V's designs. Even though V claimed that he didnt want to be here, he is paying attention. Almost as if he is looking for someone. Before I could process, I had to walk.

I walked out in a solid red dress with a sweetheart neck line, with black mesh cut outs on the sides. Its cute but not something I normally wear. I took a glimpse of the sides as I was walking down, camera flashes with whispers of complements.

"She is really pretty...maybe i could sign her on."

" If that dress was on anyone else, it would not sell"

" I cant take pictures with all these flashes :| "

The my eye came across the flat prince's face and ........he froze. His eyes followed me as if he never seen a woman before. I got to the end, turned around and went back stage.

V: " That was pretty good. since this is your first show I'm not gonna let you do multiple rows until your 3rd show. Got that?"

I shook my head yes and got ready to head upstairs to meet the rest of the Vs.

2 1/2 hours later;

I went upstairs with Velvette with a few dresses in my hand. Neither of us said anything throughout the elevator ride, it was more like a comfortable silence. We got up to the penthouse of the tower were Val and Vox were waiting.

Val; " AH yes. you must be Y/N? Correct?"

"Yes hello. Its an honor to be in your presence."

Val; " I like her....she knows her place here...."

'Nah I just don't want a moth man to be mad and blowing smoke up my ass...'

" Hello, Its and hon...."

"You dont have to say that to me. Just call me Vox."

" oh ok."

" I saw you in the show earlier today. You did pretty well. And you were very pretty."

" Thank you..."

There was a moment of silence for a little bit. Every time I try looking at Vox, he would quickly look away. Almost as if he was avoiding something.

"All right, you go back downstairs and pick up the rest of the makeup. I'll get Moth boi and Flat prince to get some more show times."

I shook my head and did as I was told. I cleaned up the aftereffects of the show and put up the designs that were not used. It took a while, but it was finally done. I went back upstairs to see if Velvette had anything else but I bummed into Vox instead.

" Oh hi, I didn't mean to stop you like this."

" No no it's my fault I was paying attention. I am assuming you are looking for Velvette."

" Yes. I dont know if she had anything else...."

" Well she is busy rn so I'll take you to complete a few projects."

I got a little excited, ME?! with Vox?!?! How? And am I technically Velvette's model?! Who cares! I am with this charming man for a few hours.....THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!!!!!

" This is my office, I want you to file these patents for me. Once that's done i'll be at my desk to give you anything else."

" oh ok..."

" great my idea of fun does not have filing cabinets in it...." *

Disappointed, I got to work with these stupid patents. After a while, it became more peaceful and I got into a nice flow. Fast forward 4 hours, I was almost done I just needed the last 2 packets. I went over to Voxs' desk to see him face down moaning to himself. with no time to think, i turned him over to see if he is ok.......He was fine he was just slightly drunk.

"for a grown man he sure is a lightweight..." *

" Sir are you ok? how long have you been at your desk like this?"

" Hi...I thought you weeerreeee gone for tthee......*hiccup*...day"

" No I still have about 2 more to do"

" You can doo..that laterrr....for now...i want to cuddle....."

Did he just say cuddle?!

" Im ok with that, as long as you are not putting people and yourself in danger."

"ok"

He smiled at me, like the genuine smile you give when you haven't seen someone in a long time. I took his hand and pulled him to the couch, as we sat down he topled over into my lap. A little superised, i just stroked his back. This last for a little bit until he sat and asked me something....

" Can I kiss you? I have been waiting to ask that since you got here."

I blushed, Even though he was drunk he still was nice to me. I love what he does and how he conducts himself too. But the biggest deal for me was that I felt safe. I don't feel creeped out like with Val, nor feel stressed out like with Velvette. I was chaotic, hot, and nervous.

" yes you can"

Vox reached out his hand to stroke my face, he leaned in and kissed me. He moved his hand from my cheek to the back of my head. I leaned into the kiss a little bit more, putting my hands on his chest. He breathed heavily in my ear as we leaned in closer. I pushed his boetie off of his neck along with his white shirt.

" I don't think the couch is the best place for this.."

Vox took my hand and lead me to his bed across the way. He sat me down and kissed my neck all over. I let out a small moan as he continued. He wrapped his arms around me holding me, as if he doesn't want to let go. I slowly went to take of his suit jacket, exposing his back and shoulders.

" Please contiue.....I haven't felt this way in a long time.."

My heart skipped a beat...my hands were getting a little shaky as I started to hold his face....

" Can I take off your belt?"

Vox face went all different shades of red. He shook his head yes, so I did as he wanted. At this point, his length was bursting it wanted to leave its domestic prison. I leaned a little more into him, at this point I was on top of him. Heart pounding, mind racing, breath getting more frantic. He then started to un-do the blouse I had, exposing the brown lace bra underneath. He looked up at me, and kissed me as has took of the shirt letting it fall to the floor.

" Do you want to go all the way?"

