#used an ice pack to numb my side out before driving myself to the care center becaus i sure as hell cant afford an ambulance ride or the er | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

babyloposts · 3 years

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RoseBud

My Hero Academia Gang AU

Pairing(s): Sero Hanta x fem!reader

Warnings: language, drug use, explicit content, sexual themes, gang imagery, violence

Summary: a simple crush on a guy quickly turns south as you become wrapped up in an unsafe life of lies, drugs, and violence. What happens when you become a key player in a war between to rival gangs and have to deal with a complicated love life all at the same time.

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0.5

You stayed occupied on your phone until Hatsume returned to finish up the details of your already sore rose. In the time it took for her to do whatever business she had with those boys, your numbing cream had began to wear off.

The tension in the room was thick. The previously care-free energy Hatsume possessed was replaced with a melancholic and faraway stare in her eyes.

“Alright babe I’m all done. Remember to clean the skin with a gentle anti-bacterial soap and use alcohol-free moisturizer alright.” There was a feigned happiness in Hatsume’s voice, but her eyes said it all. Whatever Bakugou had done to her, whatever he and the red head had taken from her must have dampened her mood more than the threat from earlier.

You nodded to Hatsume and she took her leave as you were re-dressing. Luckily the top you wore was a light fabric and didn’t rub against your tattoo too much, but you could tell, this was going to hurt in the morning.

Walking back into the main lobby you only found Sero. No Bakugou, Hatsume, or mysterious Red Head to be found. You wanted to be happy to see Sero, but the look on his face and the mark on his face were more than enough to dampen your mood.

“Sero, oh my God!” He cringed as your finger lightly danced over his bruised cheekbone. Your hand flew to him without even thinking. Quickly you whipped it back and silently scolded yourself for your overbearing nature. “I’m sorry I-”

“Don’t apologize. It’ll only make me feel worse about getting punched in the face.” He chuckled, but your expression never faltered. The worry was there and it wasn’t going anywhere. Your brain was rattling with questions of ‘why?’ and ‘what happened?’, but as soon as you even fixed your mouth to speak Sero was cutting you off with the sharp movement of rising to his feet.

“Let me drive you home. It’s late.” Without checking for a change in your face or any confirmation he turned to leave the shop, trusting that you had fallen instep behind him.

The car ride to your apartment didn’t answer any lingering questions either. The only sounds that graced your ears was the buzzing of the engine and the light sounds of J. Cole songs emanating from the stereo. Sero periodically asked for vague directions to your side of town, but surprisingly he found your small complex with ease.

“Thank you.” You sighed as he shifted the car into park. The car ride may have been soothing, but the fear for your new friend’s well-being never once left your gut.

“Don’t thank me. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. And I pride myself on being a pretty nice guy.” The smile graced easily over his face as if he didn’t have a giant bruise forming under his eye. Your expression remained unmoving, your friend full of wonder as to what he was hiding from you. Yea, you had just officially met Sero tonight and he really isn’t obligated to tell you anything personal, but he was acting like none of that crazy shit just happened.

Sero chuckled, breaking through your bewildered inner monologue to move around and open your car door for you. “Alright, this is the part where you go home. Not that I’m trying to get rid of you.” He winked.

“R-right.” You get out of the car and start to your apartment. This didn’t feel right, the energy was too weird. You knew in the back of your mind that Denki was right. He had said Sero was a good guy and you’d be in good hands with him and he was right. Sero was probably trying to protect you from whatever shady business he was apart of, but you couldn’t leave this “date” where it was. You made it about half way to the door to enter the lobby of the building before you spun on your heels and placed your hands firmly on your hips. Sero was watching you as he leisurely leant on the hood of his black muscle car. Totally unbothered as you had come to expect.

“You’re not leaving here without me checking you out.” You said with all the gusto you could muster.

“Go ahead. I’m standing right here.” He smirked and drank you in with his eyes.

“Stop being an idiot and come upstairs with me. I can’t go to sleep tonight knowing that I just let you leave here with a black eye and I didn’t even offer you an ice-pack.”

“If you wanted me to come up to your apartment with you, you didn’t have to make up an excuse.” He punctuated his sentence with the chirp of his car doors locking and jogged up next to you.

“What happened to you being a gentleman?” You snorted.

“I can’t ever turn down an offer like that from you. I’ll take my chances.” He grinned slyly. You rolled your eyes trying to act like his charm wasn’t getting to you.

Sero followed you into the elevator and into your apartment. It was quaint and homey and smelled of bergamot incense. Luckily you had cleaned up a few days ago and your apartment was presentable to guests.

“You can sit on the couch I’ll get you some ice and a damp rag.” Without checking to see if he even listened to your instructions you busied yourself hopping from room to room of your apartment to gather the supplies to help his worsening bruise. Once you were back in the living room you instinctively pressed the makeshift ice-pack to Sero’s eye causing him to wince.

“That’s what you get for getting yourself beat up because of me.” You huffed.

“What do you mean? I didn’t-”

“I heard what he said Sero. That blond guy was yelling at Hatsume saying that you left the club before you were supposed to and he had to finish the job for you. You told me that you were done for the night. I wouldn’t have cared if we stayed longer.”

“I didn’t get beat up for you.” Softly, your hand was removed from in front of his eye. With Sero’s vision no longer obscured he could see the look of guilt clear as fat on your face. “I chose to leave. I was gonna do what needed to get done regardless, but my boss has little faith in me I guess. He sent his guard dog after me instead of trusting that I know how to get shit done.” Sero grumbled at the end. That seemed to have put him off. It was the one time his chill façade had faded that night.

“So... taking me to Hatsume was an excuse?”

Quickly the charm was back and he was reassuring you that you were priority number one. “No. Well kind of. I still wanted you to have a good time, but I would have had to see Hatsume tonight anyway. So, two birds and all that.” He shrugged.

With the ice pack now back on his face you started again, you found it was easier to speak your mind this way. No seductive eyes to sway the conversation. “Okay. But still. You should have checked in with whoever to avoid all this.” You gestured to his face.

“This happens more often than you think.”

“Sero. Be serious please.” You sighed. “You didn’t need to get hurt indirectly because of me. I’m not gonna ask what you or Bakugou needed from Hatsume, because obviously it wasn’t tattoo related, but can you at least promise me that you won’t leave working just to hang with me?”

“So there’s gonna be a next time.” His eyebrows wiggled, taunting you.

You stammered. You didn’t mean to sound presumptuous, but you were hoping he would want to go out with you again. “I mean yeah, I thought tonight was fun, all things considering.”

“Yeah? Me too.” His hand began to snake to your thigh that was now exposed to him as your skirt hiked up from your sitting position. The hand was comforting reminding you of the comfort you got from him earlier that night in the car.

“I-“ Your throat all of a sudden felt so dry. Clearing uncomfortably, you began again. “I don’t know if this is really gentlemanly.” You chuckled. Sero’s gaze at you did not falter for a second. His eyes were hazy and his eyelids dropped. The look in his eyes drew you in and you dropped the ice-pack from his face.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t keep my eyes off you. You’re beautiful.” You smiled as the compliment. Again the compliment on your beauty was unfamiliar, but greatly appreciated.

“Thank you... but I-” Your protests were quickly silenced by the force of his lips pressing against yours.

Like ice against a flame you melted into the kiss automatically. Your lips mended together perfectly. His felt rough, slightly chapped, but the way he moved in rhythm with you caused you to swoon. You were both drunk on each other’s touch. His hands roamed you lower body and rested on your waist, while you explored his hair and massaged his scalp with your finger tips.

A firm squeeze to your upper thigh elicited a gasp from your lips breaking the kiss and allowing Sero just enough time to slip your blouse over your head. What a pleasant surprise it was to find you without a bra on to obstruct his view. “Nice tat.” He smirked.

To avoid the embarrassment bubbling in your chest you shut him up this time by climbing into his lap and resuming the kiss where you had left off. In this position he had free reign of your body. His hands explored every inch of your legs, ass, and back.

You were a frustrated moaning and groaning into his mouth which only made him want to touch you more. Those intimate sounds making him harden beneath you.

Sero was undeniably sexy. You had fantasized about being with him before you really knew him, but everything went beyond your expectations. The way his rough hands felt against your body, the way his tongue and lips felt tangling with yours and his scent. It was a strong mix of cologne, weed, and something almost sickeningly sweet. You could have sworn it was...

Cherry Blossoms.

As if I’ve cold water had been poured on you, you ended your make out session with your crush prematurely.

“What happened?” Sero finally showed some other emotion. A mix of curiosity and worry.

You panicked how could you explain this. “Sero... you- you don’t want me.”

“The fuck are you on? Of course I want you.” His eyes flicked down taking in the sight of you bare chested and sitting on his straining erection.

“No you don’t. I’m sorry but, it’s my quirk that’s making you like me.”

“Huh?”

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Masterlist

Taglist: @black-bhabie-2000

#babylowrites #bnha x black!reader #bnha #mha #mha x female reader #bnha bakugou #black writers #mha bakugo x reader #bnha sero #sero hanta x reader #sero x female reader #sero x black!reader #Kmainari Denki #ashido mina #mha todoroki #mha kirishima

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mediocre--writing · 3 years

Note

this hc is sad but whenever neil gets too rough and billy’s injuries are too severe to heal on their own, neil will do his own version of “first aid” since he can’t risk a hospital. stuff like holding billy down while doing stitches, stuffing a belt in his mouth and telling him to shut up and stop crying like a pussy. maybe billy views it as a form of love in some warped way, all “he wouldn’t patch me up himself if he didn’t love me, right? he could have left me or had me do it myself but he didn’t” and he doesn’t realise for a long time how not OK it is until he either causally mentions it to someone or someone witnesses it and tells him how fucked up it is

the first time it happens is when neil yanks on billy’s arm when he tries to walk away. dislodges his shoulder from its socket.

billy is already crying and neil huffs like it’s some inconvenience. grabs two wash clothes from a kitchen drawer and tells billy to bite down.

has him lay on the floor and shoves his arm back in (it took three tries). billy swears that he’s never felt pain that bad.

neil goes to the corner store and grabs a cheap sling for billy, just so the shoulder heals right and doesn’t get overextended or anything.

billy’s grateful that neil cared to help him. even gave him ice packs to make sure it didn’t ache too bad.

billy was 11.

it gets worse after that, if you can believe it.

neils a mans man. he expects billy to be as well.

neil knows when a cut is just a scrape and when a cut needs stitches.

he’s neared the line many times, but it’s never reached the stitches level yet.

but it does now.

neil had shoved billy into a wall, right under a cross that was hanging there (can you sense the irony?) and the cross fell and slammed onto billy’s face.

didn’t break his nose or anything, but there’s a deep deep deep cut right by his eye.

there’s blood in his face, but what freaks out billy the most is that there’s blood in his eye, and he fears that’s where the edge of the cross hit him.

neil, again, grabs two wash clothes and tells billy to hush, grabbing an ice cube to ‘numb’ the area (though it does nothing) and sticks the needle into billy’s cheek.

once too scared to open his eyes, billy is now writhing away because there’s a needle in his face and neil looks way too calm to be doing this. shouldn’t a parent be worried?

but neil forces billy back where he was before, holding down on his arm. says something along the lines of “do you wanna bleed out? i’m trying to help you, boy.” and billy just waits it out.

he cries like a baby.

neil let’s him take the day off of school the next day. let’s billy lay with an ice pack on his swollen face and bruised eye for most of the day. even apologizes, in his own, twisted way.

billy was 13.

once, when billy’s being whipped with neils belt for whatever godforsaken reason neil pulled out of his ass, he hits the same spot too much.

then the belt buckle grabs the skin and pulls.

billy’s screaming in pain. can’t describe how unbearable it was to have the raw skin of his back yanked by a dull belt buckle.

but, it turns out, he needs stitches. not wasting a clean washcloth, neil just shoves the belt into billy’s mouth, going to grab the first aid kit.

billy is laying on his stomach, holding his hands in front of his face so he doesn’t lash out and he bites onto the belt as neil stitches the skin back.

but neil doesn’t reprimand billy for leaving teethmarks on his nice leather belt, so billy thinks it could have been worse.

billy was 15.

the first time susan has to witness one of their bad arguments, billy had snuck a boy into his room.

they weren’t even doing anything. barely even flirting. and they were alone.

billy leaned in, but so did the boy, and they met in the middle and billy felt like an inexperienced virgin while kissing his first boy.

it was a life altering experience.

on many levels.

neil comes home early. or maybe not, maybe billy wasn’t watching the clock. either way, billy’s got a boy in top of him, though fully clothed, but making out nonetheless, when neil slams in.

billy’s life flashes before his eyes that night.

he barely even remembers what neil did. what he said.

billy knows at one point he thought about how much he missed his mom. and, apparently, he said it out loud. spurring his dad on with maximum fury.

it was past 3am when billy woke up from his unconscious state to unbearable pain. neil was stitching him up, had already done so on his face and neck. had moved on to his leg (a line of stitches worked all the way up the back of his calf).

billy could feel the bruising on his torso (from numerous kicks and pushes that rolled him into furniture and walls) and around the crown of his head (the result of a plate being smashed over his head).

he didn’t move. he didn’t have the energy.

but he could hear susan. she was yelling at neil, whispering, but scolding him.

“the hell is wrong with you!? he could have died? this is too far, neil, he’s your son! you should love hi—“

“i’m doing this because i love him, su, you know that! you want a faggot in this house? huh? no, you don’t! and do you really think i’d let my son bleed out on the floor? you think that little of me?”

and billy gets it. gets his dads side. because neil could just leave him to bleed all over the carpet. but he didn’t. he helped.

he had good intentions and only did what was best for billy. who was billy to say what his life should be when he wasn’t even smart enough to learn from his mistakes?

that was the reason for their move to hawkins.

billy, during their first week there, didn’t attend school on behalf of all the still healing stitches and bruises, though he was spotted around town a time or two (already instilling his bad reputation)

and once he gets there rumors fly around the school.

apparently, billy had to move from cali because he beat up a biker gang and they kicked him out of the state.

but, then, the night happens. the one where billy beats up steve and comes out looking pretty clean.

hopper drives his half unconscious body home, along with max, so he can ‘explain the situation.’

that night, for many reasons, is a night max will never forget. ever.

she’s seen demo dogs and tunnels from other dimensions, a possessed kid, and a girl who can move things with her mind.

but she also got her first taste of what it looks like when billy gets beat by his father.

it’s like a car crash, you know you should look away, but you just can’t.

and billy, still drowsy from the sedative, is getting in thrown around the living room and kitchen like a rag doll, being shoved into shelves and cabinets, even dislocated his left elbow and there was a loud crack from billy’s ankle.

and, though she’d wanted billy dead mere hours before, this seemed more torturous.

at least when it was billy and steve, they were both conscious. this was just twisted.

neil, for whatever strange reason his mind came up with, made max and susan watch the lesson: this is what happens when you don’t follow rules.

max could barely make out the rising and falling of billy’s chest at the end.

there was blood splattered on billy’s chest and neck, on his jeans and in his hair, on neils hands.

“grab me the first aid kit and a towel, su,” she scurried to the bathroom and back and max wanted to bolt. run. sprint. just get away from whatever was happening.

neil bent down and used the towel to press down on billy’s bleeding wounds, stopping the blood flow. he then disinfected and wrapped what he could, bandaged everything else.

then he rolled billy on his side, grabbed his forearm and upper arm then snapped them together, fixing the dislocation with practiced ease.

this was also when billy woke up. screaming.

“hush,” is was quiet, but stern, and billy knew to listen.

the towel, one side inked in blood splatters, had the other side shoved into billy’s mouth before neil got out the needle and thread, stitching billy’s larger wounds.

if max thought the most scarring part of her night was going to be anything that happened before this, she was wrong.

she knew. she knew that billy got smacked around sometimes. and he kinda deserved it. he was a jackass.

but this. this was a whole new thing. this was downright madness and max didn’t think she’d ever be able to sleep peacefully in her own bed again.

the tears were rolling down her face when she made eye contact with billy, who had equally red and teary eyes, but his held more pain. more suffering. more knowledge.

“see what you did? you made your sister cry,” neil told billy as he pulled especially hard on a stitch on billy’s tender stomach, making billy scream in agony, in more pain than before.

after that night, max listens to billy more. blames herself for being out and getting billy into trouble.

billy is just glad he was able to find the old sling he had years ago and that it still fit. he’s grateful that his dad stitched him up and made sure nothing would get infected.

knew he should have kept a closer eye on max and this is what needed to happen for him to see that. he knew that now.

a week later, the boys were talking about how some guy named (ronnie? maybe lonnie?) had called the byers asking about will. they talked about how joyce chased him out of the house with his own shotgun.

will told her, when they were leaving lunch, that joyce was so mad because lonnie, his dad, had hit his bother, jonathan.

max thinks about that. thinks about how susan would never, not in a million years, chase neil off with his shotgun for hitting billy.

she stood and watched when neil almost killed billy.

she didn’t know what to think. she wondered if billy knew what was happening wasn’t right. wondered if he’d ever tried to run away or was too scared of getting found if he did.

wondered if there was any scenario in which billy would take her harsh criticism of his dad well.

and it takes years.

billy moves out for college, somewhere good where he can focus on being smart, like he’s always been, and gets out from under neils thumb.

he discovers who he is a little better and still comes to hawkins every holiday and break, gets closer with jonathan and steve and robin and even nancy.

the first person he tells about it is jonathan. he hears the lonnie stories for himself and chimes in with his own anecdote. apparently, it’s not as light hearted as jonathan’s.

but he opens up. it takes the night and a little alcohol and weed, but billy has successfully told jonathan everything his dad has done to him. every stitch and relocation.

jonathan tells nancy and nancy tells steve. steve coddles billy and (because they were already close and in that ‘talking stage’) eventually gets some of the truth out.

jonathan, even though he told people, never exposed everything. there’s some things steve will never know about because they’re just too much and billy found comfort and a commonality in jon that he didn’t know he needed.

(joyce would also totally from that point on have adopted billy, doesn’t matter if he’s already like 22, he’s now her child)

#idk i like the idea of jon and billy being friends #but like not close/hang out every day friends #more like know too much about each other and bonded on accident friends #also their characters are very similar #they just had different types of parental situations #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw blood #tw injury #tw stitches #tw abusive parent #stranger things #billy hargrove #neil hargrove #harringrove #mediocre—writing

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samdeancass · 4 years

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Panic Attack

Pairing: Sam x reader

Characters: Sam, Y/N, Dean

T/W: Mentions of anxiety/self-harm

A/N: Please, if you are self-harming or need some support with your mental health, please don’t hesitate to message me. I suffer with anxiety and have self-harmed in the past, so I hope I could offer some support to others.

Description: After a hunt goes wrong, Y/N begins to go into herself and begins to panic. Luckily, Sam is on hand to help her through.

“What the hell were you thinking, jumping into harms way like that, you nearly got yourself killed!”

Sam was furious with the events that had just played out mere moments before:

You, Sam and Dean had been hunting a werewolf that had been ripping its way through Colorado. You guys had finally tracked it down only to find that it was part of a pack of about 5 or 6 werewolves.

Whilst you and Dean were fighting off 2 werewolves, you had noticed that the remaining ones had backed Sam into a corner and that his gun was halfway across the room. You shot the two werewolves in front of you and began to sprint over to Sam, shooting the werewolves that had him cornered.

One of the bullets missed and the werewolf turned around and began to stalk towards you. Sam dived for his gun and shot the remaining werewolf, just as it had cornered and pinned you down.

“Well, fucking excuse me if I wanted to stop my boyfriend from getting mauled by werewolves. Next time, I wont bother.”

You and Sam both stormed off towards Baby, slamming the doors as you both got in.

“There’s no need to take it out on the car, she hasn’t done anything.” Dean mumbled as he got into the drivers side.

