#the cgi in this movie is the worst thing I’ve ever fucking scene and I’m not kidding
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I watched the god awful movie Planet Raptor solely for Ted so have some gifs from the bloopers/bts footage at the end of the movie
I love this dork
#I love Ted to death but he wasn’t good in this movie I’m sorry#I think it’s badness rubbed it on his performance#the cgi in this movie is the worst thing I’ve ever fucking scene and I’m not kidding#I’ve seen games from the 90s with 3D that looked better than the cgi in this movie#the bloopers are the best part#I love Ted he’s such a dork#ted raimi#planet raptor#my gifs#gifs
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Thoughts while watching the new School for Good and Evil movie
Btw spoiler for the Book:
Gavaldon looks good
Baby Sophie and Baby Agatha
Reaper my beloved
Seeing Agatha and Tedros absolutely hate on each other is the funniest thing ever if you know that soon later, they’re literally opsessed with each other
I absolutely love movie lady lesso
The school master is quite funny
Agatha is so fucking beautiful even in her gavaldon outfit.
On that note, the dresses and outfits in general aren’t how I imagined them but they’re still absolutely amazing. Outfit Departement poppef off
Hort is amazing. His looks. How he acts. Amazing.
Hester too. Both their castings are 10/10
Gregor my beloved, he just wants his own grocery store plz
“Well I failed beauty class”
“What part did you fail”
“Smiling”
Sophie randomly kissing someone💀
Tedros accent
Kinda would like Agatha and Tedros to have more banter but them talking is kinda cute. They skipped a stage and went immediately to how they interacted after the Trial by Tale
The blue forest isn’t blue :\
I hate movie beatrix. I also hate book Beatrix, so no issue
Awww Gregor is a Stymph :(
“Why don’t you go summon a clif and just off it”
HESTERS DEMON IS SO GOOD
Liked the wasps being included but not rlly that it was actually Rafal
“You’re not allowed to kill anyone until after graduation”
Plz don’t tell me Lady Lesso has a thing for Rafal. At this point Rafal is like the Forests whore. Plus she actually fought Rafal and wasn’t rlly fighting for him
Lady Lesso believing Sophie is gonna be powerful like she does in the books
The wish fish scene cgi is soo well omg
The lil girl😭
NOOOOOO GREGOR FUCKING DIES MY BOY JUST WANTED HIS GROCERY STORE
Hah get smacked Tedros
Great they now actually hate each other as they should have
LADY LESSO LOOKS SO FUCKING HOT IN JUST HER SUIT WITHOUT HER JACKET THING SHE IS WHAT I MEANT WITH “I LOVE WOMAN IN SUITS”
Tedros my dude why are you constantly trying to talk to Agatha, are you perhaps… IN LOVE
LESSO PUTS THE KEY THROUGH THEIR FREAKING FINGERS I-
Really liked the “everyone has their unike colour of fingerglow” better
SOPHIE IS OWNING OMG AND “You should see me in a crown” IS THE ONLY FITTING SONG FOR THIS WHOLE SCENE
“Nothing distracts me” MY ASS
I want to have a wingman as good as Agatha
Ohhoho Hester vs Beatrix
“Sophie we can do this, we’re good enough, we’re strong enough to protect each other” boy you’re gonna get your heart broken
Liked the version with the annual trial by tale better
Pumpkins aren’t fun didn’t you learn anything from the roses sophie
Yes Agatha help your future husband
Kinda sad how everything feels rushed but it’s understandable since you can’t pack a 600 page, slowl development book in a 2,5 hr movie and not cut or rush everything
Rafal looks like a very gay Dracula and I’ve been saying that ever since his pics got released
Don’t know what I’m thinking about the whole blood magic thing
“Do I look like I give a Shit about smiling” ANEMONE GOT A PERSONALITY YAYYYYYY
Yo they made Lady Lesso a reader why
Sophia Ann Caruso made an absolute amazing job at portraying Sophie especially witch Sophie
“She’s like my sister” bestie I don’t know how to tell you this
Agathas ever ball dress could’ve been a bit more spectacular. Like her entrance in the Circus of talents was breathtaking and the gown she wear at the ball in the movie isn’t really doing it any justice? She’s still very pretty tho
“You are my true love” “oh my god you’ve got the worst timing” heheheh
“I’m here with Agatha” No he’s not” plz she just wants to go back to her graveyard
Why does the never ball looks so much more fun
Yooo the arrows turning into daisy’s was also in the book wasn’t it
HESTER IS SO HOT IN HER RED DRESS
NEVER TEDROS HOLY SHIT
Tedros rlly keeps getting slapped
Nooo Rhian :(
The story line that Rafal influenced good is kinda odd, I liked the book line better cause it kinda makes more sense idk? Like, the storian is an entity that’s I guess thousands of years old and it made the brothers immortal in the first place and gave them their powers so how is Rafal able to influence it if it’s power is so big. It made more sense that he thought he’d be able to rule over it but can’t and good wins because of true love
They Put aspekts of the third book in there (Never after)
Gay Dracula is dead yay
Lady Lesso and Professor Dovey could be an amazing couple
“Hi there” “My heart belongs to another” heh screw you Beatrix, in germany we call this ‘gekorbt’
Tedros face is like “ yes plz stay I love you”
Their kiss is nice but I’m a sucker for a slow burn and making them kiss in the second book and make it so special was nice
THE ARROW AT THE END EUDJRHICNRJCJRJSIFNRJXKHFIDNFJZKBDUEICNTHSIZBFIFIRNHSYIFNR THE PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOKS SHOULD FREAK OUT RN
So my final opinion:
Pretty good movie, not too book accurate, casting was overall fitting. I did miss some stuff like the Circus of Talents or the Trial by Tale being an anual thing between students but I understand that it’s not easy to back everything included in a book into a movie. I wish they would’ve included the whole Sader part but again, probably time issues. The movie did feel kinda rushed but again book into movie is hard. But overall I really liked the movie especially because so many things were close to how I imagined them while reading
But obviously the books are always better
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nothing bad under the cut lmao i’m just writing out my thoughts on something and it got a little long
hm okay i think the reason i have a very very very high tolerance for media like tv shows and movies that are considered absolutely horrible is because like. i don’t really watch things anymore? like ever. with the exception of spn sometimes which is hardly a good piece of onscreen media. the only thing i really consume is books and i think that because of my lack of exposure to things happening on a screen i have kind of a hard time telling when people are bad actors or when a scene is badly directed or when the cgi sucks because you know. even the only video games i play are from the 90s/early 2000s. so any cgi after that looks Super Extra Cool to me. and i think it’s also because my criteria for judging whether or not i enjoyed something doesn’t actually depend on whether or not the scene was good it depends on whether or not the background music (usually orchestrated pieces in movies and things) hit well and at the right time. because. my brain is very. musically-oriented? i don’t know the actual right words for it because i’m tired and don’t actually care all that much but like to bring up two examples of godawful media: marvel movies and the divergent movies. the reason i can sit through the dryness and tastelessness of marvel movies with my parents whenever they want to go see one is because while the scenes themselves might be overdone and following the same script over and over i do have to hand it to them that not only do the composers serve absolute cunt almost every fucking time they write the piece but they nearly always manage to land the timing of the music as well so it isn’t like. awkward. or bad. or horrible. meanwhile the divergent series has some of the most godawful background music i’ve ever heard playing at the absolute worst times and it’s what makes it unwatchable for me. like i can sit through bad acting i can sit through bad writing i can sit through bad cgi but the second they fuck up the background music it’s like. i wish upon you a thousand horrible awful deaths.
another example is like. this one episode of spn. like genuinely it’s been kind of lingering in the back of my mind for two years now and i can say pretty much without hesitation that i believe it was one of the most horribly written episodes to come out of the series. and i’m not just saying that because one of my favorite characters died in it forget about that i don’t care about that i’m talking about like. the dialogue was bad almost every single fucking scene was bad the entire premise of the episode was bad the motives were bad and it literally did! not! make! sense! as a penultimate episode. genuinely it gets so bad towards the end that i can’t even finish it most of the time. but the BEGINNING of the episode had this fucking fantastic scene that was not only decently acted out but the fucking MUSIC. the MUSIC in the background this fucking beautiful little orchestrated piece was SO fucking good that it makes the entire scene come to life. at least for me. it was so short but it was GORGEOUS and were it not for the fact that i am a horrible procrastinator and my life is so busy i genuinely think i would’ve whipped out a DAW and composed it into a whole song instead of just a short little atmospheric piece by now. the timing was beautiful the song was beautiful it added to the atmosphere it wasn’t awkward or bad or anything even if the rest of the episode was absolute dogshit. like am i making sense here. i can put up with bad media because i don’t really have an eye for it at first glance and i need time to let it soak into my brain before i can really tell whether or not the acting was bad or anything like that but if the background music is good then i can put up with it no matter what. do you get me.
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My favorite parts from the SFX Good Omens issue:
“Perhaps surprisingly, our destination is the Garden of Eden...Here in the midst of the spectacular Atlantis Dunes and the worst drought in Cape Town’s history, is a little oasis of green that will be expanded later by the magic of CGI. This is where Adam and Eve eat (possibly) the most important apple in human civilization, and where angel Aziraphale (Michael Sheen) and serpent/demon Crowley (David Tennant) begin an unlikely millennia-spanning friendship as the representatives of their respective factions on Earth.” - Richard Edwards, SFX
“23 September 2010 was a red letter day in the history of Good Omens...After many years of trying to get the book made into a movie - most notably with Terry Gilliam at the helm - it was on this day, in a Cardiff restaurant, that Pratchett and Gaiman agreed that TV might have a better home for their story. ‘The Terry Gilliam one should have happened,’ recalls Gaiman...‘They had a really good script. Johnny Depp was going to play Crowley and Robin Williams was going to play Aziraphale, Madame Tracy and Hastur...[But] this was February 2002 - 9/11 had only just happened. He went around and said that it’s a funny film about the end of the world, and people said, “Go away,” and it died.’” - Richard Edwards, SFX
“Indeed, when streaming giants are throwing seemingly infinite quantities of cash at TV shows, we’re at a point where the only limitations to what goes up on screen is imagination. That’s exciting in many ways, but when you’re adapting a novel as beloved as Good Omens, it brings its own unique set of challenges. Just think about all those fans who feel like they know stuffy bookshop owner Aziraphale and his not-quite-as-cool-as-he-thinks BFF Crowley better than anyone else - and feel any deviation from the pictures in their mind is an aberration.” - Richard Edwards, SFX
“‘Good Omens absolutely belongs to the world,’ admits Gaiman. ‘Terry and I wrote a book that was 100,000 words, and that’s probably not more than 1% of the wordage of the total fan-fiction generated about these characters - even excluding the pornography. And I think that’s great. I love that. I’m pretty proud. When we started shooting, I did a post on Tumblr, and said, “Look, your head canon is your head canon. Nobody’s trying to fuck with that. We’re not coming in and saying ‘Our Crowley and Aziraphale is your Crowley and Aziraphale.’ You can still have a platonic Hamlet in your head after seeing five different Hamlets, with thin Hamlets and fat Hamlets and black Hamlets and white Hamlets and old Hamlets and young Hamlets. Your Hamlet can still be your Hamlet.” And that’s how I feel about Crowley and Aziraphale. We are lucky to have Michael Sheen and David Tennant,’ Gaiman adds, ‘the finest Welsh actor of his generation, and the finest Scottish actor of his generation. Watching them acting is like a fucking masterclass. I write something that I think is pretty good dialogue. I hand it to Michael and David, and it becomes better.’” - Richard Edwards, SFX
“Gaiman explains, ‘When I write a scene, the first thing I’m going to do is go to the book, and go, “Okay, what did we do? What are the great lines I need to keep in here? What’s key? What matters?” That’s occasionally been really weird - there’s at least one place where I found a huge goof in the book that I’m planning to quietly correct on future editions, without ever pointing it out to anybody, including you in this interview! You find that kind of thing when you get that deep into it. So there are a few jokes that I lost, where I went, “This is a thing of its time.” Or there were some lines that I looked at and went, “You wouldn’t let this line go through now. Therefore I feel no compunction in losing it.” And then there are other places where you go, “The book is our bible!”’” - Richard Edwards, SFX
“Neil Gaiman had never been a show runner before Good Omens and he says he’s unlikely to be one again. ‘I’m very much looking forward to retiring from show running,’ he admits. ‘I have promised my wife that I will go back to being the novelist that she married. And I look forward to that.’...‘I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve made,’ Gaiman adds. ‘Some bits are better than I could ever have dreamed. So it’s probably been worth it. On the other hand, I also look back at 20 months of not writing, no family life and all these ridiculously long work days, and I go, “Would I have done this for anything other than a promise to Terry to make it?” I don’t know. I might not have done this. It’s been work, you know? I occasionally remind myself that one reason I love being a writer was that you don’t have to get up too early in the morning!’” - Richard Edwards, SFX
“On paper Crowley’s the bad guy because he’s a demon. Do you see him that way? I don’t really see him as a villain. He would very much identify as a villain because that’s the team that he works for, and that’s what he’s supposed to be doing. And yet he keeps confounding that, because actually I think what’s the great charm of Crowley and Aziraphale is that they are not very binary. And that’s their great tragedy: over the thousands of years they’ve lived on Earth, they’ve sort of slipped from their primary mission. That’s, of course, what makes them such good friends. Although they wouldn’t even admit to being friends, and that’s what makes them the yin and yang for each other. Aziraphale is actually a bit of a bastard, and Crowley is quite kind-hearted at the end of the day. There are bigger villains in the piece than Crowley, and some of them are supposed to be the good guys!” - Richard Edwards Q&A with David Tennant, SFX
“What’s it like playing in a world of very personal beliefs and philosophies while also looking at these characters from a human point of view? Crowley’s very much within the infrastructure of Hell. Part of what I think is glorious about the way Neil sets these characters is, it’s supernatural but at the same time, it’s like an episode of The Office with the politics and the mundanities and the small-mindedness of the characters. From an acting point of view, that’s very easy to key into. Crowley is very much about his corner of existence, and protecting it.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with David Tennant, SFX
“How did you tap into Aziraphale’s personality? I decided that he’s someone who has an appreciation of craft and quality. Because he’s been around for so long, that’s something that he really responds to. Whereas Crowley just manifests his clothes, and is very much of the moment. Aziraphale has worn items of clothing over the centuries that he likes. And then if he’s an angel, and therefore a being of love, how does that affect his relationship with Crowley, someone who supposedly on the opposite team, but who he can’t do anything but love? What are the specifics of that in terms of how he relates to Crowley? You start to develop a very real person with very real qualities.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with Michael Sheen, SFX
“Did you approach playing Aziraphale and Crowley as if they were a kind of odd couple? I can’t imagine Aziraphale without Crowley. More than anything I’ve ever done, I can’t think about this character on his own - he only exists with Crowley. So from the very beginning, when we sat down at the table read, my Aziraphale was totally shaped by what David was doing as Crowley, and vice versa.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with Michael Sheen, SFX
“Does Aziraphale want to be Crowley a little bit? I think there are things about Crowley that he really admires and covets, but I don’t think that he wants to be Crowley. I think he just loves Crowley. He would never admit that, and Crowley would never admit that about Aziraphale. He admires certain qualities about him - he would like to be a bit more rock ’n’ roll, but he knows that it doesn’t really suit him. He also really enjoys being Aziraphale, I think.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with Michael Sheen, SFX
#good omens#I❤️GoodOmens!#sfx#sfx magazine#sfx good omens#richard edwards#neil gaiman#I❤️NeilGaiman!#terry pratchett#I❤️TerryPratchett!#david tennant#I❤️DavidTennant!#crowley#I❤️Crowley!#michael sheen#I❤️MichaelSheen!#I❤️Aziraphale!#aziraphale x crowley#crowley x aziraphale#ineffable husbands#I❤️IneffableHusbands!#masters of sex#mos
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The Best and Worst Things About Each MCU Movie
These are all just my stinky opinions. You are allowed to disagree, you are allowed to agree. Most of these are jokes anyway. I’m honestly just happy you’re reading this. Minor Spoilers Ahead!