" Yes, with you, Yes"

After I gave him the ok, he rolled on top of me. taking my shirt with it. I don't know how but he did, He then slowly when down and kissed my inner thighs. I was shaking with anticapation, I want him to stick his touge inside me....to taste me. He put his hand over my lower belly and slighty pressing me down. He made his way inside, I let out a small moan as he ate, I could feel him painting my insides. he then moved to the top humming as he went. I tighen my legs around his head but he kept going, Vox hummed faster. Making sure he pumped he with his fingers. Twist and turns, I could feel myself about the come....

" PlEaSe!"

" What do you say? be a good girl..."

" Please, I want you inside me...."

Without another word, he slid his length out of its prison and put it inside me. The pain went as quickly as it came. He continued to pump himself into me. I was gripping the couch begging him to go faster. His pacing became less steading and more like his breathing, erratic.

"Fuuck.."

"I cant keep this uup...ffor too long.."

I could feel him throbbing inside, I could feel that he was close. But I wanted him to keep going. I felt my walls gripping him even harder and i know he could feel it too.

Then his pace picked up even harder and faster. In the middle of it all he ripped off my bra to get a better look at me. When it was off, he look down on me. Admiring his baby girl, he gave a small smile while saying..

"I love you....I love you so much please come with me"

" I love you too, i would love too"

He quickly bend down to held me, I wrapped my arms and legs around him. As he wrapped his arms around me, we both let out a soft moan into each other. I slowly released and sprawled out on the bed. He pulled out and fell beside me, we were still riding the high that we had for each other. I turned to look at him with a gentle smile..

" Can we do this again? I really enjoyed doing this with you.....with no Val."

Vox chuckled, " He wont now...He has his own stuff to worry about. And yes we can do this as long as we like.."

Thanks for Reading, this is my first fan fic. that I was able to post. I hope you like it. I may even to more with other characters.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel vox #vox hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel velvette #lemon #female #fem!reader #ars goetia #helluva boss goetia #helluva boss #hellaverse #so hot 🔥🔥🔥 #consent

[jazzstarrlight]

Curtisson & Toppat-Neo

Part 1(?)

It's been nearly a whole year since Burt and I hung up our hats for good and opened a small café. It was pure bliss waking up to his sweet face every morning and the innocent aroma of coffee helped me move on from my life of crime and vengeance, until one day…

All seemed normal after the morning rush. Burt was cleaning up tables and I was finishing up an order, when my next customer strolls through, carrying an umbrella. She looked rather young, no more than 11 or 12. Light brown hair and familiar orange eyes, wearing a pale-pink jumpsuit under a black and pink, dress-like trench coat.

"Welcome! What can I help you with?" I greet her at the cash register. 

"Everything looks so good! I think I'll have… A raven on rye."

The young girl's odd request froze me still. Raven on rye. How would she know Toppat thieves-cant? "I… I beg your pardon, miss?" Hesitation in my voice. Not good. I've been out of the game too long.

"I said…" The little London girl slid a black toppat across the counter. "Raven on rye."

My gaze searches for Burt among the occupied tables to see him listening in with the same questions I had on our minds. "Sorry, everyone! We have to close up early. Thank you for coming."

Burt escorts everyone out and flips the open sign around.

"How one earth do you know that code?" Attempting to hide my fear behind a fake wall of intimidating attitude. 

"I taught it to her." Another British and feminine voice spoke behind my back.

"Carol. What are you… I thought… What do you want?" All my questions multiplied as I whip around to see my old friend.

"Isn't it obvious? We're here to re-recruit you." Carol shifted into a cold smile. "I've heard of your… Topcap gang. To be honest, I'm rather disappointed." 

I shrank into my shoulders. "Trust me. It was not my best idea. I was at a pretty low point. How are you not… you know. In jail?"

Carol tilted her height onto one leg and crossed her arms. "You forget? I went on vacation to London right before the space station launch. After I found out the ship missed its mark, I decided to stay in Brittan and rebuild the Toppats within the shadows of big ben."

"And mind telling us why you recruited a 9-year-old?" Burt stepped in, beside the little girl.

She stomps on his foot and pulls his shirt down the meet her empty-yet-furious expression. "I'm 13. So shut your yap, old man."

Carol raises her hands in protest. "That's enough, Clementine." The girl lets go silently. "This is Clementine Copperbottom. She is actually Reginald's secret daughter."

"Daughter!?" Burt and I shout in unison.

"There's a second Copperbottom?" I add.

"Yes. My mother was Heather Copperbottom. She passed away long ago and I've been searching for my father, until I met miss Carol." Clementine explained.

"Now, since that's out of the way, are you in?" Carol holds out the black hat. "It'll be just like old times. However, I will be Chief and you'll be my right hand. Quite a few new recruits will only take orders from a female Cheif." Clemintine and another woman (I could only presume is our old' friend Matilda because of the pink hair and envious fashion sense) block my exit routes.

"I…" I stared at the top hat in her hands.

"Sven…" Burt sounded worried. I wouldn't blame him. This kind of offer, I would've jumped at the chance! The Toppats aren't gone, just hidden and upgraded.

My hand shook as I raised it in front of the hat, and smacked it to the ground. "It's a tempting offer. But I have to decline. We left that life behind and we're in no rush to be involved again."

Burt rushed over and latched on, smiling. "You heard him." I hugged him back.