“Shut up Dean!” Sam and you both shouted unanimously.

The car drive back to the bunker was filled with tension and anger. The rock music was turned low and there was little to no conversation between the three of you. As the car entered the bunkers garage, you quickly got out and stormed off towards your room, needing to be alone.

When you entered your room, you flung yourself onto the bed and began to cry about the events that had carried out. After a few moments, the crying turned into a panic attack. You couldn’t breathe, your heart was beating at a million times an hour and everywhere was going numb.

“Why do I always do this? Put myself into harms way and then not get appreciated for it. Sam and Dean don’t need me around, they can take care of themselves. I may as well not be here.”

You managed to heave yourself up off the floor and walk into your bathroom. Your searched through the cupboard until you found the razor, stained with old blood. Shakily, you guided the razor towards your arm and did a slow, long cut across your arm, immediately feeling release. Slowly, you cut your arms a couple more times, enjoying the relief it gave you, until you heard three quiet knocks on the door.

“Y/N? Can I come in?”. When there was no answer, Sam slowly opened the door and looked around the room, eventually finding you on the floor, covered in blood.

Sam rushed over and cradled your face. “Baby, why would you do this to yourself?” With tears in your eyes, you looked up at Sam, his face a watery smudge in your vision. “You don’t need me. You and Dean can take care of yourselves. All I ever do is get myself into trouble. I can’t even aim straight half the time. I’m no use to you guys anymore.” As you said this, your breathing began to become more ragged and Sam could sense the shift of it.

“Hey” Sam knelt down more and brought your lips to his. “Never, ever think that you are not important. You are the one thing, besides Dean, that I would not be able to live without. I am so sorry that I yelled at you, you really didn’t deserve that. I just couldn’t bare the thought of losing you. I’ve already lost so much, I don’t think I could handle losing the love of my life. Please never think that you don’t matter to me or Dean, because you do.”

You begin to cry at Sams words, knowing that he was right. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry for worrying you like that, I only wanted to keep you safe. You are the single most important thing to me.”

“You don’t need to apologise, Y/N. I know you were doing what you thought was right. Just please, try not to do it all the time.” Sam slowly eased you up onto your feet and placed a kiss on top of your head. “Now, lets go get you cleaned up and watch some soppy movies with some ice-cream, yeah?”

“OK, Sam. Thank you.”

Tags: @akshi8278

#dean winchester #sam winchester #sam x reader #supernatural #supernatural fandom #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural imagine

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baekhypnotized · 4 years

Text

☆— [six]

summary: Baekhyun is just a man who doesn’t believe in romance as much as Byul, who is trying to give herself to him. But day by day, he will soon realize that her fleeting actions are breaking down his cold-hearted brick wall, no matter if it takes her a million years.

warning(s): -

word count: 5.1k+

author’s note: please let me know what you guys think about this chapter!! if you would want to be tagged for next update, do tell me!! enjoy reading :)

tag list: @iloveagain @catboyseni @versaexact @xlxbaekhyuneex @nastybbh92

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“Come on, Baekhyun. Stop playing around so we can finish this assignment.” I request, sighing softly after seeing him procrastinate. Baekhyun plays around with his laptop for 10 minutes already because we’ve been trying to complete this project by tonight. Baekhyun and I have been at Starbucks for hours since at 8 pm. Now? It almost strikes at 12 am and our work hasn’t completed yet. And, I love how this place is open 24 hours so we can do our work conveniently.

“Chill, Hanbyul. We still have a week,” Baekhyun scoffs as he grabs his iced caramel macchiato and drinks it. I glare at him before rolling my eyes to the back of my head. My eyes start to feel sleepy, losing my focus on the screen of my laptop. I quickly slap my cheeks slightly to at leash freshen me up.

Baekhyun giggles silently once I start banging my head in the air with my eyes almost tightly close. A few seconds later, I place my head on the table and decide to get a short nap to reenergize back before continuing the project. I doze for around 5 minutes and get back to work. But within a few minutes, my legs and hands start to feel numb so I decide to lay my back by the chair and continue my dozing.

The moment I wake up from the short nap, I realised that my head was on Baekhyun’s shoulder. I glance at his face, he places his head on mine and also has his eyes closed. Suddenly, I feel so comfortable with this position, knowing that most probably Baekhyun just felt pity looking at me so tired. That’s maybe the reason why he offers his shoulder for my head to rest comfortably.

I scan his face slowly this time. From his forehead, his eyes, cute nose and to his pink pair of lips. I even realised he has a few numbers of moles on his face and I find them cute too. I’ve never seen him this close. Baekhyun’s face looks so serene when he is sleeping. Like, his masculine side has turned off and become a whole baby right now. Even though he's already 28 years old, he doesn’t look like that age at all. Still young, handsome and sometimes have that baby face.

My fingers trying so hard to caress his face right now but obviously, it would wake him up. I check the current time as it’s already past midnight. We’ve been dozing off for quite a long time and I think it’s better for both of us continue this later. Because I don’t think we’re able to finish this overnight at this state.

“Baekhyun…” I softly call him. But, he doesn’t budge.

I pat his thigh gently while keep on calling him, “Baekhyun, wake up. Let’s go home, hmm?” I suggest to him. Baekhyun wakes up, pulls away from me with a stretch. His eyes are barely open that makes me chuckle seeing him in this way.

I shut down his and my laptop, helping to clear the stuff because he’s still spacing out. He must be so tired nowadays. It makes me wonder what does he do besides attending classes because I realised, our schedules are not packed at all. Maybe, he just normally tired. Baekhyun continues his nap at this moment as I offer to prepare ourselves to get home. I don’t need to feel worried about my transportation since Baekhyun always offers to send me back home.

Once everything is pack, I try to wake him up again. Baekhyun literally whines a bit before he rubs his eyes and looks at me with his sleepy face. “What time is it already?” He asks. His legs were spread as he stares on the floor blankly. I chuckle and take out my phone to show him the current time. “12.15 am, mister. So, let’s get back home, shall we?”

He nods slowly and grabs his stuff together with him. We leave the place and head to his car. As both of us get into the car, Baekhyun turns on the engine and spacing out. Again. He’s spacing out, staring at his steering wheel without moving even an inch. Then, he sighs.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask him with concern. Baekhyun makes me get to worry about him because he looks so blank. He turns to look at me, admiring me for a few minutes. Okay, double worry.

I slowly slide my hand to place on his lap, looking at him anxiously. “Baekhyun, tell me, please? I’m so worried right now.” I demand him to tell me. He brings his hand to hold with mine that causes me to shock a bit. Baekhyun caresses it gently, trying to calm me down.

“I’m so lazy to drive. Can you drive?” He asks.

“Nope! Plus, I wouldn’t dare to drive this hella expensive car.” I answer him but he only replies to me is a chuckle. Baekhyun still holding my hand as my cheeks flush but I’m grateful that it’s dark in the car. So, he can’t see me blush right now.

Suddenly, he turns on the light. Shit.

I bite my lower lip anxiously, trying to avoid his eye contact so that I would not blush chronically. Baekhyun tucks a strand of my hair around my ear and leans closer to me. I shift myself backwards slowly until my back bumps with the door. He looks at me, his lips curve upwards into a sweet smile.

“Nah, I’m more alive after seeing your beautiful face. Your home, shall we, Hanbyul?” He says as I pull my hand away from his lap, buckling myself with the seatbelt. Baekhyun still has that smile on his face before he starts to drive us back to my apartment first. Throughout the whole journey, my heart couldn’t stop beating and thank God he turns on the radio. He hums to all the songs that he knows while I am sitting quietly, stealing a few glances on him when he’s driving.

Baekhyun stops by at the petrol station to fuel up his car. He leaves me behind in the car as he’s gone to fuel up the car. I’m staring at the car’s interior design even though I already ride his car a lot of time. His phone suddenly rings. I peek at Baekhyun outside that he is still waiting to fill the tank. I don’t want to pick up the call because it would be called as invading his privacy. But, the name appears as ‘Sohyunnie’. And now I’m wondering who she is.

As soon as the rings end, Baekhyun just finishes off his business and gets back into the driver's seat. He turns on his engine but before he continues to drive, he checks his phone. I keep myself together and peek at him. Baekhyun probably calls back that Sohyunnie back because he wears his right Airpod plug into his ear.

“Hey, why are you calling me in the middle of the night?” Baekhyun asks the caller as he continues to drive to my apartment. I listen quietly to his words even though I try hard to ignore him calling that person. He talks to the caller for a few minutes later and he laughs, chuckles plus smiles a lot too. This is another side of Baekhyun being so happy because I’ve never seen him this way before.

“I’ll be back soon, okay? Sleep tight and I miss you too.” He ends the call and drifts the car on the empty road.

Who is it? I let the question lingers around my mind because I will never have the answer.

After Baekhyun sends me home, I head to my apartment and straight to my bedroom. Since I already informed Soomin that I will come back home late, she already asleep in her room. I just don’t want her to worry about me because I told her that I’ll be doing my project together with Baekhyun. She told me that even though it’s him, I still need to be careful since we don’t exactly know his background in deep. But, I assure her that Baekhyun is a good guy and he wouldn’t hurt me or even kidnap me.

My routines are the same; shower, skincare and sleep. As I hop on the comfy bed, covering myself with the duvet and have my phone in my hands. And Baekhyun gives me a text as usual.

[Baekhyun]: I arrive home safely but I’m too lazy to take my shower.

[Byul]: Go and get a shower, you stinky.

[Baekhyun]: Can I just go to bed without getting one?

[Byul]: Eww! We’ve been staying outside for hours and you insist to go to bed at that state? You’re crazy, Baekhyun.

[Baekhyun]: I am, huh?

[Byul]: Yes! People tend to hate someone who doesn’t take care of themselves.

[Baekhyun]: So, if I get one, you will like me?

[Byul]: Stupid question. Of course, I will. I hate people who stink so much

[Baekhyun]: Teehee! I promise I’ll get one before I go to bed.

I chuckle reading to his replies. He’s acting like a child right now for sure.

[Baekhyun]: Wanna go out tomorrow?

[Byul]: Where? And when should we continue the assignment?

[Baekhyun]: I’m trying to ask you for a date and you’re here asking me back about the assignment? :(

[Byul]: Oh come on, Baekhyun. Okay fine. Where do you want to bring me out tomorrow?

[Baekhyun]: Looks like someone anticipates going out on a date with me *grin emoji*

[Byul]: I did not, okay. Say it or I’ll go to bed. Goodnight, Baekhyun.

I lock my phone and place it on the bedside table. My phone rings a few times and I assume he keeps on calling me so I wait for a little longer, answering his call. “What is it?”

“Are you mad at me?” Baekhyun asks me with his low voice.

“I’m not. I’m just tired and want to have my sleep now.” I answer him sternly.

“Hanbyul, I’m just playing around with you. Don’t be mad at me,” He tries to coax me as I only reply to him with a few hums.

“I’ll treat you tomorrow. How’s that sounds?”

“Be my credit card for the whole day and also my chauffeur throughout our hangout.” I request.

Baekhyun chuckles. “I can do anything for you. You name it sweetheart and I will.” He continues saying with low voices.

My whole body starts to heat up until I need to uncover myself from the duvet. I place my palm on my chest, feeling my heart beats rapidly. This is the first time ever, Baekhyun calls me ‘sweetheart’. I know it’s pretty normal but the way he says it, it’s really different. I’m like spacing out for a moment because that pet name effecting me.

“Hanbyul, you still there?” Baekhyun asks. I cough a bit to make it less obvious that I’m feeling so hot by only hearing to that name.

“Yeah, I’m here… So, tomorrow is it?”

“Yup. I’ll confirm it back later the time but be prepared, okay?” He tells me and I only answer him with a hum. A sudden long yawn escape from my mouth and Baekhyun obviously can hear it at the other side.

“You’re cute when you’re yawning.” He chuckles again.

“Nope. That’s a lie.”

“I’m not lying. It’s the truth.” Baekhyun denies my judgment.

“Whatever, Byun Baekhyun. Goodbye.” I bid goodbye.

“Goodnight, Hanbyul. Can’t wait to see you again, sweetheart.” Baekhyun bids his goodbye after wishing me goodnight. We end the call right away and I prepare myself to bed. I didn’t realise that during the whole conversation, I was smiling so wide just because of Baekhyun.

Sleep tight too, Baekhyun.

I wake up the next morning feeling so alive and happy. Baekhyun gave me a good impact on my sleep last night. I was having difficulties to get to sleep nowadays but last night was different. After weeks of knowing him, I already consider him as my close friend. The way he treats me as a friend, as a woman is unbelievable. I know it’s kinda weird but I really anticipate our next meeting because I just want to meet and hang out with him. He’s a crazy guy with weird personalities despite being a mysterious guy. But no matter what, he is Byun Baekhyun that I met at the cafe in a good appearance that caught my eyes.

When I leave my bedroom, I see Soomin doing business at the kitchen. “Woah, you woke up quite early today, Soomin.” I mock her before having a seat at the dining table. Seems like she’s cooking us breakfast and it’s a rare view seeing her cooking. She has a bit of talent in cooking but she’s too lazy to even steps to the kitchen.

“Can you stay still and appreciate this beautiful view of Soomin’s cooking?” Soomin turns to look at me as she rolls her eyes annoyingly before continue to prepare the food. I laugh hard, holding my tummy because I love to make her mad. Since both of us are too busy with the project, we rarely spend time together even though during the weekends. Because I prefer to just stay home and rest when I don’t have any work shifts. While Soomin on the other hand, Sehun loves to bring her to his house and spend their lovey-dovey time.

“Fine. Do you need any help?” I offer but she shakes her head. I walk and check on her. Soomin’s trying to cook kimchi fried rice and looks like she’s kinda struggling to read the recipe. The ingredients are all prepared on the island but she seems confused. As for now, Soomin wants to chop the kimchi but she couldn’t figure out how much she needs. I chuckle softly after seeing her doing the work diligently.

“1⁄4 kimchi from the container would be enough for the two of us. Have you cook the rice?” I ask her as she answers ‘no’. I offer myself to help her by cooking the rice first. At least, they would already when Soomin wants to fry it. Then, I help her to prepare the basic ingredients such as onions and chillies while she cuts the raw chicken into small sizes. Both of us work together to cook the kimchi fried rice because working together, it would make the food extra delicious. This is our masterpiece. We finish it up within the range of 45 minutes and I end it up with giving a high five to her.

“Good job!! Have you taken your morning shower already?” I ask her when she’s busy transferring the fried rice onto the plates. Soomin nods her head a few times.

“Okay, gimme 10 minutes for a quick shower please?”

“5 minutes,” Soomin says.

“10 minutes and I’ll treat you ice cream,” I beg her with my puppy eyes. She rolls her eyes before nodding her head. I jump excitedly on the same spot, ruffling her hair and run back quickly to my bedroom. Because I make her pretty annoyed with me in the morning. I rush myself to have a quick shower and wear a plain pink t-shirt with short pants. When I go back to the dining table, Soomin already set up everything including the hot tea. I sit across her and both of us start to eat kimchi fried rice. We make a unison satisfied hum, indicating that the fried rice that we both made is delicious.

“Are you planning to go anywhere today?” Soomin pauses for a moment and turns to look at me while questioning me. Now, I’m agitating. Would it be weird if I say Baekhyun wants to bring me out? Or is it not?

“Kinda? Baekhyun wanna bring me out somewhere,” I answer. Her pupils dilate after hearing his name. I start to play with the rice using my spoon because I’m nervous about what will she say next.

“Byul, do you have anything with him though? I’ve seen that you’re so close to him now,” Soomin lets out a statement. I start to fluster because she thinks I have a relationship with Baekhyun.

“Obviously no! We’re just friends plus why would he date me though? I’m just a normal girl with nothing,” I explain, sounding a bit of disappointment. It’s kinda hurt that my whole life doesn’t have anything special with it. I used to grow up with loving parents but it ended up with no happy ending. Even though mom already happily married to father, I’m just grateful to have the people who I can call a family.

“Gosh, Byul. Can you stop saying that you’re nothing? Come on, you’re beautiful and a smart ass person. Always look at the bright side and please,” Soomin stops for a second, grabbing my hand and caresses it. “-go and find someone that can make you happy. Inside and outside. Someone’s that worth to you and treats you like a real woman. I swear love can change everything in this life. You just need to try and take a risk for it.”

I swear, we’ve never talked about guys and I’ve never heard Soomin saying about a relationship this serious. Now the realisation hits me when both of us already turned 26 years old and within a few months before the new year, we’re turning 27. How time flies so fast that shows the way I’m growing out my youth and adult age with Soomin. No one can replace her spot as my best friend. I’m so grateful to have her but kinda sad knowing that she will leave me anytime by getting married with Sehun. It’s a relief that both of them are seriously in love with each other and I’m just hoping happiness for both of my best friends.

“Let’s finish this food first before I tear up,” I say to her and continue eating my food. Soomin just smiles and nods her head as she continues too. We both savour the kimchi fried rice and right after we’re done eating, I offer myself to do the dishes while Soomin can clear up the dining table. At least, we can finish this fast and continue our girls talk at the living room comfortably.

After we’re done having our breakfast, Soomin settles down on the couch while I run swiftly to my room, grabbing my phone in case there are any important notifications. Then, I plop myself right besides her and get ready to proceed with our previous conversation. Soomin suddenly becomes so quiet and that makes me worry about her.

I bring my hands to hold with hers, caressing them. “Hey… Is there anything that disturbing you right now?” I ask her softly, didn’t want to sound like I’m forcing her to answer it. Soomin lets out an audible sigh and shakes her head.

“It’s not that important but- Nevermind,” She resists to answer. I look at her with the softest smile that I can with a worried face. She sees me and giggles as Soomin shoves my face away to stop me making that kind of face. Finally both of us easing the tense situation.

She releases a final sigh before continuing, “Sehun proposed me to marry him…”

“WHAT?!! You’re not joking, right?” I shout loudly that cause her to cover both of her ears.

“I’m so happy for both of you!!” I say but she’s only plastering me with a smile. “Anything wrong with that?” I ask her this time, trying to dig deeper into this conversation.

“Byul, you know I love him so much right?” She asks me as I nod my head. “-but marriage is going to be a big responsibility to me, to Sehun. We’re going to commit a risk and I don’t think I’m ready despite me and Sehun to have been together for 5 years.”

“Then, what if he finds me boring after we get married and just leave me alone behind?... I’m just… scared to lose him.” Soomin explains more about it as she sounds like she’s going to tear up. I lift her head to look into my eyes, wiping the tears that escape.

“Soomin, Sehun is an incredible man and we both know that he never loved anyone else except you. Being scared in a relationship is normal but the most important thing is the trust in each other. Sehun would never leave you behind because he’s crazy in love with you, Soomin. It’s obvious! But, if you’re not ready to commit a new responsibility, talk to him. He will listen and understand. Trust me. Sehun is the same guy that we knew back in previous years. He’ll never change. Believe in each other and you guys will be forever to eternity.” I try to put everything in words, hoping she will understand everything and accept it. Soomin pauses for a moment without blinking her eyes then suddenly she pulls me for a big hug, tearing up. I caress her back up and down to calm her down. It feels good to know that she finally bursts out all her worries to me because at least we could share different opinions.

“Oh come on, don’t cry. You’re being a baby. Pfft.” I snigger but she still hugging me. When she starts to calm down, she breaks the hug and wipes her tears as her lips curve upwards. Suddenly, my phone rings at the wrong timing. I try to decline the call but Soomin insists for me to answer it. So I did. I look at the caller name and it’s finally Baekhyun.

“Hello! What are you doing? Did I disturb your sleep?” Baekhyun greets as he asks me.

