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midnightmoonkiss · 5 years

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First Kisses

Todoroki Shōto X Reader

Summary: After an encounter with a rude first year, Todoroki is thrown in a downward hazy spiral of PTSD and depression. Will his s/o be able to snap him out of his thoughts with a confession and a kiss?

WARNINGS!: Contains angsty thoughts and self hatred but ends in extreme fluff

Category: Angst to Fluff

Word Count: 2k

Season: Winter

Just to Clarify:

‘These are Todorokis thoughts’

( c ) = color of your choice

The sound of soft footsteps landing on pristine floors and the wide array of voices seemingly all blurred together into one sound, a buzz similar to that of a fly as it annoyingly keeps chasing you around. It was almost as if any and all sound entering through his ear came straight out the other, but leaving a distant and distorted sound in its wake. His legs moved on their own, numbly down the not-so-crowded hallway.

Todoroki Shōto was lost in the never ending dark chasm of his mind of which was filled with nothing but thorns and bitter wind. Lost in the sound of his mother’s once sickeningly sweet words of comfort, lost in the seemingly forgotten but never ending feeling of his stomach and throat burning from excessive vomiting due to being horrifically overworked. He sucks in a quiet yet desperate breath as he feels the walls begin to close in on him, a slight watery burn to his scarred left eye.

The memories all creep back up on him as soon as he thinks he’s forgotten them, it was as if a bucket of Arctic cold water was poured on him.

Can he ever escape the depths of his mind?

It’s too much to take, he can’t think straight.

Was he even truly thinking at all?

The distant sound of his name catches his drifting attention.

Oh, how soft and delicate it sounded rolling off whomever’s tongue.

It was as if his name was a piece of thin glass, beautiful yet fragile and easy to break.

Perhaps that glass were him, and not just the name,

“Shōto?”

His heterochromatic eyes blink wildly, searching for the familiar voice, snapping himself from his muddled and violently aggressive thoughts.

A soft hand lands on his freezing tensed right arm,

“Hey..Shōto..?”

Finally, his eyes land on you, unknowingly softening his once distressed gaze.

(Y/N).

Your (E/C) eyes hold a certain warmth to them, breaking away at the frozen murky watered shell he was once encased in.

He then notices how your delicate brows are furrowed with worry, beautiful pink lips turned down into a frown.

‘Why do you seem so upset..?’

“Are you alright, Shōto ..?”

His eyes widen, a sudden wetness appearing on his face. He lifts his hands, grimacing at the feeling of hot tears. He didn’t know he was crying. How embarrassing, here of all places? In front of his lover, no less.. ‘God, I’m pathetic.’

You then slowly move to stand directly in front of him, lifting up your soft (S/C) hands to gently wipe some of his stray tears away. Your knuckles were slightly bruised and red from a mixture of combat training and the chill from outside of which creeps its way through the hallway window glasses.

He shyly glances away, a barely-there blush appearing on his ivory cheeks. Even though you’ve been a couple for two months now, he still wasn’t fully used to the delicate touches you would give him. Hell, you haven’t even kissed yet. Other then the bashful forehead kisses of encouragement.

“It’s okay, Shōto..” You whispered, a small yet comforting smile etching its way on your smooth lips.

This happened often. “Not as often as it used to, thanks to you” Shōto would always mention after he snaps out of his subconscious attacks. It takes time for PTSD to pass, sometimes it never does. How cruel the mind can be. You can never truly escape it’s chilling grasp. Oh, what a horrible man his father was to do this to him.

He’s always been good at hiding it. Hiding the cracks, covering them with frost to appear perfect.

You flicked away the now cold tears on your fingers, bringing them back up to rest on Shōto’s soft face. His eyes were glazed, not only with tears but with fear.

Fear..

Ah..

This particular scenario occurs from time to time. Not only does the stress of one day becoming his father, which will never happen, get to him, but so do his insecurities. More specifically, his scar. Most days it doesn’t bother him, it’s almost as if it wasn’t even there, but on some rare occasions it does. Like today, when a student from 1-D openly cringed and made a crude remark about it. How else was he supposed to feel? It sent his typically calm and collected emotions spiraling downwards. Despite being given the title of ‘best looking guy in class 1-A,’ his fear of people secretly being disgusted by his appearance ate away at him. More specifically you.

‘I couldn’t live with myself if you despised me too..’

Rugged red skin served as a grim reminder that his left side looks like his father. Out in the open. Right where people look the most. Perhaps that’s why he will become him. Even Inasa pointed it out, his eyes being the key, so surely- ‘No’, he thought, ‘stop’. He scrambles to find his reasoning for telling Inasa off back then. What was it that he had said..? ‘Damnit..!’

Squeezing his eyes shut, he balled his hands into fists as he tried to calm his erratic heartbeat.

He breathed out a cloud of cold mist, using his quirk to cool down his overheated body.

He reopened his eyes, leaning into your touch and solely focusing on you, desperate to escape the reach of his despair.

But he couldn't help but flinch when your thumb grazed over his scar. Not that it hurt. No, he was just afraid you’d come to your senses and leave him like all the other important people in his life. How could you bare to look and be with damaged goods..?

‘I’m disgusting..’

“I love you..” You whispered.

His eyes widened in shock and disbelief, cheeks now fully flushed.

His heart bursts with sunshine and a happiness he’s never felt before. An entire symphony plays in his head, wiping away the icky grime with its melodic and soothing notes.

“W..what..” He stutters. Perhaps those words were a mistake? ‘Surely, surely she didn’t mean it.?’

His inner thoughts were disproved once again as you repeat yourself, giggling at his cute dazed expression, “I love you, Todoroki Shōto..!”

He smiles a dazzling smile, his lips part slightly, revealing a glimpse of shimmering white teeth.

Just as he’s about to respond, a drawn out “Awh!” was heard behind them. As to who the student was, well, who knows? Certainly not you. It seems you’ve both forgotten that scattered students still walked these prestigious halls.

Todoroki slapped a hand over his face, covering his blush, bashfully grabbing your arm and pulling your frozen body with him.

You gazed out the large windows lining the wall, fiddling with your ( c ) scarf as Todoroki dragged you to who knows where. Beautiful, fluffy snow fell silently outside the slightly frosted windows. Howling winter wind occasionally whipping the delicate snowflakes around. Winter. What a beautiful season it is.

Todoroki pulled you into a secluded corner a little ways away from the cafeteria, promptly stopping and turning your way once again.

He stared silently at the ground, holding your hands in his. Finally, he whispered in a soft voice, “I love you too, (Y/N)..”

A large smile overtakes your, in his opinion, already angelic features. Blood rushes to your cheeks as he bring your hands up to his mouth, placing a feather-light kiss on each hands’ bruised knuckles. Such a gentleman.

He smiles shyly at you, waiting for a response.

Your mind recalls the previous fear in his eyes from before, no doubt due to his insecurities, as you now realize due to the flinch from before.

Looking into his eyes, the fear is still visible.

The fear that perhaps this was all just a dream, or perhaps that this was a cruel and sick joke. Perhaps it was just a game to you, spending all this time with him, getting his bloodied heart in your clutches just to squeeze what little life it has left out of it to bring you satisfaction.

After all, how could he, a man born from a brutal and abusive father, a man he resembles, ever be loved? How could someone with a scar covering ⅓ of their face ever find love?

‘I’m too ugly..’

Even then, after both confessions, he was still worried.

You remove your hands from his, placing them on his neck, promptly dragging him away from his wretched thoughts again. He was like an open book to you.

You pulled the tall teen down towards you, he none-the-wiser as to what you were doing. What an oblivious cutie. Though, his eyes widened, mouth falling slightly agape as you press a kiss to his forehead, his silky hair tickling your face. It was a light, shy kiss. Though these have been exchanged before, it still shook his very being whenever they occurred.

“You’re so handsome..”

You whispered, then traveled down to kiss his button nose,

“So stunning..”

A kiss to his pretty white eyebrow, as strange as that may be,

“Charming.”

One to his right cheek,

“Unbelievably gorgeous.”

To his jawline,

“Adorable.”

You continued these kisses all over his face, purposefully avoiding his left upper face, which he noticed, whispering heartfelt compliments as you continued to pepper kisses all over his face.

But just as he thought you were done, “Close your eyes, Shōto..” You trailed off, staring intensely at his turquoise iris. He obeyed, albeit hesitantly. He sucked in another breath when he felt your slips kiss the part of his forehead of which held the scar. You didn’t stop to compliment him as you once had, instead you pressed a multitude amount of kisses all over his scar. The last on you gave was to his eyelid.

Pulling back, you rested your forehead against his as his eyes flew open to see your staring intensely into his,

“Breathtaking.”

A tear dripped down his ivory cheeks yet again, but this time not of sadness and despair. More of an immense feeling of happiness, one that only you could bring forth. He had never felt this way before. Butterflies galore gathering in his stomach, breaking free and traveling throughout his body, leaving tingles in their wake.

Though he was stuck, unsure of what to do next as he just lovingly gazed into your sparkling eyes.

He gulped when he accidentally looked down at your glistening plump lips. He quickly moved his eyesight back up to your eyes, but he noticed they were staring down at his own lips.

He stood motionless as you pressed your now quivering lips against the corner of his own, and then to the other corner. He found himself subconsciously leaning in and closing his eyes.

Your own breath hitches when his lips met yours, you weren’t expecting him to make that leap first, but he always did have a way of being unknowingly dominant.

This was undoubtedly both of your first kisses. Not just with each other but first in general.

Todorokis cold lips brushed together with yours again, testing the waters. Once he found no resistance he amped it up best he could, shoving his mouth against yours.

Teeth clacked together accidentally, both parties giggling at that. Awkward mouths met once again, this time softer. Todorokis hands fell to rest on your hips, pulling you closer as your hands came to rest on his shoulders. Anxiety withered away and was replaced with adoration for each other.

The sweet yet clumsy kisses soon subsided for loss of breath.

You bit your lip as you both pulled away, looking lovingly into one another's dazed eyes.

It was then that you realized you’d been standing on your tiptoes the entire time.

Todoroki couldn't help the small smirk that formed on his now semi-kiss swollen lips as you sank back down so that your feet were flat. Sometimes he forgot just how short you were compared to him. It was, in this situation, exhilarating.

“Did you get the picture..?!”

Both his and your ears picked up the hushed voices from around the corner, immediately recognizing who they belonged to.

He chuckled when your groaned, shoving your burning face against his chest as to hide it.

“Midoriya, Uraraka, what are you doing?” He asked monotonously, staring off in the direction where he heard the voices.

Two squeaks were heard as they both popped out from their hiding spot.

“U-uhhmm..!” Deku began, but instead of forming a sentence, he looked over to Ochako.

“We we’re trying to find you two so we can all walk to the train station together! What a coincidence that we found two star crossed lovers kissing~” She teased, the blush on her face increase from the embarrassment of being found out and watching such an intimate moment.

He nodded his head, “Please send me the picture.”

“Shōto..!!”

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pug-bitch · 5 years

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That’s not why I’m going (23)

Icy and empty

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, some extremely suggestive. This is absolutely NOT appropriate for people under 18.

Word count: 4,460 (let me know if the ‘keep reading’ cutoff isn’t working well!)

Notes: This starts exactly where we left off, after Amara sees the picture of Ilya, starting with Amara’s POV.

*****

Her hands still shaking, Amara drops the picture into the plate, as if it had burned her fingers. Her first instinct is to look directly at Drake, who’s seated in front of her. He looks equally as shocked as her, and mouths ‘Fuck’ to her as they make eye contact.

Amara’s eyes dart to Olivia, a couple of seats over. Rashad, next to her, is putting a comforting hand on her arm, a compassionate look on his face.

Liv’s eyes are glassy, icy and empty. Upon looking into them, Amara feels a deep chill.

Many whispers go around the room, a few gasps, but no one speaks clearly for a few minutes. After staring into the void, Olivia gets up, turns around and leaves the room, without looking back. Amara proceeds to get up to go after her, but Hana grabs her arm. ‘Wait. Give her some space,’ she whispers in her ear. Amara nods. She’s right. Liv isn’t gonna want to talk right now, she needs to cool down first.

‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ Liam says, after getting up and clearing his throat. ‘It appears that the person who sent the slandering text about Lady Hana has struck again. I would like to suggest that everyone put the pictures away, and respect Lady Olivia’s privacy. This way of proceeding is extremely insulting and unruly. If the person who has put the pictures on the table is here, I officially ask him or her to stop this little game immediately. This is not how this court functions.’

He looks around briefly and takes a seat again. Next to him, Drake pats his back. Amara feels a pang in her heart upon witnessing some of the friendship she will inevitably break. She looks next to her at Hana, who is smiling sadly. She squeezes her hand.

‘Everyone, enjoy your meal. Let’s put this unpleasantness behind us,’ King Constantine exclaims.

As the servants start putting the plates down, Amara gets up and excuses herself to Liam who, a profoundly sad look on his face, nods and offers her a faint smile. She crosses the hall and reaches the balcony, where Olivia is standing, alone, a cigarette in her hand. Amara wonders for a second where Liv found an emergency cigarette so fast, but quickly remembers that her friend is resourceful.

‘Liv?’

She turns around, her face as tense as humanly possible. ‘Yes.’

Amara gets closer to her and places a hand on Olivia’s back, slowly, as if she was scared to be bitten. ‘Are you ok?’

‘What a fucking stupid question,’ Olivia spits.

‘Fair. In my defense, I was just trying to start a conversation.’

‘Well, do better,’ Liv says through gritted teeth.

‘Talk to me, Liv.’

She turns around, facing her, her eyes bloodshot. ‘We all fucking know Madeleine is part of this bullshit. It will become more and more evident as people around her start to fall. But she’s fucking protected. Nothing we can do but fall.’

‘No. Liam is appalled at the methods, and he’ll never choose her.’

Liv rolls her eyes and sighs. ‘Poor child, you know nothing. Liam is not in charge, he’s the instrument of his family.’

‘Look, we can fight this. This is an easy picture to fake, you get any sort of nude and make up a screenshot, it’s easy to disprove.’

‘But it’s not fake. I WAS sexting with Ilya. That’s how pathetic I am, Amara. Liam is not giving me what I want, so I fuck my hot bodyguard to forget. Some Queen I’d be…’

Amara grabs her arm tighter. ‘You stop this shit right now, Nevrakis,’ she whispers, her voice lower by an octave. ‘I don’t want to hear anything about being pathetic. I know you’re sleeping with him, but it’s NO ONE’S business but yours. And you’d be the best queen, we both know it. Let’s deny the whole thing, ok? Let’s say it’s a fake. Defamation.’

Liv thinks for a minute and says ‘No, I don’t want to lie. Then I’d be looking over my shoulder for the whole remainder of the competition, and what if they have other proof? Not worth it.’

Amara nods. She gets it. It must be relieving not to lie. ‘Ok. You do what you think is right, and we’ll be there for you.’

‘Go back to the brunch. You don’t want to piss off anyone. I need to be alone, I’ll decide what to do shortly.’

*****

Amara had socialized during the brunch, not very enthusiastically, but still. She’d talked to Queen Regina mostly, and to Rashad for a while. But her mind was elsewhere. Trying to connect the dots, figuring out who had placed the pictures. It couldn’t have been Madeleine, she had been mingling all before brunch, Amara had not let her out of her sight. Bastien, on the other hand, she hadn’t seen at all today. Coincidence?

She had tried to avoid looking at Drake too much, for fear of being discovered, but she could see in the corner of her eye that he was tense. He kept looking behind him and onto the halls.

Once brunch is over and people are about to leave, Liam gets up, raises his glass and says, ‘Please stay for a while more, as our very own Lady Hana Lee has an announcement to make. Lady Hana, the floor is yours.’

Hana gets up, dignified, and clears her throat. Amara notices that Olivia has come back, and she is now standing in a hidden corner of the room, where most can’t see her. Amara’s heart sinks; and to think that Liv had once called Hana weak. Now she’s risking facing everyone just to see her friend be strong.