Iron Man (2008) -
Best: This movie almost perfectly sets the tone for the entire universe that has at that point yet to have been created. Looking back, you can imagine the feeling of “Where are they going to go from here?” and I think that’s one of the most important things that this movie needed to accomplish.
Worst: What the fuck is Jeff Bridges doing? What’s his endgame here? I get he’s trying to take over Stark Industries but how’s he gonna do that from inside that giant metal suit he uses to kill people inside their cars?
Incredible Hulk (2008) -
Best: Tim Roth is in it and I think that is pretty cool.
Worst: I haven’t actually seen it, but the cgi looks god awful, what the hell.
Iron Man 2 (2010) -
Best: Sam Rockwell is so goddamn annoying in this movie and I think that’s amazing, he’s such a little stinker.
Worst: I remember basically nothing else about this movie except some guy talking about birds, idk.
Thor (2011) -
Best: It introduces Loki, probably one of the most beloved villains in the entire franchise.
Worst: This movie is so goddamn boring and it’s my least favorite and I hate it. Don’t @ me.
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) -
Best: The first good chunk of this movie is actually a really compelling character study on Steve Rogers and what makes him a good man. Seeing him basically being paraded as this propaganda figure and watching him struggle with this is one of the most compelling things about him as a person. Really wish they kept this up for the entire movie.
Worst: The red skull is really boring guys. He’s red, that’s it. Give me something else to work with man.
Marvel’s The Avengers (2012) -
Best: This movie proved that you can have a superhero team up with this many people and have it fucking work. It doesn’t matter if you hate or love this movie, you cannot deny the effects it has on the genre.
Worst: It’s shot like a bad CW show. It looks so ugly.
Iron Man 3 (2013)
Best: This one is actually my favorite of the bunch. Exploring the question of what makes Iron Man, the suit or the person, is shown really well here. I thoroughly dig it.
Worst: That scene where Harley flip flops about whether or not he really knows Tony makes me so irrationally angry.
Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Best: It’s slightly better than Thor, and I actually can feel myself start to have a good time whenever Loki’s on screen.
Worst: Once again, this movie is insanely forgettable. Christopher fucking Eccleston is in this movie and I could not tell you a single thing about this character.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) -
Best: This movie has one of the best hand-to-hand fight scenes in the entire MCU. You know the one I’m talking about. It gives me chills, I love it.
Worst: Having the government stand-in that Steve questions in the beginning of the movie actually be a front for N*zis that he can just beat up, and not an actual metaphor for the issues with the government today? You ain’t slick.
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 1 (2014) -
Best: This is the mcu movie basically anyone can enjoy. Anybody can watch this movie and find something to love about it. The characters, the messages about family and learning to be okay with feeling love, the jokes, hell, even the space setting. THE MUSIC. It’s the full package baby.
Worst: Chris Pratt has an unfortunate cameo in this one.
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) -
Best: I have a couple of things. A) The party scene where we get to watch the Avengers talk and be friends with each other and act like people. B) I love James Spader no matter what he is doing.
Worst: Why is everyone quipping? Why is the robot quipping? Why would they massacre my boy like that?
Ant-man (2015) -
Best: I want Paul Rudd to marry me, best dad in the mcu.
Worst: The moment Edgar Wright left this project.
Captain America: Civil War (2016) -
Best: Introduces two great characters, Spider-man and Black Panther. These two get a lot of love when it comes to designing their characters in this movie and it makes me very happy.
Worst: It made the fandom very unhappy and I don’t like picking sides. It feels like watching your many parents get divorced for two hours.
Doctor Strange (2016) -
Best: The magic looks really fucking cool in this movie. Also, the ending with Dormammu is up there for one of my favorite endings of an mcu movie. Having Doctor Strange actually outsmart the villain instead of actually fighting him is endlessly more satisfying.
Worst: Could not tell you a thing else about this movie other than I heard Tilda Swinton plays a character that’s probably not supposed to be white.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) -
Best: Guys, I gotta come clean about something. I actually like this one better than Volume 1. I know, I know, a good majority of people do not feel this way, but I feel a lot more emotionally attached to the movie, and that’s mainly because of two characters: Yondu Udonta and Rocket Racoon. Rocket realizing that he’s an asshole but his found family still loves him gets me, man. I can’t help it. Helps that Ego is a great villain as well. Also the cinematography is some of the best in the mcu.
Worst: No Howard the Duck.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) -
Best: I think the best thing about this movie is just the solidness of it all. No one part stands out as the best because most everything about this movie is pretty damn good. Michael Keaton will knock your socks off, go watch it.
Worst: Donald Glover is in it to tease a Miles Morales reveal, BUT NOTHING HAS HAPPENED ABOUT IT SINCE.
Thor: Ragnarok (2017) -
Best: Taika Waititi knows how to do shit right, lemme tell ya. Taking away Thor’s hammer from the beginning was probably one of the smartest choices in the movie, and this is a movie of smart choices.
Worst: Jeff Goldblum isn’t in it more.
Black Panther (2018) -
Best: Erik Killmonger is easily the best villain in a Marvel movie, and you can quote me on that. An amazing performance from Michael B. Jordan. It’s also the first Marvel movie I saw in theatres (I know, I was very late to the game)
Worst: Everett K. Ross is CIA propaganda and the last fight scene on the train tracks looks like shit.
Avengers: Infinity War (2018) -
Best: It’s really hard to sum up exactly what my thoughts are on this movie. I think one of the movie’s best qualities is the bigness of it. This movie feels huge, there’s a lot of different stuff to love here. If you like Wakanda, there’s a whole epic battle set in Wakanda. If you’re more a fan of the space stuff, we got a whole lotta space stuff. The best part of this movie is there’s probably gonna be something that everyone can enjoy packed in here.
Worst: I also think the bigness of this movie is also one of it’s larger weaknesses. Because there’s so much stuff in this movie, not all of it is fully fleshed out. Tony Stark gets a lot to do in this movie, but Steve Rogers sort of feels sidelined at parts. There’s a perfect balance that I don’t think was quite hit.
Ant-man and The Wasp (2018) -
Best: I still really love Paul Rudd in this movie, and I think his relationship with Cassie is still really cute. World’s Greatest Grandma indeed.
Worst: This movie really had its work cut out for itself, coming off the heels of Infinity War, so it sort of falls short in that respect. I don’t want to criticize it too harshly, it is what it is, nothing insanely memorable.
Captain Marvel (2019) -
Best: I still think this is a pretty good movie, despite what a lot of people think. I struggle a lot with believing that I have to prove myself to others, so having Carol finally realize that she doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone was really important to me, and probably a lot of other women.
Worst: There were parts where I wasn’t as engaged, like the scenes in the Kree empire. That made some of the movie feel off to me, it’s a bit unbalanced.
Avengers: Endgame (2019) -
Best: This movie 100% achieves what it sets out to do, and that is to be a huge cinematic event. I don’t even really see this movie as a movie, it’s more like one huge experience. My viewing had one of the most energetic crowds I’ve ever seen a movie with.
Worst: I don’t really think this movie holds up to multiple re-watches. Granted, I saw it in theatres three times. I don’t think any subsequent viewings are ever going to pack that same punch that my first viewing had, and that makes it harder to come back to. Also Steve had a totally lame ending.
Spider-man: Far From Home (2019) -
Best: After ending on such a downer note in the last movie, this felt like a weight being lifted off my chest. Jake Gyllenhaal gives an insanely energetic performance that I absolutely adore. (Also seeing it with my dad was fun, he would nudge me every time they switched locations to tell me he’d been there)(Also when I saw it with my sibling a kid ran out of the theatre during the Mysterio mind-fuck sequence, some just can’t handle that lifestyle)
Worst: Peter Parker and MJ remind me of how perpetually single I am.
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Zombie Movie: I Am Legend (2007)
“Here’s Karen at the health desk.”
Karen from the health desk. (Picture: A female news anchor, Karen from the health desk.)
Language warning (sorry kids, but this is an MA15+ movie).
I shit you not, that’s one of the opening quotes of the movies. So, friends and enemies, welcome to the longest review I’ve done of a zombie movie yet. It’s 1:35am here in Australia and I’ve just finished rewatching I Am Legend, everything’s fresh in my mind and I’m hyped up on chocolate.
This movie has incredible tension, a fresh take on the zombie apocalypse, and it’s based on the 1954 novel by Richard Matherson, which inspired the modern day vampire and zombie movies. Why you may ask? Because it popularised the concept of a worldwide apocalypse due to a disease... now I’m beginning to realise that watching zombie movies during a global pandemic maybe wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. Any who.
YouTube rewind made me forget how bloody good of an actor Will Smith is, and boy does he deliver in this movie. Robert’s (that his character, btw, though I will probably end up just referring to the character as Will Smith) interactions with Sam the goodest girl in the world (she’s a dog) and the mannequins is incredible.
The goodest girl in the world. (Picture: A dog (I’m sorry - I don’t know dog breeds! I’m 99% sure she’s a German Shepard) being given a bath and head scratches by Will Smith.)
Now: three things to look forward to in this “review” (assuming you read the spoilery section below). One: how realistic is this apocalypse? Two: there’s a dog. Three: zombie vampires. Vampire zombies?
Backgrounds details! (Picture: Will Smith opened the fridge. On the fridge door are photos of his wife and daughter, a calendar dated for December, a drawing with “Marley” written in kids handwriting, post-it notes, a pamphlet with the heading “Quarantine”, and a Time Magazine cover of Robert Neville (Will Smith). The title reads (heading) “Saviour?” (sub-heading) “Soldier, Scientist” (body of text) “In a Battle that Could Save Thousands of Lives, Lt. Col. Robert Neville Takes on the XV Virus.”
Also, there’s banging in my house at the moment and when I say I’m peaking. I’m going to need to listen to some music while I write this.
Read on for a fun time! Spoilers ahoy!
Realism (the really relevant part. Yikes)
Okay, so what’s this fresh take on the apocalypse? Basically, this doctor cures cancer and it all goes to shit from there. I’m not 100% on the logistical jump from “destroying cancer cells” to “humans (and animals) becoming bloodthirsty mutants that burn in the sun” - for instance, this is just my sci-fi high-school biology and physics brain working here, cancer is basically a rogue cell that mutates other cells and destroys them in the process, yeah? So if the doctor, like she said, uses these cancer cells to work for the body and in the process “cures” cancer, wouldn’t the humans just... infect each other and the virus would kill the host if it went south? Given, that did happen in like 90% of cases as Will Smith explains, but where does the sunlight allergy come in? Is cancer afraid of UV? Confused, but I digress.
... Is that my queen, Missy, from Umbrella Academy? (Picture: A woman with blood leaking from her eyes, holding a child and shouting for help.)
The scene where they’re listening to the radio and the guy is like we’re “issuing a military quarantine of New York City” I’m like bitch you wish. Unrealistic. The USA currently (9/10/2020) has the highest cases of COVID-19 in the world (for future historians and poor school children, it’s at 7.68 MILLION cases, no statistic for recovered cases for some weird ass reason, and sadly, 212,000 deaths. For reference, here in Australia we’ve had as of today 27,206 cases, 24,807 recovered and 897 deaths. New Zealand, who went into hard lockdown, had as of today, 1,864 cases, 1,800 recovered, and 25 deaths, with a period where there were 0 new cases for several days.)
Though, with that in mind, everyone going outside and gathering in large crowds? Realistic.
The actual movie part
Praises time! Will Smith has a stockpile of food. Also, him getting Sam (the dog) to eat her vegetables like she’s a little kid? Cutest thing ever.
Stockpilesss. (Picture: Will Smith wearing an apron and preparing a meal in a kitchen chock full of food items, including things like Pringles and spaghetti sauce.)
Setting alarms on his watch for sunset? Brilliant, smart idea, fantastic. Re-enforced windows and door, AND booby-trapped house? Incredible, genius. Setting traps to catch the zomvamps? (like the dumb name I just came up with? Don’t worry, I’ll reveal the stupid arbitrary name they ACTUALLY came up with later) Talent, intelligence.
Dude, why wouldn’t you restrain the head/chest? You know, the part that can bite you? (Picture: Will Smith in a lab coat standing over a female zombie-vampire who’s been secured to a metal bench by the wrists and ankles. Medical monitors are connected to her.)
Now, Will Smith is out here looking for a cure. And by looking, I mean actively creating. In a lab. He washes his hands before going in - *chef’s kiss* follow his example - and unlike other zombie movies where it’s super dramatic in the hunt for a cure, this is a lot more chill considering it’s a) been 3 years and b) is more like how science actually works. Trials, tests, animal test-subjects (there is a debate about the ethics of this which I won’t go into here) (I mean a debate in real life not in the zombie movie haha) and human test-subjects.
“Did you kidnap my girlfriend, bro?” (Picture: bald, pale muscular dude-bro-looking zombie-vampire roaring in rage.)
The mother-fracking zombies
I have to say it: these are the most dumbass looking vampire-zombies. I say vampire-zombies (zomvamps) because they avoid sunlight but also eat people?
Now, unlike most zombie movies, these are really bloody intelligent zomvamps. At one point, after setting a booby trap and catching a zomvamp after stumbling into a nest of them, Robert says “They’re not showing any human social behaviour.” Hahahaha. Okay bitch first of all dude bro screamed when you kidnapped his mate, secondly dude bro has pet dogs, thirdly dude bro fucking caught you in a trap. He took revenge on you there, love. He followed you home!
The zomvamps are apex predators, can climb, run, hunt in packs, communicate with each other, set booby traps, make coordinated attacks, follow you home, learn where you live and remember it, and holy fuck humans had no chance.
Thank you for clarifying, because I actually found this quite funny. Like, look at him! (Picture: dude-bro zombie-vampire from earlier growling in front of a flaming car. The zombie-vampires are very CGI, pale, fish-person looking things with pale skin and completely bald of hair. This guy is wearing ripped clothes. The caption reads “Growls menacingly”.)
Random things I have in my notes but haven’t mentioned yet (yes I took notes)
What’s with the apocalypse and mannequins? Looking at you, Five (Umbrella Academy).
(Picture: Will Smith looking at a “female” mannequin, who is dressed in a coat and black bob wig. They’re in a movie store. Funnily enough, behind the mannequin is the “Adult” section of the films.)
I agree with the fuck-that-shit sentiment when you see a mannequin suddenly appear in a different part of the city - like how in the hell??
(Picture: Will Smith aiming a rifle at a mannequin in an orange jumper. Mannequin is usually located outside of the movie store, yet here it is randomly in the middle of the street at the end of a T-section. There are tall glass windows behind the mannequin, and the window to the right has a giant, gaping pitch black hole in it. It’s presumed that there is a nest of zombie-vampires in there.)