“Baekhyun it’s like 10:30 am and you think I’m still sleeping?” I say and I can hear him chuckling.

“I’m going to pick you up at 1 pm so we can have our lunch together.”

“Alright. See you later then?” I say and he hums. Before I get to end the call, Baekhyun gets to continue, “See you, beautiful.”

I end the call with my heart’s fluttering but I put away my phone on the coffee table. Soomin has calmed down completely and waiting for me to say anything regarding the call. “Byun Baekhyun, is it?” She questions me and I can only nod my head.

“He’s going to pick you up?”

“At 1,” I say shortly.

“Take care then. Don’t let me kill him if he ever breaks your heart,” Soomin finally speaks the most important part and I can only laugh at it.

“We’re just friends, Soomin. Nothing more than that.” I confess to her the truth but she only glares fiercely that makes me throw a pillow on her. Within a few seconds later, we start a pillow fight in the living room. It’s good to have this quality time with her because I don’t even know when’s the next time.

I get myself to wear a beige turtleneck shirt in long sleeve and a long brown skirt to pair with it. Since it’s getting cold outside, at least I have the initiative to keep myself warm throughout the hang out with Baekhyun. After I bid goodbye with Soomin, I head straight to the lobby using the lift and wait for Baekhyun to arrive. Then, the same familiar black Audi car stops in front of me so I get into the passenger seat and greet him with a wide smile. Once I buckle up myself, I realise that the car doesn’t move at all and Baekhyun is busy admiring me.

He smirks silently and starts to drive the car with his one hand on the steering wheel. Baekhyun being extra annoying yet attractive nowadays. I think my heart needs to be stronger whenever he tries to make it beating like crazy.

“Where are we going?” I curiously ask as I turn to look at him.

Baekhyun stealing a few glances from the road, “COEX Mall. We’ll get our lunch first and we can roam around the mall. You can shop too if you want,” He suggests to me.

“Have you been to any cinema recently?”I ask him. Baekhyun shakes his head a few times.

“Then, can we watch any movies after we have lunch? It’s been months since the last I step on the cinema though. Pretty please?” It’s my turn to suggest but I didn’t realise that I sound like a begging child. Baekhyun lets out low chuckles before he nods his head. I squeal softly in excitement because he allows me to watch a movie. And I couldn’t wait to watch the movie with Byun Baekhyun for our first time. Together.

“What are you going to do during our first-semester break, Baekhyun?” I question him and savour a spoonful of spaghetti. I ordered spaghetti carbonara while he, on the other hand, ordered lamb chop. He forces me to eat at the western restaurant so here we are right now. It’s quite fancy but Baekhyun offers to treat me but I opted the less pricey food for my lunch meal.

“I don’t know? Probably staying and chilling at my house. And, playing video games I guess?” He answers while looking at me eating.

“Only playing video games? Sounds so boring. Boo~” I mock him as I giggle that makes him chuckle.

“Okay. At least, my holiday will become so hectic with my work shifts and might only get home only to sleep.” I finish my last bite and wipe off my mouth with a clean cloth. Baekhyun nods his head, hearing me diligently while trying to finish his food up.

“I’ll visit you often. No worries because I think I’m going to miss your coffee if I don’t get any during the break.” He confesses that he loves the coffee drinks that I make so much. After hearing his confession, I only able to chuckle softly.

I’m about to ask further about where he lives now and is he staying alone or with his family. But, Baekhyun makes me cancel my plan because he calls the waiter to ask for the bill. Once the waiter comes with the bill, Baekhyun doesn’t check on it but instead, he straightly gives his credit card. Now, he makes me more curious about his background. Maybe, he was born in a rich family so I don’t doubt that from the way of his living.

“The cinema, shall we?” He asks and I say ‘yes’ straight away.

We head straight to the cinema as we stare at the current movies showing on the monitor screen. “What are we going to watch?” I move to stand in front of him as I ask. Baekhyun is obviously taller than me because my chin is approximately at his shoulders but our height differences are perfect. He looks down to face me, staring into my eyes differently.

“You can choose anything that you want to watch, Hanbyul. Because I’m going to look at you during the whole movie,” He answers. I hit his chest lightly because he’s trying to be cheesy and it’s not good for my heart’s health. Baekhyun breaks into laughter and pushes me to the counter. “Go and choose anything. I don’t mind.” He says.

I roll my eyes and finally choose a movie; Five Feet Apart. It’s a melancholic romance movie and I’ve been anticipating to watch it. So, this is my chance. He is willing to pay the tickets because he keeps repeating that he already promised me to pay everything for today. And I couldn’t stop him. Once we’ve got our tickets, I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room while waiting for our movie hall.

When I leave the ladies’ room and head back to Baekhyun, I’m seeing him talking with a woman. She has her hand on his shoulder as she was kinda close to Baekhyun. But, he doesn’t budge at all. I walk towards them as when Baekhyun realises I’m back, he calls my name.

“I’ll see you later. Goodbye, Baekhyun oppa and enjoy your movie!” She bids goodbye and Baekhyun just plasters a smile.

“Who is it? Your friend?” I curiously ask him.

“Yeah,” He simple answers. Suddenly, our hall has been called. “Let’s go in already.”

I follow him from behind and walk to our hall. There are only a few people in the hall as I sit comfortably besides Baekhyun. We wait for the advertisements to play before the movie starts so I already open the popcorn and start munching. As I tilt my head to offer the popcorn, Baekhyun stares at me.

“Popcorn?” I offer and he suddenly opens up his mouth. Is he expecting me to feed him? What should I do?

I give the whole popcorn to him, “Feed yourself, big boy.” I giggle when I can see him pouting even though the hall is currently dark. He scoffs softly and digs into the popcorn, munching them. The movie starts as I have my full attention on the big widescreen. While busy eating and drinking, I feel kinda uncomfortable. I slowly turn to face him, Baekhyun’s currently looking at me.

“Why are you staring at me?” I go closer to him and whisper because I don’t want to get scolded by the others from talking loudly.

“I already told you that I’m only looking at you.” He says. My heart stops for a second.

“Come on, Baekhyun. It’s a great movie!” I partially beg and force him to watch the movie as Baekhyun chuckles softly before averting his gaze to the screen. I continue to watch the movie when I confirm that he will not stare at me because he will make me go all flush. And I couldn’t focus on the movie afterwards.

After the movie ended, I have my eyes swollen with tears because the movie got me wailing hard and Baekhyun can only offer his napkin to me. We leave the hall and I still have my red eyes. He has his hands keep in the pocket as he chuckles.

“Are you laughing at me, Mr Baekhyun?” I stop in my tracks and glare at him. Baekhyun changes his expression from a happy to normal face. I ignore him, leaving him behind as an act of revenge. He chases me from behind.

“Where do you want to go next? Shopping?” Baekhyun walks right beside me while waiting for my answer.

When I was about to do so, someone calls my name. “Hanbyul!”

“Oh my god! Kim Jongin!” I jog to the person and hug him into my arms. Baekhyun was left clueless at behind, witnessing me hugging a guy right in front of him.

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bigmafluff · 3 years

Text

Unreal Love Story “Henry Cavill” chapters 1-3

Sequel To My Story “Tom Hiddleston”

Summery

“ Tom Dear ! She is gone!” His mother says when her son barges thru her front door. Diana Hands a sobbing Charlie to His Stunned father Leading them into the house to a computer sitting @ her kitchen table with a flash drive in it. Just as Tom is about to say something . His Mom hush's them both and starts the video. I start with calming Charlie through the computer. “ Hello Little one . I'm am sorry I have to leave you so. But You are a strong young man . Sometimes even stronger than your father at times. Just know that I love you dear one and will always be your special friend . Now dry those tears and Go see Nanna . So Your dad and I can talk.” I said to Charlie thru the computer. Tom Knew after that our relationship was over maybe had been over for a while.

Chapter 1

Numbness,& NASCAR

I couldn't Stay in London. It hurt too much all I saw was pain. I couldn't go home yet still felt like I failed myself some how so home wouldn't work. So I numbed myself out in Cali. I did what I swore I wouldn't. I went full Party Girl. Between the parties ,clubs, Bars I was wasted most of the time. But I knew that being In Love Like this before then Losing love has it's down side . Tom and I had been it for 3 years. But towards the end I was more His son's nanny than his girlfriend . Most of his friends warned me this was one sided . He never got over Sophia Di Marino ,Charlie's Mom. The split was Mutual. I'm Not mad to be truthful. Annoyed really that I let it go on this long ..

So California I went , to numb the hurt. I don't give a rat's ass what they say about better to have Loved crap ! It still hurt's dammit! So Party Shannon I became. I still wrote my stories without impairment. By day I was the mildly hungover writer coffee in hand . Luca was still Daydreaming so I was still writing. But @ night Let's just say in the great words of Bill & Ted .” Party on Dudes” So I did. Shaking my ass Beer in hand in a club in south beach ! Rockin' out to Pink. I am vaguely aware I am Jamming with a rather large Englishmen Go Figure ! He has a familiar tone I can't place ,frankly all I see is curls ,beard & muscle , Cause I'm too drunk and don't care but he was hot and can grind Like no other. But even though I was no lady ,he was a gentleman And at the end of the night I was in my Hotel room clothes and dignity intact.

Woke the next morning with another hangover that I never use to get when I was younger. They still Suck! UGH! I'm about to start typing when I get a feed from TMZ. “TWH PROPOSES TO SDM!” I switch on my TV and sure enough The rock on her finger is massive and Charlie Looks so Happy . The numbness lifts along with the pain . I can see the sun again so I finally pack my stuff .

But not for England . I head home. I decide I need time with my son . So Arkansas, Hot Springs that is. Although when I get there I find out my son is in Florida . In Daytona Beach. At the Racetrack! My nephew Christian and his wife Kiki took Lucas to a NASCAR race and Somehow Lucas Landed a job as head mechanic for Carlos Contreras's race team. Shocked as I was, I get on a flight to Florida it is a good shocked but WOW. I got a Hotel room and then went to the track . Took me a little convincing to get in . Security walked me to the Pit where I found my baby boy covered in grease. Under a car . When Lucas jumped up and hugged me they left us alone . test moment's in a parent's life is seeing your child seceded at something he loves. This was Lucas's dream !Like writing is for me. It was his turn. Lucas Introduced me to Carlos with sparkles in his eyes . Carlos seemed to Like what My Son does. Even tells me that Because of my Boy, Carlos has won 8 races. How more proud can I get I am in tears. While I was here I went to a few races and Lucas and I raided the theme parks. Then one night Lucas had a grown up moment and told me I had to go back to the U.K.. He said I write my best stuff there and I need to make peace with Myself. How did my Autistic Son get so smart. Then he tells me. He is a big Guy now and He didn't need his Mom to hover.

Chapter 2

Something New

So once I'm back in London. I dust off My flat that Luke made sure I got despite me moving in with Tom. Besides writing, a few friend's gave me the intro to the London night life and I found a outlet to unwind . But I didn't drown myself like in Cali. But I still maintained my Party Mama status. Also I am exercising regularly, to compensate for the Night life . But I found that I have way's now that I am Back to make exercising fun. I do the Gym of course. But I also like rollerskating in Hyde or St. James park, when it's sunny. I found a Ice Skating rink that is 7 day's a week. And there is a indoor pool at the Gym I go to. .

But I realized some things while I was home in the states. I can't ever forget where I came from . So I pay it forward to 4 special organizations for charity and I never write them off my taxes . I went back to church I actually found a Nazarene church in the U.K. Honestly Church is what keeps me semi sober in the clubs on Friday and Saturday. No hangovers in Gods house .So I have been busy. By maintaining the order of my life like I did way before when My soul purpose was being a MOM. God, Family Friends career is a new addition but not that high on the list.

I found a way to keep myself going .My heart has even healed to a point and I am actually making good friends with “ The Hiddleston “ I can't even comprehend The fact that Sophia took Tom's name . I didn't think her agent's would let her do that. Any how I Am officially Aunty Shannon to Charlie and he even still talks to Lucas and they talk cars regularly according to Tom. As for right now though I'm actually doing more than writing I am at The Harold Pinter theater in London as a Producer and assistant to Kenneth Branaugh the director of a play Based on one of my fan fiction stories . It's a Vampire Love story with a family twist. No Not Twilight no blood sucking fairies here. But what has me excited is the cast . Tom is in it along a whole bunch of my fave idol's Including Henry Cavill as the male lead. . OK! I fibbed Kenny doesn't need me the whole time so I am writing when I am not teaching Charlie Who is acting for the first time. Tom is One Proud Papa! I will tell you what. And Charlie Looks like he is having a wonderful time despite playing a Girl demon!

also I do have a little Mystery of my own I am trying to solve. Every morning when I get to work. Yes I'm getting paid for this production. I go to my seat and drink my coffee but I find a different colored long stem lily in the seat . I asked Tom. If Charlie was doing it and I even ask Ken. None said It was them. Both even offered to investigate with me . Saying they have a little experience because they played P.I.'s

I was actually flattered I had an admirer. I just hope I won't regret taking the Lily more seriously. Anyway The play is gearing up for opening night I called Lucas's aide Reed to Se if He will be able to be in London for my Play . Which If it does well it will head to the States and go on Broadway. Now tell me if that ain't totally awesome. I.K.R. We as far as my Book's are concerned Luca start's Middle School. So Social interaction and puberty mixes in with his amazing world which should make for a wild ride for our readers. My honorary nephew is even reading them which make's my heart sing Oh! So I don't leave it out my lily was Aquamarine and silk today not real but it had a pink bow and it sparkled . He-he! Who ever this is knows I like things that sparkle. It makes me giddy.

Opening Night!!!!

My Lucas is here . Looking Just Like he did Prom Night When he took my god daughter to the prom. My boy is So handsome. Lucas has been working out so My lucas is Tall and Jacked thanks to His Buddy Phillip Hull. We get to ride in a Limo It will be Lucas's first time in one. Me! I'm In all Red Long red hair with a touch of gray at the temple and proud of it. A Long Jessica rabbit dress that sparkles in the light. Red flat's I ain't that crazy . It's gonna be a long night and I am in my 50's Heels are not in the program. I had red cloves and a red silk Shaw. I felt amazing and all my boy could say is Wow mama Look Pretty! LOL! I am also excited not only for the play but according to the Little note I got with My Red Rose that was sitting in my seat on the last day of practice. I get to meet my admirer tonight too

So Lucas and I are off Lucas is Like a school boy Looking around and he is also a little nervous. I can tell he Keeps Playing with his collar and tie. I made sure Luke had a pair of ear buds and his fave music in a MP3. And sunglasses to help with Lucas's experience. Plus so he doesn't have to deal with the red carpet stuff Reed is here so Lucas will be with me only for a few pictures then Reed will take him inside while I deal with the popularity this sold out play has caused . New York here we come!!!!!!

Lucas went inside as planned. And Luke is by my side in his place as my escort. Luke felt I shouldn't be alone. Because of the split and Tom's marriage. Even though Tom and I are cool talking about and he is even here with Taylor so I'm cool. I was having lot's of fun taking little interview's and pictures and such. Luke always said I was surprisingly easy going in the lime light and it shows tonight. `Sophia , Ken and I had some fun with the photo people and Kissed Each side of Tom's cheeks while he was trying to pic up Kenneth, then we Bent down to Kiss Ken's cheeks when Tom dropped him on his butt ,our booties where purposely in the air. Let's Just say we made Kenny's night! I was all in good fun Tom told me that Charlie was inside with new Hot wheels car's to show Lucas cause they are NASCAR ones.

Finishing up the pictures and fixing to go inside I was about to give up hope on there being an admirer. When I went to take one last. Picture, Henry Cavill came to Join me in the picture and whispered in my ear to Look down, as he grabbed my waist for the picture . I did. And their was a pink Lily and a white rose in his hand tied in a pink bow. Let's Just say that pic had my mouth hanging open and Henry laughing as we went in to the theater. Let the new dance begin.

Lois Lane never Got Superman this way Ha!

Chapter 3

Don't jump! One moment @ a Time.

As far as the play went it was as major success. I couldn't pay attention at all . I was staring at Henry the whole time In awe of all of this.As far as I was concerned it was like I had never tasted this before . I won't lie, it scares the shit out of me . I was a ball of nerves the whole play . It was Thomas all over again. @ least that was what I thought. Until Henry asked if I would sign a book for is Nephews Daughter who has Down syndrome. I was politely surprised . He then introduced himself to my Son. Which Lucas can recognize any actor who has ever played a Superhero or villain . Henry was one of our faves. He asked if we wanted to grab a bite to eat . Lucas always could eat. Even in his 30's endless Belly! Can you see 3 adult's in fancy dress in Mc. Donald's. I Loved it Because Henry took the liberty to date Lucas first. To me that Mc. Donald's was 5 stars. The Limo dropped 2 very full and sleepy men at My son's Hotel. I was sparkling in happiness. We pulled up in front of my flat but Henry wouldn't let me out yet. I think he wants to talk . So naturally I listened.

fore I could even say anything He Quieted me and held my hand . Baby Blues connected. Then he spoke. “ Shannon I know what you went through with Hiddleston. I grilled him after meeting you . Actually I'm kinda surprised he didn't rat me out. Story for another time. Now that you understand my intent. I want time. Time to know you. Also before you get nervous, will it help If I got permission from Lucas to date you and Charlie Hiddleston second's the permission. I'm normally a prideful Man But Shannon something inside Tell's me I am supposed to started something new with You. I want get to know you Date you proper. If anything let's see where it goes. Even if we don't connect more personally . We can at least catch a grind to a tune and groove like buddies”.

My breath hitch because I just realize that dude I was grinding with in California at that club. The English Dude. That was Henry!!!!! He notices my blush and Shakes his head showing me the bracelet. I smack his shoulder Laughing my Blush off. Then I told him I am willing to try and if all else fails Partying in New York won't get boring . Then he kissed my Palm and let me out . I gave him my # and told him to give me a call when he was ready to try. The Limo waited till I was Inside. But instead of Leaving The door opened and Henry came running up to me . Grabbed my waist, pulled me close and Kissed me. We exploded!!!!

Hand in Hand at JFK airport Henry and I go straight to the Hotel . No Not for that . We came early so Henry could as he says Court me proper. LOL! There is nothing I'd rather do the then run all over NYC for the first time with Henry. I have jumped in fully no comparing to any other love . This is true Eros and I'm going with the flow. That was our agreement for each other the next morning after the Play. To Just Love & enjoy till the fluffy lady quits singing.

I exploded because of SuperMan!

{None of this story is real the pic are from Googles images !!!!!!!!!!!!}

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avengerscompound · 4 years

Text

Like Rabbits - Chapter 15

Like Rabbits: A Black Widow/WinterHawk Fanfic

Masterlist // PREVIOUS

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Rating: E Square: @ladiesofmarvelbingo - N4, "If this is love, loving you is easy."

Word Count: 2510

Warnings: Labor, Clint uses Nitrous Oxide

Synopsis: While you and Natasha are contemplating starting a family together, Bucky and Clint are doing the exact same thing. So two couples go take the same path to parenthood together.

A/N: This is a Nat/Reader chapter.

Chapter 15

Natasha had started to worry. Things had been going really well … with everything really. The babies had been growing well and you’d had minimal issues. Just a bout of sciatica that made your whole left leg go numb for a few days and the weird vivid dreams. Your blood pressure had been good. The babies were the same size. You were a little uncomfortable but otherwise fine.

That should have meant Natasha would relax. It did the opposite. She kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and everything to fall apart. So when you started making little pained noises and rubbing the middle of your back, she was sure that something bad was about to happen. She had visions of when she’d miscarried and woken up in her own blood. You kept reassuring her that it was just Braxton Hicks contractions. But all Natasha could think was it was still too soon and something was about to go wrong. The fact that Clint and Bucky had decided to go away this very weekend seemed to solidify that fact.