‘Thank you for staying and listening,’ Hana says, calmly. ‘I felt it was important for me to address the claims that were made about me recently. A picture of me surfaced, and I must admit that the photo is real. It was taken years ago, during a sweet moment between myself and the woman I loved, Caroline. I am, in fact, gay, and I was in a relationship with a woman. Even though I do not condone the way this piece of information was circulated --no one should be forced to share this news until they are ready--, I am proud to announce that I love women. I apologize to you, Prince Liam, and to you, Your Majesties. I have been wasting everybody’s time by being a part of the competition when I am not interested in marrying a man. But the truth is, until I came here and was confronted to the reality of who I am, I was not ready to own up to the truth, and I was intending to repress who I really am. So, to whomever found and sent this picture, thank you. Although it was an act of violence which I will never forgive, I am also thankful, for the long look in the mirror you made me take. I realize now that there is no reason to be ashamed of myself. That being said, I would like to ask whomever it was to please stop targeting us suitors. My friend Olivia Nevrakis does not deserve what happened to her today, and neither did I. I do not condone the circulation of defamatory pictures, but as it happens, you targeting me made me realize I need to be honest with myself. Thank you for listening.’

A long silence spreads as Hana curtsies and sits back down. Amara wipes a tear away from her eyes and starts applauding, soon followed by everyone else at the table. Liam, visibly moved, stands up in turn.

‘Thank you, Lady Hana, for this moving and heartfelt speech. I just wanted to add that you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You did not waste anyone’s time, as it procured all of us the great delight of meeting you. You are welcome to stay until the end of the competition, and in fact, I encourage it. You will be my personal guest, as my dear friend.’

More applause. Amara fights back tears. She cannot believe how gracious her amazing friend is. She squeezes Hana’s hand and gives her a huge smile, which Hana reciprocates promptly. When Amara turns around, Olivia is already gone.

*****

Drake had stayed to congratulate Hana on her beautiful speech, which had really moved him. He had to remain positive, for all of them. For Max, for Hana, for Liv --poor, poor Liv who had not been able to face anyone after the picture---, and above all, for Amara. So, he stayed with his friends for a while. Even for Liam, who had been nothing but gracious through the whole ordeal. Drake had seen his face when he discovered the picture. He’d seen it fall, drained of its color, as Liam was trying to keep his composure.

So, after the King and Queen left, along with most suitors, who were going on to their free afternoon, Drake stayed behind, with Liam who was having another cup of coffee in the foyer, and Amara, Hana, Maxwell and Bertrand, who had followed suit to debrief with Hana some more.

‘Lady Hana, it was beautiful,’ Bertrand said solemnly, a sad smile on his face. ‘What you said was very moving, and also very poised, you can be proud of yourself.’

Drake noticed that Amara touched Bertrand’s arm and gave him an encouraging smile upon hearing him congratulating Hana. He wondered what this was about, but he was glad that Bertrand was showing some compassion and was letting some feelings go through his tough exterior. If he were to be in Sav’s life, and especially in their kid’s life, Drake wanted Bertrand to be the sweet guy he had never let himself be. He’d have to ask Amara to fill him in later about this little moment.

‘Thank you, Duke Ramsford,’ Hana responds with a wide smile. ‘It took a lot of effort, but here I am. And thank you, Prince Liam, for this opportunity to speak my truth.’

Liam smiles heartily. ‘You’re welcome, Hana. And please, I’ve told you before, call me Liam. Let’s not be bothered with silly tradition now that we’re officially friends, and you’re my guest here.’

Drake was proud of Liam’s reaction to Hana’s news. But he was a little concerned about his reaction to Liv’s. He’d have to check with him about that, once other people leave.

‘Well, Lady Amara, I think you have a one-on-one with the Prince,’ Bertrand says all of a sudden. ‘We should all leave you both to it. Right, Maxwell?’

Max, a hand on Hana’s shoulder, responds, ‘Of course! Hana and I are headed to have a celebratory drink at Ramsford, where she’ll be staying until our next event in a couple of days. Is that alright, Liam?’

‘Of course!’, Liam replies. ‘You guys have until Monday to rest, and then we’ll have our Portavira trip. You should go celebrate.’

‘Yay!’ Max exclaims. ‘Bertrand, come have a drink with us. Amara can get a ride from Drake later. Ok?’

Drake holds his breath. He’s never seen Bertrand say yes to a drink before, especially in the middle of the day. But, much to his surprise, Bertrand nods after a brief hesitation and the three of them are on their way.

‘Wow,’ Drake says as soon as they are gone. ‘What got into Bertrand? I mean...I’m not complaining, but why is he so cool?’

Amara smiles coyly. ‘Oh, maybe he’s finally learning to let go a little.’

Liam forces a laugh. ‘Ha! That would be great news, truly.’

Drake and Amara share a look, and Drake sits on the ottoman near Liam. ‘Hey Li, tell me if I’m overstepping or if I should leave you two to your...date. But I’m just concerned.’

Liam takes a sip of his coffee, which Drake realizes smells a lot like whiskey, and snorts. ‘Our date? I mean, Drake, I’m not gonna force Amara to spend time with me. I was just gonna tell you guys that you can head back to Ramsford.’

Amara takes a seat on the couch opposite them and says, ‘Liam, you’re not forcing me to do anything. Maybe Drake and I could keep you company for a while, before we head back? I feel like it would be nice to...talk about some things, huh?’

Liam’s eyes gleam with excitement, which suddenly makes Drake very sad. ‘Really? I don’t want to impose, I know that you… well, we didn’t exactly set any rules or boundaries, and when Bertrand asked if I could schedule a one-on-one, I didn’t want to say no, but I was afraid you’d be angry with me.’

‘Angry?’ Amara asks, her eyes wide. ‘No, Liam. Honestly, I enjoy spending time with you. I’m sorry if you were ever under the impression that I didn’t. Before we cleared things up, it was uncomfortable for me to--well, you know. We talked about this.’ Liam nods. ‘But now...I’m happy to hang out. Let’s stay here and have coffee, ok?’

Liam’s face lights up a little bit, although a dark cloud remains above his head. Drake decides to bite the bullet and starts talking. ‘Any news from Olivia since...the thing?’

Liam shakes his head and glances at his phone. ‘No. Nothing. I texted her multiple times, she read my messages, but did not reply. Amara, you saw her, right?’

‘Yeah, right after brunch started. She was...it’s hard to describe. Angry, I think. Maybe a little sad, and ashamed. She told me to get back to the brunch, and when I protested, she said she’d contact me when she wants to talk. I noticed she was there during Hana’s speech. But nothing since.’

‘Alright,’ Drake says. ‘Let’s keep contacting her, let her know we’re here for her. She’ll resurface. Liam?’

Liam, distracted, gets out of his daydream as soon as Drake calls his name. ‘Hmm?’ he murmurs.

‘Are you ok?’ Drake asks.

‘Yeah. I guess. I’m just… Guys, I feel like I’m losing control. I want to do something, anything. Father doesn’t want me to confront Madeleine, although we all know it’s gotta be her, right? Leo had warned me about her.’

‘I don’t think there’s much doubt about that, unfortunately,’ Amara chimes in. ‘But I don’t think she could have done it alone. She was with us the whole time between the staff setting the table and the moment when everyone entered the room. It’s not possible.’ Amara’s eyes meet Drake’s, and in one swift head movement, they both decide to remain silent on Bastien’s possible involvement. For now. Amara continues, ‘Your father, with all due respect, has a vested interest in Madeleine staying in the competition, because she’s Queen Regina’s niece. So, I don’t think it would be productive for you to push any more for confronting her. He won’t let you.’

Liam nods, and takes another sip of his...beverage. ‘You’re right, Amara. Let’s all keep our eyes open. I just...ugh.’ He pauses for a long time, and Drake knows what he’s about to say. The look on Liam’s face upon discovering Liv’s screenshots can’t lie. ‘I just can’t believe it. At least Hana’s story has a happy end. She spoke her truth, and it was beautiful. But Liv, I mean...Do you think it’s true?’

‘Does it matter?’ Amara’s response arrived fast, before Drake had time to think of anything to say. Liam looks stunned. She continues. ‘I mean, what if it’s true? What’s the problem?’

Liam’s eyes dart everywhere in the room, carefully avoiding anyone else’s. ‘Well, if she were really sleeping with her bodyguard, it would be quite clear that she’s not interested in this. In...me.’

Amara sighs, and responds, ‘I don’t think you’re looking at this the right way.’

But Drake can’t focus anymore, his eyes are glued to the window. Suddenly, he can’t stop his train of thought. He has to get out now. He excuses himself, and looks at Amara before leaving. She follows his gaze out the window, and her eyes widen as she understands what he’s up to.

*****

Amara can’t stop Drake. She wishes he wouldn’t do anything yet, but she trusts him and his judgment, so she lets him go, hoping he won’t be too long, and won’t let the situation implode. For the moment, she has to focus on managing Liam’s expectations. She owes it to Liv, who has been such a support for her and Drake.

Liam looks at her and cocks his head. ‘What do you mean I’m not looking at it the right way?’

‘You’re focusing on what Liv is doing with her life, right? What you should ask yourself is, why does it bother you so much?’

He seems to hesitate, his eyes in the distance, but soon enough, he’s answering her honestly. ‘You may already know this, because the two of you are close, it seems. But Liv and I have been...intimate, recently, and I didn’t know she was also um...seeing other people. Provided the picture is real, of course’

Amara’s blood boils. ‘You would be offended if she saw other people, when you have a literal flock of women competing for your hand?’

She didn’t intend for her tone to be so harsh. She’s just defending her friend. Liam seems taken aback at first, but ends up laughing softly before answering, ‘Touché, Amara. I see the double standard. Although, if I may, the ‘flock’ you’re speaking of is getting smaller by the day…’ He stops to look into the distance before shaking it off and continuing, ‘Anyways, you’re right. It’s not fair of me to get upset. I suppose I’m just used to Liv being more…’

‘Available?’ Amara hopes she’s not out of place, but there’s no stopping now.

‘Yes,’ Liam agrees. ‘I suppose so. She’s been very available to me our whole lives. Decades, really. So, I have to admit it stings a little, if she also is sleeping with a guy she sees all day every day, and not giving it another thought.’

‘What tells you she’s not giving it another thought, Liam? I don’t want to speak for her, or speak out of turn--’

‘You’re not,’ he interrupts, taking a small flask out of his jacket pocket and pouring it in his mug. ‘Care to make your coffee Irish?’ he asks. Amara nods and hands him her mug. He continues while pouring, ‘I appreciate your honesty, always.’

Amara’s heart skips a beat. If only he knew. ‘Well, I’m just saying, and I’m not saying the picture is real, I don’t know if it is. Um...what I mean is, Liv has been giving this a lot of thought. And she is fully aware that you are used to her being available. One could even say that you may take her for granted at times, don’t you think?’ Liam nods slowly, his face falling. ‘If the situation bothers you, maybe you should do something to change it. A gesture. Something.’

Liam remains silent a while, sipping on his spiked coffee. Finally, he says, ‘You must be a fucking friendship genius if you managed to get this out of Olivia. Seriously, does she tell you all this?’

Amara shrugs, a smug smile on her lips. ‘Call it what you will, but Liv isn’t as closed off as you might think.’

*****

Drake runs out of the room where he left Liam and Amara alone. Should he be worried about them alone, about Liam trying something? No, not since they’ve had the conversation a while ago. Liam might have been holding out hope still, who knew. But at least, he was being decent with her.

He runs outside, towards the back garden, where he saw him walk out through the window. Thankfully, he’s not walking fast, and soon enough, Drake has caught up to him.

‘Hey,’ Drake says, grabbing Bastien’s shoulder to make him turn around.

‘Drake, hi,’ Bastien responds, slightly surprised.

‘We need to talk,’ Drake says curtly.

‘Not here.’

He gestures for Drake to follow him to one of the garages, the one that had the Queen’s Aston Martin in it. Bastien closes the door behind them, and they stand there, in the semi-dark. Drake wishes he were in control of the situation, and he had hoped Bastien would be taken aback by his confrontation, but for some reason, he seemed to half-expect it.

‘What is it?’ Bastien asks, his voice low.

‘I saw you, Bas. Today, headed towards the dining room, with a folder under your arm. You put the pictures there, didn’t you?’

Bastien sighs and puts his head in his hands. ‘You should mind your own business, Drake. Go home.’

His blood boils. How can he be so patronizing when he’s not even denying the accusation? ‘It is my business, Bastien, you’re targeting my friends--’

‘Your friends? I thought you despised nobles? How many times did you threaten to leave court?’

Drake freezes. ‘What? I mean, when Dad died, I was resentful, and I may have been ungrateful sometimes, but despise them? That’s not me.’

Bastien shrugs. ‘Whatever you say. Regardless, you should stay out of this. It’s bigger than you.’

Bastien turns around to open the door and leave, but Drake stops him, a hand on his arm. ‘Who are you working for? Madeleine? I know you threw out the phone that was used to send Hana’s picture.’

Bastien sighs again. ‘Look. You don’t need to know who’s behind this. This doesn’t concern you.’ He pauses. ‘It could have, but I made sure it didn’t. So cut it out.’

Drake’s eyes widen. ‘What do you mean it could have concerned me?’

‘You want me to be straight with you? Alright. Neither you or I can stop this whole thing from happening. If I back out of it, someone else will step in and get dirt on everyone anyways. If it’s not me, it’s someone else. And believe me, you want me to be involved.’

Drake shakes his head. ‘I don’t understand. What do you mean?’

‘I know about you and Lady Amara. I didn’t tell anyone, and I don’t intend to. Another person might not be as kind to both of you if they were in my position. Let me do my job and no one finds out.’

‘Wh--what? How do you--’

‘Stop asking questions. I can’t tell you much. But as long as I’m in the picture, your secret is safe. I owe it to your dad.’

*****

Amara and Liam had been talking together for a while, and Amara surprised herself enjoying his company. Maybe it was because he was drunk, and sad, and honest. Maybe because right now, he’s focused on Olivia. Regardless of reasons, she liked this Liam, and could see herself being his friend.

When Drake comes back into the room, Amara has to fight her urge to turn back and look at him. She tries to still focus on what Liam is telling her, but deep down, she’s just hoping Drake is ok and that he didn’t show Bastien his cards too much. However, as soon as Drake comes to sit by Liam and she sees his face, she knows he’s tense, and that maybe the meeting didn’t go that well.

‘Hey guys,’ Drake says, visibly trying to keep it together. ‘What’s new?’

‘Oh, nothing,’ Liam says, toying with the handle of his mug. ‘Just chatting with Amara. I should go back to my study soon, though, I’ve got work to do.’

‘Ok, I should probably drive Amara back to Ramsford to meet Hana and Max, right?’

Amara nods, and says ‘Yes, thanks Drake, that sounds great. And thanks, Liam, for the conversation. I enjoyed it.’

Liam smiles brightly. ‘Thank you, Amara, for the advice. I’ll think about it, I promise.’

Amara follows Drake to his car, too anxious to ask him what happened. When they hop in, Drake locks the doors and looks everywhere around them, to check that no one is watching. He takes her hand.

‘Bastien knows about us. He’s not telling anyone.’

‘What?’ Amara’s eyes widen, she truly cannot believe what she just heard. ‘How does he know?’

Drake shakes his head. ‘I have no idea. He refused to answer any more of my questions. He is definitely part of the conspiracy, but he said he’s working for someone else. Maybe Madeleine, maybe not, he didn’t say.’

‘Oh my God, Drake, this is terrible…’

Her hands are shaking, as she has a lot of trouble envisioning a good outcome for this. If their secret comes out the same way Hana’s and Liv’s came out, Drake’s friendship with Liam is over forever, and he probably won’t have a place here anymore. She can’t let that happen, and yet, can she prevent it from happening?

Drake takes both of her hands in his and attempts to steady them. ‘Babe, relax,’ he says, his voice calm and reassuring. ‘He assured me he won’t say anything. He’s probably known a while, remember he saw us at the cop bar?’ Amara nods. ‘See?’ Drake continues. ‘It’s been a long time, probably, and he hasn’t told. He said that he doesn’t intend to tell anyone--’

‘So instead of our secret, it’s Hana’s that came out?’ Amara asks, furious.