A huff came from Carol's throat. That's never good. "I didn't want to do this. But you have no choice in the matter. Girls?" With a snap of her fingers, Clemintine and Matilda pulled Burt away from me, getting a fist to the gut when I tried to stop them. Down on my knees, I watch the young Copperbottom lock a small black collar around my boyfriend's neck. "Burt! No, stop it! What are you doing to him!?"

"It's just insurance. Nothing like an exploding and self-tightening collar, but shock collars get the message across well enough." Of course, Carol heard about the suicide collar I had… commissioned.

It's true what they say, 'what goes around, comes around.'

"I won't use it as long as you play nice and do as I say. Am I clear?"

"Crystal." I growled.

"Good. Your first order, put this on." She hands me the black hat again.

I pay attention to the texture of the silk fabric.

"Sven… Don't." Burt breathed.

I'm sorry, Burt. If this is the only way to spare you from getting fried… the hat fits perfectly as I stand up.

"Welcome back, Svensson." Carol voices with a cocky grin I've never seen her make.

Don't worry, Burt. The Neo-Toppat's are going down. I'll get that collar off of you…

If it's the last thing I do.

To be continued…

#henry stickmin #t3nsion #sven svensson #burt curtis #sven x burt #curtisson #toppat-neo #part 1?

[skunkg1rll]

honestlyyyy i just rlly miss when i was deeply nd profoundly in love with all the bts members. i listened to their music everyday, i had folders where i saved my fav pics of them, i read fanfics all day, i wrote fanfics abt them, i watched their mvs and compilation vids of them all the time, i had a twitter fanaccount where it was sm fun talking to my moots, i wrote letters to the members, i had dreams abt them, daydreamed abt them... etc etc. tbh i had this sort of detached attachment. like i deeply loved them, but i knew that it would never be anything more than a fan loving their idol that dont even know you exist. it was comfortable that way. i would never be heartbroken by them, they didnt knew i existed. i'd never get to talk to them and build a real connection. it was shallow yet deep at the same time. i actually miss it so much. they brought me so much comfort, they supported me thru tough days at school, when i had social anxiety outside, when i had to do things that scared me i just thought of them and repeated their names. when i was lonely i talked to them in my daydreams. they were always there for me. and they would never let me down, bc they would never ever know me and be disappointed by me and leave me. they still feel like family to me in a way. this is smth that is very pathetic to ppl, but like idc. it isnt sad or pathetic to me, esp when i knew where the limits and lines were. i daydreamed abt them being my boyfriends but i knew they were never gonna be and that was safe to me. never knowing them was a comfort and security. it's like having what i needed the most without the fear and discomfort. there was a time where all i wanted was to just have a job and my apartment and spend my days at work and then my freetime reading nd writing fics abt them. listen to their music and follow their careers. but.... i grew out of it. i was attached to them for almost 4yrs, which is the longest i've ver liked anyone or anything. but i cant control what i feel connected to or not. it just happens. sometimes i try to get back that feeling, but it just wont spark!!!! i mourn my connection for them sometimes. it was so so so comforting and safe and they saved my life once upon a time. they made life less scary for me. they made me feel a desire to live. that love i have for them is still there, it's just duller and softer. i wish it could be just as bright and intense as back then bc they helped me so much, but i cant force it. i havent had anything like that since then or before. my latest connection and attachment to an actual person i have a real relationship to and talk to has just hurt me. idk i miss it... just wanna go back to my life as an army fangirl

[ikeafleshlight]

reading what you wrote back in '21 is another type of pain. i cant quite put it to words. honestly, words would do it an injustice. i wish i had been the person i am now back then. but i wasn't. and now we're back at being strangers.

i told my best mate the truth. i would have opened my arms to you without second thought. it'd be instinctual. you, all your words and the way i can imagine you speak them right to me.

i know that once i'm in love again, i'll be fucked. because i won't make the same mistakes. that's an amazing thing, isn't it? yet here i sit and wonder why it feels like a gaping hole to no longer love you. i was an idiot right 'til the end, emi. i think the only thing i have ever been truly disappointed by when it comes to you is how you didn't tell me i was one. even at the end, you called my friends immature. why couldn't you call me and just yell? i know it's selfish, but it was exactly what i needed. you yelling and telling me how all the shit i've ever done has affected you.

sorry for being a jerk at the end. my grandma was dying too, you know. now my father's close to kicking the bucket. i wish i was more of a person, more of a man. more of the kind of thing you feel safe with.

we're adults now. fucking weird. strangers. i'm 20 and i've already forgotten your last name. it was pretty, i know that. half as pretty as the nickname i gave you on impulse. i think it might'vw been etched into my very bones. all over - they say your nickname. someday they'll probably be gone. but they'll be appreciated until then.

i started playing Valortant. you were right, i would like it. i like it very much.

i know my mom is proud. but i never got to tell her about you. and that somehow makes her pride mean less to me. i'm better now. nothing like who i was. it saddens me that i went back to old, unhealthy habits out of fear and frustration when we spoke again. all because of such a silly thing as love.

i don't know where all this love will go when i get over you. maybe it'll meet the love you let go of. maybe they'll be friends again. i'm sorry i still think about you. i don't mean to. i just think the last of this love needs to realize you're never coming back into my life.

i'm sorry i left. i couldn't handle it. all my friends told me i needed to. they saw how shit i had become. i didn't blame you. i was just so, so very sad over your decisions and the circumstances that made you not be able to talk to me. talk genuinely. just let the words pour. i'm sorry i clung onto that until the very end.

my borderline ass couldn't handle it i guess. it just made my brain scream all the time. and you were with him. and the screenshots you sent me? they made me want to throw up. i hope you're happy now. better at least. and that you ripped down that god-awful wall. Daichi and Meme are gone. you and i are gone. and emmia was always a pretty bad nickname.