By the afternoon you had started to stop much more regularly and the sounds you made really were beginning to sound like you were in a lot of pain.

“I don’t think it’s Braxton Hicks, zaika,” Natasha said, coming over and rubbing your back for you.

“It has to be, Tasha. It’s too early.” You whined.

“Dorogaya,” she cooed. “They said anytime and we need to make sure they’re okay. If you’re in pain we should get to the hospital.”

You huffed. “Maybe if I call them?”

“Alright, zaika. But if they even say you should maybe come in just in case. We’re going in.” Natasha said.

“Okay, Tasha,” you said and waddled over to get your phone. As you walked Natasha noticed you were dripping some kind of fluid on the floor.

“Zaika,” she said gently, pointing at your crotch. “You’re leaking.”

You looked down at yourself and frowned. “Did I pee myself?”

“I don’t know. Did you? Or did your waters just break?” She asked.

“No… Tasha. It’s too soon.” You said, trying to make it reality by just arguing about it. “Besides, Clint and Bucky went away.”

She came over to you and wrapped her arms around you, letting you melt into them. “Call the hospital, I’ll call the dumbass exes. We’re gonna have our babies, zaika.”

You nuzzled into her neck for a moment and pulled away. “Okay. Can you pack a bag too?” You asked.

“Of course, my love,” she said.

You went and grabbed your phone and Natasha headed upstairs, dialing Bucky on her way.

It didn’t take long before he’d answered. “Tasha? Is something wrong?” He said in his usual greeting.

“James,” Natasha answered, attempting to remain calm but not 100% sure she was managing it. “I realize you probably only just arrived. But you need to come back. She’s in labor.”

“Fuck. What the hell?” Bucky cursed down the line. It actually made Natasha relax a little and she dug out the bag that was already half packed with things for the hospital. She could hear Clint and Bucky scrambling around in through the phone as she started to pack.

“She’s been having labor pains all day but she kept telling me it was false ones. But her water just broke. So we’re going in. I will call again, but I think you should have time to get back. But… you know. Hurry.” She said.

“We’re leaving.” It was Clint this time, obviously having snatched the phone off Bucky. “Tell her to keep her legs together.”

Natasha laughed and disconnected the call. She finished packing the last few things you needed and brought the bag down. “Ready?”

You were leaned over the table panting. She moved up behind you and began to massage your back. “Why didn’t I realize?”

“You were just being optimistic. You thought they’d make it until your induction day.” She said, her hands kneading your lower back.

The contraction seemed to pass and the two of you went out to the car together. It was a long drive from the farm to the hospital, and while you only had two contractions on the way the second seemed closer and stronger to Natasha.

You checked in and changed into your button-up nightshirt in the labor room, another contraction hitting as you were putting it on. Natasha worked your back again as it hit, wishing there was something more she could do to help you.

The first of what would be many midwives came in and put a monitor on you and set you up in bed, telling you they just needed to monitor the twins for a little while, and if everything was fine, you could get up and move around. She also checked how far you were dilated and it was only four centimeters. “You’re in for a long haul.” She warned.

Three contractions hit while you were on the monitor and they definitely seemed worse for being stuck in the bed. Natasha held your hand through them and in between she put on the music you wanted to listen to and lit a scented candle to help cover up the hospital smell.

You had been let up to move around when Clint and Bucky burst into the room.

“Are you okay? Did we miss it?” Clint said as he skidded to a halt in the room.

“Still a long way off. It’s fine.” Natasha said.

“Thank god,” Bucky said. “Do you need anything, bun?”

“Ice chips. I’m so hot.” You complained. “Can you make the aircon colder?”

“You got it.” He said and went and adjusted the aircon before heading back out into the corridor. Natasha knew how he felt about hospitals and she knew he’d try and keep busy to distract himself from where he was.

Unfortunately, the nurse was not lying. Three hours into your labor you had stripped naked because no matter how ice-cold they made it in the room you were sweating. All concept of shame shoved right out of your head. You didn’t care who saw you at all. Natasha took you to the bathroom and you stood under the cool water of the shower. After an hour of doing that you couldn’t stand up anymore and Clint put on a pair of swim trunks and hopped in with you. Bucky had gotten you an exercise ball and you sat on it, leaning against Clint while Natasha rubbed your back. Every time a contraction hit, she’d up the heat of the water and hold the nozzle against your back.

An hour after that they made you go on the monitor again for two hours. In that time, you lost your ability to cope at all and they gave you the nitrous. That didn’t seem to help with the pain exactly. Each contraction you still reacted exactly as you had before. Squeezing Bucky’s metal hand as Natasha rubbed your back and you moaned and cried out in pain. But it did seem to make you cope for a little while. You started giggling in between contractions and when you were asked what was so funny you couldn’t explain it. You ended up sharing the nitrous with Clint and the two of you just completely lost it in fits of giggles. Natasha was just glad you were still in good spirits.

It didn’t last though. The nitrous started making you really confused and disorientated. Thankfully they let you off the bed again and you returned to the bathroom. This time filling the tub and climbing in. Bucky sat on the edge, letting you doze against him as Natasha held the nozzle against your back through each contraction.

You stayed in the tub for two hours. The water gradually getting topped up each time it cooled off too much. When you got out to have everything checked again you had pruned up from the water. The babies were doing fine. You were still only five centimeters dilated.

The process was repeated for another ten hours. Walking. Bath. Monitor with nitrous.

“Why is this taking so long?” You cried. When the nurses left the room.

“They said with twins natural is much harder,” Natasha soothed, as she patted our brow with a cool cloth. “Do you want to try an epidural?”

“No. No. I wanted to be present for this.” You sobbed.

“Honey. You will be. It just numbs you below the waist.” She said. “Remember? “You could try pethidine,, but that will actually make you feel high.”

Another contraction hit and you doubled over, breathing through it.

The monitors started to make loud beeping sounds and two of the midwives came rushing in.

“What’s going on?” Bucky said standing and trying to look over their shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

“The babies are in a little bit of distress.” One said as the other checked you over. “We’re going to get your doctor in here.”

The one nurse rushed off to make the call as the other stayed and started to do an ultrasound. Natasha's heart was racing. This was it. This was where it all fell apart. There would be no babies to take home. She wouldn’t be doing midnight feedings or singing them to sleep. It was being taken from her again.

“What does that mean? What’s going to need to happen?” Bucky asked, sounding just as panicked as she felt.

“We’ll wait for the doctor to get here. Okay?” She said. “Try not to panic.”

Which of course only made it worse. The doctor took half an hour to get there. By the time he arrived, you’d thrown up and Natasha felt like she was going to too.

She looked at the charts and the reading and frowned. “Okay. We’re going to need to get this show on the road. You’re going to need to have a cesarean and it’s going to need to happen now.

“No,” you said with obvious panic setting in. “Tasha. I wanted to deliver them naturally.”

“I know honey, but things change.” Natasha soothed.

“Listen to your wife,” the doctor said, as two orderlies rushed in. “We’re going to take good care of you, and when you wake up, you’ll have two healthy babies, but if we don’t do this now, I can’t promise that.”

“I won’t even be awake? Tasha?”

“It’s okay, zaika. I won’t leave your side.” Natasha said.

Bucky had started cursing under his breath and Clint took his hand and held it against his mouth. As the orderlies pushed the bed out into the hall, Natasha walked with you, holding your hand and soothing you as the boys followed on behind. They washed up and she returned to your side in a surgical gown and cap

You were put under a general anesthetic and when you counted off, everything happened so fast. Maybe it was the lack of sleep not allowing her to process things, but it felt like the had only just set up the screen when they had taken out the first of her daughters. Bucky and Clint stood with her and Bucky had gone so white she worried he was going to pass out. But when Rebecca’s cries filled the room, all the color returned again and tears filled his eyes. They were only given a moment to see her before they rushed her way to give her medical attention. She had only just been whipped away when Lyra had joined the world.

“If you want to go and spend time with your daughters, we’ll be here for another half an hour.” The doctor said.

“I’ll stay,” Natasha said.

“You sure, Nat? You don’t want to see them?” Clint asked.

“I promised I wouldn’t leave her side,” Natasha replied. “I’ll meet them when she gets to.”

Clint and Bucky nodded and each of them kissed her cheek before following the nurses out to the NICU.

Natasha stayed by your side as they stitched you back up and wheeled you out to recovery. She was there when you groggily opened your eyes and looked around confused by your surroundings. She held your hand and soothed you as you started to cry and couldn’t form the words as to why you were so upset. And when the nurse came over and checked you over and gave you some juice and a sandwich to help get your blood sugar back up she held your juice cup for you so you could just lie and sip it through a straw without spilling it everywhere.

“Are they okay, Tasha?” You asked.

“I haven’t seen them yet.” She said. “I assume so or I think Bucky and Clint would have come to let me know.”

“Why didn’t you go see them?” You asked.

“I said I wouldn’t leave your side, zaika,” Natasha said. “So I haven’t.”

“But your babies? Why would you stay with me?”

She leaned down and kissed your forehead tenderly. “Because I love you.”

“If this is love, loving you is easy.” You whispered.

She smiled and ran her fingers over your scalp. “So easy.”

You let out a breath and smiled. “Can we see them?”

“I’ll go find someone. Will you be okay?”

You nodded and she got up and went and found a nurse. That kicked things into gear again. The truth was Natasha was anxious. She wanted to meet her daughters and the no news thing wasn’t helping at all.

They had some orderlies move you down to your room and switched you on to your hospital bed. You were just settling in when Clint and Bucky came in followed by one of the nurses pushing an incubator.

“Hey there mommies,” Clint said. “You ready to see your girls?”

The nurse moved the crib close to the bed. Natasha’s heart caught. They were tiny and wrinkled and dressed in diapers that looked huge on them and pink onesies. They had what looked like a heart rate monitor attached to them, but other than that no other tubes or wires, which Natasha took as a good thing. And they looked like you. A tear escaped and for a second Natasha questioned who exactly she was because she didn’t cry. Not ever.

“Would you like to hold your babies?” The nurse asked.

“Yes, yes, please. Is that okay?” You asked.

“Of course, they’re both very healthy. You did a good job, mama. They took a little oxygen and warming up but they recovered very quickly.” The nurse said taking out the baby with the name tag reading Lyra Yelena Barnes-Romanoff. She put the tiny little bundle in your arms and you held her close and sniffed her head. “You can try feeding them if you like.”

Rebecca was taken out next and placed into Natasha’s arms. Natasha smelled her just as you had done with Lyra. She wore that distinctive newborn scene and right away Natasha knew she was in love and that would never get taken away from her. Not ever.

// NEXT

184 notes · View notes

dapper-ships-herself · 4 years

Text

Reunion

Takes place during and after the alliance negotiation in season 2

---------

"They say that evil expects evil from others. I don't like the idea of allying with you either."

"Are your memories of the port mafia really all that bad?" Mori asked. "You must have some good memories. Like... Oh yes, you had some good friends, didn't you? I recall you had a small quintet you'd go drinking with. Don't you remember?"

Dazai's eyes narrowed "I remember." He said. He'd never actually discussed those times with Mori, but he didn't wonder how he knew.

"You certainly musr remember them fondly. It's such a shame, what happened; it's not often you find friends like that. Gillian was part of your group, wasn't she?" It wasn't really a question. "Poor dear. I know she was so sullen after you took off. Hardly spoke a word unless ordered to for at least a month."

“That’s too bad. I do hope she’s better now.”

“I believe so, although you don’t have to just take my word for it.”

Beneath Mori, his shadow twisted and darkened, and from it a silhouette rose. Wispy pieces of darkness fell off on the wind, and the form of Mori’s personal guard, the living shadow of the port mafia, Gillian was revealed.

“Isn’t it nice? Reunions are always so special. How about it, anything you’d like to say to your oldest friend?” Mori glanced down at the girl beside him.

She frowned, and the ice in her eyes was enough to freeze a lesser man solid. “I have nothing to say to him.” A simple statement, but packed with quiet venom.

“So harsh, dear!” He laughed and patted her on the head. “Come now, not a thing to say at all? Dazai, what about you?”

Dazai bit the inside of his lip, a barely noticeable shift in expression as he felt the myriad of feelings rise within him. Of course he’d known all along that she’d be here, there was no way Mori would allow himself to be even a little vulnerable without his petite bodyguard, it would have been a naïve hope to think she wouldn’t be there. Knowing and seeing are two different things, though. It was obvious Mori was trying to rile him up with this, perhaps even attempting to use Gillian as a tool to entice Dazai back to his side, so he was careful in making sure his expression didn’t change anymore. There was no way he would give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d affected him.

Mori sighed exaggeratedly and clicked his tongue “Kids these days. It's been nice talking to you lot. I do believe we'd best be on our way.”

Gillian turned in step with Ogai, but in that moment, her eyes bore into Dazai’s, an incalculable depth glaring into his very being. A typhoon of thoughts swirling in the icy blue, all centered on him.

The mafia group walked away, the agency watching until they were swallowed by the distance.

---

Dazai walked down the empty side walk, the setting sun casting long shadows all around him. A wall, just between shoulder and waist height, stood alongside his path. Tall trees rose from behind the wall at regular intervals, their shadows spilling out over the barricade.

He passed one of those trees, and stopped short.

Behind him, Gillian sat on the wall where she hadn’t been just before, right in the middle of the tree’s thick shadow.

Dazai didn’t turn around. Neither said a word.

The silence stretched until Gillian tilted her head back to the sky and said “Hey.”

His lip twitched up for just a second at the simple greeting. “Hey.” He said. He'd missed her soft voice. Even that single word danced through his ears and into his core like a whispered caress.

“Can you believe that was the first time we’ve been face to face in four years?”

“Seems like just yesterday we saw each other nearly everyday.”

“And yet it also feels like a lifetime ago.”

Dazai turned around so he faced Gillian “I thought you had “nothing to say” to me. What brings you here, so chatty all of a sudden?”

She shrugged, still facing the sky “I lied earlier. Truth is, I have so many things to say to you that none of them will come out, certainly nothing to be saying in front of the company we had.”

“Is this where we have that conversation, then?”

Her eyes flicked down to look into his “I thought if I ever saw you again, I’d burst out with everything I’d felt since I saw you last. I thought I’d scream at you. Now, I’m just kind of numb.” Only half a lie, the numbness was created by her sorrow and anger all fighting to get out, clogging her throat and stopping anything from getting through.

“If you’re not here to yell, what were you hoping to accomplish by following me?”

She didn’t respond, her eyes going back to the sunset. When she spoke again, it was to say “Did you know I actually did see you once before today, after you left?”

He raised an eyebrow “Did you, now?”

“It was about a year ago. I was on my way to an assignment, and suddenly there you were, across the street, strolling so casually next to a blond man in glasses. You smiled, and you said something that made him mad, and that only made you smile more. You looked so natural, like that had always been your life, like the mafia had been a bad dream. It made me furious; an awful roaring rage right in my gut, my whole body shook. I think I cracked the brick of the corner I was gripping just to keep myself in place. I’d wanted to storm across the street and make you feel that rage through blood, even if I had to do it without my ability. I ran into the shadows before I did anything regretful. Really, I ran, isn’t that shameful? The living shadow doesn’t run from anyone, that’s not how I was trained. Yet, that’s what happened that day when I saw you.”

“So, you do hate me after all. I kind of figured.”

“Hate... What I hate is that I can’t say yes to that. All these feelings, I wish they were so simple. Really, I might even be a bit jealous of you. Since the moment I joined the Port Mafia, there has been nothing I want more than to quit. You were always content with you place, you even seemed to relish in your position at the times you didn’t just seem bored by everything. You didn’t understand my feelings about the mafia, couldn’t have. I thought one day you might even become my boss, I never thought you’d leave. Without so much as a good bye, even.”

“I did leave a note.” He said.

“A blank piece of paper with just your name signed on the bottom left in the middle of my bed doesn't count as a note, Osamu.”

“I guess it was just like you said, I had so many words to say that none of them would come out.”

Gillian just shook her head at Osamu’s response. “What a loud of crap. Do you remember the last time the four of us were at Lupin’s bar together?” She changed the subject.

“How could I forget?”

“Do you remember how I asked you guys if you wanted any souvenirs from my job? I promised I’d bring you each back something special. None of you gave me a very good answer as to what you wanted, Ango and Odasaku just said whatever, and you said I should look around for any interesting black market poisons, so I said I’d just pick something out. On my very first day there, I was walking around to familiarize myself with the area, when I caught sight of something in a shop window. It was an absolutely adorable set of charms, and something about them just reminded me so much of our little group. I bought them, also because I thought it would be funny for mafia members to have matching keychains. I was so excited to give them to you all…” She reaches into her pocket, and when her hand emerges there are four charms hanging off her fingers. “Ango wouldn’t let me give him his,” She taps one, a small brown cat with an unamused expression on its face, “Oda…” She taps another, a wolf with light gray fur sitting tall, “This one is mine,” She taps a third, a small weasel with eyes that stared deep into a person, and then a fourth, an orange fox with eyes suggesting a sly smile “and this one I picked out for you.”

“It’s very cute, and I must say I can see the resemblance.” He says. His tone is light, and he smiles, but the hand shoved in his pocket is in a tight fist.

She hops down from the stone wall, and in the same motion tosses one of the charms to Dazai, who catches it easily. “Here.”

It’s not his charm she gives him, it’s hers.

He looks at it, cupped in the palm of his hand, for once at a loss for words.

“Why this one?” He finally brings himself to ask.

“Because you may have been able to move on and forget me with ease when you left, but each of you took a part of me with you. I can never let you three go, no matter how much I want to. So take my charm, let it be a reminder, of what you, of me. If I actually ever meant anything to you, that is.” She turned her gaze away from him, towards the path with its ever increasing shadows cast by the day’s setting sun. “It’s getting late; the boss will be expecting me soon. Take care, Osamu.”

Dazai found himself unable to move, the adorable charm in his hand a great weight, burning his skin with a searing pain. Its soft texture may very well have been needle sharp. His head swam, his throat dry. These feelings…

Dimly, he heard her foot step as she turned her body away from him. His head shot up, a look in his eyes bordering on desperation, very unlike himself, a sudden inexplicable emotion taking over. He needed to touch her, needed to say so many things in that moment. The charm branded him, pulled out the twisting, roiling feelings he’d pushed aside and locked up with a delicate key. He hadn’t wanted to leave her, he had to. He would have just lost her anyway if he’d tried to take her with him, everything he values was always taken from him. It was best for her to forget him. He needed her to understand. Dazai hardly considered himself to be a man to make excuses and try and defend himself to others just to please them; Gillian though, he needed, he needed her to understand. He could never forget her. His hand shot forward. He'd held it all in, but the thought of her leaving with all these things left unsaid after so long drive him forward. “Wait!”

His hand passed through a dark haze and was left with air, her ability already taking her into the shadows before he could make contact. He was alone on that stretch of side walk once again.

Slowly, he brought his hand back to his side, watching the place she’d stood, shoulders sagging. The desperation left him as quickly as it’d overtaken him, leaving him with a numb acceptance.

He turned on his heel, and continued on his way, leaving the shadowed path behind.

#self ship #self shipper #self ship community #self ship writing #self shipping #bsd spoilers #dapper writes #dazian #dapper inserts

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lokifiction · 6 years

Text

Ice Packs

Loki takes care of his partner after wisdom teeth extraction surgery.

Category: Oneshot

Rating: Teen

Notes: For this oneshot to work out the way I wanted to, I knew I somehow had to take away Loki’s magic, because if he had his magic, nothing in this oneshot would have to occur and I wouldn’t have a plot. However, I didn’t want to take away from that plot for a big explanation as to why he doesn’t have his magic, so just fyi before you read: I imagined this as a scenario where Loki died and was resurrected after Infinity War, but the process to bring him back to life depleted his magic considerably, and it has to slowly return to his full range within a year or so. Hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Language; descriptions of blood, anesthesia, and other things that go along with wisdom teeth surgery.