‘I don’t think that’s how it happened, no. I really don’t think one secret has anything to do with the other, but it looks like whoever is digging for dirt is doing it to everyone. Bastien being there just ensures no one finds out about us, but the rest of it would happen regardless of him.’

Amara nods. ‘I get it, but come on. The guy participated in outing a person against her will. And slutshaming another. What kind of person does that?’

Drake sighs. ‘I know. I honestly blew it, I couldn’t get him to answer any of my questions, and I should have punched him in the face on the spot, I--’

‘Drake, no, that’s not what I meant,’ Amara says, gently stroking his hand with her thumb. ‘It would have made matters worse. You did the right thing by not pissing him off. Let’s hope this calms down.’

Drake sighs. ‘He did tell me that there’s no stopping this. We should probably brace ourselves for some more shitstorms.’

‘Great…’

Drake turns on his engine. ‘Let’s not go to Ramsford today.’

‘What? Where do you want to go?’

‘To my cabin. Do you want to? Just us, Amara…’

She sighs, desperately wanting to say yes. ‘What about the others? Is it the right time to abandon them?’

‘We’re not abandoning them. We’re taking time for us, which we need. Plus, it’s in Portavira, where we’re supposed to go on Monday. We can ask Max, Hana and Liv to come over tomorrow night for a barbecue, and all head to Penelope’s on Monday. Max will bring you your suitcase if you ask him. What do you say?’

Amara looks in the distance, tears of relief flooding her eyes. ‘Let’s go.’

*****

Taglist:

@andy-loves-corgis @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @jovialyouthmusic @mariahschoices @drakesensworld @alesana45 @thequeenofcronuts @notoriouscs @drakewalkerisreal @nikkis1983 @simsvetements @iplaydrake @emceesynonymroll @drakewalkerwhipped @drakxwalker @drakewalkerrosenberg @drakeswalkers @drakelover78 @silviasutton1989 @dcbbw @carabeth @furiousherringoperatortoad @hollygirl1269 @sirbeepsalot

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

#that's not why i'm going #dramara #drake x amara #drake walker x amara suarez #drake walker #drake x mc #drake walker x mc #drake trr #trr drake #drake walker trr #the royal romance fanfic #trr fanfic #choices fanfiction

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tumblunni · 5 years

Text

Ehh i think i finally summed up why all of this steven universe diamonds stuff has been so underwhelming.

YES you can redeem a villain

but you have to

actually

TRY

Yes you can write a story about the world’s most fuckin horrible person being really actually sad at heart

Yes you can write a story about an abusive parent actually being able to change

Yes you can write a story about some wild genocidal alien civilization of asshole space rocks actually only doing it because something something societal pressure DESPITE BEING THE ONES IN CHARGE WHO SET THE DAMN RULES I GUESS

But fucking hell its not gonna be EASY and you shouldn’t treat it that way.

All of this shit was SO fucking quick?? And everything else WASNT!

You spent SO long hyping up these guys you spent SO long convincing us that they WERE evil and that they had entirey different motives for what they were doing and EVEN WITHIN THIS FUCKING EPISODE you spent more time showing us White Diamond being absolutely ridiculously existentially horrifyingly awful and refusing every offer everyone gave her to help and refusing every chance and fucking fucking goddamn violating people’s entire minds and just.. fuck.

After all that you cant just fuckin have steven walk up to blue and yellow and say “hey everything you did was bad” and them go “GEE WE NEVER KNEW!” for some reason this time they’re convinced in a single sentence despite it being the same sentence steven said before in every damn episode and pink said to them years before and every person they abused and enslaved and mutilated and KILLED said while they were DYING

And you can’t fucking have white diamond never redeem herself and never change and never admit she’s wrong and steven SOLVE IT WITH FUCKING FIGHTING WHILE SAYING HE DOESNT WANT TO, WHILE THE ENTIRE SHOW TRIES TO CLAIM THE REASON THEY ARE DOING IT THIS WAY IS BECAUSE OF PACIFISM

because seriously he?? just defeated her?? and this made her?? change???

redeeming a villain shouldn’t be easy. redeeming a villain has to have the villain TRY. white diamond has done nothing to prove she really has a heart, prove that she really did all this for sympathetic reasons, prove that she’s able to change, AND ESPECIALLY NOTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO ANY OF THE PEOPLE SHE’S HURT

she just got defeated and basically admitted she’s wrong cos she has no other choice. and i guess her blushing because steven issued a SICK BURN to her is meant to be enough proof that her entire motivation so far has been because of self confidence issues forcing her to put up a false front aka her entire personality we saw so far. If you wanna tell me she’s entirely different to what we saw so far then please could you please give it more screentime than twelve goddamn seconds.

This is like how yellow and blue just suddenly were accepted as part of the family and steven agreed to go with them to homeworld literally just because they realized he “is really pink diamond”. Like they never fucking repented or actually learned to empathise with humans or ever explained why they dont empathise with humans no nope the only answer we got is that they were sad about their sister/daughter/friend dying even though they were already doing all the same evil stuff before that and its what caused her to leave in the first place. no we’re gonna just completely trust them instantly and not even continue making an effort to convince them? we’re gonna trust them so much we’re gonna trust that white diamond will also change just cos we beat her up? COS SERIOUSLY STEVEN FUCKIN DEFEATED BLUE AND YELLOW IN A FIGHT AND THATS THE END OF THEIR ARC, HOW IS THIS PROVING THE POWER OF PACIFISM!! beating everyone up and then saying the same singular sentence again and somehow now it works!! or saying “my mum was pink diamond” and it doesnt convince them but hey if we say it again with magical proof its true then i guess it works now. wow that sure does argue the power of words i guess

everything EVERYTHING they did was just a fuckin misunderstanding cos they dont UNDERSTAND they were doing bad and thus they dont have to face any form of consequences beyond being mildly embarassed i suppose.

if you wanna make that the ending then you need to work to disprove all the hours you spent implying that.. yknow.. they were doing things because they were evil

and even if theyre sympathetic they still did evil things and they still need to work to prove that theyve changed

and ESPECIALLY if you’re making a show very heavy on subjects like LGBT discrimination it shouldnt be FUCKIN WOW UNEXPECTED that the audience would see this plot as a metaphor for stuff like homophobia and abusive parents and.. yknow.. societal oppression in a law system that forces you to live in the closet in constant fear of being discovered and killed. and all the other apparantly accidental undertones of racism and extermination of indigenous people in stolen land which YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED PEOPLE TO SEE WHEN THE PLOT IS LITERALLY EXTERMINATING PEOPLE TO STEAL THEIR LAND

all of that means you need to do MORE work to prove that that isnt actually what the plot is supposed to be, and more work to redeem villains who are very heavily goddamn triggering to a large part of the vunerable audience YOU SPECIFICALLY MARKETED YOURSELF TOWARDS

this was just so fucking overwhelming and somehow rushed despite being an hour long episode, and i hate it because the show spent so much effort on so much other stuff yet decided to half ass it at the really important part that NEEDED to have thought and time put into it if it was gonna nail the landing

especially after ALL THAT FUCKIN TIME AND EFFORT INTO THINGS THAT ONLY AMPED UP THE VILLAINY AND TENSION OF THESE GUYS AND MADE IT SO MUCH WORSE

like fucking hell how can you be so tone deaf??? this has been in the planning for so damn long and theyve been working on it forever and THIS is what they chose to rush over? this is the priorities they thought were important? even just within this episode if youre struggling to fit it all in then like seriously cut out some of the stuff like the montage of unseen fusion forms that did basiclaly nothing but a few jokes, and the equally as rushed bad lars and sadie romance resolution. Which is another thing that needed a lot of work to fix when the introduction we got to these two was a really unhealthy relationship and a dude who refuses to change despite being given twelve chances but suddenly changes COMPLETELY on the thirteenth one and i guess cos he died that proves he’s all good now. Except he acts all weird and creepy in the very next episode and endangers his new friends by acting all possessive over sadie again and getting angry that she has other friends????

i hate it because ive had to deal with the fandom telling all the people who were rightfully uncomfortable with how these subjects were handled that oh we’re just overreacting and oh wait and see cos they totally have a big plan for the ending or something that’ll make it all make sense. And comparing people being triggered by child abuse and racism to “huhu those dumb su criticals who hate the art style” or whatever...

god, man, its just a deflection of what the issue really is

“oh youre saying NO VILLAINS can EVER be redeemed and NOBODY can EVER talk about dark stuff in shows without being SECRETLY BAD AND SUPPORTING IT IN REAL LIFE?”

no im not saying that im just saying the subjects are fucking depressing to people who’ve suffered from the real life stuff and the villain redemption should be GOOD and should THINK ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE if it wants to make up for it

like fucking hell look at how much zuko from avatar went through before his redemption. look at how long he struggled with his morality and how long it took him to realise he was wrong. look at how much detail they showed us on all the people who negatively influenced him into making the bad choices he did. look at how much he went through to make up for what he did and apologise to everyone he hurt. look at how everyone he hurt didnt believe him at first and it took a while for everything to work out. look at how sometimes he messed up and took steps backward before getting to where he needed to be. and look at how he actually changed as a person and continued learning and growing and trying to be a good person even far into the future after the story ended.

hell, fuckin look at PERIDOT! peridot had a full goddamn zuko arc! peridot had more screentime than all of the diamonds combined, and it was way better utilized! she had a full process from being introduced as a scary villain BECAUSE OF MISUNDERSTANDING WHO SHE REALLY WAS, then being revealed as having a fully rounded personality, flaws and redeemable traits while still being a villain. and moments of her proving that she did indeed only become a villain because she didnt understand what she was doing was wrong, and a personality that matched with that reveal rather than having NO INDICATION she was like that until it suddenly happened only after she was defeated. and her redemption came slowly through friendship with steven and it had moments of the other characters not instantly trusting her and also of her making mistakes and struggling with believing steven’s philosophy when it went against everything she knew about life. and speaking of which it was established that she had a very different life which had negative influences pushing these ideas upon her, and tough stuff that made her scared and pressured. Not just being in a high position of ruling over a planet in the lap of luxury and ONLY AFTER BEING DEFEATED do we learn that they feel pressured by the societal expectation to be perfect and they actually would have agreed all along with dismantling the system but they were just too afraid to be honest. Or whatever the fuck that rushed ending was trying to go for! And man even after peridot joins the team she’s NOT redeemed yet, she’s initially only halfway doubting herself and only teaming up with steven because they’re both afraid of the cluster. And she messes up and says horrible shit to her new friends and feels the consequences of her actions and chooses to change. And her ultimate choice to switch sides is REALLY hard, she gets so close to going back to the diamonds and its a great personal sacrifice on her part when she chooses to give it all up and make an enemy of the person she was so scared of!

and GAHHH that good redemption is one in a million episodes that really set up the diamonds Being Bad and should have been a goddamn tally in the “effort required in the fuckin ending” chart!

could we not have even just had one ten minute episode of blue and yellow going around earth and experiencing human life and realizing there’s things worth protecting? or a few damn scenes foreshadowing white being actually insecure and lying to protect herself, rather than GENUINELY ABUSIVE BECAUSE SHE’S BAD?

and seriously even if you hurt people because you hate yourself YOU STILL HURT THEM

a sympathetic backstory should be a reason why they COULD be redeemed, not proof that they already are redeemed just because the backstory was stated in words and nothing else has fuckin changed.

imagine if zuko just lost one fight to aang and said “yes but my dad abused me” and aang was like “oh no now lets team up with zuko to beat up his dad” and none of the bad things zuko did were ever mentioned again and also he keeps his season 1 personality throughout the entire series

imagine if peridot fuckin.. just changed sides cos she’s funny and we like her. people wantedher to change sides as soon as she acted funny and likeable but they still made the effort to actually prove she had changed! the diamonds didnt act remotely harmless or remotely good until they just suddenly are in the very last episode.

hoo

fucking

ray

also why are we constantly just ignoring all these dark things about homeworld? like the episode with holly blue agate and the famethyst slave caste and all the creepy ways the entire place operated. i totally thought thatd.. yknow.. EVER BE REFERENCED AGAIN?? its never even mentioned that anyone even WANTS to go back and save them?? and the human zoo were outright stated to be like.. unsaveable. “oh theyve never known real human life and theyre happy in their slavery so itd be cruel to take them away from it” One off episode, forgotten about. And the creepy as fuck scenes of gems being BUILT INTO THE WALLS AND DOORS AS SECURITY SYSTEMS and the confirmation that more lapis situations are constantly going on yet somehow that singing hairbrush person doesnt get all the sympathy that she did. And steven going daww at the pebbles instead of being horrified that theyre born to work as servants and forced to live in the walls because the noblewomen dont want to look at them? and he asks them to make him a new outfit?? and theres no plot anything involving them except them puttering around in the background outfitting?? like was none of this meant to be seen as PROOF THAT THE DIAMONDS WERE EVIL and PEOPLE WHO NEEDED TO BE SAVED????

goddddd

please say they were rushed or something please say this is all the faultof being given less time than they expected please say there were other plans for other episodes we didnt see that would have given at least slightly more substance to any of this

also why wasnt this even advertised as the last episode if its the last fuckin episode

hhhh well at least obsidian was a great character design and so were the other fusions and new outfits even if they only appeared for twelve seconds. and white’s whole scary evil mind invasion stuff was really good even if it actually hurt the episode by being good, kinda

man im not even mad or anything i just feel mehh and bored and like im actually glad its over. i never wanted to feel that way about a show that used to be so good. i kinda wish the earliest episodes werent so good if the answers to all those well set up mysteries were gonna have so much less effort than the setup itself

...man i should make a whole post about all the mistaken ways i THOUGHT the show was gonna go that actually would have been way more interesting than the real answer.

i’m just super glad that my last theory was wrong cos wow that would have been the only thing worse than this ending! when white pearl first appeared before we’d actually seen white diamond, and it had all this thing that white diamond hadnt been seen in ages.. well i was worried it was setting up some sort of reverse twist where actually white pearl is bodysnatching white diamond instead of vice versa. So the whole evil empire would actually be run by a member of the slave class that its oppressing, and the diamonds/representative of the upper class would actually be poor victims all along. dear god i am so glad i got that wrong! tho im weirded out by how evil white/pink pearl looked in that first hint that she was originally pink pearl??

anyway basicallly im just so fuckin tired

#su spoilers #su critical #more like su dissappointed from someone who started off so damn su positive #su bored su rushed su i just wanted you to care as much about making this redemption good as you cared about other things #it really felt like in general the crewniverse just lost interest in the story around the third hiatus or so #whyyyy did they take so long to reveal anything if all the reveals were gonna be so fast and so bad #you gotta learn that if you hype up a thing you actually have to deliver #like fuckin hell it took a whole season to even introduce a single other gem at all #and so long to introduce homeworld and so long to introduce the diamonds and then whoops blink and its over i guess #also why was jasper hyped up so much and then shitcanned for practically a decade #and her only narrative purpose in the end was just a brief hint at the pink diamond arc

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mini-min-yoongi · 6 years

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May AO3 Yoonmin readings:

Hi~

It’s September, but these are the fics I read in May... I’m hoping I can catch up soon.

1) You Are My Sunshine (*)

Jimin has had a crush on Yoongi ever since he became a hunter, but Yoongi wants nothing to do with him. When a hunting mission goes wrong and Yoongi is turned into a baby by an angry witch, Jimin volunteers to take care of him. As days pass in the care of Jimin, Yoongi, still fully aware in his baby body, realizes how kind and beautiful he is and begins to fall for Jimin. But time is running out for the other guys to break the curse, and if they fail, Yoongi will be stuck as a baby forever.

SO CUTE AND ADORABLE AND AMAZING. I loved it so much. Jimin is such a sweetheart and I really liked how he protects Yoongi from the rest making fun of him and making him feel uncomfortable. And Yoongi not being able to control his emotions because he’s a baby. Everything was so good.

2) Opened My Door For Death (and asked him to stay) (*)

In which Yoongi is the Grim Reaper who has just been fired from his job after calling his boss a “moody piece of shit,” and Jimin is a college student who happens to find him unconscious after the Cerberus chased him out of Hell.