... so is this a booby trap for humans or for zomvamps? Because the former makes sense if that dude bro zomvamp analysed Will Smith’s trap from earlier and remade it (hence dropped the car off a bridge to string him up), and the latter doesn’t really make sense because a) you’ll only catch (and probably kill) one zomvamp and why would you want only one unless you’re Robert and two why tf aren’t you meeting up with Robert he’s been broadcasting and racing around town hunting deer (elk?) in a sports car.
I’d like to know how hard it actually is to do like a weird sit-up and get yourself free of one of these kinds of traps. Am I dumb for thinking it’s not that hard? (Picture: Will Smith is suspended in the air by a rope tied around his ankle, the result of a booby-trap. He’s struggling to free himself.)
Come on, you’re literally a doctor and a soldier. Don’t tell me you’re actually considering pulling that out? (Picture: Will Smith has been impaled in the leg by something. It looks like he’s about to attempt to pull it out. He’s in the middle of the street as the sun sets, and Sam is right next to him.)
Sam is a queen. Here are some photos of her.
(Picture: Robert Neville’s wife carrying a baby Sam - Sam is a puppy, by the way, and very adorable. Neville’s young daughter is walking out of the gate to their house behind her mother.)
(Picture: Will Smith in a flashback saying goodbye to his wife and daughter and crying. Sam is licking away his tears.)
Sometimes I hate foreshadowing. (Picture: Will Smith searching a house. He opens a cupboard and there’s a newspaper article with a picture of a zombie-vampire dog. The article reads “Infected dogs can come out at dusk. Stay in the light.” There’s a number to call for questions.)
Worst birthday ever. Now I’m sad and there’s still half the movie left.
(Picture: Will Smith sitting on the floor of his lab, hugging Sam, who’s just been bitten by infected dogs.)
Get Shrek’d.
(Picture: The ‘Shrek’ movie playing on the TV in Neville’s house.)
Ma’am, do you not know how to ration? That is such a waste of food. (Picture: the woman and kid who rescued Will Smith have cooked breakfast. She’s cooked way too many scrambled eggs for two adults and a kid, and all the of the bacon for literally no reason.)
Oh yeah, wanna know what they call the zombies in this movie?
Dark Seekers. They dropped that one on us well into the final half of the movie. Dark Seekers? Really? I won’t get into how dumb that sounds when you had two options to choose from - vampires and zombies. Hell, go with my suggestion of zomvamps, even vampzoms. Dark Seekers? Sorry, I get hung up on dumb zombie-alternative names. Sure, I get the atmosphere might be ruined by calling them vampires or zombies, but not even lying I didn’t realise she said “Dark Seekers” until I turned the CC on to grab a quote. I thought she said “Dog Keepers” hahahaha. “The dog keepers got them.” My defence is that the dude bro did keep dogs.
Finally, wrapping this up at 2:15 before I add in pictures, you’re telling me approximately 100 zomvamps made a coordinated attack on Will Smith’s house to eat... 3 people? That’s like me and a hundred mates descending on the pentagon for a fucking snickers bar. We’d get like an atom each.
Oh, what’s that? They’re here to rescue one person? Really? Really? How in the fuck are they even zombies if their primary purpose isn’t to eat humans. I’m disappointed. But points for a fresh take, at least.
Now one of the things I remember about this movie is that is has an alternate ending. The actual ending (huge spoilers but then again, you’re in the spoiler section) has Will Smith sacrifice himself (read: blow himself and the zomvamps up with a grenade) to defend the cure and save his new friends. The alternate ending, which was scrapped due to negative audience reaction, has Will Smith communicate with the zomvamps who like actually calm down and listen to him. He gives the dude bro back his friend, and... no one dies.
I’m sorry, how is an ending where, sure, a cure isn’t found YET, but, the “villains” of the movie are humanised and a new side of them is seen that shows, hey, maybe there’s another way through this apocalypse, better than an ending where Will Smith dies? Make it make sense test audience. Because, remember, there’s still a whole bunch of immune people living out here, and three of them are currently in the same room. Robert’s only been working on the cure for 3 years. How many years do you reckon it takes to cure cancer? Hint: it’s ongoing in real life. Just because the cure isn’t found in the movie doesn’t mean it won’t be found. Ughhhh. I digress again.
I have more random photos but I am very tired. If anyone’s interested in hearing me roast butterflies, the world not actually ending in 2012, and a missed pun about Until Dawn (even though it was made like ten years after this), and a quick analysis on Robert Neville and God, let me know :)
Have a great day everyone, wash your hands, social distance if possible, and quarantine. Just because the COVID-19 virus isn’t turning us into zombies doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting us.
Worldwide statistics, 9/10/2020: 36.2M total cases, 25.3M recovered, 1.06M deaths.
(Picture: Will Smith saying “I like ‘Shrek’ after just quoting an entire scene of it to win a kid’s trust.)
#zombie#movies#I Am Legend#Will Smith#vampires#zombies#Dark Seekers#quarantine#doggos#shrek#apocalypse#mannequins#The Umbrella Academy
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An entirely objective rewiew of episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
Legend: red is bad (or rather: dumb shit I can't ignore), blue is objective good, black is neutral and orange is random shit I love (aka subjective good).
Okay, the exposition following the title crawl just makes me feel like I've somehow missed a movie, or two. All of this happened in the span of, what? A couple months? A year? We aren't told.
I was going to ask why Kylo Ren was even looking for Palpatine in the first place, but you know what? I don't really care. I won't complain about Ben in this movie.
Palpatine can see the future, right? That's the only way this makes sense. I mean, he's telling Kylo to "kill the girl" (and presumably become Emperor of the Galaxy?) but... why? Later, he'll want Rey to kill him and become Empress, but then he'll just want to kill her, too. Is Palpatine an idiot, or is he just insane?
"She's not who you think she is." Honey, she's not who the screenwriters thought she'd be.
I genuinely love the Finn/Poe/Chewy/Rey dinamic in this movie. They don't feel like friends yet (which they shouldn't), but there's still a camaraderie and genuine caring for one another there. It's great.
"How do we thank you?" - "Win the war."
Rey is a badass, as per usual. Also, I love how Kylo's just fucking with her here. That girl could cut him in half.
"Somehow Palpatine returned." The 'somehow' is a key word there.
Oh, good, Rose is a non-character now.
While I adore the actors' chemistry, Rey doesn't really need this big of a party to come with her. Chewy's the co-pilot, so his presence is justified, then Finn could come as well and use the blasters, Poe too, because him and Finn didn't get enough screentime in the last movie, but the droids? No. Have them stay with Leia. We don't need C-3PO explaining everything to us, thank you very much.
Oh, yeah. That reminds me.
C-3PO.
They're foreshadowing C-3PO and Leia's deaths so hard here.
The mother-daughter dinamic between Leia and Rey is good. That's all.
That mask was left in pieces. Is it even possible to fix at this point?
Oh, cool, the Knights of Ren exist. For about three minutes of screentime.
The humor in this movie works pretty well for me. Hux's assurance that Kylo looks, in fact, great, is gold.
The New Guy.
"Serving another master?" - "No." Um, yeah? Yeah, you are. What is your plan, Kylo Ren? Because, to me, it see that y- Oh, yeah, I've promised to leave him be. Shit.
A simple conversation would have made this movie so much shorter and so, so much better. "Oh, hey, Rey. Where you off to?" - "Yo, Ben. Oh, you know, looking for Palpatine so that I can kill him." - "Oh, cool. That was my plan, too. Wanna come with?" - "Sure." - "He's your grandfather, btw." - "Cool. Wanna rule the Galaxy?" - "Sure.
Rey's over here casually cutting ships into pieces.
Also, I love how people complain that Rey is OP in this scene, while Kylo just strolls away from a burning husk of a ship, unscathed.
"The inscription that was on the dagger is in your memory?" Yeah, that's how computers works, Poe.
Also, I love how no one cares about shat C-3PO thinks/wants. These characters and this script dislike him as much as I do.
The No-Thank-You droid is adorable.
"You were a spice runner?" - "Were you a Stormtrooper?"
Babu Frik. Baby Yoda ain't got nothing on this guy.
Daisy Ridley is sooo so good in this movie.
"Does she do that to us?"
"I pushed you in the desert-" Baby, you struggled in the desert.
The directing of this scene is so good!
"I'm the spy." (I love it 'cause it makes me laugh. Hux is such a petty little shit that he'll join the Resistance just to see Kylo lose. I appreciate that."
Rey being a Palpatine bothers me about as much as the CGI Carrie Fisher, which is to say: a little bit.
"People keep telling me they know me; I'm afraid no-one does" with Kylo Ren's leitmotif playing in the background. *chef's kiss*
That blade is the most plastic-looking thing I've ever seen. (The Wayfinder)
"Babu Frik! He's one of my oldest friends." Alright, 3PO, that was pretty funny.
I have literally nothing to say about the next fifteen minutes, or so. I feel bad for these actors. Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver have gorgeous chemistry, and though they're trying their damndest, you can kind of tell that they're weary of these movies by now.
Two words: Harrison fucking Ford.
This scene.
"I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it."
Good job, honey. Now you have no weapon for the final battle. Takes after Anakin, this one.
Every ship is a Star Destroyer.
"A Jedi's weapon deserves more respect."
The reverse Kylo Ren leitmotif that's within Rey's theme playing while Rey is wondering why everyone trusts her despite her being a Palpatine is kind of cute.
As I watch the Resistance/First Order battle unfold, I can't help but wonder why they can't just- sign a peace treaty. How long has this war been going on for? Surely, they must've gotten bored of fighting.
Oh, but I do love the design of Palpatine's throne.
"I never wanted you dead. I wanted you here." I feel like you don't really know what you want, sir.
I love how confused Rey looks while Palpatine talks about how much she apparently hates him.
Ben's just been chillin' for the past 20-ish minutes. I like the redeemed theme they've made for him, though.
Why are the Knights of Ren here? They should be loyal to their Master, no? Also, Ben, honey, you have the Force. You've used it in the first movie to stop a blaster shot mid-air. Surely, levitating six people way up in the air, then letting them fall into the chasm below can't be much more difficult.
This battle. Also, I love how the Knights back the fuck up when Rey sends Ben the saber.
And now he wants to be the Emperor. WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Ow. That's- that's a broken spine right there. Good thing our dude's indestructable.
I realize I'm quoting Sideways here, but seriously, why don't they play the Force Theme when Rey communicates with every Jedi ever?
The final scene between Ben and Rey (minus the kiss - y'all know how I feel about shoehorned romance). It's still so, so beautiful. This scene is more beautiful than this movie - nay, this franchise - deserves.
Oh, is the Stormtrooper lady Lando's daughter? That's... You know what, actually? I don't care.
The ending is so damned strange. She just returned to Jakku, disposes of Leia's and the Skywalker lightsabers (rude!), steals BB-8 and just- nothing.
I do like her new lightsaber, though. It suits her.
Yeah, there's one Skywalker missing next to Luke and Leia. I guess that Rey just didn't give a shit about him, huh? Oh, well.
This movie is odd to me. Many people hate it, some like it, but I'm in this in-betweeny stage. I like it more than The Last Jedi, but only because I don't observe these two movies as agregates, but more as collections of good and bad scenes (since they both feel scrapped together), and thus, RoS just has more elements which I like, though it's objectively the worst movie of this trilogy. Rey is the best she's ever been, Ben Solo is *chef's kiss*, Poe is awesome, Finn is... there (the underdevelopment of this character is still the worst thing they've done), but he does have some good moments, some of the side characters are pretty great (the long helmet lady and Babu Frik come to mind immediately), the music is always a highlight and... yeah.
As for the negatives, Palpatine is right up there. His plan is stupid. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Other than that and the demolition of Rose Tico, everything else are nitpicks for me. This movie could have been great only if they'd scrapped this story entirely and either:
a) made an entirely new movie and utilized some of the original concepts they had, or
b) made at least two new movies with the ideas presented here.
Overall, I've enjoyed this movie. It's one of those movies which I can watch after a long day of studying to relax my brain a bit, one that is supposed to be thought about as much as the scriptwriters have done - which is to say, a bit.
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I watched the trailer for Motherland on YouTube and it was really really ironic (and very irritating) reading the comments...
Almost all of the women were talking about how cool and fun it looked and how they wanted to watch it and were excited for a female forward and female based show that was also pretty epic with fight scenes and action.... while most of the men were shittalking the hell out of it and how the "effects were bad" and "oh wow, now more women will start thinking they're witches!"
🤦♀️ Women forreal can't have a damn thing without men finding SOMETHING to nitpick out of it. Yet they can have 100s of superhero movies that all follow the same basic plot line and all have the same "hero wins!" ending and they always act like it's the greatest thing in the world and there's NO problems with the production or anything! (Yea right)... 🙄
I'd also like to mention that I LOVE shitty movies. I think they're great! Old shitty, terribly made movies are some of my favorite things to rewatch. I don't understand this culture of men who think that the CGI has to be beyond "perfect" and the plot has to follow THEIR agenda and what THEY think should happen and it's very stupid and ridiculous to me that so many people follow this cancel culture bullshit without even knowing it. Like no, the show or movie or whatever isn't PERFECT. BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE!! It can be a GOOD SHOW without having to fit your RIDICULOUS standards!! It can have the worst, most orange fake blood I've ever seen but I might still find it a GREAT FUCKING MOVIE!!
Also, STOP hiding your sexism and racism behind "I'm just being critical." NO👏 YOU👏 ARE👏NOT!! You're a sexist and/or racist piece of garbage... at least have the decency to own up to it.
I have an uncle who went to watch the newest Spiderman with my cousin when it came out... and upon seeing it starred a black kid he literally got up and walked out of the theater!! He tried to claim it was because it was an "animation".... then why were you fine with the posters and everything until you saw it was a black kid?? Don't fucking try to hide your racism. (This isn't the only thing that let's me know he's racist, he says some nasty shit all the time. He's extremely sexist too.)
I've had guys comment on a post I made about A Wrinkle in Time (which is a children's movie based off of a children's book series that I read when I was a kid!) And they started talking shit about it... when it's a CHILDRENS STORY!?!? I don't understand these stupid ass bullshit standards! It's a KID STORY! WTF did you expect and WHY did you expect some grand scheme or something??? From a kids book!
Uuugghhh 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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In Defense of The Rise of Skywalker
Or...how I learned to stop hating and enjoy a movie
Spoilers and random thoughts below the cut.
I hate the abomination that was/is The Last Jedi. Let’s get that out of the way. I’ve already explained the hundreds of reasons why, the biggest and most unforgivable being the character assassination of Luke “I call him Jake” Skywalker and the invalidation of every victory of the OT. I resent this making people lump me into a “gatekeeper” sect, or accuse me of racism (Rose was annoying and ruined Finn’s heroism, jeopardizing hundreds of lives for her own selfish reasons without building up a convincing romance and blah blah etc). It has nothing to do with her gender, race, or anything. It has to do with poor character development and inconsistent motivations/messages.
I’m also not a huge fan of The Force Awakens, mainly for its lack of originality and the treatment of Han/Leia, but otherwise I thought it was OK. I liked Finn, wanted him to become a Jedi, found Poe to be a worthy heir to our antihero mold. Rey left me indifferent and Kylo Ren was a temper-tantrum throwing teenager, but anyway...
Let’s keep that as background/context and not get bogged down.