Masterlist

“Promise me that you’ll film me when I come out of there.”

Loki looked over at me from the driver’s seat and frowned. “Why on Earth would I do that?”

“Because.” I giggled. “People usually act really hilariously when they’re coming off of anesthesia. I’m a bit excited to see how I’ll be.”

Loki pinched the bridge of his nose. Currently, he was driving me into the oral surgeon’s office for my wisdom teeth extraction, and didn’t have the best attitude regarding the situation.

“I really don’t see the necessity of putting yourself through such a superfluous procedure,” he snapped.

“It’s not superfluous,” I insisted. “Humans get it done to prevent pain when the molars grow in and so that our teeth don’t go crooked from the crowding.”

“Yes, but there must be a simpler way.” He tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel. Throughout the whole process, he hadn’t been too keen on me being put under anesthesia and having a “stranger” go to town in my mouth with a scalpel. “Something that doesn’t involve a surgical procedure.”

“Ah, but then it wouldn’t make the dental people as much money,” I teased.

“If I had my full range of magic, I could remove them from your jaw with a snap of my fingers, and you’d never feel a thing.”

“That would be nice, but the thing is that you don’t have full range of your magic right now. And you won’t for a little while yet.” I put my hand on his thigh, clad in a pair of black jeans that hugged him in all the right places. “It’ll be completely fine, I promise. Literally almost everyone has this done at some point or another. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

Loki harrumphed and drew his brows together in stubborn defiance, but placed his hand on top of mine and rubbed my knuckles in silent trust.

In a few short minutes, we pulled into the surgeon’s office. Loki hovered over my shoulder as I signed release forms, and poured over the aftercare instruction pamphlets with religious fervor. I chuckled at his zeal, but my attention was primarily focused on the aquarium in the waiting room.

“Loki, look.” I pointed out a pair of clownfish. “They’re kissing.”

“I can’t look, darling,” he replied. “I have to make sure I understand all of this material.”

“Come on, you’ll have the whole time I’m back there to look at that.” I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, scanning the papers and wondering what I was getting myself into.

“I really don’t see why I can’t be back there with you,” he continued. “My presence is allowed in all of your other Midgardian doctor’s appointments.”

“This is different. It’s a surgical procedure; the environment has to be sterile.”

He pouted. “I’m very clean.”

“That’s not at all what I mean.”

“Still. If this was Asgard, no matter the severity of a procedure, I would be by your side. The healers would work around me as they were trained to do.”

“Yes, but this isn’t Asgard.” I reached out and twirled a strand of his hair round my finger. “It’ll be fine. They’re just teeth.”

Behind us, the door leading back into the dental offices opened, and a nurse called my name.

“I’ll see you in no time,” I assured as I stood, pecking Loki quickly on the lips. “Don’t forget to film me when you come back!”

“Sweetie, are you awake?”

I opened my eyes drowsily and discovered a nurse looking down at me, gauze in her hand. My brain was clouded, and everything was simultaneously hilarious and devastating. Unable to move my lips to procure any sort of response, I nodded dumbly. The nurse smiled lightly and tucked the gauze into my mouth.

“Bite down on that for me, okay?” She reached under my shoulders and helped me to stand. “We’ll get you to recovery and then bring your boyfriend back, okay?”

I gasped, my eyes going wide as we hobbled down the hall. “My boyfriend?” I exclaimed, voice muffled by the gauze.

“Yes, sweetie. Your boyfriend was the one that brought you here.”

“Oh. I’m glad I have one of those,” I babbled as we entered a small lounge and the nurse lowered me down onto a recliner and draped a blanket over me. “Is he handsome?”

“Yes, honey,” the nurse giggled. “He’s very handsome.”

“Well, I’m excited then.” I wiggled in my seat. “Bring him in.”

The nurse clipped a monitor onto my finger and left me alone in the recovery lounge. I sat docile in my drugged state, not really thinking much of anything until Loki came through the doors, face only slightly contorted in concern.

“Loki!” I cried out from my chair. “Holy shit, you’re so pretty!”

He chuckled, visibly relieved, coming to sit on the chair beside mine and stroking my hair lightly. “Hi, love. Are you doing alright?”

I felt tears prick the back of my eyes, and before I knew it, I was sobbing.

“What’s wrong, love?” He cooed, wiping my face and mouth with a tissue as the nurse looked on.

“I- I just- I just-,” I whined through a torrential bout of tears. “I love you so much!”

My comment brought Loki’s gentle chuckles up to a scale of full-blown laughter.

“Stop making fun of me!” I protested. “It’s true!”

“I’m not making fun of you, sweetling.” He brought my hand to his lips. “I love you very much, too.”

“She’s probably just fine to go now,sir,” the nurse interjected. “Do you need any aftercare instructions reviewed?”

“No, thank you. I think I’ve got everything under control.” Loki pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arm around my waist, my head lolling onto his shoulder. “Come on, love. Let’s get you home.”

I cracked my eyes open and found myself cocooned in the bed that Loki and I usually shared, ice packs secured onto my cheeks, my mouth full of bloody saliva, and my lips completely numb. I glanced around the room, slightly confused, only grasping vague memories of what happened over the past three hours. I gingerly pushed myself into a sitting position, and, once my vision cleared from a brief bout of lightheadedness, I opened my mouth to call for Loki, but found I could barely do so due to pain.

Pressing a hand to my puffy cheek, I strained my ears to hear what he could be doing, but, as usual, he was characteristically quiet in a way only inhumans could achieve. I rooted around the bed, which would’ve been more appropriately dubbed as a monstrous mountain of pillows to keep my head elevated, and eventually found my phone under a hefty stack of wet tissues. Wondering what on Earth happened to create the pile. I dialed Loki’s number, trying to put the phone to my ear but finding it too painful and settling for speaker.

“Are you awake, love?”

“Yeah.” My voice was unintentionally very whiny. “I want you.”

“Let me finish something and I’ll be right there.”

After he hung up the call, I collapsed back onto my pillows, groaning at the pain that crept up the back of my jaw. I was still woozy from the anesthesia, and couldn’t manage to find a comfortable position. I was halfway dying of thirst, but couldn’t muster up the energy to reach over and get my cup off the nightstand. I willed Loki to finish whatever he was doing faster and hurry over to me.

“Are you awake now, love?” Loki’s voice preceded him into the room. I turned my head towards him as much as I was able, as even my neck was sore from the procedure. I looked him up and down, still dressed in what he wore to the surgeon’s office, carrying ice packs and a bowl of applesauce.

“How long was I asleep?” I asked, remaining still as he set what he carried aside and began to tidy my pillows and blankets. During the process, he seemed to read my mind and handed me my cup, wiping the water that ran down my chin as my numb lips tried to draw it in. I flushed in embarrassment over how pathetic the scene must have looked.

“Not long. A couple of hours at best.” Loki held up the ice packs. “How’s your pain? Do you want these on?”

I nodded again, holding still as he affixed them to my cheeks. The cold stung, but I knew that the throbbing pain in my gums would become much worse without the ice packs, so I endured it.

“Anesthetic-wise, how are you feeling?” Loki continued to question, being a perfect nurse.

“I don’t really feel drugged anymore.” My mouth was starting to swell and my voice came out as a lisp. “I still feel a bit goofy, though. Like I could laugh or cry at the drop of a hat.”

“Well, I must admit, you were pretty entertaining when you were recovering.” Loki pulled his lips into his signature smug smile, lowering himself down on the edge of the bed.

“What did I do?” The thought of my drugged actions excited me enough to sit forward. “Was it good?”

“Indeed. You were very emotional, and kept going on passionate speeches about how much you loved me. My favorite moment was when you suddenly got very angry and went on a passionate spiel about just how you were going to vanquish everyone who’s ever hurt me.” Loki broke off to chuckle, pulling his phone out of his pocket and fiddling with it. “There was a lot of crying, too. It took me an hour to get you to stop. That’s where all the tissues came from.”

“Oh my god, that’s better than I hoped for.” I nodded towards the device. “Please tell me that means you filmed it.”

“It does indeed. Here’s a clip.”

Loki turned the screen towards me, displaying a scene of me reclining in the car, my eyes closed and my mouth drooping open, wet tear tracks shining on my cheeks.

“What did you say, love?” Loki’s voice said offscreen.

“I said that since Thanos choked you to death, I’m gonna choke him to death with my dick!” Video-me exclaimed, voice muffled by gauze.

“How are you going to do that when you don’t have a dick?” Video-Loki questioned.

“I don’t know, but I have to do it somehow!” I watched myself burst into torrential tears. “They killed you, Loki, I can’t believe they killed you? How could they do that? I’m so mad at them! I’m- I’m gonna rip their guts out because they killed you! You didn’t deserve that! You deserve love and happiness and-”

I started to laugh at myself, but the pain that resulted from the action caused me to break off and hold my cheeks gingerly. Loki paused the video, eyebrows drawing together.

“You can watch the rest of that when you’re feeling better.” He retrieved the applesauce and held it out to me. “Do you want to eat something so you can take your pain medication?”

I once again nodded pitifully, and Loki began to patiently spoon-feed me. I was a bit ashamed of my invalid state and that someone who was literally royalty was having to put applesauce in my mouth and wipe my chin when it slipped past my swollen lips, but deeper down, my heart was warm and fuzzy at how tender and affectionate he was being, taking care of my very unglamorous state without a single grimace of disgust or snide remark.

When the applesauce was gone and I had swallowed my pill, Loki draped an extra blanket over me and helped me turn the TV on.

“If you’re comfortable, I’ll be reading in the living room if you need me.” He kissed my forehead and made to leave the room, but I grabbed his wrist.

“No.” I patted the bed next to me. “Cuddle with me.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” I insisted. “You sit freakishly still. Come on or I’ll start crying again.”

“We wouldn’t want that, would we?” Loki smirked but complied to my request all the same, reclining on top of the covers. As he hit play on the TV show I’d watched a thousand times before and planned to binge during my recovery, I snuggled up to him and intertwined my fingers in his. In the comfort of his presence, I was able to forget my pain and discomfort, and once again slip into a much-needed sleep.

“Loki, I’m so sick of this!” I whined.

It was my third day post-op. I couldn’t get my teeth together, so I hadn’t eaten anything that wasn’t pureed for two days, and when I did eat, I couldn’t get my mouth open, so I ended up with food all over my face. That was definitely an attractive sight to show the god that was supposed to be taking care of me. On top of that, I hadn’t been able to brush my teeth, either, and a horribly bad taste lingered in my mouth. And, to add further insult to injury, my face was swelled up to the point where it looked like I was hiding two softballs in my cheeks. At that point in the recovery process, the swelling was at its peak, as was my pain- a nagging, constant pain that was more annoying than severe, bringing me nearly to tears.

“I know, love. It will get better.” Loki leaned in to kiss me, but I made a protesting sound in the back of my throat and put my hands out to keep him at bay. He pulled back and stared at me with wide eyes.

“Sorry.” I averted my gaze and put my hand over my mouth. “I’m sure my breath is really bad, and I don’t want you to have to smell it.”

“I assure you, love, I’ve gone through greater discomfort than that,” he consoled, but pulled back nonetheless.

“I know. I just don’t like you seeing me like this.” I pointed to my cheeks. “Look at me! I’m so ugly right now.”

“I don’t think your cheeks make you ugly.” He pulled up to his full height, sitting into one hip and observing me from above. “I think they’re cute.”

“Liar.” I tossed a wadded-up napkin at him. “You fell in love with the pretty and perfect version of me. You’re royalty and a god, for fuck’s sake, you shouldn’t have to deal with me like this.”

“My past and its repercussions that you have to deal with are far uglier than this could ever be.” With the gentlest of touches, seeing as I was still very sore, he caressed my puffy cheek. “Besides, I like taking care of you like this. It takes away the feeling of mine that I ruin everything and break whatever I touch.”

“Well, you sure know how to sweet talk,” I pouted.

“They don’t call me Silvertongue for nothing.” Loki retrieved the ice packs once more. “It’s time to get these back on, though.”

I reverted back into my whining state. “I don’t want them! I’m so sick of feeling like my face is being suffocated.”

“Alright.” To my surprise, Loki was compliant, setting the packs aside immediately. “Do you feel well enough to go sit outside? I feel like the fresh air could do you some good right now.”

“Oh.” I sat up a bit straighter. “Yeah, that sounds really nice.”

“Wait here, then. I’ll be back to get you.”

I rubbed my throbbing cheeks as Loki left the room again, using all of my willpower to suppress whines of pain until he returned. He helped me climb out of the bed, which would be more appropriately dubbed as a nest over the past three days, intertwining his fingers in mine and leading me out into the warm early summer air.

“Over here, sweetheart.” He indicated towards the porch swing, which he had layered with cushions and a light blanket. “Mind if I sit first?”

I shrugged my approval and he lowered himself down on one side of the swing, helping me climb on and curl up, resting my head on his thighs. When we were situated, he began to rock the swing gently with his heels, the breeze and distant sound of birds nearly lulling me to sleep.

“You really should put some sort of ice back on.” Loki tapped my nose. “Your face is starting to swell more, and you’re turning all red.”

“Gee, thanks, Lo.” I reached up and thumped his chin playfully, giggling. “But I’m so sick of them. They scratch my face all up and make me feel like I’m suffocating.”

“I got some different ones.” He glanced down at me with a bemused expression. “I think you’ll enjoy these a bit more.”

“Alright. I’ll try anything if it will make me comfortable.”

“Close your eyes, then.” He playfully put his hand over my brow, and I complied with as big of a smile I could muster without pain.

“I love your chipmunk smile, but stop it.” He poked my cheeks. “I need you to relax for this.”

I let one last giggle slip out before I obeyed, and after a brief pause and a curiously cold breeze drifting across my face, he cradled my cheeks in his hands and began to give me the gentlest of massages, though his skin was cold as ice. I cracked an eye open and discovered, as I expected, that he was indigo up to his forearms, raised ridges decorating his skin. He didn’t meet my gaze, instead focusing his slightly red-tinged eyes on his task, tongue poking between his teeth.

“Loki,” I breathed. “You know I love this form and I don’t care who knows or sees it, but you’re usually so reserved about it. I’m proud of you for this, but you do realize that we’re sitting outside, where anyone could see us?”

“I do.” Loki’s expression remained stoic, but the tiniest of flushes betrayed him. “But I don’t care if this is going to make you feel better. Is it making you feel better?”

“Mm.” I closed my eyes again and leaned into his touch. “More than anything has.”

“Well, then, I’ll do it as much as I can. I don’t care who sees me like this.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?”

Loki frowned. “Well, I mean, I can always wipe their memories later.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” I turned my head and pressed a kiss to his palm. “I understand. Thank you for doing this.”

“No need to thank me, love.” He grinned and tucked a bit of hair behind my ear, chilly fingers brushing across my forehead and giving me goosebumps. “I would do anything for my queen.”

#loki laufeyson #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki oneshot #marvel oneshot #marvel #loki x reader #loki x reader oneshot

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afutureteacher-blog1 · 5 years

Text

Personal Choice Piece #1: Creative Writing Short Story

The Slippery Sock

By: Paige Barmakian

I knew from the start that this would kill me. I was in no way prepared for what I would have to deal with if he stayed with me forever. He was the best thing in my life for a while, and I will always love him. But he is not mine, and I don’t think he ever was. It was the biggest decision I’ve ever made, letting him go. And for an 18 year old, it was a shit ton to deal with.

---

I dressed for school this morning as I do for every morning as of late. I pull on my stretchiest leggings that are getting maddeningly stretchier everyday. I pick out my blue socks with the wrong day of the week on them (because who cares), and pull on my UGG boots over them. Then, I stick my head through the hole of another oversized t-shirt (it’s always an oversized t-shirt these days) and pile my white blonde hair at the top of my head. I don’t bother putting on makeup anymore. There’s no one to impress; no one at school even looks me in the eye.

When I go downstairs for breakfast, my dad is waiting for me with everything I need for the day. Ever since he and my mom found out about him, they have become extremely involved in my life: overbearing and suffocating. I guess they are just being protective, but I wish they would leave me alone. Especially now when he has been with me for so long already. I know what I am doing, and I am clearly not a child anymore.

I wish they would just act like they used to. Before him.

My dad hands me my lunch bag, and I leave for school. I am a senior in high school, which would be really cool if I could drive like the rest of my classmates. But, living right down the street from school means I have to walk like a pathetic freshmen every day of my life. As I’m walking, I feel my right sock slowly sliding off my foot with each step. Well, fuck. This is what my day is going to consist of: me constantly pulling up my sock. Perfect! That is just what I needed to worry about today. I don’t bother adjusting it, though. It will just start slipping off again.

Once I get to class, I take off my shoe and fix my sock. At least it will be comfortable while I’m sitting down. Well, as comfortable as I can be. No one looks at me anymore as I take my “special” seat by the door, allowing me easy access to leave whenever I need to and has a desk I can sit comfortably in. I have this set up in basically every class with the exception of gym. Then, I am allowed a free period because of my “situation” as the school calls it. I wish I had clothes in my gym locker, though. That way I could get a new pair of socks whose sole purpose isn’t to drive me crazy.

At lunch I meet up with Jamie. He has sandy blonde hair that he is constantly brushing out of his eyes and freckles that cover every inch of his body. He is my best friend, and no, I am not secretly in love with him. He is a total goofball and also a complete dick at the same time. But, I put up with him because he puts up with me and well, I’m a bit of a handful myself if I’m being quite honest (which I always painfully am). He is the only one that will sit with me anymore, anyway. He has that “I don’t give a fuck about what other people think” quality that connects us. All the girls are too embarrassed to be seen around me and the other boys are afraid of me. It pisses me off, but there really isn’t anything I can do about that.

“Hey, Fal!” I jump as he comes up behind me and then double over in shock.

“Shit. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you” He takes my lunch from me and helps me over to a table.

“I’m fine it was actually nothing” I assure him, exasperated and rolling my eyes. I re-adjust that damn sock again.

“Are you sure?” he says, and then, without waiting for me to answer, “So, are we working on the project after that doctor thing you’ve got today? My shift ends at five.”

“Yeah. It should be over at like four thirty. Just come by my place when you’re done, and you better bring me The Fallon special.”

“Oh, of course. How could I forget that?” he says, sarcasm heavy with each word.

The Fallon special is a milkshake from the ice cream parlor he works at. The parlor has these amazing milkshakes with like 50 different flavors and candy topping options. Everyone is obsessed with it in our town, and Jamie’s brother owns it. We named the one I always get the Fallon special as a joke because there is literally nothing special about it at all. It’s just a chocolate milkshake. No toppings or special flavors whatsoever. He makes fun of me all the time for liking it the best and that’s where the running joke came from. But, he always brings me one after work and it is one of the main reasons I keep him around. Along with the fact that he’s my only friend and as much as I hate to admit it, we are basically the same person.

---

It’s five now, and I am waiting for Jamie. I just ate an enormous dinner and I feel like I am about a thousand pounds. I sink into the couch in the living room and idly rub my stomach. I watch Netflix on my computer while I wait for him to show up. I hear the familiar sound of my side door creaking followed by the slam of it hitting the wall as it opens. Jamie comes into the living room with a grocery bag of supplies in one hand and a milkshake in the other.

“Thanks, J.” I take the milkshake and begin sucking at it without hesitation despite the massive dinner I had just consumed. A pain in my stomach interrupts me, though, and I have to put it down while I wait for it to pass. I guess that’s what I get for having eyes that are bigger than my stomach.