This concept was so cool and I really liked how it was written. I wish it was longer because it was very interesting and I would enjoy reading more of this universe but that’s also the charm of this story. It’s good to the point that you want more and that’s very difficult to achieve so all the kudos to the author.

3) Deliver My Heart on a Silver Platter (contains smut)

(Yoongi/Jimin, Jungkook/Taehyung, Namjoon/Seokjin)

Jimin had thought that being a delivery boy should be the easiest job in the world. Deliver the packages, the customers to sign fir it then leave on your merry way. However, there was nothing in the employee handbook that told Jimin how to handle delivery for a mob boss, and even worse when said mob boss shamelessly flirts with him.

4) Cheating Prank (GONE WRONG) *not clickbait* (*)

“Hello everyone! Today I’m doing something a little different for my channel...Someone gave me the idea to prank my boyfriend, Yoongi, on my Boyfriend Tag video a long time ago."

AKA the one where Jimin is a youtuber and Yoongi is a producer and they prank each other.

Yes! I loved it! Jimin trying to prank Yoongi and then the ending was just so emotional and good.

5) Love Is Not Over Series (Yoongi/Jimin/Jungkook - YoonMinKook) (*)

Yoongi, Jungkook, and Jimin finding happiness within sadness.

I loved this series so much. It was so well-written and the way in which their relationship was developed little by little was just amazing. In my opinion, it’s quite difficult establishing a polyamory relationship from nothing both in a healthy and realistic way, but the author did just that. The three of them have gone through so much on their own and together and they deserved to be happy. It had very angsty moments which I loooove but also very sweet ones. It was just SO GOOD. I will definitely read it again in the future.

5.1. The Kids Aren’t Alright

Yoongi could pinpoint the exact moment it had begun. When their worlds started to crumble together and his friends lost sense of reality. But he knew they were tougher than that. He just had to accept his feelings for a particular bright-eyed, bunny-nosed teenager and maybe they'd be alright. It was a start at least.

5.2. Let Me Know

Talking about it, of course, became harder as the days passed by. Yoongi could never find the right time to bring it up. He was still wondering if he was just imaging things. If he was just thinking he was feeling the things he was feeling. But that was quickly disproved every single time Jimin curled up around him and Jungkook kissed him. He was a fucking idiot in love with two bigger idiots and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. Except probably ruin it by talking about it. Hell, maybe it was better to just never mention it and pretend it wasn't happening.

5.3. In The Mood For Love (contains smut)

They didn't need spoken words. They rarely did. Yoongi's lips left enough words spread out in Jungkook's skin and the soft appreciative noises the younger made were the only answers Yoongi would ever need.

5.4. Dark & Wild (contains smut)

It wasn't that Yoongi forgot about Jimin's problems; it just seemed that sometimes, they were overshadowed by a certain bunny nosed teen who had the misfortune of getting struck by a car. But that didn't mean Yoongi failed to notice the way Jimin glanced at himself in the mirror or how deeply his father's words still echoed in his head.

5.5. The Most Beautiful Moment In Life (contains smut)

Finding happiness in a world full of sadness was never going to be easy for them. But that didn't mean they were willing to give up trying. As long as they had one another, they had a fighting chance at finding the happiness childhood stories had promised them.

5.6. We Are Bulletproof

Collection of Drabbles based around my sugakookiemin I Need U universe. Following, including, and within the Love Is Not Over/Hold Me Tight series'.

5.7. Forever, We Are Young

Looking back on it, Yoongi couldn't believe he'd made it as far as he did. Back when he was cold and alone, on his dirty couch staring blankly at a TV with the will to live slipping through his fingers, he never thought he'd achieve everything he ever wanted. Back then, he never thought they would be alright.

6) of coffee and cinnamon

"Yoongi might have a tiny crush on Jimin.

But really, who would blame him?"

Yoongi and Jimin are neighbors. Yoongi is whipped.

7) The Ones Leading Up To The One (*)

"I take pictures based on emotion. And trust me, I was feeling a whole lot of emotion seeing you do all those things." "Feeling what emotion?" "Mainly, secondhand embarrassment."

8) maps to you (not ym - Jungkook/Taehyung) (*)

There is a dick on his face. There is a big, bold dick drawn onto his face in black permanent marker, and though Jeongguk scrubs and scrubs and scrubs until his forehead is red, he only succeeds in smudging it around.

He pumps a fistful of soap onto the towel and renews his efforts with twice the vigor. He has hagwon later today, and he’d rather step on Legos than go there like this. Maybe, he thinks, pausing for a second to examine the state of the dick, his parents will allow him to skip just this once. Does this count as a medical emergency? Jeongguk isn’t sure, but his hands are shaky and the towel is shaky and he’s growing more panicked by the second because it won’t come off.

He’s going to die. He’s going to die of public humiliation in front of everyone, and then he’s going to come back to life and kill his soulmate, because who the fuck draws a dick on their forehead knowing full well that it’ll show up on someone else, too?

Loved it. I don’t read many Taekook fics where they are the main pairing (just because I’m focusing on Yoonmin), but I really liked this one. It was funny and angsty, which is a great combination.

9) Just One Day (If only we could be together) (not ym - Yoongi/Jihoon)

All Jihoon wanted was one night he could spend with the man he loved without the weight of the world trying to crush him beneath its feet. Was that too much to ask for a rising idol? Probably.

This is the first time I’ve ever read a fic where one of the BTS members is in a relationship with someone outside of their own group. I always thought that Woozi and Yoongi would be very cute together because of their similarities so I thought that I would give this one a try and I liked it. It had very cute moments and I enjoyed their dynamic.

(*) My favourite fics

#mr #ao3 #yoonmin #yoonmin fic rec #bts smut #taekook #namjin #yoonhoon

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dancal13 · 5 years

Text

Day 2 – So Much Music, So Much Wine

Quick Disclaimer: Suzy and I both love live music, which is awesome as music has always meant a lot to me. And now Jack, Bailey and Megan are all into music - so I am still learning about and loving new music, while keeping up with past favorites. But I have grown to hate large crowds (might even be a phobia for the small-minded person - meaning me). So, we pay attention to all the small venues in Seattle and see a lot of up and coming bands as well as lot of bands that are past their prime. Pretty cool on the whole, but what we miss out on is the big tours, the bands in the their prime, for example U2’s most recent stadium tour. Not a chance that I would go to that even though I love U2. But Susan is clever and not one to give up on something she wants to do. As I mentioned in the Prologue a couple of years ago our friends the Wilbur’s mentioned BottleRock and Susan had her in. Combining and weaving my love for music with my addiction and love for red wine into her sales pitch. The opportunity to see the Red Hot Chile Peppers (never seen by me) and hang in Napa Valley. I was low hanging fruit. (Sorry not such quick disclaimer after all)

And here we are…

We woke up Sunday morning to a chill and the threat of rain and thunder (could be song lyrics). Much different than our previous visits, where our fears mostly included sunburn and 100-degree weather. No rain gear, no worries – Susan doesn’t believe in General Admission, that is so bourgeois. We are VIP Baby and VIP gets you shelter, nice bathrooms, shorter food and drink lines and an obvious sense of superiority. This of course could easily be disproved, but it’s our story, so stick it. Our friends the Robbs (Jill and John) flew in early that morning and met us for breakfast prior to rocking out. As true festival goers our breakfast included eggs benedict, smoked salmon-arugula-egg flatbread, Belgium waffles with fresh a bananas and a ham-gruyere omelet, obviously the breakfast of music rebels everywhere.

From there we dropped off the muscle car, its head banging purpose complete and left for the festival. As we arrived the clouds opened, and we again questioned our attire. We watched in utter horror as umbrellas were collected at the gate and tossed into waiting garbage cans - NOT ALLOWED. But we were quickly reminded who we were.

We were VIP and loving every minute of it. First Stop, I know hard to guess, the bar and wait, you guessed it a covered area looking over the main stage. We would never be anything but damp again as each big stage had a covered area waiting for us.

We had been here before, the covered area previously acted as shade, apparently it can serve two purposes. With wine and cocktails in hand we quickly worked our strategy. In the two years since we had last attended there were some improvements to VIP. The first being that they had set aside a huge portion of the field in front of the stage for those of us who wanted to see the performers up close. More on that later.

We headed back to the food and drink areas set aside for our elite status, which included some pretty awesome restaurants and drink options and an acoustic lounge, that featured performers who were finished with their sets or still yet to perform. These quick and intimate performances lasted about 4 to 6 songs, with a much smaller crowd, maybe a 150 people at its largest. Pretty cool. Just a quick note: though we didn’t take advantage of this (or get taken advantage of by this) there was a booth selling very high-end CUPS of wines. I wish I would have taken a picture of the menu for posterity. You could get a small “plastic cup” of Joseph Phelps Insignia for a mere $72. It is here where we were quickly reminded that though we were VIP Special, we were way, way less special than the VIP Platinum attendees.

After some food and drink and an acoustic set or two, we ventured out to the main stage to see Skylar Grey. My only knowledge of her was when we received the first set of promotional materials and I was scrolling through the various artists; I was stopped by the picture of her legs. See the accompanying picture 😊. Apparently, she is a singer songwriter known more for songs that she has written for more famous artists, she is also currently a local of Napa and a big fan of wine, maybe we will hangout some time. The first song performed was a song she wrote for Puff Daddy, P Diddy or whatever his current name is. She had a fantastic voice, tons of tats, and yes great legs.

We stayed for 4 or 5 songs, grabbed some fun pictures, and text-taunted our friends the Wilbur’s who went for multiple days and did GA, while hosting one of their daughter, a nephew and other young friends (as mentioned, VIP access got us pretty close to the stage)

Next stop the Firefox stage to see Gang of Youths. If you have been to a music festival, typically you will come across a band you do not know, know only one song, or maybe know a few and their performance far exceeds your expectations - You are now a fan! In the past I have had that reaction to Coleman Hell, New Politics, Odesza – this year it was Gang of Youths, sorry for the bad pic, I have video, but not quite sure how to embed. They were rockers from Australia, and the lead singer and guitarist looked like Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, so Suzy enjoyed them as well. Hmmmm… GoY vs GoT coincidence? I think not.

I was also able to capture this image during GoY, of the GA crowd behind me and my cup of cabernet. I almost felt sad for their existence. Then I took another sip of cabernet, enjoyed the music and all was forgotten.

We headed to the third of four stages to see the Teskey Bros, a blues band that Susan had become a fan of, but finally bumped into our friends Brian and Anne, pictured below drinking Frozés (yup rosé slushies)

and then stopped nearby for a quick visit to the Silent Disco. A huge dance floor where everyone is provided a set of headphones that are channeling 2 or 3 different DJs. Pretty funny to watch a bunch of people dancing together but to different music. On a channel that I wasn’t on, Don’t Stop Believing, by Journey was playing. Half of the audience/dancers were singing along and singing so loud that I couldn’t hear my headphones, it was time to go.

The Teskey brothers were good and we stayed for most of their set. We then made our way back to the main stage, the acoustic lounge and the food and beverage area in time for the evening set. This is where my funny wife stepped up. After getting an unsatisfactory pour of bubbles while I was receiving an abundant one, she decided to watch me during my next order. Again, I received above the line pours for both our drinks. Susan screamed; you are flirting with the guy working the bar. And then again yelled that I was flirting with the girl during our next stop. Obviously these days I don’t believe in gender labeling (thanks Megan for you guidance), so I just went about my business of flirting, I know right – I AM SO WOKE. The entertainment ensued from there as Suzy started making friends with people who had arrived early enough for seats, or spaces at the rails or just looked fun. After hanging a while with Suz, they would then offer their spaces to her as they left – by the end of the day we each had a role… Flirty WOKE Guy and Friendly “Who’s Your Buddy” Girl a match made in rock and roll festival heaven

Evening set: First up was Michael Franti and Spearhead. Seems like he performs every year at Bottlerock, and I’m not sure anyone has a better time doing so. We were near the stage, but when Michael Franti performs, that means you only get to see him up close for half the time. He is a bare foot performer who likes to wander out and sing in the crowd, and he does it well. This was the first performance we stayed at for the entire set.

It was nearly 8:30 now and our backs and legs were nearly spent, but the headliner “Mumford and Sons” took the stage. I’m a big fan of their music but was still surprised and awed by their performance. It was a bit harder than I expected, and they performed with so much energy it was great. I will find a way to see them again, probably multiple times.

It was a long day, and I was sore for a few days after standing and dancing for nearly ten hours. I’m am not interested in attending other festivals like Coachella, likely because they are not in Wine Country. I know snobbery right?

One insight I would like to share. If you are attending something like this and using a bankcard for drinks, check ahead of time with your bank, as we found out the hard way, that it looks suspicious if you make a bunch of small purchases in a day (food and drinks), in another state. The bank can and will freeze your card until the next day, or until you call them. The good news or easy solution is to carry cash or a second card. Learn from our mistakes.

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heartbreak-tm · 3 years

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Best of Wives, Best of Women || Clarissa || Re: Mimori, Ryuu, Jojo

The worst part about cajoling Clarissa, or trying to make emotional appeals to her, is that it doesn’t work. She stares as unfeelingly as if someone was droning on about the weather. Mimori, however, is about as close as she gets to feeling something. Disgust. Pity isn’t an emotion she inherently hates; people pitying her gets her all sorts of nice things, some days. But when she’s ripped the mask off, she doesn’t want it anymore. Not even from one of the few people here she actually likes.

It’d be like the mouse stopping to look up at the cat and ask about her day. The fish to the shark. The survivor to the mastermind. It sends fury through her veins, and she only stops it by looking at Mimori’s hands, taking a breath and closing her eyes to remember the last time they were in a room together.

Swing.

Okay. She’s calm now. Her eyes open again.

“If he were here....well, I don’t think he’d agree with me, but I’m sure he’d get it. People are users, naturally, Mimori. There’s always something they want. Love is just another step to that. And Shinji still would rather sacrifice themself. For what? For the people they love? How does that not just seem like abandonment?”

She leans forward, hand on her knee to smile on her.

“What happened to me is not that rare. What happened to my mother is not that rare. The reverse is just as true, you know? You can love someone so much, and that selflessness will only get used against you.”

Clarissa smiles.

“I’m never lonely. I have friends. I have my brother. It’s a very particular kind of love I’m here to disprove.”

Clarissa has to do the same for Ryuu, when he speaks, only this time it’s not much of a memory. She pictures being back on the floor with his broken arm, but it’s just them. And she’s going just a little further. Ah, well. Making him angry back is just as easy – the fact that she won’t shut up is its own annoyance.

“Yeah. But I’m sure you know someone who’s not-so-living proof that it does. I’m something of an enthusiast for fun little murders. I like to theorize. I don’t usually go international, but some cases are just too interesting. And I’m not trying to say ‘ooooh the boyfriend did it’, but his boyfriend sure couldn’t fucking save him, could he?”

Perhaps it’s cruel. She’s a sister. She can only imagine the kind of hell she’d bring on somebody who talked about Adrien like that. Ah, well, he doesn’t have to answer her. She’s sure he won’t, because that’d just be a nice thing for her, and he won’t give her what she wants.

“You reconnected back in here. You think you’ve changed? You think once you get out into the real world all the problems that ruined you the first time won’t ruin you again?”

She looks at Guy, sniffs dismissively.

“I can’t think of anything more pathetic than crawling back to an ex. But sure, Ryuu, you’re welcome! It’s the ring that got damaged anyway, before you even met me. People say all the time ‘I’m better, I’ve changed, I won’t hurt you again, it was a mistake,’ like any of that means something. Like it’s true. And the people who fall for shit like that are even worse.”

She waits for the cackle to die down, blinks, and then makes a move to cover where Chuu's ears would be.

“Dude, there is so much demon clam in Hell.”

Clarissa sighs at Jojo, moving her hand back to her hip.

“I was loved. I was loved completely and totally. I have nothing to show for it but money and blood.”

She stares at him.