Since they announced the title of this movie, I have been livid with rage. How dare they use my man’s name to sell their disgusting imitation of a beloved universe? I was certain, ever since it was announced, that Rey would take Luke’s surname, despite having treated him so horribly in TLJ, despite having done nothing to earn it, despite having spent far more time with Leia, so if anything a Solo/Organa family name would make more sense. It was just to sell tickets and I was furious.
I read all the spoilers. Worst fears: confirmed. I looked at leaked photos. I raged over the inanity of the plot and the sad conclusion to the Skywalker Saga, which in my mind will always end with ROTJ.
Still, I love Mark Hamill, and I decided to treat this film as a MH film. The completist in me required theatrical viewing. Rare to get our man in a cinematic release. So I went, ready to hate watch, prepared to dull the bitterness and betrayal with wine.
But….JJ Abrams directed a fix it fic. And it’s good. This film not just address the real injustices and horrible story decisions of TLJ, but also addresses some of the major problems of TFA too.
I tried to go in with an open mind, but obviously I had many preconceived notions, and already knew almost every single story point and character beat. I was ready to roll around in my hate and slam the abomination. I want to emphasize that I am one of those people that was COMPLETELY prepared to hate EVERYTHING about this.
There are flaws.
But there is so much that is great.
I really really liked it.
No one is more shocked than I at my own reaction. I was ready/willing/wanting/primed to hate everything about this. Please keep that in mind. Hahah and no one is paying me to write this post 😉
I decided to write this because I also read all the negative critical reviews online from the pro critics yelling FAN SERVICE. And I’m like…damn straight? Ever since George Lucas made Han shoot second, fandom has understood that we understand this franchise better than film executives. We aren’t concerned with adding an extra dewback or improving special effects. We love these films the way we first experienced them, and they cannot and should not be “improved” to the ultimate detriment of the brand.
I’m here to tell you that the critics are not being fair. The spoilers on reddit were true, but the movie works. Let’s accept, before we go further, that Abrams couldn’t entirely rewrite the mess that he stepped into/helped create. So I can’t defend the fact that Finn isn’t a Jedi yet or the mess that is the new Rebellion/failure of the old. I, like many fans, wish we had been given a different/better story from the beginning. Sadly, we were not.
That is something we don’t have to accept (I certainly don’t consider these films “canon” in my mind—Mara Jade forever!) but let’s approach this film in the spirit it seems to be intended: An attempt to address the very valid criticisms loudly voiced about the others in the trilogy, with the caveat that we are stuck with TFA and TLJ no matter how much we hate them.
First, the music is amazing, as we all knew it would be. The acting is stellar.
Some of the things Abrams “fixed:”
“Rey is perfect/Mary Sue/good at everything”. There is a conscious effort in this film to show her training, with Leia as her Master. There is a good scene foreshadowing her final struggle, where she strains to hear the voices of Jedi past and fails. There are several signs that she is not a Jedi yet, including how Palpatine talks about her, and perhaps my favorite, when she tells Leia she hasn’t earned Luke’s lightsaber.
Me: Damn straight you haven’t.
And Leia AGREES, keeping Luke’s weapon because Rey isn’t ready for it. She’s still learning.
Further proof of her non-Jedi status, when Rey is killed, she doesn’t join the Force. She is a corpse. On the other hand, Ben Solo, once redeemed, disappears as we would expect a good Jedi to do. A clear distinction between the two of them.
And speaking of Leia:
Leia’s character: TFA and TLJ Leia is weak and sends other people to fight, whereas our brave Princess from the OT is volunteering for suicide missions, grabbing weapons from the hands of her rescuers, and running into danger for a good cause. It always bothered me that she didn’t go after Kylo herself (or with Han). In this, we see her as a Jedi Master, training Rey, with her own lightsaber. Leia is once more a badass, true to her character. A legitimate Jedi who also joins the Force (although not sure why it took her so long post-mortem, that was weird).
Luke’s character: Hello, I am A LUKE FANATIC. The biggest sin of TFA and especially TLJ was this idea of Luke hiding out and becoming the disgusting, pessimistic coward he was shown to be. Abrams ignores this pretty much entirely, starting with the revelation that Luke was actually going on missions with Lando to hunt for a Sith artifact to help the Rebellion. Luke kept notes, he was busy and ACTIVE. He wasn’t giving up; he was leaving a trail to help anyone who followed. The best ‘fuck you’ in the whole movie was Luke catching Anakin’s lightsaber when Rey throws it away. The ultimate rejection of his TLJ characterization.
Luke’s conversation with Rey echoes very much the ROTJ “you must confront Vader” conversation. There are many echoes of ROTJ but given the restrictions on what we are working with, I accepted this parallel. Much like Luke had to face his unfortunate inheritance, so must Rey. It’s not terribly original, but these films aren’t.
I also loved the simple line “I was wrong” when Rey asks why he did what he did in TLJ. This to me is simply “Rian Johnson was wrong/The Last Jedi was wrong.” There is no excuse that is acceptable, but this is a filmmaker acknowledging an injustice, and I appreciated it. (Did I mention these films are not canon for me? They aren’t, just giving credit for this attempt.)
Han’s character: I hated SO MUCH how they turned Han into a failure in TFA. A buffoon, not even a good smuggler anymore, a failure as a father, a husband. When I heard he was going to be in this I was like HUH? But this “memory” of his father that Kylo Ren sees after Rey heals him and departs, after he’s lost his mother, is another attempt to redeem the injustice to Han’s character. Han is the one in the movie who brings Kylo Ren back to the Light, not Rey. It is a very short scene, but effective. The acting is poignant, with the “Dad” working for me. Maybe I’m a softie. But I appreciated this brief proof that Han Solo, in the end, didn’t suck as a father, and ultimately, even as a hallucination, inspired the love that saved his son.
Chewbacca got a medal: I said Abrams was fixing things in the sequels, but I admit I was choked up to see this fixit from A New Hope. Finally Chewie gets the medal he is LONG overdue.
Team dynamic with the new characters: Finally we understand why these people care about each other. They go on shared adventures, they have banter (and some good jokes, not the stupid bathos of TLJ), and there is finally some sense of camaraderie that was discarded in TLJ. There are several references to Rey’s “new family,” clearly referring to this band of Rebels, and it was far more compelling than in earlier films.
Finn’s Force Sensitivity: I, like many, desperately wanted Finn to be a Jedi. Since TFA, it seemed inevitable! I loved how he used the lightsaber, how he seemed to have Force abilities (that were never really explored). TLJ ignored that potential completely, sidelining him on that stupid Canto Bight quest and pulling him away from Rey. There are so many signs that he is destined to be a Jedi in this film, I was thrilled to see them. Knowing things without explanation, doing amazing things, sensing things, trusting his feelings, it’s another ‘fuck you’ in my opinion, to RJ for ignoring this former stormtrooper’s destiny in favor of overblown set pieces and pointless CGI theatrics. When he says, towards the end “I can feel it,” I wanted to fist pump. YOU GO BE A JEDI FINN! THE FORCE IS WITH YOU. Personally, I would have loved for Finn to be the main protagonist of all three films, but I appreciate us getting what we got, since we can’t get what we want.
Stuff that worked:
The Wedge cameo: Yeah.
Lando: Wonderful. His dialogue, especially at the beginning, does a lot to fix our view of Luke.
Kylo’s redemption: See above re: Han. I’ve seen a lot of criticism about the kiss. I get the whole “female character’s purpose is to validate the evolution of the male” criticism, but I want to point out a couple things about this. First of all, it’s not a “Reylo” kiss. Kylo is gone. This is well after Kylo is redeemed. He’s been of the Light for a while before this, it’s clearly Ben at this point. It’s also obvious Rey knows that, and like Luke forgave Vader for his abuse, she forgives Ben Solo for his. So I understand also the criticism that is making people puke about Rey kissing her abuser, but again, Luke sheds tears for the father he loves, who maimed and traumatized him. Star Wars is about redemption and forgiveness that accompanies it, and I don’t have the same issue with this. If she kissed KYLO without him being redeemed before he died, for example, I would be disgusted. This is not that.
The cinematography/pacing/story: So many critics and the spoilers made it sound like this was a convoluted mess. I went to see it with a non-native English speaker and neither of us had any trouble following the plot. Yeah, a lot happens, but it all is linear and consistent within the film.
The humor/dialogue: Felt way more Star Wars-y and better placed than the last two films.
The Jedi Helping Rey: As much as I thought I would hate this, it was really well done, largely, I think, due to the foreshadowing during her earlier training. When Palpatine says all the Sith live in him and we know what she’s gonna say but it still works SO WELL. I was rooting for her and I’ve never been a huge fan. But at that climactic moment, I was a believer.
Major flaws
Of course there are some. For me the most major:
A Jedi Strikes Not In Anger: In every single lightsaber battle (pretty sure, I only saw the film once), Rey is the first to strike. She always seems to be fighting from anger and with negative emotion. This is not at all Jedi-esque and I found it particularly jarring in her duels with Kylo Ren. This bothered me more than almost anything else in the film because it is never addressed. She fights ANGRY and she fights FEARFUL and then somehow when she’s supposed to strike down Palpatine, she has it in her to resist. This, above all else, makes me not like her as the “heir to the Jedi”. I thought it was a real problem, and makes her ultimate evolution at the finale less convincing.
Rey Skywalker: I get why they did it, but I stand by my earlier thoughts regarding taking the Solo or Organa name. I have nothing against adopted families. And I found it SLIGHTLY more palpable because since the Emperor refers to Ben as “the last Skywalker” and then since he transfers his entire life force into her, you can argue that she has “Skywalker” literally in her spirit now. OK fine. But I still don’t really think she earned it. She came CLOSER than I thought she would and I didn’t ultimately want to burn down the cinema as I expected I would want to.
Force Resurrection: No. Just no. This changes so much and makes so much of the earlier films moot. Why wouldn’t Anakin just resurrect Padme? Don’t get me started.
Other random new Force things: Like Force Ghosts touching shit. Yeah I know Obi Wan sat on the tree in Dagobah, I know, but we keep learning new and more powerful Force shit each film. Teleportation of objects (that lightsaber?!), astral projection, rapid healing, and now playing catch with your ghost friends. I get they are important to the story but it feels lazy. But my exception here was Luke catching the saber because FUCK YOU RJ. 😊
Redemption=Death: I wanted Kylo Ren to die for his sins too, but I recognize this strange thing we have going on in the GFFA that if a baddie goes good they die. It’s the equivalent of the horror movie “fuck and the killer gets you” trope. I didn’t necessarily mind Ben dying, but it seemed … lazy.
The final shot: It was a mistake to even touch this iconic moment. It wasn’t earned. Make your own legend/iconic moment and leave my farmboy his.
Something no one can fix: The sucky destinies of Luke Jake, Han, and Leia. They didn’t live happy lives, they didn’t see the end of tyranny, they all died with only the hope of success. I will never forgive the attempted destruction of the legacy of the OT (attempted cause it’s still how it all ends in my world), this disregard of the triumph of the Rebellion over the Empire, and I will never believe that the New Republic failed so completely and miserably. Bring on the EU/Legends and forget this shit.
Final thought: I went to this expecting the cinematic equivalent of a back alley abortion and instead I got what felt like an apology. An entertaining and polished and sincere apology. We deserved better, and I think the people who made this film realized that and did their best. TROS had to wrap up something that was divisive and imperfect and misguided, and tried as hard as it could, in my opinion, given what they were working with.
It was a good movie. Ambitious, with flaws, but I am glad I saw it, and I hope you will be too. <3 May the Force be with you.
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Rocketman Watch #4 Thoughts
i have so many MORE thoughts can you believe it wow here we go
(i wrote these as i watched it so they’re in order im p sure)
man, his intro monologue during group therapy is just as gripping as it was when I first watched it. And the transition to the bitch is back is so fuckin good. My palms are sweating.
There’s some commentary about forgiving and loving your inner/past child, but I don’t have the words for it at this moment. In the beginning he’s staring down, confused and scowling at his child self, but at the end, he embraces him in a way his father and loved ones never did.
Was he in therapy/rehab WHILE touring and doing music? Stomping into the room in his regalia would have me believe so. I know group therapy was a medium for storytelling. Was it just signaling the very beginning of his story, because we go through different stages through his actions and clothing changes?
Lmao I imagine it must take some pretty cool parents to allow their, like, six or seven year old child to be in this movie. He said bitch so many times.
Took me a hot second to realize the orchestra he’s conducting is playing Rocket Man. The violins are so pretty. Imagine being picked to be in the orchestra on set and getting smile up at the tiny little kid who played Elton. My heart would absolutely swell seeing a little kid being so fantastic at this really intense job.
Kit Connor did amazing in his role. He’s fifteen and he’s already done so much! Imagine growing up knowing you played Elton John as a kid. Getting to work alongside him and his husband and the dozens of incredible actors. Wowie. I’d never shut up about it.
I LOVE how 12 year old Elton is playing the piano SO HARD and is trying to rock out as hard as he can while playing classical music. The boy wanna ROCK dammit.
HE GLANCED UP THE TINIEST BIT WHEN THE MAN ASKED IF ANYONE HAD A FAG (slang for cigarette)
SATURDAY NIGHTS ALRIGHT GIVES ME CONSTANT CHILLS FROM THE START TO FINISH
WOOOW SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD ELTON IS CUTE AS HEEELLLL. The hair, glasses, and front tooth gap fit Taron so well. Goddamn I hope I look like 17 year old Elton some day.
The choreography for this number is absolutely breathtaking. You have to get that many people all in sync! We followed Elton running through the crowd and AAHHH it was a lot! The athleticism! And they did it in the rain! Wow I’m blow away.
Elton is JAMMIN in the back of the stage. It’s really sweet to see his smile and enthusiasm and his brain thinking and working.
That guy in the back peed a LOT lmao
I was wondering where thank you for all of your loving came in.
Charlie Rowe plays Ray Williams, and he also plays LEO ROTH from Red Band Society!!! The first time I watched the movie, I KNEW him from somewhere, but I couldn’t place it and it was driving me nuts. Man. RBS was a big crutch during the worst lows of my ED. Had no idea he was English.
Love to see how shy Elton was as a teenager. It’s a hot ass mood. Also, those silk scarves? Ascots? idk but they’re a LOOK.
“One frothy coffee, no froth.”
The acquaintances-to-best-friends montage set to Border Song *chefs kiss*
Rock And Roll Madonna Is A Perfect Song Send Tweet
Lmao Elton is NOT phased at all when he gets accused of being gay. He’s just like. “Nah. I’m like. Not.” Not overly defensive and surprised, like I’m sure other people would be lmaooo
STUMBLING HOME DRUNK WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A MILESTONE IN TEENAGEHOOD!!!!!!!
“You are a ssSSHHIIIITT HOT piano player—”
So delicate of Bernie the way he politely denied a kiss from him. It wasn’t weird or tense at all. Just a gentle “love you, but not that way. It’s okay” Some people may not be able to handle it that well even today.
Taron’s got nice thighs. That robe & underwear getup is a nice look.
Love love LOVE hearing him experiment with Your Song on the piano to find a melody that worked.
Honestly what the shit do these songs even mean. Bernie sometimes these words don’t make any sense. Don’t worry, they still slap. “See I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue” like what
AMOREENA IS A PERFECT SONG SEND TWEET
Doug flirting with Bernie makes me snort every time. “Oh, really? That’s.. cool.”
THE TROUBADOUR OUTFIT IS GOOD AS SHIT!!!!!!!!