[ashktchcum]

If you’d rather read this on Wattpad I provided the link.

⚠️TW⚠️: Self harm, Descriptions of self harm, Suicidal thoughts, Panic Attacks, disassociation, Anxiety, Childhood trauma, OCD, Body Dysmorphia, Gore, Gender dysphoria.

This is by no means meant to be a romanticization of Self Harm or Suicidal Ideation, I’m hoping it as seen by the readers as the opposite. Seen as a reason to stop the self sabotage.

I hope that this story can help others who struggle with quitting this addicting cycle by reminding them of who they started out as, a little kid.

If you are struggling with self harm or Suicidal ideation or know of someone who is struggling please reach out to someone who can help. Whether it be a therapist, a Suicide Hotline, Crisis hotline, a friend, a family member, a friends parent, a doctor. You can even go to an emergency room and ask for help.

The world is a better with you in it❤️

⚠️TW⚠️: Self harm, Descriptions of self harm, Suicidal thoughts, Panic Attacks, disassociation, Anxiety, Childhood trauma, OCD, Body Dysmorphia, Gore, Gender dysphoria.

If I missed any please let me know in the comments and I will add them.

— — — — — — — — — — —

Breathe

Just breathe

In and out…

In an-

Fuck it.

My brain is forced to take a back seat in my skull, unable to calm my overactive mind. I almost leap out of my bed when I make up my mind and start sneaking down the, unreasonably loud, wooden staircase. I reach the garage door then creep it open, every step I take reminds me of why I shouldn't do this.

Call your therapist

Turn around and go to your parents room.

Call your cousin

Call your grandma, she always says you can

Please just play a game or something.

Or fucking watch youtube.

Jesus Christ They’ll be so disappointed in you

Elliot? What if they blame themselves?

Are you that fucking selfish

You’re such a waste of-

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

My feet hit the scratchy concrete floor, my mind goes silent.

I walk to my dad’s work bench, pulling out the small unsuspecting drawer, my hand is stable.

I know not to blindly shuffle, so i raise myself on the tips of my toes and look down.

So small… so thin and brittle, yet somehow capable of creating life long engravings.

I gently trace the cold steel before taking a few of them into my hand, just in case.

I quickly push the drawer shut and turn back to the stairs.

My bones shake while I stand in the un-insulated garage, not from fear, not regret…

It’s just cold down here, so fucking cold.

I start back up the stairs.

Don't bother your therapist, they're probably asleep…

Step

Your parents won’t understand.

Step

Your cousin has enough on her plate

Step

Your grandma cant handle anymore stress

Step

You don’t deserve the comfort of a distraction

Step

That wont be enough to distract you anyway

Step

You deserve to hurt.

Step

They're already disappointed in you.

Step

You deserve to hurt.

Find a better hiding spot this time.

Step

You deserve to hurt

You deserve to hurt

You deserve to hurt

Step

You

Deserve

To

Hurt.

My cat meows, breaking the silence, it sounds almost as if she’s asking a question.

Huh?

“Oh hi baby.” I try to stop my voice from shaking, as if my cat understands what i'm about to do, let alone will tell someone. I sniffle and gesture at her out the door.

She questions me again, almost bargaining this time.

“Please baby.” I don't want to scare her, I know she doesn't understand, but still…

Her next demand turns into a chirp as I gently use my calf to push her out the door. There isn't any real emotion on her face when I do so but, why do I feel so guilty?

I step up onto my bed then fall into criss-cross applesauce, like I'm a little kid about to play with their dolls.

God I miss that, the simplicity, the all consuming imagination of an innocent child.

God that poor girl.

The one who made messes playing with monster high dolls in the recently cleaned guest room. The one who slept with as many stuffies as possible so the inanimate objects wouldn't feel alone in the suffocating darkness. The one attached to her mothers hip, or riding on her dads shoulders. The one who suffered from intrusive thoughts but didn't say anything not wanting anyone to worry, even if that meant sleepless nights. The little girl whose body dysmorphia started at the ripe age of 8. The one who was small enough to lift with one arm yet was still scared of sitting on someone's lap in case she hurt them with all of her non-existent weight. The one who sacrificed her own well being to listen to her traumatized friends since no adult would. The one who turned their underdeveloped mind into a vault, holding the pain of the other kids who couldn't bear the weight of their own emotions anymore. The one who stopped talking about her feelings, worried she'd make someone worry for her the same way that she worried for those others…

No wonder she ended up here.

Hating themself wishing they could rip their skin off, not to shed it and become anew, but to feel the pain they so believed they deserved.