“No, I do know they died because of me. I had my motives and, frankly, I think I’m right. I was right from the very start – as soon as Lila blackmailed Hiro into it, I was right. I wanted to see pain, Johannes. I wanted to see death. That some of the people who died were people I liked? My friends? That means so very little.”

His question is the first thing that truly truly gets her, more than anything else. Not shock. Just sadness. Only for a moment, before that sadness is removed and replaced with anger.

“Fuck it. You all want my big sad villain motive? No, Johannes, I was raised by the most beautiful and lovely woman in the world. That was her in locket everyone found. My mother adored me. Adored my brother. Adored her family. Adored her husband. She was kindness and love personified. She forgave my father for so much, because she loved him.”

She smiles, bitterly.

“I always thought, surely, he loves me and my brother. Surely. I had memories of him holding me. Of him being a good dad to us both, when he wasn't working. When I was 18...my mom found out he was cheating. All the good she gave him. All she did for him. He wouldn’t have even been running Pulaski Industries if she hadn’t stepped aside for the man she loved. He took and he took and he took and then when she found out, when she found out he was cheating, when he was completely in the wrong...”

She laughs, full on laughs, at how fucking stupid this whole situation was.

“I was at practice. I was running late, and I called home. My dad told me to hurry back, but mom said it was okay. I told them to eat without me. When I got home...they were loading him into a cop car. They were wheeling my brother into an ambulance. They were....hehe. They were zipping my mom into a body bag.”

She smiled, so happy at the memory she was about to reveal to them.

“Five years. I waited. I bided my time. You saw that news article, right? That was me. Long-lasting poison, even made a show that afternoon of wiping a bit of soup off that thermos and licking my finger in front of the guard. Ate in front of them and my dad. Just had to make sure to take an antidote when I got clear of that place. And then I got clear out the country, a week later. And maybe they will figure out it was me, but I’ll be dead before they can connect the dots.”

#Ch 6 #Trial #Clarissa #submission

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fireflyof-hope · 4 years

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Loving the Dangerously Broken (March 2020)