“NO, BERNIE. YOU ARE UNDERREACTING.”
Taron was right. The overalls do make his ass look massive.
A week ago before this movie I was sick and fuckin TIRED of crocodile rock but now I can’t get enough of it. The movie transformed a lot of old songs I was sick of for me.
Imagine being a kind of shy, nervous kid, terrified to go on stage, but two and a half minutes later the entire venue is LOSING IT because they love the jam YOU WROTE. how cool for Elton.
I want a best friend platonic cheek kiss :(
Hmmmmm I’m wondering if they used the studio recordings that went on the album for the movie or have different movie-specific recordings. Tiny Dancer sounds a teeny bit different in the movie version.
Goddamn I sure hope Taron got to keep that jacket.
“So you liked the song, then?” “Not as much as the singer” *Elton glances away in gay panic*
LMFAO John said some weird colorful words to Elton that barely made sense and he was like OH FUCK GOTTA KISS HIM GOTTA KISS HIM
I’ve talked so much about the sex scene I don’t need to go on about it here. Go search the rocketman tag on my blog for my extensive gay thoughts about it.
Now I know glasses come OFF during sex
oh oh oh I was wondering where Hercules fell in the movie. I love how the songs he’s writing or getting notoriety for is played over the transition scenes.
Elton’s hand on his hip, knowing smirk as John enters the studio. “Hello.”
Bernie is like “HELLO are we RECORDING or are y’all gonna FUCK in the CLOSET?”
*vibrating* Honky Cat Honky Cat Honky Cat Honky Cat
Damn, the flowy white button down with the red pants really is a LOOK
The gestures, staring up at each other, leaning into each other, hands on each other’s chests, damn it makes me feel some typa way. Maybe their love WAS good and fun and exciting while they rode the high of everything before it all went so so bad.
Elton searching John’s gaze while he’s talking and looking like he’s not really paying attention, just looking for a kiss on the couch.. GOD I remember the honeymoon phase of my relationships. So much fun.
His dad going “N-Not really my thing.” That was a metaphor for his SEXUALITY TOO, huh.
Damn. He went to his dad’s to come out to him and he never even got to get to that part. He was just like “....nice shoes....” and even after all this time, didn’t show any interest in his music. If he never was into what he did, how could he even talk about being gay? I’m sure during that scene there were a lot of metaphors to sexuality but I didn’t bother to think much about them.
The eyebrow quirk after his dad says “ah—no. Could you make it out to Arthur?” DAMN Elton was like .. “really. This is what’s happening? Okay. Awesome.”
“What do you have to do to get a fucking drink around here, eh?” *cuts to Elton drinking straight from a bottle*
“Elton—” “Elton!”
John saying “don’t you ever put your hands on me” when he was the one who yanked him from the phone booth AND directly after punching him... woof man. What a shitty dude.
Damn, just noticed John talking very quietly and closely to another man right before he goes on and plays Pinball Wizard. Was this the first sign of him having fun with other men when Elton was indisposed?
Pinball Wizard is absolutely intense and loud and fun, but it DOES carry the tone of “god im SO miserable” under it all. You knew Elton wasn’t having fun.
“It is next week.” Jeezus.
LMAO I just caught the “mom, you’re ON my GOWN” when he reluctantly complies to give the Anderson’s a tour.
Damn, flowy, loose dress shirts with the first few buttons undone is a LOOOOK.
How did they do the overdose scene, you think? Surely the pills Taron took had to be like. Empty. Or placebo affect drugs? Idk. He did take a big drink directly after stuffing his mouth with them. I don’t think he spit them out.
God, there is SOMETHING symbolic about how he meets his child self at the bottom of the pool. Rock bottom? Apologizing? Wishing he could be better? Telling him he’ll never be better?
OH I watched a behind the scenes cut about the pool scene, and none of it was CGI. Taron was weighted under his robe and a SCUBA diver was on standby to provide oxygen. The singing and bubbles coming out of his mouth and stuff underwater was all real.
Dying to know about the choreography around the second chorus, about the undressing and twirling and dressing and injection and handing off of the bat and stuff. That sequence was incredible.
Bennie and the Jets. Damn. It fucks. I listened to it almost the entire time on my run today. (Five miles; I felt like garbage the entire time but it was good anyway.) The scene is wild. He’s in the middle of a drug induced haze orgy. He SHOULD be having the time of his life but he’s so goddamn miserable. (Also, the juxtaposition between Chris Fleming’s Bennie and the Jets is so funny.)
Part of the problem was that John never understood Elton. But, Elton broke it off with John, not the other way around like he said it was. He wasn’t the victim in that regard. John did treat him like shit though.
Victim of Love plays right after that lmao
Renate and he aren’t even close when they do the duet to don’t let the sun go down on me. They’re separated in different rooms, mirroring literally how closed off their relationship was.
The shot with them waking up in different rooms.. damn
His shirt is so LOUD I’m going crazy
Watching Taron down that orange juice made me a little nauseous I gotta say
“Not really I’m gAy”
It’s CRAZY to watch Elton and his mom interact at the dinner scene. He gets accosted and accused of so much by his mom, claiming SHE’S the victim of his actions, making it all about HER and then he turns around and does and says the exact same shit to Bernie.
He yells “Oh, don’t be so dramatic!” at Bernie as he gets into a taxi. THE PROJECTION!! THE DEFLECTION!!!!
I know there’s only so much they can put in two hours, but I wish they showed more of Elton’s eating issues. He had bulimia for sixteen years before he got help. It’s Absolutely the Man With Anorexia in me, but seeing that even men deal with eating disorders quells the lonely aching something in me. I feel that much less alone, you know. Eating disorders aren’t a “woman’s disease.”
How do you think they did his hair? A wig adds more hair, not take it away. He didn’t get his hair cut for it did he?
Seeing Elton’s first love fall apart because John was such a selfish, heartless prick in reality makes me sad.
Elton hugs his inner child when he reconciled with everyone in his past. Goddamn. He found peace and forgiveness for himself, who he was, even after all that time.
When Elton asks him not to go, Bernie refuses, saying this is something he had to do on his own. Healing comes from within alone. No one can help you do it. People can guide you, but you have to work at it. It’s fucking lonely sometimes, but it’s so, so worth it.
I used to loathe I’m Still Standing since i heard it so much at work, but the movie changed my entire perspective on it. I love the slow build up as he exits the rehab center. You don’t get thrown into something so happy and fast paced and fun after a cathartic climax you need to drink in. And the pan to his hat with the rainbow stripe to his smile. I get chills every time. Elton feels so right and secure and happy in himself. At first I thought it was a bit cheesy, but accepting your sexuality, especially after all the hell he went through during his life, grappling with unresolved trauma and fear of abandonment, he absolutely should wear it loud and proud. It’s easy to think times are much easier now being gay, and it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Relative to 1975, it is easier. But it doesn’t mean it’s not such a rough personal thing to work through if you’ve been spit on and resented all your life. Being gay, coming out, and accepting and being comfortable with that fact must’ve been such a HUGE milestone in Elton’s recovery and self-esteem.
Love me again after I’m still standing is perfect. The credits make me tear up every time. Jeez. What a good movie. What a good movie. Hit me up if you wanna talk about Rocketman because I absolutely will with you.
#like if you read pls#noah.txt#rocketman#elton john#rocket man#bernie taupin#richard madden#john reid
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Poseidon (2006)
Date watched: 4 November 2019
Round 3 of Poseidon related shenanigans.
This is the CGI-heavy, Wolfgang Peterson-directed, Josh Lucas-starring version of the 1972 movie and it's not great. It's also way better than Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.
The cast includes my beloved Kurt Russell (dies), Josh Lucas, Emmy Rossum, Richard Dreyfuss, Andre Braugher (the captain – he dies), Fergie (dies), Freddy Rodriguez (dies), Jacinda Barrett and Kevin Dillon (dies). There are also other less famous people who are in the movie as well but who cares about them, right?
So let's get into it.
And again, this is SUPER LENGTHY, so it’s under the cut.
Plot:
It's the mid-2000s. The Poseidon is a very fancy, modern luxury liner along the same vein as the Queen Mary 2 – pics for comparison:
^ I’ve been on that ship and sometimes I think about that
The Poseidon has almost an old-fashioned feel to it:
That’s from the movie, this is the QM2 below:
I get what they were going for and honestly, if it was a real ship, I’d be totally into it.
So let's talk about how fucked everyone would be if the thing flipped upside down.
All the outside cabins with their balconies and glass doors – flooded instantly, people inside dead. Not to mention the top deck, which contains the pools/entertaining areas including bars, etc – instantly flooded, everyone dead. Then you've got internal rooms on the top decks which would also contain people who would also be very, very dead. If anyone was in their room at the time of the sinking – and I'm guessing, even though it's New Year's Eve, a lot of (old) people would be – they would have no chance whatsoever.
Subsequently all the interior corridors would flood because the upper decks are not at all watertight – unless they are, in which case, there is a contingency plan in place for an event like this.
All of the weight of the engine room is now at the top, which is real, real bad. I'm guessing there would be quite substantial structural damage from all the things in the engine room plummeting through the ship and taking out everything in their path.
The ship would settle low on the water because of the rampant flooding – I mean, I can't even imagine how quickly a modern-day cruise ship would flood. Just look at how quickly the Costa Concordia sank, and it was only half submerged.
The air-conditioning ducts and shafts – water would pour into them with nothing to stop it.
The open areas in the interior of the ship – the atrium, for example, and all the elevator shafts, public areas etc – flood very quickly. People in those areas would be totally fucked. Not to mention the gaping chasms that would open from the ship being turned upside down, so floors are now ceilings, walkways are now ceilings, etc.
People in the elevators – totally, absolutely fucked beyond belief.
All the crew – fucked – although, the crew areas are low in the ship, so you would imagine if there are survivors, they would be passengers in the lower deck cabins or crew members. But once they leave the ballroom, in this movie, they don't find anyone else alive. Which in itself is a bit unbelievable because there would definitely be other survivors from the lower (now upper) decks of the ship.
The dining areas – in this movie there were large windows in the dining room, which leads me to think it's on a lower deck. Not sure if it was at the bow, stern or in the middle, but whatever the case, when the ship flips the windows are underwater. Captain Raymond Holt orders watertight doors to be closed, which do nothing because the windows break and the water floods in that way. Most modern-day cruise ships have multiple restaurants and eateries, and a buffet which is usually at the top. Everyone in those areas would almost certainly be fucked. If the restaurants were on the lower decks with less windows, there would likely be some survivors. If it's one of those hibachi restaurants where they cook the food at your table? Shit.
The structural damage from a ship this size rolling over completely would be astronomical – this ship is big. This ain't no pleasure craft – this is a massive cruise ship with a lot of decks, a lot of passengers and a lot of weight. I just cannot imagine that it would last very long upside down.
You've got water flooding in the decks that are now underwater and there is nothing to stop it. This isn't the Titanic with its watertight compartments, that at least prolonged things because the Titanic, at least, was still upright. There is nothing stopping water surging through the ship. You'd have water forcing itself into air pockets and pressured "explosions" as the air was forced out. You'd have multiple fires on board. You'd have catastrophic structural damage. No way to launch lifeboats – they're all underwater. All the officers were on the bridge and are now dead. The Captain is trapped in the main dining room and when that floods, he's dead too. If there is a contingency plan for this sort of event happening to a modern cruise ship, I would love to know about it.
Look at some modern cruise ships for example:
^ the Norwegian Epic at the bottom is genuinely the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life
Look at these ships. These aren't just ships, they're floating hotels. They're apartment buildings on water. If one of these ships flipped over, everyone would be royally and completely screwed.
So I guess, with the original Poseidon Adventure, I can see how the ship may stay afloat long enough for people to escape. But this version? I can't see it. I don't think they'd have any time at all. I don't think the ship would last more than an hour, if that. They're just not meant to be upside down!
And the other thing that shits me off about this version is that there is no explanation for the wave or how the ship flips so suddenly and completely. All ships, if they're pushed to a certain limit, can capsize. For sure. With the original film, they point out the fact that the ship is top heavy and lacking in ballast; they're pushing it to its limits and the wave is caused by an earthquake off Greece. So you go, okay, worst case scenario.
This ship is in the middle of nowhere. It is a flat calm ocean. In the original movie, they are going through huge seas. This version? FLAT CALM, and then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere – not even showing up on their advanced radar because this is in fact the mid-2000s – is a gigantic rogue wave.
Like.
Look, I'm not an expert, but to my understanding, that's not what a rogue wave is.
The wave in this movie looks like it was lifted directly out of Deep Impact, as if a meteor has struck in the middle of the ocean and created this enormous wave.
They don't just form out of nothing. I thought a rogue wave was a wave that doesn't move in the same direction as the other waves – usually if seas are high. They're not just waves that tootle around the ocean looking for shit to smash.
Where did this wave come from? What caused it? How did they not have any idea that it was coming?
And why does it take so long to break over the fucking ship?!
They don't give any explanation for anything. Rogue waves have hit ships before – they cause damage, surely, and ships can list to one side. But they should right themselves. Modern-day cruise ships have stabilisers (not that they would've been much help with this monstrous wave). There are technological advancements to limit the damage to a ship.
You know what the wave in this movie looks like? You know in Interstellar, when they're on that water planet and Anne Hathaway is like, "Look at the mountains in the distance," but it turns out that there ain't no mountains, just a really big wave?
Yeah.
It's ridiculous.
Look, I love a disaster movie, and I do enjoy the ridiculous ones (2012, for example) – but I also like things to be rooted in reality. You need a sense of "this could happen IRL" or else they're just dumb. Entertaining, but dumb.
So my point is – the wave is too big to be realistic. If that did happen, and the ship did flip, it wouldn't stay afloat for very long.
The other thing about the scene where the wave wipes out the ship is that… it's a series of quick cuts, but it's a good minute of this wave slowly pushing the ship over. It feels slow. It doesn't feel realistic because… well, it's not realistic, but like… even with a wave that big… I don't think the ship would've flipped completely over? I might be wrong. I could be so wrong. I just feel like there would've been a hell of a lot of damage, sure, and maybe the ship would've tipped onto its side, but… to keep turning until it's completely flipped over seems very unrealistic to me.
Anyway, whether it's realistic or not doesn't matter because it happens in the movie. So the ship flips, and everyone who is in the main dining room is having a really bad time. They also do show people in the nightclub when it flips as well, but after that initial nightclub scene – in which people survive – they don't show any other survivors on board at all. Which again is unrealistic. There are thousands of people on these ships. There would've been more than six survivors.
I keep getting side-tracked by the minute details of this movie that annoyed me.
Okay, so everyone is in the dining room, and Captain Raymond Holt wants everyone to stay there because emergency beacons would have been triggered and help will be on the way (help does take an awful long time to arrive though, just saying). Josh Lucas, who is… hmmm. Some kind of rich guy, who… I don't know what his character does or who he is. He's rich and he seems to know boats.
Kurt Russell is Emmy Rossum's dad, and she's dating this guy who is on the cruise with them but he doesn't approve for some reason that I didn't care about. Jacinda Barrett is on board with her goddamn fucking kid who keeps getting lost, and Josh Lucas has a hard on for her. Richard Dreyfuss plays an elderly gay gentleman who gets dumped while on board, then is about to jump overboard, but sees the wave coming and manages to get back into the ballroom of the ship before it hits. He also has a bad habit of getting Latin American people killed. That's not a joke. Just a statement of fact.