I take a sharp breath when the pain starts, its hard to describe the sensation of a blade slicing through skin.

I guess It's like. Dragging a warm knife across a melting ice cube, like pulling velcro through a cat's fur, ripping a feather from a bird's wing against the grain, using a serrated blade to cut a tomato.

There's a cringe to it, ya know? A satisfying cringe.

I pull the small blade away from the fresh cut and watch the blood begin to pool, meanwhile wondering if anyone else has used a small craft razor such as this to cause such damage.

And then, release.

My brain clears, aside from the buzzing…

My lips tingle and my anxiety disappears.

But I don't cry, I don't whimper, I'm stronger than that. I don't get to complain, I deserve this.

So I do it again, then again, and again, and again until I lose count, each one getting slightly deeper than the last.

Slowly it becomes proof of the hidden pain within my throbbing head, until i notice they're not deep enough.

So, I retrace my steps.

Dragging the blade across my already open wounds, and now I whimper, then punish myself for that by going even deeper until I notice the blood is starting to seep a bit quicker than it should.

Coming back to reality, I grab a piece of gauze soaked in 99% alcohol and press it against the wound then look up, focusing on my bedroom door.

I start taking note of every single sound in the house, worried i will start to hear footsteps or that my cat might start meowing at me in that worried- NO, not worried, shes just a cat, but she is isnt she? She has to be worried or- or scared that im mad at her, but im not mad at her im just- just- fuck this hurts. Did i got to deep, has the bleeding stopped? Nope, hold more pressure, why is my blood brown? Am i infected? Do i have an infection? Is it- oh wait thats just a reaction caused by the alcohol, or is it? I need more guaze. Is it still bleeding? Yes it is. Oh fuck, im dying, i cant let my parents know, but they can help me, i dont wanna die, but i wanna keep going, i want to keep cutting, please stop bleeding so i can keep going. I cant keep going, i cant, i need to stop i need to stop but i dont want to please dont make me stop i just want to die. Wait no i dont i want to live i want to meet people i want to stopihavetostopthisistoomuchitstoomuchitstoomuchitstoomuchpleaseohgodohfuckshitshitshit-

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Only little dots form now, of the blood.

I look at the damp crimson pieces of gauze lying on my comforter, its really not that much…

I deserve worse.

I can take worse.

I pull my shirt off and use my free hand to keep my skin stretched. I grab a new clean razor, I knew I'd need a few, then bring it to the unwanted breasts stuck to my chest. I Shouldn't have to worry much about bleeding a lot from here, i can’t imagine there are any huge arteries or veins, or whatever the fuck. I don't know, i don't care.

I hate these, they are saggy, and ugly, and fucking gross. They remind me of the girl i could have been, the girl i don't want to be but wish i was, it would be so much easier that way, but…

They/Them

How stupid

They/Them

How over dramatic

They/ Them

How simple

They/Them

How comforting.

She/ Her

Thats easier.

She/Her

How obvious

She/Her

How hurtful

She/her

How fucking painful

Elizabeth

How triggering

Elizabeth

Why is it triggering

Elizabeth

Please stop

Elizabeth

Thats not me

ELIZABETH

Shes dead.

ELIZABETH

Shes gone

I SAID ELIZABETH

Please just stop

YOUR NAME IS ELIZABETH

NO ITS NOT, ITS ELIOTT MY NAME IS ELIOTT, ELIOTT, ELIOTT, ELIOTT, ELIOTT, MY NAME IS-

“FAT”

I carved fat into my chest

“UGLY”

I carved ugly into my chest

Well so much for V necks

I'm tired. Finally, I feel tired.

I check the hall before i go to my bathroom to wash my new uselessly placed gills making sure to get soap into every nook and cranny, rubbing vigorously against my exposed tissue. Until the pain numbs, then i clean them with alcohol knowing it will worsen the scars.

Once I'm done I bandage myself up with the medical supplies I picked up from the store earlier today, however I don't use any cream, or ointment, or neosporin. I want to savor this pain, I need to feel it every time I change the bandage, ripping off newly formed scabs. I wonder what the Cashier thought of me? Did she see the scars on my arm, did she know what I was planning to do? I hope not, I don't want to worry her- Or them, i don't know. I hope i'm not misgendering them, i know how shitty that feels, fuck. How can i expect people to use my proper pronouns when I barely even know how to use them myself? Why do I even care, its not like I'm saying this to her- them, shit whatever.

Once im done i lay back in bed, the scent of alcohol is still fresh even with the window open. Hopefully it'll be gone by tomorrow, or not, i don't really care. It’s not like they would understand what it meant anyways.

Sorry, I was sanitizing my keyboard!

Sorry, I was cleaning my glasses!

Sorry, I was having one of my OCD moments!

Sorry, I was drinking it!

Sorry, I was pouring it in my eyes!

Sorry, i was trying to sterilize the dozens of cuts i left all over my body last night!

There they are, my intrusive thoughts, I was waiting for those to show up… I work for about 30 mins to block them out, contemplating whether i should start slicing again to quiet the noise before they turn homicidal, however the contemplating ends up being enough to help me finally drift off to sleep, then she visits.