DEAR MARK- I really hope the best for you, and in your life. I hope you dont end up in prison, at eastern, or dead. I hope you can get the help you need, to rewire the parts of you that are so jagged and broken, that as a survival coping mechanism to deal with such pain, your soul openly hugged insanity for any escape from your turmoil. It's not your fault, that all you know now is survival and pain. Not your fault, that you lack the ability to trust anyone, including people willing to get hurt for you, or with you if it meant lessening the weight of your pain even a tiny bit. We are products of our environments. You are living proof of how cruel this world is, and what can become of us who lose everything to live for. You are living proof that some people can live through immense pain, without having no purpose to reason to continue. You are living proof that sometimes survival wins, and even without anything to live for, you havent taken your own life. I hope one day your heart, mind, soul, spirit can find true peace. I hope humbleness and peace overcome your paranoia when you put your heart into being the best you that you can be, when you open your eyes enough to realize, that you can only save yourself, and have the power to create the outcome of your life. I dont want to see you, nor do I care for much for having contact, but the impact you had on my life, I'll never forget. You've managed to become the inner voice that lives inside me, that makes me question my own choices, and if they are logically safe for me. Your voice of reason and protection echos inside me now. I'll always love you, but love wasn't enough for us. Our damages were just far to great, neither of us being healed enough to not have anything but toxic intimate relationships. It greatly saddens me, that this whole time we've known each other, you always thought that I was trying to get you in trouble be it with cops, friends, family, exs or whoever. You always thought I was faking tears, or intentionally acting like a victim, as an attempt to make you look like a POS. Fact is, I couldnt fake tears if my life was dependeing on it. I wish now, that I never cried and allowed myself to be so broken and vulnerable around you, because you could only ever get it twisted and think badly of me when I let myself feel pain around you. You always thought more was going on than what you could see or hear, than what was even possible at times. I will forever be haunted by your suspicious comments towards me, like "What's really going on Joelle?". I felt so bad, helpless, and sometimes horrible that I didnt understand you being suspicious of me, even felt worse that I had nothing to say to you in respond, because there honestly was nothing shady or sneaky ever going on at my house, despite what you convienced yourself of and what you were set on determined to beileve. Any efforts to show you nothing was ever going on, failed because your ego was to prideful to let itself be faced with anything that gave you any room to have to question your sanity. You always over analyzed everything, and determined that you were being set up somehow, someway, by someone or something. You always thought various people were hiding from you, everywhere you went, now just my place. You somehow put it together in your head, that you'd be worth the effort, time, and the actual self neglect by not eating or using bathroom it would require from any person who had any willingness, or time to waste of thier own life, to even hide from you, while remain in the same building. I dont know a single person, who would be so absurd to take the time from their own life, their own comforts in order to stalk, or hide from you. Honestly, and logically, I believe that even your enemies wouldnt go out of thier way to waste time out of their life on such extreme levels to hide in your mom's basement, Lorenda's basement, or in a nasty attic where someone had killed themselve all for the sake of hiding from a crazy paranoid guy who constantly yelled at bickered at any noise around. Not even for shits a d giggles would a person want to hide from you. Sure you might have fucked up in life, done people dirty, or seriously hurt people, but even at that, no one would ever make personal vengeance against you what they live for. Despite what you think, I will confidently, lovingly and bluntly tell you as a matter of fact, that it is no ones life mission to destroy you or fuck with you. Wish you could see it, that you really arent that special of a person. Your paranoid thinking about people being sneaky and hiding from you was just so absurd, and even impossible when you actually try to use reason with how you thought these things. People all have thier own lifes to worry about, and I promises no one wants to take any time away from the real important things in their life all for the sake of keeping a paranoid tweaker on edge. It's not funny, not amusing to watch you distrust everyone and everything around you, even the people who have opened thier heart, and home to you. It's not a joke. You are not a joke when you get this way. It's actually very hurtful, pitiful, sad, and frustrating when you refuse to combat your paranoia with logical reason. Your so smart, I know you can combat your paranoia with your own logic and reason, if you would only try. For your own sake, I dont get why you havent even tried, other than maybe its your prideful ego, maybe the importance of being right on your first impuslive thought of what you assume is going on, just sadly means far to much to you, or maybe Kevin is right, and the even sadder possibly for why you dont try using logic or reason when you think someone is hiding from you, is that your paranoia isnt even real, that its all just a fat act you put on, because you want or like special attention from people having to question you, even if they begin to fear and hurt for your sanity. I just couldnt ever understand how nearly ever single time you let your paranoid thinking overpower your intelligence. Seriously how you be so paranoid that your intelligence vanishes in those moments, so unless either the paranoia was really a fake act, or you faked being intelligent, to hide and cover up how much of an idiot you are. I've tried hard to understand your paranoia, to understand all of you and what makes you tick as you do, I wanted so badly to help you. I have no answers, I have only theories that scare me about you faking paranoia and/or insanity, or you lying about your own intelligence. I've realized that there is just impossible for the genius that you have claimed to be, to not be able to rationalize and reason with your own paraniod behaviors and/or thoughts. Do you listen to much to your fearful and wild imagination when paranoia causes panic to settle in? Did you just imagine people sneaking around hiding from you and plotting against you? When and why do you let your imagination cross over into externally reality? Is there a trigger? Do your memories, or inner pain associated with the person who you think is hiding from you trigger painful flashbacks with the person that your mind chooses to beileve is hiding from you? At what moment within your frantic racing thoughts, do you stop being able to separate and reason what your truama and imagination have you thinking is happening, vs what is our shared external reality, aka what is really happening, where you can prove or disprove your paranoia if you allowed yourself. You always hold back, on fact checking yourself in reality. It's not hard to disprove your paranoid thoughts, if you would only try more. That's part of the issue, everytime you've been on a wild goose chase in my house, your paranoia was always 100% been wrong and disproven. I think sometimes that being right is most important to you, maybe you'd rather not even clarify for your own peace of mind, because you don't want to risk the proof or embarrassment that your mind is anything but perfect. Maybe your pride is just delicate, and you'd rather not know, than to know for sure, and admit to yourself that it's your overactive mind having an episode that's now took control of you of your reasoning skills, making you seem like a arrogant lunatic, jackass and a fool to yourself and anyone around. I'm still learning to not take it so harshly, and so personally hurtful that it can be so easy for you to beileve that the very same person who opened thier home to you, risked all they have by even associating with knowing you, who forgives you constantly, who writes to you if you go to jail, who isnt even bothered by the fact you might not be sane or even safe, and even considers you to be one with them, as if you are part of the house family, the person who got nothing but endless ride or die love for you and only seeks to nurture and sooth your paranoia in hopes it can vanish, the person that you feel safe enough to fall asleep with, the person who would stay the night in Newport in their car for you and fight the systems bullshit by your side, the same person who discards people who try to force them to cut you off, the same person who ignores the darker parts of you, the same person that wants to count on you so badly, the same person who bite off the head of any person to dare speak of you like your a monster, the same person who tries so hard with nothing but love and healing intentions to get through to your thick skull, the same person who your existence in thier life allowed your impact to be so great, the same person who broke and ditched the heart of their mexican high school sweetheart all for you, the same person who is a bit damaged and broken by life just like you, the same person who unsuccessfully tries very hard to give up on you but just can't, the same person who has a worn out heart because all the effort and energy they put into ressuraning and loving you even when it was only ever a losing battle, the same person who's effort and loyalty towards you remained unshakable, the same person who wants to hate themselve for how much they love you, the same person who recklessly gave a felon/criminal their priceless heart to only to end up feeling unappreciated and depleted entirelly, the same person who fears and hurts when your suffering, the person who wants the best for you in life whether it's with or without them in it, the same person who wants you to realize such things about yourself so you can decide how and who you want to be and gain control of your mind back, the very same person that you seemed to push away of the love of, and punish with painfully doubting everything they stood for in loving you, the same person who cherished the time they had with you in the moments that matter rather than paying any mind to your outrageous wild goose chases, the same person who would use their own body as a shield over your body when fear of being shot dead paralyzed you, the same person who continues to die and bleed out while determined to climb over your thick painful spikey wall, the same person that loves you so much that they found enough value in themselve to not have meaningless sex, the same person who has undying painful hope in you when you havent even given them a reason to continue hope, the same person who only ever wanted you to feel and accept such crazy love they have for you, the same person who gets to feel more pain than love come from you but choses to love you regardless, because they are selfsacrficing, and dont love you for their benefit, but chose to love you, for yours, the same person for forgave you at your very worse towards them, the same person who deserves so much better treatment and yet wants no one else, the same open who has nothing to hide, is a complete open book, and operates on being a healer, the same person who actually got ran over and nearly died because they couldnt help but have such adoration and fondness over you... this person, is all actually the very same person that youd rather believe is lying about no one being in the attic or whatever sneakness you think is happening, the same person that you'd rather beileve has something to hide, the same person you'd rather distrust and doubt, the same person you beileve wants you beat up or in prison, the same person you'd rather beileve cant own up to thier bullshit, that you'd rather beileve is sneaky around doing sexual acts, the same person's who house you do but dont feel safe at, the same person you enjoy calling names and lashing out at, the same person you think you read the emotion of, the same person who can be crying to themselves for thier own reasons who you heartlessly and suddenly accuse of laughing at you, the same person you think is fun to make angry, the same person that you trash the room of and show no value or respectful for, same person that you beileve is lying about noises, the same person that you think behind it all on some freak show of a malicious plot, it's the same person you think always has another agenda in mind, it's the same person who gets dragged through mud by ignoring themselve inwardly and by staying so focused on only just helping lessen your pain, paranoia, and doubts, the same person who's unconditionally loved you without expectations, same person who cant stop loving you who only hope that one day the love they have for you can reach deeper than any pain you've felt and all accusation, doubts can disappear into nothingness. The same person who's heart is broken, who's entire world shakes when facing the reality that the doubts never ended and that there was never any trust no matter what everything they tried to do right by you, the same person who feels utterly ripped into pieces by your disbelief and doubts, the same person that found love for themselve through all the pain they felt that came with loving a broken forbidden impossible person. It really breaks my heart, that this person I've described willing to endure so much, give so much, and end up so much more broken inside all for you, is in fact ME. I was just to eager to give love to someone, who had maybe never known real love, and that's on me. I should have ran when I had the chance, like anyone in thier right mind would do. I'm talking about details of your paranoia so much, because that's how our first fight started, and I beileve is the core issue in a lot of our fights. You'd rather beileve that after all I've done for you, and would do for you, that me the person who wants you to feel love greater than pain, wants you to feel the safest and be able to have internal peace and self love so that you can heal, and overcome your pain and paranoia. I want so desperately to make a difference and be the loving healer that people like you have searched for all thier life. I really do live to bring light, and hope to others, for you to even think that I could possibly have the ability to set you up, lie to you, ruin your life or do you wrong in anyway, straight crushes my soul. This whole time you've known me, you haven't really known my heart, your accusations, doubts, distrust, disbelief that I ever want to intentionally go against you, is proof of just how much of a stranger you've stayed to my heart. It hurts very badly. God only knows if you actually really do care for me, if you will ever actually read this I dont even know. You'd rather believe that I'm lying to you about people, my house, my attic over the idea of having to admit to yourself, that maybe you are losing it a bit. It's easier for you to beileve that the person who will probably intimately love you more deeply in your life than any other person is capable of is untruth, is intent on destroying what's even left on you. I dont know what to do anymore, sit with my pain and grieve it maybe, again it turns I'm that I'm just throwawayable chopped liver in the life of who Ive dearly love, with more fierce love to give that I didnt even know I had. I feel my efforts, energy, words, heart, loyalty, tears, my forgiveness, honesty, patience, pain, heartbrake is just all worthless to you. Why did you trick my heart, when you never trusted it and never even wanted it? All the pain and doubts that I've endure from you the entire time I've known you, it's all been for you, the dangerously broken one, who had managed to help me feel alive again without even meaning to. I feel like I've wasted my time and my love, on someone who couldnt even see me standing there trying to help you to carry your pain, despite any potential risk to myself. I tried to kill the monster within you with the purest love that I'm capable of, and yet that same monster it seems, would rather kill the light within me, than let down its guard and wholeheartedly believe that someone be capable of loving it and embracing it as if it were my own. Your monster is a reflection of your soul's deepest pain, and it doesnt scare me. I've never considered you to be a joke or a fool with your paranoia. I know that you arent a joke, and my heart doesnt operate of thinking it's funny to see such loved ones hurting. It pisses the fuck off you think I'm some sick person who is capable of laughing at your misery. Ive loved you with the purest love and intentions I've had to give, and it wasn't even good enough. In you thinking your pain, brings me laughter to any degrees has again shown more proof that you've actually stayed a stranger to my heart. I've never been called a liar or accused of being a sick fuck that enjoys when people hurt in ALL of my entire life until you. You really dont think healers, who selflessly try to better the world and give impossible broken people like you hope actually exist dont you? Your a stranger to my heart, because you dont even believe what drives my heart to continue to beat even through my own brokenness. Why did you asked if I was an angel all those times, when you wouldnt beileve me anyway? Im someone with such a powerful heart and the rare gift of such intense love to give that has the power to move mountains. And here I am moving mountains for someone who doesnt even see me, stretching myself out so thin, with just barely enough hope that it will all me something to you. I really hope that you didnt just act out your paranoia this entire time for your own amusement. I hope I fell for a real person, and not some gaint act. I'm the joke and the fool for possibly loving a felon and a person who might live thier life acting. I will straight say with nothing but love for you, that your paranoid thoughts have always been 110% WRONG. I know you couldnt help it, you just knew survival so well, and the things that you've already been through. Never have I tried to get you in trouble purposely. Never had even been a throught or objective of mine. I DONT live my life with the agenda of destroying broken souls. Broken soul and me find each other naturally, yes, but I just try to shine light on reasons to get back up again when their darkest is drowning them, when pain is to intense to see any good in life, I can only try to show them any reason, light, hope to not give up on themselves. I dont live my live trying to ruin people that I love. I just dont, that is my word, mind, heart, soul and my bond. That is what makes me, me. The whole reason I ever took my chances with you as a roommate even though, I knew you were a wrecking ball, because i saw behind those sad eyes, behind the hustling, behind the needles, behind the drug use, behind the distrust and paranoia of the world, were such loud soul wrecking- ear piercing cries for help, cries for love, even though you already knew that you didnt know how to accept what you really longed for most, unconditional love. Someone who would get you, understand all of you, and still love you through all the pain, anger, bad, grief, passion, love, darkness, selfishness, selflessness, stubbornness, abusiveness towards yourself & others. I live trying to build broken people up by bringing out their rawness and showing them, even at their worse, they deserve to feel loved to. I live my life trying to bring people light and hope, because I'm lost and broken myself and in helping people, i find reason not to kill myself. I loved to feel needed, love to nurture, love to pant seeds of hope in the shattered hopeless souls and hearts. I love to feel like I'm making a real difference for anyone in life, even if I only made a difference for but a moment in another's life. I dont know if i actually make a difference to you, and that's okay. In my heart I've succeeded in how I had shown you, that even your darkest, your most feared demons deserve to be loved, unconditionally. If only you had felt loved all your life, those demons wouldnt have such power within you, if only the world didnt rob you of being a father, how much different of a person you would be. Love is foolish, and I love all of you, just as you are. I've always been me, Mark. The girl who tries to bring people back to life, because I painfully understand all to well what that inner void feels like of having lost all that I was living for. No lies. No bullshit. No acting. I PROMISE you that no one has ever hid from you in my attic, accept for me myself when I needed space. You always wanted me to and demanded of me to "own up to my bullshit" in your hurtful accusatory ways, well fine. Here we go. I'll proudly own up to it, and who I've become now. I own up to how I allowed myself to fall in love with the most too far gone, most broken, most dangerous, most worthwhile, most doubtful, most hurtful, most strongest at surviving, most saddest, most childlike, and yet the most wise wild and goofy person, that I've ever known in my life, and although there is continually great heavy pain, I will never regret having known you, and you cant make me. I will love you, with or without contact. My spirit stays with you. You can run, you can hide, but my love for you is carried inside. The person who had been my greatest life mentor and teacher in my life, as been unregrettably, non the less, you Mark Conner. Maybe it wasn't me who was suppose to make a difference in your life, maybe it was you who purpose was to completely shake and rock my entire heart and world.... and my goodness, you fucking did! I now have new strength, self love, and survival instincts within myself, that I didnt know even existed. I'd rather have an empty bed, and no cuddles than to be with less that I deserve, than to tolerant bullshit treatment from myself, or anyone else. I feel okay being alone now. Actually okay in my own skin now. Holy shit the chick who tried to pay $200 to kevin just for cuddles, the chick who brought $100 stuffed animal to cuddle, the chick who had reckless sex and let people use her with just mere hope that someone could really love me, need me, just a little bit. Im the very co dependent chick, who never couldnt picture herself single, never picture myself alive without no man at my side, and with no kids at my side to pour my precious love into. Im the burdensome chick who was always desperate for closeness, would settled for anyone who would give it. Your own darkness and pain brought to light for me, my own inner power, and as it turns out, I'm dont being prey that men/predators thirst for and seek out to just use and discard. Done playing the mental games of others who I was just trying to show them the way out of consuming darkenss. I know now, my thoughts and my reactions to my thoughts and feelings, are what allow me to be the creator of the outcomes in my life. Even if you really truly are a hopeless tweaker, a monster, or some unsolved mysterious wonder Mark, I refuse to accept that there is no hope for you, even if you've made a mess out of my heart by turning me to chopped liver by trusting paranoia over love. I refuse to beileve you cant do better for yourself. I refuse to think your future will be in prison or eastern. I gave up on us as a couple, at least for now, but I havent, and will not give up on you as a person. Your heart feeling sincerely loved, is worth all the pain I've endured, that I'd go through repeatly for you if I had to. All I can do is still have hope for you, for YOUR sake, because you deserve to not live in such torment, to never be able to feel safe, to never feel trust, to always think that something, or someone, somewhere is plotting against you no matter where your at or who your around. I've fallen for and have embraced and chosen to love the toxic impossible parts of you, even if I do discarded, or dont feel loved in return. I dont love you without expectations for my benefit, I love you for your benefit. You would not be you, without your imperfections, and I love every bit of you so much, that I cant be around to watch you destroy/hurt yourself, and/or your loved ones unintentionally. I know when you hurt others and are aware of it, the painful guilt you have to live with inside, for surviving the ways the you knew how, is your greatest enemy. You are you own enemy. You hold yourself to the highest standards. You can't forgive yourself either, that grudge you hold against yourself is so power, that you cant see it when others have already forgiven you and have attempted to move forward with you in the present moment. Your own survival game is real. Your intense af, and your brokeness, your intense emotions, your pain, your will to survive, is how I was able to feel alive again, instead of just floating around like some darkness engulfed broken depressed empty lifeless thing that only desired for death. That isnt me anymore, thanks to knowing you, and mostly thanks to me for seeing myself through my own loving eyes and ways. One day I hope Mark that your PTSD gets treated, and that you can learn how to just live and cruise through life enjoy all life has to offer instead of fear it. One day I hope you can feel safe in your own skin, with the people who love you. Home is where the heart is, but your heart is in so much pain, that your in denial of even having a safe loving home. Your insecurity and vindictiveness got you to cut my vibrator cord at some point, and has your goodbye to me, you poured gatorade on my jeep seat like a child having a tantrum as if I had done something to even deserve that episode from you in my jeep, joke is on me for loving the impossible. I went from being all eager to feel valued and worthy by a good steady stable man, to developing actual self value. Im awake now, and there is no going back. No one can take that away self value from me, and it cant abandon me. Your solo ways, have taught me much needed tools to get through life when it storms. I dont care about our feelings towards each other, I just care that you one day can see and feel your own inner power to. I'd often wonder if there was a God, how dare you have been made to suffer all your life, but your right when you told Trina when we were both in Springdale, that "God wouldnt ever give us more than we could handle." Your darkness, your incredible survival rate, the deep footprints (or should I say BMX tire tracks) that you leave behind you, that you left on my heart, are very loud, and impossible to be overlooked by someone with a very rare and real heart like mine. The broken who cant escape darkness because they chose to run back into the fire (pits of hell) trying to save people from bone chilling pain, because we understood it, and have endured it ourself with no real escape. Empaths, healers, people who can see the good in you, know what I'm talking about. You showed survival be possible with nothing to live for, and you lead the way, for probably not just me, but others who have lost their way and own sense of hope or belonging. If you couldnt see no way, you created a way, and I'll cherish witnessing how you could start from nothing, and how you just kept going, no matter the curveballs. You didnt surrender your life to this hell, even when you've felt dead and hopeless inside, even when the flames gave you third degree burns. Your living prove at how possible life is, even when you have nothing, but yourself. "Coming in hot!!" You'd say. Damn right you are hot, you came into my life on fire from both hell and holy flames. You can light a fire within anyone, who can see into and feel your very wounded, yet shattered warrior soul, or at least, you did for me. I hope that counts as something towards you finding self love. I want you to see your value, through my eyes, my heart, my soul. I want you to feel it in the core of your being and never doubt that you are so very loved, never doubt that you make a difference in someone's life, to love yourself enough to be able to stop thinking that your just a failure, to stop thinking that your loved ones think or fear that your just some psycho monster. You ignited my healing firefly flames again, which were well burnt out after my divorce, Trench suicide, Ordai's betrayal, and my children having to live in a different place than me. I'm a firefly Mark, I was given that nickname for a very real reason, when times are dark, I still have light flickering, even if the darkest of places, it's my gift to still have light and life within me to share when others have died inside. I'm glad we touched each others lifes. I had no beacon of hope, until you, I was always the person, everyone themselves turned to for help... it was finally my turn to get the help, get the inner healing, that I didnt realize I ever needed, through knowing and having such love developed for you inspite the pain. You unintentionally lead the way, and even paved it for me. Us going through our own individual inner hells, and how you left me alone at the many times when you knew I could handle it. You didnt piggyback me through hardships, instead coldly, and harshly, you demanded I got up and fought my will to die away, you didnt jump in and saved me from my self hating bullshit, you did more more for me. By watching you torment yourself mentally, you brutally and painfully taught me the strength it takes and how to have power over my own darkness that tries to control my life. You showed me, and unknownly taught me how to save myself. For that, I will always be thankful. Mentally a lot of what we both went through together was just flat abusive, but through the sick mental illnesses we both suffered, and the shit that we dragged each other through, I've trained myself very well in adapting whatever life throws at me. Stress doesnt break me anymore. Rarely does anything scare me anymore, I'm scared of loved ones dying, scared of unintentionally hurting people I love, but that is about it for my fears. I want you to face it, like a man should, that whether you believe yourself to be a prison/drug/felony flats-made monster, You just might of did something good, and wonderful, and life/heart/soul changing for someone you love in your life. I want you to own it that you arent all bad, that through your existence, I picked up on self love, self value, and survival tactics. I also didnt know had it in me to love such scary, damaged, spung out of their mind, hurtful yet loving in balanced ways, unpredictable, unstable, controlling, broken, addicted, pos, dangerous and yet safe, insane, older gentlemen with southern/Christian ethics, and just all around love a person who could actually survive so much pain. I'm your biggest fan and cheerleader. Ordai a long time ago when he first left Feb 2019, Nick told him that my buddy would go after him with a gun. I'm sure or at least hope that Ordai knows kevin now, and can see how ridiculous it was back than to be in fear of Kevin coming after him with a gun, but Nick had created those fears in Ordai, in hopes ordai wouldnt come around me ever again. But as it turns out no was ever gun needed, I was given something far more special in meeting and falling in love with you. Thank the universe, the trees, Kevin, drugs, ex roommates, Ordai for first leaving me, or even thank God for me knowing you, because I now wield a secret invisible gun at my side, thats well cared for, well polished, and locked away when it's not needed. This gun that I call self love and survival, is the only weapon I need, and it was you that taught me how to aim with it. I'm unbreakable now. Thank you Mark, if you get nothing out of this message, than please just try to be good to yourself, gentle on yourself, because you do create inner miracles within at least with me. You will never be a lost cause, no matter how much you try, it's to late for you to not have worth to me. Your impact on my life, is part of who I am now. I didnt even figure that in loving a man so much who is so rough and jagged around the edges, a felon, a broken surving badass who lost so much in life, that I'd end up becoming a badass myself. May warmth, and love, not doubt or paranoia follow you, and be with you everywhere. THE AFTERMATH & PROCESSING OF MY THOUGHTS Now I'm realize, my upbringing.... it wasn't my fault, I didnt ask for it, I didnt do anything wrong to deserve it, that my parents neglectfulness wasn't because they didnt love me and my brother. But it was only because they both had a very deep lack of love for themselves, and learned to cope through making pain with emotion numbing substancesain order to survive. I cant even be mad at my parents as an adult for kt. They didnt mean it. Nor could they even ever comprehend the long-term outcome it would have on thier full grown children unable to stop questioning love, and at a painful war with having to decide to chose whether or not to hate themselve, or to love themselve. I realized we each have our own power within us, and I will be a model of self love now, no more self destructive bullshit. My children will know love. They will feel so overall loved and overwhelmed with love, that they wont have to experience questioning the love either of their parents have for them. My children deserve to have a mother who loves herself and can thrive and be happy, with or without a partner. I'm worth the entire world to my kids whether I'm with them or not, and that wont go unnoticed by me again. Loving myself shouldnt be to difficult, now that I chose to open my eyes, and see my priceless value. I'm actually not the garbage that I treated myself to be. I let the actions, or lack of actions of others hurt me a good bit, but I know that I'm not chopped liver. I have so much to give to myself, and those who have endlessly loved me when I couldnt love myself. I have so much to live for. My existance can and might one day be just one living proof of an example for other shattered by life, broken and self hating souls. Through how I love and live, maybe people can start to uncover their own inner voice, worth, and love. Its amazing at how much power and control we have in our lifes, to share with all we cross paths with, if we chose to take back our life and become our own pilots. Its magically to become the love that I've needed my entire life, instead of putting it in the hands of others, instead of burying the ability to love myself because I blamed myself for my life, instead of substance abuse, instead of lashing out and hurting others we love out of never knowing how to accept being loved. I think I might have figured out a major life hack, and the short cut to inner healing through our own childhood and past relationships.This shortcut to happiness might be real? What we think, we create and become, we are the masters of ourselves. The answers to how to be alone, and not dependent on another's value and love for us, can only be found within our own self. Not another person, not substances, not money, not travel, not sex, not working, and not escaping from reality with friends, tv, videos games or school are part of it. Gotta be okay with facing yourself, head on without distractions. I've tried so hard, and for such a long time to hope for a sincere strong willed, adventurous, steady, and stable, man, who just incapable of abandonment, abuse, or giving up without any effort. I wanted my fairytale to be real, wanted a man to come along and magically love me unconditionally in the ways my broken self had always freely given, but had gone without. Ive learned that no perfect match for me exists. The joke was on me, but the fact is, I acccidentally fell in love with the least likely type of person that I would ever let in or trust in my life and heart. I blindy fell for someone and I knew it was the most toxic relationship that I would ever experience, yet my idiotic heart didnt care. I learned that happy ever after is a overrated unreal concept. Through this on and off crazy yoyo relationship I had over the period of a year with Mark, I started to give up entirelly on the idea of my heart being unconditionally loved and accepted without expections. I seemed to feel accepted just for being me with all my intenseness, my wildness, my BPD, my selfless ride or die love, and my total inner indecisiveness about whether I'm monogamous, polyamorous, open to kinks, or if I had just enjoyed bring healing energy to others through intimacy. All I knew was that just once, I didnt want to feel like loving all of me would be such an inconvenience for someone, just once I wanted to experience feeling that I was more than enough, instead of less than what was hoped for. I dont know if the cupid in my life just is a wingnuts or what happened, because I fell in love with the complete opposite of what I'd ever search for within a potential partner. I fell for the most broken, dangerous, controlling, closed minded, arrogant, possessive, needy, lost, abusive and damaged soul that I had ever come to know. The hardest part about loving this person, was how full of expections he was for me, and how he didnt agree with how the healer within me freely gave endless love to broken souls like ourselves. He couldnt love the core healer that I truly was inside, that even make me, me. The only reason I even could befriend this guy in the beginning, was because the way my healing empathic heart could hear and even feel the pain his heart would sing. It seemed he was only out to try change and shape my heart. It seemed that his greed wanted to kill the healer inside of me, instead of love me for the healer that I was.... This experience taught me so much. I wasn't willing to bend to his demands and expections, I wanted to be free to be true to myself. Many times I'd be feeling so down on myself about his treatment towards me, I'd isolate myself to my room out of fear of upsetting him if I was to try to hang out with my roommates. I allowed him to put distance between me and others, and even allowed his presents in my life and home chase people away from me. At times I didnt even feel like my life was my own, I just did what was I told, just did what I knew was allowed, just barely even allowed myself to move, use my phone at all, or cook or use the bathroom, or even breath in the wrong way with him around me, because that was the only way to stop the painful demeaning nonstop doubts and accusations. I automatically started obeying all his passive aggressive signals, in order to keep any sense of peace in my life. I felt trapt as my life became constantly just tipy toeying on eggshells, receiving lots of concerned looks from friends and very bad inner anxiety in the mist of trying to keep the most impossible, dangerously broken man happy at the cost of allowing myself to get robbed of everything I was.... I stopped feeling like this man loved or cared for me at all, because while I was being a stranger to myself, he was a stranger to my heart. My feelings and emotions when mentioned went entirely ignored, or back fired on me and gave him reasons to guilt me into feeling worthless by just trying to be me. Only he mattered, his greed, no one and nothing else. My voice, values, beliefs werent ever even heard in his mind. He just demanded that he be the Alfa while telling me hurtful things to crush my spirit. I couldnt use my phone, playing video games, do art, or listen to my own music without his attitude changing on me, he was okay with my entire life stopping, if it meant that my focus was on him and nowhere else be it person, animal, nature, errand, or hobby. I wanted this man to feel loved so badly, wanted him to trust me, to stop doubting me, so I willingly self sacrificed, overlooking myself, my own free will, because I had desperately hoped it would all be for something, hoped with time that he would loosen up, that he would open his eyes and realize just how much he was suffocating the life out of me. He didnt, it didnt get better, when I expressed how at times everyone needs breaks from each other, his grip on me would get even tighter. At times it got to the point in our fights to where I'd just have to take off, away from him, to where I'd find myself hiding from him in my own house silently letting tears fall, because only in that very moment of hiding, could I even seriously fully take deep breaths again. It's threw going through this time with him, that I gained a backbone with how I would let him treat me. The break I got from him felt so good, that I learned to pamper myself in the little moments I had to myself. I began to learn self love through this scary possessive abusivness. I learned that I could never do right by him, and that he would always need someone to control of entire day of in his life. After learning that from someone who also loves him and been in my shoes, naturally my heart and adoration started to repell and withdraw from him. It was about time that i embraced some of the love that I freely gave away and would throw into the darkness hoping it would touch the life of someone who'd value and cherish it. It's about time that I allowed my own damaged heart, to grieve, heal, and feel the absolute love that I carried within myself. It was a lucky miracle that became and gave to myself what I couldnt find in a man. I literally embodied and became love, as a result of feeling of the lack of safe comforting love, and no one can take it from me. That is such power. My life is my life. I'm responsible for myself, not the entire world. I must be good to myself first, so others can witness and feel the best of my healing heart and soul, so it wont be hard for others to just naturally feel they are valued and loved by me, instead of having to only witness and share in just feeling the pain I hadn't accepted within myself. I am much more than just my darkness. I do more than just drown, in fact I was giving up feeling alive, before my own survival called bullshit and my own hidden will to live forced me to learn to stand up for myself and on my own. I survived it all, but the fact that I had allowed myself to go through such a thing, reflected that I was my own worst enemy. Sure that I took a dangerous risky route, to find self love. That it did in fact take me falling in love with, and seeing the only the best within a very deeply disturbed, broken, truamatized, and paranoid person who needs the type of help that goes beyond my control and power, to see that the only way to survive through the dark hardships of life, and the pain that comes with unconditionally loving impossible people, was to learn to love myself, find truth and beauty in my own pain and grow from it instead of become a monster myself. I'd learn to be, what I needed and couldnt find. I wish for all the broke souls I love in my life, for their eyes, hearts, minds to be open to their own inner power. This abusive man who I very dearly do love, torments himself greater than it even be possible for another human to do to him. It was honestly through being part of watching him destructively cope with his sadness, paranoid thinking, helplessness, unforgiveness and lack of trust towards himself, and the inner misery he inflicts on himself, that I was even able to recognize myself, and how much I was alike to him within our inner pain. I felt trapt in ways of never knowing how to stop repeatly breaking myself through using the pain I've lived to justify all ill treatment towards myself from myself and all my interactions with people. He cant save himself, but he isnt a failure. Somehow he taught me how to save myself by isolating and silencing me, by being my most toxic relationship, and by watching him drown himself and survive the entire time. It was through the worse mental pain I felt and seen in life, that wasn't even my own that I was lucky to been gifted such an ability to intensely directly empath the pain from Mark's inner turmoil. It was within hurting so deeply and helplessly for him while he allowed himself to burn alive and internally suffer deeper as he lashed out and hurt people who he said he loved, that Mark had accidentally showed me the way out of our own inner hell. I didnt want him to hurt alone, didnt want him to roll over and surrender his life, so i let the flames that continued to burn and consume his fragmented self, also lick me. I tolerated absurd bullshit and treatment for long, because that is the nature of my love, to ways forgive, to ways see the best, to kill everything I know with love. I willing chose to love the darkness and demons that had shown him how to survive. I decided that it was wrong of me to have expectations on how he should love me, especially when he couldnt even love himself, and was quickly becoming more and more of a stranger to my heart. I only started diving into self love, because I had helplessly hoped for so long that Mark would find it for himself, so that he could be able to heal and see the endless love and light that lays right beyond the all consuming pain that keeps his soul dead. I love myself now, I had to learn it quickly for my own survival and sanity after I would embrace his flames, and let them surround me with flame kisses and burn me alive, along with him. Mark is like that of a burn victim. The on going effects of his trauma have been everlasting. I got out and away from my hell engulfing me, I can only hope that he isnt too far gone himself, and that he would stop squeezing his eyes so tightly shut from the pain he experiences. If he just opens his eyes wide enough to see, there is a way out, that pain doesnt have to consume him, that only he can put his own fire out, and find inner love and forgiveness for himself, how much he could change his entire life around. He just needs to see and come back to reality just enough to register that the waterhose to put the fire's flames out he is already gripping in his hand. He can stop the burning so easy, so quickly and regain his life back, find his self love, just like I'm doing, he just has to chose the outcome he wants in life.