So the wave hits, the boat tips and everyone in the ballroom and nightclub get completely fucked up (not to mention the other ship passengers who weren't in those areas who are all definitely dead). Kurt Russell was the mayor of New York and then before that a fire chief, so he has a vested interest in rescuing his daughter, who was in the nightclub, and also getting the fuck out. He and Josh Lucas team up together because they're hot white dudes. Captain Raymond Holt wants to keep everyone in the ballroom and honestly, it's a mistake, but also it's probably safety protocol and I feel like he was doing everything right, and also, the captain goes down with the ship. It would've been wrong if he lived and everyone else died.
With the help of Freddy Rodriguez (he does not last long in this movie), our gang of ragtag heroes make their way out through what's left of the kitchen (and over piles and piles of dead bodies) until they get to an elevator shaft. They climb across one by one but of course, as Freddy Rodriguez is last, and panicking, and the ship is exploding or something (I can't remember), he ends up dangling from Richard Dreyfuss' leg. And Josh Lucas tells Richard Dreyfuss to shake him off, which is so cold-blooded, but like… I get it, but also like… wow, that's so cold-blooded. And he does, and Freddy falls to his death and is impaled, and then the elevator, which was suspended above them, falls and crushes him, just to really wipe out the minorities from this movie.
Actually, thinking about it, only white people survive, so there you go. Just make of that what you will.
They make it to the nightclub where they find Emmy Rossum, her boyfriend and Freddy Rodriguez's girlfriend, who Richard Dreyfuss also inadvertently kills later in the movie. It's just a bad time to be Latin American in this movie.
Then the ballroom floods, which is bad news because literally most of the survivors are still in there. There’s this weird bit where Fergie hugs Captain Holt but I can’t find a gif of it, disappointingly.
Then “our heroes” end up at the ship's atrium, with all of the glass elevators, and it's here that we get possible the funniest death of the movie in Kevin Dillon's asshole getting smushed, and we also get possibly the most utterly ridiculous thing in the whole movie, which comes directly after said smushing.
Again, I cannot find a gif of the smushing. WHAT IS GOING ON. It’s like nobody giffed this shit movie. Instead, enjoy this photo of the immediate aftermath of said smushing:
So the atrium of the ship is a big void with staircases and glass elevators, right? It's obviously in the middle of the ship and it leads from the lower levels all the way to the top and lets in sunlight. When they get to it, they need to get from one side to the other to keep working their way towards the bow (I think, instead of getting out through the stern near the propellers, they go to the bow to get out through the azipods – and yeah I'm losing you guys I know). There is a convenient way across in the form of a collapsed elevator (I think?) and of course, all but Josh Lucas, Emmy Rossum and the boyfriend make it across, because as Kevin Dillon is crossing, a piece of machinery from the engine room – which is now above the atrium – falls through the decks, smashes into him, and continues right through the bottom of the ship (formerly the roof of the ship). It's hilarious.
Josh Lucas finds it less hilarious than I did, and he then does what is just genuinely the stupidest part of this movie – he does a swan dive from their vantage point quite high up above the flaming water below them, into the flaming water (and miraculously is not impaled by something submerged just below the surface, wow, what a legend), so he can swim under the flaming water to the other side with a rope to get the others across.
It is preposterous.
I don't even know what happens next because I was so boggled by the ridiculousness of that scene.
I mean, it's basically the same as the original. They're trying to make their way up and out but they keep coming up against obstacles, and flooding. At one point the kid runs off and nearly drowns but Josh Lucas saves him. They finally get to where they're going (after Richard Dreyfuss inadvertently kills the Latin American chick) and realise that the propellers are still running and they need to be turned off. It's then a dick-measuring contest between Kurt Russell and the boyfriend, who used to be a swimmer in high school, but Kurt Russell heroically sacrifices himself to save his daughter and the boyfriend. There is then an elongated scene of Kurt Russell drowning which does feel like overkill.
And then of course, whatever he does is right but there's still one more obstacle, so Josh Lucas has to blow up one of the propellers so they can escape, and they swim to a conveniently placed life raft and watch as the ship finally sinks, and then a minute later they're rescued.
I mean, at least in this one the ship does sink very quickly?
There's a lot wrong with it but my main problems are:
The lack of realism;
The fact that only white people survive;
The women are mostly useless and the men do all the heavy lifting;
You don't ever really care about these characters – but at least they're not straight up dicks like the guys in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.
#poseidon#2006#movies#movie review#disaster movie#wolfgang petersen#kurt russell#josh lucas#emmy rossum#kevin dillon#freddy rodriguez#jacinda barrett#richard dreyfuss#andre braugher#fergie#she's fergalicious#this was the height of the black eyed peas do not forget#stunt casting yo#mia maestro#mike vogel#oof it's bad#but honestly i'll probably watch it again one day
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So I saw this movie today and here is my response to pretty much the only negative video review there seems to be.
Not seen Hop so I can’t comment on that comparison, especially since they don’t even talk about how it compares to Hop, they just mention it and leave it there, that opening is literally the only time it’s mentioned!
“I hope you like 90′s movies” well I do and I think many other people do, so I don’t really just that as a criticism. BTW it’s funny how he says that in the first 30 seconds and in over 20 minutes he never compares it directly to any movie from the ’90s. They mention Hop from 2011, Masters of the Universe from 1987 and Playing with Fire from last year.
“It’s 30 years too late” The games aren’t even 30 years old yet!
“A Sonic game would have killed around 2000” Maybe it would, but does that mean it wouldn’t kill now? The Sonic fandom is huge and has been for a long time.
“This is every bad 90’s kids film” And yet you fail to name a single 90s film that it is similar to.
“Sonic looks good enough, “passable” is the word to use here” Why? What more do you want from that design? Maybe not have his eyes be completely separate so he looks more like the design from the games, but other than that I don’t see what more was needed.
“The owl looks more like the original design for Sonic” Yeah he does, but he’s not on screen very long so I don’t think it’s a big problem.
“You’ve seen this movie a million fucking times” Maybe we have, but is that in and of itself such a bad thing? If it’s done well then it will still be worth watching.
“It jumps around between tones” maybe a little but it’s never too jarring.
“This film is a lot of 90’s cliches and that’s not what is fun about Sonic” but it is what fun about this type of movie, and the things that make Sonic fun, the running and fast action, are still in there.
“It’s a road trip and that’s not fun” I don’t know, I thought it was pretty fun in this film.
“It opens with a 90s trope of a freeze-frame and “I know what you’re thinking” Yeah it does…is that a bad thing? You guys are fans of Gravity Falls and Ratatouille and they both open the same way, so clearly it can work when done right.
“And then it says 10 years later and I’m like “ten years later from what?” From when he arrived in the human world, why did you find that hard to follow?
“Haha they the thing, they called the town Green Hill” Yeah maybe that’s a little cheap but it’s pretty much the only thing like that in the film.
“Why not set this in the actual magical world of Sonic” Because the Sonic games that take place there have no story and it would have meant a ton more CGI the no studio would have been willing to give them the money for. But yeah maybe that would have been interesting, but how about instead of moaning about what the film isn’t, try looking at what it is.
“This is Master of the Universe film” which is NOT a 90’s film BTW
“Oh gives a fuck?” Well, maybe you will if you give the film a chance.
“The script was clearly written in the ’90s and not updated at all” Maybe it was, but just because the script is old doesn’t mean it can’t still work.
“No one was laughing at our screening” So what? Maybe they just weren’t laughing out loud, or just laughing quietly. I never came across as that kind of film anyway, Carrey’s style has always been that kind of comedy where you are quietly chuckling while he does his thing rather than “joke, laugh, joke, laugh,”.
“It’s not Carrey doing his normal Jim Carrey” I disagree, he felt like he was doing The Riddler from Batman Forever, which makes sense since he’s the bad guy in this as well.
“It’s not Ace Ventura” Nor should it be, since he’s playing the bad guy in this.
“There are very few laughs or cheer moments” Maybe not, but so what? Is that what you were promised or something? In my experience, it’s rare for a movie to have a big enough moment that the audience cheers, in the last year I can only think of one time that happened, that being Cap catching Mjolnir in Endgame.
“The audience perked up when the movie was over” well you are told to be quiet during the film, once it’s over people will start talking about the film a bit more.
“The comedy was never funny is was written for five-year-olds and idiots”, I don’t know if I really agree, the jokes were mostly just, thinking to yourself “oh haha” kind of funny. But they never made me cringe, there weren’t many low-end fart jokes (though there are some) and I never felt insulted watching it. I’ve seen kids entertainment in the past that either makes me cringe or just ask “what’s the joke there?” and this film really didn’t do that.
“Sonic spends the first half of this movie sad and alone” Which to me helps makes the second half more enjoyable when the spend and tone perks up a bit.
“If you don’t compare it to the games it’s just a bad movie” What’s bad about it? So far the only really bad thing you’ve pinpointed is the lack of humour, while also admitting that the kids were laughing.
“This stupid mushroom kingdom…Mario gave you a job, also Mario won” Does that mean he can’t still make fun of him? Also, I think that’s actually a reference to the Mushroom Hill Zone from Sonic and Knuckles.
“It’s just dull, bland flavourless mush” ok it certainly doesn’t push the boundaries of what you can do with a film, but does that mean what it does is bland. There is plenty of good action, comedy and the character are all fairly interesting. The worst thing you seem to be able to say about it is to do with things that are not in it.
“It’s not a family movie it’s a kids movie” I agree, it’s a kids movie that the adults will find perfectly watchable, nothing wrong with that.
“The adults won’t laugh” maybe not out loud, but I remember a few times I was amused.
“Let’s not do the games, let’s do something 30 years old.” Aren’t the games nearly 30 years old? But again the games have no plot, how do you make that into a story?
“It’s such a lack of imagination, creativity and effort” Sounds like the Nostalgia Critic over the last couple of years.
“The chase scene around the world was fun but it’s over so quick, you have the world, you can go anywhere!” But it would have gotten boring if it went on any longer, are you suggesting they go to over tons of locations just for the sake of it?
“This film aims low” I don’t think that’s such a bad idea for a first film. For a lot of people just having a good Sonic film on the big screen is enough. Keep in mind how many bad video game movie there have been, just the mere fact this movie avoids being another one of those is enough for a lot of fans.
“This has been done a million times and done better.” yet you can’t give me even one example of where that has happened.
“Why not have him run around with a kid and put him in Sonic’s world which looks more interesting?” I don’t really see how that would make for a more interesting story, but how do you know they won’t do that in the sequel?
“Our screen was only half full” Well maybe that’s why you weren’t hearing the laughs.
“All the positive reviews were saying it was for kids” which it is, you don’t need to read a review to work that out, that’s clear from the movie. But there is nothing wrong with that, the movie is still perfectly watchable for adults which is more than I can say for a lot of kids movies.
“Kids deserve more” and they will get it, this movie isn’t stopping that.
“People seem to just like the fact it made it to a movie” Well given it’s his first ever movie, is that really surprising?
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Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
So I may or may not be a little behind on reviews right now. But joke’s on you, there are a bunch of scary movies that have been released in 2019 (and very few being released in theaters this October) so you can enjoy some seasonally-appropriate spookiness right on schedule like I planned it that way and not at all because writing reviews for 119 movies is really hard and time-consuming. Everything’s going according to my master plan.
Hey, so do you remember the 90s? Between Goosebumps and Are You Afraid of the Dark?, kids in the 90s basically just wanted to have the bejeesus scared out of them. Enter Alvin Schwartz, who produced a couple of collections of folk tales and urban legends that were unsettling but fairly bloodless and combined them with the nightmare-inducing artwork of Stephen Gammell. BOOM - generation of kids traumatized. I know all my fellow #90skidsremember and probably have very high hopes for the spookiness of this movie. Does it deliver? Well...
Mostly, but it misses the mark somewhat. What’s worse, I think some different choices could have really propelled this into blood-curdling classic status. As it stands, those stories we knew and loved as kids have been roughly strung together into a PG-13 horror flick held together by a somewhat clumsy connective narrative about a young girl named Sarah Bellows (Kathleen Pollard), who was tortured and abused at the hands of her family, locked in a basement, and took her revenge by writing scary stories that came to life and killed all those who tormented her. Now it’s Halloween in 1968 and a group of teens (Zoe Margaret Colletti, Michael Garza, Gabriel Rush, and Austin Zajur) investigate the derelict Bellows house and find Sarah’s murderous book - and then start dropping like flies as Sarah’s stories start to come to life once more.
Some thoughts:
The movie theater we saw this in was an independent theater recently acquired by a big corporate chain, and as such, the employees could not figure out how to turn the lights all the way down. And we were in the biggest auditorium they have - think almost IMAX size - so the lights were those really strong spotlight kind recessed into the super high ceiling, but dimmed to about half strength. This is all to say that my experience was less Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and more Scary Stories to Tell in an Office Building Past Nine.
The soundtrack is absolutely banging. I really, really enjoyed the extended intro sequence to “Season of the Witch” particularly.
Ok, hard and fast rule - don’t throw things that are on fire into ANYONE’s car, even if they’re a bully.
How are all these walls of cobwebs not a deterrent even if a scary murder basement isn’t?
You know, I don’t think I had overbearing parents in high school by any means, but even my friends with hippie parents could never have come home absolutely fucking WASTED and just be told, “go deliver eggs.” In the middle of the night. On Halloween. Like people do.
Harold was always the scariest story in the collection to me, and Harold himself is not fucking around here. His character design is deliciously creepy, plus the fact that he’s isolated in a huge cornfield at night. Anyone who grew up in the middle of the country will tell you - one of the scariest things on God’s green earth is a field of corn. Listen to this and listen well - cornfields are full of blood and old magic. Don’t. Fuck. With corn.
Glad to see they’re not underplaying the racism that someone with the name Ramon Rodriguez would be experiencing in a small town like this in 1968. Or now.
I can’t help but feel this would have been a far better movie if it was A) rated R and B) about a half hour longer. I’m all for short and snappy when the movie calls for it! But things moved SO quickly that nothing had much room to breathe. There were entire plot lines that felt dropped, or completely breezed past. Example - there’s a whole subplot about our Final GIrl Stella’s strained relationship with her dad (Dean Norris) that could have carried a lot of the emotional weight and really underscored some themes of the movie about generational trauma...but Stella and her dad have I think 2 very brief scenes together? Maybe 3? It feels like a LOT was cut from their arc. Even small details that could have been fleshed out into something really creepy feel dropped or missing - like, the corn in Harold’s field? Completely green and thriving on Halloween night, dead and yellow the next day. It feels like a scene is missing or that lines illuminating this choice were cut - even something as simple as “What could do something like this to an entire field of corn?” and the answer is E V I L.
I’ve been around lots of teenage boys before, I’m not a nun, but seriously who eats stew of all things that 1) people told you they didn’t make (and that you know YOU didn’t make) 2) that is COLD and 3) when people you love are saying DO NOT EAT ANYTHING OR YOU WILL DIE. I’m willing to concede 1 and 3 through sheer stubbornness and stupidity but COLD? COLD STEW? Cold, chunky, brownish stew??? Disbelief unsuspended.
There are a number of Very Good Dogs in this movie, including a beautiful Doberman, some excellent police K-9 units, and a Very Good black dog named Trigger! And I’m happy to report all of the dogs make it out ok!
“You don’t read the book - the book reads you” might be the worst line I’ve seen in a film this year. What does that even mean?