“So, I know I said I’d do most of the work for this one, but I gotta say I have absolutely no idea what I am doing here.” Jamie sits next to me and I close my laptop, shutting Netflix off and cutting off yet another one of Ross and Rachel’s fights mid sentence.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” I say, unconcerned “But it should also not surprise you that I have no idea what I’m doing, either”

We stare at each other for a second in silence and then both start laughing at the same time. Typical.

The laughing causes my stomach to hurt again and I clutch the pillow next to me for support before it passes. Jamie doesn’t notice.

“Just start googling shit and I’ll get us some water” I say and stand up off of the couch.

The second my feet touch the ground, though, something happens. My pants are suddenly soaked and I let out a noise of disgust.

“What’s wrong?” Jamie looks over at me, his face forming a look of surprise and realization almost simultaneously.

“We have to go.” He starts yelling for my parents and helping them pack. I can’t seem to move. I can’t even process what is happening. I just stand there as chaos ensues around me.

---

I am lying in the hospital bed. The last 24 hours being the most painful of my life, but I am finally done now. It’s over. I look to my left, and I can see him. My mom is in the room, and she is sitting on my bed beside me. I can see my dad outside talking to the Clarks. The couple looks overjoyed, but they’ve been asked to stay outside for the time being. The nurse walks in, and I ask to hold him one last time. She brings him over to me and I take him in my arms. They wrapped him up in a blue blanket, giving him a matching blue hat and tiny blue socks. I can tell he looks a lot like me, his hair so white you can barely tell he even has any. But he also has features I don’t recognize, and I know they must belong to him. My mom and the nurse leave us alone so I can say goodbye. When the door shuts behind them, I touch my forehead to his and give his nose a kiss.

It is an odd feeling that builds in my chest. The idea of him reminds me of that terrible night. The night I was taken advantage of. The night that repulses me to my very core. The night where I lost my self worth, and am only barely beginning to find it again. Even though I cannot even fully remember that night, the thought of it is more than I can bare. But, the little boy in my arms right now is not at fault. As he lays in front of me and opens his eyes, I again become soft.

“They will take care of you little bean. You were never mine; you were always theirs.”

For some reason no tears come. Probably because I feel empty. No pain, just numbness. We wait together for the nurse and my mom to come back, and a few minutes later they do. The nurse comes over and reaches for the baby, but I don’t let her take him.

“Do you mind if… if I give him to them?”

“Not at all,” she says with a look of sadness in her eyes. She and my mom help me into a wheelchair with the baby in my arms. They wheel me into the hallway and I see them waiting. I know this will be the best day of their lives, because I can’t think of a worse day in mine. When we reach them, they are very kind. They ask me how I am feeling and we make small talk for a couple of minutes. I know it is time to give him up, though. I take a deep, shaky breath, and one last look at his face. He smiles at me. My heart completely skips a beat. He’s going to be okay. I hand him to Mrs. Clark.

“Thank you so much,” she says, starting to cry for what seems to be the millionth time today by the redness in her eyes. “We can’t even begin to tell you how happy you’ve made us.”

“I know you will make great parents.” I try to smile, but I know it must look forced. My mother pushes my wheelchair as we leave the Clarks at the hospital’s entrance. I watch them take him away. Take him home. I am keeping my eyes locked on him as they strap him into the carseat, and I notice something. His sock has slipped halfway off of his foot. Suddenly, my body is slammed with pain as my emotions of him leaving hit me like a brick. The car door is closing, and my eyes are filling with tears. Everything is turning blurry, and when I blink the tears away and open my eyes again the door is closed and he is gone. I blink away more tears, silently rushing down my face, and see something where the car had just been. I step out of my wheelchair and walk over.

I bend over and pick it up:

his tiny blue sock.

#mywork

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progeny-of-the-fury · 6 years

Photo

Drachen Trials: Endurance | Part IV

Log date: 3/8/18

OOC Note: The text in these logs are strictly for the reader’s enjoyment. Anyone using the knowledge displayed within this text without the participant’s knowledge risks the potential of blacklisting from future communication and roleplay. Please do not meta-game!

Tags: @truth-of-the-warden

And then came the third. Each one that passed, worse than the other… by more means than one. How I dreaded this all. How this once proud tradition I could not wait to fulfill was sullied with each passing trial.

Hestia De'bayle approached with Killian, adjusting her gauntlets over her arms. Dogs at the man’s side, Hestia looked over the two before her. “Good to see you both again. How are you faring?”

Killian Waltz says nothing, holding Summer and Mercy to heel at his sides with one hand, his cane in the other.

Lucius Guiscareaux: “I am faring well, despite this weather.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Not a fan of lightning?”

Gaelle Favagenieur pulls the collar of her coat tightly around the nape of her neck, offering the pair a curt nod. “Good evening Baroness, Mister Waltz.”

Killian Waltz: “Good evening,” Killian echoes in a cool tone.

Hestia De'bayle: “Well then Ser Lucius, to cut to the chase. What is my trial for today?” She asks flatly.

Lucius Guiscareaux: “You will be partaking in your trials of endurance. Specifically you wil be journeying from henceforth to falcon’s nest. Without succor. You will complete this task without footwear and you will be weighted down.”

Hestia De'bayle: “With…” she inhales. “Understood,” she says simply. Turning toward Killian, Hestia cleared her throat. “Killian, might you have a potions to help me along the way? In case I need one?”

Killian Waltz presses his lips together. “You’ll get frostbite walking barefoot through the snow for so long.”

Gaelle Favagenieur ’s eyes flit immediately towards Hestia, then to Killian, studying their faces.

Hestia De'bayle: “I will take the measures needed to prevent such along the way. Endurance is not simply just the walk, but the survival of it all. I will take what is necessary of me to care for myself along the way. If I find myself failing, I will contact you all. Obviously resulting in my failure of this trial.”

Gaelle Favagenieur: “Let us hope it does not come to that.”

Hestia De'bayle: “I have faith in myself, that it will not.”

Lucius Guiscareaux: “If you manage it, consider this trial completed, Hestia.”

Gaelle Favagenieur nods, “As you should, Baroness.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Understood, Ser Lucius. I will carry out my duty to my utmost capabilities.”

Killian Waltz tucks his cane under one arm to pull his shouldered bag over his head, offering it to Hestia. “This is all I have. Don’t push yourself too hard. Losing a foot or even just a toe will upset your ability to walk and fight more than you might realize, and I can’t undo frostbite with magic.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Ser, if I may. To prevent potential injury that could inhibit my ability as a Dragoon after the trials needlessly, might I at least don a light pair of leather espadrilles? I do not imagine they will offer much protection, but I certainly think they can hold me out and offer me a more fair chance at crossing.”

Lucius Guiscareaux approached the woman, handing her what appeared to be old, but not ancient, body weights. Arms and ankles respectfully, he nearly sneered for a moment, before considering her words. “You may.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Thank you,” she accepted the weights, they dipping her hands a moment with the unexpected weight before she also accepted Killian’s bag. “I swear to you Killian, if things are looking grim, I will ensure I make contact.”

Killian Waltz: “You’ll know you need to take a break if your feet start to cause you a lot of pain, replaced by a prickling feeling and numbness. You need to tend to them then or the damage will be irreversible.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Mm. Understood. Have you anything in here to help with such? Frostbite or anything of the sort?”

Killian Waltz: “Those are potions, but…” Killian pats down his jacket until he finds another pouch, pulling it from his belt and offering it to Hestia. “Fire-aspected crystals. They can help with rewarming the skin, but it’s…not an ideal method. Don’t touch them directly.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Mm. Alright, I will shove them in some socks I have, and use them similarly to an ice-pack if needed,” she accepts the crystals. “Thank you. I imagine you will be waiting for me at Falcons Nest?”

Lucius Guiscareaux: “That is the plan. I’ve brought a nice cask or two of the finer drinks in life to await your arrival, should you manage this.”

Killian Waltz: “I…I suppose,” Killian mumbles. He lifts a hand up…to Nogelle, surprisingly, close enough for the wyvern to respond to his following words but not actually touching him. “Can you make sure she doesn’t lose anything?” he murmurs.

Nogelle narrows his eyes between the three, eventually focusing his beady gaze onto Killian. Exhaling through his nostrils, he pecked at the mans palm some before poking Hestia’s head. “Alright. I am to go and prepare then. I will see you all in some… bells,” she mumbles, turning on her heel to retreat back into the settlement to set up.

After carefully organizing and familiarizing myself with the materials Killian offered me, fitting myself with the weights to my arms and legs, and appropriately changing my footwear to a pair of leather espadrilles, I moved out of Tailfeather to begin my journey.

I would not admit to Ser Guiscareaux, Miss Favageniuer or even Killian that I was afraid. Reminded of my time under Hitokiri when the man thrusted me into the wilderness. Alone, small. Afraid.

Afraid.

That was an emotion I had grown all too familiar with. And one he taught me how to lock away. I wished to be a knight. However, I knew better. They are not built without fear. I know once upon a time, even Ser Lucius expressed fear. Perhaps he still did. Though he was taught that the priority of the matters at hand were far greater than that of our own consternation. I was taught the same. Fear is what drives us to live, we all feel it or how would we survive in this world?

Already, I felt the snow begin to soak the leather of my shoes after breaching the Highlands, the cold blistering and fierce. Fury… perhaps She was listening during this all. I wish to walk in Her image, and here I found I was. Over Her glaciers, and chilling winds. Perhaps She was guiding me? Or perhaps after already a bell or so of walking through an endless wasteland of ivory, I was finally losing it.

It was then that I began to feel it. Pain in my feet. My legs and my arms. Pain all over. It was miserable, the journey. But… it reminded me of something. As though the pain was metaphorical. The suffering most Dragoons underwent for such a title. They went through anything. They would do anything for their people, for what mattered. To protect.

I thought of Killian, how he awaited me at Falcons Nest. More than likely having distanced himself from Miss Favagenieur and Ser Guiscareaux. Sitting in the cold. Waiting. Waiting for me.

I knew he was. And somehow, they drove my legs to keep moving forward. He would willingly bare the cold for me. To know I was safe. I did not want this for him. I did not want him to suffer in the cold on my behalf. This march I made, this fight I accepted. Is to protect him. My future family. My current family.

I was uncertain as to how much time had passed by now. My senses felt dulled by the cold, and all I saw was white. Everywhere. The snow stung my face as the wind only added to sharpness I felt. Like knives stabbing into me. I knew now would be a good time to rest. I had to. If I were to be stubborn and continue, I would risk hurting myself for the future. Then what? Would everything I allowed to happen, everything I worked so hard for be for naught?

I was not about to find out.

Keeping my weights on, I shuffled around to begin gathering what dry firewood I could. Situating myself under an outstretched bolder, I set up the camp just as Hito had once taught me, all those winters ago. Pulling out some flint from the bag Killian offered me, I worked to light the fire. It proved just as stubborn as I, my hands feeling numb and hard to use. After some frustrated cursing and struggling, I managed a small flame. Building it, it finally rose into a greater inferno. First warming my hands, I then situated myself by the fire and worked off my shoes.

My feet were certainly a sore sight. Red, covered in blisters. Thankfully they still had their feeling and colour, albeit I might have wished not so much on the former. Placing them by the flame, I lowered my head.

What was I doing…

I shook my head some, a deep huff of air visibly leaving my mouth. I felt Nogelle crawl himself down my legs, resting his warm body against my ankles. It was only then I realized there were tears running down my cheeks. The icy nature of them completely lost to the wind. Once my feet were warmed enough, I went through the bag once more in search of the fire crystals Killian offered me.

Warming my feet through the socks that held them, eventually they appeared in better shape, aside from the blisters. After such, I placed the crystals within my shoes, hoping to warm them some before I returned to my journey.

The rest was well needed. I felt starved, having not brought food with, but thankfully quenched as I gulped at the canteen I kept within the bag. I felt the hunger could work as incentive to push me. I certainly felt a drive to move forward. I rested some minutes longer before re-equipping my shoes back on and putting out the fire. Solidifying myself once more with a visage of focus, I found myself back in fond memories of a similar determined state. Back when I was a girl.

Back when I was left to travel and wander alone.

I was reminded of who I was made to be. Who I am now. Why I went through all this. The snow wished to break me… but I would not allow it to do so.

I returned to my wandering, Camp Falcon’s Nest now but a small blip in the distance. I knew I could make it. I could do this. I knew I could.

Trudging through the snow, I passed an abandoned settlement. Camp Riversmeet, I believe it was. Once a thriving lodging located over the vast green hills of Coerthas… now left to wither and fade away with the rest of the history that once lay here.

It was… almost tragic. No. It was. It was tragic. I recalled the melting of snow beside the fire I had lit, and the small remnants of what once was a grassy field. I felt my heart ache yet again. Wondering what could have been of a now desolate location.

More times passed. Presumably bells as the sky grew darker. I knew not how far I had travelled, lost to my own thoughts. Before I knew it, Falcon’s Nest was just ahead.

A small gasp left me as I looked up, my body once more numbed by the cold. Tightening my painfully chapped lips together, I made my final march up toward the stone fortress. This was a trial I would overcome, and with this… any other thrown my way.

Some bells passed, no sign of the half-Elezen in all that time. Eventually, the young woman made her approach on Falcon’s Nest, her legs just barely carrying her to the end.

Killian sits huddled up in a little ball with Summer and Mercy, enough snow gathered over them to suggest they’d been out here perhaps for the entire duration of Hestia’s absence. As the dogs stir, whining and wiggling against Killian, he lifts his head some, his face bright red with chill and wind burn. “Hestia?”

Dragging herself up the stairs practically, Hestia turned toward where Killian sat, her lips chapped and scabbed and her face bright red with burns. “Killian…” she rasped out.

Killian struggles up to his feet, reaching out for Hestia as he steps toward her. “Come here, come here,” he murmurs.

Staggering, Hestia took a heavy step toward him, her feet dragging loudly against the stone as she leaned forward. “I… knew I would make it. I knew…”

Killian’s hands find Hestia, Summer and Mercy yipping and whining excitedly behind him. He pulls her into his arms, then shifts to help her sit. “Let me tend to you. Let me…” He stirs again to search for Hestia’s legs. “What are you feeling?”

“They hurt…” Hestia noted out needlessly. “My arms, my legs… everything. The cold is a cruel mistress…” she laughs out dryly, a cough escaping her. “I can still… move them though. I feel numb, all over…”

Killian works his frozen fingers over the weights at Hestia’s ankles, then breathes into his hands in an attempt to warm them for her skin. His breath is too cold to offer much help, so instead he tries to offer healing warmth to her legs and feet with the blue-white glow of magic.

Regardless of how cold Killian’s hands might feel, they were still warmer than both Hestia’s frigids skin and the icy winds of Coerthas, providing some immediate relief. “Ah…” she exhales out as she felt the warm spread through her body. “That is nice…”

“Here…here.” Killian shifts to pull off his own boots, then the leathers wrapped around Hestia’s feet, quickly working to pull his boots over her feet and legs in their place. They’re too big, of course, but much warmer than the snow-soaked leathers. Summer and Mercy cuddle up with them as well.

“Thank you…” Hestia murmured, lying there exhausted. “I… I passed. I think?”

“You made it,” Killian murmurs, tucking Hestia into his arms. “I’m sure there’s…food and a fire somewhere inside. With Ser Guiscareaux and Lady Favagenieur. If you hold onto my cane and your lance in your arms instead of at your back, I can carry you there. Summer and Mercy can lead me.”

“I do not… I can… I can walk,” Hestia nods, struggling to stand up, using Killian for leverage. “I can get there.”

Killian rises up to his feet, snow quickly soaking through his socks. “Are you sure? I can carry you. I can help you.”

“You can carry me home. I will march all the way to him, so he can see I passed…” Hestia nodded, beginning forward once more.

Killian walks somewhat slowly alongside Hestia, shivering some as cold transfers up through his soaked feet.

Hestia De'bayle finally enters into the room alongside Killian and Nogelle. Her face was burned and lips cracked. “Evening…” she managed out. Slugging over toward the table, slamming her fist into the wood. “I passed,” she states simply, as though there was no argument for it.

Hestia De'bayle: “B-work,” she growled out, moving to sit herself down. Her expression was only determination, nothing else. “I will eat something, then I am to return to the estate.”

Killian Waltz murmurs a command to the dogs, who sit obediently at the table’s edge. Searching and approaching the nearest seat, he pulls off his socks, curling up to warm his own feet.

Lucius Guiscareaux: “You asked for shoes.” He stated, picking up his own glass and taking a sip. “Regardless, fine work.”

Killian Waltz: “No she didn’t.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Yes I did Killian,” she sighs out exhaustingly.

Killian Waltz: “Those leather skins weren’t shoes. They were soaked through with snow. Shoes are protective. Those aren’t.”

Gaelle Favagenieur sets each plate in front of the respective members of the group before taking a seat of her own. “Welcome back, Baroness” she’d remark, her gaze shifting towards Killian with noticeable annoyance in her eyes.

Hestia De'bayle: “Thank you, Ser Guiscareaux.” She looked over toward Gaelle. “Thank you Miss Favagenieur,” she answers blandly, accepting her plate of food. “Enough Killian.”

Lucius Guiscareaux: “I’m not here to argue semantics, Mister Waltz.”

Killian Waltz pushes his plate away and uncurls from his ball, taking his cane again and moving wordlessly toward the door.

Gaelle Favagenieur: “Please, eat.”

Hestia De'bayle shakes her head, bringing a miserable hand up to rub at her face. “Soon�� soon this will all be over,” she murmurs, pressing a fork into whatever dish was provided before her to slowly bringing to her mouth.

Lucius Guiscareaux: “You’re going to be a dragoon, the hardship doesn’t end, its part of your life. It’s the sacrifices you make so that others may live without having to make these same choices.”

Gaelle Favagenieur: “…”

Lucius Guiscareaux: “This is child’s play, please. Relax and enjoy your meal, you’ve earned it and then some. I’d dare say I’m proud.”

Hestia De'bayle: “I do not mean the trials,” she says grimly.

Lucius Guiscareaux: “I am aware of what you speak of. It is nothing, now stop being so dour and enjoy the food Gaelle had ordered, and get some rest.”

Hestia De'bayle: “I am eating it,” she gestures up her fork, continuing to eat in silence as she stared off blankly.

Gaelle Favagenieur: “I grow tired of this. I have attempted to be amicable, to disregard the events of your previous trial—yet any and all civility is rebuked as though I am some feral beast,” she spurts, jabbing into her own meal with her fork.

Hestia De'bayle: “He does not handle frustration from others well. It only upsets and draws him away further…” she mumbles. “Worry not. Once these are all over, you need not see him again nor vice versa.

Gaelle Favagenieur: "Let it be known that I had tried,” she’d remark blandly.

Lucius Guiscareaux: “I will not bother to try. The final door was closed when he interrupted your trial. I do not forgive those who do not respect our nation’s customs. YOur trials will continue, and you will succeed, or fail.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Mm,” she shrugs her shoulder up, moving to shovel her food into her mouth.

Lucius Guiscareaux: “I need to depart, my brother needs me yet again. Speaking of insolent.” He shook his head, making sure to actually take the dinner with him, wrapped in the napkin he was provided. “Thank you Gaelle, and Hestia, your trials will continue shortly. Pray, recover from the madness of this trial and we shall continue.”

Gaelle Favagenieur offers a wordless grunt in response, slicing into her dinner with a dull knife.

Hestia De'bayle: “Mm,” she murmurs out in a similar wordless grunt, her plate now finished as she pushed herself away from the table. “I am to return to the estate now,” she says in a coarse voice. “Thank you for the food, Miss Favagenieur. Take care the both of you. I would like to accompany you, Lucius, if you’d have me. I wish to return to the See at once.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Killian.”

Lucius Guiscareaux: “Please, lets.”

Killian Waltz sits curled up in the alcove, his scarf now wrapped around his otherwise bare feet to protect them from the cold. “Do you have your boots?”