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pandabearlikes · 7 years

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My Husband, Kim JunMeow

Table of Contents 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Chapter o2. I’m Not A Vixen, I Swear

My mother blinks. I stand there as frozen as a popsicle could get and maybe even more frozen than that. Color strips from my face and I’m seconds from passing out in front of the two most important figures destined to be part of my life. With a chummy grin, the stud extends his hand.

“Nice to meet you,” he politely greets with a bow. My mind whirls and my hands reflexively jerk out to retreat his arm as if I’m afraid the female in front of us would morph into a real tiger and maul his beautiful hands off.

Hesitantly, my mother takes his hand. My pretend husband’s politeness strikes her as a positive attribute from the list of qualities her potential son-in-law must have.

“Kim Jun…Meow…?” she raises a brow.

“Mmhm,” his friendly smile charms my mother like a spell.

“Okay, OK, Mum, you got his name. I’ll explain all else through the phone!” I speedily separate them and proceed to scoot her out the door. “I love you, Mum. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll go home over the weekend for dinner,” I apologize and give her a fleeting kiss on the cheek. It calms her enough to not grill me further. With a short shake of the head and palm holding her throbbing head, she struts down the block and gets into her car.

I slam the door shut and heave the deepest of deep breaths. My back slides down the ornate engraved designs of the wooden front door. Palms rest themselves against my sore chest as I take a moment to process what in the actual world just happened. Am I secretly the main character of a crazy webtoon or something?? Hey, you gotta admit it, W was a kick ass Korean drama but the ending was kind of —

Large hands outstretch in front of me, breaking me from my habitual scatter-brained thoughts. Its owner leans over like a gentlemen, prince in shining armor straight out of a fairy tale. On instincts, I take his hand and he helps me onto my feet. The miscalculated force guides me to land right into his chest. It’s so warm and broad and perfect and my heart starts to bubble and go crazy. Bashfully, I peer up at him. Cheeks heat up in temperatures rivaling the degree of the hotness gemstones in the night sky. I think I’m floating on clouds. He’s beautiful. My fingertips trail down his chest and torso.

“Are you okay?” the handsome man breaks the silence by questioning. It dispels the entrancing bewitchment and finally registering what I was doing, I bounce myself back and away from him to hide behind my living room table. I gulp.

How did you get in here? Who are you…?

Instead, the words that spill from my mouth are, “Did we…”

“Hm?” he tilts his head and innocently, inches forward. My eyes roam down his chocolate abs and I know it’s stupid but I feel a sense of satisfaction. The thought of losing my virginity to such a god-like man was…silly…but satisfying because social college norms are pressuring. You try to ignore it but it gets to you sometimes and having gone through 90% of college without having touched the opposite sex made me feel unwanted. Stupid. Stupid thoughts. And priorities much? Shouldn't I be asking him for his identity? He could be a serial killer for God’s sake.

“Did we…do it?” I elaborate.

“Do what?” the man is now just two feet from me. Sensing my discomfort, he settles at the other end of the living room table. A soft smile spreads across his juicy lips and I’m so in awe by how quickly my pulse calms down to his simple act.

“You know…” I chew on my inner cheek, lower my head, and shift my feet.

“I know…?” he pouts. He looks so soft and cuddly, his cheeks puff up and I have to grind my heels against the floor to not go up and pinch them.

“Did we…have sex…?” I mumble.

“Sex?” the attractive human raises his brow. The slight twitch of the corner of his lips sends my heart trembling once again.

“…You know…hah…” I rub the back of my neck, “Hah…we’re both fully grown adults…it’s okay. Chill…chill…it’s not that big of a deal…everyone does it…it’s normal…we don’t have to make it such a big dea—"

As a spurt words out of nervousness, I fail to acknowledge his advancement until he’s literally standing right in front of me. Our toes tickle one another and I’m such a coward, I can’t even tilt my head up to look at him. Instead, my vision coincidentally lands on the bump covered by the blanket around his hip. From the close distance, the thin cotton fabric could only hide so much.

“Like mating…?” his voice is just as soft as his cheeks. But his odd question causes me to look up at him with an utterly confused expression.

“Ye-…yeah…” I blink and nod. Both our cheeks dusts in cherry blossom pink.

“No, I would never do that to you,” he responds. I jolt my head up and bite my lower lip, a little hurt by his response. Again, there goes these stupid and foolish thoughts of self-worthlessness due to being rejected by a perfect guy…

“…without your permission…” the man finishes his genuine statement. Sucking in air, I peer into his oscillating orbs again. They’re so sparkly, with a tinge of azure blue. My tummy flip-flops as my brain repeats his sweet words over and over again. I flatten my lips. He gifts me a pure and gentle smile and automatically, my expressions mimic his. It’s ridiculous and I am not a believer of true love, much less, love at first sight but this moment may have just disproved all my beliefs or non-beliefs.

But I didn’t want to seem like an easy girl nor want to let go of my pride so I backtrack and cross my arms over my chest. “Do you use that line with all the girls you sleep with?” I accuse. He blinks. Hissing, I grumble under my breath, “But I don’t feel any pain…If we did it I should be super sore because you’re so bi—“ I catch myself before my chatterbox lips vocalize any more of my thoughts. He laughs into his smile.

“I…would never hurt you…” the man sincerely promises.

“We-well…tell me who you are then…” I chuck back.

“Kim JunMeow,” he answers right away.

“Kim Jun…Meow…?” I scratch my head, “That’s the oddness name I’ve ever…”

Sensing my distrust, the lovely man picks up one of my scattered notebooks and pens from the table and scribbles onto it. With an adorable signature grin, he turns the notebook and reveals the writing.

“Kim JunMyeon,” I read out loud. “Oh, JunMyeon,” I laugh. “You can’t even say your own name? Is JunMeow a nickname?” I giggle and admit, “It’s kinda cute.”

Junmyeon’s expressions liven at my comment. “Will you call me by ‘JunMeow’ then?” he shyly requests and looks at me with hopeful eyes.

“Sure!” I chirp. The room echoes with our bashful giggles. Then I backtrack again; my expression grows serious and I grab a nearby lamp as a makeshift weapon. Narrowing my eyes, I finally ask the questions I should have asked a long time ago. “Who are you?” Wait, God damn it, you just asked that. Ask the other question. “I mean…How did you find me?!”

“I followed you home,” the gullible man honestly answers.

My jaw hits the ground with a scoff. “Are you a psychopath?!” I shrill. “I knew it, I’ve been dry all my life, no perfect man would suddenly drop into my world,” I groan and then shout, “How did you even get into my apartment?!?! I’m calling the police!!”

“No! No, please calm down!” Junmyeon holds his palms up.

“Are you a rapist?! A serial killer? Oh my God…I’m going to die. I’m going to…” I shout gibberish as my knees start to shake. He starts to make his way toward me. Trembling, I hold the lamp out like a sword and shield. “Please…please…” I start to break down when he’s inches from me. Though not too tall, his physique towers over me. His strong grip gathers hold of the lamp and he slowly twists it out of my grasp. “I barely lived life. I’ve never fallen in love or achieved any life goals. Please don’t kill me…” I start to beg when he completely strips me of any weaponry or protective barrier. He locks me with his deep gaze as my body uncontrollably convulses at the thought of being raped and killed and the sad thought that my mother was probably anxiously waiting at home for my phone call. I squeeze my eyes shut and let tears fall down like a broken pearl necklace along my cheeks. He’s so close, I could feel heat radiating from his skin and rush through my pores. Then, the unthinkable happens. Strong arms mold around the curvature of my back as its owner brings me into his embrace. Still, not comprehending his actions, I continue to shake against his chest. He presses me closer until the minimal space between our skin starts to perspire.

“I would never hurt you,” Junmyeon repeats his promise from before while tenderly stroking the side of my arm to calm me down. His touch is the closest thing to a miracle; the trembles quiet.

“Yo-you hic you just said you followed hic me home…” I hiccup from fright.

“You let me in,” he honestly answers.

Confusion settles into my soul and I aggressively pinch my arm because I’m so sure I’m stuck in a crazy dream right now. I’ve been reading too much erotic fan fiction for my own good. If only I had as much interest in my college text books…My skin is beet red but the illusion before me fails to dispel. Junmyeon grabs hold of my hand to stop my self-inflicted bruise. He takes my arm and starts to softly brush the red spot with his thumb; it startles me. Taking his lowered guard to my advantage, I grab onto his wrist and launch him in the direction of the door. He groans as his body slams against the front door. Immediately, I climb on top of him to subdue him. His hands naturally hold the sides of my hip and suddenly, our position is more suggestive than I had intended. My breathing is heavy and panting from all the action and anxiety. Junmyeon peers up with a look of innocence and puzzlement. As soon as I feel a heated throb against my thigh, i bounce off him.

“I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT YOU NEED TO LEAVE OR ELSE I’M CALLING THE COPS!” I warn.

He gives me ‘em puppy eyes, they’re so familiar…but I can’t quite grasp the situation. My phone rings. With my eyes locked on Kim JunMeow - I mean Myeon, I sidewalk like a crab over to the kitchen counter to grab hold of my device.

“Hello?”

My father’s thunderous voice almost deafens me. I hold my phone out at an arm’s length to salvage my hearing. “I AM DOWNSTAIRS. YOUNG LADY, YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING!”

I should be relieved. My father, who is a retired police officer is here to save me from this psychopath stalker, but I’m not. I’m not relieved. Anxiety and worry fills my souls for whatever reason, I can’t quite pinpoint. A moment of de ja vu clouds my mind as I glance over to the patient and innocent-looking man. Quickly, I shake off the feeling and misinterpret it as a sign that I was stupidly more afraid of getting in trouble with my parents than being murdered. Very stupid indeed, my logic needs some reworking.

As soon as my father hangs up, I dash across the room, take Junmyeon by the hands and tug him back into my room. Wardrobe doors swing open. I dig through my clothes for the largest t-shirt I could find and hold the contenders up to Junmyeon to find the most appropriate and presentable one. I don’t even question why he showed up at my house without clothes to begin with.

“You’re pretty skinny, I think you’ll fit this one!” I announce, chuck a black t-shirt at him, and run to dig through my drawers for some jogger pants.

Junmyeon frowns at the graphics on the shirt that read, “Cats are Devil’s Spawn.”

“What are you doing?! Put it on! My dad’s coming up as we speak!” I rush. When the man doesn’t move, I physically go up to him, stretch the jogger pant’s waist band out, and get down on my knees. “Leg up!” I order. Obediently, Junmyeon lets me slip the pants up. I catch a glimpse of his goods by accident and almost choke on my saliva.

Keys start to jiggle at the door. I’m a mess, I jolt up onto my feet and motion for Junmyeon to lift up his arms so I could slip the t-shirt on but he’s stubborn about not wearing the chosen t-shirt. “ARM UP!” I growl. The man with breathtaking boyish looks puff up his cheeks and shake his head.

“KIM JUNMEOW!” I bark, “My father will be right here any moment!”

His lower lip protrudes at the increased volume of my voice.

“Be good…” For some reason, I reach out and pet his head.

“Fine,” Junmyeon murmurs and finally reaches his arms over his head. Instantaneously, I throw the shirt over him and pull. He’s skinny but so ripped, his pecs protrude through the t-shirt.

“YOUNG LADY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE MARRIED?!” My father barges straight through my bedroom door, disregarding the fact that I’d have to spend a chunk of my paycheck to repair it. But worse of all, my hands are still tangled in between Junmyeon’s abs and the shirt.