Why did Chuck say “My sister’s gone” - based on what we see in the film, the implication is that she actually survived? Unless there was a scene establishing her death definitively that was cut. This is what I mean when I say that the brutal to-the-bone editing to keep it PG-13 really makes the plot and continuity suffer.
Why would you throw away that perfectly good clipboard? Hospitals aren’t made of money, young man!
But maybe this hospital is, because they own a fucking gramophone?? And for the record, it has never been that easy to find any hospital records in the history of ever, so maybe this is a magic hospital, idk.
In terms of the actual scary stories come to life, the red room lady (see gif above) is really the only one that feels the same way the Stephen Gammell’s original artwork feels. All the other scary stories embodied in the film either rely too heavily on CGI to look convincingly real (Me Tie Dough-ty Walker) and therefore lose their dreadful creepiness or the character design, while scary, doesn’t really resemble the look or feel of the original illustration (Harold).
Speaking of Me Tie Dough-ty Walker, that part really rubbed me the wrong way. He moves super fast, and is so violently in your face - it doesn’t at all fit the tone of the books or the creeping dread of Gamell’s art. I understand you need to escalate the action as you’re heading into the climax of the film, but this move felt completely wrong to me, like it came from a totally different (and lesser) B-horror movie. He’s loud and gross and terrifying looking, like The Toxic Avenger doing parkour and shit, and that is not at all the vibe that any of these urban legends have.
Did I Cry? I teared up a teeny bit during Stella’s phone call with her dad. Dad-daughter stuff just gets me, ok?
It feels weird that they’re so clearly trying to set up a sequel, especially when the scariest story the movie tells is that Nixon wins the election and Ramon is drafted to go to Vietnam.
Overall, this could have been something pretty great. The acting and characterizations are solid, and there’s some rich thematic material to make this feel less like an anthology collection cash-grab. There’s even some pretty profound messages about trauma at the heart of Stella’s confrontation with Sarah Bellows - Stella understands that Sarah is only a monster because she is lashing out in pain, but she’s hurting innocent people. All Sarah wants is for her trauma to be heard, acknowledged, and remembered - all she wants is her story to be told. And while it doesn’t always reach its highest potential, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark is still certainly a story worth listening to.
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#119in2019#scary stories to tell in the dark#ssttitd#scary stories to tell in the dark review#alvin schwartz#stephen gammell#zoe margaret colletti#michael garza#gabriel rush#austin zajur#dean norris#movie reviews#horror reviews#Film Review#Horror Movies
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Sonic Movie Does A U-Turn - Quill’s Scribbles
Okay, so I’m actually writing a whole other Scribble about the Sonic the Hedgehog movie and about live action/CGI hybrid movies in general, which I’m hoping to have finished by tomorrow, but some news has come out and I know for a fact people are going to use it as a stick to try and beat me with even though it’s completely irrelevant to what I have to say, so I’m going to talk about it now.
So live action Sonic the Hedgehog is hideous. That’s pretty much an objective fact. He looks like something that came out of Andy Serkis’ arse after he ate the mo-cap dots and gave himself a stomach bug. Well apparently the fan and critical backlash has been so extreme that the director Jeff Fowler has gone on Twitter and vowed to change the design.
Now this isn’t the first time a movie was changed in post production in response to audience feedback. After the critical failure of Batman V Superman, Warner Bros and DC hired an editing team that usually does movie trailers to recut the film Suicide Squad to make it more like Marvel, which of course resulted in the misogynistic technicolor shitshow we ended up with. (In other words, it’s exactly like a Marvel movie. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!! I’M SO EDGY!). But Sonic feels significant because of the amount of backlash and the sheer size of the change the filmmakers are now having to implement. We’re not talking editing scenes or doing CGI touch ups. We’re talking a full remodelling of a very prominent CGI character. That’s going to take quite a bit of money and overtime to complete before the November release date.
So this is good news I guess. We’re getting a live action Sonic that’s closer to the iconic design from the games. That’s all well and good... but only if it’s worth the extra effort and let’s be brutally honest, it really doesn’t seem like it.
Sonic The Hedgehog Of The Opera is really just one problem in a sea of problems. You’ve all seen the trailer, right? Yes Sonic The Hedgehog Of Notre Dame is hideous, but what about all the other shit in the trailer? The unfunny jokes? The generic premise? The cringeworthy music choice? Jim Carrey being an obnoxious tool? A Sonic redesign isn’t going to change that. Those bits are still bad. Honestly I think this film is dead on arrival and it’s not really worth the effort fixing Sonic at this point. You only get to make one first impression and this was it. This is without a doubt one of the worst trailers I think I’ve ever seen and everyone involved in this movie, who worked on this movie or are even associated with this movie should be incredibly embarrassed by this. And that’s including Tim Miller.
Yeah! The director of Deadpool is the executive producer of this film! Not only that, he approved the design! In an interview with IGN, he said:
"It would be weird and it would feel like he was running around nude if he was some sort of otter-like thing. It was always, for us, fur, and we never considered anything different. It's part of what integrates him into the real world and makes him a real creature."
Tim... he’s wearing running shoes. I think the boat has sailed on the realism front, don’t you?
Apparently Sega and Sonic Team weren’t too happy with the design, particularly the eyes, and that’s really the main thing about all this that’s confusing me. How the fuck did this design get approved? Did no one on the production team or at the executive level say ‘hang on a minute, this looks a bit iffy’? Did no one at least question why they were making such a drastic change to such an iconic design? What about Sega? Why didn’t they put their foot down when they saw the initial design? It’s not like they’re powerless. They’re co-producing this thing. Guys... what the hell happened?
Now there’s a bit of a conspiracy theory going around suggesting that this is all a marketing ploy. That the trailer and Sonic design was deliberately shit in order to drum up publicity. I can see why people think that, but I very much doubt that’s the case. For one thing, it’s one hell of a gamble releasing a trailer that’s deliberately shit just to get people talking. Like I said, you only get to make one first impression. Even if and when they reveal the revamped look, they’re going to have a heck of a job winning people over again, especially those who weren’t really sold on this film to begin with. But also it doesn’t change the fact that the studios are going to have to spend time and money redesigning Sonic and implement the new design into already completed footage. There’s no way any studio would waste that much time and money on a concept they didn’t think was saleable. And that’s really the source of this whole conspiracy, isn’t it? People understandably can’t wrap their heads around the idea that the filmmakers legitimately thought that this design was good. It’s simply mind-boggling that anyone would approve such an obviously bad design, and yet wonders never cease.
So there’s a chance Sonic might actually look like Sonic in a few months time. That’s nice. But it doesn’t matter if the film isn’t good and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my doubts. Based on that trailer, this looks set to be this generation’s Super Mario Bros movie, which is a shame because out of all the movie adaptations of video games we’ve had, Sonic is the one with the most potential to succeed. I think the premise would translate so well to the big screen. If only the film was being made by competent filmmakers.
Sigh. I don’t know. Fingers crossed, eh?
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Endgame thoughts
My initial reaction was that it’s surprisingly really slow paced and has very few action scenes. I was going to say it was all ultimately worth it for the big climactic battle at the end. But then it really lost me on almost all the endings for our heroes.
Pretty much everything I dreaded came to pass. Tony had five years with his wife and kid, but he had to live those years in a super-depressed world where he felt like a failure, then when he had the chance to fix everything and settle down and finally enjoy life, they ripped it away from him. Also, kinda selfish of him to insist that they don’t erase the last five years on the off chance that it causes Tony to not get married and have a kid with Pepper. Like, fuck all the people who didn’t get dusted but died as a result of pilots and drivers and doctors suddenly disappearing or who became depressed and were driven to suicide and fuck Loki, Heimdall, Vision, Gamora, and half of Asgard I guess?
Similar to how they ended Tony’s story about PTSD, survivor’s guilt, and the overbearing burden of feeling like he has to be responsible for everything in the worst way possible, I feel like Steve’s ending was also antithetical to his entire arc. He spent the whole series trying to acclimate to life in the future and he was doing a pretty good job of it. He got caught up on tech, pop culture, and even found a new love, bland and underdeveloped as she was. Then he just goes back in time to live in the past? Also, the whole point of sending Steve back to return all the stones was to ensure the timeline didn’t get fucked and things would play out as they had originally, so Tony’s daughter wouldn’t be unborn. But then Steve goes and hooks up with Peggy, who got married to someone else in the original timeline. Also, no one noticed Captain America returning after being presumed dead in a time where memories of him and what he looked like would still be fresh? Also, also Peggy founded SHIELD. Did she have to hide Steve’s existence from everyone who knew him every day that she worked with them? Did Steve not warn her about HYDRA infiltrating her organization? What about in the future when those HYDRA agents were tricked into thinking Steve was one of them? Any consequences to that?
I think the biggest tragedy of Steve’s ending is that it could’ve been the most beautiful, perfect, satisfying, sentimental ending to another story. Like, if they’d done this at the end of Avengers 1, or even Winter Soldier, I could get on board with the idea that Peggy was Steve’s one true love that he could never move on from. But after so many movies showing Steve acclimating to living in the future, making new friends and getting an old one back, (He seriously didn’t get to spend any time with Bucky outside the battlefield after they finally fixed his brainwashing. How bullshit is that?) establishing himself as the leader and moral center of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, and making out with Peggy’s grandniece it feels like character regression to have him throw all that away to literally live in the past.
Also, he passes on the mantle of Captain America to Falcon, who already has a perfectly good superhero identity, instead of Bucky, who could actually use a new identity to start over with.
I felt cheated by the fact that they emphasized Loki being important to Thor in the marketing, but then Thor just walks right past him in his cell. Present Thor never interacts with or even mentions Loki and all of his emotional moments are with his mom, who I never cared about, in a callback to one of the worst movies in the franchise. Which isn’t to say those scenes weren’t well-done. Well, I mean, except for the fact that Thor’s fake hair and beard and beer-belly were terrible and distracting and took me out of the moment, though props to the actress playing Frigga for managing to be so sincere acting opposite Chris Hemsworth in that getup. I really don’t know what they were thinking with that. Like, they could’ve written the movie’s timeline so that they went to see Thor when he’s sad and fat to get their cheap laughs and then have them take another year or so to put together their time-travel setup so Thor could get back into shape. But no, they really decided to commit to that bit and have him spend the entire movie, his character’s swan song, as a damn clown. Like, they couldn’t have at least switched out the cheap ugly unkempt hair and beard for a better set that looks more realistic so he could look just a smidge more dignified in the finale battle?
And that’s not even getting into Thor’s ending. I was already peeved by Infinity War giving Thor his eye back immediately after he lost it but I think the ending they gave him somehow managed to be even more insulting than Tony’s. Like, his dad dies and he finally ascends the throne and takes on the responsibility of being a king and then he just gets fat and drunk and then abdicates and puts Valkyrie in charge so he can run off aimlessly looking for a new purpose with the GotG? Like, what sense does that make? Also, he justifies putting Valkyrie in charge by saying she’s got leadership qualities, but when did she ever demonstrate any? Ragnarok was all about Thor demonstrating HIS leadership abilities by recruiting Valkyrie, Hulk, Loki, and the Sakaar rebels to fight for his cause. Valkyrie didn’t do any leading in that film, she just learned to start giving a shit and be a team player again. In Endgame, all she does is point Rocket and Hulk in Thor’s direction and then show up on the battlefield. They don’t even imply that Valkyrie was taking charge while Thor was wasting away.
She looked fucking great on her horse though. But where did she get it? I don’t remember seeing her herding one onto the refugee ship at the end of Ragnarok. I’d say I’m surprised that Thor and Valkyrie didn’t become an official couple offscreen like Peter and Gamora did, but after they threw away Jane, Sharon, and Betty and aborted Nat and Bruce’s romance, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that Thorkyrie went nowhere. If they hadn’t gone with making Thor a joke for the whole movie though, it could’ve worked really well since in their last film together, Thor was the one who pulled Valkyrie out of a funk where she was drinking and wasting her life on Sakaar to cope with her trauma and she had the opportunity to do the same here. Oh well. Maybe with Thor out of the picture and Loki possibly alive the ship I really wanted to see take off might actually stand a chance.
The big girl ensemble scene kinda made me laugh because they really wanted all the girls (sans Nat) together and it was already kinda forced and corny when they did it in Infinity War when there were only three, but when you’ve got a huge battlefield full of mostly male heroes and random male soldiers and grunts it stops being a believable coincidence that all the women and only the women would end up in the same spot and just becomes transparently “we deliberately flocked together just for the sake of forming a girl group with no regard for strategy”. But that’s not even what made it funny. What made it funny was that they stuck Mantis in there and then as soon as everyone charged she disappears because Mantis isn’t a fighter, so there was no reason for her to join that group, which makes the whole thing even more transparently like, not a thing that would happen organically in real life.
I totally didn’t even notice that Lady Sif didn’t appear because the actress had left the franchise long ago, so I just never expected her to show up, anymore than I expected Jane to. In fact, I was so sure that Natalie Portman was only going to appear in archive footage or in faraway shots with a body double that it shocked me when they had like, a whole five seconds of her waking up and then Rocket walking into the room and it didn’t look like it could’ve been from the original movie because they never would’ve shot the scene to linger after Natalie walked off with the camera angled to frame a two-foot tall character. So I guess they got Natalie back just for that.
I’ve expressed before that I’m not a fan of dealing with story and character problems by throwing them away instead of fixing them, and Jane’s a pretty good example of why. The first two Thor movies feel like a complete waste now since they spent so much time developing her and Thor’s relationship and Thor having to choose between his obligations to Asgard and his love for her. Her dumping him in Ragnarok doesn’t inform his character at all, unlike Tony and Pepper’s break-up in Civil War. It’s just an excuse to make him single so they can set up Valkyrie as his new love interest. But then Thor and Valkyrie don’t get together, nor does he reconcile with Jane. The movie indicated he was still heartbroken over Jane, and they had the perfect setup for a reconciliation. Thor lost his both his parents, his siblings, his best friend, his eye, his hammer, his home planet, and half his people, but Jane was snapped by Thanos, which means she came back to life at the end. It was such a blatant missed opportunity to not have him either get pulled out of his funk by Valkyrie or reconcile with Jane in the end it almost feels like maybe they were going to in an earlier draft but then decided it was too similar to Steve's happy ending so they just decided fuck anything respectful or satisfying for Thor and just dumped him on the GotG for no other reason than to make his different.
When Valkyrie said she liked either Bruce or Hulk apart better than both of them together I was like “hard same”. Like, the CGI on Hulk was never that convincing, but it gets really deep into the uncanny valley in this film. It just feels wrong to see the big green guy emoting and gesturing like Bruce and hearing Bruce’s normal soft-spoken voice coming out of Hulk’s mouth. Nothing about it is okay. I would’ve liked it better if they hadn’t skipped over the character arc too. Like, instead of just “Oh, we reconciled our differences and merged into one during the timeskip” Bruce was still unable to Hulk out for five years and didn’t know why and then finally figured it out for the final battle in a big triumphant moment.
I was hoping there’d be some kind of a twist to the soul stone get scene. Like, because Nat sacrificed herself instead of being pushed in, she’d get the stone instead of Clint and then they’d both live, or they’d both fall and be resurrected. Kinda like in Yu Yu Hakusho when Yusuke and Kurama both tried to sacrifice themselves to the magic mirror to save Kurama’s mom so it let them both live.