Hestia De'bayle: “I do not, they are back in tailfeather. Take them back. I can walk to the See. I will be fine on an airship,” she moves to remove the boots, tossing them to the man. “If I can survive as long as I did, I can survive a bit longer. I am leaving now.”

Killian Waltz: “No. Keep the boots. And take the dogs. I’ll teleport.”

Hestia De'bayle: “Fine.” She moves to take the dogs and re-fasten her boots before taking her leave.

Miserable.

#journal #drachen trials #age of dawn and dusk

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thepiecesofj · 4 years

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The Gaslight Effect.

I don’t know when it started. I guess that’s the whole point of it. It starts out small. Something as small as the way you give a hug. Next thing I know, I’m trying to change the way I give a hug just to prove a point...that I’m not lame, I’m not awkward.

I’ve been reading up on gaslighting. In 2018, I started to have bouts of anxiety and depression. I tried talking to B about the anxiety and how it made me feel but all of a sudden he would turn the conversation about him. He said that’s how he feels everyday. And it made me feel like maybe I was being overly dramatic because I don’t have clinical depression that was diagnosed. I didn’t grow up in a “broken” home. I didn’t suffer like he did. I grew up in privilege. Perhaps I wasn’t feeling anxiety, perhaps it was all in my head. But that didn’t explain the random tears that would befall down my cheeks as I’m doing everyday activities like driving to and from work. It didn’t explain the burnouts. And it definitely didn’t explain the constant wanting to harm myself. I have a scar on my right wrist from pinching myself so hard one night. Though I don’t remember the reason why, I remember the feeling. I was anxious, he was talking, most likely yelling and I couldn’t take it. When he gets these moods, it just feels like it’s always my fault. And I started pinching myself so that the focus was on the pain and not on the emotional feelings. 2018 was the start of the demise of my soul. I’d try to make our relationship work and in the end I’d be disappointed whenever he’d flake on me at the last minute. When my grandma and uncle passed and he didn’t even show up to their funeral I pretty much gave up. 2018 should have been the year that I ended it. I had all the right reasons to end it. He’d forgotten our date that I was looking forward to and had been his suggestion. He didn’t show up to my grandma or uncle’s funeral. His main focus that year was to collect his toys and his toys only, it seemed. Nothing else mattered. But when I brought that up. When I brought up how disappointed I was, all he would say is, “You don’t follow up. I said yes to the date right? Then nothing happened. I didn’t hear anything from you. All you do is tell me you want to go on a date and you expect me to do the rest? I always have to do everything. Why don’t you do something for a change? It’s always me me me. The burden is always on me?” And I would sit there confused.

The date? I had signed up for ice skating lessons that gave me “practice hrs” and “companion passes” to use. The very first lesson I had, he wanted me to skip it because he wanted to go home. See, I was driving him to and from work that week because his car was having issues. That meant I was already going back and forth because I worked in Cypress (south west of his work) the ice skating was East (in the middle between my work and his work) and his work place is on the way home. So I backtracked. I went to pick him up, we had a quick dinner, and I made it to my ice skating lesson. He watched my lesson and said, it looked fun and that maybe he’ll join me next time after my lesson. I brought up the companion ticket and said we can make a date out of it since it’s been so long since we’ve had one. The next week, I planned it. I said we can get dinner at this place, ice skate, and then walk around the downtown area to the packing house for dessert. I was so excited. I went into work early the day of the date, so I can leave early and meet him at the restaurant since he was a little closer than I was. The whole day I checked in with him. I told him the plans and the time. And finally when I left work, I messaged him and said i was heading to the restaurant and will meet him there. When he called me afterwork, I told him i was running a little late because of traffic but would be there in 15 minutes to which he replied, “where?” And I said the restaurant. I sent you the location. All of a sudden he says, I went on the wrong side of the freeway and I’m too far to turn back and really just wanted to go to the weekly Frank & Sons tradeshow instead. My planned evening was tossed out and i couldn’t be mad because he said well do you really want me to go? If you do I’ll go. But I’m really far now and it’s out of the way. And in my head, all I could think of was, I had two choices. Let him go and just cry my eyes out, become emotionally numb, and then pretend nothing was bothering me and eventually, the pain would go away. Or tell him I wanted him to be here since I planned this date and time for us and have him come to me but in the baddest mood ever and then i still cry and feel bad. So I chose number 1. I told him it was fine and said I’d just go to the gym since I have 2 hours before class started. And I sat in the parking lot of the gym and cried my eyes out. That was 2018. Heartbreak

In 2019, something changed. There was a shift. I stopped caring. I just went through the motions. I started to feel apathetic. I didn’t care anymore about anything. I started to feel crazy. Sometimes, I would have moments where I would just check out. Most times, my mind would just be blank. I wouldn’t have thoughts. But 2019, I started fantasizing more about crushes I used to have on people I used to know. I started fantansizing about my old former self. I would start yearning for my old former self. I hated being around people and would just try my best to be alone. Driving through traffic was my haven. My car was my sanctuary. In March 2019, B forced me to have sex with him even though I told him multiple times that I wasn’t feeling well. In the end, I was somehow the one in the wrong because he loved me and wanted to be intimate with me and all I can think about was my arm hurting and my body in pain after running a full marathon. How selfish was I? To only think about myself and not realize the pain he had to endure while being aroused and not being able to satisfy the arousal. I was confused. That was 2019. Confusion.

It’s 2020 now. In March, we had 1 argument about sex. I had a very bad day at work and met B up in Temecula for a wedding (he was the best man). The whole drive there I contemplated back and forth. Should I tell him about work and how bad a mood I’m in and how I don’t really want to do anything tonight? Just want to sleep it off? Or should I not tell him and pretend I’m super happy and nothing is wrong and I just do what he wants which is sex and then I’ll be able to get the sleep I need. However, it was a new year and we had decided to change our ways. I had convinced myself that I was horrible at communicating so this time, I needed to verbalize the problems I’m facing. So I told him about work and what had happened and that I was not in the mood to do anything. All I wanted was to shower quickly and sleep. To which he agreed and he didn’t say anything. He was actually supportive. I went to take a bath and he joined in. Immediately after joining, he took my hand and placed it on his erect penis. I really didn’t want to have sex so I pulled away and told him I was going to rinse off and finish showering to get ready for bed. And that pissed him off. All of a sudden it was a argument about being unattractive to him and him feeling like i was some robot and I told him I really wasn’t in the mood. He could have waited one night. Just given me one night. All he kept saying was how important sex is and all I kept thinking about was how it’s the only thing we do. I’m sure he was trying to comfort himself by “comforting” me but that wasn’t the way I wanted to be comforted. If he was really concerned about me, about my day, he’d find a different approach that didn’t involve his needs. That’s how I feel about our relationship. It’s always about his needs. Even when it’s about me. It’s about him. I signed up for therapy the next Monday.

June is about to end soon. I signed for another round of therapy. I wanted to talk about myself the first time but all I could do was talk about him. This time though, it will be different. I’m reading The Gaslight Effect, and understanding it a little more. It’s time I take back control of my own perception of my reality.

-J

24 June 2020

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sumblebuttz1987 · 7 years

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SaeyougXMc //Smut fic PT 2

Her Blossom

• This fic is based on a high school AU on Mystic messenger. Mc is a pure clean white rose, who is very curious what the feeling of sex is like. When all of a sudden she meets the devil Saeyoung who steals her purity and stain her petals. • __________________________________________

Everyone was sat down.

The blonde, the female, Saeyoung, the silver , the black , the dude that grabbed my boobs and me. The blue haired boy stood up and shook his head in shame.

???- look at you all. Aside from this poor lady. I cant belive that its are first day here at this school and all we’ve done is caused trouble. I cant always keep you people in line. Jahee your fine. But Jumin, all you’ve done is neglect everyone and everything and literally pretended you don’t exist. Zen you could adult a bit more instead of acting like every girl is apart of your fan club, yoosung chill more instead of running into things. Sarean WTF MAN, and most importantly WHAT THE FUCK SAEYOUNG!

DONT BE RUNNING AROUND INTO THINGS YOU SHOULDNT BE RUNNING INTO!

I.. am so sorry miss. I just-

Mc- Its.. perfectly fine.

Everyone looks at me like I’m crazy. Which their probably right.

Mc- I should take more responsibility for my actions. None of this mess would of happended if I didnt run away. I’m not the most bright person on campus.

I get up and dust my skirt, grabbing my bag and parting my hair away from my face. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears and a mental breakdown right now.

Mc- However. You can easily avoid me in this campus, as theres only one of me. Lets say this. I’ll walk away and act like I never even seen you around before and act like nothing happened.

Great, I’ll be on my way now.

I start to walk away from the group of students, and rub my eyes as I feel a slap of shame hit my face and my nose starting to fill with fluid of me being sad. I quicken my pace as I know this will turn ugly, but my feet have a different thought.

They just make my life better by making me trip over a crack in the path. I fall to the ground hoping the hit would end my life, because I feel like shit until. I feel a warmth grab my hand and another wrap around my waist.

I look up to see who saved me from my fall, to find myself in the arms of Seven.

I can’t help but smile and look at the ground. I can even find a negative scentence to this positive outcome but-

Seven- I’m sorry for what we caused today.. but Its kinda hard to forget a cut- I mean a warm hearted girl like you. And I mean, it would kinda mean alot to me- Umm us if we had someone to show us around and have a new person to the group.

He looks into my eyes, and attempts to give a warm welcoming smile. And holy shit it works. I feel my cheeks plump up and a grin spread on my face. Seven’s expression changes from warm and welcoming to greedy and lustful as his hand raises to wipe the upcoming tears from my eyes, until a familair childish voice snaps me and him back into reality.

???-Saeyoung~ come on, dont hog her to yourself!!

He blinks and smiles.

Seven- Lets go join them shall we, ha lol almost got ya there. Lololol.

I turn my body around facing the direction where I knew this is where my new future would begin.

It was the start of the year, it was the first day and so many things have happened I made a group of new friends. My boobs were groped. I met a really fucking cute guy who is the reason of all of this and last but not least, its not fiction ITS FUCKINNG REALL HAHAHAHA!

The bell rang, to wake me from my evergoing class naps. I look up only to realise I slept in history. Kinda glad I did. I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door. I had just a tiny bit of drool from my mouth and my hair was a bit fuzzy, My legs were numb and my back was sore. My apartment was like 10 blocks away from school so I had a while to think back of what happened today. I stepped outside of the school gates only to see the carpark was packed with girls around the new students car. Jumin, zen, yoosung V and jahee were chilling and looked kinda disturbed. I had a small feeling that this would happen alot. I smiled only to realise Yoosung had noticed me… Oh shit, I mean its a good thing but-

Yoosung- HEY MC! WANNA RIDE!~

I shook my head but I smiled. He smiled back. Some girls behind the large group sneered at me, and looked kinda angry.

Girl 1- Ugh. Whys she getting the attention of them shes just a lonely loser who trys to be different because she can’t be as cool us us.

Girl 2- I heard shes, a slutty whore. I saw her walk into those really shady streets byherself, and she was already on Saeran today like omg get a life.

They both laugh knowing that I could hear in my distance. I just kept walking. Not really giving a dam. I also had a feeling this could get bad, with all the girls talking shit about me. Look did I choose for this, did I want to grab the attention of these hot specimens!!

NOT REALLY

I walk past the crowd and head past the shops and the pub. I start to walk uphill, I hear a loud car drive up behind me. So I just turn up my headphones to full blast and keep walking. The car gets louder and I get more annoyed. I turn to my side and look. It turns out to be the twins. He turns off the car as I stop in his presence. His brother stops texting and looks at me, his cheeks dust with a pink as he probably remembers the events that happened today.

Seven- So uh.. do you want a ride?

I look at him and look at my shoes then I look at him. I think I could use a lift, but I’m also really hungry.

Mc- If.. you know your ok with that?

Seven smiles and bites his lip. His brother turns to the front and covers his mouth.

Seven- hop In.

His car is a black convertible with white leather seats and a gold trim around the outside. I make sure to be very careful with the car, I chuck my heavy ass school bag in the back and throw my droopy legs in the back aswell. I sit down getting a feel to the leather against my skin. I look up to see Seven adjusting his review mirror to be looking at me. I can see his golden eyes staring at me, and he bit his lip again. Dose he have a habit or something?

Seven- so where we off to sweet?

Mc- I know this might be trouble to ask, but I was wondering if we could go get some icecream or something..?

Saeran lights up as If it was Christmas morning. Seven, looks at him and looks back at me.

Seven- Sure thing.

He turns the car on, and the. Radio pops on. He strokes his hair and moves the grear stick, he licks his lips and reves the engine, changing it to the first gear. I dont think mum will mind but I better be home not too late. We drive along the long dim streets covered with the shadows of trees. I start to get tired, and somehow even though seven and his brother is a stranger I kinda feel safe and warm inside, weird feeling. I look back up at his eyes in the mirror and as I do he dose aswell. I start to get a little bit tired so I lay down and just close my eyes for a second or to.

I hear talking, but then I hear nothing aswell as the sound of silence as the car turns off. I slowly open my eyes only to leave a yawn in the air. I blink realising that were not at the ice cream shop. I widen my eyes and look both ways, seven pops up in front of me as I get out of the car.

Mc- where are we?

He looks at me, only to continue to stare with those lustful eyes, that kept pulling me in to something that felt wrong but also felt so right.

Seven- My home.

__________________________________________

A/N

• final part is next

#Saeyoung #seven #707 #mystic messenger #fanfic #zen #Jumin #V #Yoosung #Jahee #Mc #707 mystic messenger #smut #otome game #love #highschool AU #Luciel #Choi #707Xmc #fanfiction

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dreamsnipez · 6 years

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So all my life

My mother is the 2nd oldest of 4, grew up in Mexico only reached 6th grade before my grandparents pulled her out of school to work and provide since they no longer had money to pay for her education eventually in search of a better life where there is no theifs and gangs as well as outrageously corrupt goverment. She moved to Georgia, US at the age of 15 and began working as a maid eventually lattering up to working in restraunts until she met my father whom she loved and did anything for him. Eventually further into the relationship she learned he was a porn addict, a drug dealer/abuser, and abusive even so she allowed him to have sex with her and he took her virginity despite her only doing it for him she had no sexual desire to it. He impregnated her then abandoned my mother for another woman got her pregnant then beat the other woman went to get high off 7 drugs got caught driving and being that he was illegal within prison ICE had found him and deported leaving my mother alone and for 4 years i lived without a father figure I don’t remember his face but apparently I’m an exact replica of him as well as with habits or way of doing things. ANYWAYS yea i grew in poverty living in an apartment until I reached age to go to school. I knew 0 English and was bullied for being different all the way till 5th grade. I grew up on a college diet (ramen and the occasional actual dinner but that was just beans and rice with a tortilla or 2) then my “stepdad” was forced into my life and i say stepdad in quotation marks because both him and my mother are illegal so there was no paperwork or church consent just their word and um yea he came into my life made things worse he was a drunk and aggressive he abused of me took his anger out on me beat me for every minor mistake and brutally assaulted me with makeshift weapons such as a wire from coat hangers even threw chairs at me hit me with a metal bat in the back of my legs

My mom would stress me into getting only 100s but i barely knew English I struggled especially when school wasn’t my worry my mother always emphasized how poor we were and how she was illegal so my worries were always to take care of her and i worried i think just as much as she worried i as a child grew up giving other more then I receive so like i said i was never in focus to learn in school but i loved to learn on tv about dinosaurs and anything i could find in National Geographic, Animal planet, and discovery channel sometimes even history channel I rarely watched cartoons and it distracted me from school which led to more beatings and insults as i was blamed for being the reason my mother couldn’t live a better less stressful life

I also never made friends with anyone until middle school because I was never allowed out I never could do anything but be forced to study or when i turned 8 i began working certain days to bring home income

My life just grew harder with things at home and school not knowing how to fit in society due to being isolated and emotionally scarred from bullying

I grew to make friends and quickly learned how unreliable everyone was and how good everyone else had life and yet they complained about the luxuries i wish i had kids complained their mother forgot to pack their zebra cake when i would sit not 3 seats down unable to afford lunch it made me envious

I worked from age 8 till now currently 17 things though got tougher as i lead to 8th grade and freshman year of high school i still lacked so many social skills and my family treated me as i went through puberty as a monster believing I’d rape my cousins or siblings especially after being caught on porn. I was excluded from the family and i slowly began speaking more on my ideas and who i was to anyone because i never spoke eventually i told my mother i was athiest and that turned into me being “satanist” and a very bad person then came freshman year after family drama

I met a wondeful girl and get this i met her like from a movie in our biology class it first began with awkward stares admiring one another and then we began escalating within a couple months we began dating everything was great I met someone who I understood and i found perfect from body brain to heart I knew I loved her at first sight but i never wanted to allow myself to fall that easy but within a month she told me she loved me and I said it back having been so eager for so long to say it since i met her then she decided she wanted to kill herself I at the time had barely been able to afford a phone because I gave the money to pay the bills and help my mother and didnt have permission to use it for anything except for calls and i was only allowed to keep it from the minute i wake at 6 to 9 pm no matter what so when I got up and i woke up to messages of the person i loved telling me she wanted to kill herself over night last words of those text were I love you and I felt 2 things. I felt my stomach drop, my heart hurt physically for the first time, and i felt as if my world ended because i had been putting everything into her and regret for not having been enough for not having done enough to keep her here ofc i texted her hoping and she replied hour or so later after i sat in the couch crying while numb that led to a deep relationship ofc with issues many being from the outside and we lasted 2 months dating before we broke up and even though broken up we claimed eachother and remained that way for 3 years almost

During those 3 years i lost a total of 13 friends to depression/drugs. I gained a lot of enemies and I was pulled into so much drama without having said a word to those people including between my best friend whom is thankfuly still here by my side yet im slowly losing her

Those 3 years were miserable and then after on and off relationship me and Mia had gotten together one more time thing were going well i was trying my hardest for the last time i wanted her like nothing else I love her but as things got better and we finally for the first time began getting sexual through text or physically I began being torn because of a couple deaths, drama and sadly I fell into believing rumors so i cheated and ruined her for the last time i took things from her and she opened her body to me and trusted me and i broke all that i was a shithead i regret all of it i wish I would’ve held on and not done anything but yea that was most my past now I sit where i pay the bills I work straight after school I work over night get max 4 hours of sleep because my mother got into an car accident that caused her to be arrested for not having a license(cuz shes illegal) ICE so happened to do the same they did to my father but since she has committed no crime and has kids shes going to court but she believes she has no chance I’ve had to put dropping out as an option to be able to support my sibling in their education and to feed them and cloth them and house as well as my grandmother another thing not even a month after my moms accident which also the bail was 18,000 originally it was 5,000 till ICE Got involved um anyways after her accident my grandpa died due to some strokes he had which began in 2012 he went 6 years repeatedly surviving strokes and with only 25% of his heart working he lasted long but it hit me hard because he was the only father figure i had and he showed me how to work in every hard labor possible he set me for life I lost something very valuable then i lost an idol someone who helped me through rough times things since then have gotten worse including my fights the beginning of losing my friend and cousin

My car accident that happened last weekend: omw to work a car intercepted into my lane in front of me causing my to get hit from the side pushed into the apposing side of the 2 lane roads only to be pushed into the middle after the guy who originally hit me got hit from behind I honestly could have died luckily the apposing traffic stopped and avoided me barely anyways my car is wrecked i have no method to reach work so I’m in the verge of losing my home and everything and I’m failing at life I cant keep my grades up with no time to study and i have no sleep so i fall asleep in class not to mention the amount of stress i have from being an adult and the emotional abuse this world decided to put me through my doctors told me to find an outlet or i could have a heart attack soon and same goes for my mother

I’m in ruins and i have no one there usually i had Mia there or Tiffany and my cousin

But now I’m here alone Mia hates me and even though i reached out to her again i doubt she’ll look at it

My best friend is slowly letting go of me because her boyfriend

My cousin is being manipulated by his gf and she’s pushing him away from his family and friends

Someone help please I need more than just this text I can’t do more and i cantgive up

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burnsthroughherbookshelf · 6 years

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So, bearing in mind that for me “years” are academic rather than calendar-this has been literally the worst year ever. Here is the highlights (or rather the low lights) and some lessons learned.