“Elliott?”

“Huh?” I recognise her voice.

“Our name is Elliott now?”

“Uh yeah, I guess” I cant look at her

She whines slightly

“Why couldn't it had been casper? Or! Or! Ariel! NO I KNOW! Sheradyn!”

I chuckle a bit and almost turn around, but I remember.

“I dont know, i just liked it i guess…”

“Oh. Well then… I like it too!”

Even though my back is to her, I can feel her smile, our smile.

I cant respond.

“It’s kinda like a nickname. We always wanted a nickname, like Sheradyn. Or Frankie like Frankie-stein.”

God she sounds so beautiful, so hopeful.

“I don't think that would make much sense kiddo.”

Don't turn around, don't ruin this moment.

She giggles.

“I guuueessss.”

We’re both silent for a moment. All I hear are small rocking steps, she just can't ever stop moving, can she?

“I miss mommy and daddy.”

Her voice is quiet and mousey now

Don't turn around.

“You haven't let me see them in a while.”

She sniffles and I feel my knees begin to buckle, i just want to turn around.

“Im so sorry Elizabeth.” My voice breaks like an old record.

“Its ok.”

No it’s not.

Suddenly i feel her tug on my shirt and I jump.

“We're really pretty Elliott.”

My head droops from my shoulders

“Can I touch your hair?”

I cant turn around

“It looks like mermaid hair.”

I cant

“Please?”

Fuck.

I turn around.

Shes beautiful, so fucking beautiful. Her sleek hershey hair is curled just the way she always liked it, Her apple cheeks are tan from having fun playing in the sun. Her dress is flowy and innocent. But her arms, Oh god her arms.

The scars that cover them are horrifying-

But she smiles.

The clear as day carving of the word Fat sits on the center of her chest-

But still… She smiles.

The cuts on her lips, her eyebrow, her nose, ones that faded long ago on me yet remain fresh on her.

My knees finally buckle and i fall to her eye level, yet-

She still just smiles.

“Im so sorry Elizabeth.” tears are streaming down my cheeks.

She reaches out and runs her fingers through our purple hair.

“Mermaid hair is scratchy”

I chuckle as she scrunches her tiny fingers through my dead ends, then pull her into a tight hug,

“Im so so sorry Elizabeth, you deserve so much better.”

I pull back and cup her small face in my hands studying every detail, she just listens and places her hand on the backs of mine.

“You are so beautiful, you have so much potential, You deserve so much better than me.”

I bow my head, but she hugs me.

I hold her tight in my arms trying to provide her with all of the love, support, and safety I so desperately needed when I was her.

“I love you Elliott.”

“I love you too Elizabeth, i love you so so much.”

I cup the back of her head, bringing her in even closer.

“You are not worthless. You are not Ugly. You are not a bad person. You are not selfish. You are not a disappointment. You are worthy of love. You are Strong. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are Selfless sweet girl. You are not a burden-“

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I wake up sobbing, I want to say more, please let me say more… I quickly grab one of the pillows out from under me and throw it against my face muffling my wails of pain. My heart, my head, my skin, my bones, everything hurts, everything is shaking, i cant stop shaking.

Are we really that Beautiful? Are we really that Loving? Are we really that blunt? I cant help but laugh thinking about that last question but it only lasts a second before the tears rush back in.

I hurt her, I hurt that little girl. I ripped her apart and I made her think she deserved it. I thought I deserved it.

She's so small.

She deserved better from me, she deserves better!

I deserve better.

I Love you Elizabeth, I will do better, I will be better.

We deserve better.

#short story #drama #realistic #nonfiction #queer #rant post #vent post #sad thoughts #sad poem

[ohleander]

1.23.23

Feeling the dire need to be brutally honest with myself and admit just how bad things are inside my brain and that I could really use some help. My biggest problem is that I don't know how to ask for it or how to even let someone know I'm feeling this way without feeling like a burden. The people around me don't deserve a sad-sack all the time, especially not my dad. I'm supposed to be a good and fun companion.. I really want things to be good for him but I feel like he's sad and let down whenever I'm going through a depressive episode. The depressive episodes have been so frequent lately. More than anything I want him to know that its not him. Its my brain.. my brain feels so bruised inside my skull today. It pangs with the same tenderness as a skinned knee, except all over on the inside. Nobody follows this blog and it makes me feel a lot better.. I'm always afraid to post something to cause concern.. I don't want attention from others, generally, but I feel like my eyes are constantly bleeding and people are just pretending its ok... seeing it and not doing anything because they don't wanna be inconvenienced. It feels that way at least. I guess I'm lucky in the fact that my people pleasing and fear of disappointing others is kinda keeping me on this earth. I still need everything to just stop and pause for 2 seconds. I haven't been able to process all the things lately.. I'm swallowing too much, is how it feels. And I want to be straight up honest here and admit that for the past 4 months or so I've felt more suicidal than I ever have in my life. The feeling of wanting to not be here is so overwhelming and also involuntary at times. Along the vein of a toddler needing a nap? But to the worst extreme. Too much self awareness is my friggin curse and I'm happy to be self aware but there's a point where its too much and I cannot get things to turn off. I'm constantly hearing words inside my head, whether its repeated lyrics or repeated sentences from the day.. all over top of my subconscious thoughts and all that on top of my active thoughts. Its hard to describe that its a lot. I handle everything well on the outside, and I definitely do a good job overall with all that's on my plate but its wearing me down to nothing. I've had more days where I want to quit my job more than anything. Its a terrible environment if you are anyone with responsibility. Its a tough pace to keep and everyone can get nasty for no reason. I cant take it for too much longer, I cannot be so dramatically unhappy and its the only thing I can change quickly. I am just so overwhelmed. Its hard for me to trust too.. dad doesn't have any connections outside of the family.. i think he'd prefer to be completely alone, but he does like having me around. I feel like I have the opportunity to do things right and well while he's still here and yet that task feels so daunting. Its so hard to live and function in this country, even amidst all the opportunities. I'm so angry that I make $20 an hour and that's STILL not enough to live comfortably. My savings is dwindling and its scary. I have an elderly father to support and yet we are 1 emergency away from not having enough money to function. It really scares me. I always feel as if I can do better but I cannot force myself to get it together. I think the hardest thing to swallow is that I feel like I have this perfectly fine vessel of a body with no illnesses other than whats in the mind and I cannot manage to get myself to cooperate. I had all day today and yet my anxiety and depression had me at the throat all day to where I barely did anything. I'm to the point where if I don't find a better way to "choose myself" I might freakin lose myself.