They should’ve just cut Clint’s storyline and swapped it for Hulk’s story. Cause like, the whole Ronin thing doesn’t really impact the plot in any way. The only purpose it serves is to give him a reason to fight with Nat over who should sacrifice themselves despite Nat being the obvious choice since Clint has a wife and kids he’s trying to get back. The scene at the beginning where he loses them is all we really need to be emotionally invested in him. Scott only had the one scene with his daughter and that was enough for him.
If they’d had Hulk’s reconciliation happen over the course of the movie instead of during the timeskip then they could’ve sent Clint to New York and Bruce to Vormir, since an active battlefield wouldn’t have been a good place for Bruce to be while unable to Hulk out. It could’ve been Bruce and Nat fighting over who should sacrifice themselves as a resolution to the feelings of guilt and self-loathing they discussed in Age of Ultron. Nat could’ve sacrificed herself, not out of shame for her past or the future she doesn’t think she can have, but out of love for Bruce. Her sacrifice could’ve been the key to unlocking Bruce’s ability to reconcile the two halves of himself, which would've been a nice payoff to her being able to snap Bruce out of Hulk mode in AoU and Ragnarok instead of just a thing that happens to make you sad for no reason.
I thought Captain Marvel in her solo movie was just okay. Not unlikable by any stretch, but not particularly funny or charming or otherwise possessing any kind of engaging character traits strongly enough to give me something to latch onto. But I found her quite unlikable in this film. She’s barely in it and every time she is, she’s copping a real attitude. Like, everyone else is grieving and wracked with guilt because they’re actual empathetic characters who’s natural reaction is to feel bad about the situation even though they tried their hardest, and many of them couldn’t have done much anyway. But Carol just seems really defensive. Like, if this were any other hero, she’d be sorry she wasn’t around to stop Thanos. She’d be haunted by all the people who suddenly, inexplicably turned to dust, knowing she was the one hero powerful enough to stop him, but she wasn’t where she needed to be. Instead, she comes across as being more bothered by the idea that other people might blame her for not stopping Thanos than by what Thanos did.
I kept thinking that maybe since Loki got the the space stone the timeline was messed up and he was going to pop up in the final battle and I actually played myself into thinking it was him moving Mjolnir for a sec before it turned out to be Steve and then I was disappointed he didn’t show up later when everyone else did.
Nebula at the start of GotG 1 was already hoping that Ronan would help her kill Thanos, so it’s OoC for past Nebula to be his loyal servant in this movie.
How did Clint and Natasha go to Vormir not knowing about the sacrifice? Nebula was able to figure out what happened to Gamora in Infinity War, so why didn’t she warn them?
Loki disappeared with the space stone in Avengers 1 but he was still in his cell during the events of TDW, but then they went further back in time to get the space stone in the 70s. But when did Steve return the space stone? If he sent it back to the 70s, does Loki still get it in 2012, or did Steve stop him from getting it?
Also, why did they even need to go to the 70s to get more Pym particles? Bruce already had the time stone. They could’ve just used it to fix their flub with Loki.
I can’t believe they finally put explicit gay rep in the movies but like, in the weirdest way. Like, it wasn’t like they hyped it up and then only vaguely implied it with stereotyping, like some other movies. They did have like, an outright unmistakable declaration of a character’s sexuality, and it wasn’t even saved for the very end. It’s in like, the first half-hour. But, they did it with a random no-name extra. So it’s like, they now acknowledge that gay people exist in these movies, but there’s still no explicit unambiguous LGBT representation among the heroes, or even the supporting cast.
I remember in Tony’s funeral scene, seeing a teenage boy and thinking “Who the hell is that? That’s not Peter, and that’s not one of Clint’s kids”. Like, I’m not great with faces, especially when they’ve drastically changed due to puberty, so of course I wasn’t going to recognize the kid from Iron Man 3. Now that I know that that’s who that is, I think it’s a pretty nice touch, even though it’s still bullshit that Tony died.
Kinda confused about Gamora. We’re never shown that she goes back to her time, but I guess we have to infer that she did because she’s not with the other Guardians at the end and Peter has an image of her on a screen implying that he plans to somehow find her and bring her back to life in his time. Also, how is Nebula alive if her past self died?
Everyone who got snapped was brought back to life, but the five years they were gone wasn’t erased. So Peter is still 15, even though he’d be 20 if he hadn’t died, unlike Cassie who is now a 13 instead of 8 (I think that’s her age, don’t quote me on that). But we see Peter hug Ned, who looks the same age, and Flash and MJ also appear to be the same age in the Far From Home trailer. So, I guess it’s a coincidence that everyone in Peter’s circle just happened to also get snapped so there’s no awkwardness with Peter being in high school while all of his friends are college-aged now.
#avengers#avengers spoilers#endgame spoilers#spoilers#avengers endgame spoilers#avengers 4 spoilers#marvel#marvel comics#mcu#endgame#mcu spoilers#avengers endgame
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Time to rank every MCU film
Yes I am doing that oh so original thing of ranking every marvel film from worst to best. Criticisms and debates are welcome. (Disclaimer: I like all these films unless stated otherwise)
X. Incredible Hulk - I haven’t seen it. Sorry.
21. Guardians Of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - I can honestly say I hated this film. The only likeable part of the whole film was the soundtrack and the first few minutes with Groot dancing. Beyond that it was dull, cringy and oh so predictable. The second that Ego (???) appeared and said he was Quill’s dad I was just like “Oh so this guy’s the villain then” and noped out of there. I never saw past that point and don’t intend to.
20. Captain America: The Winter Soldier - People praise this film till kingdom come and I for one do not get it at all. Many say that it is unique in moving away from the typical superhero film and towards the spy genre. Maybe I just don’t like spy films but it is in no means a great Marvel film. I liked it enough but it’s so forgettable I had to google the plot for this review. I liked the characters and all but it just never stuck with me as anything special.
19. Guardians Of the Galaxy - Maybe I just don’t like the guardians??? I don’t know but this was another film that just didn’t stick with me. I like Rocket and Groot but beyond that the Guardians themselves hold no interest with me. I don’t care for the humor particularly and whilst the music is great that really shouldn’t be the best part of a film unless it’s a musical.
18. Avengers: Age of Ultron - People hate this film, I however do not. It’s an okay Marvel film, I don’t care for it enough to hate it. I like that scene where they’re all trying to lift mjolnir and I think I liked the ending (I watched it like two years ago so I don’t remember that well) but I have to agree with a lot of the criticism of white washing the Maximoffs (despite how much I love Elizabeth Olsen and Aaron Taylor Johnson, it was still shady). I didn’t hate the ‘giving Hawkeye a family’ like a lot of people did because the already made it clear he wasn’t like comic Clint.
17. Thor: The Dark World - Now we’re moving into films I do like (I love Marvel films more than I dislike them, it's literally just GOTG2 that I don’t like). This was a good film from what I can remember (as I said it's been a while since I’ve seen a lot of these films). I liked the story arcs, I liked that it was set in places other than America and space (ok, so I’m from England, sue me), I loved Tom Hiddleston in this film and I like Darcy. All in all it was an enjoyable viewing, a little dull at times but generally harmless.
16. Doctor Strange - This would be further up if it wasn’t for how dull the first half hour or so is. I had to go back and watch this months after I had first tried just because the start was so boring. Once I moved past it however it was a great origin film. I liked the humour in it and I have always had a soft spot for magic so it was a brilliant film. The effects were absolutely stunning and on aesthetics alone it would place as the second or third best marvel film. I loved the good guys and was genuinely rooting for them despite Strange being a bit of a snarky arsehole.
15. Iron Man - Is this a very important film? Yes. Is it a great film? Also yes. Do I remember it? Not at all. Okay, so I remember some stuff and what I do remember was great but to say its a film that sticks out would be a lie. It’s THE origin story in as much as it’s a formulaic one: flawed character is traumatised and realises their flaws in the process, is influenced by important person, becomes a hero and is betrayed. It works though. That’s the thing, it works so damn well that its almost not in the formula. It's a great watch and honestly RDJ looks great in it (so not the point but I digress). That bit with Stane ripping out the arc reactor made me feel betrayed and I kinda knew it was coming. ( https://tonynatashas.tumblr.com/post/184375713429/that-scene-in-iron-man-where-obadiah-stane-is this post explains why this scene is so great important)
14. Captain America: The First Avenger - Another (enjoyable) origin story. If Sebastian Stan wasn’t in it it would probably be three places down but hey I have a type. No but seriously this was a great film because not only did it show off the brilliance of Roger’s transformation and gave us an idea of who he was and what motivates him but it also then gives us details of his waking in the 21st century and begins to expose his issues with this time travel (for want of a better phrase). This film shows you what you’re gonna get whilst still having pretty good effects, a good, solid storyline and a pretty badass comic book villain. The serum guy creeps me out though and there are so many ethical issues of that level of human experimentation on a person whose only friend went off to war, had Steve died they chose someone no one would really miss which is so concerning.
13. Captain Marvel - A lot of people may have a criticism of this film being so far down but for me it needs to be. I like superhero films where the main character overcomes a flaw and amnesia is not a character flaw. This is a good origin story but it is not a great marvel film. I like Carol but I don’t love her. I love the fact that we have a superhero film with a female main character and i liked that scene where she talks with biker guy but it felt like Samuel L Jackson was a more interesting character at times. I often rate characters on humor so there’s that. It was a good film but I’m mostly looking forward to what will be done with the character as she has so much potential.
12. Spiderman: Homecoming - This is a weird one for me. It’s the only marvel film I own on DVD and it’s the only one I like where I skip scenes. I can not deal with cringy humour so I skip 80% of the jokes and awkward moments in this film however it’s a really good film. It’s funny and the music is great, I love Zendaya and Jacob Batalon probably more than Tom Holland, their roles are great and the film’s emphasis on friendship is one of the elements from the Iron Man and Captain America films that I love just further amplified. The references to Ferris Bueller and the fact that it is, at its core, a teen flick makes it a brilliant film. The vulture twist was also amazing.
11. Ant-man and the Wasp - I feel like it isn’t talked about enough but I really bloody love Scott Lang. He is one superhero that I can really get behind because above all else he is just the nicest guy. He is probably one of the most human seeming characters in the MCU and it always makes for such an enjoyable viewing. This could probably draw with ant-man in terms of great films. I loved Ava Starr so much and my heart really went out to her and that FBI guy was a total joy to watch. The Ant man films are so funny and light hearted that they don’t have that sort of weariness that other MCU films have. If only Luis told more stories in the MCU.
10. Ant-man - Honestly just look above. Also I love Hank Pym and Hope Van Dyne so much. The villain was kind of eh but I loved the heist aspect.
9. Black Panther - I watched this film for Shuri and to an extent because I felt obligated to so I had low expectations. People were talking about it for the significance of fighting for equality (which I am all for, don’t worry) so I was expecting it to not live up to the hype and it didn’t. That being said it was a bloody great movie. The movie was beautiful, the use of colour and the CGI tech was so damn pretty. The plot was brilliant and for a while I wanted Erik Killmonger to win, he put forward a good argument and I like a ‘baddy’ so to speak. The fights were great and I was so here for their version of going under cover finally not being a hoodie and cap. Was it over hyped? Hell yeah. Was it still a great film? 100%
8. Iron Man 3 - This gets a hell of a load more crap than it deserves, mostly from comic book fans who can’t stand that their precious mandarin was a hoax but honestly I respect the fuck out of marvel for that. Rather than having a stereotypically asian terrorist they turned that stereotype on its head and made the white guy the actual terrorist. Ben Kingsley is one of my favourite actors and he was amazing. I, obviously, also loved the representation of PTSD as a serious issue and how it was displayed in all of its real ugliness. For once it didn’t just show a damaged person who was fixed with romance. So yeah, this film was a masterpiece.
7. Captain America: Civil War - Zemo may just be my favourite MCU villain to date, why? Because he fucking won. This was a film about a man who knew his victims and rather than stupidly trying to attack the big scary strong guys he exposed them and made the best of circumstance. He got under Captain America’s skin and played him like a puppet. This was more than just a villain, this was finally a smart villain. Not to mention that this film had some of the best action sequences and heart breaking moments whilst still having time for a laugh. It’s also the first film (in my opinion) that called out Steve’s morals and his obsession with the past. Bucky was hot used against him and it showed that above all else, even the little people, Steve’s loyalties are with his past.
6. Thor - Most people would disagree and rate this film far lower however for me this was the start. I didn’t grow up watching superhero films because I didn’t like watching TV as a kid so it wasn’t till I was 13 that I saw a superhero film and this was it. I honestly watched it because my friend had it on DVD and I thought Tom Hiddleston looked hot but from what I can remember this was one of the best films I ever saw. I wasn’t too bothered by Jane Foster but I absolutely loved Darcy, Loki and Thor. Whilst I’m not adopted I do know what it is like to be the younger and smarter sibling with an older thuggish brother who is still the favourite so I loved Loki with a passion and was so upset when he fell.
5. Iron Man 2 - This was the film that made me realise that I liked girls, Scarlet Johansson in a black cat suit and red ringlets was an amazing thing to little 13 year old me. Beyond that it was just a solid film, it had spies and daddy issues and sass and Samuel L Jackson. What more can you want?
4. Thor: Ragnarok - This is the peak of Thor, I’m calling it now. Never had a director before been able to capture the absolute chaos of Loki and the sweetheart-ness of Thor so brilliantly. As far as representations of characters this, Captain Marvel and Iron Man 3 may just be the best of all the MCU. This is the full completion of Thor’s arc, this is the film that the first Thor set up. Finally Thor is ready to be King. This film had so much humour but still set it all up so perfectly that it was more than just a comedy. Jeff Goldblum was amazing and honestly Taika Waititi should direct the whole of the MCU. He knows the characters better than anybody.
3. Avengers: Endgame - I cried three times. That scene with the portals was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed and whilst many criticize much of the plot I don’t have too much I’d change, though in fairness I did like the cursed child so maybe I just have a soft spot for all things time travel. Dynamic timelines are not used in cinema enough and the three alternate timelines create have all sorts of implications for future films in the MCU. If Thor is not fat in the next film this may go down to 20th though.
2. Avengers Assemble - This is the film that I believe best represents what the MCU has to offer. It’s a light hearted superhero film with all the characters that were needed at this point in time. For its time it was ambitious and honestly it shows. I loved the dynamics between the characters, the plot was engaging and not overly complex and even if you haven’t seen any other MCU films it makes perfect sense. In some respects it probably is the best the MCU has to offer.
1. Avengers: Infinity War - Oh boy do I love this film. This isn’t just a film, this is the film. Did it have the same emotional impact as Endgame? Fuck no but it didn’t need to. It was serious. It was funny. It had just the right amount of just the right characters and may I just say that is the best that Captain America has ever looked in the MCU. I (controversially) really loved Gamora dying and most of the Guardians being dusted. The memes were great.This was the most ambitious cross over event since Wizards of deck with Hannah Montana. One thing that I can’t get out of my head though is Bruce’s comment of “broke up like the beatles?”. Does that make Bucky Yoko Ono?
#avengers#avengers endgame#avengers assemble#avengers age of ultron#aaou#avengers infinity war#captain america#Captain Marvel#cacw#iron man#spiderman#Spider Man: Homecoming#guardians of the galaxy#gotgvol2#gotg#ant man#ant man and the wasp#thor#thor ragnarok#thor the dark world#loki#bucky barnes#Black Widow
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