Warning-some of what I will share is a bit graphic and will be embarrassing for both of us…but much like Ilona Andrews I feel that it is important to be a little more honest and open about things in hopes that someone else gets what they need.

At the beginning of last summer my left nipple suddenly inverted. My dad’s side of the family has quite a bit of breast cancer so I am very consistent with my self checks. Since I was 35 and knew my first mammogram was coming soon anyway I called my gynecologist and had her order the test a bit earlier than was originally planned. To be honest, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, you stand there and get your boobs squished feeling a little awkward and embarrassed and then it is done. Unfortunately for me I have very dense breasts so they couldn’t really see anything so they had to refer me for a fancier mammogram and a diagnostic ultrasound. The fancy mammogram still could not see anything, but the ultrasound showed some simple cysts and a complicated cyst in my right breast, and 8 small simple cysts in my left breast. It also found a 1.5×1.5×0.6 cm mass on my left breast that they categorized as Bi-Rads 3 which they consider probably benign…so I was recommended to have a 6 month follow-up.

While in the waiting game for this, in August Hurricane Harvey hit which completely borked everything up. Lots of stress all around. Our home made it through OK but many of our friends and loved ones were not so fortunate.

Then I tweaked my right hip/glute and gave myself a raging case of sciatica and piriformis (i.e. old lady hip) and spent the next 6 months limping around.

Then my grandmother took a turn for the worse. She died the weekend before Thanksgiving. Now I am not one to go to funerals but the cousin I am closest to called and requested my presence for emotional support. This meant that during Thanksgiving week I had to get myself, one of my sisters, and my mom from SE Texas to Illinois-flights were crazy so we ended up driving straight through for 14 hours. Not good with the raging case of old lady hip.

The funeral was the big catholic extravaganza. Enough said. Got to see family I had not seen in a while so it wasn’t all bad but definitely not the most joyous of Thanksgivings… and I picked up the plague.

SO there I am hacking, wheezing, feverish and limping and that is how December passed.

In the midst of this [redacted1] decided to divorce [redacted2], and [redacted3] decided to sue [redacted4] over [redacted5] so [redacted4] counter-sued over [redacted6]. (Family members have been redacted because I am not ready for more arguing.) Much stress and terror has ensued and [redacted1] not only closed [redacted2]’s bank accounts throwing bills into unpaid status, but apparently has a girlfriend my age now which is creepy and gross.

Meanwhile I was still limping around and trying to find my lost referral for my follow-up diagnostic breast ultrasound.

Lesson #1: When you are supposed to have a 6 month follow-up that requires referral, call the month before it is due to make sure it exists.

I got that referral straightened and finally got a referral for physical therapy for my old lady hip. Went in for my follow-up and started physical therapy right about the same time. Follow up ultrasound showed the mass had grown to 1.8×1.7×0.8 cm which then required referral for a biopsy. In the midst of sending the referral for that, the ice storms hit sending the SE Texas region into an uproar and shutting the cities down for days. Seeing as it was only 17 degrees out for days on end, the warmest we could get the house to was like 58 degrees with all the heaters on. Houses in this area, especially old ones, jsut aren’t built for that kind of cold. The first referral got lost so a second one was sent at which point in time I got frustrated and called the person I was getting referred to and they indicated that they were not in network and that they had faxed that information back to my gynecologist who somehow did not get it.

Lesson #2: Always verify the doctor you are getting referred to is in your network and save yourself some time.

So then my gynecologist sent a referral to someone in my network and it kept getting kicked back from my insurance company. Many phone calls were made between myself, my gynecologist, the doctor I was being referred to, and my insurance company to get it straightened out.

Lesson #3: Always verify WHO can make certain kinds of referrals as per your insurance company’s policies. Turns out while Texas BCBS allows gynecologists to make referrals for ultrasounds and mammograms they do not allow them to refer for biopsies, so I had to call my primary care doctor’s office and it turns out he had not been reading the reports and had no clue what was going on. Finally got that office to send a proper referral through.

So I showed up to the surgeon’s office for what I thought was for my biopsy. Fortunately I was pro-active and brought my scans with me. Unfortunately, the first question he asked me was where my biopsy results were.

Lesson #4: Always make sure they doctor you are being referred to knows EXACTLY why you are being referred.

So once we got that confusion straightened out (turns out other imaging centers often do their own biopsies, mine did not) they got me referred for an ultrasound guided biopsy. Took a bit to get that scheduled and while it wasn’t my favorite thing ever, it wasn’t that bad except for the fact I had a violent reaction to the steritape.

Here is what happens with an ultrasound core needle biopsy. You have to bring someone with you because they don’t want you driving afterward. They may let your companion sit with you through the initial talks and even the initial ultrasound, but they are very unlikely to let that person stay for the actual biopsy. There are likely to be three medical providers in the room with you; the ultrasound tech, a nurse, and the person actually performing the biopsy. They will ultrasound all over and find the best place to keep the ultrasound wand, which is usually right over the mass the closest they can get. This means that the biopsy kind of has to burrow through more tissue than you might expect. This is awkward but not necessarily a bad thing, because you want them to see what they are doing as well as possible. Then they will do a series of lidocaine shots that go deeper and deeper to numb you up. Then they put a giant hollow needle into you (DO NOT LOOK AT IT) and using the ultrasound guide it into the mass. And here is why they have the extra people in the room. They might have one person hold onto your legs and one person hold onto your arms to keep you still. Because what happens next is they slide a weird device into that hollow needle so it goes into the mass and it makes a loud weird snapping noise and it takes a piece of the mass out. They will do this at least 3 times. If you are still then the other people will stop holding you, or at least mine did. Then they put in a little titanium “clip” or BB to mark where the mass is for future imaging. Then they apply a lot of pressure to stop the bleeding and then steritape you up. Then they send you in for another mammogram to check placement of the “clip”. This may cause you to start bleeding again and you can ask for them to redo the steritape because you aren’t allowed to get it wet for the next day or so or to remove it for several days. Also, ask for a boob ice pack. One could wish for black and skulls and cross-bones, but they are the perfect size and shape for this, nothing you have at home is going to work so well…even though it looks like meemaws wallpaper.

Lesson #5: Take a second day off after a biopsy, don’t go to work the next day even if they say you can. You can’t wear a bra, you have to keep using an ice pack on and off, and if your biopsy entry site is in the side boob area, every time you move your arm you will inadvertently smack it. This is not weakness, it is self-care and it will save you time and trouble in the long run.

Also I got released from physical therapy and my hip is feeling much better.

Lesson #6: Don’t assume that pain and discomfort is normal, and if you have something in a place you can’t see on your own, like the side of your boob, have someone else look at it. And if something hurts, and you don’t want to take pain pills, push for other options.

Once the steritape came off, along with all my skin, I started feeling much better. And the result of the biopsy was benign. So one good thing down. Unfortunately, turns out the mass that they were tracking had literally nothing to do with why my nipple inverted. Yikes.

Lesson #7: Don’t ever assume what your doctors are focusing on actually has anything to do with your primary complaint. Stand up and explicitly ask whether or not the thing they are focusing on actually has anything to do with your problem.

So with that being the case they referred me for a breast MRI. I got that scheduled during spring break. Unfortunately, the day before it was supposed to happen they called me to AGAIN ask when the first day of my last menstrual cycle was.

Lesson #8: It turns out that breast MRIs must be done in a very small window, days 7-10 of your menstrual cycle. I don’t know how I could have prevented this scheduling snafu because I had no way to know about that requirement, so just consider this your PSA about breast MRIs, schedule them 7-10 days following the start of your presumed next menstrual cycle (i.e. 7-10 days after the start of your next period).

I got that rescheduled and then the next day (the day I was supposed to be having the MRI) was our 8th marriage anniversary and almost 18 years together which is half our freaking lives so we were all planned up for a fancy night out when I found out once of my best friends since we were 5 years old died.

Lesson #9: There is never as much time as you think there is. Take every chance you have to cherish the ones you love.

We hadn’t talked much the last 8 months because I knew she had a lot going wrong in her life and the last thing I wanted to do was dump on her the misery I have been just dumping on all you readers. Which was stupid, so very stupid, because I know she would have been there for me and maybe I could have been there for her.

This wake I went to of my own accord to try to perform one last service for her.

Which brings me to today. Today was the breast MRI. Let me tell you about breast MRIs. As you may know, MRI machines are uncomfortably small tubes to start with. But for a breast MRI they have this oddly contoured table you get put on which drastically reduces the amount of room in that tube. You can go here to see what that looks like. SO you have an IV in the crook of one arm while you are trying to crawl up on it with a gown that is open in the front to lay down on it. There is an open space where your breasts dangle down and a bar that goes between the breasts. Then once you are lain down and torqued into that odd position they have clamps on either side of your breasts to squish them in together into the bar between them. It isn’t super uncomfortable, mostly it is about like getting a mammogram. Then they slide you into the tube.

As I said though, small tube is made even smaller by this table. They asked me a question and I instinctively looked up hitting my head on the top of it. This made me look to the sides and all I could see was the walls of the tube…which made me try to lift up but I couldn’t because my breasts were clamped to that table. So I ended up a sobbing hysterical screaming mess and they had to pull me out so I could calm down and try again.

Lesson #10: MRIs are hard, breast MRIs are a little bit harder still (I have had both kinds so I know). SO if you have any issues with claustrophobia be, up front and don’t feel like a weeny, lots of people have this problem. Even if you think you will be ok but you sometimes have trouble with enclosed spaces, just go ahead and tell them because they know all the tricks for making this as easy as possible. What they ended up doing was taking all the blankets off me and turning a fan on me very high so I could feel the breeze. Yes it was excruciatingly cold, but it helped a lot. I also declined the headphones because they made me feel even more enclosed. My biggest take-away is close your eyes, breathe, and whatever you do-DO NOT LIFT YOUR HEAD UP. Just imagine it bigger than it really is and do nothing that might alert you to the true size and shape of what you are in.

And I say all that not to discourage anyone from following up. I just want people to know a little bit more about what the process is like. Yes it is scary, but it is less scary I think if you really know what to expect. And nothing about that process, awkward and uncomfortable as it has been, is worse than the worry and the waiting and the not knowing. So if you have been putting of your mammogram, or haven’t gone in for your follow-ups, please do, none of it is insurmountable but the worry will eat you alive.

So right now it is just more waiting. Which sucks. And I’ll admit that it all sucks. But I am putting this out here because almost half of all women aren’t getting the mammograms that they ought to be getting. And while I thus far haven’t had the very worst outcome, I have hit most of the high and low points and I can safely say it is all surmountable. 1 in 8 of us will end up with breast cancer, and your chances of a long and healthy life go up dramatically with earlier intervention.

As for cost, lots of places offer free or low cost screening mammograms, especially in October. Call all the local places and ask what their cash prices are, particularly at offsite imagining only type centers. Yes, based on my experiences you might have to be a bit more proactive with your own paperwork, but the place I went to did every day cash prices of $85. Even if you still can’t afford that, remember that 1 in 8 number, there are almost guaranteed to be people in your life who would be thrilled to pony up the money for you to get tested. And if not, there are organizations where their whole missions are to get people mammograms.

The worst year ever and lessons learned from a balky boob. So, bearing in mind that for me "years" are academic rather than calendar-this has been literally the worst year ever.

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thejosepht-blog · 7 years

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Memoir

The flight was long. Fifteen hours. I was asleep for most it. Two layovers. First in Maine and the second at some air field in Germany. I banged my shin against the thing lying at my feet. “Alright boys, let’s move. You got time to stretch your legs and use the bathroom. Leave those on the plane, nobody is going to take those here.” I remember the irony; toe nail clippers were banned on flight, but a fully automatic SAW M249 capable of a cyclic rate of fire of over eight-hundred rounds per minute? Nah, you’re good. We were there only to refuel and then continue our journey. A couple guys got caught buying German beers. Here I would have been old enough to drink, but rules are rules.

The next flight was short. Germany to Kazakhstan. You ever hear of Kazakhstan? No? Me neither. When you travel half way across the world in a day, the body’s internal clock becomes broken. Day becomes night and night becomes day. For 10 days breakfast became dinner and dinner became breakfast and everyone is asleep for lunch. The only people on that base were those starting their deployment, those ending it and a group of “soldiers” who wore a different uniform, got to drink two beers a day and had ice cream for dinner. Jealousy was hardly the correct word. The ten days came and went like a flash and before we know it we’re on C17 ready for our last flight in.

When we landed it became immediately apparent we were somewhere else. This was it. Afghanistan. The place where our country had been fighting its war on terror for more than a decade. The air was thick. The smell filled my nose and I got my first whiff of this strange new land. Little cars and scooters rushed by with a purpose. A small bus was waiting for us nearby that we all crammed into like a pack of sardines that brought us to our tent. Kandahar Air Force base was huge. Pick a NATO force and they were there; eating and working out. I saw no fighting here. It was nice. Almost peaceful. Every so often we’d see an Afghani, here and there they walked around about their business doing odd jobs for the base. “Enjoy the showers, you won’t see them for a while”.

Three days and we were out. Our transport this time was one of the most spectacular things I’ve ever seen. About two hours in the back of a Chinook to the base our Battalion was now in control of. Less than a day later we yet again were ready to move. Our company was on a small hill about forty-five minutes away. Our platoon packed up into a convoy of MRAPS and we were on our way. For the first time in my entire life I grasped the entirety of our situation sitting in the back of that MRAP. They warned us that at this moment, it got real.

Any minute. Any second. Poof. That’s it.

The drive was both terrifying and eye opening. In order to get from point A to point B almost every patrol taken had to be on Highway One, one of the only major roads in Afghanistan. A trip we would soon be making up to two to three times a day. The trip was fascinating, five-person cars carried ten, sheep and goats lined the sides of the roads. You know what crop grows in southern Afghanistan? Poppy. Miles upon miles upon miles of poppy. Afghanistan is the world’s leader in the exportation of black tar heroin. If the people had any care for wealth most of the farmers would have accrued millions of dollars. Instead, in the south they lived in mud huts without running water. Amazingly, heroin there is totally legal, along with marijuana.

Our base was on the top of a fairly large hill. “Ah great”. The hill had two different flat ranges on the front and the rear side was almost a sheer cliff. The lower area was ours while the second, higher area belonged to the group of soldiers from the Afghan National Army. They looked a lot like us. Most of them were younger, only doing this for the money. This was their home. After a year they couldn’t return home like us, away from the killing and the drugs and the disease. They died more often than we did. Lacking the training and the supplies and weaponry. Oh, how they are more like us then we care to admit. We would often catch them high off their asses lounging around smoking and sleeping.

My toes were frozen, numb from the cold. Guard that first morning was horrible. Late February even in part of the hottest place on the planet is still cold at two a.m. The time dragged on. Nine more months. Four hours alone in the dark and cold where you’re told that anyone could want to kill you is the greatest mindset for a nineteen-year-old. Too bad I go back now and tell myself, yes, even the Taliban like to sleep at night when it’s thirty degrees.

I was woken up not four hours later. “You got guard”. “But Sarge” “That’s what happens, now go”.

At least it was light, and warmer. Chris was already down at the gate waiting. One of the marksmen in our squad. Big fellow, only a few years older but I outranked him. As if Private first class to Private means anything. We were both the two lowest ranked members on our squad. This common ground meant we would soon become best friends over the coming months. Not two hours in and we get the radio call, we’re leaving. A squad in our platoon had taken over a little base a few miles away to aid the Afghani police.

It was small. The tent was even smaller. Twenty-four soldiers in thirty by twenty space. Four small guard stations lined the corners of the base. The “bathrooms” were placed at the far side, as far away from us as possible, still probably only about fifty feet.

The police station was directly across the road, where two of the guard towers had in their field of view. Manned by about ten men they weren’t too different from the soldiers. Mostly young, some facial hair, with un-matching uniforms. They liked to joke. Make fun of some of us, while we laughed in agreement. It was easy to pick out certain things about people you had never seen before. Sexuality is different there. They had what they called a “chai-boy”. Something I won’t get into here, but if you ever get the chance, look it up.

My first patrol real patrol was from this tiny little base here in southern Afghanistan. The police had warned us that the area was littered with old soviet mines and new IED’s, or Improvised Explosive Device. The idea is the same as a mine. You step on the plate buried an inch or two underground, pressure activates the fuse denotating anywhere from two to two-hundred pounds of explosives.

Every patrol we took we had a mine sweeper. Ours was ‘Lobos’. To this day that man had the biggest cojones of any one I had ever met. Every step he took, we took. Every foot print followed. If you had come after the thirty of us you would have thought there was one-person walking.

Every single beep we stopped.

Every bump in the ground we marked.

No risks.

No one gets hurt.

This was one of the first times I had ever seen a live mine. There it was, laying in the middle of the road like rock. Its shape was undeniable. Green with small crusted brown dirt lining ridges on the outside. The police didn’t know how long it had been there or who placed it. I found it incredible that no one managed to detonate it.

We finally got to see the people of this country. All but the women. The men were dressed in clothes with as much beard as they could grow. Children played in the streets almost unaware of the danger surrounding them. The kids would run up to us and try to get us to give them things while our leaders talked to the elders. Each village the same. Families out and about just trying to keep their families heathy and happy. Adult women were forbidden from seeing men so they were forced to hide in some tucked away room unless we brought women with us.

A week passed, second squad was tasked with another patrol. This time we stayed back and a few from our squad pulled over watch as well as guard duty.

First half hour, nothing. That’s when we heard it. Gunshots. First ‘tic’.

These people may be living in extreme poverty but they know warfare. The Taliban have been fighting for centuries. The people fought the British and won. The mujahedeen fought the Russians and won (with America’s help). They know how to fight. Second squad did as they should. Returned fire and advanced. But the advance led them to a choke point. The smoke shot up into the air like a cannon. The blast was deafening even from three meters away. Something was wrong. Nothing does that. Except, except an explosive. Smith was down.

It’s times like this when you understand that you’re alone. Alone in a country where people want to kill you and they will die trying.

Smith later recovered. As any man like him would.

Three weeks passed and we left. A few days later we received word the police who had helped us were dead. A typical practice for them.

A month passed. And another. And another. The daily firefights continued but everyone stayed healthy and completely intact, for the time. Mid May rolls around and we are informed that all activity increases during the summer. “Increases, yeah, from what? Being shot at every day?” But it did. Daily soldiers died. Step on a mine here, a soldier takes a bullet there. We had six men shot. All but one lived. John. He was only 22 back then. A wife and a whole life ahead of him all gone due to a bullet to his chest. Just prior our squad leader Eric, stepped on a ten-pound explosive, taking both his legs away from him.

Four of us helped carry the stretcher to the medivac Chopper.

The way to win the hearts and minds of a people who don’t necessarily want you there is to help them. Bring them water, food, clothes, build the kids a soccer field. You go and talk to the village elders to see what we can do for them while they tell you about Taliban activity. These moments in time when there is no shooting, no blood, no dying, this is when you understand these people enjoy their lives and all they want is peace.

Peace from the fighting.

Peace from the Taliban. and

And most importantly peace from us.

A group a people who live in complete poverty, in mud huts with no running water and all they wanted was peace. Peaceful farmers. Farming poppy.

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