Fourth time. I never ever want to hear my full name ever again. Immediately, I jerk my hand away from Junmyeon to cover my ears. On the other hand, my pretend husband is already absorbed into his character. His arms protectively round over my body. The older man scrutinizes him, his nostrils flaring out with invisible fire. Junmyeon spins me around even though the escapist part of me would much rather face plant against his chest.

“Hello, Sir. I am Kim JunMeow,” my pretend husband bows and stretches out a hand to take my father’s. This time, I grab his hand before my shark of a father could sever his limb off. The furious man hisses at my disrespectful actions but can’t disapprove of Junmyeon’s politeness.

“Kim Jun…Meow?” the older man’s response is similar to his wife’s.

“Hah…” I nervously laugh, “He means Kim JunMyeon, Dad. JunMeow is just the pet name I gave him…heh…” I scratch my head and find myself, also, absorbed in my character too. My palm rests against Junmyeon’s abdomen and we stand there like any other normal couple.

“What do you do? And when did you meet me daughter?” the retired sheriff takes a seat on my vanity chair and starts to interrogate.

“I protect your daughter and summer of 1996,” Junmyeon honestly answers, though, at the time, I assume it is a straight out lie. I look at him, impressed with his job well done.

The interrogator narrows his eyes but the shock of Junmyeon’s answers makes him speechless. My mother had detailed to him that I had randomly married a mysterious man she’s never met and it was quite possibly an impulsive or shot gun marriage.

“Are you pregnant?”

“NO!” I instantly answer.

“Young Man, do your parents know you got married?”

“No,” Junmyeon shakes his head. I subtly smack his back to reprimand him for his honesty.

“Why did the two of you get married without your parents' permission?! Huh?!?” My father stomps his feet in rage.

“Because I love her,” my pretend husband shocks me with his response. “I want to protect her. I never met my father and humans separated me from my mother when I was eight weeks old. I’ve never seen her since and quite frankly, I don’t even remember how she looks like.” My heart drops at his confession, I peer up at him almost searching for a hint that would tell me all of this was an act and that he didn’t have to go through such unbearable trauma so early in his life. Because no one deserves such tragedy. And yet, his jaws are tense and eyes grow glossy at the memory.

My father too, softens his strong front at the younger male’s story. “That…that is not an excuse for you not to ask for my permission for my daughter’s hand in marriage, Young Man. You don’t have parents but she does.”

“Dad!” I hiss. I think I’m stupid for having fallen prey to this man’s lies.

“Stay out of this,” the middle-aged man orders, “This is a conversation between men.”

To my father’s words, I cower and lower my head in shame. Yet, to my bewilderment, the normally placid Junmyeon bravely counters, “Why is it a conversation between men, Sir? Aren’t we talking about your daughter and my marriage? She has full right to take part in the conversation.” I inhale sharply. My father jolts up onto his feet and glares at Junmyeon with intimidation for daring to talk back at him. Instinctively, I step in front of my husband and hold my arm out in a protective stance.

In a mature gesture, Junmyeon bows his head and states, “Sir, I admit our marriage was quite impulsive and abrupt. It was my fault for not informing you.”

“Dad…” I murmur a plea, “Please…” Please what… “Do-don’t…” my lips tremble, though I’m not sure why. “Don’t break us apart…” I choke. Both men in the room paralyze with guilt. I lift my hand up to my cheeks and realize I was crying…no…I was sobbing. This sudden rush of emotions is so incomprehensible to me. I don’t understand why…why…but I start choking with tears. An unbearable feeling of having a wound resurface in my heart causes me to clench my chest. Distraught, Junmyeon brings me into his tight embrace, stroking my hair and whispering, “It’s okay” in my ear. Speechless, the older man can only watch as his supposed son-in-law steals away the job once reserved for him.

“Sir, I apologize for everything. I’ll stop by and have this chat with you another time,” Junmyeon promises as he holds me. My sobs only grow and it breaks both of my guardians' hearts. I’m riddled with confusion, myself.

Junmyeon doesn’t let go of me even after my father leaves. Hiccuping, I peel myself away from him and wipe my eyes. “I hic I don’t know what hic is hic going on but you need to hic go!” I direct him to the door. “Let’s pretend that nothing happened between us last night.” Well, technically nothing happened between us…but… Compliantly, he lets me shove him to the front of the door but stands his ground when I tell him to go his merry way.

“I’m not leaving when you are like this,” Junmyeon strictly says. Looking down, I notice even my hands are shaking. What has gotten into me?

Chuckling, I wipe my tears and try to suppress my sobs as best as possible. “I should have majored in Acting, shouldn’t I?” I downplay the incident because I still don’t know why I suddenly burst into tears.

Junmyeon’s gentle expression tells me he doesn’t buy it. “I’ll leave after I know that you’re okay,” he bargains.

I bite my lip and turn away to avoid his enticing gaze. With his brows sinking a bit and lips in a pout, he looks so fluffy and cuddly and I wasn’t sure if I’d hop into his embrace without my own knowledge. Instead, he steps back into the room, stops in front of me, and takes my hand.

“Go,” I say, though my heart tells him to stay. But I learn very quickly that listening my heart is an untrustworthy one-way trip to misery.

“You really want me to go?” Junmyeon softly questions as he kneads my fingers.

“Go.”

I can’t stop the half twitch of my brows when he lets go of my hands. Footsteps grow lighter and lighter, my heart drops when they stop. Calm your thirst, Woman. You barely know him. Frustrated, I tousle my hair. When I look up again, I do a double take. My eyes widen.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” I suck in my breath and almost trip over flat surface.

Junmyeon is stripping out of his clothes. Choking myself from my quick breathing, I rush forward to stop him before he got to his bottoms. My hands outstretch to grab onto his loose waistband but miss it by a jiffy. His perfectly symmetrical butt cheeks stare back at me as he lets the jogging pants fall to the floor.

“AHHH!” I scream and cover my face with my hands. Notice, I said face and not eyes, my fingers part in “V” because my thirst or as Fifty Shades of Grey would describe as “inner goddess” contradict with my outer reserved demeanor. And NO, I didn’t read Fifty Shades of Grey O.o I just saw the movie trailer…but I digress. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, KIM JUNMYEON?!”

With his blank kitten stare, he starts to turn.

“DON’T TURN AROUND!” I shout.

“Hm?” the man innocently explains, “The shirt and pants are yours so I didn’t want to leave with them without your permission.”

“YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION! PLEASE TAKE THEM!” I instantly reply and physically lift the pants back up to cover him. The thought of other woman getting a glimpse of his body angered me for whatever reason I don’t know. Maybe, I’m just hella possessive. Wiping off the sweat from my forehead, I throw my head back in exhaustion. First that cat and now —

“Wait…what happened to…” I scratch my head and scan my premise for any signs of the furry monster.

Junmyeon is finally allowed to turn around.

“Put the shirt back on,” I command as I get down on my knees and look under my sofa for the lost cat.

“I don’t want to,” my pretend husband complains. Running my fingers through my hair, I throw him a displeased look.

“Be good and put back on your shirt, please,” I hear myself say.

“No,” Junmyeon crosses his arms over his chest and pouts. The shirt is an abandoned heap on the floor. For a moment, I mistake it to be the missing cat playing hide and seek and lift it up.

“Argh,” I toss the shirt at the hot stud, who flicks his arm to reject my present. “Argh, you act like Lila’s ungrateful cat!” I groan under my breath. Junmyeon takes a seat at the arm of the sofa and observe me as I almost tear my apartment up in search of the runaway feline.

“I don’t like that shirt, even if I love you,” he grumbles.

I stuck my head out of my laundry basket and ask, “Why?”

“I love cats.”

“Oh my God.” My body collapses onto the floor in disbelief.

Junmyeon suppresses a chuckle at my dramatic reaction. “You used to too…” he whispers but I don’t hear over my own hypothesis about how every one has been hypnotized by freakin’ cats.

“You should just marry Lila. My God, you two would love each other,” I half-heartedly say as I dig through the boxes above my shelves in case the kitty fell asleep there.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and we’re married now,” he smiles into his reply. I stop the search to look at him. Mistake. Cleaning my throat, I hold a hand up to block my view of his flawlessly sculptured abs.

“You’re really good at acting. Are you an actor?” I probe.

“Nope.”

“Are you…a thief?” I narrow my eyes. Hey, they are good at lying after all.

“Nope,” Junmyeon answers, this time a little amused.

“Then what are you?”

“A cat,” he bluntly answers.

I roll my eyes and throw a sofa pillow at him. He catches it with ease and hugs it against his chest. “You’re such a good liar. You almost had me earlier,” I click my tongue, now pretending to search through my house so that he didn’t know I am actually interested in his response.

“Earlier?”

“Earlier, with my father,” I completely terminate the search and plop myself onto the sofa next to him. Finally, I can look at him without my heart racing in turbulent speeds due to the nifty pillow blocking my eyes from gawking over his lethal bod.

“I was honest with every word I said,” Junmyeon retorts.

Scrutinizing his facial features, I try to hunt for any hints of dishonesty. But his expression is so pure and lovely. Unknowingly, my lips curve up into a friendly smile.

“I will protect you…”

Shaking my head, I laugh.

“…with my life,” he quiets me with his words. It doesn’t make sense but I feel my heart clench.

“…You…you must be an expert at picking up girls…” I remark to distract myself.

“Popular with them but I don’t pick up girls on purpose.”

I scoff and he chuckles. Even his laughter is friendly.

“…So…about your—“ I turn my whole body around and begin to ask but the loud grumble of his stomach halts my curiosity. Junmyeon slaps his tummy.

“Hungry?”

“Hm…” he timidly lowers his head, “A little.”

“Want some ramen?” I offer and chirpily get up to the kitchen to cook brunch.

“Do you have fish?” Junmyeon questions as he follows you.

“Fish? Hm…I think I have some. Do you mind leftovers?” I say while rummaging through my fridge. I close the door a bit when I sense Junmyeon hovering over me. Heh. I’m not the most organize to say the least…especially not the refrigerator.

“Nope. My diet is primarily eating what people throw away anyway…I’m used to it,” he states with such nonchalance that if makes my heart sink a little. Though, I’m uncertain of his identity, a part of me believes his promise that he’d never hurt me.

“I also have chicken breast left, do you want some?” I attempt to dig out the most delicious and presentable dishes a broke ass college student could have.

“Yes!! Fish and chicken breast are my favorite,” the handsome man cheers. Muffling a giggle, I throw all the food onto a plastic container and chuck it into the microwave while I start to prepare the ramen. From his seat, Junmyeon watches me with admiration. He looks like a giddy, fluffy, happy kitty. His invisible tail wags to the sound of the microwave’s beep.

It smells like pure bliss, my tummy flip-flops with anticipation. Steam vaporizes into the air. I turn off the fire and bring the entire pot of ramen onto the kitchen counter. Quickly, I motion for the gullible man to come over. He leaps up onto his feet and joins me at the table.

“Here you go,” I divide the left over tilapia and chicken onto two plates and serve him one. Eyeing his food as if they are bricks of gold, he lifts a hand and gets ready to dig in.

“Wa-wait!” I chime and hand him a fork. “Wow. You must be hungry.”

Smiling, he takes it and starts to chomp away. With a giggle, I take the lid off the pot and fetch myself a bit of ramen. “Hot. Hot!” I squirm and whimper at my scalded tongue. Junmyeon blinks. “Ramen is so delicious but you always have to wait a few minute—“ I start but notice a fork come into my peripheral vision. My new friend had forked a piece of fish and held it up to my lip.

“You…you can eat it,” I shake my head. “I have some of myself,” I explain as my cheeks start to heat up. That was seriously so sweet, knowing that he had offered to share his favorite food. Rubbing my neck, I slurp up the cooled ramen.

“So…” I start.

“Hm?” he looks up from his meal.

“You said what you told my dad was all true…?”

“Yes,” Junmyeon firmly states.

“So about your dad…and mom…” my voice softens in projection as I spot the wavering glint in his pearly orbs.

“Yeah,” he nods.

My heart drops. The thought of a small 8 week old baby being torn from his mother crushes my soul. And I don’t know why and I don’t know when, a tear slips down my cheeks. Yes, I’m overly empathetic, but it still doesn’t quite make sense why I’m suddenly an emotional wreck in the presence of this man. With a sad smile, Junmyeon reaches out his hand and brushes off the tear. I freeze in place.

“You saved me though,” he whispers.

“Huh?” I blink. My sweet fake husband simply gifts me a wide smile of gratitude. Just like a cat, he licks the plate of the last crumbs and sauces. Laughing, I offer him some ramen but he declines them, stating that they aren’t healthy.

“Oh goodness, are you one of those health freaks? Is that why you have such a nice body?” I tease and serve my portion of the fish and chicken breast onto his plate. The kitten boy grins brightly and munches away.

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” I complain.

“I don’t like that shirt,” he replies with a mouthful of food. It makes his chubby cheeks look like that of chipmunks.

“So picky…” I roll my eyes and tap on my phone. A gasp escapes my throat. Junmyeon blinks. “Look, I have to get to class now…um…” The young man’s shoulders droop, realizing it was time for him to take his leave.

I scratch my head. “Wait for me to come back…okay?”

His eyes flicker and flattened lips curve upward. The enthusiastic nod of a reaction causes my heart to flutter. Checking that the gas on the stove were turned off, I gather my textbooks and backpack and head for the door.

With a hand over the doorknob, I playfully question, “You’re not a thief, right?”

“Nope.”

“Okay,” I giggle and swing open the door, “I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll wait for you,” he promises. I throw him back a smile. “Wait, bring an umbrella.”

“The weatherman said it was sunny today,” I note, but he places an umbrella into my hand and squeezes.

My protector watches me as I step through the door before he heads back into the apartment. But I surprise him by popping my head back in. “Kim JunMeow~” I call.

He twirls around with pure bliss upon his face.

“If you don’t like that shirt, feel free to grab another one,” I chuckle.

Can’t concentrate in class. Can’t concentrate.

My friend, Lila, sniffs me. With raised brow, I distance myself. First, my mother sniffs me and now my best friend sniffs me…did I really smell like…

“What does sex smell like?” I pop the question, which causes Lila to choke on her coffee.

“Certainly not like you two,” a popular girl, seated behind us, overhears, and mocks, “You two reek of cat.”

“Oh, shut up,” I bark, roll loose leaf paper into a ball, and launch it at her.

“But…hey…to be honest…you do kinda smell like cat today. Trust me, I would know,” Lila whispers into my ear.

With the toss of my head, I groan, “It was pouring last night so I took home a lost cat.”

A loud gasp shrills from Lila’s lips; she bounces up and down in her seat. “Can I come over?! Can I come over?!?!”

“NO!” I accidentally shout louder than expected.

“Why?” the cat lover slumps.

“The cat isn’t there anymore,” I lie. Well, it isn’t exactly a lie…it’s only that the fact she can’t come over is because I’m hiding a testosterone filled human, who I suspect is a part-time nudist.

As soon as the professor dismisses the class, I pack my bag, wave a fleeting goodbye to my dear friend, and skip happily back home. Raindrops coat my skin; my little feet dances along the puddles. Twirling, twirling, I spin down the streets, in circles. My umbrella sends splashes of rainwater back onto earth like paint on canvas. It doesn’t even occur to me that I’m so over-the-moon until I spot my glowing reflection on a glass building. Kim Junmyeon may be strange but he fills a hole in my heart I never knew existed until today.

“I’m home! Which shirt did you pick out? It better one be one of my Victoria Sec—“ I scan the premise and toss my shoes off. “Kim Junmyeon?” I call, parading through my living room into my kitchen. I open my bedroom door and even checked the bathroom. My heart starts to sink. He said he’d…wait for me…

Just as I am about to slump against my couch, an intruder reveals himself.

“Meow~” the handsome white kitty comes up to my feet and rounds his furry paws around my ankle. His chubby cheeks snuggle against my skin, welcoming me back home.

A/N: Omg this chapter is so long. Junmyeon is so innocent & girl is so thirsty hahaha. Rereading the striping scene made me crack up.

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