and on that thought, I cannot help but feel like my whole personality has become void. All I feel like I do is work and come home and rest. I've got a list of hobbies but cant consistently keep up with them unless there's the pressure of a deadline, like someone's birthday or a holiday.

I do think the hardest thing I've had to admit to myself today is that my suicidal thoughts are very real and that I've had them for a while. I can sit with that thought without being afraid. Its tough to admit because of my pride, perhaps? I don't want to cause any stirring.. I don't want to be the reason something isn't ok. I don't want everyone to fuss over it if I tell them because I don't trust the kind of responses I'll get. It'll be harder to deal with the backpedaling than anything else. And yet my feelings are so loud and real and I don't want them to be. Its the only solution my brain can come up with though all the pain that its been in.

A tree just fell in the woods and made a suspicious crash.. I'm always relieved when they dont fall on the house.

This is a long one but I want to keep going. This has really been a tough month since the last one. I thought I'd get a break at the holidays but the 1 week off was not enough to fix my problems, nor was my first day back at the day job an easy one.. I cant keep teetering between feeling fine and feeling SO extremely not fine.. the fluctuation is exhausting.

Another thing I'm aware of is how my childhood is affecting me now. Some things make a lot of sense and other things are shocking to me when I realize it. I was always the emotional comfort in the family. I was allowed space to be a child but only by myself. I can remember a handful of times my dad joined in on tea parties though because I asked. One tough thing Ive been working through lately has been the fact that I was always sent to be alone to deal with my emotions when I "behaved badly" It was either time out or my room. If I ever got upset, I would be told to stop crying and get over it. But I really am an emotional crybaby of a human and that's fine with me. I will cry so much instead of shoving it down from here on!

Writing has definitely been helpful but I realize its not a fix-all for this depression. I need to take responsibility somehow. I need to find balance between my responsibility and my boundaries. I cannot always be an open yes-man. Maybe the part-timers have it right when they say "I can ONLY work these days and that's it"

How can I become a better people person without being a people pleaser? That comment hurt me real deep last week. It made me well up with anger because I'm literally so nice, why is that a bad thing. Another thought I've had recently has been the fact that I've been allowing my anger to come out a little more.. I feel as though I have so much anger blocking up inside of me... letting it out bit by bit has highlighted the depression maybe.. I'm at least allowing myself to feel things which is something I never used to do in a good way before. ...or did I? Its very confusing.. I think that's why professional help would be good.

LA

[emeraldbabygirl]

Today I learned that J.Heart from N.Sonic married a fan, there’s a whole video of it on YouTube please I’m so drained I’m dropping green slime like the gremlin I am. I know so many older ex idols of kpop groups where and how is this happening ugh what in the y/n wattpad having ass I beg and beg and I get nothing. Where is my hot husband? I don’t think I’m being selfish I think I deserve some eye candy in my life I think I’ve been through enough. GD hello I’m single and I’m free just let me know and I’ll give you my address please. Takuya pay for my plane ticket and I go to Japan for you or wherever your sexy ass is juseyo please? 🥺 and it’s always the ex idols or older idols like I get it, relationships and communication and commitment and language barriers and sexy people and I’m LITERALLY THE LIL GREMLIN UNDER LEE JUNGSHINS BED EATING HIS TOENAILS I AM STARVING PLEASE and it’s the older male idols and the older female idols I bawled my entire pussy out when I found out Miss Ma’am Moon Hyuna from 9Muses was not only married but had a child ugh. ALL MY 9MUSES WIFES ARE MARRIED TO PEOPLE THAT ARE LESS PRETTY THAN THEM BUT MORE PRETTY THAN ME WHERE IS

IM PERFECTLY AVERAGE AMD SLIGHLTY MENTALLY UNSTABLE AND HATE LITERALLY EVERYONE AND HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS IN GENERAL BUT KAIN MY LOVE LEE SANG THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FOR ONE MAN I CAN MANAGE.

IF I HAVE TO SETTLE FOR JAY OR NIKI FROM EPIPEN OR..KEEHOS GEN Z ASS I FUCKING WILL I WILL TAKE THEM AND RUN CAUSE I HAVE NO MORE HOPE FOR ME. Call me a dramatic lil bitch but I’m so jealous and I blame my father for my intoxicatingly tragic fear of men ??? but wanting a relationship listen I know it doesn’t make sense trust me I am a walking ball of “brain isn’t braining” as the kids say these days. Either some entity or god or fate or whatever you want to call it has something beyond my wildest dreams in store for me later or I just have bad luck and all said spiritual entities really hate me that much. I know I’m being dramatic but the greesy lil gaslighting mouthwashphobic gremlin jumped out and I can no longer hold her back. I am as unhinged as my twitter and that’s just the way I am. I just get jealous of people in relationships because I tell myself I’m not interested and then I want one and then I don’t and then I say I’m a walking self defense mechanism and then I cry that I’m single and ugly but I don’t do anything to care about being pretty or taking care of myself like I swear my 3 braincells and the 5% of my good personality are a catch. My sweet Erwin Pattrick Pennors please 💍 man jealously is one hell of a drug “frfr” as the kids say these days. I just want to be happy but I feel like if I don’t get in a relationship or if I don’t do this or this I won’t be happy or if this does happen, what if the wattpad y/n gods actually bless my shitty life and I don’t like it and I’m not happy then what? Is it the disappointment of the future fueling my rage or is it the unknown. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE JESUS MAKE IT MAKE SENSE PLEASE IM SO TIRED OF EXISTING FOR THE SAME ROUTINE EVERYDAY YET IM TOO TERRIFIED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE IM LITERALLY PERFECT FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MENTALLY UNWELL LIKE ME 😭😭😭😭😭

ALSO YES I AM JEALOUS OF PLEASE THAT GET TO GO TO CONCERTS AND FANMEETS AND HAVE FANCALLS AND GET NOTICED BY THEIR FAVS ON THE INTERNET AND GET TO RANDOMLY MEET IDOLS OUT OF NOWHERE OKAY ITS TAKEN FOREVER FOR ME TO ADMIT CAUSE I STUFFED IT DOWN MY THROAT AS MY ANXIETY COULD NEVER I AM AFRAID OF MEN I HATE LARGE CROWDS I CANT DO IRL WITH REAL PEOPLE AND MAYBE SOME OF THAT IS TRUE OKAY I do get nervous around humans of the male species that are strangers and idols are no different but everyone gets nervous when they meet an idol right? Not just my ass thinking “I’m quirky” for whatever bs situation I made up in my head I get it I do but jeez I have to be so damn loud about it and literally no one fucking cares they don’t. Kain and Lee Sang and Daeil and Rolling Quartz and Grace and other idols don’t care about what I say they just appreciate the kind words like anyone does. I have been trying to get Kain to look at my insta for like 2 months and no it’s so dumb and not worth it like I just am not the main character and never will be I’m too mentally off and ugly and dramatic and just the vibes are like static and a sharp object to a balloon. Some things just don’t and won’t work out no matter how much you want it too. If it takes an another famously “delulu” rant on all my social media’s to discover this than so be it.

Maybe in 2023 I should stick to working on my own problems and my mental health and focus on driving and learning how to adult instead of wanting a hot husband and all these toxic scenarios I come up with in my head. I get jealous of people on social media who get famous and are followed or known by idols ya’know I think sometimes everyone does but some people just do things in a way that the pieces just fall together and that’s just it.

Good lord I think I’m done now I’m still jealous and sometimes I get sad about it and I might later cause ya’know

✨ moon tingz ✨

I’m fine fine ya’know. I just crave attention and want people to call me pretty and foam at the mouth and ya’know fun celeb stuff. I know I have friends that love me and give me compliments and I will forever be grateful for that no matter how long they are my friends but sometimes I just want one specific thing from one specific person even if it’s “delulu.” Anywee have this picture of something

#for real I think I’ve actually lost it #that j.heart video might have actually broke me #I spent a good 10 minutes screaming at takuya on twitter #then I come here and scream for another hour #maybe I need to have a near death experience to ‘fix my wagon’ #maybe that last suicidal thought wasn’t all for nothing #ugh #I suppose it need to ‘touch some grass’ as the kids say these days #what more can I say that hasn’t been said #if you’ve known me for years you know my pattern #if this is your first time meeting me please stay away from me #it’s for your own good trust me #ugh remember that one time someone made a fake Niki tinder profile and I matched with him #good times :’) #uhhhh #rant #I’m the human embodiment of a yeast infection and a train wreck #🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 #find the sad cowboy ITS MEEEE 🤠🤠🤠 #personal #please don’t like take this with a grain of salt but also do #but also I’m ‘down bad’ as the kids say for human interaction that’s not a friend ya’know #is anyone whack enough to relate? or am I alone once again